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“And I will try to fix youuuuuu.” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “My Brother’s Keeper”

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really happening

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Oh yeah, Caroline . . . it’s happening, all right!

Oh, my dear sweet Fangbangers!  How I’ve missed you, during this one week interminable hiatus.  And what an episode to come back to!  Let’s see, there was another Miss Mystic Falls Pageant, Mini Gilbert hopped a ride on the Crazy Train, Klaus got all mushy gushy over a teeny tiny bird with a big nose, and . . . wait . . . I know I’m forgetting something.  Hmmm . . . what could it be?

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

Was it about Nosebleed Bonnie?

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Nahh . . . she wasn’t even in this episode.  Good riddens!

How about that dead hybrid from last week?  Did he return as zombie to exact revenge on our Scooby Gang?

finn zombie

Nope . . . not him either.

Oh, I remember now! DAMON AND ELENA HAD SEX . . . WITH EACH OTHER.

cheers

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THEY BONED.  THEY WERE NAKED.  SHIRTS WERE RIPPED.  BODICES WERE TORN.

lively elena

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DAMON ROAD THAT NEWBIE VAMP ALL THE WAY TO POUND TOWN . . .

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stayed for the show

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I’ve really gotta lay off on the capital letters . . . and the caffeine.

not sure how to stop

Anywhoo . . . let’s rewind a little bit, so we can see how it all went down.  [By the way, welcome back, Andre! Many thanks for the rockin’ screencaps . . .]

Stefan and Caroline: Gossip Girls

sad stef

“She dumped me, Bro!  And now I have this strange urge to write bad poetry, and cheesy diary entries, while showing off my muscular physique to no one in particular.”

gossip girl

“Wait . . . don’t you do that every week?”

Everybody needs a good girlfriend.  And I’m not speaking in a romantic context either.  We all need someone we can call, after a bad day, who will listen to us, while we bitch and moan about our mean teachers, our awful bosses, and our inconsiderate significant others . . . someone who will say to us, “Hey Girl!  You are SO right.  That guy of yours is total toolbox.  You can do so much better than him” . . . even if it isn’t exactly . . . like . . . true and stuff.

that betch

“That bitch!  I’m going to totally kick her ass.  How dare she dump one bloodthirsty vampire for another one?  I’m going to really give her a piece of my mind . . . once I get back from my hot date with the evilest, most bloodthirsty vampire on the planet.”

Damon used to have that with Alaric . . .

team bad ass

. . . you know, before Alaric went psycho and started trying to murder Damon on a regular basis.  Stefan sort of had that with his boy toy Klaus.

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“You can be my bodyguard.  And I can be your long lost pal.  I can call you Betty, and Betty when you call me, you can CALLL MEEEE KLAUUUUSSSS, call me Klaus.”

But, let’s be honest, their relationship was always more homoerotic than it was mutually supportive.  So, as much as I was annoyed by Caroline’s and Stefan’s “Mean Girls” act this week, seeing Stefan bitch and complain about being dumped by Elena to Caroline was probably the most “human” thing I’ve seen the guy do in about three seasons.

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Make that the second most Human Thing.  Looking goood, Steffy!

For once, Stefan wasn’t busy being either “good and honorable” or “ravenous and psychotic.”  He was just the girl who didn’t get asked to the prom by the high school quarterback.  So, instead, he stayed home crying to his girlfriends (who also didn’t have dates), while shoving Ben & Jerry’s ice cream down his throat.

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Well, except for the fact that given how ripped Saint Stefan is, it’s pretty clear to me that Paul Wesley has never met Ben or Jerry, in his entire life.

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But hey . . . it’s a start right?

Speaking of Mean Girls, whoa Caroline!  When exactly did your Season 1 self come back to literally bite you in the ass?  For someone who spent the entire episode bitching about how much Elena had changed, since she went full on vamp, Caroline sure was acting like someone other than the Perky Little Vampire Barbie we had all come to know and love.  Perhaps, Bonnie’s absence left an opening in the show’s obligatory “Judgy Girl / Cockblock Quota.”

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Whatever the reason, Caroline was 100% Regina Georging Elena for most of the episode, disregarding her choice of men, her choice of clothes (more on that later), and even her personality.  Honestly, I kept waiting for Elena to show up at the Miss Mystic Falls pageant wearing sweat pants, so that Caroline could banish her from the lunch table.

mean girls really pretty

Oh wait . .  . I forgot, these kids only actually attend school once every two months.  So, lunch tables are not an option . . .  In other romance news . . .

Klaus whispers sweet nothings in Stefan’s ear, causing sexual frustration  in our “hero”

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That Klaus sure is one kinky vamp, isn’t he?  Here we have Stefan, in his tight bodice-busting wife beater tee, just brooding, and minding his own business.  Then, out comes Klaus to put his big manly arms around Stefan, place his lips near his neck, and whisper in his ear, all the naughty things he will do to him, if Stefan doesn’t obey the elder vampire’s desires (i.e. make Jeremy a mass murderer so the Etch-a-Sketch on his arm produces more of those pretty pictures Klaus adores so much . . . but no ponies, unfortunately).

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Talk about tough love!  A ridiculously small part of me really did believe that these two were going to hump, right there in the woods like the sexy savage beasts they are.  But instead, Klaus leaves Stefan with a massive case of these . . .

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Dumped by his girlfriend, denied by his gay lover, can you really blame Stefan for being a little snippy with his brother, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome?

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DAMON:  “You’re bitchy today!  Who crawled up your ass and died?”

STEFAN: “Not Klaus or Elena, that’s for sure.”

DAMON: “Bummer, you should see if Matt Donovan is free . . .”

My how the tables have turned!  This time around it’s Stefan, offering up the half-cocked, impulsive plan that’s going to put everyone’s lives in jeopardy, while Damon is being the more conservative one, opting in favor of protecting Jeremy’s life and his sanity, over the quick fix of using his hunter mark to rescue Elena, no matter how many people get hurt in the process.

damon face

“I know, it kind of surprised me too.”

And while for three seasons, Damon has bore the brunt of his Elena-sized rejection with quiet broodiness, and pleasant self-deprecation, Stefan is just one big ole’ sour grape about the whole thing.  “Don’t pretend like this isn’t the best day of your entire life,” Stefan remarks snidely, when Damon expresses sympathy toward his brother over the breakup.

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In Stefan’s defense, while Damon might look calm and collected on the outside, upon hearing this news, on the inside, I suspect he’s doing this . . .

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 . . . and this . . .

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. . . and maybe even a little of this . . .

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Meanwhile, back at the pageant . . .

This is your brain on Professor Boo Radley (and these are your muscles on Vampire Hunter Steroids) . . .

more big muscles

“GRRRRR!”

big muscles

“Rawrrrrrrrr”

hey ladies

Matty LIKE!

Apparently, having a new nifty new tattoo has turned Jeremy into the frat party version of a super hero.  He LIFTS HEAVY KEGS with a single orgasmic grunt.  Matt pretends to be concerned about Jeremy’s “mental health” and stuff.  But you know that deep down he’s impressed, kind of jealous, and a little bit turned on . . .

Meanwhile, even feuding femme fatales, Caroline and Elena, agree that Professor Boo Radley is mega creepy, and always seems to be putting his annoyingly curly head of hair where it isn’t wanted.  Therefore, it’s a kind of a good thing Damon wants to kill him, right?

annoying shane

He even has serial killer eyebrows . . .

Speaking of making a killing . . .

Eeny, Meeny, Miney, MURDER!

Stefan’s scouring the hospital for humans with a very specific set of medical conditions.  At first, I assume that this little hunting trip was brought on by breakup-induced stress eating . . .

freaking hungry

But nope. Stefan’s looking for “bad people” to turn, just like Elena was looking for “bad frat brothers” to much on, during her campus excursion with Damon, a few weeks back.  After all, everyone knows that Bad People taste better (much more flavor!).

eat him for sport

Stefan finds what he’s looking for in a hospitalized killer who completely lacks remorse for his misdeeds.  You know, kind of like Stefan and the rest of the Scooby Gang, when they killed Poor Hybrid Chris to cure Elena of Night Terrors.  Stefan promptly turns Killer Guy, into a vamp, in hopes that he can later force Jeremy kill him.

force feed

“You will MAKE OUT WITH MY ARM, AND YOU WILL LIKE IT, BITCH!  In case you haven’t heard, my girlfriend dumped me, and I haven’t had sex in two weeks.  I’ll take what I can get.”

And hey, if doing that just so happens to transform Jer Bear into a raging lunatic, so be it.  Because . . . let’s all say it together now . . . WE’RE DOING IT TO SAVE ELENA!

happy elena

Except, here’s a new wrinkle in that plan . . . This time, Elena doesn’t really need saving, you know, being IMMORTAL, and stuff . . .

Because unlike CRAZY!DERANGED! Elena, Caroline doesn’t have a thing for Bad Boys at all . . . does she?

Oh Sweet Caroline!  You aren’t fooling anyone with your “Go away I’m busy,” “Don’t buy me dresses,” act with Klaus.  Everybody knows you want to hit that hybrid booty, and hit it HARD.

hard to get

“Do you think he’s looking at me?  He’s TOTALLY looking at me.  Play it cool, Caroline.  Maybe he won’t notice that you’re reading your clipboard upside down . . .”

And hey, none of us blame you for looking.  That smirk of Klaus’ could melt the polar ice caps.

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But you know what they say.  Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t pick on Elena for lusting after a bad boy, when you are lusting after a worse one.

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Wait. . .  that’s now how it goes . . .  Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t . . . be hypocrites?  No, that’s not it either.  Ooh nevermind.

But my poor analogies have purpose!  They actually bring me to two rather interesting, and oddly parallel, scenes in our story: one featuring Lady Elena, and the other starring none other than Caroline Forbes herself . . .

The Tale of the Tell Tale Dress and the Phallic-Looking Bird

look at dress

“Hey Caroline.  We’re supposed to be helping April pick out a dress.  Stop staring at my boobs.”

April Young is running for Miss Mystic Falls, like Elena and Caroline before her. I suspect we are supposed to like care or something.  But I’m still having difficulty getting invested in April.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I keep waiting for her to get brutally murdered.

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Also, I want Matt to be with Rebekah.  There, I said it.  Matt is just such a “nice guy,” and April is such a “nice girl.” And as “nice” as it would be if they were a couple, it would probably  . . . no, definitely  . . . put me to sleep watching them on my screen.

rebekah heart

But I’m not here to talk about Matt and April, or even Matt and Rebekah, for that matter.  I’m here to talk about Elena, and her reaction to April’s choice of dress.  At first, she agrees with Caroline, and is all about the blue.  Then Damon swoops in, and suddenly she’s agreeing with him, and she’s all about the red.

red dress

“Because Red is the color of Blood.  And if you look like Blood, everyone in this town will want to eat you.  And, in case you haven’t noticed, we all equate eating with sexual attraction around here . . .”

want sandwiches and sex nickmillerfixed it

Now, of course Caroline is morally aghast by the whole situation.  Later on, she’ll use it as evidence that Elena is “sired” to Damon.

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I don’t know, I just see it as evidence, that Elena doesn’t have many strong opinions about fashion.  I mean, Caroline certainly didn’t accuse Elena of being sired to her, when she agreed to her choice of dress, did she?  Beyond that, I’d just say that Elena was acting like a girl who’s recently discovered she has a crush.  We’ve all been in those first stages of puppy love, before, haven’t we?  Suddenly, everything this person does is friggin adorable, and every word out of their mouth is pure gold.

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There’s nothing supernatural about it.  Sometimes a dress is just a dress . . . Now, a hummingbird . . . that’s another story . . .

Remember that time when Klaus told a dying Caroline this beautiful, inspirational, story about the perks of being a vampire, and that same story inspired her to LIVE?

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3 11 klaroline allyouhavetodois ask faeryinwonderland

Well, this hummingbird story wasn’t that.  So, wait, let me get this straight.  Big bad Klaus decided he envied humanity, all because some bird with a big schnoz looked at him cockeyed?

dancing

Shake that ass, humming bird!  Klaus loves you!

Really?  That’s funny, because, last I checked HUMANS AREN’T BIRDS!

And yet, as Klaus’ date to the Miss Mystic Falls pageant, Caroline just ate that stupid hummingbird story up, like it was delicious blood-covered chocolate brownie.  And why?  Because puppy love can make you approve of some very stupid things . . .

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“That bird story is the stupidest crap I ever heard.”

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“But you’re so yummy.  Wait . . . tell me that amazing story about the bird again.”

Think about THAT the next time you are Judgy McJudgersoning Elena, CareBear . . .

Speaking of puppy love . . .

Elena confesses!  Damon swoons!  Professor Boo Radley cockblocks!

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Yes, yes, yes.  It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for, since we saw it in last week’s promos.  Elena calls out to Damon from the top of that romantic spiral staircase.  She meets him at the bottom, and finally confesses to him the words that this vampire has arguably been waiting to hear for about 150 years, from the girl who looks like Nina Dobrev, and whose name is alternately Katherine and Elena.  She has FEELINGS FOR HIM!

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She dumped STEFAN for him!

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She may even . . . wait for it . . . LOVE HIM!  And just in time for the holidays too . . .

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I just loved seeing Damon’s expression, upon hearing this.  I love how he didn’t even really try to play it cool, and casual,  like he usually does.  Damon was overcome with emotion.  He was ecstatic.  He was . . . just like every Delena fan watching at home . . . minus the girly screams, and the screechy choruses of “OH MY GAWWWWWWWWD!”

happy damon

And then that bastard Boo Radley had to come and frack it all up.  KILL HIM ALREADY, WILL YOU WRITERS!  I don’t care if he’s Silas!

cockblock

“Look, Damon and Elena are having a Moment.  This looks like a job for COCKBLOCK OF THE WEEK, MWAH-HA HA!”

Damon leaves to have a little conversation with Mr. Creeper Man.  And it’s a pretty typical scene, where the pair shower one another with innuendo, and thinly-veiled threats.  YAWN!  Professor Boo Radley bores me.  More Delena please . . .

In, more exciting, non-Boo Radley, related news . . .

Mini Gilbert pops his vampire killing cherry . . . again.

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“Why can’t I just have wet dreams, like normal teenage boys?”

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“In my dreams, this was much bigger . . . just like my weiner.”

Poor JerBear . . . he’s having dreams about murdering his sister.  I wonder, maybe if the Scooby Gang kills a hybrid, they can cure him of these night terrors.  Oh wait . . . we only do that for Elena.  When it comes to Mini Gilbert, we do things to make him MORE crazy, not less.  To his credit,  Jeremy definitely seems morally aghast by his own unfulfilled desires.  But then his “bro” Stefan texts him.  And he ditches out on the Miss Mystic Falls pageant to go see him about killing a newbie vamp.

meet me

“Remind me to delete this asshole from my contacts list.  He’s always getting me into trouble.

Stefan was a real jerk, in this scene, wasn’t he?  The way he manipulated Jeremy into making the kill, knowing full well that there was a major possibility that doing it would turn our mild mannered former emo kid into, as Damon cleverly put it, “Connor 2.0?”

Was I the only one who was cheering just a little bit, when Jeremy, not only didn’t show Stefan his pretty new tattoo, but immediately turned on the vampire, and staked his ass?   Come on, admit it, dude had it coming . . .

gotcha

beating up stefan

I find the way the writers dealt with Jeremy’s Vampire Hunter transformation interesting.  It was as if, the minute he killed vampire number 2, the guy became a completely different person . . . like he was a man possessed . . . like he had an alter ego . . . like his former self lacked free will over him . . . like he was Evil!Alaric . . .

And it kind of makes me wonder what kind of guy Connor was, before he became a vampire hunter . . .

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While Jeremy’s Presto Chango Personality Transformation made for good television drama, part of me wished for a little more subtlety, and gradual metamorphosis, on the character’s part.  I find this is a frequent complaint I have with the show.  I recall having made similar comments about Stefan’s “ripperness” and Alaric’s “psycho-ness,” not long before.  And here is my general feeling.  When you give a character an “alter ego,” you enable him or her to disclaim complete responsibility for all acts committed while in that state.  And that gives your characters a sort of moral “easy out” clause, that I don’t necessarily think they deserve.

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Part of me would much prefer to see Jeremy gradually struggle with his feelings about vampires, and the ways they conflict with the love he has for his family and friends.  But that’s just me . . .

And the winner is . . . zzzzz

red dress april

Meh . . . I would have gone with the blue dress.

April won.  Jeremy bailed at the last minute, because he was out being “naughty,” just like Stefan was, back in Season 1.  Matt then stepped into Damon’s Season 1’s shoes, by acting as April’s last-minute Knight in Shining Kmart suit.  Plotwise, it did little to advance the main story.  But it was a kind of clever way to send up, one of the most popular episode’s in the show’s first season.

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Not to mention, those looks that Damon and Elena were giving one another, as they recalled their days of Unrequited Passion / Mating Dance past?  PRICELESS . . .

Breaking Bones and Taking Numbers

bored now

“Hurry up and break your sire bond, already.  I want to watch Honey Boo Boo!”

I like Hayley.  I really do.  I know I’ve bitched about not warming to April.  But I started enjoying Phoebe Tonkin’s part in this series, almost as soon as she appeared.  Maybe it’s because I liked her in The Secret Circle.  Maybe it’s because she’s just a good actress.  Or maybe I like her tension with Tyler and Caroline, and feel like she’s the type of “tough girl” we don’t see enough on this show.  Whatever the reason, I thought the scenes where she boredly “coached” that hybrid chick through breaking her sire bond were pretty darn hilarious.

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Not for this chick though, I imagine . . .

And I was disappointed at the end of the episode, when I learned that she was in CAHOOTS (love that cheesy word), with the detestable BOO RADLEY.  And no, the fact that she begged for “Tyler not to get hurt,” did little to endear her in my eyes.  You know what they say, you lie down with creepers, you start giving people the creeps.

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So, I hope they redeem this chick soon . . . and not just by making her die a dramatic death, as they tend to do on this show.

Speaking of Boo . . .

Shane, Shane, we know your name “It’s Silas Professor Boo Radley.”

funny face shane

Evil eyebrows at work again . . .

So, now we have a reason to keep Boo Radley alive . . . umm yay?

So, basically his whole connection to this thing is that he can make Bonnie Bennett regain her witchy powers, so that she can help find the “cure” to vampirism .  . . because apparently the Map Tattoo and pretty stake aren’t enough.

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Wait a minute . . . is THAT A HUMMINGBIRD ON HIS SHOULDER?

Ugh!  So, in other words, we’ve yoked a character I don’t like to another character I don’t like.  And had that same first yucky character (Boo) taint a character I actually DO like (Hayley).

GO AWAY SHANE!

So, much for that whole “not murdering your sister” thing, huh, Jer Bear?

Things get pretty tense when Elena finds her brother at the Salvatore mansion, all bloody and stuff, from killing That Guy.  Long story short, she vamps out, he stabs her neck .  . . (perhaps as payback for the time when she killed him last week).   Matt comes to save the day, which was nice of him, I guess, since Elena’s saved him quite a few times.

damon and matt

All kidding aside, I thought the scene was pretty nicely done, in the sense that it was TRULY shocking to see Jeremy revert to a character this depraved, almost on the drop of a dime.

At the end of the episode, Jeremy plans to leave town, so he won’t, you know, kill his sister and stuff.  But Savior Matt convinces him to stay, and promises to “watch out for him.”  Personally, I think that’s a terrible idea.  Matt Donovan couldn’t “watch out” for a half-empty beer keg, and he’s supposed to prevent Jeremy from murdering all the undead in Mystic Falls?

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It will make for a good story though, I guess . . .

And now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for (if you are a Delena fan, at least)

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So, with Jeremy staying at La Casa Gilbert, Brush-with-Death Elena finds herself without a home.  And though she could probably just check into a hotel, or stay with Bonnie or Caroline, she decides to make an already awkward situation that much more awkward, by moving into the Salvatore House, with the guy she dumped, and the guy she wants to bone, both under the same roof.

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It’s like that old 70s show Three’s Company, only with lots of biting, and less Suzanne Somers . . .

But then Stefan decides to move out, thereby giving Elena and Damon about 20 free rooms, not to mention a ton of bathrooms, in which to screw at their leisure.  I LOVE IT!

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Damon and Elena sit by the fire, where they’ve had many an intense conversation in the past.  She makes a really good point, when she notes how all her so-called friends have been judging her, telling her she’s not as good of a person, as a vampire, and trying to cure her of the person she’s become.

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But it seems like, finally, whereas Elena spent the first few weeks of her vampirism mired in self-loathing, she’s now coming to terms with who she’s become, and is OK with it.  It’s like she said to Stefan in an earlier scene.  “You don’t have to love me like this,” because, at least it’s implied “I love myself.”

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Who would have thought it would take vampirism to convert Elena into a role model for positive teen self esteem?  I think that’s what Damon means, when he tells her that he’s never seen her more alive.  Things get romantic and sticky sweet, when the pair decide to relive their EPIC Mystic Falls dance.  Only whereas last time, the pair weren’t allowed to touch one another, this time, the dance ends with a dip and a passionate kiss.

lively elena

And then they pretty much bone one another’s brains out . . .

In short, it was F*&KING AMAZING, after 3 years to finally watch these two F*&K.  LONGEST FOREPLAY EVER.  And while certain “other things,” happened during the scene to taint it’s “purity.”  I choose to view it the way the person who made this video did . . .

surprised-face

HALLELUJAH!

Yes, yes, I know, the REAL SEX SCENE was inter cut by a high strung Caroline and smug Stefan chalking Elena’s newfound vampire urges up to a “sire bond,” but I’m trying not to let that get to me.

plotting

Blah, blah, blah, interrupting my Delena sex blah . . .

To me, chalking up Elena’s inability to drink blood from a bag to her supernatural connection with Damon, as opposed to her status as a vampire, is simply replacing one far-fetched mythology for another.  It doesn’t change things for me.  Many vampire tales, the TVD book series included, have posited the “blood bond,” as a reason for closeness between vampires and their mates.  And this supernatural anomaly hasn’t managed to foil the genuine closeness of the couple, in those situations.  And I hope the writers won’t cop out, and allow it to do so here.

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3 3 delena favvvvvvv

Aside from which, this so-called sire bond between Damon and Elena, is clearly very different from the one Klaus has with his hybrids, as Hayley explains, earlier in the episode.  Tyler and company yoked to Klaus, not because they wanted to get into his pants (though some of them might have), but because they “appreciated,” his freeing them from the pain of monthly transformation. And yet, they must not have “appreciated” him all that much, because if they did, they wouldn’t be so intent to break the sire bond, in the first place.

tyler points

“HAHA!  Gotcha writers . . .”

Elena “appreciates” Damon too.  But she does so because he’s been accepting of her new self, when no one else she cares about has.  She appreciates how he loves her, unconditionally, whether she’s human or vampire, pristine or monstrous.  And she also appreciates him because well . . . he’s hot and sexy.  Let’s be honest.

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So, if Stefan wants to make himself feel better about the breakup, by chalking it up to a once-in-a-lifetime siring, good for him.

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But I for one, hope that Elena and Damon see this through to the end, sire bond, or no sire bond.  And that, if such a bond does exist, that Elena finds a way to break it, so that she can prove to herself that her love for Damon is pure, just as Book Elena and Sookie Stackhouse have done before her . . .

But hey, enough about all this mythology crap, Delena fans.  Let’s just bask in the glory of the fact that our SHIP FINALLY HAD SEX.  HOORAY!  Next time on TVD .   . .

Until then  . . .

waves

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Suck and Blow – A Recap of Vampire Diaries’ “Memorial”

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Sure, Damon’s Hand may seem all sweet and caring, while your sucking on it.  But will it call you the next day?

Poor Elena!  We’ve all been there, haven’t we, Fangbangers?  You’re hanging out with friends, having a few drinks, enjoying life, when, all of the sudden . . .

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I don’t know about you guys,  but whenever I feel like puking, the first thing I do is find a mirror, so that I can watch myself do it . . .

Ahhh, yes. thee sure was a lot of binging and yakking, in this episode.  Fortunately, we got to wash it all down with a heaping helping of minty fresh vampire sex, and hand sucking.  So, while we may have ended the hour a bit weaker and paler-looking than we began, at least we left satisfied . . .

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Let’s review, shall we?

Bambi’s Mother is TOTALLY judging you . . .

Somewhere deep in the forests of Mystic Falls, a group of happy woodland creatures are laughing their asses off at Stefan and Elena . . .

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I mean, sure, I suspect when the big bad OLD Vampire, and the Temperamental Baby Vampire first started making tracks in the woods, the woodland creatures were suffering from some serious anxiety.

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But when Elena started weeping in the woods, after failing to complete her kill . . .

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And then the two started humping one another against a nearby tree . . .

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And then Elena, left mid-hump to yak up poor Bambi’s mother all over the soft lush grass . . .

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 . . . leaving Stefan with a massive case of THESE . . .

I’m thinking that those formerly terrified bunches of bunnies, birds, and assorted wildlife probably all rushed to tell their furry friends about their run-in with the LAMEST ANIMAL-ATARIAN VAMPIRES OF ALL TIME!

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Elena must be the owner of some seriously strong breath mints.  Because upon returning home from their hunt, she somehow managed to suck face with Stefan, without him having any clue that her stomach contents contained a few less Bambi parts, than they had twenty minutes ago.  Ignorance was bliss for Stefan, who bought a bottle of champagne, so that the two perpetual minors could toast to Elena’s first taste of SUPER raw venison.

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Elena didn’t want to alarm her beau about her new-found weak stomach, so she kept her mouth shut.  Well, except for the sucking face, that is . . .

Unfortunately for Elena, much like undigested deer parts, secrets have an uncanny way of “popping back up,” when you least expect.

“Hi!  I’m April, Jeremy’s destined to die in under four episodes quirky new love interest!”

Hey Fangbangers, I’m going to make a suggestion here.  I know she’s “adorable,” with her big doe eyes, and “quirky” fast talking tendencies.  And it doesn’t hurt that she kind of looks like a slightly younger version of Zooey Deschanel . . .

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 . . . but lets not get too attached to April Young, mmm-kay?  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I liked her!  (I know some fans didn’t.)  It’s just that every time she opened her mouth, I couldn’t stop seeing the words “Won’t Make it to Winter Hiatus” tattooed on her forehead.

Special delivery for APRIL!

But I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Let’s backtrack to April’s first appearance on the show, which came about sometime around the first ten minutes of the episode.  April has an “adorable” run-in with Matt and Jeremy, because she has “adorably” came back to Mystic Falls High, after her father “adorably,” blew himself up, along with eleven of the communities’ most revered members.

“The roof . . . the roof . . . the roof is on fire.  No, seriously.  . . it’s on fire.”

HUH?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the time your dad is outed as a wackadoo cult leader, who is responsible for the death of dozens, the exact time you should be transferring out of your public school, and . . . oh . . . I don’t know . . . hiding under a really big rock?  It’s a good thing April’s adorable.  Otherwise she’d be bait from serious TORTURE.   You know, like some crazy hunter might chop into her, and let the scent of her blood tempt all the monsters in attendance at her dad’s funeral . . .

Because even 170+ year-old vampires can have imaginary friends . . .

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Poor Damon!  It must suck to be repeatedly wrongfully accused of brainwashing a sizeable portion of the town to char-grill themselves into oblivion.

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Though, I must say, you’re not exactly helping your case for “sanity” by saving a seat at the bar for a Man Who Isn’t There . . . or is he?

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By the way, did anybody else get childish glee out of the fact that Elena, in taking the “reserved” seat, basically sat on Imaginary Alaric’s lap?  I bet old school Elenaric Shippers had a field day with that one . . .

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Speaking of shippers having field days . . .

In which Damon lends a very horny helping hand . . .

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Delena fans definitely got their delicious just desserts when a certain newbie vampire confided in the elder Salvatore Brother about her “little digestion problem.”  To me, at least, it makes perfect sense that Elena would turn to Damon over Stefan when she found herself to be a bit lacking in the vampire prowess department.  For one thing, Stefan feels guilty enough having been the cause of Elena’s eternity of vampiredom in the first place, Elena probably didn’t want to make him feel worse, by showing him how sick it was making her.

Secondly, I’ve always gotten the impression that Stefan puts Elena up on a bit of a pedestal, viewing her as almost godlike in her innocence.  That’s got to be a lot of pressure for the doppelganger.  And I think a part of her feels like Stefan would be disappointed in her, if he knew she couldn’t abstain entirely from drinking human blood.

Case in point, recall how much more accepting Stefan was of Caroline’s early baby vampire foibles than he was of Elena’s.  I think that was because Stefan knew Caroline to be a flawed being, in a way he never expected of Elena.

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Now, Damon, on the other hand, is probably the least judgmental guy on this show, probably because he’s such an unapologetic screw-up, in so many ways.  And yet, that’s a big part of his charm . . .

So, of course, Elena’s going to come to Damon when she’s sick, hungry, and horny at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, and in desperate need of some HAND SUCK SEX .  . .

This was the moment us Delena fans have all been waiting for, since last week’s promos.

And it really was everything I wanted it to be and more.  I loved how Damon noted that, for vampires, the exchange of blood was more personal than sex.  I loved how minutes after the hand sucking began, Damon became so overcome with intense pleasure, he needed to hold on to the wall.

I loved how Damon gently caressed Elena’s hair, during the blood drinking, in a way that was oddly gentle and affectionate, given how raw and intense the exchange seemed to be.

And, perhaps most of all,  loved the way Damon’s eyes rolled back in his head, when the blood drinking reached it’s exciting “climax.”

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Stefan was right to be jealous of this moment, shared between two supposed non-lovers.  It was pretty hard core . . .

Speaking of naughty hands . . .

Coitus interuptus . . .  via handshake?

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You’ve really got to hand it to the editors of this episode.  The way they transitioned from Damon’s and Elena’s metaphoric vampire sex to Tyler’s and Caroline’s actual sex was pretty genius.  Also genius?  The fact that Tyler and Caroline’s sex was literally interrupted by a guy who wanted to shake Tyler’s hand.  (I wonder if he washed it first . . .)

Meet Connor, the Vampire Hunter, and his magically coated fingerless vervain gloves.

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If you’d like to get an idea of how Tyler felt when this hot bald dude shook his hand, imagine those cheesy joy buzzers you get at Halloween shops, and multiply how they feel on your fingertips by about ten thousand . . .

But that’s not all.  Connor wasted no time, before immediately shooting Tyler up with special bullets explicitly designed to kill “regular” vampires on contact.  Ah!  But Tyler is not a regular vampire.  He’s a hybrid.  So, instead of, oh, you know dying, Tyler, quite literally, takes a flying leap out the window and runs away, while Mom looks on, aghast, and a nearly naked Caroline dashes off in hot pursuit . . .

Later at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Jeremy remarks about Connor’s massive arm tattoos, which, oddly enough, Matt can’t see at all . . .

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At first, I thought this was just another one of those “Jeremy sees dead people,” things, except . . . well . . . Connor is very much alive.  Now, I’m thinking that the ink was a secret way that ancient vampire-hunting families, like the Gilbert’s, recognized one another, without blowing their cover to the rest of the world.

Just a thought .  . .

Damon Salvatore . . . Germaphobe?

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Later, at the funeral for Pastor Young and all those other dead wackadoodles . . . well . .  . “memorial” . . . no coffins to bury, because all of the bodies were . . . um . . . cremated . . . perpetual-do-gooder Elena is comforting “adorable” April, when she feels herself starting to blow chunks again.  Girlfriend dashes into the bathroom, where she makes a huge mess, and ruins her clothes just as . . . dun, dun, DUNNNNNN . . . Connor knocks on her bathroom door to see what’s wrong . . .

This sounds like a job for . . . wait for it . . . Damon Salvatore, who Elena calls a second time, for help, while her “boyfriend” is over at Bonnie’s investigating the “special bullets” that shot Tyler.

Just like the BAD ASS MO FO that he is, Damon immediately recognizes Connor intentions and not only refuses to shake his hand, but also manages to get Elena a clean dress and steer her clear of the Big Bad Vampire Killer’s clutches, despite her clearly fragile vampire-in-starvation-mode state . . .

Outside the church, Damon, noting that Elena has now rejected both animal blood and vampire blood, offers her a bag of human blood, which she promptly yaks up as well.  (SO MUCH VOMIT, IN THIS EPISODE!)

I loved the sweetly sexy and emotionally-emotionally charged exchange Damon and Elena shared by the tree, during which Damon looked at Elena with such loving concern, and yet confidently reassured her she wasn’t dying . . . again . . .

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Damon suspected that perhaps Elena’s doppelganger blood was rejecting the transition, and, therefore, Elena could only extract blood from the human vein . . .  Hmmm . . . interesting . . . I’m thinking this is an idea you might want to run by that other doppelganger . . . considering how,  if this is true, she would have experienced the exact same thing . . .

Just a thought . . .

As Elena scampers into the funeral . . . well . . . more like stumbles . . . (This is the second episode in a row, where she’s rocking the deathly pale “looks like sh*t” look . . .  Kudos to the makeup artist for that one) . . . Stefan happens by, just as Damon is pocketing the un-drunk blood bag . . .

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Stefan, of course, is super pissed at his brother for bringing Angel Elena down the PATH OF EVIL . . . So, Damon, in responds “kindly” clues his little brother in, on the fact that, not only is Elena rejecting every source of blood imaginable, he and Elena have also been intimate . . . in the vampire sense.

RUH-ROH!  I smell a Salvatore Smackdown coming on . . .

Worst . . . Funeral . . . EVER!!!

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The first thing Vampire Hunter Connor does, upon entering Pastor Young and Co’s funeral is stab Adorable!April in the tummy repeatedly.  Ummm . ..  Connor . . . I hate to break this to you, but April is NOT A VAMPIRE!  Ahhh . . . but wait . . . Vampire Hunter Connor has more important uses for Adorable!April, i.e. vampire catnip . . .  As her scent wafts through the church floor, all the vampires in attendance are suddenly on edge, none more so, than Elena, who, after trying to speak on Pastor Young’s behalf, loses it, and is carried off the stage by Stefan, as a highly suspicious Connor, watches on from above . . .

In a scene I was actually hoping would happen last week, Matt — whose life had been so easily exchanged for Elena’s by Stefan, in the season finale — offers his own vein up to Elena for a secret funeral drink, which is cleverly disguised as a mournful cuddle.

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And though that solves the immediate problem of Elena’s re-death, it doesn’t get rid of Vampire Hunter Connor, or Adorable!April’s tantalizing bloody smell.  And so, in a surprise move, Tyler, who has already been a target for Connor approaches the stage to say a few words about “taking one for the team” . . .

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 . . . and then, he, quite literally . . . takes one for the team . . . as Connor shoots him again . . . enabling all the other vampires in the room, an easy avenue for escape, as the entire church clears out . . .

This leads Damon to finally have a tussle with Vampire Hunter Connor . . .

It doesn’t go so well . . .

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And Stefan certainly doesn’t help matters by PUNCHING HIS BROTHER IN THE FACE . . .

WAIT!  WHAT?

Oh, yeah . . . that whole Delena SEX blood-sharing thing . . . I almost forgot . . . let’s relive it again, shall we?

Mind Control 101: It works better, if you don’t eat your subject’s brain, before you try to “wash” it.

Caroline’s and Elena’s daring campaign to save Adorable!April runs into a bit of a snag, when Hungry Elena tries to  . . . um . . . eat her . . .

Caroline calmly informs Elena that eating fellow orphans is big NO-NO.

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She instead encourages Elena to try out her new-found compulsion powers on the girl.  Elena somehow musters up the inner strength to do this, without eating April, but her compulsion message leaves a bit to be desired . . .

“It was a beautiful funeral,” Elena says.  “People said really nice things.”

Riiiight . . . because no one in town is ever going to let slip in front of April that her dad’s memorial was broken up by an INSANE GUNMAN!

Poor Adorable!April.  Now, everyone is going to think that, not only is her dad a wackjob, but she’s a moron . . .

Just like the In Memoriam part of the Oscars . . . only with Japanese Lanterns

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After laying into Elena a bit about the whole lying / Damon blood sharing thing, Stefan decides to gather the gang for a poignant . . . “look at all our dead cast members” memoriam using Japanese Lanterns to represent the dead.  It was a beautiful ceremony.  But, of course, just like with the Oscars, some poor dead shlub is always getting left out of the festivities . . .

I’m looking at you Uncle / Father John . . . I was thinking the guy who literally gave up his life for Elena merited at least a mention.  But NOOOOO . . .

Refusing to take part in the festivities is Damon, who, contrary to popular belief, is not actually Japanese . . .

Because even in Heaven, Alaric Saltzman still drinks bourbon straight from the bottle . . .

In what was definitely the fan-favorite moment of the episode, we see Damon sharing a heart-to-heart with Alaric Saltzman’s gravestone, while, unbeknownst to him, Ghost!Alaric listens on with a mixture of comradery and wistful sympathy.

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The scene is really just too beautiful not to post in it’s entirety . . .

And so Damon and Alaric got to share one last bottle of bourbon together from beyond the grave.

And I’m still tearing over it 24 hours later . . .

By the way Alaric’s “birthdate,” at least, according to his tombstone, was February 4, 1976, which is two years older than the actor who played Alaric, and probably about 5 or 6 years older than the character was supposed to be on the show.  It just goes to show you that it’s not only the vampires that are ageless in Mystic Falls . . .

Next week on The Vampire Diaries, more torture of Punching Bag Matt . . . more Damon the Cannibal references . . . oh, and Klaus returns . . .

Oh, and I’m sorry Rebekah.  It looks like Matt Donovan is “just not that into you.”  Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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There will be blood . . . and DOLLS – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Crazy”

Hello, my Pretties! Things have really been heating up lately in Rosewood, where the Ouija Boards are bloody, the mom’s are “slutty,” the dolls know everyone’s secrets, and no one seems to stay dead for very long . . .

So, break into your local loony bin, screw on your trusty decoder ring, and speak loud enough for the ugly dolls with the screw top heads to hear you, because it’s time for another Really Exciting Caper About Pastries . . . otherwise known as a “recap.”  (See what I did there?)

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Deputy Douchey – Bloodhound

Remember the good ole days of PLL .  . . back when Mama Marin was just a lonely lady in need of love, and Deputy Douchey was sniffing around the house for a side of sex with his Murder Investigation?

Well, apparently, not much has changed since then.  Mama Marin is still taking innumerable “business trips” and skirting around with “silver foxes,” who love dairy products. Meanwhile, Deputy Douchey continues to skulk around the Marin front porch, hunting for “clues.”  This time around Vampire Douchey wants Hanna’s blood . . . literally. 

“Invite me in, so I can drink from your pretty neck . . . er . . . I mean have sex with your mom, and take a shower in your bathroom . . . er, I mean continue to botch  a three-seasons old murder investigation beyond repair .  . . er, I mean . . .  just let me in, blondie!”

Apparently, the Corpse Bracelet that freed Police Boy Garrett for a life of soap-on-a-rope, communal toilets, and avoiding men named Bubba, contained SOMEONE’S O-type blood . . . And we all know who has O negative type blood?  Approximately seven percent of the world’s population?  Hanna Marin.  So, she must be Ali’s killer, right?

Yeah, I didn’t think so either.  But then again, I never attended the Rosewood Academy for Lame Ass Cops Who Always Bark Up the Wrong Tree.  I do have a theory about who’s blood is on that bracelet though.  I could tell you about it, but I’d rather show you, first ..  .

A few weeks back, many of us wondered why Mona randomly decided to steal  Hanna’s tweezers, and use them to prick her own finger.

That’s true, Spencer.  But after the folks over at ABC Family decided to rehash that ick-worthy scene in their “previously on” recap, this week, I’m thinking Mona’s penchant for self-mutilation, might be a bit more purposeful.    In fact, I’m willing to bet . . . um . . . no amount of money at all my honor as a recapper that Miss Mona also has the sort-of-rare O-negative blood type.

These two did used to share everything, after all!

Now, of course, most of us know, by now, that Mona didn’t actually kill Ali.  But still it’s a little strange that a known psychopath like that wasn’t the first on Deputy Douchey’s suspect list, once Police Boy Garrett was unshackled.  I guess it’s just more fun for Deputy Douchey to hang out around the Marin house than inside the Nut House, where the girls aren’t as pretty, and the bathroom towels aren’t as soft . . .

Anyway, Hanna is understandably freaked out by the whole Bloody Bracelet thing.  After all, it wouldn’t be the first time the A Team has tampered with evidence to make one of the PLL’s look guilty of murder.  In fact, Hanna is SO upset about the possibility of a Prison Prom, that she does the unthinkable . . . and goes to CLASS EARLY . . .

Oh, the horror!

If it looks like an Ali, and talks like an Ali, it must be . .  . a Cece?

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While Hanna is sitting in homeroom, undoubtedly contemplating how to convert an orange prison jumpsuit, into a stylish summer party dress, the rest of the PLL’s are getting some morning java over at what has suddenly become The Only Coffee Shop in Rosewood.  (What, no Starbucks?) Upon arriving the girls hear a very familiar voice spout off a very familiar quote . . .

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When the threesome confront this very Ali-like species, she claims to be all BFF with the dead chick, having spent an “intense” summer with her, back in Cape May. During that summer, Cece dated Ali’s brother (Facelift Vampire Jason) and, apparently, did little else but talk to Ali about the PLL girls, considering the seemingly encyclopedic- knowledge she has about the foursome . . .

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Seriously, girlfriend knows everything from Hanna’s issues with shoplifting, to Emily’s sexual orientation, to how Emily likes her coffee.  Heck, I bet she even knows Hanna’s blood type.  Everyone knows Hanna’s bloodtype.  It must be published in the Rosewood Blood Type Gazette. It’s almost as if Cece is actually an older Ali from an alternate universe, in which Ali didn’t die, who has traveled back in time to prevent her own death in this timeline, only she ended up getting here about a year too late . . .

Yeah, yeah . . . I know!  It’s totally not that type of show.  But you have to admit, it would be pretty cool, if it was . . .

Many fans of the show immediately assumed that the mysterious Cece is part of the A-team, some fans even going as far as to pinpoint her as the Blonde Wearing the Weird Sunshine Mask in last season’s finale . . .

I don’t know.  Right now, I’m leaning more toward Cece being Ali’s muse, someone she admired, and eventually became, at least in terms of her personality and mannerisms.   The way I see it, “Cece Drake” was just another alter ego Ali embodied, while in Rosewood, just like Vivian Darkbloom was her alter ego outside of Rosewood . . .

You see, despite the foursome considering Ali their “friend,” I don’t think they ever REALLY knew her at all  (They don’t even know she has a crazy psycho twin sister.).  Ali only let them see what she wanted them to see . . .a pretty, popular, manipulative girl, who always had an answer for anything.  When deep down, I’m guessing she was someone much more troubled, complex, and “intense.”

Speaking of intense . . .

Cece Drake – Murderess of Unicorns, Torturer of The Blind . . .

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You may not have killed it Cece, but you sure did get it drunk, and steal its virginity . . .

Over at the dress shop where Cece works, Maya’s stalker / murderer “cousin” Nate has commandeered the lethally naive Emily to help her get a “nice” first-date gift for Not-Blind-Anymore Jenna.  Who the heck buys first date gifts, anyway . . . especially in high school?  Where I come from, if your new high school boyfriend lets you share a few of his Dollar Menu McDonald’s fries, before feeling you up in the backseat of his parent’s car, he’s considered a “good guy.”

Truth be told, if an 18-year old buys you a scarf for your first date, like the one Nate ended up buying Jenna, there’s a pretty good chance he’s either (a) gay as a rainbow float in a pride parade; or (b) planning to use it to strangle you, and string you up on the ceiling, after he’s chopped off all your limbs, and glued them together to make a coat rack . . .

Don’t even get me started on how Nate “magically” remembered the earrings Emily bought Maya mere days before her death, because he used them them to cut out her eyeballs “saw them in a photograph.”  Seriously?  This guy is like American Psycho for Dummies.

Unfortunately, Emily is not exactly the sharpest tool in the Pretty Little Liars tool chest, and realizes precisely none of this.

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(Understandable . . . but you should be well acquainted, by now, with what “psycho” feels like.)

Emily does, however, notice Cece totally giving her some serious f*&k me eyes, as the latter pulls her aside, and asks her why she hates the idea of Nate dating Jenna so much, when she and he clearly don’t bat for the same teams . . .

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We all know Emily was seriously crushing on Ali, back in the day.  So, it’s absolutely no surprise that she’d be more than a bit intrigued by the 1.o version. Anywhoo, Cece suggests that Emily be honest with Nate about what an evil wench Not Blind Jenna is.  Emily actually takes that advice.  But it totally backfires, when Nate finds the fact that Not Blind Jenna recently dated a suspected serial killer to be “charming” and “endearing,” as opposed to “suspicious” and “creepy.”  He would, wouldn’t he?

When Emily reveals this “bad news” to Cece, during one of their late night tete-a-tetes (Hopefully, the first of many.  Girlfriend is TOTALLY hilarious, in a Regina George from Mean Girls kind of way.) . . .

 . . . Cece takes matters into her own hands by calling the recently-blind girl on the phone and threatening to scratch her eyes out, if she doesn’t stay away from the “sweet, mild-mannered” Nate . . .

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If that line was delivered to any other blind girl, that would be totally offensive.  But because it was Jenna I actually think it was kind of awesome.  Plus, it was SUCH an Ali Thing to do.  Emily seems to be a mixture of impressed by Cece’s moxie, and frightened by her seeming complete lack of morals  / empathy, and tells her as much.  But then Cece gives her a flirty nickname, and all is right between them again . . .

Sorry Paige.  I think you’ve just been replaced . . . again.

History repeating?

Now that that’s done, let’s get that “Adult Storyline” out of the way, shall we?

Mama Montgomery is dating the guy from American Pie . . . and HE GAVE HER PASTRIES!

This week, after debating on whether to accept dating and fashion advice from her daughter, who never leaves home without a deadly weapon in her earlobe . . .

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(No wonder they made her take her earrings off in the insane asylum!)

 .  . . Mama Montgomery heads out for a “hot date” with the same dull pastor dude, who Mama Marin was flirting with last week.

Eating ice cream in the park?  That’s not a hot date.  That’s a five-year old’s birthday party . . .

Fortunately, that ends early.  So, she winds making a late night of it, with that dude who played little Stifler, in the straight-to-video versions of American Pie . . .

You go, ELLA!  Except . . . well . . . I wouldn’t eat those pastries, if I were you.  (You don’t know where they’ve been .  . .)

In other news . . .

Spencer Hastings – Honors Student, Loyal Friend, Evil Genius?

I’m sure I’m not the only one, who finds it weird, that Spencer seems to have more fun cyberstalking Cece Drake, and creating a creepy database on Dead Ali than humping Abs Toby, like a “normal” teenage girl would . . .

Then again, I guess she’s kind of preoccupied with rescuing her super hot half-brother from drunken hit-and-runs, and lying about it to the cops . . .

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I hate to say this, but these two have awesome chemistry, and not necessarily in a “healthy sibling” way, either.

Better amp up your game, Tobster, or you’re going to lose this one . . .

Now, that’s more like it!

Last but certainly not least . . .

It’s those damn dolls again . . .

Off with her head!

Poor Hanna.  It seems like Deputy Douchey, isn’t the PRICK she has to deal with this week . . .

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Apparently, someone needs to do a better job sanding their Ouiji Board.  (Ouch!)  Also, the Marin’s should seriously invest in a home security system.  I mean this place has more unwanted guests than a subway station in a bad neighborhood, after 2 a.m.

So, yeah, this happened.  And not only does it mean that the A Team is LITERALLY out for Hanna’s blood, it also means they (1) can STILL break into Hanna’s house (which they seem to do, at least once a week anyway); (2) know that Hanna put the Ouiji board marker thinky in Ali’s coffin, after she and Mona had a “sighting” of the blonde teen, shortly after playing the popular occult game.

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A very freaked out Hanna decides to sneak into the nut house to visit Mona, and ask her about the whole Ouiji board thing.  The only problem is that Hanna is now Persona Non Grata at the place, after THIS happened . . .

That’s where Aria comes in . . .

Now, Aria and Mona have never exactly been close.  So, you can understand why the initial meeting between them is a bit . . . tense . . .

But psycho or not, on some level Mona DOES seem to have some fondness for Hanna (even if it’s fondness of the “If I can’t have her, no one can” vein).   And when Hanna sneaks into the hospital later, Mona is decidedly more cooperative. First, she reminds Hanna of a little code the two of them made up together, on that fateful day, when Ali’s dad freaked out on poor Hanna for giving the Dilaurentis’ false hope about their daughter being alive .  . .

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I imagine, when former Mean Girl Hanna first heard about this code, she assumed it would be a fun way to bully those less popular than herself.  But, as it turns out, Mona has bigger plans for her Slut Code.  We find this out when she rushes off to a freaky children’s ward in the sanitarium . . . I imagine this is where they put all the creepy kids from horror movies, like that chick from The Ring . . . and that kid from The Sixth Sense . . . and the Children of the Corn (once they get out of “the corn” that is) . . .

Anywhoo, Janel Parrish, who plays Mona is positively brilliant in this impressively complex scene, in which she embodies the dual role of a psychotic murmuring nonsensical nursery rhymes, while compulsively brushing a dolls hair, and a genius mastermind, who is seemingly performing A’s bidding, while, at the same time, secretly cluing in an old friend to some Very Important Information . . .

Upon arriving home from the Nut House, Hanna and the rest of the girls put together the code Maya provided for them.  As it turns out, Mona’s “Where were we . . .” statement, apparently provides the address for a website with Maya’s photograph on it.  http://www.masssugar.com.  And though the girls still hadn’t cracked it’s password, by the end of the episode, many fans have suggested that Mona’s final statement prior to leaving the children’s ward: “Please wait, I miss my dolls,” states the answer to that riddle plainly:

PW: IMMD

As for the ward being “not safe” . . . well, we now know, based on the last scene of the episode,that the dolls in the children’s ward were bugged with recorders. And Mona likely led Aria and Hanna there, under the Malevolent A Team’s instructions to catch them making incriminating statements that could be used to pin Ali’s murder on them.

But what about “Maya Knew?”  What exactly did she know, and could that information possibly have gotten her killed?

I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to find out . . .

Until then, My Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Get OUT of my HEAD! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Break on Through”

[Note:  The recap for “Murder of One is on it’s way!  Be sure to check back for it, within the next 24 hours.  It should be available no later than early Saturday morning, March 31.  Thanks for your patience!]

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Hey there, Fangbangers!  This week on TVD, Alaric hopped aboard the Crazy Train.  Both Damon and Rebekah learned the hard way why you should never let a 900-year old vampire touch your . . . head . . . in bed.  Bonnie rejoined the I Have Sh*tty Parents Club, membership: every single character on this show.  Stefan moved one step closer to becoming a “Social Drinker.”  And Elena . . . did a lot of pouting?  So, choke down a nice tall glass of “B Positive,” because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

“We are predators, not puppies.”

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Don’t you just hate it, when you are getting an MRI, and the mirror image above your head starts TOTALLY eye-f*cking you . . . but you can’t look away, because the technician running the machine told you not to move?  Alaric can relate . . .

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“Hey sexy, what’s shaking?  Whaddya say, after this we go hit up the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, have a few drinks together and make some bad decisions.”

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“Well, that depends .  . . are YOU buying?”

While Alaric is busy being hit on by his Psycho Killer alter ego, Elena wonders out loud how Crazy Nanny Carrie / Meredith figured out that Alaric’s predilection for Man Jewelry was turning him evil.  (“Is there like a course for that in med school?”)  Meredith claims she learned this information from an old childhood story, regarding her ancestors.  “Fells are notorious busy bodies,” she jokes lamely . . . which, if you think about it, is exactly what got Vampire Journalist Logan Fell killed . . . and is probably what will ultimately kill Meredith/ Crazy Nanny Carrie.  (You know the famous saying, “Curiosity killed the Fell!”)

The CAT scan comes out normal, thereby proving that Alaric’s “Bad Seed” problem is a purely supernatural one.  It’s time to ditch the Man Jewelry, I guess!  Alaric gives the odious ring to Elena.  (Somewhere off screen, that Smeagol guy from Lord of the Rings, looks on with lust.)

“Don’t worry, Alaric!  Smeagol will take that Man Jewelry off your hands . . .”

Then, Damon magically appears to collect Alaric, and continue his three-season long foreplay with Elena.  Remember last week, when Elena caught the Salvatores chowing down at the “All Blonde Chick Buffet?”  Well, apparently, so does Elena.  And she uses it as the perfect opportunity to get under Damon’s skin . . .

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 . . . nevermind the fact that her guardian and her brother are still on a One-Way trip to Wacky Serial Killer Town.

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Apparently, Elena doesn’t think Damon is the best “Role Model,” when it comes to healthy neck eating habits.  All these different women!  Poor Steffie will get indigestion!  Instead, Elena suggests the “All Elena’s Arm” starvation diet . . . you know, because that worked SO WELL, last time . . .

Damon decides to lay down the law with Elena . . .

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“Hey!  What’s wrong with puppies aside from the fact that Stefan used to eat them?”

Deep down, both Damon and Elena know that, when it comes to Stefan, neither total abstinence, nor little nips of Doppelganger flesh, are long-term solutions to Stefan’s century long problem.  He needs yummy bags of Soccer Mom . . . and the occasional cute college co-ed!  He needs to go back to his vampire roots.  And most importantly, Stefan needs to learn a little self-control . . . which might have the unintended consequence of making him better in bed .  . . not as good as Damon, of course.  But better . . .

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Oh, I don’t know Elena . . . Damon has spent three seasons, doing this . . .

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  . . . and this . . .

 . . . and this . . .

 .  . . without jumping YOUR bones . . .

I think it’s safe to say he knows a thing or two about “self control.”

Speaking of self-control . . .

“B Positive!”

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Over at the Bennett Farm, Caroline is taking on the role of Nu-Stefan, in an attempt to make Abby a slightly less crappy vampire than she is a mother to Bonnie.  Truth be told, there probably isn’t enough “B positive” in the world, to make Mama Bennett smile . . . especially now that she can’t flirt with and fondle the local plant life, anymore . .  .

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“Oh, Pink Flower, your stamen is SOOOO big, it TOTALLY turns me on!”

(This reminds me .  . . I forgot to water my cactus, this year.)

Meanwhile, over at the Wickory Bridge, Damon gets to reunite with not one, but TWO of his 900 +-year old sex partners.

 (I guess he has a thing for older women . . . and, of course, much, much younger ones . . .)

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Hot for Teacher . . .

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 I guess Mystic Falls has finally decided to fix that ole’ bridge everybody is always falling off, and drowning.  (Good for them!)  Damon offers to take Alaric and his new girlfriend, Dr. Secret Psycho, there for some fresh air.  You know, because there’s nothing like spending time on a Man-Made Death Trap to make a Supernaturally-Made Death Trap feel less alone in the world.

“I feel so personally connected to this bridge.  I bet it’s killed a lot of Founder’s Council Members over the years too.  Good work, brother!” 

Mama Lockwood, who has no idea she’s talking to a serial killer of FOUNDER’S COUNCIL members takes this opportunity to bug Alaric about his forgetting to bring by some old sign, in honor of the re-opening of the bridge.  (Believe it or not, this detail will actually be important later.)

“I’m sorry, Mama Lockwood, I’ve been kind of busy carving all your friends up like the big fat Thanksgiving turkeys they are it just slipped my mind.” replies Alaric politely.

Shortly thereafter, Alaric and Crazy Nanny Carrie exit stage left, allowing Damon some alone time with His Women.

“Ladies, ladies.  There is no need to fight.  My manhood is big enough for both of you . . . and Elena.” 

After doing a little flirtatious sleuthing, Damon quickly surmises the reason for both of his lady friends’ sudden reappearances on the bridge.  Rebekah has been looking into some random tree, though Damon is not quite sure why.  As for Sage, she’s apparently been pining for that Death Wish-Having, Mama’s Boy Finn for the 900-years, since he turned her, and was hoping he’d stop by.  (Well, at least now we know why she and Damon get along so well!  And here, I thought it was just about the amazing sex.)

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Always eager to spread bad news, Rebekah bounds over to tell Sage that Finn has left town, and that his heart only belongs to one woman, his wackjob mother . . .

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Primed for a little lady fighting, Sage offers to help Damon figure out what exactly it is that Rebekah is hiding from him.  All he has to do is turn on the charm, a little bit, and get her to pop by La Casa de Rich and Awesome for some Sexy Times.  Sage knows full well, that no woman in her right mind would ever refuse an invitation to Damon’s Bed of Champions . . .

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 . . . least of all the vulnerable, and perpetually sex-starved, Rebekah . . . who, like everyone on this show (except for maybe Psycho Alaric) really just wants to be LOVED, right?

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As Sage had predicted, Rebekah doesn’t need much convincing.  And soon enough, our fabulous vampire threesome have made plans for an X-rated Date with Destiny . . .

Meanwhile, back in Broody Town . . .

Well, THAT’S a pretty creative use of a knitting needle . . .

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Elena has conveniently invited herself into La Casa de Rich and Awesome because she heard about Damon and the threesome.  Supposedly, she’s come to check out a book from Salvatore Library on her batsh*t crazy ancestor, Samantha.  She finds Stefan in the living room, drinking blood of course.  (This guy is clearly an emotional binge eater . . . How does he never get bloated?  I mean, I know he’s dead and all, but you have to wonder sometimes, where it all goes.)

Damn you, and your super fast vampire metabolism.  DAMN YOU!

Knowing how much his girlfriend hates to read (I mean, let’s face it, girlfriend hasn’t set foot in a classroom in about six months.), Stefan chivalrously offers to give Elena the Cliff Notes version of that Big Bad Book she’s cradling in her arms.  Long story, short: her ancestor chopped her head open with a knitting needle, and bled to death in the loony bin.  (OK, who the heck gave the INSANE SERIAL KILLER a knitting needle?  Someone needs to put a dollar in the Moron Jar, stat.)

Ever the Bastion of Positivity, Stefan concludes his story, by giving it a “feel good” moral: “P.S. Alaric’s probably going to end up attempting to crochet an afghan with his brain too.  And there’s basically nothing you can do about it.  Thanks for playing!  Better luck next time.”

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Yeah, she didn’t really hit him.  I am just saying that, if she did, he totally would have deserved it . . .

“Two is company, three is a party.”

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(In my next life, I would like to be The Guy Who Covers Ian Somerhalder’s Weiner with Bits of Fabric to Appease the Censors.  That guy always seems to be one sneeze away from a Wardrobe Malfunction.)

When Damon arrives home from his Double Date at Death Bridge, Stefan is FUMING MAD . . .

*insert snarling and growling noises here*

“How dare you tell Elena I’m a vampire who drinks human blood  . . . oh wait . . . she already knew that . . . I mean, how dare you . . . um . . . talk to Elena without my permission.  YEAH!  That’s it!  Not cool, brother,” gripes Stefan.

Under normal circumstances, Damon would LOVE to continue another round of the Saga of Stefan and Elena, but he has brains to manipulate, and ladies to screw.  And he’s not about to let his little brother cockblock his CWTV-approved Porn Star Moment.

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So, instead, Damon simply offers Stefan a few, Vampire Pride Maxims, for inspiration (“We’re here.  We’re bloodsuckers.  Get used to it!”), and heads off to the bathroom to shower himself in Axe Body Spray . . .

Sage arrives at the party first.  Her housewarming gift is a piano player, who bares a suspicious resemblance to Finn.  (I guess Sage has a “type.”)

“Mommy and I used to play the piano together all the time.  But she always insisted on sitting on my lap, when we did it.  I never understood why . . .”

There’s a rule on this show, that states that all piano players must get mauled by vampires.  And this one is no exception.  Sage wastes no time at all chomping on her Finn Doppelganger, while Damon looks on, eager for the REAL party to get started.  And then, it does . .  .

Like Sage, Rebekah also has not come to the party empty-handed.  She brings over her personal catnip . . . booze, stolen from some Queen . . . somewhere.

Have I mentioned yet today, how much I love the rampant alcoholism on this show?

OK, enough of this lame piano music.  Let’s crank up The Kills on that iPod and DANCE!  (Because we all know how much Damon loves to dance!)

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Ahhhh . . . memories!

Never one to want anyone to feel left out of the party, Damon struts over to Rebekah, and her two left feet, who is busy nursing her bottle of booze and looking forlorn.  The pair share a little piano player snack, and then it’s time for Damon to REALLY turn on the Salvatore charm . . .

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Normally, I would take this opportunity to chastise Boozy Rebekah for being so easily manipulated by Damon’s transparent and superficial attempts at seduction.  But when Damon whispered, “I want you,” in Rebekah’s ear, I looked down at the floor, and found my panties around my ankles . . . and HE WASN’T EVEN TALKING TO ME!

The man is a genius . . .

So, of course they have to cut out the BEST scene, and skip to the post-coital bedroom cuddle . . .

Fortunately, the magic of gif-making allows us to improvise what likely happened between these two, while the cameras were otherwise occupied . . .

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Then, Sage crawls into bed with Damon and the sleeping Beks, and I’m thinking, “It’s PARTY TIME!”

But then, Sage just fondles Rebekah’s forehead for about two seconds, and walks away . . .

OK, here is where I call “B.S.”  Since when do vampires have Forehead Fondling Mind-Reading powers?  Oh, that’s right . . . they don’t.  Otherwise, Klaus wouldn’t have spent the entire summer ignorant to the fact that Elena wasn’t dead, and Stefan wasn’t really his best friend / minion / willing sex slave . . .

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Nope . . . forehead fondling as a form of communication sounds a lot more like something a WITCH would do.  In fact, it looked a heck of a lot like what Bonnie was doing with that plant, toward the beginning of the episode.  (It’s also very similar to what she did to Luka, back in Season 2).  And yet, we’ve just been told that witches lose their powers, immediately upon being turned into vampires.  So, even if Sage WAS a witch in her former life, there’s a good chance she would have lost her ability to forehead fondle, the minute she sucked on Finn’s bloody teets.

For now, I’m willing to give the writers the benefit of the doubt.  But if Sage has some magical powers that even the oldest, most powerful vampires in the world don’t possess, I’m hoping to get some sort of explanation as to why that is the case.  Just saying . . .

Ooooh, but wait!  We aren’t done with sexy times yet.  It’s time for the post-sex shower.  And we all know how much Damon loves getting all wet and soapy . . .

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This time though, it appears our shower is built for TWO.  (All that forehead fondling, must have gotten Sage’s fingers sweaty.)

P.S. Sage apparently has other magical powers, in addition to random dancing, piano player eating, tag team showering, and mind reading.  Now, she’s fondling Damon’s forehead, and GIVING him Rebekah’s memories.  OK, now I’m starting to get scared.  If her head starts spinning around, and green stuff comes spewing out of her mouth, I’m calling the exorcist . . .

Damon, of course, seems completely unperturbed by this odd turn of events.  In fact, he’s kind of thrilled . . .  After all, now he knows there’s still a tree out there that could Klaus et al.

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Damon doesn’t even bother getting dressed, before he makes another trip to the trusty Salvatore library.  (Wearing clothes is SOOO 19th century.)  Please let the towel fall down . . . please let the towel fall down . . . 

Sure enough, he figures out what many of us TVD fans have long suspected . . . . the Wickory Bridge is made almost entirely of White Oak.  In other words, Death Trap Bridge doesn’t just kill Founder’s Council Members like Alaric, it also kills ORIGINALS!  Time to burn the evidence!

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 Sage reappears, during all this, and makes Damon promise not to use the knowledge she gave him to kill her long lost lame lover, Finn.  Damon agrees, crossing his fingers behind his back . . . since he knows, thanks to the spell binding all the Originals together . . . once he stakes Klaus . . .

“Mmm . . . Surrogate Son tastes yummy!”

Something tells me New Guy Jamie is going to fit right in on the cast of The Vampire Diaries  . . . at least, until they inevitably whack him, probably about three or four episodes from now

Coincidentally, I also think she will fit in as Bonnie’s new love incest. It’s not incest.  They promise us it’s not incest, even though they sort-of/kind of have the same crappy mom.  After all, we all know how much Bonnie adores those former child stars, who went on to develop biceps . . .

(New Guy Jamie is the Non-Puppet one, just in case you were confused . . .)

The last time we saw Jamie, he was busy being compelled, and trying to bust a cap in Stefan’s ass . . . now he’s chopping wood (because that’s not at all a metaphor for anything sexual, now, is it?)  Caroline stalks outside to yell at Jamie for not being nicer to his new vampire mother.  She forces him to come inside and be civil.  Let the eye f*&king with Bonnie ensue.  Then, Mama Bennett proceeds to EAT HIS NECK.  Yeah, that’s what you get for listening to Caroline, Jamie.  Eventually, you’ll learn . . .

“How was I supposed to know that Jamie had ‘B Positive, blood!

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Fortunately, Jamie doesn’t . . . you know . . . die, or anything.  But that doesn’t stop Mama Bennett from sneaking out, while the kiddies aren’t home, despite Caroline’s protestations.  I’m really sorry that your Mom totally sucks, Bonnie.  (In more ways than one.) But hey, look on the bright side, considering how rarely you get your own story line, it will probably be at least three seasons, before we find out your father is just as bad . . .

In other news, Bonnie has decided to forgive Elena, and perform the spell that will magically cure Alaric of his Crazy.  (Man, if this were real it would put pharmaceutical companies, insane asylums and therapists out of business.  Witches are BAD for the economy.  . .)  She tells Elena to get something from Alaric’s house that he had before he started wearing his Jamaican Me Crazy Ring.

“Does the bottle of scotch, I had permanently attached to my lips count?”

Back at the Gilbert house, after receiving the password to all of Alaric’s bank accounts  (It’s “vampire slayer,” just in case you’re interested in performing a little identity theft, after reading this recap), Elena offers to head back to Alaric’s apartment to pick up the jewelry item.  Meredith all-too-eagerly agrees offers to stay alone with Alaric, while the latter looks.  (Girlfriend must be really hard-up for sex, if she’s willing to risk being bludgeoned to death for it.)  Ruh-roh!

“Do you feel remorse?  Because you should!’

“Geez, Elena.  You’re a pig.  When’s the last time you cleaned your bathroom counters, Season 1?”

Over at Alaric’s apartment, Elena finds Stefan . . . lurking (because that’s not weird . . . at all).  He agrees to help her search for Alaric’s wedding ring.  While the two are in the apartment, Elena and Stefan find all these creepy pictures of Alaric’s victims (even a picture of himself . . . not sure how he managed that.)

“Automatic timer on his camera?”

There’s also a big packet of information on the Founder’s Council, which Alaric was apparently preparing to send to . . . wait for it . . . Jeremy?!!!

On top of the packet is a letter to Jeremy, instructing him on precisely how to “cleanse the Founder’s council,” using the ring that will “make him strong.”

I have to say, I was skeptical at first, but I really like the way the writers are handling this serial killer story line.  Initially, when I first learned that it was “the ring” making Alaric crazy, I thought that they would use this as a way of completely freeing Alaric of liability for his own actions.

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But what’s interesting about Alaric’s psychosis is that he doesn’t seem “psychotic” in the way Samantha Gilbert was described.  Nope. This is a sociopath, pure and simple . . . a guy with a clear motive . . . one that “sane” Alaric wouldn’t necessarily disagree with: to rid the Founder’s Council of it’s inherent hypocrisy, when it comes to protecting the townspeople from vampires (though their methods of coping with it, might be different).  Bad!Alaric’s moves, up to this point, from attacking himself, to provide himself with an alibi . . . to studying up on the Founder’s Council . . . to exploiting the fact that the ring is likely having the same effect on Jeremy’s mental state, over in Vermont, have been kind of creepily brilliant.

The other thing we learn from this little excursion is that Samantha Gilbert also killed folks in the mental institution, long after she stopped wearing the ring.  Having come to the realization that Alaric is still very much a danger to Crazy Nanny Carrie, Stefan and Elena rush back to the Gilbert house . . . though it may be too late . . .

Back at the Gilbert house, Alaric awakens from his little nappy, with a bad case of the Crazy Eyes . . .

“Here’s looking at you, Crazy Nanny Carrie.”

As we learned this week, even on his “good, non-possessed days,” Alaric was no stranger to violence.  In fact, one of his favorite past times was beating up on asshats for fun.  So, you could imagine how terrifying he is now that he “has the ring to make him psycho strong.”

At first, Bad!Alaric plays it cool . . . making casual conversation with Sitting Duck Meredith, as he plays with her blood syringes.  But things start to get creepy, when he not-so-casually asks Meredith if she feels remorse about her seemingly hypocritical stance on vampires.  (i.e. Good for Doctor Business . . . Bad for the Town.)  His words remind me a bit of when Alaric bullied himself onto the Founder’s Council, by arguing that everyone else in the group was in love with or related to a supernatural creature.  (Man, how long has this sh*t been going on?)

With all pretenses of sanity dropped, Alaric can now chase Meredith, like the psycho self he’s been . . . at least for the last fifteen minutes.  As for Meredith, she can make the classic Damsel in Distress Horror movie mistake of running upstairs, when she could just as easily have ran out the door screaming, “HELP, MY RING POSSESSED BOYFRIEND IS TRYING TO KILL ME, BECAUSE I ONLY PRETEND TO HATE VAMPIRES.  IS THERE A WITCH IN THE HOUSE?”

In Meredith’s defense, she’s impressively handy with a scissor . . .

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By the time Stefan and Elena return to the Gilbert house (That was kind of slow!  What?  Stefan can’t fly?  Vampire FAIL!), Alaric is already calmly and creepily grinning at them by the door.  “Meredith is currently dying on your toilet, Elena.  Sweet DREAMS! got an emergency call, and had to go back to the hospital,” he fibs.

Elena gets Bad!Alaric out of the house, by claiming she wasn’t able to find his ring.  Once he’s gone, Stefan turns to Elena, his eyes wide with anticipation, his nostrils flared like a pig poised a mud bath.  He has a little favor to ask of his ex girlfriend.

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If Elena thinks she’s being propositioned for Ex Sex, she’s sorely mistaken.  Stefan literally smells blood.  And it isn’t long before the pair find it’s source . . . it’s Meredith . . . in the bathroom . . . with the steak knife.  Cue Stefan’s vamp face . . .

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“My wife looks so hot, when she’s all mutilated and dying like that . . . oops.  Did I just break character?”

Annnnd, here comes our Super Hero moment of the week . . .

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Final score: Vampire Cravings – 0, Stefan Salvatore – 1

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Well, hey, Rome wasn’t built in a day . . .

Now, you may be wondering what happened to Alaric.  Well, after a nice bonding moment between Elena and Bonnie . . .

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 . . . the latter did a little spell, and served the Chunky Monkey some of her magical, “Don’t be a sociopath, anymore” salad.  Then Damon knocked the guy out, and took him to some remote loft, where he could . .  . you know . . . not kill people, and stuff . . .

Speaking of Dormant Serial Killers, Elena called Jeremy, who I am now officially worried about . . . or, rather, I’m worried for the good people of Vermont, who he has taken to calling his “friends.”  (Why do I have this feeling that Jeremy’s “friends” are a bunch of decapitated rotting corpses, he hides in his closet, and plays chess with when he’s bored.)

Of course, Elena doesn’t do anything practical . . . like tell Jeremy to take off the ring . . . or to be on the lookout for a care package of “Don’t be a sociopath anymore” herbs.  Instead, she just pouts and stares off into space . . .  Way to be a hero, Elena . . .

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 According to Jeremy, Alaric hasn’t tried to contact him once, since he left for Vermont.  Do we believe him?

“Game back on, brother!”

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Never trust a woman who’s always fondling your forehead.  Damon finds out Sage betrayed him, when he sees Rebekah burning down the Wickory Bridge.  It turns out Rebekah’s head wasn’t the only one Sage shrunk, during last night’s sex sandwich escapades.  Sage absolutely refuses to believe Damon’s claims of Finn’s suicidal nature.  She honestly thinks that, once united, the two will live happily ever after . . . along with his mother . . . who will probably sleep in bed with them for all eternity.

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Sage may think she’s saved her lover boy’s life, by betraying Damon, and teaming up with the scheming Rebekah.  But she hasn’t.  It turns out there’s one piece of Wickory Bridge White Oak the twosome failed to burn . . . (Remember what I said about the sign being important?)

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I hope you’ve been training, Scooby Gang, because Hunting Season has just begun .  . .

Next week on TVD, Bondage Damon makes his triumphant return to our televisions sets.  Also, THIS HAPPENS . . .

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Can I get a HELL YEAH?!

Check out the trailers . . . if you dare . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][FangirlsForever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Death Becomes Him – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “1912”

 DAMON: “Just once, I’d like to be in a flashback, where you don’t end up with blood all over your face, and I don’t act like I’ve got a stick up my ass.”

STEFAN: “Better luck, next week.”

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  This week, all of our Mystic Fall-ians (at least the ones that were actually IN the episode, since about three-quarters of the cast weren’t) were forced to confront death in a very personal way.  For the throw-away flashback guest stars, this meant actually dying (SUCKS FOR THEM!).

“I feel your pain.” 

For Stefan, this meant, once again, coming to terms with the fact that he’s . . . (surprise!) . . . a vampire.  (After over 100 years of bloodsucking, I think it’s safe to say that Stefan’s a bit of a “late bloomer” in the self-actualization department.)

For Damon, this meant solving a serial killer case, by reenacting scenes from the first half of pretty much every Law and Order episode that’s aired, EVER.

For Elena, this meant coming to terms with the fact that immortality might be precisely what drew her to Stefan Salvatore in the first place.

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For Rebekah, this meant realizing that the term “immortality,” with respect to Original Vampire living might not be without its exceptions.

And yet, no one embodies the title of my recap more than Alchy-ric Saltzman . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to my ingenious blogging pal Andre, for all the glorious screencaps you see here.]

Hangover: Alaric Saltzman Edition

Don’t wanna die?  Here’s a tip:  Don’t be the never-before-seen on screen, human character, played by a completely unknown actor, in the first scene of a Vampire Diaries flashback . .  . ZACK SALVATORE!

“Aww, crap.  She’s talking about ME, isn’t she?  Why can’t she be talking about YOU?”

It’s late at night, sometime in 1912.  A Founder’s Council meeting has just adjourned.  Death Wish Dummy, Zach Salvatore declines a carriage ride home, preferring instead to walk, despite the fact that a Founder’s Council Serial Killer is on the loose.  Horror movie fans will tell you that this is the equivalent of the stoner high school kid at the party in the woods, who tells his friends “I’ll be right back,” before stumbling toward a bush to relieve himself.  (He then disappears completely from the film, until act three, when his weiner and disembodied head are randomly found in the slutty naked girl’s bathtub.)

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SURPRISE!  Two seconds later Zach Salvatore is stabbed in the gut, and left to die, right in the center of town square.  It looks like someone won’t be around for the sequel . . .

“Do I at least get my SAG card?” 

Back in the present day, Alaric Saltzman awakens in a jail cell with no memory at all, of how he got there.  Unfortunately, Bradley Cooper, Zack Galifianakis, and co. are over in Antarctica filming Hangover 12.5: How are we NOT in rehab yet? and cannot accompany him on the madcap adventures necessary to solve this mystery  . . .

“At least I didn’t get a weird face tattoo, or have my front teeth knocked out!”

Lizard Forbes, who arrested Alaric the night before (Unfortunately, she has been the only cop in town, ever since her daughter ate the other one, back in Season 2.) is keeping his incarceration on the down low.  Because Alaric may well be a sociopathic serial killer, but he is also a great friend, whose ass looks spectacular in tight jeans.

“They don’t call me Chunky Monkey for nothing.  Just ask Useless Aunt Jenna or Vampire Isobel . . . oh wait . . . nevermind.”

Besides,  what’s a few dead bodies, among friends right?   I mean, honestly, who really liked Bill Forbes, anyway?  Lizard certainly didn’t, and she was married to the guy!

“Hey!  I redeemed myself in the end, by dying with dignity, and telling my daughter that I would never ever want to end up a monster like her . . . oh . . . nevermind.”

Shortly therafter, Damon arrives to bail his drinking buddy / boyfriend out of the pokey.  After all, if Alaric is going to meet his maker, it should be because Damon accidentally killed him for the eightieth time, and not because of something silly . . . like the Death Penalty.

“You owe me one, buddy.  I get to kill you at least two more times now.”

That Crazy Nanny Carrie Meredith Fell.  She’s a strange duck.  Her actions in this episode baffled me.  I think I liked her better when she was just a pure psychotic b*tch  . . .

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We learn from Lizard that Meredith healed Alaric with vampire blood after she shot him in cold blood, in her apartment, at the end of last week’s episode.  According to Meredith, Alaric has been offing members of the Founder’s Council with his crazy stash of weapons that EVERYONE on the council knows he has . . . thereby making him the dumbest serial killer ever.  Then again, he also stabbed the crap out of himself, which makes him Tyler Durden from Fight Club.

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Alaric is furious with these accusations, and claims that the real serial killer, Meredith, has framed him.  Damon wholeheartedly agrees, if only because the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls will be oh-so-lonely tonight, without him.

Lizard retorts that, unlike Meredith, Alaric has no solid alibi for any of the murders.  Right now, it officially sucks to be Alaric Saltzman . . . but, perhaps, not quite as much as it sucks to be THIS GUY . . .

Elena’s out for a mopey run with Matt.  We know she’s really depressed because she’s wearing the ugliest, bulkiest, most unflattering, grey sweatshirt in the history of grey sweatshirts.  Elena’s workout clothes used to be so universally adorable, that I coveted every single one.  What the heck happened?  Did someone in the costume department go through a really bad breakup, this week?

She looks like a koala bear with human legs . . .

Matt, apparently, can’t keep up with Elena, despite the fact that he is a two-sport varsity athlete, who occasionally has to run away from werewolves.  They take a break from running to talk about Bonnie, and explain why she won’t be appearing in the episode this week.  (No such discussions are had about Tyler or Klaus.)  Apparently, her mother has decided to complete the Vampire Transition, instead of, you know, dying, and stuff.  Baby Vamp Caroline, who also wasn’t in the episode, this week, is going to help out this this.  (Considering how much Bonnie’s nose bleeds, Abby is going to need all the help she can get, to refrain from biting off her daughter’s schnoz.)

Mid afternoon snack 

Elena mentions that she feels partially responsible for what happened to Bonnie’s mom.  She should . . .

This angsty moment is interrupted by Lizard calling Elena to tell her to come pick up her possible-serial killer-pseudo dad.  Elena jogs right down to the courthouse / police station without passing Go, collection $200, or taking off that damn grey sweatshirt.  The entire judging panel of Project Runway does a collective face palm, in response.

“This concerns me.” 

At the courthouse/jail thingy,  Elena encounters Damon, and gives him her best perma-b*tch face look.  Damon responds by doing his Eye Thing.  (That’ll teach her a lesson!)  Though vaguely mad at Damon for the whole “making Mama Bennett undead” thing, Elena is apparently not too angry with her sometimes lover to ask him for a favor.

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Of course, Elena would very much like Damon to “help Alaric” in his hour of need . . . but only if said “help” doesn’t involve eating people, manipulating them, or breaking laws.  Elena is a TOTAL buzzkill.  I blame her ugly sweatshirt . . .

“I’m mean.  You hate me.  The earth is back on its axis,” Damon snarks, his expression a mixture of exasperation and mild amusement, with just a hint of unadulterated lust thrown in for good measure.

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“You know, if you keep pushing people away, you are going to end up alone,” retorts the girl, who compelled her brother to abandon her, betrayed the one Original who actually trusted her, inadvertently alienated her friends, and ALWAYS PUSHES DAMON AWAY.

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Elena then stalks off . . . alone.

Confessions of a Chipmunk Muncher

Let’s now add to the long list of reasons Damon Salvatore would be an AM-AZING lover the fact that he plays piano, shall we?

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(It means he has long dexterous fingers that are strong yet gentle, and quick yet highly adept at . . . accuracy. ;))  While Damon is composing his next concerto, Stefan is busy . . . you guessed it . . . writing in his diary again.

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 It’s BAAAACCCK!  (Oh, pilot episode . . . how we’ve missed your cheesiness . . .)  Fortunately, now, instead of Stefan, himself, the voice of “Stefan’s diary,” will be played by Damon Salvatore . . .

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 Though Damon loves his brotherly snark fests as much as the next guy, he tends not to interrupt Stefan’s “Diary Time,” unless he needs something.  And this time is no different.  “I want to enact our Wonder Twin Powers,” says Damon excitedly to the brother, who is most certainly not his twin.  Twins or not, I like the way Damon is thinking.  It’s been wayyyy too long since Stefan last played Scooby Doo to Damon’s Shaggy.  And what better excuse is there than the re-emergence of a Mystic Falls serial killer, on the 100-year anniversary of its last reign of terror, for the brothers to band together and engage in some serious super sleuthing?

Damon tosses Stefan his Diary for 1912, which, we can assume is conveniently lodged between the Diary for 1911 and the Diary for 1913.  (I’m sorry, but the idea that Ripper Stefan was carting around an ENTIRE library full of diaries, while he was ravaging Monterrey  like the bloodthirsty animal we are led to believe he had become, is about as ridiculous as . . . well . . . an Original Vampire carting around coffins for ONE THOUSAND YEARS.  This show is quickly becoming a vampire edition of the TV show, Hoarders.)

Apparently, back in 1912, Damon inadvertently reunited with his brother Stefan, after a fifty year hiatus, when the two returned to Mystic Falls to pay their respect to the definitely and permanently dead, Zack Salvatore.  In another nod to the pilot, Damon’s presence is actually preceded by that darn crow he used to occasionally metamorphis into, back in the day.

“I’m not going to lie.  I totally slept with the producer to get him to put me back in the script.” 

(Fortunately, he never became “wind” or a “puff of smoke” in this episode.)  Though a newly Lexi-fied, bunny-munching, on the wagon, Stefan is eager to put the past in the past, and resume his relationship with his brother,  a very chilly, grudge holding Damon is not quite ready to make amends . . .

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(It is important to note that Damon is also wearing a ridiculous hat.)

And yet, even back then, Stefan knew that the key to Damon’s heart was his liver.  And so, when the younger Salvatore invites the older one out for a drink, he is as patently unable to resist then, as he would be now . . .

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Damon Salvatore . . . making alcoholism seem attractive, since 1864 . . .

(Also during this scene, we are briefly introduced to two female Founder’s Council members from back in the day, Marianne Forbes and Samantha Gilbert.  Suffice it to say that ONE of these two never-before-seen women will end up being slightly more important to the episode’s mythology than the terminally unfortunate Zack Salvatore . . .)

“It doesn’t help that we are, more or less, completely indistinguishable from one another.”

A vampire walks into a bar . . .

Back in the present day, it’s Damon who invites Stefan out for a drink (since his bromantic buddy is currently being fitted for an unflattering orange jumpsuit, and a soap on the rope necklace for the inevitable “communal showers”).  It must be Vampires Drink for Free Night at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, because Rebekah is there too.  She’s been busy buttering up Carol Lockwood for information about the infamous Original Vampire-killing White Oak Tree, which may, or may not, still be standing somewhere in Mystic Falls.

“I’m very interested in learning about your wood.” 

From Carol, Rebekah conveniently learns that it was the Salvatore family that was mainly responsible for all the wood cutting, molding, and erecting that went on in Mystic Falls, during the past century.  (See what I did there?)  So, of course, when Damon and Stefan arrive in the bar,  Rebekah engages Damon in an eye-f*&king session that would surely cause retinal pregnancy, if vampires in this series were actually capable of giving birth.

Over at the bar, Damon admits to Stefan that he’s hoping to be his “vampire sponsor / life coach,” patiently guiding him through the world of “Eating Humans in Moderation,” i.e. allowing them to live to tell the tale . . . if they hadn’t just been compelled to forget it.  Damon’s argument that Stefan’s All or Nothing / Cold Turkey approach to de-ripper-ifying himself is a REALLY BAD one, that always, inevitably, ends in failure, is an impressively sound one.  And yet Stefan has read enough Alcoholic Anonymous books in his day to be skeptical about his brother’s untraditional approach to addiction . . .

The picture of sobriety.

Nosy Nelly, Rebekah, pops in, just in time for the conversation to wind its way back to 1912, which is great for her, because Rebekah REALLY wants to talk about the Salvatore wood . . . err .  . . I mean the White Oak Tree.

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Unfortunately for Rebekah, the Salvatore brothers aren’t in the mood to compare the size of their wood.  Instead, they’d like to talk about some old vixen vampire named Sage, who, like Rebekah, has sampled Damon’s wood, at least once.

Rebekah knows Sage, and thinks she’s a skank,  because she apparently used to have a little “thing” for Rebekah’s brother Finn.  I just think this means she has bad taste.  Now, I’m not saying that Finn isn’t attractive.  All I’m saying, is that, if I had to select one Original Brother to take to bed with me I’d take them ALL, the ABSOLUTE last one I’d choose would be the self-loathing, suicidal one with Serious Mommy Issues . . .   Then again, Sage DID seduce Damon, so her taste can’t be TOO bad, right?

Back in 1912, Sage was a semi-professional boxer, who used to use her vampire strength and compulsion to beat the crap out of men, and humiliate them in front of all their friends.  (Sounds like a real keeper!)  Sage takes an instant interest in Damon, criticizing him for the joyless way he gnaws on human flesh, and reminding him that women can be used for pleasure, as well as food.

“Welcome to Vampire Whoring, 101.” 

To be honest, this part of the episode was a bit of a let-down for me.  After all, the promo for this episode seemed to promise viewers a glimpse into how Damon went from being the sort-of innocent, Katherine-spurned,  uptight vamp we saw in the “Blood Brothers” and “Dinner Party” flashbacks to the lusty lothario we came to know in Season 1.  During the hiatus, I was genuinely looking forward to some Casanova-esque seduction scenes, in which Sage patiently instructed Damon in the art of compulsion-induced arousal and “sexy neck biting.”

What we got instead was  . . . absolutely nothing.

Damon’s seduction and consumption of the aforementioned Samantha Gilbert occurred off screen, and the remainder of the flashback was Stefan’s to steal.  And while the episode did shed a bit more light on Stefan’s past, I ended the hour with little more insight into Damon’s 20th century motivations and machinations than I had prior to its airing.  It kind of pissed me off.   I’m not going to lie . . .

Back in the Present Day, a very flirtatious Rebekah graciously offers Damon her services, both with respect to Stefan’s “treatment,” and to the “serial killer investigation.”  We are led to believe she’s doing this, in hopes of getting more information about that darn tree.  However, I, for one, think that Rebekah, much like her brother is just lonely . . . horny . . . and desperate for companionship, particularly with those of the opposite sex.

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Though I’m a Delena fan, through and through, I must say that I enjoyed the “friends with benefits” comraderie of Rebekah and Damon in this episode.  While I believe these two are WAYYY too much alike to ever get seriously romantically involved with one another (not to mention the whole “Klaus” thing), I did like the easygoing, mildly insulting banter they had going on with one another.  I also got a real kick out of how effortlessly they repeatedly managed to gang up on and mercilessly tease Stefan,  whether it was by jointly reading his ridiculously self-righteous diary, or later, by force feeding him a drunk college coed . . .

Rebekah also provides the much-needed female perspective on this male-dominated flashback.

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For example, Damon’s and Stefan’s assertion that a female couldn’t possibly be the serial killer were both incredibly chauvenist, and as it turned out, patently WRONG.  Rebekah picked up on this right away.   And the minute she said it, I was certain that the 1912 serial killer HAD to be female.

Rebekah also astutely noted that BOTH Damon and Stefan were rather broody, judgy, self-righteous, and dare-I-say, a bit dull, back in those early post-Katherine days.  It was a tough truth that I think both brothers desperately needed to hear . . .

Ultimately, I think it was Rebekah’s spot-on assessments of the brother’s situation, back in 1912, that convinced Damon to allow Rebekah to help him “cure” Stefan 100 years later.  So, when Stefan storms out of the bar, after experiencing symptoms of blood withdrawal,  Damon and Rebekah gamely follow him into an alleyway.

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Once there, they come upon an unlucky blonde early 20-something.  “You are about to have a very BAD night,” Damon says to the college coed, his eyes heavy with compulsion power.  He then takes a big chunk out of the poor girl’s neck, right in front of a twitchy,  eye-bulgy Stefan.  With the scent of blood still fresh in the air, Damon passes the nearly unconscious girl over to Rebekah, informing Stefan that the Original Vampire will KILL the girl, unless Stefan takes a bite out of her first.

Unable to control his urges any longer, Stefan goes all growly and fang faced, as he hungrily and noisily slurps blondie’s neck like a kid in a Campbell’s soup commercial.  When things start looking pretty grim for the girl, Damon calls upon Stefan to stop, but the urge is too strong, and he keeps on sucking.  Finally, Damon is able to wrench his brother’s piggy-eater face from the guest stars neck.  He then feeds her some blood to heal her, and send her on her way.

“I swear, this isn’t what it looks like.  I’ve just never been good at putting on lipstick.” 

Unfortunately for the Salvatore Brothers, Elena and Matt magically appear to catch them in the act.   Cue the judgmental glares from Elena,  as Damon smirks awkwardly, and Stefan just stares at his ex-girlfriend wide-eyed, as globules of college coed drip from his mouth and chin.  (Next time, Damon . . . bring a napkin.)  Elena, once again, stalks off in a huff.  This prompts an embarrassed Stefan to do the same.   I foresee a lot of angsty diary writing in both of their futures . . .

The Born-Again Ripper

In my favorite Salvatore Brother Bonding scene of the episode, Damon comes home to comfort his little brother, and congratulate him on a job not-so-well-done, but not entirely sh*tty either.   “You did really well out there.  Pretty soon, you will be the King of Moderation,” Damon insists brightly.

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When the subject turns to Elena, Stefan insists that he “doesn’t really care what she thinks.”  But Damon isn’t hearing it.  “Oh no . . . no more No Humanity Stefan,” he lectures.

As much as this whole “two brothers in love with the same girl” thing is getting a little old, I do appreciate how both brothers actually encourage one another’s feelings for Elena, because they recognize that their love for her is a symbol of their humanity.

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When Stefan angrily insists to Damon that he “doesn’t need his help,” we are whisked back to 1912, once again.  Just like in the present day, Damon finds a not necessarily willing female blood donor for Stefan, and entices him to drink her in an alleyway.  The only difference is that, this time, Damon doesn’t stop Stefan.  Instead, he lets his younger brother literally RIP the girl’s head off, then creepily try to glue it back together, just as we saw him do back in the early episodes of Season 3.

Again, a devastated Stefan insists that he “doesn’t need [Damon’s] help” before rushing off into the woods to become the famed Ripper Klaus talked about, earlier this season.  And Damon, out of a mixture of fear, anger, and maybe a little guilt, just lets him go.  Over in the present day, Damon promises Stefan that he will never let this happen again.  He vows to stand by his brother through every step of his “recovery,” for as long as it takes.  Stefan is touched and tearful, as he wonders out loud, why his brother is so insistent on doing all this for him.   “Because right now, you’re all I’ve got,” Damon responds solemnly.

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All together now, “AWWWWWWW.”

In which Elena admits that Damon “gets under her skin” (and we start thinking dirty thoughts)

While Stefan and Damon are in the process of gradually repairing their relationship, one partially-chewed college coed at a time, Elena is busy doing a little Scooby Doo detective work of her own.  She angrily confronts Meredith, regarding why the latter would have the gall to frame her guardian for murder, when the Chunky Monkey is obviously so very good in bed.  Meredith then proceeds to start spouting out information about Alaric’s past, like the super stalker she clearly is.

“So, Damon told you he loved you, and you said THAT?!  What the heck is WRONG WITH YOU?”

According to Crazy Nanny Carrie, back in college, when he wasn’t studying up on vampires, good ole Alaric used to enjoy beating the crap out of people, including, quite possibly his own girlfriend / Elena’s mother, Isobel, who, apparently, at one point, had filed a restraining order against him.

This information gives Elena pause.  But she’s not quite ready to believe these awful things about the man who used to bone both his sister, and his bio mom, and is now literally the only family she has left in Mystic Falls.  “Elena, you date vampires.  It shouldn’t come as a shock to you that your guardian is a murderer,” Meredith retorts, before leaving Elena open-mouthed in the parking lot.

(You have to admit, the b*tch kind of has a point . . .)

Later, Matt randomly helps Elena break into Meredith’s apartment, while she’s at work.  (You know, because all poor, blue collar, kids MUST be thieves.)  Within minutes, Elena is conveniently able to locate the trap door in Meredith’s closet. (Every Founding Family member has one!)  Behind the trap door is a box that contains detailed files on all the Founding Family members, who were victims of the serial killer, including Alaric himself.  In Alaric’s file, Matt locates a note from the coroner’s office, which actually seems to provide Alaric with an alibi for the original coroner’s death . . . since it may well have occurred earlier than the initial reports supposed.

But before any more research can be done, Meredith arrives home from work and catches Matt and Elena IN THE CLOSET (insert dramatic music here).

Lizard Forbes is furious, but not furious enough to actually do her job, and charge the teens with any crime (It’s not like either of them have anything resembling parents to bail them out of jail!)  Before letting the pair go, Lizard Forbes notes that Meredith herself turned in the letter.  So, Alaric will be set free from Mystic Falls ONLY active jail cell, once said letter is authenticated.  Hooray for Alaric, he will live to eat Chunky Monkey again . . . or will he?

Elena and Matt have had a rough day, one that began with a rough run, included a potential arrest, and ended with them witnessing Stefan’s piggy eating habits.  So,  of course this makes them both feel like they’ve earned a stiff drink of hard liquor some tea (lame!).  As the two chug the non-alcoholic liquid the discussion turns to why Elena loves her Salvatore brothers.   It is during this discussion that Elena realizes that she was drawn to Stefan, at least initially, because he was immortal,  and so many of the people she loved had already died.

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It’s kind of a sad reason to begin a relationship, don’t you think?

The conversation then turns to Damon, and why Elena seems just as inextricably drawn to him as to Stefan.  In what were, not surprisingly, my favorite lines in the ENTIRE episode, Elena had THIS to say . . .

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 Now, you know me.  I’ve never exactly been a “Matt Fan.”  And yet, I must admit, I fell in love with him a little bit, when he said this . . .

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 What an awesome and insightful statement!  For one thing, I love how Matt automatically made the connection between Damon’s “getting under [Elena’s] skin,” and her “falling in love with Damon.”  It’s something that’s been so incredibly obvious to all of Elena’s friends for so long.  But Elena, who’s been in denial of her true feelings, for multiple seasons now, needed to hear it.  So, I’m glad that Matt was willing to say it to her.

And while Matt is quite obviously referring to Elena’s strong feelings for Damon, judging by the watery look in his eyes, he’s also referring to himself.  What’s interesting is that it’s not entirely certain, in that sense, whether he’s referring to his feelings for Caroline, or his feelings for Elena.  It’s possible that he means a little bit of both.

Beyond the obvious reasons why I wouldn’t “ship” Matt and Elena *cough she should be with Damon cough,* my concern with the coupling actually has a lot to do with Matt’s well being.  Elena has already dated Matt, and admitted that, while she clearly cares for him, she never really felt passionate about their relationship.  If Elena was to date Matt again, I feel like she would be doing it simply because he wasn’t a vampire, just like, two years prior, she started dating Stefan, because he was one.  Because I don’t believe that Elena will ever genuinely feel for Matt as strongly as he feels for her, or as strongly as she feels for the Salvatores, I don’t think it would be fair of her to enter into a relationship with him.

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Nobody deserves to be third choice in their Happily Ever After . . .

Oh, did I mention that Matt’s Cloak of “Human Invisibility” enabled him to snag Elena’s ancestor, Samantha’s journal from Meredith’s files?

Well, now I did!

One Ring to Rule ALL the NUTBARS . . .

For an episode that was surprisingly slow moving, things happened pretty fast in the last five minutes or so.  Alaric is released from jail.  We then see Elena reading Samantha Gilbert’s increasingly erratic diary (apparently, John Gilbert wasn’t the only member of Elena’s family, who ended up going loony tunes), at the same time that Damon and Stefan are recalling how the Mystic Falls serial killer ultimately ended up being none other than Samantha herself.

“See?  I told you I’d be mildly important.” 

Then, Meredith pops over to tell an angry Alaric that his “drunken blackouts” may be a sign that he’s a psycho serial killer, who’s slowly being turned into a wackjob by his recently-on-the-fritz immortality ring.  Elena rushes downstairs to confirm this, since she now realizes that both Samantha and John Gilbert, who wore similar rings, suffered the same fate.  So, Alaric is the Mystic Falls Serial Killer, after all . . . Meh, I kind of expected as much.   I’m SHOCKED.

More interesting than the Killer Ring, I think, is what exactly motivated Meredith to forge a coroner letter, in order free Alaric, when she now-KNOWS he’s mentally unstable, and might KILL HER?  I still think that b*tch is hiding something . . .

Another interesting aspect of this is Jeremy.  He’s wearing the Jaimaican Me Crazy Ring too!  Now, ordinarily, I’d say Jeremy is in no immediate danger of becoming a wackadoodle, since he hasn’t been wearing the ring nearly as long as Alaric has, nor has he “died” quite as many times.  And yet, I can definitely see the writers fudging with this fact, if they need a quick excuse to bring Jeremy back on the show.  (For example, the writers might assert that Alaric’s aggressiveness during his college years was also the result of his wearing the ring, thereby making Jeremy’s endangerment much more immediate.)

One more tidbit to consider.  Is it possible that the two rings are DIFFERENT from one another,  or that each ring wearer is effected differently by them?  For example,  Uncle/Father John was presumably about Alaric’s age.   And the two men were wearing the darn thing, for about the same amount of time.  And while Uncle/Father John was certainly a douche most of the time, I wouldn’t necessarily consider him a psychopath . . . nor would I consider the original John Gilbert to be one. Judging by flashbacks of the character, he seemed more quirky mad scientist than homicidal maniac . . .

Just some food for thought . . .

If the promos are any indication, next week’s episode looks pretty promising.  For one thing, we get the return of Crazy Alaric, who we haven’t seen since he was Alarklaus.  (Question: Why is it, in horror movies, that the psycho killer always seems to be screaming things like “OPEN THIS DOOR,” when he’s coming at you with a hatchet?  He might as well be saying, “Why on Earth, are you running away from me?  Don’t you want to be raped and decapitated?”)

Also, next week, Damon [Spoiler Alert?] somehow mind rapes Rebekah (at least I’m pretty sure that’s what he does, based on the promos), takes a shower, and gets lucky with two lady vamps at once.  In the words of Damon, himself, “Now that’s what I call a party.”

You can check out extended promos for the episodes, here:

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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The Vampire Diaries’ Ripper Redux Part IV – When Klaus Met Stefan . . .

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Watch out, World!  The TRUE Rippers are coming . . . And BOY, are they HUNGRY!

Have we got a treat for you, this week, Fangbangers!  For weeks, my fabulous blogger pal, Amy, over at Imaginary Men, and I have been hard at work watching (and rewatching, and rewatching) countless hours of Vampire Diaries’ footage, with the goal of boiling down for you, our patient viewers, those special scenes that embody the TRUE Spirit of Ripper Stefan  .  . .

Part I of this series, took us all the way back to 1864, where we witnessed the birth of Stefan and Damon as vampires, in the Season 1 episode “Blood Brothers.”

Awww, look at the Baby Vamps!  Aren’t they cute?

Back then, Ripper Stefan was just an infant, nudging and crawling his way toward bloodsucking greatness . . .

In Part II of the series, we returned to present day, and the “Miss Mystic Falls” pageant.  There, we watched with horror (and just a little bit of glee) as Ripper Stefan tore into the carotid artery of Amber the Beauty Queen with the skill of a surgeon, and the cold, unfeeling, attitude of a sociopathic serial killer . .  .

Part III, drove us back into the past, once again, as Stefan calmly detailed for Elena, how he systematically devoured most of her ancestors, AND learned that love truly CAN conquer all, in “The Dinner Party” . . .

But THIS is what you’ve all been waiting for!  The Piece de Resistance of the ENTIRE SERIES . . .

Because when you think about it, all of these individual moments, have really been leading us down one single dark road . . .  With every drop of human blood Stefan consumed, he was further cementing his fate.

So, when his path inevitably crossed with a certain blonde-haired Original Vampire, there really was no turning back.  Stefan’s Destiny had already been decided.  The Ripper had RETURNED, in earnest . . . and the Devil they call Klaus had made it so . . .

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So, without further adieu, TV Recappers Anonymous and Imaginary Men proudly present to you . . .

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The Vampire Diaries’ Ripper Redux Pt. IV: Rebirth of a Ripper

(We sincerely hope it doesn’t suck!)

P.S. For those of you who have enjoyed this web series (and we hope you have), here’s an opportunity to take part in it, going forward!

As you well know, there are two weeks left between now and TVD’s September 15th premiere.  That means that Amy and I have two weeks left to give you more TVD-related content.  The problem is we’re not sure what we want to write about, yet!

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No, I’m serious, Damon!  We’re stuck!  But that’s where you come in, dear readers!

Drop by the comment section here, or on Amy’s blog, and tell us what TVD-themed topic you’d like to see us cover, in the next two weeks.  If we choose your idea, we will give you full credit for it, of course, as well as the opportunity to insert your two cents directly into the post . . .

Sound good?

Great!  Then get those wheels turning, and start coming up with ideas!

Thanks in advance!  And, hopefully, we’ll see you next week!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever – Now with Ripper-themed t-shirts!]

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Hooked on Phonics Worked for Elena! (But Not for Elijah) – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Dinner Party”

ELENA:  So when it comes to being super hot, and killing supernatural creatures, like it’s your job, you both get A’s.  But as far as reading comprehension and following directions go?  YOU TWO FAIL .  . . MISERABLY!

DAMON:  I am so Hot for Teacher, right now . . .

STEFAN: Is this going to be on the exam?  Because I’ve been in high school for 140 years.  And I’d really like to graduate some time within the next century . . .

It’s not often that you get a supernatural teen television drama, that also stresses the importance of careful READING.  And yet, that’s exactly what this week’s installment of The Vampire Diaries taught us.  Though the hour arguably ended “happily” unless you are Elijah, of course (I MISS MY ELIJAH ALREADY!), what happened to our Mystic Falls Scooby Gang this week should serve as a cautionary tale to all of us.   And the moral of the “story” is this:  Terrible things happen to people (and vampires) who fail to READ BETWEEN THE LINES . . . or, in some cases, the LIES.

In other news, all those fans out there who complained that Elena Gilbert is a “wimpy” / “whiny” heroine — who refuses to fight for herself — are currently enjoying “dessert,” right now . . .

Mmmmm . . . crow . . . yummy!

Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

Dark Stefan –  The Prequel (A Jonathan Gilbert Story)

Dear Diary,

Today I OWNED every vampire and human on this show.  So, if anybody EVER compares me to Bella Swan again, I will shove my Original’s Killing Dagger SO FAR UP THEIR ASSES, they will wish they were NEVER BORN . . .

Hugs and Kisses,

Elena

When the episode begins, believe it or not, Stefan and Elena are STILL on their “Romantic Getaway” at the Gilbert Lakehouse.  Even after a fun-filled evening of being stalked, shot at, and held at gun point by a bunch of rabid and drooling werewolves, Stefan and Elena somehow still remain under the assumption that they can salvage their “vacation.”  Their idealism is either really inspiring, or incredibly disturbing.  I’m not sure which . . .

Then again, it’s entirely possible that the only reason this couple is sticking around the Lakehouse, is that they dread sharing a car with one another, for the long ride back to Mystic Falls.  After all, tensions have been high, and interactions icy, ever since Stefan found out that Elena plans to kill herself (via Santa Klaus-icide) to save the rest of the Scooby Gang from further harm.  In other words, there has most certainly been NO SEX in the Lakehouse Champagne Room!

This would probably explain why I found THESE in Stefan’s underwear, last night . . .

“Scientifically” speaking, I’m not even sure THIS can happen to vampires.  But if it CAN, it probably happened to Stefan at the Lakehouse . . .

Anyway, after their fight, Elena and Stefan are keeping a safe distance from one another.  As for Stefan, he is out on the dock, gossiping, like a little school girl, with his Big Bro Damon . . .

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DAMON:  “And that Dorky Werewolf was like, ‘I’m going to kill you.’  And I was like ‘Ow, my neck hurts,’ and then Elijah was like ‘RIPPPPPP, hey Damon, wanna eat some were-hearts with me?’  And I was like ‘Cool!  I still want you dead though.’  And Tyler was like ‘I’m outtie 5,000.’  . . .”

STEFAN:  “Yeah, I know, Damon.  I watched the episode on ITunes, last night . . .”

Meanwhile, Elena is camped out on the couch, reading the “exciting” tale of how her boyfriend once ate all her ancestors, thereby almost preventing her from EVER BEING BORN!

“W TF, Stefan!  I better be getting a REALLY expensive anniversary gift, if you want to make up for this one!”

You guys have met Dark Stefan, right?  You know . . . he was the guy from the “Miss Mystic Falls” episode, that aired last season — the one who ditched his girlfriend at the local beauty pageant, so that he could suck on one of her competitors. 

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Well, he’s BAAAAAACK!  (And I mean WAY BACK . . . like, 1864 . . . back.)

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(By the way, my personal apologies go out to the over 550 people who searched for “Stefan Salvatore Fist Pumping Gif” this morning, and were mistakenly directed to my blog by WordPress, even though I didn’t actually “own” this GIF until about two hours ago.  Oops!)

Thanks to Jonathan Gilbert, and his compulsive need to write EVERYTHING DOWN, we are whisked back in time, to 1864, along with Elena.  Once there, we witness Jonathan Gilbert enjoying a nice “Dinner Party” (Ahhhh . . . parallels!  Gotta love em’!) with the other so-called “Founding Families” of Mystic Falls.  Suddenly, there is a rustling in the trees, outside . . .

So, the “Brave” Jonathan, and another random Town-Founding Dude, head outside to investigate.  Jonathan immediately whips out his trusty Cereal Box Toy Vampire Detector Watch, to determine if EVIL is truly afoot. 

It’s not afoot (YAY!) .  . . and then, suddenly, it is (BOO!).  Within seconds, Founding Dude 2 becomes a Vampire Happy Meal.  So, does Jonathan, for that matter . . .

 Or DOES HE?  As it turns out, in addition to being the owner of cheesy Vampire Detector Watches, Jonathan also wears an Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality.  And so, he returns to life, after being eaten. This enables Jonathan to ID his killer in his diary.  And I bet you can’t guess who it is?  (I’ll give you a hint:  His name rhymes with Mefan Malvatore.)

“Oh, Stefan!  You have some ‘splaining TO DO!”

Back in Present Day, Stefan saunters back into the lake house.  Apparently, his fun little conversation with Damon has done little to improve his mood.  The Dude still has a MAJOR stick up his ass, over the whole “Elena Suicide Pact” thing.  (Poor Schuck!  He has NO IDEA of the massive sh*tstorm he’s about to walk into.) 

“Still mad?”  Elena asks her beau slyly.

I won’t recap for you EVERYTHING Stefan says in response, because he basically details all of last week’s episode, in his speech.  However, I WILL tell you that he was dumb enough to end his monologue with “That’s the understatement of the century.”  *facepalm*

“YOU would know!”  Elena snarks.  (Silly Stefan!  You walked right into that one . . . or should I say “that pun”!)

Stefan admits that he ate the founding families because he was really hungry because he was pissed at them for what he THOUGHT they did to Katherine.  He hadn’t expected Jonathan for to survive, and finger him (OK . . . that sounded dirty) for the murders.  Stefan then reluctantly agrees to tell Elena all about the fabulous life / redemption arc of 1864-era Dark Stefan.  After all, better she find out all the bad stuff from HIM, than from her half-chewed wackadoo ancestor!

We are then treated to a fun little 1864 taste of what it would be like if Paul Wesley was cast as DAMON SALVATORE, and Ian Somerhalder as STEFAN.  (PERISH THE THOUGHT!)  We see Dark Stefan chilling in his mansion (La Casa de Rich and Awesome — MY HAVE YOU CHANGED!).   Evil Steffy apparently fills his days by screwing the townie girls’ little peabrains out, and then EATING THOSE BRAINS, once he’s finished screwing the bodies attached to them . . .

Enter Cockblock Damon (I can’t even BELIEVE I am using those two words in the same sentence!) with his Adorably Curly 19th Century Hair, and Judgy McJudgerson Puppy Dog Eyes . . .

Good Damon compels all Stefan’s little tartlets to leave La Casa de Rich and Awesome immediately, and never come back — thereby, effectively saving all their lives.  Damon also tells his brother, in his Stefan-iest voice, that the latter’s “appetites” are going to get them both killed, if Dark Stefan is not careful.

Having grown tired of Dark Stefan, and his tendency toward emotion free screw-killings, Damon has decided to skip town ALONE.  Upon hearing this, Dark Stefan shows emotion, for the first time during this flashback.  Clearly, desperate for companionship, he begs his brother to reconsider . . .

“If you stay, I’ll let you eat the girl behind the Piano’s boobs!”

But Damon is far beyond putting up with his Brother’s B.S.  He has already made up his mind . . .

So, a dejected Stefan heads out to a Civil War Battlefield for more Human Snacks.  He comes upon a blonde chick in a hood, and tries to gnaw on her.  The only problem is, she’s a vampire.  In fact, she’s a vampire who WE ALREADY KNOW!

 

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The Awkward Moment when you try to eat a girl (non-sexually, of course), and she ends up being dead . . . ish.

OMG!  It’s LEXI!  Remember her from the 162 Candles Episode?  If not, she was Stefan’s bestie .  . . who celebrated his birthday with him . . . Then, DAMON KILLED HER to cover his ass for murders HE COMMITTED!

GOOD TIMES!

Anyway, as it turns out, it was Lexi who crashed with Stefan during those dark 1864 days.  And it was Lexi who taught Stefan that turning off your feelings isn’t the “right” way to be a vampire.  After all, vampires with NO feelings can’t get horny FALL IN LOVE!  And “love conquers all!”  (OK . . . that whole speech was nauseatingly cheesy!  But we like Lexi, so it’s acceptable from her . . . I guess.)

Perhaps, the most poignant moment of the flashback is when Lexi and, her future murderer, Damon, meet on the stairwell of La Casa de Rich and Awesome, as he is heading out of Mystic Falls, en route to becoming the SUPER HOT, but also DEEPLY wounded and tormented, vampire he is today . . .

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Lexi prophetically warns Damon that the day will come when the anger he is feeling toward his brother for depriving him of his human life, will consume him, and lead him toward darkness.  In return, Damon asks Lexi to promise to take care of Stefan, because he clearly needs it.  And Lexi keeps that promise . . . well . . . until Damon kills her, of course.

You know . . . you’ve really gotta hand it to Stefan.  Here’s a guy who LITERALLY murdered his girlfriend’s entire family.  And, yet, he somehow manages to turn the story of how he did it into a GUILT TRIP against his girlfriend for being willing to die to SAVE HIS LIFE!

At the end of the flashback, Stefan tells Elena that HE never gave up on life, despite having once been a Sociopathic Mass Murderer, so she shouldn’t give up either.  Ummmm . . .  How sweet (?)

“It was a solid effort.  But you are still not getting laid this weekend, you Gilbert EATER!”

Speaking of relics of the past, let’s talk about BONNIE’S POWERS!

From Bewitched to Un-witched

“When I said I was looking for a new ‘Choker,’ this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind . . .”

Oh, Bonnie!  You didn’t really think you’d be able to Mind Rape Luka —

 . . . son of the Big Bad Jonas Brother from Another Mother —  and NOT suffer any consequences, as a result, did you?  Awwww, YOU DID, DIDN’T YOU?  That sucks!

When we first see Bonnie, her and Jeremy are alternating between eye f*ckery, and dancing around the issue of their little makeout session from last week . . .

After THAT KISS, and weeks and weeks of these two circling one another like dogs in heat, I REALLY can’t believe that Bonnie is STILL yammering on with her whole “What will Elena think, if I start boning her brother?” nonsense.  It’s annoying!

Jeremy obviously thinks so too.  But, fortunately, for Bonnie, he  unlike ME also finds it endearing.  For this reason, Jeremy plans to woo Bonnie by planning a not-date / date — one that expertly masquerades as “Witch Practice.” 

Damn, I’m SMOOOOTH!”

That being said, I did have a teensy weensy bit of an issue about Jeremy using thousands of friggin candles as “date decoration.”  Not only is that a MAJOR FIRE HAZARD (Honestly, doesn’t the Gilbert Household have enough PROBLEMS, without you trying to BURN IT DOWN, Scrappy Doo?), it also kept reminding me of the LAST TIME Bonnie and Jeremy found themselves surrounded by similar “date decorations” . . .

Yeah . . . ummm . . . Jeremy?  Last I checked, kidnapping, mind rape, and spell-induced seizures?  Not exactly romantic!

Fortunately for Jeremy, Bonnie isn’t bothered by the candles nearly as much as I am.  And, within moments, her and Jeremy are dry humping “channeling eachother’s energies” on the floor.  (So, that’s what the kids are  calling it, nowadays! ;))

Then, suddenly, THIS HAPPENS . . .

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*sings*  “Ooh, what a feelin’!  When you’re dancin’ on the ceiling!”

That’s right, boys and girls!  As it turns out, Papa Warlock is not too keen on the whole “Mind Rape of his Son” thing.  So, after throwing Jeremy AGAINST THE WALL OF HIS OWN HOUSE, and MAKING HIM STICK THERE, like a Giant Human Spitball, Jonas turns his attention to Bonnie, who he strangles, while chanting gibberish.  “This is for your own good,” he tells her.

When Jonas finally lets Bonnie go, and Jeremy can peel himself off the wall, the latter rushes to his new gal pal’s side, to make sure she’s OK.  “He took my powers,” Bonnie gasps, as if unable to believe that this is really happening to her. 

(OH, BELIEVE IT HONEY!  BECAUSE IT”S TRUE!  A guy like Jonas, who can murder dozens of werewolves with a Headache Spell, can SURELY take away YOUR lame-ass powers, in a heartbeat.)

“I’ll get you my, Bonnie!  And your Mini Gilbert too!”

All kidding aside, I actually think there is something to be said for Jonas’ seemingly throwaway comment to Bonnie that he took her powers away, for her own good.  After all, we all know that WITCHES are extremely important to vampires, particularly ORIGINAL vampires like Santa Klaus, who are intent on breaking the Moonstone Curse.  We also know that Jonas’ daughter is being held captive by Klaus BECAUSE of her powers.  If Bonnie is just boring and annoying normal, she will no longer be at risk to be targeted by dangerous supernatural creatures with ulterior motives.  Just sayin’!

Uh Oh!  Bonnie didn’t seem to like that comment.  I really hope she doesn’t give me . . . Oh wait, that’s right, she can’t do ANYTHING to me anymore, can she?  Because she doesn’t have powers!  HAHA! 😉

Now that we’ve gotten all THAT out of the way, on to the GOOD STUFF . . .

*ahem*  Good “stuff” indeed!

Elijah Does His Best Impression of Kenny from South Park

Oh My GOD!  You killed ELIJAH . .  . and un-killed him . . . and killed him again!  YOU BASTARDS!

When we last saw Damon, he was a bit . . . indisposed . . .

But now, our sexy vampire stud is BACK, and READY FOR BUSINESS!  And this week, that “business” involves killing Elijah (TO SAVE his future girlfriend ELENA . . . WHO HE LUUUUUUVES, of course). 

To do this, Damon plans to use a Special Dagger, coated with dust from a White Oak tree . . .

According to Creepy Uncle / Father John, only THIS type of dagger can kill an original vampire.  But Damon (wisely, as it turns out) doesn’t 100% trust Creepy Uncle / Father John.  And so, to corroborate the legend, our Lonely Lothario decides to pay a little visit to the tomb-trapped Katherine, who, admittedly, has been looking a bit, worse for wear, of late . . .

 SOMEONE needs to moisturize!  Oh . . . and that Bottlecap Nose Ring of yours?  Not cute . . . AT ALL!

Katherine perks up a bit, when Damon feeds her some blood.  However, that happiness appears short-lived, when Damon starts discussing how he plans to kill Elijah.  “If you kill Elijah, I will be stuck in here forever!”  Katherine lies through her fangs exclaims!

This FACE = HILARIOUS!

Damon immediately takes Katherine’s faux frightened response as confirmation that John was right.  Originals CAN be killed!  And this dagger is the way to kill them!  With the murder weapon confirmed, Damon begins to put Phase Two of his plan into motion.  He does this by compelling his new Stepford Sex Toy Andie to invite Elijah, Jenna, and Alaric all over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome for a Dinner Party . . .

“Just because I’m planning to kill you, doesn’t mean I don’t have a Massive Boy Crush on you, Elijah . . . you heartbreaking, hair-flipping stud, you!”

(Speaking of homoerotic, did anybody else notice the MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF MASCARA AND GUYLINER Alaric was wearing, this week?  What was up with that?)

Don’t even TRY to tell me that’s natural!  It’s NOT!

As for the Dinner Party itself, it is probably one of the most awkward, bizarre, and hysterical social events of the ENTIRE SERIES!  I mean, first you’ve got Elijah . . .

 . . . who’s alternating between flirting shamelessly with EVERYONE in the house (male AND female) threatening Damon and Alaric that he will KILL the entire guest list, if they try any “funny stuff” (like . . . say . . . trying to stab him with an oak-coated dagger), and spouting off lame, and incredibly BORING, historical tidbits about Mystic Falls . . .

Then, you’ve got Guyliner Alaric . . .

 . . . who spends most of the dinner pouting in the corner, because (1) he’s jealous of the attention Elijah is paying to Useless Aunt Jenna (though, admittedly it’s unclear WHICH of these two people he is actually jealous OF); and (2) he is certain that his bromantic buddy Damon is lying to him, when he says that the Dinner Party is nothing more than a “fact-finding mission.” (The only FACT Damon is interested in “finding” is how much an Original BLEEDS when he dies.)

Then, there’s Useless Aunt Jenna . .  . zzzzzzzzzz

 .  . . nd Stepford Sex Toy Andie, who Damon has probably compelled so many times that the entire frontal lobe of her brain has turned to cottage cheese . . .

*crickets chirping*

And .  . . WAIT A SECOND . . . who the heck invited Creepy Uncle / Father John?

When it comes time for “dessert,” Damon coyly separates Elijah from the pack so they can have AWESOMELY HOT VAMPIRE SEX he can stab his MASSIVELY OLD guts out.  And he is just about to do so, when, conveniently enough, Alaric gets a frantic call Stefan at the Lakehouse . . .

“Can you hear me now?  GOOD!”

As luck would have it, Jonathan Gilbert wrote about KILLING ORIGINALS in his diary.  There’s even a picture of that dagger John gave Damon in Jonathan’s writings.  And under the picture it says . . . THE DAGGER CAN ONLY BE USED BY A HUMAN . . . BECAUSE IF IT’S USED BY A VAMPIRE, THE VAMPIRE DIES TOO!

OH NO!  Creepy Uncle / Father John TRIED TO KILL MY DAMON by getting him to KILL MY ELIJAH!  THAT BASTARD!

Could someone remind me again WHY they put THIS GUY’S FINGERS BACK ON, afte Katherine CHOPPED THEM OFF in the season one finale? 

Just imagine how much TROUBLE could have been prevented, if these “little piggies” had gone into the trash compactor, like they were SUPPOSED TO!

Now, it’s important to note here, that AS SOON AS ELENA read the passage about Damon possibly dying, Stefan RUSHED RIGHT OFF TO CALL ALARIC, without reading the additional “rules” about the dagger.  Granted, this might have been necessary, because, Damon was just MOMENTS AWAY from stabbing Elijah, when Alaric ran in to hand him THIS . .  .

(Not that any of you care, but I have TERRIBLE handwriting, myself.  So, the fact that Alaric ALSO writes like a toddler, makes me like his character SO MUCH MORE!)

Needless to say, Damon is not pleased AT ALL . .  .

But then, just when you think Damon might do something rash, like murder Creepy Uncle/Father John (DO IT!  DO IT!  DO IT!), or start pummeling Elijah with his bare hands (which, admit it, would be really hot!), THIS HAPPENS . . .

And then Elijah starts to look like this . . .

. . . which is SO NOT A GOOD LOOK FOR HIM.  And it’s a TOTAL SHOCK, because, really, this is NOT the way you would expect a BAMF like Elijah to go out.  I mean, he wasn’t even standing when it happened, he was SITTING DOWN, TALKING ABOUT DULL ASS MYSTIC FALLS HISTORY, for crying out loud.  He didn’t even have time to do his trademark hair flip!  It would have been a travesty for Elijah to have died this way.  Notice, I said “would have been” . . .

So, while Team Bad Ass members, Damon and Alaric, are giving eachother manly backslaps . . .

 . . . and Alaric is whining to Damon, about how he’s his only friend (NOT TRUE!), so he should be more honest with him (well  . . . THAT part is true!) . . .  Stefan has finally decided to let Elena read the REST of Jonathan’s entry about the dagger.  And get this:  it turns out, an Original is only dead for as long as the DAGGER STAYS IN HIS BODY.   ONCE YOU . . .

 . . . ahem . . . EXTRACT IT . . . The Original  Vampire COMES BACK TO LIFE!

So, let me get this straight . . . “pull IT out” = nothing happens

“keep IT in” = DEAD VAMPIRE FOR ALL ETERNITY

In other words, this is The Rhythm Method of Vampire Murder. . .  and Alaric, who has always been a “pull it out” kind of guy . . .

 . . . didn’t exactly DO IT correctly, if you catch my drift.

So, we cut back to Damon, who, after promising his BOYFRIEND that he won’t “lie to him anymore,” has returned to the basement to collect his Original Vampire Trophy. 

Oh yeah, Elijah is SO ALIVE and SO MIA!  (And I hate to say it, but I’m kind of glad.)  I bet you can’t guess where our Undead-undead BAMF-pire went next?

That’s right, Fangbangers!  A gentleman until the very end, Elijah WALKED his beautiful butt ALL THE WAY TO THE LAKE HOUSE, so that he could PERSONALLY tell Elena that, in light of recent events, all promises he originally made regarding Scooby Gang protection were hereby waived.

“You have nothing left to negotiate with,” Elijah explains, with what I detect is a genuine note of sadness.  (I really think the Old Vamp had a soft spot for our Elena.  And why not? EVERYBODY ELSE DOES.)

But Elena DOES have a bargaining chip.  “Promise me you won’t harm anyone I love, even if they harmed you.  Otherwise, I will stab myself to death with this dagger.  Then Stefan will turn me.  And I will become a vampire.  Just like Katherine did.  And you will have nothing.”

Elijah smiles, clearly enjoying this.  “I’m going to have to call your bluff,” he explains.

Then THIS HAPPENS!

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Now, the usually calm Elijah is FREAKING THE F*&K OUT!  “Yes, yes, you have the deal .  . . LET ME HEAL YOU!” Elijah exclaims. 

And it’s awesome seeing him unhinged like this.  Somehow, Elena, has managed to get the upper hand over an original vampire, in a way that nobody else has been able to so far.  HE NEEDS HER.  After securing Elijah’s word that he will not harm the people she loves, a dying Elena moves toward Elijah . . . and . . . STABS HIM IN THE STOMACH WITH THE ORIGINALS KILLING KNIFE!

Now, Elijah is dead . . . for real this time .  . . which, actually saddens me.  I’m going to miss THIS . . .

And so will DAMON, I think!  Speaking of Damon, it is at this moment that he MAGICALLY APPEARS . . .

“Just a tip.  Don’t pull the dagger out,” Big Bro Salvatore notes wryly.  (OH DAMON!  How I love you, let me count the ways!)

Speaking of people of I love, HOW AWESOME IS ELENA!  Then, after singlehandedly saving the day, our girl impresses me even further by giving her vampire men the WHAT FOR, for WRONGLY ASSUMING they knew better than she did how to handle this whole “Doppelganger” THING.  “You want me to fight?  I’ll fight, but you can’t keep things from me anymore.  From this moment on, we do things MY WAY,” Elena demands, in a surprisingly KATHERINE-LIKE TONE.

The boys AGREE!  And I’ll say it again, ELENA RULES!

Oh . . . to be in the middle of this Salvatoreo Sandwich right now!

In other news, Useless Jenna sort of /kind of dumped Alaric for being dishonest to her about TWO SEASONS WORTH OF VAMPIRE DIARIES EPISODES ex-wife Isobel and her undeath. 

Maybe she’s not so useless after all . . . (Wait . . . did I just say that?)

Then, Alaric surprisingly relented and gave Creepy Uncle /Father John the UglyAss Ring of Immortality he TOTALLY DOESN’T DESERVE, warning him, “After what you did to Damon, you are going to need it more than I am.”

Be afraid, ASSHAT!  BE VERY AFRAID!

Back in the AWESOME SHOWER fo La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .

Just reminding you why it’s awesome . . . that’s all!

Damon walks in on THIS . . .

And my TEAM DELENA heart starts doing this . . .

But, of course, it’s not’s Elena . . . It’s KATHERINE!  That’s right, Damon!  Killing Elijah didn’t TRAP the Sexy Vamp in the tomb forever, it FREED HER FROM the Original’s Compulsion! 

Remember how earlier in the season Creepy /Uncle Father John promised Katherine that he had set plans in motion to get her out of the tomb, so that SHE could help protect Elena from Klaus?  Well THIS was exactly what he meant .  . . killing Damon was probably just be an added bonus for HIM.

However, it happened, KAT IS NOT ONLY BACK, SHE IS MOVING IN TO LA CASA DE RICH AND AWESOME?  Does this mean us Kefan fans will FINALLY get the sex scene we were so RUDELY denied a few episodes back? 

Here’s HOPING!

Something tells me, Elena is NOT GOING TO BE PLEASED!

Let the Doppelganger Hijinx ENSUE!  You can check out the EXTENDED version of next week’s promo, “The House Guest,” right here. 

Do I sense some HOT Delena moments in our near future?  I SURE DO!  (Who cares if it’s a case of mistaken identity?  They ARE RUBBING UP ON EACHOTHER.  AND I’m HAPPY, DAMMIT!)

It’s only a matter of time!

And that’s all I’ve got folks.  Feel free to sound off in the comment section about “The Dinner Party,” and/or your thoughts on “The House Guest.”  Are you sad Elijah’s gone for good?  Are you psyched for Katherine’s return?  What is the most AWFUL TORTUROUS death to which Damon can subject Creepy Uncle / Father John?  My vote is for something that involves leeches . . . and private parts.  But that’s just me ;).

See ya next week, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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