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ONCE UPON A TIME: Merlin = Sexiest Tree Ever (S5 E5 RECAP)

merlin free

Merlin . . . making trees everywhere super jealous . . .

This week on Once, we learned that, if you betray your family members and wave your hands around erratically, you too can transform a tree into a hot person! Speaking of learning, young Henry discovered that there is no place in the world that is darker than the dreaded Friend Zone. Also this week, Rumpel found inspiration in his dishware. Plus, the dreamcatcher industry got a ton of free advertising, courtesy of ABC.

Let’s review, shall we?

You Got Tree-d!

Once upon a time, there was a sexy sorcerer named Merlin, who cried on his sword about a lost girlfriend vanquished by the Dark One. So, the Dark One used that sword and that tear to turn him into a tree, because turning him into a vegetable seemed too “on the nose.”

veggie-tales

“Hey, we resemble that remark!”

Speaking of “on the nose,” Emma learns this piece of information about Merlin by staring into his dreamcatcher. Apparently, dreamcatchers not only catch your dreams, but also all that other crap rolling around your head at any given time. Pretty scary, right? Remind me to wrap my head in tinfoil next time I’m around one of these dreamcatchers, because that will totally protect my brain from their nosiness. Tinfoil keeps out everything!

tin-foil-hat

Other things Emma learned from staring at her dreamcatcher: how King Arthur turned her parents into Stepford Doofuses!

Emma freezes her Stepford Doofus-ized parents right before they take the Dark One sword from Regina in order to relay these important pieces of information to the erstwhile Evil Queen.

Regina and Emma decide together that, since a tear over lost love was the ingredient that tree-d Merlin, a similar tear from someone else (mixed with some of Emma’s dark magic, naturally) will un-tree him!

“Hey, remember that time your mom murdered your boyfriend right in front of you? I bet that will make you cry!” Emma offers to Regina.

intense

the love

So, Emma and Regina relive the flashback from the episode during which Cora kills Regina’s first love Daniel, and, as it was designed to do, it makes Regina cry. But it also gives Emma some insight into Regina’s inner asshole. “Man, that sucked!” Emma exclaims sympathetically, as she puts the offending dreamcatcher back on the table. “No wonder you were such a raging bitch for the first two seasons of the show, before the writers decided to randomly make you into an overall nice person who’s just a little bit snarky sometimes.”

heart break

But alas, Regina’s tears aren’t enough to un-tree Hot Merlin. “I guess the brutal and traumatic death of a character that only appeared in two episodes isn’t sad enough,” Emma reasons. “Especially now that you have a new boyfriend. Because, on this show, only current love interests matter, and everyone else can go to hell . . . which, by the way, is probably where your boyfriend Daniel is, after he was turned into Frankenstein’s monster and killed all those people.”

“OK, so, whose love story is sad enough to untree Merlin?” Regina wonders.

“I’m thinking the rejection of a thirteen-year-old boy by a thirteen-year-old girl he met two days ago and thinks is kind of attractive,” Emma responds.

“Seriously? A tweenage crush gone sour? Did you forget that my mother MURDERED THE MAN I WAS GOING TO MARRY WHILE I WATCHED?” Regina asks incredulously.

“Yeah, but that was like a long time ago, and, like I said, you have a new boyfriend now, so suck it up and get over it, because this ridiculousness is needed for the plot,” Emma answers insistently.

Emma Gets Her Tear

When Henry’s new love interest’s father catches Henry pining over Violet in Camelot, he tells the poor kid, in no uncertain terms, that he disapproves of the courtship. “My daughter needs to marry a knight so he can die at a ridiculously young age on the battlefield and leave her to care for the twelve kids he and she dutifully popped out during the two years they managed to be married before his death. It’s the Medieval Dream! You, modern-day wimpy boy, who will probably live to a ripe old age and only impregnate my daughter 2 or 3 times tops, are simply not marriage material.”

“I want to learn to be a knight so I can die at a young age, after I marry Violet and turn her into a breeding mare,” Henry explains to his moms, Regina and Emma.

“You? A knight?” Emma and Regina snort simultaneously. “She won’t buy it. Better off putting out what works for you . . . like the fact that you live in a modern day world that actually has plumbing, so that your girlfriend will no longer be forced to poop in a chamber pot.”

so different

Inspired, Henry, serves up a modern day date for Violet, complete with candlelight dinner, lasagna, soda, and that same damn song he plays every time he sees her. (Hey, Henry, it’s time to get yourself a Spotify account. They are free now!)

“You seem like a cool enough guy for me to use your bathroom every once in a while, but we are never gonna bone. Sorry!” Violet exclaims, before rushing away.

never be a hero

Henry is devastated by this rejection and rushes to his moms to cry about it. Apparently, these tweenage tears over an unceremonious friend-zoning are way sadder than Regina’s “my fiancé got his heart ripped out of his chest by my mother and died in a puddle at my feet” tears, because Emma uses them, along with some weird dance moves that remind me a bit of the Macarena, to successfully un-tree Merlin.

tear dip

white and dark

“Hello, my name is Merlin. And boy are my arms tired from holding them upward in tree pose for a million years. Also, I’m sexy. I’m too sexy for the tree I used to be. Any questions?” Merlin asks.

hes back

“Do you like my cool cape? It came with the tree!”

“Yeah, can you suck the asshole out of me?” Emma inquires hopefully.

“Do you really want the asshole sucked out of you?” Merlin responds.

And, although the answer would seem to be super obvious, it’s to be continued, because we have to check up on the present day portion of this story . . .

You can check out the rest of this recap HERE.

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ONCE UPON A TIME: Holding Hands While Doing The Wave and Other Tips to Fight Evil (S5:E2 RECAP)

cumbaya

carebear stareee

This week on Once, we got to take a longer look at those lost weeks in Camelot, which transformed Emma from a Savior with Greasy Hair and a Slight Asshole Problem . . .

never emb

. . . . to the Biggest Asshole on the Planet with a Teensy Weensy Savior Complex.

im the ak one

Also this week on Once, Robin Hood proved that being good with a bow and arrow doesn’t necessarily translate to being good at . . . well . . . anything else.

robin hood

Robin Hood is the Mr. Bill of Once, basically.

As for the other men on Once, Henry learned that it’s easy to be a pimp when you and the girl of your dreams are the only two people on the show with speaking parts who are within ten years of your age.

ouat season 3 henry doesnt lie

And Dopey got to take the title of Second Most Important Dwarf on Once, by getting turned into a tree. DO you know how much oxygen those things produce? Let’s review, shall we?

Tree to Be You and Me

made a tree

Over in Hangover: Storybrooke Edition, the newly amnesiac dwarves have decided to skip town, because it only has one place to eat, no fun activities to speak of (apart from battling CGI Villains of the Week), and no words in any of its books . . .

ouat 4.2 dwarves

(At least the guys in the real Hangover movie got to hang out in Vegas with Mike Tyson and his pet tiger . . . UPGRADE!)

. . . also because they are really scared of Emma, who wears a bun, dresses in black, has weird eyebrows, and therefore, must be the Biggest Asshole on the Planet.

The dwarves want to know what sort of bad thing will happen to them this season when they leave town, so they bully their least valuable player, Dopey, into testing the waters and endangering his life for the rest of them. (Personally, I would have gone with Sneezy, who had already been turned into a stone garden gnome by Emma in last week’s episode and, therefore, really had nothing else to lose.)

freez

At first, Dopey seems fine, but then he turns into a tree, which proves that Emma might be the Biggest Asshole on the Planet, but she’s also a huge conservationist. Last I checked, Storybrooke had seven dwarves, but only like three trees. And since trees are clearly more useful than dwarves, our “Dark One” was just evening the score a little bit, while also, possibly, trying to prevent Global Warming. Why should Emma be persecuted for this? Who knew Storybrooke was filled with so many Republicans?

Sav-ior Ass

at the tree

Back in Camelot, our fairytale gang learn that another “evil” conservationist went and turned Wizard Merlin into a tree too. “So, if we turn the tree back into a wizard, maybe he can bang the asshole out of Emma,” Hook muses, excitedly. “Except, not in, like, a sexual way, because I’m the only asshole who should be banging stuff out of Emma in that way,” he adds nervously.

“Only the Savior can chop down this awesome tree and turn it into a boring wizard who isn’t even good enough at his job to prevent himself from being turned into an awesome tree,” King Arthur explains conversationally.

Emma is about to reveal herself as the Savior, until Regina puppet masters her with her sword and declares that SHE is the Savior.

shut up and aw used to

“That’s cool,” King Arthur replies. “Let’s throw a party so you all have an excuse to get dressed up in period costumes and dance. Also, meet my wife Guinevere. She has a very thick foreign accent and no other definable personality traits.”

Then some hot dude comes and gives Regina an “I’m the Savior” purple necklace to wear to the ball, while stroking his Evil Mustache and Laughing Malevolently.

becklace beck

Regina, of course, suspects no ill will from this obviously-up-to-no-good guy, because she’s a Good Person now, and all Good People on this show are required to be frustratingly stupid when it comes to predicting the evil machinations of Not Good People.

To Love an Asshole Is to Be an Asshole, Just a Different Kind of Asshole

love one careful

Back in Storybrooke, Asshole Emma and her Assholey Bunhead are helping us viewers to narrow the field of people who actually betrayed her in Camelot by being somewhat less of a dick to some characters on the show than others. For example, she’s still totally cool with her son Henry. She also propositions Hook to come back to her new crib and bang the sh*t out of her, because, as we’ve previously established, Hook’s spectacular prowess in the sack is one of the main reasons she’s kept him around this long in the first place.

dark one cant be

Belle, being no stranger to the overwhelming desire to bang the sh*t out of major assholes, cautions Hook to try to think with the piece of meat between his ears, as opposed to the one between his legs.

lonely hearts

But Hook is totally convinced that by sticking his tongue down Emma’s throat, he can lick the asshole right out of her, so he doesn’t listen to Belle.

making out with evil

Needless to say, it doesn’t work. But Hook somehow manages to keep it in his pants long enough to fend off Emma’s advances, thereby, leaving Hook, Emma, and all the TV Viewers with a major case of these . . .

ouat 4.1 blue balls

The Fast and the Fury-us

In addition to turning characters with non-speaking roles and no relevance to the plot into useful, oxygen- producing trees, Emma’s curse also apparently involves bringing the cast of Camelot over to Storybrooke, which is really a bigger punishment for the Camelot folks than for anybody else on the show, because, as we’ve already established, Storybrooke is a lame place to vacation.

“Is that all you got? Trees, a bunch of medieval dudes, and a mild case of amnesia?” Regina challenges. “I’ve made poops with more malevolent intent than your Evil Curse.”

Then a big ole CGI creature that looks kind of like the Dementors from Harry Potter, and the Wraiths from Season 2 of this show, and the flying monkeys from Season 3, and the bad guy from Fantasia we saw last season, appears out of nowhere and takes Regina’s boyfriend away. Robin Hood just kind of hangs back and lets it happen, just like he let his girlfriend get body-snatched by a wicked witch last season, and then let that wicked witch fertilize herself with his seed, and then get kidnapped by that same wicked witch.

fury

“It’s a dementor wraith thing from Fantasia flying monkey Fury,” explains Belle. “It’s kind of like the IRS, only instead of taking people’s homes when they don’t make proper payment, they take people’s people.”

“So, someone has to die in order for me to get my boyfriend back, because I may or may not have killed someone in Camelot. Kind of like those Final Destination movies, only the deaths here are nowhere near as fun and gory?” Regina muses.

“Yeah, that about sums it up,” responds Belle, as she goes back to lovingly stroking the petals of the wilted flower that currently stands in for comatose Rumpel’s weiner.

looking at it

You can check out the rest of this recap HERE!

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