Tag Archives: Caleb’s mom

“A” is for Awkward! – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Touched By an A-ngel”

“So, THAT is who was pinching my ass!  I THOUGHT those fingers felt familiar!”

Welcome back, My Pretties!  This week, on PLL, the girls began to wonder whether “A” was, not just an EXTREMELY busy individual . . . but, rather, a crack team of Expert Stalkers / Threatening Text Message Writers.  And, really, if you think about it, this seems like the ONLY logical explanation.  I mean, how else could anyone possibly explain this seemingly supernatural character, who’s nefarious hands are simultaneously up every single PLL girl’s butt, AT ALL TIMES?


“Well, THAT sounds painful!”

Oh, and before I begin this recap, I’d like to thank the writers of Pretty Little Liars for adding “eating cereal” and “getting a massage” to the ever-growing list of Things I Am Now Afraid to Do, Because of This Show.  (At this rate, by the time the series finale airs, I won’t be able to leave the house!)

Leave My Alpha Bits ALONE!

See?  This is why Froot Loops are my cereal of choice.  You can’t leave creepy messages in Froot Loops!  On an unrelated note, Poor Spencer!  It looks like “A” went into her closet, in the middle of the night, and shredded all her button-down shirts.  Wait . . . you mean, it’s SUPPOSED to look like that?  Wow, I will just never understand fashion . . .

This week, the girls, once again, give their Pretty Little Episode recap in the cafeteria.  Aria admits to swapping blood saliva with Facelift Vampire Jason . . .

“I was thirsty.  OK?” 

And Spencer and Emily admit to breaking into Facelift Vampire Jason’s lair, and finding scary close-up shots of Aria sleeping (or drugged?), inside of it.  Having imparted that old news important information, Spencer and Aria exit, Stage Left, leaving poor Emily, and her Alpha Bits all by their lonesome.

“What the hell?  Aren’t I supposed to get another new girlfriend, this week?  Because I could really use one right about now.” 

So, Emily opens up her Alpha Bits, and is shocked to find that SOMEONE has given her only letter “A’s,” (which pretty much defeats the purpose of having Alpha Bits, if you ask me.)

Now, they just look like Lucky Charms, without the marshmallows . . . 

OK, now this is where I cry foul  Are we honestly supposed to believe that “A” somehow: (1) anticipated that Emily was going to eat Alpha Bits that morning; (2) bought like TEN boxes of Alpha Bits, in order to find enough “A’s” to fill an individual box; (3) opened a box of Alpha Bits, and exchanged its multi-letter contents for just “A’s;” (4) RE-SEALED the box, so it looked like it had never been opened; and (5) somehow made sure that of all the available cereal boxes, THAT was the one Emily chose?

Not only is Emily’s cereal box filled with A’s, it also, apparently, contains a personal note . . .


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Can I just say . . . WORST CEREAL BOX PRIZE EVER!

Meanwhile, over at the Marin Household . . .

Compassion is for Morning People . . .

Still in mourning over being ditched by Caleb, in favor of his Deadbeat Mom, Hanna has decided to express her depression, by maintaining the same hairstyle she wore on the night of the fateful breakup (which, I really like, actually) . . . 

“This is my Sad Hair . . .”

While Emily is off at school, eating pre-fondled cereal, Hanna is still loafing around the house, when she runs into Mama Marin, who’s VERY worried about Poor Emily, and her “stress.”  (Riiiight, because her own daughter doesn’t appear stressed out at all!)  When Hanna complains that Emily has taken to the annoying habit of grinding her teeth in her sleep (Wow, you’ve gotta be pretty close by to notice something like that!  Are these two sleeping in the same bed? ;)), her mother scolds her to have a little more compassion for her friend.

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I agree, Hanna.  The only person I’m compassionate toward, before 10 a.m., is MYSELF.  And that’s only because I pity myself for having to be up before 10 a.m.

But Mama Marin will not give up on the surrogate daughter she clearly likes better than her own.  She hands Hanna a gift certificate for a massage, instructing Hanna to give it to Emily, if and when she ever decides to drag her butt to school . . .

“Emily Fields is like the daughter I never had .  . . no offense, Hanna.”

“So . . . about that whole ‘You’re a Psycho Stalker’ thing . . .” 


“Sleep now, so that I can take more . . . ahem . . . ‘artistic’ photos of you . . . er . . . I mean so that Ali can take more photos of you sleeping . . . even though she’s dead.”

I think most of us sort of expected that Jason would have SOME sort of explanation for those disturbing photographs of Aria, we saw in his shed, last week.  And, I guess, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that he’s telling the truth about not taking them, himself, until I hear otherwise.  But still, you have to admit, that whole family is pretty cracked!

I mean, I know Ali’s like dead and all.  But that’s really no excuse for having been a perv, while alive, now is it?  Am I the only one who’s just as creeped out knowing that Ali took these pictures, as I was when I thought Jason took them?  Why the double standard?  Just because she’s a GIRL?

Anywhoo . . . in a show that revolves quite a bit around LYING, I give Aria a lot of credit, for being surprisingly mature, and IMMEDIATELY coming to Jason with the accusation Spencer and Emily had lodged against him.  Typically, in shows like this, the protagonist will simply start AVOIDING the accused person, without telling him or her why she is doing so, until the truth eventually comes out .  .. thereby making the protagonist look like a TOTAL ASSHAT.  So, yay to Aria, for not being an ASSHAT, I guess.

“Was that supposed to be a compliment?” 

According to Facelift Vampire Jason, he had been randomly sifting through Ali’s old things, when he came upon a roll of undeveloped film.  When he figured out what it was, he developed the pictures, and planned to have them framed for Aria as a gift.  Riiiiiight .  . . because everyone likes to hang weird creepy close-up pictures of themselves sleeping on their bedroom wall.  Seriously, Facelift Jason, how vain exactly do you think Aria is?

But, hey, I guess it’s not the gift, but the dirty thought that counts, right?

Meanwhile, back inside the school . . .

The Return of El Shrinko


“OK .  . . so let me get this straight, your daughter believes that the ghost of her dead friend has been sending her text messages?  And your son steals ugly pottery from blind girls?  What a lovely, sane, family you’ve raised!”

Even though it’s College Fair Day, and she has absolutely no logical reason to be there, that Random Shrink from a Few Episodes Back is conveniently wandering around Rosewood Prep.  Mama Montgomery sees her, and asks her to meet with her Crazy Klepto, Possibly Suicidal, Son . . .

 

“That’s ME!” 

Though, it would be a conflict of interest for Aria’s therapist to also see her brother,  Random Shrink From a Few Episodes Back agrees to recommend a colleague of hers for Crazy Mike.

Speaking of Crazy, Random Shrink runs into a clearly at her wits end, Emily, who REALLY needs to talk to someone about all the awful stuff going on in her life right now.

Don’t worry, Emily.  In a couple weeks, “A” will go back to ignoring you, and it will be Aria’s turn to experience her wrath . . . 

Random Shrink, who, honestly, seemed like a cold b*tch in earlier episodes, is surprisingly sweet to Emily probably because she knows she’s going to make A LOT of money off of her crazy ass and gently suggests that the two meet after school to talk.  Emily agrees.

“I’ll be billing you for this conversation too . . . just so you know.” 

Speaking of people who have no business being at Rosewood Prep, but are there, because the plot requires them to be . . .

Hollis College:  Where The Faculty is VERY Hands-On Your Boobs

At the college fair, Aria is THRILLED to see Fitzy working the Hollis College booth (especially since these sort of things are usually run by RECRUITERS, and not NEW PROFESSORS who should be . . . I don’t know .  . . busy professing).  However, she is less than thrilled to learn that Fitzy’s ex-fiance Jackie is working the booth as well.  And she is hanging all over Fitzy, like she’s one of his sweater vests . . .

“I’m going to use this Hollis College Lanyard to tie you up, and throw you in the trunk of my car.  I hope you don’t mind.” 

When Fitzy sees Aria, he immediately bounds over to her, clearly horny as hell from being around all these high school students.  He even makes some sexually suggestive comments about the generalized gropiness (Is that even a word?) of the Hollis College faculty.  But Aria isn’t exactly in the mood for Fitzy Flirtation.  So, she stomps out of the gym, forcing him to run after her, like the loyal puppy dog boyfriend he has become.

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Continuing this weeks trend of  uncharacteristic “Honest and Mature” behavior, Aria directly confronts Fitzy with her fear that, because they are still hiding their relationship, “external factors” *cough Jackie and Jason* are getting in the way of their happiness.  Fitzy, typical clueless boy that he is, is, apparently completely oblivious to the fact that Jackie-O still wants his bod . . .

I’m just reminding you what it looks like . . . 

During this conversation, Aria also confesses to kissing Jason .  . . er . . . I mean, LETTING Jason kiss her.  This is where the conversation, understandably, gets a bit uncomfortable.  And like any good pitbull, Jackie-O immediately smells the fear, and rushes over to hump Fitzy’s leg.  Once Fitzy leaves, she moves on to Aria, baring her fangs, and peppering her with thinly veiled insults about her age and lack of maturity.

 “Fitzy’s MINE!  And I would know, I peed on his leg to mark my territory, yesterday . . .”

Annoying Mona .  . . Horse Whisperer

“You better not make me wear a fugly dress like that, when I’m a bridesmaid at your wedding.” 

Hanna and Mona ditch the College Fair (She chooses colleges, like she chooses clothes, anyway . . . from the catalogue!), so that Hanna can get fitted for the hideous bridesmaid dress her future stepmonster picked out for her wedding to Hanna’s Douchey Daddy.  The pair rank a bit on the awfulness of the dress, and how hillbilly the person who selected it must be, until that person’s daughter appears on the scene, looking very different from the last time we saw her . . .

First we had Facelift Jason, now we have Facelift Kate . . . 

“What the hell did they do to my face?”

Annoying Mona quickly figures out that Hanna’s future stepsister is a wealthy snob.  And,  since that’s exactly what Mona aspires to be someday (Well, she’s already a snob . . . but I guess the wealthy part, is something she needs to work on), the professional star f*&ker arranges for her and Hanna to accompany Kate and her friends on a little horseback riding excursion . . .


“This storyline is lame.  Why the f*&k are we here?”

Though Annoying Mona claims to be a “horse whisperer”  (I don’t think Mona is even capable of whispering to HUMANS, let alone horses.), neither of the girls actually have any riding experience.  And both Mona and Hanna end up losing their horsing, and having to walk the rest of the trail.  Back at the Polo Lodge, Hanna “accidentally’ leaves her hat on the control panel, which ends up turning on the intercom system.  So, of course, she starts griping about Stepmonsters Kate and Isabel.  And, of course, Kate overhears all of it.

“I’m really angry now, but you can’t tell, because of all the collagen I had injected into my New Face . . .” 

Hanna immediately becomes worried that Facelift Kate will rat her out to her family for all the nasty things she said.  But she doesn’t.  Instead, she calls her on the phone, threatening to break her spirit, and beat her into subservience, like an unruly horse.  (WOW, Facelift Kate is into animal cruelty?  Now, I DEFINITELY don’t like her.)  Here’s hoping “A” breaks Kate’s new face, before she gets a chance to break Hanna’s . . .

Speaking of familiar (and not so familiar faces) . . .

What the hell is an N.A.T. club?

“How dare Creepy Pedo Ian join a club I’m not a member of!  If he wasn’t already dead, I’d kill him!” 

Spencer and Abs Toby are sorting through Dead Creepy Pedo Ian’s stuff, when they come across his old yearbook.  Flipping through it, they come to realize that Creepy Pedo Ian, Facelift Vampire Jason, and Police Boy Garrett, were all in the same three-person club . . .

 

Wait a second!  Since when are these three guys all the SAME age?  Whatever happened to the writers saying that Facelift Vampire Jason is more “age-appropriate” for Aria than Fitzy.  Isn’t Creepy Pedo Ian virtually the same age as Aria’s current boyfriend (give or take a year or two)?  Just curious . . . 

Cue SPENCER FACE!

(You have to admit, Toby kind of had a point, when he called Spencer, “a nice word for obsessive.”)

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After doing a little internet research, Spencer figures out that N.A.T. stands for Nos Animadverto Totus, which translates into English as “We See All.”

Now, Spencer is convinced that these guys were ALL taking creepy videos of Rosewood residents, and that Facelift Vampire Jason killed his sister to drink her blood to prevent her from going forward with the tapes.  Knowing that Aria will not listen to her anymore, when it comes to her “advice” about Jason, Spencer decides to tell the person most likely to get through to Aria .  . . Fitzy . . .

“I wish I was wearing my My Little Pony Sweater . . . I miss that little guy.” 

Spencer finds Fitzy in his car outside the school . . .

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Never one to mince words, within about 30 seconds, Spencer has already told Fitzy that (1) she knows about him and Aria’s relationship; and (2) Aria is in DANGER of getting turned into a vampire.  And we all know how persuasive Spencer can be, when she really puts her mind to it . . .

Unfortunately, for Spencer and Fitzy, they are not alone.  SOMEONE is watching them . . .

*hissssssss*

And now for the most disturbing part of the episode . . .

Massages are SCAAAAAARRRRRY!

Oh Emily . . . you won’t be smiling for long.

As was commanded by the Marin’s Emily heads to the massage parlor, and is instructed by the masseuse to lay down and get comfy, while she prepares for the appointment.  A few moments later, Emily’s massage begins.  You can just see the tension rolling off Emily’s shoulders.  She feels happy and relaxed, and looks like she might drop off to sleep at any moment.  Then the masseuse comes back, ready to start the massage . . . wait . . . WHAT?
Yeah, so apparently, that WHOLE time Emily was being fondled by “A” instead of the actual masseuse.  What are the odds?  (Actually, on THIS show, the odds are very high.)

Adding insult to grossness, the minute Emily leaves the massage parlor (looking NOT AT ALL relaxed, by the way), “A” has to go and send her a super threatening text message.  (SURPRISE!)

OK.  So, I know who Dr. Sullivan is.  But who are Eric and Denise J.?  I never see any of the PLL’s hanging out with anyone except for their significant others, and eachother . . . and sometimes Annoying Mona. 

Tata for now, Facelift Jason!  Ezria is “Official”

“I’m really going to miss you, Aria.  Can I keep one of these pictures of you that I TOTALLY didn’t take myself *wink, wink* as a souvenir of our three-episode love affair.” 

At some random coffee shop, Facelift Vampire Jason gives Aria those Framed Creepy Pictures of her Sleepy Face.  I’m actually really curious to see whether Aria will actually hang these up on her wall.  (Imagine staring at pictures of yourself sleeping, while you are trying to go to sleep . . . weird.)  Facelift notes that he found the film in a box that Aria kept underneath the floorboards.  Aria expresses interest in the box, so Jason offers to get it for her.  She follows him back to his house, but is still hesitant enough of his motives, to not want to follow him inside alone to retrieve the darn thing.

While Aria is waiting for Facelift, Fitzy arrives . . .

Fitzy reiterates to a shocked Aria, how dangerous he thinks Facelift Vampire Jason is, after hearing all about the guy’s “photography talents” from Spencer.  He then tells her that he wants to save their relationship.  And if that means going public, starting with Aria’s parents, then, so be it.  Aria mentally reminds herself to thank Spencer for helping her to FINALLY get laid, as she moves in for a big fat Fitzy Smooch . . .

*insert sucking and slurping noises here*

Of course, this is precisely the moment at which Jason emerges from his house with Dead Ali’s Box O’ Memories . . . because he’s probably been watching from his window the whole time.

Yeah, because this isn’t awkward at all.

The Facelift Vampire gives Aria the box, while Fitzy waits for her in his car, clearly, not taking ANY chances . . .

 

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But before you start checking your mailbox for Ezria wedding invitations, you should hear what Aria’s snoopy, kind of judgmental MOM had to say to Aria, when she got home . . .

“I’m totally judging you Spencer, right now.”

Apparently, Mama Montgomery’s little eavesdropping session somehow led her to believe that SPENCER and Fitzy were doing the deed, and that the rumors going around school that Fitzy was porking one of the students at Rosewood Prep were about HER.  Aria, of course, denies this, but wonders allowed what difference it would make if the two of them WERE dating, considering their age difference is minimal.  Mama Montgomery who’s probably still stewing over her OWN husband cheating on her with a student  feels that this situation is STILL immoral, because it implies that Fitzy used his position as a teacher at the school to his sexual advantage.  She also admits to a horrified Aria that, if she found out that Fitzy and Spencer were boning she would feel incredibly jealous betrayed, since Mama Montgomery always had a HUGE crush on Fitzy she considered Fitzy a friend.

Uh Oh!  I guess these three won’t be going to the movies together anytime soon . . . 

Elsewhere in Rosewood . . .

Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett Strike Again 

Blind Jenna barges into Spencer’s house and accuses her of being a hungry terrier for using Toby to help her search through the wench’s private belongings.

That’s funny, I always thought of Spencer more as a pug . . .

B.J. warns Spencer that her continued snooping is dangerous for her and Abs Toby.  But Spencer is not the type of girl who’s going to be intimidated by a few idle threats.  In fact, as B.J. is leaving, Spencer sends her off with a pretty awesome parting shot.  “Tell, Garrett I said, Hi,” she coos.

In what is becoming almost as common an occurrence on PLL episodes, as the PLL Girl weekly recap, Jenna hops into the sniveling Police Boy Garrett’s car to warn him that “they [the PLL girls] know about us.”

“Would this be a bad time to ask you for car sex?” 

However, it is what B.J. says next that is the most intriguing.  Blind Jenna notes that Spencer has been “looking through yearbooks,” something Spencer clearly never mentioned in her earlier conversation.  This means that either (1) Toby told Blind Jenna what he and Spencer found; or (2) Blind Jenna is NO LONGER BLIND JENNA (having had her eye surgery already), and saw the yearbooks in Spencer’s living room.  Honestly,   I’m not quite sure about that second option, since you would think that type of eye surgery would require a signficant amount of recovery time.   Needless to say, however, SOMETHING is up . . .

“I’ve got my eye on you Blow Job , Blind Jenna!”

Blind Jenna and Police Boy end their conversation by jointly making the decision that it is time to talk to Facelift Jason, so that the threesome can get their respective stories straight.  In one of the final scenes of the episode, Police Boy visits Facelift, and reminds him how important it is that the two of them keep their mouths shut about what happened between them.  After all, Police Boy has a job to keep, a reputation to protect, and an underage blind girlfriend to continue screwing.  Stakes are high, indeed . . .

PLL Girl Reunion and Gloved Hand Reprise

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Having been enmeshed in their own separate storylines for most of the episode, it was nice to see the PLL girls all reunite at (Emily’s?) house, for one final bonding moment.  In what may have been my favorite scene in the entire episode, Aria tells Spencer that she isn’t mad at her for going to Fitzy about Facelift Jason.  After all, as I mentioned earlier, Spencer’s little trick is DEFINITELY going to help Aria get laid. 🙂  Spencer, of course, apologized anyway, for butting in, explaining that she just worries about Aria, because she’s so petite and fragile looking, and Spencer cares about her so darn much.

Both Lucy Hale and Troian Bellisario played off the scene beautifully.  And you could really feel the love between these two girls.  All together now . . . AWWWWWW!

The final scene features “A” coming to visit Random Therapist lady . . .

Uh oh!  Something tells me this isn’t going to end well . . .

You can check out the promo for Episode 11 of Pretty Little Liars, here:

See you next week, My Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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While You Were Creeping – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Picture This”

“WOAH!  My Dream Self is a TOTAL HO!  I hope I didn’t just give myself Dream Crabs . . .” 

Welcome back, my Pretties!   This week on Pretty Little Liars, we learned that Spencer still wears My Little Pony sweaters; Emily is great at poker, but sucks at life bluffing; and, even after ALL she’s been through with “A,” Aria STILL hasn’t learned to shut her bedroom door (but not lock it, Byron says “NO LOCKING DOORS!”), and close her curtains, before she goes to bed at night . . .

So, pick up that hide-a-key on top of the doorframe, and slip your digits to your significant other’s best friend, because it’s time for another Pretty Little recap  . . .

To Sleep, Perchance to HUMP . . .

First of all, let me say, SCREW YOU, PLL, for being such a tease!  You gave me, not one, but TWO, fake sex scenes before the opening credits even began!

What kind of show do you think this is . . . True Blood, or should I say . . . Faux Blood?

All I can say is, Aria REALLY didn’t look pleased, when she woke up in the morning.  And, honestly, I think she should reconsider those feelings.  I mean, so what if her second faux-screw toy may very well be a psycho stalker / murderer / pedophile.

You know, I never realized it, but Facelift Jason TOTALLY looks like he’s either going to grab Aria’s boobs, or strangle her, in this picture. 

The way I see it, being Dream F*&ked is the best of both worlds!  You get all of the pleasure, and none of the soreness, STD’s, or soul-crushing guilt real sex can sometimes bring. You also significantly decrease your chances of being BASHED IN THE HEAD WITH A HOCKEY STICK, AND BURIED ALIVE.

Meanwhile, over at the morgue, Hanna, Emily, and Spencer have randomly decided to don those skimpy candy striper outfits again.  Seriously, when did this show become PORN?

SPENCER:  “This is as far as I go.  If they make me put on one of those French Maid costumes, I’m QUITTING!”

Actually, the girls have a pretty good reason to be dressed like they are.  After all, they are currently snooping around the hospital in search of the missing page to Ali’s autopsy.  Of course, I’m pretty sure that my favorite part of the ENTIRE episode, was when the girls were at risk of being caught snooping, and Hanna had to . . .  improvise . . .

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(Have I told you guys, lately, how much I adore Hanna?  Girlfriend is friggin HILARIOUS!)

Unfortunately, Spencer emerges from the morgue empty handed.  Someone must have snuck into the hospital, and extracted the missing page, before the PLL girls could get their hands on it.  Of course, as it turns out, missing pieces of paper may end up being the least of the girls’ problems . . .  As they are LOUDLY discussing their plan of action, the girls very nearly run into THIS . . .

*insert T-Rex music from that Jurassic Park movie, here*

That’s right, my Pretties.  Apparently, Blind Jenna might not be BLIND for much longer at which point, we will surely have to find a new nickname for her, STAT!  Any suggestions?.  What does this MEAN for the PLL girls?  (Well, honestly, not much.  Blind Jenna always seemed eerily capable of “seeing” whatever it was the PLL girls were doing, anyway.  But, let’s go along with it, and pretend to be REALLY SCARED.  OK?)

 A Very Important Message from PLL: DON’T DO STEROIDS!  (It might make you turn into Thor . . .)

No offense against THOR . . . or anything . . . 

Back at the Marin Household, Emily is throwing away all of hers and Hanna’s creams, just in case “A” got to them, and pumped THEM up with steroids too.  Hanna spies her throwing a way one cream, in particular, and takes immediate offense . . .

“I don’t care if this cream turns me into Thor, it costs 100 dollars,” lectures Emily.

Emily, of course, reminds Hanna that she STOLE the lotion.  “It still costs 100 dollars!” Hanna replies.  (Remind me why Little Miss Klepto was getting all bent out of shape about Caleb‘s criminal activities again?)

Except when she’s drunk, Emily is not typically known for getting great one liners on the show.  But her response here, definitely makes the list: “Chin hair and back pimples are also side effects of taking steroids.”

My sentiments exactly, Hanna.  I bet “turning into Thor,” is starting to look like a pretty good option, in comparison to THIS, huh? 

Hanna ultimately ends up tossing out her Stolen Contraband Lotion, just as Mama Marin pops in to (1) lecture Hanna about not calling Papa Doucheface; and (2)  invite the girls downstairs for breakfast.

Not surprisingly, the minute Hanna leaves the room, Emily gets yet another text message from “A.”  And THIS one is a doozy . . .

“Well, I certainly hope she paid for me, first!” 

Apparently, sometime, during the course of the last two episodes, “A” managed to steal Emily’s medical chart.  (I’m wondering if he or she needed their very own candy striper outfit to do it too!)

Speaking of Emily, later at school . . .

“You’re Dream Cheating on Fitzy!  (You Bastard!)”

 

“Stop looking at me like that, Em!  I’m sure I made him wear a Dream Condom!” 

Emily and Aria fill one another in, on the last five minutes of the show.  Though, Aria, at first, does not come clean to Emily about her little sex dream, Emily sees THIS FACE. . .

and THIS ONE . . .

 .  . . and immediately puts two and two together.  (If only she was this good at judging the effectiveness of skin creams, she might not have gotten A HOLE IN HER STOMACH.)  Emily reveals herself as a hardcore TEAM FITZY-ITE, when she tells Aria that she has NO business eyef *&king or dreamf&^*king Facelift Jason, when the Professor is over at Hollis waiting patiently to “make pottery with her.”  Aria promises to keep that in mind and mentally reminds herself to buy some Red Bull, so she can stay awake tonight . . . No sleeping, means no dreamf*&king, right?  Right?

Later, in the lunchroom . . .

“They are taking her eyeballs out?  COOL!”

“I wish someone took MY eyeballs out, so I wouldn’t have to EVER see Blind Jenna hooking up with Policeboy Garrett again . . .”

Spencer (who, because she is dating Toby, is “in the know”) explains to the rest of the girls that Jenna is a candidate for corneal transplants.  This basically means they replace the damaged flap over her cornea, so that she can see again.  (See?  And who says you can’t learn things from watching PLL?)  The girls discuss what exactly this would mean for THEM, which, pretty much, makes them HUGE A$$HOLES.   I mean, really, how DARE Jenna try to get back the vision that the PLL GIRLS TOOK AWAY FROM HER, and inconvenience the Pretty Little Liars?  She’s got SOME NERVE!

“Jenna is scary enough with four senses.  Can you imagine what she will do to us with all five?”  Hanna wonders out loud.

You’re right, Hanna!  Because that would make her ROBO-JENNA, Super Villain EXTRAORINAIRE . . .

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Be afraid, PLL’ers . . . Be VERY afraid . . .

 But ROBO Jenna isn’t necessarily the ONLY villain the PLL’s need to worry about . . .

Hide Your Sweater Ponies, Folks!  Facelift Jason has a SECRET ROOM!  (And we all know what that means . . .)

“It’s not safe for you here, Sweater Pony!  RUN!” 

After school, Spencer and her favorite sweater from Grade 4, decide to do what they do best: namely, stalk the Suspect of the Week, Facelift Jason.  Conveniently, Spencer finds Facelift Jason, just as he is hiding the key to his SECRET ROOM in the WORST HIDING SPOT EVER!

“Look at me.  I am soooo clever, with my newly chiseled face, and Pantene Pro V hair . . .”

Nice going, Facelift!  No one will think to look for your hide-a-key in the SAME PLACE EVERYBODY AND THEIR MOTHER HIDES THEIR HIDE-A-KEY!  Did the surgery that changed your face, perhaps, cut into your brain too? 

Cue SPENCER FACE!

Oh, how I missed you, Spencer Face!

Meanwhile, over at Hanna’s . . .

“A” Cockblocks Emily, BIG TIME!

The Last Kiss? 

In the land of Too Little, Too Late, Samara brings Sorry You Had a Hole in Your Stomach Cookies to Emily.  Emily takes them gratefully, and doesn’t ask, “Why the hell didn’t you visit me at the hospital, B*tch?” . . . which I thought was rather kind of her.

Speaking of kind . . . enter Mama Marin . . .

“Newly single, and ready to mingle!” 

Hanna’s mom has been racking up SO many cool points recently, that I almost forgot how she once slutted around with Deputy Douchey, so her daughter wouldn’t go to jail for shoplifting, and STOLE MONEY FROM AN OLD LADY . . . almost.  This week, she generously offers her house up to Emily, Samara, and Samara’s friends for “poker night,” when the parties’ usual host cancels, on account of her Mom being sick.  Emily, of course, is thrilled.

“I’m THRILLED!” 

Hanna’s mom tells Emily that she should feel at home in the Marin Household, and be able to be “herself.”  This is kind of awesome, especially considering that at Emily’s actual house, her Mom had a TOTAL sh*tfit, when Emily had ONE other lesbian over at her house (Maya!), let alone a group of them.  But I digress .  . .

That night, Emily invites Samara and her Poker Crew over to the Marin household, where she impresses them all with her Mad Poker Playing Skillz . . .

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One of Samara’s friends with whom Emily particularly hits it off is “Zoe” . . . a fact that, will come to haunt her, before the night is over . . .

The Bait . . . 

*Insert cell phone ring here* . . . you guessed it!  It’s time for “A” to crash this poker party . . .

 I’m not going to lie, this was the part of the episode that pissed me off the most!  Now, in REALITY, there were LITERALLY TONS of ways Emily could have gotten her number to Zoey, without looking like she was trying to cheat on Samara with one of her closest friends.  For starters, she could have given ALL the girls her number, including Zoe, insisting that she wanted them to have it, in case they were ever again in need of someone to host Poker Night.  She also could have slipped a paper into Zoe’s purse containing her digits.  (If you read the above-message, it says that Zoe has to LEAVE with the number . . . she doesn’t have to KNOW she’s leaving with it.)   She also could have told Zoey, she wanted to plan a romantic surprise for Samara, and needed her help.  I could keep going . . .

But that wouldn’t be “exciting” now, would it?   So, Emily, the same girl, who just two weeks back, cleverly deciphered Great Mystery of the Ian Suicide Note, quickly takes a turn for the moronic, and flirtatiously offers Zoey her number, outright, RIGHT IN FRONT OF Samara’s possessive “friend” Quinn.

“Woah, way to be subtle, Hobag!”

“Rebound sex with Samara, here I come.  Thanks ‘A'”!

(By the way, who the heck cut Quinn’s hair?  Edward Scissorhands?)

Samara is understandably super PISSED when she confronts Emily about what she did . . . so pissed, in fact, that she puts their relationship on indefinite hiatus, until Emily is willing to come clean about what happened at Poker Night . . .

“Is this because I didn’t visit you in the hospital, when you thought you were dying?”

Emily is crushed by the news . . . I think . . .

“Hmmm . . . do you think it’s too early to call Zoey?  I really wish I got her number, last night.” 

And so ends yet another relationship at the hands of “A” . . .  Of course, sometimes PLL girls’ relationships end all on their own . . .

Mama, I’m Coming Home . . .

So, remember how, last week, Hanna kicked the private investigator, who was stalking Caleb to the curb.  But then we learned that his intentions might not have been as bad as she assumed they were?  Well, it turns out the private investigator was searching for Caleb on behalf of his biological MOTHER, who is apparently, some filthy rich country club lady, who lives next door to Oprah!

When the private investigator confronts Caleb, he IS mad.  Why wouldn’t he be?  He’s spent twelve years of his life going from one trailer trash foster home to the next, and was PRETTY MUCH HOMELESS for the last year of his life.  Meanwhile, the woman who “couldn’t take care of him,” is probably putting her two other kids through private school, and weekly tennis lessons with Andy Roddick . . .

But hey, family is family, right?  And Caleb kind of owes it to himself to get a piece of that lifestyle he’s been denied all these years.  (Yes, I’m that cynical.)  Believe it or not, it’s actually Hanna, she of the “Dad you’re dead to me,” perpetual poutiness, who convinces Caleb to give Deadbeat Mommy Dearest a call.  “The worst that can happen is you never speak to her again.  The best thing that can happen is you can finally get to know her.  Both of them are better than what you are doing now.”

“The last time I saw my mom, I was small enough to actually swing on this  swingset, without having to worry about breaking it.”

The next evening, a tearful Caleb comes to Hanna’s house to say goodbye .  . . forever now.  He had a little chat with his Mom that day, and decided he should bring his phone pimping business to Montecito, since eveyone is so rich there come and visit her.  He’s leaving now, as she had a car sent for him (See Caleb, this is how the OTHER HALF LIVES.  Get used to it.)

Hanna is obviously saddened at the thought of losing Caleb.  But, to her credit, she remains strong and supportive, because she knows how hard this must be for him, and that he is doing the right thing.  The couple promise to call one another every day, and Caleb offers to return someday, though Hanna is rightly skeptical about both statements.  “I’ve seen pictures of Montecito,” she says, smiling ruefully.

The two then share a touching kiss goodbye.  And Hanna waits until Caleb is out of sight to REALLY break down in tears . . .

“Man, this episode is depressing!” 

When all is said and done, Hanna decides to reach out to her own dad, and agrees to take part in his wedding to the odious Isabelle.  Way to be an adult, Hanna!

Now, if y’all don’t mind, I’d like to bid adieu to the Haleb relationship with a little GIF tribute . . .

*sniffles*  OK . . . moving on . . .

Speaking of depressing . . .

“I’m just really bummed out about the end of Haleb, OK?”

It seems as though Jerkface Mike has gone from non-existent, to creepy, to klepto, to a$$hole, to suicidal depressive in about three episodes flat . . . (That’s gotta be some sort of record.)  Papa Montgomery, who’s brother (from what I gather) committed suicide as a teen (or maybe he OD’d), is extremely concerned, and rightfully so.

Aria’s mom, on the other hand, who’s usually the less lame parent of these two, sort of seems like she’s in denial about the whole thing.  Now, I’m DEFINITELY thinking that Mike has become just as much a victim of A’s torturing as his sister.  She (or he) has something on him, and I’m guessing it’s pretty big . . .  something that makes home invasion seem like a walk in the park.

Speaking of Aria . . .

Tempted by the Hair of Another . . .

“The truth is Aria.  I’m really a vampire.  And I put dirty dreams into your brain, while you sleep at night.  Then I take pictures of you, and use them while spanking my monkey.” 

So, you want to hear something shocking.  I actually think that all this time that Aria and Fitzy have been dating one another, they NEVER DID THE DEED!

NO!  I’M SERIOUS!   This episode all but gave that information away.  The first piece of evidence, is Aria’s impromptu seduction of Fitzy in his office at Hollis.  She seems determined to screw those Jason dreams right out of her brain . . .

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 But Fitzy is oddly hesitant, despite the obvious hard-on he started sporting the minute Aria removed her coat.  “I have class in 15 minutes,” he says, as they start making out hard core . . .

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The party quickly moves to the couch.  And that’s where things REALLY get interesting . . .

At this point, most of us are thinking THIS . . .

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But then they cut away to another scene, before anyone can get Nekkid . . .

Next thing you know, Aria’s getting A LOT of food out of the vending machine, so . . . post coital munchies, perhaps?

But then Fitzy comes back and he’s FULLY DRESSED, with his TIE ON PERFECTLY.  Hmmm . . . Of course, he COULD have re-dressed himself before class (He only had 15 minutes, after all!).  But then there’s that conversation he has with Aria, where he’s all “concerned” about the reason behind her aggressive seduction, and thinks something is up, and wants to talk about her “FEELINGS.”  Yeah . . . NOT the kind of conversation one has after mindblowing sex . . .

To add insult to injury, we flip to this . . .

Now, we’re talkin!

Fitzy remarks that he wishes Aria could stay at his place every night, and she makes a comment about being REALLY GLAD SHE WAITED.  (In other words: bye, bye Aria’s virginity!  Nice knowing ya!)  But then she walks to the mirror, and the scene changes to THIS . . .

 “You can’t stop thinking about me, can you?” Facelift Jason whispers seductively in Aria’s ear .  . .

AND it’s wake up time . . .

“I’ve really gotta lay off that vending machine food.” 

So, yeah, as unrealistic as it sounds, if Aria’s “first time” occurred IN HER DREAM, than she hasn’t done it yet in real life, which means Fitzy must have the most painful pair of THESE the world has ever seen . . .

  And so the Little Christian Channel that Could subtly transmits its message to the Youth of America.  TEASE!  Now, I’m just wondering if Spencer and Toby have done it yet . . . any guesses?

“I Care About You, so let’s SCREW!

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Facelift Jason stops by Aria’s house unexpectedly to put the moves on her to give her little brother, Headcase Mike, his number for “counseling” or something . . .  But close physical contact with Facelift Jason (he fondles her arm, while he’s giving her the card), causes Aria to get those “dream feelings.”  (It’s a good thing girls don’t get hard-ons, you know?)  So, she makes some lame excuse about studying, and kicks a surprised Facelift to the curb.

She seriously looks mesmerized in this scene.  Are we entirely sure Facelift Jason ISN’T a vampire?  It would explain SO MUCH! 

“Invite me in, Aria.  I van’t to suck your blood . . .

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“I know a member of my own kind, when I see one.”

Later, Facelift Vampire Jason hunts down Aria in his car, in the middle of the night, and admits that he has feelings for her.  WELL DUHHHHHH!  You couldn’t have made THAT more obvious if you skywrote it across all of Rosewood, boyfriend!

Vampires always drive the nicest cars . . . 

Without waiting for a response to his statement, Facelift Vampire Jason pulls Aria in for a neck sucking kiss, and Aria lingers a bit longer than someone who has NO feelings for a person should.

 *nom-nom, nom*  Tastes like chicken . . .

It all seemed a bit rushed to me.  And I was surprised by how LITTLE game Facelift Vampire Jason has.  Aria might have been surprised too, as she nervously sputters that she is taken, before dashing back to the house . . .

“Rats, foiled again . . .” 

Watching this exchange is Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett . . . well, at least ONE of them is watching . . .

The pair express concern that Aria and Jason will “hook up,” and she will get him to remember what happened on the night of Ali’s murder.  This conversation once again seems to confirm my theory that Jason DID NOT kill Ali, but was passed out nearby, when the murder was going down.  Whether B.J. (my new nickname for Blind Jenna . . . like it?) and Police Boy actually COMMITTED the murder themselves, remains to be seen.

Elsewhere, in Sleuthing Spencer Land . . .

Photo Finish

After having a weird conversation with her mother, in which the latter tells her she shouldn’t trust ANY of the Dilaurentis’, and that her father’s decision to DESTROY Ali’s murder weapon was probably the right one, a high strung Spencer commandeers Emily to go snooping around Facelift Vampire Jason’s secret vampire bat cave . . .


Hi, Spencer Face . . . please allow me to introduce you to Emily Face . . .”

What they find in there is a photo dark room, filled with a ton of surveillance equipment, and . . . wait for it . . . photos of close-ups of various parts of Aria’s body taken . . . WHILE SHE WAS SLEEPING . . .

 

SOMEBODY wears a lot of makeup to bed .  . . 

Spencer and Emily hear Jason returning to the dark room to jerk off, or eat bunnies, your pick and escape just in time, except THEY FORGOT THEIR FLASHLIGHT!  Morons.

“Great!  I needed one of these!”

When they dumbly return to get it, the girls are shocked to find that Jason has cleared the place of everything . . . EXCEPT THEIR FLASHLIGHT!

Spencer Face and Emily Face: The Sequel

The girls frantically try to call Aria to warn her, but can’t seem to get her on the phone.  Will they find her, before Facelift Vampire Jason makes her his Princess of Eternal Darkness?  Only time will tell . . .

In the final moments of the episode, we see Gloved Hand, in the formerly empty dark room developing . . . you guessed it, an incriminating shot of Spencer and Emily breaking into Jason’s shed.  Someone has some EXPLAINING TO DO!

Geez!  I thought “A” was supposed to be all “HI-TECH.”  Why not invest in a digital camera?

And that’s all she wrote, my Pretties.  Next week on PLL . . . THIS . . .

Oh, and yes, Facelift Vampire Jason.  Since you asked, we ARE still afraid of you we just don’t think you actually killed Alison . . .  🙂

See you then!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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