Sucking Up is Hard to Do – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Start Me Up”

We feel your pain, Callie!  We didn’t want you involved in a Bad Pregnancy Storyline, either . . .

Sucking up . . . Kissing up . . . Brown nosing . . . Kissing ass . . . whatever term you have for it, it’s a skill!  It might not necessarily be an admirable skill, or an ethical skill, but it is a skill, nonetheless.  “Sucking up” is something that doesn’t come naturally to most people.  For one thing, it involves some serious acting.  And not everyone can be an actor.  But, perhaps, more importantly, sucking up well requires a certain amount of pride swallowing, which NOBODY likes to do . . .

 . . . least of all, a bunch of over-achieving, super smart, and extremely arrogant, doctors!  (Is it any wonder, Seattle Grace is filled with so much HOT AIR?)

Well . . . yes . . . THAT too . . . but I was more referring to this kind of “hot air.”

Like it or not, nearly every single character on this show was forced to swallow a bit of their pride this week.  And not all of them succeeded in doing so . . .

McDreamy Sex, Peeing on Sticks, and Poop-Covered Babies . . .

When the episode begins, Meredith and Derek are seated on the edge of their bed, woefully examining the evidence of their non-pregnancy.  Somewhere inside Meredith’s lower abdomen, her Hostile Uterus is pumping his fist in triumph to the theme song from Rocky . . .

“I am the champion, my friends.  And I’ll keep on fighting ’til the end.”

Rather than suck up her pride, and admit that Hostile Uterus is a worthy contender, Cristina suggests that Meredith “battle” said Uterus, in the same way that little kids “battle” the Boogey Man under their beds:  i.e. “Simply pretend it doesn’t exist, and maybe it will go away!”  Yes, boys and girls, DOCTOR Meredith Grey thought she could beat Hostile Uterus into submission by buying TEN PREGNANCY TESTS, and peeing on ALL OF THEM!

Neonatal Surgeon, Addison Montgomery, does NOT approve . . .

Later, when Meredith complains to Cristina about how gosh darn exhausting it is to pee on sticks all day, Cristina wisely notes that Poop-Covered Babies are much MORE exhausting .  . . “What makes you think my baby will be Poop-Covered?”  Meredith asks, defensively.

Oh, Meredith . . . you have so very much to learn . . .

Meredith’s and McDreamy’s Future McBaby

Oh BABY!

Meredith isn’t the only one failing miserably at swallowing her pride this week.  Arizona, herself, is forced to admit that she (gasp!) has FAULTS, when Callie (1) refuses to forgive her for going to Malawi; and (2) pretty much treats her like crap for the entire episode.  It all starts when Arizona buys out Callie’s subleters overnight, and moves back into the apartment they once shared together. 

 (You’ll notice that this is the second time that Callie has woken up to find that Arizona has been lurking around her home, while she slept.  It’s a little creepy . . . I’m not going to lie.)

After calling her “self-centered,” “selfish,” and a whole bunch of other VERY mean names, Callie decides to REALLY let Arizona know how she feels about her.  “I don’t want to see you.  I don’t want you in my life.  Get your crap out of my apartment.”

Ummm . . . Ouch?

Far from being put off by Callie’s 85,00th rejection of her since she’s returned, the clearly deluded optimistic Arizona remarks to a very embarrassed Mark, who has quietly watched the entire exchange,  “It’s good that she’s mad.  It means she feels something.”

(Oh . . . she feels something, all right.  She feels like she wants to CUT YOU!)

Be afraid, Arizona.  Be VERY AFRAID!

When Arizona explains to Mark that she doesn’t know any of her own flaws (aside from being a workaholic and smoking sometimes, of course), Mark seems more than happy to help her out  . . .

Throughout the course of the episode, while Arizona and Mark argue the merits of putting cadaver bones versus human bones in some teen’s face, so that she can play sports (Don’t ask.  I didn’t really get it either.), Mark tells Arizona that she is patronizing, passive aggressive, stubborn, doesn’t listen, and basically has a whole host of other things that are wrong with her.  (Because, clearly, this was Poop on Arizona Day on Grey’s Anatomy). 

But the biggest FLAW Arizona has, is that she is a “bailer.”  In other words, when the going get tough, the tough get going, and Arizona runs away like a little b*tch.  Well . . . at least that’s what she’s done, up until now . . .

In the final moments of the episode, Arizona conveniently barges in on Callie, as the latter rides on the WORLD’S SLOWEST ELEVATOR.  Speaking of said elevator, it used to be completely void of any artwork, whatsoever.  Now, it conveniently features a conspicous PICTURE OF A BABY . . .

Source

(I haven’t been this creeped out by an image on a wall, since someone told me there was a ghost of some dead kid in the film Three Men and a Baby . . .)

That’s right, kiddies.  Arizona finally apologized for walking out on Callie, declared her love, and begged for forgiveness . . . and Callie . . . well, she told Arizona that she was pregnant with Mark’s baby . . .

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Watch out, Callie!  Lexie’s coming after you for screwing her man.  And she’s armed and dangerous!

Speaking of inappropriate relationships . . .

Teddy is quickly learning that her No Frills Insurance Marriage to Henry Sick Noel from Felicity isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  Two more episodes, and these two will be boning one another.  Mark my words!  For starters, the Chief found out about the couple’s little “arrangement,” and has been totally reaming Teddy a new one, ever since.

CHIEF:  “How dare you marry Noel!  He’s meant to be with Felicity!

TEDDY:  But Felicity ended up with Ben, remember?  They went to med school together.  And then Felicity went back in time, and found out that if she chose Noel, back in college, Noel would have died in that dorm fire.”

CHIEF:  “Went back in time?!  What the heck are you talking about?”

TEDDY:  “I know right?  It was a good show, but it pretty much had the WORST FINALE EVER!”

To further complicate matters, Noel’s tumors are attacking his insides.  And, in the course of a single episode, he needs both his kidney, his dignity, and a good portion of his pancreas removed.  Teddy learns about all of Noel’s complications, at about the same time she learns that he has put her down as his “Emergency Contact” on his insurance forms. 

This kind of pisses Teddy off.  Marriage?  NO PROBLEM!  Emergency contact?  NO EFFING WAY!

“Our vows said, ‘In Sickness and in Health’ . . . ‘Til Death Do Us Part.’  The whole “Emergency Contact” thing was kind of implied in there.  Don’t you think?”

Seeing the obvious distress on Teddy’s face, Noel explains that he is 42-years old.  (NO WAY, NOEL!  You graduated from college in the 00’s.  You’re in your early 30’s, TOPS!)  His parents are dead.  His sister is in Europe, and he’s been too sick to make many friends.  So, Teddy is basically, Noel’s only friend now (Sucks to be him!), hence the “Emergency Contact” thing.   To be honest, it’s kind of a depressing story.  But it ended sweetly, with Teddy and Noel clasping hands in “friendship.”

(But it’s going to be MUCH sweeter when they screw, sometime within the next two episodes . . . Trust me!)

But you know who’s already screwing?  THESE TWO!

Way to GO, BAILEY!  It’s high time the Nazi got some nookie in the on-call room.  (Everyone else on this show has!)  Naughty Nurse Eli is precisely what Bailey needs to lift her out of the funk her character has been in, since The Shooting . . .  I hope they continue to go at it like bunnies . . .

 . . . for a VERY LONG TIME! 

(The more often they do it, the more likely it is that we will get to see Daniel Sunjata NAKED!  The way I see it, it’s a win-win!) 

In other news . . .

The Race for Chief Resident is ON (like Donkey Kong!)

The fourth year residents were SUPPOSED to be kissing the asses of the First-Year Med Students, who were at Seattle Grace on a “field trip” this week.  Doing this would impress upon the Chief that they were “Chief Resident Material.”  But, as I said earlier, the Seattle Graces docs don’t kiss ass all that well.  So, their competition basically  erupted into a game of Abuse the Special Guest Star Student.

Sloan drew on this poor guy’s head with permanent marker . . .

Evil Warren from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (who has apparently taken a break from World Domination and Creating Robot Girlfriends, in order to attend Med School), accidentally made Cristina (who’s TOTALLY back to her hardcore self, by the way) look bad, by undermining her authority to the Chief, and spilling the beans to a patient about his dire medical condtion.  So, she got back at him, by nearly shoving his head inside a gross tumor, and making him faint . . .

Avery bodily pushed Johan Hill’s Twin Brother (Seriously!  The resemblance is uncanny.) out of EVERY surgery, in which he was involved.   He then pouted when Jonah Hill 2.0 conveniently offered up information that saved a patient’s life at the last minute . . .

This chick had the gall to try to make friends with Meredith, and TEXT her boyfriend, while inside the hospital.  So Meredith totally b*tched her out.

Out of all the Special Guest Stars First Year Med Students, Ashleigh from Greek fared the best, by far, because she got to screw Alex Karev . . .

Having heard it directly from the Chief, we all KNOW that Ashleigh gave Karev a good review, for “Playing Doctor” with her at Seattle Grace.  (Alex was the only resident who “aced” his first “Race to Chief Challenge,” as a result.  Everybody else BOMBED IT!) 

However, we can only guess as to what she told Casey and her friends at the ZBZ house, upon arriving back home . . .

An Interesting Casting Note:  Fans of the show Greek, might recall, that for a few episodes at least, Ashleigh and Casey fought over which of them would be the first to bed a mysterious man, known to them only as “The Hotness Monster.”  And I bet you will never guess who played the Hotness Monster on the show . . .

It’s DOCTOR AVERY!

Talk about your coincidences, right?  It really is a shame that Ashleigh and Avery didn’t get to hook up!  (Not only would Greek fans have gotten a kick out of it, it also would have been REALLY HOT!)  Clearly, Shondra Rhimes is saving Avery’s virtue for ME!  That’s the only possible explanation as to why she’s been keeping the Hotness Monster (now Dr. Hotness), as celibate as MONK for OVER TWO SEASONS!  (Not that I’m complaining. ;))

Speaking of screwing, the episode ended up Meredith and Derek “practicing” their Mad Baby-Making Skills . . .

Take THAT, Hostile Uterus!

“I’ll get you My Pretty, and your little McWeiner too!”

[www.juliekushner.com]

Welcome Back, Grey’s! (AND DOCTOR YANG!) – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Disarm”

The Dark and Twisty Sisters with Scalpels — Reunited, and it feels SO GOOD!

Welcome back, my fellow Greysies!  Man, I missed you!  I missed THIS SHOW!  I missed all the sexy . . . and all the SEX . . . and all the nakedness . . .

Never . . . gets . . . old.

I missed all the snappy one liners . . . and the tears I inevitably shed, during EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. 

Note:  That is not ME, crying . . . just in case you got confused there.

But most of all, I missed MY CRISTINA YANG!  The real one . . . not the troubled zombie-esque doppelganger with whom we have spent the first half of the season.  Well, let me tell you something . . . CRISTINA’S BACK, BABY!

You all know who we have to thank for that, right?

Nope.

Guess again!

“You’re welcome.”

(Man, if we knew all it would take to snap Cristina out of her funk, was having her holding a smelly fish for ten seconds, we would have given her one a LOOOOOOOOONG time ago!)

But I’m getting off track . . . So, let’s get on with the recap, OK?

Three Sex Scenes for the Price of ONE!

Say what you want about the Grey’s writers.  But they SURE do know their audience!  After a month of Grey’s sex withdrawal, our pals at Seattle Grace rewarded our patience, with not one, not two, but THREE sex scenes, within the first TWO MINUTES of the episode!  How’s THAT for ambitious?  I mean, I’ve seen pornos with less action than that . . .

“Oh, Mr. Pizza Delivery Man!  Your MEATBALLS are the biggest in town!”

And we aren’t talking plain old vanilla sex, either.  Take our first couple, Meredith and Derek, for instance.  They start the episode fighting over Cristina’s “healing process.”  But just when it looks like Derek might win the fight, Meredith goes in for a sucker punch.  “I’m ovulating,” she tells him. 

“Ugggggghhhhh,” replies Derek, rolling his eyes like a petulant teen, as he reluctantly takes off his boxers under the blankets.  (You would think his wife just asked him to clean the toilet, or something!)

Given his SUPER enthusiastic response, Meredith is faced with the near impossible challenge of pretending she DOESN’T want to have sex with PATRICK DEMPSEY, in order to preserve her dignity!  “I can’t even look at you, right now,” Meredith fibs.

“Fine!  Then turn over,” retorts Derek.

And under the covers they both go . . .

“Who has two hands, and just had Doggy Style Sex on prime time television.  THIS GIRL!”

Unfortunately, due to those pesky censors, ABC wasn’t able to show us the actual MerDer sex footage.  BUT I CAN!  Wanna see?

Our second sex scene belonged to a decidedly FORWARD FACING Owen and Cristina.  (I posted their “money shots” above, for your viewing pleasure.)  Unlike Meredith and Derek, Owen and Cristina didn’t screw like dogs . . . more like bunnies . . .

Apparently, holding a fish for ten seconds, not only cures PTSD and depression, it also does wonders for your SEX LIFE!   Cristina is just basking in the glow of fish sex with Owen — so much so that she decides to spend the day sightseeing!  Owen would love to come (See what I did there?).  However, he has a JOB to do, and a faux wedding to witness (more on that later) . . .

We cut to Sloan and Lexie doing it.  Like the two couples before them, they exchanged some cuddles and post-coital talk, after doing the deed.  But honestly, I can’t remember a word of what they said, as I was completely mesmerized by Eric Dane’s massive arm muscles, at the time . . .

But you know who WASN’T having sex?  Callie!

Nope . . . not even THAT kind of sex . . .

If you recall, at the end of the last episode, Arizona returned to the U.S. to be with Callie.  And a VERY PISSED OFF Callie slammed the door in her face.  So, you can imagine Callie’s surprise, when she stomped out of her apartment the following morning to find Arizona STILL THERE!  Apparently, girlfriend woke up early, got some coffee, and resumed her vigil outside Callie’s home.  “Go back to Malawi,” Callie tells the former love of her life coldly, as she walks right past her.

“Ummm . . . OK . . . but can you let me in your apartment first?  That frappuccino made me really have to pee.”

In other, “not getting laid” news, Teddy was awkwardly waiting at court to marry her new Husband for Medical Insurance Purposes, Noel from Felcity.  (I’m sure he has another name on this show.  I just refuse to acknowledge it, because he will forever be NOEL to me . . .)

“So . . . Noel . . . do you like scary movies?”

Owen arrives as the necessary Wedding Witness. (This made me feel kind of sad for Noel, who apparently had no friends to ask, which is strange, because I know Felicity totally would have come!)  After he chastizes Teddy a bit about the obvious dangers of marrying the killer from Scream 3, Owen reluctantly does his part in the impromptu ceremony.  Far from your typical bridezilla, a harried Teddy rushes the officiant to hurry up the wedding proceedings, so she can go to work.

“Can you tell me how to get to the Space Needle,  Mini McDreamy?”

While her husband is busy witnessing a sham wedding, Cristina heads off to sight see.  She finds this super hot bike rider — who looks like a clone of  how Patrick Dempsey probably looked about ten years ago — and asks him for directions to the Space Needle.  “First time in Seattle, eh?”  He flirts.

(It’s OK, Cristina.  I’ve lived right outside New York City all my life, and NEVER been inside the Empire State Building.  Landmarks are for tourists, DAMMIT!)

“Ummm . . . OK,” Cristina deadpans, knowing full well, that if this was a romantic comedy, she would have immediately started babbling on about her whole traumatic experience to this stranger.  (They then would have undoubtedly fallen in love.  And then, at the end of the movie, he would have proposed to her . . . at the top of the Space Needle, of course!)

Sleepless in Seattle Grace — Coming soon to a theater near you!

Mini McDreamy kindly directs Cristina to the Space Needle.  However, when a series of ambulences pass by the pair, sirens wailing, she follows them instead.  Poor Mini Mac watches her go, dumbfounded, because he has clearly stepped onto the wrong show . . .

As it turns out, there was a massive shooting at a local college.  Cristina comes on the scene, just as one of the injured is taken into an ambulance.  “You need to crack his chest,” she yells instinctively at the EMT’s hovering over the stretcher . . .

“You’ve been replaced.”

Back at the hospital, Arizona Robbins is officially having the WORST DAY EVER!  For one thing, she’s majorly jetlagged.  For another, her girlfriend won’t take her back.  Callie never even let her PEE at the apartment.   Then Chief Webber tells her she can’t have her old job back, because that Super Douche Dr. Stark has replaced her as Head of Pediatrics.  But in a few moments, both Arizona and Dr. Webber will have much more important things to worry about than Arizona’s relationship and employment status . . .

Deja Vu . . .

In the lobby of the hospital, we find the entire Seattle Grace staff huddled around a television, sobbing.  News has just broken about the campus shooting at the local college.  An indeterminate number of students and faculty have been injured, and they are headed to Seattle Grace for treatment. 

Like a general preparing his troops for battle, Chief Webber delivers a solemn and inspirational speech to his tearful and highly emotional staff, as they await the arrival of the ambulances.  His speech was so touching and powerful, it brought tears to my eyes, when I heard it during the episode promo.  It brought tears to them again, during the episode itself.  And it made me cry a third time, when I rewatched the promo to get them all down on paper to use in this recap. 

Here’s what he said:  “We are going to have feelings today, and there is no shame in that.  What we went through six months ago, is what they are going through right now, which makes them our brothers and sisters.”

As the ambulences arrive, we are introduced, one-by-one, to the patients that will be the focus of the episode.  The first is a 15-year old certified genius, who has been shot in the stomach and leg.  The second is a professor, who has fallen from a four-story window, while trying to help his students escape. 

The third is a policeman who disarmed the shooter, but was shot himself, in the process.  In the ambulence with that victim was the police chief who royally effed up the handling of the Seattle Grace shooting, six months prior.  (Remember, how many times those Keystone cops of his had that nutjob in their sights, and let him get AWAY?)

Police Chief FAIL!

But, in all seriousness, it was hard to hate on the Police Chief, when he seemed so genuinely concerned as to the well-being of the younger cop.  In addition to his obviously having a fatherly type relationship with this policeman, the Police Chief has other reasons for wanting his employee to survive this accident.  Apparently, this patient is the only one who will actually be able to identify the Shooter . . .

And yet, it’s the inhabitants of the  fourth ambulence, that really cause all the fans mouths to drop open . . .

Remember that guy who Cristina witnessed being carried into the ambulence, during the first few moments of the episode?  Well, as it turns out, she didn’t just TELL the EMTs to crack his chest.  She did it for them! 

Since Cristina’s hands are inside the patient’s body cavity, Teddy, who will be the lead attending on the surgery, allows her former protege to participate in the operation.  But just in case Doppelganger Zombie Cristina rears her ugly head again, Teddy wisely requests that Dr. Avery scrub in as well . . .

“All State, BABY!”

The mood of the episode, lightens just a bit, as we are taken inside another OR, where Douchebag Stark and Karev are operating on the 15-year old prodigy.  Psycho Stark seems absolutely intent on sawing off the poor teen’s leg!  He claims this is because she has other life threatening injuries.  This is despite the fact that the other unnamed doctor on the scene, informs Stark that these other injuries are under control . . .

Ummm .  . . Dr. Giggles?  Just because you are operating on a minor, doesn’t mean you should treat surgery like a game of Operation . . .

“But the game told me to remove the LEG BONE!  If I don’t remove it, I’LL LOSE!”

Karev knows there is a way to save the girl’s leg, without causing her any additional medical harm; and he tells Stark as much.  But Dr. Giggles blows him off.  Fortunately, Arizona is watching the event from the cheap seats, and sides with Karev.  An affronted Dr. Giggles pouts, and calls Arizona unprofessional, telling her she no longer has any authority at this hospital.  “Body block him, Karev,” shouts Arizona, as she dashes off to get scrub-in approval. 

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As Karev continues his standoff with the squirrelly Dr. Giggles, Arizona commandeers Callie to help with the surgery . .  .

When Callie hears Karev’s side of the story, she immediately kicks Dr. Giggles out of the OR, and takes over.  “In this hospital, we take shootings, very personally,” explains Callie. 

Once Giggles is gone, Callie sends a triumphant Karev to help other patients in need.  “Yesssss, that’s cool!  My work here is done.  ALL STATE, BABY!”  He shouts, pumping his fist, as he struts out of the OR, in true Alpha Male Frat Boy Fashion.  (LOVE HIM!)

Meanwhile Sniveling Dr. Giggles whines to Dr. Webber about being kicked out of his OWN OR . . .

But Webber (who was TOTALLY my hero this week, by the way), absolutely OWNED the bastard, by shutting him up for good, with THIS gem of a line, “Go be a DOCTOR!  People are DYING!  GO SAVE A LIFE, NOWWWW!”

Back in the OR, Arizona was taking advantage of her Captive Audience Surgical Moment with Callie, to grovel her way back into Callie’s Pretty Pink Pantalones.  Callie DEFINITELY wasn’t having it . . .  But you know what she WAS having?  REALLY HUGE HOOP EARRINGS . . .

OK . . . maybe I was exaggerating their size just a bit.  But was I the only one bothered by this?  I mean, I know how often I lose MY hoop earrings!  So, if my body is lying on an operating table, chopped in HALF, I sure as heck don’t want my doctor wearing those, while she’s sewing me back up.  The only hoops I want in my body cavity are the ones that were there to begin with!  Just sayin’ . . .

Anyway, Callie and Arizona ended up saving the prodigy’s leg.  Their relationship?  Not so much . . . When Arizona tells Callie that she “loves her” and “crossed the whole world to be with her,” Callie retorts with, “There are two of us in this relationship . . . you came back, but I didn’t.” 

It was harsh moment for the pair, but one bursting with truth and revelations from both parties.   To be honest, I’m not quite sure who’s side I’m on here.  I sort of feel bad for both of them.  Am I the only one?

“I was the wife in that waiting room.”

Speaking of surgical relationship squabbles, Meredith and Derek were having one of their own, as they performed brain surgery on the professor who fell from the four-story window.  Meredith kept excusing herself to update the patient’s wife on his progress. 

 This deeply annoyed Derek, who saw the repeated interruptions as an unnecessary hinderance to the surgical procedure.  “Since when are you more interested in updating the wife in the waiting room, than doing this?”  Derek inquires coldly.

“Since I was the wife in the waiting room!”  Meredith exclaims.  “You and Cristina are so busy supporting eachother.  Have you even noticed that I went through a trauma too?”

Meredith reminds Derek that being “the wife in the waiting room,” was so traumatic to her, six months ago that she came into the OR, and asked that The Shooter take her life instead of Derek’s.  Meredith’s speech touches Derek at his core.   Finally, he understands the extent of what his wife has endured.  Derek is so overwhelmed with emotion, that he must take a moment to collect his thoughts, before continuing on with the surgery.

Outside in the lobby, Meredith leads the Professor’s wife and other patient’s family members to the center of the hospital (where the Seattle Grace Shooting took place, by the way).  From there, the family members can see the hospital parking lot, where thousands of college students are standing together holding candles, and singing their school’s alma mater.  (Oh yeah . . . this scene made me cry too . . .just in case there was any doubt.)

Though it was not without its complications, the professor’s surgery is a success.  So elated is the Professor’s Wife with this news that she gives Derek a big hug!  Later, Derek embraces Meredith, in a sweet apology, for his douchiness to her throughout the episode.  “You’ve been holding everyone up all along.  You amaze me,” he whispers in her ear.

Derek has some additional good news for Meredith.   Cristina is PERFORMING SURGERY AGAIN!

Getting Closure . . .

Although Cristina’s story of catharsis and healing was undoubtedly the most significant of the episode, it was far from the only one.  Other characters were also able to obtain peace and closure, as a result of this second tragic, but ultimately triumphant event.  For Bailey, this came from her being able to save a young man named Chuck from dying of a wound that was startlingly similar to the one Charles Percy suffered during the Seattle Grace shooting . . .

So, overwhelmed with emotion is Bailey, by the obvious similarities between the two patients and their conditions, that she repeatedly calls this new patient “Charles” instead of “Chuck.”  Charles Percy may have died, but Chuck will hopefully lead a long life, thanks to Bailey’s strength and perseverence . . .

April . . .

. . . who was undoubtedly still experiencing some feelings of guilt over the way she froze — and was generally unable to act — during the Seattle Grace Shooting, was given the opportunity to take charge of this situation.  When all the ORs in the hospital were booked, Owen assigned April to run an improptu trauma center in the hospital.  Because we ALL remember how kick ass she was in trauma training, right?

Well, apparently, she kicks ass at it in real life too, as she showed us this week!  This just proves, once again that April Kepner is TOTALLY the New George O’Malley, both in terms of social awkwardness, and trauma prowess . . .

R.I.P. O’Malley!

During the Seattle Grace Shooting, Lexie and Sloan operated on a very wounded Alex, using only the bare minimum of surgical tools that were available to them.  When faced with virtually the same situation once again, Mark made sure to allow Lexie to do the surgical cutting, so that she could prove to herself that she was capable of doing so a second time.  Toward the end of the episode, a grateful Lexie tells Mark she loves him.  He’s obviously thrilled!

I predict MANY more hours of bunny sex in this couple’s future . . .

“Your Patient is the Shooter.”

When the policeman finally awakens, and offers a description of the shooter, we learn, much to our chagrin, that it is the patient on which Teddy, Yang, and Avery are currently operating.  Floored by the notion that the three of them will be “wasting” an excessive amount of hospital resources — which could be used on other patients– to save the life of the person who caused all the casualties, in the first place, Avery storms out of the OR . . .  (He does that A LOT, doesn’t he?)

Teddy thanks Cristina for staying to complete the surgery.  “I know it can’t have been an easy decision,” says the Cardio God. 

“You know what, though?  It was,” explains Cristina thoughtfully!

(Can I just reiterate how ELATED I am that our girl is back?)

As for Avery, he somewhat softens his position on whether the hospital should expend resources on saving the shooter’s life, when he hears Alex talk of his schizophrenic brother trying to shoot his sister.  “If he got hurt doing it, I’d want the doctors to do everything they could to save his life.  No matter what, he’s still my brother,” Alex explains.

I know he’s a MAJOR ass, sometimes, but I’m still in love with Alex Karev . . .

Avery takes Alex’s words to heart, when he comforts the mother of the Shooter, by gently explaining to her that her son is still alive, and all efforts are being taken to save him . . .

I know he’s a MAJOR ass sometimes, but I’m still in love with Jackson Avery too!  (Notice a pattern here?)

As the rest of the staff wrap up their surgeries, the doctors come to watch Cristina and Teddy finish operating on the Shooter . . .

As they watch, Webber explains to them, that of the 26 patients that were brought to the hospital, as a result of this second shooting, there were NO casualties.  Upon hearing this, the whole staff immediately erupts into tears that are a mixture of happiness for the triumphs of the day, and despair for the losses of six months prior.  Shortly thereafter, they all start LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY, in order to obtain a much needed cathartic emotional release after an unbearably stressful.  Dr. Stark, however, is NOT amused . . .

“I HATE THIS PLACE,”  he whines, storming out as the rest of the staff continues to chuckle at his expense. 

The “fun” continues, when Dr. Webber tells Arizona that he was lying to her before.  She CAN come back to Seattle Grace .  . . provided she works under Dr. Stark.  The look on Arizona’s face when he gives her the news is PRICELESS!

“Webber say WHAT?”

After the final surgery of the day, an exhausted Teddy reluctantly heads to Joe’s Bar (which is the only bar in Seattle, apparently), to fill out medical insurance paper work with her new husband, Noel Crane . . .

But Noel, ever the charmer, convinces her to share a celebratory drink with him first.  “You saved MY life today,” he explains sweetly, “and that deserves a toast.”

(OK . . . so I’m going to give these two three episodes tops, before they are doing the horizontal mambo together.  Anyone care to wager with me?)

But the best scene of all came at the very end of the episode, when best friends Cristina and Meredith — both clad in scrubs (as they SHOULD BE!) — reunited, after taking a LONG and very PAINFUL break from one another.

“Wanna get a drink?”  Cristina asks congenially, as if no time or recriminations have passed between them at all.”

“Yeah . . . but not a real drink, since I’m trying to get pregnant.  And I read that drinking when your pregnant results in your baby having three heads, and sixteen toes,” replies Meredith conversationally.

“How about some crack cocaine then?”  Cristina retorts, as the pair walk off into the night together, and the screen fades to black. 

Yep . . . Meredith and Cristina . . . still dark and twisty after all these years . . .

Well, that’s all she wrote, Greysies!  Be sure to tune in next week, to watch Bailey get some LONG OVERDUE sex action from THIS GUY!

Is it Thursday yet?

[www.juliekushner.com]

Fishing, Fistulas and Fake Marriages – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Adrift and at Peace”

Cristina really wanted to catch a fish.  So, Derek threw one at her . . .

This week’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy featured two marriage proposals, two (sort of) couple reunions, two hot new cast members, and one REALLY BIG FISH!

Not bad for a single hour of television, right?  Let’s recap!

 There’s No CRYING in Fishing!

When the episode opens, Meredith is nagging Derek about his decision to take Cristina fishing, on his day off.  While Meredith might very well be concerned about Cristina’s emotional state, her PTSD, how gosh darn frustrating and annoying her character has become since The Shooting, and her sudden inability to practice medicine, she seems most worried about Cristina’s bodily functions.  “There’s no bathroom,” whines Meredith.

Clearly, in addition to all the other things PTSD has done to Cristina, it has also made her incontinent . . .

Don’t leave home without them . . .

Ignoring Meredith’s plaintive potty pleas, Derek takes Cristina out on the lake for an exciting afternoon of sitting in a boat and stroking poles.  Cristina tries to impress Derek with all of her newly acquired fishing knowledge.  But Derek basically tells her to shut the hell up.

“Be quiet, or I will CUT YOU!  I’ve done time in the pokey, you know . . .”

Then Cristina catches a BIG FISH . . .

 . . . which makes her cry . . .

“I just pooped in my pants.”

 . . . and makes Derek smile.

“Haha, Owen has to sleep with Poopy Pants tonight!”

Luckily, the moment was captured on camera!

Because, who wouldn’t want to remember a thing like that?  (ME!)

Apparently, Cristina’s dramatic tears are supposed to represent progress in her “Journey Back to Mental Health” or something . . . At least, that’s what Meredith and Derek think . . .

Then again, they aren’t the ones who have to sleep with Poopy Pants . . .

“Thanks a lot, A$$holes!”

Speaking of A$$holes . . .

Wanna Play the Blame Game?

Meredith and Owen have been bickering like an old married couple, because Meredith thinks Owen is “letting Cristina fall apart, and doing nothing about it” (which he is).  And Owen thinks Meredith is a “reckless suicidal wackadoo, who asked a psychotic gunman to shoot her” (which she also is).  Owen even goes so far as to kick Meredith out of his ER!  There is obviously some angry sexual tension here.  But if the writers of this show ever make Meredith and Owen cheat on their respective spouses, and hookup, I will be SUPER PISSED! 

Just sayin’ . . .

Sex with you makes me sad!

Do I have to break out the Rubber Duckie again?

If there was a book of things you should never say to your lover . . .

 . . . “Sex with you makes me sad,” would be on the first page . . . and “while I’m having sex with you, I think about [insert name here] would be on the second.  Nevertheless, these are the words Callie and Sloan exchange with one another, after a morning of sharing hot showers.  After, Callie kicks Sloan out of the shower . . .

 . . . and he “recovers” . . .

 . . . Dr. McSteamy becomes determined to win back Lexie, a girl who doesn’t get sad from screwing him.  First, Sloan does Lexie a sexual medical favor, in exchange for her agreeing to get a drink with him at Joe’s.  Lexie doesn’t really want to go out with Sloan.  So, she tells Avery to interrupt the date, and make an excuse as to why she must leave.

(Unfortunately, Avery was dressed at the time . . .)

Then, Sloan chats with a patient, who started to date her now-husband, because he kissed her while “bowling” ( not a sexual euphemism, sadly), and was a “Really Good Kisser.”

So, when Lexie arrives at the bar, and starts babbling on-and-on about why she can’t date Mark again, he does this .  . .

And, suddenly, Lexie is in luuuuuuuuuuuve again.  Then, Avery arrives . . .

Sorry, Avery!  It looks like you’re stuck with me! 🙂

Eat My Door, Arizona!

“And no, that is NOT a euphemism for sexual favors either . . .”

Callie’s still feeling like crap this week, because her girlfriend, Arizona, dumped her for Africa.  And because she wants to let everyone know that she’s “Still Awesome,” Callie commandeers Alex to help her perform a new non-invasive type of hip surgery on a patient, who has a majorly annoying wife . . .

Alex and Callie rock the surgery . . .

But Alex still wants to specialize in Pediatrics.  So, he turns down Callie’s offer to train him as a Bone Specialist.

Callie:  “Why are doctors who like kids always dumping my ass?”

Speaking of doctors who like kids and dump Callie’s ass, Arizona shows up at Callie’s door toward the end of the episode.  But, rather than apologize for breaking her heart and leaving her ass that the airport, Arizona just tells Callie she missed her a lot, and decided to leave Africa, because not having sex with Callie “made her sad.”

“That’s all you’ve got to say for yourself, B*tch?”

So, Callie slams the door in Arizona’s face, and goes back to rubbing her duckie . . . solo . . .

Marry Me, Noel Crane!

“What will Felicity say?”

Nice Guy, Noel Crane from that old show Felicity has a pretty bad tumor, and has maxed out his health insurance  .  . .

So, he asks his girlfriend, who is NOT named Felicity, to marry him, so that he can get her PPO.  (That’s not a sexual euphemism either . . . sorry!)  NotFelicity ultimately turns Noel Crane down because she is a heinous b*tch. 

Teddy, who is feeling kind of crappy about the whole “Cristina has PTSD” thing, and recognizes that her own character has been generally unlikeable for quite some time now tries to get the hospital to take on Noel Crane’s treatment pro bono.

But THIS GUY says “NO.”

“You can hate me if you want, but I’ve got my SAG card now . . . and no one is taking that away from me.”

So, Teddy asks Noel Crane to marry her and use her health insurance.  Noel Crane says “Yes” . . .

(Somewhere in TV Land, Felicity Porter is crying her eyes out . . .)

“This is worse than the time I got that bad haircut, and everyone stopped watching my show . . .”

In other, New Hot Cast Member news . . .

Greetings, Nurse Panty Dropper!

Making sponge baths fun for TWELVE YEARS!

Bailey is still obsessed with fistulas, ever since Mandy Moore croaked from them . . .

 (well . . . not really . . . but on this show she did!).  Now, Bailey’s got her residents investigating various ways to prevent fistulas.  But they are taking WAY too long in doing so.  So, Bailey gets an idea . . .

After seeing how awed the residents are by watching Bailey extract a gallbladder through a patient’s mouth . . .

 . . . Bailey asks Lexie if she would like the opportunity to do the same thing on her own.  Lexie says she wants it about as much as she used to want a pony when she was a kid . . . In other words, she wants it A LOT!  April (who now has a new hair color, which makes her look like kind of like those old Strawberry Shortcake dolls) . . .

 . . . brags that she worked hard when she was a kid, and actually got herself a pony . . .

April’s Little Pony

Anyway, Bailey tells her “pony-loving” Fistula Research Crew that the resident who’s patient doesn’t get fistulas will win the opportunity to pull a gallbladder out of somebody’s mouth . . .

But NONE of the residents can prevent the fistulas!  You know who DOES prevent the fistulas though?  THIS GUY . . .

I’m talking about hot half naked guy on the left with the BIG Hose!  (Unfortunately, he was dressed at the time . . .)

When Bailey asks Nurse Panty Dropper (that’s my new name for the dude pictured above), why he insisted on removing a patient’s “tube,” despite Lexie’s request that he leave it in for two more days, Nurse Panty Dropper replies that he is not just a “Pretty Face” he is a Majorly Hot Body too!  In fact, Nurse Panty Dropper has been removing tubes from patients for twelve years, and they never got fistulas. 

In other words, “Butt Out, BAILEY!  I’ve got this sh*t under control!”

Upon reviewing Nurse Panty Dropper’s records, Bailey learns that he ALWAYS removes the tube in question after THREE DAYS, instead of FIVE.  And it is this early tube removal that apparently prevents fistulas.  GO FIGURE!

Bailey is very happy!

“I CURED FISTULAS!”  She shouts triumphantly, interrupting the Chief’s board meeting to share the happy news.  (Ummmm . . . actually Bailey, Nurse Panty Dropper cured fistulas, you just kind of watched . . .)

Bailey is so thankful for Nurse Panty Dropper and his Hot Bod of Sin miraculous medical techniques, that when he asks her out on a date, she says, “OK . . . because you gave me Day 3.”

“And because I’m very handsome,” adds Nurse Panty Dropper.

Bailey nods shyly at Nurse Panty Dropper’s assessment.  Then she butt wiggles away, so he can get a nice shot of her rearview.  And why the heck not?  She’s just had the BEST DAY EVER!

Well, that was “Adrift and at Peace” in a nutshell.  And . . . since there are no new episodes of Grey’s Anatomy until January . . .

 . . . I leave you with this promo, to wet your whistle for what’s to come . . .

See you next year!

[www.juliekushner.com]

When the going gets tough, the tough get WASTED! – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Slow Night, So Long”

For me, tonight’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy was all about friendship.  After all, EVERYBODY needs friends!  Friends are the people who will quietly support you, when you need it most . . .

They will not judge you for making mistakes, but are still there to pick up the pieces, after the damage has been done.

Friends are willing to misbehave with you . .  . especially, when that misbehavior is for a good cause.

They will hold your hair back for you, when you puke . . .

And sometimes . . . just sometimes . . . your friends will give you the Best F*&k of Your LIFE!

So, without further adieu, let’s reconnect with some friends, throw back a few shots, and settle in for a “Slow Night, So Long.”

Cristina Gets a New Job, and the Seattle Grace Attendings Get a NIGHT LIFE!

If you’re like me, you might have often wondered how, throughout seven seasons of Grey’s Anatomy, the main cast never ONCE seemed to work different shifts from one another.  Initially, I figured that either one of two things was occurring: (1) the cast all worked at the hospital for 23.5 hours (The last half an hour was always spent either at Meredith’s house, or at Joe’s bar.); or (2) at 7 p.m. sharp, the ENTIRE cast left Seattle Grace; at which point, the hospital was immediately overrun by  . . . UGLY DOCTORS. 

The HORROR!

This week’s installment of Grey’s Anatomy provided me with a third, more rational, rational explanation.  It appears that, on occasion, the staff at Seattle Grace does work alternating shifts.  We just don’t often get to see it . . .

On this particular night, all the attendings were off duty, having worked the Day Shift.  So while the “Adults” headed to Joe’s Bar to drink some “Early Onset Alzheimers” shots, and get nice and sh*tfaced . . .

 . . . the “Kids” (i.e. the residents) were forced to put in some serious time at the hospital.

Upon arriving at Joe’s bar, the attendings quickly learned that Joe had hired a new bartender . . . one who has clearly never been to a frat party, or tapped a keg before.

“When Owen asked Cristina to ‘Give Him Head,’ this wasn’t exactly what he had in mind . . .”

 
Do you remember when a newly PTSD’ed Cristina asked Owen if he would still love her, if she was a plumber?

I wonder if his answer applied to “bartender,” as well . . .

It was nice seeing Seattle Grace’s typically “serious” attendings let their hair down for once.  I liked seeing a very tipsy Bailey talk about relationships, and how important it was for her to find a man who “knew about fistulas.”

Fistula?  I barely know ya!

And I cringed at Teddy’s exploits with online dating . . .

Match.conned

And yet, while the older doctors were knocking back a few drinks and marveling at Cristina Yang’s superb bartending skills (or lack thereof), there was work to be done at the hospital . . .

Alex Karev is a Peds GOD /  Dr. Stark is a Peds AssHat

“Hey!  I resemble that remark.”

Last week, Alex and April had to suffer the terror that was working with the EEEEEEVVVILLL Doctor Stark.  Now it is Meredith’s turn.  While Stark is out enjoying a nice dinner, Meredith is coping with a young patient, who is experiencing severe stomach pains.  The patient’s mother, who is a nurse at Seattle Grace, knows from personal experience that these type of pains aren’t normal, following the procedure the child just underwent.  So, she requests that Meredith contact Dr. Stark ASAP.

However, when Dr. Stark does arrive, he explains away the pains the child is experiencing, as being due to “gas.”  Honestly, it’s not all that surprising that a windbag like Stark would make such a flippant diagnosis — especially, given his unofficial middle name.

And yet, after Dr. Stark leaves, the child’s pains continue.  So, Meredith decides to run some tests on the child to definitively rule out “gas,” before calling Stark again.  The only problem is the lab technician is backed up, and isn’t able to get the results back to Meredith in a timely fashion.   So, the patient’s mother rats Meredith out to the Chief.

“What you talkin’ about Meredith?”

Fortunately, for the young patient, the Chief rips the technician a new one.  And, VOILA!  The test results become immediately available.  “That’s how you get things done at night!”  The Chief exclaims triumphantly.

Unfortunately, however, the test results show the child needs surgery.   And Dr. Stark, of course, cannot or will not answer his phone.  So, Meredith wisely consults with New Peds GOD, Alex on the case . . .

Alex Karev – King of the Tiny Humans!

So, together, Alex and Meredith assemble their OWN OR Team, and conduct surgery on the child BY THEMSELVES! (“Because that’s how you get things done at night!”)  The surgery ends up going swimmingly, of course.  And the Chief swells with the prides of knowing that his “kids have grown up.”

The Big Guy even has it in him to laugh hysterically at Dr. Douche, as the latter reams Meredith and Alex a new one, for having the NERVE to perform a surgery on their own, without waiting for him to swoop in, and take credit for their hard work , like he did last time . . .

“And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for THOSE DARN KIDS!”

On Drunk Dialing, and Taking that “Maiden Voyage”

“Does EVERYBODY on this show know I’m a virgin?  Now, I’m NEVER going to get LAID!”

Poor April!  It’s bad enough she has to live with Alex, and see him EVERY day, after the couple’s Botched Sex Attempt.  Now, it seems she’s being bombared with talk of happy couples, at every turn!  It all starts with her encountering a pair of Teens in Love, who have Krazy Glued their arms together, upon hearing that the boy’s family is about to move to a different state.

Just because it’s called Krazy Glue, doesn’t mean you have to use it to do  “Crazy Things.”

Having obviously had no experience in these sort of manners, April has no idea how to “unstick” the “happy couple.”  She seeks the suggestions of her colleagues (well . . . except  forAlex), and tries multiple solutions, but to no avail.  But leave it to a drunken Bailey to save the day!  “Just mix a little soap and warm water in with the Acetone,” slurs Bailey matter-of-factly.  “Works like a charm.”

“You may not know this, but I was quite Freaky Deaky, in my day.”

Later, while April is caring for an enebriated Bailey, and trying to keep her from “drunk dialing” her ex . . .

“You’d drunk dial too, if this man had screwed YOU!”

. . . Bailey decides that “medical” advice is not the only thing that April needs, she needs relationship advice too.  “You are a virgin,” Bailey reminds an embarrassed April for about the 500th time this season.  “And Alex Karev is not the boy you want to take your Maiden Voyage with.”

(Maiden Voyage, huh?  Is that what the cool kids are calling it nowadays?)

 That’s so very true, Bailey.  After all, a “Maiden Voyage” with Alex is like a “Maiden Voyage” on the Titanic.   And we all know how THAT ended . . .

OOPS!

An uninhibited Bailey goes on to wax nostalgic about her past relationship with Ben “the Gas Man,” how strongly she felt for him, and what a ROCKSTAR he was in the sack.  Bailey assures April that she too will one day find some one who she loves enough to “be glued to” forever.  

Of course, this is Grey’s Anatomy we are talking about here.  So, I suspect Bailey is correct in her assessment of April. 

And yet, based on what I’ve read, a new love interest is in store for Bailey as well . . . 

Well, hello there, Mr. Daniel Sunjata.  I look forward to getting to know YOU better VERY SOON . . .

Well . . . that’s definitely a start!

Speaking of Men Who Look Good With Their Shirts Off . . .

Mark Sloan — Callie’s “new roommate,” since her breakup with Arizona — has been encouraging Callie to cope with her breakup, by indulging in some “Sexual Sorbet.”

Is that a banana in your sherbert, or are you just happy to see me?

Deciding to take her best friend’s advice, at Joe’s Bar, Callie approaches a woman, who has been eyeing her all night . . .

Unfortunately, the woman in question ended up only being interested in Callie’s hair style, not her body. 

So, when a vulnerable and toasted Callie arrives home that night, she gets herself the next best thing to Sexual Sorbet . . .

A Banana Surprise!

Speaking of OTHER Men Who Look Good With Their Shirts Off . . .

With the exception of a brief shot of Avery waking up from Night Terrors, during the opening moments of the episode, Dr. Hotness kept his clothes on for most of the hour . . .

However, he DID almost single-handedly save the life of one of a pair of brothers, who, brilliantly tried to “out drive” an oncoming train. He also made some headway toward a new relationship with his crush Lexie.

“When I asked you to ‘open your heart to me,’ this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind . . .”

You see, I mentioned before that Avery saved ONE brother from being killed, as a result of a Horrific Train Accident.  What I didn’t mention was that the other one died.  In discussing, how the surviving brother, and his parents, would cope with that loss, Avery indirectly admitted that his Night Terrors and “acting out” of late have been the result of his own Survivor’s Guilt following The Shooting.

Way to recognize your true feelings Dr. Hotness . . . how very In Treatment of you!

In Other News . . .

Dr. McDreamy may NOT have won People Magazine’s  Sexiest Man Alive for 2010 . . .

 . . . but he did win a grant to begin his Alzheimer’s research!  He also proved himself to be a very good friend to Cristina, silently supporting the ALREADY FIRED errant bartender, as she did WAY TOO MANY shots with some random dudes from a Bachelor Party . . .

 . . . and danced around the bar like a TOTAL HO BAG!

In fact, Derek silently watched and protected a Drunk and Clearly Vulnerable Cristina (who REALLY NEEDS TO BE IN THERAPY!  HELLO!),  until Owen arrived at the bar to literally carry his wife home.

Once home, it was Owen’s turn to support Cristina and her “new religion,” by helping her “pray to porcelain God.”

Ummm, Cristina?  I hate to break this to you, but . . . that’s not a pillow . . .

Hey, that’s what friends are for, right?

[www.juliekushner.com]

For those who have balls . . . – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Something’s Gotta Give”

Karev stares wistfully at what’s left of his balls, after Avery beat the crap out of him, at Cristina’s House Warming Party . . .

 The way I see it, there are two types of people in this world: (1) those who have balls .  . .

(2) and those who don’t.

Although seemingly simplistic, the above statement is actually much more complex than it looks.  After all, I could talking about balls, in the literal sense . . .

 .  . .  balls, in the anatomic sense . . .

. . . or balls, in the metaphoric sense, as something representative of courage or “guts.”

During this week’s installment of Grey’s Anatomy, many of our favorite Seattle Grace-ys got the opportunity to show us their BALLS . . .

 . . . while others just . . . sat around eating frozen yogurt.

It’s never too late to gain the Freshman 15 . . .

 So, without further adieu, what do you say we get these balls rolling, and commence with the recap?

This fun little GIF has been brought to you by the f*ckyeahgreysmcnatomy tumblr.

The New-New Cristina

When the episode opens, we learn that Cristina hasn’t exactly been using her “Surgery Hiatus” time wisely.  In fact, despite having ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD to decorate, following her and Owen’s move into the Old Firehouse, Cristina hasn’t unpacked a SINGLE BOX.  The result of this massive oversight, on Cristina’s part is that her and Owen’s new crib now looks like something out of A&E’s Hoarders. 

(In Cristina’s defense, moving SUCKS!  And I would know, because I’ve done my fair share of it  .  . .)

Speaking of Cristina’s “Surgery Hiatus,” those of you who, like me, were worried that we would have to suffer through yet another episode of “”The Mopey Depressed PTSD Cristina Show,” got a bit of a reprieve this week . . .

“This week on Grey’s Anatomy, the part of Mopey Depressed PTSD Cristina will be played by Crazy, Bad Dancing, I Don’t Give a F*ck Cristina.”

Now . . . before you all start giving me the Stink Eye . . . I KNOW that letting her “id” run wild, compulsively spending money on frivolous things, and impulsively throwing parties and chopping off her friend’s hair, is not a “healthy” way for Cristina to cope with the emotional trauma she suffered, as a result of The Shooting.  But you have to admit that this week’s Cristina was WAY MORE FUN to watch than last week’s, right?

Speaking of People-I-Thought-Would-Be-Annoyingly-Mopey-This-Week-But-Weren’t .  . .

Callie Get’s a New Look . . .

“This week on Grey’s Anatomy, the part of Callie Torres will be played by Minnie Mouse . . .”

Cristina isn’t the only Seattle Grace Doc on “Surgery Hiatus,” this week.  As it turns out, Callie too has decided to take some time off, following her girlfriend Arizona’s decision to go on maternity leave from the show leave Callie’s ass for Africa.  When Callie hears the news from Mark that Cristina has quit the residency program, she rushes to her former roommate’s new casa to talk some sense into her.  Instead, she ends up . . . getting a haircut?

brought to you by f*ckyeahgreysanatomytumblr

I have to admit that Cristina’s maniacal cackling, as she dangled a chunk of Poor Callie’s hair in her face, all the while screaming, “LET’S MAKE LEMONADE,” frightened me a little bit.  However, my initial fear quickly vanished, when a now Hat-Wearing Callie and Crazy, Bad Dancing, I Don’t Give a F*ck Cristina decided to GO TO THE MALL!   

After all, who doesn’t like malls?  Malls are AWESOME!

Cristina and Callie Become Mallrats . . .

The scenes featuring Cristina and Callie at the mall on Grey’s this week, kind of reminded me of that old movie Mallrats . . . or rather, what that movie would be like, if those two poor slacker guys in it were actually female surgeons with LOTS of money to burn . . .

Ostensibly, the duo was at the mall, so that Callie could get her hair fixed, since Cristina had gone all Edwards Scissorhands on it, earlier . . .

However, Cristina uses the time to bask in the very special joys that only unemployment (while married to a rich surgeon) can provide.  During her Mallpisode, Cristina eats highly processed and chemical-laden food, prepared by teenagers.  She also marvels at the “Mall People,” who wander about the premises slowly, and aimlessly, with no particular time schedule to keep, but the ones in their own brains.  Cristina also buys an ENTIRE LIVING ROOM DISPLAY at the Furniture Store!

This just in . . . the Recession is OVER!  Our economy’s troubles have single-handedly been resolved, through the frivolous purchases of one woman.  And that woman is: Cristina Yang – Mall Person!

Did I mention that NuCristina has also decided to throw herself a house party, and invite all her surgeon friends, but NOT tell her new husband?  Cristina Yang – Mall Person has officially become MY IDOL!

Meanwhile, back at Seattle Grace, where people actually have to work for a living . . .

Everybody Hates Teddy . . .

Poor Doctor Altman!  Ever since her Blink-and-You’ll-Miss-It dalliance with that Shrink Guy has ended, she hasn’t had a single storyline that didn’t involve her yelling at someone, or being yelled at by someone.  Teddy kicks off this week, by getting more than her share of the latter. 

It all starts, when Teddy holds a little “information session” at the hospital, regarding her “Miraculous Lung Transplant Patient.”  Unfortuntely, no one gives two darns about that Poor Roy Henley Guy, who, lets face it, is SO LAST WEEK!

“Hey!  Now that’s not very nice!  What’s a guy gotta do to get some sympathy around here.  DIE?”

“Worked for ME!”

Instead, the doctors pepper Teddy with questions about Dr. Yang’s absence, and why she chose to quit the Residency Program.  Leading the Inquisition is Derek, or, as I like to call him, Dr. McJudgy . . .

 

“Hey!  I resemble that remark!”

McJudgy goes as far as to suggest that it is Teddy’s fault that Cristina quit her Residency, because Teddy inadvertently obligated Cristina to care for Roy, who was a very high risk patient, with a rather complex case history.  As if her presumed involvement in Cristina’s quitting didn’t make Teddy unpopular enough, shortly after the information session, the “Cardio God” finds herself having to cater to a VERY IMPORTANT patient, who no one else is allowed to KNOW is even in the hospital . . .

Inexplicably, most of the doctors at the hospital assume that Teddy’s Super Secret Patient is Bono . . .

Unfortunately, it doesn’t end up being anyone nearly as exciting.  It’s just some random Middle Eastern Leader Dude, who’s trying to bring peace to the entire Free World.  Bo-rinnnnggg!

Teddy, who is no Politico, by ANY means, does her best to save Middle Eastern Leader Dude’s life, while catering to the increasingly strange demands and inquiries of his harem colleagues and staff.  While, at first, Teddy butts heads with the Head of Middle Eastern Leader Dude’s Secret Service, the latter ultimately comes to respect Desert Storm Barbie, for her ability to work so well under pressure . . .

There was actually some pretty spicy sexual tension between these two!  And if this was a different show, and /or Teddy was a more well-liked character, we all KNOW that Teddy and the Secret Service Guy would have totally hit the on-call room for some Horizontal Mambo.  But its Grey’s Anatomy, and its Teddy Altman, so they didn’t . . .

Things got a bit more complicated, when Middle Eastern Leader Dude’s Chief Advisor, admitted that Middle Eastern Leader Dude did not just have heart trouble, as previously thought, he had also recently suffered from a brain aneurysm.

“Well, hello there!  My name is Ridiculous Plot Twist.  It is very nice to meet you.”

Now, suddenly, Teddy is forced to call upon her nemesis, Brain Doctor Derek.  The pair must perform surgery on Middle Eastern Leader Dude simultaneously.  How’s THAT for awkward?  Fortunately, this is DEREK we’re talking about, here.  So, of course, everything goes perfectly.  Shortly thereafter, Middle Eastern Leader Dude is free to go back to his country, and Save the World.

(And if you believe that I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn for $2.  If interested, inquire in the comment section, below . . .)

The Balls are in YOUR Court . . .

Remember a few weeks back, when April was totally and completely in LOVE with Derek Shepherd?  Remember how she would follow him around all the time, like a puppy in heat; and would squeal annoyingly everytime the Married Man did so much as take a dump, unaided? 

Come on, April.  You KNOW its true . . .

Well, those days are gone now.  Because, ever since Alex gave April the Hug Heard Round the World, last week . . .

 . . . it’s been ALL KAREV, ALL THE TIME, as far as this girl is concerned . . .

So, you can imagine how excited April was, upon finding out that both she and Karev were on New Pediatric Doctor Stark’s service together . . .

While spending the day taking care of babies, April can’t help but imagine what it would be like for her and Alex to have a Bundle of Joy of their own . . . one produced by Divine Conception, of course.

Although April and Alex care for many Tiny Humans under Stark’s watch, their main Patient of the Week is a baby in need of a liver transplant . . .

“How many times do I have to tell you?  It’s LISA!  The baby’s name is LISA!  LISA! LISA!  LISA!  Like that chick from The Simpsons . . .”

Aside from REPEATEDLY demanding that the doctors refer to her by name, Lisa’s parents have lots of questions about the manner in which Dr. Stark will chose to conduct the transplant.  However, Dr. Stark can really give two craps about answering these questions.   He’s WAY TOO BUSY bossing getting Karev and April to do his job for him, to do a thing like that. 

To make matters worse, when it comes time to do the transplant, Dr. Stark finds that the liver is TOO BIG for the baby’s body.  And so, he makes the bizarre decision to LEAVE THE BABY OPEN for a few day, while the swelling goes down.  

Stark HOPES that the liver will “fit” inside the body . . . eventually.  (Now, how’s that for a ringing endorsement .  . .)

Of course, Dr. Stark doesn’t tell ANY of this to Lisa’s parents, who assume their little girl is doing just fine.  April and Alex don’t like the situation one bit.  Fortunately, during lunch, the “Brilliant” A**hole Alex comes up with a plan involving his balls . . . or rather, A BALL that Lexie shot at his chest earlier.

Never . . . gets . . . old.

Upon recognizing that Lisa’s liver can be wrapped around this small celluloid ball, without complication — thereby, enabling Dr. Stark to complete the surgery, and close the body cavity, Karev rushes show Dr. Stark what solid BALLS he really has . . .

Unfortunately, for Alex, Stark COMPLETELY blows off the idea . . . at least initially.  Later, while Alex is making his rounds, April learns that Stark has decided to use the “ball” in surgery, after all.  He has also opted to take FULL CREDIT for Alex’s idea!!

Arizona would NEVER do a Mean Ole Thing like that, now, would she, Grey’s fans?

April Gets SCREWED (But Only Metaphorically . . .)

Later that evening, April finds Alex resting in a cot in the on-call room.  Plopping down on the bed next to him, she sweetly tells him how brilliant he was for finding a solution to Lisa’s case, and what a good person she thinks he is.  Of course, this gives the perpetually Self-Destructive Alex the perfect opportunity to prove her wrong . . .

“How DARE you call me a Good Person!  Walk the plank, B*tch!”

Things start off well enough, I guess.  Alex, overcome with emotion that SOMEONE would be willing to show him such kindness after the AWFUL weekend he had (more on that later), pulls April toward him for a deep sweet kiss . . .

Then there is some heavy-petting, and scrubs-removal, and heavy-breathing, and laying down on the bed . . .

Uh OH!  The warning bells are starting to go off here . . .

April did NOT maintain her virginity for 28-years, only to lose it on some dirty cot in the on-call room, during a five-minute break between rounds.  Now, April definitely WANTS to do it with Alex . . . don’t get her wrong.   She’d just like a few moments of quiet kissing to ponder the occasion. 

After all, before she knows it, her virginity will be gone forever.  And she will be waddling (sore, slightly bloody, and feeling a bit used) to the OR, to perform yet another surgery.  So, April politely inquires whether Alex can slow down just a smidge with his Olympic Speed Boning . . .

Well, CLEARLY Alex is a guy who is NOT capable of “keeping it up” for very long, if you catch my drift.  Because the mere suggestion of slowing down, causes Quick Draw McWilly to go TOTALLY Apesh*t on Poor April’s ass! 

“What do you need from me?  You wanna screw, let’s screw.  You don’t, then get out.  I’m not gonna hold your Virgin Hand, and walk you through it, Dammit!  You’re not a child.  I can’t take care of you.  I can’t take care of everybody in this frickin’ place!”

Well, if it were ME laying in that cot, I would have told Alex to take that HAND of his, and shove it up his ASS . . . so, that he could slap the NASTY FACE attached to his HEAD, which was, obviously, already up there . . .

“Hey, something smells funny, up here . . .”

But April is a much nicer person than I am.  So, she just lays on the cot, crying, as the Grade A – A**hole storms out to go kick tiny puppies, or whatever it is that Grade A – Asshole’s do in their spare time . . .

Jackson Avery to the RESCUE!

“I may not be the BEST doctor in this hospital.  But I am certainly the best-LOOKING.  And today, I might have proved myself to be the best FRIEND.”

April is still crying hysterically, by the time she gets to Cristina’s House Warming Party . . .

*sobbing uncontrollably*  “How the hell do two you afford this place?  I work at the exact same job that you do, and yet, I share a BATHROOM with 85,000 castmembers roommates, one of whom just totally ripped me a new one in the on-call room!  It’s not fair, dammit!”

Jackson hasn’t exactly had the best day himself.  Not only has he become the “red-headed stepchild” of the residency program, having screwed up surgery after surgery, since The Shooting.  He also suffered the loss of one of the patients, he was caring for on Bailey’s behalf (through no fault of his own).  So, Jackson sees his best friend April in need.  And hers is a problem he can fix . . . (just not in the way you think ;)). 

OK . . . I know he’s supposed to LOVE Lexie and all, but does anyone else think these two would be pretty darn adorable together?

And “fix it,” Jackson does . . .

Picspam provided by the cahboom tumblr

“OK .  . . I get that I should be all ‘Morally Outraged’ by the sight of two incredibly HOT grown men beating the sh*t out of eachother for ME  . . . but I’m secretly loving ALL OF IT.”

That was AWESOME!  Just like with Cristina, while I logically recognize that Jackson’s uncharacteristically aggressive behavior is sort of a Cry for Help, it’s still CRAZY FUN TO WATCH!  (And let’s face it, Alex the A**hole TOTALLY had it coming . . . )

Speaking of Alex, he later admits to Meredith that he spent the weekend caring for his brother Aaron . . .

 . . . who has just been diagnosed as schizophrenic, after trying to KILL his teenage sister.  Unable to cope with all the family drama, Alex flees, after just a day or two.  And I guess the guilt of not being able to care for his family, caused him to lash out at April. 

*sings*  “Nobody knows . . . the trouble I’ve seen .  . .  nobody knows, the SORROW!”

Yeah . . . OK . . . I’ll admit it . . . your Family Situation really SUCKS, Alex.  But its no excuse to be a DICK to a Nice Virgin.  Just sayin . . .

But Where’s Cristina?

Throughout the episode, Cristina’s friends and colleagues have plotted to confront her at her House Warming Party, and stage an “intervention,” of sorts . . .  The only person who seems to be against that idea is Derek, who himself, is no stranger to “quitting his job” during Sweeps Week.  Nonetheless, McJudgy is out-ranked and out-numbered.  And so, the Intervention is set to occur.  The only problem is that no one find Cristina . . .

Why?  You ask?  Because Derek has kidnapped her . . . and taken her up to the roof of the apartment, where he can ply her with wine, and discuss . . .  home furnishings?

Yeah . . . I didn’t get it either.

Oh, and I almost forgot about Callie . . .

For those of you who haven’t seen the episode, and are curious about Callie’s Big Change Haircut, here it is . . .

Based on the comments I’ve read on various message boards, I’ve come to the conclusion that most of you LIKE the ‘do.  And, while I don’t necesarily disagree, I do have a question or two for you Grey’s fans out there. 

Here goes . . .  (1) At what age do you become TOO OLD to wear rainbow-colored streaks in your hair?  (2) And if there exists such an age, has Callie passed it?

Did I mention that Callie and Mark are moving in together, because “it’s easier to be single together, than alone?”  I smell ANOTHER Friends with Benefits storyline . . . . don’t you? 

Seriously, Grey’s?  I know they’re cute together and all, but HOW MANY TIMES ARE WE GOING TO GO THERE?

Speaking of “Going There,” the trailer for next week’s installment of Grey’s looks so intriguingly bizarre, that I can’t help, but share it with you . . . So, enjoy!

See you next week!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Don’t Be a Dummy (or an Ass)! – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “That’s Me Trying”

JACKSON:  So, I hear this is the episode where we all just play with dolls for an hour  . . .

APRIL:  I love dolls!  I used to have a Barbie Dream House when I was a kid.  I would make Barbie throw these awesome slumber parties, for all my other dolls.  It was hard though.  Because I had a lot of dolls, and the Dream House only had one bed . . .

ALEX:  I am so turned on by you, right now . . .

In the five or so years since it has been on the air (MAN, I’M OLD!), Grey’s Anatomy has tackled some pretty heavy and hard-hitting issues: terminal illness, mental health issues, divorce, emotional abuse, loneliness, death, mass murder, hot naked men  . . .

Never . . . gets . . . old.

This week’s episode, however, was about dummies . . . and asses.

So, grab your favorite blow-up doll . . .

 . . . and BACK THAT ASS UP. . .

 . . . because it’s time to do some RECAPPING!

Nothing Like a Good Old-Fashioned Autopsy to Work Up an Appetite . . .

“I have nothing against Dead People!  Some of my best friends are corpses.”

Poor Bailey!  She still can’t figure out what mean-spirited and manipulative plot twist rare medical abnormality resulted in the untimely death of Special Guest Star Mandy Moore Mary Portman.  And so, off she heads to the Autopsy Room, in search of answers . . .

(By the way, does anyone who watched the episode know if Mandy Moore was actually in it, Weekend at Bernie’s style?  Or was that just a Madame Tussaud – type “dummy” of her on the autopsy table?  Either way, it was SUPER CREEPY . . .)

Now, I know that the Pathologist performing “Mary’s” autopsy was just “doing her job.”  And I know that she is probably used to working with patients who don’t . . . um . . . “talk back.”  So, Bailey’s non-stop barrage of questions and generalized buttinsky-ness was probably pretty gosh darn annoying for her.  I am also sure she is the “best in her field.”  (After all, isn’t every specialist who works at Seattle Grace?)

OMG!  Anna Draper from Mad Men came back from the dead, as an ill-tempered pathologist!

However . . . I don’t care HOW MANY YEARS of my life I had spent cutting dead bodies open . . . NEVER would I consider it OK to chew gum, and make dinner reservations, while doing it.  Aside from majorly disrespecting the dead . . . that’s just GROSS!

So, when the Undead Anna Draper told Bailey that the results of Mary’s autopsy would be inconclusive for at least another two weeks (Apparently, Mary’s brain had to “soak more” or something), I can understand why Bailey wanted a “second opinion.”  And, truthfully, I hope that Bailey finds the answers she is seeking, if only so that she can get some much-needed closure on the dark chapter of her life entitled, The Shooting.

Speaking of beating a dead storyline corpse . . .

Yang Quits Seattle Grace

“Give me back my Kickass Character, or I’m going to jump!”

OK . . . so I’ve been noticing quite a bit of heated debate on the internet amongst Grey’s fans, regarding this whole Cristina / PTSD storyline.  There are many of you out there (like me), who find the storyline to be growing tiresome, and increasingly difficult to watch.  While there are others of you who praise the authenticity with which the show’s writers have dealt with the very REAL issue of post-traumatic stress.

To some extent, I can see those fans’ point.  After all, it would be perfectly understandable for a real-life doctor, who endured what Cristina had to endure during The Shooting, to experience some long-term effects of that trauma.   And I also agree, that dramas like this too often sweep events like The Shooting under the carpet, failing to address their lasting impact, at all. 

And yet, when it comes right down to it, I watch Grey’s Anatomy to be entertained, not to be lectured about the devastating effects PTSD can have on the human psyche, and the importance of seeking long-term psychological treatment for those effects. 

Sometimes as a producer / writer for a popular television drama, you have to sacrifice a bit of realism for entertainment value.  And, in the case of this storyline, I feel like that is a lesson that Grey’s Anatomy still needs to learn . . .

All right . . . I’m off my soap box now.  Back to the recap .  . .

This was supposed to be an “Easy Day” for Cristina Yang.  She was supposed to spend the day with her new husband, playing with dummies, along with the rest of the residents.

But Evil Teddy had to go and ruin that, by telling Cristina that she (gasp) actually had to help a REAL LIVE patient, instead . . .

Oh, the horror!

As it turns out, that Sweet Smiley Old Man on who’s behalf Cristina negotiated, so that he could get a spot on the lung transplant list a few weeks back, was set to go into surgery that day (once Teddy picked up his New Lungs, of course).  And so, Teddy requested that Cristina monitor the patient, while she retrieved the vital organ.  Giving Teddy that Deer-in-Headlights look we’ve come to come to expect from this “New Yang,” Cristina reluctantly agreed to perform the task.

 

We are treated to a tiny glimpse of the Old Cristina, when she exchanges some dry banter with her adorable patient, who — despite some evidence to the contrary — we can tell she likes and really cares about.  “Any joke that begins with an animal walking into a bar is, by definition, not funny,” insists Cristina wryly, when the patient in question tries, in vain, to make her laugh.

I don’t know . . . it looks pretty darn hilarious to me!

Despite refusing to laugh at his jokes, Cristina is remarkably kind and supportive to her patient, when he admits his fear of getting “New Lungs.”  “Don’t think of it as ‘getting New Lungs,'” offers Cristina.  “Think of it as getting rid of Old Crappy Ones.”

During this exchange the patient’s estranged daughter, Tara from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, enters the room . . .

“I don’t really get this whole  ‘Hospital  Thing.’  Whenever people got sick on my show, we just performed spells to make them better . . .  It was SO much easier.”

 When Tara apologizes for her not-so-subtle barb about her father not being in her life for twenty years, Adorable Patient surprises her, by complimenting her snarkiness.  “You get that from me,” he says proudly.

It’s actually, a very sweet moment . . . or, at least it would be, if Adorable Patient didn’t go into cardiac arrest, during it.

That’s right!  I said cardiac arrest.  Now, in addition to needing a new set of lungs, Adorable Patient might require a new heart, as well!

As a bevy of nurses rushes to her father’s aid, and DOCTOR Cristina stands stock still, suddenly becoming fascinated by shiny objects, Tara begins to wonder whether witchcraft might be a preferable solution to letting her absentee father rot in this Crackpot Hospital . . .

Worried about his wife’s mental health (aren’t we all!), Owen grants Meredith trauma surgery certification immediately, despite her not having completed the skills course (How unfair is THAT?).  This way, she can help her “Best Friend” through her “diffcult time.”  But Cristina doesn’t want Meredith’s help.  Instead, she brusquely sends Meredith to provide Tara with updates on her father’s status, while she attends to stabilze Adorable Patient’s heart, solo.

“So Tara, you and Buffy the Vampire Slayer are like ‘friends,’ right?  Do you think you could get me her autograph?”

Although pushing off the “interpersonal stuff” on a friend, so that she can do the “medical stuff” sounds precisely like something Old Cristina would do.  We can immediately tell that something is off about our old Robo Doc.  Cristina’s tenacity and aggressiveness are gone.  Her heart is just not in it.  Oh . . . and she’s being a TOTAL BIATCH to Poor Meredith . . .

Later Cristina admits to Meredith that she doesn’t want to speak to Adorable Patient’s daughter, because she is afraid.  Everything about Seattle Grace that Cristina used to love, now petrifies her.  And abject fear does not exactly inspire confidence in Witches from Sunnydale a patient’s family members.

Later, while Meredith and Cristina are on the roof of the hospital, waiting for Teddy’s triumphant return, Meredith confronts her “bestie” about her excessive b*tchiness, of late.  And yet, by the time Cristina finishes her tirade, Meredith undoubtedly wishes she hadn’t brought it up and so do we.

“How are you fine?  How are you just completely fine?”  Christina yells.  “I am ruined, OK?  I am dead.  I am wrecked. . . . Why are you okay?  You were there too.  You were there  . . . with your sad eyes, screaming at me to save his life. Telling the guy to shoot you, and not giving a crap about yourself or your pregnancy.  I didn’t have a choice.  And you did that.  If it was anyone else on the table . . .  if it was anyone else standing there . . . I would have walked away . . . I could have walked away, and, then, I wouldn’t be here!”

“Does this mean you won’t be having Sleepover Parties, with Derek and Me, anymore?”

Ultimately, Cristina is able to stabilize Adorable Patient’s heart, long enough for Teddy to return with his organs, and perform the planned surgery.  But when Chief Webber approaches Cristina, to compliment her on a job well done, Cristina asks to speak with him privately.  As she later admits to Owen, she quit Seattle Grace, right then and there.

“You were right.  I can do it.   I can still be a surgeon,” explains Cristina.  “I just don’t want to.”

It’s possible that we might never get back, Old Cristina.  But one thing is for certain: this New One has GOT TO GO!  Take care of yourself, Cristina!  Here’s hoping that you get the help you need, and come back REALLY SOON. with a brand new storyline that doesn’t involve your ever having to give us the Deer-in-Headlights Look ever again!

  (Oh, and kudos to Sandra Oh, for some outstanding performances, these past couple of weeks.  Just because I didn’t like the things you “did” and “said,” doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the skill with which you did and said them.)

This Butt’s for YOU!

While Cristina was busy “butting out” of Seattle Grace, Mark and Sloan were “butting in” to the life of a late twenty-something patient, who desperately wanted to get some more ass . . . literally.

I don’t know which part of this scene was funnier: the patient’s repeated insistence on increasing the size of her computer-generated butt double (despite the fact that a woman with that small of a frame would probably topple over, if she had that ass); or Lexie’s increasingly horrified reaction shots . . .

“My goodness!  Get an ass like that, and you might have to actually wear Size 6 jeans!  THE HORROR!”

But you know Lexie, every patient’s case has to be ALL ABOUT HER!  So, instead of rationally expressing concern about the fact that the patient’s “new ass” was be highly disproportionate to the rest of her body, and would likely throw her back out of alignment, Lexie ASSUMED that the patient was having the surgery to impress “Some Guy.”

And you know what they say about people who ASSUME things, right?  They make an ASS out of . . . well . . . everyone.  (You thought I was going to say, “You and Me,” didn’t you?  See what I mean about “assuming” things?)

As it turns out, Butt Girl, isn’t Lexie.  Because Lexie, at least according to Butt Girl, has a FABULOUS ASS!  (Also, Butt Girl doesn’t rashly decide to move in with her 20-years older than her boyfriend, before she’s really ready, and agree to raise his 18-year old bastard child.)

Ahem!

All Butt Girl wants is to be able to look good in a pair of jeans.  Is that too much to ask?  Apparently . . . at least, as far as Lexie is concerned.

Later, at Joe’s Bar, Lexie finds a Lonely Mark lecherously assessing the veracity of Butt Girl’s claim regarding the SHEER AWESOMENESS that is Little Grey’s ass.  And, although Lexie feigns moral indignation at being treated by her former lover colleague like a Pair of Firm Grapefruit, the little Wiggle Move she does, when she walks away from him, says otherwise . . .

“My Humps.  My Humps.  My Lovely Lady Lumps!”

“Alzheimers is a Bad Disease.  We Should Cure It.”

While Sloan is busy checking out Lexie’s ass, Derek seems to have lodged his head up his.  I always thought that doctors worked these CRAZY hours.  Yet, this week, we see virtually the ENTIRE Seattle Grace staff playing with dolls, for a whole day.  Meanwhile, Derek spends about 12 hours in the board room “researching Alzheimers” for his upcoming grant proposal, only to come up with this . . .

Come on Dr. McDreamy!  I know eight-year olds that can write better Book Reports than that!

Fortunately, Bailey, who’s been dealing with her own problems this week (See Anna Draper story, above), is wise enough to see the REAL reason behind Derek’s writer’s block.  She is also kind enough to take time out of her own busy sulking schedule to help him see it too.  “I am not the one who can’t stop  thinking about his wife getting Alzheimers long enough to write a damn essay!”

As if things weren’t sucky enough for him already, Poor Derek then has to go home and break the news to his wife — who has just been unceremoniously dumped by her best friend — that he’s going to have to dump her from his surgical trials too, in order to maintain some modicum of objectivity in his research . . .

MEREDITH:  Well, THIS is depressing . . .

DEREK:  I know . . .

MEREDITH:  Let’s f*ck.

DEREK:  OK.

In other Want-to-Slit-Your-Wrist Couple’s News . . .

 Arizona Goes to Africa . . . ALONE.

Surprisingly, Callie and Arizona’s breakup had absolutely nothing to do with Arizona’s insistence on wearing this hideous hat . . .

When the episode begins, Callie and Arizona are still doing the same thing they were doing when last week’s episode ended.  Namely, they are packing.  Or, perhaps, more accurately, they are giving away their useless crap, so that they won’t have to pack it. 

(I mean think about it. You’re traveling halfway across the world, to a place where you plan to spend THREE YEARS.  Do you have any idea how EXPENSIVE checking all that luggage would be?)

And don’t even get me started on those SUPER embarrassing Full Body Scans . . .  No wonder Callie would rather stay home!

So, Arizona tries to pass off some of Callie’s cooking utensils on Mark  . . .

Oh come on!  As if Mark ever eats ANYTHING besides TV dinners and underaged hookers, anyway . . .

Then, Callie starts TOTALLY bitching Arizona out for giving her crap away, without asking first.  So, yeah, it becomes pretty obvious, pretty quickly, that Callie has NO desire to go to Malawi and help the “Tiny Humans” . . .

To add insult to injury, Chief Webber starts really laying the guilt trips on thick, as he gripes to Callie about how incredibly HARD it will be to replace not one, but TWO awesome attendings, like Callie and Arizona.

Hmmmm . . . maybe if your doctors spent less time groping dummies, and more time helping patients, you wouldn’t be so short staffed all the time. . .

Sensing weakness in Callie, the relentless Chief Webber pushes the knife in a little deeper, by telling her that, had she decided to stay at Seattle Grace, he had “big plans for [her.]  Really BIG!”

“I’d show you those plans right now.  But they are currently in my pants.  Unless, of course, you would like to go get them . . .”

Throughout the episode, Callie snarks on and on, about how utterly LAME Malawi will be.  So, really, is it any wonder that NO ONE wanted to come to her’s and Arizona’s going away party?

Seriously?  I’ve seen funerals that were more lively . . .

Later, when Callie meets up with Mark for another extended “I Don’t WANNA GO!” Complaining Session, Mark takes this opportunity to compare Callie’s trip to Africa to a boob job.

You stay classy, Mark Sloan (you Dirty Old Man, you)!

“You’re sounding an awful lot like a girl who’s getting a boob job, just because her boyfriend likes girls with Really Big Racks . . . and by Big Racks, I mean Africa,” explains Captain Obvious Sloan.

“But I love her,” argues Callie.

“I know.  But you are going to have to learn to love Africa too,” Sloan remarks wisely, before pulling his bestie in for a sweet embrace.

I heart these two .  . .

Talk about waiting until the last minute!  It’s not until Arizona and Callie are already at the airport, waiting to board the plane, that Arizona drops the bomb on Callie that she will be going to Africa, without her.

“Geez, Arizona!  Do the words Frequent Flyer Miles mean ANYTHING to you?  Do you have any idea how many pairs of shoes I’ve charged to my American Express Card, so that I could get this flight?”

Arizona explains that going to Africa, and providing medical care to third world children, has always been her dream.  And Callie’s sulking and carrying on, is ruining that dream.  Callie begs and pleads with Arizona to reconsider, but to no avail.  So, finally, she issues an ultimatum . . .

“If you get on that plane and go without me we are done. Do you hear me? We are over,” Callie insists.

“Really?  Were you planning to ground me, and forbid me from going to prom too?”

Rather than run crying into her arms muttering apologies, Arizona just nods sadly after all she’s just going on maternity leave, not leaving the show.  No need to get so dramatic!  “We are standing in the middle of an airport screaming at each other. We are already over,” replies Arizona, as she turns and heads toward her gate.

 “Oh please!  Screaming in the airport means we ARE a couple!  That’s what couples do!  They FIGHT . . . and have hot makeup sex . . . possibly, while becoming members of the Mile High Club!”

Don’t worry, Callie!  She’ll be back . . .

And finally, last but not least . . .

April Kepner – Dummy Doctor Extraordinaire!

“I pity the FOOL who messes with MY dummies!”

When, at the beginning of their trauma certification class, Owen informed the residents that there had been a bus accident outside, with massive casualties, they ran to the scene of the incident, like BATS OUT OF HELL!

So, you could imagine how disappointed / pissed off they were, when these “fine doctors” found out that their “trauma victims” were actually the cast of those lame (and incredibly creepy) Old Navy commercials . . .

Man, I HATE those commercials . . .

Apparently, Owen spent his “million dollar” trauma training grant on: (1) a bunch of impeccably dressed dummies; and (2) flashcards listing various fake injuries that the dummies are purportedly suffering from.  (Coincidentally, you can buy all of these things at Old Navy, for the banner price of $19.99!) 

Here’s how trauma training works.  The residents break up into groups of four.  Together, those groups tend to the injuries of the fake dummies.  If they can keep the dummies “alive,” long enough to get them onto a “rescue helicopter,” they can earn their certification. 

Now, there are PLENTY of teams.  But the only one that the episode writer really seems interested in is “Blue Team,” starring April Kepner Dr. Hotness Avery, and Alex Karev.

Though Blue Team is the only one that seems to really care about the exercise (continuing to tend to their patients, long after all the other teams have “failed,”  and hours into a very rainy night) Dr. Power Tripper Hunt inexplicably seems determined to PUNISH them for their dedication.  He does this by making up more and more fake injuries for Blue Team’s dummies, and refusing to let the FAKE helicopter come and take the “victims” away.

“Here we are, seven episodes into this season, and ALL of my lines so far have been some form of ‘Cristina, are you OK?’  Well, now, I’ve got my OWN storyline, and I’m going to make the best of it, dammit.  Even if it means babbling on about things that make NO SENSE WHATSOEVER!”

Dr. Hotness (who is quickly taking over the “Cocky-Bad-Boy-Who-Deep-Down-is-Just-Insecure” role, formerly held by Alex Karev) eventually gets fed up, and quits the “game.”  This was fine by me, because it gave Owen an excuse to yell at him, which gave ME an excuse to gaze into those dreamy eyes of his . . .

Observe . . . the Sexy Brood and Smoulder of Dr. Hotness, in his natural habitat.

Eventually, Owen has Avery return to complete the certification course.  However, before that happens, April  — upon deciding that TWO can play at the “making sh*t up” game — has come up with an “ingenious” (and by, “ingenious,” I mean “adorable, but incredibly dorky”) way to “save” her victims and “win” the game.  While rambling on like an INSANE person, April dashes off to a nearby ambulence.  Then, despite being told by Owen that it is “not in play,” April stuffs her’s and Alex’s dummies in the back of it.

By the way, the cheesy Action Movie Music that was playing in the background, while April was doing this, made the WHOLE scene TEN TIMES FUNNIER!  If anyone knows what song that was, PLEASE tell me!  Because, once I find it, that puppy is becoming part of the “Running Mix” on my iPod, STAT!

While Alex looks on with amusement, Owen tries in vain to reason with Crazy April, telling her that the ambulence . . . um . . .  broke down . . . or something.  But April will not listen to reason.  “Now MOVE!  Or I will RUN . . . YOU . . . DOWN!”  She growls, before putting her key in the ignition, and driving the ambulence around to the Emergency Room entrance.

April then starts picking up the dummies, and carrying them, BY HAND, into the hospital . . .

“Hey there, Old Navy Mannequin!  You are much shorter, in person . . .  By the way, are you single?”

She probably would have performed surgery on the damn things too, if Owen didn’t FINALLY put the kibosh on the whole exercise.  “OK.  Fine!  Blue Team Wins,” Owen mutters.

“Blue Team, wins?  BLUE TEAM WINS!”  April yelps, throwing her poor defenseless Old Navy Mannequin on the ground in triumph, with all the verve of a Football Player, who just scored the winning touchdown in the Superbowl.

This Crazy Chica even had her own ENDZONE DANCE, for crying out loud!  Once she’s finished self-congratulating, April rushes to Alex, and pulls him in for a tight embrace.  Alex honestly, looks a bit taken aback by the sudden show of affection.  However, he is obviously pleased to be a part of this insanity.

“I’ve never been hugged by a Real Virgin before . . . weird.”

That night, at Joe’s, Alex teases April, by doing a spot-on impersonation of her “I WILL MOW YOU DOWN,” speech.

“I will make you walk the plank, Matey!  Arrrrgh!”

But then, the Former Bad Boy sweetly compliments April on how “awesome” and “hilarious” she was, during the course.  He’s ABSOLUTELY signing up for April’s team, the next time Seattle Grace has a skills lab!  After he tells her all this, April gives Alex this look, and it’s a look us girls know all too well . . .

Yup . . . that’s the one . . .

Oh, April, honey . . . You are in SOOOOOO much trouble!

[www.juliekushner.com]

“What’s up, Doc?” – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “These Arms of Mine”

“This soup tastes funny . . .”

This week on Grey’s, Meredith’s Voiceover had her trachea accidentally eaten by a Person Who Shall Not Be Named. *cough Alex cough*  And so, while Meredith’s Voiceover’s  new trachea was incubating, our Grey’s writers had to come up with another Artificial Story-Framing Device to use during the episode.  Their solution?  This . . .

As we all know (and have been told TIME and TIME AGAIN), Seattle Grace and the doctors and nurses who work there, have all suffered, as a result of The Shooting.

As with all major tragedies, The Shooting left scars on everyone who experienced it.  Some of those scars are easily seen  . . .

 . . . while others are more hidden.

Yet, ever the businessman, Chief Webber would like to gloss over all of those scars with a swift coat of cheery yellow paint, and put a “fresh face” on Seattle Grace — one that is shiny and new.

“Get those ugly extras in the white lab coats OUT OF MY SHOT!  What do you think this is . . . a HOSPITAL?”

And so, Chief Webber invites a documentary film crew inside his hospital, to show the world what a “warm and sunshiney” place Seattle Grace can be!

“You can stand under my umbrella . . . ella . . . ella . . . hey . . . hey . . . hey . . . under my umbrella . . .”

(Speaking of “sunny”  . . . you know . . . this show has been on the air for seven seasons, and, during that time, I don’t recall ONCE seeing it rain!  Did I mention the show takes place in Seattle?  You know, the “Rainy City?”  Where it rains, on average, 158 days per year?)

One of the few times I someone got wet watching on Grey’s Anatomy . . .

Good weather notwithstanding, it is tough to paint a “happy face” on a place, where phrases like the one below are so often included in daily conversation . . .

But that doesn’t mean that Chief Webber isn’t going to try . . .

So, scrub in Grey’s fans!  It’s time to take a little walk on the “Road to Recovery.”

Alex Karev’s Greatest Hits

By far, my favorite storyline of the episode went to Alex Karev.  His patient-of-the-week was a nine-year old girl named Lily, who had a large tumor obstructing her trachea. 

She also had an obsession with Camp Rock 2, and a terrible case of Bieber Fever . . .

It is important to note that Justin Chambers (the actor who plays Alex) has five kids, ranging in age from 8 to 17, four of whom are girls.  So, when Lily couldn’t take her iPOD into the MRI machine with her, and Alex started singing Camp Rock 2’s “Wouldn’t Change a Thing” to the her, so she wouldn’t be nervous during the procedure, I couldn’t help but wonder whether the actor had done this before . . .

Lily’s MRI results show that her tumor has grown so large that she will die, if her trachea isn’t removed.  Unfortunately, the removal of the trachea is, in itself, an often-fatal procedure.

Fortunately, as per usual, Alex and the Seattle Graceans have come up with a Groundbreaking Medical Procedure that could save Lily’s life.  The procedure involves growing a new healthy trachea, using Lily’s own cells. 

Just heat those little buggers up in a microwave and, voila!  You’ve got yourself a BRAND NEW Chia Trachea!

Tra-tra-tra TRACHEA!

For a guy who can be a REAL douche when it comes to dealing with adults, our Alex sure is a softy when it comes to working with kids!

And, although Alex says he’s only sleeping at the hospital to water Lily’s Chia Trachea, it seems pretty obvious that the real reason he’s there, is so that the little girl won’t feel so alone.

All I know, is if I was in fourth grade right now, I would TOTALLY bring that Adorable Doc in for Show-and-Tell, just like Lily did . . .

I’d probably have him wear less clothes, though . . .

Lexie Grey – Renegade Outlaw

While Alex is spending all of his time in the hospital, Lexie is spending most of hers right outside of it.  You see, ever since The Shooting, Chief Webber has significantly “enhanced” the security at Seattle Grace.  One of these new “enhanced” security procedures requires all staff and vistors entering the hospital to submit to a full body scan and metal detector check.  As for the doctors and nurses, they must also show the security guards their Picture ID Badges, upon entering the hospital.

The problem is that Lexie’s ID picture looks like this . . .

 . . . and she now looks like this . . .

So, rather than do the logical thing, and ask the Chief to have a new ID picture taken, Lexie spends most of the episode fighting with the security guards –trying desperately to convince them that she’s the same person as the blonde in the picture.

Eventually, Lexie  gets fed up with arguing, and runs past the guards into the hospital.  Lexie’s breach of protocol causes the ENTIRE hospital to go into lockdown.  This “innocent” rebellion results in major problems for one of Lexie’s colleagues Dr. Hotness Jackson Avery.

Jackson’s Emotional Breakdown

Jackson is rolling a patient with respiratory problems into surgery, when the automatic procedures associated with the lockdown result in his being trapped in a small glass vestibule, without any medical equipment.  Undoubtedly, having his own PTSD-fueled flashback to the day of The Shooting, Jackson begins to scream, pound ferociously on the glass doors, and doggedly  administer CPR to his patient, who is now frantically gasping for air.

The event frightens Jackson so much, that even when the doors reopen, and other doctors are allowed into the room, Jackson, now hysterically crying continues pounding uselessly on his patient’s chest.

On camera, an embarrassed and grief-stricken Jackson admits just how hard on him The Shooting, specifically, his loss of two friends and colleagues during it has been . . .

Finally, at the end of the episode, The Chief takes his head out of his ass long enough to order the removal of Seattle Grace’s short-lived and utterly ridiculous security system from the premises.  Goodbye and GOOD RIDDENS, I say!

Hello to Arms

I had literally a TON of ideas for jokes to put in the caption underneath this picture, all of which would make me look like a total douche, and none of which were the least bit appropriate.  Therefore, feel free to insert your own Inappropriate Joke About People With No Arms here . . .[ ]

I’m a totally terrible person, aren’t I?

Remember that picture at the top of this recap, featuring the caption about someone’s brains being on the floor?  Yeah . . . that was THIS GUY . . .

The bad news is . . . he’s dead obviously.   The good news is, he’s an organ donor with pretty arms.  That second part makes our Attendings pretty darn happy, because it will provide them with the opportunity to perform . . .you guessed it . . . a NEW Groundbreaking Medical Procedure. 

(That’s TWO Groundbreaking Medical Procedures in one episode, for those of you keeping score . . .)

“Hey, remember when No Arm Guy’s wife stole a baby from the stomach of that chick on Private Practice?  That was AWESOME!”

So, the trio of Super Docs (actually, it ends up being Callie, who does most of the work), plan to extract Dead Guy’s arms, and put them on No Arms Guy.  (Dead Guy isn’t really using them, anyway. . .).  There’s just one slight problem . . .

“Nicole” is not No Arms Guy’s Wife’s name . . . AWKWARD!

Honestly?  I wasn’t as surprised by the couple being so cool with taking the arms, despite the tattoo, as I was by the fact that all the doctors thought that they wouldn’t be.  After all, in the “What Would Rather” game, I’m pretty sure “Have a Random Tattoo” would win out over “Have No Arms” EVERY TIME . . .

Now, usually the actual “surgery” parts of Grey’s episodes bore the stuffing out of me.  But I have to say, this arm surgery was pretty darn cool to watch.  The way they literally sawed off Dead Guy’s arms, and wheeled them down the hospital corridor — the disembodied fingers wiggling, as the gurney lurched and bumped its way toward the OR — was like something out of a horror movie!

And then, the way the arms turned, pink, once they were reconnected to the Patient Formerly Known as No Arms Guy’s body, was so VERY Frankenstein . . .

 . . . or, it would be, if the original Frankenstein movie wasn’t in black-and-white . . .

I also liked the little epilogue part, where we learned that the Patient Formerly Known As No Arms Guy tattooed the word “Thank you” next to Nicole’s name.  That was sweet.  It was nice of Crazy Lady from Private Practice and the Patient Formerly Known As No Arms Guy to remember that, even though the arms belonged to Dead Guy, originally, it was his wife, Nicole, who actually agreed to donate them — thereby, making this whole thing possible . . .

LOOOOOOOONG Distance Relationship

“Ummmm . . . what’s up with the Fugly Hat?  You’re going to Africa, not the Easter Parade.”

Sometimes, spending time fixing Tiny Humans really pays off.  Arizona learned this, when she won the prestigious Carter Madison grant.   Said grant would allow her to go to Africa, and facilitate the process of ensuring that the children there receive top-quality medical treatment. 

While some of Arizona’s colleagues were pleased to hear about the honor she received  .  . .

(The increasingly opportunistic Chief Webber treated Arizona like she was his prize poodle, who had just won Best in Show at the Purina Dog C0mpetition.  I kept waiting for him to pat her on the head, and give her a biscuit . . .)

 . . . others were less than enthused . . .

Callie, for one, couldn’t understand why ANYONE would possibly give up Earth-shattering sex with her (YAY!), in exchange for something as mundane as The Opportunity of a Lifetime (Snooze!).

Fortunately for Arizona, Callie decided, at the last minute to come to Africa with Arizona. 

See?  Sometimes you CAN have your pound cake, and eat it out too!

Miranda Bailey can’t win . . .

You know, everytime I see Miranda Bailey on my screen lately, I want to reach out and give her a hug.  Let’s review, shall we?  Her husband left her, her boyfriend ditched her for a spinoff .  . .

. . . Dr. Percy died in her arms . . . and now . . . our girl is FINALLY ready to go out and have a drink with her buds . . .

 . . . when she finds out that SHE KILLED MANDY MOORE!

It all started when Mary, the girl attached to the colostomy bag, who braved The Shooting with Bailey, returned to Seattle Grace, with her husband in tow.

 Mary plans to have Dr. Bailey complete a medical procedure, which she had never gotten to perform during Mary’s first visit to the hospital, for obvious reasons.  The procedure is a routine colostomy reversal, one that should have Mary in and out of the OR in about an hour.  Dr. Bailey, having grown attached to Mary, during The Shooting, is eager to finish the procedure.  She hopes that it will provide them both with some much needed closure on a difficult chapter in their lives.

While Bailey preps Mary for surgery, the two chat like old girlfriends.  We learn that Mary and her husband, realizing that life is short, blew through their entire savings, and traveled the world, in the months following the shooting.

 

We also hear Mary tell the documentary film crew that she hopes to “have lots of babies.”

The procedure itself goes off without a hitch.  We see Dr. Bailey give Mary’s adorable husband (played by Ryan Devlin) the good news.  Dr. Bailey, still on a high from her friend’s successful surgery, tells the documentary crew that she is plans to treat herself to a drink after work — something, which, surely she has earned.

Unfortunately, this wouldn’t be Grey’s Anatomy if there wasn’t at least one maudlin moment in the episode.  And this moment belonged to poor Mary, who, we later learn, never woke up from surgery.

After watching his wife spend months in a coma, Mary’s husband is ultimately forced to terminate her life support.   In a heart-wrenching scene toward the end of the episode, we see Bailey break down and cry over Mary’s death, in an empty hospital room . . .

Well THAT was completely unnecessary, Grey’s!

“Being a Hero Has Its Price.”

Although Meredith and Cristina didn’t have their own “medical” storyline this week  (Cristina, after all, is still on her way too long “I don’t do surgery” PTSD/depression kick.), we did get to see a lot of them both, during the “interview” portion of the episode.  Meredith remarks to the interviewer about how close her and Cristina are — a fact which Derek readily confirms.  “Dr. Yang and my wife sometimes have sleepovers . . . in my bed  . . . with me in it.”

That’s HOT!

But when Meredith calls Cristina “her hero” for saving Derek’s life, during The Shooting, Cristina breaks down, and has to stop the interview.  She later returns to complete the interview, after she has composed herself.  “What did you take away from all of this?”  The interviewer asks Cristina.

“Being a hero has its price,” replies Cristina sadly.

Indeed . . .

But, that’s kind of a depressing way to end a recap.  And I always like to end my recaps on a HAPPY note.  So, let’s try this ending on for size . . .

Ahhhh . . . much better!

See you next week!

[www.juliekushner.com]