Tag Archives: Bon Temps

What Lies Beneath – A Recap of True Blood’s Season 3 Finale “Evil is Going On”

Tonight’s Season Finale dealt mainly with the types of things that are hidden beneath the surface.  They can be “hidden” in the literal sense,

Oh hi, Russell!  I didn’t see you there!

 . . . the geographic sense,

Welcome to Hicksville, U.S.A.

 . . . or the internal sense.

Inner Fairy

Inner Dick

However, perhaps, the most pernicious things hidden beneath the surface are secrets.  And it was those secrets that truly drove tonight’s episode.

Another F&cked Up Fairytale . . .

“Beam me up, Fairy!”

The episode opens with yet another one of those trippy fairy dream sequences that have become so prevalent, during the latter half of this season.  Sookie is frolicking in the forest, when she comes across what appears to be a giant chandelier, descending from the sky.

Don’t buy it, Sookie!  The monthly electric bill alone would kill you.

Sookie looks in awe at the beautiful alien chandelier for a few moments, before closing her eyes.  Then, unfortunately, the beautiful image is replaced by a much less attractive one . . .

No, this picture is not inverted.  That is actually how Bill’s head looked in the screencap.

Sookie is not at all happy to be woken up from Fairly Land, and she lets Bill know it.  “You f*ckin betrayed me again,” she growls at Bill.  (Damn straight, Sista!)

“I wuz jes trah-ing to pro-tect yuuu, AGIN!”  Bill replies.

They spar a bit longer.   However, when Sookie learns from Pam that the future love of her life (Eric) is outside getting one hell of a sun tan, she leaves Bill’s mopey butt, and dashes out of Fangtasia, to save her man.

What’s with Sookie doing so much running in this episode?  Can’t fairies fly?

They have wings, don’t they?

Sookie finds Eric, whose massive sunburn makes him look a bit like a teenager with a really bad case of acne.  In fact, it was probably the first time in Alexander Skarsgard’s life that he didn’t look the least bit sexy.

Don’t worry, Eric!  A few dabs of Proactive will clear that right up!

While Sookie pouts, and tries to figure out how to move the six plus feet of pure sex that is Eric’s bod, Russell taunts her mercilessly about not using her Fairy Glow Fingers to save him.  Though not AT ALL in a position to threaten, Ballsy Russell tells Sookie that he will kill everyone she loves, if she doesn’t use her magic.

I use this picture of Russell, because it’s the only I could find to show him burning.  But this screencap MASSIVELY overestimates his appearance.  Here is a more accurate represenation . . .

While all this is going on a delirious Eric is talking to the apparation of his daddy . . .

. . . who has taken time out of his busy Angeling Schedule to lecture Eric about being good, kind, and forgiving, and blah, blah, blah . . . I almost fell asleep typing that.

Papa Killjoy

Finally, Sookie figures out how to be a fairy!

She uses her Glow Fingers to toss Russell against a fence, and break the silver chains encircling Eric.  She then drags him inside.  As Eric is in desperate need of blood, Sookie has Bill bite her arm to release some.  She  instructs Bill to keep watch on Eric to make sure he doesn’t accidentally drain the life out of her, like Bill did a few episodes ago.  Ever, the gentleman, Eric maintains his control, taking just enough blood from Sookie’s arm to clear up the acne on his face.  The feeding scene is sweet, and VERY sexy.  MOMMY LIKE!

Yes, boys and girls, arm sucking is the Gateway to Sex!

Once Eric is back to his gorgeous self . . .

 . . . he informs the group that he has to go save Russell, because Ghost Dad told him to do so.  Pam, is not cool with that AT ALL.  “He killed your family.  Rip off his f*cking head,” she says. 

I love Pam.

The only LIVING being in the bunch, Sookie, reluctantly runs outside AGAIN, to grab Russell . . .

 . . . and bring him back inside Fangtasia.

But, alas, just when the party is really getting started, the vampires realizes that they must “go to ground.”  Eric asks Sookie to watch Russell, since she is the only human-ish person he can’t glamour.  Sookie does not care for this idea one bit.  “I’m not babysitting this f*cker, while you all take a nap!”  She whines.  (Have you ever noticed that they say f*ck a lot on this show?)

Bill offers to stay with her while she watches the Russell Steak thaw, but she denies his ass.

Adventures in Babysitting

In a fun, but slightly disturbing scene, Russell attempts to bargain with Sookie for his release, while she boredly reads the latest issue of US Weekly.  Interestingly enough, she requests: $7 million, Russell’s home in Mississippi, and  . . . the DEATHS of Bill and Eric.

But then she changes the subject, turning her attention to Russell’s prized container of Talbot Soup. . .

I taste delicious when sprinkled with some oyster crackers.

Sookie inquires why Russell has been carrying Talbot Soup around so long.  He admits that he hopes that Sookie’s fairy blood will help to restore Talbot from the viscous liquid he is now, to the adorable, fashion advice-giving stallion he was a few episodes back.  So, Sookie, laughing maniacally the whole time, POURS TALBOT DOWN THE SINK!

“Ick!  When’s the last time Eric had his pipes cleaned?  This place is rank!”

And that was when any hope I had of an Eric / Talbot Revenge Sex Reunion literally went right down the drain . . .

Sam’s Grand Redemption Tour

If you recall, during the last episode, a drunk and belligerent Sam made a buttload of enemies, by more or less insulting all of Bon Temps.  Then he screwed Tara . . .

Apparently, there is nothing like a good roll in the hay with someone just as f*cked up as you are, to help you see the world in a new light.  The following morning, Sam is all happy, perky, and well-adjusted.  He’s making his hot cakes, with bacon grease.  Because, “it’s all about the bacon grease.”

See, personally, I think hot cakes are all about the syrup . . . but that’s just me.

In fact, Sam is in such a good mood, he decides to give Tara a pep talk about starting a new life, and banishing the demons of her past.  (Because those who CAN do, and those who CAN’T teach . . .)  Sam also confesses to Tara that he is a shapeshifter, to which she responds “Shut the f*ck up!”

Coincidentally, “Shut the F*ck Up” just so happens to also be the title of Tara’s upcoming autobiography . . .

Once Sam is done rocking Tara’s world, he heads over to Terry’s house to apologize for calling him a headcase and firing him the night before.  When Sam finds Terry crying on the porch, he immediately thinks  its because of his own drunken rampage.

“You’re so vain.  You probably think this tantrum’s about you . . .”

As it turns out, Terry is crying tears of JOY!

Oddly enough, Terry seems to be the ONLY person living in Bon Temps who is GENUINELY HAPPY!  (Weird, I know.)  He shares with Sam his good news about his Devil Baby still being alive, and his future stepkids being OK.  But what pleased ME most was Terry’s positive report on Felix the Armadillo, who I have been worried about terribly, since he was mentioned once during Season 1 and then never again . . .

It lives!  Hooray!

Sam goes to visit Tommy next . . .

. . . but the little Doggie Dude is missing, and seems to have ransacked his living quarters.  At Merlotte’s, Sam learns that Tommy has also emptied out the ENTIRE safe of all cash.  So, Sam hunts down Tommy in the forest with his trusty gun.

 Talk about handling things the WRONG way!  It was so very obvious that Tommy took the money, because he had no other way of supporting himself, but dog fighting.  The kid can’t even READ for crying out loud!  All Sam had to do to get his money back, was rehire Tommy, and ask him to come back home.  But he didn’t.  He just threatened him . . . with a GUN!

So, when Tommy told Sam that the latter didn’t have the guts to shoot him, and walked away cash in hand, Sam called his bluff  . . . and shot him. 

Now, I know we are supposed to believe Sam KILLED his own brother over a bit of petty cash and some lame insults.  However, the scene didn’t fool me for a second.  I’m thinking Sam shot Tommy in the foot to incapacitate him.  This way, he could get back his money, and bring Tommy back home.  But, I’ve been wrong before . . .  (By the way, if both Sam and Tommy wanted to out run eachother, why didn’t each just shapeshift into a fast animal?)

Fang-intervention

“Is this thing on?”

Speaking of guns, up until this episode, Self-Righteous Witch Maxine Fortenberry was just about the last person I would have expected to purchase one.  That is, until the end of the episode, when she DID.  If you recall, last week, Maxine and Summer banded together to “save” Hoyt from the clutches of Vampire Jessica. 

Because Hoyt and Vampire Jessica are currently the cutest vampire / human couple on the PLANET . . .

 (remember, Sookie and Eric aren’t technically together . . . yet), we hope Maxine’s PLAN fails miserably.  So, far ait has.  Maxine’s Big Idea was to stage an “intervention” at Hoyt’s job . . .

Most Pathetic Attendance at an Intervention EVER!

Heading up the intervention is Hoyt’s high school guidance counselor, who has NO experience in psychological counseling whatsoever.  Hoyt, who, by the way, is looking INCREDIBLY sexy and buff, this episode . . .

 (maybe it all that vampire blood he ingested) . . . told the Intervention Crew in no uncertain terms that he loved Vampire Jessica, and anyone who didn’t approve of that, might as well get out of his life.  Mama Maxine tried to win him over with threats of disownment.  However, seeing as Hoyt is now financially independent, and has his own place, there was nothing Maxine could say to change his mind.  The fact that Maxine is such an odios poopyhead, certainly didn’t help matters .  . .Hoyt then gallantly told Summer that he wished her the best, and hope she met the perfect guy one day (a male porcelain doll, perhaps?), before stalking off. 

Later, in a very sweet scene, Hoyt surprises Jessica, by inviting her to live in a brand new apartment that he rented just for the two of them . . .

When Jess comments that she can’t live without him, Hoyt replies that she’ll never have to.  (Ummmm, yeah, except she’s IMMORTAL and your NOT, so . . .)  Logistics of vampire / human relationships aside, the way that statement was made, while the camera lingered on a strange item on Hoyt’s new living room floor, and the way the scene immediately shifted to Maxine and her “target practice” made me worry about Hoyt’s fate in a way that I haven’t before . . . particularly, since, another fairly major character from the books, unceremoniously bit the dust this week.

“My name is Jason”

Jason Stackhouse: Guardian and Protector of all things trailer trashy

After seeing the DEA piling into to squad cars, right outside the police precinct . . .

 . . . and speaking with Andy, who inadvertently revealed that there would be a raid on the trailers at Hotshot that day, Jason jumps into action.

He and Crystal head to Hotshot, to warn the all the inbreds to hide their meth and V stashes . . .

. . . though initially skeptical, the “Hotshots” eventually agree to hide their stash.  But then, a hopped-up-on-V, Crazy Felton leaps into the scene, inexplicably shooting Calvin Norris dead.  He then threatens to kill everyone, if Crystal doesn’t go with him, and leave town with the massive V stash.  Jason pulls out the classic, “You’ll have to kill me first,” line, but Crystal has other plans . . . 

I’ve gotta say, sex with Crystal must be FABULOUS.  

How else could she possibly get Jason to agree to become King of the Trailer Park?  Because that pretty much looks like the WORST JOB EVER.    Nevertheless, the position does have ONE job perk that Jason might enjoy.  This will probably be the only workplace on the planet where Jason Stackhouse is the SMARTEST GUY IN THE ROOM  . . .

In Other News . . .

Before I get back to Sookie, and the Main Event, lets get some of the less important (and less interesting) storylines out of the way, shall we. 

“Just keep smoking up, Tara.  Because if ANYONE needs to loosen up, it’s YOU!”

You know your character is going through a storyline dryspell, when it’s the SEASON FINALE of a show, and the most exciting thing you do during the ENTIRE HOUR is give yourself a bad haircut, one that makes you look a bit like Vanessa Huxtable from The Cosby Show.

 . . . which would be fine, if it were still 1988.

(Based on some of the message board comments, I know some of you out there really liked the new ‘do.  But it just really didn’t work for me.  Sorry!)

After not-so-subtly saying what sound like final goodbyes to Sookie and her mother (What?  NO Lafayette?), we last see Tara driving off into the sunset.  Hopefully, she’s just going to the beauty salon to FIX THAT HAIR, and isn’t gone for good . . .

Speaking of Lafayette .  . .

. . . he’s still tripping on the aftershocks of that V he took with Jesus.  And now, it’s making him see auras (?), secrets(?), hallucinations(?) — it’s hard to tell exactly what.  All I know is his visions involved Sam with blood on his hands, and an evil murderous Rene strangling, Arlene and warning Lafayette that he is INSIDE of her.  The fact that both visions are ostensibly TRUE (Sam shot his ex and her boyfriend, and, possibly Tommy.  And Arlene DOES seem to have a Devil Baby.), just makes this whole storyline even stranger.

Fearing he is going schizo like his mother, a very freaked out Lafayette seeks help from Jesus . . .

 . . . but THIS GUY comes instead . . .

The OTHER Jesus explains that Lafayette’s visions will calm down once Lafayette learns how to use MAGIC to control them.  Yes, apparently, Jesus is a WITCH . . . .

 . . . meaning, maybe, Lafayette is one too.  Geez, is ANYONE just plain human on this show, anymore?

Sookie de-friends ALL vampires on Facebook / joins Fairy Group.

“It’s complicated.”

Back at Fangtasia, Sookie is babysitting Russell still, when Alcide ARRIVES!

 . .. and he is looking so INSANELY GORGEOUS that Ginger can’t help but scream like a fangirl at the sight of him.

 .  . . OK .  . . that wasn’t why she screamed.  But that would have made a lot more sense. 

Alcide wasn’t even in werewolf form.  What the heck is so frightening about a modelesque hunk with perfect abs?  Seriously, Ginger.  Overreact much?  Did you forget you are working in the same room with someone who LITERALLY looks like this?

Anyway, apparently, Eric invited Alcide over to watch Sookie.  (This also didn’t make any sense, seeing as Eric himself appeared, just moments later.)  But, hey, no complaints here!  Alcide and Sookie flirt a bit, which is always fun to watch.  “You in trouble again?”  He asks wryly.

“When am I not in trouble,” she replies smirking.

Alcide REALLY turns on the charm.   And Sookie, who, at this point, is pretty much pissed at every other man on the show, is not immune.  “Why do you have to be such a good guy, right now?”  She asks.

“I am always a good guy,” replies Alcide matter-of-factly.

“I may be a GOOD GUY, but I can still do BAD THINGS with YOU, Miss Stackhouse!”

Unfortunately, Sookie’s and Alcide’s brief hot moment is interrupted by the return of the vamps, who have come to take Russell to his “final death.”

Still pissed, Sookie makes a point to rescind all preexisting vampire invites to her home.  This causes a smug smile to erupt on Alcide’s face, and causes Bill to glare at his would-be werewolf replacement.  “When you two are finished eye-f*cking eachother, can we go?”  Eric inquires impatiently.

(Honestly, I’d take a good eye f*ck from Alcide, any day!)

Wouldn’t you?

Outside Fangtasia, Alcide announces that his father’s debt to Eric has officially been paid off, and his time being Vampire B*tch is DONE.   Boy do we hope he’s lying, because we LOVE our, Alcide! 

“Oh, he’ll be back.  Even the toughest of werewolves can’t resist the charms of a fairy . . .”

Bill and Eric drop Russell into a cement pit.  Russell threatens that, when he gets out in 100 years (a “nap” for a vamp), he will wreak even more havoc on all of them.  Bill and Eric don’t really seem to care.

Eric is about ready to flip the switch, when Godric arrives AGAIN to bore us with his annoying pleas for peace and love.   Did you ever see those cartoons, where the angel sits on one of the main character’s shoulders, and the devil sits on the other?   But the angel is always so self-righteous and lame, that if you didn’t want to see the character sin before, you REALLY want him to sin, after the exchange is over? 

 Oh yeah, that’s Godric, in this episode . . .

Dear sweet, Godric.  You were so much more fun, when you tragically sacrificed yourself to the Sun, causing Sookie and Eric to almost have sex, as a result . . .

Ever the petulant teen, Eric disregards his “father’s good advice” and he and Bill flip the switch, covering Russell in cement.  (Wouldn’t it have been easier just to bake him in the sun, when the episode started?)  Then Bill surprises Eric, by offering him a hand to shake.  However, when Eric takes that hand, Bill tosses him into the cement, and flips the switch AGAIN!

Not cool, Vampire Bill!

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the so-called “kinder, gentler” vamp, steals Eric’s cell phone, and orders a hit on Pam, impersonating Eric to do it.  Next, Bill visits Sookie, explaining to her that he has killed Eric. Furthermore, he will kill ANY vampire who has tasted her blood, or just knows that she is a fairy (like Pam), because none of these vamps will ever be able to resist her once they know.  (Ummm, Bill?  Doesn’t that definition include YOU?)

(Why do I suddenly feel like I’m watching a Lifetime Movie, and the crazy stalker boyfriend who’s just been dumped has uttered the oh-so-cliched “If I can’t have her, no one can!” line.)

But Sookie, ever the glutton for punishment, is obviously turned on by stalker / murderer types.  Because she rushes right back into his arms.  And then Eric magically appears . . .

 . . . looking hotter than ever, with strategically placed bits of cement on his face and in his hair. 

Question:  If both Eric and Pam (as we find out later in the episode) could break through cement in a relatively short amount of time, aren’t we to assume Russell can too?

Eric has come to get back his phone, and to tell Sookie the truth about Bill.  Apparently, not only did he EXPLICITLY court Sookie, solely at the behest of Sophie Anne, who wished to procure a fairy for her collection.  He also orchestrated the whole vampire blood drainer attack from the pilot episode, to get her to feed him her blood, thus forging the initial connection between them.

WOW!  I really didn’t think Alan Ball had it in him, given his insane and irrational love for Vampire Bill.  And yet, Ball has managed to make the Bill character EVEN MORE DEVIOUS than he was in the books!  Color me impressed!

And I have to say, my heart really went out to Sookie, who was genuinely shocked and heartbroken by this admission.  Our Favorite Fairy promptly rescinded her home invitation to both Bill and Eric once again.  She then told Bill, in no uncertain terms, that she never wants to see him again.  “Go back to Hell where you came from you f*cking undead piece of sh*t!”  She yells tearfully. 

To his credit, Eric does not appear the least bit pleased with his moral victory over the Man Who Tried to Kill Him.  And it is Eric’s genuine guilt over hurting Sookie that makes me KNOW that those two have a genuine shot together.  “It pains me to see you suffer like this.  I thought you had a right to know,” the Viking Vamp says solemnly, before quietly leaving Sookie’s property. 

The episode ends with Vampire Bill, dumped, demoralized, and with nothing to lose, challenging Sophie Anne . . .

 to a . . . flying contest?

Something tells me Vigilante Bill is going to be WAY more fun to watch than Mopey Boyfriend Bill.  Just saying . . .

Oh, and then Sookie communes with the fairies, in the cemetery, while visiting her Granny’s grave . . .

 . . . she then disappears inside the Giant Chandelier . . .

So, that was it . . . That’s all the True Blood we’re going to get, until next summer.  I for one was expecting a more action packed finale, with a few more questions answered. Honestly, this didn’t really feel like “season ending” episode to me.

 And yet, there were parts of this episode I really liked  — most notably, the return of Alcide, and the final confrontation between Sookie, Bill and Eric, which, for me, had been a LONG time coming.  Not to mention that if Season 4 of True Blood is ANYTHING like Book 4 of the series on which the show is based, then we have A LOT of fun coming our way . . . 😉

Well, that’s all I have to say about “Evil is Going On.”  Now, it’s your turn Fangbangers.  What did you think of the episode?  Were you as underwhelmed as I was?  Or was there some brilliance to it all that I missed?  Perhaps, more importantly, what do you think will happen to our favorite Bon Temps residents, next year?  And how are you planning to pass the time, until then?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under Spoilers and Sneak Peaks, True Blood

Trust me! I won’t bite! – A Recap of True Blood’s “Fresh Blood”

Eric Northman:  Making mouths (and other body parts) happy since 950 A.D.

Tonight’s episode of True Blood belonged to Eric Northman, and, by extension to Alexander Skarsgard.  He was the one calling the shots.  His lead was the one that everybody followed.  His storyline was the only one that seemed to have any significant plot development.  Not that there is anything wrong with that . . .

And yet, despite Eric’s storyline being the most intriguing and forward moving, there WERE other things going on in this episode.  And if I had to tie them together somehow, I would say they all related to the theme of “Trust” (or, in some characters’ case, a lack thereof).  So, before we get on to the MAIN EVENT, lets take a look at the opening acts.  Shall we?

Performance Enhancement

“Performance enhancement?  I don’t need any of that sh*t!  I’m Jason F*cking Stackhouse, and I PERFORM just fine, if you catch my drift . . .”

“Well . . . most of the time.”

When we last left Jason, he was coping with a “wild animal problem.”

Crystal made for a pretty funky CGI-looking panther, didn’t she?  Those of us who read this books knew it was coming, but that didn’t make it any less bizarre seeing it on the small screen.  And, I don’t know about you, but was I the only one who was hoping she’d be pink?

“Take me, Jason!  I’m a REAL sex kitten!  And I’ve got nine lives.  You know what that means . . .”

So, anyway, Jason is having a little bit of trouble wrapping his head around the whole “Werepanther Thing.” 

“Trailer Trash Barbie say WHAT?”

(Other things Jason has had trouble wrapping his head around:  the “addition thing,” the “subtraction thing”, the “reading books that don’t contain pictures” thing, the “having sex with more than one person in a 24-hour period makes you slutty” thing . . .)

Crystal is a bit insulted that Jason isn’t totally down with her offers of bestiality.  “I told you I had secrets.  You said you were OK with it,” she whines.

“I thought it was shoplifting or something,” argues Jason. 

Then the two resort to name-calling and petty insults.  Jason calls Crystal a “Meth Dealer’s Daughter”  . . .

 . . . and Crystal accuses Jason of not being a “man.”

“Oh no, you didn’t!”

But before any “catfights” break out, Jason detracts his claws, and apologizes for not being more understanding of Crystal’s “predicament.”  “I’m sorry, Crystal.  My brains feel like Scrambled Eggs right now,” he explains.

“Nice Jason!  Way to pick on the guy you just shot.  And I’m not ‘scrambled!”  The appropriate word is ‘decomposing,’ thank you very much!”

Then, Crystal begs Jason to help her stop the raid on her family’s meth lab, in order to “save the children.”  Jason is willing to consider it.  But right now, he has more important things to do like head to the high school football field and re-live his Glory Days  find Sookie.

While Jason is driving around searching for  Sookie, he just so happens to wind up back at his only high school football field.  (Riiiiight, because there’s nothing that murderous bloodthirsty vampires love more, than tossing around the ole’ pigskin.)  There, he spies his mancrush archrival highschool football star Kitch.

I’m sorry, but what kind of name is that?  Is that supposed to be short for “kitchen”?  Perhaps, that was where he was conceived?  Whatever, it is, I don’t like it.  Fortunately, I’ve come up with a new name for Jason’s mancrush archrival, Douchey McTeen.

So, Jason watches Douchey McTeen toss around the pigskin for a while with his minions butt buddies friends, and figures out that Douchey’s “talents” can only be attributed to one thing: excessive V usage.  Jason confronts Douchey, and is all, “That’s not FAAAAIIIIR!  You’re a CHEAATTERRR!  I’m TELLING, you stinky Poopy Head!”

 Unfortunately for Jason, everybody already seems to know about Douchey McTeens steroids V problem.  In fact, his coach, the school principal, even his own parents ENCOURAGED it.  Plus, apparently, unlike other performance enhancing drugs, V is completely undetectable through medical screening.  Poor Jason!  Douchey McTeen is going to take his high school football record away.  And without his football record, what does he have?

I stand corrected!

Summer’s Days are Drifting Away . . .

Speaking of V . . . and perpetual V cards, the adorable Hoyt has just had a taste of both, thanks to the lovely Vampire Jessica.  “I feel muscles in places I didn’t know I had,” exclaims Hoyt.

Mmmmm hmmmm, we bet you do, Lover Boy  — strong, hard . . . muscles.

Coming down off her post-coital high, Vampire Jessica FINALLY confesses to Hoyt about her little “Trucker Snack” from earlier this season.  However, she promises Hoyt that she has since learned to control her feeding, so as to prevent the death of her . . . meals.  “I can’t live on True Blood.  I need human blood.  That’s how it’s always going to be,” she insists.

“So drink me,” whispers Hoyt, as he unbuttons his shirt, illustrating the extent to which he loves and trusts his dear sweet vampire lover.

And that was when the panties of the entire female fanbase of True Blood fell to the floor. 

Jessica straddles Hoyt, and begins kissing him gently, gradually moving up his stomach, toward his neck, where she finally moves in for a big bite.  The whole thing was so hot, I swear, I almost passed out.  Way to go, you two!  May you go on to produce many very attractive vampire babies . . .

Meanwhile, Summer . . .

 . . . whose offers of biscuits, a nude body, her virginity, and lots of antiques and porcelain dolls, had failed miserably in winning over Hoyt’s heart, still had one more desperate trick up her sleeve.  And so, in the middle of the night, she runs crying to the doorstep of Hoyt’s MOTHER!

From the sound of it, Maxine Fortenberry was SO determined that her son NOT end up with the vampire that tried to eat her, she more or less HIRED Summer to seduce Hoyt away from Jessica.  Is that sick or what?  When Summer tells Maxine that she was willing to give up her virginity to her son, Maxine doesn’t even flinch (or laugh, which was what I did, when I heard that).  “I’m sure the Lord will forgive you, even if you are a sinner,” says the self-righteous witch.  “Don’t give up hope yet.  This is not over,” exclaims Maxine triumphantly.

Talk about a Bad Mommy!  I think I liked Maxine better when she was possessed by the Maenad, and obsessed with Bill Compton’s Wii Entertainment System . . .

At least THAT was a game you could win, Honey.  Because you are going to LOSE this one!  Hoyt and Jessica Forever!

She’s STILL having a baby!

Speaking of Bad Mommies . . .

. . . Arlene has been so obsessed with getting rid of her Future Serial Killer Baby . . .

. . . that she seems to have completely forgotten about her other kids!

“Please help us!  We haven’t eaten or bathed since Season 1.”

I love how Arlene commandeered Holly to help her with her “baby situation,” because she doesn’t believe in abortion.  Yes, Arlene, the man (or woman) upstairs would much rather you perform some weird Wiccan ritual to magically kill your baby, than to do it in a doctor’s office.  After cutting out early from work, Arlene follows Witch Holly . . .

. . . out into the woods.  There, the two light candles, sprinkle salt in a circle, and talk to Mother Nature (?), as well as Arlene’s deceased mother.  To complete the ritual, Arlene is told to put her own blood in a cup, and drink this nasty tasting concoction four times a day.  “We did our best. But if the baby is meant to be born, it will be born,” cautions Holly.

“What, no 100% guarantee?  Can I at least get my salt shaker back, if it doesn’t work?”

That night, Arlene has a weird dream about going fishing as a teenager.  In the dream Arlene’s mother is calling to her, but Arlene can’t see her.  She is woken up by Terry, who is freaked out, because Arlene’s nether regions are covered in a pool of blood.  When Arlene tells Terry she might have suffered a miscarriage, the poor man starts blubbering like a baby, which is so sweet, considering he KNOWS now that this isn’t his kid.

At the hospital, Terry continues to bawl, while Arlene, secretly relieved that her plan has worked, tries to prepare him for the worst.  But it’s Arlene who looks ready to cry, when the doctor comes in to deliver the news.  Future Serial Killer Baby LIVES!

Really?  With all that blood?  That is one strong baby! 

Maybe Arlene has been right about this whole “evil spawn” thing, all along!

Two Broken Souls = One Hot Screw

“Let’s make some dysfunctional shapeshifter babies together!”

So, for whatever reason, the True Blood writers have decided that Sam should have a Dark Side.  It inexplicably resurfaced two episodes ago, when Sam, with little provocation, almost beat that meth dealer to death . . .

 . . . then, last week, we learned he was a thief, a con artist and a double murderer . . .

 . . . and this week, we got to  add “mean and belligerent drunk” to this lovely list of qualities growing under Sam’s name. 

(Speaking of Sam’s name, if he was running from the law, don’t you think he should have changed it at some point, rather than . . . I don’t know . . . NAMING A BAR after it.)

So, Sam stumbles into the bar, and starts insulting his customers and staff, like it’s his job.

“Man, you’re ugly,” slurs Sam to one of his patrons.  (How’d you like to be the extra who got saddled with THAT part?)

He then calls Sweet Terry a “Shellshocked” Loser, and Arlene a B*tch.  He also FIRES his little brother Tommy, who’s crestfallen face breaks my heart, as the latter argues feebly that he has no where else to go.

“At least the Mickens always gave me dog bones to chew on.”

And then he told Sookie . . .

 . . . oh wait . . . he didn’t tell Sookie anything . . . because she wasn’t there . . . because she hasn’t worked a day since Season 1.

Eventually, Sam kicks everybody out of the bar, except Tara, because she refuses to leave.

Ummm . . . yeah, because that’s what I like to do on my days off from work – hang out at the office.

As it turns out, Tara’s been having a kind of crappy day herself.  She spends the whole morning crying in front of Eggs’ grave . . .

She then tearfully confronts Andy about his “taking credit” for Eggs’ murder.  After that, she drowns her sorrows in tequila, as her and Sam wax poetic about what not-nice people they are.  And, let me tell you, nothing says “lets bone” like a conversation in which both parties prove themselves to be total and complete a*sholes.  But bone they do, and it’s hardcore — like something straight out of a porno . . . Not that I would know ;).

“Oh yeah!  I needed a cigar after that one!”

Welcome to LaLa Land

“It’s OK.  We don’t understand our storyline either . . .”

So, while his cousin Tara was busy getting laid, Lafayette was busy . . . umm . . . NOT getting laid.  After that one trippy hit, his once holier -than-thou “Just say no to drugs” boyfriend is all about getting more V.  Jesus claims he wants to do it to “reconnect with his family.”  Right, just like those guys who say they read Playboy just “for the articles.”  But Lafayette, or, as he now calls himself, “LaLa” . . .

Lala?  But I thought Tinky Winky was supposed to be the gay one?

 .  . . is hesitant.  And that hesitation is only confirmed when he has a hallucination of Jesus looking like this . . .

Ummm . . . why is Jesus suddenly wearing the Shredder mask from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

More than a bit freaked out, “Lala” kicks Jesus out. But soon after, his toys religious figurines start dancing and talking to him again.  That will teach you to keep creepy figurines in your house, Lafayette.  You should have stuck with the Care Bears . . .

At least they won’t talk back . . .

And finally, the storyline we’ve all been waiting for . . .

Let the Sunshine In .  . .

Since you apparently lack experience in the whole sunlight thing, allow me to enlighten you.  Wearing black?  It’s only going to make you hotter.  (And you are hot enough, as it is.)  Might I suggest a certain Baby Blue Panty Dropper Sweater for your next daytime stroll?

When the episode begins, Beeaaallll heads to Fangtasia in search of Sookehhhhh.  Instead, Bill finds Pam, who beats him up and sprays him in the eye with silver.

Bill whines about how much he loves Sookie and blah, blah, blah.   But Pam isn’t having any of his sappy lovesick B.S.  “This isn’t about your relationship, you infatuated teen!”  She lectures.

Pam then admits to Bill that Eric plans to sacrifice Fairy Sookie to Big Gay Vampire King Russell in order to save his own life.  Meanwhile, down in the dungeon, to everyone’s surprise, the one who ACTUALLY rescues and unchains Sookie is YVETTA!

Sookie and Yvetta commiserate for a bit about what an ASS Eric is, and then they dash upstairs.  Bill then escapes with Sookie, while Yvetta absconds with the cash.  Poor Vampire Pam is left to drown her sorrows in the blood of Screaming Ginger . . .

Meanwhile, Eric is at the Jackson mansion, confronting Russell . . .

Silly, Screwed Up Russell!  Still clutching his Goblet o’ Talbot, he actually seems hurt that anyone would think to betray him in this way.  “Why did you kill Talbot?  He has done nothing to you!”   Russell whines.  (Right, Russell . . . as if that newscaster did anything to you . . .)

As someone who clearly has more patience, and less of an appreciation for the ironic than I do, however, Eric is willing to explain.  “You killed my parents, in order to obtain my father’s crown for your vast collection of meaningless sh*t,” he offers.

Meaningless sh*t, indeed.

Russell plans to kill Vampire Eric immediately, for his transgression.  However, Eric makes him an offer he can’t refuse.  The wise Viking entices Russell, with talk of vampires walking in the sun.  He asks for an extra day of life to prove he is telling the truth.  Russell agrees. 

That night, Russell and Eric literally hold up a car . . .

The car contains within it Bill and Sookie.  And the action thankfully interrupts the two from their cheesy conversation about what they would do, if they were a NORMAL couple.  (Bill as a school teacher?  PLEASE!  Mr. Compton can barely take care of Baby Vamp Jessica, let alone a classroom full of young kids he wants to eat.)

Sookie looks genuinely  freaked out that two  vampires are “high” jacking her car.  Bill just looks bored . . .

Russell and Eric hop in the car, and the foursome head back to Fangtasia.  There, Vampire Eric stages a fake fight with Bill, so that he can inform the latter of his ingenious, but risky, plan to save Sookie and kill Russell, in the process.  Meanwhile, Russell drags Sookie inside. 

At Fangtasia, Eric explains to Russell that Sookie is part-fairy, and that fairy blood is, as Sookie so eloquently put it, some form of vampire sunscreen . . .

Eric also admits that he learned this important piece of information from Vampire Bill, who spent some time in the sun after ALMOST KILLING Sookie!

Sookie is not pleased about these recent developments, as they, once again, illustrate Vampire Bill’s penchant for lying to her, and keeping secrets from her.  Unfortunately, however, Sookie doesn’t really have a say in what’s about to happen to her next.  The Fairy Waitress is forced to lay flat on a bar table.  The oh-so-gallant Russell, waits for Eric to take the first bite.  However, Eric hesitates, undoubtedly, thinking about “other” things . . .

Eventually, Russell grows impatient and takes the first bite himself, with Eric reluctantly following suit.  So much blood is taken, that Sookie eventually falls unconscious . . .

Pam and Eric then head off to a backroom to set up the security cameras, and prepare Eric to take his first walk outside, thus proving to Russell that it can be done.  An unusually emotional and vulnerable Pam cries tears of blood, at the prospect of losing her maker to the Sun.  “You know I love you more, when you are cold and heartless,” whispers Eric into Pam’s ear, as he brings her in for an affectionate hug.

I LOVE THESE TWO!

With a final goodbye to Pam, Eric takes his first steps outside, and gets a bit emotional, as he meets the Sun for the first time in centuries.  Russell watches in awe and with anticipation, from the security cameras inside Fangtasia. 

Just as Eric’s skin begins to burn, Pam cajoles Russell to follow Eric outside.  Eric turns his head away, praying in an ancient tongue that Russell will not see that he is burning and ruin the whole plan.  When Russell DOES begin to burn, Eric handcuffs himself to the Big Gay Vampire King, and attaches them both to the floor, his once beautiful face now hideously scarred.  “Now we will die together,” Eric says ominously.

We hear Russell’s pitiful screams, as the final credits roll. 

(Wait, couldn’t Eric have just chained Russell to a post and ran back inside?  I don’t really get the whole “dying together thing.”  It seems a bit overdramatic, if you ask me.  It makes for a good ending though . . .)

So, there you have it, the last episode of True Blood, before the Season 3 finale, which is set to air in two weeks.  What did you think?  Are you a fan of the new Dark Drunk Sam?  Are you as confused by “LaLa’s” storyline as I am?  Can you imagine a True Blood without Vampire Eric?  I mean . . . obviously . . . he’s going to survive . . . right?

See, you in two weeks, fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under True Blood

True Blood Dream Casting – J.B. DuRone

One of the fun things, for me at least, about having read Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse Books . . .

. . . prior to watching the True Blood series on HBO  (which is more or less based on those books) . . .

  . . . is the added insight it gives me into these complex television characters, and the fictional lives they are destined to lead in the future.  Sometimes, it makes me feel downright telepathic . . .

Well . . . maybe not telepathic, but at least like someone who has the “inside scoop” on things.

And while Alan Ball has certainly exercised his right to CHANGE a few things from the books, in creating the show . . .

Not DEAD!

Not a mild-mannered, girly-girl clothing store owner.

Will not GO AWAY!

 . . . one thing he HAS adhered to pretty faithfully, is author Charlaine Harris’ colorful cast of characters, and the various ways in which they impact Sookie’s universe.

For this reason, I predict that it won’t be too long, before a certain hunky personal trainer, named J.B. DuRone, graces our television sets on Sunday nights.   (Because, lets face it, Alan Ball LOVES his sexy men!)

For the uninitiated, J.B. DuRone is Bon Temps townie, born and raised in Louisianna.  He was friends with Sookie and Tara back in high school, and even took Sookie to her senior prom.

“Like my pretty prom dress, y’all?  My Grams bought it for me!”

Now, J.B. works as a popular personal trainer at the local Bon Temps gym, and lives in one of those apartments behind Merlotte’s that Sam rents out.  J.B. has always been a loyal friend to Sookie, and even harbored a little crush on her for a short time.  (What guy didn’t in this series?)  Later in the books, he functioned as an unusually healthy and well-adjusted love interest for Perpetual Dater of Losers and Nutjobs, Tara . . .

“It’s about DAMN TIME!”

In terms of character traits, J.B. has a little bit of Jason . . .

 . . . a dash of Hoyt . . .

 . . . and a dollop of Sam . . .

 . . . all rolled into one glorious package.

Like Jason, J.B. has the looks of Hollywood Heartthrob, and the body of a male model.  He also shares Jason’s not-so-keen intellect.  J.B. isn’t exactly the sharpest crayon in the box . . .

And yet, like Hoyt, J.B. is charming, and sweet, and polite, almost to a fault.  He is the quintessential Southern Gentleman.

With Sam, J.B. shares a protective, almost paternalistic, relationship with Sookie (and later with Tara).  He is always ready to help her out of a jam, even if he doesn’t always no HOW to help, or what the heck is going on.

So, of course, all of this begs the question, who should Alan Ball CAST in the role of J.B. DuRone.  Well . . . I’ve got a few ideas . . .

Below you will find my Top Five casting picks (in no particular order) for Bon Temps’ Favorite Bodybuilder.

1) Channing Tatum

Age: 30

Where you’ve seen him before:  the romantic comedy She’s the Man (starring alongside Amanda Bynes), those Step Up dance movies, the action flick, GI Joe, the anti-war drama, Stop Loss, and that chick flick, Dear John.

Why he’d make a great J.B.:

Like J.B., Channing Tatum is a native Southern boy, having grown up in a small Alabama town.  So, not only will Channing be able to effortlessly pull off the Southern charm necessary for this role, he will also be able to provide fans with a remarkably authentic Southern accent, (something which, honestly, is hard to come by on this show).  In addition to all that “Southern stuff,” Channing clearly has the physique of a bodybuilder, and the chiseled looks to match.  A very young-looking 30-year old, Channing is also “age appropriate,” in that he is believable as someone who would have gone to high school with Sookie and Tara.

2) Nick Zano

Age: 32

What you’ve seen him in: the WB sitcom, What I Like About You (also starring Amanda Bynes) and the ABC show, Cougar Town

Why he’d make a great J.B. :

Not to typecast or anything, but the character of J.B. DuRone is remarkably similar to Vince, the character Zano played on What I Like About You.  Both are charming ladies men, who are capable of being disarmed and “tamed” by the right woman.  Both have startlingly beautiful bodies that are painstakingly well-cared for.  And both aren’t too bright, at least in the traditional sense of the word.  Then again, maybe I’m just shamelessly angling for a chance to see Nick on my TV screen again . . .

3) Cam Gigandet

Age: 28

Where you’ve seen him:  the teen drama The O.C., as Bad Ass Bully, Kevin Volchok,  the film Never Back Down, as Bad Ass Bully, Ryan McCarthy, and Twilight, as Bad Ass Vampire, James.  (Notice a pattern here?)  Cam will also be featured in the upcoming movie / musical, Burlesque  and the upcoming teen comedy Easy A.

Why he’d make a great J.B.:

Under that douchey exterior, and penchant for bad boy roles, there’s a heartthrob inside Cam Gigandet, just waiting to get out.  And this is the perfect role to bring it out of him.  True, Cam would probably make for an edgier J.B. DuRone than the one mentioned in Charlaine Harris’ books.  But, then again, to be a believable match for someone as edgy and abrasive as True Blood’s Tara, maybe he will have to be.  I can just imagine the chemistry between Rutina Wesley and Cam Gigandet, and it would SIZZLE!

In terms of physical appearance, Cam has the body of fighter —  someone who spends hours and hours at the gym, just like J.B. DuRone.  In fact, I’ve never seen a film with Cam Gigandet, where he WASN’T throwing a punch, or exposing those enviable abs in some way!  To top it off, Cam is EXACTLY the same age as Anna Paquin and Rutina Wesley, which would work out perfectly for the J.B. character.  Seriously, how often do actors actually get to PLAY characters their own age, anymore?

4) Tom Hardy

Age: 32

Where you’ve seen him: the Guy Ritchie-directed, trippy action-romp, RocknRolla and the recent box office blockbuster, Inception

Why he’d make a great J.B.:

No modern day male actor exudes more inherent masculinity than Tom Hardy.    Ever word out of his mouth, and every inch of his body just screams “MAN!”  This is exactly the type of guy Tara needs in her life.  He is strong, and a protector.  But he is also remarkably stable, and lighthearted.  This is a guy who can soften Tara’s rough edges, and make her laugh.  Yet, when it is necessary, he can also give a royal beatdown to any evil vampire or werewolf stupid enough to get in her way.

5) Joshua Jackson

Age: 32

What you’ve seen him in:   the long running teen drama, Dawson’s Creek, as the loveable hopelessly romantic, Pacey Witter, the sexy teen film, Cruel Intentions, the teen slasher pic, Urban Legends, and currently, the sci-fi mystery-of-the week show, Fringe

Why he’d make a great J.B.:

Joshua Jackson is the ideal TV Boyfriend.  End of story.  In his role as Pacey Witter, we saw Joshua’s ability to melt girls hearts with a single crinkle of the eyebrow, or a knowing smirk, or a gentle touch.  Pacey, though never particularly ambitious or “wise,” in the traditional sense of the word, was a true believer in true love.  And he would sacrifice anything to protect the object of his desire and make her happy.  These are innocent motives he shares with J.B. DuRone, who is also somewhat of a hopeless romantic, with an inherent need to “care” for the women he loves. 

In his more recent roles, Joshua Jackson has had the opportunity to exhibit a manly side.  Sure, he can be soft and cuddly, but he can also be tough.  This is a guy, who’s not afraid to throw a punch, if the recipient truly deserves it.  And I’m pretty sure, J.B. has thrown a few punches in his day too.

So, there you have it.   My casting choices for Charlaine Harris’ loveably lunkhead, J.B. DuRone.  Alan Ball, if you’re reading this . . . take note!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under casting, Spoilers and Sneak Peaks, True Blood

“We are going to EAT YOU!” – A Recap of True Blood’s “Everything is Broken”

OK.  So what’s the deal with Vampires and their Dead People Souvenirs?  I mean, think about it.  We’ve got Russell and his Talbot-filled urn . . .

“I look like a delicious Blood Gelato!”

Eric and his daddy’s crown . . .

and Lorena and her Rib Cage Hat  . . .

You would think that creatures who have been around for hundreds of years would have learned a thing or two about CLOSURE, by now.  Apparently not . . .

The Softer Side of Eric Northman

Yes, I know that Eric and Sookie had NO SCENES together AGAIN this week.  But that doesn’t mean they can’t have scenes together on my blog, dammit!

After watching Eric behave particularly ruthlessly last week (He both hoodwinked the King, AND killed his lover.), it was interesting to see him vulnerable and very much on the defensive, this week.  When the episode begins, Eric Northman is on the run from Russell, with sexy bits of Talbot still hanging off his open-shirted body . . .

In fact, Eric probably could have really used one of THESE, today!   (More wishful thinking on my part.)

By the way, even though I was mourning the noticeable absence of Eric’s Blue Panty Dropper Sweater, this week . . .

Clearly, SOOKIE liked it too!

 . . . the sight of an Open-Shirted Eric on my television screen went a long way in providing ME with closure.  (Not to mention, more dropped panties in the TV Recapper Household.)

But I digress . . . So, Eric rushes into Fangtasia and instructs Vampire Pam that the two of them will need a place to hide, until all of this blows over. 

“They’ll never recognize us in THESE!”

Vampire Pam immediately suggests the duo hide out at Sookie’s house.

But Eric nixes the idea immediately, because that would be the first place Russell would look.

So, Vampire Pam suggests Dumb Waitress Ginger’s house, as a backup plan.

“Ooh, golly!  I just LOVE slumber parties!  I just wish they didn’t always end with me getting an STD . . .”

Unfortunately, before Vampire Pam can glamour Ginger into letting her and Eric stay at her place, the police arrive  . . . The VAMPIRE POLICE, a.k.a. The American Vampire League.

“The clothing may seem like a bit much.  But we just came from eating the cast of The Matrix.  All that tight leather just seemed too good to waste!”

For reasons that escape my understanding, Vampire Nan Flanagan immediately orders one of her crew of extras from Terminator 4 to “silver” Eric, which, I guess, is the vampire equivalent to tasering.

“I’m so friggin constipated!  I KNEW I shouldn’t have eaten Taco Bill for dinner, last night.”

“It’s called Compton-zuma’s Revenge,  b*tch!”

When the “silvering” happens, Ginger starts randomly screaming her head off . . .

I would have HATED to be on set the day they auditioned people for this character.  Can you imagine?  Hours and hours, of women screaming at the top of their lungs.

Yes, Vampire Eric (a.k.a. Mr. Stamina), we know YOU can imagine it very well.

As it turns out, Nan and her Robo Cops aren’t interested in Eric’s role in Talbot’s death at all.  Instead, they are concerned about the death of the Magister.

It’s OK.  I forgot about him too.  With all these pretty dead characters, the average-looking ones often get short shrift.

If you recall, it was Russell, not Eric,  over whom the Magister  . . . um . . . “lost his head” a few weeks back.  Eric tells Vampire Nan and her cronies as much, during his “webcam testimony.”  With a stoic expression that thinly veils his anguish, Eric (in a performance worthy of an Emmy nomination) completely exposes himself to the American Vampire League.  Fighting back bloody tears, Eric tells of his family’s demise by Russell’s army of V- addicted (leaving out, of course, the whole, “I only survived, because I was schtupping the milkmaid” part.) 

He also tells the Vampire League of Russell’s current dealings with werewolves, and his desire to overthrow the Vampire League, thus allowing vampires to walk the world freely, eating whoever they want, whenever they want them.”

“Check me out, on my high horse.”

Eric concludes with a request that he be allowed kill Russell, himself.

Nan agrees to take Eric’s testimony back to the American Vampire League for its review.  However, during that time, Eric and Pam are kept on lockdown at Fangtasia pending a verdict.  Fearing that the League will use Eric as a scapegoat for the Magister’s death, rather then prosecute the powerful King Russell, Eric mentally prepares himself to be put to “final death.”

In yet another emotional scene, Vampire Eric tells Vampire Pam that if he doesn’t make it out of this “trial” alive, Pam should create a new vampire.  “It is time for you to be a Maker,” says Eric, tearfully.

“My future Grandpa is SO HOT!”

It’s interesting that, while Vampire Bill considers his vampiric nature a curse, and was anguished over having to make Vampire Jessica, Vampire Eric clearly has pride in his species, and, apparently, feels some obligation to extend his “familial line” within it.

The next day Nan Flanagan returns to give Vampire Eric the good news.  Not only will he NOT be put to death for killing the Magister (which he didn’t do) or for killing Talbot (which he did), he will also be given free reign by the Vampire League to kill King Russell, provided he does so without the help or outward approval of the League.

“I know what you are . . . (but I plan to drag out telling you for as many episodes as possible).”

“I know something YOU don’t!  I know something YOU don’t!  Nah Nah Nah Nah, Nah, Nahhhh!”

OK.  They’ve officially strung along this “What is Sookie?” mystery for WAY TOO LONG!  With all of this buildup, people are just bound to be disappointed, when they find out the truth.  Anyway, most of Sookie’s storyline this week involved her trying to figure out what exactly she is, and why her gifts seem to be, at least, partially, genetic.  (Jason has yet to exhibit glow fingers, to our knowledge.)

Perhaps, he reserves his glowing for OTHER parts of his anatomy, if you catch my drift . . .

When we first see Sookie, she is taking a bloody shower with Vampire Bill .  . .

Watching this particular “bloody shower” scene reminded me of two things . . . well, images, actually.  Wanna see them?  Sure you do!  Here’s image one . . .

 . . . and here’s (the much nicer) image two . . .

Unfortunately, this was NEITHER of those shower scenes.  In this one, Bill and Sookie exchange quite a bit of blood.  A portion of this is accomplished by Vampire Bill fervently jabbing his bloody finger into Sookie’s gaping wounds.   (Ummm . . . Owww?)  Believe it or not, this kinky sex act is actually crucial to the plot of this episode . . . And, no, I’m not just saying that sarcastically.

When Sookie emerges from her Shower of Pain, she stumbles upon a dead naked dude in her living room.  Now, while the Sookie of previous seasons would likely have reacted to the sight, by doing this . . .

“Beeeeeeeeeeaaaaal!”

 . . . new and improved Sookie just looked kind of bored.

“Dammit!  I ORDERED a TALL naked corpse.  This one is 5’8”, tops!”

When a contrite Vampire Bill tries to explain to Sookie his whole “dead werewolf sob story,” Sookie cuts him off, completely uninterested in any excuse he may have.  “There’s an old tarp outside.  We can use it to cover him,” she suggests helpfully.

While the on-again, off-again couple are dragging the dead body outside to be buried, they bicker like an old married couple about love, trust and relationship expectations.  I found this scene, in particular, a bit bothersome, as, during it, Sookie is basically reitering to Bill her “dumping” speech from the week prior.  Since then, precisely NOTHING has changed, of course.  All of the problems that existed in the relationship between Sookie and Bill previously (Sookie’s non-immortality, perpetual danger, a lack of love and trust) are still there.  And yet, Sookie took Vampire Bill back in less than an hour’ s time.  That vamp must be SUPER in the sack, that’s all I’M saying . . .

But, not as good as Mr. Stamina, I bet!

Once the body has been buried, Sookie begins to interrogate Bill about that dossier he seems to have on her.  “I don’t know how things were back in the 1800’s, but today, when your boyfriend keeps a file of personal information on you, that’s just plain creepy!”  Sookie gripes.

“It’s not just creepy, Sookie.  It’s Rib Cage Hat, creepy!”

Bill claims he collected the dossier to find out why Eric Northman was so interested in Sookie, so that he could “protect her” from Eric.

Why is everyone blaming Eric Northman for their problems, today?  We all KNOW from watching previous episodes that BILL and Queen Sophie Anne knew about Sookie’s “special  talents,” long before Eric Northman had any clue.   And in terms of Eric’s “interest” in Sookie, up until last week, IT has been almost entirely of a sexual nature . . .

Later, Sookie sits alone in her living room examining Vampire Bill’s “file” on her, which, truth be told, makes a WAY better scrapbook than the empty and super lame “Sookie and Bill” one, that Sookie cried over last week.

It figures that Vampire Bill would be good at this sort of thing.  Right?

In Sookie’s defense, Vampire Bill has had 100’s of years to practice the art of scrapbooking, while Sookie has had only about 26.

In the “scrapbook,” Sookie comes across an article about her father’s public claim that he possessed a “sixth sense” about certain things.  This caused Sookie to wonder whether other members of her family were telepaths too.  And THAT was where young Hunter came in . . .

“If  my son ends up being anything like YOU, I’ll kill myself.  No offense.”

While Sookie is examining Bill’s “pretty” scrapbook, she receives a call from her Counsin Hadley, who has somehow escaped the Vampire King’s mansion and wants to see her cousin before she leaves.  Sookie meets Hadley at a bus station.  There, Hadley apologizes to Sookie for blabbing the origins of her “super secret powers” to the ENTIRE vampire community.

Apparently,  Hadley had become deeply enmeshed in that comunity, lately, due to her having become Queen Sophie Anne’s favorite sex toy . . . . 

This is Hadley.

Of course, even though she has already told most of the Vampire World, Hadley NEVER tells Sookie, herself, what she is, because that would just be too easy . . . (She’s saving it for sweeps week, perhaps?)  Of course, Hadley has not only come to Sookie to apologize, she has also come to “test” her son. Hadley fears that if Hunter is “like Sookie,” that he will be in danger of being tracked down by the vampires too.  So, Sookie sits down next to Hunter and tries to speak to him with her mind.  Lo and behold, HUNTER is a telepath too!

When Hadley finds this out, she grabs her child and escapes the bus terminal,  faster than you can say, “Beeeeeeeeeaaaaal!”

Ummmm . . . yeah . . . because THAT’S not insulting at all!

“Was it something I mind read?”

Dream a Little Dream . . . of Electroshock Therapy.

That day, due to his ingestion of massive quantities of Sookie’s blood, Vampire Bill finds himself in the same cheeseball dream sequence Sookie inhabited just a few weeks earlier.  You know, the one with all the flowers and the spaced out dancers?

When Claudine .  . .

 . . . notices that Bill’s in her little “Hippy Dippy, Age of Aquarius” forest, she becomes immediately convinced that Bill has killed Sookie.  She then zaps his face with her glow fingers, causing him to crumble onto the grass.

Once, he has recovered, Bill tries to glean information about Sookie from Claudine.  Truth be told, Bill gets very little direct intel.  Rather, for most of the visit, Claudine continually (and annoyingly) babbles about how Vampire Bill is “stealing Sookie’s light” and blah, blah, blah. 

Claudine does, however, reveal to Bill that it is her purpose in life to protect Sookie.  “Wow, you must be doing a really sh*tty job, then.  Because that b*tch gets her ass kicked in almost every episode,” retorts Vampire Bill, echoing the thoughts of the entire True Blood fanbase.

And yet, sh*tty security detail or no, Vampire Bill leaves the dream sequence knowing EXACTLY what Sookie Stackhouse is.  “I know what you are,” brags Vampire Bill, when he reunites with her the next evening.

And .  . . then the scene ends.  You know what that makes YOU, True Blood?

Jason Stackhouse leads the War Against Inbreeding

“Take that procreators of two-headed babies!”

Speaking of cockteases, you know who else is one?  THIS GIRL!

Once again, Jason barges into Crystal’s trailer, and once again she is there with her betrothed (and probably brother) Felton.  As if that isn’t bad enough, Crystal tells that loony hick Felton that Jason RAPED HER!

Felton, who has always prided himself on being the ONLY one who can rape Crystal, charges at Jason, knocking his gun from his hand.  Then, Crystal, undoubtedly realizing that all of this is her fault, knocks Felton unconscious by pistol whipping him from behind. 

“Will you stop making me a rapist?”  Jason whines, as the two try to determine how to move the unsconscious Felton’s limp body.  The pair ultimately decide to tie him to a nearby tree in the forest, using rope (because handcuffs don’t work on him, according to Crystal).

Once that is done, Jason, doing an awesomely bad impersonation of a female for no reason whatsoever, alerts the authorities to Felton’s whereabouts. 

“While I have you on the phone, I was wondering .  . . can I borrow some tampons?”

In a surprisingly astute, though highly unethical move, Jason also plants a plastic bag filled with vampire blood in Felton’s pocket, before fleeing the scene with Crystal.

The next day, Jason and Crystal head to the police station, and are alarmed to learn that Kevin, the police officer who visited Felton on account of Jason’s call, was beaten to a bloody pulp by all the other inbreds living in the trailer park.  Now completely determined to get vengeance upon these Deliverance movie extras, Jason approaches Andy with a surprisingly devious and well- thought out plan as to how the Bon Temps PD can infiltrate and arrest the entire trailer park.  The plan is to use the (planted) bag of vampire blood found on Felton as  probable cause to search the trailer park’s premises for crystal meth.  The fact that JASON came up with this idea, and Andy didn’t leads to only one logical conclusion.

 . . . these two have temporarily swapped brains.

But Jason and Andy weren’t the only ones not acting like themselves this week.  You know who else wasn’t?  THIS GUY  . . .

When Calvin Norris, Leader of the Inbreeds, came into Merlotte’s to chew out Crystal for snitching on her own family, Sam surprised everybody, by going totally Incredible Hulk on his ass, tearing up his own bar, and knocking over Crystal in the process.

After Calvin was shipped off to the hospital, Jason triumphantly shared with Crystal his “brilliant” plan to bring down the evil members of her trailer park community.  He presumed this Great Ideea would help him get laid  . . .

 . . . again.  Instead, Crystal cried hysterically at the thought of her father/brother, cousin/ grandfather, sister / mother-in-law etc., possibly going to jail.  She then stormed out of Merlotte’s, leaving a flustered and highly unsatisfied Jason in her wake.

“So much for an early Christmas present.  Maybe there is no such thing as Santa Claus, after all . . .”

Franklin’s BACK!  Annnnnnnd . . . now, he’s gone again!

I never realized how much I truly missed using this disturbing picture in my recaps, until I couldn’t use it anymore . . .

If Jason was suffering any ill effects from his recent endeavors with Crystal . . .

. . . he sure wasn’t showing it.  In fact, when Jason saved Tara from the clutches of the Evil and Unsquashable, Franklin Mott, he seemed like he had Balls of Steel!

But, perhaps, I should backtrack a bit.  When we last saw Franklin, he looked a lot like THIS . . .

 . . . because Tara had hit him with THIS . . .

 . . . while he was sleeping.

Understandably, this was a highly traumatic experience for Tara, who spends most of the episode coping emotionally with her post-traumatic stress.  She even attends a rape support group, alongside, new Merlotte’s waitress, Holly.  Then, toward the end of the episode, Tara finds herself face to face with her living nightmare, once again . . .

“I’m Baaaack!”

Giving no explanation whatsoever as to HOW he survived Tara’s head bashing, Looney Franklin accosts Tara outside Merlotte’,s and threatens her life.  His threats are surprisingly half-hearted, as the vamp actually appears to be more HURT than angry that the “love of his life” tried to literally bash his head in with a blunt object.  In fact, when Tara informs him that she would rather die than spend another second with him, Franklin actually looks like he is about to cry.  And it is in that teary moment, that JASON COMES TO THE RESCUE!

In his THIRD smart move of the night (I’m pretty sure this is a record of some sort.), Jason somehow has the foresight to preload his gun with wooden bullets, which are the only kind that can actually KILL vampires.  (Apparently, Tara could have saved herself a lot of trouble, by simply doing some internet research at the Big Gay Mississippi Mansion where Franklin was holding her captive.) 

So, Jason fires a few rounds at Franklin, and THIS happens . . .

Talk about CLOSURE!

In Other News . . .

Arlene, convinced her new baby will be EVIL . . .

. . . because it’s REAL daddy was a serial killer . . .

 . . . talks to new waitress, Holly, about terminating her pregnancy.

Plus . . .

Hoyt and Jessica . . .

 . . . FINALLY shared a sweet moment together . . .

. . . after weeks of pining after eachother separately.   In fact, Hoyt went as far as to admit that he HATED his lame-ass, biscuit-baking, antique- scouting, doll-hugging, new girlfriend, Summer . . .

 . . . but was staying with her anyway, because he was afraid to be alone.  This admission caused the Baby Vamp to burst into tears . . .

 . . . which, of course . . . Tommy Mickens interpreted as a grand opportunity to get into her Perpetual Virgin panties . . .

Speaking of Tommy .  . .

He’s a thief, who enjoys sassing his elders, and slutting about with big boobed floosies . . .

 . . . but, for whatever, reason, I sort of like him anyway.  Weird.

Also . . .

Lafayette and Jesus seem to be having a lot really hot sex.  And Jesus looks adorable in Lafayette’s Queeny Pink Kimono.  If that’s not a sign of a long- lasting relationship, I don’t know what is. 

 (I’m not really sure where they are going with this sweet, but kind of dull, storyline.  Are you?)

And finally . . .

Russell Edgington . . .

. . . upon seeing his boyfriend reduced to what looked like the insides of a can of red Silly String . . .

 .  . . COMPLETELY SNAPPED.  So, while Nan Flanagan was busy “eating out”  (seriously, are there ANY completely straight vampires on this show?), and eagerly awaiting passage of the Vampire Rights Amendment, Russell was breaking into a local news room, and killing the anchor on live television.  “Humans, us vampires are NOT your equals,” The Old Nutbag announced to the World.  “We are superior to you in every way.  We are going to eat you, after we eat your children.  Back to the weather, Tiffany.”

Now, see, THAT is why I don’t watch local news.   It’s WAY TOO DEPRESSING!

Well, that’s all I’ve got, folks.  See you next week . . . unless Russell Edgington eats me, first!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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The Girl Who Cried Wolf (and Beeeeeeeelllll!) – A Recap of True Blood’s “Night on the Sun”

Aww, don’t cry, Sookie!  You’ll get to eat your Taco Beeeeelll soon enough.

Bite me, Sookeh!

For me, this week’s installment of True Blood can really be broken down into two parts:  the touchy feely, first part, where the entire cast had a good cry, conquered their nightmares, and got in touch with their respective femine sides; and the AWESOME second part, where everybody went commando (in more ways then one!), got dirty, fought, screwed and killed, one another (usually in that order).

That being said, there was ONE part of the second half of this week’s True Blood that truly saddened me . . .

No!  I’m not talking about the absence of Lorena and her Ribcage Hat (though that saddened me too)!  I’m talking about the loss of someone VERY special.

Dear sweet, Talbot!  Oh, how I’ll miss your zany temper tantrums and scrumptious blood gelato!

On that sad note, what do you say, we all dry our tears, and get on with this recap.  This way, we can get to the good stuff (a.k.a. the killing and screwing) faster?  Talbot would have wanted it that way . . .

“Sookie, are you brain damaged?”

“Well, gosh, Jason!  I don’t know.  Why don’t you ask my boyfriend who I took back for a good lay, after he dumped me, screwed a crazy b&tch vampire behind my back, and drained me of all my blood, nearly killing me?” 

“Well, seeing as I only drained her neck and chest, her brain should be pretty much in tact.  Then again, she does share some of your genes, Jason . . . and she did take my lame ass back at the end of the episode.  So, who knows?”

This episode pretty much begins where the last one left off.  Sookie is screaming her head off at the sight of Taco Bill, who has just saved her life by inserting some of his blood into her hospital IV.  (Nevermind the fact, that she wouldn’t even BE in the hospital if it wasn’t for him!) 

While Jason is pondering his sister’s post-accident “lack of intelligence” (pot calling kettle much?),  Alcide immediately jumps in to defend Sookie from Bill.  And it is SUPER hot!  “I don’t take orders from VAMPS!”  The big meaty hunk of man answers, after the scrawny pale-faced Vampire Bill tells him to sit down.

Please allow me a moment to retrieve my panties from the floor . . .

(Don’t get me wrong.  I always have been, and always will be, a Team Eric member.  But would a short-term stopover at Sexy Alcide be such a bad thing?  I think not!  After all, our Sookie has all eternity to spend with the Big Viking.  And as for Alcide?  Well, even the shortest of flings can seem like a long happy marriage in DOG YEARS!)

Cake topper for the Herveaux – Stackhouse Wedding. 

Once everybody has calmed down a bit, Sookie asks to speak with Dollar Menu Item Bill alone.  The gang reluctantly leave the room.  Two of the world’s smallest violins begin to play simultaneously, as these two perform their respective “It’s not you, it’s me,” breakup monologues.

 

“From the day we met, it’s been one big bloody fight,” blubbers Sookie, snot running attractively from her nose.  “I keep waiting for it to be normal, but you keep giving me indigestion with your fake meat, Taco Man  it’s never going to be normal with us, is it?”

“I want you to have the life you deserve, and I can’t give it to you,” whines Bill, his mascara bloody tears running down his cheeks, making him look a bit like this  . . .

 . . . give or take 100 years . . .

With nothing left to say, Bill removes the IV from his hand, and exits the hospital, leaving a hysterical Sookie in his wake, and and open IV tube dripping V on the floor . . .

“Sookie, may I clean your floor with my tongue?”

“They killed my COOTER!”

“Gourmet, it isn’t.   But it sure beats Taco Beeeeellll!”

“In more ways than one . . .”

Speaking of the now Cooter-less, Trash O’Deb, she is back at Russell’s mansion, begging the Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi for the opportunity to seek vengeance on Sookie for butchering her private par . . . um . . . boyfriend.  Unfortunately, Big Gay Russell already has his hands full.  Upon marrying Russell, Queen Sophie Anne has decided to move into his mansion, along with, her girl toy Hadley, and all of their personal belongings.  This was a TERRIBLE choice, in my opinion.  After all, Sophie’s Anne’s original digs seemed significantly larger and WAY more impressive than Russell’s . . .

 .  . . no offense, Talbot.

Speaking of Talbot, he is none too pleased about these new living arrangements.  Nor is he happy with the news that Russell murdered the magister, or that Kingy will once again be leaving the castle, this time to hunt down Sookie Glow Fingers.  Fortunately for Talbot (or, unfortunately, as we will see later), Eric has returned, to save the day, his blue panty dropper sweater, only slightly soiled with bits of Magister brain . . .

 . . . which is precisely why I told him to take it off . . .

“I’ll keep Talbot company,” offers Eric.

But Vampire Russell is still skeptical (as it turns out, with good reason).  He is not sure he can trust the Sexy Viking.

So, Vampire Eric launches into the world’s sappiest, most over dramatic, faux Shakespearean monologue of all time.  While on his knees, no less, Eric waxes poetic about how Russell is the true leader he’s been waiting for for a thousand years, and how much he wants to serve him, and blah, blah, blah .  . .  I just threw up in my mouth a little thinking about it.

But, apparently, Big Gay King Russell has an ego the size of Mississippi.  This Idiot actually buys all of Eric’s crap, and promptly heads on his merry way over to Bon Temps.  That night, Eric, who LUUUUUUVES Sookie . . .

 (even though he has pretended not to and been a total tool to her for the past couple of episodes)  . . . promptly sends her a warning message, overnight delivery, by Fedex, Sookie’s cousin, Hadley.

The message:  “Russell is coming.  Don’t trust Beeeeeeeell!”

Sookie is happy to see her cousin, but assumes there’s not much she can do about Russell coming, because whereever she goes, he’s probably going to find her anyway.  As Hadley rushes from Sookie’s house, Sookie overhears through Hadley’s thoughts that Russell and Eric now know what Sookie is . . . even though Sookie still thinks she’s an alien.

Soo-kie phone home!

“If I was smart, I would have fallen in love with someone like you [Alcide].”

“Damn straight, Glow Fingers!”

While Eric is protecting Sookie’s interests across statelines, her harem of men is doing the same thing at home.  BFFs Andy and Jason, the best 1 and 1/2 cop duo around, arrive at Sookie house immediately after she was released from the hospital, with offers to press charges against Burrito Brain Bill, for deflating her like a popped balloon . . .

“Why does it suddenly smell like tacos in here?  Must be Sookie’s new blood.”

When Sookie refuses to press charges, like the futured battered wife she is (“He didn’t mean it!”  She coos.), Andy and Jason leave, but not before Jason vows to go all Rambo on Vampire Bill’s ass!

“Welcome to the Gun Show, Breakfast Burrito!”

Alcide wants to stay and protect Sookie too, but he has to go back to Jackson because his character wasn’t officially made into a series regular until Season 4 he needs to protect his family from Trailer Trash Debbie.

Sigh!

“Sookie, you are tougher than a one-eared alley cat,” he begins . . .  (Ummm, you may be hot Alcide, but you sure are BAD at coming up with analogies.  And I’m not the only one who thinks so . . .)

Alcide, I think you’ve made it angry . . .

“I just hate to leave you alone, during all this,” Alcide concludes, brushing his hands lovingly across Sookie’s face, and running his fingers through her hair, as she gazes dreamily into his eyes.  (MAN!  I’m jealous!  Now I know how Trailer Trash Debbie feels!)

Following Tara’s request that Alcide “flirt some sense into her” . . .

“And all these seasons, you thought I was a sh*tty friend!  I’m trying to get you laid by a non-corpse, Sookie!  That’s love!”

Alcide returns for a quickie to Sookie’s house to say goodbye.  After admitting that they would be better off together then with the blood drinking wackadoos they both love currently, the almost-couple share an almost-kiss that.  Said almost-kiss, in my opinion, is ten times hotter than the porn fest Sookie engages in with Taco Bill, at the end of the episode.

And then he leaves . . .

“See you in your dreams!”

Speaking of Sookie’s friend, Tara, she’s been suffering a bit of that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, her cousin Lafayette endured during Season 2.  She refuses to talk to anyone about being kidnapped by Franklin Mott; or how he almost made her into his Vampire Bride; or how she made HIM into chop suey (or taco meat, whichever you prefer) . . .

Hungry for some Mott’s?

Tara’s nightmares about Franklin range from the pornographic to the violent . . .

 . . . just like Franklin, himself.

“That’s my baby inside of you.”

Tara isn’t the only one having “killer” dreams, Arlene was having them too, only her dreams starred her former fiance, and Season 1’s Big Bad Serial Killer with the kickass fake Cajun accent, Rene Lenier.  “I came to see my baby.  It has my blood, my genes,” taunts Dream Renee, as he ogles Arlene’s near-naked body.    When we found out the baby wasn’t Terry’s a few episodes back, we all assumed it was Renee’s.  Now we know for sure (sort of). 

Once he had successfully frightened the stuffing out of Arlene, Dream Renee woke her up by gently caressing her neck, just like THIS . . .

Arlene’s new choker necklace.

Do you think they test for the “serial killer gene” during an amniocentesis?  For Arlene’s sake, I sure hope so!

“Good riddens, Mommy Mickens!”

In Sam’s trailer trash family news, Sam’s annoying Bio Mom showed up on his porch naked . . .

 .  . . to retrieve her belongings and beg her elder son for money.

Then she left, and Tommy Boy cried . . .

Sorry, wrong Tommy Boy . . . 

THIS GUY cried at the loss of Mommy Mickens.  But True Blood fans did this . . .

Later that evening, little Tommy Mickens made me like him less, by picking on sweet adorable Hoyt . . .

. . . and threatening to kick his ass, for no other reason than that Hoyt used to date Jessica, who Tommy apparently has a crush on.  “She’s got a REAL MAN, now!”  Tommy insists, implying himself.

(Ummm .  . . really?  Maybe you’re a big tough guy in the DOG HOUSE, Tommy, but in the real world, you’re kind of short.  And you look about twelve.  Just saying . . .)

Sam tries to set Tommy right, and get him to start thinking about his future.  But Tommy is cranky and just wants his dog bone.

Chew slow Tommy.  Because THIS is the closest you are going to get to being BONED for a LONG TIME!

“I release you!”

“Cowardly Vampire say what?”

While Sam is working hard to be the father Tommy never had, Vampire Bill is busy treating Jessica like she never HAD a Vampire Father / Maker.   Upon returning home, following a long stay in Jackson, Mississippi, Bill is greeted with open arms by Vampire Jessica.  He rejects her affections almost immediately.  “You can’t stay here.   I can’t look after you, anymore.  I’m no good,”  Bill whines . . .

And there go those violins again . . .

But Jessica refuses to leave.  She explains to Bill how she had lost control and killed that human a little while back, and how she needs Bill’s help to control her vampiric instincts.  (Not that Mr. Messy Sookie Eater is such a good role model in the “self control” department.)

“I’ll go back on my diet, tomorrow.  I promise!”

Jess and Bill then bond over the fact that they have both broken up with the people they love (Hoyt and Sookie, respectively), because they feel they are not good enough to deserve these special humans.  HALF of them are right.  Bet you can’t guess, which half?

Eventually, the two hug it out, and Bill decides to let his “ward” stick around.  He also gives her a little lesson on fighting werewolves .  . . werewolves that will HOPEFULLY look nothing like THIS . . .

Jason Stackhouse is in LOVE . . .

 . . . and so are we . . .

While Bill is teaching Jessica how to fight off werewolves, Jason is working to fight off, whatever the heck it is that Crystal’s family IS.   (If you’ve read the books, you already know.)  Jason is at home, gearing up to kill Bill  . . .

 .  . . for what he did to Sookie, when he is interrupted by a knock on his door.  It’s THIS GIRL!

 . . . except she’s all wet and has this gross bloody eye.  Crystal claims she is being chased down by the members of her community, particularly, Felton, her arranged marriage partner, and future abusive husband.  To get away, she needs Jason’s van.  But Jason gives her his c*ck instead. 

A fair trade, if you ask me . . .

Crystal admits that Felton gave her the bloody eye, when she told him she didn’t want to marry him anymore.  This excites Jason immensely, who sees lots more bunny screwing for him and Crystal, in the near future . . .

However, since he DID promise to protect Crystal and not just f*ck her, Jason heads down to her trailer park to set things right.  There he meets the head of the trailer park, Calvin who more or less threatens his life . . .  I hope all those guns of yours are loaded, Mr. Stackhouse, because you are WAY too pretty to die!

“You are a powerful man.  I need to protect you.”

Now, I don’t know about you, but nothing makes ME feel safer than when a crazy lady waves a steak knife in my face . . .

You know who else should be investing in some weaponry to protect himself?  Lafayette.  Our favorite fry cook / V dealer came home from an evening of babysitting Sookie Glow Fingers and PTSD Tara, to find his schizophrenic nutjob of a mom wandering his house, and babbling on about protecting her son from the vampires and other supernatural creatures.  She escaped the mental institution to rescue Lafayette, because of how “powerful” he is.  And when she says powerful, she must mean “powerful in bed,” because moments later, THIS GUY shows up . . .

Sorry, wrong Jesus.  THIS GUY . . .

Jesus wishes to retrive Lafayette’s mother, and return her to the loony bin where she clearly belongs.  The pair chat some more about how bad it is that Lafayette deals V.  But before you know it, the two of them are going at it like rabbits . . .

“I’m bored.   Take off your clothes.”

“Going at it like bunnies.”  That was exactly what Talbot wanted to do with Vampire Eric, when he got tired of playing chess with him.  “I’m bored.  Take off your clothes,” demands Talbot, like the simpering toddler he is.

Eric complies, feigning a bit of shyness as he removes his Panty Dropper Blue Sweater.  “I’ve never done this before,” admits Eric.

“With another man?”  Talbot asks.

“No with another vampire,” replies Eric.

The two start “riding the pony” . . .

 . . . and getting comfortable with one another, when Eric finally urges Talbot to lay down on his stomach.  When Talbot complies, Eric stakes the poor bastard, but not before dramatically monologuing so that the poor schlub is absolutely certain he is about to meet his maker .  . . his OTHER maker.  “King Russell, you killed my family, and now I am going to kill yours,” yells Eric, as he plunges a stake into Talbots back repeatedly and fatally.

“NOOOOOOOO!”  Talbot screamed, just before he died.

“NOOOOOOO!”  TV Recapper screamed, knowing she was out one prospective interior decorator for her future home.

Goodbye, Talbot, you will always be my favorite Mississippi Queen!

But now that Talbot is gone, we must return our focus to Vampire Eric, who is now covered in his blood.  Might I suggest a bath to cleanse you of your sins, Mr Viking?

Or a shower, perhaps?

“Get out of my house, B&TCH!”

In the last few moments of the episode, Trailer Trash Debbie . . .

 .  . . and her werewolf cronies, arrive at Sookies house.   While Sookie LITERALLY wrestles with Debbie on the ground, Vampire Bill and Vampire Jessica arrive on the scene to handle the werewolf cronies.    But just when a proud Vampire Jessica is about to make her first werewolf kill, Big Gay Russell magically appears and grabs her by the neck . . .

“Us vampires travel fast, lots of frequent flier miles.”

Russell offers to give up Vampire Jessica in exchange for Sookie.  Bill is torn, for a moment, between sacrificing his lover and his “child.”  Fortunately, he doesn’t end up having to make this decision, because Jessica gets away, with her werewolf in hot pursuit.   Now evenly matched, Russell and Bill begin to literally fight over Sookie.  Just when it seems as though Bill might be done for, Russell “feels” the death of Talbot, and “flies away.”  No .  . . really.  Debbie then randomly ditches her fight with Sookie too. 

 In the last few seconds, of the episode, Bill and Sookie reunite.  As the credits begin to role, they are screwing hardcore on Sookie’s bedroom floor.  And while the scene is admittedly hotter than that time a dirty naked Bill got down with Sookie on top of some coffins in the cemetery, it still doesn’t quite “do it” for me.

Then again, what do I know?  I’m just a fan.  I can’t always expect to have my Taco Beeelll, and eat it too . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Truly Bloody (And a little gross) – A Recap of True Blood’s “I Got a Right to Sing the Blues”

 

This week on True Blood, our girl Tara FINALLY got her GROOVE back . . . and then she stuck it in the back of Franklin’s head . . . multiple times.

I really thought he was going to last longer.  Didn’t you?  Now, if we could just get rid of Lorena . . .

I’m going to be honest with you guys.  I missed a good portion of this episode.  Now, don’t worry, I don’t think this will effect my recap.  You see, I HEARD the entire episode, I just didn’t SEE all of it . . . because my hands were covering my face for a good portion of the hour.

I was hiding my face for SO LONG during this episode, I almost missed NAKED ALCIDE!

But I didn’t!

So, are you ready to get gory?  Let’s get on on with the recap!

The Sophisticated Vampire

“When I said I wanted to new skylight on the ceiling, this WASN’T what I meant.”

When the episode begins, a Smiling Russell Edgington drags Sookie Glow Fingers back to his Big Gay Mansion.  Clearly wanting to make up for being such a Major Dick this whole Season, Vampire Bill decides it’s time to protect his woman.  He does so by brutally staking one of Russell’s body guards.  He then wraps his legs around Russell’s head, which you would think the Big Gay Vampire King would like . . . but he doesn’t.  In fact, he dislikes it so much that he throws Bill at the ceiling. 

Bill “hangs” out there for a little while, before falling back to earth.  Talbot is PISSED about the sudden and unwarranted home renovations.  Something tells me Russell won’t be getting any tonight!

Russell has his remaining guards drag Bill to the “slave chambers.”  Sookie rushes toward him, but is surprised when Vampire Eric grabs her roughly by the wrist and brings her to Russell.

“I wouldn’t let go of this if I were you.  I don’t know what it is, but I do know it is quite valuable,” intones Eric, looking super sexy in his Panty Dropper Blue Sweater, even though he is currently being a Total Tool (or, perhaps, because he’s being one).

“Eric, what the f*ck!” Sookie exclaims.  (Ooh, a lovers’ quarrel!  I see some AWESOME Makeup Sex in these two’s future . . .)

“Awwww, it thinks we’re equals,” coos Eric, maddeningly referring to Sookie, as if she’s his pet.  (He’s gonna get spanked for sure!)

“You’ve been a Bad, Bad Vampire!  I’m going to make you pay, Dirty Boy!”

Lorena interrupts to inquire as to what Russell plans to do with Slave Bill.  “You will kill him,” replies Russell matter-of-factly.

To Lorena’s credit, she actually looks a little upset about having to Kill Bill.

But when Sookie threatens Lorena’s life, if she dares harm her man, Lorena’s fangs literally come out.  “I would love to rip you open, and wear your rib cage as a hat,” Lorena growls.

Tre Chic!

A Sookie is a Terrible Thing to Waste

Eric is instructed to take Sookie into the study, so that Russell can interview her later.  When Sookie tries to protest, Eric lovingly puts his hand over her mouth, “Shut the F&ck Up,” he warns her.

In the study, Sookie and Eric have a hilarious exchange about what just went down between them.  “I hope you were behaving that way for the King’s benefit,” seethes Sookie. 

When Eric denies being disingenuous with the King, Sookie fires back with an on-point impersonation of the Hot Sheriff himself, throwing his own affectionate words from the Season 3 premiere episode back in his face.  “Sookie . . .  your life is too valuable to throw away.  You make me feel almost human,”  she monotones.

Eric can’t deny that Sookie is valuable, but he refuses to cop to expressing any sort of sentiment toward her.  “You must have dreamt it,” he replies.  (Oh no, Eric . . . YOU must have dreamt it!)

Later Russell enters the room, and inquires as to the source of Sookie’s Telepathy, and her Glow Fingers.  “Maybe I’m an alien,” Sookie offers helpfully.

In response to Sookie’s inquiries about Bill’s whereabouts, Russell informs the Alien that Bill has been stalking her keeping a file on her family history.  But love is blind to reason, and Sookie doesn’t seem to react very much to the news.  She is later locked away in one of the Big Gay Mansion’s many rooms.  “Beeeeeeellllll!”  She yelps, because we haven’t heard her do that in about ten minutes, so it’s high time she did it again.

Vampire Bill has fallen and he can’t get it up .  . .

“You got a heating pad or something?  This floor is hell on my sciatica.”

In the grotesque S & M portion of the evening, we watch Lorena as she brutally tortures Bill . . . by forcing him to listen to her inane monologue and crybaby tears. 

“I always forget that I need to wear waterproof mascara when torturing!”

Oh yeah, she’s systematically cutting him with surgical tools, while he’s tied to the floor, too.  Vampire Bill tries to appeal to Lorena’s sympathy, by telling her that he wishes he knew her when she was human and still cared about life.  Lorena whines annoyingly, slightly affected by Bill’s grand speech, but she keeps butchering him anyway.  Unfortunately for Lorena, this sweet little Snuff Film is interrupted by Drug Addled Werewolve,s Coot and Debbie, who barge in hoping for a taste, “from the source.”

Dude, if you weren’t hot I would SO hate you.

YOU, I hate!

Never one to let a meal grow cold (even though, admittedly, this one has been COLD a long time), Trash O’ Deb gets right down to sucking.  Coot, however, prefers to play with his food first.  So he proceeds to kick the cr*p out of the defenseless Bill for murdering his were-friends.  Lorena looks on boredly, wondering whether Rib Cage Hats come in pink to match the new dress she just bought . . .

I now pronounce you Man with Mace-Head

Did I just say that BILL and LORENA provided the “grotesque S&M” portion of the evening?  Because, actually, I think Franklin and Tara had them beat by a MILE!  Things started off “sweet” enough, with Franklin returning to his soon-to-be marital bed, clad in a girly white nightgown to match Tara’s hideous white wedding dress.

“You do realize that blood stains show up on white fabric, don’t you?”

Tara feigns happiness to see her Groom-To-Be, but Franklin has nagging insecurities about her sudden show of affection.  “You didn’t even notice that I shaved for you!”  He pouts, as he straddles his living doll.

Tara tries to relieve Franklin’s doubts by ramping up the sex appeal, or, at least as much as she CAN ramp it up with her arms tied to the bedpost, while wearing that AWFUL gown.  She begs to be untied, so that she can “pleasure him better.”  Franklin complies.  Once untied, Tara begs to taste Franklin’s blood on her last night as a human.  She takes a HUGE chunk out of his neck, which, honestly, I didn’t know was possible with human teeth.  It’s pretty disgusting.  “Kill me, kill me, kill me,” begs Franklin in the throes of passion.”

“OK,” says Tara.

“I can be very obedient when I want to be.”

Once Franklin has fallen asleep, Tara uses the strength she has drawn from Franklin’s vampire blood to communicate with Sookie telepathically, since she knows from Franklin’s intel, that her friend is ocked up nearby.  “I’m coming to get you girl.  We are going to get out of here.  Be ready,” she thinks to herself.

Tara then turns to the cadre of weapons conveniently located on the wall of her bedroom, and selects an ancient mace, which she promptly bashes into Franklin’s skull . . . multiple times . . . until he’s nothing more than a bloody stew.  Poor lovesick puppy never had a chance . . .

 

 

“But I shaved for her!  I don’t understand!”

I Now Pronounce You Beard For Life

While Tara is bashing Franklin’s skull in, Eric is engaging in a romantic card game with Talbot.  Russell interrupts, and requests Eric’s presence on a little “road trip.”  Eric, who assumes the purpose of this trip will be to rescue Pam from the evil clutches of the Magister, is noticably eager to get moving.

“Come rescue me, Big Daddy!”

“You NEVER take me anywhere!  You prefer to surround yourself with sycophants,” Talbot explains.  (That’s the spirit, Talbot!  Confuse him with your big words!  That will get him back in your bed for sure!)

In the car en-route, Vampire Eric really ramps up the charm, even going as far as to allude to  having sexual interest in Russell. 

However, having witnessed last week’s Viking flashback, we know that Eric has a Master Plan, and vengeance on his mind.  The two discuss King Russell’s “ownership” of the V-addicted werewolves, and his plans to have the supernatural world united for World Domination.  But when Eric inquires about Pam, he learns that Russell has another destination in mind.  The two are headed to Queen Sophie Anne’s house.

The last time we saw Queenie here, she was enjoying a day-long game of Yahtzee.  Now she seems content playing with lottery scratch-offs.  Clearly, this is someone who needs to get a hobby.  Queen Sophie is not at all excited to see Eric and Russell on her doorstep, seeing as the pair has just murdered her guards and tied up her lover, Hadley (who also happens to be Sookie’s cousin).  But Vampire King Russell, ever the romantic, doesn’t concern himself with this.  Instead, he gets on his knees and proposes.

“Go f*ck, yourself,” Queen Sophie replies politely.

At which point, Eric tackles her to the floor like a linebacker.  “No, YOU go f&ck YOURSELF,” he clarifies.   (Wow, lots of f&cking in this episode . . .)  “I’m older than you .  . .you framed me.  Therefore, I renounce my fealty to you.  My loyalty is to the King.”

To celebrate this grand proposal, Eric hopes to kick things off by breaking Queen Sophie Ann’s neck, but Russell doesn’t let him.

Russell diplomatically offers the terms of the couple’s engagement.  He will never touch her.  (Because they are both gay . . . get it?)  He will make all her debt and legal problems disappear.  She will not be prosecuted for dealing V.  Sounds like a damn good deal if you ask me.  The Queen reluctantly agrees to marry Russell, then runs off to find and f&ck her girlfriend . . .

In Sam’s Trailer Trash Family News . . .

Tonight, we learned why Joe Lee had said that he “owned” Tommy, during last week’s episode.  In a revelation that surprised precisely nobody, Tommy’s mom revealed that the family had been surviving on the money Shapeshifter Tommy earned as a pitpull in dog fights.

What WAS surprising, to me anyway, was that Mommy Mickens used to dog fight too . . .

Well . . . maybe not SO surprising.  After all, we always knew she was a b&tch.

In Shirtless Jason Stackhouse News . . .

Jason continues to get it on with Crystal in the woods, complimenting her on how literally hot she is, and explaining to her how he isn’t a virgin (Now that’s the understatement of the century!)  When Jason begs Crystal not to break his heart, she cries.  All tears aside though, things are going great, until Crystal smells something funny, and excuses herself.

“Dammit!  I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that bean burrito at the precinct!”

The next day, when Jason arrives at Crystal’s trailer with flowers, this D-Bag who tried to bash in Lafayette’s car (more on him a little later) answers the door.  Crystal soon follows, claiming that the D-Bag is her fiance and that she’s never met Jason in her life.  Crushed, a dejected Jason slouches off.  As he heads to his car however, he finds himself face to face with the naked ASS of the high school football star who he reamed a new one for being cocky at Merlotte’s last week.  Jason gets an IDEA!

“It’s not what you think.  But it SURE looks that way, doesn’t it?”

Jason inexplicably interrupts the high schooler mid-screw, and performs a citizen’s arrest on his butt for “lewd conduct in a public place.”  (Hey, Jason knew the word “lewd!”  Color me impressed . . .

“Something about you ain’t right .  . .” Jason explains. 

That may be true Jason Stackhouse.  But you have to admit, the kid had a really cute ass!

Speaking of Homoerotic Moments  . . .

 . . . Lafayette and Jesus get pretty hot in a car of their own this evening . . . once Lafayette establishes that Jesus isn’t Satan, of course.  (Always an important question to ask your prospective boyfriends.)  They then move their action into Lafayette’s apartment, but are interrupted by the sound of breaking glass.  Lafayette and Jesus run out, to find D-Bag and his cronies from the trailer park bashing in Lafayette’s car.  D-Bag just has enough time to get out a few choice words about Lafayette’s V-dealing tendencies, before Jesus threatens him with a bat, and Lafayette beats the stuffing out of him.   “Tell your friends you just got beaten up by two f*gs,” Lafayette yells after D-bag, as he runs away.

Unfortunately, Jesus heard the part about the V-dealing, and no longer wants any part in Lafayette’s drug-tainted thongs . . .

Jesus is V- free!

In Vampire Jessica News . . .

Our Teen Vamp seems to be really learning how to control her powers.  After a slight slip of fang at Merlottes, Vampire Jessica tries to make amends with Arlene, by glamouring a customer to give the waitress a BIG tip, after she got all the other restaurant patrons to stiff her last week.  She also successfully FEEDS on this patron without killing her . . .

You go, Vampire Chick!

Back at the Big Gay Mansion . . .

SOOKIE:  “Beeeeeeeeeellll!”

TARA:  “Oh, hell no!  Do you have any idea what I’ve been through to get to you?   You better say MY NAME, b&tch!”

Tara breaks Sookie out of Big Gay Jail, by beating up the guards outside Sookie’s room.  The two escape the mansion, but Sookie annoyingly wants to go back and rescue Vampire Bill.  Tara thinks she’s f*cking nuts!  I agree.  Once again, Tara is running through the fields, when she encounters yet another werewolf, but this one looks different . . .

The first time I saw it in the promos, I thought it was some kind of Were-Vampire, but I was wrong.  It was THIS GUY!

NAKED!

Back in his human form, Alcide tells Tara he is here looking for Sookie, but Tara is too busy staring at his gorgeous abs and large johnson to pay much attention to his words.  “Do you have a car so we can have hot passionate animal sex in it?”  She inquires.

“Yeah,” replies Alcide.

And off they go . . .

Meanwhile . . .

Sookie finds a blood drained, nearly lifeless, Vampire Bill on the floor of the “Slave Quarters.”  She professes her love to the dying vamp, promising to do whatever it takes to save him.  Then Lorena magically appears . . .

Sorry, I just liked the rib cage hat too much, not to use it again . . .

As the episode ends, Lorena attacks Sookie, biting her neck until she screams for mercy.  That’s not good!

And there you have it folks, a Truly Bloody True Blood.  Did you like it?  Or was all just a bit too much gore and too little Shirtless Stackhouse . .

P.S. For those of you out there, who are wondering where my Mad Men season premiere recap is, I PROMISE it will be up tomorrow.  Sorry for the delay.  Contrary to popular belief, I do require SOME sleep . . . 🙂

 

 

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Anatomy of the BRAND NEW True Blood Trailer Released at Comic-Con 2010!

Tonight, the True Blood cast held a panel session at Comic-Con 2010 in San Diego.   I wasn’t there . . .

But I DID manage to snag a copy of the BRAND NEW trailer for the second half of Season 3, which was released during the panel session . . .

And, of course, it was AWESOME!  Check it out . . .

OK.  It’s time to ANALYZE THE HELL OUT OF THIS THING!  So, remove your jaw from the floor, retract your fangs, put your shirt (and pants) back on, and let’s get to it, shall we?

:07 – I don’t know about you, but this has always been how I preferred my Vampire Bill:  Hot, Shirtless and Chained to the Floor where he can’t get in the way of the inevitable Sookie / Eric lovefest going on nearby.

:08 – Who knew that when Franklin Mott bought Tara that UGLY ASS NIGHTY / WEDDING DRESS (probably back in the early 1800’s), he had also purchased a matching one for HIMSELF! 

(At least he finally SHAVED though.  That morning stubble must have been HELL to wake up next to . . . and I’m not talking about the one in his pants. . . )

:16 – It looks like Creepy J.J. from Big Love the Magister has got Pam!  That’s not good . . .

:17 – Hey, Vampire Bill!  That’s a nice tan your sporting!  How did . . . wait . . . uh oh!

:28 – ERIC: “I don’t know what it is.  But I know it is quite valuable.”

Look how lovingly Sookie looks at Eric, even when he is trying to pawn her off on the Big Gay Vampire King, like she’s some early 19th-century antique (Vampire Bill?).  But seriously, can you blame her?  Have you SEEN what Vampire Eric looks like in that Baby Blue Panty Dropper Sweater of his?  He can sell ME to the highest bidder, ANYTIME!

:32 – Shirtless Tommy Mickens (Marshall Allman) – Not really my cup of tea, personally.  But someone found this blog by searching for THIS EXACT IMAGE.  And I DO hate to disappoint my readers  . .  . So, here you go!

:35 – OK.  I’m confused.  When did I STOP watching the True Blood trailer, and randomly switch over to outtakes from the movie, Deliverance?

(Cringes, as “Dueling Banjos” plays in the background.)

:37 – Question: When white trash gets cleaned up, is it called “White-Washed Trash?” 

 (I didn’t like that comment Mommy Mickens made about Sam not being “family,” one bit, by the way.  But it DOES confirm what I always thought about her character.  Hint:  It rhymes with “masshole.”)

:41 – SHIRTLESS STACKHOUSE ALERT!   SHIRTLESS STACKHOUSE ALERT!

It looks like him and Crystal will be getting VERY CLOSE, VERY FAST . .  . and that her family doesn’t approve of the coupling AT ALL.  Awww . . . it’s like Romeo and Juliet . . .

 . . . if Romeo and Juliet took place in a trailer park in Louisianna . . .

:43 – Way to go Jason!  Whipping out the BIG GUNS!  (And I’m NOT talking about artillery . . .)

:53 – I just LOVE when Vampire Eric gets all up in Sookie’s personal space . . . and so does SHE!

(Note: I’m pointedly choosing to IGNORE that MEAN thing Eric said to Sookie in this scene, because his body language here CLEARLY implies otherwise . . .)

:54 – Speaking of foreplay . . .

1:00 – Of course, it wouldn’t be a True Blood trailer without at least one, “BEEEEEEEEELLLLLL!”

1:04 – It’s nice to see our former BFF’s, Sookie and Tara, bonding again.  It’s also REALLY NICE to see Tara (1) out of captivity; (2) in the sun (It means she’s not a vampire yet.); and (3) dressed in normal clothes from the 21st Century . . .

1:09 – First Deliverance, now The Matrix?  I think this trailer is broken . . .

(Actually, I’m pretty sure that Leather Chick is Vampire Spokesperson Nan from Season 2 . . .)

1:13 – White fur?  Red glowing eyes?  Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have just met our first WERE-VAMPIRE!

(Some vampire lore states that if a person consumes enough vampire blood, he or she can become a vampire without actually . . . you know . . . dying.  If that’s true HERE, and all those werewolves have been consuming Big Gay Vampire King Russell’s blood for lord knows how long, this is some SERIOUISLY BAD NEWS for Sookie and Co.)

1:14 – ALCIDE:  “I don’t take orders from vamps!”

Oooh, Alcide is SEXY when he’s angry!  And he’s sticking it to Vampire Bill too .  . . which makes it even hotter.

(By the way, I heard they just recently announced that Joe Manganiello, who plays Alcide, has officially been awarded SEASON REGULAR status!)

Here’s a little something to help you celebrate this AMAZING news!

And another SOMETHING . . .

You’re welcome.

1:19 – SOOKIE:  “If I knew what was best for me, I would have fallen in love with someone like you.”

(Get in line, Sookie!  Get in line . . .)

1:24 – SOOKIE:  “GET .  . . OUT . . . OF MY HOUSE . . . B*TCH!”

YEAH!  You go, Bad Ass Commando Sookie!

Be afraid, Trashy Debbie She-Mullet!  Be VERY afraid!

1:34 – Don’t you just HATE IT when you get stuck in the ceiling, next to the multi-million dollar chandelier!  I know I do .  . .

1:47 – You know, for some reason, every time I see Lorena, I get that song by Flo Rida stuck in my head.  “You spin my head right round, right round, when you go down, when you go down, down.”

I can’t imagine why . . .

1:53 – Poor Sookie!  If  this was any other character on this show, a picture like this would have me really worried.  But it’s SOOKIE .  . . so, I’m not.  

(No Sookie = No True Blood, and if the ratings are any indication, this show is going to be around for a LONG, LONG time!  Therefore, I’m thinking our girl is going to be just fine.  Just a little hunch I have . . .)

1:57 – Hey, I don’t like this Dream Sequence!  A Dream Sequence without a shirtless male in it, is like  . . . well . . . I don’t know what it’s like . . . something LAME though, that’s for sure! 

2:01 – Here is our first glimpse of Claudine (played by Lara Pulver). She was a fairly important character in the latter half of Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse Book series.  Unfortunately, I can’t TELL you what role she plays in Sookie’s life, because I don’t want to spoil it for you.  I CAN show it to you though . . .

(Warning: Spoilerific picture, below.)

And there you have it.  The new True Blood trailer in a nutshell.  So, what did you think?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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