Greetings Upper East Siders! Well, it’s been a long and bumpy ride (complete with about 50 bad decisions, 30 meta-references to previous seasons, 25 questionable fashion choices, 3 different Gossip Girls, a car accident, a dead baby, a cyborg wedding, and Dan’s hair).
But we’ve made it to the end of another season of Gossip Girl.
With only ten episodes (and one retrospective) remaining in the entire series, “The Return of the Ring” was arguably GG’s most important episode to date! After all, where each of these characters landed at the end of the episode will undoubtedly play a major role in determining their Ultimate Destination. For some characters, their futures are looking quite bright . . .
For others? Not so much . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
For the Upper East Side’s resident genius . . .
. . . Season 5 (like every season before it) was mainly about the ladies. First there was the Cougar . . .
Then, the Imposter . . .
And, finally the Ingenue . . .
But with Diana out of the Country, Ivy still largely persona non-grata with the NJBC, and Lola headed out of town to be a Flying Monkey or something . . . Nate’s sure to find himself with a pair of these, this summer . . .
And yet that newfound loneliness will give him all the time and energy he needs to set his sights on yet another lady . . . one who’s arguably more important to the Upper East Side than all of Nate’s other recent women combined . . . Gossip Girl.
That’s right! Thanks to a surprise video tip from Diana, our pretty little intrepid journalist might just be hot on GG’s trail. The question is what will he do when he finds her? Take her down? Or take her to bed? The answer to that question will likely comprise Nate’s journey through Gossip Girl’s final season.
Who are we kidding? We know he’s going to f*&k her. XOXO, indeed!
As for Gossip Girl herself, I have a little theory on who she might be . . .
Lately, I’ve been concocting this theory that Minion #1, Penelope has been Gossip Girl, all along. Think about it. She’s the only character that’s been on the show consistently since the pilot episode, who isn’t part of main cast. For five seasons, she’s been close enough to the NJBC to obtain the information she needs to do the job, but distant enough from them to avoid detection.
As further evidence of my case, in this, the latest episode of Gossip Girl, Penelope was found with her well-manicured fingers all over Blair Waldorf’s precious diaries. Later, she allied with the Queen B’s frenemy Serena, to keep Blair from attending the Shepard’s Divorce Party, and possibly reuniting with the Donut. Wouldn’t it be ironic, if the same minion Blair has hired time and time again, to put out the fires Gossip Girl has set on her life, actually ended up being Gossip Girl, herself . .
However, while I’ve been long suspecting Penelope of being the Girl Behind the Laptop, many of YOU have set your sights on another of Nate’s ladies . . .
Never one to be fully comfortable with the World of Wealth and Privilege her family and Nate inhabited, for Lola, the absolute last straw was learning that her Aunt Lily, had sabotaged her mother’s legal defense, by hiring an attorney to take on and subsequently botch her case. So, this week, Lola decided to turn over her recently inherited share of Grandma Cece’s estate to, her former imposter, Ivy, of all people.
(And why not? Cece bequested it to HER, in the first place.) Lola’s only precondition to the payout? That Ivy use it to bring down the Malevolent Lily van der Woodsen Bass Humphrey Bass . . .
As for Lola herself, after turning down Nate’s invitation to move in with her, she ended the episode by heading off on tour with the Broadway show Wicked as a “swing” . . . a.k.a. a perpetual Flying Monkey or munchkin. Rumor has it, we won’t be seeing her again any time soon . . .
Unlike her pseudo alter ego, Lola, Ivy always seemed to fit quite well into the Upper East Side world. In fact, girlfriend was so desperate to fit in, that even after being shunned by the entire VDW clan, a few weeks back, Ivy willing volunteered to play a major part in one of the NJBC’s classic takedown schemes . . . playing a hooker no less. With cash at her disposal, and Revenge on her menu, something tells me Ivy will be a major player on the Upper East Side in Season 6 . . .
Speaking of people with something to prove . . .
Spurned by his wife for the Upper East Side’s undead answer to Montgomery Burns, the UES’ favorite house husband, will probably spend much of the summer holed up in Brooklyn, licking his wounds, and using his recently filed annulment papers as some very expensive toilet paper.
But wimpy as he might be (he is Donut Dan’s dad, after all), something tells me the Elder Humphrey won’t be going down, without a fight. My prediction? He and Lily will reunite, once and for all, in the series finale . . .
Lily van der Woodsen
From her petty (not to mention incredibly greedy) attempts to sabotage her own dead mother’s will . . . to her icy cold treatment of her newfound niece Lola . . . to her intolerance for living anywhere that isn’t the Upper East Side . . . to her callous dismissal of her husband . . .to the malevolent way she sabotaged her own sister’s legal defense, Lily van der Woodsen has been a nearly impossible character to root for this season.
And her recent decision to annul her marriage to Rufus Humphrey, in favor of Comic Book Super Villain
Montgomery Burns Bart Bass certainly doesn’t help matters.
However, I predict that Season 6 will be Lily’s Redemption Story. And that Chuck Bass will play a major role in that. After all, Lily’s care and support of her adopted son is one of the most relatable aspects of her usually chilly character. (It could even be argued, that Lily is a better mother to Chuck than she is to Serena or Eric.)
I’m thinking that when Lily finds out the true story of how Bart vindictively ripped the Empire away from the same son, who recently saved his life, she won’t be keeping the Bass bed warm much longer. Speaking of Bart . . .
This asshat’s in for a major takedown, NJBC-style! I mean, here’s a guy who used his own son’s lifelong love for a woman to rip the business the latter spent years building right out from under him! That’s just cold!
With the Empire back under his sole control, his lady by his side, and the man who tried to have him killed behind bars, Chuck’s dad seems to be riding pretty hight right now.
But the higher they rise, the harder they fall. And with his son and his uncle plotting his demise, something tells me, Season 6 isn’t going to end all that pleasantly for the elder Bass . . .
Speaking of falling from grace . . .
Serena van der Woodsen
The pilot episode of this series began with a UES exiled and drug-addled Serena VDW staring forelornly out a dirty bus window, after getting caught screwing her best friend’s boyfriend on top of a bar at the Shepard’s wedding.
The season 5 finale had Serena making a similar mess of things . . . first by inadvertently leaking her bestie Blair’s diaries to Gossip Girl . . . and later by seducing Blair’s then boyfriend Donut Dan . . . you guessed it . . . on top of a bar at the Shepard’s wedding (She even videotaped it, for heaven sakes). Rejected by her best friend, a prospective employer, and the object of her affection (Donut . . . no accounting for taste), all in one episode, Serena has once again truly hit rock bottom.
And if the final scene of this episode is any indication, she’ll spend the summer snorting nose candy, and getting felt up by drug dealers on trains.
My prediction for Serena in Season 6? An emergency intervention led by all her friends, who, mad as they might be at her right now, love her too much to see her throw her life away like this . . . again.
Oh, and hopefully she’ll end up with Nate. I always really liked those two together . . .
Speaking of people who recently f*&ked Serena . . .
Five seasons, and Dan still hasn’t managed to cut that ridiculous hair.
The Season 5 finale was a “hard” one for the Donut, in more ways than one. Of course, it was no suprise to any of us, that Blair ultimately (FINALLY) ditched Humpty Humphrey for the real love of her life, Chuck Bass.
But Donut didn’t see it coming, deluded as he was by the notion that if he whined hard enough, and gave Blair a sufficient number of ultimatums, she would be bullied into choosing him instead.
Given that, it’s not surprising that Humpty Humphrey spent the second half of the episode getting wasted with Serena, and humping her at a Divorce Party, of all places. After all, when the going gets tough, the tough get f*&ked by their ex’s best friends.
Now, you would think that the Donut would be at least somewhat remorseful of his actions. After all, since Blair hadn’t publicized her choice yet, at the time Dan was screwing Serena, he technically cheated on her. But nooooo . . . Donut remains just as self-righteous as he was in the pilot episode.
And by the episode’s end, he’s literally making a deal with Devil, i.e. Georgina, to evicerate his former Upper East Side friends in a nonfiction expose.
Hey, at least, with Georgina as his snarky co-authoress, Dan’s new book will be better than that lame Dair fanfiction he wrote last year . . .
In other news . . .
Who knew the man most known for having Hep C, whore mongering, and his hotels-for-chicks imbroglio was actually a closet romantic?
After being similarly shafted from the Empire by his much older brother, Jack Bass came to a necessary, if uneasy, alliance with fellow shafted family member, Chuck Bass.
Together, the two hit the casinos in Monte Carlo to win big money, and plot their mutual takedown of the malevolent Bart Bass. But first, Jack has some matters of the heart to take care of . . . Chuck’s heart . . .
Of course, I save the best TWO for last . . .
It’s been a roller coaster of a season for our dear Chuck . . . starting with that whirlwind summer he spent in LA, risking his life on a daily basis, and trying in vain to shield himself from the pain of lost love.
Chuck’s return to the Upper East Side brought with it the reopening of old wounds . . . but it also allowed Chuck to open his heart to someone very special . . .
What followed was Chuck’s redemption story. Early on in the seaon, he vowed to become the man Blair needed him to be, even if she never got the chance to experience it herself.
Eventually, however, Blair DID see Chuck for the changed man he was.
And the two shared a blissful, if short, romantic reunion, one that, unfortunately, ended in the tragedy of Blair’s lost baby, and almost ended Chuck’s life.
Following the accident, Chuck lost Blair again, for patently ridiculous reasons. But it didn’t stop him from supporting her, or for paying the dowry that got her out of that sham of a Cyborg marriage.
As if all that wasn’t enough, Chuck went through a series of weeks, where every day he had a new father, and a different mother. Weird!
But with Blair’s help, Chuck finally figured out his real deep dark family secret . . . His father had been alive all this time! In two weeks time Chuck went from, thinking his father wasn’t his father, to finding out his father was alive, to avenging his father’s fake death, to losing his business to that same father! My head spins just thinking about it.
Given all that he’s been through this season, can you blame Chuck for initially being a bit skeptical of Blair’s decision to FINALLY choose him?
But worry not, Chair fans. We all know it’s not REALLY over until Gossip Girl says, “XOXO!”
Lost and found . . . that’s the way I’d describe Blair’s character arc this season. More than any other character, Blair seemed to have lost her way throughout Season 5. Through her weird, dull, and at- times infuriating courtship with Louis-bot . . .
. . . to her ridiculous and uncharacteristically brief foray into religiosity . . .
. . . to her shocking change of style . . .
. . .to the bizarre way in which she magically decided she loooooooved a Donut, and then just as magically decided that she didn’t . . .
. . . Blair seemed to spend much of the season stumbling around in a fog, trying desperately to reconnect with the sexy, spunky, smart, sassy, and strong woman she’d been for twenty years.
But by the end of Season 5, Blair finally found that woman again.
She used that strength to make positive changes in her life . . . first by agreeing to take on her mother’s business . . . then by ditching deadweight Dan . . . and finally . . . by following her heart.
After watching Chuck chase Blair all season, mostly to no avail, it was so satisfying to see Blair finally come to him, with her heart in her hand, ready to begin their future together.
For Chair fans, like myself, there was nothing more satisfying than watching Blair, in the final moments of the episode, refusing to take no for an answer, and deciding to bet it all on the love of her life.
My prediction for these two, next season? The beginning of a well-earned Happily Ever After . . .