Oh, my dear Gleeks . . . it’s that time again . . . you know . . . the time when McKinley High School makes its annual pilgrimage to Spearsylvania.
And why not? Spearsylvania is a happy place . . . a place where every song is about That Boy You Boned, and popping your bubble gum, while thrusting your hip out suggestively, is the Language of Love.
Except, this time around, it appears that something is VERY rotten in Spearsylvania . . .
OMG! What’s a Gleek to do?
Can the Glee kids save their Happy Place from becoming a world filled with bald heads, bad relationships, and Cheetos binge sessions? Tune in to this mini-cap to find out . . .
Tough Love is a B*TCH!
Personally, I’ve never been a fan of the whole concept of “tough love,” or “brutal honesty.” I’ve always kind of viewed it as an excuse for your friends and loved ones to say obnoxious and hurtful things to you, under the guise of “caring” and “concern.”
Call me crazy. But when I’m feeling blue, I’d much prefer my friends to lie to me about how awesome I am, and how great everything is going to turn out, even if I know, deep down, that they are just blowing smoke up my ass.
Given my opinion on this subject, I found myself 100% relating to Rachel’s frustration with Finn’s idea of “giving her space” . . .
. . . and her annoyance with Cassie July’s notion of “student motivation” . . .
I also wasn’t necessarily on board with Sue Sylvester’s “brilliant” idea to kick Brittany off the Cheerios squad for failing ONE test during her second senior year, considering that Girlfriend has most likely failed EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY TEST she has ever taken since kindergarten . . .
You would think (given her own family history) that if anyone should understand that Brittany’s learning problems go way beyond laziness, and a much-too-tight high ponytail constricting blood flow to her brain, it would be Sue Sylvester.
But . . . as it turns out . . . not-so-much . . .
And yet, Brittany and Rachel aren’t the characters I’m most concerned about right now on Glee. You know who’s worrying me most? THIS GUY . . .
What’s going on with you, Lord Tubbington? Suddenly, you’re self-medicating?
(Somehow, I don’t think she’s talking about cigarettes . . .)
And hanging out with a “bad crowd?”
Now, you can’t tell me these aren’t loud meows for help! In other tough love news . . .
They are sexy, and they know it!
In true Glee fashion, Unique and Tina use a song to gently break the news to new girl, Marley, that new boy, Jake, is probably “just not that into her,” because he’s already been inside everyone else, if you catch my drift . . .
Musically, the number wasn’t one of my favorites. However, I did enjoy the choreography, and the way Jake’s Army of Scorned Females grew throughout the song, until the triumphant finale, in which they filled an ENTIRE GYM! Now, that’s impressive! Be honest, Puck . . . you’re just a little bit proud of your baby bro for that one . . .
Speaking of Puck, guess who flew all the way in from LA, just to have a two-minute conversation with his baby long lost brother? (Guess his Pool Cleaning Business has a Frequent Flyer Program?) In what was probably the most random scene in the entire episode, the Sexy Mohawk-wearing Man convinced his Mini-Me to join Glee club, simply by revealing that he (Puck) had engaged in his first threesome at the ripe old age of seven . . . wait . . . WHAT?
Yeah, it didn’t make any sense at all, and . . . to be honest . . . was a bit disturbing. But hey, the guy still looks gooood . . .
You can clean MY pool anytime, Puckerman . . .
Speaking of things that don’t make any sense, how about a gay man singing this to a lesbian . . .
I know . . . I know . . . Brittany is technically bisexual. But still, it was a little weird. And yet, not quite as weird as a SUPER religious Christian guy singing about “threesomes” and “living in sin,” without adding the words “will get you a first class ticket to HELL,” to the end of the song.
That said, of all the Britney covers in this episode, “3” was probably my favorite.
One of viewers’ main complaints about the first Britney tribute episode, was that each of the songs featured was little more than a color-by-numbers cover performance . . . the sound, the costumes, the dance moves . . . each performance came off like a less vibrant copy of the original Britney Spears music video on which it was based. This time around, Glee seemed to take that criticism to heart, gamely reinterpreting Britney’s iconic (and some less-than-iconic) songs through mash-ups, different interpretations of the lyrics, and, in this case . . . actually going acoustic.
I don’t know about you guys, but I actually like this version of “3” better than the original . . .
Since we are on the subject of sex, it seems a certain dance teacher doesn’t think Rachel is sexy enough to dance the tango . . .
NO ONE calls THE RACHEL BERRY un-sexy . . .especially not a has-been, whose Broadway career ended ten years ago, because she made an ass of herself on YouTube . . .
So, Rachel does what any of us would do in this situation. She hires her hot older friend . . .
. . .to perform a “dance number” with her, that basically involves her grabbing her crotch a lot, while said “hot older friend” repeatedly paws at her boobs and straddles her.
Oh Rachel, you naughty minx! No wonder you’ve got your dance teacher suddenly asking you to help her with her “stretching exercises” . . .
. . . and your “hot older friend,” giving you orchids and
getting a massive boner thinking about kissing you, every time he sees you . . .
Uh oh Finn! It looks like someone might want to reconsider that whole “space” thing, if HE doesn’t want to end up being permanently replaced . . . both on that stupid painted-over apartment wall (Seriously? Who does that?) and in Rachel’s heart . . .
Elsewhere in Love Triangle Land . . .
They’ve only known one another for two episodes. And yet, when it comes to Olympic Eye F*&king, Jake and Marley are already gold medalists . . .
She looks great in his leather jacket! And they make beautiful Britney Spears / Aerosmith mash-ups together!
It’s a match made in TV Shipper Heaven! Except . . . welllll . . . there’s one teeny tiny problem. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before . . .
BAD KITTY! You’ve gone and made this storyline
even more of a cliche! No toy mice for you!
Why don’t you go join Lord Tubbington’s gang, and leave Jarley alone?
But wait! Isn’t this episode supposed to be about Brittany?
You’re right! I almost forgot! So many subplots, so little time . . .
Anywhoo . . . when we last left Brittany, she had just been kicked off the Cheerios, leaving her not only without a high ponytail, but also without any clothing. (You know . . . since all cheerleaders have only one item of clothing their closet . . . their uniform . . . which they wear to school every day . . . and, sometimes, even on weekends.)
Fortunately for Brit-Brit, someone’s fat grandma likes to hang out at McKinley High, where she, occasionally performs strip teases for fun. This stroke of luck allowed Brittany access to this super fashionable t-shirt, which she plucked out of the Lost and Found . . .
Also in the Lost and Found? A razor . . .
. . . and a rather large green umbrella . . . perfect for beating the crap out of one Jacob Ben Israel in the hallway, and NOT getting suspended for it . . .
you know . . . like Santana did, for lightly tapping Golden Boy Finn on the face for OUTING HER TO THE ENTIRE TOWN, last season
Deserves a hug . . .
Interestingly enough, none of these actions . . . not wearing Fat Grandma Clothes . . . nor carrying deadly weapons to school . . . nor brutally beating her classmates with rain gear . . . were considered loud enough cries of help from Brittany to get the attention she so direly deserved.
No . . . for Brittany to earn the help of one William Schuester, she had to do something far worse. She had to LIP SYNC!
OH THE HUMANITY! Brittany has gone TOO FAR now! SHE MUST BE STOPPED! It’s time to take drastic measures. It’s time to SEND IN . . . THE OTHER BLONDE . . .
Don’t worry, Brit-Brit! Sam understands your pain. He doesn’t know how to spell either . . .
Together you two beautifully unintellectual people will stage a Britney Spears-inspired comeback like the world has never known . . . one President Mistaken for an Oscar-Award Winning Actress at a time . . .
Worry not, my fellow Gleeks! Spearsylvania shall be SAVED!
And that’s what you missed on Glee!