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Bad Santa Klaus – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Mid Season Finale “O Come All Ye Faithful”

santa klaus

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“Oh, you better watch out.  You better not cry.  You better not pout.  I’m telling you why.  Santa Klaus is coming to kill your hybrids . . . and your mom . . . and your romantic relationship . . . and your favorite boots . . . which are now covered in blood . . . because you stepped on some decapitated hybrid . . . while walking through the forest . . . on the way out of town.  Anybody have a napkin I could borrow?”

It’s Christmas, Fangbangers!  Christmas is a time for time for GIVING, LOVING, and SPENDING TIME WITH PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT.  Unless you live in Mystic Falls.  In which case, Christmas is a time for MURDER, MAYHEM, BETRAYAL, DISAPPOINTMENT, AND SENDING THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT AWAY IN A CAR WITH BONNIE FOR NO F*CKING LOGICAL REASON WHATSOEVER . . .

surrounded by idiots

Let’s recap, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre for all the screencaps you see here.  Even though he still thinks I write too much about Delena in my recaps.  And it still makes me cry . . .]

“Wanna Come?”

more fun naked

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I concur Damon.  I suspect a lot of the problems I have with this show would cease to exist, if you and your male cast mates spent the entire hour naked . . .  Or, rather, they would still exist, but I wouldn’t remember them.  Because I’d be too busy staring at your . . .

blue balls

Yes, I went there.  I titled this section “Wanna Come?”  And I meant it to mean exactly what YOU think it means.

disgusting i know

In my defense, it’s an actual quote from the scene.  Also in my defense . . . hey . . . at least SOMEONE should be having fun, because it sure as heck isn’t Damon and Elena . . . at least not in this episode . . .

Damon eye roll

Yes, boys and girls, we open this hour, just as we opened the last one, with Damon and Elena . . . sort of SPOONING . . . in Damon’s bed.  Except, this time, they are fully dressed, and both looking pretty miserable because of it.  Let that be a lesson to you, kiddies.  Clothes are BAAAAAAAD!

spoon

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Sleeping in your jeans is really uncomfortable . . . as is sleeping that close to someone who looks like Ian Somerhalder, without jumping his bones . . . or, at least, I imagine it would be uncomfortable.  I can’t really say I know from personal experience . . . yet.

Whereas, in the previous episode,  we saw Damon wake up HAPPY . . .

im happy

Now, he’s kind of broody about the whole “not breaking the sire bond / lying to Stefan” thing.  You know what I say to that?  “BAH HUMBUG,” that’s what.  Hey Damon, do you think all those times Stefan slept with Elena, he spent all his post-coital mornings worried about how crappy it would make YOU feel?

no

Here’s an idea, Damon.  You already did the “wrong” thing, by not breaking the sire bond, when you told Stefan you would.  You already FEEL guilty.  So, why not take your own advice from a previous episode, and just own your guilt?

3 10 deviluvsmores feel guilty about this

It would be more fun for you and Elena, for sure.  It also might be more fun for us to watch.  But hey, at least we get to see you take your shirt off again . . .

the show

“Just do it,” Elena says, when Damon makes this deliciously naughty overture toward the love of his life . . .

never let you leave

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Nike would be so proud!

Unfortunately, almost immediately after, Elena  puts the kibosh on any and all possibilities of morning sex, by saying she has to go to the lake house with Bonnie, so that the two of them could help Jeremy, you know, not want to murder Elena and Stuff.

soap dish smash

“Wanna come?” Elena asks hopefully . . .

delena sex big

WE DO!  WE DO!  Except you two aren’t letting us!  Such teases!

Klaus Mikaelson . . . He’s one Special Snowflake

post modern

giant flake

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It’s nice to see that Klaus’ plans for World Domination haven’t adversely impacted his passion for Arts and Crafts.

Ponies . . . globs of goo that vaguely resemble poop .  . . a cartoonesque picture of the girl he likes . . . a snowflake.  Klaus may be over 1,000 years old, but in terms of art appreciation, he still seems to prefer painting a range of subjects that would look right at home on the wall at an Elementary School art fair . . .  Maybe that’s why Klaus so much prefers hanging out with teenagers, than with people closer to his own age.  You know, like them . . .

old-couple

Stefan pops by the Klaus House, because there is important Mythology Stuff that must be relayed to the viewers.  And the writers secretly hope that the homoerotic allure of seeing Klaus and Stefan eyef*&k one another will help us to forget that this particular part of the show sometimes feels like homework . . .

funny stefan face

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It totally works, by the way.

Blah blah blah, vampire cure . . . blah blah blah hunter’s mark on Jeremy’s arm equals map to cure . . . blah blah blah sword “owned” by Klaus equals legend for map to cure.  It’s really nothing we haven’t heard before.  But I guess we all need a little refresher course, every once in a while.  And like I said, it’s fun to watch these two flirt with one another, even though we know they’ll never really bone, because this isn’t HBO or Showtime . . .

why lie

you and me

klefan

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Klaus and Stefan – Frenemies with benefits?

Later on in the episode, Klaus and Stefan share even more warm and fuzzies with one another, as they bond over the fact that they both maintain a Murder Victim Keepsake collection.  Stefan writes his victims name on a wall, and Klaus breaks into their homes and steals their letters  . . . you know . . . if they ever actually write any . . . and forget to send them.

alphonse love letter

“Dear Lover.  If you are reading this, it means you killed me.  So, take this letter and shove it up your ass, you MURDEROUS BASTARD!”

Klaus views this as a sign of shared loneliness.

utterly alone

I view it as a sign of shared psychosis . . .  Except, unlike Saint Stefan, at least Klaus doesn’t glue people’s heads back onto their bodies, after he’s chewed off their necks . . .

klefan death katerinawesley

klefan 2 katerinawesley

Same difference I guess.  But hey, it could be worse.  Klaus could draw ponies for all of his victims.

draw you another picture

Meanwhile at Mystic Falls’ Weekly Town Event Where Everyone Dies . . .

The Tale of the Dumbass Martyr

After you’ve been dating someone for awhile,  you begin to develop little tricks to coping with his or her . . . idiosyncrasies.  Tyler has been dating Caroline long enough to realize that she has a bit of a Freak Out Problem . . .

Kill or Be Killed

“I’m not angry!  What would make you think I’m angry?”

And this is probably the reason he chooses a VERY public place (i.e. right in the middle of town square) to drop the bombshell on her, that he’s LITERALLY planning on donating his body to Operation Kill Klaus.

crAZY CAROLINE

“First you go off and live in the mountains for six months, and now this?  I’m beginning to think you’re trying to avoid me.”

woah girl chill

*whistles uncomfortably*

I don’t know.  I mean, if they were planning on dumping Tyler’s body, along with Klaus’ “essence” (whatever that means”), into a vat of concrete, anyway, why not just push Klaus into the vat and be done with it?  (It worked on True Blood with Russell Edgington. . . for a half a season, anyway.)  Why must the Scooby Gang always needlessly over complicate things?  This is why their FAILURE RATE is so high . . .

nodding oh yeah

Just saying . . .

Nonetheless, the fact that Tyler is willing to do this for the hybrids that just last week tried to kidnap and kill his girlfriend, just because he believes it’s the “right thing to do,” shows just how far he’s come as a character, since his Season 1 douchebag days.  Tyler’s plan is admirable . . . idiotic, but admirable, which is why Caroline’s nickname for her boyfriend is entirely accurate.  Yes, fangbangers.  Tyler Lockwood is a Martyr.  But he’s also a DUMBASS . . .

tyler points

Speaking of dumbasses . . .

Have wood, will thrust . . .

OK, so let me get this straight.  You have this guy Jeremy, who has basically been converted into this supernatural serial killer.

badass

You’re inviting his sister over, who he’s once tried to kill,  so you can see if you can get him to STOP trying to kill her.  While he’s waiting for his sister, he’s at this lame lakehouse, where there’s pretty much nothing to do, but sit around and count the tiles on the floor.  And he’s bored.

don't die jer

Let’s brainstorm some things you could do with Latent Serial Killer Boy to keep him occupied, while he waits for his sister.  You could . . . break out some board games . . . like Scrabble, or Jenga . . . maybe even Pictionary.

pictionary

You could play Twister, or have a dance party . . .

wall jer

“Ooh what a feeling!  When we’re dancing on the ceiling .  . .”

You could . . . I don’t know . . . have sex with him.

jer anna gif

I mean, you could really do anything.  The world is your proverbial oyster.  But, you know what I wouldn’t do?  I wouldn’t GIVE HIM A MASSIVELY LARGE AXE, AND LET HIM GO OUTSIDE ALONE TO CHOP WOOD THAT CAN BE USED TO MAKE STAKES . . .

jer 1

jer 2

wrong choice

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All logic reasoning aside . . . Jer Bear is looking gooooooood . . .

jeremy arm

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Oh hey, so remember last week, when I complained that the whole “a vampire needs to be invited into your home” rule has been totally abandoned by the show?  Well, they used it this week!  Jeremy had to invite ELENA into her own lake house . . . and then he tried to stake her . . . with the stake he made . . . while chopping the wood, with the massive axe, that Dumbos 1 and 2, i.e. Bonnie and Professor  Numb Nuts, GAVE HIM . . .

caroline laugh

Is it weird that I was kind of jealous of Elena, while she was getting almost butchered by her own brother, because having his big burly arms wrapped pressed up against her chest looked like a lot of fun?

not incest

ELENA: “Your skin is so baby soft.  What kind of lotion do you use?”

JEREMY: “Vampire Death of Olay”

jer elena

“Considering we’re siblings and all, it’s probably a little inappropriate that you’re squeezing my ass.”

Doctor Do Nothing’s plan to hypnotize Jeremy into loving Elena again seemed like a bad idea, right off the bat.  And I think I’d be saying that, even if we hadn’t been reminded about 85,000 times since he first appeared that he’s Up to No Good.  Put it this way, they say that if you lose something while you’re drunk, the best way to find it is to get drunk again, because it puts you in the same frame of mind that you were in when you lost it?

Damon and Elena drink

Well, that’s kind of how I feel about Jeremy’s hunter tendencies.  He always seems like he’s in a trance, when he’s murdering vampires.  So, putting him in a trance seems like the exact WRONG thing to do, which, I suspect, might have been Stupid Hair, Phd’s plan all along.

drinking shane

Nevertheless, I did find Jeremy’s entranced admission that he “hates” Elena, because she’s indirectly brought about the death of everyone he’s ever loved to be kind of intriguing.  After all, there’s always a sort of truth to the things you do or say in an uninhibited state like trance.  So, even though Jeremy’s murderous tendencies are about 98% due to his hunter’s mark, there seems to be at least 2% that are a result of his unresolved subconscious anger at his sister for all that she’s inadvertently cost him.  That actually adds a surprisingly complex layer to Jeremy Gilbert’s personality that I would like to see explored more deeply in the weeks to come . . .

heman

heman toy

And here is another “layer” of Jeremy’s character that I’d like explored.  Thank you very much.

Also, I hate to say it, but Zombie Jer kind of has a point.  I mean, think about it: Jeremy’s biological parents, his uncle, Aunt Jenna,  Vicki, Anna, Alaric, almost all the people he’s ever cared about have died in service to the Save Elena Games.  Not that any of these deaths are necessarily Elena’s fault.  But you can’t blame Jeremy’s subconscious for making that very real connection . . .

And now that I’ve said all these nice, warm, fuzzy things about this particular storyline, I feel like I’ve earned the right to be a little bitchy.  Because yeah, I AUDIBLY gagged when it was revealed that BONNIE was Jer Bear’s one link to sanity, because he LOOOOOOOVES her so much.

puke

Oh gross!  I’ve seen paperclips that have more chemistry together than these two . . .

there's no place like home, theres

“There’s no place like home.  There’s no place like home.  There’s no place like . . . It didn’t work.  You’re still here.”

But hey!  Now, Jeremy can hug Elena, without snapping her neck.  So, progress?

hugsies

JEREMY:  *think about Bonnie . .  . think about Bonnie . . . think about Bonnie*

ELENA: “Jeremy get that stake away from my crotch.  I thought they cured you of trying to kill me!”

JEREMY:  “Ummm . . . that’s not a stake.  Maybe this thinking about the girl I want to have sex with, while hugging my sister thing, isn’t such a good idea, after all.”

But you know who ISN’T making progress?

BLOW ME . . . one last kiss.

Outside of the lake house, Elena admits to Damon that she logically knows that she was in love with Stefan, when she spent time with him this same location, last year.  But now she barely remembers it, nor relates to the feelings she supposedly felt so strongly, during that time.  That’s OK Elena, I often try to forget . . . and have difficulty relating to . . . your past relationship with Stefan too!

go team delena

Damon, of course, is still feeling guilty . . . about the existence of the sire bond . . . about lying to his brother about breaking the sire bond . . . about having the best sex of his life, while Stefan had to listen to Caroline babble for hours . . . about not telling Stefan that he had the best sex of his life . . . and, of course, about not telling Stefan that he was spending the day with Elena at the same lakehouse where Stefan may or may not have had the best sex of his life . . .

stefan shrug

That’s a whole lotta guilt for one guy!  And that guilt cup overflows, as Damon watches Elena bond with her brother over Christmas ornaments.

It’s at this moment that Damon makes the Heartbreaking Decision hinted at, by all the promos and episode synopses.  He tells Elena he’s setting her free.

ready to fight

do it

He sends her away with Boring Bonnie (talk about the punishment not fitting the crime!) in a scene that evoked memories of his compelling Jeremy to leave town a couple seasons back.

3 10 jeremy compelled keytodelena

And that’s what it feels like to me . . . compulsion.  I didn’t like it when it happened to Jeremy.  And I didn’t like it happening here.  In both situations, Damon was doing something ostensibly, for the good of the compelled.  He felt he was setting them free.  But in doing that, he was actually taking AWAY their choice, and forcing them to do something they ordinarily wouldn’t have chosen to do.  We saw it in Jeremy’s confusion, when he decided to selfishly leave his entire family in the middle of the school year, but couldn’t quite figure out why he was doing it.

2 18 i will always choose you starmoving love

We see it in Elena, as her body pulls her toward the car, but her heart seems to pull her back, causing her to lean in for one last kiss.

3 10 delena kiss

I know that Damon BELIEVES he’s doing the Right Thing.  And I respect that he loves Elena enough to be willing to give her up for the umpteenth time.  I’m just so tired of seeing this guy play the martyr, when it comes to Elena and Stefan.  And I wish the show would FINALLY let him catch a break.  He deserves it . . .

damon dont judge

Meanwhile, back home . . .

Mama Don’t Preach . . .

Now, I know Carol Lockwood croaked this week.  So, we’re supposed to be nice to her.  But I’ll admit I had to laugh a little bit, when Tyler told his mommy he was going to allow some random witch to dump his body into a vat of cement for a few decades, AFTER she enabled him to become possessed by Klaus.  And then, Mommy Dearest, more or less said, “Whatever makes you happy, dear?”

dont worry be happy

“I also totaled your Mercedes . . .”

REALLY?  Because if I ever said something like that to my mom, first she would CRY HYSTERICALLY . . . then she would take me to have my head examined . . . then she probably wouldn’t let me out of my room until I was about 55 years old.

Again . . . yes . . . this is a “Heroic Act.”  Yes, one could even say it’s the “Right Thing to Do,” but it’s also CATACLYSMICALLY STUPID!

draco malfoy facepalm

What’s worse?  Mama Lockwood then has the NERVE to tell Tyler that his FATHER would be proud of him, because, apparently, taking a two decade long nap, a la Rip Van Winkle, is a sign of GREAT LEADERSHIP.  Let’s not forget that this is also the guy who physically, mentally, and emotionally abused Tyler for years.  With parental role models like these, is it any wonder that Tyler thinks it’s a good idea to spend a significant portion of his perpetual late teens as a statue?

tylerdadtvd

“I wish Michaelangelo’s David was my son, instead of you.  At least he never gives his father any lip.”

I’m still on your side . . . except, not really.

Unlike Mama Lockwood, Caroline Forbes isn’t quite so chill about the idea of her boyfriend turning himself into a Tyler-cicle.  So, she rats him out to Papa Stefan . . . something she’s been doing A LOT, lately.  (More on that later.)

Of course, Stefan seems a lot less concerned with how the Tyler-cicle plan will impact the Forwood relationship, and more concerned with its impact on Klaus.

klaus tums

That’s right, Fangbangers.  It appears that dear old Saint Stefan has, ONCE AGAIN, found himself in the seemingly once-in-a-lifetime predicament of NEEDING TO KEEP HIS MORTAL ENEMY ALIVE.  You know . . . so he can save Elena from loving Damon A LOT MORE than she loves him vampirism.

you are perfect

In Stefan’s defense, he does at least TRY to find the cure, in a way that won’t ultimately involve his Princess Elena becoming a lifelong bloodbag / hybrid baby maker to the “Most Evil Vampire On the Planet.”  While Caroline’s flirtations at the Winter Wonderland Carnival keep Klaus occupied with Champagne Wishes and Vampire Barbie Sex Dreams . . .

fantastic

 .  . . Stefan ransacks his erstwhile boyfriend’s home, in search of the sword that is the key to the drawing on Jeremy’s arm, which is actually a map to . . . yeah, yeah, you know the rest.

Of course, Stefan can’t find it.  This I suspect, is only because he hasn’t looked in the SOAPDISH, where Klaus keeps his moonstones, or in the sock drawer, where Damon says people keep kinky stuff.  Something tells me the sword is probably in one of those two places.

So, Stefan confronts Tyler to tell him he can’t kill Klaus because . . . wait for it . . . ELENA NEEDS HIM.  And, of course, I have to laugh when Stefan gets all up in Tyler’s grill and says all menacingly, “I’m afraid I can’t let you do that to Klaus,” possibly forgetting (as the writers of this show often do) that Tyler, as a hybrid, is actually supposed to be a much stronger supernatural creature than Stefan.

sad hybrid

dying hybrid

3 11 hybrid

ear bit

Then again, maybe not . . .

Unfortunately, we never actually get to test that theory.  Because Tyler’s Hybrid Homebodys (and girls) appear on the scene, proving this to be not-at-all a fair fight.  Having won by default, Tyler turns his attention to CAROLINE THE BETRAYER, whose got this “I burped in Church” look on her face, like she knows she screwed up.

“I needed you to be on my side today,” Tyler says solemnly.

Except lately, the only person’s side who Caroline ever seems to be on is Stefan’s.  Could there possibly be something brewing between these two of which neither is yet consciously aware?  I wonder . . .

staroline

News gets slightly better when Shady Shane announces himself to Damon as someone who KNOWS where the cure is hiding, which will enable the Scooby Gang to get to it without Klaus OR the sword.  Now, that Klaus is allowed to die again, Caroline comes up with the idea to put him in his sister’s Rebekah’s body.  Tyler agrees, and everyone is happy .  . . well . . . almost everyone.

oops

Now, this is where things get confusing.  You see, I’m still not entirely sure what Professor Boobs Radley and Hayley are plotting.  On one hand, Dr. Snorefest agreed to help Damon and Co. find the cure WITHOUT Klaus, which seemed to suggest they wanted Klaus dead.  But then, the pair foiled the Scooby Gang’s plan to kill Klaus, implying that they wanted him ALIVE.  Also, Hayley seemed weirdly intent on Klaus’s “essence” possessing Tyler instead of Rebekah, which just made no sense whatsoever . . .

You re-killed Caroline!  You bastard!

I like how whenever vampires get “murdered” on this show, it’s nothing more than a “fun” opportunity to lie down for a quick cat nap.  Unfortunately, for Caroline, Hayley “murdered” her in a dirty public restroom.  RUDE!  She could have at least put down some paper towels on the floor, or something . . .

gameovertoiletBig

Clueless April Young finds Caroline that way and is clearly traumatized . . . so much so that, when Caroline un-dies, the “mere human,” almost seems a bit disappointed.  “But you were dead.  You had no pulse,” she whines. 

Maybe next time, April . . .

Oh, did I mention that Caroline tries to compel April to forget what she saw, but she can’t because the girl is wearing Jeremy’s vervain ring?  OOPS!

2 16 caroline j baker

In addition to NOT forgetting that Caroline came back from the dead, April also overheard her mention vampires, werewolves, hybrids and an UNDAGGERED REBEKAH, who, if you recall, is April Young’s only friend, who, just so happens to have spent the past few epsiodes “playing dead.”

3 9 ele beks stake the-chosen

Now, most of us, upon hearing someone babbling on like that in a public bathroom, would assume the babbler suffers from a disease common among teens known as “reading too much Twilight fanfiction.”

However, April lives in the Wackadoo Town of Mystic Falls.  And this prompts her to believe what she’s heard enough to investigate the tomb where a daggered Rebekah is supposedly buried.

wake up beks

hmmm

“This is like a life-sized version of those Stars without Makeup articles I read on the supermarket checkout aisle . . .”

As my dear friend Yoda would say, “Thickening . . . the plot is.”

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .

Caroline and Stefan engage in a little heart-to-heart about what awful people they actually are, and how, they aren’t really all that different from Klaus, aside from the fact that they have “family” to keep them from becoming super villains.  (Of course, Klaus has family too. He just keeps staking them.)

horrible person 1

horrible person2

Then, Caroline proceeds to PROVE herself to be awful by not-so-subtly insinuating that Damon and Elena did the deed, even though it was 100% not her place to give out that information.

To say Stefan took it poorly is the understatement of the century.

better in bed

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But, in his defense, maybe he was just cranky, because he hadn’t eaten all day . . .

freaking hungry

Have yourself a bloody little Klausmas . . .

Back in Winter Wonderland, Hayley rats out Tyler’s plan to Klaus, and Stefan doesn’t hear her do it, despite the fact that he has vampire hearing, and is standing only about 5 feet away.  Klaus then dashes out to the forest and systematically exterminates each and every one of his so-called precious hybrids to punish them for trying to kill him.  As Christmas Carols play eerily in the background, Klaus yanks out hearts, chops off heads, twists necks, punctures carotid arteries, and slams his boots into people’s brains.

last to turn first to go

But, in his defense, he looks kind of sad while he’s doing it . . .   So, it’s totally justified.

kapow

Yes, I AM kidding.  But honestly, the choreography, special affects, and directing on this scene are pretty much as masterful as TVD gets.  It was equal parts disgusting, poignant, disturbing, sad, and yet, oddly mesmerizing.

hold heart

“Klaus Mikaelson: Wearing YOUR heart on his sleeve since B.C.”

Kung Fu Hybrid 2 .  . . coming soon to a theater near you . . .

ahhhhh

P.S. I wonder if, after he finished his dastardly mass murder, Klaus went back to hybrid headquarters and stole all those dead kids iPhones.  After all, it’s probably the closest thing we have nowadays to letters.”

Hayley comes clean to Tyler about her betrayal.  And the poor guy barely has time to process the loss of this friendship, when he finds himself ankle deep in hybrid guts, and is forced to live with the fact that, had it not been for him, all of these folks (lame as they were) would probably still be alive today.

trevino hug

Bummer . . .

Speaking of bummers . . .

Off to that Cougartown in the Sky . . .

I wonder what the average life expectancy is in Mystic Falls.  On one hand, it seems like every character over the age of 30 croaks after about three episodes.  On the other hand, the place is CRAWLING WITH VAMPIRES and other immortalesque creatures.  This means that everyone in town is either about 18-years old, or 372.  Weird . . .

too weird too fast

Anywhoo, a winsomely tipsy Mama Lockwood is lounging by the fountain, waiting to meet up with her son, when Klaus pops by to say hi.  His face is covered in hybrid blood, and he’s got this crazy “I just killed twelve people” look in his eye.  So, you could imagine Mama Lockwood is a bit  . . . concerned about the whole situation.

I’m just wondering why she didn’t run . . . like immediately.  Wouldn’t you, if someone came at you looking like this?

2 17 no

I don’t know.  Maybe she was too drunk, or something.  Whatever the reason, Mama Lockwood takes this opportunity to plead for her SON’S life.  “He’s all I have left,” she says tearfully.

As it turns out, that was EXACTLY the wrong to say, as it gives Klaus an idea . . . a way of hurting Tyler the way Tyler hurt him, by taking away his “family.”  Poor Mama Lockwood gets a nice free facial in the fountain, courtesy of Klaus, and never lives to see the results.

Drowning in a 2 foot deep pool of water . . . it’s a pretty crappy way to go.  But, of course, not quite as crappy as having your heart literally ripped out of your chest by your  “maker.”  R.I.P. Mama Lockwood.  We barely knew ye.   But hey, look on the bright side!  At least you’ll have a very clean corpse!

clean corpse

“Dammit!  I left my Gucci Swimmies at home.”

On that lovely note, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Fangbanging Night!

klausy smirk

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Judge Not, Lest GLEE be Judged! – A Recap of Glee’s “The Funeral”

WILL:  “Just so you know, I’m not wearing any pants under here . . .”

Nothing says “glee-ful,” like a funeral, right?  This week, Fox’s most peppy prime time program, took a turn for the teary, when it focused on the untimely death of the most beloved relative of McKinley High’s LEAST beloved coach . . .

Oops!  I don’t think she liked that remark.

And yet, the episode wasn’t an ENTIRE cryfest.  We also got to experience, a few tour de force musical numbers, a sentimental tribute to Will Schuester’s impressive sweater vest collection . . .

Hopefully, now that he’s given all of his clothing away, we’ll get to see more of THIS Mr. Schue . . .

 . . . and, perhaps, most importantly, we got to watch Jesse St. James metaphorically make breakfast on the heads of all the Glee club members that AREN’T Rachel Berry . . .

“I already got MINE, guys!  Now it’s your turn!”

So, wipe that egg off your face, and keep some Kleenex on hand for a good cry, because it’s time for your weekly Gleecap!

New Directions, New Villains and Zombies Who Like to Poop . . .

Any guesses as to how many innocent bottles of hairstyling gel were harmed in the making of this photo still?

It’s almost time for Nationals, Gleeks!  And you know what that means!  It’s time for the Glee kids to fight with one another over who gets a solo!  (YAY!) 

For reasons that completely defy the imagination, Will decides to use his perpetually miniscule budget to hire a “show choir consultant” to help New Directions succeed in its upcoming competition.  And who better for the job, then the college dropout, who broke Rachel’s heart, and completely screwed over the club last year, by pretending to be one of its members, and ditching them at the very last minute, to sing for the enemy?

How could you not trust THIS face?

That’s right, boys and girls!  It’s Jesse St. Jack Ass, reporting for duty!  And if he wasn’t so friggin hot, I’m sure I’d have lots more bad stuff to say about him . . .

Jesse informs Will and Will mindlessly agrees, because he apparently packed his brain and soul in the same box as his sweater vests that the ONLY way for New Directions to win Nationals, is if they focus their entire performance around the club’s “best” singer.  In Jesse’s defense, this DOES seem to be the strategy most commonly employed by McKinley High’s most formidable opponents.  Take, for example, Vocal Adrenaline . . .

. . . and, of course, who could forget, The Warblers . . .

Of course, Finn, the humble soul that he is, suggests that he and Rachel lead the club in a duet.  At which point Quinn (who would rather give birth to another illegitamate child, than see Rachel and her boyfriend eye f*&king eachother on stage) “kindly” reminds her “honey” that this was precisely the strategy that lost New Directions the Regional competition to Vocal Adrenaline last year.

“Don’t make me go all Lucy Caboosey on your ass!”

Adding insult to injury is St. Jackass, who tells Finn that the latter is not particularly talented at singing OR dancing.  Oh, also, according to Jesse, when Finn performs, he looks like a “zombie who likes to poop.”  This, of course, begs the question of what, exactly, a “Pooping Zombie” looks like . . .  I’m going to guess that it looks something like this . . .

 

 . . . combined with THIS .  . .

 . . . and mixed with a little of THIS . . .

(Mean or not . . . you’ve got to admit, the Jackass has a point) . . .

So, Will decides to hold “auditions” for his Glee kids to determine which of them gets to be the New Directions’ equivalent of Blaine Warbler . . .

So . . . pretty . . . cannot . . . look . . . away.

Try a Lack of Tenderness . . .

“The competition is ON, like Donkey Kong!”

Under normal circumstances, I suspect that the ENTIRE Glee club would have auditioned for the solo role at Nationals.  However, since Finn was busy perfecting his Defecating Dead Guy Face . . .

 . . . and since half of the episode was spent on Sue’s storyline the rest of the cast was . . . ummmm . . . washing their hair that day, the only ones who actually auditioned for the spot were Rachel (SURPRISE!), Kurt (SHOCKER!), Santana, and Mercedes . . .

  First up was Santana, who sang Amy Winehouse’s “Back to Black.”

Her performance was pretty darn awesome.  And the fact that she did it stone cold SOBER unlike the REAL Amy Winehouse was majorly impressive.  She was also wearing an adorable outfit during her performance, which certainly doesn’t hurt (See above – I WANT THIS!).  Though, I must say, given Santana’s usual “take no prisoners” personality, I was a bit disappointed that when singing the line, “He kept his _______ wet,” she replaced the word “dick” with the, significantly less naughty (and, therefore, much less fun), “lips.”

What exactly do you have against ‘dicks’, Santana?” 😉

You can check out Santana’s entire performance, by clicking the internal link below . . .

Though Will thought this performance was “fabulous,” Jesse was underwhelmed, claiming that Santana missed the “emotion of the song.”  Personally, I think Jesse was just offended by the lack of “dick” in the number.  Think I’m exaggerating?  Then explain this to me:  Why did Jesse draw a picture of a puss . . . er . . . I mean . . . a cat, in his notepad, while Santana was singing? 

What’s new, Pussy Cat? 

Let that be a lesson to you, Santana:  Censorship is BAD!

Next up was Kurt.  He sang “Some People” from the Broadway Play Gypsy.  And it was. . . well . . . very . . . KURT-y.  That’s probably the best way to describe it . . .

I think part of the problem with the performance for me, was that my mind kept wandering during it.  I kept getting distracted by those bizarre skull and crossbone flare pants Kurt wore on stage, coupled with hisweird “tied in the back like a paint smock” vest.  Seriously, who DRESSES this kid?  Edward Scissorhands?

One thing that can be said for Kurt though, he is VERY FLEXIBLE!  Check out this move he managed to do, at the end of the musical number . . .

Blaine APPROVES!

But you know who DOESN’T approve of Kurt?  Jesse!  He wonders if Kurt is aware that “Some People” is a “Girl Song.”  “I make my living singing “Girl Songs” Kurt explains.  Point well taken, Kurt.  But that still doesn’t explain those ridiculous pants . . .

You can check out Kurt’s performance by clicking on the link below:

Third up was Mercedes.  She sang Otis Redding’s “Try a Little Tenderness,” which, if you are an afficionado of cheesy 80’s movies like me, you will remember as the song Jon Cryer’s Duckie absolutely KILLED (in a good way), during the film, Pretty in Pink . . .

If Santana’s and Kurt’s performances were good, Mercedes was AMAZING!  (Though, admittedly, her dancing abilities are nowhere near up to par with those of the Duckster!)  Even Jesse St. Jackass let out a “WOW,” when Mercedes belted out the song’s extremely challenging refrain.

This one is going on my ipod, FOR SURE!  You can check the performance out, for yourself, below . . .

And yet, despite being obviously impressed by Mercedes vocal range, Saint Jackass still had little nice to say about McKinley High’s most unapologetic diva.  He even went as far as to call the poor girl, of all things . . . LAZY!

Source

After Mercedes kindly offered to allow Jesse to “taste her fist,” Rachel took the stage with, you guessed it, her 85,000th Barbra Streisand song.

Now, I know . . . “Babs” is supposed to be Rachel’s “idol” and all . . . but COME ON!  Enough is enough!  There ARE other singers on this planet besides Barbra, that sing ballads, you know!

Anyway, Rachel sang a song called “My Man.”  Believe it or not, I had actually never heard the song, before the episode aired.  And I don’t particularly want to hear it again. 

Performance-wise, Rachel, as usual, did a fine job . . . well . . . except for two things: (1) she kept picturing Finn throughout the number, which was . . . nauseating annoying, to say the least; and (2) she made these weird, sort of constipated, facial expressions throughout the number.  Perhaps, Rachel’s Great Love for Finn is starting to make her emote like he does . . .

If you are a Rachel fan, and/or a Barbra Streisand fan, you will definitely want to check out the link below . .  .

You know who’s a HUGE Rachel fan?  Jesse St. Jackass!

OK . . . so, he might not have been such a big fan, back then.  But he’s definitely one now!  And because he really wants to touch Rachel’s Berries admires her work, St. Jackass has absolutely nothing bad at all to say about his ex girlfriend’s performance.  In fact, he thinks the Glee club’s Nationals’ performance should revolve around her . . . again.

Despite Jesse’s endorsement, however, Will ultimately decides that, rather than award ANY ONE GLEE KID a solo, the ENTIRE Glee club will sing original songs TOGETHER at Nationals . . . thereby making this entire audition process a whole load of poo.

“Haha!  Jokes on YOU, Gleeks!”

The audition process wasn’t a TOTAL loss, however.  It DID help Saint Jackass move one step closer to popping Rachel Berry’s cherries!

“Stop staring at my boobs, ya perv!”

Source

In other news . . .

A Farewell to Arms Sweater Vests

Will Schuester, this is your ‘What Not to Wear’ Fasion Intervention.”

So, remember a few weeks back, when April invited Will to be in her lame ass Broadway show with her?  Well, it turns out he’s going!  In doing so, he’s leaving EVERYONE and EVERYTHING behind him, including the Glee kids, Emma, and those HIDEOUS sweater vests.  Of course, Will hasn’t told his students this yet, because we need some sort of cliffhanger in the season finale he doesn’t want to distract them from winning Nationals. 

While at Will’s house helping him pack, Emma tells Will that she remembers the sweater vest he wore when they first met.  I can’t decide whether I think that is really sweet, or incredibly disturbing.  So, the next day, Emma shows up at school WEARING THAT VEST . .  .

Source

(OK .  . . I’ve made my decision, now . . . I’m going to go with “incredibly disturbing.”  Thank you very much.)

Hmmm . . . let’s see, what else happened this week? . . . Oh yeah . . . the funeral.

Pure Imagination

It started like any other episode, with Sue and Terri trying to foil the Glee club’s plans to fly to New York, by rerouting their plane to Libya.  (Libya?  Really?)  But then we learned that Sue had kicked Becky off of the Cheerios.  And things got pretty maudlin, pretty fast . . .

When Will finds out about this, he confronts Sue about her incredible lack of sensitivity.  Sue surprises Will by explaining that she kicked Becky off the Cheerios, because Becky reminds her too much of her older sister, Jean, who died of pneumonia in her sleep the night before.  As is often the case in these type of situations, Sue blames herself for not being there for Jean, during her final moments.

Will informs the Glee kids of Sue’s loss.  And, despite their extremely contentious relationship with the cheerleading coach, the kids arrive at her office, flowers and stuffed animals in hand, to pay their respects . . .

Finn and Kurt, both of whom know personally what it is like to lose a close family member, are particularly sympathetic to Sue, when she explains that she is too emotionally overwrought to sort through Jean’s personal items at the nursing home, or plan her funeral.  So, the pair (who have already planned a FABULOUS wedding for their parents – remember?) commandeer the Glee club to help out an Enemy in Need. 

Upon learning that Jean loved the film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, the Glee kids decorate the funeral home, with the film in mind, adorning Jean’s coffin with extra large lollipops, gumdrops, candycanes, and, of course, Everlasting Gobstoppers. 

Now, no offense to Jean (may she rest in peace), but, am I the only one who finds the Willy Wonka movie POSITIVELY TERRIFYING?  I mean, think about it, this is a story about kids that, as a result of some pretty minor infractions, turned blue and obese, drowned in chocolate, got shrunk to ant size, were attacked by squirrels, and got dropped down loooong trash chutes. 

Just sayin’

Poorly-selected theme aside, the funeral was a truly beautiful one.  It featured, among other things, Sue’s heart-tugging speech about her sister (which Will kindly read for the typically-stone cold educator, when she became too choked up to continue), uplifting videos of the deceased, during happier times . . .

. . . and the Glee kids tear-jerking performance of the song “Pure Imagination,” which was featured in the original film. 

Oddly enough, the event inspired Finn to break up with Quinn, in the parking lot outside the funeral home.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a Quinn fan, at all!  And I never particularly cared for Finn and Quinn as a couple.  But SERIOUSLY?  Talk about BAD TIMING!  I mean, how insensitive can you get?

“Are you friggin kidding me, Poopy Zombie?”

Of course, any sympathy I may have had for Quinn was lost, the moment she told Finn that she didn’t mind if he continued to have feelings for Rachel, provided he dated Quinn through next year, so that the pair had another shot of winning Prom King and Queen.

Obviously, a girl who makes THIS kind of request of the boyfriend, who is clearly trying to dump her for SOMEONE ELSE, is either extremely shallow, or has pitifully low self esteem.  (Maybe a little bit of both?)  That being said, Quinn’s emotional exit from the car following the Big Dump, illustrated that the Wanna-Be Prom Queen’s feelings for Finn may, in fact, be deeper than she would like the casual onlooker to believe . . . 

Oh, and she also threatened to do something naughty to Finn at Nationals.  Hmmm . . . I wonder what she’s planning . . .

Hide your bunnies and your balls, Finn!

The question is: now, that Finn has FINALLY made up his mind until he inevitably changes it again, can he win back Rachel, before she falls headfirst into the ass of Jesse St. Jackass?  Do we really care? 

Only time will tell . . .

In other potential Character Redemption News, by way of saying “Thanks for the funeral,”  Sue has decided that she no longer wants to send the Glee kids to their certain deaths in Libya.  (PROGRESS!) She’d much rather . . . run for a seat in the House of Representatives?

You’ve really gotta love a Random Plot Point, like this one!

Oh, and she let Becky back into the Cheerios, even going as far as to offer the loveable teen the position of Captain, for the following year. 

When the tightly-knit pair hugged one another, toward the end of the episode, I must admit, I got a little misty-eyed .  . .

Did I mention that Will’s ridiculously annoying ex Terri (she of the fake pregnancies, and such) is moving to Miami to become manager of the Bed, Bath and Beyond Sheetz n’ Things store, down there? 

Sayonara Sucka!

Or that this SAME woman randomly decided to get the ENTIRE GLEE CLUB first class tickets to New York for Nationals?  (The “Sheetz” in Lima must pay REALLY WELL!)  Yeah . . . I thought it was totally random too. 

But, instead of talking about side characters, who I DON’T care about very much, let’s talk about ones that I actually LIKE . . . who were totally missing from this episode . . .

Where’s the Beiste?

And the Sunshine?

And why the F*&K didn’t PUCK have any lines or shirtless scenes this week?

Next week, is Glee season finale!  (Can you believe this show has been on  for two full seasons already?) In honor of the Big Event, the entire cast will be heading to New York City for the National competition! 

You can check out the promo for this Sure-to-Be-Epic episode HERE:

So, my fellow Gleeks, the time has come for you to make your predictions:  Will New Directions  beat out Sunshine Corazon and her Vocal Adrenaline teammates, this year?  Or are they destined for yet another crushing defeat?  You’ll have to tune in next week, in order to find out.  See ya then!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under Glee

“I almost forgot how much I used to enjoy your pie.” – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Goodbye Columbia”

“Just so you know, Chuck Bass, you can sniff MY pie, any time you like . . .”

Flirting with cute boys and pie-sniffing aside, this was a tough week for our favorite Upper East West Side Princesses.

Both were battling some particularly EVIL Super Villains.

These two “villains” each separately plotted (Although wouldn’t it be AWESOME if they worked together?) to do something ABSOLUTELY UNIMAGINABLE to our fair heroines!  And what did these dastardly devils try to do, you ask?  DENY BLAIR AND SERENA THE RIGHT TO AN IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION!

“Oh the HUMANITY!”

Did the EVIL Super Villains succeed?  Were Blair and Serena cast out of Columbia, and forced to endure the ignominy of attending (gasp) a State School?  Read on to find out . . . IF YOU DARE!

OMG!  Creepy Stalkers are SO ADORABLE . . .

  . . . assuming they look like THIS, of course.

When the episode opens, Gossip Girl informs us that Serena is turning over a new leaf, and trying to become a “newer and better version of herself.”  When we first see Serena, we know instantly that she MUST, in fact, be “newer and better.”  After all, clearly, this is a girl who doesn’t get bogged down in the superficial details of life.  I mean, why else would she stop brushing her hair?

It’s like the “Before” picture in a Pantene Commercial . . .

Anyway, this “newer and better” Serena is rushing off to class, and hails a cab, only to find that (for, what we learn, is not the first time), some unnamed attractive dude . . .

Just in case you forgot what he looked like . . .

 .  . . has stolen said cab, and inserted some random hobag inside it.  (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?)

So, of course, Serena does what any sensible girl who is about to be late to class would do in such a situation, she hops on the nearest bus or subway pouts, whines, and stamps her foot like a toddler with poopy pants.

“When I do this at home, my Mom buys me necklaces from Tiffany’s.  Maybe this guy will do the same.  He certainly looks like he can afford it.”

Seeing that Serena is angry, Unnamed Attractive Guy, ignoring the hobag already in the taxi, holds the cab door open, and  continues to talk with Serena.  This lapse in time, gives our heroine ample opportunity to jump in the cab, and make it to class on time.  Instead, she stays and chats because . . .

 . . . (Do I really need to explain it to you?) 

As it turns out, Unnamed Attractive Guy has been spying on Serena, and stealing her cabs ON PURPOSE as an excuse to get slammed in the face with a taxi door flirt with her. 

Now, if you girls are anything like me, you all oohed and aahhed, and sighed at this scene, thinking it was “oh so sweet” and “oh so adorable” for Unnamed Attractive Guy to try to court Serena in this “creative” way.  However, let me ask you something.  Would you feel the same way about Unnamed Attractive Guy’s actions, if he looked like THIS?

 . . . or, how about THIS?

NO!  You’d think he was a scary stalker, and would probably wake up about two hours earlier every day, just so as not to run into him again!

But, as we know, Unnamed Attractive Guy did not look like THIS . . .

 . . . or THIS . . .

 . . . He looked like THIS . . .

 . . . and so, therefore, we all REALLY REALLY hope that these two get to do the horizontal mambo together, VERY soon!

The Gift that Keeps on Giving . . .

“I am a genie in a bottle, Baby.  But be careful when you rub me that way.”

One thing that must be said about Serena, she is a generous lover.  And by generous, I mean she shares her love with EVERYBODY!  So, of course, when Gossip Girl put out a blast that Serena had an STD, there were, understandably, a number of people on Columbia’s campus who were “concerned” by the news.

Like, for example, them . . .

 . . . and him . . .

. . . and them . . .

Coincidentally, if YOU happen to be in this picture, rest assured, the arrow that seems to be directly above your head is actually pointing at SOMEONE ELSE (Please don’t sue me!)

Unfortunately, Gossip Girl doesn’t specify which STD Serena has.  So, for the sake of illustration, let’s just assume, for argument’s sake, that she has one of these two . . .

Of course, us wily GG fans already know this blast is TOTALLY true false.  Someone evil is behind all this, and her name rhymes with “Muliet.”

Earlier in the episode, we watched Juliet have a conjugal visit meet in prison with the guy who is supposed to be her “Brother Ben.”  However, he totally acts like the Creepy Jealous Boyfriend / Homicidal Maniac in every Lifetime movie I have ever seen.  (Then again, maybe THAT’S how he got into prison!) 

Possible jailhouse footage of Juliet and Brother Ben, courtesy of Gossip Girl

During his and Juliet’s post-sex pillow talk meeting, Brother Ben stresses his impatience with Juliet, regarding her inability to isolate Serena from her friends, and get her expelled from Columbia — thereby “taking EVERYTHING away from her,” like she somehow did to Brother Ben.  (Yes . . . because I’m sure the Academic Scholar Serena, who didn’t even want to GO to college until about two episodes ago, would be absolutely suicidal, over getting kicked out of the school where she spent two days, during which she cut or was late to every class).

“What exactly is she implying?  I love school, because I am smart.  S-M-R-T.”

To protect Juliet’s “cover,” Brother Ben wants her to set up Nate as the Fall Guy for the plot to destroy Serena.  Juliet is conflicted.  Secretly, she hopes she will have time to SCREW Nate, before she has to SCREW HIM OVER.

Juliet’s Creepy Psycho Stalker Board a.k.a. “Research”

Later that day, Juliet convinces Nate to get tested for STDs, by withholding sex from him until he does.


Ummmm . . . you know, Juliet .  . . some STDs are ORAL.  Just saying . . .

Once she is certain Nate will, in fact, go through with getting tested, Juliet fans the flames, by telling Serena that NATE was freaked out by the Gossip Girl blast.

OH NO SHE DIDN’T!

Needless to say, when Serena sees Nate outside the Student Health Center, she is PISSED!

Gee Nate, you’ve been looking kind of pale lately.  I really hope you aren’t  . . . um . . . coming DOWN with something . . .

Of course, the first thing Serena does is subtly insult Nate’s “chastity” by commending him for getting tested, given the high number of sexual partners he has “experienced” recently.

Talk about the pot calling the kettle a SLUT!

Serena then selfishly asks that Nate wait a few days before getting tested, so that SHE won’t “look bad” in front of the whole school.

Ummm . . . honey, maybe you should have thought of that before coming on campus, without having brushed your hair first.

“There is someone else I need to get tested for,” insists Nate.  “SHE is my priority.  NOT YOU!

Accompanying Nate to the clinic, is his secret gay lover “new best friend” Dan Humphrey.

Unlike Nate, DAN DOESN’T need to get tested for an STD, because all HE and Serena did on that fateful night during the Season Finale was spoon . . .

To spoon or to fork?   That is the question.

 . . . at least, that was what Dan told his boring ass girlfriend Vanessa, when the first blast initially came out.  So, of course, you can imagine how freaked out the V-ster was, when she received a SECOND blast from Gossip Girl, noting Dan’s presence outside the Student Health Center.

“I was so upset I nearly peed in my hemp underwear (which were handcrafted by women of the Sioux Indian tribe, for your information).”

Vanessa, now completely convinced Dan has been lying to her about what happened that fateful night, publicly calls out Serena for being a Major Slutbag.

*sings*  “Tell me, tell me, tell me, something I don’t know, something I don’t know.”

(Note: Vanessa’s public anger at Serena will end up being important later.  So, don’t ignore the scene, just because it contains a character that you happen to find boring . . . like I usually do.)

Back in Crazy Psycho Stalker Land . . .

Population Juliet

 . . . Juliet begins to plant the seed in Nate’s head that he should steal Serena’s phone, in order to find out, once and for all, whether she has an STD.  (After all, STD test results take FOUR DAYS!  And when have you ever heard of ANYONE on this show going FOUR DAYS without sex . . . unless they were in a coma at the time?)  However, Nate doesn’t take the bait, because he is too stupid honorable.

Don’t worry, Nate.  There is no need to understand!  You’re WAY TOO pretty to have to worry about dull and unimportant things like “logical reasoning”. . .

Fortunately for Juliet, Vanessa is not NEARLY as pretty as Nate, so she has actually HAD to learn logical reasoning skills, while growing up.  When Vanessa approaches Juliet to bitch to her about Dan, Juliet instructs Vanessa to meet her at the Big Fake Party Designed to Put All the Characters in the Same Place Hamilton House.  There, she gets Vanessa to steal Serena’s phone to see if Dan wrote anything to Serena about their f*cking.

Lo and behold, there is a message on the phone from Dan that basically says, “Golly gee, isn’t it nice how we haven’t f*cked lately.”  (HOW CONVENIENT!)

Vanessa is OVERJOYED!

“I’m so happy I could dance nude in the light of the full moon, and praise Mother Nature!”

While a Happy Vanessa rushes off to do the horizontal mambo with a Non-Infected, Dan, Juliet uses Serena’s phone to send a message to one of Serena’s professors (the one who’s class she’s always missing,  because she can never catch a cab).  The message basically asks the professor, for a bump in grades in exchange for some STD-filled sex with Serena.

The professor tells the Dean about the e-mail.  And she instantly wants to expel Serena.  Of course, it isn’t until that very moment, that Boobs for Brains FINALLY realizes her PHONE IS GONE!

“DUH!”

Vanessa, being the moron that she is, publicly admits to taking the phone from Serena, out of guilt, even though it should be SO OBVIOUS to anyone with a pulse, who sent that message.  Then, Juliet jumps in, and blames the message’s submission on VANESSA! 

(NOW, do you see why that boring Serena / Vanessa “fight” was important?)

So, to summarize, Serena now thinks JULIET is a hero (who saved her from expulsion), and EVERYBODY HATES VANESSA.

(Coincidentally, when you think about it, the two statements above pretty much summarize exactly how most GG fans feel).

At the end of the episode, a number of things happen in rapid succession, with respect to this storyline.

1) Dan and Vanessa come to realize that a relationship without trust is just like every other relationship on this show not worth having, and eventually break up.

Maybe now, these two can go back to hanging out at their own school, NYU, (which, for the record, is ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF MANHATTAN, GG writers!), where they belong . . .

2) Serena has a drink with Unnamed Attractive Guy, who turns out to be someone who is slutty, but “smart and deep” . . . just like Serena pretends to be!

I swear, that just never gets old . . .

3) And, finally, after promising “Brother Ben” that she is “not falling for Nate,” Juliet shows up in Nate’s bedroom in sexy lingerie, and the pair have the HOTTEST SEX SCENE EVER!  Don’t believe me?  See for yourself . . .

Yeah . . . I totally watched that video like six times.  I’m not gonna lie.

Speaking of HOT COUPLES . . .

Scheming . . . as American as Apple Pie

This week, Blair tried to take the high road, and avoid HOT HATE SEX WAR with Chuck, by immersing herself in something he had absolutely no experience with, education.

“Books are for pussies.  My servants read FOR me.”

In typical Type-A personality fashion, Blair doubles her class load to avoid Chuck.  The class she wants to enroll in most is a Business Marketing class run by Professor Chamberlain.  So, Blair and her minions (who, by the way, look suspiciously similar to the minions she had last year at NYU) head off to wait online to enroll in the class (Huh?  No ONLINE enrollment?   What is this, 1990?). 

And yet, who should she see at the front of the line, but THIS GUY . . .

Like Juliet had decided earlier regarding Serena, Chuck has determined that the best way to get revenge against Blair for stealing away his Harry Potter Character He’d Most Like to Screw . . . Aside from Hermione lover . . .

 . . . would be to get her expelled from Columbia.  The only difference here is that, unlike Serena, Blair actually LIKES learning, so there is a bit more at stake, in this instance. 

As it turns out, Chuck despite being completely illiterate has decided to audit a few classes at Columbia.  Oh yeah, and he’s also Professor Chamberlain’s assistant.

This was precisely the position Blair wanted.  In fact, she wanted it so bad, she even resorted to having Dorota make making baked goods in order to get it.  “I almost forgot how much I used to enjoy your pie,” says Chuck seductively, as he moves just inches away from his “former” lover’s face.

In a scene whose hotness, though admittedly more subtle, rivaled that of Nate’s sex with Juliet, Chuck places his nose directly in line with Blair’s cleavage, and amorously inhales “her baked goods.”  Blair, though trying to look annoyed, is obviously more than a bit aroused by the act.  This is evidenced by the way her eyes close in ecstasy, and her mouth parts, for just a split second, before her face returns to its characteristic sneer.

Blair then tries to steal the assistant position from Chuck, by offering to set the Professor in question on a date, which, honesty seemed pretty ridiculous to me.  And yet, the lame-brained idea actually worked . . . that is, until Chuck pulled a little bait-and-switch on the dates.  This resulted in Blair setting the Professor up with ANOTHER WOMAN, even though she WAS STRAIGHT!

Shortly thereafter, at Hamilton House, Chuck and Blair duke it out, in one of their classic, “it is SO COMPLETELY OBVIOUS we are TOTALLY hot for eachother” fights.  During it, each detailed, the various ways they planned to blackmail Professor Chamberlain for the assistant position, if the other of them ended up getting it.  Professor Chamberlain overhears this and . . . quits?

Yeah, I didn’t get it either.  I really just wanted to see those two crazy kids sniff eachother again .  . .

At the end of the verbal f*ck fight, Chuck reiterates for the umpteenth time how much he wants to take everything away from Blair, just like she took a very boring thing everything away from him.  Blair then reiterates that she hates Chuck for screwing Racoon Zombie.

But this time, Chuck takes the argument one step further, by threatening to go public with his DEVIRGINATION of Little J, thereby ruining Chuck’s, Blair’s, and Jenny’s (not that she ever had one) stellar reputation, in the process. 

Just in case you thought he was bluffing, in the last scene of the episode we see Chuck making a phone call that somehow involves the following three things: Parson’s University, Jenny Humphrey, and . . . TIM GUNN?

In the words of the Man of Fashion, himself, “This concerns me.”

That’s all I’ve got folks.  Tune in next week, when the Racoon Zombie returns  . . . with redemption on her mind and an EVEN WORSE WEAVE on her head . . .

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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They’re Bringing Sexy Back! YEAH! – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Shiny Happy People”

These are two ACTUAL screencaps.   Both were taken from the first FIVE MINUTES of Thursday night’s Grey’s Anatomy.  You’re welcome.

After last week’s cringe-tastic, surgery heavy, UGLY episode . . . thanks to which, I will never view this image in the same way EVER again . . .

. . . it was really nice to see Grey’s getting back to it’s roots this week — You know, surgery-lite;  mushy-gushy relationship stuff / shirtless men HEAVY.  I don’t know about you, but I tend to prefer my Grey’s simple and super girly.  And a girly Grey’s was exactly what I got!

“Give me an E – S -T -R- O -G -E-N!  What’s that spell?”

Couples really took center stage during this episode of Grey’s.  Heck, even this week’s medical mysteries featured “couples” of some sort.  Well . . . except for ONE medical mystery . . .

WOAH!  This Disney Chick can ACT . . .  so well that I can almost forgive her for that Princess Protection Program movie . . .

 . . . ALMOST.

So, what are we waiting for?  Let’s get on with this girly boink-fest!

We’re Having a Party . . . Everybody’s Slutty!

The episode began with a PARTY at the Mer and Der House!  It was a party to celebrate McDreamy!

For what reason, I am not entirely sure . . . for being Chief, I guess.  The only problem was . . . it wasn’t a very good fiesta.  Karev, perhaps, said it best when he remarked, “This party blows.”

For one thing, everyone looked all stuffy and uncomfortable, in their suits and “business casual” dresswear, i.e. dowdy dresses, that don’t show anything above the knee.  Who the heck has house parties like this?  Your grandpa, that’s who!  And that’s when it suddenly occurred to me.  Our Greysies are getting OLD!

It’s TRUE!  Meredith proved it, when she said, “At my parties, we drank tequila and danced on tables!”  

And that was true . .  FIVE SEASONS AGO . . .

Remember the Boozy Slutty Dysfunctional Meredith of Season 1?  Good times!

But it’s not true now!  The one good thing about the party, was that it offered us this lovely picture, of our suave and suited Grey’s men, sipping scotch and poring over floor plans . . .

How very Ocean’s 11 of them!  Not this Ocean’s 11, mind you . . .

 . . . more like this one . . .

See what I mean . . . about the OLD?

Anyway, things improved quickly, when we LEFT the party and were delivered NOT ONE, BUT TWO, shirtless prelude-to sex scenes . . .  The first one was between Bailey and her latelyMIA Gas Man . . .

Remember him?  If you didn’t before, I bet you won’t forget him NOW!

The second scene, not-so-surprisingly, featured Mark “I-Get-More-Play-Than-A Slot-Machine-In-Vegas” Sloan.

What was surprising, was who he was with.  It wasn’t his current girlfriend, Teddy, nor his ex-girlfriend, Lexie.  Nor was he with his “friends with benefits” gal pal, the recently single, Callie.  Nope, Sloan was with . . .

 . . . that annoying pixie-haired Mercy Wester chick, who hasn’t been around for half the season? 

Ummm . . . yeah, so McSteamy is coming out of the shower all steamy, after what was probably a fairly tepid round of lovemaking with Slutty but Boring Doc Reed, when, who walks in and catches them post-coitus? 

You guessed it, his current girlfriend TEDDY!  To Sloan’s credit, he doesn’t do that thing you see in romantic comedies, where the guy gets caught in the act of cheating, and he starts jumping around like a jack rabbit, sputtering, “It’s NOT what you think!”  (When it always is exactly THAT!) 

Instead, he INVITES TEDDY TO JOIN THEM!

Way to go McSteamy!  You may be a mental midget when it comes to the ways of women, but you sure are COOL!

Unfortunately, the producers cut away from the scene, before we can find out if Teddy accepts the proposition, but I’m thinking . . . NOT!  Truth be told, Teddy is only interested in one threesome, and one threesome only .  . . this one.

News Flash Cristina Yang, Owen is Just Not That Into You . . .

Hey, Yang!  Wanna join my book club?  We’re reading one that you will LOVE!

Speaking of the World’s Most Unhappy Threesome Ever, while Teddy is being cheated on by Mark, Owen is impulsively asking a drunk Cristina to move in with him, “because my therapist said it was a good idea.”  Now if that’s not a ringing endorsement for romance, folks, I don’t know what is! 

Cristina instantly AGREES to this lame proposition, and I start to wonder whether the majority of her brain cells are housed in her scrubs.  After all, it seems like such an uncharacteristically DUMB move on the part of a woman who, normally, is one of the most intelligent characters on this show.  Then again, it wouldn’t be the first time that a man made Cristina do less than brilliant things . . .

EEEVILL!

 Meredith overhears this exchange, and is again faced with the moral crisis she dealt with last week.  You see, Meredith is convinced that Owen’s failure to follow Cristina’s wishes, and help Teddy keep her job, was incontrovertible evidence that Owen is secretly in love with Teddy.

“I LOVE YOU . . . so I tried to get you fired.  My therapist said it was a good idea . . .”

 So, on one hand, she owes it to her BFF Cristina to let her know that her boyfriend is a poopy head .  . .

.  . . and, like all poopy, deserves to be unceremoniously dumped.  On the other hand, the information she learned about Owen, came from Derek, and the confidentiality requirements associated with Post-It Note Marriages, are SERIOUS!

Nothing says loving like Sticky Paper, purchased in a 150-note multicolored pack (2 for $3.00!) at CVS . . .

So, Meredith decides to play King Solomon and split the baby . . .

 . . . instead of outright telling Cristina about her poopy head boyfriend, she drops annoyingly coy hints of his emotional infidelity, throughout the episode.  Initially, Cristina, who has always been a “shoot the messenger” type gal, gets pissed at Meredith, and denies that such infidelity exists.  However, with the seeds of doubt successfully planted, and love triangles seeming to haunt her wherever she goes, Christina starts to question the nature of her relationship with Owen. 

Ultimately, in a really great scene, Meredith confronts Owen about his feelings for Teddy.  Meredith explains to Owen, that if he is a “good guy,” he will come clean to Cristina about his throwing Teddy under the bus, when her job was on the line, and then lying about it.  In true Grey’s fashion, Teddy, of course, overhears all of this.  But to her credit, no trace of a sh&t-eating grin can be found on her face, upon hearing the good news.

Nor does she break into song, belting out, “You really LIKE me!  You think I’m SEXY!  You want to DATE me!”

Color me impressed.  Ultimately, Owen confesses his lie to Cristina.  And when she outright asks him whether he is in love with Teddy, he says, articulately, “I don’t know.”  (Perhaps he should get a new therapist.  Because, clearly, the one he has now is not doing a good job, writing his “lines” for him.)

At the end of the episode, in a scene highly reminiscent of early Grey’s, a torn-up Cristina crawls into bed with Meredith and admits that she and Owen are no longer moving in together.  Meredith changes the subject, but does so in a sweet way, by showing Cristina the plans for her and Derek’s house in the woods, where there is a separate room for Cristina to crash whenever she find herself in need of a hug . . .

Awww!

Relationships are like ducks . . .

Things were going significantly better for new couple, Alex and Lexie, this week, at least, on the surface.  After expending WAY too much mental energy on the recent sexual rendezvous of her ex- Sloan, especially, for a person who claims to be “over him,” Lexie decides it might be a good idea to issue Alex an ultimatum on the state of their sort-of relationship.  And, while normally, such an ultimatum, would have sent Alex running for the hills . . .

Running shirtless .  . . (Oh come on, as if a picture like that EVER needs a proper recap tie-in to be included!)

 . . . New and Improved Alex responds by making out with Lexie in public AGAIN.  Once they are done swapping spit with one another, he tells her.  “Yeah, we are a thing.  Whatever.”  (OK, I’m thinking that Owen’s inarticulate therapist is writing Alex’s lines too.  How about you?)

Later, when Meredith questions Alex about the nature of his relationship with Lexie, he explains that he is acting like . . . a duck.

Because ducks are sexy . . . (Awesome pic “borrowed” from marginalnotes btw)

Although the metaphor was, admittedly, a bit unclear, I think Alex was referring to the whole, “If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and acts like a duck, it’s probably a duck” thing.  In other words, act like you are in a healthy relationship, and soon you will actually find yourself in one.  Ummm . . . yeah, I’m not so sure about that, Alex . . .

And apparently, Lexie isn’t so sure either.  When Mark professes his love to her, at the end of the episode, Lexie doesn’t immediately jump his bones, but she doesn’t put up much of a fight either.  “I have a boyfriend,” says Lexie, half-heartedly.

“But I’m telling you that you could have a husband,” replies Most-Articulate-Male-of-this-Episode, Mark (maybe more like a Dad than a husband, but, like Alex says, “Whatever”).

It’s definitely a May – December Romance.  But in terms of “couple names,” “Sexie” TOTALLY kicks “Lalex”‘s butt!

So they’ve got that going for them, at least.

The Medical Stuff

You know what was really interesting about this week’s three “medical mysteries?”  They all got SOLVED!

 . . . and NOBODY DIED!

 . . . and that burn victim chick got her hair back!

It was the happiest hospital day EVER at Seattle Grace!  First, we got to meet an awesome star from Happy Days!

“What?  You were expecting, The Fonz?”

It’s Mommy Marion Ross!  She still looks pretty good!  And, apparently, I wasn’t the only one who thought so!  In a series of events that ONLY happens on TV, Marion Ross’s character, Betty, is in the hospital, getting  .  . . something done . . . not sure what . . . when she runs into Cute Old Dude Henry, her long lost love, who she hasn’t seen in 50-years. 

 They are eachother’s “one that got a way.”  Now, with no more obstacles standing between them (because all of those obstacles, unfortunately, are now DEAD), Betty and Henry decide to move in together (once they get out of the hospital, of course), and give their relationship a go.  I know, it sounds kind of lame, but it was actually really sweet.  And Cute Old Dude Henry had a voice that sounded like it narrated fairy tales for a living, so that made it even sweeter . . .

We also got to meet a burn victim in the hospital, who was supposed to get a hair regrafting (she had lost most of it in a car explosion), when she learns that she has an infection on her arm, and needs her fingers amputated.  At first, the doctors tell her that her infection will prevent her from getting the hair regrafting operation.  But then, they decide, RISKS be damned, HAIR IS IMPORTANT! 

And so they do the grafting during the hand amputation.  Of course, had Burn Victim Girl appeared in ANY OTHER episode, aside from this one, this would have been a perfect opportunity for the writers to senselessly kill her off, and manipulate us fans into tears. ( And we know how Grey’s LOVES the tears!)  However, Burn Victim Girl was lucky, because she got to star in an episode entitled “Shiny HAPPY People.”  And because HAPPY people tend to be, more often than not, ALIVE, she got to live too!

Finally, in what was the best “medical mystery” of the episode, Demi Lovato . . .

HEY!  What did I say about referring to that film again?

Sorry . . . Demi Lovato . . .

 . . . enters the hospital as a teen diagnosed with schizophrenia, who was admitted to the hospital after, literally, trying to claw her eyes out!  Everyone at the hospital thinks she’s a TOTAL nutjob, except this guy . . .

Sigh!

Who, instead, assumes she must have some extremely rare disease.  (After all, those have been conveniently traveling around Grey’s in search of likeable guest stars patients since Season 1).  Alex runs some initial tests on the teen, and comes up empty handed.  He then confronts his girlfriend with the photographic memory, Lexie-pedia, with his patient’s symptoms.  Intially, she can’t remember where, in the many medical books she has memorized, she saw the disease.  “Lexie-pedia is FROZEN!”  Alex complains.  (I LOVE HIM!)

But then Lexie remembers that the disease can be found in some obscure medical journal from 2004 with a light green cover.  In the next scene, we watch as Alex outfits the teen in this weird scary head gear, that makes her look like Johnny Five from those old Short Circuit films . . .

As if, on cue, Demi’s eyes go all buggy, and she freaks out.  So, of course, this was all Karev needed to diagnose her as having a small hole in her inner ear, that allowed her to hear everything that was going on inside her body.  YUCK!  Apparently, all this rare disease takes to cure, is a brief operation where the hole is plugged up.  After the operation, we know that Demi is sane again, because she is wearing a bandage around her head that looks like a really stylish headband . . .

Dear Demi,

Now that your “sane,” I’d really like my headband back.

XOXO

Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl

In Other News . . .

 . . . Callie and Arizona shared an impromptu sexy makeout session in the elevator . . .

Ooh, la, la!

But accomplished precisely NOTHING in terms of their relationship . . .

Boo, la, la 😦

Oh, and the Gas Man . . .

This pic NEVER gets old . . .

 . . . told Bailey . . .

 . . . that even though he sometimes flirts with random nurses, he saves all the GOOD flirting for her . . .

Shondra Rhimes, PLEASE don’t make us fall in love with the Gas Man, if you plan to rip him away from us next season, in order to use him on your new pilot!  (Although, I think it might be too late . . . because I’m in love already).

So, there you have it, “Shiny Happy People,” in a nutshell.  This was the LAST new episode of Grey’s before the show airs it’s purportedly “game-changing” two-hour season finale (with the hours entitled “Sanctuary” and “Death and all of His Friends,” respectively) next week.  Media sites have teased that the final two episodes of Season 6, will feature nothing less than a SHOOTING and a fairly major character death.  Here’s a sneak peak at the promo . . .

Thanks for the video, adam9316!

I’ll admit it.  I’m afraid . . . very afraid!  See you next week!

 

 

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“THAT was awkward!” A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “How Insensitive”

 

This week’s installment of Grey’s Anatomy was just FILLED with squirm-inducing, uncomfortable moments.  Moments that were just ASKING for someone to say or do the wrong thing, out of sheer discomfort.  So, it was probably a good thing that the episode began with the Seattle Grace staff taking a crash course in sensitivity training, led by “The Nazi” herself, Miranda Bailey.

“I pity the fool who’s INSENSITIVE around my patients!”

 Here are just some of the awkward moments that our favorite doctors coped with this week . . .

Have 700-pound man, CAN’T travel . . .

Mere minutes after the crew concluded their half-assed class in sensitivity training, a 700-pound patient was delivered to Seattle Grace on the back of a flat bed truck.  In addition to some of the more obvious complications generally associated with carrying that much extra weight (heart conditions, breathing problems, diabetes, immobility, gout etc.), the patient also had a less obvious condition that was life threatening and required medical care.  Namely, a seriously heinous-looking rash was developing beneath his many layers of skin tissue and fat. 

And let me tell you, for those of you out there who are trying to diet, leave this episode on your DVR queue.  When the episode started, I was chowing down on my favorite cereal — two minutes later I had COMPLETELY lost my appetite!

Watch TV, make this face, LOSE WEIGHT!  It’s that simple!

When I started to write this recap, I was torn as to whether I would post pictures of the 700-pound man.  After all, I do have access to them.  And they would certainly help you, the reader, get a better idea of what our doctors were faced with.  Yet . . . quite frankly . . . it was GROSS!  And my blog has been so pretty up until this point — pretty and filled with hot shirtless men who weigh significantly less than 700 pounds.  Like, for example, Justin Chambers (who plays Karev on the show) . . .

So did I really want to do this to my readers and my blog?

Now . . . before you start calling ME insensitive (Shallow?  Maybe.  But insensitive?  Definitely not)  . . . I should tell you that the actor who played the 700 – pound man is not actually 700 pounds.  In fact, he is a very charming, sort of attractive, character actor named Jerry Kernion.  Here’s his REAL picture, sans fat suit.

But the makeup department at Grey’s Anatomy did an almost TOO GOOD  job of making the guy you see above, frighteningly obese and rash-filled.  What’s more, if I posted the actual picture, you might be so disturbed by it that you would miss the point that show was trying to make.  After all, the patient, named Bobby, was so sweet, self-depracating, and genuinely likeable, throughout the episode, that, after a while, you stopped seeing him as the grotesque product of latex and a BIG FAT SUIT, and more as a jolly chubster like this . . .

So that’s what I’ve ultimately decided to do.  Whenever I refer to the 700-pound Bobby in this blog, you will get a picture of The Nutty Professor for your viewing pleasure.  You’re welcome.  Anyway, back to the show . . .

So, 700-pound Bobby . . .

 . . . is being surprisingly light-hearted about this whole thing, smiling and cracking jokes, as the hospital staff pokes and prods him like an animal.  But the staff is so freaked out by their predicament, and so petrified of being thrown off the case for making insensitive remarks, that they come off as cold and distant.  Bailey tosses out Christina and Dr. “Hotness” Avery . . .

Sigh . . .

 . . . within about two minutes, for making fat jokes under their breath.  And that random Frankenstein-y Mercy West doc follows shortly after, for comparing Bobby to a rhinocerous.  But by far the Most Insensitive Comment of the Evening Award goes to Nu-Chief Shepherd, who suggests that the patient be sent home to die because, “Why should we expend our time and resources to care for a patient who doesn’t even both to care for himself?”

Special thanks go out to smileymileyfan35 for this awesome compilation!

Ultimately, Dr. Less-Than-Dreamy reconsiders his earlier position, when we learn that Bobby’s wife is pregnant.

This, of course, raises the inevitable question of HOW?  Down at the hospital cafeteria, home to some of Grey’s Anatomy’s most humorous moments, including this one . . .

Thanks LightSpectre!

 . . . the Grey’s crew tries to figure out the logistics of a sex act between a 700-pound man and a 120ish pound woman.  Karev even resorts to using a “model.”

Unfortunately, for Karev, Bobby’s wife ALSO eats in the cafeteria, and she hears the entire exchange!  OUCH!  To her credit, this woman slays the crew with kindness.  With a smile on her face, she tells them that she would be happy to let them in on the logistics of her sex romp provided the rest of the group share their sexual kinks.  “Then again, it’s probably none of my damn business,” she concludes icily, before stalking away.

She sure showed them . . .

Later Alex confronts the wife to apologize, but she is understandably non-receptive.  “You didn’t know him before this,” she explains.  “To me, he’s still the same man I married.  All he’s been trying to do all day is make you laugh, and you’re all so disgusted by him, you can’t even crack a smile.  I thought you could help him.  But you’re just making it worse.”

Taking the woman’s speech to heart, Alex visits Bobby . . .

 . . . who is now convinced he wants to die.  “No child deserves a father like this,” says Bobby.  “It would be better if he didn’t know me at all.”

Alex eases the tension by exchanging a few fat jokes with Bobby.  He then gives him some tough love, explaining that a decision to die would be a selfish one.  He would be leaving his wife to clean up a “700-pound mess.” Alex ultimately convinces Bobby to go through with the risky surgery by saying, “at least your wife and kid would know you tried.”

After a few nerve-wracking hiccups, Bobby survives the surgery and vows to make some major lifestyle changes.  We hope he does, because we like our Nutty Professor a lot . . .

 . . . and we want to keep him around.

The Gossip, The Big Fat Liar  . . . and Meredith

When Gossip Girl Derek  . . .

 . . . makes an offhand comment to Meredith about Owen refusal to support Teddy, when her job was on the line last week, he puts his Post-It Wife in a BAD position.  On one hand, Derek is her sort-of husband, and she should generally keep his confidences.  On the other, Christina is her best friend.  And if her best friend is dating a Big Fat Liar (Owen told Christina he had helped Teddy keep the job), she has a right to know about it.   To Meredith’s credit, she initially keeps her mouth shut.  But when she overhears Teddy THANKING Owen for his help and support, she can’t help but toss a withering look his way.

And so, like a petulant child, with his hand caught in the cookie jar, Owen  . . .

Sergeant D-Bag

 . . . reacts defensively by kicking Meredith off his surgical team for no apparent reason, and freaking out on Derek for divulging his confidences.  Derek confronts Meredith and the two get into a heated argument about the importance of openness and confidentiality in a marriage.  However, I’m with Meredith on this one.  If Derek didn’t want Post-It Wife to react to information that was obviously pertinent to the life of her best friend, he just plain shouldn’t have told her.  BAD DEREK!

Divorce Papers, PDAs and Foreplay

I know, I know . . . this is an OLD pic.  Just imagine Lexie with blonde hair, OK?

So Izzie finally sent Karev the divorce papers (because Katherine Heigl is off the show).  And Karev didn’t seem to think that this was pertinent information to share with girl he’d been screwing for the past four or five episodes.  But when Meredith tries to discuss it with him, Lexie overhears.  OOPS!  And she’s pissed!  When confronted with the issue, both halves of the screwing bunnies claim that their relationship is just about sex.  However, at the end of the episode, when Karev is signing the divorce papers and Lexie stops by, he plants a big sloppy wet one on her in public, which, in Grey’s world, equals TRUE LOVE!

 (at least until someone better comes along . . .)

Breaking up is Hard to Do . . .

We all knew it was coming.  It was just a question of when it would happen and how it would arise.  Honestly, the circumstances that brought about the Callie / Arizona breakup seemed a bit contrived to me.  But that didn’t make it any less heartbreaking when it happened. 

So, there was this cheeky little bike riding chick in the hospital who needed a knee repair.  And she starts TOTALLY hitting on Callie hardcore.  This was REALLY ballsy of the chick, I think, because (1) Callie is her doctor; and (2) your gaydar has to be PRETTY fine-tuned to pick up on Callie Torres’ same-sex tendencies.  I mean, she’s not exactly this guy . . .

Before leaving the hospital, the biker chick writes her telephone number in permanent marker on Callie’s hand.  (What, no cell phone?  Is this another 80s flashback episode, and I just didn’t know it?)  So, Callie, being the passive aggressive gal she is, shows Arizona the number and says, “Every time I looked at this girl, I just kept wondering if she might want to have a baby someday.”  (Riiiiiiight . . . because that’s the first thing I think about, when I find myself attracted to a perfect stranger . . . FERTILITY.)

After hearing this, Arizona agrees to move out of the apartment that the couple shares.  The two lovers cry, while hugging it out.  Love sucks!

“I miss my dad.”

Speaking of crying, Sandra Oh had me bawling like a baby this week.  It all started when she was asked to watch over a little girl who’s mother had experienced a heart attack. While the mother is undergoing tests, Christina bonds with the little girl — so much so, that when the mother is rushed into surgery, Christina chooses to comfort the crying child, instead of operating on her mother.

While the pair is playing cards, the little girl asks Christina what will happen if her mother dies.  Just as she is asking this, Avery enters the room, and silently lets Christina know that the little girl’s mother did not make it through surgery. 

Trying to keep her face impassive, Christina replies,  “If your mother dies, you will blame yourself.  You will think that you did not do enough to help her.  But that is not true.  You did everything you could.  Remember that.  And it’s going to hurt everytime you think about her.  But, over time, it will begin to hurt a little less.  Until, one day, you will find that you can think about her, without it hurting much at all.”

(And, wow, I just cried typing that.)

Avery . . .

Sigh . . . Are any of you routing for an eventual Christina / Avery pairing, as much as I am?

 . . . who overheard Christina’s speech, confronts her about it, wondering about whether she had experienced a similar death in the family, at a yong age.  (Long-time viewers, like myself, know that her father died in a car accident, when she was very young.  Christina was in the car and had to watch him die.  It was this experience that prompted Christina to eventually become a doctor.) 

Christina sloughs it off, claiming that she was merely “kicking ass at sensitivity training.”  However, later, when Meredith approaches Christina, she roughly pushes her away, asking to speak to Owen.  When Owen enters the room with her, she breaks down, “I miss my dad,” she admits tearfully.

(And I just starting crying AGAIN, as I typed that.  Hormones much?)

While I go find some tissues, I’m going to leave you with this clip from next week’s installment of Grey’s Anatomy, which guest star’s Disney darling, Demi Lovato, as a schizophrenic patient with a penchant for self-mutilation.

Thank you Bluesky1234 for the late-breaking video!

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Make Room for Daddy (and Jenny) : A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Dr. Estrangeloved”

Uh, oh . . .

Greetings, Upper East Siders!  Tonight’s GG installment touted the return of many things us fans may or may not have been missing from Seasons past: (1) a wasted, shaggy-haired, self-destructive, and generally D-baggy Chuck . . .

So HOT!

 . . . (2) an uber slutty, gothed out, stringy-haired, man-stealing Little J . . .

So NOT!

 . . . and (3) a formerly absentee daddy, who kind of, sort of,  makes a pass at his own biological daughter

So CREEPY!

Let’s revisit, shall we?

Little Girl Lost (Bad Hair Found)

So, apparently, while Serena has been MIA searching for her not-so-proud papa, Jenny and Nate have been getting mighty chummy.  She’s been crashing at his place, sleeping in his bed (He sleeps on the couch), and supposedly wearing his shirt . . .

OK, GG Fashion Department, this is where I call BS.  That shirt Jenny was wearing?  HUGE . . . Nate?

Not so much (still cute though).  The pair was also  involved in some SERIOUS Wii Tennis Tourneys.  And can I just say, if that game is anywhere near as sexy as Chuck described it here (sweaty bodies touching, grunts, groans, and sexual tension galore), I would hereby like to officially add a Wii to my Birthday Wish List . . .

How phallic!

Anyway, Serena texts Nate to let him know she’s back home. So, our boy promptly ditches Little J’s ass.  She sulks unattractively, convinced all hope is lost.  However, EEEVVVIL (and hot) Chuck encourages Jenny to use Serena’s return to her advantage, by trying to drive a wedge between the happy couple.  Why did Chuck suggest this you ask?  Well, if you recall, last week Blair dumped his butt.  So, now he’s miserable, and wants everyone else to be miserable too . . . And nothing could make a person more miserable than dating Little J . . .

“I’m misery incarnate!  Yay me!”

Jenny takes Chuck’s advice, stealing Nate’s shirt (which conveniently has his last name etched in the back – His maid must have done that, because we all KNOW Mama Archibald doesn’t sew!).  Jenny then “accidentally” pulls the shirt out of her purse, when she runs into Serena later that day.  Jenny’s evil plan seems to work, because Nate and Serena quickly start bickering over the shirt, as well as Serena’s recent MIA-ness. 

“I was washing my hair.  Not like Little J!  Her weave is probably waterproof!”

Having so much success the last time, Little J takes Chuck’s advice again by “dressing like someone who doesn’t have a mother” (which she sort of doesn’t), when she accompanies Nate and Chuck to a party in Brooklyn. (Yes, boys and girls, our Upper East Siders actually LEFT the Upper East Side this week  . . . and went somewhere other than the Hamptons.)

When Serena calls Nate on his cell phone, Jenny sparks her ire again, by approaching Nate and — loudly enough so that Serena can hear — suggesting he do shots with her . . .

“Drink these, Nate.  They will lower your standards, and make you forget that I am UNDERAGE!”

When Serena rips Nate a new one over the phone for being out with Little J, Nate gets pissed, and decides he wants to “go back to the apartment and get wasted.”  (Smooth move Nate!  Because liquor and heartbreak always mix SOOO WELL!)  Of course, Jenny goes tromping off after him.  Back at the apartment, Nate is bitching to Little J about Serena.  And Little J takes up the bashing in full force, telling Nate that he deserves better, and that SHE would never treat him that way.  Jenny then pulls Nate in for a kiss, which he rebuffs. And Serena arrives at the apartment, just in time to see the WHOLE THING!

“Not cool Nate.  When I told you to bring someone back to the apartment for a threesome, I assumed you would at least choose someone hot!”

Nate and Serena begin to duke it out, and, through their fighting, they figure out that Jenny orchestrated this whole mess. So, Nate kicks Little J to the curb . . .

 . . . and Serena and Nate kiss and make up (meh!  – At least it’s the lesser of two evils . . .)

World’s Creepiest Dad . . .

Why was Serena all “MIA” from Nate’s life during this episode, you ask?  Well, it turns out she was dealing with family issues.  If you recall, last week, when Serena went to her biological father’s apartment, she found her mother there . . .

Apparently, all this time, Serena’s father has been treating Serena’s mother for cancer.  The pair had temporarily cut ties with their entire family, to keep this a secret from them (which, I’m sorry, seems really weird and unrealistic – I don’t blame Rufus for being skeptical).  Papa van der Woodsen arrives in the Upper East Side to break the news to everyone.  He claims that Lily is in remission now (that was fast!), but he would like to rekindle a relationship with his daughter . . .

OK, here’s the thing . . . I always REALLY liked Billy Baldwin.  In my opinion, he was the hottest Baldwin brother (Alec was the funniest, Stephen was the most religious, Daniel is . . . nevermind).  I even liked him as the sexy sociopathic voyeur in that bizarre Sharon Stone movie, Sliver . . .

And for a middle-aged dude, he still looks pretty good.  My issue here, I think, is with how Billy chose to play this particular role. I’d read in a recent Entertainment Weekly interview with Mr. Baldwin, that he was kind of offended that GG cast him as Serena’s dad.  After all, in the past, he always played the boyfriend of girls like Serena. 

You know what?  It totally showed.  When Billy asked Serena out to a local restaurant “to chat,”  and, later, when he said to her “let’s get out of here” and have some “banana splits,”  his line deliveries were much more in the vein of a creepy old guy hitting on a teenager, than of an absentee dad trying to reconnect with his daughter.  It totally grossed me out.

Later that evening, the van der Woodsens have yet another family meeting.  It turns out that Lily’s cancer is not  in remission after all.  So Papa van der Woodsen is going to have to stick around for a while.  But is Papa a Big Fat Liar?  His cryptic conversation with a shady pharmacist, at the end of the episode (not to mention next week’s promos), seem to suggest that he is . . .

The Tale of the Relationship Fatwa . . .

Poor Blair!  Recently single and in complete denial of her breakup pain, all she wanted to do was have a hot revenge makeout session with an eligible bachelor.  But EEVVILL Chuck had other plans for her.  When Blair arranges a party with a dozen eligible bachelors from the Upper East Side, not one of them shows up.  Blair knows the reason instantly.  “You put a Relationship Fatwa on me,” she whines to Chuck.

“I did NOT put a Relationship Fatwa on you,” argues Chuck.  “It’s just that no one can measure up to what we had, and I’m not the only one who knows it.” 

(For what it’s worth, I kind of liked the “no one can measure up” line.  I thought it was kind of sweet in a D-bag Chuck way.  But, apparently, he’s used it in past breakups with Blair.  Because when I searched for the quote on Google to try and nail down his exact phasing, I found the same words in recaps for other episodes.  Way to be original, Gossip Girl!)

Anyway, recycled lines aside, Chuck was LYING!  He totally put a Relationship Fatwa on Blair!  He confirms this when he learns Blair is heading to a party in Brooklyn (the same one Jenny and Nate attended). Chuck immediately decides to go to the party, in order to extend the Fatwa across all Five Borroughs! 

At the Brooklyn party, Blair flirts with a student from Columbia (which, if I recall, is where Blair now goes to school, although they seemed to brush over that fact during this episode.  Wouldn’t it have made sense for her to tell this boy that she recently transferred to his college?).  The Ivy League Co-ed is clearly smarter than he looks, because he immediately picks up on all of the glares Blair is throwing in Chuck’s direction.  He tells Blair that he is more than willing to play along, and make out with her, to make Chuck jealous.  But Blair declines.

Huh?

As Blair explains to Chuck at the end of the episode, she needs to properly grieve over the loss of their relationship, before she can make out with random dudes.  “When I kiss another boy, I want it to be for Me,” she explains.  (Boo, hiss Blair!  Don’t you know, you aren’t supposed to be the mature one on this show?  What happened to the bratty, whining, scheming, and 12-year old acting Blair of yesteryear?)

I’ll miss you, Mean Girl!

In Other News . . .

Gossip Girl‘s most boring couple got only slightly more interesting this week, when they both screwed one another over.  You see, apparently, NYU — where, in real life, approximately 20,000 undergraduates are matriculating at any given time — in GG world, has the WORLD’S SMALLEST WRITING PROGRAM EVER – one that only admits ONE PERSON every year.   Riiiight!  Talk about a poorly constructed plot device.  And yet, if it drives a wedge in the middle of this snoozy couple, I say, “Bring it on!”

Anyway, Sleazy Liar Vanessa decided to apply to the program AGAINST Dan, and NOT TELL HIM she was doing it.  And even though the character has NEVER EVER shown ANY interest in writing AT ALL!  She gets in over him.  When Dan finds out, he initially tries to be supportive.  But I’ve faked happy for a friend I was jealous of before, and I know what it looks like . . .

Yup . . . that’s what it looks like.

Fortunately for Dan, the daughter of the Dean of Admissions at Tisch REALLY wants to get in his pants.  So when Dan lets it slip to HER that Vanessa’s application piece might not have been entirely original (He thinks she based it on a short story Dan once wrote), the ho-bag quickly runs to rat Vanessa out to Daddy.  The only problem is . . . Vanessa DID submit an original story, one based on her relationship with Dan (that must have been ONE BORING ASS STORY!)  So, of course, Vanessa finds out what Dan did, and she is PISSED!

Well, that’s all folks!  Tune in next week, when we will most definitely get to see a lot more of this Creepo . . .

 . . .Tighten up that chastity belt, Serena.  You’re gonna need it!

XOXO!

 

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