I Wanna Sex Ed You Up! – A Recap of Glee’s “Sexy”

During the last episode of Glee, we learned that alcohol is fun.  But if you drink it at school, you WILL projectile vomit all over your friends in a public setting.  And if you drink too much of it, you will drunk dial your ex, or, maybe, accidentally, your greatest enemy, and tell them that you were thinking about boning them, while riding a bull . . .

This week, we learned that sex is fun.  But there are “feelings” involved.  And you shouldn’t make sex tapes, if you are under 18.  Oh, also, wear condoms.  Because everyone has . . . a “RANDOM.”

And they said Glee wasn’t educational!

So, slip into something “more comfortable,” dim the lights, and snuggle up under the covers, with you know WHO . . .

 . . . because it’s time to get “Sexy.”

You Put Your Chastity Charm WHERE?

The episode begins at a meeting of the McKinley High Chastity Club . . . well, I use the term “club” loosely.  Since, at least at the beginning of the episode, the “club” only has three members.  And one of those members pretty much gets humped at least twice every episode . . .

Those balls won’t be blue for LONG!

Emma, the MARRIED 30-year old sex abstainer, seems vehement about fellow members, Rachel and Quinn, avoiding sexual activity for as long as humanly possible.  (Hate to break it to you, Emma.  But for the GIRL WHO HAD A BABY, that ship has sailed . .  . around the world . . . three times . . . and sank into the ocean.)  The problem with Emma’s celibacy speech, is that it seems less designed to keep her students safe, and more designed to keep them virginal, simply so SHE doesn’t feel “left out.”

More inspired than Emma’s speech, however, are the “chastity charms” she gives members of the Celibacy Club, and, it seems, anyone else who wants one.  The charms feature a heart-shaped locket and a key.  Of course, Emma is horrified when she learns that the charms are being used as nipple rings . . .

“Omigod!  They look like cow udders!”

Really, McKinley High students?  Because, honestly, I can think of a WAY more appropriately symbolic place to hang your chastity charm than on your boob, if you catch my drift . . .

In the student lounge at lunch time, Emma complains to Will and Beiste about the alarming sluttiness of the student body.  Cue the very slutty entrance of Holly Holiday a.k.a Gwyneth Paltrow a.k.a. McKinley High’s New Substitute Sex Ed Teacher . . .

Now, cue the 21-Gun Salute that takes place in Will’s pants . . .

Like Emma, Holly is also concerned with her students’ relationship with sex, namely, their lack of knowledge about it.  Through a flashback, we see Holly showing her class how to put a condom on a cucumber.  “Wait . . . cucumbers can give me AIDS?” Finn inquires nervously.

Beware the Evil Aids-Giving Cucumber.

Emma and Holly then get into an argument about the proper way to teach kids about sex.  Emma believes in NOT teaching them, and, instead, preaching abstinence.  Holly argues that celibacy for teens and married 30-year old guidance counselors is simply not realistic.  However, if you are open and honest with students about sex, they can make better decisions relating to it.  Holly then tells the crew that she is “off to have crazy sex, because she is crazy informed about it.”

Upon hearing this, Will gets down on all fours, and starts panting like a dog . . .

Schuester LIKE!

OH NO!  NOT ANOTHER PREGNANCY STORYLINE!  Oh . . . wait . . . nevermind.

Back at school, Santana wants to spend an evening sharing Lady Kisses and watching Sweet Valley High with Brittany, even though I’m pretty sure that show hasn’t been on television in about 10 years.  (Maybe one of the Glee writers was a fan?)  But, unfortunately, Britt can’t hang, because she thinks she’s pregnant . . .

“OH NO, NOT AGAIN!”

Of course, rumors of Britt’s Shocking Pregnancy spread around the Glee club, like wildfire.  But when Brittney explains that the REASON she think she’s pregnant is that there is a “stork’s nest outside her bedroom window,” Will comes to the shocking realization that Holly was right.  His students are TOTALLY clueless about sex!  And so, he puts on a ridiculous-looking leotard, and asks Holly for help.  (Note:  I couldn’t find a a screencap of Will in his nut-hugger.  Suffice it to say, he looked a lot like this . . .)

Holly decides that singing a sexual song to the Glee kids, while dressed in a trampy outfit, and humping chairs, is the best way to teach them the birds and the bees. 

So, after a very brief introduction .  . .

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 . .  . she launches into a rockin’ rendition of the song “Do You Wanna Touch Me?” 

The moral of this song, of course, is McKinley High apparently has NO school dress code whatsoever wear a RUBBER,  BOYS!  Because everyone has “A Random!”

Practice Makes Perfect Sex Faces . . .

We find Blaine and Kurt at . . . SURPRISE . .  . the coffee shop!  (Man these two consume a lot of caffeine!)  Sue Sylvester stalks them there, and inexplicably tells them that they have to sing a sexy song in order to be relevant to the episode’s theme the McKinley High kids are upping their sex appeal.  So, if the Warblers want to win Regionals, they will have to do the same . . .

But what do the Warbler boys know about being sexy?  After all, most of them haven’t seen a FEMALE in about four years, let alone “wet hugged” one!  So, Blaine decides to invite over some females from the local girl school to “test the waters” . . .

I bet there are about EIGHT porno films that begin just like this . . .

With their human sexy barometers in place, the Dalton boys begin rocking out to “Animal” . .  . and . . . SURPRISE . . . Blaine’s got the solo . . . again!  But wait . . . Kurt’s there too!

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But . . . why does Kurt look like he has to pee?

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Perhaps, it has something to do with all the water . . .  and foam . . . and Warbler “Wet Hugs” . . .

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You can watch the Warblers, in all their humpy, soapy, animal-y goodness, right here:

After the number, Kurt and Blaine are alone together again. (Does anyone else notice how, ever since Kurt arrived at Dalton, Blaine has stopped hanging out with any of the other Warblers?  Interesting  . . .)  Blaine starts having hot horny bunny sex with Kurt wants to know why Kurt was making all those weird faces during the performance?  Kurt explains that those were his “sexy” faces.  So, Blaine asks to see them up close, so that he can judge for himself . . .

Unfortunately, for Kurt, his “sex faces” don’t really make Blaine want to give him a “Wet Hug.”   Rather, they remind him of someone who has gas . . .

For what it’s worth, I disagree with Blaine.  I think Kurt’s “Sex Face” looks more like a cross between Derek Zoolander . . .

 . . . and Charlie Sheen . . .

Either way . . . NOT SEXY!

The problem, of course, is that Kurt has NO sexual experience, whatsoever.  I mean, his idea of a hot porno is the Dalton Academy’s production of Sound of Music . . .

Blaine figures,  if he ever plans to “Wet Hug” with Kurt, he’d better nip this issue in the weiner . . . FAST.  And so he attacks the problem at its source, by visiting Kurt’s dad . .  .

Blaine starts by telling Burt how envious he is of the great relationship he and Kurt share.  (I think most of us are a bit envious of that, actually.)  Then he lets the other shoe drop.  If Burt doesn’t hurry up and give Kurt the “birds and the bees ” talk, there’s a good chance that his son will learn about sex from boning Blaine by watching those Eating Out movies they are always showing on the Logo channel, late at night . . .

As a straight girl, can I tell you?   These are SO HOT!  (The acting is usually crap, of course.  But, let’s be honest.  That’s not why you’re watching.)

So, Burt, being the kickass dad he is, goes out and picks up some pamphlets.  And then he tells his son that it’s time for The Talk . . .

Needless to say, Kurt is not particularly receptive, at first.  But then Burt reigns him in by giving him the BEST SEX TALK EVER!  I mean seriously, if I ever have kids, THIS is the Sex Talk, I’m going to give them . . . well . . . maybe a slightly modified version . . .

Here are the highlights:

“You know, when you’re intimate with somebody in that way, you’re exposing yourself.  You’re definitely going to be more vulnerable. And that scares the hell out of a lot of guys. . . . Once you start doing this stuff, you’re not going to want to stop. You just . . . You’ve got to know that it means something.  It’s doing something to you, to your heart, to your self-esteem.  Even though it feels like you’re just having fun.  Kurt, when you’re ready, I want you to be able to do everything.  But when you’re ready, I want you to use it as a way to connect to another person. Don’t throw yourself around like you don’t matter. Because you matter, Kurt.”

All together now, “AWWWWWWWWWWWW!”

(Did you ever wish you could hug someone through your television screen?  Because that’s what I wanted to do to Burt Hummel, after this scene was over.)

In other Sexy news . . .

“You’ve just been Zized!”

So, Puck wants to star in a sex tape .  . .

. . . with Lauren Zizes . . .

Apparently, this is all part of  Lauren’s “big plan” to be “famous,” like the “Kardashians,” and have her “own reality show” with a “clever tagline” :  “You’ve just been Zized.”

The most bizarre part of this whole storyline for me (aside from the obvious, of course) was that Puck and Lauren “researched” their sex tape, by watching other sex tapes on the internet in the SCHOOL LIBRARY.  (Public School FAIL!)   They also conveniently told Ms. Holiday about their plans, when she caught them in the act . . . of watching the tapes.  (What did you think I was going to say?)

Holly helpfully informed the budding new couple that, if they made a sex tape, they would both be guilty of CHILD PORN.  Having been accused of being a creepy pedophile by his OWN SEX ED teacher, a clearly traumatized Puck finds himself, for the first time in his life, NOT WANTING TO HAVE SEX!

You would think that GETTING A GIRL PREGNANT last season would have the same effect on him  . . . but no.

So, Puck joins the Celibacy Club . . .

 . . . which seriously pisses off his horndog girlfriend . . . that is, until she learns that he “like, cares about her . . . and stuff.”

PUCK:  “Haha, my evil plan has worked!  I am so getting laid tonight!”

Meanwhile . . .

Boys are like Wasa Crackers.

Best . . . product placement . . . EVER!

Ahhh . . .  Will Schuester . . .  such a martyr.  Once again he is trying to get laid . . . to educate his students, of course!  So, being the “Swell Guy” he is, The Schue commandeers Holly for a little musical number, specifically, a tango, to the tune of Prince’s Kiss . . .

You can tell immediately that Will is extremely aroused during this performance.  For starters, his singing voice gets so high that you literally can’t tell it apart from Holly’s.  (Yes, I realize that Prince, himself, had a high voice.  And that this was the whole point of the musical number . . . But I still found it bizarre.  Sorry!)

The dancing was pretty hot, though!  Watch, and you’ll see what I mean . . .

After the number, Will takes the opportunity to ask a sweated up Holly Holiday on a date.  And she TURNS HIS ASS DOWN!

“I break Nice Guys like you, like Wasa Crackers,” Holly explains.  “You married your high school sweetheart, and then went out with a virgin,” Holly notes, adding insult to injury.   (You’ve got to admit.  Girlfriend’s got a point!) 

Speaking of virgins . . .

Emma has herself an Afternoon Delight . . .

Concerned that Holly’s teachings are only offering teens one viewpoint about sex, Emma decides to lead the Celibacy Club in their own musical number, to illustrate an alternate way of thinking.  With the help of Rachel, Quinn, new Celibacy Club member, Puck, and her new husband, Carl,  Emma performs “Afternoon Delight.”

Watching this not-very-good musical number, I must admit that I was . . . confused.  To give you an idea of  just how confused I was, here are some of the recapping notes I took, during the performance:

-Why are they singing Afternoon Delight?  Is the choice of song supposed to be ironic in some way?  Wouldn’t a song like Meatloaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” a.k.a. A Cautionary Tale About Car Sex, be more appropriate for this purpose?

-Why are there pictures of dessert in the background?  That’s kind of kinky!

-Why are they dressed like THAT?

-Why is Emma so friggin annoying?   I kind of feel like the Emma character unintentionally functions as the Poster Child for Teen Sex.  In other words, “have sex young, or you will end up like Emma.”  Way to send positive messages, GLEE!

Of course, after the musical number, all is explained.  (Well . . . almost all.)  You see, apparently, Afternoon Delight, is not just a euphemism for “sex on your lunch hour,” it is also . . . a DESSERT, which, when you think about it, is kind of fitting! 

Later, Carl and Emma decide to visit Holly for some much-needed “couples’ counseling.”

As it turns out, these two have been married for HALF A YEAR, and still have NEVER HAD SEX WITH ONE ANOTHER!  See what I mean . . . about the whole Giving Virgins a Bad Name thing?  I mean, “waiting until marriage” is one thing . . . waiting until your Golden Anniversary, is quite another.  In the words of Jesse from Full House, himself.   “Have MERCYYYYYY!”

I’ll admit I made this exact same face, while I was watching this scene.

Holly perceptively figures out that Emma’s longstanding love for Will, might be the glue that’s keeping her legs together.  When Holly suggests as much to Emma, the latter can’t deny it.  The realization forces Carl to storm out of the room, and possibly the marriage . . . something a Smart Guy would have done SIX MONTHS AGO . . .

“I could have told him THAT!”

In completely unrelated news, that doesn’t fit anywhere else in this recap . . .

 . . . these two doofuses are making monkey again.  (I wonder where SHE hung HER Chastity Charm?)

Speaking of making monkey . . .

Brittana Experiences a Landslide of Emotions

Last we checked, Brittany was dating Artie.  And Santana was dating Sam.  But that’s not stopping these two former Cheerios from boning in Santana’s bedroom on a fairly regular basis . . .

But don’t worry, guys!  It’s not cheating, if the “plumbing is different!”  At least, that’s what Santana says!  (Speaking of which, I have a clogged toilet that needs fixing.  Now, I know who to call!)

In a surprisingly coherent post-coital moment, Brittany complains to Santana that all they do is bone.  And they never talk about their feelings.  But Santana is not exactly the sharing type.  And she tells Brittany as much.  Nevertheless, the girls decide to visit Holly Holiday for their own version of couples’ counseling.   So, Holly plops the pair down in a Sexy Sharing Circle . . .

. .  . and asks them if they think they might be lesbians.  The Sharing Scene, by the way, is accompanied by Rotating Camera Shots, which always make me dizzy and slightly nauseous.  This scene was no exception.  (WHY MUST SHOWS ALWAYS DO THIS?  WHY?!)

Anywhoo . . . since the girls can’t articulate their feelings for one another, Holly suggests they sing about it.  And they do . . . with Holly’s help, of course. Because, apparently, it is in Gwyneth’s contract that she must perform at least three musical numbers during each Glee episode in which she appears to prove that she is a “Real Artist” . . . or something.  So, Holly sings “Landslide,” while the two besties exchange tearful and longing looks with one another.  It’s kind of heartbreaking, really.

At the end of the number, Brittany and Santana share a hug, laced with emotion and symbolism . . .

Upon seeing this, Sam turns to Artie and says that he wishes that the two of them can have a relationship as close as the one their respective girlfriends share . . .  (And you’ve gotta love the latent homoeroticism in THAT!)

After class, Santana confronts Brittany by the lockers.

She then tearfully explains to Brittany that she loves her, and wants to be with her, and ONLY her.  In fact, Santana has wanted this for a long time, but was afraid of what people would say about her behind her back, if she submitted to these desires.  Brittany admits to Santana that she loves her too, and would totally be with her . . . if it weren’t for Artie.

Oooops!

“Whoever thought being fluid would mean you could be so stuck,” Santana explains morosely.

Brittany then moves in to hug her again, but a heartbroken Santana pushes her away. 

It was a powerful scene.  One that was beautifully acted by both Naya Rivera and Heather Morris.  It’s refreshing to see these two actresses finally getting the chance to display themselves as more than just The Comic Relief.  And I hope we get to see more scenes like this between them in the future.

In other news, Will and Holly made out at the end of this episode.  Now, they are dating.  Zzzzzzzzzzzz  Yippee!

Next week on Glee, New Directions heads to Regionals with “Original Songs.”  You can watch the promo for the episode here:

See you then, my fellow Gleeks!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Drunk People . . . Singing – A Recap of Glee’s “Blame it On the Alcohol”

Sunglasses = The Ultimate Hangover Accessory

This week’s installment of Glee was kind of like a weekend-long, alcohol-fueled bender.  It was random, plot-free, only mildly coherent, embarrassing, vomit-filled, and, yet . . . at the same time . . . AWESOME!

So, fill up those shot glasses, turn on some Ke$ha, and get ready to make out with someone completely inappropriate, because it’s time for a GLEECAP!

Everybody in the School, Get Tipsy!

When the episode begins, Principal Figgins (or, as I like to call him, The Fig) is, once again, in need of Mr. Schuester’s help.  Apparently, McKinley High’s alcohol content has recently skyrocketed to Charlie Sheen-type levels.  The entire student body is walking around blitzed on Four Loko, cheap beer, and Mike’s Hard Lemonade (a.k.a. The Good Stuff).  To combat this trend, The Fig wants The Schue and his Glee kids to perform a song about “the Dangers of Drinking” at the school’s “Alcohol Awareness Assembly.”

Normally, The Schue would welcome this opportunity!  The problem is that lately he has become DEPRESSED.  And, why not?  He’s lonely and divorced.  The object of his affections is house hunting with her faux-husband, Jesse from Full House (Have MERCY!).  And .  . . well . . . actually, I’m not sure what it is about THIS week that is making Will so much more miserable than usual.  I mean, his life is the same degree of sucky that’s it’s been for about four episodes now!  But it’s important to the plot that he be “depressed.”  So, we’ll deal . . .

Always one to rub Will’s face in things, Sue materializes to tell Will that Alcohol Awareness Week will most certainly send our favorite Spanish Teacher straight to the Drunk Tank.

Now that you mention it Sue, a Rehab-themed episode of Glee would be FABULOUS.  Just imagine all the Special Guest Stars we’d get to see!

But enough about those BORING teachers!  We want to see some GLEE KIDS GET WRECKED!

Rachel Berry’s House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza!

Poor Rachel!  She had such good intentions.  There she is, just minding her own business, trying to create an original song for Regionals, when a (very hot) Mohawked-devil LITERALLY appears on her shoulder, and tries to convince her to throw a party at her house, while her two dads are on vacation.  Rachel initially rebuffs Puck’s offer.  But there’s nothing like a Really Bad Musical Performance to drive our diva heroine straight to the bottle . . .

Truth be told, Rachel’s “Original” single, “My Headband,” probably isn’t going to make it on to the Top 100 Itunes Downloads this week.  And yet SOME might have found it inspiring!

Unfortunately, for Rachel, Finn is more of a pigtail-type guy, and, therefore, doesn’t show Rachel’s ode to headgear the love that it deserves.  Rachel realizes that the reason she can’t come up with an “inspired” original song is that she has no “life experience.”  She has never even TASTED ALCOHOL BEFORE!  And so, our girl decides to throw a house party, after all, and invite “all of her friends” i.e. the Glee Club and Blaine.

The Glee crew is skeptical at first, as to whether Rachel will truly be able to “throw down” with the rest of them.  And yet, they all ultimately decide to attend, looking forward to the Massive Trainwreck that will inevitably result .  . .

Doesn’t this screenshot kind of look like one of those Sex Hotline ads you usually see on TV at 3am?  Justin sayin’

As expected, the party gets off to a pretty lame start, with Rachel, clad in a what looks like my grandma’s nightgown, pawning off wine coolers on her guests, and threatening to involve them in a game of “Celebrity.”

Oh, Rachel!  Hasn’t having two gay dads taught you ANYTHING about fashion?

Once Puck convinces Rachel to let him break into the liquor cabinet, however, things pick up, rather quickly.

We are treated to a fun little Drunk Party Montage, to the tune of Far East Movement’s G6, as Designated Driver Finn generously gives us all a tutorial on the “Different Types of Drunk People.”  (Who said you couldn’t learn anything from Glee?)

Which type are YOU?

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Angry that Finn has dubbed her Needy Drunk, Rachel sets out to prove how very UN-needy she is, by setting up a game of Spin the Wine Cooler Bottle.  To everyone’s surprise, the hottest kiss of the night actually belongs to . .  RACHEL AND BLAINE?

Sexual orientation aside, these two are actually kind of smokin’ together.  For one thing, they look like FRATERNAL TWINS! (Wait .  . . ewwww . . . nevermind.  That’s not awesome AT ALL!) 

Honestly, am I the only one who thinks Drunk Blaine and Drunk Rachel are WAY MORE FUN, and WAY LESS ANNOYING / JUDGEMENTAL than Sober Blaine and Sober Rachel?  I didn’t think so .  . .

“Your face tastes awesome,” slurs Rachel in Blaine’s ear.  (YAY, Cannibalism!)

After swapping spit and gnawing on one another’s faces for a good twenty seconds, while a dejected Kurt looks on miserably, Rachel and Kurt segway immediately into an impromptu duet of The Human League’s “Don’t You Want Me?” 

Considering how COMPLETELY FUBAR-ed these two individuals supposedly are, the resulting performance is surprisingly good!  See for yourself . . .

Unfortunately, we don’t get to actually see the rest of the party.  However, we can assume that the night went pretty well, when we see Kurt’s dad Burt (who NEVER TAKES OFF HIS BASEBALL CAP, by the way.  What’s up with that?) barge into Kurt’s bedroom the next morning, only to find THIS GUY in there  . . .

“WAY TO GO, KURT!  (My son is a TOTAL PIMP!)”

“The Hair of the Dog that Bit Yo Ass”

Despite the party having taken place on Friday night, the Glee kids are all conveniently still completely hungover by Monday.  (LIGHTWEIGHTS!)  The experience of being hungover has somehow converted Artie into Chris Rock.  So, he informs the rest crew, in a RIDICULOUS accent, that they should all join him for some Bloody Marys, a.k.a. “The  Hair of the Dog that Bit Yo Ass.”

Cut to the once-again inebriated Glee kids performing “Blame it on the Alcohol” for Mr. Schue in the school auditorium, while swaying back and forth on Rotating Red Leather Furniture(?).  Seriously?  What kind of BUDGET does the Glee Club have that they get these type of props?  At my high school, musical performances in the auditorium always featured the exact same scenery:  Hand-Drawn Smiley Faces on Posterboard . . .

The Schue, who apparently has NO SENSE OF SMELL WHATSOEVER, and is also a moron, can’t tell his own students are wasted.  They are just REALLY GOOD ACTORS.  (De-Nial ain’t just a river in Egypt, Schuester!)  And yet, Will wonders whether this Jaime Foxx ditty glorifies drinking a bit TOO much to be performed at the Alcohol Awareness Ceremony.

You be the judge .  . .

The Schue Gets Sloshed

Tired of listening to Will’s nonstop “wah-wahing” about how sucky his life is (Aren’t we ALL?), The Schue’s new bestie, The Beiste, decides to take the Glee Club advisor out for a night of hard drinking, bull riding, and cheesy line dancing.  The pair even get up on stage and sing a duet of that countrified ode to wasted-ness, “One Bourbon, One Shot, One Beer.”

This would all be well and good, except for the fact that Will still has Spanish tests to grade . . .

“Que HAGO Uds.?”  “Yo ESTOY el hermano de Pepe?”  YO NO THINK SO!

After giving all his CLEARLY illiterate Spanish students A+’s on their exams  (I am SO transferring to this school!), Will makes the same fateful mistake many of us unfortunately make after a night of endless boozing and faux-soul searching.  Of course, I am referring to . . . THE DRUNK DIAL!

“Emma?  I luuuuuuuuuuuve youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!“

As luck would have it, the following morning, when a VERY hungover, also sunglasses wearing (Product Placement much?) Schuester arrives at school and confronts Emma about his belligerent late night phone call, she has no idea what he’s talking about. 

“PHEW!  Now THAT would have been embarrassing . . .”

Then again, maybe he’s NOT so lucky, after all . . .

“You want to put your   . . . WHAT . . . in my . . . WHAT?”

In sober-er news .  . .

Ring Around the Closet . . .

Poor Little Ornery Kurt!  He’s not exactly having the best episode.  First, he made the mistake of STAYING SOBER at Rachel’s party.  So, he had his full faculties, when he had to watch the man of his dreams make out with his new gal pal.  Then, his dad read him the riot act about having Blaine sleep over, despite the fact that the dude was so wasted, Kurt didn’t even get to COP A FEEL!  Kurt accuses his dad of having a double standard, regarding the whole sleepover issue.  “If Finn had PUCK sleepover at the house, you wouldn’t care!”  Kurt whines.

*sigh*  A Finn and Puck sleepover . . . I’ve had dreams about this .   . .

Burt gently reminds Kurt that his analogy is a POOR one.  While Burt wouldn’t care if Finn had PUCK sleepover, he WOULD care if Finn had Quinn or Rachel sleepover.  (Does that mean KURT can have Rachel sleepover, without his dad getting mad?  I mean, it’s only fair, right?) 

“I watched all of Brokeback Mountain.  Now, I don’t know much about gay stuff, but I’m pretty sure something went on in that tent,” Burt notes wryly . . .

*sigh* Memories!

Ultimately, the father / son duo come to a compromise.  Kurt will ask Daddy, before having any possibly gay dudes sleep with him (a.k.a. any guy in Glee Club).  In return, Burt will school himself on the wonders of male-on-male sex, just in case Kurt happens to “have any questions” on the topic.  (Oh, Burt!  I have a WHOLE LIST of really great movies I can recommend for you on this topic.  Just call me, OK?)

But Kurt’s dad is the least of his problems.  Kurt also has to worry about the fact that a ONCE AGAIN drunk (My, they sure fall off the wagon fast on this show!) Rachel has asked Blaine out on a REAL date, post kiss.  And Blaine has accepted!

“And we can play Barbies, and watch The Care Bears Movie, and you can braid my hair, and play with my dollhouse .  . .”

Kurt sees Blaine’s acceptance of a date with Rachel as a blatant rejection of Kurt homosexuality.  Blaine argues that he is just not that into him “confused” about whether he’s into dudes, chicks, or both, and that Kurt should stop chasing after him like a wounded puppy be more understanding.  Then Blaine ends the conversation, just as any straight manly man would, by sticking his tongue out, flipping his hair, and strutting off, in a huff . . .

That night Kurt stops by Rachel’s house to ask stalkerish questions about Blaine, and interrogate her about the Infamous Date the two shared help her clean up the basement, after the big party.  To Kurt’s chagrin, the pair actually had a great time.  Kurt “kindly” tells Rachel that she is destined to a be a perpetual  . . . forgive the expression . . . “Fag Hag” to gay guys pretending to be straight, starting with Blaine.  Now, if I were Rachel, I would of SLAPPED Kurt in the face for saying that to ME!  (Even though, let’s face it, it’s probably true .  . . for Rachel at least.) 

I love how, in this screencap, you can clearly see the bra Brittany was wearing earlier, at the party, hanging on the wall, behind Rachel and Kurt . . . It’s all about the details!

But Rachel, to her credit, refuses to be bullied by Jealous Kurt, and his pronouncements of doom and gloom.  She vows to kiss Blaine sober, thereby proving, once and for all, that the Warbler, is, in fact, in love with her.  After all, she is not about to pass up the opportunity to have “A New Musical Boyfriend” and . . .  eventually, “vaguely Eurasian-looking babies.”  I mean, can you blame her?

The next day, at the coffee shop, as Kurt creepily looks on, Rachel plants another smackeroo on the Blainester .  . .

Blaine’s reaction?  “Yep, I’m gay,” replies the Head Warbler, before exiting the coffee shop.

WOW!  Insensitive much?  Who knew gay guys could be such D-bags?  Fortunately, Rachel takes the rejection in stride.  Besides, being dumped by a gay guy in the middle of Starbucks is GREAT song-writing material.  Even, Rachel’s headband would agree!

Source

I Didn’t Know Vomit Could be That Color . . .

Looks more like Wet Cement . . . actually.

It’s the day of the Alcohol Awareness Assembly, and the Glee kids are unusually nervous about their performance of Ke$ha’s (or, as The Fig calls her “Ke Dollar Sign a”) rousing alcoholic anthem “Tik Tok.”  Fortunately, Rachel has come bearing courage-fabricating “refreshments.”  Said “refreshments” apparently include the REST of the contents of her dads’ liquor cabinet, all poured into one big yummy vat . . . along with cough syrup . . . and some crushed up Oreos . . .

Mmmmm . . .  Yummy!

Led by Ke$ha lookalike Brittany, and her criminally short-shorts, the Glee kids give a performance that starts off rather well, and ends in . . . for lack of a better word, Vomitpalooza 2011.

“Everybody drink responsibly,” slurs Brittany at the end of the performance, before rushing off for an intense session of Oreo Cookie Tossing and Porcelain God Praying.

You can enjoy the Glee kids, in all their pukey splendor, RIGHT HERE . . .

To add insult to vomit-covered injury, the next day, Sue decides to broadcast Will’s drunk dial to Emma across the student loudspeaker, during morning announcements.  (Poor Will!  He must not have very many friends AT ALL, if “Sue’s” name comes anywhere near “Emma’s” in his Cell Phone Contact List.)

Usually, on television shows like this, “Drunk Declarations of Love” are surprisingly romantic, eloquent, and poignant.  Not so here!  Kudos to Glee for showing the world what REAL DRUNK DIALS sound like: disturbing, stalkerish, and incredibly creepy.

  “Bring some wine coolers to my place, and we can get busy together ALL night . . . I rode a bull tonight, and when I was riding it, I was thinking of YOU,” slurs Will into his phone.  (Ummm  .  . . ew?)

“Awwww, you think I look like a Mechanical Bull!   That’s the sweetest thing anybody’s ever said to me!”

But just in case you were worried that our Glee kids and Will would experience repercussions for their bad behavior, worry not!  The Fig LOVED IT!  Thanks to the Glee kids barf, and Will’s humiliation, no one wants to be drunk in school anymore. 

Uhhhh  . . . your welcome?

In fact, The Fig is so grateful to the Glee club for their effort, he gives them all coupons to buy yogurt!  Because that’s the first thing you want to eat, after you’ve vomited up your insides . . . mushy, chunky, globule, yogurt  . . .

That afternoon, at Glee club practice, The Schue makes all the students sign pledges promising to stay sober through Nationals.   However, he also gives the crew his cell phone number, so that, in case they DO end up getting wasted, he can come pick them up from whatever dark alley they decide to shoot heroine in.

Can I get that number too, Will?

And that’s all she wrote!  Be sure to tune in two-weeks from now, when The Schue FINALLY takes a break from whining and complaining about how miserable his life is, in order to rock out to some Prince songs, and bang Gwyneth Paltrow.  Good times!

See ya then!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Oh My Gaga! – A Recap of Glee’s “Theatricality”

  

OK.  I have a bit of a confession to make  . . . Here it goes . . . I’m not exactly a huge fan of Lady Gaga.  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s not that I don’t think she’s sublimely talented.  I DO!  Much like her predecessor, Madonna, Lady Gaga is a masterful self-marketer.  The girl is constantly reinventing herself.  She, therefore, can keep her music relevant, in a fast-paced, quick-change, ADHD world.  She even made Hello Kitty, cool again!

It’s just that . . . how do I put this kindly . . . that girl scares the STUFFING OUT OF ME!  I think it started when she made that bizarro Paparazzi video.  You know, the one where she dressed up like a depraved, totally effed up, version of Minnie Mouse  . . .

. . . and KILLED an eyepatch-wearing Alexander Skarsgard!

I DON’T UNDERSTAND!  I thought vampires were supposed to be IMMUNE to poison!

In fact, up until last night ;), the ONLY version of Poker Face residing on my iPod was Chris Daughtry’s acoustic cover of the song (which, if you’ve never heard it before, is AWESOME, in my humble opinion.)

This was all, of course, BEFORE I watched last night’s episode of Glee, which, I’ll admit, left me a bit “gaga” for Gaga.  Let’s recap, shall we?

Tina Dresses “Goth” / Has Parents Who Hate Kristen Stewart .  . .

When the episode begins, Principal Figgins is berating Tina, for what he describes as her “goth vampire” style of dressing.  Now, I’m going to have to disagree with him here.  I wouldn’t classify Tina’s look as goth or vampire!  It’s actually more ’80’s punk, than anything else . . .

Discrepancy aside, the opening scene was pure WIN for me, because it (1) gave the often-underused Jenna Ushkowitz an opportunity to show off her comedic chops; (2) exposed Principal Figgin’s deep-seated fear of vampires (This will undoubtedly come in handy later.) . . .

 . . . and (3) included some light Kristen Stewart bashing (“My parents think Kristen Stewart is a bitch,” says Tina)

 .  . . which, as far as I’m concerned, NEVER gets old!  (Just keep on toking, Bella Swan!)

Anyway, Mr. Schuester . . .

 . . . inspired by his outrage over Principal Figgins refusal to let Tina dress the way she wants (Speaking of which, don’t YOU wish that you had a cute teacher to personally accompany YOU, and hold YOUR hand, everytime YOU got in trouble?), decides to give the Gleeks a Gaga-inspired assignment.  In order to complete the assignment, the crew would be required to (1) dress-up really weird; and (2) sing a song by This Week’s Musical Sponsor either Lady Gaga or Kiss.

Rachel Confronts Her Bio Mom / Wears a Dress Made of Suicidal Beanie Babies . . .

While spying on their chief rivals, Vocal Adrenaline . . .

 (which reminds me, WHERE WAS JESSE THIS WEEK?  And, no, you can’t say, “on vacation,” like you did to explain his absence two weeks ago, Glee!  Because NO ONE gets that much off time in high school!  Not even local celebrities who recently transferred into the school, solely to bring about a mother / daughter reunion.  You know what?  I smell a little neglect here!  I’m calling CHILD SERVICES!”)

See? He’s wandering the streets of New York City ALONE! And probably panhandling!  And quite possibly getting involved in prostitution!  Have his parents no shame?

 . . . but I digress . . .

So, while Rachel, Quinn and Mercedes are spying on Vocal Adrenaline’s sectional rehearsals, they catch it’s coach randomly belting out her own rendition of Barbara Streisand’s Funny Girl to show off illustrate to her students the importance of theatricality.  Upon hearing the song, Rachel instantly recognizes Shelby’s voice as that of her mother (who she recently heard singing on a tape Jesse gave her).  Rachel then immediately confronts Shelby, informing her, right in front of her class, that she is in fact, her daughter.

That would certainly explain the uncanny resemblance . . .

And I have to say, for someone who went through the trouble of having one of her prize students SWITCH SCHOOLS to make sure Rachel learned her true identity, Shelby didn’t seem all that happy to have been found.  In fact, on first meeting, Shelby was downright COLD to Rachel, refusing to sit in the same row as her in the auditorium, while the two engaged in their first “heart-to-heart.”

What a TOTAL WITCH!

Rachel is so distraught over the awkward encounter, that she comes to school wearing a dress made of STAPLED BEANIE BABIES. (Stuffed animal abuse, anyone?) .  The outfit is so hideous, that not even the beanie babies want to be a part of it.  They’s rather jump to their DEATHS, instead. 

 “Annnnnd  . . . we have a jumper!”  Kurt quips, as a frog beanie baby successfully escapes Rachel’s dress, only to, mere moments later, meet an untimely death on the choir room floor!

R.I.P. “Legs!”  We hardly knew, ye!

After the rest of the group is done bashing on Poor Rachel, the Girls (and Kurt) peform their portion of Mr. Schuester’s assignment, a fun and flashy cover of Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance.”   And while I couldn’t find a clip of the crew performing the song on the show, I was able to find a decent recording of the Glee cast performing the number LIVE on Tour in Los Angeles.  (Just take what you see, and imagine it with MORE cast close-ups, and a bit less “shaky cam.”)

(Thanks so much for sharing this with us, YuckFoutube!)

I think my favorite part of the whole song is when Kurt (Chris Colfer) belts out, “Because I’m a freak, BABY!”  (Classic!)

You might have noticed, that in the video, Lea Michelle, who plays Rachel, is wearing an outfit that is decidedly NOT the Suicidal Beanie Baby Dress I screencapped for you, above.  That is because, in the scene following her performance, Mommy Not-So-Dearest, Shelby, actually does something NICE for a change, by hooking Rachel up with a Gaga-inspired outfit that doesn’t include on it a bevy of warning labels, about babies accidentally swallowing foreign objects . . .

You know, if it didn’t have that weapon-esque jagged edge sticking out the side of it, I might ACTUALLY wear something like this . . .

After receiving some REALLY BAD advice from Mr. Schuester, Witchy Shelby decides to, more or less, “break-up” with her long lost daughter.  Her rationale for doing so seemed really warped to me . . . something about Rachel being TOO OLD to start a relationship with.  (Ummm, yeah, because 16 is positively ANCIENT!) 

Happy Sweet 16, Rachel!  Did you remember to put on your Depends?

However, I’m thinking that Shelby’s asshat actions were little more than a plot device, aimed toward ensuring that Mother and Daughter have an emotional and permanent reunion, come Season Finale time.  Therefore, I will refrain from calling Shelby too many evil names, just yet . . .

As a parting, “I’m sorry for being the Worst Mother Ever,” gift, Shelby offers Rachel a cup . . . with a star on it . . . for in case she gets “thisty.”

I know, I know . . . It didn’t look like this . . . I’m trying to make a not-so-subtle point here, OK?

You see, if Shelby DOESN’T reunite with Rachel in the Season Finale, I’m willing to bet that the next time “Thirsty Rachel” uses her “star cup,” is on her twenty-first birthday, when she totes it along with her, in her purse, on her bar crawl.  And with each of the 21 shots she pours into it, she will raise her glass, and SING, in an increasingly inebriated manner “F-U Mommy!”

My personal anger at Shelby aside, I must admit that the Mother-Daughter duet to Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” was the second most poignant moment in the entire episode.  (I’ll get to the MOST poignant, in just a bit.)  Aside from Idina Menzel and Lea Michelle having the most beautiful voices ON THE PLANET, I just loved how many layers this song had.  And how deft the two accomplished actresses were at subtly revealing them. 

On the surface, “Poker Face” is a light and fun song that uses the game of poker, as a thinly veiled metaphor for sexuality.  Shelby and Rachel have fun with this bawdy side to the song, smiling and winking at one another, during the particularly risque parts.  (Example: “I’m bluffin’ with my muffin . . .”)

On a deeper level, “Poker Face” is a song about hiding one’s true emotions, in order to protect onesself, a tactic we all use every once in a while, both in poker, and in life.  When Rachel sings the line, “She don’t wanna love nobody,” you can see the sadness in her face, as she recognizes her mother’s inability to provide her with the affection she needs.

Later when the women are singing, “I’m marvelous,” to one another,  we all know that isn’t really true, and that they are just saving face.  It’s heartbreaking to watch, yet beautiful at the same time.

Finn Experiments with Makeup / Calls Kurt the F- Word / Gets His Ass Handed to Him By Kurt’s Dad / Wears a Red Shower Curtain

Speaking of Misguided Mommies, Finn’s TOTALLY put him on the spot, by dragging him, eyes closed, to La Casa de Burt and Kurt, and informing him that he would be moving in there, RIGHT IN FRONT of Kurt and his dad!  To make matters even more awkward, Finn and Kurt were going to be sharing a room together . . . at age 16.  (A house with two-and-a-half-baths and NO GUEST ROOM!  What’s up with that, Burt?)

Then again, it does work for SOME people, I guess . . .

Back at school, Finn and the Glee boys get all decked out in full Kiss regalia and sing “Shout it Out Loud.”  A song I had NEVER heard before. 

Up until last night, I was familiar with precisely ONE Kiss song:  “Rock and Roll All Night.”  Now, I know two more (I’ll get to the second one in a bit).  Thanks for the education, Glee!

Finn and Kurt continue to bicker throughout most of the episode, regarding the respective merits of conformity versus individuality.  However, the poopy really hits the fan when Finn describes Kurt’s room decorations as “faggy,” and Kurt’s dad, Burt, overhears him.  Remember when I said, the scene between Shelby and Rachel was the SECOND most poignant scene in this episode?  Well, this was the first . . .

Kurt stands in the corner, arms wrapped protectively across his chest, barely holding back his tears, as he watches his “Man’s Man” father stand up for him, for the first time.  Burt tells Finn that by using those words, he is implying that homosexuality is something shameful and wrong.  Kurt flinches, as Burt explains that, when he was Finn’s age, he too used the term in a similarly derogatory manner.  Burt then expresses his disappointment in Finn, and unceremoniously kicks him out of the house, explaining, “I can’t have your poison here.”

After a cowed Finn stalks off, Burt turns to Kurt and tells him “[Your room] looks great.”

In a moment that got me all teary, Burt then places his hand on Kurt’s shoulder.  Kurt grabs it for a second, in silent thanks, then lets it go, as his father exits the room.  As far as I’m concerned, both Mike O’Malley, who plays Burt, and Chris Colfer, deserve Emmys for this scene.

To prove his loyalty to Kurt, and show that he’s learned his lesson about tolerating individuality, Finn protects Kurt from a couple of guys I will hereinafter refer to as “The Mean Boys” . . . (One of whom talks and gesticulates like a Poor Man’s Jerry Seinfeld . . .)

“What’s the deal with the name Lady Gaga?  I just don’t get it.  Is she a lady or a baby?”

Did I mention Finn stood up to the Mean Boys, while dressed like this?

Remember earlier, when I said that the “Minnie Mouse” costume was the most disturbing Lady Gaga costume EVER?  I stand corrected . . .

Puck Acts Like a Chauvinist / Feels Guilty About It / Sings a Sweet Song / Still Kind of Acts Like a Chauvinist / But Looks Really Hot Doing It

Awww, Puck!  Sweet ignornant Puck!  Don’t you know that naming your child after a brand of hard liquor pretty much guarantees that she will become an alcoholic later in life?

I mean, you might as well abandon her for 16-years, and then pop back into her life, only to give her a “Star Cup,” before leaving again . . .

Oooh, she looks really mad!  She might even send the Flying Monkeys after me!

Rather than be “thrilled” by Puck’s choice of baby name, as he suspected she would be, Quinn tells her Baby Daddy, in no uncertain terms, that she is giving up his kid to a family that WON’T name him after something that bears a warning label, specifically geared toward pregnant people.

Puck tries to make it up to her, by explaining that he had a bad home life.  Apparently, his father was too busy being “cool” to spend time with him.  Then, because this is Glee, after all.  He breaks into song.  The song he chooses is yet another Kiss song.  This one was called “Beth.”  And, like I said, I’d never heard another Kiss song, aside from “Rock and Roll all Night,” prior to the airing of this episode.  Except . . . something about this song, sounded SO FAMILIAR to me.  And I couldn’t figure out why.  Then, I remembered . . .

Remember that scene in the movie Role Models (which, if you haven’t seen it, you should skip this next paragraph, because I’m TOTALLY about to spoil the ending)?

It’s the scene after Paul Rudd, Sean William Scott, and those two kids win the LARPing competition (during which they all dressed up like Kiss, by the way . . . IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!)  Anyway, at the Larping After Party (Because you know how wild and crazy those LARPers can get!), Paul Rudd’s character, Danny Donahue, stands on a car, and sings a song to his girlfriend . . . who just so happens to be named BETH.  Yeah, this is the SAME SONG! 

 Glee just taught me all sorts of things I didn’t know, this week!

After the song, Puck approaches a teary-eyed Quinn, and offers to be present when their baby is born (Awww!).  He also DEMANDS that it be named Beth!

Now, don’t get me wrong.  Beth is a FABULOUS name for a baby girl.  But what the heck made Puck think that,  just because he sang ONE sweet song, that Quinn should be REQUIRED to name the baby after it?  Doesn’t SHE have a say in all this?  More importantly, don’t the ADOPTIVE PARENTS, who are going to  . . . you know . . . RAISE THE BABY, have a say?  WTF, Puck?

If you weren’t so sexy, I’d be REALLY mad at you right now!

Oh, and I almost forgot, the Principal ultimately allowed Tina to continue to dress like .  . . whatever it is she normally dresses like  . . . but only after she threatened to suck his blood, vampire style . . .

That’s all she wrote, folks!  In the words of Mr. Schuester, “Next stop, Sectionals!”