“Help! My sideburns are eating my face!”
Greetings Upper East Siders! This was quite a big episode for Dan Humphrey. In the course of an hour he: (1) was unknowingly hired by a royal family to stalk a prince; (2) became Blair Waldorf’s faux public boyfriend . . . for about two minutes; (3) lost Serena as a friend (also probably for about two minutes); (4) FINALLY kicked Mannessa to the curb (YIPPEE!); and (5) became the unwitting target for Gossip Girl’s 25th Future Psycho Stalker Guest Star. Hold on to your Hot Dog, Humphrey! Because you’re going to need it . . .
DAN HUMPHREY’S WEINER: “I haven’t gotten this much play, since that “Threesome Episode,” last season!”
And yet, for all the action Dan’s Ding-a-Ling got this week, “Petty in Pink” was actually Blair Waldorf’s episode. After spending three seasons on the Every Loves Serena show, Blair is finally getting a chance to shine. For once, Blair is the one with three boys in love with her at the same time. SHE’S the girl kissing boys, like it’s going out of style. And when the cheap CGI graphics SPARKLE across the screen, making you feel like you are watching your parent’s poorly-made wedding video, it’s Blair’s face that’s getting framed by their tacky light.
But I am getting WAY ahead of myself here! So, let’s get on with the recap . . .
A Secret Rendezvous
“Voulez–vous coucher avec moi (ce soir)?”
Remember Prince Louie, Blair’s
plot device temporary distraction from Chuck royal boyfriend, with whom she had a tepid, not particularly well fleshed out relationship whirlwind romance, during her exotic summer in Paris, early this season? Well, he’s BAAAACK! As luck would have it, those three scenes few weeks Blair spent with the prince have CHANGED HIS LIFE!
In fact, during all those weeks that Blair was busy doing this . . .
and this . . .
and even some of this . . .
Poor Prince Louie has been doing nothing but eating croissants, and THINKING ABOUT BLAIR!
“Pathetic . . . aren’t I?”
So captivated is this Prince by our Queen B, that he is seemingly willing to drop EVERYTHING, and RISK HIS ROYAL TITLE, to sneak across the country and spend time with
his American Fling the True Love of His Life. Blair (who I love to pieces, but, let’s face it, modesty isn’t exactly her strongest quality) sees absolutely nothing at all strange about this. And so she plans her weekend with the Prince, during which she plans to show him the finest things Manhattan has to offer!
“So, I was thinking I would take you to Times Square. They have this little store their that sells nothing but William and Kate Wedding Memorabilia . . . hint, hint.”
But then Louis informs her that his visit to NYC has to be a secret. And so Blair can no longer take Louis to the Best Manhattan has to offer. Instead, she will take him to places where no elite Manhattanite has gone before: a.k.a. Dan Humphrey’s Hipster Hangouts.
“I don’t find Five-Star restaurants to be sufficiently intellectually stimulating. Now, Starbucks, on the other hand, that’s a breeding ground for Genius!”
I had to giggle a bit when Blair’s minions arrived for their daily instructions. Blair informed them that she wouldn’t be attending classes that day. So, they should take notes on her behalf.
“But finals are just days away,” notes the Blonde Minion, who’s name I never bothered to learn.
Yes, because when you are Blair Waldorf, attending a prestigious Ivy League school like Columbia University, is just a footnote to your fabulous life of partying, scheming, and bedding princes. Remember a few seasons back, when Blair was the most conscientious student on a CW show, in that she actually (gasp) went to class, and studied? *Sigh* Those were the days!
Academics are SO last season!
Speaking of so-called “conscientious students” who suddenly never seem to go to class, and spend all their time on the Upper East Side, even though they attend school downtown at NYU, Dan Humphrey has just been called on for a “journalism job,” for which he never actually applied. For those of you keeping track, Dan’s published writing credits thus far include a love story about Serena (snooze) that miraculously appeared in the New Yorker . . .
Dan is just as shocked as you are . . .
. . . and a *stifles a laugh* fashion piece that Dan ghost wrote for the W magazine blog, back when Blair was it’s assistant editor for about 10 minutes. Nevertheless, SOMEONE found out Prince Louis is in town and has hired Dan to stalk him, and write a press piece about the Royal French Fry’s “princely” time in the Empire State.
Speaking of stalking . . .
“Golly gee, Serena! This thing called the ‘Internet’ is really fascinating. Can I really use it to watch people have sex?”
. . . Serena has just got word from the EEEEVVVILL Manessa, that Blair and Dan have recently learned what eachother’s tongues taste like. So, of course, rather than (gasp) ask her friends directly whether they’ve been “eating hot dogs” together, Serena decides to send her “naive and innocent” cousin Charlie out on a little recognizance mission to dig up some dirt . . .
Are you wondering whether ludicrous misunderstandings, ridiculous coincidences, and crazy hijinks are about to ensue? YOU BET THEY ARE!
But before we “go there,” let’s get the two
mostly lame and kind of irrelevant secondary storylines out of the way, shall we?
Mother, Where Art Thou?
Poor Raina Thorpe! She
never has any remotely interesting storylines on this show has just been massively betrayed by her father, and now feels more lost than ever. Suddenly, because it is convenient to the plot she REALLY wants to find her birth mother. Raina has hired a private investigator to find this woman, who she knows of only as “Avery Thorpe.” Said investigator has been sent off, armed with Raina’s birth certificant and some of that Thorpe Trust Fund Money.
One interesting thing I noticed about Raina’s birth certificate was that it said she was born in 1985, making her either 25 or 26, depending on the month she was born. This also makes her somewhere between 5 and 7 years older than BOTH Chuck and Nate (who are supposed to be either 19 or 20, I gather). Way to rob the cradle, Raina! (Not that we can blame her . . .)
Raina’s sudden curiosity over her mother’s whereabouts certainly do not bode well for Chuck, who is not only coping with the
very temporary loss of his true love, Blair, but also with the notion that his DAD MAY HAVE ACTUALLY KILLED RAINA’S MOM (by burning down a hotel, while she was in it)!
Is it any wonder than, that Chuck finds himself drowning his sorrows in a Liquid Breakfast?
NATE: “Single malt for breakfast?”
CHUCK: “Takes the edge off the coke.”
In addition to having recently gone through his own rather painful Faux Mama from the Train Fiasco, Chuck, of course, doesn’t want Raina to find out about his father’s possible role in her mother’s demise. And so, he cautions Raina against searching for her birth mother, while, at the same time, hiring his own private investigator to research what happened the night of the hotel fire.
“Yawn. I’d really much rather be in BLAIR’S storyline, than this one.”
When Raina’s private investigator actually finds a waitress in New Jersey named Avery Thorpe, who is about the age Raina’s mother would be right now, both Chuck and Nate offer to accompany her on the trip for support. (After all, the SCARY middle-class world of New Jersey diners is not somewhere an upper class gal, like Raina, should have to go alone. 🙂 )
“I can’t BELIEVE there’s no valet parking here! What kind of effed up place is this, anyway?”
But alas, “Avery Thorpe: Waitress Extraordinaire” claims that she never had children.
Chuck, of course, suggests that Raina stop her Parental Unit Search immediately, so that she can avoid
hating his guts in the very near future experiencing any further pain and heartache. But “pain and heartache” is Nate’s Middle Name! After all, his dad is Captain Coke Head, and his Mom is a Major B*tch! He also gets all of the WORST storylines on Gossip Girl, despite being insanely attractive. So, Nate tells Raina to keep on looking. At his wits end, Chuck FINALLY confides in Nate, as to why he has been so adamant that Raina NOT find her birth mom.
CHUCK (to Nate): “I need a hug.”
The episode ends with Chuck’s private investigator informing him that SOMEHOW video footage STILL exists of Raina’s mom fighting with Bart Bass, shortly before she entered into the hotel building that eventually caught fire. Avery Thorpe was never heard from again.
Geez! With all that EXTREMELY DAMNING evidence of the death of a VERY WEALTHY AND POWERFUL PERSON, you would THINK someone would have pieced this information together, 20-or-so years ago, rather than waiting until now to do it? But that would be logical. And logic and Gossip Girl don’t
ever always mix . . .
One thing’s for sure though, when Raina finds this out, our Main Man, Chuck Bass, “has some ‘splaining to do!”
Bart Bass: Ruining Chuck’s life since the early 90’s (And, now, he’s doing from it Beyond the Grave. Talk about impressive!)
In other Parental Unit News . . .
This Ankle Monitor Was Made for Walkin’ . . .
These days, EVERYBODY who’s ANYBODY is wearing one!
Poor Lily van der Woodsen! As it turns out, it’s hard out there for an Upper East Side Convict, particularly one who’s still deluded enough to think she’s still part of Manhattan’s Elite. All Lily wanted to do was help make the gift bags for the
Episode Party of the Week Pink Party. But, alas, that evil wench, Mama Archibald, who only consorts with convicts in her own bedroom, doesn’t want Lily’s jailhouse cooties all over her spa gift certificates, face creams, and vastly overpriced sunglasses. So, she takes them to the Trump’s house instead. (Gotta love, Gossip Girl’s shameless name dropping!)
*sings* “Nobody likes me. Everybody hates me. I guess I’ll have to go eat worms . . . or caviar.”
Not wanting Mommy to feel too lousy about being a hardened criminal, Serena, Rufus and Eric blackmail some random doorman who made out with Serena once (Seriously, who HASN’T made out with Serena, at least once?) to get the party moved to Lily’s HOUSE, so she can attend. (Riiiight, those Upper East Side snobs didn’t want Lily to TOUCH their gift bags. But surely they won’t mind sitting on her couch and using her toilet!)
“I think you’re scum. But my coke dealing husband and I would very much like to have sex in your bedroom.”
Having FINALLY realized what asshats her Botoxed B*tchy Upper East Side pals have always been, Lily makes me SUPER proud of her, by intentionally setting off her anklet, so the local police can crash her Pink Benefit, and kick everybody out of her house. (I just hope all the money they raised, still went to curing cancer . . . or whatever.) Toward the end of the episode, Lily decides she would much rather spend nine months under House Arrest alone with Rufus Humphrey, than attend swank parties with INTERESTING people . . .
To each his own, I guess . . .
But enough of that. Let’s get back to the MAIN EVENT!
Do you see a Humphrey?
Dan tracks Prince Louie down at an East Village restaurant called Veselka, where the latter is supposed to meet Blair. Little does Dan know, he TOO is being followed . . .
“Wow Dan! This picture of you will look perfect, next to the other 162 I already have hanging over my bed.”
Blair arrives on the scene and exchanges some brief snarkeries with Dan about how he shouldn’t mess up her “date.” Dan generously agrees to not be a Cock Block. But when Dan witnesses Blair exchanging smoochies with the same prince he’s been stalking all morning, Dan reluctantly realizes that his career as a Sleezy Tabloid Journalist is over, before it even began . . .
“Rats! I guess I will have to settle for being a TV Recapper, instead.”
Dan leaves immediately to quit his “job.” But of course, Future Psycho Stalker Charlie conveniently had her back turned when Dan left. All she saw was Blair meeting Dan at a downtown restaurant that she doesn’t typically frequent. Charlie tells Serena as much . . .
“That hussy! I bet she’s eating CARBS there too! You think you know a person!”
Wanting to catch her so-called bestie in an act of betrayal (“We were on a break!” Dan says.), Serena rushes downtown, as fast as her personal chauffeur can carry her. Once she is there, however, she encounters NOT Blair and Dan, but Blair and Louis.
Friend Stalking – FAIL!
Serena tries to play it cool, but ends up making sort of an ass of herself. After all, what the heck would Serena be doing at downtown restaurant alone, aside from spying on her friend . . . She NEVER EATS!
Outside the restaurant, Serena gives her dopey little pet Charlie, a condescending pat on the head, telling her that it was “totally” understandable that she mistook Dan for Louis. After all, with the exception of Chuck Bass and Eric van der Woodsen, every boy on this show looks EXACTLY ALIKE!
But Charlie is not giving up! She knows what she SAW, dammit! And she is determined to catch Dan and Blair in the act, even if she has to hide in Dan’s bed for an entire week to do it!
Crazy, crazy train. CHOO CHOO!
Louis, Louis . . . OH BABY! I SAID, “WE GOTTA GO.”
Dopey Dan! When he quit his “job” stalking Louis, citing a
puppydog crush on Blair conflict of interest, he inadvertently told his “boss” (who actually worked for the royal family, and was just using Dan to get information as to Louis’ whereabouts) about Louis dating the, only royal by Upper East Side Standards, Queen B.
As a result of Dan’s screw up, Louis’ advisors are going to pick him up from the states, and force him to return to Paris
where he belongs.
“Oops! Did I do that?”
Now, I suspect we are supposed to believe that Louis is terribly upset about this predicament. But something about the monotone manner in which he reads his lines (Perhaps, it’s a language barrier thing?) tells me he can care less. I’m going to say it now, I don’t trust this Louis-Louis. Not one bit!
Anyway, Blair is super pissed at Dan, for what he did. And she isn’t shy about telling him so. “You should have been suspicious the minute someone offered to pay you for your writing!” Blair scolds. (Blair ROCKS!)
But not to worry Louis Fans (all three of you)! Blair has a
ridiculously dumb plan to rescue her “French Connection.” Dan and Blair will make out in front of Louis’ handler at (where else?) the Pink Party. This way, the handler will not think that Louis came to the city to (gasp) “date a commoner,” and will, therefore let him stay. I think we all already know how this is going to end . . .
The plot thickens (but not by much), when Future Psycho Stalker Charlie snaps a photo of Blair and Dan pink tie shopping for the party, and forwards it to Serena. Upon seeing the picture, Serena begins to wonder whether Manessa and Charlie were right about Dan and Blair, after all . . .
Kiss and Tell (Gossip Girl)
Blair and Louis both attend the Pink Party together as planned, but enter separately, to keep up the ruse. When Serena sees Blair, she sicks her Mini Me Charlie on Dan, to see if the Queen B reacts negatively to another woman flirting with the Humping Humphrey.
(I think you are going to SERIOUSLY regret that move, Serena! Have you seen the movie The Roommate? Because I’m willing to bet Charlie has!)
Ummm . . . Serena? You are at a formal affair. Why does your hair look like someone erected a bird’s nest in it?
At the same time Charlie begins (very gleefully) flirting with Dan, Louis’ handler arrives. So, Blair, feigning jealousy, forcefully pulls Dan away. (“Let’s not get too handsy!” Dan warns.) This, of course, only serves to confirm Serena’s suspicions that these two are secret lovers. and then THIS happens . . .
And then . . . SURPRISE! Charlie sees these two putting on their Makeout Show, and sends a video of it to Gossip Girl for everyone to see! (Man, this psycho learns fast!)
“Does you think this picture makes my tongue look fat?”
Not wanting to spoil her little Louis Scheme, Blair is forced to “go public” with her “new relationship’ with Dan Humpty Dumpty. Of course, when she does this, her minions look at her, as if she just told them she eats puppies . . .
“I don’t even know who you ARE, anymore!”
Not wanting Serena to get the wrong idea, Blair and Dan rush to tell her the truth. But, of course, Serena, having COMPLETELY forgotten about the 100 plus times she has stolen Nate from Blair over the years, doesn’t want to listen to reason. Instead, S just stamps her foot, and cries wee, wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
“You keep getting all the BOYS this season, and I keep getting stuck with the Psycho Blonde Guest Stars, who want to take over my life and kill me! It’s not FAAAAAAIIIIRRRR, Blair!”
By the way, did no one else find it strange that we didn’t get to see CHUCK’S reaction to the Gossip Girl blast, featuring what he knows was a SECOND Dair kiss? I feel cheated out of my Chair, GG writers!
Confrontations and Coming Out Parties
“Blah, blah, blah, me, me, me, me, me, me, blah.”
Back at the Waldorf Mansion, Blair and Serena have a fight, during which Blair makes a lot of awesome points, and Serena makes a lot of lame ones. Granted, Serena starts off strong, by asking Blair, quite rationally, why she didn’t just come out and tell her right away that her and Dan had become friends. Blair returns a few solid volleys back, by basically telling Serena, that her and Dan do things together that Serena is simply too dumb to enjoy . . . like watching movies that aren’t cartoons or porn . . . and reading.
“Serena is Stupid jokes are AWESOME!”
But when Blair tries to confide in Serena that she has begun to recognize the “Humphrey Appeal” (whatever that is), Serena accuses Blair of only being interested in Dan because he was Serena’s.
“Oh, hell to the NO!”
Blair replies that Serena is just mad that, for a change, the Brunette, not the Blonde, is the one getting all the male attention. And though we’ve definitely seen at least 80 variations of this same argument, since this series began four years ago, this time, I have to concur with Blair. Serena, I’d like to introduce you to Jealousy. Jealousy, meet Serena . . .
Of course, BLAIR isn’t really the one Serena should be worried about. Sure, Dan’s got a THANG for the Queen B, as he openly admits later in the episode. But she’s definitely not pursuing him. You know who IS pursuing Dan Wants-to-Hump-Alot? THIS GIRL . . .
“Your head would look so pretty hanging from my ceiling fan . . .”
It wasn’t enough that Charlie singlehandedly ruined Dan’s, Serena’s, and Blair’s friendship, she then had to GO OVER TO DAN’S HOUSE, late at night to apologize. Then Dan, against his better judgment, invites Cuckoo for Cocoapuffs Charlie into his apartment because . . . well . . . I suspect all that necking with Blair has made him pretty horny? The one GOOD thing Charlie does in this scene is rat out Manessa for sending intel of Dan’s and Blair’s first kiss to Serena.
The absolute BEST moment of the episode for me, was when the SUPER ANNOYING Vanessa arrives on Dan’s doorstep, and Dan TOTALLY SHUTS HER DOWN, telling her, in no uncertain terms, that they are NO LONGER FRIENDS!
Hey Vanessa . . . Sayonara SUCKA!
Don’t let the door hit you where the Good Lord . . . Nevermind, let it hit you in the ass! You deserve it!
The episode ends with Louie inexplicably deciding that he NOW wants to go public with his relationship with Blair. (I’m telling you, I DON’T TRUST THIS GUY . . . AT ALL!)
BLAIR: “You’re not an evil bloodsucking vampire, are you? Because this is usually around the time when you tell me you are an evil bloodsucking vampire, and bite my head off.”
In the final scene, Blair and Louie emerge together in public for the first time, and swap royal spit with one another, as flashbulbs go off, and ridiculous diamond sparkle graphics adorn their so-called Love . . .
Next week’s installment of Gossip Girl promises Chuck’s re-entry into the Battle for Blair’s Heart. “I’m Chuck Bass. And I’m the Love of Her Life,” we hear Chuck tell some Royal Snob.
“Oh yeah, I’m THAT good.”
Let’s just hope that whole “Enraged Window Punching” thing we saw in the promos doesn’t get in the way of a Good Thing. (I’m counting on you GG, writers! PLEASE don’t screw this up again!)