Welcome back, Fangbangers! This week on TVD, we got a chance to meet BAAAAAD Elena. For those who are confused, BAAAAD Elena is actually not all that different from Good Elena. She just wears less clothes, and eats more people! (After all, perpetual nudity does cause one to work up an appetite . . . or so I’ve heard.)
Also, in this episode, Klaus, the thousand-year old vampire drawer of ponies, ugly snowflakes, and random shapeless mounds of what look like poop “artist” extraordinaire, FINALLY GOT LAID, thus making him a hero for geriatrics everywhere!
OK, so, it may not have been the most eventful TVD episode ever (or the second most, or even the eighth most). But I guess after the doom and gloom of “Stand by Me,” the writers thought we were in need of something a little lighter . . . like a cheerleading competition!
So, tighten up that high ponytail, puff up your pom-poms, and, for heaven sakes, leave that blue hair ribbon at home, because it’s time to “BRING IT ON!”
[As always, special thanks to Andre for the kickass screencaps. This may be the first time, in a long time that he’s liked an episode more than I did. Go figure!]
Drive-Thru Fast Food
She may be emotion free, and have terrible manners.
But our Bad Elena is an incredible little student. Look how effortlessly she perfected the Katherine and Damon method of Roadside Dine n’ Dash!
One small problem, of course. For an undead girl, Bad Elena makes for a very unconvincing corpse. At least Katherine and Damon bloodied their faces and went easy on the guyliner, for their “Monthly Street Lie-In.” Not only was Bad Elena’s makeup flawless, her outfit unwrinkled, and her hair un-mussed, on her Roadkill Debut, but, for whatever reason, girlfriend decided to lay in the road, SPREAD EAGLED?
It kind of makes you wonder what Bad Elena was supposedly doing, before she was “hit by a car,” to make her “land” in such a precarious position. Cheerleading, perhaps? Or, maybe, something even more “athletic” . . .
Anywhoo, our nameless, identity-free, unsuspecting, driver stops to help Roadkill Elena (as all nameless, identity-free, unsuspecting, drivers inevitably do), and ends up with a neck-full-of gore for her trouble.
“Is it Friday yet?”
Have no fear, Nameless, Identity-free, Unsuspecting Driver! Damon Salvatore has arrived to rescue you!
“Elena, darling. Save some room for dessert!”
I mean, sure, you are still probably going to be spending the next month of your life, sporting the ugliest neck hickey in the History of Neck Hickeys. But hey, look on the bright side, at least you still have a neck!
Damon tells Elena to “practice some restraint.” It’s worthwhile noting that this comment that would have been a lot funnier, had it been said by Season 1 Damon . . .
. . . than by Season 4 Damon, who — much to Delena fans’ chagrin — has somehow managed to only have sex with Elena ONE TIME, since this whole Sire Bond storyline crapped on graced our screens.
Season 4 Damon is the Granddaddy of Restraint, at least when it comes to his superhuman ability to nurse these . . .
Coed Naked Elena
Damon drags a bloody faced, perpetually bored looking, but decidedly less hungry, Elena back home. Shortly thereafter, at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Daddy Damon has a “family meeting” with Mommy Stefan, and Judgmental-Older Sister Caroline about how to handle their new unruly vampire baby.
“Are they talking about me? They are totally talking about me, aren’t they?”
Sidenote: I did find myself briefly amused by the fact that, of ALL the houses in Mystic Falls, the SALVATORE water supply, just so happens to be the only one not laced with vervain. Not only is that ridiculously convenient plot wise — how else would we get to see five glorious minutes of Damon singing in the shower, every other episode? — it’s also SUCH a major failure on the part of the Mayor. I mean, Mystic Falls doesn’t seem like that BIG of a town, right? In fact, I’d go as far as to say that at least 15% of the town’s vampire population currently lives, has lived at, or WILL live at La Casa de Rich and Awesome. And THAT’S the house they miss vervaining?
Then again, this guy is related to Bonnie. So, maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised . . .
Sorry, to all you Bonnie lovers out there. I’m not sorry.
(Speaking of everyone’s favorite Witch Who Joined the Cult of Silas, girlfriend was notably absent from this week’s cheer festivities, thus proving that Shane/Silas ruins EVERYTHING . . . even extracurricular activities.)
But back to this All-Important Family Meeting, Elena walks in on it, as unruly vampire babies are wont to do. But, here’s the kicker, she’s TOTALLY NAKED . . . which would be a lot more surprising, if we hadn’t seen it in the promos.
Still, it was fun to see the various characters’ reactions, to Elena in her birthday suit. They were embarrassed (Stefan), amused (Damon), and aghast (Caroline) respectively.
By the way, did you notice how Elena’s “It’s not like you haven’t all seen it before” statement included Caroline? Now, THAT would make for a great fanfiction . . .
Before Elena heads off for her first day back to school in about eight episodes since her “dehumanizing,” she and Damon play a quick game of Sire Says. For those of you who are unfamiliar, Sire Says, is a lot the Simon Says game you used to play as kids, except the commands take a lot longer to carry out than your typical, “jump on one leg,” “pat your head, while rubbing your tummy” sort of instructions. Plus, rather than saying the typical “Sire Says,” prior to giving a command, Damon is forced to say something like, “If you really loved me you’d . . .”
(Where have we heard that one before, ladies?)
But here’s the rub. BAAAAAAD Elena doesn’t love anybody anymore, which kind of puts the kibosh on the whole “Sire Bond” thing.
The good news about that, is that Damon can finally sex with Elena, without worrying about it being . . . you know . . . Sire Bond Sex.
The bad news is that, without the Sire Bond to force her to switch her emotions back on, BAAAAD Elena could very well end up being BAAAAD Elena FOREVER . . . or at least until the next Sweeps period . . .
The Quick and the Undead
In non-Elena related news (Who am I kidding? Everything on this show somehow ties back to Elena.) , Hayley (Remember her?) is wandering around some random gas station when some hot, soon-to-be-dead, vampire comes thisclose to making her into a tasty werewolf burger.
And you are never going to guess who saves her?
Wait, yeah you are, because you already saw the episode. It’s Klaus. You see, Katherine wants Hayley dead, because Hayley was a party to Katherine’s plans to steal the cure, and, therefore, might know her whereabouts. And Klaus wants Hayley alive, for the exact same reason. Comprende?
Now, Klaus has two people to mine for information about Katherine’s whereabouts: (1) Hayley, obviously; and (2) the now-dying-of-werewolf bite guy who just tried to kill Hayley on Katherine’s behalf. So, he makes things easier for himself, by sending Damon and Rebekah after the one he doesn’t want to f*&k. Convenient, right?
How’s this for a small world? When Damon finds Hayley’s would-be killer / Katherine’s minion, it turns out that he knows the guy! It’s some hot vamp named “Will” from New York. So, Damon decides to do what any self-respecting vampire would do, when he meets up with an old dying friend from New York . . . he rips his heart out. Nice knowing ya, Hot Will! See ya in next week’s flashbacks!
“Damon, don’t leave me here to die. You’re breaking my heart!”
“Problem solved!”
Also, in not-related-to-Elena news, it turns out that the mystery person whose been gorging on the local hospital blood supply is . . . wait for it . . . SILAS. Be afraid, Scooby Gang! Be very afraid!
Speaking of scary . . .
Cheerleading is a bloodsport . . .
With this odd expression on her face that makes her look like a Stepford Wife controlled by Dr. Evil . . .
. . . Bad Elena politely requests that Cheer Captain Caroline let her back on the cheerleading squad. Cheer Captain Caroline (who, come to think of it, bares a striking resemblance to Cheer Captain Torrence, from the first Bring it on Movie)
. . . thinks this is an AWESOME idea . . . possibly because, in addition to spiking the town’s water supply with Vervain, the Mayor has also spiked it with Stupid.
I mean, seriously, how did Vampire Barbie not realize that this was going to end badly. Hasn’t she ever seen Jennifer’s Body?
Caroline’s questionable judgment aside, Elena is immediately allowed back on the Cheerleading Squad. And, then, literally the next minute, she’s at a cheer competition. Now, that’s impressive. I wonder what poor freshman got [eaten] kicked off the travel squad bus, so that Elena could compete. Perhaps, it was this one . . .
. . . Haven’t seen the generally useless and ridiculously annoying perky April Young lately, have we? Wouldn’t it be great if, she somehow ended up being Silas? Just saying . . .
As someone who has attended regional sports competitions in high school, I can tell you, it’s never a good idea to leave your crap on the bus. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS take your crap off the bus, OK? For one thing, those meets are looooooong. You are typically there for hours, and are usually only competing for maybe 7 minutes of that time, if you are lucky. So, you are definitely going to want to have your crap with you while you wait.
“I left my crap on the bus.”
“Haha, moron!”
Also, I’m sure, by now, you’ve noticed that all school buses look alike. So, the chance of you actually locating yours, when your bus driver isn’t smoking in the front seat, are about as likely as TVD hooking up Matt with Klaus, this season. And even if you do find it, there’s about a 95% chance it’s locked up tight, which means you’re not getting in there, until that meet is OVER!
Another reason not to leave your crap on the bus? Elena Gilbert might come there, EAT YOU, and take away your ugly blue ponytail ribbon.
When Caroline finds Elena with a TOTALLY NOT MATCHING WITH HER RED UNIFORM blue ponytail ribbon, she is SUPER PISSED . . . though I’m not sure whether she’s more angry about the whole “eating the competition” thing, or the fact that Elena’s blue ribbon is like totally clashing with the team uniform . . . Whatever, the reason, she gives Elena a piece of her mind.
This, in turn, prompts Elena to let Caroline fall on her ass during Cheer Pyramid time.
“Last time Elena got me on my back, I was having a lot more fun . . .”
Bring it On Torrence would NEVER have stood for that! It’s time for revenge, Caroline. Shove that Spirit Stick right up Elena’s ass . . .
Or, maybe, just have Stefan do that for you. Outside Cheer Town, Stefan responds to Elena’s boredly hitting on him, by vervaining her ass and dragging her back home.
“I think this is the most play I’ve gotten from Elena all season.”
Meanwhile, back at Klaus House . . .
The “Art” of Seduction
Haley is not so much admiring, as, insulting Klaus’ artwork, while Klaus attempts, with only limited success, to extract from Tyler’s former Girl Friday information about Katherine’s whereabouts. Klaus admits that he uses art as a way to exert control over the world around him. Funny, because that’s exactly how Haley uses sex!
Klaus wants Caroline, and information about Katherine (which Hayley might have). Hayley wants Tyler, and information about her long lost family (which Klaus might know, based on his remark about her birthmark). They agree to form an unholy alliance to help one another get what they want. Instead of shaking hands on the deal, like normal humans, Klaus and Hayley decide to screw on it, which, I guess, is like shaking private parts.
All right, now I know a lot of fans have been bitching about the whole Klaus / Haley sexual interlude thing. They say the two actors have no chemistry with one another. They say the whole scene seemed less designed to drive the plot, and more designed to promote the spinoff, The Originals, in which both characters have already been awarded starring roles. They have a point . . .
But, here’s the thing . . . I’m GLAD Klaus finally got laid on camera. For one thing, the audience has gone way too long, without seeing Joseph Morgan shirtless, weird Sesame Street-esque triangle back tattoo, notwithstanding. Are Klaus and Haley a great love match? Absolutely not. But it was starting to stretch the realms of believeability that a hormonally-charged, perpetual 20-something, would remain entirely celibate for two-plus years, all because he “fell in love” with a high school girl. No matter how much Damon loved Elena, he was constantly getting laid, throughout the first three seasons of the series. And if TVD had any sense of realistic character development, that’s exactly what Klaus should have been doing this whole time . . . you know, when he wasn’t plotting World Domination and /or staking his siblings, and/or shamelessly hitting on Stefan . . .
House Party Munchies
Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena tells Stefan that she remembers him being good in bed . . .
. . . but only in a clinical way . . . not in a way that makes her want to marry him, and have his vampire babies .. . because that’s not what BAAAAD Elena is about.
What is BAAAAD Elena about, you ask? PARTIES!
That’s right! Our impressively efficient Evil Elena somehow manages to invite the ENTIRE SCHOOL to Stefan’s house all within her five minute conversation with him. Talk about speed text messaging! She must have learned that from THIS GUY . . .
Damon and Beks arrive at the party, just in time for Damon to tell Klaus Barbie that she shouldn’t really want the cure, because humans are boring . . . well, except for Human Elena, of course . . .
Having survived her brush with Cheer Death, Caroline arrives at the party, SUPER PISSED at her gal pal, Elena. Her and Stefan are very worried about the state of their friend’s soul, indeed. But not worried enough to keep them from DANCING . . . HOLLA!
Despite Stefan having only recently finished sexing up Rebekah, and Caroline only recently having “split” with Tyler (more on that in a bit), these two have been flirting with one another, something fierce lately. Do I smell a future hookup? Elena sure seems to . . .
“Why do I look so jealous? I’m not supposed to have emotions, this week.”
Man, is this group getting incestuous. . .
We interrupt this dating game to bring you Elena trying to EAT CAROLINE’S MOM!
“I knew becoming a cop was a mistake. I should have become a pirate, like I wanted to back when I was a kid.”
Watch it, Elena! You almost killed the only parental figure left alive in Mystic Falls. You’re going to pay . . .
It’s girl fight time! BRING IT ON!
And, once again, the Salvatore brothers must come to the rescue . . .
This used to be my boyfriend’s house (Now it’s my ex-boyfriend’s house)
Poor Caroline! Now, I’ve heard of guys breaking up with girls by voicemail, text message, post-it note, even Facebook / Twitter status update. But I’ve never heard of a guy breaking up with a girl by deeding his house to her ex-boyfriend! Ouch!
And us fans thought JerBear got a bad send off, when his stinky corpse got burnt to a crisp, along with the Gilbert house. Tyler got two minute voice over, in the same episode where Caroline very much looked like she’d already started moving on with Stefan. Now, that’s gotta hurt!
“Dammit! Now, I’ll have to choose from one of the other eight boys on this show currently hitting on me.”
In lighter news, Matt Donovan, Teenage Mansion Owner, just became the RICHEST poor guy, ever!
“I’ll buy a limousine, instead!”
Maybe now, he can finally stop working at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, and start trying to find himself a REAL storyline . . .
A girl can dream, right?
On the Road Again . . .
Pop Quiz: Where’s the best place to take your now- humanity-free girlfriend on a road trip?
Personally, I’d go with Vegas. I mean, they call it Sin City for a reason, right. Damon, however, opts to bring Elena to New York City, former home of the now literally heartless Will.
This could be promising . . .
Until next time, Fangbangers!
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