Blame it on the Alcohol | TV Recappers Anonymous

Sunglasses = The Ultimate Hangover Accessory

This week’s installment of Glee was kind of like a weekend-long, alcohol-fueled bender. It was random, plot-free, only mildly coherent, embarrassing, vomit-filled, and, yet . . . at the same time . . . AWESOME!

So, fill up those shot glasses, turn on some Ke$ha, and get ready to make out with someone completely inappropriate, because it’s time for a GLEECAP!

Everybody in the School, Get Tipsy!

When the episode begins, Principal Figgins (or, as I like to call him, The Fig) is, once again, in need of Mr. Schuester’s help. Apparently, McKinley High’s alcohol content has recently skyrocketed to Charlie Sheen-type levels. The entire student body is walking around blitzed on Four Loko, cheap beer, and Mike’s Hard Lemonade (a.k.a. The Good Stuff). To combat this trend, The Fig wants The Schue and his Glee kids to perform a song about “the Dangers of Drinking” at the school’s “Alcohol Awareness Assembly.”

Normally, The Schue would welcome this opportunity! The problem is that lately he has become DEPRESSED. And, why not? He’s lonely and divorced. The object of his affections is house hunting with her faux-husband, Jesse from Full House (Have MERCY!). And . . . well . . . actually, I’m not sure what it is about THIS week that is making Will so much more miserable than usual. I mean, his life is the same degree of sucky that’s it’s been for about four episodes now! But it’s important to the plot that he be “depressed.” So, we’ll deal . . .

Always one to rub Will’s face in things, Sue materializes to tell Will that Alcohol Awareness Week will most certainly send our favorite Spanish Teacher straight to the Drunk Tank.

Now that you mention it Sue, a Rehab-themed episode of Glee would be FABULOUS. Just imagine all the Special Guest Stars we’d get to see!

But enough about those BORING teachers! We want to see some GLEE KIDS GET WRECKED!

Rachel Berry’s House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza!

Poor Rachel! She had such good intentions. There she is, just minding her own business, trying to create an original song for Regionals, when a (very hot) Mohawked-devil LITERALLY appears on her shoulder, and tries to convince her to throw a party at her house, while her two dads are on vacation. Rachel initially rebuffs Puck’s offer. But there’s nothing like a Really Bad Musical Performance to drive our diva heroine straight to the bottle . . .

Truth be told, Rachel’s “Original” single, “My Headband,” probably isn’t going to make it on to the Top 100 Itunes Downloads this week. And yet SOME might have found it inspiring!

Unfortunately, for Rachel, Finn is more of a pigtail-type guy, and, therefore, doesn’t show Rachel’s ode to headgear the love that it deserves. Rachel realizes that the reason she can’t come up with an “inspired” original song is that she has no “life experience.” She has never even TASTED ALCOHOL BEFORE! And so, our girl decides to throw a house party, after all, and invite “all of her friends” i.e. the Glee Club and Blaine.

The Glee crew is skeptical at first, as to whether Rachel will truly be able to “throw down” with the rest of them. And yet, they all ultimately decide to attend, looking forward to the Massive Trainwreck that will inevitably result . . .

Doesn’t this screenshot kind of look like one of those Sex Hotline ads you usually see on TV at 3am? Justin sayin’

As expected, the party gets off to a pretty lame start, with Rachel, clad in a what looks like my grandma’s nightgown, pawning off wine coolers on her guests, and threatening to involve them in a game of “Celebrity.”

Oh, Rachel! Hasn’t having two gay dads taught you ANYTHING about fashion?

Once Puck convinces Rachel to let him break into the liquor cabinet, however, things pick up, rather quickly.

We are treated to a fun little Drunk Party Montage, to the tune of Far East Movement’s G6, as Designated Driver Finn generously gives us all a tutorial on the “Different Types of Drunk People.” (Who said you couldn’t learn anything from Glee?)

Which type are YOU?

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Angry that Finn has dubbed her Needy Drunk, Rachel sets out to prove how very UN-needy she is, by setting up a game of Spin the Wine Cooler Bottle. To everyone’s surprise, the hottest kiss of the night actually belongs to . . RACHEL AND BLAINE?

Sexual orientation aside, these two are actually kind of smokin’ together. For one thing, they look like FRATERNAL TWINS! (Wait . . . ewwww . . . nevermind. That’s not awesome AT ALL!)

Honestly, am I the only one who thinks Drunk Blaine and Drunk Rachel are WAY MORE FUN, and WAY LESS ANNOYING / JUDGEMENTAL than Sober Blaine and Sober Rachel? I didn’t think so . . .

“Your face tastes awesome,” slurs Rachel in Blaine’s ear. (YAY, Cannibalism!)

After swapping spit and gnawing on one another’s faces for a good twenty seconds, while a dejected Kurt looks on miserably, Rachel and Kurt segway immediately into an impromptu duet of The Human League’s “Don’t You Want Me?”

Considering how COMPLETELY FUBAR-ed these two individuals supposedly are, the resulting performance is surprisingly good! See for yourself . . .

Unfortunately, we don’t get to actually see the rest of the party. However, we can assume that the night went pretty well, when we see Kurt’s dad Burt (who NEVER TAKES OFF HIS BASEBALL CAP, by the way. What’s up with that?) barge into Kurt’s bedroom the next morning, only to find THIS GUY in there . . .

“WAY TO GO, KURT! (My son is a TOTAL PIMP!)”

“The Hair of the Dog that Bit Yo Ass”

Despite the party having taken place on Friday night, the Glee kids are all conveniently still completely hungover by Monday. (LIGHTWEIGHTS!) The experience of being hungover has somehow converted Artie into Chris Rock. So, he informs the rest crew, in a RIDICULOUS accent, that they should all join him for some Bloody Marys, a.k.a. “The Hair of the Dog that Bit Yo Ass.”

Cut to the once-again inebriated Glee kids performing “Blame it on the Alcohol” for Mr. Schue in the school auditorium, while swaying back and forth on Rotating Red Leather Furniture(?). Seriously? What kind of BUDGET does the Glee Club have that they get these type of props? At my high school, musical performances in the auditorium always featured the exact same scenery: Hand-Drawn Smiley Faces on Posterboard . . .

The Schue, who apparently has NO SENSE OF SMELL WHATSOEVER, and is also a moron, can’t tell his own students are wasted. They are just REALLY GOOD ACTORS. (De-Nial ain’t just a river in Egypt, Schuester!) And yet, Will wonders whether this Jaime Foxx ditty glorifies drinking a bit TOO much to be performed at the Alcohol Awareness Ceremony.

You be the judge . . .

The Schue Gets Sloshed

Tired of listening to Will’s nonstop “wah-wahing” about how sucky his life is (Aren’t we ALL?), The Schue’s new bestie, The Beiste, decides to take the Glee Club advisor out for a night of hard drinking, bull riding, and cheesy line dancing. The pair even get up on stage and sing a duet of that countrified ode to wasted-ness, “One Bourbon, One Shot, One Beer.”

This would all be well and good, except for the fact that Will still has Spanish tests to grade . . .

“Que HAGO Uds.?” “Yo ESTOY el hermano de Pepe?” YO NO THINK SO!

After giving all his CLEARLY illiterate Spanish students A+’s on their exams (I am SO transferring to this school!), Will makes the same fateful mistake many of us unfortunately make after a night of endless boozing and faux-soul searching. Of course, I am referring to . . . THE DRUNK DIAL!

“Emma? I luuuuuuuuuuuve youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!“

As luck would have it, the following morning, when a VERY hungover, also sunglasses wearing (Product Placement much?) Schuester arrives at school and confronts Emma about his belligerent late night phone call, she has no idea what he’s talking about.

“PHEW! Now THAT would have been embarrassing . . .”

Then again, maybe he’s NOT so lucky, after all . . .

“You want to put your . . . WHAT . . . in my . . . WHAT?”

In sober-er news . . .

Ring Around the Closet . . .

Poor Little Ornery Kurt! He’s not exactly having the best episode. First, he made the mistake of STAYING SOBER at Rachel’s party. So, he had his full faculties, when he had to watch the man of his dreams make out with his new gal pal. Then, his dad read him the riot act about having Blaine sleep over, despite the fact that the dude was so wasted, Kurt didn’t even get to COP A FEEL! Kurt accuses his dad of having a double standard, regarding the whole sleepover issue. “If Finn had PUCK sleepover at the house, you wouldn’t care!” Kurt whines.

*sigh* A Finn and Puck sleepover . . . I’ve had dreams about this . . .

Burt gently reminds Kurt that his analogy is a POOR one. While Burt wouldn’t care if Finn had PUCK sleepover, he WOULD care if Finn had Quinn or Rachel sleepover. (Does that mean KURT can have Rachel sleepover, without his dad getting mad? I mean, it’s only fair, right?)

“I watched all of Brokeback Mountain. Now, I don’t know much about gay stuff, but I’m pretty sure something went on in that tent,” Burt notes wryly . . .

*sigh* Memories!

Ultimately, the father / son duo come to a compromise. Kurt will ask Daddy, before having any possibly gay dudes sleep with him (a.k.a. any guy in Glee Club). In return, Burt will school himself on the wonders of male-on-male sex, just in case Kurt happens to “have any questions” on the topic. (Oh, Burt! I have a WHOLE LIST of really great movies I can recommend for you on this topic. Just call me, OK?)

But Kurt’s dad is the least of his problems. Kurt also has to worry about the fact that a ONCE AGAIN drunk (My, they sure fall off the wagon fast on this show!) Rachel has asked Blaine out on a REAL date, post kiss. And Blaine has accepted!

“And we can play Barbies, and watch The Care Bears Movie, and you can braid my hair, and play with my dollhouse . . .”

Kurt sees Blaine’s acceptance of a date with Rachel as a blatant rejection of Kurt homosexuality. Blaine argues that he is ~~just not that into him~~ “confused” about whether he’s into dudes, chicks, or both, and that Kurt should ~~stop chasing after him like a wounded puppy~~ be more understanding. Then Blaine ends the conversation, just as any straight manly man would, by sticking his tongue out, flipping his hair, and strutting off, in a huff . . .

That night Kurt stops by Rachel’s house to ~~ask stalkerish questions about Blaine, and interrogate her about the Infamous Date the two shared~~ help her clean up the basement, after the big party. To Kurt’s chagrin, the pair actually had a great time. Kurt “kindly” tells Rachel that she is destined to a be a perpetual . . . forgive the expression . . . “Fag Hag” to gay guys pretending to be straight, starting with Blaine. Now, if I were Rachel, I would of SLAPPED Kurt in the face for saying that to ME! (Even though, let’s face it, it’s probably true . . . for Rachel at least.)

I love how, in this screencap, you can clearly see the bra Brittany was wearing earlier, at the party, hanging on the wall, behind Rachel and Kurt . . . It’s all about the details!

But Rachel, to her credit, refuses to be bullied by Jealous Kurt, and his pronouncements of doom and gloom. She vows to kiss Blaine sober, thereby proving, once and for all, that the Warbler, is, in fact, in love with her. After all, she is not about to pass up the opportunity to have “A New Musical Boyfriend” and . . . eventually, “vaguely Eurasian-looking babies.” I mean, can you blame her?

The next day, at the coffee shop, as Kurt creepily looks on, Rachel plants another smackeroo on the Blainester . . .

Blaine’s reaction? “Yep, I’m gay,” replies the Head Warbler, before exiting the coffee shop.

WOW! Insensitive much? Who knew gay guys could be such D-bags? Fortunately, Rachel takes the rejection in stride. Besides, being dumped by a gay guy in the middle of Starbucks is GREAT song-writing material. Even, Rachel’s headband would agree!

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I Didn’t Know Vomit Could be That Color . . .

Looks more like Wet Cement . . . actually.

It’s the day of the Alcohol Awareness Assembly, and the Glee kids are unusually nervous about their performance of Ke$ha’s (or, as The Fig calls her “Ke Dollar Sign a”) rousing alcoholic anthem “Tik Tok.” Fortunately, Rachel has come bearing courage-fabricating “refreshments.” Said “refreshments” apparently include the REST of the contents of her dads’ liquor cabinet, all poured into one big yummy vat . . . along with cough syrup . . . and some crushed up Oreos . . .

Mmmmm . . . Yummy!

Led by Ke$ha lookalike Brittany, and her criminally short-shorts, the Glee kids give a performance that starts off rather well, and ends in . . . for lack of a better word, Vomitpalooza 2011.

“Everybody drink responsibly,” slurs Brittany at the end of the performance, before rushing off for an intense session of Oreo Cookie Tossing and Porcelain God Praying.

You can enjoy the Glee kids, in all their pukey splendor, RIGHT HERE . . .

To add insult to vomit-covered injury, the next day, Sue decides to broadcast Will’s drunk dial to Emma across the student loudspeaker, during morning announcements. (Poor Will! He must not have very many friends AT ALL, if “Sue’s” name comes anywhere near “Emma’s” in his Cell Phone Contact List.)

Usually, on television shows like this, “Drunk Declarations of Love” are surprisingly romantic, eloquent, and poignant. Not so here! Kudos to Glee for showing the world what REAL DRUNK DIALS sound like: disturbing, stalkerish, and incredibly creepy.

“Bring some wine coolers to my place, and we can get busy together ALL night . . . I rode a bull tonight, and when I was riding it, I was thinking of YOU,” slurs Will into his phone. (Ummm . . . ew?)

“Awwww, you think I look like a Mechanical Bull! That’s the sweetest thing anybody’s ever said to me!”

But just in case you were worried that our Glee kids and Will would experience repercussions for their bad behavior, worry not! The Fig LOVED IT! Thanks to the Glee kids barf, and Will’s humiliation, no one wants to be drunk in school anymore.

Uhhhh . . . your welcome?

In fact, The Fig is so grateful to the Glee club for their effort, he gives them all coupons to buy yogurt! Because that’s the first thing you want to eat, after you’ve vomited up your insides . . . mushy, chunky, globule, yogurt . . .

That afternoon, at Glee club practice, The Schue makes all the students sign pledges promising to stay sober through Nationals. However, he also gives the crew his cell phone number, so that, in case they DO end up getting wasted, he can come pick them up from whatever dark alley they decide to shoot heroine in.

Can I get that number too, Will?

And that’s all she wrote! Be sure to tune in two-weeks from now, when The Schue FINALLY takes a break from whining and complaining about how miserable his life is, in order to rock out to some Prince songs, and bang Gwyneth Paltrow. Good times!