Tag Archives: Carol Rhodes

Gossip Girl Season 5 Through the Looking Glass – A look at where all our UES’ers left off, and what this means for the show’s final season . . .

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Greetings Upper East Siders!  Well, it’s been a long and bumpy ride (complete with about 50 bad decisions, 30 meta-references to previous seasons, 25 questionable fashion choices, 3 different Gossip Girls, a car accident, a dead baby, a cyborg wedding, and Dan’s hair).

But we’ve made it to the end of another season of Gossip Girl. 

With only ten episodes (and one retrospective) remaining in the entire series, “The Return of the Ring” was arguably GG’s most important episode to date!  After all, where each of these characters landed at the end of the episode will undoubtedly play a major role in determining their Ultimate Destination.  For some characters, their futures are looking quite bright . . .

For others?  Not so much . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

Nate Archibald

For the Upper East Side’s resident genius . . .

. . . Season 5 (like every season before it) was mainly about the ladies.  First there was the Cougar . . .

Then, the Imposter . . .

And, finally the Ingenue . . .

But with Diana out of the Country, Ivy still largely persona non-grata with the NJBC, and Lola headed out of town to be a Flying Monkey or something . . . Nate’s sure to find himself with a pair of these, this summer . . .

And yet that newfound loneliness will give him all the time and energy he needs to set his sights on yet another lady . . . one who’s arguably more important to the Upper East Side than all of Nate’s other  recent women combined . . . Gossip Girl.

That’s right!  Thanks to a  surprise video tip from Diana, our pretty little intrepid journalist might just be hot on GG’s trail.  The question is what will he do when he finds her?  Take her down?  Or take her to bed?  The answer to that question will likely comprise Nate’s journey through Gossip Girl’s final season.

Who are we kidding?  We know he’s going to f*&k her.  XOXO, indeed!

As for Gossip Girl herself, I have a little theory on who she might be . . .

Penelope Shafai

Lately, I’ve been concocting this theory that Minion #1, Penelope has been Gossip Girl, all along. Think about it. She’s the only character that’s been on the show consistently since the pilot episode, who isn’t part of main cast. For five seasons, she’s been close enough to the NJBC to obtain the information she needs to do the job, but distant enough from them to avoid detection.

As further evidence of my case, in this, the latest episode of Gossip Girl, Penelope was found with her well-manicured fingers all over Blair Waldorf’s precious diaries.  Later, she allied with the Queen B’s frenemy Serena, to keep Blair from attending the Shepard’s Divorce Party,  and possibly reuniting with the Donut.  Wouldn’t it be ironic, if the same minion Blair has hired time and time again, to put out the fires Gossip Girl has set on her life, actually ended up being Gossip Girl, herself . .

However, while I’ve been long suspecting Penelope of being the Girl Behind the Laptop, many of YOU have set your sights on another of Nate’s ladies . . .

Lola Rhodes

Never one to be fully comfortable with the World of Wealth and Privilege her family and Nate inhabited, for Lola, the absolute last straw was learning that her Aunt Lily, had sabotaged her mother’s legal defense, by hiring an attorney to take on and subsequently botch her case.  So, this week, Lola decided to turn over her recently inherited share of Grandma Cece’s estate to, her former imposter, Ivy, of all people.

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(And why not?  Cece bequested it to HER, in the first place.)  Lola’s only precondition to the payout?  That Ivy use it to bring down the Malevolent Lily van der Woodsen  Bass Humphrey Bass . . .

As for Lola herself, after turning down Nate’s invitation to move in with her, she ended the episode by heading off on tour with the Broadway show Wicked as a “swing” . . . a.k.a. a perpetual Flying Monkey or munchkin.  Rumor has it, we won’t be  seeing her again any time soon . . .

Ivy Dickens

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Unlike her pseudo alter ego, Lola,  Ivy always seemed to fit quite well into the Upper East Side world.  In fact, girlfriend was so desperate to fit in, that even after being shunned by the entire VDW clan, a few weeks back, Ivy willing volunteered to play a major part in one of the NJBC’s classic takedown schemes . . . playing a hooker no less.  With cash at her disposal, and Revenge on her menu, something tells me Ivy will be a major player on the Upper East Side in Season 6 . . .

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Speaking of people with something to prove . . .

Rufus Humphrey

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Spurned by his wife for the Upper East Side’s undead answer to Montgomery Burns, the UES’ favorite house husband, will probably spend much of the summer holed up in Brooklyn, licking his wounds, and using his recently filed annulment papers as some very expensive toilet paper.

But wimpy as he might be (he is Donut Dan’s dad, after all), something tells me the Elder Humphrey won’t be going down, without a fight.  My prediction?  He and Lily will reunite, once and for all, in the series finale . . .

Lily van der Woodsen

From her petty (not to mention incredibly greedy) attempts to sabotage her own dead mother’s will . . . to her icy cold treatment of her newfound niece Lola .  . . to her intolerance for living anywhere that isn’t the Upper East Side . . . to her callous dismissal of her husband . . .to the malevolent way she sabotaged her own sister’s legal defense, Lily van der Woodsen has been a nearly impossible character to root for this season.

And her recent decision to annul her marriage to Rufus Humphrey, in favor of Comic Book Super Villain Montgomery Burns Bart Bass certainly doesn’t help matters.

However, I predict that Season 6 will be Lily’s Redemption Story.  And that Chuck Bass will play a major role in that.  After all, Lily’s care and support of her adopted son is one of the most relatable aspects of her usually chilly character.  (It could even be argued, that Lily is a better mother to Chuck than she is to Serena or Eric.)

I’m thinking that when Lily finds out the true story of how Bart vindictively ripped the Empire away from the same son, who recently saved his life, she won’t be keeping the Bass bed warm much longer.  Speaking of Bart . . .

Bart Bass

This asshat’s in for a major takedown, NJBC-style!  I mean, here’s a guy who used his own son’s lifelong love for a woman to rip the business the latter spent years building right out from under him!  That’s just cold!

With the Empire back under his sole control, his lady by his side, and the man who tried to have him killed behind bars, Chuck’s dad seems to be riding pretty hight right now.

But the higher they rise, the harder they fall.  And with his son and his uncle plotting his demise, something tells me, Season 6 isn’t going to end all that pleasantly for the elder Bass . . .

Speaking of falling from grace . . .

Serena van der Woodsen

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The pilot episode of this series began with a UES exiled and drug-addled Serena VDW staring forelornly out a dirty bus window, after getting caught screwing her best friend’s boyfriend on top of a bar at the Shepard’s wedding.

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The season 5 finale had Serena making a similar mess of things . . . first by inadvertently leaking her bestie Blair’s diaries to Gossip Girl . . . and later by seducing Blair’s then boyfriend Donut Dan . . . you guessed it . . . on top of a bar at the Shepard’s wedding (She even videotaped it, for heaven sakes).  Rejected by her best friend, a prospective employer, and the object of her affection (Donut . . . no accounting for taste), all in one episode, Serena has once again truly hit rock bottom.

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And if the final scene of this episode is any indication, she’ll spend the summer snorting nose candy, and getting felt up by drug dealers on trains.

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 My prediction for Serena in Season 6?  An emergency intervention led by all her friends, who, mad as they might be at her right now, love her too much to see her throw her life away like this . . . again.

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 Oh, and hopefully she’ll end up with Nate.  I always really liked those two together . . .

Speaking of people who recently f*&ked Serena . . .

Donut Humphrey

Five seasons, and Dan still hasn’t managed to cut that ridiculous hair.

The Season 5 finale was a “hard” one for the Donut, in more ways than one.  Of course, it was no suprise to any of us, that Blair ultimately (FINALLY) ditched Humpty Humphrey for the real love of her life, Chuck Bass.

But Donut didn’t see it coming, deluded as he was by the notion that if he whined hard enough, and gave Blair a sufficient number of ultimatums, she would be bullied into choosing him instead.

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Given that, it’s not surprising that Humpty Humphrey spent the second half of the episode getting wasted with Serena, and humping her at a Divorce Party, of all places.  After all, when the going gets tough, the tough get f*&ked by their ex’s best friends.

Now, you would think that the Donut would be at least somewhat remorseful of his actions.  After all, since Blair hadn’t publicized her choice yet, at the time Dan was screwing Serena, he technically cheated on her.  But nooooo . . . Donut remains just as self-righteous as he was in the pilot episode.

And by the episode’s end, he’s literally making a deal with Devil, i.e. Georgina, to evicerate his former Upper East Side friends in a nonfiction expose.

Hey, at least, with Georgina as his snarky co-authoress, Dan’s new book will be better than that lame Dair fanfiction he wrote last year  .  . .

In other news . . .

Jack Bass

Who knew the man most known for having Hep C, whore mongering, and his hotels-for-chicks imbroglio was actually a closet romantic?

After being similarly shafted from the Empire by his much older brother, Jack Bass came to a necessary, if uneasy, alliance with fellow shafted family member, Chuck Bass.

Together, the two hit the casinos in Monte Carlo to win big money, and plot their mutual takedown of the malevolent Bart Bass. But first, Jack has some matters of the heart to take care of .  . . Chuck’s heart . . .

Of course, I save the best TWO for last . . .

Chuck Bass

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It’s been a roller coaster of a season for our dear Chuck . . .  starting with that whirlwind summer he spent in LA, risking his life on a daily basis, and trying in vain to shield himself from the pain of lost love.

Chuck’s return to the Upper East Side brought with it the reopening of old wounds . . . but it also allowed Chuck to open his heart to someone very special . . .

What followed was Chuck’s redemption story.  Early on in the seaon, he vowed to become the man Blair needed him to be, even if she never got the chance to experience it herself.

Eventually, however, Blair DID see Chuck for the changed man he was.

And the two shared a blissful, if short, romantic reunion, one that, unfortunately, ended in the tragedy of Blair’s lost baby, and almost ended Chuck’s life.

Following the accident, Chuck lost Blair again, for patently ridiculous reasons.  But it didn’t stop him from supporting her, or for paying the dowry that got her out of that sham of a Cyborg marriage.

As if all that wasn’t enough, Chuck went through a series of weeks, where every day he had a new father, and a different mother.  Weird!

But with Blair’s help, Chuck finally figured out his real deep dark family secret  . . . His father had been alive all this time!  In two weeks time Chuck went from, thinking his father wasn’t his father, to finding out his father was alive, to avenging his father’s fake death, to losing his business to that same father!  My head spins just thinking about it.

Given all that he’s been through this season, can you blame Chuck for initially being a bit skeptical of Blair’s decision to FINALLY choose him?

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But worry not, Chair fans.  We all know it’s not REALLY over until Gossip Girl says, “XOXO!”

Blair Waldorf

Lost and found . . . that’s the way I’d describe Blair’s character arc this season.  More than any other character, Blair seemed to have lost her way throughout Season 5.  Through her weird, dull, and at- times infuriating courtship with Louis-bot . . .

. . .  to her ridiculous and uncharacteristically brief foray into religiosity . . .

. . .   to her shocking change of style . . .

. .  .to the bizarre way in which she magically decided she loooooooved a Donut, and then just as magically decided that she didn’t . . .

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. . .  Blair seemed to spend much of the season stumbling around in a fog, trying desperately to reconnect with the sexy, spunky, smart,  sassy, and strong woman she’d been for twenty years.

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But by the end of Season 5, Blair finally found that woman again.

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She used that strength to make positive changes in her life . . . first by agreeing to take on her mother’s business . . . then by ditching deadweight Dan . . . and finally . . . by following her heart.

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After watching Chuck chase Blair all season, mostly to no avail, it was so satisfying to see Blair finally come to him, with her heart in her hand, ready to begin their future together.

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For Chair fans, like myself, there was nothing more satisfying than watching Blair, in the final moments of the episode, refusing to take no for an answer, and deciding to bet it all on the love of her life.

My prediction for these two, next season?  The beginning of a well-earned Happily Ever After . . .

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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It’s Lonely on the Inside – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Memoirs of an Invisible Dan”

[For those looking for a recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” it’s on it’s WAY!  I just have to load a few more Delena-centric gifs ;), and rework some photo captions.  Best case scenario: it should be up early this afternoon.  Worst case scenario, it should be up by 7 p.m. (Eastern Standard Time)  There’s nothing wrong with being a little “fashionably late,” right? ;)]

“Say cheese, all you miserable people from Dan’s book!”

I’m going to break tradition by beginning this recap with a personal anecdote.  (I promise you it’s at least partially relevant to this recap.)  Here goes . . . I’m a novelist . . . definitely not a famous one, and, possibly, not even a particularly good one.  But, still I (self) published two novels.

And when I did, everyone who knew I published them, inevitably wanted to know if any of the characters in either of the books was based on them.

This is despite the fact that one of my books was about warlocks, and the other one was about a vampire.  (Not exactly memoirs.)  Once the people in my life found out that the books were NOT about them, their next inevitable SUGGESTION was that I write the NEXT one about them.  To this I would always respond some variation of “HELL NO!”  And this episode of Gossip Girl is precisely why . . .

“This book is like the perfect second child I never had . . . We’re just going to pretend Jenny doesn’t exist, OK?”

Good stories require deeply flawed characters . . . the more flawed the better.  No one wants to read a book filled with Mary Sues.  As a result, writing a GOOD book about your friends is the quickest way to lose them.  It’s as simple as that.  (Besides, all my friends are absolutely perfect, and have no flaws, whatsoever. ;))

It’s TRUE! 

Additionally, from personal experience, I can tell you that most books written by a first time novelist take anywhere from seven months to a year to write, sometimes longer.  I only say this because, despite the fact that Dan the Donut might have claimed that he never planned for anyone to read his book, NO ONE works on something for close to a year, just so they can keep it to themselves .  . . Just sayin  . .  .

“Money?  Fame? GIVE ME MORE, NOW!  EWWWW GROSS!” 

But enough about me.  Let’s talk about “Memoirs of an Invisible Dan.”

How to Lose Friends and Alienate Upper East Siders

We open up the episode with what I believe is the first of many “flashbacks” to scenes from Dan’s book.  The scene features Dan, er, I mean “Dylan,” walking through a sea of old fogey well wishers at his book party, without a friend in sight.

“All by mysellllf (surrounded by old people) . . . don’t wanna be, all by myself (surrounded by old people), anymoreeeeeeee.” 

The REAL Dan wakes from his reverie to hear his new publisher’s assistant babbling on about his upcoming book party, during which he will be revealed as the anonymous author of “Inside.”

“Would you just shut up about my book, for a second, so that I can show you my awesome Elvis impersonation?  Thank you . . . thank you very much.” 

Hmmm . . . so let me get this straight . . . at the end of “Inside” the Dan character publishes a book similar to “Inside,” which is actually similar to the Gossip Girl books, on which the Gossip Girl show is based?

Excuse me, I think my head just popped off trying to wrap my brain around all this . . .

Don’t worry . . . I’ll put it back on . . .

Dan continues to assure the publisher’s assistant that the Dylan character in the book is NOT actually him.  And yet he’s frightened to tell all his friends about the book, because the Dylan character’s friends in the book are almost exactly like THEM, with some key changes.  You know, as the apparent “voice of his generation,” Donut Dan sure isn’t particularly creative, now, is he?  If he REALLY didn’t want his friends and family to know this was a memoir, he might have tried . . . I don’t know . . . being a bit more inventive about his character’s names . . .

“Coming up with character names is HARD.” 

Here are the characters’ in Dan’s book:

Dan Humphrey = Dylan Hunter

Blair Waldorf = Claire Carlyle

Serena VanDerWoodsen = Sabrina VonSomething

Nate Archibald = Derek VonSomething (more on that later)

Chuck Bass = Charlie Trout

No . . . actually . . . you’re Charlie Trout.  Didn’t you read the book? 

For one thing, it would make the inevitable defamation lawsuits a lot easier to defend against . . .

Dan finally relents, and asks for six copies of his book, so that he can deliver them personally to his so-called friends, only some of whom actually know how to read . . .

DOH!

Elsewhere in town, Blair is complaining about her ever-growing pregnancy boobs . . .

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And I have to say, whatever the makeup and wardrobe department are doing with Leighton Meester to make her look pregnant (whether it’s the oddly flat hair, or the tired eyes, or the slightly paler skin, or the not entirely flattering dresses ), it’s WORKING. 🙂  (Don’t worry, Blair!  We still think your gorgeous.  If you weren’t, every single solitary male character on this show wouldn’t be madly in love with you.)

“Yes,  I know.  I’m awesome.” 

Where was I?  Oh yes . . . Blair’s boobs . . . Cue Louis-bot to rise up and fondle said tatas mechanically, as he makes a not particularly funny joke about Blair’s bad moods not being related to pregnancy hormones, since Blair always suffers from mood swings, anyway.  (Real nice, Douche!)

“How else can I make you feel extremely uncomfortable about your pregnancy?  Ooh!  I know, I can squeeze your boobs, while making honking noises.” 

In Louis-bot’s defense, most of the robots I know can barely get through a simple knock-knock joke.  So, are far as cyborgs go, his sense of humor is fairly advanced.

“I am a comedic genius!  (Take that, R2D2!)”

Blair worries that Louis’ parents won’t respond well to her pregnancy, and that she will end up on some trashy reality show, like Unwed and Pregnant Princesses or Royally Screwed.  (In other news, MTV has just added two new reality shows to its line-up.)  Louis assures her that his parents will be THRILLED that she’s knocked up, since they have always viewed royal women as nothing more than Future-King Making Machines, anyway.  Heaven forbid, she actually gives birth to a girl!  Off with her head!

(Don’t worry!  I won’t post the Decapitation Picture, again!)

Meanwhile, Serena is totally rocking at her job, and completely impressing her new boss.  Clearly, we must have stepped into an Alternate Universe of some sort, where Serena actually has Life Goals.

“Wait a second, did you just call me a smart cookie?  Am I being punked?”

Of course, her most impressive feat is getting Daniel Day Lewis’ people to call her boss back, on possibly starring in a movie, just by sending him flowers with the script, or something.  Yeah . . . something tells me “flowers” wasn’t the only thing Serena sent Daniel Day Lewis.  Then again, maybe “flowers,” is a euphemism for something else . . .

“Hey Mr. Lewis, wanna see my flower?” 

Meanwhile, Wicked Witch of the Upper East Side Diana, and her Flying Monkey Nate (not to be confused with Chuck’s Monkey, of course), are busy plotting World Domination, and raping the cell phones of Manhattan’s elite . . .

“That Anthony Weiner guy is HILARIOUS!” 

Of particular interest to Diana is the cell phone that USED to belong to Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena, since she suspects the owner of that cell phone is the key to a BIG story of some sort.  Diana also wishes she had Blair’s and Serena’s phones.  Unfortunately, for her, apparently, there are some things even a Flying Monkey won’t do.  And one of those things is screw over your friends . . . both of whom, coincidentally, Nate has already screwed.

It should come as no surprise to you that my favorite scene in this episode, features none other than that Dynamic Duo,  Chuck and Blair, as they “coincidentally,” meet up with one another, on their way to the Non-Judging Breakfast Club Book Club Meeting Dan has arranged.

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Considering how heartbreakingly poignant, Chuck and Blair’s last meeting was . . .

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 . . .  it was kind of refreshing to see these two former (and future) lovers, reunite, so soon after that epic devastation, and fall right back into the easy comfortable flirtation that embodies their one-of-a-kind relationship.  Of course, Chuck was walking his new best friend, Dan Monkey, at the time.  And watching the three (well, four, if you count Blair’s unborn baby BASS, BASS, IT HAS TO BE A BASS Louis-bot) together, I couldn’t help feeling as though I was looking at the future first branches of the new Bass family tree . . .

“Blair, I know you want to have sex dance with me, but we have to go meet Dopey Dan about his book.”

This becomes even more apparent, when Chuck drops his carefree facade to ask Blair, in earnest, how she is doing.  In response, Blair instinctively clutches her stomach, where her unborn baby lies, before telling him that she is doing well.

“You take good care of that Little Bass-tard.  Do you hear me?”

 The moment is at once, sweet, subtle, and meaningful, as it illustrates the ever-lasting connection between Chuck and Blair, one that supercedes petty jealousies and paternity tests.  At this point in our story, Chuck is convinced that he will never again experience the joy of having Blair as a lover.  And yet he still cares so deeply for her, that he is willing to put his own personal heartache aside, in order to ensure her continued happiness.

Comfortable comraderie and witty banter give way to electric chemistry, and hidden longing, when Monkey starts trying to escape Chuck’s grasp, causing Blair to “accidentally” jump into Chuck’s waiting arms.  The usually confident Chuck is adorably shy in this scene, mumbling something about squirrels, as he tries to reign in his impulse to kiss this beautiful soon-to-married woman on the mouth.

Blair too seems temporarily caught up in the moment, and is a bit breathless, when she finally extracts herself from Chuck’s grasp.

It’s time for Dan’s Big Meeting, where he finally tells everyone (except Chuck, who already knows) that they are the stars of his book.

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Dan wants all of them to read what he wrote in a SINGLE DAY (selfish much?), so that they can decide whether they still like him enough to attend his book party.  At first, we don’t get too many details, except for the tantalizing tidbit that, for some reason we will learn a bit later, Dan has decided to make Nate’s character GAY . . .

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Nate seems surprisingly cool with this, provided his character is portrayed as being highly adept at getting dick.  And if the little clip / daydream / flashback we got of Nate and his LOVER is any indication, our resident boy toy was portrayed faithfully in that regard.  (Though, admittedly, Nate’s book beau does seem about 10 years younger than the people Nate USUALLY dates.)

He IS pretty hot, though . . . 

By the way, watching this scene, I couldn’t help but be reminded of THIS . . .

Certain that she will be portrayed horribly in the book, given the pair’s checkered past, Blair is unusually icy and insulting to Dan, even for her.  And if I said this didn’t make my Chair loving heart sing, I’d be lying.

“Cheers!”

She actually calls Dan’s book “America’s Next Doorstop,” (which is pretty clever, by the way).  She also bails on his party, to meet with Louis’ parents, and tells Dan that she’s not even going to read it.  OUCH!

The not-at-all-conceited Serena promises Blair that “everybody loves a villain,” but only because she’s certain Dan will portray her as the perfect little innocent flower that she still honestly believes herself to be.

Speaking of people who live in a bubble, Faux-Charlie somehow convinces Nate that she can find the owner of that phantom cell phone, who is DEFINITELY NOT her, NO SIR!

“I NEED my cell phone back, without it, I’ll never remember what my name is supposed to be today.” 

After the meeting, everyone starts finding out what Dan wrote about them from others, but few of them actually READ the book.  You know . . . because reading is like . . . hard . . . and stuff.  Silly Serena has no qualms about telling her coworkers that she is the real life “Sabrina” in Dan’s book, because, like I said, she’s positive she’s going to come out of this smelling like a rose.  But then, she learns that her character smells more like poo, and wishes she wasn’t so hasty to reveal her identity.

“Sabrina” is slutty, flighty, often drunk, irresponsible, selfish, and self-absorbed.  Now THAT doesn’t sound like anybody WE know, does it?  In fact, “Sabrina” / Serena is apparently portrayed like such a worthless waste of life, that DANIEL DAY LEWIS doesn’t want to work with her BOSS, even though Serena bought him FLOWERS!

Riiiight . . . because famous actors always make their decisions on what movies they plan to do based on how many people the production company assistants for those movies have had sex with!

Complete lack of believability aside, Dan pretty much ruined Serena’s BIG AMAZING TWO WEEK LONG CAREER with his totally true piss poor betrayal of her in his book.

Oops.  Did I do that?” 

You know who else’s life is getting ruined by Dan’s book? BLAIR!   Because Dan apparently used his “memoir” to live out his NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN wet dreams of bedding the Queen Bee.  When Louis-Bot reads this, he TOTALLY malfunctions, believing what he’s read, INSTANTLY, without even asking Blair if it’s true.  (What a loving future husband?  Right?)  This short circuit in his Perfect Prince Microchip causes him to cancel his parents arrival, during which he was supposed to inform them about the pregnancy, and storm off like a toddler, much to Blair’s horror.

“You do realize the douchier you are to me, the shorter your guest star character arc will be.”

Meanwhile, Dan’s hanging out with Chuck and Monkey, while worrying (with good reason) about how everyone is going to react to his book.

I tend to find Dan at his most tolerable, when he’s hanging out with Chuck.  These two are just adorable together.  And I love how utterly non-judgmental Chuck is about . . . well . . . everything!  “Scotch?”  Chuck offers, as Dan cuddles with Monkey (but doesn’t spank his own, thankfully).

“It’s 2 p.m.”  Dan whines.

“Valium then,” Chuck responds coyly.

Dan then notes that while his dad is probably finished with the book, Nate is only page 20.  I actually think that is a harsh assessment.  I think, by this point, Nate probably finished the book, from cover to cover.  Then, once he didn’t find any pictures, he put it away, and went back to reading Curious George.

“Ahhh, Curious George!  I love that little scamp!”

Dan, of course, is wondering why Chuck, of all people, is being so nice to him, considering he KILLED HIM IN THE BOOK!

Oh wait . . . it gets worse.  Do you want to know HOW DAN KILLED CHUCK?  Well, they don’t exactly come out and say it, but based on  context clues, I’d say it has something to do with a little thing called auto-erotic asphyxiation.

I’m not going to describe that to you in depth, because this site has already been labeled as having adult content, without me telling you what that is.  But you can go ahead, and Google it, if you dare.  All you need to know, if that Chuck’s character’s death in the book was “accidental,” even though he SEEMS to have hung himself in his closet by a belt.  (Chuck claims, in real life, he would have used a designer scarf.)  Are you picking up what I’m putting down here, kiddies?

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Don’t cry , Chuck!  We don’t believe anything that bad man said about you!

By the way, was anyone else wondering how DAN came up with the idea to make auto-erotic asphyxiation a plot point?  Hmmm . . .

Anywhoo, Chuck reminds Dan that all success comes at a price, including his own . . . wise sage words, for a guy who’s alter ego is currently hanging in the closet next to the Armani suits . . .

Speaking of “only up to page twenty” Nate, Dan’s assessment of him was actually pretty close to correct, since, instead of reading the book, Nate was busy allowing Faux-Charlie to steal back her own phone from Diana’s office.  This, of course, ultimately led to Diana putting two and two together about who Charlie was, and blackmailing her for information about the Upper East Side crew, in exchange for keeping her secret.  It looks like Diana won’t need Nate to get intel on Blair, Chuck and Serena, after all . . .

“I’ll get you my pretty.  And your little Ivy / Charlie / Call Me Serena too . . .” 

But back to Nate, I’m starting to think he really might NOT actually be able to read, as Chuck had to explain to him that his alter ego, a gay character named Derek VonSomething, who’s two years younger than the rest of the characters, and Serena’s character’s little brother, is actually much more Eric VanDer Woodsen, then he is Nate Archibald .  . .

“You put me in your book, Dan?  I’m going to get REVENGE on you (but only because I left Gossip Girl to star in a show called REVENGE)!”

I think it’s kind of funny, that Nate’s character is probably the most positively portrayed of all the characters, yet he’s pissed because he has to share him with Eric!  “But I’m YOUR BEST FRIEND!”  Nate whines on the phone to Dan, before his Mommy comes to change his poopy diaper.

This is probably one of the few times during the hour, when I’m actually on DAN’S side.  And when Nate balks at the notion of showing up at his supposed best friend’s book party, I can’t help but kind of wish that Dan hung Nate’s character in a closet, at the end of the novel .  . . well . . . I guess Nate’s character would probably hang OUTSIDE of the closet.  But that’s neither here nor there . . .

Worst Book Party EVER!

“But Serena, when I said you were flighty and irresponsible, I only meant like 98.6% of the time.  The rest of the time, you’re fabulous.” 

All the poo really hits the fan at Dan’s book signing party, where Serena and Blair confront Dan to rip him a new one for their portrayals in the book.  Then, Dan has to try to stop Louis-bot and Blair for coming to blows with one another over the little Dair sex scene he included therein.  “I thought my suspicions about the two of you were ridiculous.  But, it turns out, the only thing ridiculous is me,” bleats out Louis-bot.

Well, he’s right about one thing.  .  . 

Dan earns some major points with me, by admitting to Louis that said sex never actually happened . . .

And earns some more points, by informing Serena that the world doesn’t revolve around her, when she completely IGNORES the turmoil that HER friend is undoubtedly going through, regarding the impending breakup of her marriage, as a result of this book.  “If you can’t tell the difference between what I did to Blair, and what I did to you, then maybe all that stuff about you in the book actually IS true,” says Dan.

Slight redemption aside, Blair isn’t about to let Dan off the hook so easily for humilating her in this way.  “You better hope I can stop your fantasy life from destroying my real one,” she tells him.  And then later, she says, “Get it through your head,  There is no US!  There never was!  All we had was friendship!  And now there is not even that.”

“And for the record, Dan Humphrey, I’ve seen FANFICTION writers who are better at writing smut than you.” 

Woah!  Meanwhile, outside, Chuck is calmly trying to hit on the publisher’s assistant, who is really quite awful, isn’t she?  I mean she really knows how to make a person feel like crap.

“The economy is never going to get better.  The world is doomed for all eternity.  And you are going to die, alone and unloved.  And so is your dog.  By the way, my name is Alexandra.  Nice to meet you.”

Alexandra casually remarks about Charlie Trout’s auto-erotic demise, wondering how long he hung in the closet, before anyone found him.  “I have plenty of staff.  I’m sure they would find me rather quickly,” explains Chuck.  “Because . . .”

“Staff . . . not friends and family?  That’s even worse,” replies the EVIL WENCH.

Excuse me?  Do you not realize you are talking to a REAL person about their LIFE, you DESPICABLE SHREW!   You know what, Alexandra?  If YOU were hanging in the closet, something tells me YOUR so-called friends and family would throw a party RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR LIFELESS CORPSE.

Did I go too far?  Sorry . . . I get very sensitive about my Chuck Bass.

Speaking of Chuck, he totally saves the day (though I kind of wish he didn’t), by rushing out to tell Louis what a MORON he is, for letting go of a girl like Blair . . .

“If you read Dan’s book, you know how I turn out.  You have a chance to be happy, and not end up alone, hanging in a closet.  Don’t give up you’re own fact for someone else’s fiction.”

WOW!  That was really beautiful.  And I must admit, it made me a little teary . . .

You know what else made me teary, when Chuck came to Lily toward the end of the episode, and admitted that he didn’t want to be the unrepentant bad boy anymore, and that he feared that Blair was lost to him forever . . .

I must admit, I was a bit annoyed at Lily for simply AGREEING with him, though.  What is this, Make Chuck Want to Kill Himself Day?

Things start to go slightly better for the OTHER members of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club, when Serena and Blair share a sweet heart-to-heart, in which Blair FINALLY tells Serena she is pregnant.  And the pair remind us why we’ve always loved their friendship so much, in the first place.  (Yes, I make fun of Serena A LOT.  But I do thoroughly enjoy her friendship with the rest of the GG gang.  See, I’m not a total heartless bastard.)

“You may be flighty, irresponsible, selfish, and slutty, but I LOVE YOU!” 

Then Louis-bot apologizes to Blair, as he always seems to do in the last five minutes of every episode, after he inevitably does something douchey . . .

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It’s not his fault, of course.   This is just how he’s been programmed to behave by the mad scientist who created him . . .

Commence battery recharge . . . 

Then, Serena’s boss tells her that she wants her to get the movie rights to “Inside,” which, honestly, we all should have smelled coming a mile away.  (Hmmm . . . I wonder if Blakey Lively will play the part of Sabrina?)

I said the Non-Judging Breakfast Club was doing better at the end of the episode, but that doesn’t include Dan.  In fact, Dan’s OWN FATHER is incredibly hurt by HIS portrayal in the novel.  Dan wrote him as a money-grubbing trophy husband,  which, while not entirely false, is actually a quite terrible thing to say about the person who raised you . . .

“I’ll only forgive you, if you get George Clooney to play me in the movie.”

Granted, Rufus never struck me as the smartest dad on the block, but compared to some of the other fathers on teen television, he’s practically a saint.  And he really didn’t deserve this kind of treatment . . .

The episode ends, much like it began, with Dan Humpty Dumpty doomed to follow in his character, Dylan Hunter’s footsteps, loved by the masses,  but still utterly alone.  And because that’s an awfully depressing way to end an episode, I’d like to leave you on a much brighter note . . .

That’s better!

Until next time, XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Read it and Weep – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Jewel of Denial”

Sometimes, the greatest love stories can be found in the most unexpected of places . . .

Greetings Upper East Siders!  In a show that is so often about lies, it was kind of refreshing to experience an episode of Gossip Girl that was actually all about the truth.

Each of our main characters except for Serena had a certain painful truth that plagued them throughout the episode.  Facing up to those truths  could leave them vulnerable to a world of painful consequences, but it could also set them free.  During the hour, we repeatedly wondered how our characters would cope with their specific truths.  Would they embrace them, bravely?  Or become imprisoned by them?  And, perhaps, importantly, would anyone get laid, in the process?

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Oh, come on!  As if it never crossed YOUR mind!

Let’s find out, shall we?

There Once was a Dog Named Monkey (and a Test Named Paternity)

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“Is that you, Jenny Humphrey?  You look . . . different.  Did you do something to your hair?

The odd (but hilarious) little bromance between Dan and Chuck continues, as Dan tries to cure Chuck of his “conversion disorder.”  Dan’s attempts to make Chuck “feel” again, include (1) making him watch Field of Dreams (an admittedly odd choice, but considering that Dan has always struck me as a 50-year old man, stuck in a 19-year old body, I guess we’re supposed to just go with it); and (2) buying him the most adorable little puppy EVER!  Thanks Dan, you’ve officially just made that Mother Chucker even more irresistible than he was before.  I didn’t think was possible . . .

“I’m Chuck Bass’ dog.” 

Chuck, who honestly, never struck me as much of a “dog” person, or an “animal of any kind,” person, for that matter, seems adamantly against the idea of keeping the dog, which, of course, in TV speak, means the canine is pretty much guaranteed to become a series regular . . .

“Oh yeah, I’m getting my SAG Card, b*tches!” 

But Chuck isn’t the only Upper East Sider Dan is trying to cure.  For whatever reason, Dan seems positively OBSESSED with getting Blair to open the results of her paternity test, so that she can FINALLY find out whether Chuck or Louis, is, in fact, her baby daddy.

“Well, it definitely isn’t ME!” 

In fact, Dan is SO interested in the answer to this question, that he and Dorota have been texting eachother like girlfriends, pretty much nonstop, ever since Blair found out she was pregnant.  The two also have been pestering Blair to pick up, and open the results envelope, about every three minutes.  (With friends like these, who needs stalkers?!)

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Actually, I’d say the best part of pregnancy is when cute guys give up their seat on the subway for you . . . but what do I know?

Finally, after cornering Blair on the street, Dan gets the Queen B to pick up her paternity results from the hospital.  But “picking up” the results, and actually opening them are two very different things!  Dan, of course, thinks Blair should rip of the proverbial Baby Daddy band-aid, right away.

DAN: “Would you mind terribly if I read the results out loud, in my best reality game show host voice?  I do a mean, Ryan Seacrest impersonation.”

But Blair manages to buy herself some time.  She reminds her Donut-y friend that she has an important interview with Hello magazine that she does not want to ruin with her eventual tears Inevitably Emotional Baby Discovery.  Dan then reluctantly agrees to back off, until after the interview is over.

“Well, that’s more civilized,” Blair replies, relieved.  “Unlike your hair,” she can’t help but add.  “You look like a muppet.”

Now that she mentions it, Dan does have a bit of a Fozzie Bear thing going for him, doesn’t he?

At the interview, of course, Blair is asked questions about when her and Louis-bot will be starting their half-human, half-cyborg family.  When Blair awkwardly deflects these questions, the interviewer informs her that Louis-bot has answered for her already.  Apparently, during HIS interview, Louis told the folks at Hello magazine that he and Blair were not at all ready for children, and that a family was a LOOOOOONG way off.

“Tell me something, Blair.  Can robot babies be breastfed, or do they only drink out of oil cans?”

Blair, of course, is crushed, not to mention petrified as to what Louis-bot’s response will be, when he finds out a “family” isn’t far off, at all.  Rather, it’s less than nine months away!

“I hope he doesn’t short-circuit, when I tell him.” 

To make matters worse, she receives a blast on Gossip Girl, which features Chuck taking his adorable little puppy back to the pound, a very, non-fatherly thing to do.

“Why is Chuck carrying Jenny Humphrey like that?  Can’t she walk on her own?” 

Convinced that neither of the baby’s potential fathers will be at all pleased to learn of her pregnancy, Blair tears up the paternity results (but not very well), and tosses them in a nearby wastebasket.  (Riiiiight, because no one would EVER find them there!)

“I’ll fold up the results and make them into a paper crane . . . or maybe a stork . . .” 

Blair then decides to go to a Fancy Schmancy Fashion Thingy, where she can walk the catwalk, and continue to be in denial of her expanding waistline , and uncertain Baby Daddy Future . . .

Meanwhile, over at the VDW household . . .

Welcome to the Mecca of Psychotic Freaks . . .

“Hey, that reminds me, did I ever tell you about the time I KILLED SOMEONE?” 

A very apprehensive Charlie/Ivy / Call Me Serena, and the actual Serena have arrived back home.  Noticing faux-Charlie’s discomfort,  Serena immediately assumes that faux-Charlie is worried that the Upper East Siders won’t accept her, because last time she was here, she was a Total Wackjob, Who Had a Nervous Breakdown, and Pretty Much Single White Female-d Serena.

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Though pretty much anywhere else in the world, these would be fabulous reasons not to accept someone, in the Upper East Side, crazy is apparently what passes for normal.  Just ask Juliet, Georgina, Jenny Humphries, and, yes Serena! Serena describes the UES as a Mecca of Psychotic Freaks and a nervous breakdown as a right of passage.

“Who needs a Sweet 16, when you have your First Trip to the Ostroff Center?” 

Faux-Charlie seems touched by Serena’s seemingly unfailing kindness and acceptance of her, but doesn’t know how long this charade can continue.  Meanwhile, Serena reintroduces faux-Charlie to Blair.  And though the latter doesn’t exactly welcome her with open arms, she doesn’t shun her either, for Serena’s sake.

BLAIR: (through her teeth) “Just keep smiling, and maybe she won’t chop our faces up into teeny tiny pieces, while we sleep.” 

Faux-Charlie is quickly becoming enthralled with the Non Judging Breakfast Club.  And she seems pretty certain that she doesn’t want to return to her old Poor Person’s life, anytime soon . . .

“Seriously, stop bringing stray dogs into this house.  It stopped being cute, when you were about 13 and I realized you were actually sleeping with most of them.” 

But then she overhears Serena talking to her mother, and learns that Carol Rhodes, Charlie’s REAL mother, and the person who hired her to impersonate Charlie, in order to gain access to her trust fund is on the hunt for her, and worse, is returning to the Upper East Side to collect her.   Feeling trapped, faux-Charlie sees no other choice, but to leave town, before she is discovered.  She calls her ex-boyfriend Max, and tells him she will meet him in Seattle, and then hails a cab.

“Now, I know how Cinderella felt when she got turned back into a pumpkin . . . wait . . . I think I got that wrong, somehow.  One of these days, I’m definitely going to learn how to read.”

But Serena finds her outside.  Uh-oh!  Busted!

Thinking fast, faux-Charlie explains that she overheard Serena talking to her mother, and doesn’t want to be any trouble for the VDW’s.  “I just feel like I don’t belong here,” faux Charlie pouts.  (Gee, faux-Charlie, I wonder why that is .  . . could it possibly be because you DON’T?)   Eventually, Serena relents giving faux-Charlie a hug, as she enters the cab.  But then a mischievious glint enters her eyes, and we just KNOW she is up to something.  “Before you go, just do me a favor and return these Tickets for a Fancy Schmancy Fashion Event for me,” Serena says, more or less.

“SUCKER!”

Undoubtedly, feeling a bit guilty for all she has put Serena through, since last season, Faux-Charlie agrees to run this errand for her.

Who knew Serena knew how to be devious?  I always thought that was more Blair’s and Chuck’s forte?

When faux Charlie arrives at the fashion event, she quickly learns that Serena has arranged for HER to walk the runway in Serena’s place, despite the fact that Charlie is about a FOOT shorter than Serena, and could never, ever, EVER fit into her dress.  On the dress Charlie is supposed to wear is a note that she should “live out her dreams.”

“Would you like some wine with that cheesiness?” 

While preparing to walk the runway, faux-Charlie has an encounter with Blair, who, upon hearing that faux-Charlie is planning to leave, tells her that she should live the life that she wants.

“Yes, Faux-Charlie, live the life that you want, even if it just happens to be someone else’s life.  I don’t about you, but I’ve always found identity theft to be SUPER inspiring . . .”

Little does Blair know that her small words of encouragement give birth to a monster.  When Carol Rhodes arrives at the fashion event to chase faux-Charlie out of town (She was alerted to faux-Charlie’s deeds, upon finding her canceled check, from last week’s episode), Faux Charlie threatens HER, claiming that if she doesn’t let her assume Charlie’s life, Faux-Charlie will reveal all of Carol Rhodes’ monkey getting schemes, and bring HER down, right along with her.  “This family that you HATE, has been kinder to me than my real family ever was,” Faux Charlie insists.

“You mean, you actually have a family?  This whole time I thought you were raised by Keebler Elves.”

Toward the end of the episode, Charlie moves back into the VDW house, with a newly non-house arrested Lily and Rufus.  Her and Carol share a cold hug, on Carol’s way out, “You are on your own now,” Carol tells her ominously.

 . . . errr . . . I mean . . . my Charlie . . . oh . . . I mean . . . my Ivy, or whatever the f*&k you’re calling yourself these days . . .

Good luck, Faux Charlie!  Something tells me you are going to need it, if you want to keep up this charade for the foreseeable future . . .

Speaking of those who aren’t sufficiently devious (or smart) . . .

Journalism for Dummies (like Nate)

“I liked you so much better, when I was banging you in my front yard.”

Today is Nate’s first day on the job as a “serious journalist.”  Poor Naive Nate.  He genuinely believes that Diana has hired him for his brains, and not for his . . . hot dog.

Chuck, of course, warns him of this, but he refuses to listen to reason.  But then, when he arrives at the office, of course, Diana pulls him into her office, and starts to ravage him.  Nate argues that this will not set a good impression on his co-workers, if the INTERN is having sex with the boss on the first day, as if he is her male prostitute.  Diana agrees.  So, she FIRES them!

“Sorry, average-looking people, you’re simply not attractive enough to be extas on this show.”

“Due to a recent botox injection, opening my mouth wide like this, is the only way I can show you I’m happy.”

Now, Nate is furious.  It’s finally dawning on him why he was hired to take this job.  He threatens to leave Diana’s internship for another one.  So, Diana thinks fast, and offers him a “reporting gig.”  The assignment is so ridiculous, the fact that it didn’t set off warning bells in Nate’s head immediately  illustrates that he might very well be learning disabled.  Nate’s “job” was to interview a senator and his snooty wife, NOT on the senator’s politics, but on his vacation to the Greek Isles.

“And if you REALLY want to see him squirm, ask him about his favorite color.” 

Of course, the minute Nate asks about said Isles, it clues the Senator’s wife in to the fact that he is having an affair.   (Don’t ask me how.  Just go with it.)  The wife storms off, telling the Senator she wants a divorce.  And when Nate apologizes to the Senator, the latter says in a huff, “I thought you were the NICE one in the family.”

(Oh, but he IS the NICE One Senator!  Unfortunately, he’s also the MORONIC ONE!)

Just be thankful you’re so pretty . . . 

Now, Nate’s pissed at Diana AGAIN for being used as a pawn in her little game.  As it turns out, Diana had arranged for everyone at this party to have their cell phones turned in.  She did this so that she could get the Senator’s cell phone, which confirmed information about the affair.  As it turns out, Diana doesn’t wish to make the Spectator into a “serious journalism” publication at all.  Rather, she wants to make it a tabloid about the New York elite, by using the type of tactics that got News of the World shut down.

You know what that means, of course.  Girlfriend is stomping on Gossip Girl’s toes .  . . and getting PAID to do it.  When Nate unwittingly suggests that Diana check ALL the cell phones taken at the party for a scoop, Diana thinks its a brilliant idea.   Of course, she makes NATE do all the dirty work, as her sole, unpaid, employee.

“OK . . . so let me get this straight . . . so, now, I’m not getting laid . . . OR getting paid?  What a crock!”

Nate considers the moral implications of this for about two seconds, before robotically doing Diana’s bidding.

“I know my dignity is in here somewhere . . .”

He gets a few human points back for not hijacking his friend’s phones: Chuck, Dan, Blair and Serena.  However, the information Diana is able to mine off the cell phones he DID nab is enough for a BOOK . . . or at least a few issues of a trashy magazine.

One of the cell phone’s he DOES find is Faux-Charlie’s.  Something tells me, Diana is going to find some VERY interesting stuff on THAT phone . . .

A Fashion “Don’t”

Oooh . . . do I smell another love triangle? 

It isn’t a real Gossip Girl party without a humiliating cat fight, amongst our Upper East Siders.  In a throwback to their quarrelsome internship days, this little wrestling session took place between Dan and Blair.  It all started when Blair decided to ignore the results of her paternity test, and walk the runway.  Dan wasn’t having that at all!

“Dair” to be a pest. 

So, in a surprisingly bold (and definitely weird) moment, DAN pushes away celebrity Simon Noonan, and escorts Blair down the catwalk. Apparently, Dorota has taped up the paternity test from Blair’s trash (where, rumor has it her pee-covered pregnancy test is still sitting, and given it to Dan.  (CREEPY!)

I hope you wore gloves, Dorota . . . 

Dan keeps trying to stick the letter on Blair . . . under her armpit, down her dress, anywhere that will force her to read it.  It’s a well-meaning gesture, I guess.  But also immature . . . and weird.  I mean, this takes being a supportive friend to a whole new level, doesn’t it.

A furious, and determined Blair, end up pushing Dan HARD into a nearby waiter, causing glasses and plates to fly everywhere.  Nice going, Dan the Flying Donut!

“Don’t worry.  I’m OK, I just felt like doing a little dance for you, called The Worm.” 

Later, Blair and Dan share a sweet apology outside the party.  Dan admits that he’s been WAY too involved in Blair’ test result, because he has been using them to try to avoid focusing on his OWN issues relating to the unwelcome publication of his novel.  Blair admits to the fact that she came to Dan in the first place, because she knew he would help her to combat her darkest instincts.  Dan finally gives Blair the paternity test letter and leaves her to her own private HELL.

“You DO realize this is the second time you’ve tackled me at public event, don’t you?   Around Brookyln, we call that foreplay.”

We see her open it, and (maybe) look at the results.  So, tell us Blair . . . WHO’S THE DADDY?

“Umm . . . Dan?  I think you gave me the wrong letter.  This one says I may have just won one million dollars from Publisher’s Clearing House.” 

From The Inside Out . . .

“OK, Famous Author Person . . . I need you honest opinion on something.  Do you really think I look like a muppet?” 

Thanks to Chuck “taking one for the team” by having mediocre sex with some VERY LUCKY publisher’s assistant, Dan now knows Simon & Schuester is the lucky publishing company that has nabbed his book, appropriately entitled “The Inside” (sounds vaguely dirty).  Now,  all he has to do is stop the proverbial presses.  Dan decides to do this by stopping by his old pal and mentor Noah Shapiro to ask him for a favor.  (Have you ever noticed how many curmudgeony, over 50 writer friends Dan has collected, over the course of five seasons?  I can’t even keep track.  They all look and act, exactly the same.

Chuck hilariously offers to lend Dan knee pads for his plea and grovel affair, which gives the meeting itself homoerotic undertones, that are perhaps unintended.  Dan explains his plight to Noah.  And Noah, in turn, gives him advice that would be solid and reliable, if Dan were anything but a character on Gossip Girl.  “You want my advice . . . the easiest way to let a book to die, is let it be published.  Have you seen the Bestseller’s list lately?  In a month, you’re book will be half off, in a bargain bin,” he says, more or less.

I’m pretty sure this is EXACTLY what Dan Humphrey will look like in about 40 years . . . It’s almost as if he’s talking to himself . . . FROM THE FUTURE!

(Of course, we know that while this would probably be the case with ANY OTHER BOOK written by an anonymous college student, it will NOT be so, with Dan, because that would make for an incredibly lame storyline.  Nevertheles, Dan seems comforted by Noah’s assurances, and leaves with some weight lifted off his shoulders.)

If this were a “Nate” storyline, instead of a “Dan” one, these two would have (1) already had sex, (2) already started dating, and (3) she would already have a DEEP DARK SECRET she was hiding from him.  Instead, I doubt we’ll ever see this woman again.  Sucks for her.

But the next day, Dan return to Noah’s office and learns from his assistant that NOAH is coming forward as if HE wrote “The Inside.”  Dan is livid, but conflicted.  On one hand, this would get him off the hook with his friends and the new object of his affection.  On the other hand, this IS his first published novel, so . . . NO FAIR!  Dan, of course, turns to his new bromantic buddy Chuck for advice.  And Chuck basically tells him to “poo or get off the pot,” as far as this novel is concerned.

So, Dan manages to get some balls, and decides to poo.  By this, I mean he tracks down Noah at dinner with “friends,” and publicly announces that HE, not Noah, wrote “The Inside.”  Suddenly, the whole table is clapping, including Noah.  It turns out the whole thing was a set up to get Dan to come clean about his authorhip of the book, which had been published anonymously.  Noah then invites Dan to sit down and meet his entire publishing and marketing team.  That’s right . . . because major publishers and agents ALWAYS spend this much time and energy on anonymous first-time novelists.  I guess we are just supposed to believe the book is “SOOO GOOD,” that it merits all this fuss . . .

“Yes!  I’m totally going to be the next Stephenie Meyer . . . except not Mormon . . . and not . . . you know . . . a woman.” 

I’ll believe it when I see it  .. .

When Dan arrives home, he is greeted with a copy of his book (the cover of which, looks suspiciously similar to that of the first Gossip Girl book – how meta), even though it seems as though it was just picked up for publication, at most, a couple of months ago.  (These sort of things typically take at least a year from publication agreement to ACTUAL publication, particularly for an unknown writer.  But like I said . . . Dan is just SOOOO GOOD.

And next week, based on the promos, it seems we will get to find out just HOW good he is . . .  You better not let me down, Humphrey Dumpty. 🙂

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for . .  .

And the Daddy Is . . .

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Blair visits CHUCK’S APARTMENT!  When he first turns around to see her standing there, he blinks twice, as if he thinks it must be a dream.  Blair is clearly effected by the reunion as well, as she stands stock still in the doorway, shaking, her eyes just minutes away from overflowing with tears.  “I need to talk to you,” she says, shaking her head, as if to give herself the courage she needs to do what she needs to do.  An unprepared Chuck even wonders out loud whether this is a ploy by Dan to get Chuck to “feel” something.  (If so, that would be a mighty mean ploy.)

Blair doesn’t beat around the bush.  She tells Chuck that she’s pregnant, and pauses, while she lets that piece of information sink in.  Chuck tries to be non reactive, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who caught a glimpse of hope, and adoration in his eyes,  as he attempts to work out the math in his head.  But then Blair says it’s Louis-Bot’s (NOOO, IT’ CAN’T BE!  CAN IT?  SURELY, SHE’S LYING!),  and Chuck quickly masks his heartbreak as seamlessly as he can.  We see him look away for a second, eyes shut tight, before he turns back to Blair again.

He hopes to appear cold and aloof, but GG fans know he is brimming with emotion, and Blair can feel it, as well.  Chuck notes that Blair must be relieved that the baby is not his, because THAT would have derailed her Princess fairytale.  Blair flinches a bit at this, noting that this fairytale is more complicated than it would first appear.

Cue Monkey, Chuck’s new dog to come nipping at Blair’s feet.  Already, I’m loving Monkey.  He’s an awesome wingman.  it’s as if he knows instinctively that Blair read that blast on Gossip Girl about Chuck returning him to the pound, and wants her to know that Chuck DOES have love in his heart, for animals, and, yes, for little tiny humans, as well.  Blair kneels down to pet Monkey, as she asks Chuck about the Gossip Girl blast.  “I took him to get fixed.  I figured it was the responsible thing to do  kind of like, you know, wearing a condom, before you have sex at a stranger’s Bar Mitzvah.  Blair winces at this, message sent and received.

But if the encounter between Chuck and Blair has turned a bit sour, Blair brings it back to sweet, with this line, “You know, there was a part of me that wished it was yours.”

Chuck blinks at this, as if to say, “a part of me wishes it was mine as well.”  When Blair tells Chuck that she should leave, Chuck agrees, but only because he seems about ready to burst, and doesn’t want Blair to see him breakdown.  The entire encounter is truly heartbreaking.  And yet, it is nothing compared to final scene, which I will get to, in just a bit.  You can rewatch the ENTIRE Chuck / Blair encounter, by clicking below (provided this video doesn’t get snatched from YouTube, before you have a chance to watch):

Later, we see Blair sharing the good (but possibly false) news with Louis-bot.  The Prince of Monaco is overjoyed at the prospect of being a father (though the computer chip in the back of his brain prevents him from showing any more than a modicum of emotion).  Blair, of course, then asks him about his interview with Hello Magazine, in which he said he didn’t want kids for a long time.  And Louis replies, very smoothly, I might add that Louis only said this to prevent the press from hounding Blair about starting a family before she was ready.

Just nod and smile, Louis-bot . . . You don’t really have to understand what she’s saying . . . 

Blair is clearly touched by Louis-bot’s sensitivity to her needs, and gives him a big ole hug.  But then, when he leaves, she stupidly shoves the paternity test results in her drawer, as opposed to shredding them, or throwing them away.

Whether or not the results actually CONFIRM Louis-bot as the father, the fact that Blair has so poorly hidden her paternity test makes me feel as though part of her is subconsciously trying to sabotage her so-called fairytale, by increasing the odds that Louis-bot will find the test results.  Even if they do confirm that he’s the father, the test results will undoubtedly show Louis-bot that the baby’s paternity was doubted.  And if they confirm that Chuck is the father, well . . .

Speaking of Chuck, remember how I said that the last scene of the episode, was by far the most heartbreaking.  Well, it involves Chuck, lying in bed, finally able to feel the wounds he sustained in his chest, as a result of the motorcycle accident.  He clutches his side, as tears roll down his cheeks, emphasizing that the realization that he may have lost Blair forever has cured his aversion disorder.  But more than anything, Chuck’s heart hurts, and he’s holding that for dear life.

Source

That’s when Monkey, Chuck’s new best friend and ultimate wingman, sweetly hops up on the bed to comfort Chuck.  First, he rests his head on Chuck’s stomach.  But then, seeing that this is not enough to staunch his new master’s pain, he places his head on Chuck’s chest, as Chuck holds his new pet close, kisses him on the forehead, and finds himself finally able to cry in earnest for the one true love of his life . . .

Grab your Kleenex, because I’ve provided you a link to what is surely going to go down in history, as one of GG’s most memorable and heartbreakingly beautiful scenes, right here:

And that’s all she wrote GG fans.  But if you want to get a peak at what HE wrote, check out this promo for next week’s GG installment, entitled, “Memoirs of an Invisible Dan,” here:

Until next time, Upper East Siders.  And please, while you wait, whatever you do, don’t spank your Monkey!

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Kissing Cousins – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Kids Stay in the Picture”

“OK, men of Gossip Girl!  The race to my bed (and into my panties) begins RIGHT NOW!  On your mark . . . get set . . .GO!”

Welcome back, Upper East Siders!  Congratulations on surviving yet another interminable GG hiatus!  To reward your patience, Blair, Chuck, Serena, Dan and the rest of the gang (which, obviously, does NOT include Vanessa, because Vanessa sucks Monkey Butt)  wish to share with you five BRAND NEW hours of makeouts, makeups, breakups, betrayals, conspicuous consumption, fights, schemes gone horribly awry, and, hopefully, at least one or two SUPER HOT SEX SCENES . . .

And while this week’s episode of Gossip Girl, wasn’t exactly the most action-packed I’ve seen, it did set the stage for what looks like it will be a riveting final third of the season. 

So, slip into that ugly gold unitard, and smile for the camera . . . because this recap is about to begin!

Bed-ridden, Befuddled, and Bound for the Slammer . . .

“Have you really been in BED for the entire hiatus, Blair?  How have you NOT flunked out of college yet?”

The episode begins with the media camped outside the van der Woodsen’s home, as a result of Lily having FINALLY turned herself into the police, for forging her daughter’s signature on a legal document stating that Boring Ben statutorily raped her, back in the day.  Thank the LORD that storyline is FINALLY over!

SAYONARA, SUCKA!

Dorota, who knows how much Blair enjoys hearing about people who’s lives are worse than hers, traipses into Blair’s bedroom clutching the live news footage.  But Blair wants NO part of Serena’s Family Shame.  She is DEPRESSED, and, apparently, hasn’t left her bed for THREE WEEKS.  Of course, Mama Eleanor and Step Papa Cyrus haven’t noticed, because that would require a level of parenting simply unheard of on this show.

“We have a daughter?  So, THAT’S who’s been using the guest room all this time!”

Interestingly enough, Blair’s depression seems to have been triggered by the Saliva Swapping she engaged in with Dan Humphrey, about a month back . . .

That’s funny.  This image caused widespread depression among most Chair fans too!  Go figure!

Dorota, who assumes that Blair has “taken to her bed,” because she was fired from / quit her ridiculously unrealistic job as editorial assistant at W Magazine, gently reminds Blair that “Carmela Soprano” i.e. Edie Falco, didn’t become truly successful until age 40 . . .

The things you learn from watching Gossip Girl . . .

AGE FORTY?!  That’s like 92, in GOSSIP GIRL YEARS!  Fortunately, for Blair, she’s not going to have to wait that long.  As if, on cue, the phone rings.  It’s Epperley!   Remember THAT useless plot device of a character?

“Cheers!”

Back from her Epic Quest for Love in Bali, and ready to work once more, Epperley is now working on a photo book entitled “Modern Royalty,” which will feature photgraphs’ of Manhattan’s most elite families.  Now you would think that Blair, being a Waldorf, and the daughter of a famous fashion designer, would be the perfect person to be featured in that book.  But, conveniently, NO!  Epperley instead wants Blair to WORK at the shoot. 

“You have GOT to be kidding me?”

It’s a real testament to how much Blair Waldorf has grown over the seasons, that, not only is the Queen B, NOT upset over her family not being featured in the book, she is also TOTALLY willing to help Epperley with the event.  Soon after this phone conversation takes place, we learn that “hiring” Blair was not Epperley’s idea at all, but CHUCK’S!

“Game on, BITCHES!”

That’s right, boy and girls!  After having had his head lodged firmly up his ass, for the past five episodes, during that whole Raina Thorpe / Bass Industries nonsense, Chuck Bass has FINALLY remembered what (or, perhaps, I should say WHO) is important in his life.  And, now, he will stop at NOTHING to get what he wants . . .

“Someone told me something that made me want my own legacy, not my father’s. I can’t convince Blair of her place in it, until she’s feeling powerful again,” Chuck tells Epperley over the phone.

Chuck spends most of the early part of the episode calling various cast members to inquire after Blair.  “What has she been up to, while I was chasing a poorly written storyline Raina?  Has she been seeing anyone?”  He wonders. 

Watching these first scenes, I, of course, was THRILLED that Chuck was, once again, making a much-needed play for Blair’s heart (It’s about DAMN TIME!). 

Yet, already, I feared Chuck wasn’t going about things the right way.  Note to all you prospective suitors out there:  If you want to know what the girl of your dreams has been doing while you were “away,” and whether or not she still feelings for you, ASK HER!   Otherwise, there’s a good chance you won’t get the whole story.  Unfortunately, Chuck’s inability to get the “whole story” was what ultimately foiled his chances at long-lasting romance, this week.

“DOH!”

Meanwhile, over in Brooklyn, Dan and Mini van der Woodsen are wearing matching Farmer Flannel Shirts . . .

Weird . . .

With Nate over at the Bass Penthouse boning Raina, Poor Lonely Boy is lacking a dumping ground for his Girl Problems.  The sensitive (and currently storyline free) Mini VDW seems like a solid choice for the job of Dan’s Shrink of the Week.  “I kissed Blair,” Dan confesses, causing Eric (an obvious Chair fan) to double over in hysterical laughter.

Though Dan claims the kiss meant nothing, he does seem more than a bit curious as to how Blair felt about it, since she supposedly said NOT ONE WORD, after it occurred.  (Not a good sign Dan . . . NOT a good sign.)  Eric of course, sees right through his stepbrother’s false bravado.  “Omigod,” he exclaims, “You are ASS BACKWARDS crushing on Blair!”

Well, duh!  Isn’t EVERYBODY on this show?”

Meanwhile, back at Lily’s place . . .

 You Stay Classy, van der Woodsens!

Meet Lily van der Woodsen, and two of her FIVE husbands.  Eat your heart out, Big Love!

While, the Waldorfs may not be “”sophisticated” enough to be included in the “Modern Royalty” book, Soon-to-be Convict Lily and Slutty Serena sure ARE!  However, since it is technically the “Rhodes” family, and not the van der Woodsens’ who will be featured in the book, this gives Lily’s Evil Mother Cece an excuse to invite Lily’s estranged older sister, Carol, to be included in the picture.  Though Carol seemingly wants NOTHING to do with Lily’s hoity toity Manhattan lifestyle, she, apparently, isn’t disgusted enough by it, to give up the opportunity to have her picture featured in a book celebrating the most Most Obnoxiously Wealthy Families in America.

“What do you say we have a Botox Party to celebrate?  For old time’s sake?”

Blatant hypocrisy aside, Sister Carol won me over immediately, due largely to her unparalleled ability to rip Lily’s upper crust lifestyle to shreds, in a manner that was both extremely effective and undoubtedly hilarious.  Ways in which Carol verbally slayed Lily included: (1) referring to Dr. VDW and Rugus as husbands numbered 1 and 5, respectively; (2) talking to Serena about her mother’s Brazilian wax jobs; (3) coming up with increasingly creative ways to “subtly” make reference to Lily’s impending jail time; and (4) suggesting that the theme for the family picture be Chicago, a broadway show, which also stars a hardened female criminal.

So, why would the “Modern Royalty” book want a dysfunctional family like Lily’s featured within its pages?  Actually .  . . they don’t.  The book publishers call to cancel the photo shoot, shortly after Carol enters the building.  Feeling sympathetic to a heartbroken Lily, Dr. VDW promises her that he will “work on it.”

Good Luck, Charlie!

Oh, look!  Another seemingly innocent blonde, who’s about to become corrupted by the UES lifestyle, and will eventually go batsh*t crazy, and try to ruin Serena’s life, as a result.  Because we’ve never seen THAT before, right?

Downstairs, in the lobby of the high rise where she lives, Serena is accosted by a young woman who looks SO much like her, they could be related.  “My family is not talking to the press,” asserts Serena haughtily, who’s self-absorbed arrogance convinces her that everyone in the world is a reporter, who’s life’s purpose is to interview HER.

As it turns out, “Charlie” is NOT a reporter!  And she IS related to Serena.  In fact, she’s Carol Rhodes’ daughter, which makes her Serena’s cousin.  Curious about the EEEEVVVIL branch of her family that her mother never allowed her to meet, Charlie decided to secretly follow her mother to New York City, and find out about the van der Woodsen’s for herself.  So, Serena decides to bond with her long-lost relative the only way she knows how having sex with her: They go SHOPPING!

Though not as deliciously nasty as Carol, the socially awkward Charlie also endeared herself to me, with HER characterization of the van der Woodsen family!  When asked by Serena, why her mother thought the VDW’s were “toxic,” Charlie replied, “Both you and your brother spent time in a mental institution.  Your dad gave your mom Fake Cancer.  And your mom sent some teacher to prison, just so you could get into a fance boarding school.”

You forgot the part where my mother and I slept our way through every eligible (and some not-so-eligible) bachelors in the tri-state area!”

Meanwhile, Lily and Carol are, back at the house, strolling down memory lane as they flip through pictures of the failed pilot episode starring these two as teens them, from when they were growing up together, back in the 80’s.

This segways into a random discussion about a childhood dance routine (which Lily and Carol actually PERFORM for the camera . . . and it looks a little something like this) . . .

 . . . and .  . . get this . . . the Gold Unitards they wore during it.  Suddenly, Lily and Carol are ready to Spend Obscene Amounts of Money on Things They Don’t Need too . . . like Gold Unitards, which NO ONE over the age of FIVE should wear . . . trust me!  Of course, while shopping, Lily and Carol run into Serena and Charlie . . .

AWK-WARD!

Carol immediately begins scolding Charlie, in public, rambling on about how she doesn’t want HER daughter tainted by this Terrible Horrible Filthy Rich lifestyle to which the rest of the “Rhodes” family is already accustomed.  She then forces Charlie to return all the FABULOUS clothes she purchased (not to mention the priceless “family heirloom” Serena gave her) and head back to their spaceship HOUSE BOAT in Miami, ASAP.

But just when it seems like all hope of a family reunion is lost, Serena overhears CeCe remind her daughter Carol that SHE too has been receiving checks from Grandma Cruella Deville. for YEARS!  Serena tells Charlie this, which quickly prompts the young woman’s rebellion / decision to stay on the Upper East Side for a little while to cause more trouble for the Gossip Girl cast, like all recurring guest stars inevitably do“get to know her family.”

“Toto, I don’t think we are on the House Boat, anymore!”

Experiencing guilt over being such a hypocritical BIATCH to  her own baby sister, Carol ultimately agrees to let Charlie stay with the VDW’s.  (She even promises to visit Lily, while she’s in jail and smuggle her in pot brownies.   I KNEW I liked this chick, for a reason!) 

Of course, this is not before Carol ominously refers to some “event” that resulted in Charlie having to leave college, and warns her sister, Lily, to “watch out for [Charlie].”  Later, we see Carol leering at Charlie, as she flirts with Dan Humphrey, for the first time.  UH OH!  I think we all know where THIS is going . . .

“I REFUSE to be ignored, Lonely Boy!”

Oh, and just in case you actually cared, the van der Woodsen / Rhodes ultimately got to take their picture for the Modern Royalty book.  Dan was in the photograph, but Raccoon Zombie Jenny wasn’t, or Chuck, for that matter.  How RUDE! 

Hey!  Where are the Gold Unitards I was promised?

Speaking of family affairs you don’t really give two craps about, Nate Archibald is going to help Raina go on a mission to find her long lost mother, who, as we know, is (unbeknownst to Raina) burnt to a crisp, and dead as a doornail. 

 I hope they bring a shovel!

Finally, in the story you’ve all been waiting for . . .

Chuck wins back Blair . . . and loses her . . . again . . . in a matter of minutes

DAN:  “Are you here to fight for Blair’s honor?”

CHUCK:  “Nah, I just need to use your bathroom.  I have to piss like a racehorse!”

No one’s secrets are safe on Gossip Girl.  And when Blair admits to Epperley that she has experienced a “kiss that profoundly changed her,” Epperley immediately texts that information to Chuck.  So, of course, Chuck heads out, to find out who owns the “life changing lips” in question.  He visits Humphrey first.  And, within, minutes, the latter is just rambling on and on (and on . . . and on) about how WONDERFUL Blair is.  Chuck puts two and two together, and figures out that Dan Humphrey’s lips are the “Evil Culprits.”

“Yes, he can kiss you.   But the question is, can he give you HOT LIMO SEX?”

Determined to show up the competition, Chuck gets Epperley to invite Dan to the “Modern Royalty” photo shoot, under the guise of his being featured in the “up-and-comer” section.  Poor Misguided Humpty Dumpty immediately assumes that it was Blair that got him included in the book.  So, of course, he is thrilled at the prospect of her returning his affections. 

“She likes me!  She REALLY likes me!”

However, upon arriving at the shoot, Humphrey learns from Blair, herself, that this is NOT the case.

“DOH!”

In fact . . . get this . .  . Dan’s kiss was ONLY life-changing, in the sense that it made Blair realize that she NEVER WANTED TO DO IT AGAIN!  (Ouch!)  In fact, the only man she EVER wants to swap saliva with, for the rest of eternity, is . . . wait for it . . . CHUCK BASS!

But then, OF COURSE, Chuck, being CHUCK, has to go SCREW EVERYTHING UP, by confronting Blair with his extremely snobbish, and arrogant, scheme to show her that “Humdrum Humphrey” is not part of “their world.”   

(Dammit CHUCK!  You were SO CLOSE!  Why did you have to go and a be a . . . word that rhymes with your name, and starts with “F?” )

“Dan Humphrey may not be royalty, but at least he’s not a child,” argues Blair, before stomping off.

In an attempt to right his wrongs, Chuck later brings Blair into his dressing room and screws her brains out, like only he can shows her the original Princess Diana dress he bought for her (sweet . . . yet . . . at the same time . . . slightly morbid?).  You see, Chuck wants Blair to be in his photo for the “Modern Royalty” shoot, because SHE is his family . . .

All together now . . . “Awwwwwww!”

“We can build our futures together,” says Chuck.

“That’s funny.  Because, this morning, I came to same conclusion.  I was ready to be with you.  I thought you changed, but I can see you are not ready,” says Blair sadly.

She then exits stage left, leaving Chuck and his beautiful dress, all by themselves, thereby forcing the Big Bass to pose solo for the loneliest family portrait EVER!

Man, these characters can be SO frustrating sometimes!

Later, Blair confronts Dan, to apologize for the dirty trick Chuck played on him, and for telling Chuck that their kiss meant absolutely nothing, RIGHT IN FRONT OF DAN!  TO Dan’s credit, he takes rejection REALLY well. (I mean, given his history on this show, he’s GOTTA be used to this by now . . .) 

Heck, Dan was just happy Blair compared kissing him to kissing a DOG instead of a TOAD . . . (Talk about setting low standards for yourself!)

“Woof!”

But wait!  SOMEONE was listening in on Blair’s and Dan’s private conversation!  Golly gee, I wonder who it could BE?

SURPRISE!  It’s MAN-NESSA, the Psycho Stalker who Lives to Snoop, and who just so happened to be present at the photo shoot, as part of her NefariousPlan to Continually Cock Block Every Male on this Show! internship.

GG fans, I’m seriously thinking of starting a campaign to get this character hit by a BUS?  Anybody with me?

But it’s not bad enough that Man-nessa eavesdrops on Dan’s and Blair’s conversation.  SHE then decides, despite the fact that both members of the lip-locking party explicitly tell eachother that the kiss they shared meant nothing, to CALL SERENA and rat them out to HER!!!!

I’m serious about the whole Hit by a Bus Thing, by the way .  . . Or, maybe Chuck can throw her off the Empire State Building!  That would be pretty cool, right? 

The inability of Man-nessa to stay out of my favorite characters’ lives for any extended period of time, even though NOBODY LIKES HER ON THE SHOW, is doing something strange to me . . . it’s actually making me MISS THE RACCOON ZOMBIE!

Oh, the horror!

At the end of the episode, Dorota tucks a very distraught Blair back into bed.  “Why does love have to be so hard, Dorota?”  Blair whines.  “All I ever wanted was a simple fairytale. Kate Middleton has it!  And I have much shinier hair than she does! Although, she does have a better assortment of hats . . .”

True . . . on all counts.

To this, the wise Dorota replies, “Destiny is full of surprises.”

And then, in a not-so-big-surprise at least if you read the spoilers, like I do, Prince Louis emerges from his limosine, outside Blair’s home, carrying the shoe she left him in Paris, in true Cinderella fashion . . .

It looks like the race for Blair Waldorf’s heart, just gained another runner!  Better lace up those sneakers, Bass and Humphrey, because it looks like this one’s going to be a MARATHON.  XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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