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The One Where Little J Ruins EVERYTHING (and finally leaves)! – A Recap of the Gossip Girl Season Finale “Last Tango, Then Paris”

“You think YOU’RE the Bad Ass, Georgina?  I destroyed the lives of the Entire Cast of Gossip Girl in a SINGLE HOUR (and possibly killed Chuck Bass).  Top that BIATCH!

I don’t think I have ever wanted to do physical harm to a television character as much as I did to Little Jenny Humphrey, while watching tonight’s Season Finale of Gossip Girl, entitled Last Tango, Then Paris.  Seriously, was there anyone on this show whose life she DIDN’T ruin tonight?  (Well . . . maybe Georgina . . . but she doesn’t really count, does she?) 

So, without further adieu, let’s take a look at HOW Jenny screwed over each of the show’s main characters, and ultimately escaped on her broomstick, with a whirlwind of evil swirling behind her . . .

How Jenny Screwed Over Serena and Dan (and, by extension, Nate and Vanessa, as well as people who hate incest)

When the episode first begins, a needy Jenny is curled up in bed with Nate.  ONCE AGAIN she is wearing that button down shirt that is SUPPOSED to be Nate’s, but it’s so large it could probably fit FIVE Nates and a Chuck in it . . .  Here, I’ll prove it to you.  Check out this screencap of Jenny in that shirt.

I’m sorry . . . It was just too easy.

Anyway, just when the entire fan contingent of Gossip Girl is about to groan “NOT THESE TWO AGAIN,”  in walks Chuck to put us at ease . . .

He explains that he KNOWS Jenny and Nate didn’t do the nasty, because he heard Nate snoring all night, and found a charge on his hotel bill for New Moon on Pay-Per-View.

I imagine we are supposed to presume that Jenny watched this flick on her own, after Nate fell asleep.  And, why not?  After all, our girl Little J OBVIOUSLY identifies with the characters from this Stephenie Meyer tale . . . well, maybe one in particular . . .

Clearly, these two share the same stylist . . .

Anyway, Chuck and Nate throw out some not-so-subtle hints that they want Jenny Bad Weave to . . . LEAVE.  So, back to Brooklyn she heads.  Once she arrives there, she sees this . . .

I just threw up in my mouth a bit, while posting this picture . . .

So, Jenny, being the EVIL TURD she truly is . . .

 . . . decides that, even though Nate has already rejected her about EIGHTY TIMES this season, why not try for EIGHTY ONE?  And because Jenny’s idea of a romantic gesture always seems to land in the “make someone so lonely and miserable that they hate themselves enough to sleep with a slut like me” realm, she decides to snap a picture of the brother /sister sex act and ship it off to Gossip Girl herself. 

After completing the dastardly deed, Little J escapes the apartment, just in time for Serena and Dan to wake up and have one of those awkward and super annoying “Oh it really doesn’t mean anything that we made out.  Let’s not tell anyone.  We’re just friends . . . blah blah blah” babbling conversations that characterized ALL of their dialogue together from SEASON ONE!  (Please don’t put us through this again, Gossip Girl!  I beg you!)

And then it came time for Dan and Serena to receive the Gossip Girl blasts featuring their “bro-sis mance” (grossmance?).  There were two things I LOVED about this scene!  (1) Dan is supposed to be this really smart guy right?  So, why did he not IMMEDIATELY figure out that Jenny had taken the picture of him.  Just how many people HAVE the keys to his Brooklyn apartment, anyway?

“Maybe it was that half-brother they randomly gave me during Season 2?  You know, the one also related to Serena?”

(2) When Dan DOES solve the Mystery of the Phantom Photo Snap, he does so because Jenny has left her disposable cup of coffee on the table . . . and it HAS HER NAME ON IT! 

Why did Jenny feel the need to write her name on this cup, when she was the ONLY ONE getting coffee?  Was she getting drinks for her imaginary friends too, and feared that she would accidentally mix up the lattes? 

Unintentional hilarity aside, seeing as BOTH Serena and Dan were currently involved in other relationships at the time of their . . . whatever the heck it was they actually did . . .  in the words of Ricky Riccardo . . .

“You have some ‘splaining to do!”

Serena confronts Nate and explains that “nothing happened” between her and Dan.  And Nate forgives her . . . RIGHT AWAY.  Their sex must be REALLY good to merit this kind of mindless acceptance on Nate’s part . . . just saying.

(Insert lewd euphemism for sex here)

Later, Nate conveniently overhears Serena and Dan having the EXACT SAME conversation they had at the beginning of the episode (That’s what these two do together, they TALK . . . A LOT!  Serena and Dan talk, about as much as Serena and Nate screw.)  This time, Nate, upon learning that the “nothing” that happened between Serena and Dan actually included a kiss, grows a pair, and actually gets pissed off.  So, what does he do?  He e-mails Vanessa in Haiti to tell her what happened.  And it seems like she’s going to DUMP DAN . . .

 . . . so that he can feel free to pursue Serena . . .

“But wait!”  You say!  “He can’t do that!”  You exclaim!  She’s related to him still dating Nate!  Right, see here’s the thing.  EVEN AFTER Nate found out that Serena played tonsil hockey with Dopey Dan, HE STILL FORGAVE HER!  This guy is a SAINT (or just really likes good sex, whichever you prefer)!  But then, get this, SERENA DUMPS HIM!

Why, you ask?  Would you believe her explanation includes phrases like, “I need to find out who I am,” and “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for having “Single Ladies” on Gossip Girl, but I actually kind of like Serena and Nate together!  They’re sexy!  And I’d certainly rather have them with eachother than with anyone else (cough cough Dan, cough, Jenny, cough, Vanessa).  So, this contrived breakup between them, for seemingly no reason at all, bugged me a bit.  And if the reason was to help Serena couple with Dan, it bothers me even MORE!

Anywhoo . . . on to the REAL JUICY stuff . . .

How Jenny Screwed Over Chuck and Blair (and, by extension, the ENTIRE GG – Watching POPULATION!)

So, if you recall, last week Chuck “Affair to Remember”-ed Blair . . .

  . . . telling her that if she did not meet him at the top of the Empire State Building by 7:01 p.m., he would “close his heart to her forever.”

Now, initially, Blair is determined NOT TO GO!  And to prove it, she drags along wet blanket “Cameron” (I can’t believe this guy made it through THREE episodes already!  All he seems to do is follow Blair around silently, while she bitches people out and moons over Chuck!) . . .

“Yeah, but I just got my SAG card.  Who’s laughing now?”

 . . . and Poor Dorota, who is looking SO INCREDIBLY pregnant they practically have to roll the poor girl out of the limo.   It’s just plain cruel.  (And don’t you love how wet blanket Cameron was 100% OK with having a “chaperone” on his date?  What is with all these boys being such wimps this week?)

While Blair is trying to keep her mind occupied with purportedly “non-Chuck” related things, like telling off Jenny (if only she knew), and telling off Dan, fate seems to keep pulling her in another direction entirely.  Babblepuss Dan starts talking about “signs,” presumably in reference to himself and Serena (ick).   Blair is initially skeptical.  “Signs are for the religious, the stupid and the lower class,” she retorts angrily.

But then she sees this . . .

And suddenly, she knows what she has to do . . . meet THIS GUY!

 Sigh!

(The truly weird thing about this, is that I’m pretty sure Cameron was there THE WHOLE TIME Blair was having her epiphany . . .) 

Just when Blair is about to head off to the Empire State Building and reunite with Chuck . . . of course, Dorota’s water has to go and break.  So, now the crew (Cameron included) are headed to the hospital, instead of to the Empire State Building.  And this is when I start literally SCREAMING at my television.  “TEXT HIM BLAIR!  TELL HIM YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE!  HELLO?  IVY LEAGUE GIRL!  PUT ON YOUR THINKING CAP!” 

But I guess, if she did that, there wouldn’t be much of a story next season, right?

Name: Blair Waldorf; Age: 19; IQ: 155 (98% of episodes); 60 (season finale episodes)

So, Blair heads off to the hospital, to help Dorota deliver her baby.  And it’s Dorota (who, thankfully, is holding on to Blair’s extra IQ points for safe keeping), who tells “Mees Blair” to go meet up with Chuck ASAP.  Blair dashes off, and heads directly to the Empire State Building.

 But when she reaches the top, she’s devastated to find that Chuck has left.  The bouquet of flowers in the trash is a telltale sign to Blair that she has inadvertently broken Chuck’s heart (which could have been avoided, if she JUST texted him!)  We cut back to to the Bass apartment where Chuck is drowning his sorrows in booze, as per usual.  And of course, in comes Evil Jenny, needy and vulnerable, also as per usual, and ready to sink her claws into Chuck. 

Hey Gossip Girl writers!  Remember this?  It’s from the pilot.  You know when Chuck tried to DATE RAPE Jenny?  This is just one of the many reasons, any sort of hookup between them WON’T EVER WORK!

Jennny and Chuck begin knocking back the booze and muttering their respective “woe is me” tales to themselves.  Next thing you know, they are MAKING OUT!

And it is SO not sexy, I can’t even describe it.  Then, we see them in bed together.  And as a consolation prize for taking her V card, Chuck invites Jenny to stay the night.  But just when I was about to start banging my head against the coffee table, in walked Blair, carring the “trashed” flowers, as proof that she had, in fact, been up to the Empire State Building.

Blair FINALLY explains why she was late in arriving at the important destination.  In a sweet, if slightly sappy, scene, Blair admits to Chuck that she loves him, and wants to be with him, regardless of the inherent obstacles in their relationship.  (Jenny, thankfully, slips out the back, unseen.)  Chuck and Blair then embrace.  And if you listened real hard at that moment, you could hear the collective AWWWW heard round the world . . .

But back in HELL, SOMEONE is already plotting their revenge . . .

And despite all my bashing of her, I have to say, when Jenny was crying her heart out to Eric (love him!) because she lost her virginity to Chuck, I couldn’t help but feel just a teensy bit bad for her . . . even though she totally brought it on herself.  Maybe it was because she looked like such a Sad Clown, with those puffy eyes and that mascara running down her face . . .

To Eric’s credit, he DOESN’T tell Dan about Chuck and Jenny, but he DOES tell Dan that Jenny “needs help.”  Although we don’t get to see the exchange, we assume that Jenny admitted her indiscretion to Dan and Dan was MAD!

Meanwhile, Blair and Chuck are walking together, enjoying their re-coupledom, when Chuck pulls THIS out of his pocket . . .

Pretty right?  But am I the only one who thought it would be . . . BIGGER?  After all, this IS Chuck Bass we’re talking about.

“Will you . . .” Chuck begins . . . and then Dan appears out of nowhere and decks him!

And if that wasn’t bad enough, Sad Clown Jenny comes clomping in behind him. 

Blair takes one look at the situation and knows instantly what happened.  Unfortunately, Chuck cannot deny it.  He tries in vain to explain that he thought Blair had dumped him forever, and that’s why he did it.  But Blair doesn’t want to hear it.  And, frankly, as much as I love these two together, I can’t blame her.  She tells Jenny to leave the city or she will make her life miserable.  And Jenny complies!

Little J is purportedly heading down to live with her mother in Connecticut.  And I couldn’t help but think that, if the writers hadn’t made her character so gosh darn unlikeable (not to mention unstylish), this would have been the perfect opportunity to give Jenny that spinoff the show’s producers have always been talking about.  You know, the one based on that OTHER book series, written by the author of Gossip Girl, which just so happens to revolve around the Jenny Humphrey character – It Girl?

I think if they wanted to do it now, and have fans approve, they’d probably have to add an “SH” to the first word in the title . . . and the FCC just wouldn’t be down with that.

On Week Later

With Little J out of the way, the last few moments of the episode provide us with a glimpse of how our favorite Upper East Siders will be spending the summer . . .

Serena and Blair will be jetting off to Paris . . .

Super Sexy Nate ( admittedly, looking a bit less than sexy in his “farmer flannel” shirt from this episode) will be taking Chuck Bass’s place as the Upper East Side’s self-destructive and slutty bad boy, hooking up with random chicks, drinking hard, and not caring about anything or anyone.  Oooh! Mommy like!  I’ve been waiting for a “Nate’s Dark Side” storyline for awhile now . . . and it looks like I am about to get my wish!

Oh,  and Georgina came back . . .and she’s PREGNANT!

(And wearing Jenny’s weave from the looks of it.  I’m REALLY  hoping this isn’t a dye job.  For starters, it’s ugly.  For “finishers,” aren’t pregnant people not supposed to use hair dye?)

Anyway, guess who the dad is . . . Here’s a hint!

Baby’s First Text to Gossip Girl:  “I made a poopy diaper!”

I guess I don’t have to tell you what DAN will be doing this summer . . .

But it wasn’t until the final moments of the episode that the POO really hit the fan!  You see . . . Chuck . . .

 . . . was wandering drunkenly through a “bad” part of town (a.k.a. anything that isn’t the Upper East Side . . . or Upper West Side), when he gets mugged by some thugs.  At first, Chuck plays it smart, not fighting back, allowing them to take his wallet and watch.  But when they take the ring he bought for Blair, he suddenly finds himself overcome with emotion and begins to struggle.  Gun shots ring out, and suddenly the thugs are running away with the ring, while Chuck lies unconscious on the floor, blood seeping from a deep bullet wound in his stomach. 

And despite the fact that I can’t IMAGINE the writers would actually EVER kill off Chuck, unless they wanted the show to die right along with him, it was still an intensely emotional scene.  Well played Westwick!

All in all, it was a pretty exciting finale — a satisfying end to a mixed bag of a season — with much promise of better things to come in Season 4.  Thanks to all of you who have read my recaps, despite their length and high snarkiness quotient.  All joking and character bashing aside, I really do love this show.  I will definitely miss it this summer.  You can bet I will be spending plenty of time over at Chuck and Blair the Perfect Pair getting my GG fix, during those long hiatus months . . .

XOXO!

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For Your Lack of Consideration: A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Inglorious Bassterds”

First “The Hurt Locket,” now “Inglorious Bassterds?”  Looks like SOMEONE on the writing staff has an Oscar fetish . . .

A LONG, LONG time ago (1993 to be exact), LONG before many Gossip Girl fans were even alive, let alone allowed to see R-rated movies, there was a film called Indecent Proposal.

The movie revolves around a young married couple (Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson), who lose their life savings during a game of roulette.  A wealthy older man (Robert Redford) swoops in to “rescue” the couple from financial ruin.  He offers to give the pair one million dollars (which was A LOT more money back then, than it is now).  The catch?  In order to receive the money, the wife must a spend one night with the older man.  You can probably guess what happens next.  But in case you’re curious, and your Netflix queue is already full, you can get a nice Cliff Notes-esque synopsis here.

Tonight’s episode of Gossip Girl was, in effect, a homage to this classic film, and a good one at that.  But before we delve into the tragic tale of Chuck and Blair, let’s get the less important stuff out of the way.  Shall we?

The Bitch is Back!

“Like I ever left . . .”

Just in case last week’s episode of Gossip Girl had the intended effect of making you feel sorry for Jenny Humphrey (what with her being roofied, and almost gang-banged, and all), tonight’s episode should bring you back down to reality.  It is Nate Archibald’s birthday.  So, his GF Serena is throwing him a bizarro surprise party that involves a bunch of rich snobs wearing Polaroid pictures of themselves around their neck (SO LAST SEASON!), and ripping them off one another, while playing an “intense” game of Assassin. 

Huh?  Since when did Gossip Girl get all prude and teetotaling on me?  OK, now maybe this is just because I’m not from the UPPER EAST SIDE.  But in my experience, birthday parties for 19 and 20-year olds typically involve attendees getting wasted and naked, not playing a glorified game of tag.  

“Assassin!  How fun!  Then, after that, we can play a rousing game of pin the tail on the donkey!”

Anyway, in order to maintain the birthday “surprise,” Serena has to institute that ever over-used television cliché of “let’s treat the birthday boy like crap, so he thinks we don’t care about him turning a year older.”  And, apparently, The Brilliant Nate has never watched a  sitcom in his life, because he TOTALLY falls for it!  So, when Jenny tries to use the “surprise” to her advantage, and plays the “I was roofied and almost raped.  Woe is me” card, Nate blows off Serena, and agrees to spend the day with Little J.  As a result, Nate shows up extremely late to his own “fun” party . . .

“We would have come earlier, Serena.  But I just couldn’t seem to get Nate out of bed . . .”

During the game of Assassin, Jenny and Nate are the last pair standing.  Jenny makes a show of waving the white flag, claiming that Nate is entitled to be a winner on his birthday.  However, when he comes to collect her picture from her neck, Jenny plants a sloppy wet one on his lips, and pulls his picture first, winning the game.  Nate reminds Jenny that he is Serena’s boyfriend, and that he and Jenny can only be “friends.”  But Jenny, being the psycho stalker determined girl that she is, refuses to give up hope that one day she will win her man.  Word of advice to Nate:  Cover your balls and hide your pet bunny!

Jenny Humphrey circa 2030 . . .

In other news, Vanessa and Dan’s plotline of the evening ACTUALLY involved an argument over whether they truly appreciated eachother’s writing abilities.  And then, at the end of the episode, Vanessa “betrays” Dan by applying to the same college program as him, without telling him that she is doing so.  Seriously?  I’ve seen more risqué plotlines on Sesame Street!

“Some people just wouldn’t know fun, if it jumped in the tub with them and squeezed their Rubbie Duckie.”

And now for the GOOD stuff!

If you recall, last week, the EEEEVVIL Jack Bass (played by Desmond Harrington) stole Chuck’s hotel (conveniently named “The Empire”) out from under his nose.  When the episode opens, Chuck approaches Jack, tail between his legs, willing to do ANYTHING to get back his precious building.  Money is no object, of course.  Unfortunately, what Jack wants is something, or rather, someone, that money can’t buy.  Or can it?

Later, at an expensive store uptown, Jack finds Blair eyeing a peacock-looking dress.  Jack informs Blair that he offered Chuck the hotel in exchange for a night with Blair (sound familiar?), but Chuck turned it down.  Jack explains to Blair that Chuck is too proud to accept his offer, and that only SHE can save the hotel for her boyfriend.  Blair initially balks at the idea, but reconsiders it, when Chuck tells her that his hotel is lost for good, and that he has no shot of ever getting it back.  When a package from Jack is delivered to Blair, later that evening, containing the peacock dress inside, Blair reluctantly puts it on, and heads off into the night.  Later, Chuck finds the empty box with the telltale letter inside, and immediately assumes the worst.

One peacock dress for one night spent with a pea-sized cock?

At the hotel, EEEVVIL Jack makes a show of attempting to seduce Blair, but she’s not having it.  She just wants to get this over with so Chuck can get his “Empire” back.  She issues Jack a contract, already signed by her, whereby Jack sells the hotel back to Chuck for a modest profit.  (Note to Blair:  Courts don’t look too favorably on contracts for which the main “consideration” is prostitution . . .  Just saying.) 

Blair makes Jack promise not to tell Chuck their secret.  (Yeah, because in the past, Jack Bass has been SUCH a man of his word.)

“You’re secret’s safe with me, Mistress Number 27!”

Jack agrees to Blair’s terms and signs the contract.  But he surprises her, by ending the engagement early, after doing nothing more than planting a chaste kiss on her lips.  WHAT?????  NO SEX???  NOT EVEN FROM EVIL JACK BASS?  CLEARLY, I AM WATCHING THE WRONG SHOW!

But this is when things really get interesting.  You see, according to Jack, CHUCK orchestrated this whole thing.  Jack claims that he forced Chuck to choose between the Empire and Blair.  And Chuck chose the EMPIRE!

By the look on Blair’s face, you could tell she TOTALLY believes Jack.  But my bullshit meter was going off the charts.    “He is so full of crap!  Don’t believe him Blair!”  I yell at my television, in vain.

What happens next, shocks the heck out of me.  Blair confronts Chuck and he . . . ADMITS THE WHOLE THING!  Chuck claims that he had to keep the terms of his agreement with Jack a secret, otherwise Blair never would have gone through with it.  Then, Chuck would not have gotten his hotel back. 

Blair, of course, dumps Chuck’s ass.  And Chuck is left alone with his Empire.  I hope Chuck got a lot of joy out having security escort Jack from the building, because something tells me, that’s the last time he’s going to experience any sort of pleasure for a LONG TIME!

Now, call me an idealist, but I’m still not entirely sure that Chuck actually DID agree to let Blair sleep with Jack.  Something about Chuck’s expression when he saw that empty dress box, told me that he was truly heartbroken over Blair’s decision.  It’s possible that Chuck lied to Blair in order to save his pride, because he couldn’t look at her, knowing all that she sacrificed for him.  I could be wrong.  But I HOPE I’m right . . .

Until next time . . . XOXO

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