Tag Archives: Caroline and Stefan

Elena the Cheerleader Slayer – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Bring it On”

cheerleading

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Welcome back, Fangbangers!   This week on TVD, we got a chance to meet BAAAAAD Elena.  For those who are confused, BAAAAD Elena is actually not all that different from Good Elena.  She just wears less clothes, and eats more people!  (After all, perpetual nudity does cause one to work up an appetite . . . or so I’ve heard.)

freaking hungry

Also, in this episode, Klaus, the thousand-year old vampire drawer of ponies, ugly snowflakes, and random shapeless mounds of what look like poop “artist” extraordinaire, FINALLY GOT LAID, thus making him a hero for geriatrics everywhere!

klaus cheers

funny face grandpa

OK, so, it may not have been the most eventful TVD episode ever (or the second most, or even the eighth most).  But I guess after the doom and gloom of “Stand by Me,” the writers thought we were in need of something a little lighter . . . like a cheerleading competition!

spirit fingers

So, tighten up that high ponytail, puff up your pom-poms, and, for heaven sakes, leave that blue hair ribbon at home, because it’s time to “BRING IT ON!”

[As always, special thanks to Andre for the kickass screencaps.  This may be the first time, in a long time that he’s liked an episode more than I did.  Go figure!]

Drive-Thru Fast Food

car coming

She may be emotion free, and have terrible manners.

dont feel anything

kind of dead

But our Bad Elena is an incredible little student.  Look how effortlessly she perfected the Katherine and Damon method of Roadside Dine n’ Dash!

car parallel 1

car parallel 2 holding on my heart

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One small problem, of course.  For an undead girl, Bad Elena makes for a very unconvincing corpse.  At least Katherine and Damon bloodied their faces and went easy on the guyliner, for their “Monthly Street Lie-In.”  Not only was Bad Elena’s makeup flawless, her outfit unwrinkled, and her hair un-mussed, on her Roadkill Debut, but, for whatever reason, girlfriend decided to lay in the road, SPREAD EAGLED?

spread eagle

It kind of makes you wonder what Bad Elena was supposedly doing, before she was “hit by a car,” to make her “land” in such a precarious position.  Cheerleading, perhaps?  Or, maybe, something even more “athletic” . . .

delena sex real

ian says awesome

Anywhoo, our nameless, identity-free, unsuspecting, driver stops to help Roadkill Elena (as all nameless, identity-free, unsuspecting, drivers inevitably do), and ends up with a neck-full-of gore for her trouble.

friday yet

“Is it Friday yet?”

Have no fear, Nameless, Identity-free, Unsuspecting Driver!  Damon Salvatore has arrived to rescue you!

rescue

“Elena, darling.  Save some room for dessert!”

 I mean, sure, you are still probably going to be spending the next month of your life, sporting the ugliest neck hickey in the History of Neck Hickeys.  But hey, look on the bright side, at least you still have a neck!

happy elena

Damon tells Elena to “practice some restraint.” It’s worthwhile noting that this comment that would have been a lot funnier, had it been said by Season 1 Damon . . .

rawr damon

. . . than by Season 4 Damon, who — much to Delena fans’ chagrin — has somehow managed to only have sex with Elena ONE TIME, since this whole Sire Bond storyline crapped on graced our screens.

is this real

Season 4 Damon is the Granddaddy of Restraint, at least when it comes to his superhuman ability to nurse these . . .

blue balls

Coed Naked Elena

Damon drags a bloody faced, perpetually bored looking, but decidedly less hungry, Elena back home.  Shortly thereafter, at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Daddy Damon has a “family meeting” with Mommy Stefan, and Judgmental-Older Sister Caroline about how to handle their new unruly vampire baby.

listen

“Are they talking about me?  They are totally talking about me, aren’t they?”

Sidenote:  I did find myself briefly amused by the fact that, of ALL the houses in Mystic Falls, the SALVATORE water supply, just so happens to be the only one not laced with vervain.  Not only is that ridiculously convenient plot wise — how else would we get to see five glorious minutes of Damon singing in the shower, every other episode? — it’s also SUCH a major failure on the part of the Mayor.   I mean, Mystic Falls doesn’t seem like that BIG of a town, right?  In fact, I’d go as far as to say that at least 15% of the town’s vampire population currently lives, has lived at, or WILL live at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  And THAT’S the house they miss vervaining?

surrounded by idiots

Then again, this guy is related to Bonnie.  So, maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised . . .

2 22 bloody nose bonnie

Sorry, to all you Bonnie lovers out there.  I’m not sorry.

(Speaking of everyone’s favorite Witch Who Joined the Cult of Silas, girlfriend was notably absent from this week’s cheer festivities, thus proving that Shane/Silas ruins EVERYTHING . . . even extracurricular activities.)

fanboy 2

But back to this All-Important Family Meeting, Elena walks in on it, as unruly vampire babies are wont to do.  But, here’s the kicker, she’s TOTALLY NAKED . . . which would be a lot more surprising, if we hadn’t seen it in the promos.

naked elena

naked torrence

Still, it was fun to see the various characters’ reactions, to Elena in her birthday suit.  They were embarrassed (Stefan), amused (Damon), and aghast (Caroline) respectively.

soapy damon

see naked

the show

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By the way, did you notice how Elena’s “It’s not like you haven’t all seen it before” statement included Caroline?  Now, THAT would make for a great fanfiction  . . .

There Goes the Neighborhood

Before Elena heads off for her first day back to school in about eight episodes since her “dehumanizing,” she and Damon play a quick game of Sire Says.  For those of you who are unfamiliar, Sire Says, is a lot the Simon Says game you used to play as kids, except the commands take a lot longer to carry out than your typical, “jump on one leg,” “pat your head, while rubbing your tummy” sort of instructions.  Plus, rather than saying the typical “Sire Says,” prior to giving a command, Damon is forced to say something like, “If you really loved me you’d . . .”

want you to do

(Where have we heard that one before, ladies?)

But here’s the rub.  BAAAAAAD Elena doesn’t love anybody anymore, which kind of puts the kibosh on the whole “Sire Bond” thing.

soap dish smash

The good news about that, is that Damon can finally sex with Elena, without worrying about it being . . . you know . . . Sire Bond Sex.

damon-s-dance-o

The bad news is that, without the Sire Bond to force her to switch her emotions back on, BAAAAD Elena could very well end up being BAAAAD Elena FOREVER . . . or at least until the next Sweeps period . . .

damon soulful crying

The Quick and the Undead

In non-Elena related news (Who am I kidding?  Everything on this show somehow ties back to Elena.) , Hayley (Remember her?) is wandering around some random gas station when some hot, soon-to-be-dead, vampire comes thisclose to making her into a tasty werewolf burger.

going to eat

meat with eyes

And you are never going to guess who saves her?

nite bite

Wait, yeah you are, because you already saw the episode. It’s Klaus.  You see, Katherine wants Hayley dead, because Hayley was a party to Katherine’s plans to steal the cure, and, therefore, might know her whereabouts.  And Klaus wants Hayley alive, for the exact same reason.  Comprende?

nodding oh yeah

Now, Klaus has two people to mine for information about Katherine’s whereabouts: (1) Hayley, obviously; and (2) the now-dying-of-werewolf bite guy who just tried to kill Hayley on Katherine’s behalf.  So, he makes things easier for himself, by sending Damon and Rebekah after the one he doesn’t want to f*&k.  Convenient, right?

fantastic

How’s this for a small world?  When Damon finds Hayley’s would-be killer / Katherine’s minion, it turns out that he knows the guy!  It’s some hot vamp named “Will” from New York.  So, Damon decides to do what any self-respecting vampire would do, when he meets up with an old dying friend from New York . .  . he rips his heart out.  Nice knowing ya, Hot Will!  See ya in next week’s flashbacks!

pull heart

“Damon, don’t leave me here to die.  You’re breaking my heart!”

heart tug

smirky damon

“Problem solved!”

Also, in not-related-to-Elena news, it turns out that the mystery person whose been gorging on the local hospital blood supply is . . . wait for it . . . SILAS.  Be afraid, Scooby Gang!  Be very afraid!

surprised-face

Speaking of scary . . .

Cheerleading is a bloodsport . . .

With this odd expression on her face that makes her look like a Stepford Wife controlled by Dr. Evil . . .

blue ribbon

dr-evil

. . . Bad Elena politely requests that Cheer Captain Caroline let her back on the cheerleading squad.  Cheer Captain Caroline (who, come to think of it, bares a striking resemblance to Cheer Captain Torrence, from the first Bring it on Movie)

cheerleader again

dunst make out

. . . thinks this is an AWESOME idea . . . possibly because, in addition to spiking the town’s water supply with Vervain, the Mayor has also spiked it with Stupid.

Damon eye roll

I mean, seriously, how did Vampire Barbie not realize that this was going to end badly.  Hasn’t she ever seen Jennifer’s Body?

Caroline’s questionable judgment aside, Elena is immediately allowed back on the Cheerleading Squad.  And, then, literally the next minute, she’s at a cheer competition.  Now, that’s impressive.  I wonder what poor freshman got [eaten] kicked off the travel squad bus, so that Elena could compete.  Perhaps, it was this one .  . .

april 1

. . . Haven’t seen the generally useless and ridiculously annoying perky April Young lately, have we?  Wouldn’t it be great if, she somehow ended up being Silas?  Just saying . . .

As someone who has attended regional sports competitions in high school, I can tell you, it’s never a good idea to leave your crap on the bus.  ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS take your crap off the bus, OK?  For one thing, those meets are looooooong. You are typically there for hours, and are usually only competing for maybe 7 minutes of that time, if you are lucky.  So, you are definitely going to want to have your crap with you while you wait.

left my crap on bus

“I left my crap on the bus.”

“Haha, moron!”

Also, I’m sure, by now, you’ve noticed that all school buses look alike.  So, the chance of you actually locating yours, when your bus driver isn’t smoking in the front seat, are about as likely as TVD hooking up Matt with Klaus, this season.  And even if you do find it, there’s about a 95% chance it’s locked up tight, which means you’re not getting in there, until that meet is OVER!

Another reason not to leave your crap on the bus? Elena Gilbert might come there, EAT YOU, and take away your ugly blue ponytail ribbon.

on bus

like ribbon 1

like ribbon 2

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When Caroline finds Elena with a TOTALLY NOT MATCHING WITH HER RED UNIFORM blue ponytail ribbon, she is SUPER PISSED .  . . though I’m not sure whether she’s more angry about the whole “eating the competition” thing, or the fact that Elena’s blue ribbon is like totally clashing with the team uniform . . .  Whatever, the reason, she gives Elena a piece of her mind.

not cheerleading

stop me

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cheerocracy

This, in turn, prompts Elena to let Caroline fall on her ass during Cheer Pyramid time.

ploppy

life on my back

“Last time Elena got me on my back, I was having a lot more fun . . .”

Bring it On Torrence would NEVER have stood for that!  It’s time for revenge, Caroline.  Shove that Spirit Stick right up Elena’s ass . . .

spirit stick drop

Or, maybe, just have Stefan do that for you.  Outside Cheer Town, Stefan responds to Elena’s boredly hitting on him, by vervaining her ass and dragging her back home.

in my arms

“I think this is the most play I’ve gotten from Elena all season.”

Meanwhile, back at Klaus House  . . .

The “Art” of Seduction

Haley is not so much admiring, as, insulting Klaus’ artwork, while Klaus attempts, with only limited success, to extract from Tyler’s former Girl Friday information about Katherine’s whereabouts.  Klaus admits that he uses art as a way to exert control over the world around him.  Funny, because that’s exactly how Haley uses sex!

seduce

Klaus wants Caroline, and information about Katherine (which Hayley might have).  Hayley wants Tyler, and information about her long lost family (which Klaus might know, based on his remark about her birthmark).  They agree to form an unholy alliance to help one another get what they want.  Instead of shaking hands on the deal, like normal humans, Klaus and Hayley decide to screw on it, which, I guess, is like shaking private parts.

klaus sex 1

klaus sex 2

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laid 2

getting laid

All right, now I know a lot of fans have been bitching about the whole Klaus / Haley sexual interlude thing.  They say the two actors have no chemistry with one another.  They say the whole scene seemed less designed to drive the plot, and more designed to promote the spinoff, The Originals, in which both characters have already been awarded starring roles.  They have a point . . .

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

But, here’s the thing . . . I’m GLAD Klaus finally got laid on camera.  For one thing, the audience has gone way too long, without seeing Joseph Morgan shirtless, weird Sesame Street-esque triangle back tattoo, notwithstanding.  Are Klaus and Haley a great love match?  Absolutely not.  But it was starting to stretch the realms of believeability that a hormonally-charged, perpetual 20-something, would remain entirely celibate for two-plus years, all because he “fell in love” with a high school girl.  No matter how much Damon loved Elena, he was constantly getting laid, throughout the first three seasons of the series.  And if TVD had any sense of realistic character development, that’s exactly what Klaus should have been doing this whole time .  . . you know, when he wasn’t plotting World Domination and /or staking his siblings, and/or shamelessly hitting on Stefan . . .

klaus face

House Party Munchies

Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena tells Stefan that she remembers him being good in bed . . .

remember sex

good sexx

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stefan salvatore fist pump best

. . . but only in a clinical way . . . not in a way that makes her want to marry him, and have his vampire babies .. . because that’s not what BAAAAD Elena is about.

What is BAAAAD Elena about, you ask?  PARTIES!

dancing elena

3 8 dance

That’s right!  Our impressively efficient Evil Elena somehow manages to invite the ENTIRE SCHOOL to Stefan’s house all within her five minute conversation with him.  Talk about speed text messaging!  She must have learned that from THIS GUY . . .

texting

Damon and Beks arrive at the party, just in time for Damon to tell Klaus Barbie that she shouldn’t really want the cure, because humans are boring . . . well, except for Human Elena, of course . . .

Break on Through

Having survived her brush with Cheer Death, Caroline arrives at the party, SUPER PISSED at her gal pal, Elena.  Her and Stefan are very worried about the state of their friend’s soul, indeed.  But not worried enough to keep them from DANCING . . . HOLLA!

pickup sss

dancing steroline

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dont dance

Despite Stefan having only recently finished sexing up Rebekah, and Caroline only recently having “split” with Tyler (more on that in a bit), these two have been flirting with one another, something fierce lately.   Do I smell a future hookup?  Elena sure seems to . . .

jealous emotion

“Why do I look so jealous?   I’m not supposed to have emotions, this week.”

Man, is this group getting incestuous. . .

We interrupt this dating game to bring you Elena trying to EAT CAROLINE’S MOM!

elena what

drinking drug use

eating mom

“I knew becoming a cop was a mistake.  I should have become a pirate, like I wanted to back when I was a kid.”

pissed car

oh hell to the no

Watch it, Elena!  You almost killed the only parental figure left alive in Mystic Falls.  You’re going to pay . . .

It’s girl fight time!  BRING IT ON!

shut up make me

3 6 warrior elena

strangle regina

And, once again, the Salvatore brothers must come to the rescue . . .

turn on

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This used to be my boyfriend’s house (Now it’s my ex-boyfriend’s house)

Poor Caroline!  Now, I’ve heard of guys breaking up with girls by voicemail, text message, post-it note, even Facebook / Twitter status update.  But I’ve never heard of a guy breaking up with a girl by deeding his house to her ex-boyfriend!  Ouch!

tyler points

And us fans thought JerBear got a bad send off, when his stinky corpse got burnt to a crisp, along with the Gilbert house.  Tyler got two minute voice over, in the same episode where Caroline very much looked like she’d already started moving on with Stefan.  Now, that’s gotta hurt!

crying care bear

“Dammit!  Now, I’ll have to choose from one of the other eight boys on this show currently hitting on me.”

In lighter news, Matt Donovan, Teenage Mansion Owner, just became the RICHEST poor guy, ever!

hey ladies

3 1 high matt tbtvdgifs

“I’ll buy a limousine, instead!”

Maybe now, he can finally stop working at the Only Bar / Social  Establishment in Mystic Falls, and start trying to find himself a REAL storyline . . .

A girl can dream, right?

On the Road Again . . .

thirsty damon 2

dont care

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Pop Quiz:  Where’s the best place to take your now- humanity-free girlfriend on a road trip?

stefan shrug

Personally, I’d go with Vegas.  I mean, they call it Sin City for a reason, right.  Damon, however, opts to bring Elena to New York City, former home of the now literally heartless Will.

city never sleeps 1

city never sleeps 2

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This could be promising . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

waves

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Stake, Rattle and Roll – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Rager”

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Umm, Elena.  This may not be the best time to tell you this, but . . . you have a little something on your face.

Howdy, Fangbangers!  This week, on TVD, Elena got some lessons in Vampire Anger Management from . . . This Guy?

She also took the most ridiculously uncool-looking motorcycle ride since this moviecame out, back in 2007 . . .

Also this week, Rebekah did her best impersonation of what Regina George from Mean Girls would act like, if Regina George from Mean Girls was a vampire . . .

While Damon opted instead for a little Vampire Magic Mike action . . .

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Let’s review, shall we?

Because in Mystic Falls, the Dentist makes house calls . . .

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“OK, now open your mouth and say AHHHHHHHHHH!

Of all the spooky things that happen on this show, I’d have to say the most terrifying of them all aside from Elena’s massive Blood Puke Fest, last week was that time when Vampire Hunter Connor performed some impromptu dental work on Hybrid Tyler.  Because, let’s face it.  Dentists are way scarier than any vampire, werewolf or witch, I’ve ever seen . . .

It all started with Tyler snoozing at the hospital, recovering from his not-so-much-there-anymore bullet wound . . .

Poor Tyler!  It’s so hard to find good help these days.  You would think that with all the money Mommy spent on her son’s hospital bodyguard, he’d be smart enough not to leave his post and WANDER DOWN THE HALL, just because he “heard a sound.”

I mean, come on!  If that’s not the oldest trick in the book, I don’t know what is . . .

The good news is supernatural Tyler was more than equipped to battle his intruder.  The bad news?  He had to do it while wearing a dress . . .

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“Let’s dance!  One-two-cha-cha-cha.  Three-four-cha-cha-cha.”

I’m going to go ahead and give Tyler the benefit of the doubt, by saying that his inconvenient “battle attire” was at least partially to blame for his getting his ass handed to him by a guy whose idea of a good time is carving pictures into bullets for fun.  Of course, that whole “being injected with a paralytic” thing didn’t help either . . . Oh, then this happened . . .

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“Hey, you know, since you’re already in there, would you mind checking out this cavity I have on my left molar?

So, it turns out, Connor didn’t want to clean Tyler’s teeth at all!  He was just using him for his vampire-killing werewolf venom!  HOW RUDE!

“You owe me, Bro!  I don’t give up my spit to just anybody!  That sh*t’s sacred!”

Tyler returned home to his Mommy’s house,  only to learn that Klaus and his band of Merry Mute Hot Hybrids had come to crash at his pad for a few days . . .

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“Hey Tyler.  I’ve decided to use your home as the photo-shoot site for my Sexy Supernaturals of 2013 Calendar.  Meet Mr. January and Mr. March.”

I kid!  Actually, Klaus hired these soon-to-be-dead extras to protect Tyler – his special snowflake of a hybrid.

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After all, now that former Bloodbag Elena is immortal, Klaus’ sex slaves magical creations are kind of an “endangered species.”  Without them, Klaus might be forced to hire boring humans to kiss his ass for him, like regular rich people do.  Perish the thought!

I don’t know, Klaus.  Putting all your precious hybrids under one roof doesn’t seem like such a good idea to me.  For one thing, the entire species has just become one “gas leak” away from extinction.  Hasn’t the Anti-Vampire Council taught you anything?

Not to mention the fact that Vampire Hunter Connor now has a convenient one-stop shop for all the werewolf spit he could possibly want.  But more on that later . . .

Damon Salvatore Stars in “Trailer Park Shenanigans”

When we first saw Damon this week, he was ragging on his little brother . .  .

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 . .  . while making empty threats to leave Mystic Falls for about the 28th time since the series began . . .  Oh Damon!  You aren’t fooling anybody.  We all know you can’t bear to leave The Elena for more than half an episode . . .

Anywhoo, Damon heads over to the scummy-looking trailer where Vampire Hunter Connor is currently residing.  And, perhaps this is just me, but I thought it looked suspiciously similar to the scummy-looking trailer where those lame werewolves put down stakes, back in Season 2.  Perhaps, all of Mystic Falls’ Big Bads engage in some kind of a carpooling / timeshare system?

“It’s because none of us ever live long enough to sign a long-term lease.”

So, Damon was chilling in this trailer (though, I’m not quite sure how he got in, as he was clearly never invited), perusing some purloined love letters from the late Pastor Young, when all the sudden, this happened . . .

Don’t you just hate it, when you’re trespassing in your enemy’s house, and you find yourself stabbed with an arrow attached to a bomb that’s triggered to go off, if you move a muscle?  I know I do!  Fortunately, Damon was used to this . . .

Ahhh . . . sweet foreplay.

And promptly decided to phone his lady friend for help . . .

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It was just another day at the office for Dr. Meri-Death Fell, who promptly extracted the offending bomb-arrow-contraption from our hero’s pelvis, while offering him some sage advice about the importance of “brotherly love.”  Damn, when I go to the doctor, I’m lucky if I get a 15 cent lollipop along with my bill!

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That’s right, folks.  Much like a certain Vampire Rose, Meredith Fell is one of those characters I initially hated, who came to earn my grudging respect by admitting that she is on Team Delena.

I mean, really.  How could I possibly hate a character who tells Damon he’s the better brother, because he’s out actually protecting Elena from evil vampire hunters, while Saint Stefan is busy carting her around to poison keggers, and taking her on stupid motorcycle rides?

Speaking of Elena and Stefan . . .

Back-alley wrist sucking, and bathroom catfights

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Well . . . that’s one way of checking if your pencil is sharp enough . . .

Like many enterprising high school students, Elena’s day began with a healthy breakfast . . .

So beefy!

How far the mighty hath fallen, Matt.  You used to make out with girls like Elena behind the school.  Now, the best you can hope for is that they offer you a bandaid, after they’ve sucked the marrow out of your wrist . . .

“Try to eat less garlic for dinner.  My hot vampire boyfriends, who I actually make out with, have been complaining about my breath.”

Over in The-History-Class-That-Used-to-Be-Taught-By-Alaric-Saltzman-But-Is-Now-Taught-By-a-Blind-Teacher-Who’s-Oblivious-to-the-Fact-That-Her-Students-Occasionally-Stab-Eachother-with-Pencils, Rebekah and Elena exchanged some harsh words with one another.

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It seems that Elena doesn’t like Rebekah, because Rebekah (1) killed Alcoholic Surrogate Dad, (2) kind of /sort of killed Elena, (3) almost killed Elena’s bloodbag, Matt, and (4) used to bone both of Elena’s boyfriends, Damon and Stefan.

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In turn, Rebekah doesn’t like Elena, because . . . well . . . everyone else in Mystic Falls loooooves Elena, and it totally pisses Rebekah off.

It didn’t take long for Rebekah and Elena to start cat fighting with one another, using one bloody pencil as a shared weapon between them.  Meanwhile, useless Stefan, not wanting to “get involved,” sat idly by, clearly turned on by the spectacle, and obviously imagining that the two hot vampettes were fighting over him . . .

Did I mention that Vampire Hunter Connor — who seems to have no gainful employment, and therefore, can spend all his time designing pretty bullets, booby trapping his trailer, and lurking around high schoolers like the pedophile we all know him secretly to be — was conveniently at Mystic Falls High that day?  Though Connor’s initial reason for showing up at the school was to hit on “recruit” latent-vampire hunter Jeremy, who he noticed was totally checking out his super-secret tattoos, last week, at the Only-Bar-Social-Establishment-in-Mystic-Falls . . .

. . . the sexy bald man’s presence at Mystic Falls High School actually ended up being beneficial to multiple parties.  First, there was Rebekah, who devised a rather clever plan to out the newbie vamp in front of her would-be killer, by preparing her a surprise mid-morning snack . . .

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Don’t do it, Elena.  Eating in the bathroom is SUPER unsanitary . . .

Fortunately, Elena — who, let’s face it, is probably used to going hungry often, given her penchant for model thinness — managed to control her inner cannibal.  And our “SAG card winning” (three lines is all it takes!) student extra got to live another day . . .

Another unintended beneficiary of Connor’s presence was Matt, who, in a moment of rare genius, outed the much-despised Rebekah as a vamp, when asked about the source of his “arm hickeys.”  Did I mention that Rebekah was planning to have a big keg party that night at her new home?  Ruh-roh, Klaus Barbie fans . . . I smell trouble!

BEER BAD!

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So, you know how, at the beginning of the episode, Connor sucked spit out of Tyler’s mouth (it’s not as sexy as it sounds) for no seemingly discernible reason?  Well, it turns out he can use it to spike the keg supply at Rebekah’s party, thereby murdering all Mystic Falls Teen Vamps with one proverbial red solo cup!  Pretty ingenious, right?

Except, here’s the thing . . . I mean, the guy took, what, two tablespoons, three tablespoons of saliva TOPS from Tyler’s mouth?  And that’s supposed to saturate an entire keg?  That must be some seriously powerful mouth goo!

“Even my spit is awesome . . .”

So, of course, the big question becomes, will any of OUR favorite vamps drink the poison beer?

Because if that’s not a PSA against underage drinking, I don’t know what is!

But first, our Scooby Gang had to get to the party.  And Elena, for one, was not about to attend her nemeses’ soiree empty handed.  She planned on partying with a big stick in her hand . . . Damon’s big stick, of course. 😉

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Again, special thanks to Connor for bloodying up Damon, thereby giving our favorite Salvatore an excuse to “get out of those DIRRRTY clothes,” right when Elena was stopping by to rifle through Damon’s underwear drawer for that . . white oak stake.

Yeah, whatever, Elena.  You can claim all you want that you came over to Damon’s house just to “kill Rebekah” with that “magical Original-killing stake,” but we all know the only hard pointy object you were really interested in lies right between Damon’s legs . . .

Speaking of couples that I ship more than Stelena, did you all get a load of the intense connection / sweet chemistry between Baby Vamp Caroline and Daddy Vamp, Stefan, this week?

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Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m still a card-carrying Forwood fan.  But there’s just something about the easy-going, natural, and non-judgmental way in which Stefan and Caroline relate to one another, that makes Stefan seem so much more relatable than he is when he’s worshiping at the altar of and/or stern father figuring Elena . . .

Though it’s not something I see as being an “endgame,” I definitely wouldn’t mind the writers delving a bit further into the Steroline relationship, this season .  . .

But since I mentioned Tyler, I should add that our baby hybrid has gotten himself into a bit of a pickle.  And that pickle has a name: Hayley . . .

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Ever since Tyler’s convenient miraculous “breaking of the sire bond, off-screen” many fans have been wondering what, or, perhaps more accurately, whohe was doing, during those “lost months in the woods.”  Now, we know.

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OK.  Here’s the thing, even if we give Tyler the benefit of the doubt, and assume that he was a perfect gentleman, all through his time away from Caroline, we all know how intense werewolf-shifting can be for a couple of hot-blooded horny teens . . .

And, just like Stefan took some serious umbrage at the notion of Damon and Elena sharing blood  . . .

. . . I suspect that the naturally jealous Caroline will have some serious issues with the idea of Tyler shifting in front of another single lady.  And, of course, Klaus, who inadvertently found out about Hayley’s existence this week,  will undoubtedly use this situation to his advantage . . .

In short, I predict a lot of drawings of ponies from this guy, in the near future . . .

But back to the beer.  Rebekah was drinking like a fish, so we knew immediately that she’d be in for a rough night.

Hoity toity Stefan, on the other hand, shuns all cheap booze.  (Only the best for our Baby Salvatore!)  So, he was in the clear . . .

At first, Elena seemed like she might be safe, having offered her cup of brew to the Quirky! Adorable! April Young.  But then Big Bad Rebekah had to go and temporarily sunburn Elena, by dropping her sunscreen ring down the insinkerator.  Oops!

No one ruins Elena’s flawless complexion and gets away with it!  Elena was out for blood!  She grabbed her surrogate Damon Salvatore Penis white oak stake, and prepared to strike.  But then Jiminey Cricket the Vampire, a.k.a. Stefan informed Elena that killing an entire line of vampires, just because some b*tch jacked your ugly ring, would be a bit excessive.  So, Elena decided to do the next best thing . . . a keg stand?

“Mmmm poison Lockwood backwash mixed with Bud Light.  A tasty combination!”

It seemed like a kind of random move to me.  But it sure did piss off Rebekah.  So, mission accomplished, in that regard.  Also, it looked cool.  And Elena really needed those extra coolness points to make up for the ridiculousness of the scene that followed this one . .

“A whole new wooooooooorld . . . “

Ahhh young love (though, I guess, in this case, only half-young)!  It can be so freeing sometimes, can’t it?  It can make you feel immortal especially if you are actually immortal.  It can make you feel like you’re . . . wait for it . . .  “The King of the World.”

It can make you do stupid dorky things, like wear a funny-looking helmet on a motorcycle ride that is supposed to represent your new-found freedom from doing things like wearing funny-looking helmets . . .

“Yippppeeeeeeeee!”

“Woooohooooo!”

“Yeeeehawwwww!”

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I don’t know.  I just think there were plenty of less cringe-worthy ways to make the point that Elena was embracing her free-spirited vampire side.   For example, she could have gone bungee jumping, or cliff diving.  She could have . . . danced in her underwear with Damon Salvatore . . .

Instead, she did this.  And the whole time I was watching, I was secretly hoping that she would faceplant into a tree.  Yes, I’m aware that makes me a terrible person . . .

Speaking of Guilt . . .

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Dating Tips by Rebekah Mikaelson: “When the boy you like seems unwilling to give you his heart, take it for yourself.  He probably wasn’t using it, anyway.

Delirious from the werewolf venom that was just starting to make it’s way through their respective bloodstreams, both Rebekah and Elena were forced to face the darkest sides of their true nature.  For Rebekah, this meant hearing the boy she had grown to admire most, tell her she was juvenile, pathetic, and undeserving of love.  So, she did what any girl would do in that situation.  She ripped out his heart . . . literally . . .

Don’t worry, Matt lovers.  It was just a dream . . . for now . . .

As for Elena, during sex with Stefan, she also did what any girl would do in her situation . . . She imagined she was boning Damon.

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The writers implied that this hallucination was meant to represent Elena’s belief that her vampire style was more akin to that of the fun-loving, morally loose, murderer-in-moderation, Damon, than to the all-or-nothing, Jekyll and Hyde, Puritan/Ripper Stefan.

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But, personally, I prefer to think that Elena got a nice long glimpse of Damon’s “white oak stake” earlier in the day, and decided that she wanted MORE, MORE, MORE . . .

Speaking of Damon . . .

Badass Bromances and Who the F*&k are The Five . . .

With the help of Jeremy, who used Connor’s “interest” in him to lure the vampire hunter to the hospital, under the guise of catching Damon Salvatore . . .

And Damon would know . . .

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  . . . Damon, and, surprisingly enough, Klaus, banded together to ensnare vampire hunter Connor in a trap that was remarkably similar to the one Connor caught Damon with earlier.  (Payback is a b*tch.)

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With Connor caught in their crosshairs, Klaus and Damon took this time to flirt with one another, as former enemies turned bromantic buddies will inevitably due . . .

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Of course, all this flirting and trash talking leads to the inadvertent exposure of some intriguing information about Connor.  According to Klaus, his tattoos, along with the markings on his bullets designate him as more than just your garden-variety Alaric Saltzman type vampire hunter.  Rather, Connor (and possibly Jeremy) is one of the elusive “Five,” a group of supernatural vampires that . . . I suspect . . . might have the ability to revert vampires back into their mortal form.

Aha, TVD . . . I see what you are doing here, you sly devils you . . .

Unfortunately, before my suspicions can be confirmed, Connor and foes trigger the bomb and the room goes kablooey, taking Connor right along with it into oblivion . . . or does it?

In which Klaus saves EVERYONE, and Damon saves . . . Matt?

Like many of you viewers, I found it amusing that, after all that has happened, Stefan still has Klaus on speed dial, and willingly cell phone stalked him, when Elena needed the Original Hybrid’s blood to cure her werewolf poisoning.  Of course, as we all know by now, Klaus never does anything without a clear and calculated reason, and his rescue of vampire non-bloodbag, Elena is no different.  In a surprise scene at the end of the episode, we find out that Klaus has also saved Connor.

Could it be that Klaus has plans to use Connor to turn Elena back into a human, so that he can use her blood to create more hybrids?  Only time will tell . . .

Speaking of bloodbags, we find a newly healthy Elena chowing down on Matt’s arm again, just as she did earlier in the episode.  Except this time around she’s . . . wait for it . . .

Of all the people in Matt’s world, Elena was probably the last person he thought would almost kill him.  And yet, almost kill him, Elena does, putting Blood bag boy’s life in danger, for about the 80th time this season . . .

Then, in a complete reversal of the scene from the pilot, in which minutes-old vampire Elena rescued Matt from a furious-Damon, the Elder Salvatore holds back the ravenous Elena from finishing off her quarterback jock chew toy . . .

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Just as Stefan seemed the perfect person to teach the naturally impulsive baby vamp Caroline to control her vampire urges, by helping her go cold turkey from them, until she could cope with them more naturally, so too does Damon’s method of bloodsucking-in-moderation seem well-suited to Elena’s more even-keeled, laid-back temperament.  Once again, I was touched by how gentle, and non-judgmental Damon was with Elena, reminding her that her vampire impulses were not shameful, and promising her that he could help her control them in a way that would still enable her to enjoy her un-death . . .

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This, of course, leads us right in to the positively Fangtastic-looking promos for next week’s episode, which I would like to hereby lovingly entitle: The Delena LOVE AND SEX Buffet .  . . See for yourself . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

23 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries

The Vampire Diaries’ Season 3 Premiere “The Birthday” – We’re Liveblogging It!

“Did someone say something about a Naked Liveblog?  Because I definitely could be down for something like that.”

“I’m not going to look at Damon’s package . . . I’m not going to look at Damon’s package .  . . I’m not going to . . .  HOLY CRAP THAT’S BIG!  I’m sorry.  What’s this about a Liveblog?  I got . . . distracted.”

It’s that time again, Fangbangers!  The Vampire Diaries is returning for it’s third season, this Thursday!  And you know what that means, right?

Yes, I know you’re hungry, Stefan.  But that really doesn’t answer my question . . .

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Now we’re talking.  I am definitely expecting some sex, this season, Caroline . . .  specifically, YOUR sex .  . . with TYLER.

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What else have you got for me?

Excellent point, Damon and Elena!  I am hoping to see some seriously sexually tense moments between you two, in Season 3 (and maybe MORE than sexually tense;))?

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(You know I’m rooting for you, Big Guy!  Just keep doing that “Eye Thing” you do, and I’m sure you will win her over, eventually.)

Anything else . . .

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In a minute, Stefan!  Can’t you see, I’m working here?

Oh, stop pouting!  It’s unbecoming of a man your age!  Come on!  What else can we expect from this season?

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A ghost threesome between Jeremy, Anna and Vicki .  . . Yes, I’m definitely looking forward to that!  (So is Jeremy, I suspect.)  Anything else?

Sure, Kat, I think it’s safe to say there to be SOME dancing.  Is that all?

Yes!  Stefan and Klaus!  Team Ripper . . . breaking hearts . . . and eating them . .  . one defenseless human at a time.  I’m expecting to see A LOT of that this season . . .

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Of course, a new Vampire Diaries’ Season Premiere ALSO means a new CRAAAAAAZY liveblog, courtesy of my brilliant blogging pals, Amy, of ImaginaryMen, Cherie, of SpideySense, and myself . . .

What’s a LiveBlog, you ask?  Well, it’s kind of like a chat room where you can talk (well, more accurately, “type”) about “The Birthday” with other fabulous fangirls (and boys), like yourself, while the show is airing.  Or, if you’re shy, just sit back, relax, and let us do the work for you!

Well . . . don’t get too relaxed.  Because then you won’t be able to watch the show! 

 In addition to covering the play-by-play of the episode, and repeatedly cooing over the hotness of the show’s cast  (Comments like “OMG!  HE IS SO GORGEOUS!” are, of course, inevitable, in these types of forums, and TOTALLY welcome!)

We aren’t blind, after all . . . 

 . .  . Amy, Cherie and I will also be regaling you with screenshots from the episode, hot photos of the cast, and fun live polls, in which can take part.

TYLER: *reads*  “Who’s the hottest character on The Vampire Diaries?  I’m going to go with choice “C,” Tyler!”

CAROLINE:  “Hmmmm . . . what are the other choices?”

TYLER:  “Hey!  Don’t make me BITE YOU!”

Of course, if you miss the LiveBlog, and want to check it out after the episode airs, you can do that too!

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Just to give you an idea of what you can expect from us, here’s an example of a LiveBlog we did back in May, for the show’s Season 2 Finale.

Well . . . at least one person seemed to enjoy it . . . 

(Oh, and just a quick note, because we had some confusion last year.  A LiveBlog is not the same thing as a LiveStream.  Unfortunately, the technology we have available to us from CoverItLive does not allow us to stream the episode to other viewers, over the internet.  It provides ”chat” services only.  There are a number of other websites that will stream the episode for you, of course.  However, us fangirls don’t have the resources – or the necessary legal approval – to offer you that particular service.  Sorry, in advance!)

No need to get all huffy, Damon!  I just didn’t want anyone to get confused.  That’s all! 

So, if you are up for celebrating The Vampire Diaries’ Season 3 Premiere with a bunch of kooky fangirl bloggers, who share a love of  both snarky commentary and shirtless vampires . . .

We love you too, Katherine! 

CLICK HERE at 8 p.m. on Thursday, September 15th! 

Until then, feel free to watch (and rewatch, and rewatch . . .) this extended preview for the Season 3 Premiere of The Vampire Diaries . . .

 . . . and THIS sexy new Teaser for the series . . .

 . .. and THIS brand new, SUPER SECRET scene from “The Birthday” .  . .

Oh, stop being so over dramatic, Stefan!   I said I would feed you, and I would!

See you on Thursday, My Fellow Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

15 Comments

Filed under Live Blogging Event, The Vampire Diaries

The Vampire Diaries: Pre – Season 3 Redux (A Chat About Promos, Spoilers, Speculation, Hopes, Dreams, Etc. for the Upcoming Season)

Greetings, Fangbangers!  In this FINAL installment of the Ripper Redux Series, before the Season 3 premiere, Amy (from ImaginaryMen) and I talk about the new promos, spoilers, and screencaps.   We also speculate about where we think each of our favorite characters will be heading, this season . . .  So, let’s get started.  Because we have A LOT of ground to cover!

(By the way, you can find links to our First Four Ripper Redux posts here, and a link to our most recent post comparing Elijah’s and Klaus’ relationship to Stefan’s and Damon’s here.  Happy reading!)

I. THE NEW SEASON 3 PROMO – APPETITES

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A. CONCEPTUAL PORTION – (A.K.A. THE PART WITH THE BLOODY CAKE)

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Kjewls

First, let me start off by saying, I loved the promo.  It was everything you could want in an episode teaser:  sexy, evocative, funny, dark, mysterious, and, with just enough new scenes to, forgive the cliche, “whet your appetite” for the upcoming season.

(P.S. Special thanks to Cherie, over at Spidey Sense for letting me know this was available!)

Of course, I could have done with a few MORE new Season 3 scenes, and a few LESS Season 2 ones.  But hey, no promo is perfect, right?

Speaking of imperfect . . . (or perfect . . .  depending on your thoughts about public urination) was Klaus seriously PEEING in the first second of the new promo?

If you listen closely, there is a second, before the promo song begins (“Damned if you Do,” by the Kills, which I LOVE), where you can hear the distinct sounds of a were-vampire relieving himself on some nearby bushes.  I just hope he didn’t pee in Elena’s cake.

Imaginary Men

Ha – they were joking about that on Twitter too.  It seems more like Katherine than Elena. The way she’s lounging sexily and then stabbing the cake

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kjewls
True, but I think it’s Elena’s birthday cake, since her 18th Birthday Party will be featured in the premiere episode.

Then again, Kat and Elena have the same B-day.  And yet, this Doppelganger seemed miffed about the whole “Blood in Her Cake Thing,” just like “Little Miss I Don’t Want To Be a Vampire” obviously Elena would have been, whereas Kat probably would have LOVED a nice yummy blood cake.

The question is:  vampire blood or were-vamp blood?
ImaginaryMen

Klaus doesn’t just GIVE werevamp blood away – it comes at a price!

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kjewls
I wonder if they are hinting at Elena possibly turning into a vampire, by the end of the season.  I don’t think this should spoil anything, since the books are so different, but Elena DID become a vamp randomly during one of the books. Then she turned back??  It was . . . very weird.

ImaginaryMen

That would be kind of awesome, actually! Talk about torturing Stefan!! GoodStefan knows how much Elena doesn’t WANT to be a vampire, but RipperStefan may just want to eat her and make her be w/ him forever!

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kjewls

This would echo nicely back to the scene we looked at last week from “Children of the Damned,” in which DAMON was trying to PUNISH Stefan, by turning Elena  . . . and, of course, to Damon’s force-feeding of Elena during “The Last Day.”  And how angsty would Stefan be, if something like that happened . . . once he comes back to himself!   Talk about guilt!

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ImaginaryMen

Damon may be the one tasked with saving her from Team Ripper.

kjewls

Since you mentioned it . . .

C.  DELENA / STELENA / KLEFAN

kjewls

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I really loved the role reversal in this portion of the promo.  Elena and Damon definitely gave off a boyfriend / girlfriend vibe, much like Stefan and Elena did in past promos.  But this time, it’s Stefan who’s going for the rough foreplay, hair pulling, and seduction of Elena to the “dark side.”  And, up until the end, she seems oddly amenable to it.  Much time has been spent by the TVD pundits on Ripper Stefan, but a slightly darker, more jaded Elena, would be fun too (I know Damon would appreciate it, for sure!)

               B. FORWOOD (A.K.A. Tyler and Caroline)

ImaginaryMen

‎ I did not see Forwood in the trailer at ALL ;-0

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kjewls

‎Remember the part with the two people up against the wall, and the boy took off the girl’s shirt?  That’s Tyler and Caroline.

I suspect, it leads into the scene we saw in the first promo, where she jumps on him in his bed.

 ImaginaryMen
Yeah, I think so – I assumed it was Damon and – somebody.

kjewls

Then, you see another shot with a girl and a boy grinding in bed together. It’s rather . . . um . . . explicit 😉 . . . more explicit than we’ve ever seen on TVD, I think.

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ImaginaryMen


How in the WORLD did you guys make out that was Forwood???   That is literally two shadows against a doorframe! Hilarious!

kjewls

But if you look closely you can see Caroline’s blonde hair, the dress she wore to the party, and the negligee from the first trailer.

It just goes to show, we see mainly what we are looking for, in these trailers.  I just can’t help but wonder whether they will tame this scene down in the actual episode.  Remember Stefan and Katherine’s tomb sex in “By the Light of the Moon?”  That was definitely pumped up to be more graphic in the previews, than it actually was in the episode.

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ImaginaryMen

Yeah, they are definitely teases.

kjewls

Yep . . .  that, and I still think it might be a dream in horny Tyler’s head.

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ImaginaryMen

‎That’s what you get when you’re racier than Twilight, but can’t be as graphic as TB . . .

(Note for a MUCH more detailed look at what’s in store for Forwood this season, check out this blog for the ULTIMATE, in T/C intelligence.  You won’t regret it, Forwood fans!  I promise you.)

kjewls

Speaking of graphic . . .

                    C. HEADLESS GIRL (AND FRIEND)

kjewls
And the award for First Decapitated Head on TVD goes too . . . That Blonde Screaming Girl Stefan Bit in the First Trailer!

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That was pretty shocking, actually. I may have squealed like a girl a little bit, when I saw that.  So, much for Stefan “not having to make a mess” with his kills . . .  (though, admittedly, her dead friend looks like a much cleaner kill.)

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If that image is any indication, we are in for a rather darkly comedic, and gory season . . . perhaps, more so than the previous two.

kjewls
‎ I like how you can piece together both trailers to get more information. We see that with the Caroline and Tyler scene, the headless girl scene, and my personal favorite, the one where Elena gets a peek at Wet Soapy Damon.  In the first clip, she just turns around, after seeing him standing there, in all his glory.

Now, we see that she turns back, and peeks through her fingers . .  . (as he FLASHES her?) . . .

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ImaginaryMen

So should we talk characters?  I’d like to start with Useless Aunt Jenna . .  Still Dead . . .

II. CAST OF CHARACTERS

       A. ALARIC SALTZMAN


 kjewls
Do you predict another love interest for Alaric, or will he stay celibate and drunk, this season?  If I were him, I’d go into the priesthood, STAT! Talk about having bad luck with the ladies . . .

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ImaginaryMen

‎ Yeah, if I lived in Mystic Falls, I’d run the other way if he came courting!

kjewls

I don’t know.  I think I could still go for some of that Alaric Chunky Monkey.

ImaginaryMen

I think he’ll get a new love interest – but not until later in the season. He needs to mourn and then take care of the Gilbert kids, and drink with Damon – of course.

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kjewls

On one hand, it’s nice that Alaric doesn’t have to be guardian of Elena and Jeremy.  This way, the two of them can spend time at La Casa de Rich and Awesome (a.k.a The Salvatore Boarding House) and each rebel, in their own way. On the other, it doesn’t really bode well for Alaric’s future as a character.  He is, once again, without a clearly defined role on the show.

“Can anybody find me somebody to love?”

ImaginaryMen

He can be Damon’s wingman.

Damon will need someone to hurl into walls.

That reminds me . . . I know we already talked about Jeremy in this post.  But I do have one more thing to say on this topic.  Can we have him be a bit LESS of a punching bag, this season, for a change?  Thanks . . .

kjewls

Damon can always hurl ME into walls .  . . among other things. 😉

I hope Alaric gets to make some more fun of Jeremy and Bonnie too.  (“Tomorrow . . . and the day after that . . . and the day after that.”)

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ImaginaryMen

Hee! I think that he’ll have roles in both Jeremy’s Witchy Girlfriends and Elena’s Stefan hunting

kjewls

Speaking of Jeremy . . . Can you say GHOST VAMP THREESOME? 😉

      B. VICKI DONOVAN, VAMPIRE ANNA, AND JEREMY GILBERT

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ImaginaryMen

YES PLEASE!!

kjewls

‎ A little birdie told me Vicki is back because she wants to ride Little Gilbert’s Littler Gilbert, if you catch my drift. 😉

And Anna is basically trying to cockblock the Ghost Sex. Normally, I DESPISE cockblocks.  But, I am actually Team Anna, where Jeremy is concerned.

ImaginaryMen

I’m Team Anyone BUT Bonnie ;-0.

ImaginaryMen

Does him having sex w/ a ghost do something bad to him, I wonder?

kjewls

Yeah . . . I wasn’t going to go there, but Little Miss Nose Bleeds A Lot is not on my favorite people list, for sure.  In fact, she’s right near Lizard Forbes on the Top of My Own Personal TVD Poopy List.

ImaginaryMen

I bet that his chemistry w/ Anna and Vicki will show what non-chemistry he has w/ Bonnie!

kjewls

That’s true. I thought Jeremy actually had pretty good chemistry with Vicki, in a drugged out, dysfunctional way.  And Damon should dance with Ghost Vicki (for old times sake, of course!)

HEY!  Maybe Ghost Vicki and Jeremy will make pottery together, and have sex near it, like in that movie, Ghost!

ImaginaryMen

Do we know if anyone else can see the Ghost Girlfriends or just Jeremy?

kjewls
Ummm, I’m wondering if Vicki will connect with Matt through Jeremy, by séance or something.  But I think, of the two of them, only Jeremy can see Vicki, since he’s “crossed over.”  In the show, Being Human only supernatural creatures could see ghosts, which would mean basically EVERYBODY, but Matt, Lizard, and Tyler’s MOM!

ImaginaryMen

I’d prefer if only Jeremy can see them .

kjewls
Yeah, I think I like that idea better, myself. It will make Jeremy seem a little crazy, Ghost Hijinks Ensue! And yet, we know BONNIE has seen Ghost Emily, and so have the Salvatore Brothers.

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So, they’d have to mess a bit with canon for only Jeremy to have Ghost Whispering Powers. Unless, of course, Vicki and Anna only WANT Jeremy to see them.

ImaginaryMen

Jeremy can see them bc he’s “died” a few times?

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kjewls

Well, I think this time, he can see them, because he ACTUALLY died.  It was different this time, because, even though he was wearing the ring, he was killed by HUMAN means (a gun, and a DUMBASS LIZARD), as opposed to supernatural ones.  So, the ring didn’t help.  Then Bonnie brought him back to life with the Power of Her Love *gags, barfs, takes deep breath, wipes face.  Speaking of Bonnie . . .

                         C. BONNIE BENNETT

ImaginaryMen

I actually loved the Ye Olde Witches basically telling Bonnie to F off in the finale – abusing their powers 24/7!

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kjewls

‎I know, Bonnie would probably ask the witches to cure her hangnail, if there was a spell for it.  And she’d get a nosebleed doing it too.

ImaginaryMen

Too bad she didn’t ask them to fix her Assy Bangs in S1 ;-0

kjewls

That was when i started disliking Bonnie I think.  Bad Bangs Bonnie. ;)‎  Then she fixed them. And I still didn’t like her.

kjewls

Speaking of Bonnie. NO LAME witch tricks this year!  No more salt moves, or feather flying, or SEX wind, or passing notes to Elena, and definitely NO MORE NOSE BLEEDS‎.

ImaginaryMen

‎No argument from me.  I would like Bonnie to be more Kick Assy and not just Assy

kjewls

Yes, I saw some potential for her to do that in the season finale.

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Perhaps, she will learn not to judge Damon anymore, now that Stefan is off being evil. And she can stop giving him headaches and setting him on fire.

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ImaginaryMen

‎ That’s true. I bet she’ll hold Stefan’s Ripper past against him BIG time. You know how judgy she is.

kjewls

‎It sucks, because the Bonnie in the books is adorable, and such a cool character. Book Bonnie is actually‎ more like Caroline in the TV series: bubbly, a little vapid, cute, sweet, etc.

kjewls

Speaking of Caroline, let’s talk about . . . her new boyfriend . . .

             D. TYLER LOCKWOOD

kjewls

Tyler’s and Caroline’s story will probably be our Romeo and Juliet storyline for the season.  “Two houses . . .  both a like in supernatural-y . . . One drinks blood .  . . the other is .  . . hairy.”

ImaginaryMen

Yes Tyler. I will be the Official Grudge Holder for biting Damon.  I just couldn’t get past his pussing out in the woods when the wolves locked up Caroline.

kjewls

Ahhh, true, but he felt “betrayed and confused.”  He didn’t know who to trust.  And he may have wondered how big of a role Caroline played in Mason’s murder.

ImaginaryMen

And then – what did he do when Stefan and Elena were at the lake house? Told their whereabouts or something?

kjewls

Worse . .  . he shot Stefan.

ImaginaryMen

RIGHT!  Ok, so there – I am holding TWO Grudges!  Nobody shoots and bites Salvatores and gets away with it!

kjewls

‎Still, you have to admit, he’s got a hot body, and better chemistry with Caroline than Matt.  That wolf transformation scene . . . so intense, and erotic.  And then that scene between them in the finale on the couch (a.k.a. Coed Naked Forwood Couch Cuddling). It was surprisingly poignant . . . at least, until Caroline took a peek at Tyler’s junk underneath the blankets. Then, it became hilarious. 🙂

ImaginaryMen

When he was freaking out about transforming and had no other werewolves to count on, I did feel bad for him.

kjewls

Right, and really, the werewolves he had to count on kind of sucked to begin with. . . except Lady Gaga’s New Boyfriend Mason.  Mason had potential.  They killed him off a bit soon, I think.

ImaginaryMen

‎ Yeah. Shirtless potential 😉

kjewls

Exactly, I wanted to see more Mason / Kat sex . . .

ImaginaryMen

He just – eh – I’ve never liked him (Tyler, I mean).  And I probably won’t ever.

                  E. CAROLINE FORBES

kjewls

How do you see her evolving?  She showed a lot of growth this season.  Turning into a vampire has made Caroline more mature, and thoughtful.  She puts others before herself, now.  And has become a vital part of the Scooby Gang.

ImaginaryMen
I liked Vampire Barbie.  I like S2 Caroline much more than S1.

kjewls

‎ But I’m not sure where else she can go from there.  She’s pretty kickass already, personality-wise.  This means she’s at risk for becoming Mary Sue-esque, if the writers don’t delineate more of her flaws throughout the season. Perhaps, they will do this, through her relationship with Tyler . .  . and to a MUCH lesser extent (*groans*) Matt.

ImaginaryMen

Well there’s the star-crossed lovers w/ Tyler, and she seems to be doing her BFF cheerleading for Elena in the promo.  I will miss her BabyVamp relationship w/ Stefan. I really enjoyed his taking care of her and guiding her. Plus they were just a wee little bit flirty sometimes!

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kjewls

They WERE good together. I wonder if that relationship will be explored further in future seasons, when Stefan’s back to himself.  Wouldn’t it be interesting if Caroline ended up being the one to influence Stefan to de Ripper?  Just as Stefan pulled her from the brink in early season.  He was the one who convinced her to dump Matt to protect him from her vampiric impulses.

ImaginaryMen

They definitely should explore their connection more

kjewls

Let’s talk about Elijah!

                F. ELIJAH (AND THE OTHER ORIGINALS)

kjewls

Elijah . . . has great hair . . . When will we get to see it again?

ImaginaryMen

SOON I hope!

ImaginaryMen

Do you think Klaus carts his family around? Or just leaves them in storage somewhere?

kjewls

Yes, I think, even if Klaus doesn’t revive him until later this season, we will still get to see him in flashbacks.

ImaginaryMen

Bc Damon and Elena won’t know Elijah is dead

kjewls

Damon and Elena will assume Elijah is still in league with Klaus.

ImaginaryMen

Well VictiMom will be happy. She luuuuurves romantic long-hair Elijah!

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kjewls

‎ Hmmm . . . I liked the short hair better.

But it will be interesting to see him interacting with the rest of his family . . . whoever they are.

ImaginaryMen

Can we talk about Klaus now?  Can we?  Can we?

kjewls

Sure!  Why not?

                      F. KLAUS

ImaginaryMen

‎ You know – Klaus didn’t technically LIE to Elijah – he did say he’d reunite them – and they’re all dead – so –

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kjewls

Yes, Klaus is a master of wordplay, for sure.  I feel like each week, Klaus should open one coffin, and introduce us to one relative, via flashback. How LOST would that be?

ImaginaryMen

‎ That would be AWESOME!

kjewls

I’m sort of kidding. But it would be cool to have big actors playing the siblings, since the roles will mainly be just cameos.

ImaginaryMen

Joseph Morgan should play all the male relatives too

kjewls

That would be really creepy, if they all looked like Klaus except Elijah . . . even the women.  Imagine Klaus in a long blonde wig and dressed in drag.

ImaginaryMen

‎HA! I said all the MALE relatives . . except Elijah.  Anyway – in the flashbacks I hope we get to see more of the Klaus/Elijah brother relationship.

kjewls

Yes, I think there’s a lot more intrigue, there . . . like . . . Why were they alone together in 1492?  I’d also like to see them interact with their dad . . . well, Elijah’s dad  . . . Klaus’ stepdad, I guess.

ImaginaryMen

‎Don’t forget his trampy mom!  BTW – if is real name is Nicklaus -I wish we could call him Nick instead of Klaus!

 kjewls

Exactly! It was just Klaus in the books.  So, I guess they felt wedded to that. Perhaps, they are trying to segway over to “Nick.”  Kind of like Alaric, gradually became “Ric.”

ImaginaryMen

So – do we think Klaus’ “decade” is arbitrary? Or he has some specific plan that will take 10 years?

kjewls

My impression was always that Klaus assumed that Stefan would be so taken over by bloodlust, he’d willingly go along with Klaus, long before the ten years were up.

ImaginaryMen

Since Klaus is such an epic planner – what with his fake curses and his thousand year attempt to transform – I believe he wants Stefan for 10 years for a very specific purpose.

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kjewls

I hope we find out Klaus’ plan relatively early in the season.  I thought the whole “moonstone” bit was dragged out a bit too long, last season.

                     G. KATHERINE PETROVA

ImaginaryMen

Well, part of Klaus’ plan is to catch up to Katherine again.

kjewls

Klaus will get Stefan to locate Katherine, on his behalf.

ImaginaryMen

that’s probably when we’ll see her again

kjewls

I hope bad Stefan and bad Katherine hook up.

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ImaginaryMen

that would be hot

kjewls

‎ I’ve been watching lots of Katherine clips for my upcoming Kat post, and I’ve come to the conclusion that, in her own twisted way, she really does love Stefan.

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ImaginaryMen

I believe that.  But what about her doppelganger, Elena?

                 H. ELENA GILBERT

kjewls

I’m hoping for an edgier, tougher, Elena, this season.

ImaginaryMen

Lots of Ponytail Elena!

kjewls

‎ She’s been through the ringer of life.  It wouldn’t be realistic for her to go through all she went through, and not be a bit more jaded and cynical.

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ImaginaryMen

I think we’ve seen it in her insistence on doing things w/ Klaus and Elijah her way. So now without Stefan to balance her out, and the various tensions w/ Damon – we’ll see more of that attitude coming from her.

kjewls

The guy she thought was the love of her life GAVE HER UP.  He chose his brother over her.  She’s a little pissed off.

ImaginaryMen

Really what we have here is both Damon and Elena stuck w/ choices that Stefan made FOR them.

                    I. DAMON SALVATORE

kjewls

‎ Right . . . I think Damon is a bit resentful of his situation. I mean he’s going to have blue balls all the time.  Here he is with this girl he loves and he CANT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

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ImaginaryMen

And he’s a guest – in his own house@

kjewls

I mean, it’s always been that way for him, but now, there’s no easy “She’s with STEFAN,” explaination, so it’s even harder.   Plus, she’s always hanging out by his bed . . . taunting him

ImaginaryMen

ha! She really spends quite a bit of time in there. Speaking of his bed, what do you think that scrapbook things he’s poring over in the promos is?

kjewls

Hmmmm . . . maybe a diary of some sort, from John Gilbert, or Emily.  Wait.  Maybe it’s STEFAN’S DIARIES!  You know, I’ve always enjoyed Elena and Damon’s flirtatious banter, just as much as their angsty convos.  So, I hope we get to see a lot of Damon and Elena just teasing eachother, flirting, and being “friendly” with one another.  Of course, the sexual tension will eventually take over inevitably 😉

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ImaginaryMen

I thought when the season ended that Damon would totally be up for The Search when S3 started.  But from the first promo – it seems like he’s resigned. It’s like being related to an addict – you know what to expect so you just prepare yourself for the worst – if you let yourself get dragged into it again – you’ll just be disappointed.

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ImaginaryMen

It changes up a LOT of how we’ve been led to believe the Salvatores interacted, over the last decades.

kjewls

I think Damon DOES want to rescue Stefan.  But he doesn’t want to put Elena in danger too‎.  I mean, he spent all season protecting her from Klaus, and now here she is determined to run after Klaus again.

ImaginaryMen

that’s true!

kjewls

‎ Yep, so Damon’s worried for Elena.

He’s worried about his brother.  He’s really horny.

He’s forced to play hero when he’d much rather be spending his time dancing on the rafters to Depeche Mode cover bands, having great sex and de-hearting people.  It’s hard being Damon, in Season 3.

ImaginaryMen

On top of the Elena problems – he loves his brother and doesn’t know where he is.

kjewls

Right. That’s why i think Damon just APPEARS resigned to Elena . . . Meanwhile, he’s plotting with Alaric to go on a rescue mission on his own.  But of course, Elena will wrangle her way into the plan and . . . ROAD TRIP

ImaginaryMen

‎ Oooh that could be! And she’d HATE being left out on that!

kjewls

Right, so that will cause a big sexually tense fight between Elena and Damon, when she finds out he’s been lying to her, and essentially coddling her, like Stefan sometimes did.

ImaginaryMen

Will Damon be a Knight in Shining Armor? Bc if he’s going to get Stefan, he has to know that he’s bringing him back – to Elena.

kjewls

‎ You know, we dealt with that question a bit when Stefan was locked in the tomb.  And because he got out relatively quickly, it was never really addressed.  It will be interesting to actually see it play out here . . . during that episode Stefan told Damon to “look out for Elena”

ImaginaryMen

‎ True. That was a great scene w/ them screaming at each other and Stefan listening, and Katherine’s “you just made a big mistake”

kjewls

I think those words will echo in Stefan’s head.

ImaginaryMen

‎ Didn’t Stefan watch “Dawson’s Creek”??!!

kjewls

And I’m thinking that the thing that sets Stefan off into true Ripperdom will be something that he sees happening between Damon and Elena.

                         J. STEFAN SALVATORE

ImaginaryMen

Well, Stefan knows that Damon will do whatever it takes to protect Elena

kjewls

Yes, “he’s the one who will keep her alive.”  And the martyr part of Stefan will say that this is what is best for Elena.  After all, he’s not safe for her anymore.  And he will want to keep her away from Klaus, as a result  Yet, the darker part of him will be incredibly jealous and want revenge.

ImaginaryMen

I think that what will set him into Total Ripperdom won’t be seeing some sexual tension moment b/w them, it will be seeing that she’s safe w/ him and that he can go bc when it comes down to it – Damon will keep her safe from HIM.

ImaginaryMen

And Klaus will probably stoke that – bc he’s evil

kjewls

‎ Ooh, that would be interesting!  Like a showdown between the four, where Damon protects Elena from Klaus.

ImaginaryMen

He can use it as ammo to bait/taunt/torment Stefan.

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kjewls

And perhaps Klaus lets him, for that exact reason, just as Katherine did when she was in the tomb with Stefan.  Both will basically tell him,”You know what’s going on out there, might as well have fun in here”

ImaginaryMen

Yes, Klaus knows ALL about brother dynamics and love triangles!

ImaginaryMen

‎ So they’re saying that at first Stefan isn’t willing – then he goes all out Ripper?

kjewls

Yep, he’s half-hearted about it.  However, something happens around episode 3 or 4 that allows him to really enjoy being a Ripper.

ImaginaryMen

and once he starts enjoying it – I want to know will he WANT to come back?. I have this image of Delena finding him and rescuing him and him rejecting them!

kjewls

And CAN he?  I mean, even if there is a bit of humanity left in Stefan, he has to realize that his bloodlust makes him unsafe for Elena.  It’s part of why he tried to kill himself in “Blood Brothers.”

ImaginaryMen

There’s no doubt that Stefan is expendable to Klaus. He has “big plans” for him, but if he becomes a liability – he won’t think twice about killing him or whatever

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kjewls

Not that the WRITERS would ever kill Stefan.‎ That’s kind of the catch 22 of any series. We know that Damon Stefan and Elena will always be safe.  So, when they are in danger it’s kind of meh.  This is not to say Elena’s “death” in “The Sun also Rises” and Damon’s almost death in “As I Lay Dying” weren’t emotional and intense.  They just weren’t frightening.

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ImaginaryMen

which makes this storyline fun – Stefan can’t die – but can he change into someone irredeemable?

kjewls

‎ Hmmm . . . I kind of hope not, actually.   I like my characters with shades of grey. To me, Ripper Stefan was most compelling in “Miss Mystic Falls” when you saw the internal struggle going on inside of him.  Same with Damon and Katherine, their humanity made their villainy more compelling, once we actually got to see it.  The flashback from “The Dinner Party” was a bit too cartoonesque, for my taste.

ImaginaryMen

I think it will be fun to watch, if S1 Bloodaholic Stefan was any indicator

kjewls

Well, at least we know he’s going to behead some random chick, early on in the season.  So, it’s not like Stefan’s going to be all mopey and moody, all the time.  He’ll definitely be bad.  I just hope he looks in the mirror when he’s done and shows a bit of remorse, even if it’s only for a second . . .

Oh, and on a final note.  One request for Kevin Williamson and Julie Plec . . . MORE SHIRTLESSNESS PLEASE!

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(Thank you, in advance for your expected cooperation in this important matter.)

And that’s all we wrote folks!  Be sure to tune in when Amy and I, along with my favorite Forwood-ite, Cherie, of SpideySense will be liveblogging the season premiere on September 15th at 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.  More details on how you can participate in that liveblogging event, later this week.  Until then, enjoy your weekend, folks.  And, as always, Happy TVD-obsessing!

[www.juliekushner.com][FangirlsForever]

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Filed under Live Blogging Event, The Vampire Diaries

When the Going Gets Tough (the Tough Get Tortured)- A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Crying Wolf”

Poor Damon!  This was really NOT your episode, was it?  NO Sexy Shirtless Bathtime Fun, NO scenes with ELENA, TOTALLY SHOWED UP by Vampire Elijah, and FORCED to be the Masochist in some Random Werewolf’s Creepy S&M Fantasy.  Methinks SOMEONE needs a hug, BIGTIME!

Well this was a rather eventful episode, wasn’t it?  Here’s just a quick rundown of SOME of the things that happened on TVD this week: Salvatore Brothers and witches got tortured; werewolves got their hearts ripped out; we started to HATE Tyler; we began to LOVE Tyler again, and then he LEFT  Elijah OWNED us all; and Jeremy and Bonnie started swapping spit. 

Whew!  Just thinking about it, makes me all tired and sweaty . . .  In fact, you know what I need now?  A SHOWER!

And THAT was the unnatural and manipulative way I managed to work Naked Damon into this recap . . . Any questions?

Prepare to have your hearts ripped out TVD fans.   Because this recap is about to begin  . . .

And then there were THREE . . .

It’s fitting that this episode was entitled “Crying Wolf” because most of those EVIL VAMPIRE-TORTURING WEREWOLVES finally friggin died!  GOOD RIDDENS! After all, the hour’s opening moments featured Soul Crusher Jules and Wereoaf Brady tearfully preparing to BURN their dead, after last week’s Were/Vamp/Witch Showdown.  Then THIS GUY appears literally out of no where .  . .

And he just starts babbling on . . . and ON .  .. and ON, as if we are automatically supposed to know who the f*&k he is, but we DON’T.  We don’t really care who he is either.  Because he’s a WEREWOLF, who is not Tyler, which, by definition, means he SUCKS ASS.  Nevertheless, Random Dude played an important enough part in this episode that I am unfortunately required give him a name.  So, I will: Weredork.

Anyway, Weredork helpfully informs Soul Crusher Jules and Wereoaf Brady that, since Mason was hanging out with Vampire Katherine before he croaked, and seemed intent on finding the Moonstone, one can deduce that: (1) Team Salvatore jacked the Moonstone, after murdering Mason; and (2) they are currently collecting all the ingredients they need to break the Moonstone Curse.  As loyal  TVD fans, we know that Weredorks assessment of Team Salvatore is only half-true.  But, for now, we are willing to go with it, anyway (if only so Weredork will finally shut the hell up) . . .

Wereoaf Brady responds to this new discovery, by saying, in his typical overly simplistic Comic Book Villain way, “We can’t let that happen, even if we have to kill EVERY LAST VAMPIRE . . .”

[Insert Cheesy Maniacal Laugh Here]

(Coincidentally, here are some OTHER things Wereoaf Brady would view as justification to “KILL EVERY LAST VAMPIRE:”  (1) A vampire stole his girlfriend; (2) a vampire THOUGHT about stealing his girlfriend; (3) a vampire stole his Cocoa Puffs (Thereby, driving him cuckoo.); (4) a vampire has a better Maniacal Laugh than he does; (5) a vampire has more hair than he does . . .)

From the Dog Poo-Covered Forest of the Were People, we are then transported to a much Kinder, Gentler Locale, namely Vampire Barbie’s Dream House, where Vampire Barbie, herself, is cuddled up in bed with BOTH Elena and the Witchy Bonnie.  (Male Fantasy, much?)

“Hello, LADIES!  Got room for one more?”

The phone rings.  And Elena literally falls out of her bed and onto her rump, trying to answer it.  And all I can say, is that I WISH someone had a GIF of this moment that I can share with you.  Because, to me, anyway, watching Ridiculously Attractive People Fall Down (provided nobody gets seriously hurt, of course) is ALWAYS funny.

Oooh . . . wait . . . nevermind!  I just found one!

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Not surprisingly, Elena’s Gentleman Caller just so happens to be Stefan.  (CLEARLY, this vampire has never learned the “Don’t Call a Girl’s House Before 10 a.m. on Weekends, Because She Needs Her Beauty Sleep” Rule.)  Fortunately, for Stefan though, Elena doesn’t seem to mind being woken up too much . . .

Is it just me, or does the above screencap look EXACTLY like one of those Love Line ads they air on television at 3 a.m?  You know . . . the ones that promise Very Lonely Men that if they “CALL NOW, for only a $1.95 a minute, they can have phone sex with Criminally Underage Females?”

Speaking of Sex Lines, as far as Phone Sex Operators go, Elena would a be a NATURAL!  Observe the kittenish, and almost nauseatingly flirtatious, way in which she tells Stefan she wants to “have a Slumber Party with him,” and convinces him to drop everything, for an impromptu weekend getaway at her family’s lakehouse.  Fortunately for Stefan, he’s been around long enough to recognize an Opportunity for Lots of Sex when he sees one.  And so, he instantly accepts his girlfriend’s invitation.

“Who’s your Pimp Daddy?  Awww yeah, it’s ME!”

Speaking of BIG PIMPS . . .

Mama’s Got a Brand New Scarf . . .

Woah . . . Alaric looks REALLY jealous . . . of Andie!

Those of you who watched last week’s installment of TVD (and, seriously, how could you NOT HAVE?  It was SO AWESOME!), know that it ended with a Wet and Soapy Damon getting hot and heavy with a certain “Action News” reporter . . .

Well, it turns out she spent the night with Damon at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  (Sorry LADIES!)  The next morning, (just like Damon’s LAST Sex Toy, Caroline) we find Andie sporting a telltale new scarf around her undoubtedly vampire Hickey-covered neck, and cheerfully obeying every Damon’s every command.  Before she leaves, Andie helpfully informs Damon that Elijah will be hosting a Historical Society Event in town.  Damon’s curiousity is piqued by this information, because he has a TOTAL Man Crush on Elijah.  (Can you blame him?)

Then, Damon catches Andie at the door, and pulls her into his hypnotic gaze, “You are falling hard [for me],” he commands.  (Not that he NEEDS to do this, mind you, given who he is, and WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE NAKED).

“You may be the one,” a Tranced Out Andie agrees before exiting .

By the way, Delena fans will proudly note that Damon clearly COULD HAVE used this trick on Elena,  back during “Rose,” when he first confessed his love for her.  He DIDN’T, of course, because he DOES LOVE HER, and wants what they have together to remain REAL and PURE.  (Regarding My Favorite TVD Scene EVER, we sort of get to revisit it, later in this episode.  But not exactly in the way you might think  . . .)

It’s Time for a Little Bromance!

Speaking of people who are not-so-secretly in love with Damon (See what I did there? ;)), his Bromantic Buddy, Alaric, is waiting in the wings for Andie to leave, so that the pair can engage in a much-needed Team Bad Ass Reunion . .

The two immediately begin gossiping like school girls, with Damon noting how “excited” he is to crash Elijah’s Historical Society Tea Party.  “Oooh!  What are you going to wear?”  Alaric coos excitedly, secretly hoping that Damon has decided to wear nothing at all . . . You’re not planning to KILL Elijah at his own Tea Party, are you [ because that would just be RUDE]?”  Alaric, ever the Master of Decorum, inquires with concern.

“No . . . but I think it’s time we met,” Damon replies.

Ummm .  . . Damon, haven’t you ALREADY met Elijah?  (And by “met” I mean,  “staked his ass once.  Then, a few episodes later, watched in horror, as he ripped the hearts out of two vampires at once, with the same ease, and lack of concern, with which most people take peanut butter out of the pantry.”)

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That’s right!  You BETTER BOW DOWN!

Surprisingly, Damon actually DOES want to hook up with talk to Elijah, BEFORE he kills him.  Specifically, Damon hopes that Elijah will let him in on his TRUE intentions regarding Elena.  But, considering Elijah, is NOT THAT DUMB, it’s probably a good thing that Caroline, Bonnie and Jeremy have a MUCH STUPIDER subject from whom this information can be obtained, namely, Luka the Puke-a!

She put a spell on YOU!

That’s right, Boys and Girls!  Luka (a.k.a. Wind Orgasm Guy) . . .

 . . . knows what Elijah’s been hiding!  (Him and Big Bad Warlock, Papa Jonas, are in cahoots with the guy, after all.)  And, unlike Elijah, Luka’s not smart enough to keep all this a secret from his nemeses . . .

A Warning to Jeremy:  Do NOT F*&K with BONNIE BENNETT!  When her boyfriends screw her over, she gets revenge, BIG TIME.  And, judging by what she did to Luka this week, if you screw this up, headaches are going to be the LEAST of your problems, Mini Gilbert!

“Is it too late to un-cancel my subscription to Match.com?”

While Caroline and Jeremy look on, with a mixture of awe, and horror, Bonnie pretty much singlehandedly (1) lures Luka into her Witchy Web . . .

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 . . . (2) mind-f*&ks him into unconsciousness; (3) drags him back to her house; (4) makes him have a REALLY PAINFUL LOOKING seizure  (Then again . . . is there really any other kind of seizure, besides a REALLY PAINFUL ONE?)

. . . (5) puts him in a trance . . .

. . . (6) gets him to reveal information about Elijah that’s ALMOST DEFINITELY going to get him murdered; (7) and then makes him forget the whole incident ever happened . . .

Enjoy your blissful ignorance while it lasts, Luka!  Because once Elijah finds out what you told Bonnie, trance or no trance, the only “more screentime” you will be getting is a not-particularly-well-attended funeral!

What we learn from Luka through this, admittedly immoral, interrogation process, is the following:  (By the way, forgive me for the extensive use of LISTS in this recap.  It just seems kind of necessary, given everything we’ve learned this week.) : (1) Elijah’s ULTIMATE plan is to kill Santa Klaus . . .

(2) Since Santa Klaus is OLD AS F*&K, the only way to KILL HIM is to make him vulnerable.  And the only way to make him VULNERABLE, is to perform the Moonstone Sacrifice.  After THAT sacrifice is performed, Klaus will be temporarily weakened.  And Elijah can go in for the kill. 

(3) In order for this to happen, Elena must DIE . . .

(4) Finally, not that we actually CARE, but Jonas and Luka are working with Elijah, because he promised to release Luka’s sister from Santa Klaus’ clutches, if they agreed to give the BAD ASS MO FO a helping hand.

Mind Rape of Luka completed, Bonnie promptly calls Damon to share this information with HIM, who, in turn calls Stefan.  (It’s like PLAYING TELEPHONE!)  Then, the Little Witch turns her attention to Mini Gilbert, whose been giving the girl Puppy Dog Eyes the WHOLE NIGHT!

“Roof-Roof, Bow-Wow”

Bonnie soon launches into another one of her ENDLESS TIRADES about why she can’t be with Jeremy.  “I’ve known you forever,” explains Bonnie matter-of-factly.  “I’ve seen you through your Awkward Phase . . .

 . . . your Emo Phase . . .

 . . . and your Druggie Phase . . .”

(Ummm . . . yeah Bonnie?  Don’t act like your so special.  We’ve seen all those “phases” too.  They happened over the course of about five episodes . . .)

“But now, you’ve turned into this HOT GUY, who’s really sweet,” Bonnie concludes.

Mini Gilbert may be a bit younger than the rest of his Scooby Crew.  But he’s NO DUMMY!  He knows an INVITATION when he sees one.  And so he pulls his Witchy Woman in close for a Big Juicy Wet One . . .

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I’m happy for your Mini Gilbert.  Really, I am.  But, like I said earlier, just do yourself a BIG favor, and DON’T MAKE HER ANGRY!

Because if you do, you may not live to regret it.

Speaking of people you REALLY shouldn’t mess with . . .

Damon Gets Pinned to the Wall (and not in a good way) . . .

So, I mentioned earlier, that Damon was headed to a little Tea Party to have a little meeting with the Big Bad Elijah.  Needless to say,  it doesn’t go well . . .

Elijah thinks Damon should KNOW HIS ROLE (i.e. protect Elena, and otherwise, BUTT OUT!)  “The moment you cease to be of use to me, you are dead.  So, you should do what I say,” threatens Elijah.

Not typically one to do what he’s told, Damon is not cool with this . . . AT ALL . . .  But he gets a bit cooler with it, after Elijah shoves him in to a wall, and sticks a pencil in his neck .  . .  OUCH!

Needless to say, it’s been a rough day for Damon, and he’s VERY MUCH looking forward to a nice relaxing evening spent having sex withgossiping with Alaric about his new girlfriend, and Elijah’s awesome hair.  Unfortunately, Damon can’t relax long, because he has WERE-Company . . .

Before Damon can say, “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf,” Alaric has been shot, and is playing dead.  (Don’t forget, dude’s got the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality on his side!)

“Jewelry is a man’s best friend!”

. . . and Damon himself has been made into a Sex Museum Exhibit, by Jules, the Weredork , and some soon-to-be-dead Were-extras . . .

Having been on the OTHER SIDE of this situation not so long ago, Damon can’t help but note the irony of it all . . .

But then ELIJAH THE AWESOME ARRIVES!  Once at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elijah begins doing what he does best, i.e. ripping  the hearts out of random pesky supernatural creatures (like Weredork), and assorted TVD extras, who are not playing nice with his new Man Friend, Damon . . .

Needless to say, this is the third time Elijah has spared / saved Damon’s life in furtherance of the promise he made to Elena back during Episode 10.  Understandably, Damon is impressed and more than a bit turned on.

Unfortunately, however, Soul Crusher Jules got away, before Elijah had the chance to literally RIP HER A NEW ONE . . .

“Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah, I still have my [non-functioning and black as coal] heart!”

(Elijah always did seem to have a bit of a soft spot, for the LADIES, if you know what I mean . . .)

But aside from THAT major (not to mention highly plot convenient) misstep, on Elijah’s part, most of the pesky were-losers are now dead, Alaric is OK, Damon is safe, sound, and has a brand new role model, and everyone (involved this plotline, at least) can, for now, live happily ever after . . .

Well . . . except for Useless Aunt Jenna . . .

  . . .  who thinks her boyfriend, Alaric, stood her up because he was “grading papers and fell asleep; and can’t understand why she’s stuck living in such a BORING TOWN! 😉

Meanwhile, over at the Lakehouse . . .

 Ding Dong the Wereoaf’s Dead (and Tyler’s regretful, and Elena’s got some ‘splaining to do)

While Elena waxes poetic about her long-term future with Stefan (in a scene which is a bit snoozy, and nauseatingly Twilight-esque, but actually ends up being REALLY important . . .) . . . the EEEVVILL WEREWOLVES are plotting to ensure that the Happy Couple’s IMMEDIATE future will SUCK royally  . . .

Tyler has just arrived at the Were-house.  So, Weredork decides to fill him in on the whole “Moonstone Curse” thing . . .

“I know what you are thinking.  You are thinking that my whole purpose in this episode is to impart all the BORING, but important, information that the characters and you need to know to understand what’s going on here.  Then, I have to DIE fast, before my presence becomes too tiresome to TVD fans, predisposed to hate my guts.  But, actually . . . no . . . come to think of it . . . that’s exactly right.”

Weredork dully explains to Tyler how the Moonstone Curse restricts vampires from walking in daylight (unless, of course, they have Sunscreen Rings),  and forces werewolves to change during the full moon.  If the vampires break the curse, they can walk around outside anytime they want (which, most of them can do ANYWAY, due to Sunscreen Rings).  But, if WEREWOLVES break the curse, they can turn at will, and don’t HAVE to transform, during the Full Moon.  This of course, means they don’t have to turn AT ALL, if they choose not to do so.

Tyler likes this idea, VERY MUCH!  Gee, I wonder why?

Weredork also explains to Tyler that the Petrova Doppelganger, who LOOKS like Mason’s ex girlfriend Katherine, is NEEDED to break the curse.  (Of course, he carefully leaves out WHY she’s needed, and what she would have to do to actually break it.)  An-Eager-to-Please Tyler douchebaggily helpfully points out that ELENA is the Petrova Doppelganger, after seeing a picture of her look-a-like Katherine.  Tyler even goes as far as to offer to help find his so-called “friend.”

Tyler does this, by bumping into Caroline at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  He then pretend  to try to apologize to her again for standing around and doing NOTHING, like a TOTAL jackass, last week, while she was getting TORTURED by his Were-Loser Friends.  Needless to say, Tyler’s lame APOLOGY fails miserably.  But THIS doesn’t . . .

Source

*cough a$$hole cough*

Of course, like many of you, I don’t initially notice Tyler surreptitiously putting Caroline’s cellphone in his butt pocket, after he accidentally / on purpose bumps into her.  (People can itchy back there, sometimes, you know?)  So, when Elena gets a text from “Caroline” asking to talk, and she replies that she’s headed to the Lakehouse, I think that text is REALLY from Caroline. 

So, when  the camera paned up from the phone to EVIL TYLER, wearing a Cat Who Ate the Canary expression on his face . . .

SMUG BASTARD!

  .  . . I may or may not have thrown a pillow (or ten) at the television screen . . .

Just sayin . . .

Meanwhile, Stefan and Elena are at the Lakehouse, enjoying their time together, by HAVING SEX exploring their surroundings. (Seriously?  Because if it was DAMON, you just know they’d be HAVING SEX!)  After all, Elena hasn’t visited the Lakehouse, since her parents died.  And there  is much teary-eyed reminiscing to be done.  That being said, there are SOME things in your childhood vacation home that you shouldn’t go searching for, when your boyfriend is in town . . .

The Awkward Moment when your Vampire Boyfriend finds your Parents’ Secret Vampire Slayer Weapons Stash . . .

But before Elena even has the chance to come up with a convincing lie as to what these “tools” were used for (“Ummmm, my parents were REALLY Aggressive Gardeners?”), Stefan and Elena learn that they are not-so-much alone in the Lakehouse.  Then, THIS happens . . .

Source

To add insult to injury, Tyler is there too, looking particularly menacing (and, regrettably, very hot).

On the ground, and writhing in pain, Stefan begs Tyler for help.  “We don’t want to break the Moonstone Curse,” Stefan pleads to his “friend.”

“But I DO,” replies Tyler, before shooting him in the leg. (Oooh, Steffy!  Bet you didn’t see that one coming, did you?)

While Tyler continues to hold Stefan at gunpoint, Wereoaf Brady chases Elena around the Lakehouse, saying creepy things to her like, “I can smell you.”  (Is it just me, or does Elena get chased around houses by psychos, EVERY SINGLE EPISODE?)

“Awwww, man, NOT AGAIN!  This kickass boots I’m wearing are simply not made for running stairs.”

Fortunately, for Elena, she manages to incapacitate Wereoaf Brady, long enough for a now-conscious Stefan to rip out his heart, Elijah Style (Am I spotting a new- trend here?)

Hey, Elena . . . guess what we’re having for dinner tonight?  I hear it tastes JUST LIKE CHICKEN!”

(By the way, is it just me, or do the “hearts” on this show always seem to resemble hand grenades?  Maybe that is supposed to be “symbolic” or something . . .)

Nice knowin’ ya, Wereoaf Brady!  That’s what ya get, for Screwing with Vampire Barbie!

Stefan briefly contemplates de-hearting Tyler too.  But, ultimately, he decides against it.  Instead, the Younger Salvatore informs the Temporary Villain that this Moonstone Curse he seems so intent on breaking, requires Elena to DIE, in order for him to accomplish it. 

“I’m sorry Elena.  I didn’t know what they were going to do to you.  I just didn’t want to be like this anymore,” Tyler mumbles guiltily.

Too little, too late?  I’d say so, if I was Elena.  But our girl, Gilbert, has a heart of PURE GOLD.  And she responds to Tyler’s admittedly inadequate apology for breaking into her dead parents’ home, SHOOTING HER BOYFRIEND, and stalking her with a Were-oaf, by offering him up one of her trademark hugs . . .

Source

Hugs by Elena:  They can turn even the baddest of boys, GOOD!  Just ask THIS GUY!

Wonder of wonders, Elena’s Magic Hug does seem to do it’s job on Tyler.  Toward the end of the episode, our favorite Teen Wolf once again heads to the Scene of the Phone-Stealing Crime (Seriously, I hope he RETURNED that!  Caroline seems like a gal who REALLY likes her phone).   Once again, he confronts Matt, with whom he had “words” earlier on in the episode . . .

Source

Apparently, Clueless Matt is FINALLY getting tired of being lied to.  He also realizes that Tyler and Caroline are obviously in love are the ones doing most of the lying to him.  Understandably, it pisses him off.  Tyler, who recognizes this, comes clean to Matt, by saying the SWEETEST PRO-FORWOOD SPEECH IMAGINABLE!

And here it is:

“I’ve been going through a rough time, something I can’t really talk about. And Caroline’s been helping me through it. She’s been there for me, more than anyone’s ever been there my entire life. And I kinda fell for her. I don’t know how anyone wouldn’t because she’s pretty incredible. She loves you, and she needs you. And to be honest, she deserves someone like you, so you be good to her. Okay?”

You can watch the scene, in all it’s Forwoody Awesomness, here:

Honestly?  I know it doesn’t take back his pansy-assedness of last week, or his douchiness of this one.  And yet, Tyler’s speech to Matt, which SO OBVIOUSLY came out of the Damon Salvatore: Bad Boy Pining and Self-Sacrificing for Dummies Handbook, by the way,  (Watch that FABULOUS scene from “Rose” again, and compare, if you don’t believe me!).

“I know, I’m awesome!”

 . . . had the impact of giving me TOTAL amnesia of all of Tyler’s bad acts, and only leaving me with THIS . . .

Oh, yeah!  I’m THAT easy!

And, BECAUSE, af ter a brief hiatus, I am now totally on Team Tyler again, I found the end of the episode, in which Tyler visits Caroline secretly, one last time . . .

 . . . leaves his own mother a Dear John note . . .

 . . . and escapes to Lord Knows Where, but definitely away from Mystic Falls, with Soul Crusher Jules . . .

 . . . so incredibly hearbreaking.

Not that I don’t think that Tyler will be BACK, or anything.  Because he TOTALLY WILL!  The question is, however  . . . will Caroline be waiting for him, when he returns . . .

*Sigh* MAN, I hope so!  Because this . . .

 . . . is not something you can just throw away!

Did I mention that, when Stefan learns Elijah’s true intentions from Damon, and confronts Elena about how her “friend” basically wants her to DIE, she says that ALREADY KNOWS, AND DOESN”T GIVE TWO SH*TS?

Contrary to what we might have assumed, Elijah did NOT trick Elena into thinking he was going to save her, when he had no intention of doing so.  Rather, Elena VOLUNTARILY agreed to sacrifice her life, so that Elijah would spare the lives of the people she loves (LIKE DAMON!).  Stefan, of course, is so TOTALLY not cool with the idea of his girlfriend playing martyr . . .

He’s also kind of pissed at her for saying that the two had a “LONG FUTURE” ahead of them (back when she was trying to get into his pants, earlier on in the trip), when she knew all along that it wasn’t the case.  (See? I told you that sappy Stelena scene at the beginning of the episode would be important!)

And yet, watching this exchange, I found myself only thinking of ONE thing:  What’s DAMON going to do, when he finds out about Elena’s Quest for Martyrdom?  Because, you KNOW Damon’s going to have some sort of a plan to save his Lady Love!

Personally?   I’m hoping it involves him showing up in Elena’s bedroom naked, and COMPELLING her to want to stay alive, using body parts other than his eyes, if you catch my drift.  Of course, that’s just me .  . .

And that’s all I’ve got, Fangbangers!  As for next week’s TVD installment, “The Dinner Party” you can check out the Extended Promo here:

Dinner party hijinks?  Elijah being awesome?  Damon snarking at everyone?  A petulant Katherine?  The return of DARK STEFAN?  Am I the only one wishing it was Thursday, already?

See ya, then!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Rumble at the Were-House – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Daddy Issues”

Let’s Get Ready to RUMBLE! 

So, not only did this week’s installment of The Vampire Diaries offer us a Supernatural Battle Royale of EPIC Proportions  (Eat your HEARTS out, Twilight and True Blood!), it also provided a whole BOATLOAD of Gushy Relationship Stuff, sure to appease your inner fangirl, no matter WHO your favorite TVD Couple might be *cough Delena and Forwood cough*  Not to mention, there was WAY more Naked Damon Salvatore in this hour than you could shake a stick at (not that anyone would want to . . . shake sticks at him, I mean.)

Ladies, there is PLENTY more where this came from . . .

See, Damon . . . I know you had kind of a rough go of it last week . . . with all those “tears” and “feelings” and “stuff.”  But even YOU’VE got to admit, things are WAY better in Mystic Falls without Man-Stealer Rabid Rose to kill your buzz, aren’t they?

Harsh, but true, Girlfriend!

See?  I knew eventually you’d come to see things, my way!

Honestly, this episode put me in SUCH a good mood, that I’m not even particularly bothered by Damon’s new Sex Toy, Andie . . . yet.

I’ve got two words for you, New Girl:  Thin . . . Ice.

So, what are we waiting for, Fangbangers?   Let’s get DIRTY and NAKED, with our “Daddy Issues!”  And then, if we’re REAL good, Damon promises to help us “lather up and clean off” by the episode’s end!  Sound like a plan?

A Lot of People Died Last Week . . . Hey . . . wait . . . is that Naked Damon?

It’s morning in Mystic Falls.  Everyone’s got their eye on the morning news, and a re waiting for the Daily Traffic and Weather Report.  Here’s the scoop on both . . . Mystic Falls is about to get WAY more crowded, not to mention a whole lot WETTER . . .

*sigh*

Those of you who have always wondered about the sheer quantity of Senseless Deaths in Mystic Falls, and whether anyone in the godforsaken town ever cared to notice them, got your answer this week.  Yes, the townsfolk do seem to notice.  That’s why last week’s ENTIRE bloody body count made it into the town’s local TV news, within the first few minutes of the episode.  It’s also why Mystic Falls’ Random Event of the Week this week was . . . you guessed it . . . a Memorial Service.

And honestly, I’d like to tell you a bit more about it, such as where to send flowers, and where all the funerals will be held.  The problem is, I missed the end of the news broadcast, because I got a bit . . .  distracted.

Hey . . . wait, isn’t that Damon’s new Sex Toy, Andie on the TV Screen?

(These Orgasmic GIFs have been brought to you by, The Vampire Diaries Tumblr)

Ummmm . . . yeah . . . where was I again?

Oh yeah, Lots of Dead People . . . Town in Peril .  . . Carnage . . . Werewolves .  . . which reminds me . . .

Tyler and Caroline DO IT on top of her car . . . But “IT” isn’t quite what we were hoping for . . .

So, remember last week, when us Forwood (i.e. Caroline and Tyler) fans, got all our little panties up in a bunch, because a certain Romantic Automobile Scene from the promos was suspiciously absent from the episode?

And then, as we were sharpening our pitchforks, ready to give the writers a real piece of our minds, THIS happened, and all was magically forgiven . . .

Well, as promised, Tyler DID manage to get Caroline up on the hood of her car this week . . . just not in the way we wanted him to . . .

“Fooled ya, didn’t I, Forwood Fans?”

If you recall, last week, Jules the Werewolf Soul Crusher revealed to Tyler in the final moments of the episode that his Vampire Barbie might not be quite the Little Angel he always assumed she was.  To give you a better idea of the effect this probably had on Tyler, try to remember how you felt the first time you learned that Santa Claus wasn’t real . . .

Sorry, if I spoiled that for you, kiddies!  But Soul Crusher and I do sort of/ kind of share a first name.  So, what did you expect?

Given what we saw at the end of “The Descent” and the little snippets of the episode to which we were treated in the promos, we pretty much knew that Tyler wasn’t going to be too happy with his Gal Friday, when he saw her again this week.  What we might not have banked on, however, was that Poor Caroline would be so blissfully unaware of her Favorite Werewolf Pal’s sudden change in mood . . .

(While I would LOVE to take credit for this Fabulous Photographic Manipulation, it was actually created, believe it or not, by Matt Davis, a.k.a Alaric Saltzman, and given to me as a “gift” by my fabulous Blogger Pal, Cherie . . .)

So, here we have Caroline, still floating on Cloud Nine, after that AMAZING Kiss she shared with Tyler last week, when she steps out onto her front porch, and finds the Man with the Marvelous Tongue, himself, waiting for her there, once again.  “We need to talk,” says Tyler, his intense eyes piercing Caroline’s soul, as his oh-so-familiar words, send her spiraling upward into an ecstatic high that is undoubtedly The BEST CASE OF DEJA VU EVER!

So, Caroline starts babbling on in an elated rush, saying words she clearly doesn’t mean AT ALL . . . something about how “[they] can’t go there,” and “Matt,” and “feelings,” and blah, blah, blah.

While PRE-Soul Crushed Tyler would have undoubtedly accepted Caroline’s justifications with a sweet smile, some flirtatious words, and a renewed vow of friendship that would SURELY culminate in Super Hot Were Vamp Sex, by the end of the evening, Post-Soul Crushed Tyler just nods expressionless, like a sly cat, just waiting to pounce on his prey.  And because we all know too well, the misdeeds of which THIS Tyler is capable, we can’t help but feel just a teensy bit worried for Caroline, as she walks nonchalantly toward her car.

That’s when the other shoe drops . . .

“What happened to Mason?”  Tyler asks icily.

“Awwww, CRAP!”

He’s dead.  Because Stefan and Damon Salvatore killed him, because they are vampires . . . just like you,” Tyler remarks coldly, looking right through Poor Caroline, as he speaks.

But then, Tyler softens, and a bit of that old charming vulnerability shows through his tough veneer.  In this single moment, Tyler is subconsciously willing Caroline to prove him wrong. . . to allow him to continue to believe her to be his perfect angelic savior, “Is it true?”  He asks softly.

Caroline’s eyes fill up with tears.  She nods . . . slowly.  And then THIS happens . . .

So, Caroline’s up against the car, and in Tyler’s arms, just like we wanted.  And yet, somehow, I don’t think our favorite Baby Werewolf is about to tell Caroline that “whatever [she] needs, [he is] there for [her]” . . .

“I trusted you,” yells Tyler through clenched teeth, as his eyes go gold with werewolf rage.

Fortunately, Caroline’s tears, along with the look of abject terror in her eyes, bring Tyler back to himself.  And so he lets go of Caroline’s jacket collar, shakes the supernatural rage out of his countenance, and stalks away sadly . . .

Useless Jenna Learns ONE of the 50 MILLION Secrets her friends and family have been hiding from her for at least TWO years  . . .

Last week, I suggested that Clueless Matt Donovan go and rent The Vampire Diaries, Season 1 and Season 2 (Now available for pre-order!) DVD’s to get him up to speed on EVERYTHING his so-called “friends” have been lying about to him, since the beginning of the series.  . .

This week, I’m going to take my suggestion one step further, and suggest that Matt and Useless Aunt Jenna watch the entire series TOGETHER in one long Blockbuster marathon weekend.  It would be fun for them, I think.  They could braid eachother’s hair, talk about girls, eat Chunky Monkey off Alaric’s naked body  . . . you know, the usual stuff.

Just think about how many LIVES this would save, and how fewer Super Villains would be invited into the Gilbert Home as a result! 

(Fortunately, though, Jenna has already invited in Elijah, because he’s . . . you know . . . AWESOME.)

So, anyway, Creepy Uncle / Father John is back in Mystic Falls.  And he’s lurking around the Gilbert Kitchen, like a rat on the tracks of a New York City subway station.

We can tell immediately that Bio Dad’s return has had a negative impact on our girl Elena, by the uncharacteristically high ponytail she sports throughout the episode . . .

Then again, perhaps, the new do was supposed to represent the return of Elena’s “inner child,” or something.  I don’t know . . .

Kat looks on with disapproval, as she helpfully suggests a more “fashionable” updo for her favorite fellow Petrova Doppelganger.

While Creepy Uncle / Father John is waxing poetic about how he “loves Elena” and is “here to protect her,” Useless Aunt Jenna stumbles down the steps, a bit sore after a night of Super Hot Screwing with Alaric.  And let’s just say, the sight of the Evil Brother-in-Law she once banged TOTALLY kills her Post-Sex buzz.  When Useless Aunt Jenna tries to kick John out of the house, he and Elena decide to drop a total bombshell on her.  John is Elena’s Bio Dad.  Who knew?  (Well . . . aside from . . . you know . . . EVERYBODY else in the WORLD.)

Speaking of HAIR-RAISING Situations . . .

The Salvatore Brothers Discuss the Logistics of Hero Hair, And Other Pressing Issues . . .

Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, the Salvatore Brothers are engaging in an important Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation.  So, guess who was the main subject of this conversation?  (By the way, if you didn’t answer “Elena,” I’d hereby like to extend to you an invitation to a TVD DVD Marathon Viewing Party, hosted by Clueless Matt and Useless Aunt Jenna.)

“You brought back, JOHN GILBERT?  THAT was your big Save Elena Move?”  Damon asks, incredulously.  (Yeah, Stefan!  I’m inclined to agree with Damon on this one.  Bringing back the Bio Dad earns you a C- tops in my Book of Hero Worship, Baby Salvatore.)

“He tried to BAKE ME TO A CRISP,” Damon reminds his brother, as if any further illumination as to the awfulness of Stefan’s idea is actually necessary.

NO ONE tries to BAKE my Future Boyfriend, and gets away with it!  And yes, I’m ALSO looking at you TOO, Bonnie Firestarter Bennett!  Don’t think I’ve forgotten, because I haven’t . . .

Yet, Stefan has always been a “Go with the Devil you KNOW” sort of guy.  As such, he trusts Creepy Uncle/ Father John and Mommy Dearest Isobel, over the Kickass Awesome Elijah (who, though NOT my Future Boyfriend, I would totally sleep with, especially after this week’s episode).   Stefan hopes that the Diabolical Duo will surprise him, by actually having the best interests of their daughter at heart.  He also figures, as Katherine suggested a few episodes back, that they could clue him into the complex conundrum that is Vampire Santa Klaus and his BIG SACRIFICE.

“As, if I didn’t have ENOUGH problems,” gripes Damon, referring of course, to his recent discovery of FEELINGS, which was brought on by the loss of Man-Stealer Rabies Head Rose.  “I’m changing Stefan.  I may just have to get a Hero Hairdo of my own, and steal your thunder.”

Hero Hairdo:  Check!

Thunder stolen: Double Check!

Papa Vamp Scolds Baby Vamp for Hanging out with a Bad Crowd . . .

“If you so much as LOOK at that Bad News Werewolf again, you are SO GROUNDED, Missy!”

You know, when we learned that the title of this episode was going to be “Daddy Issues,” we undoubtedly were reminded of the VERY MANY dysfunctional families on this show.  The Gilbert Family . . . The Lockwood Family . . . The Salvatore Family, all of them share one thing in common:  Bad Dads!  And yet, most of us, probably forgot about what is undoubtedly the most FUNCTIONAL family unit on this show, Papa Stefan and his Baby Vamp Caroline . . .

Yes, I KNOW, technically it was DAMON, and not Stefan, who’s blood gave Caroline eternal life.  And yet, Caroline has really been without a father figure, for much of the series.  By taking Caroline under his wing, supporting her emotionally, and teaching her how to live a relatively Law Abiding Vampire Lifestyle, Stefan is like the Great Dad Caroline never had . . .

So, it really shouldn’t have surprised any of us that THEIR relationship, was one of chief one’s explored this week.  After Damon leaves La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Caroline emergency texts Stefan, before arriving on his doorstep.  Though she tries to put on a brave face, she is clearly worried about the repercussions of her recent altercation with Tyler . . .

Stefan warns Caroline that Damon will probably KILL her Were-Beau, if he finds out Teen Wolf may have just switched over to TEAM Wolf.  “What if he retaliates?”  Stefan wonders out loud.

“You have to talk to him,” Caroline pleads, in a tone specifically reserved for daughters asking for BIG FAVORS from their fathers.  “You always know the right thing to say . . . He and I were . . . are . . . friends who just so happen to really like making out with one another, and pushing one another up against motor vehicles.

Speaking of Tyler . . .

Soul Crusher Jules tries her hand at playing Mommy . . . Dearest.

“Yes, Tyler, I AM fondling your knee inappropriately right now . . . But I’m only doing it because I want to have Hot Canine Sex with you want to show you just how much I care.”

Now, I know we all HATE Soul Crusher Jules for not killing Rose sooner the major damage she caused to the Budding Forwood Romance.  And yet, after this week, I’m starting to think that HER intentions (I, of course, am NOT speaking for the rest of her Dog Pack!) are not nearly as diabolical, as we once thought.  At first, I assumed that Jules was only interested in luring Tyler to the Dark Side, because she ultimately wanted to use him in The Sacrifice, just as Katherine did with Mason earlier this season.  I don’t think that’s the case, anymore.

Yeah, B*tch, you keep those hands in your lap, where they BELONG!  Just because I gave you a compliment, doesn’t mean I want you trying to hook up with Caroline’s MAN!

The typically frigid Jules is uncommonly warm and, dare I say, maternal, this week, as she invites Tyler to frolic with the rest of her wolf pack, and learn the ways of the Supernatural World.  “Your new life as a lycanthrope is just beginning.  Us werewolves have a Code of Loyalty.  It is my duty and honor to help you.  Please let me,” Jules offers.

Given that Tyler now feels completely alone in this world, as a result of his broken friendship with Caroline, you can imagine how enticing an offer like this might seem to a guy like him.  And yet, Tyler’s still very much a teenage boy!  We forget that sometimes, because the actor who plays him is 26 he looks like THIS . . .

But, this week, Tyler reminded us, by uttering these, OH SO ADORABLE next lines, “I can’t just run AWAY!  Mom would FREAK!”

(Awwww . . . Tyler, I love you!)

Elena Reintroduces her SOULMATE (Yeah, I said it!) to her Bio Dad

I now pronounce you Vamp and Wife.   You may kiss the bride . . .

Elsewhere, Damon and Elena are in agreement that Stefan’s idea to bring Uncle /Father John back to Mystic Falls was TOTALLY IDIOTIC!  But while, OLD DAMON would have simply beat the crap out of Bio Dad, which, admit it, would be SO fun to watch, NEW DAMON who undoubtedly sees Creepy Uncle / Father John as his future Father-in-Law is willing to engage him in a “civil” conversation.  “I’m the Good Guy, now,” Damon explains matter-of-factly . . . (Ummm . . . tell that to Dead Jessica, Damon!)

“I’m coming with you,” Elena replies, seeming a bit to eager to go frolicking with someone who is “just a friend,” I might add.  (Can you blame her?)

When Damon and Elena arrive at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, they run into the WHOLE REST OF THE EXTENDED GILBERT FAMILY.  Alaric, Useless Aunt Jenna, and Uncle / Father John are all in attendance.  All we need are Stefan and Jeremy, and this could be a Wedding Rehearsal Dinner!

“NO, DAMON!  We are NOT having the wedding here.  I don’t care if it IS the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls!  I’d rather go to Vegas . . .”

Useless Aunt Jenna takes this fine opportunity to introduce her “new bestie” Reporter Andie Starr to Damon, because Andie is apparently a Big Ole Ho (much like Jenna, herself), who’s really looking to get down and dirty with a Hot Vamp.

But, like we said, Damon is a “Good Guy” now, and “Good Guys” don’t bone other chicks at their future wife’s wedding rehearsal.  So, Damon rejects Andie’s ass . . . at least, initially, as Elena looks on, undoubtedly feeling smug as hell.

*sings*  “I still got him!  You can’t have him!  Nah-nah, nah-nah, nahhhh-nah!”

Damon then announces that he is “steering clear of all women.”  And at that moment, I hear the collective wails of every female on the entire planet.  (Fortunately, he only keeps that promise for about 20 more minutes.)

Damon then tries to muscle information about Klaus and The Sacrifice out of Uncle / Father John, by using a candle as a metaphor for the Creepo’s life, should he prove to be untrustworthy.

Unfortunately, John isn’t the sort of man to be intimidated by vampires who “know how to give blow jobs out candles.”  To the contrary, he is INTRIGUED by them.

“I need to know I can blow trust you.  Then we can talk,” responds John, before strutting away effeminately.

Speaking of the game of Suck and Blow, let’s head over to the Trailer Park, were Soul Crusher Jules has returned to reunite with some old Chew Toys friends . . .

Bad DOGS!

Meet Werewolf Brady.  He dresses like a farmer, and talks like a Comic Book Villain.  But, at least for now, we will let those things slide, because (1) he is hot (duh!); and (2) he’s making out with Soul Crusher Jules, which will likely prevent her from making a play for Tyler, at least until the Big Brawny Were-oaf kicks the bucket, which Villains like him often tend to do on this show, typically within about 3 episodes. . .

JULES: “What’s that I taste on your breath?  Have you been eating Girl Scout Cookies?”

BRADY:  “Not the cookies. . .  just the scouts.”

After they are done swapping dog breath, Jules and Brady talk about their MASTER PLAN.  Brady wants to avenge fellow dog, Mason’s untimely death.  Jules wants Tyler’s hot teen wolf ass for her pack collection.  So, they compromise, and decide to get both.  (Hear that?  That’s your Werewolf Code of Loyalty at work, people!  It’s a Doggone Dogmocracy!)

Meanwhile, back at the Lockwood Mansion. . .

Stefan and Tyler get Up Close and Personal . . .

It sure is convenient that Stefan was invited into the Lockwood House during the Season Premiere, to attend the Mayor’s funeral.  Otherwise, he would have NEVER been able to do THIS.  At first, Stefan, ever the pragmatist, tries to calmly discuss the ways in which a Supernatural World can be Super-Friendly TOO!  “We can really use a Scooby Doo in our Scooby Gang.  You interested?  Mini Gilbert’s getting mighty lonely, playing Scrappy, all by himself!  Vampires and Werewolves can live together in harmony,” Stefan, more or less, tells Tyler, in his own TVD version of Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” Speech.

But Tyler’s not really buying it.  So Stefan instead tries some Tough Love, by throwing Teen Wolf up against the wall.  (Actually, I’m pretty sure there’s something in the contracts of the actors on this show, that requires someone to be shoved up against a wall, at least once per episode.)  “Without a Full Moon, you are no match for me,” he growls at Tyler.  “And, while we’re at it, stop being such a dick to [Caroline]!”

Stefan’s harsh actions frightens Tyler, so much, that he ends up calling “Mommy” . . . and by “Mommy” I mean, of course, Soul Crusher Jules.  (BIG MISTAKE, TYLER!  HUGE!)

“Omigod!  You SHOT Caroline!  You, bastards!”

Before you can say “RUN CAROLINE!,” Jules and Brady have cornered their baby vamp, against her car . . . AGAIN.  (Note to Caroline:  Learn to use public transportation.)

See?  Much better!

And then, Brady . . . SHOOTS CAROLINE IN THE HEAD, WITH A WOODEN BULLET!

Source (for the awesome gif, of course, the MONKEY IS ALL MINE! 🙂

Fortunately, for Caroline, she’s made of Sugar and Spice and Vampire Awesome!  So, she can pop those bullets out of her body, like it’s Child’s Play.  Thank goodness, Caroline is such a True Blood / Vampire Eric Northman fan, otherwise, she never would have known about this unusual skill set of hers . . .

“Hey, Tyler!  Caroline needs you to suck something out of her neck . . .”

Unfortunately, though, getting shot still HURTS LIKE HELL!  And Caroline, who’s been thrown into a CAGE by Crazy Jail Warden Were-Oaf Brady, is getting shot at A LOT!

Of course, having watched the promos, most of us KNEW that this was going to happen to Caroline, eventually, this week.  And yet, that didn’t deaden the impact Brady’s torture of Caroline had on us fans AT ALL.  Kudos to Candice Accola, who’s hoarse cries of helplessness, screams of pain, and pleading, “Why are you doing this to me?”  literally brought tears to my eyes, every time the gun went off. 

Brady’s Hotness Points = Officially flushed down my toilet.  DIE DOGGY, DIE!

(That being said, this may sound awful but . . . was anybody else slightly relieved that, contrary to what the promos would have us believe, Tyler didn’t, at least consciously, have any part in this?)

When Stefan calls Caroline’s phone to see if she is OK, Jules picks up, and gives Stefan an earful of his surrogate sire’s anguished screams.  “You have twenty minutes,” she says.  “Bring Tyler or Caroline dies.”

It’s time to call your brother, Stefan!  Because it looks like YOU are going to need some serious reinforcements . . .

“Be the Better Man.”

As a TVD fan, and a recapper, I generally like to try to find the bright side in things.  And if there was a bright side to Caroline’s painful torture, at least STORYLINE wise, it was THIS scene between Damon and Elena.  When Damon receives the call from Stefan about what’s going down with Caroline and the weres, Damon’s got blood on the brain . . . Tyler’s blood. 

As is typical of her in such situations, Elena begs Damon to be “good,” and not kill Tyler.  And yet, Elena does something a bit different this time, to make herself seem more persuasive.  It’s something we haven’t really seen her do, since the Bad Moon Rising episode, where she manipulated Damon, who she HATED at the time, into giving her information about Katherine.  Elena seductively places her hand on Damon’s arm, and holds it there.   She then looks deep into his eyes, and says, “Too many people die here.  Be the better man.”

Source

The significance of this movement is not lost on Damon, who knows EXACTLY what his lady love is attempting.  And he is NOT happy with it . . . at all.  “You need to stop doing that . . . assuming that I’m going to be the Good Guy, just because it’s YOU, who’s asking.”

And yet, in a few moments, we will see that Damon does EXACTLY what Elena wants him to do, PRECISELY because it is her who did the asking.  They call marriage the  Old Ball and Chain for a REASON, Damon!  And you are TOTALLY whipped!

Sidenote:  I found this scene particularly interesting, because it called to mind a recent interview that Nina Dobrev gave to Wetpaint.com.  In it, Nina argued that, even though Damon made her FORGET his declaration of love for her, Elena definitely knows how Damon feels about her, “Of course, Elena doesn’t know, because Damon didn’t outright tell her… but she knows. You know when someone likes you or is in love with you,” she says.

In the Bad Moon Rising episode, Elena manipulated Damon’s desire to “be her friend” again, after the whole Jeremy Neck Snap Incident.  But this week, we saw the first signs of Elena’s awareness of Damon’s LOVE for her.  Though Elena may have always had a subconscious knowledge of the extent of Damon’s feelings, this is really the closest she has come to acknowledging them, indulging them, and using them to her advantage.  Is it mean?  Absolutely, does it bring a smile to this Delena Fan’s face, anyway?  YOU BET IT DOES!


Then Damon tells Uncle / Father John to babysit his own daughter (something, he’s probably NEVER done before, by the way), and heads off to Fight for Team Salvatore.

Vampires versus Werewolves versus . . . Warlocks?

Hey, look!  It’s the Three Hotmigos!

At the Were-House Salvatore Squared form a Salvatoreo Sandwich around Tyler their bargaining chip.  “Release Caroline, and you will get Tyler,” bargains Stefan.

“We are going to try his way, before my way,” snarks Damon.  “My way is a bit bloodier.”

Of course, our Scooby Gang is feeling pretty confident at this point that they can overtake Soul Crusher Jules, especially considering the apparent Lack of Full Moon Wolfiness surrounding her.  But then, Jules calls in for reinforcements . . .

And that puts an end to THAT idea.   The Salvatore’s drop Tyler like the hotcake he is!  So Baby Were heads inside the trailer to do what he should have done ALL ALONG — FREE CAROLINE!

Meanwhile, outside, the Weres and Vamps are at a bit of a Standoff.  “Which one of you killed, Mason?”  Were-oaf Brady asks.

“That would be, ME!”  Damon replies happily.

“Make sure that one suffers,” Brady responds maniacally.

And suffer he will, because these weres don’t mess around!  They’ve got fire power, and an arsenal of crazy weapons that would make Alaric Saltzman proud.   The Salvatore Brothers don’t have weapons or fire with them today . . . just a Can a of Whup Ass, and a Heaping Helping of AWESOME!

Source

Honestly, I wish there were more gifs and picspam of the Were/ Vamp fight, because it was downright FANTASTIC to watch.  And yet, when Caroline emerged from the trailer, and THIS happened to her . . .

 . . . I stopped paying attention to the fight, and started yelling at Tyler to get his butt over there and HELP OUT!  He didn’t . . .

But you know who did?  THIS GUY . . .

Who the HECK would have thought that the Jonas Brother from Another Mother would end up being a Savior of Salvatores?  And yet, save them he did, by giving all the werewolves in the place a massive dose of that BIG BAD HEADACHE thing we always see Bonnie using on all the vampires.  Within moments, all the weres are incapacitated (except Tyler).   Everyone left standing is looking at this guy in shock, as if to say, “Who the f*ck are you?”

“Elijah made a promise to Elena.  I’m here to see that it is upheld.  Go now,” says Jonas to Caroline, Stefan and Damon.

He then turns his attention to Tyler . . .

“When your friends awaken, give them a message.  They need to get the hell out of this town.”

OK . . . so remember when I told you I fell in LOVE with Elijah this week?  THIS is why!

Source

When Elijah promised Elena that none of her friends would get HURT, I assumed that promise would be strictly limited to them getting hurt by OTHER VAMPIRES  .  . . I didn’t think he would take it as far as to act as a 24-7 PERSONAL BODY GUARD to ALL of Elena’s friends.  Now that is just PURE AWESOME!  In fact, if Elijah actually APPEARED in this episode, I probably would have hugged my television screen (and probably got massive electric shock, as a result).

A Friend in Need . . .

Of all the characters on TVD this week, Caroline probably wins the WORST DAY EVER AWARD.  And yet, when Stefan comes to check on her, after the whole “Cage Ordeal,” she offers him a pained smile, and promises him that she is going to be just fine.

“I’m not your girly little Caroline anymore,” notes the Baby Vamp ruefully.  “I can handle myself.”

“You sure can,” replies Stefan, before leaving Caroline to pick the rest of the wood out of her ass.

Caroline offers the same brave face to Matt, when he calls to tell her that she forgot to meet up with him.  (Ummm . . . she’s been a bit busy, Dude!  If you watched those DVD’s like I told you to, you would KNOW that!)  Though Caroline claims that she can’t see her Ex-Beau, because she is “taking care of Bonnie,” Matt, who is working at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls at the time, knows that this is a bald-faced lie . . .

Source

Yeah . . . so apparently Jeremy and Bonnie are like “Boyfriend / Girlfriend” now.  Whatev . . .

Caroline may have been perky with Stefan, and sweetly dismissive with Matt, but she shows no such restraint with Tyler, when he shows up her door to apologize for  her whole “Being Locked up in a Cage, and Shot in the Head Multiple Times by my Crazy Dog Pound Friends” thing . . .

“I lied to protect my friends.  I lied to protect you.  I expected you to HELP, but you just STOOD THERE . . . It is too late, Tyler.  We are not friends, anymore.  What happened tonight will NEVER happen again.  Take THAT back to your Were Pack and get the hell out of my house!”

Now, I have to admit that, THOUGH HE TOTALLY DESERVED it for being a COMPLETE WUSS, during the Supernatural Battle Royale of 2011, when Caroline went off on Tyler like that, I got a bit teary.  And there was a big part of me that wanted to give Tyler a hug . . .

But that part of me got MAJORLY PISSED off all over again, when Tyler went running to his new Crazy Were-Losers, and  told them about THE MOONSTONE!

Seriously, Doofus?  Did Stefan’s “I Have a Were/Vamp Dream” Speech teach you ABSOLUTELY nothing?”

You are SO on my poopy list, now Tyler!

Speaking of my Poopy List . . .

Creepy Uncle / Father D-bag

Meanwhile, Creepy Uncle / Father John tried to “play nice” by giving Elena her adoptive mom’s bracelet . . .

 . . . and teaching Damon how to kill an Original Vampire using stakes and ash.  (IS THAT IT?  Honestly, I was hoping you would need something way cooler than that to kill someone as awesome as Elijah . . . Pennies from Heaven, perhaps?)

But then John screwed up EVERYTHING by joining Team Katherine, and promising to free her from her tomb . . .

Then again, THIS could be an excellent opportunity for us Kefan fans to get the REAL Katherine / Stefan sex scene we’ve all been dreaming of, for quite some time now . . .

KJewls Poopy List

Brady the Were-oaf

Soul Crusher Jules

Were-extras

Rose (even though she’s dead . . . YAY!)

Tyler (for “being a dick to Caroline,” and for spilling the beans about the “Moonstone”)

Creepy Uncle / Father John  (They better have sex, dude!  That’s all I’m going to say.  Or your ass is going right back on this list.)

Alls Well that Ends SEXY!

Back at Caroline’s house, Stefan has commandeered Elena and Bonnie, and transported them to the poor tired Baby Vamp’s place for some MUCH NEEDED Girl Time . . .

Even as a staunch Delena fan, I must admit that my heart softened a bit, when Elena turned to Stefan and mouthed, “I love you,” to him for having  truly been there for her Bestie, when she needed it most.  Undoubtedly,  while all this is happening, Elena is thinking about what a good DAD Stefan would be . .  . if he were ever actually capable of having kids .  . . which he’s not. 

Speaking of Delena . . .

I know that technically it’s “weird” of me to classify this scene, which features Damon naked and necking with that random reporter chick, as a Delena scene.  And yet, it’s not what Damon DOES in this scene that’s important (OK . . . who am I kidding? Damon being naked is ALWAYS important!) . . .

 . . . but rather, what he SAYS, during the scene (while naked) that’s so very satisfying to me, and, I suspect to other members’ of my Mother Ship . . .

“I need help, because I love a woman I WILL ABSOLUTELY EVENTUALLY HAVE can never have,” Damon tells his new Sex Toy, while gulping down glasses of wine, and lathering his hot bod with soap bubbles.  “I’m in love with her, and it’s driving me crazy.  I’m not in control . . .  I’m bad . . . I do things . . . I kill people,” Damon adds, before compelling Andie to be calm, in a super hot way, that involves her staring at his luscious lips, and intense eyes.

(OK . . . does this make you calm?  Because it makes me positively hornygiddy!)

” She wants me to be better, but I can’t be,” Damon concludes, his eyes welling up with tears for maybe the third or fourth time this season, which I LOVE!

Long story short . . . Damon still LOVES Elena, so much so, that he’s become one of those guys that talks about the girl he LOVES with the girl he SLEEPS with. 

Now, what I’m actually liking about Andie, and why she’s TOTALLY cool with me so far — in a way that Rose never was — is that she’s perfectly happy to just be the Booty Call.  So far, at least, Random Reporter Sex Toy sees no need to be in a “relationship” with Damon, or even really be his friend.  She’s just his “distraction,” and that’s FINE with her!

In fact, Andie acts like most of us probably would act, if we were lucky enough to be making out in a bathtub with Damon Salvatore  — just thrilled to be THERE! 🙂  Andie even gives Damon some pretty awesome advice, “Love does that . . . it changes people.  You can change.”  (You are right, Andie!  HE CAN CHANGE!  The question is, do we really want him to?)

In the end, Damon is tired of listening to Andie talk.  (So, are we! )  So, he tells her to just kiss him, and be his distraction.  And doggonit if it’s not the most romantic, “I plan to use you for sex, and you will like it” pickup line, I have ever heard in my entire life!

(Of course, I’m ad-libbing a bit  here, because it’s about 4 am, and this is the LONGEST RECAP I HAVE EVER WRITTEN!  But you can check out the full scene, in all its Nudy Glory here.)

And that was the amazing “Daddy Issues” episode, in a VERY LARGE, nutshell.  Thanks for reading, Fangbangers! 

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Do That Tomb Me, One More Time! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Masquerade”

Don’t you love it when our little Scooby Gang can put aside their differences, and come together to achieve a common goal?  I mean . . . think about it.  EVERYBODY played their part in Katherine’s destruction this week.  Alaric brought the weapons.  Bonnie set the trap.  Caroline led Kat into the trap.  The Salvatores kicked some Major Kat Ass, and Jeremy . . . well . . .  ummm . . .

 . . .  he looked really pretty!

So put on your party masks, everyone . . . it’s time to look back at how our favorite Scooby Crew turned a Mission Impossible into a Mission (mostly) Accomplished!

We ALL Need a Stiff One Sometimes . . .

ALARIC:  “My, what big WOOD you have, Damon!”

DAMON:  “The better to poke you with, My Dear Alaric.”  *does Eye Thing*

When the episode begins, Caroline is in DESPERATE need of a Stiff One.  And Damon kindly obliges . . .

“Phew, I really needed that.”

OK . . . I meant he gave her a DRINK . . . of blood . . . Get your mind out of the gutter!  (Damon’s a one-woman girl, now!  HE BELONGS TO ELENA!  DUH!)

That’s more like it!  (You’re welcome for the Shirtless Damon pic, by the way . . . they’ve been SO LACKING this season!  WTF Writers!)

Anyway, Caroline needed the Stiffy drink, because she had just had a run in with the EVIL KAT.  Apparently, Elena’s Much Cooler Twin Sister cornered the Baby Vamp, while she was skulking around Mystic Falls Only Bar / Social Establishment, and stalking her ex boyfriend, Zombie Matt.

“Must . . . eat . . . brains    be  . . . Random Plot Device   do . . . Katherine’s bidding.”

As per usual, Katherine wants Caroline to “deliver a message” to the Salvatore Detective Agency.  (What’s with all this getting your enemies to deliver your messages for you, Katherine?  Can’t you afford Fed Ex . . . or a good texting plan?)

“What do you MEAN, it’s going to take 3-to-5 business days to get there?  I eat customer service reps, like you for lunch!  No . . . really . . .I do.”

The “message” in question is that Katherine wants the Object-Formerly-Known as-Mason’s-Family-Jewels . . .

 (Sorry Wolfman!)

 . . . delivered to her that night, at Mystic Falls’ Masquerade Ball for the Homeless (?)

(Seriously?  Aside from maybe the Hidey Hole Vamps, how many homeless people do you think actually live in Mystic Falls)

If the Brothers don’t deliver the Jewels to the Big Ball, THE TOWN WILL RAIN BLOOD!

“RAIN?  I didn’t even bring an umbrella!”

Caroline initially suggests that the Salvatore Detective Agency give Katherine what she wants so she will “GO AWAY!”

But Damon doesn’t PLAY that game!  “I’m not giving her my DICK again!”  He exclaims.

Would you, perhaps, consider giving it to ME, then?

Damon then states that HE plans to KILL Katherine (a revelation that would be truly shocking . . . if . . . say . . . you were stuck in an underground tomb somewhere, between this week and last, and, therefore, never saw any of the promos for this episode).  Then Stefan, ever the stereotypical little brother, states that he wants to kill Katherine, instead of Damon!

DAMON: “I’ll wrestle you for it.”

STEFAN:  “Fine . . . take off your shirt.”

Stupidity, Naivety, and, of course, more Uselessness . . .

After last week’s brief brush with plot importance, Aunt Jenna dutifully resumed Chronic Uselessness this week, when she was carried home by Matt, Elena, Alaric and Jeremy, after “accidentally stabbing herself in the abdomen with a knife.” 

(OK . . . could someone please tell me WHY these guys haven’t told Useless Aunt Jenna about the whole “Vampire Thing” yet?  Doesn’t her current status as the girlfriend of the male equivalent of Buffy the Vampire Slayer earn her honorary admission into the Scooby Gang?  We all know she’s just going to keep “walking into the knives,” until she’s taught to do otherwise . . .)

Once alone, Jeremy asks Elena what she plans on doing about the whole “Kat Problem.”  And Elena, taking a page from the Useless Aunt Jenna Book of Problem Solving, replies, “Nothing.”

“I always knew I had all the brains in the family . . .”

Elena honestly believes that, because she broke up with Stefan she can FINALLY start screwing his Hot Brother Katherine will just ride off into the sunset on the coffin she rode in on.  “You are being a F*CKING MORON naive, and you know it!”  Jeremy scolds.

And with that, Mini Gilbert stalks off to La Casa de Rich and Awesome for yet another Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation . . .

“I’ll Take ‘Weapons Commonly Used to Kill Vampires’ for $100, Alex”

Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Alaric has quite literally opened up his Can of Vampire-Flavored Whup Ass on the rest of the Scooby Gang.  This guy’s got some phallic-shaped weapons that would make even Buffy blush!

DAMON:  “All that vampire slaying, and your hands are still silky smooth!  Do you mind my asking, what kind of moisturizer you use?”

Soon, Bonnie arrives with her . . .  to this day I can never figure out what they call that Witch Book of hers . . . Grimmore . . . Grin More . . . Gremlin? . . . whatever it is, she’s got a Big Book, and Stefan wants her to use it to help kill Katherine.

BONNIE:  “Do you want me to hit her on the head with it?  Because I could do that, you know . . .”

Stefan’s actual plan involves Bonnie performing a spell at the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless (?) that will isolate Katherine from the rest of the party, so that the Brother Vamps can kill her in peace.  Then, Bonnie makes me like her character just a little bit more, by actually agreeing to the plan, without giving anyone a migraine . . .

 . . . or making a single Anti-Vampire comment, in the process.  (It’s a start . . .)

“As long as no one gets hurt,” Judgy Bonnie can’t help but scold.

(In hindsight, this was probably the funniest line in the whole episode.  Seriously!  Who didn’t get hurt at the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless(?))

“Except for Katherine.  Tonight the Kat gets a stake through the heart,” concluded Damon (a line which undoubtedly scared the bejeesus out of all the cats,watching this episode . . . including mine . . . she’s a HUGE TVD fan!)

This isn’t her . . .

My Katherine, what a BIG WITCH you have!

Speaking of Katherine, it looks like she got herself a witch of her own.  And MAN is she TALL!  In fact, Witchy Lucy was SO tall, she made most of the cast look like miniature figurines!  After weeks of seeing the evil vamp threaten her adversaries, with sing-song one-liners and double entendres, it was nice to see Katherine with someone who (at least, at first) actually seemed like friend of hers.

When Lucy inquires as to why Katherine is straightening her hair, she replies conspiratorially, “I’m impersonating my dull as dishwater doppelganger, Elena.”

“She has terrible taste,” scoffs Katherine.

“Except in men!” Lucy replies.

When Katherine flirtatiously asks Lucy to be her “plus one” at the event, I couldn’t help but wonder if these two had ever “experimented” with eachother.  (Come on!  You just KNOW Katherine is the kind of girl who “swings both ways.”)

Everybody Rejects Elena . . . (for once in her life)

“WTF, guys!  You can’t engage in Scooby Games without ME!  You all LOVE ME, and I’m HOT!”

Back at the Gilbert house, Mopey Elena is being SUPER selfish!  She’s letting her breakup with Stefan get in the way of her going to a boozy party TO HELP THE HOMELESS!

She tries to get Zombie Matt to stay home with her (he used to LUUUUUUVVVV her, after all).  But Zombie Matt is on a suicidal mission . . . one which (shockingly) doesn’t involve Elena.  But when Elena finds out that Stefan AND Jeremy went to “help the homeless” too, she gets REALLY pissed!

“I’m glad he’s going,” says Useless Aunt Jenna, of Jeremy.  “He needs to lose the Emo Thing.”

(“Emo Thing,” Jenna?  COME ON!  That is SO Season 1!)

Ultimately, however, it’s Alaric that spills the beans about the Scooby Gang and their Ocean’s 11-esque plan to Kill the Kat, and Save the Elena!

“What can I say?  I’m a sucker for a good Spoiler!”

So Many Dicks, So Little Time . . .

Having watched the episode, I now see that the purpose of that seemingly random scene between Tyler and his mom, was to, more or less, foreshadow what happened to him at the end of the episode.  However, when I first watched it, I was pretty certain it was all about DICKS . . .

“Why so much ‘dick’?  You’ve got something against the word ‘weiner?'”

Tyler apologized for being a DICK . . . Tyler’s mom said Tyler’s dead dad could be a DICK sometimes . . . Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick.  Between all these dicks, and the two Damon used in the opening scenes, I found myself sorely wishing I had created a drinking game around this word, before the episode began . . .

Slutty Amy Meets Her Maker . . .