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Jar of My Tears – A Recap of New Girl’s “Backslide”

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I actually find this really impressive, Nick.  My tears always evaporate or my face, or fall into my lap, before I can manage to put them in a jar. What you did takes real dedication!  (Now, go  take a shower, and get a haircut.)

Backsliding . . . falling off the wagon . . . relapsing . . . engaging in self-destructive behavior . . . being BAAAAAAAD.  We’ve all done it before.  And, I hate to say it, but we’re all going to do it again, sooner or later.  We’re human.  And it’s natural to fall back on bad habits, return to bad relationships, and make the same mistakes over and over again.

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Deep down we know it’s bad for us.  But it just feel soooooo good, when it’s happening, that sometimes, it’s just too hard to resist.

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That’s really what this episode of New Girl was about . . . all the bad decisions we make when we are lonely, horny, have had too much to drink, or are suffering from a broken penis heart.

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Let’s review shall we . . .

The River of Self Pity

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Poor Jess!  Dumping Russell sure brought out the emo chick in her . . . with her big glasses, and and her, make-you-wanna-slit-your-wrist depressing music, playing on endless loop throughout the night, and her being curled up in a ball in her pajamas making Pouty Face all day!  (See, Nick and Jess NEED to be together!  They even cope with breakups in the same ridiculously melodramatic way.)

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Question:  When you are the DUMPER in the relationship, do you earn the right to your Melodramatic Depression, in the way that the DUMPEE does?  I’m saying, if the DUMPEE didn’t like . . . cheat on you . . . or something.

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Because I’m going to go out on a limb, and say “no.”  I think when you find the courage to get out of a relationship, for no other reason than the fact that being in it doesn’t make you happy, you should be doing this . . .

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Or this . . .

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(Sadly, watching this clip made me realize that this is exactly how I look when I dance.)

 Not this . . .

This, I think, is why Jess’ roommates were a lot less supportive of her moping, than, perhaps, they would have been otherwise.  Take, for example, Winston’s “cheery” remarks about The Soundtrack of Jess’ Discontent . . .

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Or Schmidt’s remark when she finally turned off the music . . . “No . . . wait!  Turn it back on!  After 80 times, I finally get it!  It’s . . . A RIVER!”

Oh, but Nick was the worst offender by far!  Literally dancing your new-old girlfriend around in front of the girl who’s, not only nursing a broken heart, but, quite obviously  in love with you, is cold man . . . just cold.

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But hey!  It was YOUR obnoxious antics that finally managed to get Jess out of the house!  So, way to go, Nick I LOVE YOU! you sexy sneaky bastard you!

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“Take off your skis, and wait for your family in the lodge!”

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 Later, at That Random Bar Where Nick Works (which I’m starting to think is the New Girl equivalent of TVD’s Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls) . . .

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Schmidt explains to Jess the dangers of “Backsliding,” and hides her Bunny-Shaped cell phone, so she doesn’t drunk dial Russell in a moment of weakness.  What Schmidt doesn’t count on, is Jess having a run-in with Nick Miller, Backslider Extraordinaire.  He explains that terrible, emotionally abusive, relationships CAN be magically turned into good and healthy ones!  It’s just a matter of timing . . .

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Don’t listen to him, Jess.  He doesn’t realize he’s madly in love with you yet. He knows not what he says!

But it’s too late.  The Seeds of Backslide have already been planted in Jess’ fertile mind . . .

Next thing you know, Jess has managed to retrieve her phone from Schmidt’s coat.  She makes That Call . . .

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But it’s not to who you think . . . She’s going to call Nick, right? Please let it be Nick.  Oh . . . wait . . . Nick is still in the bar.  Damn!

The Tale of the Slow Motion Sneeze 

So, you guys remember Paul?  You know, the guy who dressed like a gourd . . . and who Jess started dating during the Thanksgiving episode?  The one she had really bad sex with . . . who Nick was super jealous of hated . . . who broke up with Jess when he realized she didn’t love him yet . . . even though they’d only been dating for a few weeks, when it happened?  Yeah . . . he’s back.  That’s a wayyyy bigger backslide than returning Russell, don’t you think?

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Oh, and here’s another thing you probably didn’t know about Paul.  He’s a really ugly crier.  You know, kind of like this guy . . .

And this one . . .

Jess describes Paul’s crying as a cry-smile, and a “slow motion sneeze.”  In a moment, you will see why . . .

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Here’s my question.  Weren’t Jess and Paul only actually dating for a few weeks?  What the heck did she do to him to make him cry so much in that short amount of time?  Did she beat him repeatedly with sharp objects?  Did she try to extract his teeth from his mouth, while he was sleeping?  Because, I’m thinking this relationship had WAY worse problems than just bad sex, and rushed “I love yous.”  Just saying . . .

 Despite the obvious warning signs, Nick’s jumping headfirst into a repeat doomed-to-fail relationship with Caroline, seems to make Jess more determined than ever to couple up with Paul again.  She rushes to his classroom to tell him as much.  And it’s there that Paul reveals HIS deep dark secret . . . He has a serious girlfriend . . . one who kind of/sort of looks like an Asian-version of Jess .  . . complete with Minnie Mouse-style clothing, emo glasses, and some seriously thick bangs . . .

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Moral-to-a-fault, Jess initially seems determined to rat Paul out to her Asian Alter Ego.  But Paul ends up beating her to the punch.  And it’s at that moment that we learn that Asian Jess is also an incredibly Ugly Crier.  Clearly, this is a match made in adorkable Heaven.  Jess knows “true love” when she sees it except when it comes to her and Nick.  And she’s not about to let it pass by her ex . . .

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Jess even goes as far as to help Paul propose to her Asian self . . .  right there in the classroom . . . minutes after the chick found out she was cheated on.  It was the most awkward .  . . awful . . . proposal ever . . . and yet so very Paul.  Asian Jess said yes! Some kid in the class played here comes the bride on his clarinet .  . . It was beautiful.

OK . . . not really.  But it did cause Jess to have an epiphany about love, and why it’s important not to settle for a relationship that, deep down, you know, will fail.  When a relationship is right for you, you’ll know it, as soon as you’re in it!  (At least that’s how it works on TV!)

Jess rushes home.  She can’t wait to share her new wisdom with Nick so that she can stop him mid-backslide.  But will he listen?

“Summer’s Day is not a B*tch!”

 How very Clockwork Orange of you!

Speaking of jumping into things wayyyyy too fast, in the course of a single episode,  Nick has gone from seducing Caroline in his bedroom with incense and the song “Sentimental Reasons” to contemplating moving in with the chick . . .

Serious times call for serious measures.   So Winston and Schmidt stage an intervention, literally holding his eyes open, and forcing him to watch a video he made of himself, back during his last breakup with Caroline.  It was a dark time for Nick . . . He looked like Jesus . . .

 . . . if Jesus was a homeless crazy person.  He wouldn’t leave his couch.  And spent his days collecting his own tears, and writing Caroline poems . . . like this one . . .

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That’s beautiful, Nick!  Shakespeare couldn’t have said it better himself. 

Any sane person would have taken one look at the video, and gone running from that relationship, as fast as their legs could carry them.  But not Nick.  The allure of sandwiches, sex, and not being alone was just too powerful for him . . .

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He knows what he has to do . . .

In slightly less depressing news . . .

“Emotional intimacy turns you on?”

Cece decides to take Schmidt and his Broken Penis to the one place where he can’t possibly become aroused . . . an old age home.

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It’s there that Schmidt meets Cece’s Granny, who has something important to tell him about the state of their current relationship . . .

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But there’s just something about seeing Schmidt conversing with all these old people about how to make relationships work that warms the cockles of Cece’s heart.  (Personally, I’ve never really understood that phrase.  What the heck are “cockles,” anyway?  They sound dirty.)  She tells Schmidt that, for the first time in her life, she wants to be in a real relationship.  And she wants to be in one with him . . .

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Annnnnnnd then he screams in agony, and passes out from the pain.

Apparently, all this healthy, happy, talk of love and long-term relationships was just too much for poor Schmidt’s crooked knotted wizard staff of a weiner to take.

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Oh Schmidt.  You really are a woman, aren’t you?  Then again, that’s why we love you . . .

“Captain Black Sparrow.”

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Attention:  We interrupt this recap for a segment during which I do nothing but share gifs that make fun of Winston’s perpetually expanding in size, and increasingly ridiculous earring . . . (Thank, i-heart-vampire-series.tumblr for all the great Winston gifs below.)

 

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We now return to your regularly scheduled recap . . .

“You deserve love.”

Do you like a little romance, and unrequited angst with your comedy?

We’ve got some of that!  Things actually start out really promising.  It’s the end of the episode.  Jess has just had her epiphany about true love, and not having to settle for less.  She rushes to tell future soul mate Nick all about it, and finds him fresh out of the shower, looking all nakey and hot  . . .

It’s enough to get any girl flustered.  Fortunately, Jess has her speech pre-prepared.  And it’s a good one . . . complete with it’s very own Tom Waits impersonation.  (Though, to be honest.  I don’t know who Tom Waits is . . . never heard him speak . .. and thought she sounded more like the Cookie Monster.)    Jess tells Nick that he’s wrong about love and timing.  She tells him that when love is real, and right.  It’s right all the time.

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She tells him she loves him thinks he’s the best, and that he doesn’t have to settle.

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She says all the right things.  And she says them, while looking deeply into eyes and naked chest with such intensity and passion, that Nick can’t possibly do anything else but grab her  face and kiss her, right?

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Except he doesn’t . . . instead he tells her he signed the lease to move in with Caroline that morning.  And then . . . he just . . . leaves.

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But hey, it’s not over until Jess sings her final theme song of the season, right?  We’ve still got one more episode left!

Next week, in “See Ya,” the New Girl Season Finale, Jess and Nick almost get eaten by a coyote . . .

Horny the Coyote approves! 

Roll the clip, Maestro . . .

Until next time, New Girlians!

[juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Change Your Partner, Change the Game: A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Homecoming Hangover”

To call tonight’s installment of Pretty Little Liars a “game changer” is a bit of an overstatement . . . a very cliched overstatement.  And yet, in the most literal sense of the term, that’s what “Homecoming Hangover” was.  After all, this was the episode where everything  . . . CHANGED.  Formerly “hot” romances fizzled out  . . .

I still haven’t given up hope, Wren!  COME BACK!

. . . recently broken relationships were mended, new prospective couplings blossomed, and a MAJOR suspect may very well have been taken out of commission for good.

Now that you know all of the rules have changed, what do you say we start playing the game?

“I Was Hunted Down by Creepy Toby, and All I Got Was This Lame Wrist Brace . . .”

“Thank goodness for this stylish butterfly stitch on my forehead, or you might have never known I was recently in ‘GRAVE DANGER.'”

When the episode opens, Aria, Spencer, and Hanna are still at the Homecoming Dance, searching for Emily when they find her cell phone on the ground . . . along with some broken glass . . . and BLOOD!

“I TOLD Emily she should have never chosen the theme song from The Shining as her ringtone.  That’s just asking for trouble.”

But fear not, boys and girls.  Emily is not dead . . .

 . . . She’s just out for a romantic, late night car ride . . . except, she’s all bloody . . . and unconscious . . .  and Creepy Toby is behind the wheel . . .

Now, those of you who truly believed that Toby would chop up Emily into little bite-sized pieces, and eat them with french fries, have clearly never watched an ABC Family show.  Because in the next scene, Emily is chilling in her bedroom with no injuries at all, except for what appears to be a sprained wrist, and a small, very attractive, cut on her forehead.  Then again, maybe Emily suffered some  brain internal injuries, invisible to the human eye, because she was inexplicably on bedrest for two days. 

As it turns out, Creepy Toby . . .

“That’s ME!”

 . . . merely drove Emily’s unconscious body to the hospital, dumped it near the entranceway, and skipped town on his motorcycle, faster than you could say “raving lunatic.”

The next morning, cops swarmed upon Emily’s home, inquiring as to both Toby’s whereabouts and the location of his psychological records, which seemed to have gone missing that same night (because Hanna took them). 

“Oh yeah!  I’m one Bad Ass Chica!”

At some point during the evening (not sure if it was when Toby was chasing her around the school like a mad man, or dragging her, limp unconscious body into his car), Emily decides that Toby is a “totally sweet guy . . . just misunderstood.” What a moron!  So, she comes up with the brilliant idea to lie to the cops on his behalf, by claiming that her injuries were due merely to her own clumsiness, and nothing more. 

Unfortunately for Emily (and Creepy Toby), precisely NO ONE believes her story, particularly not Emily’s mom.  In fact, Mommy Dearest sees this as a BRILLIANT opportunity to lecture the recently beat up Emily for EMBARASSING her family, by having the NERVE to go to the prom with someone SO UNCOOL!

I don’t understand, Emily.  Why can’t you just date statutory rapists in their mid twenties, like your friends do?”

While Emily is resting up in bed with her barely there injuries, she receives some visitors.  First up are Spencer and Aria, who inform Emily about Toby’s whole “Sister Sex with Blind Jenna” Thing.  Emily who has always really wanted a hot brother to screw, is not quite sure what to do with this information.  Fortunately, My New Favorite Character, Hanna, arrives next, to put things into perspective . . . . She sweetly (and wisely) tells Emily that being a Lesbian is WAY better than dating a Sister F**ker who may very well also be a Stalker / Killer, like Creepy Toby.

Third on the guest list is Blind Jenna . . .

. . . who seems to have replaced her Cane of Destruction with a Hound from Hell.  Blind Jenna’s Guide Dog was so menacing and unstable looking, that if this was a different show, I would have sworn it was Creepy Toby in werewolf form . . .

Jenna also brings cookies, which she insists that Emily eat with milk because it helps the poison in them go down easier.

Fortunately, for Emily, she has seen Snow White enough times to know that taking food from Creepy People is a Bad Idea.  So, she leaves the cookies untouched.  Upon realizing that Emily knows about Creepy Toby’s missing psych file, Blind Jenna begs her for its safe return.  Emily promises Blind Jenna that she will do everything in her power to keep the latter’s Brother F*c*ing Secret safe, by retrieving the file.  However, when Emily texts the other Pretty Little Liars regarding said promise, they have already thrown the file in the LAKE, fully in tact.  

Riiiiiight . . . because NO ONE is going to find it THERE!  Haven’t these girls ever heard of a SHREDDER?

NO!  Not THAT Shredder!  THIS Shredder . . .

Only two can keep a secret, if one of them is SHRED . . .

During this episode, Emily also wins a car . . .

and decides to make a go of it with her lady crush, Maya . . .

 . . . which I would be excited about . . . if these two weren’t the most BORING lesbian couple on the entire planet  . . .

Hanna learns the joys of YouTube . . . and Lucas

“Hey, Hanna!  I found this GREAT video where they make fun of all the girls from Pretty Little Liars.  Wanna see?”

The next day at school, Hanna has to take a makeup picture, for the yearbook, wearing her Homecoming Queen crown. Hanna’s photographer is none other than THIS GUY  . . .

 . . . no . . . actually it’s not him. 

However, OUR guy, Lucas, looks and acts JUST LIKE Seth Cohen from The O.C., which undoubtedly has a lot to do with why I like him so much.  After initially getting adorably shy and flustered around Hanna, upon seeing her once again decked out in her homecoming finest, Lucas quickly develops an easy repoire with the Queen Bee, tossing cute jokes and sarcastic quips her way, as he hones in on her with his camera lens. 

Then, unfortunately, the Boring, Quite Possibly Gay, Sean has to come and ruin everything, with his bitchy attitude and his blubbering about how Hanna ditched him at the dance.    Boo Hoo, Rich Popular Jock Boy, the world’s smallest violin is performing an entire concert in your honor . . .

Beauty and the D-Bag.

Did I mention that this A-hole couldn’t even be bothered to put on a PAIR OF PANTS, before appearing in the photo shoot?  (Then again, Sean was probably just trying to hit on Lucas, by showing him his hot dog . . .)

It’s a tough job, but SOMEONE has to be Sean’s little weiner.

 Sean ultimately throws a temper tantrum, and storms out of the room, leaving Hanna and Lucas alone to flirt with eachother.

Later, Hanna and Lucas bond over the wonderful world of YouTube, and, in particular, a video involving a Snowboarding Turkey.

Not exactly the video I would have chosen to help land ME a date.  But it seemed to work prettyh well for Lucas.  So who am I to judge?

While enjoying their YouTube, Lucas and Hanna learned that they both had something else in common: both had a bad high school nickname bestowed upon them by none other than the Now Dead Ali . . .

Lucas’ was “Herme the Hermaphodite,” because Ali didn’t like his glasses (Huh?  I don’t get it.)  Hanna was “Hefty Hanna” (Now, that one I get, at least).  Wise Lucas then asks Hanna what many Pretty Little Liars fans have undoubtedly been thinking since the start of this show.  Namely, “Why the heck did you all hang out with Ali, if she was such a b*tch?”  (Well, put Seth Cohen Lucas!)

Hanna spouts off some nonsense about Ali having a way of “making people feel special.”  However, I suspect the REAL reason for their friendship was that Ali had a way of “making people popular.”

At the end of the episode, Hanna makes up with Sean, but soon learns that HE, unlike Lucas, has NO appreciation for Snowboarding YouTube Turkeys OR Loud Music (two things which should clearly signify the death knell for ANY high school relationship).  Worry not, Sean . . . you’ll always have Jesus . . .

First Wren Leaves, Now Fitzy, What is this show coming to?

Watch with a heavy heart, as those pasty twig legs and dweeby haircut ride off into the sunset  . . . alone.

But before I get to Fitzy, there’s something else you should know about Sean.  Aside from loving Jesus, and hating Snowboarding Turkeys, he’s also a two-timing bastard.  He taught us that, when he sent a huge bouquet of flowers to his girlfriend’s best friend, Aria, in hopes that doing so would help him to get into her pantalones, pronto.  (By the way, I’m not buying Sean’s whole “abstinence thing” for a minute.   Are you?)

Say what you want about Aria, but she KNOWS bullshit when she sees it.  Suspecting that Sean is only feigning interest her to get back at Hanna for her Homecoming Dance antics, Aria calls Sean out on his behavior, extracting a heartfelt apology from him, in the process.  Aria’ is lucky that this incident blew over fast, because she REALLY doesn’t have time for any more BS in her life.  She’s already chock full.  During this episode, Aria had to deal with the trial separation of her mother and father, AND her brother’s acting out in school . . .

To further complicate matters, overnight, her lover, Ezra a.k.a. Fitzy, seemed to have went the way of Wren and Creepy Toby — having disappeared into thin air overnight (They REALLY are dropping like flies, aren’t they?  It SURE doesn’t help your employment status to have a weiner on this show!). 

Desperate for answers, Aria heads to Fitzy’s apartment, and lets herself in using the hide-a-key he has left under his welcome mat. 

REALLY, Fitzy?  A HIDE-A-KEY?  Under a WELCOME MAT?  In an APARTMENT COMPLEX?  You might has well put a sign on your door that says, “Please Rob Me!”

Anyway, soon after Aria is safely inside Fitzy’s apartment, she hears a message on his answering machine from a nearby high school.  Apparently, Fitzy is applying for a job out of town.  Aria is crushed, though I’m not exactly sure why.  If Fitzy starts teaching elsewhere, Aria and him can bone without fear of repercusion for the whole “student / teacher thing.”  Then again . . . there’s still the whole “statutory rape” thing on the table.  Fitzy can’t exactly make that one disappear, now can he?

Spencer Shish-Kabobs and Salsas into Alex’s Heart

While Aria was LOSING her OLD man (emphasis on the OLD), Spencer was digging her claws into her NEW one.  With Wren seemingly no where to be found he’s probably off shooting a pilot episode somewhere, Spencer has devoted herself wholeheartedly to getting Alex’s pants. 

 Her campaign begins in the kitchen at the country club where Spencer plays and Alex works.  Spencer barges in to apologize for her bad behavior during the Homecoming Dance.  Clearly turned on by Spencer’s persistence and agression, Alex quickly forgives her and agrees to give her another chance, provided she let HIM pick the terms of the couple’s next date.  Spencer is overjoyed.

One – Love. (Two, if you count Wren, which I STILL DO!)

Just in case you forgot what he looks like . . .

Unfortunately, on the day of the Big Date, Alex calls Spencer to cancel, claiming he has to work.  Knowing the country club is closed that day, Spencer quickly becomes convinced that she has been stood up.   So, she does what any good stalker girlfriend would do, she heads to the country club, to catch him in a lie.  Except that, the jokes on her, because, HE’S WORKING AFTER ALL!

You’ve really gotta hand it to Spencer.  Rather than leave with her tail between her legs, she insists on sticking around to help Alex skewer shish kabobs.  She even wears a HAIR NET!  Now, if that’s not love, I don’t know what is . . .

Love means never having to get your hair in the mashed potatos.

And I have to say, despite a slight tiff involving a defaced photograph of Spencer hanging in the kitchen supply closet (someone who works there is apparently not a fan), these two made a mighty cute couple.   As the pair cooked and listened to the radio, an adorably booty shaking Alex (who has a really cute butt, by the way) commandeered Spencer to participate in a surprisingly spicy salsa dance.  And while it wasn’t quite enough to make me jump ship and switch to Team Alex, it WAS fun to watch . . .

At the end of the episode, two fairly important (and spooky) things happened:

(1) Creepy Toby’s Creepy Motorbike was found mangled in the woods.   He is now believed by authorities to be dead.  This prompted the Absent- for- NEARLY – An- ENTIRE Episode, A to, text the following message to Emily:  ‘Thank you for getting Toby out of the way for me;”

(2) That weird leather jacket-wearing, black-gloved person (who must be REALLY hot wearing all those layers, by the way, seeing as it always seems to be pretty sunny in the fictional town of Rosewood) retrieved Creepy Toby’s Creepy Sister F&*king Psych Evaluation from the lake.

So, there you have it.  “Homecoming Hangover” in a nutshell.  All in all, I thought it was a pretty solid, well acted, at times, even surprising, episode.  What did you think?

 

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“A” is for Attention Whore (and A-hole) – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Can You Hear Me Now?”

Damn that “A”!  She’s like a pesky little toddler — you know, the one who is always standing on her head, doing cartwheels, and annoyingly tugging on your shirt, while continually screaming, “Look at ME!  Look at ME!”  . . . during a funeral service  . . . for her Grandma.  As the weeks progress, “A” just seems to get more  and more insistent on keeping the girls’ attention, with her mean-spirited messages and evil tricks. 

This week, the girls actually did what I thought they should have done in the first episode (well . . . after calling the cops, of course).  Namely, they made a concerted and unified effort to cut off all communication with the mysterious “A.”  Well, it turns out, when it comes to Stalker Teens, I’m not nearly the expert I thought I was.  Because this actually ended up being a HUGE MISTAKE!  

Let’s revisit, shall we?

Spencer Ruins Saves the Day!  (And the girls sexually harrass Mr. Fitz.)

The first moments of the episode, feature our favorite cyber-stalking victims, gathered on a park bench. (Well. . .  the first few moments, aside from Hanna’s SUPER lame, blink-and-you’ll miss it, run-in with the cops, which I refuse to recognize as an actual scene, due to its sheer pointless ridiculousness.  “So, you STOLE and totalled someone’s car, Hanna the Infamous Shoplifter?  No big deal!  At least you’re not fat anymore . . .),.

The purpose of this bonding session?  To create a memorial for Alison, the same “Dead” Chick who currently seems to be making all their lives a living hell.  And, based on the flashbacks shown, Alison more or less made their lives a living hell, while she was alive too.  

“Kiss my psycho stalking ASS, BITCHES!  If you don’t, I’ll never make you cheap ugly friendship bracelets AGAIN!”

(SERIOUSLY!  Even BEFORE she died, Alison seemed like a majorly annoying, judgmental b*tch!  Why did these girls bother hanging out with her, in the first place?  I can understand Emily, because she obviously had a BIG lesbian crush on the girl.  And Hanna needed Alison to make her popular, despite her weight.  But Aria and Spencer?  I just don’t get it . . .)

So, anyway, the girls fight a bit about which one of them should get stuck holding on to Dead Alison’s fug bracelet.  Fortunately, Spencer, who clearly enjoys stealing other people’s things (like, for example, their term papers and their boyfriends), gallantly offers to take the ugly piece of fabric back to her place for some “good loving.”

For SALE!  The one and only friendship bracelet that spent time in an ACTUAL coffin and LIVED TO TELL THE TALE!  If you sniff closely, you can even SMELL the rotted flesh!  It can be yours for the price of $29.99 (plus shipping, handling, and a small portion of the corpse’s estate tax.)

Then, Spencer, who apparently takes her laptop EVERYWHERE (including the bathroom), randomlywhips it out (no pun intended), and uses it to prevent herself from receiving texts, calls or e-mails from any and all unknown numbers.  (Who knew small town parks had such excellent WiFi?)  The other girls borrow the computer from Spencer and quickly follow suit.

While they are doing that, Mr. Fitz rides by on his bicycle.  Fitzy is looking Super Femme, with his ghostly pale stick legs and tight ass bicycle shorts.

“LIVE STRONG, underage minors that I will eventually screw!  LIVE STRONG!”

Although I was fairly unimpressed with the whole “Fitz and Bicycle” package, the girls apparently liked it just fine.  Spencer and Hanna, in particular, took joy in hooting and hollering at Fitzy, with all the class and tact of an overweight construction worker, or a middle-aged Wall Street type, trying desperately to “score some hos” at an overpriced, slightly seedy, Titty Bar.  Noticeably silent during this love fest, were Closet Lesbian, Emily, and Aria, who totally could have totally shouted out “I’ve tapped that” . . . but didn’t (unfortunately, because that would have been funny).

Just when the girls are beginning to celebrate their newfound freedom to sexually harrass their professors without killjoy “A” looking over their shoulders, an “Alison is Lost” flyer conveniently falls in their laps.  “Ding Dong the B*tch is Dead!” is scrawled across the front in marker.

My sentiments exactly . . .

Re-Learning To Kill a Mockingbird, as taught by a Very Pissy Professor

“That Scout character seemed kind of cute.  Think she would date me?”

At school, Aria once again visits Ezra Fitz in between classes, to tell him how much fun her friends had objectifying his man parts at the park the other day.  Fitzy’s eyes noticeably lightup, as he mulls over the possibility of a Pretty Little Fivesome, with himself as centerpiece.  But, for now, he will have to settle for being a One-Cradle kind of Robber.  He tells Aria that they need to “talk,” and invites her over to his studio apartment for some noodles and sex.  Aria, desperate to learn what’s underneath those bicycle shorts, promptly agrees.

Fitzy and Aria start talking about how Aria thinks her dad is probably boinking the teaching assistant again.  When Fitzy gently suggests that she let her parents work out their problems in their own way, Aria gets WAY TOO UPSET!  Suddenly, she’s going at Fitzy like a pit bull in heat, only not in a hot way.  In fact, Aria actually kind of reminded me of Joe Pesci in that famous scene from Goodfellas.  Except, instead of repeatedly asking Fitzy whether he thought she was efffing “funny,” she continually demanded to know whether he thought she was effing “immature.”

“So what?  You think I’m a BABY!  A f*&king BABY?  Like I’m immature?  Do I look like a wear a f*&king poopy diaper to YOU?”

Aria then storms out of the house, leaving Fitzy to clean up the trail of poopy and spitup his baby left behind . . .

The next day in Mr. Fitz’s class, the group get into a discussion about Harper Lee’s classic novel, To Kill a Mockingbird.

And the whole scene made me feel as old as dirt.  I read the novel my freshman year of high school (which wasn’t THAT long ago, mind you).  However, upon viewing this scene, I quickly realized that, while I recalled a few general things about the characters in the story, I remembered next to nothing about its plot.  It truly shames me to say that, before I wrote this recap, I headed off to Wikipedia, and read the To Kill a Mockingbird entry, in hopes of truly understanding what went down here. 

First off, you just knew Fitzy was in a BAD MOOD, when he started calling Atticus Finch a hypocrite.  Now, like I said, I don’t remember that much about the book, but I KNOW that NOBODY messes with ATTICUS!  That’s like the literary equivalent of kicking the Pope in the nuts.

“You are going DOWN, Fitzy, you muthaf*&ka!”

Fitzy’s point, I think, was that, while Atticus looked down his nose at his hometown, for its failure to provide justice for Tom Robinson, he was more than willing to help Boo Radley escape the arm of justice, after the latter had killed Bob Ewell.  Aria then makes some lame argument about there being an equal “exchange,” and Atticus’s son Jem having been “raised right.” 

Fitzy interrogates Aria, like a scorned lover, in front of the ENTIRE class.  Then, when another student tries to offer his opinion, Fitzy jumps down his throat for no reason whatsoever.  Later that night, Aria, scolds Fitzy for his bad behavior.  They kiss and make up . . .

 The Femme Ranger rides AGAIN!

But then, Aria comes home to find that “A” has spilled the beans to her mom about her father’s affair through a letter.   The letter seems to suggest that Aria knew about the affair all along (which she did).  Aria’s mom looks PISSED!

Creepy Toby strikes again!

“Emily, after Chem Lab, I would very much like to eat your liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.  Sound good?”

Like I said, I don’t remember much about To Kill A Mockingbird.  But I DO remember the characters.  Particularly, I remember reading about Boo Radley.  I  remember how,  for most of the book, I was absolutely certain the dude was a child molester.  And then, at the end of the novel, Boo ended up being kind of a nice guy. . . just misunderstood (Sorry for spoiling it for you, if you haven’t read it yet.)  It’s highly possible that the writers wanted us to feel that way about Toby Cavanaugh by the end of this episode — namely, that he is a nice guy who is simply misunderstood. 

That might end up being true.   But you know what?   He still creeps the crap out of me!  I wouldn’t be at all surprised if, next week, we learn that Toby chopped off the heads of the kids who put shaving cream in his locker this week, and used their teeth to make a neckace . . .

 At the beginning of the episode, Emily is flirting with her almost-girlfriend, Maya, when the latter gives the former a bright red leash scarf.

Emily seems flattered by Maya’s gift.  However, she is so embarrassed by the prospect of people knowing the two of them are “an item,” that she takes it off, anytime anyone seems to be watching her.  So, of course, Emily’s new lab partner, Creepy Toby, has to make some awkward comment about how “nice” it looks on her, even though he only actually saw her wearing it for a split second.  Emily freaks out a bit when she opens her chemistry book, and finds in it those missing pictures from last week of Emily and Maya making out in the photobooth.

When Emily confronts Maya about this, she denies having anything to do with putting the photos in Emily’s book.  However, she doesn’t appear to be particularly concerned about their being made public.  Later in the episode, Emily more or less “dumps” Maya, claiming she needs “her space.”

Toward the end of the episode, Emily confronts Toby about the photos, when she finds him lurking around late at night near her garbage can. (Oh, I’m serious!)  Toby also claims not to have put the photos in her chemistry book, and basically denies ever having even seen them.  He then makes this long drawn out speech about “being yourself” and “not caring what others think of you,” that, again, was supposed to be nice, and, again, I found INSANELY creepy . . .  Hide your pet bunnies, Emily!

Open Wide, Hanna  . . .

Be careful, Hanna!  I read that excessive tears can cause weight gain!

So after enduring that pesky little grand theft auto issue (notice how it took WEEKS of Hanna’s mom screwing Deputy Douchey to expunge Hanna’s record of her minor shoplifting offense, but the car theft is just a blip on the radar), Hanna needs some time to unwind.  She is excited to receive a call from her long absent pompous ass of a father.  Convinced that her dad wants her back in her life, Hanna practically sprints to her father’s car.  However, she becomes suspicious when her father makes some snide remark about her “poor driving skills.”  (Haha, this guy’s a LAUGH riot!  He should really get his own comedy show . . . Yeah, I’m being sarcastic.  Papa Marin sucks!) 

“Did you come here because of the car?”  Hanna inquires, eyes blinking back tears.

“No, that would require me to actually give two sh*ts about you, which I don’t.”   Hanna’s father doesn’t admit or deny her daughter’s accusation.  Instead, he takes her to dinner in order to reveal to her the real reason for his visit.

Apparently, while Hanna was busy stealing clothing, crashing cars, making out with her possibly gay boyfriend, and dieting, Papa Marin was getting his screw on with his Stepford Wife-esque new fiance, and fathering her instantly unlikeable daughter, Kate.  Understandably, Hanna doesn’t take the news too well.  She copes with the situation by more or less threatening to murder Kate at sea, while the latter theoretically teacher her how to sail. 

 (Honestly, can you blame her?  Just looking at this self-righteous chick makes me want to revise my current views on gun control!)

When called out for her mean spiritedness, Hanna replies by passive aggressively saying, “What?  It’s a joke.  And this is a fork!”  (Apparently, Hanna hopes to one day add “homicide” to her growing list of criminal offenses.)  When Hanna’s father informs her that she will be paying off the cost of Sean’s car repairs by working at his father’s dentist office, she takes the opportunity to make another jibe at Kate and her rather large, fake teeth . . .

And yet, by the end of the night, it’s “A,” who gets the last laugh.  While Hanna is driving home from dinner (Wait!  They are still letting her DRIVE?), she learns that someone has made a dedication to her on the radio!

But it’s from A . . .

The song is called “I Don’t Need You Anymore,” and it more or less adequately describes the way Hanna’s father is treating her.  Ouch A!  Under the circumstances, threatening to kill Hanna at sea, or making fun of her horse teeth would have been WAY more humane!

And the Reward for Most Adorable Drunk Ever Goes To . . .

So, depending on how you look at it, Spencer is either having the best or the worst day ever.  On one hand, Spencer has been nominated for the prestigious Golden Orchid writing award.

. . . but it’s for a paper she STOLE from her sister.

She’s home alone, because the rest of her family went away to Europe and left her there to rot.

And SOMEONE BREAKS INTO HER HOUSE!

But it ends up just being Drunk Wren who LUUUUUUUUVES her and wants to hug, kiss, and squeeze her, forever and ever.

Except that while Spencer and Wren are getting their flirt on, some creepo is videotaping them from outside Spencer’s house!  Oh, and did I mention Wren dropped a  FLOWER POT on Spencer’s floor?

When Spencer leaves Drunk Wren off at the hotel, the two of them make out with one another hardcore!

And when she comes back, someone has cleaned up her flower pot mess for her . . .

But the flower pedals are arranged in the shape of the letter “A,” and a video camera is inside.  SOMEONE is (or was) in the house!

And then SOMEONE wrote “It won’t be that easy, b&tches,” on Spencer’s mirror, in the color of lipstick that Alison always wore!

And that’s all I’ve got folks.  What did you think of this week’s installment of Pretty Little Liars?  Think you are any closer to learning “A'”s identity, or that of Alison’s killer?  Were you as turned on by Drunk Wren as I was?  Are you a fan of Fitzy’s legs?  All important questions . . .

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Ian Somerhalder – Ladies’ Man, Man’s Man, Shirtless Man, Dancing Man (A YouTube Extravaganza!)

 

Here at TV Recappers Anonymous, we love ALL of our sexy television and movie men.  But, admittedly, some of them get more love than others.  Lately, Ian Somerhalder has been getting the MOST love of them all!  Right now, you probably know him best as Damon Salvatore from The Vampire Diaries

On that show, he is the “big bad,” quite possibly sociopathic, definitely vampiric, 160 plus-year old, older brother to Paul Wesley’s Stefan Salvatore.

In his role as Damon Salvatore, Ian plays a man with a serious thirst for blood, a penchant for the ladies, and a soft spot for one Elena Gilbert.

Did I mention he owns a mansion, and enjoys dancing around it half naked?

  (Click the internal link below, to view the video)

Now while all of this is FABULOUS for us fans,  The Vampire Diaries only airs once a week.  In fact, there are only TWO more episodes in the season.  Very soon, Somerhalder fans will be faced with a summer-long draught of open-shirted, brow-furrowed, snarky commenting, fabulous dancing goodness.  After all, there are only SO MANY Damon Salvatore fan videos you can watch on YouTube!

This is where I come in . . . You see, believe it or not, before The Vampire Diaries, Ian Somerhalder was actually in OTHER STUFF!

Shocking, I know!  The purpose of this blog entry today, is to help guide YOU toward Ian Somerhalder YouTube Nirvana.  This way, once The Vampire Diaries is on hiatus (after you’ve broken the virtual “Play” button on your “Damon and Vicki Dancing Webclip,” and after you have watched every single Damon Salvatore fan video known to man), you have some other places to look, in order to satisfy your Somerhalder-sized cravings . . .

Young Americans (2000)

This short-lived WB series (pre-CW) about an all-boys boarding school wasn’t around that long.  In fact, the show (a spinoff of the popular teen drama Dawson’s Creek), only lasted about eight episodes.  And yet, in that brief amount of time, it managed to REALLY push the envelope with some surprisingly risque storylines.  Most notably (of course, otherwise why would I include it here?) was the plotline involving Ian Somerhalder’s character, Hamilton Fleming, the All-American son of the school’s dean.  In the pilot episode, he meets a “boy” named Jake Pratt.  The two quickly bond and become friends.

The problem?  Heretofore straight Hamilton soon finds himself attracted to Jake, who Hamilton thinks is gay (Jake tried to kiss him near the end of the first episode).  So, of course, Hamilton begins to wonder whether he is gay too. 

Hamilton may very well be gay.  But here’s the thing: Jake is a GIRL!  For reasons that I never quite understood (something about getting revenge against her absentee mother) “Jake” a.k.a. Jacqueline posed as a boy to attend the all-boy school.  In the below scene, which was highly reminiscent of the prom scene in that old 80’s flick, Just One of the Guys . . .

(This film is VERY dated.  But it’s a good Netflix rental, if you’re ever in the mood for a gender-bending good time . . .)

 . . . Jacqueline finally comes clean to Hamilton about her . . . um . . . sex.

This exchange actually occurs during the fourth episode of the show.  So I really haven’t spoiled all that much for you.  What’s nice is that, on YouTube, someone was kind enough to distill the entire series into ONLY the Jake and Hamilton parts from each episode, and post them online.   So you can see the couple’s ENTIRE story in under a half-hour’s time.  Somerhalder’s excellent acting skills and the “Jake” character’s androgeny makes these clips WAY more erotic than they should be .  . . It’s definitely worth a look-see, in my opinion.

The Rules of Attraction (2002)

This film, which was based on a very jaded and dark, but oddly insightful, novel about college life, written by Bret Easton Ellis (Less than Zero, American Psycho), featured a fairly impressive cast of hot up-and-coming early twenty-something actors, most notably: Dawson’s Creek‘s James van der Beek, playing a decidedly un-Dawson like role . . .

(Joey Potter would not approve.)

 . . . Jessica Biel . . .

 . . . and Kate Bosworth (who, coincidentally, also starred in Young Americans with Ian Somerhalder)

Here, Ian plays the bisexual and sexually frustrated Paul Denton, a man who seemingly has only two favorite pasttimes: sex and dancing.  Lucky for him (and us), he gets to do both throughout the movie .  . .

Unfortunately, for my purposes at least, the creators of The Rules of Attraction don’t allow embedding on ANY of their original webclips on YouTube.  However, there are literally a TON of them out there.  Just type “Ian Somerhalder” or “Paul Denton”  and “Rules of Attraction,” and you are bound to find them all.  Not surprisingly, most of my favorites of these  involve a shirtless Somerhalder dancing and jumping on a hotel bed in his boxer briefs.

Remind you of anything?

Lost (2004 -)

Those of you who have read this blog before, know that I am a big fan of early Lost episodes, particularly those from the show’s first season.  Of course, THIS GUY had a lot to do with that . . .

Boone Carlyle was everything you’d want in a guy.  Kind-hearted, loyal, intelligent, brave, resourceful,well-to-do, athletic, and dead sexy.  So, of course, the Lost writers had to crush him with a plane and kill him near the end of Season 1.  But before that happened, we got to watch him, through flashbacks, engage in a VERY inappropriate sexual relationship with his younger stepsister, Shannon.

And, you know what?  As much as you REALLY didn’t want to like these two together (Aside from being his relative, Shannon was a manipulative bitch, who basically treated Boone like crap his whole life, and used his feelings for her to con him out of $50 grand.), you just couldn’t get away from the fact that they were both so DAMN HOT!  The chemistry between Maggie Grace and Ian Somerhalder was so smoldering, they practically burnt a hole in your television, every time they were on screen together.  Watch this clip, if you don’t believe me . . .

Need more?  Type “Boone and Shannon” and “Lost” into your YouTube search bar, and you will find plenty more where that came from . . .

That’s all for now, Somerhalder fans.  Just a little something to whet your appetite during those long HOT Vampire Diaries – less months. 

Happy YouTubing!

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Taking Things SLLOOOOWW . . . : A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Hurt Locket”

 

Spotted: The most unintentionally relevant episode title EVER . . .

After all, there is no way the Gossip Girl writers could have possibly known, back when the script for this episode was being written, that a similarly titled film would go on to take home Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Original Screenplay awards at the Oscars, all by way of major upsets . . .

Or could they?

“I can see the future!  Now that’s what I’m TALKIN’ ABOUT, Willis!”

Tonight, we welcomed back our Upper East Side friends after a three-month hiatus.  Upon our return, we were treated to an episode about “taking things slow”  — an episode that, while not without its inherent sexiness and heartwarming moments, was . . . a little . . .  slow. 

Here’s what went down . . .

Reunited and it feels so . . . eh.

“Which one are you again?”

Remember a couple of episodes ago, when Serena was head over heels in love with Nate’s cousin, Tripp Archibald?  How about a few episodes before that, when she was in love with Carter Baizen?  Or a few episodes before that, when she was in love with Dan Humphrey?  Because Serena doesn’t seem to remember these things at all . . .

I wouldn’t mind so much, if the character just admitted to herself and the audience what she really is: a slut.  After all, there is nothing wrong with being a slut, per se.  Some of the greatest characters in television history were sluts!  For example, there was:

Blanche Dubois, from The Golden Girls;

Kelly Bundy, from Married with Children; and

Samantha Jones, from Sex in the City.

My problem with Serena is NOT that she is slutty.  But, rather, that she feels the need to justify her sluttiness by claiming that she is head over heels in love with every single man with whom she bumps uglies.  Her renewed relationship with Nate is no different. 

When the episode opens, Serena is on the phone with Blair, all hearts and roses about reuniting with Nate, after his time away from the city on vacation.  Blair cautions her friend about letting the “kitty out of the designer hand bag” too fast, if you catch my drift . . .

“Get your mind out of the gutter!  I was being literal!”

Blair urges Serena to take things slow, and play a little hard to get, so as to keep her blossoming relationship from going stale too quickly.  Unfortunately, Serena has about as much experience taking things slow, as she has with adding double digit numbers . . .

“Why bother learning to add when your boyfriends can do it for you?”

Serena is all set to disregard her friends sage advice, and head off to the Ambassadors Ball with her Beau- of-the-Week, when Nate, who has received similar “take it slow” advice from his buddy, Dan (Why anyone would take advice from HIM is beyond me!), disinvites Serena from the exclusive event.  Unaccustomed to being unceremoniously dumped, a pissed off Serena seeks revenge by asking a former beau from her “bad girl” boarding school days, Damien (more on him later), to be her escort to the ball.  A jealous Nate, who initially planned on attending the ball solo, ends up taking young Jenny Humphrey (more on her later too). 

 Hilarity ensues.  Long story short, Nate and Serena ultimately reconcile, and end up screwing in the coat check room (classy!), vowing never to take things slow again . . .

Now, I know I’ve just bashed the heck out of this storyline.  But I must say, these two were pretty hot together in that coat room.  No one ever said sex had to be smart to sell . . .

Make it Work, Pillheads!

Let me be the first to say, I like Jenny’s new beau, Drug Dealing Damien.  For starters, he bears an uncanny resemblance to Jared Leto, circa the mid 90s.

“Praise the Lord!  Jordan Catalano has been reincarnated, and returned to MY so-called life!”

Plus, I am always a sucker for a bad boy.  Up until this point, Chuck Bass more or less had the market cornered on redeemable bad assery on Gossip Girl.  And yet, as the series progressed, Chuck became increasingly well-behaved, leaving somewhat of a void in the series. 

While no one can match Ed Westwick’s deliciously deviant sexiness as Chuck, Kevin Zeger’s Damien follows in his footsteps quite nicely.  And I must say, even though Zegers looks a tad long in the tooth to be in a relationship with little Jenny, he and Taylor Momsen have good on-screen chemistry, something the actress never had with Chace Crawford’s Nate, in my opinion.

When the episode opens, Damien presents Jenny with a problem to solve.  You see, Damien has this gift box filled with expensive prescription medication and assorted designer drugs.  He needs to get these drugs to the daughter of the French Ambassador at Ambassador’s Ball, without getting narc-ed out by government security. 

Jenny, who is nothing if not resourceful, comes up with the “brilliant” idea of stitching the drugs into an item of clothing.  Suddenly, I am wondering whether I have inadvertently changed the channel, and stumbled upon a rather ill-conceived episode of Project Runway.

“This week, your challenge is to fashion a wearable garment made entirely out of pharmaceuticals.  Make it work, Designers!”

Although I loved Jenny’s idea in theory, her execution was a little off.  That pill-studded cropped jacket was the ugliest thing I have ever seen!  In addition to being completely grotesque, the jacket was also more than a tad dated, with its 80s era “bedazzled” pill sequins and high shoulder pads.

Heathers – The film that inspired Jenny’s jacket.

The original plan is for Jenny to wear the pill-filled jacket to the event, and switch it with the French Ambassador’s “sober” version of the jacket during the party.  The problem is that Damien, upon recalling what a whore Serena was back in boarding school, jumps at the chance to attend the party with her, instead of Jenny. 

At the ball, Damien has little trouble getting Serena into the ugly jacket, but finds himself in the unique situation of being unable to get her out of it.  Now, when even Serena Van der Woodsen won’t sleep with you, that’s pretty bad!

“Nice going, loser!”

With enough “I told you so’s” to buy a jacket that’s actually fashionable, Jenny ultimately comes to Damien’s rescue.  Finding the pilly jacket on the floor in the coat room (Serena and Nate tossed it there during their hard-core screwing session), Jenny instructs the coat check girl to make sure that its delivered immediately to its proper owner, the French Ambassador’s daughter.

Something tells me Little J’s foray into drug dealing will not be quite so easy the next time around . . .

Mamma Mia

Of course, my favorite storyline of the evening came from my favorite Gossip Girl couple, the always-intriguing and never dull, Chuck and Blair.  Every time these two are on screen with one another, I feel like I need to take a cold shower.  Unlike Serena and Nate, Chuck and Blair don’t need to be screwing to be sexy, the looks they give one another say it all . . .

I’ll admit that when the episode opened with Blair babbling about needing Chuck’s help to convince some snooty French dude to approve her charter for a “secret society” at NYU, I was a bit concerned.  How many episodes are going to revolve around Blair plotting to get herself into some pompous club or event?  Foruntately, Blair’s popularity “crisis” quickly took a back seat to Chuck’s identity one. 

If you recall, Chuck was told by his father that his mother died giving birth to him.  As if that wasn’t enough of a guilty burden for a young man to shoulder, Chuck was always convinced that his father held him personally accountable for his mother’s death.

Prior to the show’s Season 3 hiatus, when Chuck visited his father’s grave on the anniversary of the latter’s death, he found a woman there, equipped with his father’s favorite flowers(?) (must be a “rich guy” thing), and a locket with his father’s picture in it.  Said locket just so happened to be engraved with his mother’s first initial “E”.  Understandably, Chuck became obsessed with finding this woman. 

 Initially, young Bass’s pride kept him from admitting to Blair that he was investigating the source of the locket and its female wearer.  Yet, Blair, in a move that was surprisingly mature and altruistic for her often immature and self-absorbed character, recognized her boyfriend’s pain, and put aside her petty secret society bids, in order to accompany Chuck on his mission to find the owner of the locket.

When Chuck finds the woman, she denies being or knowing Chuck’s mother, despite the fact that her name also begins with an “E.”  The woman claims that the locket was something Papa Bass gave to all of his sexual conquests.  A heartbroken Chuck leaves the scene, but Blair stays behind.  In a speech that was both beautifully written and beautifully acted by Leighton Meester, Blair explains to the woman that she doesn’t buy her story.  She tells the locket owner that if she knows anything that can relieve Chuck’s guilt over his mother’s death, she owes it to Chuck to share that information.

Later a dejected Chuck comes to grips with the fact that he will probably never have a mother.  Blair gently comforts him, promising him that she will always be his family.  With Blair by his side, Chuck will never have to be alone.  What well-adjusted adults these two have become — quite a long way from the scheming and conniving Blair and Chuck of Season 1 (who I’ll admit, I miss a little bit). 

Still, I’m proud of these two.

At the end of the episode, we see the Locket Woman staring at yet another locket, this one containing a picture of her holding a baby.  With Blair’s poweful words fresh on her mind, the woman finally musters up the courage to contact Chuck on his cell phone, using a Blocked number.   

Oh . . . and I almost forgot . . . there was another, minor, storyline involving Dan’s dad, Rufus being mad at his new wife, Lily, for spending the night with her ex husband and then lying to him about it.  Unlike the mature Chuck and Blair, middle-aged Rufus decided to handle the matter like a jealous and horny teen, hopping into bed with a neighbor at the first possible opportunity, for a night of Revenge Sex.  Way to set an example for your children, Rufus!

“What do you expect from a guy with a dog’s name?”

Tune in next week, when Serena and Nate are sure to have more steamy sex, the heretofore absent Vanessa will likely make an appearance (zzzzz), and, hopefully, there will be plenty more Chuck/Blair scenes and Damien bad assery to drool over . . .

XOXO!

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