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Degrassi: In Too Deep — Anatomy of Two BRAND NEW Promos!

REJOICE, DEGRASSI FANS!¬† THE NEW PROMOS ARE FINALLY HERE! ūüôā

Last night, Teen Nick aired two much anticipated trailers for Degrassi‘s upcoming new season, entitled In Too Deep, which is set to¬†premiere on¬†February 11th at 9 p.m.¬† The first trailer was relatively short (lasting only about 30 seconds).¬†¬† However, it was comprised almost entirely of NEW footage, never before seen by Degrassi fans . . .

The second trailer was double the length of the first (clocking in at about 1 minute, 30 seconds), and was an amalgamation of scenes from the first trailer, scenes from the trailer that¬†Teen Nick aired last season, and some extra “bonus” scenes . . .

So, now that you’ve seen them, let’s discuss what we’ve learned.¬† Shall we?

Fadam is ON! / Fiona is still drinking. / Fiona may be gay (and into Holly J)?

When we last left our favorite (and only)¬†transgendered Degrassi student, Adam Torres, he was putting some major effort into wooing the object of his affections, Fiona Coyne.¬† He even went so far as to throw a genuine New York-style ball, fit for a Princess, in her honor.¬† However, up until this point, Fiona’s feelings for Adam have shown little evidence of venturing beyond the platonic.¬† She might be aware of Adam’s attraction to her, but she hasn’t done much to show that she reciprocates those feelings.¬† In fact, she BAILED on the party he threw for her — a major NO-NO, in Relationship World.

But if the promos we’ve seen for next season are any indication, all of that is about to change, BIG TIME . . .

Though Fiona and Adam’s first kiss may be the result of a drunken (at least on Fiona’s part) game of Truth or Dare (as suggested in the first promo), clearly their relationship extends far beyond this “momentary indiscretion,” as the season progresses.¬† We know, from last season’s promos (plus, many of those¬†scenes¬†were repeated in the new trailers), that Fiona and Adam (or Fadam, as the cool kids like to call them) engage in a full on, Horizontal Couch Makeout Session, later on in the season.¬† And it is this couch session that Holly J. unceremoniously interrupts.¬†

Sounds great, right? 

Well . . . maybe not . . .

When we first watched the earlier promos, many of us Degrassi fans speculated as to the “logistics” of Fiona’s and Adam’s relationship.¬† Specifically, we wondered how¬†Fiona would react, when she learned¬† that Adam was born female (and still has lady parts).¬† Based on the promos we saw last night, Fiona’s knowledge regarding Adam’s trangender status doesn’t seem to be¬†the issue . . .

Both promos feature Fiona telling Adam that “drinking makes it easier to be with [him].”

This line suggests three things: (1) that Fiona is still abusing alcohol; (2) that she is aware that Adam is transgendered; and (3) while that knowledge has not caused her to stop seeing him, it still makes her feel at least somewhat uncomfortable.

But here’s the REAL twist . . .

Could Fiona actually be a lesbian?¬† Is she merely using Adam to “safely” evaluate her attraction to people of the same sex, while secretly vying for her bestie, Holly J?¬† This would be an interesting plot development indeed!

Sound crazy and completely out of left field¬†to you?¬† Here’s¬†my take on why this might be a real possibility . . .

For starters, Fiona has always been someone for whom relationships seemed more about status and convenience, than about genuine attraction.  She briefly dated Riley (before he was officially out of the closet) because she thought he was a nice guy who would keep her away from the advances of douchebags.  The fact that Riley was gay, and would likely never want to be intimate with her, almost seemed like an added bonus, as far as Fiona was concerned.

Fiona dated the ultimatey abusive Bastard Bobby, back in New York, because he was rich, popular, and had the right family name. 

She hooked up with her brother Declan (INCEST!¬† GROSSSSSS!) , because she worried that she was losing him (He was her only friend, at the time,)¬†to Holly J.¬† So,¬†she assumed¬†that, by being DISGUSTING, she¬†¬†could scare her brother’s boyfriend away . . .

So, we’ve never actually seen Fiona exhibit feelings of attraction for a man of the opposite sex.¬† And, based on the promos,¬†she does seem more open to beginning a relationship with a transgendered male, than most heterosexual women her age, and¬†in her situation, probably would be.¬† In conclusion, what initially might have¬†seemed like a bizarre “out-of-character” plot twist the Degrassi writers inserted into their story to appeal to¬†a considerable¬†fanbase of¬†“Dudes Who LOVE HOT LESBIANS,” makes more and more sense to me, the more I continue to think about it . . .

As for Holly J. . . .

Apart from her scenes with Fiona and Adam, we really don’t get to see all that much of her in these new promos.¬† However, the above shot, seems to suggest that she gets injured at some point during this season.¬† She may even end up in the hospital, as a result of said injuries?¬† (Based on the white background, behind Holly J., I thought she might be laying on a hospital bed in the picture above.)

Could Holly have somehow been involved in the EPIC CAR ACCIDENT to which all the Degrassi spoilers keep referring?  And, if so, why did the hospital choose to cope with injuries, by merely pasting a cheap bandaid over them?  (Random Canadian Hospital FAIL!)

Ali gets in trouble again. /  She runs away from home, is robbed, and wears an UGLY wig?

When Alli told her parents that she wanted to be transferred to private school, she never expected that they would ship her off to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Although we didn’t learn too much more about Alli’s predicament than we had already deduced from previous promos, these new trailers helped us fill in a few of the blanks as to what actually happens to Alli during this season.¬† First, we see her at home, in her school uniform, complaining, that while she tries to be “good,” bad things continue to happen to her . . .

Combine this scene, with the one from the earlier promo, in which she is arguing was Sav (“You are ruining MY life,” he screams at her.) and you can deduce that Ali got into some trouble at her All-Girls private school, and shamed the family, as a result.¬† She may have even been EXPELLED from that school.¬† After all, we do see Alli later on in the promo, talking to Clare, at what appears to be a Degrassi Dance . . .

There is no way of knowing for certain whether this “Dance Scene” comes before or after Alli runs away from home.¬† But we do know that she’s on the run at some point during the series, and is away from home long enough to be declared a Missing Person . . .

This information is all but spelled out for us, when we see Alli at home, threatening to run away . . .

We then see her out in the street dressed in that RIDICULOUS OUTFIT, ripping down Missing Person posters of herself . . .

I didn’t know Lindsay Lohan was on Degrassi!

After that,¬†Alli gets mugged by some lowlife, who steals her purse and runs away (probably, because he thought she was Lindsay Lohan, and that he could see the purse on Ebay for some serious dough.¬† He was probably super disappointed, when he found out that the purse he stole belonged instead¬†to “some chick from Degrassi”).

Then, finally, Alli’s dad, and Sav go out searching for her in the family¬†car, during a rainstorm.¬† Presumably, they find her, and bring her back home¬† .. . just¬†in time for the Degrassi Dance!

YIPPEE!

And now for the storyline, you’ve all been waiting for . . .

Eli flips out. /¬† He becomes super possessive of Clare.¬† / She dumps him.¬† / And he gets into a car accident on the anniversary of his dead girlfriend’s death?

Of all Degrassi’s upcoming season storylines, I’d say Eli’s and Clare’s is the one about which fans are the most excited.¬† And why not?¬† After all, the Degrassi: In Too Deep Season finale is set to air on April 22, 2011, precisely two years (maybe one in Degrassi world), since the tragic and untimely death of Eli’s former girlfriend, Julia, who was hit by a car.

I know that, in real life, this is the picture of a model in a bad¬†black wig.¬† And yet,¬†“Dead Julia”¬†still gives me the creeps every time I look at her . . . kind of like that Freaky Chick from The Ring movies . . .

To add fuel to the Eclare fire, Degrassi Writer/Producer Stephen has publicly admitted that the Eli/Clare/Dead Julie saga will be featured prominently in the latter episodes of the season.¬† He also teased that something will happen to a creepy “picture” of Julia, and that Eli is in that picture as well.¬† Speculation as to what Sohn meant by this cryptic statement¬†has ranged widely from the literal (a picture of Eli and Julia is stolen during the finale) to the practical (Eli accidentally ran Julia over with his car), to the outright BIZARRE (“Julia” is actually Eli in a black wig, a la Psycho)

This¬†eye-catching shot from the extended promo seems to show a bereft, and tear-stricken¬†Eli clutching Julia’s picture while standing next to his trusty hearse Morty.¬† The question is, where the heck is he?¬† The library?¬† (There are shelves of books shown behind the car); His garage? (Where else do you put a car indoors?)¬† Degrassi High?¬† (Did he DRIVE THE CAR INTO THE SCHOOL?)

In the promos, we see that things between Eli and Clare aren’t nearly as rosy as they were last season — back¬†when the pair bonded over Eli’s hoarding issues, and Eli helped Clare cope with her parents’ impending¬†separation.

Suddenly, Clare is talking about “taking a break” and “needing space” from Eli.¬† This is an unusual turn of events, especially considering that in previous episodes, it was Clare, who seemed the more “clingy” of the couple, while Eli was a bit more standoffish, and constantly required time alone to “sort things out.”

“Could someone tell me when exactly I became the GIRL in this relationship?”

Now, suddenly, Eli never seems to want Clare to leave his side . . .

Whenever they are together, he constantly has his arm wrapped around her protectively, as if he is afraid that if he lets go, she will get run over by a carhe will lose her forever . . .

The usually adorable Eli is suddenly saying creepy lines like the guys in the Lifetime movies do . . . right before they go after their girlfriend with a hatchet.¬† (“If I can’t have you, NO ONE CAN!”)

“You promised me you’d never leave me,” he tells her in one scene.

“We need some time ALONE together . . . just you and me,” he says to her in another.

It seems obvious that, as the date on the calendar creeps closer and closer to the anniversary of Julia’s death, Eli is becoming more unhinged.¬† He copes with these feelings, by sticking close to Clare, the only¬†person who¬†has the power¬†him feel safe.¬†

But Clare almost makes¬†Eli nervous.¬† After all,¬†Eli presumably¬†felt “safe” with his last girlfriend too, and look what happened to her!¬† So, just like Eli “hoarded” random¬†objects in his room, to preserve Julia’s memory, he is, in essence, “hoarding” Clare now, to keep her out of harms way.

But Clare isn’t an old notebook, or smelly shoe.¬† She’s a person, who needs her own space.¬† Clare confides this in Alli at the school dance.¬† So,¬†Alli suggests that Clare be honest with Eli about how she’s feeling . . .

Ummm . . . Clare?  1993 called . . . And they would really like that lipstick back!  (Seriously, why does the wardrobe department always insist on dressing this character like a 43-year old Soccer Mom?)

But was this¬†the right advice?¬† In both of the promos, we see Clare confronting Eli, frustratedly telling her boyfriend that he is “suffocating her.”

Needless to say, Eli does not take this accusation (or possibly being dumped?) very well.  In the final scenes of both of the above trailers, we see Eli driving his car recklessly into the night, with tears streaming down his face . . .

Though a clearly anguished and incredibly guilty feeling Clare, calls Eli repeatedly on his cell phone, begging him to answer her, we can see that he does not do so . . .

Could THESE be scenes from April 22nd’s Season Finale, entitled “Drop the World?”¬† Could this be the Massive Car Crash Degrassi spoilers have been teasing us about since last year?¬† Is Julia’s picture in the car with Eli, while he’s driving?¬† Could Eli’s reckless driving, be construed as a suicide attempt, as a result of guilt over his girlfriend’s¬†death?

I guess we will just have to wait until February 11th to find out.¬† (But until then, speculations and spoilers are always welcome in the comment section, and would be much appreciated. ūüôā )

[www.juliekushner.com]

153 Comments

Filed under Degrassi: The Next Generation, Spoilers and Sneak Peeks

True Blood Dream Casting – Amelia Broadway (May Contain Slight Spoilers)

A few days back, I put on my amateur casting director’s hat, and offered some suggestions to Alan Ball, should he ever decide to translate the character of J.B. DuRone from Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse books to their companion television series, True Blood.¬† Seeing as I had so much fun doing that, I’ve decided to try my hand at casting another popular character from the book series, namely, Amelia Broadway.

Introduced in the sixth book of the series, Definitely Dead . . .

. . .¬† Amelia¬†eventually becomes intimately linked with many of the series’ already established characters.¬† When we first meet Amelia, she is living in New Orleans . . .

¬†. . . where, for a time, she acted as landlady to Sookie’s cousin, and Queen Sophie Anne’s lover, Hadley . . .

In addition to being a landlady, Amelia also happens to be an aspiring witch . . .

 . . . but a GOOD one . . .

Unfortunately, Amelia’s “bewitching” skills are not quite up-to-par.¬† For example, there was this one time, when she wanted her boyfriend, Bob, to be¬†more adventurous in the sack . . . so,¬†she accidentally turned him into a cat . . .

In the books, Amelia is said to be around Sookie’s age (late 20’s).¬†¬† The¬†two¬†become fast friends,¬†especially after Amelia relocates to Bon Temps.¬† Single, spunky, fun, flirty¬†and a little bit flighty, Amelia is certainly not the kind of gal who has any difficulty finding¬†dates on a Friday night.¬†

Did I mention that she’s also bisexual?¬† Or that, in addition to her many¬†male suitors,¬†she also catches the eye of a certain female vampire, we all know and love?

Let’s cast this little witch, shall we?¬†¬† Below are my top five choices, in no particular order.

1) Rachel Bilson

Age:  Turns 29 TODAY (August 25th)!  (Happy Birthday, Rachel!)

Where you’ve seen her: as the adorable Summer Roberts, in The O.C., as Cindy, in How I Met Your Mother, and as¬†Millie, in the film, Jumper

Why she’d make a great Amelia:¬†

Rachel Bilson would really shine in a role like this!¬† As Summer on The O.C.,¬†Bilson played a character who, on the surface, was ditzy, shallow, and self-absorbed.¬† And yet, she gave the role a surprising amount of complexity, intelligence, and heart.¬† Thanks to the actress’ charm and talent, Summer, who started off the show as a two-dimensional “mean girl,” blossomed into the most charming and likeable female character on the entire series!¬†

Bilson also has the comedic chops to pull off Amelia’s less than stellar witchy moments, without making them seem too cheesy or slapstick.¬† Finally,¬†in terms of age and temperment, I think she would be relatively¬†believable, as a good¬†friend¬†of Anna Paquin’s Sookie.

2) Allison Munn

Age: 35 (but looks about 10 years younger!)

Where you’ve seen her: as Amanda Bynes sarcastic and slightly promiscuous friend, Tina, on What I Like About You, as Fez’s girlfriend, Caroline, on That 70’s Show, and as Lauren, on One Tree Hill

Why she’d make a great Amelia:

Of¬†all the actors on this list, Allison Munn bears the most resemblance the image I had in my head of Amelia, when I was reading the Sookie Stackhouse books.¬† In terms of physical appearance, she is almost a perfect match!¬† Like Rachel Bilson, Allison has proven herself to have the comic timing necessary for a role like this.¬† Plus, those of you who have ever watched What I Like About You¬†would likely agree¬†that there are A LOT of similarities between Amelia, and the role she played on that show, at least in terms of both characters’ personality traits.

3) Rachel McAdams

Age: 31

Where you’ve seen her: as Regina George in Mean Girls, as Allie in The Notebook, as Claire in The Wedding Crashers, as Clare in The Time Traveler’s Wife . . . and the list just goes on . . .

Why she’d make a great Amelia:

I know!¬† I know!¬† There is VERY little chance that at this stage in her career, Rachel McAdams would have any interest in¬†taking on¬†a non-starring role in a television series.¬† But hey, I called this post “Dream Casting” for a reason, right?¬†

You know what’s so¬†great about Rachel McAdams?¬†¬†She has this¬†flawless ability to literally transform herself¬†for every role she plays.¬†¬† (Not to mention the fact that she is the ONLY HUMAN ON THE PLANET who actually¬†looks good as a blonde, brunette AND a redhead!).¬†

I remember seeing The Notebook, shortly after watching Mean Girls, and being absolutely shocked that the same actress played the lead (second lead?) in both.¬† But no matter WHO she’s playing, Rachel McAdams brings a¬†certain likeability and relatability to her roles that is virtually unmatched in the industry.¬†¬†This role would be no exception.

4) Monica Keena

Age: 31

Where you’ve seen her: as¬†mean girl,¬†Abby Morgan on Dawson’s Creek, as boy crazy Rachel on Undeclared, as “E’s” one-time girlfriend, Kristen, on Entourage, and as Lori Campbell in that pitiful¬†Freddy vs. Jason movie

Why she’d make a great Amelia:

In my other three casting choices, I noted a few traits that made the aforementioned actresses particularly suited to play Amelia: comedic timing, charm, likeability, age appropriateness, and the right physical appearance.  Monica Keena has ALL of those things going for her.   But she also has something else:  sex appeal. 

Let’s face it, with the possible exception of Sookie (who, in my opinion, is WAY too monogamous, especially given all the FABULOUS male options she has available to her), Amelia probably gets laid more than any other female character in Charlaine Harris’ series.¬† She’s boy-crazy!¬† And GIRL crazy!¬†

Whoever plays Amelia must have what it takes to be a believable seductress for PAM!  Not very many women can pull that off.  I think Monica can . . .

5) Rose McGowan

Age: 36

Where you’ve seen her: as Neve Campbell’s DOOMED B.F.F., Tatum in Scream, as Dr. Teddy Rowe in Nip Tuck, as Cherry in the film, Grindhouse, and, perhaps, most importantly, as WITCH Paige Matthews in Charmed

Why she’d make a great Amelia:

Talk about sex appeal!¬† Rose McGowan has it in spades!¬† She’s also proven herself to be a solid¬†comedic actress¬† (that “doggy door” scene in Scream never fails to make me giggle), as well as a remarkably energetic and¬†likeable one (as evident in the Charmed series).¬†

Sure,¬†McGowan would be a more mature, and certainly edgier Amelia, than any of the other actresses I’ve suggested.¬† Then again, isn’t Kristen Bauer a more mature and edgier Pam than the one Charlaine Harris described in her books?¬† Speaking of Kristen Bauer, how utterly cool would it be to watch her and McGowan share scenes together?¬† I suspect their chemistry would be amazing!

So, there you have it¬† — my top five casting picks for Amelia Broadway.¬† Who would YOU choose?

[www.juliekushner.com]

11 Comments

Filed under casting, Spoilers and Sneak Peaks, True Blood

“Conscience Off! Dick On!” – A Recap of True Blood’s Season 3 Premiere “Pack of Wolves”

“Hey, look at me.¬† I’m naked on TV!¬† That never happens!”

Welcome back fellow Fangbangers!¬† Another season of True Blood is officially upon us.¬† And from the looks of it, the town of Bon Temps is, once again,¬†about to get very bloody (not to mention slutty).¬† Tonight’s premiere episode, may not have given us all that much in the way of plot development.¬† However, it did offer a ton of biting, a prospective new group of villians, some great one liners, and more hot¬†shirtless men than a Gay Pride Parade.¬†

Speaking of gay pride, am I the only one who was TOTALLY shipping a Bill and Sam coupling, after this episode?¬† Those two are SPICY!¬† And with a cool shipper name like BAM, it’s pretty obvious that this is a couple destined for greatness . . .

“I’ve always admired a man with big ‘belt buckle.'”

But, perhaps, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here . . . let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

He’s My Boyfriend, and I’ll Whine if I Want To . . .

Bon Temps has installed a new security security system.¬† Here’s how it works.¬† These two nag and yell . . . and all men are instantly repelled.

The episode begins pretty much right where the Season 2 finale left off.  Bill has been kidnapped, and Sookie is desperate to find him.  And let me tell you, hell hath no fury, like a nearly-engaged woman jilted.  After chewing out the female police officer investigating the crime scene, and interrogating a very distracted (and for good reason) Vampire Jessica, Sookie heads out to Fangtasia to put the moves on question Eric.  But before she can speak to him, she has to get by Pam first.

Have I mentioned lately how THRILLED I am that this fabulous femme has been upgraded to “season regular” status?

“I don’t recall telling you that purple was my favorite color,” coos Pam, making Whiny Purple Dress-Wearing¬†Sookie noticeably uncomfortable.¬† (But Sookie, I thought you were bisexual? Or, maybe I’m mistaking you for the actress that plays you.)

“I don’t have time for any lesbian weirdness from you,” replies Sookie.¬† (Awww!¬† Poor Pam!¬† Foiled again!)

After pushing past Pam, (“She overpowered me!”), Sookie finds Eric in the midst of a LONG screwing session with new Fangtasia dancer, Yvetta.

I’m not usually one to notice high production value, but I ADORED the way this¬†encounter between Sookie and Eric was shot.¬† With it’s soft lighting, and hazy pastel hues, the scene felt more like an erotic dream than a television show.¬† Alexander Skaarsgard’s blatant nudity certaintly didn’t hurt either.¬†

The tension between these two nearly hits a boiling point,¬†when Sookie shamelessly accuses Vampire Eric of orchestrating Bill’s kidnapping.¬† Eric¬†gamely denies these allegations.¬† However, he does take the opportunity to berate Vampire Bill’s sexual prowess (“Is Bill’s stamina not up to snuff?”), and flirt with Sookie (“I want what is his.”).¬† After securing Vampire Eric’s “promise” to find Bill, Sookie heads to the police station to yell at more cops, before heading back home.¬† There, she encounters fellow Spurned Sister on the Rag, Tara . . .

Tara’s Eggs are No Longer Sunny Side Up . . .

“Bacon just isn’t the same without Eggs . . . “

Now don’t get me wrong.¬† I feel for Tara.¬† If my boyfriend looked like this .¬† . .

¬†. . . and was shot dead, after confessing to a series of murders he committed while “not in his right mind,” I would be pretty bummed too.¬† But it’s really hard to like Tara, when she spends all her time screaming at everybody.¬† I mean, it’s always OK to yell at Arlene, because she’s dumb, annoying, and more than¬†a little racist.¬† But cute, cuddly, Andy Bellefleur?¬† Unacceptable!¬†

¬†The worst, however, is when Tara lays into SOOKIE (who¬†put a roof over her head, and saved her LIFE) for letting Eggs “see” the many murders that he committed, while under the influence of the maenad.¬† “You basically¬†signed his death warrant, you b*tch,” growls a Rabid Tara at her “former”¬†best friend!¬† (Someone shoot this girl with a tranquilizer gun, and put us ALL out of our misery, please!)

Tired of babysitting his unruly witch of a cousin, Lafayette passes Tara off to her self-centered, crazy, former alcoholic, born-again Christian MOTHER.  BAD MOVE!  After just a few hours with this unbearable woman,  Tara is in the bathroom trying to OD on pills. 

Of course, we already know she’ll survive.¬† So, there’s really not much suspense here.¬† After all, based on the promos we’ve seen, Tara has to LIVE, so¬†that she can¬†have some very NOT HOT vampire sex with THIS BLOODSUCKER . . .

Hey, Bad Kisser Guy!¬† Do us all a favor, and bite off her tongue, will you?”

First Sign of the Apocalypse: Jason Stackhouse can’t get it up!

“My weiner is depressed.¬† Kiss it, and make it better?”

Thank heaven for Andy Bellefleur!¬† Without his taking the rap for shooting Eggs, Jason Stackhouse would most certainly have been put in jail for murder.¬† And while he would undoubtedly look cute in an orange jumpsuit, a SHIRTLESS Jason Stackhouse is a terrible thing to waste.¬† Andy visits Jason at his house, in an attempt to keep him in line and to keep their “shooting story” straight.¬†

And then, suddenly, and out of no where, it seemed as though Andy Bellefleur¬†had been¬†possessed by female True Blood fans everywhere.¬† Because, for no rational¬†reason whatsoever, Andy stopped talking about the dull “murder thing,” and started talking about how important it was for Jason to get laid . . .

“The Fangirls’ wish is my command!”

In order to “eliminate suspicion” and “keep up appearances,” Andy instructs Jason to act as he did BEFORE he shot Eggs (and BEFORE he joined that religious¬†cult too, I guess).¬† That means LOVING THE LADIES, and LOVING THEM LOTS!¬†

“Conscience off!¬† Dick on!”¬† Andy commands.

Now THAT is a Jason Stackhouse motto, I can LIVE with!

Later, Jason hits up Merlotte’s with new roomie, Hoyt.

Welcome back, Jim Parrack!  LOVE the new buff bod!  Not such a fan of the new hair, though . . .

The two quickly and effortlessly pick up these pretty, but kind of dense, recent NYU grads, both of whom randomly have a thing for dogs.  But when they bring the girls back home, Hoyt is too busy whining over the loss of Vampire Jessica to do much screwing, and Jason keeps picturing the girls with bullet holes in their heads.   NOT a turn on!  (Note to the men out there:  If you TELL a girl that you keep seeing bullet holes in her head, she WILL think you want to murder her.  Some things are better left UNSAID.) 

Needless to say, neither of these sexy men get laid during this episode.  This is too bad.  Because I was REALLY hoping for some Jason Stackhouse Post-Coital Dancing . . .

“WOW!¬† Look at¬†the size of¬†that bullet hole!¬† Just kidding . . .LET’S BOOGIE!”

The Miraculous Tale of Vampire Bill, the F-U Crew, and Some Old Lady . . .

Well, the writers sure didn’t make us wait too long before telling us who took Vampire Bill.¬† Although his captor referred to his Band of Bumbling Idiots as the “F*&k You Crew,” those who have watched the promos, undoubtedly recognized him Werewolf Biker Badass, Coot (played by Grant Bowler). . .

Coot and his DOGS are trying to drive Bill to their secret lair.¬† The only problem is that they can’t seem to stop eating him.¬† (Don’t you hate it when that happens?)¬† So, the car goes off road, and Bill manages to escape.¬† Having been drained of quite a bit of blood, Vampire Bill wanders into some Old Broad’s home, feeds on her, and leaves, but not before glamouring her, and extracting some very important information for the viewers at home.¬† It turns out, our pal Bill is in Mississippi!

The Shirt Off His Back . . .

“Vampire Bill, I’m so upset!¬† I had the lamest plotline¬†of this ENTIRE episode!

“Let’s f*&k!”

“OK, Vampire Bill.¬† That would make me feel¬†much better.”

It’s a real shame that Vampire Bill is in Mississippi, and not Arkansas, where Sam is, because that would have undoubtedly improved this portion of the episode.¬†¬† Sam’s storyline tonight was a MAJOR snoozer.¬† Apparently, he’s on a hunt for his biological trailer trash Mommy, and deadbeat brother .¬† . . blah, blah, blah.¬† Now on to the good stuff!¬†

So, if you recall, last season, Sam was stabbed in the chest, and was seriously wounded as a result.¬† If not for his massive intake of Vampire Bill’s blood, he would have died.¬† Of course, taking a lot of blood from a Vampire has its consequences.¬† For one thing, it makes you have sexual feelings for the Vampire you drank from, regardless of your previous sexual preference.¬†

So, one night, while Sam is sleeping, he has a dream that someone has visited him at his hotel.  THIS Vamp . . .

After being invited in, Vampire Bill asks Sam for some clothing, and Sam literally gives him the shirt off his back.¬† But Vampire Bill doesn’t put it on.¬† Instead, after admiring Sam’s physique, he asks to use his shower.¬† He then invites Sam to join him, and Sam AGREES!¬† “We are going to have a great time,” replies Bill.

And just when these two crazy kids are about to make out, Sam wakes up . . .

I WANT MORE BAM!  And I want it NOW, dammit!

Vampire Blood for Sale!¬† Get it While it’s Cheap!

So, it turns out, Vampire Eric wasn’t being entirely honest with Sookie, when he was asked if he¬†had anything to do with Bill’s disappearance.¬† In fact, HE had hired people to kidnap Bill TOO!¬† Except, the F-U crew got there first!¬† Pam instructs Eric to tell Queen Sophie Ann about Vampire Bill’s disappearance, since¬†Bill is the only other vampire aware that the Queen and Eric are selling vampire blood on the black market.¬†

Eric scoffs at this idea.  However, soon after, Queen Sophie comes to HIM, along with that creepy dude who played J.J. on Big Love . . .

Apparently, there is some sort of two-for-one special on HBO Series stars.

I don’t recall what position “J.J.” holds in the vampire community.¬† However, I assume it’s high ranking, and has something to do with “law enforcement.”¬† (If you recall, this was the guy that forced Vampire Bill to “make” Vampire Jessica, as punishment for¬†his¬†killing another vampire.¬† “J.J” also seems to be higher up than Queen Sophie Ann, because he was bossing her around quite a bit, throughout this scene.

I must admit, initially, I wasn’t overly impressed with Evan Rachel Wood’s portrayal of Queen Sophie Ann during Season 2.¬† I just found her to be too over the top, and not nearly “queenly” enough.¬† However, Wood went a long way toward redeeming herself in my eyes tonight.¬† Watching her manipulate “J.J.” into thinking she was unaware of the marketing of Vampire Blood was pure poetry.¬† And seeing her strong arm the typically unfazeable Vampire Eric into selling off all of his black market vampire blood at a¬†major financial¬†loss to him, was even more satisfying.

This classic scene was followed up by another equally pleasurable one in which Vampire Pam, on Eric’s orders, pressured Lafayette to sell off his “goods.”¬† “Are you picking up what I’m putting down?”¬† Pam whispered in the ear of a terrified Lafayette.

Clearly, no further elaboration was necessary.  When Vampire Eric makes a request, Lafayette listens.  End of story . . .

Cartoon created by the folks at  www.campblood.org

16 and Pregnant?   And a Vampire?  (Well . . . not exactly)

When we last left Vampire Jessica, she had taken a major bite out of some D-baggy trucker dude, she picked up at a bar.  Now, with Papa Vampire Bill nowhere to be found, Baby Vamp Jess is forced to pick up the pieces all by herself.  She tries to revive the nearly dead dude, but does so to no avail.  Eventually, he dies (or does he?).  And in impulsive decision that, while misguided, was surprisingly astute for such a young vamp, Vampire Jessica feeds the maybe dead guy her own blood.

We don’t know yet whether he was actually turned into a vampire.¬† All we know is that he’s stinking up Bill’s house.¬† If I recall correctly,¬†in¬†True Blood¬†world, the “transition” from human to vampire¬†takes a few days.¬† It’s also possible that if this guy was TOTALLY dead, it would be too late for him to actually “drink” Jessica’s blood and change over.¬† So, we can’t really be sure whether Vampire Jessica has just made herself into a “teen mom” and Vampire Bill into an “absentee grandpa.”¬† Only time will tell.¬†¬† But I’m excited about this plotline, nonetheless.

At the end of the episode, Sookie, having noticed that Vampire Pam can “feel” her maker, Eric, “call her,” approaches Vampire Jessica, wondering whether SHE can do the same thing.¬† Apparently she can.¬† Unfortunately, just like the airing of award shows, Vampire Jessica’s “sense” of Bill is on a time delay.¬† So while, she was able to help Sookie find Bill’s crashed car and the dead¬†F-U crew member¬†in it, she was not able to find his current location, which is in the middle of a¬†pack of ravenous werewolves.

It seems that they used REAL wolves in filming this scene, which makes the above picture all the more adorable, fangs and drool, notwithstanding.

So, there you have it folks, my first True Blood recap of the season.  What did YOU think of the episode?  Was it worth the wait?

 

 

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The Psychology of Chuck and Blair: A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Unblairable Lightness of Being”

I’ll be the first to admit¬†it.¬†¬†¬†After¬†last week’s jaw-dropping, OMFG-uttering,¬†dynamo of an episode . . .

I wasn’t quite sure what to expect from this week’s installment of Gossip Girl.¬† And while, “The Unblairable Lightness of Being” certainly wasn’t the most action-packed of episodes,

or the funniest,

or even the sexiest / sluttiest,

it was certainly the smartest.

After all, this was the episode that delved into the complex relationship between Chuck and Blair —¬†capturing every sexy, tragic, intense, magical, conniving, self-sacrificing, mutualistic facet of the coupling, in the course of a single hour.¬† Oh, and this was also the episode where pregnant Dorota (Blair’s¬†Housekeeper / Surrogate Mommy)¬†finally got¬†MARRIED (and got her own place to live)!

Now if they could just stop making her wear that ridiculous French Maid Halloween costume all the time!¬† She’s a housekeeper!¬† WE GET IT!

And Little Eric got a life!  And (maybe) a potential plotline?

Little E = No longer just¬†Little J’s bitch?

And Serena may have finally found her Daddy Dearest!

“There he is!¬† The one guy on this show, I WON’T be able to sleep with .¬† . .”

Oh, and did I mention there was NO DAN AND VANESSA STORYLINE?

Let’s get on with it, shall we?

A Nice Day for a White Russian Wedding . . .

When the episode opens, a very preggers Dorota is freaking out because her parents, having heard news of her recent engagement to Vanya the Doorman, have decided to fly out from Russia to visit.  The problem?  Dorota is just a few months shy of popping out one of these . . .

 . . . and her parents have NO IDEA!

When Blair’s mom suggests Dorota pop on over to the Justice of the Peace and nip this thing in the bud, Dorota won’t hear of it.¬† Apparently, her first marriage was done by a Justice of the Peace, and ended badly.¬† Therefore, she is determined to have a¬†REAL wedding,¬†complete with all bells and whistles of Russian tradition.

Hey, just like Fiddler on the Roof!  Traditionnnnn!  TRADITION!  Ooooh Ooh Ooh Tradition!

(Sorry . . . I got a bit carried away there . . . )

Anyway, Chuck . . .

“How’s my hair?”

¬†. . . (Who has TOTALLY¬†been in the doghouse with Blair since he, you know, kinda-sorta prostituted her out to his Uncle, to keep his precious hotel.) decides he needs to make some sort of a grand gesture to win back Blair’s Gucci-encrusted heart.¬† His grand solution?¬† To throw money at the problem, of course!¬† Chuck¬†offers to throw Dorota and Vanya an impromptu traditional Russian Wedding.

AGAIN!  SORRY!  It was just TOO EASY!

This way, by the time¬†Dorota’s parents arrive from Russia, and learn that their baby girl¬†is knocked up, she will already be married.¬†( RIIIIIGHT!¬† Because Dorota’s strict parents are going to be THRILLED¬† that they flew halfway across the WORLD to see their daughter’s wedding,¬†only to learn that she¬†went and got married without them.)¬† Anyway, blatant stupidity aside, Dorota asks Blair and Chuck to be the “happy couple” that escort Dorota down the aisle, as part of Russian tradition, of course.¬† (Don’t worry, I won’t do it again).¬† Afraid to heart Surrogate Mom’s feelings, Blair accepts, but not before throwing a withering look in Chuck’s direction.

“This is what I think of your hair, Chuck!”

When Chuck confronts Blair about their now-sour relationship, she¬† tells him that what he did was unforgivable, and that he’s basically a sh&*ty person.¬† Chuck replies that Blair is a sh&*ty person too, because she was willing to screw Uncle Jack, before even learning about Chuck’s deal with him.¬† Blair agrees about her sh&*tyness, and tells Chuck, that perhaps she loves him too much, because she is willing to do hideous slutty things for him.¬† Therefore, he can’t be good for her.¬† When Blair later admits that Jack did NOT agree to sleep with her that night, Chuck is elated.¬† He claims that now everything can go back to the way it was, with the two of them scheming, game-playing, and having lots of hot sex.¬† Blair is not so sure . . .

Then, at that random Russian version of a bachelor / bachelorette party, Blair runs into snoozy Dan (who, I must say, is significantly less snoozy without Vanessa around) . ..

“Hi!¬† You’ve reached the office of Dan’s Personality.¬† I’m not here right now, but . . .”

In a feeble attempt to be supportive, Dan tells Blair that she should be with Chuck, because he can’t imagine the two of them with anyone else.¬† Blair takes this to mean that she and Chuck MUST be together, as a result of their mutual sh&*tiness.¬† Blair informs Chuck of this, in a sexy scene involving the erotic putting-on of a necklace.¬† (No, I’m serious.¬† It was really hot!¬† These two could roll around in dog cacca, and it would STILL be really hot.)¬† The conversation continues, during an equally sexually intense scene involving a strategically-placed balloon.

At the wedding, when it comes time for the “happy couple” to escort Dorota down the aisle, Super Selfish Blair chooses this precise moment to break down in tears about how UNHAPPY she and Chuck actually are. (Ummmm, Blair?¬† What about the words’ “SOMEONE ELSE’S WEDDING” don’t you understand?)¬† She then runs away in¬†a cloud of dramatic hysterics.¬† Dorota, who doesn’t want to lose her job and be deported cares very much about Blair, stops her wedding and comforts the youngun, telling Blair that her¬†happiness as an individual¬†is more important than her “happiness as part of a couple.”¬†

Blair’s mom overhears this triple- hanky moment, and decides to give Dorota the keys to¬†a new apartment.¬† Said apartment was¬†purchased for the housekeeper, by¬†Mrs. Waldorf’s new¬†husband, that nerdy teacher¬†dude from Clueless.

You see, initially, Blair’s mom didn’t want to give Dorota the apartment because she is a cheap biatch thought it would be inappropriate to do so.¬† But now,¬†realzing that Dorota is a better mommy to Blair than she will ever be,¬†Mama Waldorf¬†changes her mind.¬†

After the ceremony, Blair and Chuck share yet another close encounter, where Chuck begs Blair to give their relationship another chance, “We have to see this through to the end,” argues Chuck.

“It is the end,” remarks Blair sadly, before leaving Chuck alone on the dancefloor.¬† Ouch!

In other news,

Nothing You Can Say Can Tear Me Away from Bi-Guy .  . .

Little Eric’s new crush, who we initially thought was gay, and,¬†later, thought was straight, turns out to be bisexual . . .

 . . . just like Anna Paquin . . .

because . . .

Papa’s Got a Brand New Nag . . .

Back in Serena Land, Little J is continuing on with her quest to break up these two . . .

 . . . so that she can have Natey-kins all to herself.

Except, she really doesn’t have to work that hard at it, because Serena is a TOTAL MORON!¬†¬†First off,¬†Serena STILLdoes ¬†not realize that Jenny is scheming against her.¬† She, therefore, CONTINUES to feed Little J damning information to be used against the couple . . .

“Bravo Smartypants!”

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Serena¬†has also begun to dig her own grave, by setting up clandestine meetings with her ex-beau, Carter Baizen.

(played by Sebastian Stan, who was dating, but recently broke up with, Leighton Meester, who plays Blair, FYI).

With Jenny’s not-so-altruistic help, Nate learns of these rendezvous, and is none too pleased, particularly when he learns that Carter has left Serena keys to his hotel room.¬† When confronted, Serena admits to Nate the true purpose of these meetings: to find Serena’s Continuously Absentee Biological Pop Pop .¬† . .

(who, from what I heard, will eventually be played by this guy, Billy Baldwin). 

Nate responds by giving Serena an ultimatum: “No more playing with Carter!”¬† Serena balks at this, and storms off.¬† Later, when Serena ¬†is on her way to Dorota’s wedding, Carter stops her, and tells her that he has found her father’s home address.¬†¬†Daddy-O is currently residing in Palm Springs.¬† However,¬†if they want to see him, they (conveniently)¬†have to leave ASAP.¬†

Serena complies, ditching the wedding in favor of the trip.  But when she tries to call Nate, to let him know what is going on, Little J picks up the phone.  Of course, she fails to deliver the message in the way it was intended.

In the limo, Carter admits that he has known of the whereabouts of Papa Van Der Woodsen for a week already, but kept this information a secret, because he just¬†really wanted to get into Serena’s pants.¬† Serena kicks Carter’s ass out of the limo, and heads to Palm Springs alone.¬† But when she gets there, and knocks on the door, her father isn’t there.¬† This woman IS!

Dun, Dun, Dun!¬† It’s SERENA’S MOM!

Tune in next week, when it appears that the recently-single, Brooding Bad Ass, Chuck, will try to help Little J hook up with Nate, in order to further some bizarre revenge plot against Blair and Serena.

Until then, XOXO!

 

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