Tag Archives: Brienne of Tarth

The Lazy Recapper Returns Part 1 – A Look at Sunday Night in Sweeps Week Television

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So you know how bears, gorge themselves on food in the weeks leading up to winter hibernation, so that they can sleep through Christmas, fat and happy, without having to worry about being woken up by those pesky hunger pains?

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That’s kind of how I feel during May Sweeps, a.k.a. The Month When I Watch Obscene Amounts of Television to Make Up for those Pesky Summer Months When I’m Forced to Actually Socialize With Real Humans. . .

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Of course, I understand that there are many people in this world who don’t watch nearly as much television as I do in May.  I’m just not sure what those people talk about with other people . . .

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That’s why I’ve decided to use my formidable TV Watching Powers for GOOD!

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In the next thousand or so words, I’m going to summarize for you just the important things that happened this week on Once Upon a Time, Revenge, Game of Thrones, and Mad Men.  This way, if you happen to be a Non-TV Watching Person, you will have enough information at your disposal to fake it with your friends.  Sound like a plan?

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Great!  Let’s get started . . .

Once Upon a Time  Season Finale – “And Straight on Till Morning”

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In the stunning conclusion to Season 2 of Once Upon a Time, the adorkable guy from Can’t Hardly Wait . . .

 . . . turned all Evil, and tried to blow up Storybrooke.

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If he was successful, everyone on the show would be dead except . . . Henry.

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 . . . which would pretty much make Once Upon a Time the most annoying show on the planet.  So, of course, Can’t Hardly Wait Guy had to be stopped!  Surprisingly, Evil Queen Regina was willing to die to service the cause of Less Obnoxious Television . . .

evil queen

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But Mary Margaret said, “We can’t let Evil Queen Regina be the only one who dies in service of Less Obnoxious Television!  We ALL have to do it.”

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This was noble gesture, I guess.  But it put us pretty much right back where we started, in deathly fear of the impending doom of Season 3 becoming Once Upon a Henry.

henry show

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Meanwhile, back in Flashback Land, Captain Hook showed off a softer cuddlier version of himself, when he bonded with a younger version of that Serial Killer from Season 1 of True Blood . . .

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This, of course, made me exceptionally happy.  After all, up to this point, Captain Hook was my favorite character on the show, simply because he’s sexy.  I loved him, even though he was kind of a sh*thead.  And that me feel like a Terrible Person  . . .

shallow and petty

no idea

But this week, we learned that Captain Hook isn’t really a sh*thead.  He just had a “bad childhood.”

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When Hook found out that Baelfire was the son of his mortal enemy, Rumplestiltskin, he did a really nice thing, by not immediately turning him over to that Scary Pale-Faced Lost Boy!  Hook bonded with Baelfire first . . .

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 . . . and didn’t betray him until the conclusion of the flashback.  And even then, he only did it, because the kid said something particularly douchey to him . . .

change for you

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douchebag jar misomeru

In the end, Regina and Emma combined forces (in a particularly sexually suggestive way, I might add) to stop Apocalypse Henry Show from occurring . . .

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STORYBROOKE WAS SAVED!  Even better, news . . . Can’t Hardly Wait Guy kidnapped Henry!  So, what seemed like it was going to be the Only Henry Show, now had the potential to become the Everything But Henry Show . . .

take henry

clap for bonus

But then the Storybrooke Gang found out that Can’t Hardly Wait Guy was working for the most nefarious villain of all time . . . Peter Pan?

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Peter Pan is EVIL?  The guy who gets off on coming into kids homes in the middle of the night, and taking them from their families, hangs out with Lost Boys, and refuses to grow up, even though he’s probably SUPER OLD, by now?  Next you’re going to tell me Santa Claus isn’t real . . .

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Having successfully crushed my childhood dreams of Peter Pan as a “cool dude crushing on Wendy,” the Storybrooke crew decides it has to travel to Neverland to save Annoying Henry.  And guess who decided to help?

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Also . . .  This Guy . . .

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 . . . a.k.a. Hook’s Mortal Enemy, Rumplestiltskin.  Now, that’s going to make for some awkward dinner table conversation . . .

Also on Sunday night . . .

Revenge Season Finale – “Truth” – Parts 1 and 2

This season’s two part Revenge Finale was entitled “Truth.”  But, personally, I think it should have been called, “Those Bastards.”  As in . . .

They killed Declan Porter, a.k.a. Charlotte’s future Baby Daddy . . . THOSE BASTARDS!

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Conrad Grayson colluded with the Initiative (a collective of 1%er terrorists, who capitalize on human tragedy for their own personal financial gain) to blow up his own company, just so he could become EVEN richer . . . THAT BASTARD!

conrad

The Initiative tried to frame Aiden Mathis for blowing up Grayson Global, but ended up framing Nolan Ross instead . . . THOSE BASTARDS!

kick his ass

Aiden Mathis killed that Mr. Miyagi guy, Takeda, and tried to cover it up, so he could keep schtupping Emily/Amanda . . . THAT BASTARD!

mr miyagi guy

Aiden wanted Emily to run away with her, and stop Reveng-ing.  But, ultimately, he let her go, because he believes she loves Jack more.

no one deserved

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This is true, even though Jack’s been kind of sh*tty to Emily/Amanda lately.   And that makes Jack kind of a . . . wait for it. . .  BASTARD.

Daniel Grayson may have killed Aiden, and then showed up to his father’s inaugural thingy, wearing a shirt covered in the dead guy’s blood, like it was no big deal . . . THAT BASTARD!

grayson

Emily finally revealed her true identity to Jack, just as he was going to kill Conrad Grayson.  (That doesn’t really make her a bastard.  I just wanted to share the moment with you, and couldn’t think of another way to fit it in.)

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And finally, Victoria’s long lost son showed up at her doorstep.  He’s literally a Bastard  . . . not that there’s anything wrong with that . . .

help you

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Game of Thrones – “The Bear and the Maiden Fair”

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Many things happened this week on Game of Thrones, but only three stand out in my memory.  First, the guy who used to play Simon on Skins . . .

simon misfits

 . . . continued to torture Theon Greyjoy . . .

kind of a dick

 . . . by taunting him with two hot prostitutes, and then CUTTING OFF HIS WEINER, before he got a chance to enjoy them . . .

wanker

Now, that takes balls . . . which Poor Theon no longer has . . .

Also, this week on Game of Thrones, Daenerys Targeryen, Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains and Kicker of Asses, threatened to torch yet another city, if it didn’t free all its slaves ASAP . . .

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 . . .  She’s kind of like a hot female version of Abe Lincoln, you know?

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But most important, to me anyway, was the moment when Jamie Lannister, formerly known as The Guy Who Pushes Little Boys Out Ten-Story Windows So that He Can Continue To Have Sex with his Sister . . .

things i do

 . . . won my heart.  First, he tearfully promised his reluctant companion-turned-obvious soulmate, the adorably awkward Brienne of Tarth that he would return the Stark girls to their mother,  to defend his lady’s honor.

goodbye ser jamie

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Then, as if that wasn’t enough,Jamie returns to Harrenhal, just in time to jump into a deep pit, and SAVE BRIENNE FROM A BEAR!

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Honestly, all I want from a guy is for him to jump into a pit and save me from a wild rabid beast, determined to eat off my face.  Is that too much to ask?

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And last, but certainly not least .. .

Mad Men – “Man with a Plan”

This week’s episode was called “Man with a Plan,” but it should have been called “Don Draper is a Douchebag.”

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You know you’re a seriously bad dude when you can’t even be nice to THE WOMAN YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE WITH!

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Fearing that the merger of SCDP and CDG, which he orchestrated, would cause him to lose his Big Boy Pants at the office, Don went all 50 Shades of Pathetic, on his neighbor / mistress, Lindsey Weir from Freaks and Geeks, by making her kneel on the ground before him and tie his shoes, forcing her to stay in bed while he worked, and telling her that she “wasn’t allowed to think.”

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But the last straw really came about, when Don had the nerve to STEAL LINDSEY’S BOOK!  No one comes between a girl and her book. . .  NO ONE!

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This heinous action caused Lindsey to awaken from the dream that she was dating Hot Mysteriously Broody Don from Seasons 1 and 2, and realize that she was actually dating, Self-Destructive, Alcoholic, Not-Quite-as-Hot, Loser Don from Season 6.  . .

all this is a dream

So, Lindsey kicked Don to the curb, rejoined the Mathletes, and all, once again, became right in the world. . .

bye affair

Unfortunately, however, Don’s reign of terror wasn’t over yet.  He later took his wrath out on his new partner, Ted Chaough, by getting the latter wasted at the office, so that he would embarrass himself in front of his employees . . .

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But ultimately, Ted got the last laugh, when he took a land loving, queasy Don Draper, up in a bi-plane during a rain storm, JUST BECAUSE HE COULD!

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Pretty bad ass for a nerd . . . don’t ya think?

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Elsewhere in the office, the rest of the gang at SCDP was getting adjusted to their new office digs, where some employees received warmer welcomes than others . . .

glad youre here

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Also this week on Mad Men, poor Joan Holloway had a bit of a health scare of the ovarian cyst variety.   Fortunately, that Adorable Ass Kiss Bob Benson was there to rescue her.  Not only did he personally escort her to the hospital, and get her in to see the doctor, right away, by claiming she accidentally swallowed furniture polish . . .

no place to go

 . . . he even stopped by her home later on in the evening to check on her, and bring her baby boy the adorably age inappropriate gift of a football!

i like balls stoner kol

Hey, I know you guys all don’t trust this guy.  You think he’s a mole from a rival agency, or an FBI G-Man out to investigate the ad guy formally known as Dick Whitman, or a homeless man, or a homicidal maniac out to murder Joan and then eat her face off with a pair of chopsticks.  But I LIKE Bob Benson, dammit!  And until I learn otherwise, I’m just going to assume he’s a polite attractive, well-dressed, gentleman, who really, really, REALLY loves his coffee . . .

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And there you have it folks, four hours of television in under 1800 words.  Next up, the Lazy Recapper covers Tuesday Night’s Fox Finale Comedy Hour of New Girl and The Mindy Project.  See ya then!

freeze frame ktsalvatore

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Baptism – A Recap of Game of Thrones’ “Kissed by Fire”

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Birth.  It is a new beginning . . . a fresh start . . . a clean slate . . . a single, hopeful, spot on the blank canvas of life.  When we are born, each and every one of us is pure and perfect apart from the whole poopy diaper thing.  It’s a state of being that occurs just once in our lifetime.

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Rebirth, on the other hand is messier, and happens many times, throughout the course of a human life.  In a sense, we are reborn, each time we have children, marry, begin a new job, move to a new place, start a new school year, awaken in the morning.  The reborn are smudged, impure, and imperfect, baring within them the scars and blemishes of lives past.  But also they are endlessly hopeful, that this time, finally, they will get it right . . .

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“Kissed by Fire,” this week’s wet and wild episode of Game of Thrones, was all about baptism.  Each of the show’s characters experienced a sort of rebirth, during the course of the hour, whether it be through a soul cleansing confession, the loss of one’s virginity, or a literal rising from the dead.  Oh yeah, and we also got to see a lot of naked butts.

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Let’s review, shall we?

Way to Go, Jon Snow!

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It seems Littlefinger’s Male Escort Service has another promising candidate in its midst.    A few week’s back, if you recall, Podrick had his menage-a-TERRIFIC with the lovely ladies of the Lannister castle.

ladies enjoy

And this week, Jon Snow showed admirable prowess with respect to “kissing.” It seems that virgin lotharios are becoming about as common in Westeros as . . . well . . . decapitated corpses.

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Perhaps, there is something in the water?

Anywhoo, after a tense moment between Jon and his fellow Wildings — during which he was asked to expose, not only his former Knight Watch Brother’s various whereabouts, but also how many of them are in each location — Ygritte decided to distract her former-captive-turned-love-interest with an old-fashioned game of Phallic Item Keep Away.

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The pair take turns stroking Jon Snow’s sword a bit, when they realize that they have “inadvertently” stumbled upon a little love nest, complete with its very own waterfall!  Welcome to the sex scene setting for Every Romance Novel Ever Written . . .

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Never one to be known for her subtlety, Ygritte gets naked faster than you can say, her trademark catchphrase: “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”

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And then she says it . . . because Jon tries to get laid with his clothes on!  Silly boy (those animal furs are mighty hard to penetrate)!  Had they used those kind of prophylactic measures, the wildings would have gone extinct years ago!

Jon Snow may know nothing about the joys of unprotected sex.  But he sure is a pro at making his lips speak a language that only ladies can understand, if you catch my drift.

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From the looks of it, Ygritte is clearly impressed by Jon Snow’s “multilingual talents.”  She wonders where he’s learned this impressive pet trick, especially considering the fact that, with the exception of his mother and MUCH younger “stepsisters,” he’s spent predominately all of his young life in the company of exclusively men.  “I just wanted to kiss you there,” Jon Snow demurs (Because, clearly, someone has smuggled the DVD version of Cruel Intentions into the Wildings tents.

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Next thing you know, Snow will be whipping Ygritte up a batch of that “Special Tea from Long Island.”)

Then again, Ygritte doesn’t seem like the kind of woman who requires liquid encouragement to play the Game of Bones, where everybody is a winner, and uniforms are optional.  I mean, this girl wasn’t “kissed by fire,” for nothing.  Now, come on ladies, you didn’t think a cable channel like HBO would hire an actor like Kit Harington, and NOT separate him from his direwolf wear at least once, do you?  It’s time for these two crazy Wildings to get wild!

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After its all over, Snow adorably admits to his heretofore virginal status, while Ygritte cops to having a bit more . . . OK . . . a lot more experience.

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Now, before you judge little Ygritte, please consider the fact that she spends most of her time in a hut with a bunch of barbarians, and . . . well . . . not much else.  (No HBO for her!)  I mean, there’s only so many times you can watch that kooky guy “commune with crows,” and make snow angels admits the dead horses.  A girl’s gotta keep herself entertained!

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Ygritte tries to defuse an awkward situation, by reminding Jon Snow that he probably hasn’t bathed since his baptism.  And the two go for a swim.  It’s a quietly sweet romantic moment, that almost seems out of place on a show where everyone always seems to be in the process of being burned alive, bludgeoned, or having their appendages chopped off . . .

In other “adult-oriented” news . . .

Loose Lips Sink Loras

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Loras Tyrell.  This is a character whose three claims to fame are, in no particular order: (1) being the secret lover of the best looking Dead Baratheon Brother . . .

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(2) expertly impersonating the Best Looking Dead Baratheon Brother on the battlefield . . . and

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(3) being the only guy in Westeros with a perm?

Now, we can add Egregious Over-Sharer During Post Coital Cuddles to that list!  Like Ygritte before him, one of Loras’ trusty man servants (a Macauley Culkin-looking guy we haven’t seen up to this point, and may never see again), deftly equates swordplay with foreplay, as he suggestively fondles Loras’ man bits, while offering to “serve him.”  Thanks to Renly’s fine tutelage, Loras at least knew enough to take his clothes off, before all this “serving” began.

please you

But, while Jon Snow tends to be more of the strong and silent type, Loras is a real Chatty Cathy in the sack.  And it isn’t long before he spills the beans to Macauley Guy about his future nuptials to Sansa Stark.  Macauley Guy promptly shares this news with Littlefinger, as he was undoubtedly paid to do.  (See?  I was totally right about Littlefinger’s burgeoning male escort business.)

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Off With His Head . . .

Cute kids and pets are two species I never want murdered on my TV screen.  So when that Karstark guy and his men killed those seemingly innocent little Lannister captures in their bed chambers, to avenge his own son’s demise, I was all for Robb Stark chopping his head off.

I felt this way, even though I recognized that, politically, this was a terrible decision . . . one that only served to further alienate the King of the North from the few families that offered him their allegiance.   I also got the impression that the public decapitation (which Robb honorably performed himself, as Papa Ned taught him to do) had more to do with Robb’s wounded pride, over being directly disobeyed than any sense of empathy or fondness he had for these young murdered children.

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And, of course, anyone whose ever read Shakespeare knows that being cursed by a dying guy, who lost his life as a result of a Family Feud is very bad luck indeed   . . .

plague on houses

I suggest you sleep with one eye open Robb Stark.

Speaking of one eye . . .

The Many Lives of Beric Dondarrion

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Arya loses her religion (not that she was ever particularly religious to begin with), when the Hound wins his Trial by Battle, despite the fact that he was TOTALLY guilty of killing Arya’s childhood friend.

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So, you can imagine her surprise, when the seemingly dead Beric Dondarrion, pops up, after being slain in battle, as if he was merely taking a nap.  Beric admits to Arya that prayers to the “Lord of Light” have “woken” him from the dead, no less than six times.  He’s like Kenny from South Park, only with a cool eye patch in place of the orange hoodie.

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Arya hopefully requests that the Lord of Light re-attach her departed father’s head to his body.  But Beric isn’t sure it works that way . . .

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Poor Arya, let down by the Lord of Light twice in one night.  And she’s about to be let down, once again.  The following morning she learns that her pal Gendry will not be traveling on with her back to the Starks.  Rather, like Hot Pie before him, he will be sticking around with the crews previous captors.  Gendry likes the camaraderie and democratic style  of the Brotherhood without Banners.  He hopes they could provide him with the family this bastard son of Robert Baratheon never had.

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Arya hopes her good friend will reconsider.  And offers him an alternative suggestion.

be your family

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Sweet, Gendry.  But it doesn’t really make up for the fact that you are leaving “your lady” alone with One Eye Guy, and trusting that he’ll bring her to her family, like he promised.  Unfortunately, few people ever seem to do what they promise, where Arya is concerned.  That’s why her list of “People to Kill” grows with each episode . . .

people to kill

That said, I love the dynamic between Arya and Gendry, and hope they get the opportunity to reconnect, later in the series.

Why Everyone Should Name Their Kid Grey Worm . . .

It’s been a pretty busy day for everyone’s favorite Dragon Mommy.  She laid siege to a city, garnered an entire army, and freed a population of slaves, all in the span of about 15 minutes!  Way to make the rest of us feel lazy, Dany!

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In this week’s episode, we see Dany trying her hand at politics, when she asks her new army of unsullied to democratically select amongst themselves, who they wish to have as their general.  And I gotta say, those unsullied have damn good taste!  The guy they choose is pretty hot . . . not that being hot necessarily translates to being a good army general.  But it certainly can’t hurt.

grey worm

Dany is horrified and saddened to learn that her new army general, like the rest of the unsullied, has been forced to take a name whose purpose is to dehumanize and degrade him.  Greyworm . . . it sounds like one of those weird names celebrities choose for their kids.

So, Dany encourages all the now-free unsullied to choose their OWN names.  Pretty cool right?

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Except that Grey Worm ultimately chooses . . . “Greyworm.”  In his defense, his explanation for choosing such an awful name is pretty awesome.

lucky name

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Awww!  That’s sweet.  Now, I wanna be named Grey Worm!  From now on, please consider this website Grey Worm Recappers Anonymous!

It All Comes Out in the Wash . . .

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Rub, a dub, dub . . . Jamie Lannister and Brienne are sharing a tub!

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Even though he’s down a hand, and looks like his body hasn’t touched water in days, Jamie’s still packing heat where it counts, if you catch my drift.  And as a result, he is not the least bit shy about showing his wares to the androgynous Brienne.  If Game of Thrones was a romantic comedy or sitcom, these two would be that couple that started out despising one another, and ended up humping like bunnies . . .

brienne and jamie

Take for example, this scene, during which Jamie teases Brienne about her inability to bring him back to the Lannister’s in “one piece.”  The joking accusation enrages Brienne so much that she forgets her nudity, and rises from the tub in all her bare bummed splendor.  Briennes taking of offense to Jamie’s joke, softens him.  He admits to her that he trusts her and is tired of fighting.

trust truce

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That admission ultimately leads to an even larger one.  In a remarkably well acted and poignant speech, Jamie tells Brienne the story of how he got the name Kingslayer.  As it turns out, Jamie broke his oath as a knight and killed the king, not for power or any other lofty purposes, but rather because the Mad King wanted to lay siege to his entire city, and asked that Jamie murder his own father.

Overtaken with the emotion of his confession, Jamie faints, causing Brienne to rush forward and clutch him in her arms, like a concerned lover.  She shouts his name out, in a cry for help.

faint pull

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“The Kingslayer.”

But Jamie corrects her . . .

name is jamie

Hooked on Phonics, Worked for Davos . . .

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cant read good

So, apparently Stannis Grumpy Pants has a daughter, who despite some facial scarring, is way cooler and perkier, than anyone sharing genes with Stannis has any right to be.  (Maybe she gets it from her mother.)  Despite being told that Stannis’ former right-hand man Davos is a traitor to the cause, she sneaks off to visit the man, who she considers a dear friend.  She brings him books to read during his incarceration.  And when Davos admits he is unable to read them.  She offers to teach him herself.

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All together now.  “Awwwww . . .”

The World’s First Test Tube Babies?

You know what’s not “Awwww?”  Dead babies in bottles of green gunk.

BabyScared

Remember I said that Stannis’ wife must be a nice lady to have such a sweet daughter.  Well, nice she may be, but she sure is looney tunes.  Apparently, Mrs. Baratheon has been having some difficulty conceiving Stannis a strapping male heir.   And you know what they say, if at first you don’t succeed, store the evidence of your mistakes in a jar in your basement . . .

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Stannis pops by his wife’s Dead Baby Museum, feeling a whole lot of guilt about schtupping the red-headed Melissandre, while wifey was sitting home staring at baby food jars  . . .

But Mother of Test Tube Babies says it’s TOTALLY COOL that Stannis is boinking Melissandre.  After all, she’s down with the “Lord of the Light,” and has the capacity to make male babies, something Mrs. Baratheon might never be able to do . . .

Tsk, tsk Mrs. Baratheon, you’ve just pushed the woman’s movement back to the Middle Ages.  Then again, since that’s when this story takes place, I guess that’s not so bad . . .

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Last but not least . . .

The Millionaire Matchmaker

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Oh, Tywin Lannister!  Your douchebaggery knows no bounds.  In the final moments of this week’s Game of Thrones, Tywin orchestrated marriages for not one but TWO of his children, both of whom are well in their thirties.  .

tyrion accept my proposal

For the past few week’s Sansa Stark has been the topic of everyone’s conversation over in Lannister Land.  She’s young, she’s pretty.  And despite her father’s recently headless status, she seems to be the key to gain the favor of the North, a necessary step to achieving the Iron Throne.

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And just when it seemed like Sansa would end up either married to Big Gay Loras, or whisked away to points unknown with the sly and slimy Littlefinger, Tywin introduces a surprise third option.  Sansa Stark will marry .  . . Tyrion?

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The Lannister clan’s most petite member is horrified on Sansa’s behalf.  He argues that being saddled with yet another Lannister, after that evil wretch Joffrey murdered her father, and brutally abused her, would be a terrible punishment for the innocent maiden.  Plus . . .. welll . . . dude’s kind of old enough to be her dad.

tyrion

Cersei, of course, thinks this is hilarious, since her brother’s misfortune is always her greatest joy.

suspicious cers

But it’s ultimately Tyrion who gets the last laugh. Because Tywin has a marriage in mind for Cersei too.  Loras Tyrell!

laughing dan

Now, under normal circumstances, this wouldn’t seem like such a bad deal.  I mean, apart from the bad perm, Loras is pretty adorable.  (Though, I suspect the whole “making babies with ladies” thing, is not really up his alley.)  But, lest we forget, Cersei’s heart belongs to another . . . her brother.

jaime-nice

And the thought of marrying yet another person, who is not a blood relation, horrifies Cersei to her core.  Ahh, parting with incestuous love is such great sorrow . . .

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See ya next week, Westeros!

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She’s a Killer Queen – A She-cap of Game of Thrones “And Now His Watch Has Ended”

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Considering that the show is (1) fantasy (i.e. a notoriously male-centric genre) . . .

Smeagol

“My precious . . . peni$”

(2) takes place in the Middle Ages (a time when women were treated no better than the chamber pots they had to pee in); and

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(3) it’s based on a book series written by a guy who looks like a plus-sized version of Gandalf from Lord of the Rings . . .

george rr

age may

. . . the fact that Game of Thrones is so emblematic of female empowerment is pretty darn remarkable!

tyrion

I mean, sure, the critically acclaimed HBO series definitely has its share of dirty-faced, grunting, sword-wielding, strong men, and power-hungry, Iron-Throne squatting, politicians.

throne mine

Yet, it’s also jam-packed with a bevy of exceptionally strong female characters, each of whom derive their strength from distinctly unique sources.  And, perhaps, no single episode of the series better exemplifies this than Sunday night’s epic hour, appropriately entitled “And Now His Watch Has Ended.”  Whether it be with  a strong moral code like Brienne, courage like Arya,  wit and cunning like Lady Olenna, charm like Margaery, resilience like Sansa, or a fire breathing, ass-kicking dragon like Daenerys, the women of Westeros were the clear winners of the Battle of the Sexes in this week’s Game of Thrones.

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Let’s review, shall we?

The Tell-tale Feather Bed

For a sex-free episode, “And Now His Watch Has Ended” sure did feature a lot of Weiner Talk . . . starting with Don Juan Podrick.  It appears the Lannister household is still scratching its head as to how the tubby, awkward, and heretofore virginal teen ended up being such a Lion in the sack that not a single Lady of the Night was willing to charge him for their services.

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damon eternal stud

It’s always the quiet ones, isn’t it?

To be honest, apart from comic relief, I’m not really sure where the writers are going with this storyline relating to Podrick’s prowess.  It definitely wasn’t in the books.  Perhaps, BIG POD will inspire Littlefinger to expand his “little side business” to include the Very First Male Escort Service . . . a sort of Magic Mike: Westeros Edition.

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In other Weiner News, we finally learned the horrible story as to how Varys, a.k.a. the Spider lost his.  Turns out some crack magician chopped it off to use in some spell / magic trick. You know, kind of like pulling a rabbit out of a hat .  . . except, without the rabbit.  But it turns out, the last laugh was for Spider, who keeps the magician in a box underneath his bed, where he pokes him with a stick every once in a while, just for sh*ts and giggles.  Talk about having skeletons in your closet . . .

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Speaking of skeletons in closets, Ros clues Spider in to one about Littlefinger that may prove to be quite valuable indeed to the intrepid Eunuch.  (Ros actually reminds me a bit of Joan from Mad Men, in that she seems to know everything about everybody, and is clearly much smarter than anyone will give her credit for being.)

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As it turns out, Littlefinger will not be taking his Fantastic Voyage to wed Lady Arryn alone.  He’s ordered a second feather bed for his ship.  This means that either Littlefinger is planning on spiriting young Sansa Stark away with him, or . . . he just really likes feather beds . . .

Presuming the former, Spiderman pays a visit to the positively hilarious (and not just because she wears a funny hat) Lady Olenna.

After “charming” Spider with an obligatory “You have no balls” joke . . .

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. . . Lady Olenna gets right down to “brass tacks,” as the saying goes.  “How can YOU help me, Strange Bald Man?” She wonders.

He then tells her what he knows.  And so it was decided.  The “not particularly-interesting-but-has-an-interesting-life” Sansa Stark will marry into the Tyrell family.

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Upon hearing the news from Margaery Tyrell later that day, Sansa nearly weeps with joy.  So, what if Loras Tyrell is obviously gay.  So what if she’ll never be Queen.  Sansa has had a more hellish childhood than most could have dreamed.  She watched her father be beheaded, and labeled as a traitor.  She was tormented by her sociopath would-be husband.  She was given the title of Queen, only to have it ripped from her fingertips.  And Sansa endured all of it quietly and bravely.

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She may not be outspoken and hard-edged like her younger sister, or charmingly cunning like Margaery Tyrell.  But Sansa Stark is a survivor.  And if my money is on any of these women to make it out of this series alive, it’s her . . .

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The Bravest Among Us

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You would think that one of the few benefits of having an ugly mug like Hounds would be that you’d never have to worry about being mistaken for somebody else.  And yet, that’s exactly what happens to the not-so-gentle giant, who gets captured by the Brothers without Banners and charged with his brother’s crimes.  When the Hound patiently points out the Banner Boys honest mistake, they are about to let him go, with a pat on the back and an apology.  But then Arya reminds Hound that he IS in fact the TRUE murderer of her young friend the Miller’s son, who he killed, back in Season 1.

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BAD DOG!

Sentenced to a Trial By Combat, the Hound snickeringly wonders whether Arya will be the one to fight him.  “Is a girl the bravest among you?” She asks.

“She may be,” admits the leader of the Brothers without Banners.  “But you will be fighting me.”

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RUH-ROH Hound! Maybe next time you’ll think twice before murdering Arya’s buddies . . .

Wrapped Around her Little Finger (Not to be confused with Littlefinger . . .)

There’s something both captivating and creepy about scenes between Joffrey and Margaery.  On one hand, it’s extremely satisfying to see the mostly unfeeling, and clearly sociopathic, Joffrey in such a vulnerable position.

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Margaery is manipulating him expertly.  And Joffrey is just blindly following her every whim, like an obedient puppy dog.

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On the other hand, Joffrey is so ridiculously young, that even the hint of any sort of romantic entanglement between him and the actress who plays Margaery is  a bit disturbing.

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Fortunately, I’m pretty sure romance with Joffrey is the last thing on Margaery’s mind, especially when she’s having so much fun making Joffrey look like a total tool.  Check out the look of sublime glee on Margaery’s face, when she gets Joffrey to dumbly wave to his so-called adoring populace, when it’s quite obviously Margaery herself for whom their cheering.  The arrogant douchenozzle doesn’t have a clue he’s being made the but of a joke.  And yet his mother Cersei, no stranger to the art of male manipulation herself, is all too aware of what’s going on . . .

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Don’t Cry Over Spilled Hand

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Jamie Lannister is having a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.  First he loses his hand . . . his favorite hand . . . the one with which he jerks off wields his sword.  This was the hand that famously slew the Mad King.  Then, he gets beaten up repeatedly by his captors, falls off his horse, and literally spends a good portion of the episode with his face stuffed in what looks like mud, but might very well be poo . . .

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To make matters worse, Jamie can no longer applaud for himself!

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No wonder he’s depressed!  No wonder he’s seemingly lost his appetite, and his will to live.  But Brienne of Tarth is not about to let our anti-hero give up hope.  Not when he has just performed the surprisingly chivalrous deed of preserving her chastity, and preventing from a massive raping . . . all by weaving a deliciously creative lie about her supposedly wealthy origins.

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Brienne gives our hero the will to live through a little bit of tough love.

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OK . . . so it’s a little bit sexist.  Odd that Brienne has to degrade her own sex to bolster the morale of her former captive.  But the sentiment, and her heart, is in the right place.  Brienne reminds Jamie that the only way to defeat ones enemies is survive them.  And the only way to deal with loss and handicap is to not allow it to define you.  These are the credos by which Brienne, herself, leads her life.   And Jamie can undoubtedly learn a lot from her . . .

Deja-Screwed

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It’s hard to feel bad for Theon Greyjoy, after he butchered and burned those two anonymous orphans, and then literally bit the hand that fed him, by burning and pillaging Winterfell, his former childhood home.  But if not necessarily redeemable, even the slimiest of villains can be pitied.  And Theon was certainly pitiable, when he admitted to his supposed friend and savior this about the late Eddard Stark . . .

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And then his so-called friend, who had only just recently rescued him from the stocks, ended up bringing him right back into captivity.  And now Theon is in stocks again . . . the same stocks.  Seems like a whole lotta work and trouble just for a cruel joke, don’t you think?

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Mutiny in the Pig Pen

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Samwell Tarly is a bit like the Pillsbury Doughboy . . .

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He’s just so adorably clueless, you can’t help but want to pinch his cheeks and poke his belly . . . especially when he tries to give the girl he likes a thimble, despite the fact that she’s on the verge of potentially having her newborn baby sacrificed to those zombie thingies outside her tent, and is in no mood for Doughboy Romance.

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Things haven’t been going all that well for Tarly and the Nights Watch, ever since the White Walkers ravaged their crew. And they ended up holed up with that douchebag Craester and his 50 or so daughter/ wives, mucking pig poop from pens.

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That is until one of them stages a mutiny, and all hell breaks loose . . .  Samwell, of course, is smart enough to know when to stay out of a fight he can’t win.  And when his fellow Night’s Watchmen start stabbing the crap out of Craester and his men, the Doughboy wisely makes a run with it, along with his new girlfriend, her baby, and, of course, his trusty thimble.  . .

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Of course, the Piece de Resistance of the episode came in it’s last few moments . . .

DRAGONS ARE NOT SLAVES!

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Last week on Game of Thrones, we saw Dany be mercilessly teased and insulted by the leader of Astapor, to whom she seemingly reluctantly offered up one of her beloved dragons, in exchange for his mighty slave army.

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So, of course, you could imagine the wanker’s surprise, when the morning of the exchange arrives, and she reveals to him that she’s spoken his language all along.  Therefore, she has been very well aware of all the crap he’s been saying about her behind her back.

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And she does give the Asshat her trusty dragon, as promised.  Of course, dragons are not so freely given . . .

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There’s an important lesson to be learned here.  When you play with fire, you end up getting burned.  When you play with dragons, you end up a Roasted Weenie . . .

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Consistently underestimated by the men around her, due to her youthful face, soft voice, and delicate looks, Daenerys showed cunning, strength, intelligence, and a generalized ability to kick ass, when she had her baby burn that mother f*&ker to the ground, while encouraging her new army to lay siege to the formerly great city of Astapor.

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But Daenerys has something many of the other battlers for the Iron Throne lack, HEART.  Not long ago, she won the loyalty and service of the Dothraki people through her undying devotion to her husband, and her miraculous ability to literally walk through fire, and come out bearing dragons on her back.  Now, Daenerys has once again earned the loyalty of a formerly enemy people.  And she’s done this by benevolently breaking the chains of their slavery, and asking them to fight at her side, based on free will alone.

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It was a bold and risky gambit she made here . . . riskier even than her actions with Dracarys, because at least she knew how her dragon would react.  Daenerys knew nothing of the men she just purchased.  For all she knew, they could have staged a mutiny and ran off to salvage their burning city.  Or worse, they could have killed her and her men.  But Daenerys believed that, by giving these men respect, and treating them as soldiers as opposed to slaves, she would win their loyalty and their strength.  And she was correct in that assumption.

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As Daenerys and her new army march into the sunset together, in the final moments of the episode, the Iron Throne seems hers for the taking.  His Watch may have ended.  But Hers is most certainly just beginning . . .

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The Week in WTF – A Look at Some of this Week’s Most Jaw Dropping TV Moments

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Greetings Couch Potatoes!  It’s been quite a week in TV Land.  Planes exploded . . . teens overdosed, graduated, flunked out, and enlisted in the army.  There were breakups, hookups, divorces, surprise pregnancies, conspiracies, embarrassing sexual encounters, blatant check fraud, and fake deaths.  Someone even joined the Hari Krishna!

So, sit back, relax, and let’s relive all the WTF . . .

Game of Thrones – “The Prince of Winterfell”

So, it turns out that, contrary to popular belief, Theon Greyjoy didn’t actually kill those two Stark boys, burn up their bodies, and hang them out to rot, outside the Gates of Winterfell.  Instead, he killed two random farmer boys, burned their bodies, and hung them out to rot, outside the Gates of Winterfell . . . which I guess is a relief . . . unless you happen to be those two farmers boys . . .

In other mistaken identity news, Cersei did not, in fact have Tyrion’s Whore beaten, like she claimed she did.  Instead, she had some OTHER whore beaten, who Tyrion had to PRETEND was his whore, to protect his real whore.  Am I sensing a pattern here?

Oh hey, it’s the Jamie Lannister and Brienne of Tarth comedy hour!

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Needless to say in the romantic comedy version of this story, Brienne and Jamie would tip over their canoe in a sexually tense fight, and would subsequently have to “get out of their wet clothes.” Then, they would fight some more, finally ending a passionate kiss, only to have some medieval object get in the way . . . like a metal face mask . . . or an inconveniently placed sword . . . Ouch.

In other news, please, for the love of all that is holy, GIVE THIS WOMAN BACK HER DRAGONS!

Mad Men – “Christmas Waltz”

So, um . . . remember This Guy . . .

 (Paul Kinsey)

Well, he’s baaack . . .  except . . . well . . . I’ll let you see for yourself . . .

See, folks, this is what happens to you, when you’re dumped by Don Draper.   You either put on a ton of weight . . .

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  . . . or you start working at the A&P, join the Hari Krishna movement, and pen bad Star Trek spec scripts with titles like “The Negron Complex.”  That hair though . . . it reminds me of someone . . .

 See, all this time, I’ve been dating Puck from Glee, I never knew he was a Hari Krishna.  You think you know a guy . . .

Meanwhile, Lane Pryce is in deep doo-doo, because he started forging company check’s to pay off his Mother Country tax debt . . .

But hey, Don Draper isn’t really Don Draper, right?  So, I guess if you’re going to forge someone’s name on a check, his is probably your best bet.  After all, he forges his name all the time.  Anyway, Lane  . . . you’re probably going to end up in jail . . . or deported . . . or you just might off yourself by the season’s end.  But hey, it could be worse.  You could be wearing this shirt . . .

In other news, Don and Megan went to a play.  Apparently, it was supposed to be about the horrors of advertising.  But to me it just looked like an extended public service announcement about why we should bring naptime back to the workplace . . .

Speaking of Megan . . . Don, the next time you plan on going out joyriding an getting wasted with Joan after work, you should strongly consider calling your wife, and letting her know you are going to be late . . . unless, of course, you enjoy eating spaghetti off your dining room wall . . .

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This, of course, brings me to my absolute favorite part of this episode . . . Don and Joan . . . Joan and Don.  This mostly platonic (but highly sexually charged) pairing is filled with so much awesomeness that no elevator, bar, or backseat of a newly purchased Jaguar could possibly contain it.

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And, perhaps, the most shocking thing of all?  They haven’t slept together . . . yet.

Girls – “The Return”

Those of you who watch “Girls” know that it is not at all uncommon for the main character, Hannah Horvath to do, say, or experience something that makes you want to go hide under your bed in cringeworthy embarrassment on her behalf.

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But regardless of how you might personally feel about Hannah, your heart really had to go out to her in this week’s episode.  I mean, no one should have to help her late-middle aged father off the bathroom floor, while he’s suffering from a sex injury, after an unfortunate incident involving doggy style in the shower with mom.  NO ONE!

“Help, I’ve fallen, and I’ve still got it up!” 

Glee – “Goodbye”

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Nineties kids and teens alike really got a kick out of this week’s Glee finale, which bid its senior class adieu by covering moderately oldies but still goodies, like the New Radicals “Get What You Give,” and “I’ll Remember,” which I mistakenly thought was “That Madonna Song from A League of Her Own” but my friend informed me was actually “That Madonna Song from With Honors.”

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(I guess I just forgot to “Remember” where the song came from.)

But I think a few weeks from now, when fans think back on this episode, less will be thinking about the music the grads sang and more about THIS . . .

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If watching Burt Hummel dance to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” on his son’s behalf doesn’t make you smile, you don’t have a soul.  I’m sorry.  There’s just no nice way of saying it . . .

In less happy news, here’s a little tip my old wise ass has for those of you folks who are currently eagerly awaiting your college acceptance letters.  DO NOT . . . I repeat . . . DO NOT decide to open your letters with your friends because you think it will be a “bonding experience.”

You know what’s not a “bonding experience?”  Anything that entails your getting heart ripped out of your chest, while having to pretend that you’re actually happy for your friend who got into the school you didn’t, while your lifelong dreams were squashed . . . like a bug lying on a football field during game time.

And yet, while it was certainly shocking that Whoopi Goldberg let Rachel “I choked” Berry into NYATA, but not Kurt (I mean, let’s face it,  no one was really all that surprised about Finn getting dumped from The Actor’s Studio, right?), that was actually not the most jaw-dropping moment of the episode.  That moment actually came much later, when Finn did the classic 8:53 p.m fake out, and decided to . . . um . . . White Fang his high school sweetheart, Rachel.  (Those of you who watch New Girl know exactly what I’m talking about.)

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That’s right.  Finn Hudson didn’t marry Rachel Berry.  And he didn’t let her postpone her acceptance to NYATA to spend another year with Finn in Lima.  Instead, he broke up with her in the car on the way to their “wedding,” shoved her on a train, while she blubbered like a baby, and announced he was enlisting in the army . . . all in under five minutes . . .

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Run Finn . . . Run!

Now, if you’ve ever read my Gleecaps before back when I actually used to write Gleecaps you probably know that I’ve never exactly been the biggest Finchel fan.  And yet, I found this whole scene surprisingly emotional, due in a large part to Lea Michele just really knocking the scene out of the park.

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So, remember that friend of mine?  The one who corrected me about the film source of that Madonna cover?  Well, this scene actually prompted a rather heated discussion between us.  I mean sure, we started off simply enough, by discussing whether Finn Hudson was built for a career in armed services, and whether we thought Cory Monteith would look hot in a buzz cut . . .

But eventually we got around to talking about the nature of Finn’s sacrifice.  Personally, I thought it was probably the most noble thing the character has done in his entire time on the show.  In fact, watching this scene was the first time I really believed Finchel might actually make it in the long haul.  Because let’s face it, had Finn let Rachel defer her dreams on his behalf, the mutual resentments that would inevitably fester between them would have inevitably eaten their relationship alive.  Now, Rachel can sow her wild oats for a little while with some hipster types, Finn can finally get a haircut that fits his face, and eventually, they both can live happily ever after . . .  EVERYBODY WINS!

My friend, on the other hand, thought Finn was a TOTAL ASS for surprise dumping Rachel in a car, and subsequently inviting all her friends and her TEACHER (?) to the train station to see her snot and cry.

To each his own, I guess . . .

And finally . . .

Revenge – “Reckoning”

Now, here is a show that’s known for its twists, turns, and that adorable bionic dog that didn’t age for 20 plus years.  (R.I.P. Sammy!)

So, when it came time for the finale, we expected drama.  We expected to see Nolan fighting for his life, and Emily rushing to rescue her only true ally . . .

Most of us probably even expected that Emily would face off against the EEEEEVVVIL White Haired Man . . . but probably wouldn’t actually kill him . . . because it’s only the show’s first season . . .

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But I don’t think any of us expected those aforementioned things to be the LEAST shocking aspects of the episode . . . only to be topped by Emily breaking off her engagement with Daniel . . .

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  . . . Emily subsequently opening her heart to Barman Jack, only to find out that her alter ego, Faux-Manda Clark, is back in town and totally pretending to be pregnant with his child . . .

And then came the last five minutes of the episode, which packed into them no less than THREE potential deaths, one awakening from the dead (Emily’s mom), a MASSIVE CONSPIRACY, and possibly the best use of Florence and the Machines song “Seven Devils” of all time!

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(You also might be “freaking dead.”)

 Don’t believe me?  See for yourself . . .

Now, personally, I don’t really think either Victoria or Charlotte Grayson actually went into that big ole Hamptons Mansion in the sky.  (Lydia’s probably a goner.  I mean, seriously, how many times do they have to almost-kill this woman, before she finally stays dead?)  But I still have to give the writers props for “going there,” and for crafting what was possibly the best five minutes of television I’ve seen all year.  And as for Season 2, all I’ve gotta say is this . . .

So, there you have it, my Week in TV WTF.  What were YOU watching?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Game of Thrones, Girls on HBO, Glee, Mad Men, Revenge

“I want to rub my face all over his face!” – The Lazy Recapper takes on Mad Men, Game of Thrones, Gossip Girl, Glee and New Girl

[Don’t worry, Fangbangers!  Your TVD-cap of “Heart of Darkness” is on its way, and will hopefully be posted sometime before midnight, E.S.T. Friday, April  20th.  I promise to make it worth the wait.  And even if it isn’t, at least all those Delena gifs will be pretty to look at!]

 

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There was plenty to love in this week’s TV lineup: smart one-liners, shocking reveals, grown men engaged in fisti-cuffs, baby scares, illicit affairs, disco-dancing cross dressers, and even some chewing gum that got caught at the VERY WRONG PLACE at the VERY WRONG TIME.  So, of course, I wanted to “rub my face” all over all of it . . .

well . . . except for maybe the chewing gum (That’s just gross).

Let’s review shall we?

Game of Thrones – “What is Dead May Never Die”

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This week on Game of Thrones, Tyrion Lannister once again illustrated his cunning and overall awesomeness, by marrying off his 10-year old niece Myrcella off to two different (both twenty years her senior) at the EXACT SAME TIME . . .

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 . . . which, in Game of Thrones-land, isn’t nearly as creepy as it sounds.  OK . . . scratch that . . it’s absolutely as creepy as it sounds.  But you can’t blame Tyrion for living during an effed-up time.  Can you?

In other Tyrion news, DUDE, dump that Shae Wench.  And dump her fast.  Trust me on this one, little guy.  I’m only looking out for you . . .

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Elsewhere in Westeros, we met Renly Baratheon’s wife, Margaery, who we learned is a real . . . umm . . . how do I put it nicely, “team player,” when it comes to carrying out the Commandment of “Honor thy Husband.”

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She’s also VERY, VERY committed to her family.  (Perhaps, too committed?  Then again, isn’t everyone on this show.)

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This week, we were also introduced to Brienne of Tarth, who just so happens to be my favorite character from the George M.M. Martin book series on which this show is based.  Brienne kicked her king’s boyfriend’s ass in a jousting match, and earned herself a spot on the Kingsguard, as her chosen reward.

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(Personally, I would have asked for money . . . or a Vegas vacation . . . but that’s just me)

Still, I admire the androgenous Brienne’s strength and moxie.  She should REALLY do something about that hair though . . .  It makes her look  like Macauley Culkin . . .

Speaking of poor fashion choices . . .

Mad Men – “Signal 30”

This week on Mad Men, Don Draper joined the ever-growing Ugly Jacket Club . . .

He took it off a few minutes later to “fix a broken sink,” but that damage had already been done.  Honestly, if I was a guy who looked like Don Draper, I’d probably never wear a shirt . . . EVER.  And a jacket?  Well, that’s as superfluous an item of clothing as this clown nose . . .

 . . . particularly if it looks like it was made from someone’s picnic blanket . . .

And yet, this episode wasn’t really about Don and his questionable wardrobe choices.  It had a lot more to do with good ole Pete Campbell.

Pete had quite the busy week this week.  For starters, he went to driving school, and crashed and burned with a perky blonde high school chicky.  Dammit!  Who’s going to take Pete to the prom now?

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Pete also got to wine and dine some British big wig from Jaguar (which Brits apparently pronounce as “Jag-oo-arrrr.”)

“Tastes like my dignity . . . “

Helpful hint, Pete.  If you have to wear a big, while you are eating it . . . it’s probably not a classy meal.  You know what else isn’t classy?  Chewing gum on your dingaling . . .

Confused?  See . . . I forgot to mention that, after eating Baby Food with Bibs Pete and Mr. Jag-oo-arr traveled  to the Best Little Whore House in Manhattan, where Pete decided to role play a little Game of Thrones.  (He was Joffrey.)

 This may have seemed like good fun at the time.  But, ultimately, it resulted in SCDP losing the Jagooar account . . . thanks to Mr. Jagooar’s decision to get horizontal with one of those girls, who always leaves their chewing gum under chairs in public places  (I HATE people like that.), and clearly mistook Mr. Jagooar’s weiner schnitzel for one of those chairs.  Oops!

This business loss positively infuriate Lane, who had brought the account to SCDP in the first place.  A few harsh words were exchanged on both sides.  And, before you know it, this often stuffed shirted Madison Avenue advertising agency, had morphed into it’s very own version of Fight Club . . . with Lane playing the role of Tyler Durden as Brad Pitt, and Pete paying the much less lucky role of Tyler Durden as Ed Norton.

 In other words, Pete got his ass handed to him, BIG TIME.

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Let that be a lesson to you, folks.  Never mess with those Nerdy British types.  Not only are they surprisingly scrappy.  But most of them have never had chewing gum placed on their hot dog.  (They were much too busy beating people up in alleyways to concern themselves with such nonsense.)

While Pete went home early to lick his wounds (or, perhaps, have his wife lick them for him) . . .

“Don’t look at me, Don.  I’m HIDEOUS!”

 . . . Lane retired to his office, where he was promptly comforted by a newly maternal Joan.  “If they tried to make you feel different than them, you are.  And that’s a good thing,” she offered supportively.  Lane responded by doing this . . .

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AWWWWK-WARD!

Well . . . at least it could have been awkward, if Joan idn’t handle the situation like a TOTAL boss.

Her face inscrutably blank, Joan quietly rose to open the door, thereby decidedly closing off the possibility for Kiss: THE SEQUEL.  But then she came right back to sit down next to Lane, silently reassuring him that this would not change their business relationship or their friendship, in the slightest.  Though I strongly suspect both parties will be looking at one another a bit differently from now on . . .

Joan even offered her “pal” Lane some parting humor.  “Plenty of people have wanted to do that to Pete Campbell,” Joan mused.

I could think of a few . . . .

In other news, Ken Cosgrove is my spirit animal, because he’s a writer with a day job.  (In fact, he’s a much better writer than I am, if the excerpt from his short story at the end of this week’s episode is any indication.  I bet he doesn’t even NEED animated gifs as a substitute for real humor . . .)

Sexy legs too . . .

You keep writing, Ken!  Don’t let The Man get you down!

Roger Sterling a.k.a. The Man 

Speaking of writers forced to use pen names to maintain their anonymity . . .

Gossip Girl – “Salon of the Dead”

This week on Gossip Girl, Serena was almost expose by Lola as the new titular GG .  . . but then he wasn’t.  Sorry, Lola!  The idea of S as Gossip Girl is apparently a tough sell.  After all, up until she graduated high school few people on the Upper East Side even knew she could read and write . . .

Lola’s brief foray into super-sleuthing Veronica Mars territory wasn’t a total  wash, however.  She did manage to accidentally reveal Diana Mc Slutty Slut as Chuck’s real bio mom . . . a real that seemed to be a “Shocking Suprise” to the good fictional folks of the UES, even though it neither shocked nor surprised anyone who actually watches Gossip Girl.

Poor Chuck!  Is there anyone on this show who hasn’t abandoned my Baby Bass?

*clears throat*

Well . . . aside from Nate, of course . . .

 Ah . . . bromance

Though Chuck’s initial reaction to this reveal was to run like heck, eventually, he did manage to sit down for an adult heart-to-heart, with Whorey van Whoreson.  Of course, it wasn’t long before mother and child were forced to grapple with the overwhelmingly ickly realization that Chuck’s mommy had been porking his best friend and roommate just inches away from where Chuck slept.  “I was planning on watching you from afar,” Diana said.

“Nate’s bed isn’t that far,” Chuck quipped.  (Well, she sure walked right into that one!)

Ahhh . . . good ole Chuck . . . always bringing the funny, even though he just foun out his mom is a slutty child molester from a video uploaded to his cell phone by a Special Guest Star, and the love of his life is dating a donut with Chia Pet hair . . .

In other much less interesting news, Blair and the Donut had the Lamest Coming Out Party ever . . . In fact, it was soooo bad, they both had to leave at the same time “to get ice.”  (You know a party is crap, when the hosts can’t even wait to leave it.)  To make matters worse, the Happy Couple, couldn’t even be bothered to invite their REAL friends, the Non-Judging Breakfast club to their party.  Of course, the crew ended up crashing anyway.  But it didn’t save the lameness of the event . . . or this increasingly sour storyline . . .

You know what might have saved this party though . . . some dancing . . .maybe even a little disco dancing.

Glee – “Saturday Night Gleever”

The few of you out there, who used to read my Gleecaps know that the show and I haven’t exactly been speaking terms lately.  And yet, each week, I always manage to find some aspect of the episode that I love.  This week my heart went out to a sassy cross dresser named Unique, and her Boogie, Boogie Shoes . . .

Also, Lord Tubbington made an appearance . . . the fat cat, who to this day, remains my favorite Glee character of all time.  I mean, just look at how talented this cat is!  And how many cats do YOU know who can actually say they were in a sex tape . . .

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Speaking of sex tapes, Brittany might not always show her love for Santana in the best ways, but you have to know that her and Santana’s road to slutty stardom was paved with excellent intentions.  And when you think about it, Brittany’s right.  Having a sex tape, and going on weird reality shows is the most surefire way to become famous these days.  Just ask the Kardashians .  . .

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I also love that Brittany came up with the idea to apply Santana for a cheerleading college scholarship, though I suspect it was actually Sue who penned the application, and possibly wrote the essay too.  After all, it would take a VERY liberal, liberal arts college to accept a higher education application that was written in crayon, and featured a hand-drawn picture of Lord Tubbington on the bottom . . .

It would be easy to write Brittany off as “just another stereotypical dumb blonde.”  And yet, the character can be surprisingly astute sometimes, especially when it comes to Santana.  Perhaps, a more accurate way to describe Brittany would be “childlike.”  Speaking of children . . .

New Girl – “Kids”

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Ahhh, if it isn’t the “my period is late, and now I have to reevaluate my life priorities” Baby Scare Storyline.  We’ve all seen it about a million times before.  And yet, there really is no fake baby like a Fake Schmidt Baby, who requires his very own Douche Baby Jar.

But Cece isn’t the only cast member contemplating her ablity to be a mom.  Jess too is forced to take on the role of the Dreaded Adult, when she is asked to babysit Russell’s 11-year old Sarah.  But Sarah isn’t just your ordinary, garden variety 11-year old. In fact, she just so happens to share the collective brain of every Nick fangirl who watches this show.

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That’s right New Girlian’s!  Sarah thinks Nick is SUPER HOT . . . even though his eyes look “like poop.”

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Truth be told, she would very much like to “rub [her] face all over his face” (but not all over his eyes . . . you know, because of the whole “poop” thing).  Sarah’s episode-long love for Nick is great for the show, for a few reasons.  For starters, she gets Jess to admit that Nick is hot, “in a rumpled, small town PI-kind of way.”

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Sarah also seems to singlehandedly break Nick of his already three-or-four episode long habit of dating college girls, by inadvertently showing him JUST how much younger than him they actually are.  (Hint: His current date used to ride the school bus with Sarah.)

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But, best of all, Sarah’s little temper tantrum, get’s Nick and Jess to sit on the floor together,  outside their bedroom door, stare dreamily into one another’s eyes,  and each confess to Sarah why they are both so terrible for OTHER people to date, while, at the same time, proving just how perfect they are for ONE ANOTHER to date.

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So, hooray for Sarah.  But I still can’t figure out how she was spawned from these two .  . .

I mean, red-headedness is supposed to be a recessive trait, right?

Oh, and, just in case you were curious, Cece and Schmidt aren’t pregnant.  So, there little “caramel miracle-to be” may have to wait another season.

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Better luck next time, Future Schmidt Baby!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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