Tag Archives: Boyd

It’s like . . . ephemeral – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Tattoo”

ephemeral

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ihopenotsporadically

“See you soon! I hope not sporadically.”

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Word-of-the-Day Calendars . . . Helping Dumb People pretend to be smart since 1995 . . .

Scott McCall has turned over a new leaf, this year. He no longer spends every waking moment thinking about his girlfriend, Allison. Instead, he spends every waking moment thinking about how Allison is no longer his girlfriend.

busted salison

He’s got a brand new ride . . .

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Hey may or may not be able to FLY . . .

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He still wakes up early to do pull-ups on that random bar in his bedroom, every morning. But now, he does it one-handed . . . WHILE READING BOOKS . . . REAL ONES!

call of wild

It’s a new school year, Wolfbangers . . . and a new season . . . a time when everybody — characters, cast members, and staff writers — get to start fresh, with a clean slate and a positive can-do attitude. Together, they vow to be better than they were the year before. And some of those changes really do stick! The rest, unfortunately, are destined to be . . . wait for it . . . ephemeral.

teen wolf 12 eye roll

But that’s later. Let’s focus on now . . . when everything in Beacon Hills is just perfect . . .

nodding oh yeah

. . . well . . .unless you’re a deer . . . or a bird . . . or a cat . . . or that chick who tried to save Isaac’s life . . . or Isaac . . . or Boyd . . . or Erica.

omg cat

Scratch that. It’s a new school year, and everything already pretty much sucks in Beacon Hill for almost everybody . . . except for the people with the really hideous toenails. Those guys are living pretty large right now . . . On with the recap, anyway!

stiles with wolf hat

(Special thanks to my main man, Andre, for all the kickass screencaps. His generosity and talent is DEFINITELY not ephemeral . . .)

This could get ugly . . .

It’s odd to think that Isaac got the most intense action sequences of all the main characters, this week . . . especially when you consider that he spent about three quarters of the episode either completely unconscious or seriously doped up.

puppy love

Case in point . . . in the opening moments of the season, he’s nothing more than a seemingly lifeless, carved up body, being dragged along the streets. A mysterious leather-wearing teenage biker chick is doing the dragging . . . a biker chick, who just jump-started Isaac, by electrocuting his nipples. (Now, that’s not very nice!)

friday yet nipples

2 19 weird puffy pyramid nipples burytheworries

Girlfriend is uber petite. So, I’m thinking she’s probably some sort of supernatural something, to be able to so easily bear that load. She’s no wolf though . . . that’s for sure. Presumably, Not Wolf Girl hijacked Isaac from the folks who are currently chasing him . . . the ones that sliced his tummy into bacon strips . . .

2 3 bacon

. . . a process which somehow stole his memories. Memories, schmemories . . . I’m more worried about his ab muscles. Those grow back, right?

isaac wolf

Anywhoo, Not Wolf Girl tosses Isaac on the back of her motorcycle, like he’s a rag doll, and rides off into the night.

relaxing ride

Not a good time for a nap, Isaac . . .

But wait! Someone’s coming! It’s those twins who played Felicity Huffman’s kids on Desperate Housewives . . . except, now they are much buffer . . . possibly, because they stole Isaac’s ab muscles . . .

magic mike wannabe

more strippling

magic mike

The twins run much too fast to be human, which makes them instantly formidable. Unfortunately, they don’t seem too bright to me. I mean, if you are chasing someone, who is on the back of motorcycle, with the intent of re-kidnapping them, wouldn’t it make sense to . . . oh . . . I don’t know . . . ACTUALLY SLAP OR GRAB THEM OFF OF THE MOTORCYCLE?

surrounded by idiots

Instead, the brothers just keep slapping the motorcycle with their hands, and occasionally keying it with their nails. It’s fun to watch. But as far as strategies go, it’s pretty lame.

We arrive inside some warehouse, where we find out, once and for all, why the Scavo Carver kids seem so lame brained . . . it’s because they only have ONE brain, between the two of them! (Not even a Word-of-the-Day calendar can help you there.)

ephemeral haha

In what was decidedly the SECOND most disturbing scene in the entire episode (I’ll get to the first, in a bit), one twin shoves his hand into the other twins back. Somehow, doing this causes them to become this monstrous being, that, honestly, looks more ogre than wolf. (Sorry, Shrek!)

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offended shrek

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Neat trick. The jokes about this one pretty much write themselves . . . My pal Andre what happens to the boys’ poor pants, when they do this? (As we know, the brothers have already helpfully taken off their shirts, like the good little teen TV show stars they already are.) I mean, I guess they rip, along with the rest of the wardrobe. But which brother gets the luxury of keeping his own crotch?

blaine crotch grab

Another thing I wondered . . . how exactly does one learn that they are capable of doing something like this? Were the two kids just sitting around, playing on their play station, when, all of the sudden, one said to the other, “Hey, wouldn’t it be neat, if I shoved my hand into the back of your spinal column and merged, bodies’ with you? Let’s try it! If you die, I’ll know not to do it so hard next time . . .”

first stabbing

But back to the show . . . Not Wolf Girl takes out this massive stun gun thingy, and blasts the werewolf version of Megatron out of the present, and into the future . . . i.e. a later point in the episode.

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electrifying

All Tatted Up . . .

In quieter news, Scott is hoping to get himself a brand new tattoo on his arm . . . of an equals sign?

tatt done

3 15 wtf can i

(Stiles is right. He definitely should have gone with a kanima tatt! Now, that would have been awesome!)

kanima tatt

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Speaking of Stiles, he’s not too big on the whole needles thing . . . bludgeoned bloody, kanima and alpha ravaged bodies . . . NO PROBLEM . . . needle pricked Scott Arms though? EW . . . that sh*t’s gross . . .

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Poor Scott. He spent all that time in the operating chair, and it turns out, his tattoo is only . . . EPHEMERAL. (You knew I was going to do it, didn’t you.)

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His super wolfy skin heels right over the damn thing. It appears Scott is going to have to find another way to show he’s “over Allison” and “bad ass,” might I suggest purchasing a teen-life crisis motorcycle?

Now you see me . . .

Later that same night, Lydia and Allison are in a car headed for a double date with NOT Scott and Stiles. And because it is with NOT Scott and Stiles, it will most certainly not be an ORGY, as Lydia helpfully reminds us . . .

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Speaking of things Lydia helpfully reminds us . . . erm . . . Jackson’s GONE. He went to the TV series Arrow “live in London,” which is television series code for, “You left us in the lurch, you bastard . . . no proper Departure Plot explanation for you!

ep 10 jackson cries

Coincidentally, Scott and Stiles are also in a car, driving home from the tatt parlor . . . and that car happens to pull up right next to Allison’s and Lydia’s at a stop light. It looks like this “double date” may end up becoming an orgy after all . . .

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Or . . . maybe not . . .

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Lydia and Allison can’t avoid Scott and Stiles forever though . . . Rabid Bambi’s Mom makes sure of that, by ramming herself right into Lydia’s front windshield. It’s touching the sacrifices our animal friends make for our ships . . .

something coming

friday yet again

bambi

Scott feels up the dead deer, and cleverly notes that it was “terrified,” moments before dying. Now, I know that’s supposed to be one of his nifty wolf powers, being able to instantly discern animal moods, by fondling their boobies. But really, I could have told you the animal was frightened, the moment I saw it FLYING INTO GLASS TOWARD ITS INEVITABLE DEATH!

duh told you so

Meanwhile, over at the hospital . . .

It’s SCOTT, DAMMIT! SCOTT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW! (Even though most of you thought it was Derek or Stiles.)

The writers are mad at you, Wolfbangers! For two seasons, they have tried to beat it into your brain that SCOTT IS THE HERO OF THIS SHOW . . . SCOTT IS THE HOT ONE . . . the one you are supposed to love. And yet here you (and I) am, week after week, gabbing on about “Derek this,” and “Stiles that,” and “Sterek the other thing.”

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sterek next to eachother

And we are all “Scott who?”

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So, Teen Wolf is going to prove this character’s worth to you once and for all! Laid up in a hospital bed Not Wolf Girl is calling for an Alpha’s help. Scott’s night nurse mom, helpfully offers to snatch up Derek . . . because, honestly, what self-respecting cougar wouldn’t want to hit that?

mamas proud enter cece drake

But Not Wolf Girl shakes her head, looks directly at the camera and says, “NO, YOU BITCHES! I’M TALKING ABOUT SCOTT! SCOTT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW!”

scott important

Later Mama McCall is tending to Isaac’s bacon stripped abs, which are starting to look like garden variety abs, thanks to Isaac’s presto chango bad boo boo erasing wolf powers. (SEE! THE ABS DO GROW BACK! THANK GOODNESS!) Mama McCall is wondering how she is going to explain to her fellows Grey’s Anatomy buddies, how the guy, who, just seconds ago, had a bloody, mashed potato tummy is suddenly in perfect health.

important

Isaac has the answer. He looks directly at the camera and says, “NO, YOU BITCH. GET SCOTT TO HELP! SCOTT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER ON THE SHOW!”

Well, they sure schooled us . . . Speaking of school . . .

Objects in your classroom window are closer than they appear . . .

Was I the only one that thought Lydia’s bedroom boy toy was nothing more than a figment of her imagination . . . kind of like the dead guy she spent half of last season flirting and locking lips with?

sex again

good sexx

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Because if he IS real, then why isn’t he going to school with Lydia? And, more importantly, where the hell are Lydia’s parents?

lydia brave tatikatelena

My mom was pretty low key, when I was in high school . . . but not SO low key that she’d let me spend the morning before my first day of junior year shacking up wanna-be Justin Bieber . . .

bieber fever

Speaking of The Biebs, at school, Lydia notes that she doesn’t want a boyfriend, but is very interested in sex with young boys . . .

fresh men

In context, it’s an acceptable comment, because “Lydia” is only 16. So, it makes perfect sense for her to have interest in 14-year old boys.

fresh boys

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But coming from an actress who is 26 . . . I have to admit it comes off sounding a little creepy . . .

In addition to all the incoming freshman, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Hot Abs are also matriculating at Beacon Hills high this year. They walk the halls in slo mo to pop music, of course . . . because, why not?

slo mo

In English class, the new teacher show’s everybody how “cool and hip,” she is, by sending the entire class a text message containing the final words from Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness. I’m disturbed by the fact that she had all their cell phone numbers.

heart of darkness

It’s a neat idea, in the new, “media” age. But, honestly, if girlfriend REALLY wanted to fit in, she should have texted them passages from something a bit more contemporary . . . like . . . say . . Fifty Shades of Grey?

electrifying

Scott and Allison make a plan to talk later in the day, before Scott is called out of the school on Important Werewolf Duty, because . . . wait for it . . . SCOTT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW . . .

Meanwhile, Stiles and Lydia discuss the recent strange behavior of the animals in Beacon Hills.

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something coming something bad

Deer are throwing themselves into cars. Itty Bitty Purse dogs are BITING LYDIA . . .

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. . . cats are committing suicide, as we find out later (remember when I told you the mighty morphing twins was the second most disturbing part of the episode for me, THIS WAS THE FIRST!)

suicide dont do it

It’s like that awful M. Night Shlamalamadingdong movie with Mark Wahlberg, where the trees make everyone kill themselves . . .

plastic plant

Lydia refuses to believe anything weird is going on, which is why an entire flock of birds has to fly through the school window, in order to prove her wrong!

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dead bird

scary birds

Silly Lydia! You should have listened to your purse dog! The entire cast of Angry Birds had to die because of you!

angry bird

Meanwhile, back in Scottland . .

Derek Hale makes an appearance (and instantly, I forget everything they just told me about “Scott being the most important person on the show.”)

I begin to wonder about the hiring policies at the Beacon Hills Memorial Hospital, when I notice that half the staff walks around with massively untrimmed fingernails and hideously ugly bare monster feet. Now, that’s just unsanitary!

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ew face

One such foot fungused person puts sleepy juice in Isaac’s IV drip . . .

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dopey again

Like I said, Isaac gets to spend most of this episode in a stupor . . .

Another Unhappy Feet candidate wolfs out on Scott in the elevator, just as he’s managed to escape, with a now fully healed, but also completely unconscious Isaac. And I must say, it’s not looking too good for our hero . . .

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Until DEREK MAGICALLY APPEARS! HUZZAH!

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I’m sorry . . . you just can’t keep trying to convince me that “Scott is the most important person on this show,” when Derek’s around being all . . . Dereky . . .

ep 9 yeah derek just teenwolf

Off to the hideaway, they ride . . .

Derek’s Hideaway of Hotness

Scott, Stiles, Derek and Isaac gather at Derek’s “training pad,” to discuss what most of us already knew from watching last season finale, and this season’s trailers. (1) There’s a pack of Alphas in Beacon Hills.(2) They’ve kidnapped Boyd and Erica;

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(3) They leave weird marks on prospective Alpha Pack joiners doors, prompting Derek to paint HIS red, in order to hide the evidence. (Should have gone with black, buddy. Red isn’t really your color.)

red door

Even though Isaac’s stomach is looking as wound free and sexy as ever, Derek rips off the younger man’s shirt and covers him with plantlife to “heal him on the inside.”

Damon eye roll

Nice try, Derek. But you can’t fool us . . .

Speaking of “hidden wounds,” Scott reveals that the reason he wanted a tattoo so badly was to reward himself for pretending not to care about being broken up with Allison . . . you know, even though he spent half the episode talking about how bummed he was about being broken up with Allison . . .

bad scott

So, Derek gamely offers to attack Scott’s arm with a blow torch . . . He says he’s doing this to allow Scott’s tattoo to reemerge from beneath his skin. But honestly, I think he’s just doing it so his bud will SHUT UP ABOUT ALLISON!

blow torch

held down

“OK, OK .. . I’ll stop talking about Allison. Just STOP TORCHING ME!”

Back at school . . .

Alls well that ends . . . not so hot . . .

Recent Hospital Escapee, Wolf Girl races through Beacon Hills High looking for Scott, while there she grabs hold of Lydia’s and Allison’s wrist, leaving a strange mark on them. (Some type of protection spell, perhaps?)

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In hindsight, she probably should have “marked” herself. Because girlfriend ends up getting attacked by the ENTIRE ALPHA PACK, we met earlier in the episode. (I guess they are still really sore about the whole Isaac’s Abs thing. Then again, maybe they are just upset, because none of them have ever had a pedicure, or used a toe nail clipper. That would make me pretty mad.)

mad girl

Interestingly enough, she manages to fight all of them off, without even using her crazy stun gun thingy . . . pretty darn impressive.

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“HIIIIIYAHHH!”

Except, then that Pretending to Be Blind Wolf Leader dude . . .

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cool guy

see or not

. . . with the cane has to come by and ruin everything, by murdering the most badass chica on the show (sorry Allison!), before we even got a chance to learn her name . . .

bloody

surprised-face

Now, that’s just bad manners . . .

Right before he does it, Pretending to be Blind Guy admits that this is all part of his MASTER PLAN to rid the world of Super Wolf Scott, by getting Hot Wolf Derek to kill him somehow . . .

ep 9 yeah shirtless derek

“WHATCHU TALKIN ABOUT RECAPPER?”

Stiles would most definitely not approve . . .

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And that was “Tattoo” in a nutshell . . . Next week on Teen Wolf, Stiles FINALLY gets some nookie, and Sassy Peter Hale returns . . .

See ya then, Wolfbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com] [ My Tumblr] [Fangirls Forever]

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MOUNTAIN ASSSSHHHHHHHH! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season 2 Finale “Master Plan”

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Greetings, Werebangers!  Though it was a bit cartoony at times, and there were a few too many “plot-sicles” (Yes, I just made up a new word.) left hanging by the end of the hour for my taste, “Master Plan” was nothing if not entertaining.  The hour was jam packed with no less than FIVE potential deaths (though two of them just so happened to be by the same person), one breakup, one makeup, one surprise twist that resulted in the most unintentionally hilarious shouting of the words “MOUNTAIN ASH,” I suspect I will ever hear in my lifetime, one massive supernatural brawl to the tune of the series’ theme song, and a beautifully well-lit extended shot of Colton Hayne’s ass . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty thanks to my pal Andre, who’s kickass screencaps are the Shiny Key that keeps me from turning into a Snot-Secreting Giant Killer Lizard, each week. :)]

In which everyone thinks that Jackson is dead (but we know he’s SNOT) . . .

“Let’s see . . . so far, this series, you’ve made a claw come out of my mouth, black blood come out of my ears, a snake come out of my eyeball, green scales come out of my neck, a tail come out of my ass, and now THIS.  Can’t a guy temporarily die in peace?”

When we last left our favorite boy vengeance lizard, he had just attempted reptil-icide, by clawing out his insides in the middle of a lacrosse field.  (Now, if that doesn’t constitute a game penalty, I don’t know what does!)

Shortly thereafter, the medics arrive to cart away the seemingly DOA Jackson and his decidedly Swiss-Cheese looking tummy.  Being the “kind and generous” soul she is, Mama McCall volunteers to ride in the ambulance with him.

“Ooh!  Can I come along?  Can I?  Can I?  This is the most lines of dialogue I’ve had all season!

Now, normally, this would be against ambulance policy.  But hey!  It’s not like his actual parents (1) are present; (2) know, or seem to give two leaping lizards (See what I did there?), about the fact that their son might be future worm food.  (For the record, I’d like to think that if I randomly started spending my evenings as a big green ugly monster / mass murderer, my parents would sense something was up enough to at least wonder whether I was “on drugs.”)

“In my defense, Jackson is not my biological son.  Tyler Lockwood from The Vampire Diaries is my Real Son.  (And I didn’t give two craps about him, either).”

So, Mama McCall is graciously invited along for the trip!

Later, we are at the morgue.  And Mama McCall is still hanging out with Dead?Jackson!  (OH, honey, I know he’s pretty.  And I know you’re lonely.  But, trust me, girl.  You really can do better than an under-aged half-lizard corpse encased in a cocoon of snot . . .)

“I just want to be loved, dammit!  Love me, Dead Snot MAN!”

Oh, that’s right!  I haven’t even gotten to the part about the snot yet!  You see, I’ve come to the conclusion that every episode of Teen Wolf must, as a rule, contain at least one moment that will cause me to gag uncontrollably.  In “Master Plan,” this was the first of three . . .

As if it wasn’t nauseating enough that Jackson’s been leaking more mucus than Sneezy the Dwarf, this season, now he’s literally covered in the stuff.  (Yes, yes . . . I’m aware that it’s supposed to be “venom.”  But it sure as heck looks like snot to me!)

Frightened, and more than a little bit grossed out, Mama McCall, who, last I checked, was not a medical examiner, calls her son and his new f*&k buddy bestie, Isaac — who are also not medical examiners, so that the three of them can all stand around and gawk at Jackson’s naked, booger-covered, corpse.

“I can’t believe I gave up tickets to The Dark Knight Rises for this . . .”

Now, that’s what I call Family Bonding . . .

One thing can be said about Jeff Davis and Co.  They definitely know all the tricks in the book, when it comes to creating a Good Scare Moment.  And they do so here, as Mama McCall unzips Jackson’s body bag very . . . verrrry . . . slooooowwwwly . . .

What’s the matter Mama McCall, afraid of waking Mr. Snotty Pants?

Oops . . . too late.


Question out there to anyone who knows “stuff” about lizards.  Do they really have teeth like that?  Because . . . yuck.

Anywhoo . . . Mama McCall zips that body bag back up faster than you can say, “lizard dentures.”  Of course, it’s uncertain whether Mommy Dearest does this more because she’s afraid of getting eaten by those rotted chompers, or because Jackson is suffering from a wicked case of post-death Halitosis . . .

In which Stiles gets his ass handed to him by a dying old geezer, for no logical reason (but it still makes us cry) . . .

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Elsewhere, Stiles gets literally thrown into the Argent’s basement by some faceless Roid-head type.  (Geez!  How many Argents are there in this town?  Because I’m starting to think that these guys could give that wacky Duggar family a run for their money when it comes good old fashioned baby-making . . .  Come to think of it, maybe that’s why Allison only dates Scott.  Maybe he’s the only guy in town to whom she’s sure she’s not related!)

After belly flopping on the hard cold ground (What’s the matter?  Couldn’t spring for carpeting Argents?  Is money really that tight in the werewolf murder business?), Stiles finds himself face to face with the Argent’s newest tree ornaments, Boyd and Erica, who are quickly eclipsing Stiles, as the most consistently physically abused members of this cast . . .

This whole “being a werewolf” thing sounded a whole lot better in the instructional pamphlet . . .

Through some random exposition, we learn that the reason this loveable were-pair is currently dangling from the Argent’s ceiling, is that they are getting slowly charbroiled by bolts of electricity.  And the reason they are getting slowly charbroiled by bolts of electricity, is because Jeff Davis secretly loves torture porn because this apparently keeps them from wolfing out.  (This kind of makes me wonder why Derek didn’t use the same tactic, when he was trying to nurse his cubs through their first Full Moon together, a few weeks back.  Then again, if he had done that, it might have actually worked we probably wouldn’t have gotten to see this . . .

Oh hey!  Gerard has joined this party!  He’s come to emasculate Poor Stiles, by showing him that he can, in fact, be beaten up by a 98-year old (or, whatever age this guy is).

“I totally OWNED that young whipper snapper!”

Seriously, Teen Wolf?  Isn’t it bad enough that all Stiles’ friends are supernatural superheroes, and he never gets laid?  Now, you’ve got to have him SH*TCANNED by Oldies?  What’s next?  Is Betty White going to pop by give him a few drop kicks, and a punch in the face?

What made the scene even more difficult to watch was the fact that Stiles didn’t even try to fight back . . . not in the least.  This, actually got me thinking . . . to all you male viewers out there, who patently refuse to hit women (which, I sincerely, hope, is ALL of you Y chromosome owners), do you utilize the same standard when it comes to male geezers?  If so, at what age does it become patently immoral to clock an oldie in the face with your fist?   I’m serious.  I’d like to know your thoughts on this issue . . .

Now, I guess it’s safe to assume that the Argents kidnapped Boyd and Erica, in hopes of torturing them into giving up Derek’s location.  However, Gerard’s reasoning for hijacking Stiles is a bit more murky.  Was he meant to be used as bait for Derek or Scott?  Because it kind of seems like Grandpa just knocked the kid around a few times, and sent him packing . . .

“So yeah, I’m going to head on home now.  If you need anything, just yell . . . oh, wait, nevermind . . .”

That said — and I know I’m a totally awful person for saying this – but Beat-up!Stiles looked kind of sexy . .  . like Brad Pitt in Fight Club sexy.  I mean, he was dinged up just enough that you would felt bad for him, but not enough that it really messed up his adorable face.  Clearly, the makeup department Gerard has a talent for giving people attractive bruises . . .

Don’t be sad, Stiles.  Chicks dig scars . . .

Anyway, Stiles came home and had a tearful reunion with Papa Stilinski, so that we could all meet our Teen Wolf Weekly Cry Quota.

And then our snarky hero pretty much moped around in his room for three-quarters of the episode.  (Hey, you’d be bummed out too, if you just got the poop kicked out of you by a 109-year old!)

I’m never helping old people cross the street ever again!

At least, that’s what he did, until a Special Someone entered his bedroom .  . .

In which Stiles and Lydia, once again, remind us why we should shop at Macy’s  . . .

Be still my beating hard, Lydia is in Stiles’ bedroom at night.  And we all remember what happened when Stiles was in Lydia’s bedroom, back in Season 1, don’t we?

*grumbles* I’m not going to mince words here.  This scene was a major cock tease (and female equivalent) for Stiles and Lydia fans.

In fact, when it comes to cock teases, this scene almost rivals that one time we almost got to see Stiles without his shirt on in sheer cock teasiness . . .

I mean, it just had so much potential!  Think about it.  The couple is alone in the bedroom.  They are both feeling emotionally raw and vulnerable . . .  It could have been EPIC.

It wasn’t . . .

Things started off promising enough, with Lydia, the “Beautiful Crier,” beautifully crying as she stares, with puppy dog eyes at Stiles and his oh so sexy Fight Club face wounds . . .

“Come on!  Kiss me, you fool.  This is the stuff fanfictions are made of!”

Except, she’s not crying for Stiles . . .

Remember that time when Jackson asked Lydia for the key to his house back?  But she never got around to actually giving it back to him, because they started making out, and then he TURNED INTO A LIZARD?

Well, Lydia certainly remembers.  And now that Jackson might be dead, she really wants to give him his key.  After all, he’s a Possibly Dead Guy.  And when you are a Possibly Dead Guy, you just never know when your Not-Biological Parents are going to send you invitations to family dinner.  And when you get those invitations, you’re going to need a key . . . because . . . they aren’t going to let you in, once they see how badly you’ve decomposed . . .

“Dead Guys need home cooked meals sometimes too!”

Let’s get back to that key in a minute, because Lydia has suddenly become distracted by the need to be in this week’s obnoxiously obvious Macy’s commercial shiny objects . . . and by shiny objects I mean REALLY BIG MACY’S BAGS (Show the label, MTV!  You have to show the label, like you’ve done for these past two weeks.  Otherwise it doesn’t count!) filled with really small items of jewelry.

“Hi Teen Wolf fans.  Check out my MACY’S bags.  Because I shop at MACY’S.  Yes, MACY’S.  (Nod and smile, or I’ll have to show them to you again.)”

“Ah-ha!”  Stydia fans say!  Now, we will finally learn what was IN THAT BOX . . . You know the one, don’t you?

Yep, that’s the one . . .

Except, we don’t . . .

But we do get to find out what things Stiles ended up not giving Lydia for her birthday, which, included, among other things, a whole lot of jewelry from Macy’s!  Remind them that it’s from MACY’S!, and . . . wait for it . . . a massively large Flatscreen TV . . .

“Hey Lydia, I bought you a TV, so that you can watch Teen Wolf, and learn what an idiot you are for choosing Jackson over Stiles.

(They must pay single-parent sheriffs really well in Beacon Hills.  Because, last I checked, Stiles doesn’t have a job . . . not even one of the dinky, embarrassingly low-paying ones, most of us end up getting in high school.)

Anyway, call me tremendously naive, because I truly believed that Lydia would be touched enough to kiss Stiles, when she saw all these un-given gifts . . .

But NOOOOOO . . . she just wanted to talk about getting Jackson that DAMN KEY!  I was MAD!

Stiles was mad too, which was why he yelled at her . . . in that sexually tense, “I’m yelling at you, because I’m feeling very emotional right now, and I secretly want to jump your bones” kind of way . . .

“Stop moping about your stupid key, and look at my sexy face wound! NOW!”

Because Stiles hates the idea of Lydia putting Jackson’s life before her own.  He finds it selfish  . . . that’s right, I said selfish, because, by putting his life before her own, Lydia is presenting the rest of the world with the very real possibility of having to cope with her eventual death, just like Papa Stilinski (and, I guess, Scott, if he wasn’t busy doing other things) had to cope with Stiles being kidnapped and drop kicked by a 506-year old man . . .

See, it all comes full circle . . .

Now, me?  If someone was yelling at me like that, all fiery and passionate, and caring and stuff, I totally would have kissed him . . . .

Lydia?  She left . . .

It’s time for Dad to come back to give Stiles another pep talk about being “The Hero,” even though his version of “The Hero” always seems to get beaten up, rejected, ignored in favor of lizardy douchebags, and never gets laid . . .

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Spiderman and Batman would definitely not approve.  But the sentiment was still very nice, Papa Stilinski.  You get an “A” for effort.

Your words also might have ultimately convinced Stiles to do the very selfless and heroic thing he ended up doing toward the end of the episode.  But more on that later . . .

In which Peter goes from Psychotic Murderous Gorilla-Thing Alpha to Derek Hale’s Wisecracking Yoda, in two episodes flat . . .

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Now, I love me some sexy, undead, Peter Hale.  So, I’m not going to complain.  But since when does coming back from the dead, through an elaborate scheme that involves possessing a teenager, drugging a bunch of high school kids, and having your nephew’s unconscious body dragged across town, result in a Complete Personality Transplant?

Are we really supposed to believe that Uncle Peter, who, last season was Mad as Heck and KILLING EVERYONE, really went through all this trouble to come back to life, just so that he can be a Wise Snarky Sidekick for Derek Hale?

After all, our Scooby Gang already has a Velma (Stiles), and a Guy Who Spouts Off Random Expository Mythological Mumbo Jumbo When Necessary (the Vet).  So, what exactly is Peter Hale bringing to the table, this time around (aside from his SASSY, of course ;))?

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No matter.  This week, Peter is helpful, with his surprise hidden laptop, that just so happens to show the real reason Jackson is currently encased in snot.

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Apparently, like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, Jackson is a Beta Kanaima, turning into an Alpha Kanaima . . .   Also, like a butterfly, he’s going to HAVE WINGS . . .

Peter even found an animation of it, which he isn’t going to show you, because it’s Too Hot for TV . . .

I don’t know, given the fact that Jackson never actually TURNED into an Alpha Kanaima just like no one actually BECAME the kanaima, just because they broke the Rules of the Kanaima, as was hinted a few episodes back, I would have at least liked to have seen the video.  Wouldn’t you?

In which Allison sasses her dad / has Evil!Hair . . .

Allison shares with her dad her best impersonation of THAT gymnast . . .

Speaking of sh*t we didn’t see, we never did find out what was in that letter that made Allison become such an uber b*tch.  At this point in the story, we are led to believe that Allison is well aware of at least a good portion of Gerard’s wacko plans, including his kidnapping / electro-shock therapy of Boyd and Erica, his manipulation of the Kanaima, maybe even his kidnapping Stiles.  And, much like the honey badger, she just “don’t care” . . .

She also doesn’t care for her father trying to talk some sense into her, by kindly explaining that she’s become Grandpa Slave just as much as Kanaima Jackson has . . .

Given the way she’s been treating everyone lately, I’m kind of glad Daddy Dearest broke her stupid crossbow.  B*tch totally deserved it . . .

Chris Argent – He may not be as warm and cuddly as Sheriff Stilinski (but he does drive a faster car) . . .

As the only remaining Argent who hasn’t lost his marbles at this point in the story, Papa Argent earns major points this week for freeing Boyd and Erica, and, ultimately, allying with Team Scooby, to stop Grandpa Crazy Pants and intercept the Kanaima.  He even gave part of the gang a ride to the Warehouse, where Jackson was being held, in his uber-fast Mid Life Crisis Car . . .

Rumble in the Were-House!

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for . . . the Battle Royale, in which Lizards, Werewolves and Hunters all assume their true form, and inexplicably kick the crap out of one another to the tune of the show’s theme song, for three glorious minutes, while Peter just kind of hides in the backround, and makes funny faces.

“What, and mess up this hairdo?  Seriously!”

There’s a twist though.  The fight ends with the kanaima GRABBING ALLISON, even though the two were supposedly on the same team.

“Come on!  Don’t you think we make a cute couple?”

That’s right, Werebangers.  It’s that time again . . . for the Big Bad Villain to give his Big Bad Villain Speech, and explain the REAL reason, why he’s been doing all these Big Bad Things, all season long.

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As it turns out, Grandpa Argent didn’t come to town to avenge his daughter’s death at all . . . and he didn’t link to the kanaima to kill Derek.  Truth be told, Grandpa Werewolf Hater . . . he who was so quick to convince Papa Argent to kill his wife, has really been going through all this trouble to . . . wait for it. . . force Scott to force Derek to turn the old man into a WEREWOLF . . .

SCOTT: “Come on, lay one on him!”

DEREK: “But I don’t WANNA!  He’s wrinkly.  Can’t I give Stiles a hickey instead?”

How’s that for a surprise!  You know how Grandpa has been popping those pills all season, well, basically that’s because he’s dying of cancer.  And he won’t be dying of cancer, anymore, if he becomes a werewolf . . . even if that would make him the thing he hates most in this world . . .

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Seemingly trapped, we see Scott force Derek to give the geezer the bite.  The latter raises his teeth-marked arm in triumph . . .

“Huzzah!  I’m bleeding black blood!  HOORAY . . . wait . . . what?”

 . . . and then all that gross black sh*t starts spurting out of every orifice of his body, and I become nauseated for the third time this hour . . .

Now, this is how those Grumpy Old Men movies SHOULD have ended . . .

BUT WHY?  You might be wondering . . .

Because, my friends . . . wait for it . . . SCOTT HAD A PLAN!

This for me is the most surprising twist of the episode, that Scott did something kind of smart for once in his life . . . though, actually, I imagine it was mostly the Vet’s idea.  Of course, Scott at least gets credit for SMELLING Grandpa’s death, just like Isaac smelled it on that cute puppy a few weeks back . . .

Through flashbacks, we learn that Scott and the Vet have secretly been filling Gerard’s cancer pills with .. . wait for it . . .

AHHH!  MY FAVORITE PART OF THE EPISODE.  Come on!  How could you NOT laugh at that?  That’s friggin hilarious.  Here, let’s watch it again . . .

Then Grandpa Crazy Pants drops to the ground in a black bloody mess.  And we THINK he’s dead.  But he’s actually just heading out to play a good ole game of “Hide and Seek.”  See you next season, ya Wackadoodle . . .

In which Lydia and Jackson have their “Yellow Crayon” Moment (and we are annoyed on Stiles’ behalf) . . .

Named after a scene from Buffy the Vampire Slayer in which a temporarily EVIL!Willow, is brought back from the brink, by her pal reminding her of that one time in band camp, when she stuck a flute up her p*ssy that time in kindergarten when she cried over a broken yellow crayon, because crying over broken yellow crayons =’s HUMANITY with a capital “H,” Yellow Crayon Moments are ones where one TV character helps another regain his or her grip on reality through the use of a seemingly useless, but highly symbolic totem . . . you know . . . kind of like Leonardo DiCaprio’s spinning top in Inception except, not like that at all . . .

Off-screen, Stiles must have changed his mind about the whole “Hero” thing, because he ends up bringing Lydia to the warehouse after all.  She gives Jackson his key.

“What, no flat screen TV?  Cheap B*tch!”

The pair then flashback to “better days” . . .  you know, when Lydia and Jackson could bone regularly without fear of Jackson turning green and scaly, or Lydia, screaming like a banshee and running naked around the forest . . .

Apparently, this boning flashback is supposed to symbolize TRUE LOVE . . .

So, Jackson turns human again. HOORAY!

Annnnnd . . . then Derek and Peter stab him from both sides, and, presumably, kill him . . .

“What’s the matter, Jackson?  Are you ticklish?  I bet you are!  *tickle, tickle, tickle*  Oops!  Damn claws!”

Lydia kneels at his side, reminding him that, yes, she still loves his green scaly, serial killing self.  We’ll miss you, Jackson!  Have fun in Heaven . . . except, under the circumstances, that’s probably not where you’re going . . .

Buuuuut, suddenly,  Jackson’s back up again, to the tune of triumphant music.  Now, his ass lit up like the SUN!  It’s GLORIOUS!

“I’m too sexy to be a kanaima . . . too sexy to be a kanaima . . . too sexy to . . . something that rhymes with kanaima (enema?)”

Or, as Glorious as Ex-Kanaima Butt Porn can be . . .

You see, Jackson found his identity, he’s REBORN as a WEREWOLF . . . a BLUE-EYED werewolf, like the Hales, not a GOLD-EYED one like everyone else . . .

“Now, I’m BEAUTIFUL!”

Now, is this because of the whole “rebirth” thing, or does it have something to do with Jackson’s lineage?  Tune in next season to find out . . .

Oh, I almost forgot, Jackson and Lydia are back together again.  And they are PDA-ing all over the place, while Stiles is stuck watching . . .

Seriously, dude just CANNOT catch a break, this week . . .

In which a bunch of other random stuff happens to set us up for next season . . .

I remember, back in the day, watching that third Lord of the Rings movie, and just cracking up, because the damn thing just NEVER EVER ended . . . every time the screen faded to black, I was up and out of my seat like an Olympic sprinter, ready to dash out of the theater and beat the post-3.5 hour movie potty line . . . and every single time, I was rewarded for my patience with YET ANOTHER FINAL SCENE.  There, were like ten of them . . . I may, or may not have ended up peeing in my pants . . .

Why am I telling you this?  Because this was precisely how Jeff Davis chose to end Season 2 of Teen Wolf .  . . that sneaky bastard.  First, we got the scene with Boyd and Erica surrounded by werewolves, doing that butt wiggle thing Derek does so well .  . .

Then, we learn from Peter Hale that those werewolves are actually a PACK OF ALPHA’S (though none of them look like Peter’s Gorilla Alpha . . . weird) out to reclaim their territory.

THEN, Allison breaks up with Scott, and he’s surprisingly chill about the whole thing.  (Oh, P.S. She’s not evil anymore.)

“No worries . . . I’ll just go shopping for a new girlfriend . . . at MACY’S.”

Then, the Vet and the Guidance Counselor have one of their annoyingly cryptic conversations, while clad in this show’s trademark black leather jackets, while dipping their gloved hands in Gerard’s nasty black blood . . .

He’d much rather show you another finger, but this is a family blog  . . .

FINALLY . . . Stiles and Scott . . . um . . . play lacrosse together? No, seriously, that’s actually how it ended. 🙂

And that was “Master Plan” in a nutshell.  And that was our Season.  I wanted to thank all of you guys who shared it with me, whether it was through your kickass comments, or just by reading my inane ramblings, every once in a while (even if you skipped the boring parts :)).  It’s truly been a blast!  See ya next season, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever – Now with Team Stiles and Team Derek tees!]

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Post-Traumatic Kanaima Syndrome – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Battlefield”

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OMG, Werebangers!  We are officially one episode away from the end of the season!  It seems like only yesterday that we watched Lydia take the Dirtiest Shower Ever, and we all made fun of Scott and his trademark Crab-Leg / Run-Waddle . . .

This week on Teen Wolf, Derek received some “Uncle-y” (Is that an actual word?) Advice, Allison proved that the Psycho Argent Gene might not have skipped a generation, after all, Stiles proved that he might actually be Batman (though, personally, the Spiderman analogy always made more sense to me), Isaac fondled an adorable puppy, and Scott spent the hour looking even more confused than usual . . .

So, strap on your helmet and brush up on your knowledge of the film Independence Day, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf-cap . . .

[As always, special thanks go out to my pal, Andre for his weekly dedication to Screencap Awesomeness!  Andre, just so you know, I would totally beat people up on the lacrosse field, for you, if you asked nicely. ;)]

Hyper-Vigilence

I hear lacrosse sticks are a good source of fiber.

One frequent criticism lodged at teen shows, in general, and teen supernatural shows, specifically, is that they tend to be purposefully blind to the long-term impact that repeated exposure to traumatic events would have on the average teen psyche.

Teen Wolf has managed to avoid this pitfall, with episodes like “Battlefield.”  These episodes directly address how the events of the series are impacting the main characters’ lives, in a way that actually adds to, rather than detracts from, the action of the story.

I guess we have Cryptic Counselor Lady to thank for that . . .

The episode begins on an unusually somber note, with everyone’s favorite ambassador of Team Human, nervously gnawing on his lacrosse stick (Mmmm!  Tasty!), as he describes to Cryptic Counselor Lady, in chilling detail, what the experience of drowning feels like . . . the way the water exerts pressure on the body .  . . the way the body struggles to keep itself from filling with water .  . . and the peaceful feeling that takes over right before death . . .

This doesn’t look so peaceful to me . . .

Woah,  Stiles!  Have you been chatting with Dead Creepy Camera Guy, lately?  How do you know all this stuff about drowning?  Did you look it up on Wikipedia?  Morbid much?  Whatever happened to teens who spent their free internet search time scouring for porn, like everyone else? 🙂

“So, basically WebMD says that little problem you’ve been having down there is totally normal for werewolves, who come back from the dead through weird hand-holding rituals.”

And yet, in a way, Stiles has experienced drowning, firsthand . . . though it’s drowning in the metaphorical sense, more than the literal one.  Like a drowning man, Stiles is feeling pressure exerted on him from all angles.  He feels responsible for his father’s sadness (But hey, at least thanks to all those dead cops, the dude got his job back!), Allison’s rage, Jackson’s and Lydia’s respective psychoses, and Scott’s confusion and loneliness.   He wants to help the people he cares about, but feels that his humanity makes him incapable of doing so.  He’s also pretty f*&kin’ freaked out that he might just end up getting eaten alive by a Big F*&kin’ Lizard Man .  . .

Cryptic Counselor Lady, as it turns out, has a medical  diagnosis for “pretty f*&kin freaked out.”  It’s called Hyper Vigilant.  (Take that, Freshman Psychology Class!)  She also has some advice for Stiles, courtesy of Winston Churchill.  “If you are going through Hell, keep going.”

Insightful?  Yes, definitely.  Inspirational?  Oh, I don’t know.  Personally, when I’m going through Hell, I prefer to stop and take a nap . . .

Either way, Dylan O’Brien and his puppy dog eyes absolutely KILLED this scene, adding an unusual amount of gravitas to a show about funny-faced werewolves, gorilla-looking Alphas, and Lizard People, who are afraid of their own reflections . . .  The actor is just awe-inspiringly talented.  And I for one, can’t wait for the time, when he’s off winning Oscars, and I get to brag to everyone I know, that I knew him back when he was on that little MTV show with the funny-faced werewolves, gorilla-loooking Alphas, and Lizard People, who are afraid of their own reflections . . .

Who’s with me on this one?

Cue the obligatory Scott Shower Scene in 3, 2 . . .

“Hey Ladies!  I’m the wolf your man could smell like . . .”

Lest we get too serious, too quickly, the episode then decides to dial up it’s camp factor to about 20 with a revisit to Naked Shower Scott.  You remember Naked Shower Scott,  right?  We met him back in the pilot, and he’s been having regular cameos on the show ever since.  After all, when you spend a good portion of your time running around the woods chasing squirrels, and running from lizard people,  hygiene is VERY important . . .

Naked Shower Scott not campy enough for you?  How about this doozy of an image?

“Just hangin’ out . . .”

Sadly, this is Mama McCall’s first date since Peter Hale . . .

That’s right, Werebangers! It appears the McCalls have unwittingly thrown themselves a private party, at which scaly green men, and wrinkly old men are the guests of honor.  Poor Mama McCall!  Not too long ago, she found out her son occasionally sports sideburns, a bad hairdo, and a pointy face that literally only a mother could love.  Now, suddenly, she’s hanging out on her werewolf son’s ceiling, spooning with a murderous kanaima.

I guess, when it rains, it pours, right?

Grandpa Crazy Pants reminds Scott that this is what happens, when the latter doesn’t return his text messages . . . his mom starts hooking up with lizard people.  Pops then goes on to explain to those confused by the events of last week’s episode, that his desire to avenge his daughter Wackjob Kate’s death,  is what made him capable of forging the Kanaima Master connection.

“‘S-up, Wolfie?”

I guess he’s right.   But, then again, what character on this show DOESN’T have at least one death to avenge?  Truth be told, Kanaima Jackson has so many options for a Master in Beacon Hills, he could star in his own reality dating show entitled: Can I be your b*tch?

Anyway, after Gerard and his b*tch exit stage left, a tearful Mama McCall begs Scott to do whatever Grandpa Crazy Pants wants him to do, i.e. provide Derek Hale’s head on a platter . . .

Clearly, Mama McCall has never seen the episode of Teen Wolf where Derek spent ten minutes doing push-ups and pull-ups to pop music . . .

Had she seen this, I’m quite certain she would have chosen differently.   After all, a six-pack and great pects are a terrible thing to waste . . .

Baby, I’m howling for you . . .

Here’s a new couple idea for you: Boyd and Erica . .  . the Absentee Werewolf and Tweedle Dumb Boobs.

We found love in a hairy place . . .

I’ll admit, I was skeptical at first.  But eventually, they won me over . . . holding hands in the middle of the woods, like high school sweethearts, finishing each other’s sentences, calculating the percent chance of certain doom, when they find themselves surrounded by a seemingly large pack of wolves that isn’t there own.  It’s a romantic comedy dream come true . . . minus the comedy, of course . . .

Love hurts . . .

And if these two crazy kid both wind-up surviving the season, which, under the circumstances, is highly unlikely, I think they just might make it as a couple . . .

After all, they did find love in a hopeless place.  Stay strong, were-cubs!  Help is on the way . . . eventually.

Who in their right mind would reject Derek Hale?

Scratch that, were-cubs.  Help was on the way, until you bit the hand that fed you.  So much for pack loyalty.  One creepy lizard thing controlled by a werewolf-hating sociopath, and a pack of potentially angry wolves, is all it takes to send Erica and Boyd literally heading for the hills.

“Honestly, we’re just not that into you.

“But I was on SEVENTH HEAVEN.  Doesn’t that mean anything to you ingrates?”

And as bad as I felt for Derek about being double-dumped, I was actually a bit more concerned about Erica’s and Boyd’s parents.  I mean, considering they were being referred to as “the runaways” throughout the entire hour,  they HAD them, didn’t they?  Perhaps, they assumed their sticking around would put their families in danger of becoming kanaima meat as well . . .

Upon hearing the bad news that, “it’s not you, it’s the kanaima,” a particularly sour grapes Derek warns his little cub-lings that once they start running scared, they will ALWAYS be running scared.  I suspect Derek knows a thing or two about that from personal experience.

That, and he looks really hot when he runs . . .

No matter, because,  as it turns out, Erica and Boyd don’t actually get to do much running at all .  . .

Because Grandpa Argent clearly laces his fake suicide notes with crack and Cult Kool-Aid . . .

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Katniss Everdeen does not approve . . .

Honestly,  I’m a bit confused about what exactly the “strategy” was that convinced an entire team of Argents, led by Allison and Papa Argent to drive down Erica and Boyd in a troop of ATVs.  Forgive me, if I’m wrong, but I thought it was established last week that “Derek got the Death Sentence priority,” and the were-cubs were only a target, if they got in the way. Well, I hate to break it to you Argents, but Erica and Boyd, are SOOOO not getting in your way!  In fact, they are saying, “Hey, Argents!  You go ahead and kill that hunky piece of man-meat known as our were-dad.  We sure as heck aren’t going to stop you!”

“Wake us, when our maker is dead . . .”

I mean, I guess their idea was to use Boyd and Erica to get to Derek, either through interrogation or ransom.  But still, the “strategy” seems to pretty blatantly fly in the face of that whole “Argent Code.”  Don’t you think?

Oh, and ATV’S?  Not exactly the most stealthy hunting vehicles.  You might as well tracked down Boyd and Erica using monster trucks . . .

ALLISON: “Be very, very quiet . . . I’m hunting werewolves.”

CHRIS: “WHAT?!  I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE ENGINE!”

Anywhoo, Allison pulls out her trusty bow and arrow, and shoots Erica in the side, immediately immobilizing her.  Then, when Boyd (lamely) tries to come to her aid (HELLO!  YOU ARE WEREWOLVES!  DEFEND YOURSELVES!  SHAKE WHAT YOUR DEREK GAVE YOU!), Allison’s got an arrow for him too, multiple arrows, in fact.

“Heartburn . . . need . . . TUMS.”

Did I mention that Allison continues to pelt poor Erica and Boyd with arrows, despite the fact that they have long been immobilized,  and neither is a threat anymore.  It gets to the point where Papa Argent has to literally shoot the bow and arrow out of Allison’s hand to get her to stop having so much fun!

Now, granted, werewolves heal.  So, unless the bullets on those bows were silver tipped, Allison was in no danger of killing Boyd or Erica, no matter how many of them she wasted on them.   Still though, it was an uncharacteristically cold move on Allison’s part.  And when your wacky, “I kidnap my own daughter sometimes,  just to teach her a lesson” father, thinks you’ve gone too far, it’s a pretty safe bet that you have . . .

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Even more uncharacteristic of Allison was the surprisingly sleazy and arrogant joy she got out of capturing her two classmates.  This accomplishment she haughtily took full credit for, in front of her father, just before gleefully calling “Grandpa” to report the good news.  That’s right, I said “Grandpa.”  Allison used to distance herself from the loony tunes old dude who spawned her father, by coldly referring to him as “Gerard.”  Now, suddenly, she’s acting like their Mean Girl besties.

Daddy definitely does NOT approve . . .

My thoughts on this plot development?  Too much, too fast . . .

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved seeing the heretofore almost frustratingly even=keeled Allison come a bit unhinged in these past few weeks over the death of her mother.  And, acting-wise, Crystal Reed has really been “bringing it” in this regard.  But what made Good Girl  Allison’s slow descent in to Darth Vader territory seem so authentic and believable was that it was all anchored by a heart-wrenching sadness, and a lazer-like focus on Derek, the man she presumes to be her mother’s killer.

This week, Allison just seemed a little too happy for my liking.  Her sudden glee over repeatedly shooting her classmates, when they were already down, for no reason whatsoever, was a bit hard for me to swallow.

Whatever Gerard put in that faux suicide letter must have been pretty darn powerful stuff to get Allison to change her ENTIRE personality for it, in the course of a week.  Hey, maybe he laced it with that same crazy (“kill all the humans”) Cult Blood the vampires have been inhaling on True Blood . . .

A Hale Family Zombie Reunion

Back at the Hale house,  Derek’s day just continues to get worse,  as he finds himself faced with the Uncle he both killed, and unwittingly helped to come back from the dead.  (How very Shakespearean!)

“You can tell I’m more dignified now, because I have a soul patch, and use hair gel . . .”

The two family members “catch up” with one another, by tossing household items at one another, and basically beating the sh*t at each other for a few hours.  You know, just like old times!

Then, Peter (who, I’ll say this again, has been looking SUPER fine, since his reincarnation) decides to go all Yoda on Derek’s ass.  “Save Jackson, you will.  Teach you to stop being such a lame Alpha,  I can,” Yoda Peter tells his nephew, more or less . . .

Peter claims that Jackson only became the kanaima in the first place, because he lacked a sense of identity.  (That whole “no face” hallucination in the “Party Guessed” episode would seem to prove as much . . .)  He further explains that calling Jackson by his “Christian” name, should be enough to bring him back to himself.  (I guess being a burned-up corpse  in the ground gives you a lot of time to catch up on your Bestiary reading . . .)

Oh, and here’s the kicker,  Peter claims that the Hale’s should use Lydia to save Jackson, since he looooooooves her so much.

Is it just a mere coincidence that the person Peter wants to incorporate into their grand Kanaima-Away plan for Jackson Wittemore, just so happens to be the same girl Uncle ex-Alpha has been mind-raping, and using as his zombie slave all season?  I think not  . . .

Because, here’s the thing, I don’t care how hot he looks lately, I’m totally not buying Peter’s whole “I just want to be part of a pack again,” act.   A few episodes back, the Vet explicitly told Derek to watch out for Peter’s attempts to mentally manipulate him.  Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what’s happening here . . .

Good Old Animal Magnetism

As much as I pick on Scott, I’m actually really enjoying the Scott / Isaac bromance that’s been percolating throughout the season.  So, I hope that continues, and they don’t decide to .  . . you know . . . kill the guy, or something.

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One thing that was never really addressed with Isaac were his thoughts about the whole “Matt Thing,” especially since we learned that the two were childhood friends, and that Matt was playing at his house, when the whole “drowning thing” occurred.  So, presumably, Isaac knew about it.  I wonder if that aspect of the story will ever come up again . . .

Anywhoo, I found it interesting that while Boyd and Erica decided amongst themselves to abandon Derek, and escape Beacon Hills, Isaac came to world-beater Scott at the Vet’s office for advice.

You could say THAT again . . .

Of all of Derek’s wolf pack, Isaac actually had the least to lose by leaving, since he LITERALLY has no one keeping him in Beacon Hills.  And yet, I still feel like he’s grasping for some connection, or reason to stay in town.  Derek Hale wasn’t that connection.  Neither was Erica Reyes.  Scott might be.  Except, Scott’s already got a whole Scooby Gang to wolf-sit.  Is there room for one more?  Tune in next week to find out . . .

“We can have slumber parties, and paint eachothers’ nails . . . just promise you won’t invite the swim team over, K?”

Oh, and did I mention that Werewolf Isaac has the power to fondle puppies and take their pain away.  Does it get much cuter than that?

“He can ‘take my pain away’ anytime!”

Too bad I’m pretty sure this power is going to be used to take the pain away from a dying human next week.

But for now, we can just enjoy the adorable puppy love-ness of it all . . .

Because lacrosse games are exactly like Potentially Apocalyptic Alien Invasions . . .

It’s time for the Big Game. Jackson the Lizard Slave is in attendance, looking eeeeevvvill.  Pal Dann wants to know why Jackson hasn’t been returning his calls.  Maybe it’s because Hallmark hasn’t started selling: “Sorry, I became the kanaima and accidentally / on purpose paralyzed you, while going on my killing spree” cards just yet . . .

“Is this because I watched your sex tape?”

“That depends.  Did you enjoy it?”

Regardless, Danny’s reaching out and calling to Jackson seems to break him out of his kanaima-fueled trance (just like Lydia was able to do last week) long enough to tell his best friend to RUN, if he sees him coming toward him at the game.  Solid advice, Kanaima man!

Meanwhile, Coach Crackhead is inexplicably quoting the 1996 classic Alien Invasion Film, Independence Day (starring Will Smith and Bill Pullman as . . . wait for it . . . the President of the United States) — a movie that the entire locker room is way too young to have possibly seen in theaters — in order to rev the team up for their big game.

“That Bill Pullman is SO dreamy!”

(Well, I guess the kanaima is kind of alien-looking, when you really think about it.  So, perhaps, the film reference isn’t quite as out there as it initially seemed.)

“Who you calling an ALIEN?”

Speaking of out there,  what the frack is Scott’s mom doing in the gym locker room, ogling naked teenage boys?  I mean sure, we needed to see her go tell Scott to “be a hero” or something, and tell him that she no longer thinks he’s hideous, just because he sometimes gets sideburns and a pointy face.  But couldn’t this have waited until the team got to the field?

“You can’t fight it, Stiles.  I know if I wait here long enough,  eventually you are going to have to take off your shirt.”

Then again, along with the Coach himself, and Grandpa Argent, Mama McCall is probably the only one old enough to get the Independence Day reference.  (I mean, Stiles got it.  But that kid has “film geek” written all over him.)

Speaking of pep talks, Grandpa Crazy Pants Argent pops in to slyly tell the lacrosse team to MURDER the opposition.  Of course, we all know full well he doesn’t give two craps about the game, and is only there to command Jackson, and seriously freak out Scott.  But hey, it’s the thought that counts, right?  Well . . . nevermind.

Anyway, mission accomplished, old man.

In which Stiles plays well (both with himself and others) . . .

Beacon Hills . . . we have a problem.  You see, Scott McCall is our star werewolf lacrosse player.  He’s also our co-captain, and resident super-hero, tasked with protecting the WORLD from Kanaima Jackson the Killing Machine, who just so happens to be the team’s other co-captain.  So, what’s the problem, you say?

Well, basically the problem is that Scott CAN’T PLAY!

He can’t play because he’s a moron.  his grades don’t meet the minimum requirements to participate in high school sports . . .

This means that, not only is there a good chance the Beavers are going to LOSE this game, there’s also a good chance . . . wait for it . . . THEY ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!

This sounds like a job for Superman   Batman  Wolverine  Isaac Lahey?

“You were expecting someone taller?”

So, what’s his big plan?  Simple, he’s going to beat the crap out of everyone on his own team, so that the Coach has no choice but to play Scott, or risk forfeiting the game.

Wait . . . what?

Correct me if I’m wrong, because I don’t know jack about lacrosse.  But doesn’t kicking your own teammates asses constitute some sort of a penalty, as in the kind of penalty that would get you thrown out of a game, before you REPEATED THE PROCESS ON ABOUT SIX PLAYERS?  It’s still kind of fun to watch, though . . .

Eventually, Isaac himself gets a taste of his own medicine (presumably from the Kanaima, himself, though he gets un-paralyzed surprisingly quickly, all things considered), and is pulled out of the game on a  stretcher.

That’s bad . . . (well, unless, of course, you were one of the players who didn’t end up getting beaten up because of it).

You know what’s very, very good, however?  STILES GETS TO PLAY!!!  (And not just with himself either, because he already did that twice today.)

And that causes Proud Papa Stilinski to have this reaction . . .

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Initially, Stiles kind of stinks up the joint on the field, which causes his personal cheering section to have this reaction . . .

But then, all of the sudden he’s AWESOME, which makes Lydia do THIS . . .

Seems like, if these keeps up, Stiles might be scoring in more ways than one, next season.  Hey, Lydia!  It’s high time you recognized the awesomeness of Stiles.  And, should you have any doubt in your mind that he is the right guy for you, might I remind you of the . . . size of his package?

*clears throat*

Hey Grandpa Crazy Pants!  I think it’s time to go back on your meds . . .

You see . . . it’s a pill container, and also a sundial . . . You gotta love old people and their trusty gadgets . . .

I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t really understand how the Supersonic Werewolf Hearing Power works.  I mean, is it like a set of quality headphones, allowing you to drown out all crowd noises, in favor of the old geezer whispering sweet nothings in your ear from across the field?  And what about Grandpa himself, I mean, presumably he was speaking at normal volume.

He’s totally eye-f*&king you right now . . .

How come no one but Scott had to listen to him threaten to kill Coach Crackhead, Scott’s mom, and assorted others, if Scott didn’t deliver him Derek in a handbag (which would be a really great Christmas present . . . just saying. ;))?

I won’t dwell on this too long though.  What’s important here is that Beacon Hill WON THE GAME, even without Hero McCall!

This, of course, might prompt you to wonder where our hero had scampered off too, after Mini Hulk Isaac went through all that trouble to beat up his teammates.  Well, as it turns out he went to SAVE ISAAC from Gerard.

“You totally thought you were going to get to shove that up my ass, didn’t you?”

In short, it was a really nice case of You Scratch My Hairy Werewolf Back, I’ll scratch yours . . .

But I guess now you are wondering who Gerard ordered Jackson to kill at the end of the game.  And here’s the kicker, we still don’t know!  Because after the game ended all of the lights went out in the field!

And then, get this Jackson KANAIMA’ED HIMSELF!  (Way to take one for the team, Jackson . . . literally.)

So, does that mean everyone is safe then?  Well, maybe, maybe not, because, wait for it . . . STILES IS MISSING . . .

Talk about a cliffhanger, right except not really, because we all saw Stiles very much alive in the promo, and we all know that the writers would all probably rather cut their right arms off than kill Stiles, which is entirely understandable given the sheer extent of his awesomeness?

And that was pretty much, “Battlefield,” in a nutshell.  Soooo . . . what did you think? 😉

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever – Now with Team Stiles t-shirts!]

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Filed under Teen Wolf

Punch Drunk – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Party Guessed”

We all know Lydia is up to no good in this picture, because she is wearing the . . .  Black Eyeliner of EVVVVILLL!

I’ve said it before, Werebangers.  But this time, I really mean it.  “Party Guessed” will go down in history as my favorite Teen Wolf episode EVER!  The stellar acting, the solid writing, the character development, the twists, the numerous obligatory shots of Derek in his Tight Grey Tank Top . . .

We haven’t seen this much Glorious Derek, since that episode, where all he did was work out for the entire hour . . .

(Another favorite episode of mine, by the way . . .)

What more could a Teen Wolf fangirl (or fanboy) ask for?  Did I mention we might have finally pinned down our Kanaima Master?

Way to be a Psycho Svengali Serial Killer, Creepy Camera Guy Matt!

(By the way, remind me never to join the swim team at Beacon Hills High . . .)

“Breast stroke?  Don’t you mean DEATH STROKE?”

So, chug down a glass of that deliciously hallucinogenic pink punch, Werebangers, because it’s time for another Teen Wolfcap . . .

[Special thanks to Andre for sending over those kickass screencaps.]

Another Dream Date with Decaying Corpse Peter Hale . . .

When the episode begins, Lydia’s in the shower . . . again.  And we all know how well that worked out for her last time.

(I’m thinking girlfriend should start considering taking sponge baths, STAT.)

“You’re not fully clean unless your ZESTFULLY CLEAN!”

This time around, fortunately, there is no gross dirty Peter Hale Hand or gorilla hair in the tub with her.  Instead, she opens the curtain and finds herself on the football field.

By golly, it’s a NAKED DREAM!  We’ve all had those, haven’t we?  And as The Girl Who Ran Around the Forest Naked for Two Days, we think Lydia’s entitled to a Naked Dream or Two (preferably with Stiles or Derek in it).

Except, this isn’t actually a Naked Dream, after all.  In fact, Lydia is in the very same dress she wore to last year’s dance.  And she’s being cheered on by a crowd of high school students . . . well, except for one chick, who’s totally bawling her brains out for no reason, whatsoever.  (Party Pooper!)

“Dammit!  Why isn’t she NAKED?  How come everyone gets to see Lydia naked except for me?”

Actually, I’m still trying to figure out Crying Girl’s significance.  Is she one of the girls from the Swim Team (more on that later)?  Is she a member of the Hale family, who died in the fire?  Because she didn’t exactly look like Corpse Laura to me!

Whoever she is, I suspect we will see her again, before the season is out . . .

Anywhoo, back on the football field, Lydia is being dragged across the ground by . . . wait for it . . . Peter Hale.

(They’re just cheering, because from the back, he kind of looks like Justin Bieber.)

Lydia wakes up screaming (naturally).  But then, she calms down.  “It was all a dream!” She thinks to herself.  “I didn’t really shower in front of my classmates.  Phew!”

Except, now her bed is filled with a REAL mixture of blood and hair.  Signs of rough sex? And guess who’s lying next to her, eagerly awaiting their next Pillow Talk Session?

Peter Hale TOTALLY seems like a post-coital cuddler . . .

You got it . . . Peter Hale!  This dude is nothing, if not persistent.  And I hate to say it, but these two actually have some freaky twisted sexual chemistry going on . . .  (I think Stiles would be jealous, if he knew.)

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Also a cuddler . . .

Except, here’s the thing . . . now, maybe it’s because he’s been dead for a few months, and spent years before that pretending to be a vegetable   . . . whatever the reason, Peter’s kind of off his flirting game.  For starters, he bores Lydia with talk about the Worm Moon.  He also makes insects crawl all over her dirty feet, as part of his Seduction Technique.  (Total turn off!)

See, Lydia . . . maybe if you spent less time screaming in the shower, and more time actually washing yourself, you wouldn’t have this problem . . .

Peter also has this really annoying habit of referring to Lydia in the third person, when he talks to her about her.  “Lydia is smart and beautiful,” he says.  “Everyone wants to go to Lydia’s party.”  “Lydia is immune.”

“Dude!  She’s standing right next to you!

You know what else isn’t going to get you laid by the girl of your dreams?  Telling her she has to spike her punch bowl with hallucinogenic flowers, dig up your dirty corpse, and make it hold the hand of some hot guy, or else you will kill all her friends, while dressed in an oversized gorilla suit . .  .

Yeah, I think it’s safe to say that even the sluttiest of girls would consider that kind of a Deal Breaker . . .  unless, of course, you happen to be part of the “Furry” Community, in which case, more power to ya . . .

On Wolves Getting Their Periods, and Wearing Funny Hats . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Abandoned Bus  . . .

(By the way, is it just me, or does Derek Hale have the worst taste in real estate EVER?  First, it was the burnt decrepit house.  Then, that weird storage shed, and now a bus where ole Peter mauled some dude.  Hey Derek!  Give me a call, and I’ll set you up with a nice condo . . . one that comes with a cleaning lady, who won’t mind that you always leave teeth marks in the furniture . . .)

Derek is showing his baby wolves his Magic Trunk (I wish that was a euphemism for something fun.  Unfortunately, it’s not.)  Boyd notices that oh so familiar swirly symbol on it . . .

*wipes drool from side of mouth*

 Like the teacher’s pet he TOTALLY is, the Big Guy explains that it’s a Triskele, which symbolizes the “Power of Three.”

Derek looks impressed, and a little bit turned on.  Isaac looks like he wants to shove Boyd’s head in the toilet, and give him a swirly, for being such a TOTAL NERD!

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Derek notes that, for him, the Triskele represents Alphas, Betas and Omegas.  Specifically, it reminds the stud muffin how any of the three types of wolf can easily be converted into one another.  So, even if you’re the Alpha, you should never get too comfortable, or too cocky, because you could end up a Beta or Omega, at the drop of a hat (or the pinch of a wrist). And that, my friends, is what I like to call FORESHADOWING . . .

Anyway, it’s time to whip out the chains, and that hat from the Total Recall movie.

Derek must restrain his baby wolves, in preparation for the Full Moon.  (Yeah, because that’s worked SOO well, in the past.)  Erica notes boldly that because she had her period last week, she won’t be nearly as dangerous this week.

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 (Oh, Erica, haven’t you learned yet that talking about “your monthlies” is a Boy Repellant!)

Erica’s Period Faux Pas not withstanding, Derek gets major points with this female recapper for correctly noting that Erica, as a monthly bleeder / child birther has a higher tolerance for pain than her weiner-bearing companions.  That’s why she gets to wear the silly hat, and they don’t!  GIRL POWER!

“I feel pretty .  . . oh so pretty . . .”

But no amount of S&M accoutrements are going to help Derek keep his wolf cubs from ripping up all the seat cushions,  and peeing all over the house.  After all, these are some Really Bad Babies!

So, you can imagine Derek’s surprise when it ends up being NOT teacher’s pet Boyd, but rather, Leather Twin Isaac, who’s the first cub to find his “anchor,” and control his wolfy rage.

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(Now, if only his “anchor” could help him find his eyebrows.  . .)

Even more surprising?  The fact that Isaac’s anchor just so happens to be the same father who verbally, and physically abused him, while occasionally shoving him in a freezer.  As it turns out, Papa Lahey, actually used to be a pretty nice guy . . . before . . . well . . . more on that later  .  . .

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Let’s Get “Candid” with Creepy Camera Guy Matt!

Elsewhere, Allison’s finishing up her Awful Date with Creepy Camera Guy Matt . . .

“Can I please cop a feel?”

“No.”

“Just a little one?”

“No.”

“What if I go to unbuckle my seatbelt, and my hand accidentally / on purpose grazes your left boob and inner thigh?”

“GET OUT!”

Creepy Camera Guy Matt continues to not-so-subtly probe Allison with questions about the status of her relationship with Scott.  When “CCGM” (see above) realizes he probably isn’t getting anywhere, he exits the car, but not without accidentally / on purpose leaving his camera there, so that unrequited lady love can find his Eerie Homage to All Things Allison, Including Her Bedroom on the Second Floor of Her House . . .

“Wow.  Matt must be really tall . . .”

“Wanna see more?  The lens in my pants is on zoom, baby!  Check out my f-stop!”

Though Matt tries lamely to explain his icky actions, Allison speeds away in her car, so fast, she leaves skid marks on Creepy Camera Guy’s blue balls . . .

Meanwhile, over at the ex-sheriff’s house . . .

Stiles Stilinski – Super Sleuth

Just because Stilinski Squared isn’t employed by the Beacon Hills PD, anymore, doesn’t mean they aren’t still on the case.  Driven by his crushing guilt over the part he unwittingly played in his father’s firing, Stiles seems more determined than ever to crack the case of the serial-killing kanaima.  While the Sheriff notes that local pedo, Mr. Harris, has already been brought in for questioning, due to his car / lame bumper sticker being found at the sight of Every Single Murder . . .

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 . . . Stiles is still unconvinced “She’s 21” Guy actually did the crimes.  After all, like us, Stiles knows that TWO of the victims, Isaac’s dad and last week’s unfortunate rave chicky, have no relationship with Harris at all.  They do however have THIS relationship with one another . . .

That’s right, Werebangers!  In addition to beating his kid, and locking him a cooler, Mr. Lahey, also apparently used to enjoy teaching the butterfly to under-aged hard bodies, in his spare time.  Go figure!

So, remember, earlier I mentioned that Isaac alluded to the fact that his father wasn’t always a Grade A, asshole . . . thereby prompting me to wonder, what exactly made him change?

My theory?  It’s precisely, the same thing that made the kanaima want to kill all these peppy swimmers . . .

Could Mr. Lahey be somehow have been taking his guilt over what happened in 2006 out on his son?  It’s definitely a possibility . . .

You know, I actually spent a lot of time pouring over the screencaps for this scene, because I figured, we might be able to find our good pal Master Matt in the photograph.  (We know he couldn’t swim, but, perhap,s he was the Team Manager, or something?)  Oddly enough, the guy that looked most like Matt in the picture (check out the kid in the bottom row center), is actually, at least according to the team roster, Isaac Lahey’s brother, Camden.

I’m not exactly sure if that means anything.  But it certainly piqued my interest . . .

Why Mama Argent Will Never Again Sharpen a Pencil and Pretend It’s Scott’s Weiner . .  .

Memories .  . . like the corners of my mind.  Misty water colored memoriessssssss .  . .

When we last left Mama Argent, she was lying in Papa Argent’s arms, suffering from the Worst Hickey Ever!  (Then again, any gift from This Guy can’t be ALL bad, right?)

Now, Dame Victoria is sitting in the basement licking her own wounds (pun intended), while Grandpa and Papa Argent stage whisper about killing her, as if she’s not sitting literally 5 feet away from them.  (RUDE!)

“You know, becoming a werewolf actually IMPROVES your sense of hearing, a$$holes!”

De-nial isn’t just a river in Egypt, it’s also a gaping blind spot in Papa Argent’s vision, as he tells his father, “It doesn’t look so bad.”

Really, Papa Argent?  Because from where I’m sitting it looks like a PRETTY BIG F*&KING CHUNK of skin is missing from Victoria Argent’s chest plate.  Grandpa Argent clearly agrees, which is why he shows about as much sympathy for his daughter-in-law as an obese man would show for a Big Mac, telling Daddy-o, more or less says, “Kill the, B*tch.  Allison will get over it.”

“If you hurry up and kill her now, we may be able to make the 8 p.m. showing of Spiderman at the Multiplex.

“If you want an easier life, change your last name,” scolds Grandpa Argent.  “Just as long as you aren’t changing it to whatever Mama Argent’s maiden name is, because apparently that last name makes your life suck too.”

On a side note, many fans have speculated that the pills we regularly see Grandpa Argent popping on the show might actually be some kind of werewolf or lizard suppressant.  If that ends up being true, well, let’s just say Grandpa’s callous comments about Mama Argent being nothing more than a cocoon waiting to hatch a monster, will likely come back and bite him in the ass, by the end of the season . . . or, perhaps, I should say the chest plate.

“It’s like looking in a mirror. We’re both a little green and wrinkly.”

In a surprise show of maternal instinct, a slightly teary-eyed Mama Argent (I thought soulless vampires only cried blood tears?)  makes an attempt to confront her daughter about her impending wolficide.

“And while I’m describing to you, in detail, how I’m going to take my own life with a carving knife, I’ll bake you brownies, tell you a bedtime story, and even squeeze in a talk about the birds and the bees.”

Unfortunately, Allison Argent has better things to do than engage in Mommy/Daughter time . . . like for example, help Lydia perform ridiculously obvious product placement for Macy’s pick out outfits (plural!) for tonight’s “Big Party.”

“Peter Hale said I had to shop at Macy’s, or he would make me shower with him again.”

Eventually, Allison leaves for the party, having never gotten to say goodbye to Mama Argent.  Now, don’t get me wrong, this is super sad, and will undoubtedly, saddle poor Allison with years of unresolved guilt, and thousands of dollars in therapy bills.

Nevertheless, the way that Mama Argent decides to atone for this “lack of a Final Conversation” between Mother and Daughter can only be described as . . . morbid.


Now, I love a Super Poignant Dramatic, Tear-jerking TV Death as much as the next fan.  So, I TOTALLY understand Mama Argent’s decision (at least from the writer’s perspective) to go out with the Bang of a Stab Wound Inflicted in the Light of the Full Moon, just as “The Change” was occurring, as opposed to the Wimper of a pill overdose.  I’m just a bit iffy on her decision to do it ON HER DAUGHTER’S BED, so that she can “feel closer to her.”  I mean, first of all, “EW,” and second of all . . . no  . . . scratch that . . . . “EW” just about sums up my thoughts on that decision.

(I also hope Daddy changed the sheets, afterward.  Because, seriously.  That’s just unsanitary . . .)

There is some conversation between Mama and Papa Argent about playing off Victoria’s death as a suicide to the community, which kind of seems like adding insult to injury, at least as far as Allison’s concerned.  Mama Argent, in particular, seems distraught over the fact that the neighbors would likely disapprove of her coming to such a “cowardly end,” and deserting her family in that way.  (I would think that Mama Argent would be more concerned about the community thinking her family was a bunch of gun-toting lunatics . . . which, of course, they are.)  Papa Argent replies that Mama Argent is making a “brave sacrifice” for her family, by stabbing herself on her daughter’s bed, rather than sprout long nails, and a pointy face, once a month, and whenever else she gets really angry (which, let’s face it, is probably often).

I don’t know . . . to me, personally, if it looks like a wolficide, and it walks like a wolficide . . . well, you get the idea.  I still feel terrible for Allison that things had to go down this way.  But more on that, a bit later.

Because Stiles Keeps His Drag Queens on Speed Dial . . .

In somewhat less depressing news, Stiles has a problem to which many men, I suspect, can relate.  He has to get his HUGE BOX inside Lydia’s teeny tiny door . . .

Yeah, I went there . . .

Unfortunately, we never did get to find out what was actually in that box.  I have a few ideas, though.  Do you? 😉

When our Scooby Gang arrives at Lydia’s party, they find out that it’s not exactly the hip soiree the birthday girl was hoping for  (at least, not yet).  Allison and Stiles speculate that this might be because Lydia’s naked romps in the woods have christened her the “Town Wackjob.”  I don’t know, guys.  Personally, I would think Lydia’s new-found penchant for public nudity would make her VERY, VERY popular . . . at least with the boys.

Don’t you worry too much about Lydia, though.  Stiles, as always, is ripe and ready to rescue her.  All he has to do is call in a favor from all those new “friends” he met at the gay club a few weeks back.  (Nice continuity, writers!)

Personally, I kind of love the idea of Stiles having his very own entourage of Drag Queens, ready to do his bidding at a moment’s notice.  I mean, let’s face it, Derek and his wolf pack couldn’t stand a chance against all those high heels!

Don’t Drink the Punch, or You’ll End Up All WET!

Stiles’ Magical Drag Queen Summoning Powers (which are likely the same powers that enable him to move fairy dust with his mind) . . .

 . . . end up working wonders!  In what seems like only minutes, Lydia’s once nearly empty house (Where ARE your parents, girlfriend?) is just crawling with party people, who just can’t seem to get enough of Lydia’s Magical Punch.  And Lydia, ever the gracious host, is more than happy to quench the thirst of  all her guests.  In fact, she practically pours the stuff down all of their throats!

Of course, us viewers can tell right away that something is VERY wrong with that tasty drink, in the pretty stemless plastic wine glass.  For one thing, it’s got blue crap in it.  Gross!  For another, as I mentioned earlier, Lydia is serving it wearing her Black Eyeliner of EEEEEVVVVIILLLL!

Now, it’s not entirely clear WHY Peter Hale insisted on Lydia LSD-ing all her pals.  But I suspect it was done more as a diversion tactic from his holding hands with Derek “rebirth,” than anything else.  After all, had Scott, Stiles, Allison and Jackson not all been tripping that night, one or two of them might have noticed Lydia WANDERING AWAY FROM HER OWN PARTY, and possibly stopped her.  (I think it’s a pretty safe guess that she wasn’t heading off into the woods to watch The Notebook again.)

That said, it did sort of seem like our main cast members got a Bad Batch of Punch, because while everyone else was busy making out, rolling around on the floor and being happy drunks, our core four were experiencing some pretty disturbing hallucinations . . . hallucinations that ended up being highly insightful, in terms of who these individuals are, and what exactly drives them . . .

Let’s review the hallucination’s shall we?

Because Lizards Make the Best Lovers . . .

I’ll start with the most shallow hallucination first, which, not surprisingly belongs to Scott.

As we all know, Scott and Allison have been a bit “on the outs” of late, ever since Scott “casually” told his girlfriend to make out with Creepy Camera Guy Matt, and Allison ratted out Jackson’s kanaima status to her batsh*t crazy family, which Scott saw as an explicit betrayal of his trust.

But, of course, Scott’s still petrified of losing his brunette beauty, particularly to a monster that’s bigger and badder than he is . . . one that’s got a super long tongue that you could stick . . . anywhere.  And don’t even get me started on that BIG TAIL.  (Even Stiles’ “box” has nothing on that thing . . .)

*nom-nom, nom-nom . . . tastes like carcass*

Speaking of the kanaima . . .

Face Off – Starring Jackson Whitmore . . .

Poor Jackson!  The writers have somehow managed to make me feel bad for this douchebag probably because they are planning on killing him in the season finale, and want me, personally, to cry when it happens.  First, they did it with his crocodile tears, upon learning he had no friends a few week’s back.

And now, the writers are at it again, when Jackson pleads with Lydia not to invite him to her party, because, deep down, he knows his kanaima self is only going to turn Lydia’s dream birthday into a nightmare.

And yet, the kanaima master, isn’t exactly cool with Jackson sitting out on a party that could potentially be attended by another swim team member.  So, off to the party he goes.

“I’m sexy and I know it . . . LIZARD, LIZARD, LIZARD, LIZARD,LIZARD . .  . YEAH!”

And wouldn’t you know it, it’s actually Jackson who experiences the nightmare at Lydia’s hand.

Upon drinking that fateful punch, Jackson comes face-to-face with his REAL parents, only to find out that . . . wait for it . . . THEY  DON’T HAVE FACES AT ALL!  And, of course, neither does he . . . which makes sense, because, when you think about it, much of Jackson’s douchebagginess comes from his frustration over not having an identity . . . not being able to turn into the “manly wolf” he’s always wanted to be . . . having to share his position as captain of the Lacrosse Team with Scott . . . and, most importantly not truly knowing his own origins.

“I prayed for clear skin, during my teen years, but this is ridiculous.”

Props to Colton Haynes for somehow managing to warm my heart with his trademark Vulnerable Face . . . only to be used on special occasions like this one . . .

Speaking of vulnerable faces . . .

“You killed her.”

Poor Stiles.  It doesn’t take a genius to realize he’s taken his whole father losing his job because of him thing, really hard.  We see it in the determination with which Stiles attacks solving this kanaima murder case.  And we see it in Stiles’ anguish over his hallucination, which features a drunk Papa Stilinski, having just gotten back from Stiles’ mother’s funeral,  blaming Stiles for HER death, and the ruination of HIS life.

Unfortunately, we still have yet to learn what exactly killed Mama Stilinski, or why Stiles seems to blame himself for it happening.  But we do know that her absence has left a major hole in Stiles’ heart, one from which he’s never fully recovered.  Kudos to Dylan O’Brien for really tugging at our heartstrings with the raw emotion of this scene.

Speaking of kudos . . .

Dark Allison’s Revenge

Of all the actors on this show (with the exception of Tyler Posey) Crystal Reed probably gets the least to work with, in terms of juicy material, funny one liners, and powerful, character developing scenes.  Correction:  She GOT the least to work with, prior to this week, during which the actress showed her werebanging fans just how talented of an actress she truly is . . .

It all started with Allison kicking the crap out of that slimy Creepy Camera Guy, first for being a total stalker case, who takes “candid” pictures of her from her second floor bedroom window, and second for actually INSULTING her beauty, and calling her a dime a dozen.  I mean, seriously, if anyone deserves a knee in the nuts it’s Creepy Camera Guy Matt.

Now, at least, if his photography career fails, he can always sing Soprano in an all boys choir . . .

Except as it turns out, Matt isn’t exactly the enemy Allison needs to the fear the most.  THAT enemy, is wearing a black hood, stalking around the party, and shooting her in the stomach with a bow and arrow, while chastising her for being SO weak, and always playing the victim.  What’s interesting about this scene (apart, of course, from how cool Dark! Allison looked in it), is that it’s not entirely clear what Allison’s fear actually is?

Is she afraid of being weak . . . a perpetual victim, who constantly needs to be rescued by Scott and her family?  Or,  conversely, is Allison afraid of losing her soul, and becoming a single-minded, cold and calculating killer . . . like Dark!Allison . . . like the dearly departed Kate Argent . . . like her very own mother . . .

Speaking of Allison’s mother . . . how incredibly raw, and emotional was that hospital scene, in which Allison learns of her mother’s death from her father?  As someone who lost a parent at a young age, Allison’s pain and anguish really resonated with me, because no matter what kind of person Mama Argent was, she was still Allison’s mother.  And you never really get over a loss like that . . .

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On a much lighter note . . .

That Teen Wolf Contest Winner NEEDS to become a series regular . .  . no joke.

When we last left our plucky little Stilinski, he was drunk as a skunk, high as a kite, and still reeling over his faux father’s drunken outburst. But Scott needs his sidekick back STAT.  So, he turns to our Very Special Contest Winning Guest Star to pick up the pieces of Stiles fragile psyche, which she does by dunking his head in a pool of water.

Not only was this a hilarious moment, executed to perfection by a surprisingly talented amateur actress, it also gave us back Wet Stiles . . . an image we haven’t seen, since that fateful day, when he and Derek took a nice long romantic swim together, in the school pool . . .

Speaking of swimming . . .

THE KANAIMA REVEALED

After weeks of doing little more than lurking around looking suspicious, Creepy Camera Guy Matt finally revealed himself as the kanaima master, when he YELLED OUT TO THE ENTIRE PARTY that he can’t swim, upon being tossed into the pool (probably by some sh*tfaced drag queen).

Jackson rescued him, of course, which just screams “Master / Slave,” because we all know that under any other circumstance, Jackson would be the one THROWING the nerd into the pool, not pulling him out . . .

Then, as if we hadn’t been beat over the head with the “Matt as Kanaima” idea enough, we are given THIS image . . .

This reveal, of course, only leads to more questions . . . is Matt alive?  Is he the ghost of someone murdered by a bunch of swim teammate?  What led him to take on this quest for vengeance?  And how exactly did he know he could use Jackson to carry out his plan?

Ahh . . . the plot, it’s thickening . . .

Speaking of thick . . .

Derek Gets Glitter Bombed / Red Eye Reduced

What are you dreaming about, Derek?

Awww, Derek!  You big sexy hunk of man meat, you!  Of all the things that would end up bringing your seemingly invincible ass down, no one could have guessed that it would end up being the petite 105 pound red head, and a bunch of blue glitter in your face.  Honestly, it’s a little pathetic, but also kind of charming, in a way.

After week’s of speculation, we finally got to see why Peter Hale had been stalking Lydia, and using his teenage face to hit on her, make out with her, and give her flowers all these weeks.  It was also so Lydia could make Derek fondle Peter’s corpse at the first light of the worm moon, which somehow made Peter come back to life, and turned Derek’s eyes from Alpha Red, to Horny Green. 🙂

Yeah, it didn’t make sense to me either.  But, you have to admit, it was still a really cool ending.

Until next time, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever- Now with Teen Wolf tees!]

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The Killer Party – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Raving”

 

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Greetings, Werebangers!  This week’s episode of Teen Wolf was all about motive.  After all, even the most self-righteous of characters can be lured to the proverbial darkside, if given a good enough reason to do so . . .

Of all the episodes of Teen Wolf that have aired so far this season, “Raving” was probably the most chock full of information.  We learned a lot this week about the relationship between the kanaima, and its Master.  We also got to take a closer look at the kanaima’s victims .  . . what ties them together .  . . and what they might have done to merit such horrible demises.

 

 

And yet, despite all that, the writers STILL somehow managed to give us a genuinely action-packed hour, complete with stellar acting, amazing character moments, and of course, a WHOLE LOTTA STILES!

Color me impressed . . .

So, slip into your party clothes, grab a handful of fairy dust, and try to avoid taking hits off the wolfsbane pipe,  because it’s time for another Teen Wolf recap . . .

[As always, special thanks to Andre for all the awesomesauce screencaps you see here.  Also, this week’s screencaps all come from two fabulous tumblr sites:  teenwolfgifs and allteenwolf.  So, feel free to show their owners some love, as well.]

In ‘Da Club

 

Go Wolf Twins!  It’s your birthday!  We’re gonna party, like it’s your birthday.  We’re going to huff some wolfsbane, like it’s your birthday . . .

Go shorty, it’s your birthday!  (But hopefully, not your 24th.)  Apparently, there’s some Big Hip Rave in Beacon Hills.  And everybody who’s ANYBODY under the age of 25 (and a few people OVER it . . . here’s looking at YOU Grandpa . . . and Creepy Pedo Chemistry Teacher) . . .

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 .  . . is going to be there.  This is true, even though admission costs a whopping 75 bucks!

Seriously?  Where I come from, all the “good” raves (at least, if you’re into that sort of thing) take place in abandoned warehouses.  And the only things you pay for are the glow sticks, cheesy pacifiers, and the bruises you get on your legs, while running away from the cops who just broke up the party . . .

But that’s neither here nor there.  What matters here is that it’s been a while since we’ve had a Big Party that literally brings all of our main characters together in one room (remember prom?).  And that makes the expectations for this party rather heightened.  Did I mention that the kanaima will be in attendance to snuff out yet another unlucky victim?

“Hi!  Welcome to my funeral!  Admission is $75 . . .”

The victims . . . Stiles and the Sheriff finally manage to draw a few parallels between them.  For example, with the exception of the Dawson’s Creek daddy, they are all the same age (24), and all attended Beacon Hills High together in 2006.

Kudos to us TW fans, who picked up on this trend a few weeks ago,  back when Hot Black Argent, Sassy Mechanic, and Derek had been the only kanaima targets, aside from Isaac’s dad.  (Honestly, I thought the “young married couple” looked a bit “long in the tooth” for 24.  But hey . . . life in a trailer park can be tough, I guess.)

“It is was a hard knock life for us.”

Stiles had also deduced that these folks had been in Mr. Harris’ chemistry class together, which confirmed the latter as a chief suspect for Master . . . at least until that last victim bit it, who wasn’t in his class.

The Sheriff thought her death blew his theory to shreds.  However, thanks to a little fancy camera work, WE know that SHE was, in fact, still part of the Class of 2006.

Of course, this begs the obvious question: which member of that Class died in 2006, and HOW?

“I got it!  I know who the Kanaima’s Master is!  It’s KAISER SOZE!”

We already know from the mythology that the kanaima thrives on vengeance, and will only kill killers (hence, it’s decision to delay the murder of the pregnant woman, until AFTER she gave birth).  But how did all of these seemingly unrelated 24-year olds have their hand in the exact same death?

Confused yet?  There’s more!

The Puppet Master

OK, I have no clue what that “Are you listening?” poster behind the guys heads has to do with vaccinations.  All I know is that I really want one for my bedroom . . .

While Stiles and the Sheriff were focusing in on the kanaima’s victims, Scott, Derek, Isaac and the Vet were more interested in the kanaima himself, and why he might be afraid of water, given that Jackson is Captain of the Swim Team (Of course, he is!  Jackson is “Captain of Everything”).

The Vet notes that this has to do with some “merger” of the kanaima’s personality with that of his Master.  They can feel eachother’s thoughts and feelings.  So, what hurts one, hurts the other.  (He even shows us some gnarly bling to illustrate this premise.)

“Hey kids!  Check out the earring I’m going to wear with my pirate costume, this Halloween!”

In other words, we’re talking about a two-for-one special on killing Big Bads!  Talk about a bargain.  (It’s a way better bargain than $75 for a rave ticket.  That’s for sure!)

Speaking of the Rave to End All Raves . . .

Isaac gets a two-fist discount.  

Finally, Isaac does something RIGHT in this episode of Teen Wolf.  Up until now, I’ve felt like pretty much every week, the writers have spent at least some time illustrating how Isaac and Erica are “special needs” wolves.  They can’t fight Scott.  They can’t fight Derek.  They’re outsmarted, and out-maneuvered by Allison.  And they are scared sh*tless of Jackson.  (Remember, one is an incident, two is a coincidence, three is a pattern.  Four  =  these two are pathetic.)

But they are excellent at sleeping!

And yet the n’er do well Isaac does seem to possess one particular talent: picking on the weak and completely unsuspecting.  When Scott and Stiles need a ticket for the “Big Rave” in order for their “Catch Jackson’s Master” plan to work out, Isaac knows exactly to get them what they need, and for a really great price too.  FREE!

Two wolfy ass kickings later, Scott and Stiles have their tickets, and Isaac has a goofy grin on his face.  Then again, now that you mention it, we never actually got to see Isaac kick those lacrosse players ticket-holding bums.  Perhaps, he did something a bit less G-rated to get those tickets, hmm?

The World may never know . . .

In which Allison’s loyalties are divided (for real, this time) . . .

In other news, Allison’s parents might finally be winning the battle for their daughter’s soul . . .

For the longest time on this show, we’ve been told that Allison was “Torn Between Her Hunter Family and Her Wolf” lover.  “Who will she choose?”  The over dramatic, deep-voiced promo narrator would often ask.

Except, to be honest, most of the time, it never seemed like all that difficult of a choice for Allison.

For one thing, and I know this sounds awful, but Allison never really seemed all that jazzed about her family.  I mean, we all know Stiles loves his dad . . .

And Scott loves his mom .  . .

But Allison?  With the exception of “cool” (Read “CRAZY”)  Aunt Kate, the littlest Argent seemed, at best, to tolerate her wacky “fam,” and, at worst, to be just as frightened of them, as the rest of the fandom seems to be.  (Though, I have to say, her dad is actually pretty hot!)  I never really bought Allison as being particularly “torn” between two loves.  It was all Scott, Scott, and . . . wait for it . . . more Scott.

However, that all changed this week.  It started when Papa Argent used a little coroner’s office “bonding session” . . .

“Hey Allison!  You used to like playing with Barbie’s right?  Well, these are life size!  I’ll be the wife, you be the husband!”

 . . . to coerce Little Argent into (1) fingering Jackson as the Kanaima; and (2) revealing his upcoming attendance at the “Big Rave,” despite the fact that Scott and his new wolf pack had already made their own plans to intercept Jackson there.

“I think I liked Daddy / Daughter bonding time better, when you just tied me to chairs, and threatened my life . .  .”

And then came the whole “let’s see other people” talk Allison had with Scott a bit later in the episode . . .

“It’s not you.  It’s me.  It’s just that I know you’re Team Edward in Twilight.  And I really can’t date anyone who isn’t Team Jacob.”

Now, in Scott’s defense,  he and Allison had been so sloppy about their “secret relationship” that even a deaf, dumb, and blind guy could probably figure out that they were dating.

And to prove it, Scott had been beaten up by pretty much every single member of the Argent family, ever since his and Allison’s “breakup.”

That said, in terms of Allison’s state of mind, Scott probably picked the absolute WORST time in the world to tell her that he’d be “totally cool” with her “dating” and “making out” with Matt the Creepy Camera Guy.  For one thing, it probably made her feel like she was a prostitute and he was her wolfy pimp.  For another, Scott’s sudden seeming indifference to Allison’s feelings, had to make her wonder whether her consistent betrayal of her family values for his sake was worth it.

“Silly Scott!  And you’re supposed to be the smart one.  Oh wait, no your not.  Nevermind then.”

Now, if Mama Argent new that THIS was the conversation her daughter was having with a sworn enemy, she probably would have been doing this . . .

Unfortunately, Mama Argent couldn’t HEAR what these two crazy kids were saying to one another, when she spied them talking  heatedly in an empty classroom.  All she was . . . well . .  “the heat.”  And so, instead, she looked like this . . .

That’s right, werebangers, Mama Argent is one Scary B*tch!  And boy did she prove it, in this week’s episode!

In much kinder and gentler news . . .

Stiles gets a tearjerker and a Dead(?) Tinkerbell moment in the same episode . . .

Good ole, Stiles.  Not only is he a fan favorite, because of his tendency to bring the comedy, and awesome one-liners to the series . . . .

 . .  . he’s also the heart of this whole damn show!

And boy did he show that this week, when the poor guy learned that his father had lost his job as Sheriff, as a result of Stiles’ “bad behavior,” i.e. the “kidnapping of Jackson.”

If only Sheriff Stilinski knew about the whole “lizard thing,” maybe he wouldn’t have to feel so sad . . .

Then again, he’d still probably be out of a job so . . .

But as guilty as Stiles obvious feels about his father’s job loss, he also knows that he has to keep all this supernatural craziness, a secret from his father, in order to protect him . . . or, at least, keep him from looking like a total wackjob in front of his cop buddies . . .

Lest you think that Stiles’ story in “Raving” was all angst and puppy dog tears, he also got to experience some serious Dead Tinkerbell Triumph.

You have no idea what I’m talking about, right?

Allow me to explain . . .

Remember that part in Peter Pan, where everyone thinks Tinkerbell is dead . . . so Peter Pan turns to everyone in the audience as says that “if you clap your hands, and believe in fairies, you can save her.”  So, a couple of idiots actually clap (the rest of the audience just stares at the screen, dumbfounded), and,  SURPRISE, Tinkerbell is alive again!

Well, that’s kind of what happened to Stiles, this week . . .

You see, thanks to our good friend The Vet, our wolf pack had a seemingly foolproof plan to trap Jackson / the kanaima / and his Mystery master all in the same confined space, using a bit of intravenous drugs, and some Magic Fairy Dust . . . I’m sorry . . . I meant “mountain ash.”

“Oh this?  This is just body glitter . . . for the rave!”

However, in order for the plan to work, Jackson needed to be trapped inside the Rave.  And, in order for Jackson to be trapped in the Rave, someone HUMAN had to lay out the Magic Fairy Du mountain ash barrier that would keep him there.

And we all know who our resident Team Human member is, right?

So, while all his buddies, get to go inside the Super Cool Rave, dance, stab lizards with drugs, and kick some Argent ass, poor Stiles is stuck outside sprinkling dirt around the parking lot.  Real nice!

“Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to trap Douchey Jackson, I go . . .”

Given that, you can imagine how frustrated Stiles is, when he finds himself ridiculously low on Kanaima Keep Away Dust, way before he’s completed his Magic Circle.  But does Stiles get discouraged.  Heck no!  Instead, he takes the Vet’s advice, and BELIEVES he has enough fairy dust to finish the circle.  And, just like that, HE DOES!  It’s magical . . .

 . . . which, is why I’ve decided to BELIEVE that my laptop will turn into a million dollars, immediately upon my completing this recap.

I’ll let you know how that goes . . .

In which Derek, Boyd, and the Argents reenact a Jets/ Sharks scene from West Side Story . . .

Despite Papa Argent assuring Allison that his family’s plan to catch the Kanaima will have “no collateral damage” Grandpa Bad Ass tells his men, in no uncertain terms that this is a Seek and Destroy Mission.  “Something wicked this way comes,” Gerard says.

You know, because he’s old . . . so, of course,  he’s going to quote Shakespeare prior to heading out on a murder mission!  (Speaking of Old Grandpa Argent, any guesses as to what those pills are, that he always seems to be popping like candy?  Because something tells me they aren’t your typical “old guy” pills, i.e. heart and cholesterol medication, and/or stuff for his arthritis . . .)

But if the Argents want inside the party, they are going to have to get past the wolves first.  Derek and Boyd are ready and waiting for them.  It’s time to do battle!

At this point, I’d like to mention how happy I am that Boyd is back.  You know, last week I bitched that Boyd might be the “forgotten werewolf.”  Now, I know the truth.  Boyd isn’t the “redheaded step child” of his wolfpack.  On the contrary,  he’s Alpha’s Pet!  This is why he’s not sent off each week into the land of Failure and Humiliation like Derek and Erica are.  Instead,  he gets to be on the front lines with the Pack Master . . . getting sh*t done!

Except this time, when the Argents kinda kicked Derek’s and Boyd’s asses, using their  . . . weapons and stuff.

“Don’t brink claws to a gunfight.”  Consider that a lesson learned.  Hey, you can’t win em all!

Speaking of Failure and Humiliation . . .

It’s Bump and Grind Time!

It’s the scene you’ve all been waiting for, folks.  Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumb Boobs have a mission, should they choose to accept it.  That mission is to stab Jackson with a syringe, the contents of which will,  if I’m not mistaken, both temporarily stave off the kanaima transformation, and unify the Puppet and Puppet Master of this team, so that our wolf pack can theoretically control them both . . .

Easier said than done . . .

I mean sure, Isaac and Erica are ACES when it comes to entrapping Un-Lizard Zombie Jackson into a Wolf-Kanaima sandwich.

And I’ll be damned if the possessed kanaima doesn’t look more than a bit hot and bothered by the notion of slapping his salami against the blonde bombshell, and the curly-hair with the pretty eyes.  Though, it’s kind of a toss-up as to who turns the lizard on more, thus calling into question the sexuality of both Jackson (which has long been a subject of debate), and the person controlling him . . .

Things get a bit more dicey when it comes to syringing the beast.  It turns out, for all his wolfy moxie, Isaac just can’t seem to get his stick in Jackson. (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?)

It takes a few tries, and a bit of a struggle.  But eventually, the Leather Twins are able to drag a napping Jackson into an abandoned room.  But Poor Pathetic Isaac.  Here we have a SLEEPING Jackson, and the werewolf STILL can’t successfully slap him around.

“Don’t you dare interrupt my Evil Naptime!

In fact, I’m starting to think that Isaac’s getting his arm broken in every episode is going to start to become a running joke of the show, much like Stiles’ seeming inability to ever be seen on camera without his shirt on . . .

But hey, the plan isn’t a total bust!  The Leather Twins (with Stiles’ help) eventually get the Kanaima to SPEAK through Jackson.  As it turns out, the wolf pack might not just be dealing with a Jackson Jekyll and Hyde, and a HUMAN master, there also might very well be a spirit involved.

In a weird disembodied voice that kind of sort of sounds like the Possessed Person in Every Horror Movie Ever, “Jackson” tells the Scooby Gang that he’s not really here to kill them (Could have fooled us!), because he’s got bigger fish to fry, namely, the people that killed HIM.

“Jackson’s” words seem to confirm the theory that the spirit that embodies Jackson, when he’s the kanaima, is some high school student, who died in 2006, at some school event.  Furthermore, quite a few other students seem to have witnessed the event in question, and either, did nothing to stop it, or helped it to happen.

This, of course, begs the question, how did “the kanaima” die.  My theory?  Drowning!

It would explain why Jackson was seen coming out of the water shortly after he was bitten by Derek, as well as the kanaima’s seeming fear of water . . .

Unfortunately, we don’t get much time to ponder this theory, because, in a flash the “medicine” wears off, and, just like that, Jackson is Lizard Man again (well, more like half and half), and he is on the loose . . .

It’s like one of those moisturizer commercials, where the model only puts the cream on half his face to show you how great the stuff works . . .

Stiles rushes out to tell his boyfriend, Derek, the news.

 Isaac and Erica would probably like to rush out too, but . . . you know . . . fairy dust . . .

Meanwhile, the kanaima has found it’s next victim.  Nice knowing ya, Ticket Taker at a Rave Chick . . .

“Go, BYE BYE!”

Hey, look on the bright side.  Now, you will never have to worry about suffering from one of those pesky quarter-life crises!

How Mama Argent destroyed Scott’s chances of ever becoming a pothead . . . (And, boy, did she pay for that!)

“I was going to kill the kanaima, but I got high . . . I was going to have sex with my girl, but I got high . . . now this scary lady is out to get me, and I know why . . . cause I got high, cause I got high, cause I got high . . .”

Meanwhile, Scott’s a bit less than pleased with not-girlfriend Allison, because her Stupid Family is interfering with the Wolf Pack’s fun-filled game of “Catch the Kanaima.”  This makes Allison sad, which nimrod Creepy Camera Guy Matt takes as a sign that, “Gee!  Now, seems like a totally great time to stick my tongue down her throat.”

Real smooth, Matty-poo!

Scott rushes outside for some “air” only to be hit by Mama Argent’s car . . .  “He came out of nowhere!  It was just an accident.”

Right?

WRONG!  As it turns out, this is all part of Mama Argent’s master plan to kidnap her daughter’s “ex” boyfriend, and asphyxiate him with a wolfsbane bong / vaporizer, of sorts (thus confirming my suspicions that Mama and Papa Argent were both TOTAL potheads, back in the day . . .)  And it seems like this EEEVVVIIILLL plan just might work too, until Scott gives out a howl to his new pack mate, Derek, who rushes to his dawg’s rescue (after Stiles’ sweeps up the fairy dust, of course, so he can pass).

What happens next is a little shocking . . .

I mean, sure, we all figured that Scott was going to get out of this alive.  What we didn’t plan on was Derek giving a big ole’ F-U to the Argent’s and their so-called “Code of Honor,” by giving Mama Argent the bite, thereby prospectively turning her into the thing she hates more than anything in this world . . .

In the final scene of the episode, we see Mama Argent rushing to Papa Argent’s arms, bloody and tainted, as Papa Argent looks on in dismay, undoubtedly wondering if it might be time for a little mercy killing.  Are any of you fellow werebangers nerdy enough to have supernatural pacts with your friends.  I am!  All my best friends know that I’d be totally cool with becoming a vampire, or a werewolf (provided I’m financially stable enough to afford regular waxing treatments . .  hairiness . . .ick), but if I ever become a zombie, they are totally within their rights to chop my head off.

Somehow, I suspect that the Argent’s have a similar pact at the ready, should any of them become werewolves.  Papa Argent hinted as much in his “lesson” to Allison early on in the season.  “One bite can change everything.”

This, of course, begs the question, how will Allison respond to the idea that her boyfriend’s pack mate effectively signed her own mother’s death warrant.  I’m thinking the answer is going to be “not particularly well,” no matter how creepy and unloveable Mama Argent might be . . .

In other news, while The Vet is once again saving the life of a wolfsbane poisoned Scott . . .

“Why do all you werewolves always seem to end up on your backs?”

 . . . that sucks-at-Latin guidance counselor randomly appears to make eerie comments to him about how “these kids don’t know about all the bad crap that’s going to happen to them really, really soon.”  But what’s she doing in there in the middle of the night, anyway.  Is she a relative?  Does she know more about the kanaima than she’s letting on?  Is she . . . TWENTY-FOUR YEARS OLD?

Unfortunately, I guess we’ll just have to wait until next week to find out the answer to these questions.  Until next time, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever – Now featuring Team Stiles and Team Derek tees!]

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“A Tale of Two Kanaimas” – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Venomous”

Knock, Knock.

Who’s there?

Kanaima.

Kanaima who?

I Kanaimake sense of what Lydia wrote on the board. 

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Oh . . . that’s better.

Howdy, Werebangers!  Five episodes into the season, and we’ve already solved one of Teen Wolf’s biggest mysteries: Who’s the Kanaima? (Hint: It’s not This Guy . . .)

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You know, one of the things I love most about this show . . . well . . . aside from the obvious . . .

. . . is its willingness to challenge TV conventions.  By all estimates, “Venomous” was a high – octane hour of whodunnit-type television that could have easily served as a season finale.  Like many finales, “Venomous” offered action, intrigue, and a mass murder mystery, which resulted in a standoff that pitted nearly every major cast member against one another.  And of course,  it ended by answering a HUGE question that had been plaguing the series since the first episode of this season.

“You mean to tell me I’m that asshat lacrosse-playing douche!  Thanks, a lot!” 

But perhaps the best thing about “Venomous” is that it WASN’T a  finale.  And that is a very good thing . . . because for every question this episode answered for us Teen Wolf fans, it posed about three more.

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre, my own personal screencapping genius, for everything you see here.]

Who’s the dumbbell, now?

The episode begins with a very (sexually?) frustrated Jackson struggling under the weight of a seemingly puny barbbell.

“Come on, Jackson.  You can do it!  Lift that five-pound weight!”

This, understandably confuses Jackson, who, just a day or so ago, had been able to lift up a car with his bare hands.

It’s just another one of those things that sets Jackson apart from his wolfy companions, who, even in human form, can exhibit bouts of superhuman strength, pretty much, anytime.  Jackson’s “strength” on the other hand, only seems to come out at night, and is sporadic, even then.

When Danny grows bored with his wimpy cranky friend, he exits stage left.  (Can you blame him?)  This gives Derek’s lame-o wolfpack members, Tweedledee and Tweedle dumb boobs, an opening to perform their kidnapping of the Lacrosse Co-Captain, who they obediently cart off to their maker.

“I don’t want to join your Mickey Mouse Wolf Club, OK?  So stop asking.”

“Are you sure?  All members get a free t-shirt!” 

Suspecting Jackson (the pack member that never was) of being the Kanaima, Derek feeds him a drop of venom that he somehow collected from the poolhouse.

“Open wide for the choo-choo train!”

“Good boy.  Now, play dead.” 

Derek’s (WRONG!) theory is that, if Jackson is immune to the venom, he must be the Kanaima.  Unfortunately for Derek, Jackson is not-so-much immune, and spazzes out on the floor, before becoming completely immobile.  Oops!  I guess that means it’s back to the drawing board for our good pal, Derek.

Wolfy Isaac, who’s kind of been put to waste as a character, having been given little to do on the show, aside from make weird faces . . . and repeatedly get his ass kicked . . .

 . . . however, is not quite through with Jackson.  There’s still the little matter of the latter recanting his story to the cops about seeing Isaac and his father fighting on the night of his father’s Kanaima-inspired murder.  Conveniently enough, this little favor allows newly free man Isaac to return to school, so that he can do Derek’s bidding out in the open.  How nice for him!

“It’s a Matching Leather Jacket Party, and you’re not invited!”

Someone help Lydia . . . please

Also at school, Lydia is still suffering from waking Alpha nightmares.  This most recent one, involves the Alpha scribbling strange circular messages for her on a chalk board, while all her classmates look at her, like she’s nuts.

“It’s funny how in Lydia’s daydreams I’m really good at math.  Because, in real life, I didn’t even know how to read.” 

“Awk-warrddd!” 

Unfortunately, for Lydia, it turns out that last part isn’t exactly a dream.  She returns to real time to find that she’s written “Someone help me” backwards across the chalkboard instead of the math equation she was SUPPOSED to solve.  Hey Lydia, it could be worse.  You could be naked . . . like last time.

Things become crystal clear (Maybe .  . .)

In chemistry class, Derek’s pack (except for Boyd, who always seems to get a pass from these lame Wolfy Games) torments Scott, Allison and Stiles, while keeping an eye on Lydia,  who has now become their top Kanaima suspect.

For about the 18,000th time this season, Erica aggressively throws herself at Scott . .  .

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. . .  and totally “Regina George’s” her nemesis, Allison.

Poor naive, Erica.

I have a book you might find interesting .  . .

Speaking of rejection, it seems poor Isaac has a little angry hard-on for our friend Lydia, ever since the latter rejected in middle school, and made him cry.

“You wouldn’t reject me, would you, Stiles?”

Lydia’s protector and perpetual unlikely hero, Spiderman Stiles has something to say about that . . .

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Sadly though, no amount of words can protect Lydia from a lying-in-wait Derek, when she unwittingly ingests venom, during chemistry class, and experiences none of its paralyzing side effects.

“Gnom-nom-nom.  Mmm . . . venom cystal.  Yummy!” 

“Grrrrr.” 

Uh oh, Scooby Gang!  It’s time for Plan B!

Operation: Save the Butterfly

During her shrink session, Lydia stubbornly tells Dead Maya from Pretty Little Liars / Dead Emily from The Vampire Diaries that every inkblot picture in her Rorschach Test looks like a butterfly, even the one that OBVIOUSLY was made to resemble a wolf, and the one that sort of/kind of resembles her recently deceased Alpha “boyfriend.”

“Butterflies are pretty.” 

“That one might still be a caterpillar.” 

Meanwhile, in a surprise move,Jackson joins forces with, as he calls them “Testicle One” and Testicle Two” (How fitting!) . . .

“Believe it or not, you two actually do vaguely resemble my testicles.”

 . . . to protect Lydia from the Wrath of Derek, which he was unlucky enough to recently experience for himself.  Of course, Jackson still has his own selfish motives in mind.  He’s still using Creepy Photographer Guy and Danny to uncover the lost footage on his sleepytime not-so-sex tape, which he suspects Lydia might have “edited” for him.  After all, she DOES have a key . .  .  (How else could she regularly sneak into his house and watch The Notebook?)

As far as plans go, Scott’s plan to save Lydia from Derek and Co. is surprisingly well thought out, despite the fact that Scott, while a nice guy, has always been a bit of a mental midget.  The first part of the plan involves attempting to prove to Derek that Lydia ISN’T actually the Kanaima, before school lets out.  It is randomly determined that shrinkypoo reads Latin.  So, Allison goes to her, in an attempt to translate the Bestiary page on Kanaimas.

How come the kanaima in this book, looks like the werewolf in last season’s book? 

Now, this seems like a throwaway scene, but it’s actually important.  Shrinkypoo notes that, while wolves seek pack affiliation, Kanaimas are always on the hunt for a single “friend,” to make them feel less lonely.  And thus, the theory of the two Kanaimas is born .  . .

Elsewhere Derek tries (and fails) to talk Derek out of wanting to kill Lydia.  Why?  You ask.  Well, for one thing, Scott really has no way of proving that Lydia isn’t actually the Kanaima.  For another . . . ummm . . . Derek just REALLY seems to like killing people  .  . .

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Scott’s theory, like the one Jackson, himself, had earlier, is that Lydia is somehow immune to wolf bites, and passed that immunity on to Jackson.

Cocky Derek doesn’t like the idea of ANYONE being immune to his sexy saliva.  Derek has a different theory, and here it is: some people who are bit by werewolves, become OTHER TYPES OF SHAPESHIFTERS, that better reflect their personality.  You know, like Isaac becomes a wolf with no eyebrows.  Erica becomes a wolf that isn’t really a wolf, but still has pointy teeth.  And “Lydia” becomes a rather masculine looking snake . . . because she’s a b*tch.

Interesting theory, Derek . . . it would kind of fly in the face of traditional werewolf lore, though . . .

When Phase One of the plan fails, it’s time for Phase Two: bring Lydia to Scott’s house (his mom’s never home,  anyway), and hide the accused lizard there .  . . without telling her why, of course.

An eye-opening discovery

While the rest of the Scooby Gang (even Jackson) whisk Lydia away, Scott gets accosted by Coach Crackpot for “not protecting Danny’s equipment.”  Coach Crackpot thinks that Scott should protect Danny’s equipment all the time.  Unfortunately, for some of you, I’m not actually talking about Danny’s weiner.  I’m talking about his actually equipment . . . as in “lacrosse uniform,” which was ripped clean in half, following the last game.

“That’s hot.” 

So, is DANNY the Kanaima, due to his miraculous fabric-ripping skills.  Apparently, not.  When Scott confronts Danny in the library, we learn that HE had lent his uniform to none other than Jackson, during the game, while he played the position of goalie.  Hmm . . .

Speaking of Danny, it seems everyone’s favorite Teen Wolf gay has developed a bit of a crush on Creepy Photographer Guy, who plays for his team (lacrosse), but may or may not play for his “TEAM,” if you catch my drift . . .

Together, the two manage to restore the lost footage from Jackson’s camera.  And it is . . . as I hinted before rather “eye opening.”

“Wazzzzzzup!” 

Of course, we still don’t know who edited the tape in the first place.  Though these two (Danny and Creepy) clearly have the werewithal to do it themselves . . .

Oh, P.S. Creepy Photographer guy just figured out that whole, “Scott can’t take pictures anymore, because he’s a werewolf” thing.  BUSTED!

Erica gets OWNED . . .

In one of my favorite moments in the episode, Stiles adorably barricades Scott’s house to protect Lydia from Derek’s pack, while the Scooby Gang waits for Scott to return home.

 However, try as they might, it doesn’t take long for Tweedledee and Tweedledumbboobs to enter the house.    (Again, how come Boyd never has to do the dirty work?  Is he too cool for this?)

Anywhoo, Wolfy Erica, who’s sole new personality trait seems to be “Slutty B*tch” takes this opportunity, once again to threaten Allison with stealing Scott from her, despite the fact that Scott seems like he’d probably prefer to make out with Derek or Stiles . . . or anyone else in the cast really, over Erica.  Earlier Erica teased that she was “a little bit psychic,” and that’s why she knew that Sallison wasn’t really going to work out.

But her psychic powers seem to have a bit of a blind spot.  Because she definitely didn’t count on Allison shooting her with a venom coated bow and arrow.  (Where did these guys get all this extra venom from?)

Within minutes, Erica is down for the count.

“This is the part where I have my way with you.”

 Now that’s some powerful venom!  Just a little bit on the fingers (or in the mouth . . . like Jackson), and wolves are apparently paralyzed from the neck down . . . which confuses me, because I thought the Kanaima needed to scratch the victim’s spinal column, in order to get that result (as he did with Hot Black Argent, Douchey Grease Monkey, and Derek).

After all, wasn’t Stiles still able to call 911, after HE touched the evil venom?

Anywhoo, you can imagine Derek’s frustration when Tweedledee and Tweedledumbbumbs, both incapacitated by Kanaima venom are haphazardly tossed out of Scott’s house, like yesterday’s trash . . .