“You can get married as many times as you want, but there is only one prom,” says Quinn Febray, during Glee’s epic PROM EPISODE.
“This is how I decided to spend the alimony payments from each of my five ex-husbands. One lame tiara, for each lame man.”
Ahhh . . . the Prom Episode, every teen show has one. And only some of them are actually worth watching. After all, when it comes to prom episodes, there’s a whole lot of CLICHE to go around: the Pre-Prom Pictures, the Ugly Duckling Transformation, the Long, Slow Walk Down the Stairs, while the Admiring Boyfriend Looks On, the Inevitably Fight Over a Girl (or Guy), the Romantic Slow Dance Moment, and, of course, the crowning of the Prom’s King and Queen. And with cliches, comes a WHOLE LOT OF OPPORTUNITIES to be unmemorable . . .
A MAJOR Opportunity for a Cliche is RIGHT HERE! It’s a GOOD THING that these two didn’t win Prom King and Queen. That’s all I’m saying! (Oh, and Finn? 1985 called. It REALLY wants your powder blue cumberbund back . . .)
Fortunately, Glee’s “Prom Queen” managed to deftly sidestep all of the typical Prom Episode Traps that were just waiting to trip it up. The result was a genuinely fun-filled, toe-tapping, heart warming, tear-inducing, hour of television.
Oh, you RIDE THAT PONY, Santana! Ride it hard!
My fellow Gleeks, the time has come to zip up those dresses, strap on the corsages, spike the punch, and practice dancing the night away, in those ridiculously uncomfortable high heels. In the iconic words of Sam Evan’s “Who’s ready for some PROM?”
I Love it When Glee Gets All Self-Deprecating and Self-Referential!
“Give me back my BALLS, B*tch!”
The moment I knew that I was going to LOVE this week’s installment of Glee occurred about two minutes into the episode, when Jacob Ben-Israel shoved a microphone in Puck’s face, and asked him a question that was purportedly given to him by “fans at home: “Where does Lauren keep your balls?”
“Fans from Home,” INDEED! I think MANY of us have been asking ourselves this very question, ever since the writers made the BIZARRE decision to couple Puck and Lauren, back during the Valentine’s Day episode. So, it’s comforting to know that at least SOMEONE in the writers’ room is listening. Because, as much as I
desperately want to have sex with ADORE my Sexy Puck-meister . . .
. . . even I must admit that he does act a tad “Neutered Puppy”-esque when hanging around a certain Full-Figured Female.
Cute? Definitely! Bad Ass? Not exactly . . .
And did you notice how Puck and Lauren had virtually no scenes together, this week? I smell PROGRESS!
Strike THREE, Zizes! YOU’RE OUT!
That being said, the fact that Puck chose to “up his street cred” this week, by (1) NOT spiking the Prom Punch; and (2) rocking out to a rather annoying song written by a 13-year old, leads me to question whether or not Lauren not only chopped off his manhood when she started dating him, but gave him a LOBOTOMY too . . .
That being said, I still want to attend a party in his pants . . .
In other META-news, when Principal Figgins asks Mr. Schue if his Glee kids could perform at prom (Apparently, Air Supply canceled AGAIN! Stupid Air Supply!) . . .
. . . Sue Sylvester pipes in with a list of all of the WORST SONGS EVER PERFORMED
on Glee by the Glee Club. Included on this list, of course, are . . .
“Run, Joey, Run”
(Coincidentally, it is from the video of “Run, Joey, Run” that I obtained my absolute FAVORITE, and, admittedly, very much overrused, Sexy White-Tank Wearing Puck GIF, which you may have noticed above.)
AND . . .
that ridiculous “Hair” / “Crazy in Love” Mashup . . .
Now, THIS was REALLY BAD!
One thing that’s gotta be said for Glee, when the show messes up, at least it’s willing to ADMIT IT . . . most of the time, anyway.
So, Who’s YOUR Prom Date?
Was it just me, or did Brittany seem unusually smart, this week? Perhaps, when Lauren cut off the frontal lobe of Puck’s brain, she ended up donating it to the web host of Fondue for Two . . .
There was a bit of intrigue, early on in the episode, regarding which Glee kids would take which other Glee kids to prom. (Because, HEAVEN FORBID, any of them take NON-CAST MEMBERS, right?) I mean, we already knew that Finn was going to take Quinn (yawn), Mike was going to take Tina (zzzzzz), Puck was going to take Lauren (BOO!), and Santana and Karofsky were going to be eachother’s closeted dance partners. But it was interesting to see the, usually proud and independent, Mercedes so decidedly bummed about not having a date . . .
MERCEDES: “I can’t understand why no one has asked me to prom yet?”
RACHEL: “Do you think it might have something to do with the fact that you are wearing a HUGE, SCARY OPEN MOUTH on your chest?”
Some have argued that Mercedes sudden interest in having a boyfriend, when she has seemed to show NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER, in the past, seems out of character, and more like a Plot Device, than anything else. However, I kind of feel like Mercedes is someone who hides her insecurities behind a cloak of false bravado. And, as such a person, she would sooner knock something she can’t have, than admit that she truly wants it. That being said, I love that Mercedes’ friendship with Rachel has evolved to the point where the former can be truly honest with the latter, about her hopes and dreams.
Ho’s Before Bro’s!
Speaking of Rachel, we all know she can be SUPER selfish sometimes. So, it was really refreshing to see her take others’ needs into consideration, this week.
She did this by orchestrating a group date between Mercedes, Sam, and herself so that (1) all of them had dates to the prom; and (2) Sam’s financial situation did not keep him from attending. Way to go, Rach!
Trouty Mouth is very pleased!
“I am a TOTAL PIMP!”
Meanwhile, Blaine struggles with his own insecurities about attending prom with Kurt, as a result of a traumatic experience, during Blaine’s public school days, when he was beat up for attending a Sadie Hawkins dance with one of his gay friends . ..
In an Awesome Mutually Mature Boyfriend Moment, Kurt, despite obviously REALLY wanting to attend the prom, tells Blaine that he would be willing to skip the event, if Blaine feels uncomfortable with it. Likewise, Blaine, though clearly not without reservations, loves Kurt so much, that he is willing to face up to his deepest, darkest, fears in order to make Kurt happy. (By the way, I love how, when Kurt asks Blaine to the prom he actually refers to him as “Blaine Warbler.” SO CUTE!)
Secretly hoping that their public acts of kindness will win them points in the Prom King and Queen Race, Team Beard, Santana and Karofsky offer to give Kurt round the clock protection from bullying (well . . . at least during school hours).
This inevitably results in some VERY interesting and intense moments between Kurt and Karofsky, which I plan to discuss more fully in just a bit. But, for now, let’s talk about Artie . . .
Dear, sweet, Artie! You broke my heart many times over this week, from your Fashion Disaster Prom Wardrobe (Elvis Hair? Orange Suit? Ruffled Shirt? NO! NO and HELL NO!), to your defeated (and, let’s face it, slightly pathetic) acceptance of torture at the hands of Sue Sylvester. But nothing you did this week, broke my heart like your failed serenade of Brittany.
“I know you are mad at me now, but I was wondering if you would possibly be interested in having a threesome with Santana and me? Best of both worlds, right?”
Sure, you called her stupid, which was probably the ONE thing you could have said to Brittany that would get her to dump you. And, yes, you kind of added insult to injury, by singing, of all songs, Stevie Wonder’s “Isn’t She Lovely” to her, which is, after all, a song about a NEWBORN BABY . . .
The lyrics, “Less than ONE MINUTE OLD,” should have probably clued you in to that one . . .
But still, to be shot down, in front of an ENTIRE HOME ECONOMICS class, because your ex tells you that she would rather go to her prom ALONE, and
have hot sex with Santana dance with lots of random guys, instead of YOU . . . now that’s GOTTA HURT! Artie, if I wasn’t sure it would give me a painful electrical shock (I’ve actually tried this before . . . “smart” . . . I know), I probably would have hugged you right through the television screen . . .
Everybody Loves Rachel . . . for a change (well, except, maybe, for Quinn)
Yes! They are fighting over ME! Rachel Berry! Everybody loves ME! I’m awesome. Oh, boys! Stop fighting! This is terrible! Someone is going to get hurt . . . and I can’t afford to break my nose, again.”
Rachel Berry may already have TWO dates to the prom. But she’s about to get at least one more (and, if Eye F*&king counts as “dating,” possibly TWO more). We see Rachel practicing her solo number for the prom, Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep.” Then, seemingly out of nowhere (Seriously, is there NO security at this school?) Jesse St. James magically appears in the auditorium, transforming her already highly emotive solo into an extremely sexually-tense duet . . .
You can check out the pair’s full performance here . . .
Whatever you may have felt about the so-called “St. Berry pairing” back in Season 1, and it’s unfortunate, not to mention, completely out-of-the-blue, ending . . .
Sunny side down?
. . . the sexual chemistry between Jonathan Groff and Lea Michele is undeniable
(which is odd, considering that Groff is so clearly GAY). And never is the pair more on fire, than when they are mutually breaking into song. If you recall, this is precisely how the couple’s relationship first began . . .
JESSE: “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a woman on top of a piano. It’s very Pretty Woman.”
RACHEL: “But we are in a library . . . and there are old people in the background, watching us.”
JESSE: “Doesn’t that turn you on?”
RACHEL: “Not really.”
JESSE: “Work with me here. I’m trying to get you laid.”
Though, admittedly, I prefer the original Adele version of “Rolling in the Deep” to what “Rachel and Jesse” performed here, both the acting and directing of this scene are positively flawless. I love the way the singers’ facial expressions alternate from almost angry, to wistful, to attracted, to indifferent, to competitive, and, finally, to joyous at various points throughout the number. I also appreciate the way Rachel and Jesse circle one another around the piano, as they sing, engaging in what seems to be a strange, and undoubtedly sexual, mating dance between predator and prey . . . lover and scorned . . . where the participants are each simultaneously playing both roles.
JESSE: “There is something different about you. Did you get a nose job?”
RACHEL: “No, Jesse! I decided against doing that. Geez! Don’t you watch Glee?”
As it turns out, Jesse, who was supposedly a senior in high school, during the show’s first season, has (conveniently) dropped out of college, and now (also conveniently) wishes to start his own business as a consultant to Glee Clubs and show choirs. His reason for breaking into McKinley High? Well, it seems to be two-fold:
(1) He wishes to apologize to Rachel for the whole “egg-head” business. Apparently, selling his girlfriend out for a fourth consecutive championship win of a HIGH SCHOOL competition seems short-sighted to him, in hindsight (Gee, ya think?); and
(2) He knew Rachel’s prom was coming up, and wanted to take her. (You know . . . because college guys always keep track of rival high school’s social calendars, while they are away.)
Was this a contrived way for the writers to bring back this character? Absolutely. And yet, I’m actually really excited about Jesse’s return, not only because I enjoy his interactions with Rachel (She tends to be WAY less whiny and annoying, when she’s with him.), but because I’m positively THRILLED about what his return is going to do to Finn . . .
Watch out Finn-y! Your emotions are showing!
Speaking of Finn, he sure seemed to be All Aboard the Rachel Train, this week, didn’t he? The minute Finn learned that Rachel was considering taking Jesse to prom, he suddenly seemed SUPER CONCERNED about Rachel “getting her heart broken again.”
(After all, the only person allowed to break Rachel’s heart is FINN, right?)
Rachel rightly tells Finn
to go f*&k himself, that, as someone who’s currently dating Quinn, he has NO RIGHT to weigh in on Rachel’s romantic rendezvous. Rachel (Bless her heart, girlfriend was pure PERFECTION this episode!) then proceeds to make Finn even SORRIER about dating the wrong girl, by expertly offering him advice on how to purchase the perfect corsage for his ACTUAL girlfriend but probably not for long Quinn. (“A Gardenia . . . with a green ribbon around it . . . to match her eyes,” Rachel suggests).
Oh, Finn! You poor smitten, little boy! You are SO SCREWED!
Tension rises between Finn and Jesse, when the two encounter one another at Breadsticks (which, apparently, is the only restaurant in Lima, Ohio) later in the episiode. Finn, in a not-so-subtle allusion to the “Little Game of Egg Toss” Jesse played with Rachel’s head, last season, asks the college dropout, if he ordered “eggs” for dinner.
In return, Jesse makes a few snide remarks about Finn’s bad dancing skills . . .
Ahem . . .
. . . even going as far as to offer HIMSELF to QUINN as a dance partner, when she gets tired of Finn-y Boy stepping on her feet.
Jesse – 1, Finn – 0
At the prom, when Rachel sings her solo number to Christina Perri’s “Jar of Hearts” (What happened to “Rolling in the Deep”?) Finn, who just so happens to be dancing with Quinn at the time, keeps leering at Rachel, as if he wants to swallow her whole . . .
And, later, when Jesse starts getting all hot and handsy with Rachel on the dance floor . . .
. . . Finny Boy conveniently misinterprets Rachel’s nearly orgasmic reaction as displeasure and TOTALLY SNAPS, attacking Jesse like a wild drooling rabid dog, who hasn’t eaten in weeks. This, of course, gets BOTH Jesse and Finn promptly tossed out of the prom. Quinn is upset by this, because she BELIEVES it will prevent her from winning prom queen. But, in all honesty, she actually doesn’t win, because nobody really likes her . . .
Take that, Lucy Caboosey!
The smallest little violin in the world begins playing, as Quinn rushes off sobbing to the bathroom (“I’m not going to be prom queen, BOO HOO HOO! My life is over. I’m transferring schools . . . AGAIN,” she wails.)
And Rachel, ever the glutton for punishment, actually rushes in to comfort this b*tch. (Seriously, Rachel was like SUPERHUMANLY ANGELIC this week. This means that, next week, the writers will probably make her Evil Incarnate.) So, what does Rachel get for trying to be a decent human being to Quinn in her so-called hour of need? Well, she gets THIS . . .
But, like I said, Rachel COULD DO NO WRONG this week. And even after Quinn gives her “free blush” on one side of her face, Rachel sticks around to find out why Quinn is “so upset.”
Well, for starters, Quinn is upset because she currently wants Finn. Tomorrow, she might want Puck. And the day after, she might want Sam. But today, it’s Finn. And the day Quinn wants someone, she’ll be DAMNED if he’s interested in someone else!
What I found interesting about Quinn’s “little speech,” was that she seemed LESS upset about the fact that Finn seems currently more attracted to Rachel, than to her, and MORE upset about the fact that OTHER people noticed that, and, (she thinks) didn’t select them as Prom King and Queen because of it. Way to keep your priorities straight, girl!
“Oh, don’t cry Quinn . . . it gives you wrinkles.”
The other thing Quinn claims to be worried about, is something the writers ALWAYS have her character worry about, every time they want to make her “sympathetic” to the audience. Quinn complains to Rachel that life is SO MUCH HARDER for her, than it is for Rachel, because, unlike Rachel Quinn is just so pretty. And as a result of her ridiculous attractiveness (and lack of other redeeming qualities), post-high school life for Quinn might actually end up being pretty darn disappointing.
I hate to say it, but Quinn’s probably right about her future . . .
Nonetheless, Rachel lies through her teeth, assuring Quinn that she’s more than just a pretty face. She’s a better person than me, that Rachel. That’s for DAMN sure!
You know who else is a MUCH better person than I am?
EVERYBODY Kurt Hummel.
Kurt Reigns Over the Prom
One of the coolest things about Kurt Hummel, I think, is that he’s not just content to be an out-and-proud teen. Rather, Kurt sees it as his personal mission to educate teens and adults on having tolerance for various alternative lifestyles. And though that Bizarre Kilt Thing Kurt wanted to wear to prom, SERIOUSLY freaked out his dad, Finn and Blaine, not to mention rivaled only ARTIE’S tuxedo, as the WORST PROM OUTFIT ever . . .
. . . I still respected the courage it took for Kurt to wear it. Speaking of respect, I think Karofsky gained a whole lot of it for Kurt, when the latter found it in his heart, not just to forgive the former for bullying him, but also to take pity on the pain he was experiencing as a closeted gay youth . . .
Kurt’s kindness, and his recognition of Karofsky’s inner turmoil, causes the normally stoic jock to break down into uncharacteristic tears. Moved by Karofsky’s display of emotion, Kurt encourages him to stop hiding his true self, and come out of the closet “not tomorrow, but when you can.”
Unfortunately, things take a turn for the worst at prom, when
Puck and Sam sing Rebecca Black’s Friday, which, though better than the original version, still makes me want to clean out my ears with bleach . . .
SAM: “We are SO going to get our asses kicked for doing this song, aren’t we?”
PUCK: “Mmmm hmm.”
. . . Karofsky gets crowned Prom King . . .
Well, I guess that’s not such a bad thing, in and of itself. But then, in a cruel twist, the McKinley High School kids insensitively nominate KURT as Prom Queen, causing both him AND Santana, to run out of the auditorium in tears.
Blaine sweetly comforts Kurt outside by the lockers, offering him the same comforting safety net, Kurt had offered him back when he worried about attending the prom in the first place. “We don’t have to stay here, you know. We can leave and never look back.” But Kurt isn’t ready to accept defeat just yet. Instead, he decides to (1) return to the auditorium and get coronated; (2) dance to Mercedes’ and Santana’s rendition of “Dancing Queen;” and (3) in doing so, impliedly, tell all the homophobes in his student body to go F*&k Themselves . . .
(By the way, PRINCIPAL FIGGINS, the kids at your school play a practical joke on a gay male student, by electing him prom queen, and YOU allow him to be coronated to the tune of DANCING QUEEN, of all songs! FOR SHAME!)
That being said, since it WAS Mercedes and Santana singing, don’t you think they could have . . . I don’t know . . . sang a DIFFERENT SONG? Like “Macho Man,” perhaps? 😉
For a moment, it looks as though Karofsky might muster up the courage to actually dance with Kurt. But, seeing his classmates’ reaction to Kurt’s bold acceptance of the crown, frightens Karofsky to his core. And, at the last second, Karofsky runs from the auditorium, once again, in tears. Fortunately, Blaine is standing right behind Kurt at the time, and is more than willing to “have this dance” with him.
(Speaking of Blaine, his rocking out to the most awkwardly titled song ever, the “I’m Not Going to Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance,” was pretty awesome, right? Now, don’t get me wrong,, it’s not that I particularly love the song. But boyfriend SURE CAN DANCE! Plus, I found the number refreshingly non-Warbler-esque, which was great . . . for me, anyway!)
I mentioned Santana, earlier. She shared a very sweet scene with Brittany outside the auditorium, in which she tearfully wondered why everyone hated her, just because SHE hated THEM. 🙂 An unusually-wise-this-week Brittany argued that the rest of the school didn’t vote for Santana
because they would rather play a mean joke on Kurt because they can somehow tell that she’s not being true to herself. (Now, that’s a nice idea and all. But, then, how did KAROFSKY win?)
Argument fallacies aside, my heart warmed a bit, when Brittany told Santana that if she “embraced the awesomeness of who she is, she would have won.” Now, honestly, I’m not sure I believe that . . . but it was a sweet thing to say, nonethless.
And when Brittany politely told Santana to stop whining, pull her head out of her ass, and be supportive to Kurt in his time of need, well, that was EVEN sweeter . . .
Wearer of the Worst Prom Outfit Ever . . . meet the Worst Plotline Ever.
As I sort of mentioned earlier, there was also this sort of bizarre storyline, in which Puck convinced Artie to spike the punch at the dance . . . and then Sue Sylvester CAUGHT Artie doing it . . . so she randomly tortured him with dental tools . . . until she found out that he DIDN’T actually spike the punch?
Yeah . . . rest assured, that plotline was about as random, and annoying to watch, as it probably was to read. So,I’m not going to spend any more time on it than what you see here. . . except to say that, perhaps, the whole point of the storyline was simply to once-again punish Artie for wearing that Ugly Ass Suit . . .
Don’t worry Artie! Everyone makes mistakes! Next week will be better for you, I promise. (Because, we all know it can’t get much worse!)
So, that was basically “Prom Queen” in a nutshell. Next week’s Glee installment, entitled “Funeral,” promises to be a much darker episode. . . not to mention, a deadlier one. You can check out the promo for THAT episode HERE . . .
Now, it’s time to start speculating, my fellow Gleeks, if you haven’t started already. Which cast member do you think has already sung his (or her) final Swan Song? Tune in next week to find out . . .