Tag Archives: Bryton James

Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “By The Light of The Moon”

“Now, Caroline, I know you’re on the run from a bloodthirsty werewolf right now, but would you mind telling me who styles your hair?  That Medusa look you are sporting now is simply TO DIE FOR!”

Dreamy Doppelganger Tomb Sex, Magical Orgasms, deals made with the Devil himself, hot shirtless sweaty werewolf transformations galore, a Death Bite, and a Crying Kat, what more could a fangirl want out of a mid-season finale?

(Well . . . aside from THAT, of course. ;))

(And that. ;))

Tonight’s TVD installment definitely brought the excitement, and the drama, as the show’s writers got all of their characters to exactly where they need to be, for the second half of the Season.  Let’s recap, shall we?

“Is that wolf hair on your back, or are you just happy to see me?”

When the episode begins, Tyler the Super Masochist is rewatching the Snuff Werewolf Porn his Uncle Mason left for him in the S&M Dungeon of Love Lockwood Werewolf Hideaway.  He calls Mason, who he believes to be in Florida (instead of . . . you know . . . dead . . . like he actually is) to ask him for advice on what he should wear to his upcoming Werewolf Coming Out Party (Guest list = Caroline).  Unfortunately, Mason is a rotting corpse in the trunk of Damon’s car not home to take Tyler’s call.  But THIS CHICK is . . .

As luck would have it, THIS CHICK can’t take Tyler’ call either.  She’s much too busy staring at the phone, with that “I’ve got an EVIL GENIUS plan” expression on her face . . .  The chick (whose name is Jules, by the way) apparently has magical “Beam Me Up, Scottie” powers, because, despite living in Florida, she is on the doorstep of Tyler’s Virginia mansion, within the time frame of a single commercial break.  But Tyler doesn’t have time to talk with Jules.  He has a full night of hot half-naked almost sex with Caroline painful werewolf transformations ahead of him.  And so, he makes up some excuse as to why he has to leave, and exits stage left leaving Jules to interrogate Tyler’s mom as to Mason’s whereabouts . . .

After meeting up at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Tyler and Caroline head together toward the S&M Dungeon of Love Lockwood Werewolf Hideaway . . .

Once there, Tyler quickly disrobes . . .

. . .  so he can make sweet, sweet love to Caroline won’t ruin his designer duds, upon shifting.  Caroline feigns shock and embarrassment at Tyler’s nude form, but we can all tell she totally wants to tap that ass . . .

With his all-important nudity out of the way (THANKS, TVD WRITERS!), Tyler goes about the business of actually making himself less of a danger to society.  While shackling himself to some fairly heavy duty chains (see what I mean about the masochism?), Tyler ask Caroline for the wolfsbane he requested that she get for him.  (Werewolf Fact:  Wolfsbane is poisonous to werewolves, and saps their strength.)  When Caroline hands the wolfsbane to Tyler, he instantly recoils from its touch, the rare spice nearly burning a hole in his hand.  He then dumps the vervain into a water bottle and begins to drink it, an action which causes him to wretch uncontrollably.

As the transformation progresses, Tyler proceeds to get sweatier and sweatier, and hotter and hotter looking.  But he is also in a crapload of pain, and not in a good way  . . .

Despite his repeated requests for her to go away, Caroline refuses to leave Tyler’s side – caressing his cheek, rubbing his back, and whispering encouraging words in his ear.  But when things start to get REALLY BAD, Caroline straddles Tyler, and rides him like a pony . . .

Yeeee haw!  Ride’em cowboy!

However, when Tyler starts growling, and sprouting gross pulsating growths on his back, Caroline determines that it may be about time for her to leave.  Now, almost a fully transformed werewolf, Growly Tyler begins systematically breaking free from his chains, one by one.  Oh, yeah .  . . Caroline is SO out of there! 

A rabid Tyler lunges at Caroline, as she backs toward the door, full of tears, and muttering apologies, all the way.  Still trying to be a friend to Tyler, even though he “hasn’t really been himself, lately,” Caroline waits outside the Dungeon door for as long as she can.  But, eventually, it begins to buckle, and Caroline begins to worry about whether Were Tyler is strong enough to break the door down.

She gets the HELL out of there . . . 

The next morning, Caroline heads back to the tomb to praise an again-human Tyler on a successful Werewolf Coming Out party.  He stayed in the tomb, and DIDN’T EAT ANYONE!

“That’s a good boy!  You’re a good boy, Tyler!  Yes you are!  Now roll over and play dead.”

Seeing that her life is no longer in danger, Caroline straddles Naked Tyler, once again.  (That’s my girl!)  “You are OK,” whispers Caroline sweetly into Tyler’s ear.

“No, I’m not,” mutters Tyler, as he bursts into tears, finally recognizing the enormity of what has just happened to him . . .

(By the way, if CW shows were capable of EVER getting Emmy’s, Michael Trevino totally deserves one for this.  He took a scene that, in the hands of a lesser actor, would have been laughable and overblown, and rendered an understated performance that was both truly horrifying and heartbreaking at the same time.)

(Oh, and let’s not forget the NAKED . . .)

 Team Badass Returns!

How about a little Damon and Alaric bromance to bring you some holiday cheer?  But . . . before we get to them . . .

Knowing that Elena would go all suicide missiony on everyone’s asses, and rush try to get Stefan out of that tomb with Katherine, Damon came up with the brilliant idea of having Jeremy and Bonnie “entomb her” in her own home.  And, if I could find a GIF of Nina Dobrev doing the “Mime Thing,” as she tried to break through the imaginary wall in front of her house, I would.  Suffice it to say, it looked kind of like THIS . . .

 . . . only less creepy.

Oh . . . wait . . . nevermind.  I just found one.  (Man, I love GOOGLE!)

But just when Elena is about to KILL Bonnie and her little bro for doing this to her, Damon magically appears . . .

Damon announces that he has arrived for his tour of duty on “Elena Patrol.”  This involves, making sweet, sweet love to Elena on every conceivable surface of the Gilbert home  invading Elena’s personal space and eye-f*cking her brains out, until she’s so blissed out, she’s forgotten Stefan’s name . . .  THEN making sweet, sweet love to her on every conceivable surface of the Gilbert home. (See what I did there?)  😉 

Things get off to a great start, when Damon plops down on the couch next to Elena, and throws his arm around her shoulder, like the total Playa he is.  “I find hilarity in the great lengths I go to to save your life,” Damon snarks, meeting Elena’s trademark, “puss face” with a smile . . .

But then Alaric calls . . .

. . . and tells Damon that he is needed for a Daring Mission and Buddy Cop hijinks.  And while us Delena fans love Team Badass, we can’t help but be a bit saddened, as our dreams of Delena Cabin Fever Sex slowly fly out the window . . .

Clearly, Elena was looking forward to Delena Cabin Fever Sex too!

Anyway, Team Badass’ mission, should they choose to accept it, is to find out what the deal is with this Jules girl, who is nosing around Mystic Falls, and trying to find Mason.  They catch up with their mark at . . . where else .  . . THE ONLY BAR / SOCIAL ESTABLISHMENT in Mystic Falls.

I love the way Damon and Alaric double-teamed Jules, using the same Good Cop / Douchey Drunk Cop Wingman Pickup Technique perfected by college boys, everywhere.  (Hey, maybe this would work on Elena?)

It’s worth a shot, right?

Anyway, while Jules is busy thanking Sweet Damon from saving her from Big Bad Louse Alaric, Alaric pours some wolfsbane in her drink.  If she chokes, she’s a werewolf.  If not, she’s just a b*tch.  In short, it’s like Two Guys, a Girl, and a Rufie – Werewolf Style.  (Thanks for the funny, Amy!)

If you recall, this was the same trick Caroline’s mom used on Poor Damon (i.e. vervain in the lemonade) a few episodes back, to out him as a vampire.  At least the experience taught him something useful!  The problem is that Jules is no fool, and sees right through the ruse.

She instantly smelled the Ode de Vampire cologne on Damon’s neck, and immediately guessed that he would try to slip wolfsbane in her drink.  “Tonight is the night of a full moon.  On any other night, our positions are reversed.  But tonight is not the night to pick a fight with me.  You’ve been marked,” warns the OBVIOUSLY werewolf Jules, before stalking out of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.


“What the f*ck just happened there?”

Furious that he’s just been one-upped by one of Mason’s K-9 floozies, Damon is mad and ready for revenge.  However, Alaric kindly reminds him of that legend that he always relays during the “previously on” portion of every episode, “One bite from a werewolf can kill a vampire.”

Alaric certainly doesn’t want his buddy to die!  So, he advises him to return to La Casa de Rich and Awesome STAT, and lock all the windows and doors.  Surprisingly, Damon complies . . . but there is someone locked in there with him.  (ELENA?  PLEASE LET IT BE ELENA!)  It’s Rose .  . .

Awwww, CRAP!

Rose tells her sob story.  She’s scared.  She has no where to go, and blah, blah, blah . . .

Hear that?  That’s the sound of the smallest violin playing for Rose.

Then, a window breaks.  Damon’s got another female visitor (ELENA?  PLEASE LET IT BE ELENA!)

It’s Jules, only she’s kind a looking a little doggish, if you ask me.  (Tyler was a kickass scary werewolf.  Jules looks more like a cute werepuppy.  Where I come from, we call that sexist, TVD writers.)  But instead of going for Damon, Jules bites . . . wait for it .  . . ROSE.

I’m liking this Jules character more already!

After Jules exits stage left, poor Damon actually looks genuinely concerned as to Rose’s welfare.  He hugs her close to him, feeling scared for her, not to mention incredibly guilty for the part he played in her demise.  But then, Rose’s bite appears to heal . . .

OK . . . OK . . . I know that was harsh.  But I promise you, I didn’t just want Rose to Bite the Big One, because she gets in the way of my Delena ship (though that is a VERY good reason).  I just think that cinematically, it would have been more dramatic, particularly considering this was a mid-season finale, for Rose to die instantly from were bite, as if shot with a bullet.  Not only would this force Damon to experience feelings of guilt, over the part he played in this loss, it would also prove to the Salvatores that werewolves (including Tyler) are a genuine danger for them, not just a hypothetical danger. 

But NOOOOO!  Rose seems totally fine . . . or is she?

“Sorry Rose.  It’s not you, it’s me.  You see, us Salvatore brothers are genetically programmed to only fall in love with girls who look like Nina Dobrev.”

A funny thing happened toward the end of the episode.  I started to NOT MIND ROSE .  . .

I know . . . crazy, right?

This was strange for me, considering my opinion of the character changed, while she was wearing that RIDICULOUSLY WHORISH purple nighty thing (seriously, what is up with that?), sitting way too close to Elena’s man for comfort, and KISSING HIM!

But here’s the thing.  I like that Rose doesn’t want to pursue anything romantically with Damon (WOO HOO!  GO TEAM DELENA!  We’ve still got it.). I like that she just wants Damon to scratch her itch, and assume the “friends with benefits” position that Now-Dead Trevor once occupied . . .

“500 years of sex with the same gal gets kind of boring, no?”

Perhaps, even more importantly, I like that Rose REMINDED Damon that he is in love with another woman . . .

Heck, she even seems willing to HELP Damon GET that woman — so that he could better screw protect her — if necessary.  (How’s that for self-sacrifice?)  So, of course, that means that Rose has to die, right?  Because whenever I start to kind of like a character I used to hate, they always have to die.  And when Damon finds these creepy pulsating bruises on Rose’s back, he begins to worry that werewolf bites may be fatal to vampires, after all .  . .

(Wait . . . does that mean my dreams of hot Taroline were/vamp sex cannot come true?)

Dammit!  Now they’ve got me rooting for Rose to live .  . .  MEAN WRITERS!

Meanwhile . . .

Bonnie and the Magical Orgasms, Part 2 – Electric Boogaloo

Having given Poor Jeremy the old kiss off, last week, Bonnie decides to busy herself with the task of de-spelling the Moonstone.  For help, she goes to . . . you guessed it . . . Little Richie from Family Matters Luca . . .

Luca is apparently a HUGE Witch Nerd with all sorts of Grimmores?  Grin Mores?  Gulags? spell books just lying around the house, waiting to be used at a moments notice.  Though mildly pissed at Bonnie for “channeling” him in the tomb-opening spell that almost killed him, Luca, who hasn’t been magically f*cked since last week, seems more than willing to help Bonnie de-spell the stone. 

And so the pair create their trademark romantic setting, with candles, and flowers, and blah, blah, blah.  Then they go in the center of a circle, hold hands and play Ring around the Rosey screw eachothers brains out WITH THEIR MINDS . . .

I decided to put Luca’s CURRENT picture here, only because the image of Bonnie mind f*cking the little kid from Family Matters was seriously starting to creep me out . . .

The “spell” looks surprisingly similar to the one these two did together last week, only this time the “moonstone” rose up and burst into sparks.  (I’m purposely ignoring the “their love set off sparks” metaphor the writers were obviously trying to go for here, because it was just so gosh darn LAME!)  But did Bonnie and Luca REALLY cure the moonstone of the doppelganger curse?  I’ll give you a hint . . . NO.  (OK . . . that wasn’t really a hint, but whatever.)

As it turns out, Evil Jonas Brother from Another Mother has been pimping out his son, in order to carry out Elijah’s dastardly plans.  And one of those plans involved “despelling” the FAKE moonstone, and stealing the REAL one.  And that’s what Luca did for his dad . . .

Kid, you are SO GROUNDED!  No Sesame Street for you!

Speaking of Elijah . . .

“Hi, I’m Elijah!”

Ahhhh . . . Useless Aunt Jenna.  I discovered yet a third function for her idiocy this week.  Let’s see . . . in addition to staking herself, and allowing us a glimpse at Alaric’s Chunky Monkey, she also INVITES BAD VAMPIRES INTO THE GILBERT HOME . . . like ALL THE TIME!  This time it was Elijah, who she invited in under the guise of “picking up some books,” or something lame like that.

“He can have his stinky books.  I don’t know how to read, anyway.”

As it turns out, Elijah has a little proposition for Elena, one that DEFINITELY seems to good to be true.  You see, most of us TVD fans, myself included, always assumed that Elijah was a high-ranking henchman for the Big Bad Santa Klaus . . .

But tonight we find out that those two Old Fart Vampires are kind of “on the outs.”  In fact, Elijah would very much like to stake Santa Klaus’ ass (It is Christmas, after all!)  All he wants Elena to do is stop trying to get herself killed.  And then, when the time comes, Elijah and Elena will go kill Klaus together.  If Elena goes along with this, Elijah promises to see that no harm comes to the people she cares about . . .

Yes, I’m aware that Elena cares about other people aside from Damon.  I’m just trying to make a point.  OK?  (Besides, as you can probably tell, I REALLLLLY like this picture.)

But here’s the thing, Elena is (sometimes) smarter than she looks.  And she knows that she is in the position to negotiate additional favors from the surprisingly genial vamp.  (Seriously?  Wasn’t Elijah much less of a grouch, this week?  Who knows maybe he’s also in love with Elena . . . like everybody else on this show.)  As you can probably guess, that “favor” involves a certain tomb . . .

Fake Doppelganger Tomb Sex = FAIL!

At least, we always have the GIFS!

Stefan’s and Katherine’s much anticipated tomb sex romp, ended up being nothing more than an Inception like, dream-walking exercise in fan annoyance . . .

(Heck, if Stefan had only thought to spin a top during the intercourse, the whole thing might not have happened at all . . .)

“If that was really just a dream, why do I suddenly feel like I have crabs . . .”

The whole Dream Thing really does beg the question of how much control Katherine actually has over what Stefan does and says, in the DREAM WORLD.  Could Stefan have really cheated in the tomb with Katherine (YES YES YES PLEASE YES)?  Possibly, but it probably would have taken another 140 years — long after Elena was dead and buried — for Mr. Straight and Narrow to go to bed, and for Dark Stefan to come out to play . . .

DAMMIT, GOOD STEFAN!  You just pissed off a lot of fans, and gave me the worst case of Blue Balls EVER!”

Then again . . . maybe it would happen much sooner.  After all, Katherine’ reiteration of her love for Stefan — while she’s locked in the tomb and has nothing to gain from saying it — really did seem genuine.  What also seemed genuine was Katherine’s offer of help to Stefan, in finding Klaus, and destroying the Moonstone curse, and, thereby, saving Elena’s life.  “Find Isobel . . . she’s an expert vampire history,” Katherine suggests, more or less.  “She found ME.”

Well, well, well . . . it looks like Elena’s Mommy Dearest will be making a reappearance, after all . . .

Unfortunately, for Kefan fans, we don’t really get the opportunity to find out whether Stefan will stray from Elena in 140 years.  Because, about 10 seconds later, Elijah stages a Tomb Style Jail Break for Stefan on Elena’s behalf . . .

“Rats!  Foiled again . . .”

Honestly, I’ve never seen Katherine more frightened, than she was by the arrival of Elijah.  Her terrified tears were heartening, really — much more so than the dramatic ones she shed during the Katerina episode, in my opinion.  And yet, Katherine’s fear doesn’t trump her arrogance. 

Wrongfully, assuming that she’s been sprung from the pokey too, Katherine bounds out after Stefan, only to find herself face-to-face with the compelling gaze of Elijah.  “You will stay here until I come for you,” says Elijah calmly, as Katherine’s eyes do that thing Elena’s do to show their being appropriately mesmerized . . .

Then again .  . . the guys compelling these girls are always so gosh darn hot, it’s possible that this is just “the look of love”  . . .

As Stefan leaves, Katherine pleads for him to take mercy on her soul.  “You aren’t going to leave me here alone, are you Stefan?”

Stefan ponders Katherine’s question for approximately 2.5 seconds before saying, “SEE YA, SUCKA!”

So much for being the “Safest B*tch in Town” . . .

In the last moments of the episode, we are treated to a syrupy sweet Stelena reunion, and the hints of some Stelena sex . . .

DELENA FANS:  “Rats . . . foiled again.”

Well, that was “By the Light of the Moon,” in a nutshell, folks.  Next up . . . a LOOOOOOOONG Hiatus.  New episodes of The Vampire Diaries are slated to air January 27th.  While you wait, however, feel free to enjoy over and over again, this promo for the next new episode . . .

WOAH!  Rose is going all Crazy Vampire Zombie on us!  Apparently, werewolf bites are like rabies for vampires.  So much for Damon’s “Friend with Benefits!”  Looks like its going to be Vampire Vicki all over again.  And did you catch the steamy Taroline kiss? 

SCORE!

Still thirsty for more?  Check out The Vampire Diaries season 2 marathon,starting this coming Monday on the CW.  Experience the fangtastic magic again, for the second time (and the third, and the fourth, and the fifth . . .)

See you next year, fellow Fang Bangers!

[www.juliekushner.com]

21 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Love is a Battlefield – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Sacrifice”

Oh, the games we play . . .

No matter which “Ship” you cherish, whether it be Delena (awwwwww yeah!), Kefan, Taroline, Maroline, Jonnie, or Lonnie (heck, there was even some Alarjenna in there, for crying out loud) . . . this episode had something in it to feed your specific desires.  Well . . . except for Stelena fans . . . The Sacrifice kinda sucked for you, didn’t it?

Sorry, Steffy!

And yet, in addition to being about sexual tension and foreplay, The Sacrifice was also about . . . you guessed it . . . sacrifices . . . namely the ways in which we are willing to risk our own lives and happiness for the people we love.  It’s just that . . . well . . . talking about the SEX is WAY more fun!  So, I’m probably going to focus on that part, if that’s all right with you?

Well, what are we waiting for?  LET’S DO IT! 😉

Elena Stalks Warlocks, while Jenna Eats Alaric’s Chunky Monkey

 

Oh, Useless Aunt Jenna, aside from trying to off yourself, THIS might be the most useful thing you’ve done in TWO SEASONS . . .

When the episode opens, Elena is in bed dreaming of Damon (just like I do, every night) when she is awaken by a rustling sound, and the visage of a mysterious being, hovering by her bedroom door.

“My name may be Jonas, and I may be a Brother, but this sure as hell ain’t no Camp Rock!”

Was what she saw real?  Or was it simply part of her dream?  Elena isn’t sure.  Now, if this was the film Inception, she could find out, by just spinning a top . . .

 . . . but it isn’t, so she heads down the hall to investigate.  What Elena finds, shocks her . . .

It’s Alaric, and he’s sporting some some serious wood Chunky Monkey . . .

Useless Aunt Jenna tries to feign embarrassment, over being caught in flagrante, by the teenage girl, over which she is supposed to be “legal guardian.”  And yet, Auntie J can’t seem to wipe the sh*t-eating grin off her face that says, “I TOTALLY HIT THAT!”  (Can you blame her?)

Meanwhile, Evil Jonas Brother from Another Mother is completely perving out in Elena’s room, stealing her highschool cheerleader pictures, some jewelry, a comb, and quite possibly, some “lady items.”

Elena goes to bed feeling violated.  Little does she know that having seen her sort-of mom get it on, is about to become the least of her problems . . .

Meanwhile, the Brothers Salvatore are making yet another visit to Katherine’s Tomb . . .

“Yep.  We’re Awesome!”

After spending some time “Chatting with the Kat” (This would be a great name for a talk show, by the way.), Damon and Stefan head over to Elena’s house.  When Elena opens the door and sees the brothers, she gets this big puss on her face, that makes me want to punch her a little bit.

  SERIOUSLY?  Would YOU have Puss Face, if THIS was on your doorstep?

What . . . is . . . wrong . . . with . . . this  . . . girl?

Puss Face aside, Elena ultimately invites Damon and Stefan into her home.  (She may be bratty, but is not blind, after all.)  Let the Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation ensue . . . 

Damon and Stefan explain to Elena their Grand Plan to (1) steal the moonstone from Katherine’s tomb; and (2) use Bonnie’s witchy powers to release the doppelganger damning spell from it — thereby, saving Elena’s life, in the process.  “Yep, we’re awesome,” says Damon, clearly proud of himself. 

Wouldn’t YOU be?

Alas, Wet Blankety Elena is not down with the plan.  She tells the boys that she’s not prepared to risk the lives of everyone she cares about, including the two of them.  Upon hearing Elena admit that she cares for him, Damon perks up instantly . . .

You like me!  You REALLY like me!”

And, if I’m not mistaken, I’m pretty sure I saw him do the Eye Thing, in celebration of Elena’s important declaration . . .

Speaking of Eye F*&king . . .

Screw Condoms — Witches and Warlocks Do It with THEIR MINDS!

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?”

Back at school, Bonnie and Luka are hitting on one another / talking about Witch Stuff.  Bonnie gripes that, when she tries to do important spells (like that one where she passed Elena a note, in the last episode), her nose bleeds, and she faints.  This makes her feel like a total LOSER.  Fortunately, Big Bad Warlock, Luka . . .

 . . . he of the incredibly LAME super cool Salt Lifting Powers . . .

 .  . . has a solution to this problem.  It involves Air Sex intermingling the powers of Witch and Warlock.  So, Bonnie and Luka trade necklaces, and close their eyes.  Suddenly, it’s really windy outside, and Bonnie’s breathing all heavy, and making this KILLER O FACE!

The “spell” was so intense that everyone walking within 3 miles of it got an STD!  Then Mini Gilbert shows up, wondering why he suddenly has this intense urge to smoke a cigar . . .

The answer, my friend, is blowing you in the wind . . .

Then Bonnie, who is still clutching Lukas’ balls necklace, receives a text from Damon, who, undoubtedly is wondering why all of Mystic Falls High got screwed by Bonnie’s brain, when all he got from her were a few headaches. 

Busy girl . . . that Bonnie . . .

Elena Cock Blocks Rose – YIPPEE!

This mildly homoerotic picture is for the men that read my TVD recaps .  . . all two of you . . .

When Elena arrives at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and runs into a half-naked Rose, who mistakes her for a pre-sex DAMON, I get kind of pissed off . . .

But, then, I remember that Damon is busy trying to save ELENA’S life.  And, therefore, has NO interest in screwing this vamp floozy again.  That makes me feel much better . . .

Thanks silentwilight tumblr!

As it turns out, Elena has a proposition for Rose, one that DOESN’T involve that Man Stealer getting naked with a certain Hot Vampire she secretly luuuuuuuuves!  You see, Elena has figured out that Slater (who, unbeknownst to Elena, staked himself to death, in the episode prior) has information about Klaus that he might be willing to share with Elena.

“Rose!  Your friend is super hot.  I’d totally be willing to come back from the dead . . . again . . . to see her.”

Since, unlike EVERYBODY ELSE ON THIS SHOW, Rose can give two figs whether Elena lives or dies, Elena figures she can get Rose to take her to the “Vampire Almanac.”  In return for this favor, Elena offers to get Rose a Sunscreen Ring, so that she can finally walk around in daylight, like EVERY OTHER VAMPIRE IN MYSTIC FALLS! 

 VAMPIRE FAIL!

Recognizing that there is little chance of her EVER getting screwed by Damon again (YAY!), Rose reluctantly agrees to help her much more loveable nemesis . . .

However, when Rose and Elena arrive at Slater’s house, they find him . . . sort of indisposed . . .

Oops!

As if on cue, some gothy chick named “Alice,” who looks kind of a like a Poor Man’s Lelee Sobieski, runs out of the closet, in tears . . .

Come on!  Let’s not pretend the writers had any other reason for naming the character, Alice!

Surprisingly, however, “Alice” is actually NOT a vamp.  She’s just a wanna-be, who slutted around with Slater for a bit, in hopes that he would change her into a vampire.  Knowing an opportunity when she sees one, Elena asks “Alice” to help her hack into Slater’s computer, in return for Rose turning her.  Alice agrees, and makes me giggle, by admitting that Lame-O Slater’s computer password was “Kristen Stewart.”

And . . . the annoying Twilight references continue . . .

Having become bored, looking at Vampire Porn on Slater’s laptop, Elena decides to reveal to Alice (and Rose) her real reason for wanting to see Slater.  Elena asks Alice to spread the word in Vamp Town that the Petrova Doppelganger is “alive and ready to surrender” a.k.a commit suicide, to save the rest of the cast of this show from certain death, at the hands of Santa Klaus. 

Realizing that she f*&ked up royally, and basically sucks at life / undeath, Rose immediately phones Damon, so that he can come to Elena’s rescue . . . AGAIN.

Speaking of f*&king up, royally . . .

The Werewolf Diaries

Poor Tyler!  When it comes to supernatural creatures, werewolves certainly seem to have gotten the short end of the fun stick in TVD world, haven’t they?  Think about it .  . . vampires live forever and can control people’s minds.  Witches and warlocks can have mind sex, and give people they are mad at killer migraines.  What do werewolves get, except monthly pain, hairiness, and bad tempers?  In short, being a werewolf is about as much fun as having really bad PMS . . .

After some prodding from Caroline, Tyler agrees to show her his “plan” regarding how to deal with his first wolfy transition, during the upcoming full moon.  He takes his future girlfriend down to the Lockwood Dungeon – the same place Mason chained himself, a few episodes back, and where Caroline’s mom was kept when she temporarily learned that her daughter was a vampire. 

 Truthfully, the Lockwood Dungeon looks more like an S&M Parlor than anything else, with its wide assortment of whips and chains, and deep scratches on the wall . .  .

But WAIT!  There’s MORE!  As it turns out, Mason kept . . . you guessed it . . . a DIARY.  (What is it with these Mystic Falls people and their need to chronicle every moment of their lives on paper?  And why the heck are NONE of them blogging?)

Mason’s old diary chronicles every excruciating moment of his first werewolf transformation.  The process, which takes HOURS, by the way (the werewolves in True Blood and Twilight must come with fast-forward buttons) sort of sounds to me like the way new mothers describe the birthing process — except, instead of popping out a baby, these guys just sprout hair out of their backs . . .

As if the written description wasn’t bad enough, Mason conveniently webcammed the horrifying event.  Getting a dark glimpse into his future, as he watches the “movie” with Caroline, causes tears to come to Tyler’s eyes.  “I can’t do that,” exclaims a terrified Tyler.  “Whatever that was.  I can’t go through that.”

Caroline comforts Tyler, by promsing him that he will not have to go through this alone.  In doing so, she takes on the role Stefan did for her, when she first went vamp.  Tyler is clearly appreciative.  However, before things can get too sexually intense for Baby Were and Baby Vamp, the doorbell rings.  And I bet you will never guess who it is . . . (She says, sarcastically.)

IT’S MATT!  And, SURPRISE, he wants Caroline back.  Then, in a moment that probably occurs at least once in EVERY SINGLE TV SERIES, we see Caroline and Matt close to kissing and making up, when . . . suddenly . . . Tyler is at the door too!  So, of course, Matt figures that these two are doing it, which, as we all know, they eventually will be . . .

Nevertheless, it’s nice to see Poor Matt having a potential storyline again.  It’s only taken a season and a half . . .

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Operation Save Elena AGAIN is in full effect . . .

Jonnie Be Good

“Pull my finger.”

Before Damon got Rose’s distress call, he was busy with the rest of the Scooby Gang, plotting the theft of the moonstone from Katherine’s tomb.  Damon hopes Bonnie can use her witchy powers to vampire-proof the tomb, long enough for Stefan and/or Damon to go in, grab the moonstone, and leave, before Katherine can get out.   The assumption is that Katherine, having not fed since the last episode, would be weakened, and, therefore, at a disadvantage. 

“Please!  You think I’d be able to look this good, WITHOUT skipping a few meals?  Starvation is my specialty!”

 Mini Gilbert / Scrappy Doo rationally argues that if he went into the tomb, no spell would be needed, as he is human, and, therefore would not have to worry about being locked inside.

Good boy!  Now roll over and play dead . . .

Damon, however, quickly trashes this idea, calling attention to Mini Gilbert’s youth and general wimpiness.  (I know you Jeremy Fans are TOTALLY giving me the Stink Eye, right now.  But even YOU GUYS have to admit, that, while adorable, Jeremy hasn’t exactly proven himself to be the best physical specimen, when it comes to Vampire Fighting. . . .)

“It’s OK guys . . .  getting choked and beaten up repeatedly is all part of  my Master Plan.”

“Maybe, I can better the plan,” offers Bonnie.  (Well . . . it certainly can’t get much worse than what you have now!)

Bonnie’s “plan” is to burn Katherine’s picture . . .

 . . . along with . . . if I recall . . . a necklace of hers.  By burning these objects, while closing her eyes and mumbling creepy-sounding gibberish, Bonnie can great a dust that will temporarily incapacitate Katherine — thereby, giving the Salvatores more time to enter the tomb.  Unfortunately, while performing the spell, Bonnie gets another one of her famous nosebleeds . . .

This is a sign that, either Bonnie is working too hard, or that she is secretly a Cokehead.  I haven’t decided which.  Either way, the event is significant enough to cause Loverboy Jeremy to become concerned for Bonnie’s safety . . .

Bonnie assures Jeremy that she will be just fine once she gets in contact with her drug dealer.  To prove it, she lets Jeremy smell her breath, and suck on her finger.  (I make fun, but, seriously, the scene was HOT with a capital “H.”   And I say that as someone who is NOT on Team Jonnie.)

While Bonnie is snorting cocaine distracted, Jeremy steals some of her “Magic Dust,” and skips out to Katherine’s tomb, all by his lonesome . . .

Once inside the tomb, a surprisingly resourceful Jeremy shoots a dart of some sort at Kat, and incapacitates her with the coke Magic Dust.  Katherine falls backwards, in a very dramatic, cartoon villain-esque way, allowing Jeremy to run past her into the tomb.  And just in case you didn’t know he was in danger, SCARY MUSIC begins to blast VERY LOUDLY in the background, as Jeremy tries in vain to find the moonstone.  Of course, just when he grabs hold of it, THIS happens . . .

Tastes like chicken!  (Thanks, F-yeah Steven R. McQueen Tumblr!)

While Jeremy is nursing ONE HELL OF HICKEY, Damon is rushing to Elena’s rescue.  Also, Old Vamp Elijah and Evil Jonas Brother from Another Mother are holding hands, and “conjuring” . . .

“You’re skin is so soft, Jonas.  What kind of moisturizer do you use?”

Having groped Jonas for awhile, Elijah now magically knows where Elena is “hiding.”  Hurry, DAMON!

“Get You’re Ass Out that Door, Before I Throw You Over My Shoulder, and Carry You Out!”

Yes, please!  (Thank you Delena’s DestinyTumblr!)

Damon arrives at La Casa de Dead Slater, and he looks PISSED!  He’s so pissed, in fact, that he barely notices “Alice” fawning him like a total fangirl (which, by the way, is EXACTLY how I would act in Damon’s presence).  Damon wastes no time getting up in Elena’s personal space and working his Crazy Eyes on her . . .

Those eyes were made for compellin’, and those lips were made for smoochin’!

Elena tells Damon, in no uncertain terms, that she does NOT want to be saved.  “Get your ass out that door, before I give you the best screw of your ENTIRE LIFE throw you over my shoulder, and carry you out myself,” Damon growls, his voice exuding sex.

Elena moves to slap Damon, as she has done SO many times in the past. (These two like it ROUGH!)  But Damon quickly grabs hold of her, and pulls her in closer.  Their eyes lock, as Elena struggles bodily with a stalwart Damon.  “Damon, let go of me,” she squeals.

Elena tries to wriggle out of Damon’s grasp.  But it’s completely obvious that the harder they fight one another, the more turned on they get.  Suddenly, both of their eyes are closed.  Elena’s neck is tilted upward, as Damon’s lips move closer to hers.  These two are so close to kissing you can almost taste Elena’s Lipsmackers, and the liquor-tinged blood on Damon’s hot breath.  

“Don’t ever do that again,” intones Damon, looking deeply into Elena’s eyes.    (Don’t listen to him, Elena.  DO IT AGAIN!  DO IT AGAIN!  DO IT AGAIN!)

In short, it . . . is . . . AWESOME!

Damon and Elena Mating Dance – Take TWO!

But then Slater’s cronies show up, and Elijah pops in behind them, and kills them like the Extras they clearly are . . .

And the Senseless Death Award goes to . . . Random Vampire Dudes . . .

(At some point during all of this, Rose runs away like the wimpy b*tch, she clearly is . . .)

Sayonara Sucka!  (DE-FTW Tumblr)

Damon then turns his attention to Elijah.  “I killed you.  I thought you were dead,” Damon snarks.

Then, something TOTALLY confusing happens.  Elijah runs away too!

Huh?

Later Big Bad Vamp admits to Jonas, that he realizes that Damon and Stefan would both give up their lives to keep Elena safe.  And, since it is Elijah’s ultimate goal to bring Elena to Klaus, “safe” is exactly how he wants her . . . at least, for now. 

So, in order to ensure Elena’s safety, he spared Damon’s life as well .  . . (I’m still not sure why Elijah didn’t just compel them all to give up Elena . . . but . . . whatever.)

Surprise, Surprise – Katherine’s got a Plan B . . .again

“I RULE!”

When Bonnie and Stefan arrive outside the tomb, they are surprised to find the moonstone, tauntingly tossed outside of it.  Stefan snatches it up, just as Katherine arrives, with her new hostage Jeremy under her arm.  Now, Stefan and Bonnie have the moonstone, but have to open the tomb, anyway, to rescue Jeremy, which is exactly what Katherine wants.  So, a sly Bonnie uses Luka’s necklace to channel his power, as well as hers.  She then begins attempting to open the tomb with her spell . . .

However, since this spell does not involve Mind-F*&king or Playing with Salt, Luka is not much help.  Within a few moments, Warlock Jr. is writhing on the floor of his home in pain . . .

 . . . and Bonnie’s about to pass out (AGAIN) too . . . “I can’t do it.  I’m not strong enough,” whines the Bonster, as she falls to the ground . . .

Bored of playing this game, Katherine strong arms Jeremy, and begins to walk further into the tomb.  In an impetuous moment, Stefan tackles Katherine, freeing Jeremy (which, of course, is exactly what Katherine wanted him to do).  Jeremy dashes to Bonnie’s side, as Stefan finds himself trapped in the tomb with the girl he used to screw, all those years ago . . .

(Thanks again, Steven R. McQueen Tumblr!)

Back at the Gilbert House, Bonnie and Jeremy tearfully admit to having risked their own lives to save eachother’s.  In addition to being kind of in luuuuuuuve with one another, the pair are also feeling mighty crappy about the ways in which each of their respective dumb acts, resulted in Stefan getting trapped in the tomb, as Katherine’s Sex Slave . . .

Squeeeeee!  I can’t wait until next week!

“Don’t act like this is one-sided,” demands Jeremy, moving in closer to Bonnie for the third time this hour.

Jeremy runs his hand across Bonnie’s cheek.  “You could have died today,” he whispers.

“And you almost did,” cries Bonnie.

The two move in even closer.  They are CENTIMETERS AWAY from one another now.  “I can’t,” says Bonnie inexplicably, before dashing out the door.  OUCH!

Ummm . . . Jeremy . . . I think you may have dropped these . . .

“That right there was the biggest mistake you ever made .  . .”

Awwwwww yeah . . . they’re at it again!

When Elena arrives home, and learns from Jeremy what happened to Stefan, she dashes off to the tomb, with Damon hot on her heels.  Outside the tomb, the pair bicker heatedly, like a married couple, as Stefan listens on sadly, from inside the tomb.  Damon calls out Elena for the stupid risk, she took with her life, by going to Slater’s house.  Elena responds that after all the times that Stefan and Damon have risked their lives to save hers, how could they possibly question, her decision to do the same?  (She’s kind of got a point there, Damon . . .)

In an almost complete mimic of their earlier scene, Damon and Elena begin to bodily struggle with one another again.  “Let go of me,”  Elena yelps, for the second time this hour.

Then, suddenly . . . they stop . . .

“Are you done?”  Damon asks breathily.

“Yes,” mutters Elena.

Elena tries to move away, but Damon blocks her path, moving in for a kiss AGAIN.  And . . . then she leaves . . .

When it’s all over, a saddened Stefan talks to a determined Damon across the tomb’s invisible magic divider.  Damon promises to get Stefan out.  And then Stefan asks for two more favors, which, if you know Kevin Williamson, and you’ve ever watched a little show called Dawson’s Creek, you know are going to result in BIG THINGS for Delena . . . and BAD THINGS for Stelena . . .

Pacey and Joey started out this way too . . .

Stefan asks Damon to (1) keep Elena away from the tomb; and (2) protect Elena, should anything happen to him.  Damon (as one Pacey Witter did YEARS before him) solemnly agrees to both, before exiting stage left.

A very glib Katherine then tells Stefan that he just made the biggest mistake of his life . . .

Dawson Leery agrees . . .

But Damon doesn’t think it’s a mistake at all . . .

See you next week, my fellow Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com]

24 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries

The Doppelicious Duo and a (barely there) Naked Damon – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Katerina”

ELENA:  Oh Stefan . . . It was awful!  I was busy trying to get information from Katherine about all this Doppelganger Stuff, when . . . all of the sudden . . . Damon . . . he . . . he . . .he . . . F$%KED ROSE!  *cries uncontrollably*

STEFAN:  Wait .  . . who’s Rose, again?

ELENA:  I know!  Right?

This week, on The Vampire Diaries, we made some new “friends” (most of whom were dead by the end of the episode), learned about Katherine’s origins as well as Klaus’s Evil Master Plan, and we saw some NAKED DAMON . . .

“Well, hello there, ladies!  My name is Naked Damon.  I’m a lot like regular Damon, except I’m . . . you know . . . naked and stuff.”

 . . . or at least we would have if SOMEONE wasn’t rubbing up on him, and REPEATEDLY BLOCKING OUR VIEW!

Ummm . . . Rosie . . . can I call you, Rosie?   I know you are new here.  And, perhaps, you don’t really know how these things work.  So, let me let you in on a little secret . . .cock blocking Team Delena the camera from Naked Damon, is not exactly going to endear you to fans, if you catch my drift.

So, without further adieu, let’s step WAY back in time, and review what we’ve learned.  Shall we?

It’s 1490 in Bulgaria.  Do you know where your Kat is?

The episode opens with a very human Kat giving birth to a baby (Thereby, setting into motion the chain of events that would result in Elena’s birth — roughly 500 years later – and, by extension, making possible the existence of a  television series we lovingly refer to as The Vampire Diaries).

“You’re welcome!”

Had Katherine’s parents known then, what wonderful things would ultimately result from the birth of their grandchild, they might have been a bit kinder to its mother.  Unfortunately, there was no CW in Bulgaria, back in 1490.  Therefore, all Katherine’s parents could see was their Big Slut Daughter, who got herself knocked up, without first managing to obtain the Wedding Ring that would make such a condition acceptable.  So, the PARENTS FROM HELL took Katherine’s baby away, and threw their poor teenage daughter’s ass out into the cold.  (Wow.  I can’t believe I just used the word “poor” to describe THIS GIRL . . .)

Weird . . .

Back in the Present Day . . .

Elena rings the doorbell at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  Answering the door is Damon, who is, presumably, seeing Elena for the first time, since he made his HEARTFELT, BUT COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN, CONFESSION OF LOVE to her, last week . . .

Kickass picspam brought to you by The Vampire Diaries Tumblr.

Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy this moment while it lasts.  Because this will be the ONLY TIME DAMON AND ELENA INTERACT THE ENTIRE EPISODE!

After exchanging some smouldering looks with Damon, Elena quickly enters La Casa.  And, so, the weekly Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation ensues, starring Elena, Damon, Stefan, and Evil Man Stealer! Newbie Rose.

It goes a little something like this . . .

STEFAN:  Some Big Bad Vampire named Klaus is the villain trying to kill you this week, Elena.

DAMON:  But he’s probably not real, anyway.

ROSE: Yes, he is.

DAMON:  No, he’s not.

ROSE: Yes, he is.

DAMON:  Remember last week, when I told you I loved you, Elena?  Please remember because EVERYBODY wants you to remember REALLY BADLY.

ELENA:  I do remember.  And I love you too, Honey Bun!

ELENA:  I’m bored.  Off to class!  Toodles!

“OK, is it just me, or was that TOTALLY unhelpful?”

Little do Stefan and Damon know . . .

 . . . that Elena has plans of her own, ones that don’t involve freaking out about some Big Scary Boogeyman Vampire with a Dorky Name.  Elena wants to talk to Katherine, and get the real scoop on why all those Old Fogey Vampires want her dead.  So, she enlists Caroline to help her get into the tomb. 

Honestly, you would think that Caroline would put up more of a fight over this.  Especially considering that, just two episodes ago, she and the Scooby Gang spent AN ENTIRE NIGHT trying to get Katherine into the tomb, so the Evil Vamp wouldn’t KILL ALL THEIR FRIENDS.  But no.  Caroline seems more concerned about whether Papa Stefan will yell at her and, possibly, ground her, if he finds out she deliberately disobeyed him.

“Dark Stefan is NO JOKE, Elena!  You should see what he does to those cute little defenseless bunnies . . .”

Remember back in Season 1, when the gang spent an entire episode opening the tomb, and the sheer effort of it, KILLED Poor Grandma Bennett?

“Yeah . . . that SUCKED!”

Well, Damon must have used a MUCH cheaper lock.  Because, to open the tomb this time, our girl Caroline simply has to  lift up the door of the tomb, and move it out of the way.  And yet, despite how INSANELY easy the tomb is to open, we are told that Katherine is completely incapable of leaving it, because she is agoraphobic some witchiness around the tomb keeps all vampires who enter inside it until the plot deems it convenient for them to be let out FOREVER.

Moments, after the tomb is opened, Katherine hobbles toward its exit.

We know immediately that “Tomb Life” hasn’t been easy on Katherine, because (1) the foundation she’s wearing on her face is about two shades lighter than the rest of her body (A Common Beginner’s Makeup Application Mistake, by the way); (2) her non-waterproof mascara has run, giving her raccoon eyes; and (3) she now talks all weird and whispery, like a little kid impersonating a very old lady.

Fortunately for Katherine, Elena has come bearing gifts.  She’s brought over that Big Ole Book containing Katherine’s family history, as well as some blood in an empty Poland Spring bottle, along with one of those little sippy cups that Mom’s use to give their babies cough medicine.

As it turns out, Elena wants to play a “little game” with Katherine.  Knowing the Old Vamp has not eaten in two episodes, and is starting to look slightly blood-orexic, Elena decides to give Katherine a sippy cup full of blood, for every Klaus-related fact the bloodsucker shares.  Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, right?

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Mystic Falls . . .

. . . high school has just let out for the day.  And so, Jeremy decides to commence Shameless Flirting with Bonnie Part 3.  He sees an opening, when Little Miss Klutz conveniently drops all her books on the floor.

“My Dear Maiden, it looks like you have dropped your school books.  This sounds like a job for .  . . MINI GILBERT!”

Of course, rather than offer to take the darn things off Bonnie’s hands, and carry them for her, Jeremy simply retrieves the books, and shoves them back into the witch’s wimpy arms.  (Future Boyfriend FAIL!)  Jeremy then invites Bonnie to play pool with him at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  This is when Bonnie really turns on the charm.  “Ewww Gross!  You’re my best friend’s brother!”  She tells him, more or less.

“Ooh, I love it when they treat me like crap.  Hit me, baby.  One more time!”

However, recognizing that the rest of the cast obviously has other plans, Bonnie ultimately decides to reconsider Jeremy’s offer.  So what if she’s bad at pool?  Jeremy is more than willing to help Bonnie learn her way around balls and a stick!  Speaking of “learning to drive stick,” remember this?

*Sigh*

Anyway, Jeremy’s chances of getting Bonnie in the sack seem to be REALLY looking up . . . that is, until the NEW GUY comes along.

Ahhh . . . another new character has found their way to Mystic Falls.  You know what I like to do with new characters on this show?  Find compromising pictures of them as child stars, from the early 90’s, and post them on the internet . . .

Well, hello there.  Little Richie from Family Matters!  My, have you grown!

So, New Guy Luka wants to find the school’s main office.  He introduces himself to Jeremy, who politely shakes his hand, and Bonnie, who’s so obviously hot for the guy, she nearly detaches her jaw, and swallows him whole.

“Hi Luka, my name is BoneMe . . . er . . . um . . . I mean Bonnie.”

Eager to size up his competition (and probably more even eager to separate the New Guy from the Carniverous Bonnie), Jeremy “gallantly” offers to personally direct Luka to the school’s main office.  However, before doing so, he instructs Bonnie to meet him over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls a little later.

So, Bonnie heads to the Only Bar / Social Estabishment at Mystic Falls to wait for Jeremy.  And, who should she meet there, but . . .

George Clooney?

Just kidding, it’s Luka and his dad, Jonas .  . .

Not that Jonas . . .

That’s the ONE!

Unfortunately, Papa Jonas TOTALLY pisses on his son’s game, by making some uncomfortable references to the Bennett Family’s Salem Witchy Roots. 

“OMG!  My dad is SUCH an Urkel!”

When Jeremy FINALLY arrives to retrieve Bonnie for their “date,” the Little Witch actually seems relieved to be free of Jonas and his hot son.  However, just moments later, while Jeremy is generously tutoring Bonnie in the art of fondling sticks handling a pool cue . . .

Luka butts in AGAIN.  As it turns out,  the New Guy very much wants to f*ck Bonnie, play against the winner of Bonnie’s and Jeremy’s friendly pool game.

“You know what they say . . . once you go 8-ball, you NEVER GO BACK!”

Now, unless Bonnie is the Best Pool Hustler in the World, I’m assuming she didn’t win her game against Jeremy.  So, it kind of surprised me to see a normally possessive Jeremy playing with his balls alone (um . . . I was referring to pool balls, of course), while Bonnie cuddled inside a booth with Luka, who’s father had presumably left the bar, sometime during the commercial break.

Eventually, a pissed off Jeremy leaves the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, without Bonnie, and without his balls . . .

But Bonnie doesn’t really seem to notice . . .

Luka rightly apologizes to Bonnie for how TOTALLY creepy his dad acted earlier.  You see, Luka’s dad took one look at Bonnie, and knew immediately that she was a witch.  (And she didn’t even have to give him a Massive Headache, like she usually does!  Go figure!)  Inexplicably, this supposedly made “Jonas” worry that Bonnie would “out” Luka and his dad for their magical powers. 

What magical powers, you ask?  Well, this week, we learned that Luka can . . . play with table salt?

Ummm . . . I hate to break it to you Luka, but that’s pretty much the LAMEST SUPER POWER EVER!  I mean, how exactly do you plan on defeating your enemies?  By giving them High Blood Pressure?  When Bonnie asks whether Luka is a witch, Mr. Persnickety corrects her, by saying he’s a “warlock.”

Was I the only one hoping he would say “wizard?”

What can I say?  I have a thing for guys with really big wands . . .

Katherine’s Story

Back at the tomb, Katherine is still telling her life story, in exchange for little sippy cup-sized sips of blood.  Already, she is looking healthier than she was when the episode began . . . or, at least as “healthy” as a 500-year old corpse can look.  Apparently, after being banished from Bulgaria, Katherine traveled to England and hooked up with Klaus.  (“Hooked up?”  Oooh, does this mean Klaus could be HOT?  *crosses fingers*) 

I should probably mention here, that, although he was mentioned throughout this episode, we never actually got to see Klaus.  And, until we do actually get to see him, this is how I, personally, will be picturing the Big Bad Vamp in my head . . .

Hey!  It could happen!

Despite the fact that Klaus looks suspiciously similar to Vampire Eric Northman, Katherine ultimately decided to dump him.  Don’t get her wrong, it’s not like he wasn’t a good lay or anything . . .

It’s just that he kept trying to use her as an ingredient in his recipe for Moonstone Curse Breaking Stew!  (So, NOT A TURN ON!)  Speaking of that stew, Klaus would now like to include Elena in it, which is why he is currently on the hunt for her. 

Now, just in case your interested in whipping up a batch of the delicious concoction for yourself, here are the ingredients you need to make Moonstone Curse Breaking Stew:

(1) one human Petrova Doppelganger . . .

(2) one werewolf . . .

(3) one vampire . . .

(4) one witch to recite the appropriate spell . . .

(5) and, of course, the Moonstone, itself . . .

How very convenient that the “ingredients list” for Moonstone Curse Breaking stew seems to comprise most of the supporting cast of The Vampire Diaries!

Suddenly, Katherine’s bizarro Season 2 actions make TOTAL sense!  She’s been on a Scavenger Hunt for the Moonstone Breaking Curse ingredients!  But . . . wait a minute . . .  why would Katherine want to help Klaus, if he’s been trying to kill her all these years?  As it turns out, it’s the same reason Rose and Trevor wanted to help Klaus (and his Evil Minion, Elijah) . . . freedom from persecution.

But, perhaps, I’m getting ahead of myself . . .

Back in 1490 England, an on-the-run, a still-human Katherine caught the eye of a familar face . . .

You guys remember Trevor, right?  That Hot Mental Midget who kidnapped Elena, and literally “lost his head,” as a result?  Well, apparently, that dude used to be in love with Katherine.  (Because, as we all know, it is in Nina Dobrev’s contract that every male character on this show, MUST fall in love with one of her two characters, at least once each season).

“What can I say?  My milkshake brings all the vamps to the yard .  . .”

So, Trevor sends Katherine to his vampire buddy Rose’s cottage, assuming that she will be safe from Klaus there.  But Rose isn’t having it.  She wants to take Katherine back to Klaus ASAP.  So Katherine wounds herself fatally, while Rose isn’t looking.  “I’d rather die, than go back to Klaus,” Katherine explains.

“OK . . . now I am deeply hurt.”

Knowing full well that Klaus’ recipe requires the sacrifice of a LIVE Petrova, not a dead one, Rose refuses to let Katherine die.  So, she cuts open her wrist, and shoves her vampiric blood down Katherine’s throat to heal her.  However, since Rose is nowhere NEAR as smart, as I thought she was last week, she walks away AGAIN.  This gives Katherine just enough time to hang herself.

When Katherine reawakens from death (due to having Rose’s blood in her system) she promptly drinks the blood of Rose’s human housemaid.  And POOF, an EVIL VAMPIRE BIATCH is born!

“What’s new, Pussy Kat?”

You see, as I mentioned earlier, the Moonstone Curse Breaking stew requires a live human Petrova doppelganger, since an original Petrova’s sacrifice was what sealed the curse in the first place.  (The Petrova doppelgangers themselves were “created” as part of the original curse, to continually give vampires, and werewolves (?) the opportunity to try and break the curse)  Since Katherine is no longer “living” or “human,” she no longer fits the requirements of the recipe.

Upon returning to Rose’s cottage and learning what happened, a poor lovesick Trevor is kind of hurt that Katherine would rather Go Vamp, than spend a life time as his human pet.  He also recognizes that, thanks to Katherine’s transformation under their watch, he and Rose will now have targets on their backs for the rest of eternity. 

“Oops, did I do that?”

Better you die, than I,” scoffs the uber selfish Katherine, before dashing out of the cottage at new, Super Vamp speed.

In fact, she “runs” all the way back to her birth home in Bulgaria.  When we see her next, it is 1492.  Columbus has sailed the ocean blue, and Katherine has sailed right into THIS . . .

Hey, I have something just like this hanging on MY WALL at home!

That’s right, boys and girls.  Klaus murdered Katherine’s entire family (but obviously, not her baby . . . or else we all wouldn’t be here).  When Katherine assumed she could disobey Klaus, go vamp, and get off scot free, she was WRONG.  You see, Katherine had seriously underestimated Klaus’ penchant for REVENGE. 

We see the seemingly stone-hearted Katherine break down in tears, as she mourns the death of her parents.  I mean, sure, they were A**holes, who took away her kid and kicked her out of the house, when she was still a teenager.  But they were her a**holes.  And for the first time ALL season, I found myself feeling just a smidgeon sorry for Katherine.

I KNOW!  Crazy, right?

“You have a friend?”

While Elena is chilling with Doppelicious, Caroline is busy trying to keep Stefan from figuring out where Elena is, and what she’s doing.  So, Caroline decides to invite Stefan to . . . SURPRISE, SURPRISE . . . the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.

“Oh, COME ON, Caroline!  This is the best you can do to distract me?  You couldn’t have taken me to a strip club, or something?”

Hoping to keep Stefan’s mind occupied on something other than Elena’s absence, Caroline admits to telling New Werewolf Tyler that she’s a vampire. 

To his credit, Papa Stefan keeps his cool about Caroline’s admission.  However, he can’t help but patronizingly lecture her about what a risk she was taking, by doing that.  In a very sweet moment that totally embodies the relationship these two have with eachother, Caroline wonders why Stefan seems to be always looking out for her.  Stefan admits that Caroline reminds Stefan of an old friend of his.

“You have a friend?”  Caroline snarks.

“Her name is Lexie,” Stefan replies.

Poor Dead Lexie . . . here’s hoping Caroline doesn’t suffer the same miserable fate . . .

Caroline tries to keep stalling Stefan, by admitting that she wants to help Tyler confront his First Full Moon.  However, the always-obsessive Stefan just isn’t having it.  He wants his Elena, and he wants her NOW, DAMMIT!

“Stop yammering, and give me my girlfriend, you B*TCH!”

But the increasingly loyal Caroline holds her ground, explaining to Stefan that while she does consider Stefan a friend, Elena is her friend too.  And she refuses to betray Elena.  Annoyed at not getting his way, Stefan stomps off.  But it doesn’t really matter.  Stefan has already figured out what Elena has done.  And he is PISSED!

Back in Tomb Town .  . .

Katherine has told Elena that Klaus will most certainly kill her, unless, of course, she goes vamp, like Katherine herself did, all those years ago.  To prove her point, Katherin cuts her wrist and offers it up to Elena to drink . . .

But Elena’s too wimpy to do a cool thing like that.  (I know, I know . . . I love her too . . . but you have to admit, she’s not exactly a Fly By the Seat of Her Pants, kind of Bad Girl). 

“Hey!  I can be BAD.   Just last night, I went to bed without brushing my teeth!”

Stefan arrives, just as Katherine is telling Elena that Klaus will kill everyone she loves, if she doesn’t die at his hand.

Stefan tries to tell Elena that Katherine is a Big Fat Liar, but Katherine won’t let him.  “Face it, Stefan, [Elena] is doomed.  There is nothing you can do to stop it,” she insists.

And yet, there might be SOMETHING they can do . . . It is then that Katherine reveals her hidden bargaining chip, namely, the Moonstone .  . .

Stefan, of course, is FURIOUS that Katherine has once again so thoroughly manipulated him.  “You Manipulative Psychotic B*tch!”  Stefan seethes.

“That’s my name.  Don’t wear it out!”

As it turns out, although Stefan is right about Katherine manipulating the Scooby Gang, he is wrong about her ultimate motive.  You see, contrary to what Stefan thinks, Katherine didn’t take the moonstone to bargain her way out of the tomb.  In fact,  Katherine doesn’t want out of the tomb AT ALL.  Because, the tomb is the only place where Klaus can’t get her.  “[In here] I’ll be the safest Psychotic B*tch in town,” Kat concludes.

On their way home from the tomb, Dr. Stefan, who’s ALWAYS up for the Sharing of Sappy Feelings, forces Elena to open up about what just went down.  “Don’t shut me out,” he pleads with her.

Eventually, a tearful Elena breaks down, admitting that she was wrong in thinking that it was the Salvatore brothers’ arrival in Mystic Falls that put all of Elena’s friends in danger.  “All of this is because of me,” explains Elena sadly.

“Well DUHHHH!”

As nice of a guy as he is, Stefan can’t bring himself to lie to Elena, and tell her that what she just said isn’t true.   Because it TOTALLY is!  So, he just gives her a sweet hug instead . . .

Damon takes another Road Trip . . .

While Elena is engaging in a Battle of Wits with Katherine (and losing terribly), Damon is back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome with Rose.

Of course, like EVERYBODY ELSE ON THIS SHOW, Rose, within minutes of meeting Damon, instantly recognizes his love for Elena.  “I’m not in love with anyone,” Big Fat Liar Damon replies, getting up in Rose’s face just to prove how NOT in love he really is . . .

But enough of this mushy stuff. especially since Elena is not there!  After Rose admits to Damon that she summoned Old Vamp Elijah (who they both mistakenly think is dead) through a vampire friend living in Richmond, Damon suggests a road trip to visit this friend.  Rose gently reminds Damon that, unlike him, SHE does not have an Ugly Ass Sunscreen Ring to help her brave the sun.  This will make travel kind of difficult for her.

Well GEEZ, Rose!  How have you been on Earth 500 years, and never once thought to get yourself an Ugly Ass Sunscreen Ring?  VAMPIRE FAIL!

Nevertheless, Damon and Rose somehow make it to Richmond, without Rose burning to a crisp unfortunately.  There, they find this funky little cyber cafe, that LOOKS like it is completely sun exposed, but actually isn’t.    (Don’t ask.)  There, they meet Slater, Contacter of Elijah . . .

Though Slater is a vampire, he actually more closely resembles that DONKEY THING from The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe . . .

He also takes the term “Professional Student” to a whole new level, having earned as many as 18 undergraduate degrees in varying subjects, and a few post-graduate ones, during his vampire life.  To me, Slater comes off as kind of a plot device know-it-all, rattling off to Damon and Rose an explanation as to why Klaus wants to break the Moonstone Curse. 

If you recall from earlier episodes, the Moonstone Curse keeps vampires from being able to travel in sunlight, and keeps werewolves turning wolfish, every full moon.  If one species breaks the curse, his or her whole race is free of it, while the opposing race will be bound by the curse forever. 

Honestly?  I’m not quite sure why it would be SO important for Klaus to break the curse at all, especially since Old Ass Vamps like him and Elijah seem to have no trouble walking in the sun, ANYWAY.  However, I have never been one to sass my elders.  So, I will not judge Klaus.  I’m sure he has good reason for doing what he’s doing.  (That . . . and he’d probably eat me, if he found out I was dissing on his motives).

But you know who I WILL diss on?  Slater.  You know how he contacts the Big Bad Elijah?  He puts ads on CRAIGS LIST!  Umm . . . yeah . . . I can’t really think of anything that says “Cool Vampire” less than Craigs List Old Ass Vampire Wanted posts.  Then again, no one ever said Slater was a Cool Vampire.

“Coolness is overrated, anyway!”

Unfortunately, Slater doesn’t have very much time to prove his “coolness,” because Elijah’s outside “playing with his coins.”

And, for reasons, I don’t quite understand, that causes this to happen . . .

Now exposed to the sun and STILL without Ugly Ass Sunscreen Rings to protect them, Slater and Rose are suddenly in very serious risk of having their faces turn to THIS . . .

But, fortunately, SUPER DAMON is there to rescue them!

Well, at least he’s there to rescue Rose, by picking her up, wrapping her in his coat, and gallantly carrying her to safety.    (Slater, he just kind of leaves alone to rot . . . Oops.)

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon is drinking as per usual . . .

And Rose is talking about her feelings, also as per usual.  Somehow this leads to talk of turning off feelings, which leads to Damon and Rose having sex . . .

You see this picture?  It DIDN’T come from this episode.  You wanna now why?  Because we BARELY saw Damon shirtless in this episode, despite the fact that he . . . HAD SEX DURING IT.  You wanna know why?  Because ROSE WAS ALWAYS IN THE WAY!

You can cry all you want, Rose.  It’s not going to get you off my poopy list, any faster . . .

In a state of post coital numbness bliss, Rose and Damon talk about how, despite their assertions to the contrary, vampires can’t really turn off their feelings.  You know what that means, don’t you?

Oh, yeah!  It’s still on, Delena fans!

At the end of the episode, Slater calls Rose, and tells her to tell Damon that they need a witch to break the Moonstone Curse.  Later, we find out that Slater was compelled to say that.  That’s right, boys and girls, Old Ass Vampires Like Elijah can compel younger vampires!

(This kind of makes me wonder why Elijah didn’t use compulsion the first time, he tried to  kidnap Elena and met with vampiric opposition.  But again, I don’t sass my elders, so . . .)

Elijah then compels Poor Slater to kill himself.

And it’s weird.  Because, before he stakes himeslf, Slater KNOWS he’s being compelled to do it.  So, he repeatedly says very Meta things like.  “You’re compelling me to kill myself now.  I don’t really want to kill myself.  But I will, because you are making me.  Here I go . . . killing myself . . . almost dead . . . almost . . . yeah, I’m dead.”

Knowing you’re being compelled, but not being able to fight it . . . Now that’s gotta suck. something FIERCE!

Did I mention that Elijah is in league with Luka’s creepy dad, Jonas the Warlock?

I KNEW I didn’t like that guy for a reason!  Well, I hope you’re still cool, Little Richie from Family Matters . . .

While, there wasn’t NEARLY enough Delena in this episode for it to rank on my list of favorites, it does present some interesting plot points for the rest of the season.  And it’s going to make the upcoming TVD hiatus seem all the more interminable.  Hopefully, however, Naked Damon will help us cope, during this tough time.

[www.juliekushner.com]

23 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries