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“If You Want My BLOODY, and You Think I’m Sexy . . .” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “There Goes The Neighborhood”

Me = seriously wishing that this ACTUALLY happened during the episode . . .

One of the things I love about The Vampire Diaries is how far the show manages to push the envelope, in terms of sexual content, while still staying within the boundaries of its 8 p.m. basic cable time slot.  The producers  have somehow managed to make this show the equivalent of a FULL HOUR of foreplay.  It’s INGENIOUS!

E = MC Screwed

Because, if you really think about it, in every GOOD vampire story, the exchange of blood is, more or less, a metaphor for sex.

The pleasure / pain sensation that comes from being “bitten” is obviously supposed to be an “O” moment . . .

“Ohhhhh, yes!”

And the whole “compulsion” / “mind control” thing is all about being able to have sex with strangers, without feeling guilty or slutty, or having to go to sex rehab with Tiger Woods and Jesse James . . .

“The Salvatore brothers made me do it . . . and THEM.”

You know what ELSE I love about The Vampire Diaries?

A duh . . .

So, while tonight’s episode of “VD” wasn’t exactly my FAVORITE (No sexually tense Damon and Elena moments?  WTF!), it still managed to make me happy like nothing else on television today can (except for maybe True Blood, which won’t be back until this summer).  Let’s revisit the foreplay, shall we?

Elena & Stefan, Caroline & Matt – Swingers?

Truthfully, this was probably the dullest storyline of the evening.  But, seeing as Elena was heard, during the episode’s opening, bitching to Stefan about how she much she wishes her life was “normal,” I think that was kind of the point.  (Honey, take it from an expert.  Normal?  It’s WAY overrated!)

So, Stefan wants to prove to Elena that the two of them are a “normal” (i.e. “boring”) teenage couple.  Meanwhile, cloyingly insecure Caroline is beginning to have doubts as to whether her new beau, Matt, is over Elena, who also happens to be his ex.  Therefore, someone comes up with the “brilliant” idea that these two uber attractive couples should engage in one big fat orgy double date with one another.

“You know, Stefan . . . in the book version, Elena was BLONDE (hint, hint).”

The double date is kind of lame.  The group decides to hit up what is, apparently, the ONLY bar / restaurant / place to meet socially outside of school in Mystic Falls.  They do this, even though three members of the group aren’t old enough to legally drink, and the fourth should be too old to walk upright, without turning into a puddle of dust and bone, let alone have a beer.  Caroline, of course, gets jealous when Elena and Matt reminisce about their past.  So, Matt decides to make it up to her by screwing kissing her in Stefan’s hot red vintage sports car.  Stefan, meanwhile, stands idly by, acting all mature, and perfect, and well-adjusted.   ZZZZZZZZ.

Sorry Stefan.  This “healthy relationship” business  just isn’t going to work for me.  I prefer my men broken, tormented, and, generally, assholey . . .

Now THAT’S more like it!

Three-some’s a Crowd!

Speaking of Damon, his ULTRA-posthumous dumping by Elena’s doppelganger, Vampire Katherine, coupled with his getting his ass kicked by a girl (Vampire Pearl, to be exact), has left him in a seriously prickly mood.  And so, like the above-referenced foursome, he too went to that ONE AND ONLY BAR to drown his sorrows.  Soon, thereafter, he is  joined by Matt’s Slutty Mom, and Elena’s Aunt Jenna, who, apparently, was friends with Matt’s Slutty Mom, back when the two were teens.

OK, I’m sorry.  But this is really starting to bug me.  How old exactly is Aunt Jenna supposed to be?  I understand that she’s the sister of Elena’s deceased mother, but I always presumed her to be the MUCH YOUNGER sister (like late 20s, early 30s, tops).  (After all, the actress is virtually the same age as Nina Dobrev, who plays Elena.  And she LOOKS IT too.)  Now, I’m suddenly supposed to be believe that the girl pictured above is in her 40s?  Did I miss something here?  Is Aunt Jenna a vampire too, and nobody told me about it? 

Anyway, Damon, Matt’s Slutty Mom (I can’t recall whether they actually gave her a name yet), and Ageless Aunt Jenna, proceed to get totally sloshed at the bar.  Then things start to get all hot and flirty, as the trio practice knotting cherry stems with their tongues (a skill I desperately wanted to acquire at age 13.  And for that reason, probably STILL have an entire cherry tree of missed tries, lying at the bottom of my stomach).  Unfortunately, Tanked Aunt Jenna bails, and my hopes of seeing a hot menage walk out the door, right along with her.

Yeah, it never happened on THAT show either . . .  DAMN YOU, misleading trios!

After the bar, Damon takes Matt’s Slutty Mom (hereinafter “MSM”) back to his La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  And you gotta hand it to MSM.  This woman  is so secure in her own total sluttiness, that Damon doesn’t even have to compel her.  Within mere moments, he has thrown her up against the wall, and is about to bang and bite her brains out.  Unfortunately, Poor Damon gets cock blocked, when Elena and her Fabulous Foursome arrive back at the house.  (So, Stefan and Damon live together now?  I thought Stefan resided at his Now-Dead “Uncle”‘s house?  This show is getting to be more confusing than Lost . . .)

Welcome to the Fang House

“When you’re good to Mama, Mama won’t beat the sh$t out of you . . .”

Meanwhile, those 20 some-odd vampires, who recently broke out of the cemetery, after about 150 years of entombed imprisonment, are now holed up in some old farmhouse, which is run, with an iron fist, by Mama Pearl.  There, since they aren’t allowed to leave, the vamps all drink blood from the same source.  This Poor Matronly Lady!  The woman’s been mind controlled and bitten so many times by now, that her brain and entire body are probably the consistency of cottage cheese.  Not sexy! 

Yet, most of the vampires, like Hottie Harper (played by Sterling Sulieman), who we briefly met last week . . .

 . . . try to make the best of a bad situation, by reveling in new technology like TELEVISION and TEXT MESSAGING!  However, the EVIL VAMPIRES, like Frederick (played by Stephen Martines). . .

 . . . (who you just know is supposed to be bad news, because he wears black, and has overly tweezed eyebrows, that are perpetually pointed, like the one’s little kids draw to represent “angry people”), and his Random Not-Long-For-This-Show Girlfriend, aren’t having it.  After a brief tussle with Mama Pearl, Frederick and his Random-Not-Long-For-This Show Girlfriend break out of Fang House. 

And where does the Bad News Couple head first, you ask?  Well, ONE AND ONLY BAR in town, of course!  There, Frederick mistakes Elena for Vampire Katherine.  Then he tries to compel Aunt Jenna to let him bite her, only to learn that she is protected by vervain, and cannot be mind controlled.  Later, Frederick and his Random-Not-Long-For-This-Show Girlfriend, break into La Casa de Rich and Awesome by crashing through its window.  (I guess that’s one way around the “Vampires have to be invited inside” Rule . . .)

A fairly well-choreographed fight scene ensues between Frederick, Random Girlfriend (I just can’t type that name anymore.  It’s a good thing I’ll never have to use it again), Damon and Stefan.  Random Girlfriend gets her ass staked, winning the award for Senseless Death of the Episode.  Frederick, of course, escapes to Live and Re-Die another day . . . 

To Everything, Turn, Turn, Turn (Me into a Vampire)

In other news, Elena’s Little Bro, Jeremy (Steven McQueen, who has been looking unusually yummy, of late), is up in his room surfing for porn researching vampires.  A few episodes ago, Jeremy looked up the word “vampire” on that Wanna-Be-Google Search Engine, Bing.

This week, we found him, trolling for information in a Vampire Lovers Chat Room.  Seriously, a chat room?  Am I missing something?  Because I thought people stopped using “chat rooms” sometime around 1995 (which, interestingly enough, is probably when this Jeremy character is supposed to have been born). 

So, Jeremy is supposed to be this cool, former druggie, loner guy, right?  Why does he spend all his time sitting at the computer.  Shouldn’t he be sitting on the hood of a car in an abandoned parking lot, smoking cigarettes and looking “dangerous”, like the rest of his stereotype?

“Heyyyyyy! I resemble that remark!”

Fortunately, Jeremy doesn’t have to surf for porn research vampires for too long, because Vampire Anna has magically popped back into his life . . .

Fairly certain that Anna is an actual vampire, Jeremy begins testing the waters with her, by asking her probing questions about her family, and pointedly not inviting her into his home.  (HELLO!  You already invited her in last time, Jeremy!  She can come in whenever she wants now.  Read The Rules, Doofus!) 

 But things REALLY get interesting, when Jeremy “accidentally” takes a big ‘ole slice out of his hand with a knife in the kitchen.  (Now THAT’S an infection waiting to happen . . .)  Hungry Anna, who has, no doubt,  grown tired of sucking on that Old Lady (who knows where SHE’S been), is overtaken by desire, and sucks the heck out of Jeremy’s bloody hand.  The chemistry between these two is stellar.  And the scene is WAY hotter than it should be, especially considering it involves cannibalism and a really gory appendage . . .

When Anna demands an explanation from Jeremy as to why he goaded her into biting him, putting his own life at risk in the process, Jeremy shocks Anna by explaining that he wants her to  . . . TURN HIM INTO A VAMPIRE!

Tune in next week, when EVIL Vampire Frederick  (who, in addition to having angry pointy eyebrows is also, apparently, into S and M) decides to chain up and torture Stefan to “thank” him for getting the Fang House vamps locked in that tomb all those years ago . . .

Bite ya, later VDers!

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“More of THAT Please!” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries “A Few Good Men”

 

Welcome back VD’ers!  (Don’t you like how I basically just called you all a bunch of venereal diseases?  Great way to make friends and influence people, huh?) 

It’s been WAY too long since we’ve had a “taste” of our favorite campy, bloody, teen drama, hasn’t it?  But, now, we are back, and (I think) better than ever . . .

There was a lot to love in this week’s “Back from Hiatus” installment of The Vampire Diaries!  For starters, we got a few GREAT booby shots of a Drunk Shirtless, Slightly Broody, and Highly Emotionally Volatile Damon Salvatore . . .

More of THAT Please!

We also got a drool-worthy, sexual tension-laced “shirt BUTTONING” scene between our favorite couple-not-yet-to-couple, Damon and Elena . . .

More of THAT Please!

(By the way, in addition to being AWESOME, shirt on AND shirt off, Damon also had the dubious honor of uttering my favorite quote from this episode, “Unrequited love sucks, man!”  — Great line.  But so untrue, Damon.  Unrequited love ROCKS . . . particularly when YOU are doing the loving!)

Then, there were not ONE, not TWO, but THREE senseless Deaths,  this episode . . . well, two-and-a-half, depending on how you felt about Alaric’s rebirth . . .

( . . . will live to write on chalkboards and be stultifyingly boring, ANOTHER DAY!)

More of THAT please!  (Well, more senseless DEATHS at least, less Alaric, he’s snoozy . . .)

Let’s not forget that tonight’s episode title was modeled after one of my favorite films . . .

“You can’t handle the TRUTH!”

More of THAT Please!

And, as if that wasn’t enough, we got Marissa Cooper’s Mom from The O.C.!

Much more of HER please!

(By the way, if there was ever an Emmy award for “Best Performance as a Slutty Trashtastic Kind-of-Bitchy Mom,” Melinda Clarke would win every year hands down.  Has she been typecast?  Absolutely!  But that doesn’t make her any less fabulous!)

So, without further adieu, lets take a peek at what happened on VD’s A Few Good Men . . .

A Few Good Lays . . .

If you didn’t think I was going to somehow find a way to include this picture in my recap AGAIN, you clearly don’t know me AT ALL . . .

When we first reunite with Damon, he is getting it on with a trio of drunken, horny, and “compulsed” Tri Delts (a REAL sorority, by the way, . . . I smell a Defamation Lawsuit!).  We quickly get the impression that this has been how Damon has been spending his hiatus time.  You GO DAMON!  The way I see it, the best way to get over an undead Vampire Bitch, who you’ve searched for, for about 100 years of your life, only to find out she DOESN’T want to be found by YOU, is to get UNDER someone else . . . or rather, in this case,  SOMEONE ELSES. 

Might I suggest the cast of Gossip Girl, DamonThey always seem up for a good roll in the hay  . . .

A Few Good Bings . . .

By the way, I found this picture on GOOGLE!   Put that in your pipe and smoke it, BING!

One of the things I am NOT liking about The Vampire Diaries of late, is its already burgeoning sell-out tendencies.  Seriously folks, how many times is our favorite television show going to double as an hour-long commercial for a certain search engine website that shall remain nameless? 

Is this supposed to be our punishment for having DVRs?  What’s next?  A discussion about herpes pills or “feminine hygiene” products?

“Aunt Jenna? Did you ever get that ‘not-so-fresh’ feeling?”

Anyway, shameless product placement aside, Elena and her Auntie are doing a little internet research to find out some important intel on Elena’s birth mother.  In our last episode, we learned that Elena’s birth mom and Alaric’s “deceased” wife shared the same name, Isobel.  This week, we learned that they are the same person (and are both played by Mia Kirschner)

“What can I say?  I get around . . .”

Elena and Auntie come across some old high school yearbook pics online of Elena’s mommy and her cheerleading friend, Trudie (Amanda Detmer), who, conveniently, currently lives just a hop, skip, and a jump away from Elena.  Stefan, hoping to protect Elena from learning about Damon’s involvement in Isobel’s disappearance, tells Elena to leave Trudie alone.  But Elena goes to see her, anyway.  Trudie, initially, seems friendly enough (if  you consider people who don’t invite you inside their home, spike your tea with vervain, hoping it will make you sick, and text cold-blooded killers to inform them of your arrival, friendly).  But, when Elena questions Trudie about her knowledge of vampires, the latter becomes really unwelcoming, and asks her to leave ASAP.

Unfortunately, for Trudie, she never gets the chance to send Elena the neighborly “I’m sorry for being a bitch to you,” apple pie, she would have sent, otherwise . . .

Always helpful in times like these . . .

 . . . because the killer she so brilliantly texted, comes to her house, just moments after Elena has left, pushes her down the steps, breaks her neck, and kills her.  Talk about UN-neighborly! (SENSELESS DEATH # 1)

A Few Good Boyfriends (with Moms that Hate You)

In other news, Matt’s and Caroline’s still-new relationship hits a bit of a road block when Matt’s Mommy (Melinda Clarke) returns to town and tells Caroline, in no uncertain terms, that she HATES Caroline’s guts.  So much for getting Mommy Dearest to fork over the cash for the upcoming nuptials . . .  ( SOMEONE’S going to be registering for their wedding gifts at the Dollar Store, in a few years . . .)

A Few Good Bachelor Brawls . . .

At the Town’s Founder’s Day Fundraiser, both Damon and Alaric put their very nicely-sculpted bodies up for auction.  (Is it too late for me to move to this town?)  Proving himself to be an even bigger D-Bag than we initially thought (but, a HOT d-bag, mind you), Damon inexplicably calls out Alaric during his bachelor speech, revealing, in no uncertain terms, how he gave Alaric’s wife the best lay of her life before she “died.”  (And you just KNOW that all that “sexual prowess” talk upped Damon’s auction price considerably . . .)

“It was for a GOOD CAUSE!”

Elena puts two and two together, and figures out that Damon had a hand in her birth mommy’s “death.”  She dashes out of the party in tears, with both Stefan and Damon at her heels.  (Must be nice, having hot guys always chasing you like that . . .)  Say what you will about Damon, but the look on his face when Elena confronts him about his murdering her mother is genuinely heartbreaking.  He really does have a soft spot for her . . . (swoon).

Later, Cold Blooded Killer Guy (CBK Guy for short), who Stefan instantly recognizes as being under vampire compulsion, warns Elena to stop looking for her mother.  Having delivered this Very Important Message,  CBK Guy walks into oncoming traffic and gets mowed down by a car.  (SENSELESS DEATH #2)  Stefan appears genuinely concerned for the zombie’s well being.  However,  Elena sees the death as an opportunity to get a free cell phone  . . . so she snatches the corpse’s.

“What?  Mine was running low on minutes!”

Back at home, Elena picks up her brand new cell phone and dials the last number called on it.  When a woman picks up, asking if “everything went as planned,” Elena utters “Isobel” into the phone.  The woman hangs up . . .

A Few Good Pieces of Jewelry

“They sure like their bling on this show . . .”

Back at La Casa de Damon, Alaric confronts the vampire about porking, and subsequently forking, his  loving wife.  As it turns out, Isobel was somewhat of a “vampire scholar” when she and Alaric were together back at Duke.  Isobel had traveled to Mystic Falls, convinced that she would be able to prove the existence of vampires there.  That was when she met, and screwed, Damon.  Damon and Alaric tussle for a bit, and Damon appears to puncture his lung, killing him.  (SENSELESS . . . SORT OF  . . .  DEATH #3) 

 Saintly Stefan then arrives on the scene.

I just figured it was high time that I included HIS pic in this recap.  I’m nothing, if not, fair, ladies . . .

Damon admits to Stefan that he didn’t kill Isobel, but rather, turned her into a vampire, because . . . “she was begging for it.”  (Spoken like a true rapist, Damon . . . it’s a good thing I like you . . . otherwise, you’d be dead to me, right now.  Oh, but wait . . . you ARE dead . . . so, nevermind.)

 Left alone with corpse Alaric, Stefan is alarmed to learn that Alaric is not-so-much dead.  At first, Stefan fears that Damon turned him into a vampire . . . and we all know THAT hasn’t worked out too well in the past.

R.I.P. Doubly Dead Vampire Vicki

And yet, Alaric explains that, before she disappeared, Isobel gave him this Big Ugly Ass Ring to protect him from the occult.  Because Alaric was wearing it when Damon “killed” him, it allowed him to “live.” 

So, let me get this straight, on this show we NOW have . . .

(1) a lapiz lazuli ring that vampires wear to allow them to go out in sunlight;

(2) a vervain necklace that HUMANS wear to prevent vampires from controlling their minds;

(3) a medallion that WITCHES wear to do spells and hurt mean vampires; and

(4) a Big Ugly Ass Ring that ALARIC wears to keep vampires from killing his boring butt.

This show is starting to look like the Home Shopping Network . . .

In the last moments of the show, we learn that Vampire Anna and her recently rescued Mommy, Vampire Crystal, are having a little Undead Reunion for fellow Tomb escapees at some house in Mystic Falls (including this unnamed hot African American vampire dude with gorgeous eyes, that I wouldn’t mind seeing again).  Could THEY be the ones behind that Cold Blooded Killer guy who did in Isobel’s high school bud, Un-neighborly Trudie?

Tune in next week, to find out.  See ya then, bloodsuckers!

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