[A Note About the TVD Recap for “Homecoming”: It’s on its WAY! I’m just putting some additional pictures and gifs in there. It will most definitely be up by 6 p.m. EST. But it will likely be up WAY earlier than that . . . like, say, early afternoon. Thanks for your patience!]
RACHEL: “Any last minute sex tips?”
BLAINE: “Don’t forget to tell him how big it is.”
RACHEL: “But what if it isn’t big?”
BLAINE: “Don’t forget to lie, and tell him how big it is.”
This was it, my Fellow Gleeks . . . the one you’ve all been waiting for . . . the sexpisode. Going into the hour, it was no secret that Glee power couples, Finchel and Klaine, were both going to pop their collective cherries, by the episode’s end.
Here, at TV Recappers, we LUUUUUUUVE Cherry Popping! Cherry Popping is fun!
Given all we knew about the episode before it aired, one might have expected “The First Time” to be somewhat of a let down. Fortunately, the hour contained more than enough surprises, colorful musical numbers, and well-acted scenes to maintain the interest of even the most skeptical of fans . . .
Did I mention that Beiste got herself a boyfriend . . . or that Karofsky showed up, looking like one of the Village People?
So, enough with the teasing and foreplay. Let’s all get laid, shall we?
Artie Abrams – Sexpert?
“I know it looks like we are judging you but . . . yeah . . . we’re actually judging you.”
The episode begins with our favorite wheelchair user, basking in the “triumph” that comes from directing a school play. Artie, apparently, just LOVES bossing people around . . . not just in the context of the play, but in all aspects of their lives. In fact, an alternate title for this episode could have easily been :”Artie Knows Best” . . . or, perhaps, more accurately, “Artie Knows Sex.” Wouldn’t you agree?
Artie’s first targets for “self-improvement” are Rachel and Blaine. Upon hearing the pair sing their rendition of West Side Story, Artie decides that “something is missing” in their performance. What on Earth could it be! Oh, that’s right . . . they are NOT BONING . . . not eachother . . . and not anyone else either. Rachel and Blaine are totally and completely . . . BONE-LESS.
Apparently, my inability to get laid has made me a sub-par actress. I am sad.
The Virgin Rachel
Without a second thought toward sparing their feelings, Artie abruptly tells the plays two leads that they are lacking romantic chemistry on stage, because they are both virgins. Of course, Artie! Rachel’s and Blaine’s respective virginal statuses MUST be the reason they don’t look like they want to rip one another’s clothes off, onstage. Surely, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact that each of the members of this faux-couple, actually . . .
I’m kidding, of course. There are plenty of gay actors, who can conceivably “play straight.” But I find it interesting that the characters’ respective virginal statuses were what Artie honed in on, as opposed to, an issue that would seem much more OBVIOUS.
Anywhoo . . . the minute Artie brings up the topic of sex, his co-directors, Beiste and Emma LITERALLY run screaming from the room. I hate to break it to you kids, but you just made your sex status WAY more obvious than you would have, had you just . . . oh . . . I don’t know . . . sat there quietly with your mouths shut.
To their credit, fellow virgins Rachel and Blaine keep surprisingly cool, by comparison as Artie awkwardly describes in cringe-inducingly specific detail that one time he f*&ked Brittany,and she repeatedly called him by someone else’s name
probably Santana’s. (Ah! Memories!)
Though both Rachel and Blaine initially tell Artie that they are waiting until the “right time” to cash in their Platinum V Cards, almost immediately after rehearsal, the two go off in search of their significant others, with SEX on the brain . . .
Having successfully accomplished the mission of ensuring that both Rachel / Finn’s and Blaine/Kurt’s first born will be named, “Artie,” the Little Screw-maker that Could then sets his sights on getting Coach Beiste laid as well . . . (More on that later.)
“This is what I like to call my ‘Come Hither Stare.'”
After that, Artie kind of drops off the radar, until the end of the episode, where he gives a fairly heartfelt speech on how directing the play, has made him feel special and self-sufficient for the first time ever. Awww . . . nice one, Artie . . . Give a speech like that, and you’ll be sure to get laid after the show too! 😉 (Or, you know, you could just be “self-sufficient” and . . . ummm . . . give yourself a hand? Hint, Hint, Wink, Wink)
Speaking of self-sufficiency . . .
Mike’s Dad – Douchebag?
“Hey Mike! I’ve decided to come back to high school, join the Glee club, and hit on your girlfriend. HOORAY!”
So, Mike’s dad is supposed to be some big fancy doctor, right? Is that why he spends so much time at McKinley High, hanging out by his son’s locker, like a total creeper? I mean, honestly, you would think a guy like that would have better things to do . . . like his wife! (Pun intended.)
That said, I cheered for Mike for not caving to his father, when the latter — upon learning that Mike refused to give up his dream to become a professional dancer — threatened to disown him, if he didn’t abandon all dancing dreams.
“Well, than I guess I don’t have a dad, anymore,” Mike said fiercely, as his dad stalked off.
Well, Mike might not have a dad, anymore. But he definitely has a mother. And she was absolutely blown away, by her son’s portrayal of Riff from West Side Story, while she sat and cheered him on from the audience. I was blown away too . . . but I actually kind of wish we got to see a bit more from that portrayal . . . like say, the epic death scene?
“But I’m too good of a dancer to die!”
In addition to having a supportive Mom, Mike also has a super sweet girlfriend, who positively LOVED giving him her virginity . . . But, more on that later too . . .
“Who’s got two hands and a fabulous sex life? THIS GIRL!”
Meanwhile, in Beisteland . . .
Coach Beiste – Closet Romantic?
Poor sweet, cherry un-popped Beiste! You know what’s funny? I was initially shocked to find out she was still a virgin. And then I remembered, that up until about a half a season ago, she had never even BEEN KISSED! So, I don’t know why I was surprised . . .
“Would you please stop licking my ear. I wanted a kiss, not an ear wax removal kit.”
Lack of experience aside, Beiste, definitely has a soft side. And, this week, that soft side was SERIOUSLY crushing on the OSU recruiter, who’d been hanging around McKinley High. When Screw-maker Artie hears about this, he vows to help his teacher and mentor nip this little cherry-popping problem in the bud, ASAP. (That Artie . . . he’s a busy little f*&ker, isn’t he?)
When Artie confronts the recruiter (who’s name is Cooter, which was probably the most controversial thing about this not-all-that-controversial episode), he gets some very shocking, but also oddly fortuitous, news. As it turns out, Cooter Recruiter wants a little Beiste in him, just as much as Beiste wants a Little Cooter in HER (OK, that just sounds wrong, on so many levels)! In fact, he’s been trying to ask her out for weeks! (Really, how long has Cooter been hanging out at McKinley? Doesn’t he have other schools to go to?) Unfortunately . . . wait for it . . . SHE keeps turning HIM down?!
I guess for a woman who has only been kissed (by SCHUESTER, of all people), and who is highly insecure about her appearance, the art of flirting subtlety is completely lost on her. Fortunately, Artie convinces Big Cooter (See? Never gets old.) to ask out the Beiste again . . . only this time, he tells the Old Coot to be REALLY, REALLY obvious about it . . . and show her what’s in his heart . . .
“Beiste . . . I give you my heart.”
First, Cooter finds Beiste in the weight room (where she is probably bench pressing HIS weight) and gives her flowers. It doesn’t get much more obvious than that, folks. But still Beiste is completely oblivious, wondering if the bouquet is for a funeral of some sort. OUCH! Yeah . . . if you don’t hurry up and grab your Cooter fast Beiste, there will be a funeral, all right . . . a funeral for the functionality of your lady parts :).
“Herein lies Coach Beiste’s ability to have children . . .”
Fortunately, for Beiste, Cooter then takes his cue from Artie, and asks Beiste out in the most blatantly obvious way possible . . . by actually using the word “date,” in the question . . . something pretty much no body does anymore. Way to keep it Old School, Cooter! Upon hearing this inquiry Beiste begins . . . CRYING?!
At first, she’s crying out of sadness, because she thinks it’s a joke . . . which is just so super depressing. I can’t even talk about it, without getting weepy (well, not really, but . . . you know). It’s upsetting.
But then he tells her how beautiful and womanly he thinks she is, and those tears of sadness, turn into tears of joy, HOORAY! I honestly, thought it would be REALLY fitting if Beiste and her Cooter went on their first date to Breadsticks, especially considering how much she loves those Never-Ending Pasta Bowls. But, instead she went to . . . the school play . . . which is really super lame, when you think about it. But, it’s a start . . .
“Psst . . . this play sucks. What do you say we sneak out, go back to my place, and watch the food channel?”
Since we are on the subject of false starts . . .
Things Not to Say When You Are Trying to Get Laid Part 1 – “Let’s Get this Over With”
Someone’s got egg on her face!
So, I mentioned that Rachel wanted to get a little NC-17 action with Finn, prior to opening night, right? Fortunately, it just so happens that Finn’s ENTIRE family is supposed to be out of the house that evening. So, there will be absolutely no chance for awkward interruptions. Rachel pops over to Finn’s house. And, wanting the night to be perfect, he prepares her some choice meat for dinner. This would be great, except . . . well, Rachel’s a VEGAN.
So, much for good eats, Rachel and Finn head right down to the floor in the living room to get down to the business of humping. But then Finn has to f*&k everything up by asking Rachel WHY she wants to sleep with him now?!
Finn . . . you are horny high school boy. When you get the green light, you GO. Don’t ask questions! Don’t hesitate! Just take of your pants, and DO IT! OR ELSE . . .
But I guess this was Finn’s week to be a good boy (He alternates from week to week, you know!), so he needed to know Rachel’s love was true, before he could . . . um . . . poke her with HIS love.
“I feel so violated and used.”
And, of course, this would have been fine, if Rachel didn’t feel the need to be ridiculously honest about her reason for having sex with Finn. “I just want to get this over with [before the show, tomorrow night].”
OH RACHEL! You might as well, have stuck a pin in his weiner . . .
You are an actress. Why couldn’t you just ACT like you had a better reason for doing this, than you actually did. Have you no
Long story short, Finn’s and Rachel’s first foray at sex, ends with both of them striking out. Finn doesn’t want any part of Rachel’s cooter tonight, especially after what she said. Apparently, Rachel’s V-card is American Express V-card. It’s not accepted everywhere.
And so the two condoms Rachel and Finn each brought for the occasion, remain unwrapped, for at least, one more night . . .
A rubber is a terrible thing to waste . . .
The next day at school, a cowed Rachel, asks her gal pals their opinion on whether she should have sex with Finn. Santana and Brittany vote “no.” Because Brittany’s first time was apparently an alien invasion of some sort. And Santana thinks Finn is terrible in bed.
Is it just me? Or does this look like one of those KY jelly commercials?
The writers intercut this fairly humorous conversation with Santana and Rachel singing a duet to “A Boy Like That,” which, is more or less, Rachel’s way of saying, she hopes Finn was just bad in bed, because he was with Santana, and not because he lacks screwing skills . . .
“Gee Rachel, why don’t you tell me how you REALLY feel . . .”
Now, I know the song is a classic from West Side Story, but, honestly, I think it’s lyrics are a little mean. Because, seriously, if a guy broke your heart, and you were trying to warn your friend about him, would you really want to hear that friend say to you, “He won’t break MY heart, because he loves ME, and doesn’t love you.”
Talk about kicking a girl, while she’s down . . . Way to be insensitive, Maria from West Side Story . . .
But lest you think everyone on this show is all anti-sex, Tina, of all people, had a fabulous little story about how awesome sex with Mike Chang was because
he is very flexible and has great abs she loves him so very much. In other words, Mike Chang is the PIMP DADDY of this show . . . second to “I don’t use condoms, and thought I would be the one to take Rachel’s virginity” Puck, of course . . .
Though neither Rachel nor Blaine end up cashing in their V-cards, prior to Opening Night of West Side Story, both decide this is OK, because they both know what love is, and can tap into THAT, while playing their respective rolls. This seems to work OK . . . I guess . . . at least judging by the musical numbers we got to see from the actual show.
Still, my favorite number of the entire episode was “America,” which, oddly enough featured the entire young Glee cast, EXCEPT Rachel and Blaine. Most notably, it featured Puck and Santana rocking some AWESOME Puerto Rican accents!
But back to Rachel and Finn . . . Rachel returns to Finn’s house after the play, to apologize for . . . you know, deflating his weiner, with her “let’s get it over with, so that Maria from West Side Story doesn’t have to be a virgin,” comment. However, as it turns out, Rachel’s remark isn’t all that’s making Finn feel crappy, he was also passed over by COOTER (awww man! That name strikes again) for a scholarship to OSU.
“Damn that COOTER!”
Now, Cooter may have been SUPER nice to Beiste, earlier on in the episode, but he DEFINITELY had his sensitivity chip on the off-switch, when he told Finn that his football career had peaked. OUCH! Finn thinks his dreams are dead, because he’s not a good enough football player or performer to get into the colleges of his choice. Rachel sweetly comforts him, telling him that his dreams are NOT dead, he just “grew out of them.” (Remind me to use that one on myself, the next time I fail at something . . . I didn’t fail. I just “grew out of” being successful. It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?)
After promising Finn that she will help him find some new dreams, Rachel proceeds to make Finn’s dreams come true, by giving him a special gift that NO ONE ELSE is ever going to get. You guessed it. It’s time to chop up that V-card, for real this time.
“Who’s two left feet, and is currently having his brains banged out? THIS GUY!”
But this time, Rachel is doing it because she LOOOOOOOVES Finn, and his future new dreams . . .
Things Not to Say When You Are Trying to Get Laid Part 2 – “Hey! I’ve got an idea! How about I grope you in the backseat of this car?”
Blaine is be-bopping around Kurt’s room, while the latter wonders out loud, why they aren’t screwing yet. The pair joke adorably about the fact that Kurt wears too many layers of clothing for easy access . . .
Not to mention, too many ridiculous hats. . .
Later, Blaine heads back to Dalton to invite his old classmates to the play. Once there, he confirms that things haven’t changed all that much, since he was gone. The group still sing pop songs accapella style, while dancing around like Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
Their “Uptown Girl”number (complete with a token female teacher / sexy librarian type as the titular “uptown gir”l) proves as much. Though I must admit, seeing a Warblers number without Blaine as their lead singer is like watching a vampire show, without hot people in it . . . it just doesn’t make any sense . . .
By the way, I love how the fancy schmancy private school boys are singing a song about how “simple and poor” they are . . . It’s very cute.
That said, there has been one major change to the Glee club since Blaine left. His name is Sebastian . . . you know . . . like the lobster from The Little Mermaid.
Sebastian wastes no time, eye sexing up Blaine, and telling him that he is “sex on a stick, and sings like a dream” . . . despite having never heard him sing . . . ever. Blaine is clearly super flattered by all the hardcore flirting, and talks up Sebastian for way longer than he should, considering he has a boyfriend.
“The seaweed is always greener, in somebody else’s pants.”
The flirting continues at the local coffee shop, where Sebastian douchily (is that a verb?) brags to Blaine about how worldly he is, because he’s been to GAY PARIIII! But before the lobster can turn this into a discussion about French Kissing, Kurt swoops in to put a territorial arm around Blaine’s shoulder, and, more or less, tell this Creepy Crustacean, in no uncertain terms, “The Boy is Mine.”
Likely, because he wants to show Blaine how “spontaneous” he is, Kurt, shocks Blaine by accepting on both of their behalfs, Sebastian’s offer that the two meet him at a gay bar.
“You’ve just gotta love a man in a bolo tie . . .”
Armed with fake ideas, Designated Driver Kurt, and Secret Lush, Blaine, head to the bar called “Scandals.” After a single beer, Lightweight Blaine is totally wasted, and inappropriately grinding with Sebastian. Meanwhile a super pouty Kurt (so much for that skin sloughing regimen), is sitting by the bar, crying into his Shirley Temple.
“You better watch out for your boyfriend,” remarks a familiar voice. It’s Dave “the Bear Cub”Karofsky, of all people. Apparently, Dave is at a new school now. And though, he is decidedly still in the closet, there, at least here, he can feel right at home and accepted by the patrons of Scandals . . . even if it is Tranny Night . . .
Outside in the parking lot, a drunk and horny Blaine pulls Kurt into the back seat of the car, and starts aggressively humping him. Given that Blaine spent the whole night, rubbing up on Sebastian, Kurt is TOTALLY not cool with his first time taking place in the car lot of a gay club, accented by the intermingled smells of car air freshener, leather seats, Blaine’s one beer, and, of course, Red Lobster Sebastian’s overpowering cologne. So, he pushes Blaine off of him angrily, and does not mince words, in telling him how he feels about this failed act of seduction.
Embarrassed and annoyed, Blaine stalks home. But, after the show, the pair make up, confess their undying devotion to one another . . .
. . . and, you know . . . do it. . .
Musicals Make Everything Better (even . . . well . . . you know ;))
As far as sex scenes go, Kurt’s and Blaine’s and Finn’s and Rachel’s, which were edited together, and intermingled with Blaine’s and Rachel’s West Side Story number, “One Hand, One Heart,” were incredibly sweet, but also ridiculously tame. Almost NO skin was shown (Blaine and Kurt, were FULLY dressed in fact . . . and I bet you can guess which part of that statement really perturbs me!)
KURT: “Come on, Blaine! Take off your shirt!”
BLAINE: “Because Fox won’t let me.”
KURT: “What a bunch of douchebags . . .”
But hey, it’s Fox . . . not HBO . . . and not even the CW. So, what do you expect? And besides, it wasn’t really about the sex, was it? It was about the love . . .
I’m lying, of course it was about the SEX! 😉 It’s ALWAYS about sex. But I’m happy for our little couples, anyway . . .
And that was “The First Time,” in a nutshell. So, what did you think? Are you Finchel and Klaine fans, or are you already getting sick of the show’s emphasis on these two SHIPS? Do you see Sebastian as a genuine threat to the Klaine union? How about Karofsky? Did you like the West Side Story Numbers? Are you glad Beiste is FINALLY getting some? And, perhaps most importantly, are you as mad as I was that we didn’t get to see Darren Criss with his shirt off?
“In case you’re wondering, that’s Kurt’s underwear I’m wearing on my head . . .”
Feel free to sound off on some or all of these questions in the comments section below . . .
Oh, and check out the promo for next week’s episode, “Mash Up,” which, from the looks of it, features, not one, but TWO Adele songs (“Rumor has It” and “Someone Like You”) and a rollicking game of . . . dodgeball?
See ya then, my fellow Gleeks!