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“The Last Recruit” a.k.a. The NOBODY-Centric, Connect-the-Dots Lost Episode

Up until this point, Lost has had more loose (and dead) ends than Bat-Sh&t Crazy Claire’s hair . . .

Someone get this girl a flat iron!

But that all changed (sort of), during this week’s nobody-centric Lost installment.  Because someone in the writing department FINALLY decided to tie together all those darn flash-sideways scenarios that have been plaguing us for weeks on end!  Here’s how they did it . . .

If you recall, at the end of last week’s episode,  heretofore mild-mannered Desmond the Time Traveling Know-It-All . . .

(Maybe HE will be able to explain this to us when it’s all over . . .)

 . . . shocked EVERYONE by running down Wheelchair Locke . . .

. . . with his car in Flash-Sideways world.  Now, most of us would agree, that purposefully mowing over paraplegic substitute teachers with your motor vehicle is not a very nice thing to do.  But as it turns out, there was a method to Desmond’s madness.   Our pal Dessie simply wanted Locke to make some new friends . . . which makes the hit-and-run TOTALLY OK!  (Seriously, Desmond?  You couldn’t have just sent the poor dude a Facebook invite?)

Anyway, massive overreaction aside, Sideways Locke is carted away in the ambulance, with his new pal, Professor Ben riding along side him.  (I thought only FAMILY was allowed to do that.  But what do I know?)

And I have to say, I am totally in LOVE with this slightly effete, curmudgeony, skittish, BIG NERD version of Ben.  The only time I could ever imagine Island Ben . . .

 . . . riding with a virtual stranger in an ambulance, is if he wanted to steal that stranger’s heart . . .

No . . . I mean LITERALLY rip out his or her heart and STEAL IT . . .

Anyway, as Locke is being wheeled into the hospital, he is met by another patient on the adjoining gurney, namely Pregnant Sun, who is accompanied into the hospital her doting Boyfriend / Baby Daddy Jin . . .

When a half-conscious Sun sees a completely unconscious Locke lying next to her, she COMPLETELY FLIPS OUT!   WHY?  Is it because a part of her remembers his evil, voice-snatching island alter ego, MIB, from another dimension?  Or is she simply shocked to learn that Mr. Clean is, in fact, a real person . . .

Later, we learn that Sun pulled through the operation, and gave birth to a healthy baby girl, who may or may not be named Ji-Yeon in this timeline.

Meanwhile, Buddy Cop Bromantics, Sawyer and Miles . . .

 . . . are hanging at the police station, having just arrested Running Kate.

As Sawyer interrogates Kate, the sexual tension between them sends sparks pff the screen and into your living room.  You can tell Sawyer totally just wants to handcuff Kate to the wall and make a “bad cop porno” with her.  After all, it’s not as though these two haven’t done THAT before . . .

Honestly, I kept waiting for the “bow chick a wow, wow” music to start playing in the background, and for Sawyer to take off his shirt . . .

But alas, all clothes remained disappointingly ON.  The scene wasn’t a TOTAL loss though.  Kate hinted that the reason Sawyer passively helped her to escape the FBI agent on her tail back at LAX, was that he didn’t want to call any attention to the fact that he had taken a secret impromptu trip to Australia.  Sawyer doesn’t deny this.  In fact, he tells the possibly murderous Kate, “I like YOU.”  (Well DUH!)

Cockblock Miles totally ruins the moment, however, by telling Sawyer that they have to go an arrest Bad Ass Sayid for shooting Keamy and all those other goons, who were responsible for putting Sun in the hospital.

Sayid tries to make a run for it, but Sawyer, who is cleary the BEST COP IN THE WORLD, catches and cuffs him, just like he did earlier to Kate.  The only difference here, is that Sawyer and Sayid never had Bear Cage Sex in another dimension . . .

Meanwhile, Sane ALSO Pregnant Claire . . .

 .  . .  is heading to the adoption agency to make plans to give up her baby, when she is encountered by an increasingly creepy Desmond, who, seems to have been following her since he ran into her at the airport earlier.  Desmond invites Claire  to accompany him while he goes to visit his lawyer.  Claire, though clearly SANER in this timeline, is just as STUPID as ever, and agrees to Creepy Dessie’s request.  And who’s Dessie’s lawyer, you ask?  Well, Undead (but still boring) Ilana, of course!

Turns out Ilana was LOOKING for Claire.  You see, she was having a meeting with Dr. Jack and his previously nonexistent son . . .

 . . . to read Christian Shepard’s will, which happens to mention Claire in it, because, like Dr. Jack, Pregnant Claire was also Christian’s child. 

 Unfortunately, this dysfunctional family reunion can’t last too long, because Dr. McDreamy Jack gets called away on an impromptu brain surgery (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?). He takes his son along for the ride, and asks him if he minds “hanging out” for a while.  (YEAH!  Because brain surgeries take NO TIME AT ALL!)  Of course, in case you haven’t guessed by now, Jack’s patient is none other than Locke, who Jack suddenly seems to recognize, as he observes him on the operating table.

But where the heck was HURLEY?

MEANWHILE ON THE ISLAND . . .

(1) Sawyer, Kate, Lapidus, HURLEY (There he is!), Sun, Jack, and Crazy Claire (who only got to come because Idiot Kate — who Claire recently tried to KILL — insisted that Looney Tunes be included, because she’s clearly “such a nice girl.”) . . .

“It will be like a SLEEPOVER!  We can put on mud masks (I am already wearing mine), and braid eachother’s greasy, unwashed hair!”)

 . . . anyway . . . the group ditched MIB, and hopped aboard an abandoned yacht in search of a quick and painless island escape.  Wishy Washy Jack, however, ultimately opted to jump ship and return to the island, because  . . .  who the heck knows what his crazy rationale was for doing that!  Something about the island “not being done with him yet.”  WHATEVER!  Jack obviously attends the same Island Academy of Stupid, as Kate and Claire.

“I CAN’T Leave NOW!  It took me WEEKS to establish this even of a base tan!”

(2) Even though MIB left Desmond alive in the well, Zombie Sayid, may or may not have KILLED him at MIB’s request.  I’m guessing NOT . . .  because I think there is hope for Sayid’s humanity, yet.  As the always optimistic Hurley said, “People DO come back from the darkside.  Look at Anakin!”)

“OK, Hurley.  I love you.  But maybe that was a bad example.  You DO know those were PREQUELS, right?”

(3) Jin and Sun FINALLY reunited!  

And Sun remembered how to speak English!  And at first it was SWEET, and then it got kind of nauseating . . . And then, Sawyer gave Kate this longing, unrequited love-type look, and I melted into an ooey gooey puddle all over again.

(4) Oh!  And Widmore’s Team Subbie . . .

 . . . led by Zoey (Why the heck is this mediocre actress getting SO MUCH play on this awesome show, when she is SO NOT TINA FEY?)  . . .

IMPOSTER!

 .  . . busied itself by generally being crappy to EVERYBODY.  First, it broke its promise to Sawyer’s crew, by holding it at gunpoint.  Then it BLEW UP MIB’s crew!  These guys are SO EVIL they make Crazy Claire look like Alice in Wonderland  . . .

This is a photo of Claire, after a LONG overdue visit with her personal stylist . . .

(5) MIB (possibly) secured Jack as his titular “Last Recruit.”   He did this by, first, informing him that the image of Jack’s dad — who Jack kept seeing on the island — was none other than Smokey himself;

and, then by rescuing him from being blown to bits by the Team Subbie bomb.  MIB LITERALLY carries Jack on his back to get him out of harm’s way.  “You’re with ME now,” explains MIB, as he leans (lovingly?) over a dazed Jack in the episode’s chilling final moments.  (Long term romantic relationships have begun over much LESS  . . .)

“Yes, I’ll marry. you.  But, just so you know, I DON’T DO WINDOWS!”

That’s all she wrote folks.  Tune in next week, when we will HOPEFULLY find out what happened to Sideways Hurley and Libby (if anything), as well as Island Desmond.  I’m secretly hoping they will also finally OFF that annoying Zoey character, next week, and replace her with something more exciting to watch, like, for example, paint drying on a wall  . . .

 

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Oh no, Mr. Bill (Henrickson)!: A Recap of Big Love’s “Blood Atonement”

OHHHH NOOO!  Things aren’t going so well for the Henrickson clan!  But, hey, at least they have all their limbs in tact, which is more than I can say for SOME people on this show. . .

When I think back on this week’s installment of “Big Love,” the first word that comes to mind is “bizarro.”  In fact, if there was a camera on me while I was watching “Blood Atonement,” I probably would have looked a lot like this . . .

Yeah, I’m a monkey.  Got a problem with that?

But if I HAD to pick a theme for this episode, it would probably be “family”  — more specifically, the lengths a person will go to

save it . . .

seek vengeance on its behalf . . .

or prevent it from running her mildly successful jewelry business into the ground, by outing her as a polygamist.

So, without further adieu, let’s check in with our favorite family to find out who got married, who got knocked up,  who almost got blown up, who has an “unhappy uterus,” and who is no longer capable of clapping . . .

Oh Baby!

Apparently, Nikki will not be having one of these any time soon . . . but someone else will.

For some time now, our favorite second wife, Nikki Grant, has been receiving pressure from her sister wives to conceive.  At first, Nikki was hell bent against it, even going as far as to sneak birth control pills behind Bill’s back.  Now, however, Nikki is suddenly desperate to conceive.  Unfortunately, Heavenly Father has other ideas.   

Nikki’s doctor informs her that, having reached the ripe old age of 30ish, she has suddenly developed  . . .

 . . . an unhappy uterus (thus proving you can find ANYTHING in Google Images).

Speaking of uteruses (uteri?), you know who has the most cheerful uterus in the world?  Nikki’s Mommy, Adaleen, of course!  Given that she has a 30ish daughter, I’m guessing Adaleen is probably somewhere in her 50’s, just a wee bit past prime child-birthing age.  And yet, lo and behold, she is pregnant.  It’s a MIRACLE! 

Or is it?  J.J. was acting very strangely when discussing Adaleen’s pregnancy with his sister.  Plus, I didn’t trust that baby-faced “family doctor” to whom J.J. sent Adaleen (Nikki visited him later for help with her own infertility woes) as far as I could throw him.  

It may be too soon to tell what the heck is going on here.  However, my guess is that J.J. paid off that squirmy doc to inseminate Adaleen, in some strange and complicated ploy to either screw with Nikki or somehow become Prophet.  That being said, I am more than a bit worried for Nikki right now.  With J.J. watching her every move, an  “Unhappy Uterus” is  the least of her problems . . .

Holy Nuptials!

In other pregnancy news, erstwhile fourth wife Anna still has a bun in the oven, and Barb is still trying to get her holier-than-thou mitts on it.  “The Crazy Lady wants me to drink the Kool Aid again,” explains Anna in Russian to her vaguely attractive, but kind of dirty- looking fiancé, when Barb barges into the couple’s home for what feels like the 20,000th time this season, and begs Anna to reconsider her decision.

Anna explains that her fiancé, who is studying to become a doctor (yeah because this guy has PROFESSIONAL written all over him . . . PROFESSIONAL HITMAN), is in danger of being deported.  Therefore, the two of them must leave the country ASAP.  Seeing the writing on the wall for her jewelry business, should Bill win the Senatorial election and out the entire family as polygamists, Margene comes up with a thoughtful, if not entirely altruistic, solution. 

SHE will marry Anna’s fiancé!  This way, he and Anna will get to stay in the country!  Anna’s fiancé can become the doctor he always dreamed of being!  (Ha ha)  Bill and Barb can get to screw up yet another child!  And, most importantly, Margene can continue selling cheap bracelets on the Home Shopping Network!  EVERYBODY WINS !

Except, I’m not sure Barb would agree.  Then again, she has her own crap to deal with — or, as they say in the casino world . . .

Oh Craps!

Remember last week, when I warned Barb to beware of evil little women bearing sweet gifts?

She didn’t listen.  Back at the casino, Barb and Tommy (I hate to say it, but these two are actually really hot together and they haven’t even kissed yet) have their hands full with a right-wing extremist group that is loudly boycotting the casino.  Unfortunately, now that they actually need her, their high- priced media whore publicist, Marilyn, is no where to be found.  Things really get out of hand when the casino receives a bomb threat and has to be evacuated.

In an effort to reach some sort of compromise, Barb contacts the head of the extremist group, while the latter is on business in Scotland.  However, the Right Wing Nut Job denies playing any role in the bomb fiasco, and refuses to help.  When Barb learns that Marilyn is also in Scotland, she puts two and two together, and figures out that Marilyn is in cohoots with the Right Wing Nut Job. 

Her and Tommy have been set up!  Marilyn is EVIL!  I’m SHOCKED!  (NOT!)

Aye Chihuahua!

“We’re not in Utah anymore, Tito.”

While Barb is busy mucking things up at the casino, Bill and Joey are traveling down to Mexico to rescue Ma and Pa Looney Tunes and Bill’s oldest son, Ben, from that dastardly polygamist, Hollis Green and his wife, who reminds me of someone, but I can’t quite place her . . .

Oh yeah, that’s the one!

Anyway, Ma, Pa, Ben, and Pa’s other wife, Jodeen, are holed up in Green’s Mexican compound awaiting “trial,” while Bill and Brother Joey try to come up with a plan.  Joey, still peeved at the Greens for their role in his almost-wife Cathy’s death, literally wants to go in with guns blazing.  (He found Pa’s stash in the trunk of his car.  Apparently, Ma and Pa Looney Tunes were not ONLY smuggling birds across state lines, but weapons too)  Bill, however, has other ideas . . .

Leaving a very angry Joey behind, Bill sneaks onto the compound and almost manages to escape with his brood, when Hollis and his wife catch them.  Hollis deems the escape the ultimate betrayal, and wishes to execute Ma, Pa, Ben, and Jodeen ASAP.  In an odd moment of self-sacrifice, the typically self-absorbed Bill offers to give his own life for that of his family.  Just when it looks as though Hollis is about to . .  .

 . . . his arm falls off .  . . no really, it does.  Ma Henrickson may be a bad parent; she may be really lousy at bird smuggling, but, apparently, she has a unique talent for swordplay.  The now One-Armed Hollis crumples to the floor, and Pat Mrs. Green truly appears anguished over her husband’s agony.

Bill explains to Mrs. Green that her husband should be able to live, and may even be able to salvage his arm, but only if she gets him to a doctor ASAP.  That means setting the Henricksons free.  Fortunately, Mrs. Green chooses her husband, because I REALLY couldn’t take another Mexico-based episode of this show . . .

So, what did you think?  Were you  getting as sick of Mexico as I was?  Will Hollis be able to reattach his arm?  And what the heck is the deal with Preggers Adaleen?

 

 

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