Tag Archives: celebrity

The post where I pretend to have a Twitter Account, and help Jimmy Fallon host the Emmys

 

As you probably already know, the 62nd Annual Primetime Emmy Awards will be airing live this Sunday night (August 29th), at 8 p.m on N.B.C., with Jimmy Fallon acting as host.  What you may NOT know, is that YOU have the opportunity to write some of his jokes!  And who do we have to thank for this groundbreaking opportunity?  Why, Twitter, of course!

You see, unlike during other Emmy specials — where you spend half the time cringing at the lame one-liners the hosts come up with to introduce the show’s various celebrity award presenters — this year, you get to write them, YOURSELF!

Here’s how it works.  When you click on this website, you will be directed to a list of all of the presenters for this year’s Emmy awards.  Do you have something funny, amusing or poignant to say about a particular celebrity?  Do you have an existing Twitter account?  If you have answered “Yes” to both questions, simply click on your favorite actor or actress’s name, and you will be directed to a place where you can tweet about them to Jimmy Fallon and his writing staff. 

If Jimmy and his staff like what you wrote, there’s a chance Mr. Fallon will read it LIVE ON TV (giving full credit to YOU and your creative Twitter handle, of course)!  You can tweet to Jimmy throughout the Emmy Broadcast (or, at least until your choice presenter has presented).  Pretty cool right?

Well . . . here’s the problem.  I don’t have a Twitter account . . .

 . . . and I don’t plan on opening one just for this contest, cool as it may be.  So, here’s what I decided to do.  I’ve written a Twitter-sized Emmy intro for EACH of the presenters.  You can read them.  If any of them don’t make you groan or roll your eyes, feel free to tweet them to Jimmy Fallon.  If you do that, and throw at least partial credit to “KJewls” or “TV Recappers Anonymous,” I will be your best friend for life! 

If not . . . well, at least I tried. 

So, without further adieu, my Emmy presenter introductions:

1) Ann Margret

You might remember her from classic films like Bye, Bye Birdie, The Cincinatti Kid, and Viva Las Vegas.  But what really stands out in my mind is her brilliant performance in The Santa Clause 3.  It’s Ann Margret!

2) Anna Paquin

On HBO’s True Blood, she plays the coolest fairy to ever date a boy that doesn’t age, since Tinkerbell.  It’s Anna Paquin!

3) Alexander Skarsgard

Bite into America’s favorite Swedish meatball  . . . It’s Alexander Skarsgard!

4) Betty White

Before Twilight, or True Blood, or The Vampire Diaries, before the wheel was invented, America’s first true vampire was a Golden Girl.  Please welcome the immortal, Betty White.

5) Blair Underwood

Barak Obama was busy tonight, so we got the next best thing.  Set to play the President of the United States, in the upcoming NBC Drama Series, The Event , it’s Blair Underwood!

6) Boris Kodjoe

He’s sexy.  He’s bald.  He’s black.  He’s beautiful.  I’d do him.  Everybody welcome, Boris Kodjoe!

7) Christopher Meloni

Question:  If Detective Elliot Stabler from Law and Order SVU fought convicted murderer, Chris Keller, from Oz, who do you think would win?  Only this guy knows . . . It’s Christopher Meloni.

8 ) Claire Danes

When Jordan Catalano broke up with Angela Chase, I cried.  When Beth died in the Little Women movie, I cried.  When Juliet died in the Romeo and Juliet movie, I cried.  Stop making me blubber like a baby, Claire Danes!

9) Edie Falco

Last night I had this dream that Carmela Soprano was getting high in the on-call room with Nurse Jackie.  Thanks for the memories, Edie Falco!

10) Emily Deschanel

If this lovely lady is leaning over you and stroking your face, it probably means you’re dead!  She plays Temperance Brennan on Bones.  It’s Emily Deschanel!

11) Eva Longoria Parker

Though perhaps best known  for playing the delectable Gabrielle Solis on Desperate Housewives, our next guest REALLY won my heart as Flight Attendant 3 on Beverly Hill, 90210.  It’s Eva Longoria Parker!

12) Gugu Mbatha Raw

She bears the distinction of having the hardest name to pronounce in Emmy history.  Dr. Who is she?  It’s Gugu Mbatha Raw!

13) January Jones

We can’t really blame Betty for dumping Don Draper on Mad Men.  Her people are Nordic.  It’s January Jones!

14) Jeff Probst

He’s been on Survivor for TEN YEARS, and NEVER once been voted off the island.  Everybody welcome, Jeff Probst!

15) Jim Parsons

In order to invite Dr. Sheldon Cooper to present this award, we had to disinvite Leonard Nimoy and Stan Lee.  They both have restraining orders against him.  Sorry guys!  It’s Jim Parsons!

16) Joel McHale

Joel McHale is the nicest, smartest, hottest, and most wonderful man on the planet.  Shh, I’m only saying this, because I don’t want him to make fun of me on The Soup.  It’s Joel McHale.

17) John Krasinski

For our next presenter, we wanted to get the hottest paper salesman at Dunder Mifflin.  But Dwight Schrute was unavailable, so we settled for Jim Halpert.  Everybody welcome, John Krasinski!

18 ) John Lithgow

What is this world coming to? The world is at war, the economy is a mess, and the dad from Harry and the Hendersons is a serial killer!  Say hello the Evil John Lithgow!

19) Jon Hamm

The Dapper Don Draper is here.  An attendant will be stopping by to retrieve all the panties that just dropped on the floor.  Everybody welcome, Jon Hamm!

20) Julianna Margulies

Women scorned by slutty manwhore hubbies the world over, can take a page out of this lady’s book.  She plays Alicia Florick on The Good Wife.  It’s Julianna Margulies.

21) Keri Russell

Please give a big round of applause for the gal who played Felicity Porter . . . or she might cut her hair again.  Ladies and gentleman, Keri Russell!

22) Lauren Graham

She went from playing the fast talking, coffee swigging Lorelai Gilmore, to the bartending, teacher smooching, Sarah Braverman.  It’s everybody’s favorite MILF, Lauren Graham!

23) Laurence Fishburne

Our next presenter is the only guy who could possibly explain The Matrix movies to me.  It’s Laurence Fishburne!

24) L.L. Cool J.

Someone tweeted me this really funny L.L. Cool J. joke.  But when I told him about it, his mama said knock me out.  Please don’t hurt me, L.L. Cool J!

25) Mariska Hargitay

This next presenter could totally kick my ass.  She plays Dr. Olivia Benson on Law and Order:  SVU.  It’s Mariska Hargitay!

26) Matthew Morrison

On Glee, he plays Will Schuester, a teacher who can Bust a Move, Alone, Like a  Gold Digger, Somewhere Over the Rainbow.  He also looks great in a thong.  It’s Matthew Morrison!

27) Matthew Perry

He’s the Friend who got it on with Courtney Cox BEFORE David Arquette.  Could he BE any luckier?  It’s Matthew Perry!

28) Maura Tierney

Nurse Jackie learned everything she knows about addiction from this next presenter.  She played Dr. Abby Lockhart on ER.  It’s Maura Tierney!

29) Nathan Fillion

I had this great idea for a mystery novel.  So, I tweeted it to Rick Castle.  Then I realized he’s not a real person.  Thanks a lot, Nathan Fillion!

30) Neil Patrick Harris

If Barney Stinson gave relationship advice to Doogie Howser, M.D.  and Dr. Horrible, they’d all look a bit like this guy.  Please don’t steal my job, Neil Patrick Harris!

31) Ricky Gervais

When I made that comment about Dwight Schrute being the hottest paper salesman at Dunder Mifflin, I really offended this guy.  Everybody welcome, Ricky Gervais!

32) Sofia Vergara

I’ll admit, I don’t always understand what she’s saying on Modern Family.  But it always sounds beautiful.  It’s Sofia Vergara!

33) Stephen Colbert

I’m proud to present the next President of the United States, Stephen Colbert!

34) Stephen Moyer

He’s the only person in the world who can make the name “Sookie” sound like a sex act. It’s Stephen Moyer!

35) Ted Danson

This man needs no introduction, because he only goes where “everybody knows his name.”  It’s . . . shoot  .  . . what’s that guy’s name again?  Oh yeah!  Ted Danson!

36) Tina Fey

She’s a writer, producer, actress, and an Emmy and Golden Globe winner.  Thanks for making us all look stupid and lazy, Tina Fey!

37) Tom Selleck

I’m so excited about this next guest.  He’s been such a role model for me throughout his distinguished career.  Everybody, put your hands together for Tom Selleck’s MUSTACHE  . . . oh, and Tom Selleck too, I guess.

38) Will Arnett

Our next presenter is perhaps best known for his role as magician GOB Bluth on Arrested Development.  Well, if you’re such a great magician GOB, why don’t you make your show reappear!  It’s Will Arnett!

There you have it, 38 celebrity Emmy presenters, and 38 introductions for Jimmy Fallon.  I sure hope he appreciates it!  See you at the Emmys!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Tiger’s New Nike Commercial (a.k.a “I HEAR Dead People. I SEE a Slutty Person.”)

“He keeps LOOKING at me . . . like he wants to tell me something . . . or send me an illicit text message about his man parts.”

The above New Nike commercial, which features the voice of Tiger’s father, Earl Woods, who died of a heart attack back in 2006, hit the air waves today, amidst much controversy and generalized hubbub.  The release of the commercial directly coincides with the commencement of the Masters Tournament.  This prestigious tourney just so happens to be the first one to feature Tiger Woods and his balls (er . . . golfballs), since this past November of 2009.  At that time, as I’m sure you are well aware (assuming YOU haven’t been underground for four years), both Tiger and his balls got caught in an entirely different sort of trap than the sandy ones you might find on the putting green.

Tiger grabbing his balls . . .

Tiger thinking with (and subsequently losing) those SAME balls . . .

I’m still not quite sure how I feel about this commercial.  On one hand, as a marketing technique, this is is FABULOUS.  I haven’t thought or talked about Nike this much since third grade.  That was when I first learned that “doing it” was a euphemism for sex.  Eight-year old me, therefore, instantly ranked Nike’s slogan right up there with poopy and fart jokes, as the coolest and funniest three words of all time.

In addition to being (pardon the expression) “ballsy,” the Nike commercial is a work of cinematic brilliance.  The grainy aged-looking black-and-white film, the somber tone it evokes, the way Tiger stares the camera directly in its face, wistful, yet proud — daring you, the viewer to judge him — all of these things work together to create a package that is evocative and strangely beautiful.  In short, this scene wouldn’t look at all out of place in one of those weird artsy French films that you sometimes find on the Independent Film Channel.

But you know what else, makes this commercial remind me of French films?   IT’S CREEPY!  Earl Woods’ disembodied voice, obviously recorded prior to his death (at least, I hope), is oddly prescient.  It feels as though Woods’ authoritarian father is rising from the grave to “ground” him for his wrong doing. 

But you know what’s even creepier?  When it comes down to it, this 30-second short isn’t really about judgment or redemption at all.  Take away all that fancy esoteric packaging, and this video has one purpose, and one purpose only . . . to make YOU buy sneakers!

Celebrities, like Tiger Woods, are paid millions of dollars to star in advertisements like this one.  In them, marketers are telling YOU, the viewer, impliedly, that if you shell out the cash to buy these products, you can become LIKE the celebrity featured using them.  In Tiger’s case, this gives new meaning to the phrase “Wear Nike and just do it . . .” 

Then again, using THAT logic, this is a really ineffective commercial.  After all, while watching this, you couldn’t really tell what was going on below Tiger’s waist AT ALL.  (“That’s what SHE said!” – har de har har).  Tiger very well may have been wearing ADDIDAS, or KEDS or a pizza box, for all we know . . .

Of course, Nike certainly has a right to stand by its celebrity endorser.  After all, Tiger Woods is STILL an excellent golfer.  No one can contest that.  However, was it necessary for the corporation to support him in this way, by exploiting his deceased father, his misdeeds, and, everyone hurt by his actions –most notably, his wife Elin, his two children, and two dogs?

Animals suffer during divorce too, you know!

Is a celebrity entitled to make mistakes, repent for them, and stage a career comeback, after taking some time out to do some serious soul-searching?  Absolutely.  I’m just not entirely sure that this commercial was the best (or most tasteful) way for Tiger Woods to “just do it” . . .

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Filed under New Nike commercial, sex scandal, Tiger Woods

You’re So Vain, You Probably Think This E-Trade Baby is About You . . .

Lindsay Lohan: Milkaholic?

Just a few weeks ago, I paid a little tribute to those adorably sassy E-Trade Babies.  Little did I know then that those babies lives and livelihoods would be threatened by something so EVIL, so SINISTER, that the mere utterance of its name is enough to send shivers down the spines of millions of Americans . . . LINDSAY!

It all started during Super Bowl XLIV, when the E-Trade babies found the courage to show us a side of them that they had never shown before.  Those cute and innocent babies have . . .  GIRLFRIENDS!

All seemed well in E-Trade Baby Land.  The truth was out.  The time had finally come for the world to accept the E-Trade babies as the diaper-chasing heartthrobs they were.  Unforunately, LINDSAY could not accept the E-Trade babies’ happiness.  (Plus, she was really low on cash, and hadn’t been featured on TMZ in nearly a month!).  So, she did what any red-blooded (and haired) teen star (?) would do.  She slapped those smiling infants with a lawsuit for  . . . 100 Million Dollars!

LINDSAY claimed the E-Trade commercial was all about her.  After all, it did feature a baby named “LINDSAY,” and she WAS a milkaholic, and . . . well, you saw that Got Milk ad!  Those mustaches don’t make themselves . . .

Lindsay Lohan’s version of Temptation Island.

What is interesting about this case (and by “interesting” I mean both ironic and moronic), is that Lohan is not claiming that E-Trade defamed her in the commercial.  In other words, assuming the baby WAS actually supposed to represent Lohan (hahahahahahaha), the “actress” is not asserting that the commercial wrongly implied that she is a slutty bimbo with a drinking problem.  Quite the contrary.  In order for her legal claim to succeed, these things must all be TRUE about Lindsay!

You can’t handle the TRUTH!

The tort that Lohan is alleging that E-Trade violated, arises from California’s Right of Publicity Law (a  favorite among the Hollywood crowd, for obvious reasons).  The law was created on the premise that public figures (actresses, actors, politicians etc.) are lucrative money-making entities in and of themselves, sometimes more so, even, than the products they help to create.  Therefore, if another business profits from using a celebrity’s name or likeness, that celebrity should be entitled to a cut of the profits earned.  (Legal geeks, like me, can find the law, in its entirety, here).

Assuming the California court system doesn’t throw this case out, like the stinky poopy diaper that it is . . .

and this case actually makes it to court, in order for Lohan to win her 100 Million Dollars

she will have to prove that:

(1)  she is a “celebrity” (hahahaha), whose name and likeness is so HOT that merely mentioning it in the media can earn a company millions of dollars;

(2) the “easy,” not-too-bright, alcoholic milkaholic baby shared so many physical and personality characteristics with Lindsay Lohan, that the public automatically ASSUMED that the commercial was about her, and not any of the millions of other LINDSAYS on the planet. 

(Remember what I said about Lindsay having to prove she is a slutty alcoholic bimbo to win this case?  This was what I meant.);

and

(3) BECAUSE the viewing public immediately recognized LINDSAY LOHAN in the advertisement on Super Bowl Sunday, they quickly dropped their beers and hot wings, jumped on the internet, and instantly began spending 100 Million Dollars on E-Trade (since the name “Lindsay Lohan” is obviously synonymous with moral and fiscal responsibility).

I’m quite certain the E-Trade babies are pooping in their pants right now . . .

not because they are scared of the lawsuit, or anything.  They’ve just all really gotta go . . .

All of you law students out there might want to keep an eye on this one.  Dumb is at might seem, I’d be willing to bet you 100 Million Dollars (which I totally don’t have, by the way), that some variation of this case will make a cameo appearance on your Torts or Media Law exam this semester.

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Filed under E-Trade Babies, lawsuit, Lindsay Lohan