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Bon Temps Regurgitated – A Recap of “Let’s Boot and Rally!”

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Boot and Rally, Fangbangers!  It’s the mantra of champion partiers the world over.  After all, everyone knows that the harder you party, the greater the chance that your “fun” is going to come back and haunt you . . . one way or the other.

But the strong among us are the ones that can take a beating, dust ourselves off (rinse out our mouths, if necessary), and head right back out on the proverbial dance floor to do it all over again.

At least, I call that strong.   Others might call that stupidity . . . or alcoholism . . . whatever.

Anyway, this week’s episode of True Blood was all about the various ways in which people’s past can come back to haunt them.  It also explored how some of our favorite (and a few of our not-so- favorite) characters coped with these “haunting” experiences.

But enough philosophizing, let’s boot and rally on to another TB-cap!

REVENGE of the Orange Marzipan

When we last left our heroine Sookie Stackhouse, she was grinding her ridiculously drunk ass all over Alcide man candy, and cleaning his werewolf fangs with her tongue.

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Meanwhile, Ambiguously Gay Vampire Duo Bill and Eric stood outside Sookie’s window . . . watching.  (Quality Vampire Porn must be real hard to come by in Bon Temps, if even the King of Louisiana has to improvise.)

Eventually, Sookie and Alcide decide to move this party upstairs.  Sookie hitches a ride on Alcide’s massive torso, and up to the bedroom they go!

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Now, whether or not you’re a fan of Sookie and Alcide as a couple, you have to admit, this scene was pretty f*&king awesome.  There were grunts, groans, grinds, and kisses from both parties, and Alcide did this thing with his belt that had to be the best free advertisement for the Magic Mike movie I’ve ever seen.

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Then, Alcide whispers in Sookie’s ear that he’s “waited so long for this.”  And really, what girl doesn’t want to hear that, pre-coitus?

Sookie’s response?  Let’s just say it was explosive . . .

And now for the super slow-mo instant replay . . .

Oh, it’s SO over!  Eric and Bill are upstairs in a flash, for the post-game wrap up.

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Alcide thought he was getting laid tonight.   Instead, he got a pair of shoes that will match nicely with a pair of khakis, if he ever decides to wear them . . . (Alcide always seemed like more of a jeans and flannel guy to me.)

Downstairs in the kitchen, a still drunk Sookie is just finding it absolutely hilarious that her two ex-boyfriends have interrupted her sexcapades for yet another Vampire Investigation Mission.

She’s game, though!  Talk about a boot and rally.  Sookie’s so eager to get started on her mission, she can’t even be bothered to properly open her front door!

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 (I almost forgot that Tara broke that last week.  I wonder if Sookie’s homeowner’s insurance policy covers “Vampire Temper Tantrums” . . .)

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Meanwhile, in some random bunker .  . .

REVENGE of the . . . um . . . Evil Fire Thingy?

Terry and Noel from Felicity have been tied up by their wackjob comrade, who keeps babbling on and on about something called a “lfrite.”  Apparently, it’s like this Vengeance Fire Demon or something.  Wackjob Comrade says the “lfrite” is out to get Terry and his buddies, because of all those people they torched during the war.  Personally, I’m kind of hoping the lfrite goes ahead and takes vengeance on this lame storyline, by burning it to the ground.  But for now, it just takes Wackjob Comrade, while Terry and Noel from Felicity live to “lfrite” another day . . .

In other news . . .

REVENGE of . . . Jesus’ Head?

Lafayette is sad, because that weird party mask from last season, keeps making him do BAAAAD things, like almost put bleach in the soup at Bon Temps, and cut the breaks on Sookie’s car.  (Quite the kidder, that Weird Party Mask!)

So, Lafayette does what many people would do in this situation.  He prays to Jesus . . .

. . . well, not THAT Jesus .  . . although he was standing in front of a statue of HIM when he said the prayer.  THIS Jesus . . .

You know, the one Lafayette sort of / kind of killed last season, while under the influence of yet another dark force?  “Show me a sign that you hear me!”  Lafayette pleads.

Jesus does his former beau one better.  He gives him head . . . literally.  

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Now, that’s what I call a good boyfriend!

REVENGE of  . . . that Annoying Authority Storyline

In the immortal words of Vampire Pam, “Blah, blah, blah . . . Blood of Lilith, Blah.”

Christopher Meloni is trying to rally his troops against the imminent uprising of the Sanguinistas,  who may or may not be led by Eric’s hot but crazy sister, Nora, who’s spent the past three episodes or so, doing nothing but rocking back and forth on her knees, screaming and curling up in a fetal position.

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 (The character had such a promising start too!)

But personally, my money is on Salome being the REAL woman behind the rebellion / freeing Russell from his cement jail cell.

My favorite part of this whole Authority Storyline was when Mac from Veronica Mars called Bill and Eric to tell them she had activated the blow-up device on their leather S&M jock straps.

Why was that my favorite?  Because Mac from Veronica Mars is funny, and so are leather S&M jock straps, at least I think they are . . .

REVENGE of the Shapeshifter Haters with the Funny Masks

Ruh-roh, Scooby Doo!  There appears to be a gang of Supernatural Creature Killers on the loose, who keep offing all of Sam’s shifter buddies! (Man!  Sam’s pals and f*&k buddies just seem to drop like flies, every single season.  Remind me to un-friend him on Facebook . . .)

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Back in Season 1, we didn’t get to find out who the serial killer was,  until the second-to-last episode.

But this time around, these chumps are driving around out in the open with their stupid masks, like it’s friggin Mardis Gras.  They shoot both Luna and Sam, as a petrified Emma shifts into a baby wolf and skitters away.  I’m going to take a wild guess and say that Luna’s dead and Sam’s not . . . which means Sam’s probably going to adopt Emma, which means a lot more screen time for the child actress.  But hey, at least wolf girl is better than that vampire kid, right?

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Anything is better than that vampire kid . . .

REVENGE of Fangbanging Hoyt

One thing True Blood has always been missing is evidence of solid girl bonding.  I mean sure, Sookie and Tara were “best friends.”  But lets face it, they spent half of the screen time they spent together,  crying, yelling and screaming, usually at one another.

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After all, Tara isn’t exactly the kind of girlfriend you invite over for to watch a Ryan Gosling Movie Marathon, talk about boys, and dance around the room with, while you’re singing into your hairbrush.

But Vampire Jess is definitely that kind of girl, which was why it was so cool to see her take Tara under her wing, and show her all the awesome things the vampire world has to offer.

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And wouldn’t you know it, girlfriend even made Tara crack a smile or too, which is probably the most shocking thing I’ve seen in four plus seasons of True Blood.

Then, stupid Hoyt had to go f*&k everything up with his lame 80’s rocker clothes, and new-found fangbanging ways.  Damn, The Man!  Remember back when this was a REALLY likeable character?

That seems like ages ago, now!  Mama Fortenberry would definitely not approve!

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Tinkerbell’s REVENGE

Thank you, Fairies, for making Jason naked again . . .

. . . and for that weird (but oddly captivating) dream sequence where he wore He-man footy pajamas, and his mom told him to go get a blow job, because it “always makes him feel better.”

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You are officially, my heroes!

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Speaking of naked, Andy Bellefleur spent a second episode of the season in his birthday suit, thereby making him officially nude more than ERIC NORTHMAN, this season.

Not cool . . . Alan Ball . . . not cool at all . . .

And the moment you’ve all been waiting for . . .

The Return of Russell Edgington!

With the help of an extra large coffee and some Nutter Butters, Hangover! Sookie successfully un-glamored Alcide’s employee, simply by holding and fondling his hand a few times.  Now, that’s impressive (as were the hilariously petrified expressions the guy was making throughout the entire episode — LOVED HIM)!  Somehow or other this brings Sookie (her HAREM of men in tow) to the creepy old abandoned insane asylum where Russell Edgington has been biding his time, while his burnt up nasty face reforms.  The endless buffet of human shishkabobs certainly doesn’t hurt.

The episode ends with a final triumphant showdown between Big Bad Russell (who’s still looking a bit too feeble old mannish to be believable as genuine threat) . . .

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 . . . and one delicious Viking Vamp.

Vampire Househusbands of Bon Temps – The Reunion Special

Color me intrigued!  Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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The Maker’s Mark – A Recap of “Whatever I Am, You Made Me”

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I watch True Blood for the . . . um . . . plot . . . seriously.

Hola, Fangbangers!  This week on True Blood was all about “The Makers.”  We got to learn a bit more about who our characters “came from” (both literally and figuratively), and how those origins helped shape them into the people they are today.

Man, would I like to be the one who MADE that . . .

Did I mention this episode also involved a whole lotta sex and tight black leather?

Let’s review, shall we?

In which we learn why vampires should never work for AAA . . .

We open our episode with Super Cranky Vampire Tara, who, like any good samaritan, has just stopped on the side of the road, to help a neighbor fix a flat tire.  And by “help a neighbor fix a flat tire,” I actually mean “eat a neighbor, who has a flat tire.”

But then Tara suffers a little crisis of conscience, and decides to hold off on her yummy female meal.

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“Hey, does this mean you aren’t going to help me with my car?”

 Instead, she heads off to visit her good pal and former f*&k buddy Sam.   So, she can drink him out of house and True Blood, and take a nap in Merlotte’s meat locker at day break.  Talk about a rude house guest!

But hey, at least she didn’t eat her host.  So, I guess that’s a start .  . .

Speaking of hosts . . .

In which the New Nan Flanagan is about 85,000 times better than the Old One . . .

It looks like the authority has itself a NEW Nan Flanagan.  And HE is AWESOME!

Here’s hoping that at least a few of Steve’s Vampire Spokesperson “Russell Edgington is dead, except not really” TV interviews involve DANCING . . .

Meanwhile, over at Fangtasia . . .

In which Pam gets fingered by Sookie . . .

Sookie wants Pam to find her MIA new progeny Tara, and teach her the ways of the Vampire World.

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Pam would rather pluck her eyes out with tweezers or eat shoes than spend any more time with Tara, than the time she already spent huddled next to her in a grave wearing a Walmart sweat outfit.

Can you blame her?

Pam basically tells Sookie to take her new vampire pal and shove her up her ass.  Sookie doesn’t like that too much, so she gives Pam a little fairy finger action.

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Sucks for Pam . . .

In which Eric and Bill have some S&M fun with Mac from Veronica Mars . . .

After much debate (and a little whining from that twerpy vampire kid), Rowan and his “Authoritayyyy” have decided to give Eric and Beeel another chance at life, provided they exterminate the Big Bad Russell E.

Somehow, this “other chance at life” involves them wearing leather diapers, courtesy of the chick who played Mac on Veronica Mars.

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Apparently, said diapers are wired to kill Eric and Bill, if they misbehave or something.

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(Personally, I just think it was Alan Ball’s excuse to get the two actors to fulfill some S&M fantasy of his . . .)

Hey, no complaints here . . .

In which EVERYBODY screws Salome . . .

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Who says True Blood never teaches you anything?  This week on True Blood we learned the real story behind the biblical figure Salome, best known for doing a slutty dance, and asking for some guy’s head on a platter.

Now, apparently, she’s a vampire who gets to have sex with Alex Skarsgard, Christopher Meloni, and Stephen Moyer in the course of a single episode.

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Not bad for a days work, right?

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Speaking of sexually active vampires . . .

In which Vampire Jess reenacts those annoying AXE body spray commercials . . .

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Vampire Jess is out dress shopping, when she comes upon a mysterious man with blood that smells “awesome.”

Without passing Go, or paying for her store merchandise, a totally turned on Jess chases Mr. Goodblood (who is most likely none other than Everyone’s Favorite Fairy Claude) across the forest.  Unfortunately, for her, he gets away before she can ravage him with her nose and teeth.  (Dude MUST be gay!)

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“I am . . . at least, in the books.” 

So, a still sexed up Jess, heads in search of the Next Best Thing . . .

Jason F*&KING STACKHOUSE . . .

In which Jason has sex with a cat lady, but not Jessica . . .

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Ladies love Jason Stackhouse . . . Cats . . . not so much.

Poor Jason!  Who knew the real reason he became such a man whore was that some lonely cat lady teacher seduced him, back during his pre-pubescent years?

(Not that we can really blame her.)

Jason runs into the very woman who supposedly “taught him everything he knows about sex” (And for that I say, “THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADY!”) at the grocery store.

They quickly head back to her place for a little “high school reunion.”

But then Jason decides that meaningless sex is bad.

BOO!

So, when Horny Jess pops by to see him, he denies her the goods.  But because Jess is a pal, she decides to stick around anyway, just for the “company and conversation.”  Riiiiiight . . . because that’s gonna last.

In other Stackhouse news . . .

In which everybody is pissed at Sookie . . .

So remember back to last season, when everyone just looooved Sookie, and her fairy vajayjay.

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My have times changed!  Now Tara’s pissed at her for turning her vamp.  And Sam and Arlene second that emotion.

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 Also, Pam’s pissed at Sookie for that whole Fairy Finger Thing.  Lafayette’s so pissed at Sookie, his demon other half almost bleaches the gumbo.  And Alcide’s pissed at Sookie when he finds out she killed his wacked out Trailer Trash Ex and lied about for weeks . . .

Better learn how to play Solitaire, Sookie, because it doesn’t look like you are going to be sitting at the Popular Table, anymore . . .

And now for the absolute best part of the episode . . .

In which we learn how Pam was made . . .

In a continuation of last week’s Bordello of Blood flashback, we learn that the gentlemanly Vampire Eric rescued Madam Pam and her Happy Whores from TWO EVIL VAMPIRES, who were literally sucking the establishment dry.

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 I bet you can’t guess who they were?

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That’s right, it’s BEEEL and Bad Mommy Lorena.

It looks like someone’s Maker hasn’t taught her progeny much in the way of manners.  Pam, of course, is extremely grateful for Eric’s heroic efforts, and responds in kind.

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But even GOOD SEX comes with a price . . .

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 . . .  and Pam has set hers in stone.  She wants to be a vampire, and walk the world with Eric for all Eternity. (Wouldn’t you?)

Pam explains how getting old in her industry is a fate worse than death.  Eric sympathizes, but isn’t quite ready for the commitment, or the responsibility of being someone’s Maker.  It’s a title he takes VERY seriously.

So, Pam decides to take matters into her own hands . . . literally.

And the rest is vampire history . . .

Now, it’s Pam’s turn to play Maker.  Will she rise to the occasion like a certain Viking Vamp?

In which Tara is a “stupid b*tch”

The episode ends with Cranky Vampire Tara heading to, where else, but a Tanning Salon, in hopes of fake baking herself to death.

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How very Jersey Shore of her.

Of course, Maker Pam might have something to say about that . . .

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Until next time, Fangbangers!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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“I LOVE YOUUUUU!” – A Recap of True Blood’s “Turn, Turn, Turn”

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Love.  There are so many ways to show you care.  Some people show they love you by cooking you a nice meal, or holding you, after you’ve had a rough day.

Others show they love you, by screwing you senseless, or taping mouth shut with duct tape, or crawling into a grave with you, while wearing a really ugly yellow Walmart sweat outfit.

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And then there are those who show they love you by eating your carcass, after you die.

It’s all kind of romantic, when you really think about it.

Yes, Fangbangers.  This week’s season five premiere of True Blood was just filled with the “L” word . . . and also a whole lot of blood, guts, and misplaced bodyparts.  Just how we like it.  Let’s review, shall we?

The Super Snatch of Sookie Stackhouse

We begin our story, literally seconds from where Season 4 ended.  Half of Tara’s brain is oozing out on the floor, as is one of Trailer Trash Debbie’s teeth, as well as other assorted bits of Trailer Trash Debbie.

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 In other words,  it’s a Body Part Smorgasboard . . . any vampire’s dream.

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Speaking of vampires, one has just made a house call.  It’s Pam, fresh off her rejection by her Maker, Eric.  (There are still bloody tears in her eyes.)

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Sookie’s ready to tell her to skedaddle. (After all, she has some deep kitchen cleaning to do . . . again.).  But Lafayette has other plans.  “Turn her!”  Lafayette demands, referring to the brainless wonder lying on the floor beneath him.

“But everybody hates Tara HATES vampires,” says Sookie and . . . well . . . everyone watching at home.

Nevertheless, if Lafayette has to choose between having a self-loathing vampire for a cousin, and worm food for a cousin, he’s going to choose the former.  And Sookie, who LOOOOOOOVES vampires, doesn’t take much convincing to follow suit.  “I’ll owe you one,” Sookie offers brightly.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you feel about Tara), Vampire Pam is desperate enough to get back into her Maker’s good graces to play Let’s Make a Deal.  The sassy vampire gets Sookie to promise to use her magical vaginal powers to smooth things over between Pam and Eric, as well as to perform for Pam an additional, as of yet, unmentioned favor at some unspecified time in the future.

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Sookie seems skeptical at first, but ultimately agrees . . . you know because “TARRRRRRAAAAA” is the most important person in her life right now . . . after “BEEEEEEEEEEEL,” and “ERRRRRRIIIIC” and “JASOOOOOOOON.”

Next thing you know, Vampire Pam is squatting in the dirt next to the highly odorous, Brain-Flaps-A Lot-Dead Tara.  I should note that the former is dressed in the ugliest sweatshirt I have ever seen in my entire life.  (I’m sincerely hoping that belonged to Grams, not Sookie.  But given some of the outfits we’ve seen Sookie wear these past few years, you can never be too sure.)

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Sookie thinks Vampire Pam and Head-Like-a-Half-Chewed-Chocolate-Chip-Cookie Tara should spoon in the grave, to instill maker-progeny bonding or something.  But Vampire Pam isn’t having it.  Wearing an ugly grandma sweatshirt, and becoming eternal mom to her mortal enemy is more than enough sacrifice for one day, as far as Pam is concerned.

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Shrugging it off, Sookie and Lafayette, take turns burying the pair.  Then, they return to Sookie’s house to wait . . .

In other Stackhouse news . . .

Almost Everybody Loves Jason Stackhouse . . . (even Steve F*&king Newlin)

It’s starting to seem like, on this show, the more you hate vampires, the more likely it is that you will eventually become one.  Such was the fate of former cult leader Steve Newlin, who, at the end of last season, found himself on Jason Stackhouse’s doorstep with a pair of pointy incisors, and an outfit that makes him look like he should be playing the uptight rich villain in an 80’s teen movie.

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At first, Vampire Newlin plays the vulnerability card, in order to gain access to the house of his follower turned nemesis.  He claims he has no where else to go, having already been shunned by both his minions, and vampires themselves due to his present condition, and past acts, respectively.  But Jason thinks Steve’s fangs look like big ole white hard-ons (a notion which ends up being rather prophetic), so he doesn’t trust them.  Steve, then, is forced to use a little of that good ole’ glamour power, in order to gain his invitation.

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As it turns out, Steve has a little confession to make.  And he doesn’t want Jason to interrupt him, until he’s said his piece.  So, of course, Steve does what any rational person would do in this situation, he tapes the mouth of his sole audience member — who just so happens to be conveniently shirtless — shut with duct tape.  It’s all very kinky, and 50 Shades of Grey-esque.

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And since it also happens to be my favorite scene in the entire episode, I’ll let you watch, and see for yourself . . .

Steve Newlin  . . . a religious nutbar / cult-leading, arms enthusiast, hate monger turned gay vampire American . . .

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 . . .  who’s head over heels in love with none other than THE Jason Stackhouse.  The reveal was probably the most shocking twist of True Blood’s season 5 premiere.

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 It was certainly one of the more aggressive departures from the book series we’ve seen so far.  And yet, as far as plot points go, this one actually seems to make a surprising amount of sense.  It definitely explains a lot of the weirdness between Steve and Jason during Season 2.

“You should really touch my gun.  It’s SOOO BIG!” 

And all that “murderous rage and whatnot,” it had to come from somewhere right?  Besides, it’s not exactly like falling in love with Jason Stackhouse is the most difficult thing in the world to do.

Considering he had just had his mouth taped shut, by the man who multiple times tried to kill him, Jason handled the profession of adoration quite well.  He even complimented Steve on his kind words.  But when it came right down to it, Jason’s dog just doesn’t bark that way . .

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And Steve F*&king Newlin doesn’t take too kindly to rejection.

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But don’t you worry Jason fans!  Little Red Riding Hood is about to tell that Big Gay Wolf where he can shove his big hard-on fangs.  Poor Steve.  Rejection is hard enough when you aren’t forced to fly backwards through someone’s front door, like a twig caught in the path of a leaf blower, because your home invitation was just rescinded.  Bad for Steve.  But very good for Jason and Jessica . . .

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Not everyone’s a Jason fan though.  He gets some serious cold shoulders from Hoyt and his former highway working crewmates over at Merlotte’s.

They call him G*rlfr*end F*&ker, which I guess is supposed to be insulting, but to me seems kind of like a compliment.  I mean, isn’t that what you’re SUPPOSED to do with your girlfriend.  Yeah, yeah . . . I know, Jason betrayed Hoyt by getting with Jess, and yadda, yadda, yadda.  But Bon Temps is just such a small town!  It’s probably really hard to hook up with someone who isn’t the ex girlfriend of SOMEONE you know . . . especially if you look like Jason Stackhouse . . .

Meanwhile, Jess is enjoying the perks of being temporary Queen of Louisianna, while Papa Bill is “otherwise engaged.”  And like any good Queen, Jess knows how to treat her subjects well . . . by throwing them a frat party, and laying down some fly tunes.

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Jason unintentionally crashes the party, thinking he’s in for another quickie, when Jess lays the “let’s just be friends with benefits speech on him.”  But don’t worry about Jason, looking like he does, he’s a welcome addition to any sorority girl’s daydreams, provided he slip out of that nerdy cop uniform, and into something “more comfortable.”

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For a moment there, it seems like Jason might hook up with a college coed just to make Jess jealous.  But in the end, he does the gentlemanly thing, and simply drives the lovestruck girl home.

Good lord!  Since when did Jason Stackouse, Resident Man Whore of Bon Temps become the Messiah of Boyfriends?

“Hey, I thought I was the Messiah of Boyfriends.” 

Speaking of loyal boyfriends . . .

Tastes Like Marcus

Sam gets accosted by some of deceased Werewolf Pack Leader Marcus’ followers, because they think the shapeshifter killed him.  So, Sam turns into a bird and flies away, rather than rat out Marcus’ real killer, Alcide.  Hey you know what I noticed about Sam?  Except for that cute dog from season 1, he always shift into rather lame creatures, like ugly birds, or flies, and such.  Not very manly.  He’s also probably naked more than any other character on this show.

Anywhoo, Sam eventually turns himself in to the nudist colony of werewolves, provided they promise not to harm his lover Luna and her kid.  Besides, all they really want to know is where Marcus was buried . . . you know, so his mom could like, eat him and stuff . . .

Eventually though, Alcide does the right thing by admitting to killing the Leader of the Pack.  As a result, he gets a pack of his own . . . I’d like to call them the “Non-Carcass Eaters.”

I rule with an iron fist and washboard abs.”

In other Alcide news, he pops by Sookie’s house to give her some home decorating tips . . .

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 . . .  and to invite her to be his roommate, so that he can have hardcore doggy sex with her protect her from Russell Edgington, who’s not-so-much dead, by the way.  Sookie declines, figuring that the whole “I just shot your ex-girlfriend in my kitchen, and you almost tripped over her tooth on the way in here” would make for awkward dinner table conversation.

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Speaking of dead bodies, apparently, someone stole Jesus . . .weird.

Burn it Down

Meanwhile, in what was clearly the least interesting storyline of the evening . . .

. . .  Noel from Felicity is making Terry VERRRRY ANGRY, probably because he keeps yammering on about “The War.”  No one talks to Terry about “The War” and gets away with it.  Also, apparently, someone’s been going around burning down the homes of all of Terry’s former comrades.  So, maybe that freaky lady ghost with the big pop out eyes didn’t burn down Terry’s house after all.  (I’m still trying to decide whether or not I care.)

Speaking of the Bellefleur’s Policeman Andy has a surprisingly nice ass, and a good set of abs, as we learn when we find him post-coitus in waitress Holly’s bed.  Who knew?

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 The two new lovebirds may have ended up in the bed, but they started on the couch, where Holly’s son typically slumbers.

Yikes.  It looks like someone’s going to need to invest in a sleeping bag, STAT.

But enough about those pesky humans.  We watch this show for the vampires, right?

Sibling Revelry

When we last left Vampire Eric and BEEEEL, they had just killed Tight Pants Nan of the Vampire AUTHORITAAYYYY.  In short, they are now in deep doo-doo.  While Lazy Beeel makes a few casual phone calls, Vampire Eric rolls up his sleeves, and starts cleaning Nan bits off the floor, like it’s his job.

I have to admit, watching him clean was a bit of a turn  on.  Then again, watching Vampire Eric do anything would probably be a turn on to me, even if it was something like picking his nose, or scratching his bum.

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Beeel notes that he has this FEELING that Sookie is in danger.  But Eric is unmoved.  “F*&K Sookie,” he says resolutely, which coincidentally, both of these vampires have done numerous times.

Unfortunately, Beel and Eric have little time to reminisce about all those screws in the dirt, shower boinks, and snowball hallucination sex they each had with the blonde waitress, because the AUTHORITAY has come to bring their asses to justice . . .

Riding trapped in the trunk of a car, with their faces so close they could kiss, new bromantic buddies Bill and Eric plot their escape, while their captors rock out to late 70’s era elevator music.  Ultimately, they opt to use an umbrella to access the car’s gas tank.  They then proceed to blow that sh*t up.  Ahh, the many benefits of being immortal, and having unlimited healing powers.  Lying on the ground, face burned to a crisp,  Bill twitches awkwardly, as Eric lifts him to safety.  “I won’t leave you,” whispers Eric in his former nemesis’ ear.

“I just can’t quit you.” 

How very Brokeback Mountain of the two men who, on more than one occasion almost killed one another over the Super Snatch of Sookie.

Their captor up too, and he’s raring for a fight, that is until his female companion shreds the bastard.

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 Turns out this is none other than Eric Northman’s “sister” . . . at least, in that they share the same maker.  So, they are blood related, but not “blood” related, if you catch my drift.  I’m only telling you this, because they end up screwing in some storage container moments later . . .

The Lannisters approve. 

 . . .  as poor Beeel, waits outside, listening, and suffering from a serious case of these . . .

And I have to say, it’s kind of hot . . . or at least as hot as two ridiculously attractive people engaging in sort of/kind of incest can be.  Then, Eric’s cell phone goes off, and the two start bickering.  “We fight like siblings, but we f*&k like champions,” Eric tells Bill conversationally.

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Of course, you do, Eric .  . . of course you do.

Later that night, Sister Nora leads Eric and Bill to a boat driven by someone who I guess is the equivalent of the vampire witness protection program.  You see, even though it looks like Nora has just betrayed her position in the AUTHORITAY, by helping Eric and Beel escape, it seems like there may be a bit of schism among the vampire politicos.  I smell a revolution!

Speaking of revolution, Eric and Bill never quite make it on to that boat, before they are ambushed, by a bunch of gun toting AUTHORITAY members. RUH-ROH!

Meanwhile, back in Bon Temps . .  .

Wakey, Wakey!

It’s time to dig up Tara and Pam.  The latter pops out looking bored, as usual, and more than a bit eager to change out of that ridiculous outfit.   But Tara seems a bit . . . unresponsive.  This of course, is not exactly surprising considering that Pam had suggested that the latters little “brain-flap” issue, might leave her at best a f*&ktarded vampire, and a worst, just a stinky corpse.  Sookie cries.  Lafayette cries.  Pam rolls her eyes.

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And then .  . . Tara RISES . . . and tries to EAT SOOKIE’S FACE . . . or maybe it’s her all powerful Fairy Super Snatch.  The screen fades to black, so it’s too early to tell . . .

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In the weeks to come on True Blood, Eric, BEEL and Hoyt (?) don leathery S&M gear, Tara tries to EAT EVERYONE, Sookie screams a lot, Steve Newlin and Jess square off once again for Jason’s affections, and that dude from Law and Order quotes scripture, while wearing a really snazzy suit.  And you can check out all of it, here . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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