Ever wondered what your favorite werewolf teen show would be like if Jackson was its sometimes-furry protagonist, Danny was his kind-hearted gay sidekick. And Some Douchey Blonde Jock (one of the Alpha Twins, perhaps?) and his girlfriend were his “super cool” pals, who secretly wanted to decapitate him for some extra cash at the mall?
If so, then I proudly present to you, “The Benefactor,” an Alt-World version of the Teen Wolf we know and love, complete with an Entirely New Cast, who Scott and Co. have generously volunteered to babysit for the next hour or so . . .
Not sold yet? Did I mention the episode involves a Party?
Let’s review, shall we?
[As always, special thanks to Andre, for all the glorious screencaps you see here , he may not have an age-inappropriate crush on Liam, like some of us (not me, definitely not me] ladies do, but he sure knows how to capture Scott’s Mini-Me in all his barely post-pubescent glory.]
Tie me up, tie me down . . .
Mere hours have passed since Sexy-but-in-the-need-of-some-serious-Orthodontia Sean was iced by Mouthless Morty on the roof of Beacon Hills Hospital (a.k.a. The Place Where Otherwise Healthy, or Mildly Injured People Go to Get Murdered by Psychopaths), and Scott accidentally bit young Liam while trying to save him from falling to his death from the roof of a tall building using (naturally) his mouth . . .
“I’ve earned this dirt nap.”
Sheriff Stilinski has politely shooed away his well-meaning, but generally useless, apart from the occasional “red-shirt” murder, clan of Keystone cops, so self-proclaimed “cannibal expert” Derek Hale can case the crime scene.
Smells like Teen Spirit.
“Someone else was here,” Derek remarks sagely. “He was young, attractive, not-legal, vaguely resembled Jackson from Seasons 1 and 2, and was apparently bleeding like a stuck pig, all over the damn roof.”
“Who me? Couldn’t be?”
“Good to know,” replies Sheriff Stilinski, who, unbeknownst to him, just so happens to be harboring the adorable twink in his bathtub. (I hope they used Scrubbing Bubbles first!)
The definition of a good friend is someone who won’t judge you, even after you tell them you bit a freshman boy on the arm, tied his hands, arms, legs, and lips together with duct tape, and, without permission, dumped him in said good friend’s shower for safe keeping . . .
“Can someone at least toss me a rubber duckie? He makes bathtime so much more fun!”
In case it is not already readily apparent, Stiles Stilinski is a saint for putting up with all of Scott’s sh*t over the past three seasons. (But, in Scott’s defense, the furry pal was surprisingly understanding, back when Stiles was going through his whole Evil Japanese Spirit Phase.)
“Dammit Scott, I really wanted to take a shower!“
What I loved about this scene was how totally uncomfortable Scott and Stiles became at the site of Liam’s Crocodile Tears, when they were trying to explain to the kid why they felt it necessary to kidnap his ass and deprive him of the use of his limbs.
“Now you behave!”
“Says the guy who just kidnapped me, thereby committing a felony . . .”
(It is a universal truth that men are as skeeved out by the sight of people crying, as they are by even the most remote mention of women’s “monthly changes.”)
“Ewwww emotions, gross!”
Liam, apparently, knew this. (Maybe he has sisters?) And used it to his advantage, getting Scott and Stiles to untie his ass, and drop their guard, just long enough for him to smack them on the heads with a chair, and make his death-defying escape.
“You just got chair-ed, chumps!”
“What the heck is your problem, Liam?” Stiles whined, clearly offended by the rudeness of his hostage, who left without even thanking his captors for their hospitality. (That tub was sparkling clean! Not that self-absorbed Liam would notice!)
“Does this mean you don’t want to borrow my bathrobe?”
Meanwhile, in a sparsely furnished apartment, where no one ever heard of a lamp, downtown . . .
Don’t Worry Peter. Derek is next . . .
Question, what’s the first thing you do when you enter an apartment, and know for a fact that no one else is home?
“Hello Darkness, my old friend.”
You know what I do? I TURN ON LIGHTS! LOTS OF THEM! It’s a pesky little idiosyncrasy of mine: I like to see where I’m going, make sure there aren’t any mouthless axe murderers with laptop computers that make their voices sound like Darth Vader, lying In wait for my arrival . . .
“If no one turns on the lights, how can they appreciate my swanky new outfit!”
Not Peter though, “Hi Honey, I’m home,” he calls out, arms outstretched, as if waiting for a big ole dudebro hug from his nephew Derek, or an axe in the chest from Mouthless Morty, whichever comes first . . .
“This kind of stings. Not going to lie.”
What sucks for Peter is that, in this particular instance, he seems to just be a guy in the Wrong Place at the Wrong Time. Despite the fact that seemingly everybody and there mother would like to brutally murder Peter, in this instance, Mouthless Morty just finds this Scar to Derek’s Mufasa, a trifling inconvenience, a non-worthwhile target, which is why he axes him in the chest, as opposed to the carotid artery, a shot to maim, not to kill . . . a message to the True Target that his days are numbered . . ..
Speaking of Scar and Mufasa, let’s check back in on our little Simba Scott and his cubbie pals, shall we?
50 Shades of Malia
Sheriff Stilinski has learned a lot since Season 1, like, for example, not to question his son, when he’s trying out a new-old set of chains on his new-soon-to-be-old girlfriend . . .
Hey Stilinski, considering how every single other one of your furry friends has managed to escape from your sorry attempts at bondage during the full moon, don’t you think it’s time to splurge on something . . . I don’t know, a little stronger, perhaps?
Or, at least, a matching set of whips and some chaps. What kind of sadist, doesn’t wear chaps? A second rate one, that’s who!
Speaking of Malia, Kira gently suggests to Lydia that the reason their new gal pal is failing pre-calc, might be the ridiculously incomprehensible notes with which genius Lydia is providing her every single school night . . .
“You know what we can really use right about now, a key.”
“I’ve been a bit distracted, lately,” admits a guilty-looking Lydia, who has most certainly not been deliberately sabotaging the studies of her former male love interest, as a way to get her left back a grade, and out of the social circle, no sir!
In other news, did someone say, “Keys to an abandoned Lake House on the night of a Full Moon?”
I don’t know about you, but I sure smell an Underage Orgy in the making . . .
Speaking of unseemly scents . . .
“The Bite is the Gift . . . that Keeps on Giving . . . Like Herpes, or HPV”
Hey Liam, I know that riding the bus to school isn’t exactly a surefire path to high school popularity, but neither is stumbling into homeroom drenched in stress sweat, after sprinting a 5K on a leg you supposedly recently broke during lacrosse practice . . .
“Can I interest you in borrowing some Old Spice Body Spray? It made a man out of me, just like the commercial said!”
So, remember that time when Derek stalked Scott around school, spouting out Yoda-like pearls of wisdom, including sparkling pearls of wisdom like “The bite is a gift,” and “Your life is about to undergo some serious changes.”
But we weren’t at all supposed to find it creepy, because Derek owned a leather jacket and looked like this, without his shirt on?
Yeah, this isn’t quite working for Scott . . .
Face it, McCall, you are never going to be a Cool Hot Older Brother Figure like Derek, or a Suave Snarky Evil Uncle like Peter, if you want Little Liam to listen to you, disarm him, the way you do everyone else on this show, with your Magical Nerd Charms . . .
. . . or, just pimp out your hot Asian girlfriend and her “adorable” inability to walk on two legs, without falling on her face . . .
“Teeny Wolf like, a lot!”
You wouldn’t like Li, when he’s angry . . .
So,you say you have a new young friend with “Anger Management Issues,” who is going through some “personal stuff” that just so happens to coincide with the night of the full moon?
No big deal, just try to chain him up in a secluded area, in a close proximity to Lots of Innocent Teenagers!
After all, it worked out so well . . . All Those Other Times, remember?
As enamored as Liam may, at first, be with Kira, a.k.a She Who Sexy Walks in Slow Motion, Before Falling Flat on her Face, and inviting random freshmen to her party, that fascination quickly fades when she brings him to what seriously looks like the Worst Party Ever, hosted by none other than, the Creepy Guy Who Bit Him in the Arm, and the Other Creepy Guy Who Helped Keep Him Tied Up in the Bathtub.
Introductions are quickly made around the room, as everybody tells the new kid about their super cool supernatural alter ego . . . except Stiles, who used to be evil, but now . . . isn’t. Malia even flashes her shiny new blue color contacts at Liam, which only serves to make him REALLY, REALLY PISSED OFF . . .
“Hey, Blue Eyes aren’t just something you can turn on and off at will, dammit! They are special genetic anomalies! And my parents worked hard to get me mine . . . and by worked hard, I mean, had sex with each other.”
And like any hormonal boy would, he decides to take his anger out on the hard wood floors of Lydia’s parents lake house . . .
That’s when the cavalry arrives . . .
You ever decide to have a small intimate gathering of friends at your house . . .
. . . and one or two of your friends casually mention it to some of their friends . . .
. . . and those friends mention it to a few other people, who are kind of your friends, but not really . . .
. . . and then, before you know it, everybody and their mother is waiting outside on your front doorstep?
Well, that’s kind of what happened here . . .
Elsewhere in Town, Mouthless Morty has oh so conveniently left his Darth Vader Voice (complete with matching Evil Glove) at Derek’s apartment, enabling the Sheriff and his pals to determine that he (1) has a military background; (2) is a hitman getting paid off by someone called . . . I’ll give you a hint . . . it’s the title of this episode . . .
“I think its time we upgraded our computers.”
Taming the Beast
Back at Werewolf House Party 2 – Electric Boogaloo, Kira and Scott drag an already wolfing out Liam (gold eyes, not blue, so, anger management problems aside, he hasn’t murdered anyone . . . yet) to a nearby boat house, where Kira, who has a talent for wielding all things long, pointy and phallic looking, whacks Liam in the noggin with an oar. The hit is hard enough to knock him unconscious, but not hard enough to scar his pretty boy face. (Clearly, Jeff Davis knows where his bread is buttered.)
Things are going slightly less smoothly in the basement of Lydia’s house, where Stiles and Malia are engaging in some pillow talk. “I want to rip out your heart and crush it with my bare hands,” Malia offers flirtatiously.
“This is my happy face.”
“Been there, done that,” remarks Stiles casually.
Clearly, this is not his first time at the S&M rodeo.
You’ve really got to hand it to the little guy. I mean, he’s in this relationship with Malia for the long haul, and clearly he’s not just into her because her looks . . .
“Bad hair day?”
Don’t feel bad, Malia. After a rough night of drinking, we’ve all had some mornings, when we looked like this . . . It’s nothing a really large pair of sunglasses, and some heavy duty foundation couldn’t cure!
You know what makeup can’t cure though, not having a head, as secret werewolf Logan the Beer Keg guy learns when new chick Violet garrotes him with her necklace, only to return to the party moments later to swap spit with her boyfriend, Douchey Garrett.
“I hate my job.”
“Lost my head.”
Now, that’s just cold!
“He had it coming. He was overcharging for beer.”
Naughty and Nice
If I had to offer up an early pick for Favorite Teenier Wolf newbie, I’d definitely go with Mason. He’s quiet, mild mannered, super polite, and even knows how to get red wine stains out of a white carpet. Talk about a useful guy to have around in a pinch!
“Have no fear. I am the Carpet Whisperer.”
Unfortunately, Lydia has much more pressing problems than a few unsightly stains. She’s got faces peeking out of her walls!
“This is the ugliest piece of abstract art I have ever seen.”
Now THAT is going to knock at least 100K off the sales price . . .
Over in the boat house, virginal Kira shows her naughty side by trying to sexually arouse Scott enough to get him to wolf out, while poor Liam is stuck watching and wondering what might have been.
B*tch! No wonder the kid is pissed off! Blue balls are real. And I’ve been told they hurt . . . a lot!
Control is Overrated
These are the words Stiles use to break through to Malia, and convince her not to break his face.
Wait . . . WHAT?
Now, don’t get me wrong. I love me some Stiles, so much that pretty much every word that comes out of his mouth is pure gold to me. But when it comes to inspirational speeches, this one strikes me as a bit stale.
Don’t hate me yet. Just hear me out. Stiles tells Malia that a part of him liked being the Nogitsune, because it made him feel in control . . .
Except he wasn’t in control, he was possessed. And Malia is not in control when she looks like something out of a Japanese horror movie, while threatening to rip out Stiles’ skull in monster voice.
If you ask me, I think control has been vastly underrated . . .
But what do I know? I’m not a were-anything . . .
On one of the message boards it was suggested that this concept of “losing control” to “gain control,” has much less to do with Stiles and Malia, and more to do with Scott FINALLY gaining the power to become the Gorilla Thing his True Alpha self has instinctively shied away from being for a season and a half . . .
Maybe this whole control theme is all about the Scooby Gang of Beacon Hills accepting the things about themselves they cannot change, and becoming stronger for it . . .
Then again, maybe Jeff Davis just wrote the line “Control is Overrated,” because he thought it would look good on a t-shirt . . .
I Got Your Text
I may have spoken a bit too soon, when I chastised Mouthless Morty for leaving his Voicebox at the scene of the crime. As a turns out, this was all an elaborate trap, designed to get Derek to track (via WiFi, naturally) Morty to the high school, where he could tomahawk his ass, without all those pesky cops get in the way . . .well . . . almost all of those pesky cops . . .
In other technology news, Papa Argent may not like to shave anymore. And he probably won’t answer your phone calls, or respond to your E-Vites. But he can always be counted on to respond to your text messages . . . particularly when they say something to the effect of: “Teenie Wolf is about to kick my True Alpha Ass. How embarrassing! SOS!”
Speaking of Argents, I bet you’ll never guess which recently departed one’s name happens to be the key to crack the jibberish code all those dead supernaturals were forcing Lydia to jot down compulsively in her Pre-Calculus notebook . . .
That’s right . . . ALLISON, subconsciously leading were creatures to their untimely demises, since some time in the mid-nineties . . .
You’re not a Monster (But you sure look like one!)
Bonus points for any Werebanger, who didn’t have to stifle a laugh when Sheriff Stilinski attempted to read Mouthless Morty his Miranda Rights, when he arrested him in the hallway of Beacon Hills High.
But, of course, the episode MVP award must go to Peter Hale, who waltzed into the school like a BAMF just as the arrest was happening, and casually, calmly and quietly, murdered the living stuffing out of Mouthless Morty, then proceeded to yank out his guts, just to be absolutely certain he wouldn’t come back to life, ala Kate . . .
Sometimes sociopathy can be really hot . . .
Elsewhere, after an entire episode of pussy-footing around Liam, Scott finally found his balls, and forced Liam to give him some friggin respect, by red eyeing his ass. “You’re not a monster. You’re a werewolf, like me. (Except, I’m cooler than you, because I have red eyes. Remember that, b*tch!”)
Liam looks vaguely impressed. Then again, maybe he’s just tired. He’s had a really crappy night.
So, why didn’t Scott just do his whole “Alpha Roar” thing to gain dominion over Beta Liam, in the first place? (It certainly would have saved everybody a whole lot of trouble, rescued Lydia’s carpet from wine, saved Beer Boy Logan from losing his head, literally, and prevented that window from being broken . . .)
Well, that wouldn’t have been nearly as much fun, now would it?
Speaking of fun, hey Scooby Gang. The Benefactor says you’re all going to die! And what’s worse, all the other supernaturals in Beacon Hills are apparently worth more money than you chumps . . .
Sucks to be you!
Until next time, Werebangers!