Tag Archives: Claudine

Hot Butts, Pick-Up Trucks, and a Boy Named BEEEEEEEEELL! – A Recap of True Blood’s “Let’s Get Out of Here”

Oh, Sookie Scream Face . . . how I’ve missed you!  Now, if they could just bring back your Ugly Cry Face, I’d truly be a happy camper . . .

That’s the ONE! 

Greetings Fangbangers!  This week on True, Blood we found ourselves faced with a number of very important questions:

(1) Is it OK to “love them both?”

 

(2) Eric’s Ass or Alcide’s Ass?


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(3) Are Taylor Swift songs an appropriate soundtrack for Pick-Up Truck F*&ks?

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(4) And finally . . . posing as a bunny, so that your girlfriend’s daughter can fondle you . . . sweet gesture, or just really, really creepy?

Be prepared to ponder these issues and many more in this week’s recap, or Trailer Trash Debbie will kill you . . . with kindness.

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[As always,  special thanks to SkarsgardFans.com, for the amazing screencaps you see here!]

Prayer Time, with Werewolf and Vampire . . .

I don’t know . . . when I wake up in the morning, all I see staring back at me is my friggin alarm clock.

A werewolf and a vampire are both seeking salvation.  It sounds like the beginning of a joke, right?  But that’s what happens when Alcide carries a bleeding-to-death Sookie back to her house, and King Cockblock steals his thunder, by scooping her out from under him, rushing her to the couch, and sticking his bloody hand in her mouth . . .

Remember the last time Sookie was on the couch . . .  just sayin’ 

A little man-bickering occurs, when King Cockblock notes that he shouldn’t have ALLOWED Sookie to fight tonight, and Alcide seconds that emotion wholeheartedly.  “Werewolf . . . shut the f*&k up!”  King Cockblock replies, which isn’t a very kingly thing to say, if you ask me.

“Grrrrr . .  . feel that trickle of water down your pants, BEEEEL?  That’s me peeing on your leg.”

King Cockblock then instructs Alcide that Sookie is near death, and requires both of their prayers.  To this, Alcide, hilariously responds: “We are a werewolf and a vampire. [If we pray], who’s going to listen?”

 

“I will!  I will!”

It’s an interesting philosophical question, and one that sounds kind of odd coming from a werewolf.  After all, unlike vampires — who always seem particularly prone to mopey behavior and self-loathing — I always assumed that werewolves just thought they were the Bee’s Knees . . . (whatever the heck that weird expression means) .  . . and that everyone, the Lord included, would want to be just like them.

And what man wouldn’t want to look just like Alcide? 

Anywhoo . . . Sookie awakens to the faces of two of the three men currently interested in f*&king her . . .

“What the hell, Alan Ball!  You forgot one!”

Personal sidenote:  When I was a baby, I’ve been told my first word was “Daddy.”  So, every night, when I needed a diaper change, THAT’S who I would call.  Except my dad never changed my diapers.  Only my mom did.  And it INFURIATED her how long I refused to learn the word “Mommy,” even though SHE was the one doing all the dirty work . . . literally.

I imagine this was how Alcide and King Cockblock felt, when they saved Sookie’s life, and all she kept doing was whining for the Viking Vamp. . .

After about the fifth time, in as many minutes, Sookie demands that her lovers find Eric for her, so that she could go back to having that Narnia sex she enjoys so much, Alcide gets fed up.  He then carefully reminds her how many times hanging out with vampires has almost killed her, and tells her to wake up and smell the dead people!  But Sookie is still all, “ERIC, ERIC, BRING ME MY ERIC.”

So, Alicide leaves.  Bill stays though, and, as a result, he is rewarded with a “Thanks for the blood, Bud.  Now, go find my Eric . . .

“But Soookkeeeehhh, I lovvvvvveeee youuuuuuu!”

Wow, talk about biting the hand that feeds you, Sookie!  Speaking of Eric . . .

Worst Use of a Sex Toy EVER!

“Fellow coven members, this is my new pet Eric.  Let’s see how well Eric follows commands.  Eric . . . take off your clothes and start humping my leg.”

Ever since last week, when Witchiepoo converted Eric into her personal slave, I’ve been pondering the important question of what I would do, were I ever lucky enough to have a Sexy Viking Vamp-esque man servant, who is trained to do whatever I tell him.  I came with a list of tasks I would have him perform, most of them X-rated . . . chief among them, “Shower Sex,” OBVIOUSLY!

Interestingly enough, you know what two things WEREN’T on that list:

(1) Wash your face; and

(2) Kill someone who’s already dead.

But, guess what?  Those are THE ONLY TWO THINGS WITCHIEPOO WANTED ERIC TO DO!

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Most of Witchiepoo’s fellow witches are appalled by her sheer lack of imagination.  They don’t think using your Sex Toy to kill a King in a public place is such a good idea.  Some of them even try to leave, but Witchiepoo magically locks the doors, so that they can’t.  Poor little witches.  Now, they are stuck in an old stinky magic shop with: (1) a wackadoo wench, who wouldn’t know a good time, if it bit her in the ass; (2) a VERY hungry vampire; (3) and, probably, only one bathroom.  Talk about a nightmare!

Still, the fact that Tara is miserable, makes me happy.  So, well played, Witchiepoo!

“Mommy’s a little busy right now, honey. Go play with your bunny . . . oops.”

SAM!  Get your head out of that little girl’s CROTCH!

Sam’s still at Luna’s house, trying desperately to get into her pants for the first time, despite the fact that Tommy already did so, while wearing his face.  But Luna isn’t really feeling up for sex.  She’s more concerned about the fact that her ex-boyfriend is terrorizing her daughter, and wants to KILL her current boyfriend.  Not about to let little, insignificant, things like that keep him from getting laid, Sam has the lame temporary kind of dumb brilliant idea to take Luna and her daughter camping with them.  After all, he is the owner of “multiple tents.”

“Hey Big Spender!  That’s a whole lotta . . . fabric”

Things are going pretty well for Sam on his little camping trip, with Luna and her kid just eating up Sam’s remarkable prowess for sleeping outside and peeing in the woods . . .

Oh, you have much better aim than your little brother.  I should have known that wasn’t you.”

But then things take a turn for the odd, when Luna’s little girl (her name’s Emma, by the way) gripes about wild bunny rabbits not letting her pet them, like the class pet bunny rabbits at school do.  So, what does Sam do?  He TURNS HIMSELF INTO A RABBIT, and let’s Emma pet him . . . like . . . A LOT.

“Daddy likes being pet . . .” 

Now, if you don’t think too hard about it, this is a super sweet gesture.  I mean, he made the kid happy, right?  Sure . . . but he also sat on her lap, and let her rub him all over.  Just sayin’ . . .

Things got even more inappropriate when Luna LEFT HER OWN DAUGHTER IN A TENT BY HERSELF to go screw Sam.  Yeah, because THAT’S safe, with a sadistic ex-boyfriend on the loose!

Not to mention the countless number of creatures and things that go “bump” in the night . . . something Sam and Luna undoubtedly won’t be able to hear, since they are too busy “bumping” eachother.  I mean, clearly, neither of these individuals has ever seen the Blair Witch Project . . .

Interestingly enough, while Sam and Luna are beating eachother off, Sam’s little brother Tommy is just plain getting beaten . . . (What else is new, right?)

Greasypoo versus Tommy/Sam . . . a match made in dog poopy

“How do you do, Greasypoo!”

The much-maligned Tommy Boy is busy writing Sam an apology/ goodbye letter on a check.  (Well, golly gee!  I guess really DID learn how to read!)   Then suddenly, the door opens, and Greasypoo comes crashing into Merlotte’s looking for Sam.  Greasypoo would very much like to invite Sam to an Ass Kicking.  So, Tommy, who LOVES Ass Kickings, like nobody’s business, decides to go in Sam’s place.  (How generous of him!)

It sure beats having to dress like THIS . . . 

Also in attendance at the Ass Kicking is Alcide, who, following his rejection by Sookie, has decided to become Trailer Trash Debbie’s wolfy pet, 100%.  And Trailer Trash Debbie wants Alcide to be involved with Greasypoo’s pack.  So . . . involved, Alcide must be!

“I will expect on a big hunk of raw meat on my doorstep, as payment for this . . .”

When Tommy/Sam arrives at the rumble spot, Greasypoo threatens him to stop screwing Luna.  Tommy/Sam cleverly remarks that “Sam” has neve even had sex with Luna (which, at this point in the story, was still true . . . for a few more minutes, anyway).  Unfortunately, for Tommy, the moron can’t keep his mouth shut.   And minutes later, he’s bragging about how HE (Tommy Merlotte) slipped Luna the hot skinwalker injection.  As expected, Greasypoo and his friends start kicking Tommy/Sam’s ass, immediately thereafter, despite promising Alcide that they wouldn’t.

“Oops!  My hand must have slipped . . . into your jaw . . . while clenched in a fist.” 

It’s ALCIDE who breaks up the fight, long enough for Greasypoo to realize he’s been beating up the wrong guy.

Now, here’s my question:  As a skinwalker, and a shapeshifter, can’t you shift into anyone or ANYTHING?  Why then is it that Sam and Tommy only seem willing to shift into lame THINGS and lame PEOPLE, respectively?   For example, we’ve seen Sam transform into a couple of pretty wimpy looking dogs, a fly, and a horny, possibly pedophillic, bunny.  So, why not a Lion, a Tiger, or a Bear, oh my!

Likewise, Tommy, so far, has transformed into Sam and Maxine Fortenberry.

  Admittedly, Maxine’s played some pretty bad ass Wii, during her Maenad possession days . . . So, that has to count for something.

But, if he knew he was going to be fighting Greasypoo on his brother’s behalf, why not transform into The Rock, or Vin Diesel, or at least, a WWF wrestler?  Heck, if I had to fight someone, I’d shift into that kid Emma, before I shifted into Sam!  At least SHE’S scrappy!

“I would shift into Cat Barbie!  Because Cat Barbie KICKS ASS!”

“Give me back my EVIL BABY, DAMMIT!”

Hoyt is having a BAD DAY!  He’s woken up with a MAD HANGOVER!  His house stinks of booze, body odor, and bad memories, of his recent breakup with Vampire Jess.  He throws her Twilight Book (haha!), Good Housekeeping Magazines, and various other pop culture paraphernalia, into a box labeled, “For you, Monster.”  And then a Possessed Lala, carrying an Evil Baby, waves a gun at his head, and tells him to get out of the house.  So, Hoyt listens . . . except . . . HE’S NOT WEARING ANY PANTS!

I said, NO PANTS, Hoyt!  Not NO SHIRT!  Get with the program! 

Jason gets the frantic call from a frustrated Hoyt, while he’s still questioning Terry and Arlene about their recently missing child.  The crew all decide to head to Hoyt’s house, to see if they can get Evil Baby back.  Andy benevolently offers to get Hoyt some pants, but forgets after slurping up some yummy V juice.

Funniest Addict Face EVER!

Back at Hoyt’s, Possessed Lala is still waving his gun at everybody who comes near him, and singing to Evil Baby.  He also won’t let any white people into the house.  This, of course, is highly inconvenient, considering that Tara and Lala may very well be the only African Americans in Bon Temps, unless you count the woman currently inhabiting Lala’s body, of course.

“It’s called affirmative action, b*&tches!  I’m just trying to prove a point!” 

Finally, after what seems like a pretty extended standoff, between Possessed Lala, and . . . well, everyone . . . Jesus arrives.

Just kidding!  It’s NURSE JESUS!

“Remember me?  I spent two episodes hanging out with Grandpa Goatlicker.  But I am back to save the day.  YAY!”

Jason, being Jason, wants to know if this is all some weird Sex Roleplay Thing he and Lala do together.  Jesus is not amused.  (But only because he doesn’t realize how much fun roleplaying could be during sex.)

“Don’t knock it, until you’ve tried it, Buddy!” 

As soon as he enters the house, and sees his boyfriend prancing around like a crazy lady, Jesus  immediately figures out what’s going on with Lala.  Apparently, Lala has been possessed by Crazy Eye Lady Mavis, because Mavis’ baby was taken from her, and killed in Hoyt’s house.  When Mavis tried to see the baby, the father panicked and killed MAVIS too!  The bastard then buried both bodies in front of Hoyt’s house, never too be found again  . . . until now.

“I brought back Crazy Lady’s spirit with this doll!  It’s like Child’s Play, only with southern accents, and less butchering.”

What finally clues Mavis in to the fact that this ISN’T her baby, or her body, is that, unlike Mavis, Lala has a weiner.

(Who knew?)

“AHHHH!  How could I make a baby with this?”  Mavis inquires hilariously.  (Well, Mavis, I hate to break this to you, but weiners are kind of required machinery in the baby-making process.)

Jesus, then instructs Hoyt and Terry to dig up Mavis’s decayed dead nasty baby, which she holds, as if it isn’t decayed, dead and nasty . . . you know, because SHE’S TOTALLY EFFIN NUTS  Then Jesus does some MORE magic, to send that b*tch back from whence she came.

Hasta la Vista . .  . you wackadoodle Ghost Mom, you!

In an oddly touching scene, Mavis thanks Lala, and heads up to Heaven, holding and singing to her no longer corpse-looking child.  Poor Heaven!  Now, they are going to have to listen to Mavis sing that AWFUL song, for all eternity.  Sounds more like Hell to me . . .

Speaking of Heaven and Hell . . .

Remember that time when Sookie dreamed she was on The Vampire Diaries?

“Bite me, Damon and Stefan . . . er . . . I mean Eric and Bill.”

Sookie’s napping on the couch (because, like I said, she never, ever works at Merlotte’s anymore), when she awakens clad in a red lace number that would make Vampire Katherine Pierce proud.

Her hair is also perfect and flowy, like the women on the cover of those romance novels.  Piping through the house is this weird music, that’s kind of a cross between the old Sex and the City theme song, instrumental music from old crime movies, and the type of tunes you’d hear in the background of commercials for feminine hygiene products . . .

Music to my ears . . . if I had any .  . . 

But WAIT . . . someone is at the door . . .

Hallelujah!  It’s non-amnesia Eric, with his sexy non-amnesia Eric hair, that cocky non-amnesia Eric look in his eye, and those tight fitting non-amnesia Eric clothes.  Him and Sookie start going at it on the couch, like only Sookie and NON-Amnesia Eric could (no Narnia Sex here!), when it turns out that Vampire Bill is watching the whole thing, like the creepy King Cockblock / vampire voyeur he totally is!

Oh, that’s right!  Now, I remember!  Sookie has BOTH Vampire Eric, and King Cockblock’s blood in her system, and both are dueling for control of her sex dream!

Forget SOOKIE!  These two should really considering f*&king one another!

Sookie sits these two naughty boys on the couch, and gives them the business.  She doesn’t want to belong to Eric OR Bill.  She wants them both to belong to her.  “Why choose one vampire over the other CHOOSE ERIC!  CHOOSE ERIC!  CHOOSE ERIC . . . (and maybe Alcide too!) when you can choose both, and experience, double the pleasure and double the fun?”  Sookie wonders.

And because this is HER dream, her boyfriends obey her every command, without putting up much of a fight . . .

See, Witchiepoo?  Now, SOOKIE is a woman who KNOWS how to use her man servants!  I suggest you take notes . . .

SOMEONE’S Going to Be Sore in the Morning . . .

Back at home, Nan is bawling her eyes out over being kicked out by Hoyt and rejected by Jason.  She’s also coincidentally reminding Nan Flanagan, why she never decided to become a maker.

“Could someone please turn off this Hallmark movie?  I’d very much like to return to my plans for world domination.” 

Meanwhile, Hoyt has just got his house back from Possessed Lala, and commands that his bestie, Jason, bring the “Monster Box” back to the “Monster.”  Jason balks at the idea of seeing Jess again, given all his .  . . urges, and tells Hoyt that it isn’t his place to do that.  But Hoyt replies, as his friend, it is exactly his place.

So Jason, winds up on Jess’ doorstep, looking fiinnnnnne in his leather jacket outfit, and looking strooooooong carrying the box on which he crossed out the words, “Here you go, Monster,” in an effort to spare Jess’ feelings . . .

Fortunately, there’s a solution to this problem . . . one that involves super raunchy sex in the back of a pickup truck with the Taylor Swift song “Haunted” inappropriately playing in the background . . .

Sorry Hoyt!

Speaking of post-coital . . .

Sookie and Trailer Trash Debbie . . . GO TEAM . . . HUH?

Sookie has awakened from her Dream Threesome, and is now wearing a sweatshirt I’m pretty sure I had in third grade . . .

“Hi, is this the Fashion Police?   I’d like to report myself for a gross violation of age-appropriate clothing.”

Trailer Trash Debbie is at the door.  And considering we last saw her, glaring at Alcide with wolfy eyes, and picking up V in a back alley, We are all thinking THIS CANNOT BE GOOD!

“Hiya, pal!  I was wondering if I could borrow a cup of sugar, and rip your face off with my teeth . . .” 

Sookie seems pretty skeptical of Trailer Trash’s motives too.  However, when she reads her mind, Sookie comes to the conclusion that Trailer Trash’s motives are pure.  So, Sookie decides to let Debbie help her to find Eric . . .

To be honest, I don’t really buy this change in heart.  Could the “V” that Debbie took prior to arriving at Sookie’s somehow block her true thoughts from the fairy telepath?  Is she just going with a “keep your friends close, and enemies closer” philosophy?  Does she figure that if Sookie gets Eric back, she will finally leave Alcide alone?  Or is there a darker plan lurking beneath the surface?  I guess only time will tell.

We’ve still got our eye on you, Glow Eyes! 

But for now, Trailer Trash Debbie is functioning as Sookie’s sidekick.  She distracted Witchipoo at the coven, so that Sookie could see Eric, and learn what plans Witchipoo had in store for him.  When Sookie’s presence was exposed, however, it was oddly enough, Annoying Ass Tara, who helped Sookie get away.  She did this, by cleverly holding a gun to her head, and instructing her best friend to “jump her,” so that the escape looked like an “accident” on Tara’s part.

We still don’t like you, Tara . . . Sorry! 

Trailer Trash then drives Sookie to the Tolerance meeting, where all the poop is REALLY about to hit the fan . . .

So much for Vampire Tolerance . . .

Despite Bill’s pleas that the event be called off, the Vampire Tolerance convention (which only features two actual vampires) goes off without a hitch . . .

Oh, look, Nan stole Vampire Pam’s outfit!  No wonder she wasn’t in this episode.  She had nothing to wear!

 . . . that is . . . until Witchipoo arrives with Zombie Eric, and puts all the vampire sheriffs under her spell, so that the whole group of them are running around in public killing everyone that’s not, you know, DEAD already.

 “Hi!  Welcome to Witchipoo’s Slave Club!  My name is Zombie Eric, and I will be your King Cockblock killer, today!”

In the final seconds of the episode, Sookie dashes into the pavillion and warns Bill to run, just as Eric jumps at him with one word in his hazy, mostly, blank, amnesia-addled mind . . . MURDER . . .

And once again, Alan Ball has attempted to make us nervous by “threatening the life” of a character we know all to well WILL NOT GET KILLED.  What do you think, we were born yesterday?  LAME!  Can you say, CLIFFHANGER?

Be sure to tune in next week, when Eric almost definitely WON’T succeed in doing this . . .

 . . . Terry and V-addicted Andy will engage in the battle of the century, and, POSSIBLY, there will be a HUGE confrontation between former (?) besties, Jason and Hoyt, over the Pick-Up Truck F*&k heard round the world . . .

See ya then, Fangbangers!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Get Your Snowballs Out of My SHOWER! – A Recap of True Blood’s “Spellbound”

You know what I like best about Shower Sex?  IT ACTUALLY OCCURS IN A SHOWER . . . not on the film set for the Chronicles of Narnia!

Sigh!  Oh, True Blood!  How you tease me with your wanton promises of Sexy Seric Shower Sex!  How you made me wait patiently, week in, and week out, for some hot, soapy, bubbly, lathery lovely loving, only to give me something that was .  . . well . . . NONE OF THOSE THINGS.

On a brighter note, I have a brief message I would like to pass along to Eric Northman’s Tushy, on behalf of all Fangbangers . . .

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WE SALUTE YOU!

Let’s recap, shall we?

(By the way, special thanks to Skarsgardfans.com for the fabulous screencaps you see here.)

Vampire Jessica is Having a Very Bad Day . . . Mostly

“Oh Jason!  You’ve saved my life!  Please, let me reward you with a quick Floor F*&k in Daddy’s lobby.”

When we last saw Vampire Jessica, that Mean Ole Witchipoo was spelling her into wanting to meet the sun . . .

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

This week, it was JASON STACKHOUSE TO THE RESCUE!

“Really wishing I had a cape, and some tights, right about now .  . . “

Like a TOTAL BOSS, he tackles Jessica to the ground (Kinky!), and slams the door to Bill’s big fancy mansion WITH HIS FOOT, so Jessica can’t get out.   While, still under the influence of the spell, Jessica flips Jason on his back (More kinky!), and starts attacking him .  . .

Hey!  She kind of looks like she’s playing air guitar, in this picture!

But then the spell inexplicably stops, and Jessica’s thinking, “WOAH!  Weirdest Sex Dream EVER almost as bad as Sookie’s and Eric’s Winter Wondersex!”

She looks down at her hero (who she is oh-so-conveniently straddling at the moment).  Adorable Jason is looking up at Jessica with these big lovey dovey puppy dog eyes, despite the fact that she pretty muh looks like sh*t, right now AND was, just a few minutes ago, trying to EAT HIS FACE OFF!

“I love you . .  . you Crazy Sunburned B*tch!”

And she’s so overcome with passion for him, not to mention, she can feel his massive hard-on poking through her jeans that she plants a big sloppy wet one right on his mouth . . .  After it happens, she pulls away, in shock over what she has done.

“Oh gosh . . . I must have the worst morning breath.  I’m so ashamed!”

But Jessica needn’t be upset.  After all, this is Jason we are talking about!  Former manwhore Jason.  And he loooooooooooooves Jessica.  In fact, he’s so horny for the girl, right now, that he sits up, and pulls her in for another kiss . .  .a REAL ONE, this time!  There won’t be any chalking up of this kiss to “The Excitement of the Moment,” no sir!

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Things are getting REALLY GOOD!  So, of course, you can count on King Cockblock to screw them up.  “SOOOOOOKEHHHHHH JESSSSICAAAAAAA!” He whines .  . . like a b*tch.

“No one gets lucky on my watch . . . NO ONE!  Not even JASON STACKHOUSE, the guy who was gang-banged by werepanthers!”

Jason carries Jessica down the steps to King Cockblock’s hidey hole.  And it’s pretty darn adorable though Floor Sex would have been much more adorable.  Don’t you think?.  Beeeelll thanks Jason for having to save Jessica’s life, because her own maker was too big of a weenie to put the right amount of silver on her.  He then tells Jason that Jessica is going to need to stay in bed, and under silver, for the rest of the day, just in case Witchipoo decides to star in Evil Vampire Spell 2: Electric Boogaloo.  Jessica agrees, because now that she has a solid sex partner, she REAAAAAALLLLLY wants to live!

Jason puts the RIGHT amount of silver on Jessica, while he tries to come up with “happy thoughts” for her to think about, so that she won’t focus on the pain.  “Hot summer days . . . barbecues . . .” He begins.

Though Jessica is too in love with Jason’s face to notice how unintentionally inappropriate he’s being, Jason eventually recognizes his mistake, and changes his “happy thoughts” to things that Vampire Jessica might actually like such as Jason’s ENORMOUS COCK: the moon, never being cold, and Tru Blood . . .   (Awww, Jason!  No vampire actually LIKES Tru Blood.  You should know that by now!)

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The pair looks like they are going to make out right there on that coffin bed.  So, of course, you can count on cockblock Bill to chime in again, and interrupt.  He reminds Jason to not rat out Jessica for eating one of his guards.

Don’t worry, Jess!  Bucky’s not dead.  He’s just taking a nap . . . in his own blood.

Jason says, more or less, “Cool, no problem.  I won’t tell on Jess for eating ‘Bucky,’ if you won’t tell on me for shooting the Extra you had stationed outside.”

Jason and King Cockblock have themselves a deal.  They’d probably even shake on it, if Bill wasn’t chained to his bed with silver .  . . oh well!

The next time we see Jessica it’s “nighttime.”  She arrives home to an unwashed Hoyt, and tells him it’s over between them . . .

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He does NOT take it well . . . We watch him cry and blubber,  beg Jessica to take him back, and offer to drink her blood everyday.  Then THIS happens . . .

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OH MY GOD!  You just killed Hoyt, you bastar . . . I mean . . . b*tch!

Then Jessica runs outside with a big honking smile on her bloody face, and finds Jason waiting in his car, ready to give her the best de-virginization of her life.  And the fact that she doesn’t seem upset AT ALL about just murdering her first love, makes me think, “WOW!  Jessica Hamby is one SICK PUPPY!”

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It’s still pretty hot though . . .

Then Jessica wakes up in her little silver coffin bed.  And we realize it was nothing but a bad dream.  DARN! PHEW!  What a relief!

But then nighttime comes AGAIN.  And AGAIN, Jessica goes to the house she shares with Hoyt, to dump his adorable naive butt.  And AGAIN he doesn’t take it well . . . But this time, it’s a little bit . . . different.

“I KNOW you killed me in your dream!  You . . .  DREAM MURDERER!” 

In Jessica’s dream, Hoyt was a pathetic sniveling mess, when she dumped him.  In real life, he is hurt . . . defensive . . . and, as a result, very MEAN.  He hits Jessica in all her sore spots:  her perpetual virginity, her lack of . . . life, and her former religious roots.

“OH NO, YOU DI-N’T!” 

Though Jessica claims that she is dumping Hoyt, because she doesn’t believe vampires are meant to be monogamous, Hoyt is no dummy.  He knows Jessica has been distant for some time, and suspects that another man is the reason.  And it is . .  . partly.

But there’s another part of Jessica, who just wants to embrace her vampire identity.  And she feels she can’t do that while playing house with Hoyt.  This is why, in her dream, Jason said things to her like, “I love when your face is all covered with blood.  I want you to f*ck me and bite me at the same time.”  Dream Jason loves the vampire side of Jessica, in a way that Real Life Hoyt doesn’t, necessarily.

“Maybe God really does hate fangers.  And so do I!”  Hoyt exclaims, as he rescinds poor Jessica’s invitation to his house, and proceeds to throw furniture around to assert his manhood.

It’s pretty heartbreaking, actually . . .

But if Jess thinks she’s going to get comfort from Mr, Sexypants, himself, Jason Stackhouse, she’s got another thing coming!  Because Jason is nothing, if not loyal.  And he’s also a firm adherent to the Bro Code.  So, when he hears that Jessica dumped his best friend, though he’s clearly affected by the pain she’s in, he’s petrified of the notion that she might have done it for HIM.

“Time out!  Cut to commercial break!” 

It just goes to show how much Jason has grown up, over the past few seasons, that he is able to restrain himself from jumping on Jess, out of allegiance to Hoyt, despite the fact that it’s OBVIOUSLY what he wants to do.  (Remember Season 2, when Jason boned that crazy preacher guy’s wife?  Good times!)  Jessica on the other hand, is still young, inexperienced, and impulsive.  In short, she is the female version of who Jason used to be . . .

That being said, it was still SUPER sad, when Jason rescinded Jessica’s invitation to HIS house too.  I mean, how much heartache is a girl expected to endure in a single hour?

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Man, he looks good in that tight tank top!  Just so you know, Jason.  I’m NOT dating Hoyt So, you can totally have sex with me.

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That’s right, Jess.  And he probably would have done a whole lot more to you, if King Cockblock didn’t intervene.  Who knew King Cockblock was on Team Hoyt?

After Jessica “leaves,” Jason starts incessantly doing pushups, which, oddly enough, I’m starting to think is his way of jerking off . . . weird.

But don’t worry Team Jassica fans!  I suspect this little love triangle is FAR from over!  Alan Ball would NEVER let so much sexual chemistry go to waste except when it comes to the SHOWER SCENE!  WHY, OH WHY did you screw up the shower scene?

Meanwhile, back in Sookieville . . .

Neck Biting: Good! / Snow Hallucinations: BAAAAAAAAD!

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but would you mind terribly taking off that ugly flannel you’re wearing.  It’s distracting me from my wonderful Neck Bite Orgasm.” 

Back at Amnesia Eric’s Hidey Hole, Sookie rips off the Viking Vamp’s silver chains, only to find that he is not healing, as fast as he should be.  It turns out that Amnesia Eric has been WAY too busy having woodland creature sex to think about feeding.  In fact, the last thing he ate, was THIS . . .

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So, Sookie offers up herself as breakfast, holding on to silver for dear life, as the Viking Vampire gives her the Biggest Hickey Ever!  When he’s done SUCKING, he bites his own hand, and offers it to Sookie to drink, so that they can “become one” or whatever . . .

“I do hope you washed that first!  I mean, lord knows where it’s been . . . Oh wait, I know EXACTLY where it’s been.” 

Talk about biting the hand that feeds you!

Rub-a-dub-Dub!  It’s time for the SHOWER SCENE!

YEAH! 

Everything is going great, until Sookie turns on the showerhead, and SNOWBALLS come out . . .

Honey, this would be a really good time to call your plumber! 

After that, things went downhill fast . . . with Amnesia Eric and Sookie sharing V / Fairy blood induced Narnia hallucinations .  . .

“Is that a snowball in my ass, or are you just happy to see me?” 

Then, Bibbity, Bobbity Boo, all those snowballs magically turn into a fur bed.  And I suddenly know what Cinderella would look like as a porno flick . . .

Do you REALLY want to help, Fairy Godmother?  Than PUT THEM BACK IN THE SHOWER, WHERE THEY BELONG!

While the sex fiends are coming down from their mutual high in a decidedly NON-snowball covered bed, Amnesia Eric asks Sookie to run away with her.

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But Sookie tells him that they can’t run away, because it is their duty to help BEEEEEEEEL fight Witchipoo.  After all, Viking Vamp is a “warrior” and stuff . . . and  . . .

WAIT!  NO!  You two have NO obligation to fight for Beeel, at all!  Stay HOME, for Heaven sakes!  Have more Narnia Sex!  Anything but THIS!  In fact, what happens at the end of the episode to Amnesia Eric is YOUR fault Sookeh for making him “fight like a man” . . . or should I say . . . a vamp!  See?  This is what happens when you avoid the shower!

Just so you know, Sookie.  You and I are in a fight, right now. 

So, Sookie and Amnesia Eric visit King Cockblock, dressed like an old frumpy farming couple from East Deliverance, U.S.A. . . .

What not to wear when going on a witch hunt . . .

The pair tell Beel that they want to fight on his behalf, because Beel is Eric’s liege, and Sookie’s um . . . Bill.  King Cockblock doesn’t think Sookie can be of any help . . . her being . . . you know . . . a girl, and all.  But Sookie reminds him that she has The Glow Fingers.  And, suddenly, all is right in the world . . . until the end of the episode, of course . .  . when it isn’t.

Speaking of people who’d like to f*&k Sookie . . .

Leader of the Pack . . . But Still Whipped . . .

“Hi Greasipoo, meet my girlfriend, Sookie . . . er . . . I mean Trailer Trash Debbie.” 

 For someone who “isn’t into the whole pack thing,” Alcide sure seems to be fitting in quite well.   First, he helps break up a fight, among warring pack members.  Then, he showers Greasipoo with compliments about his decision to keep the pack out of the supernatural in-fighting between the vampires and the witches.  Greasipoo tells Alcide that he has “a little Alpha in him” and Trailer Trash Debbie agrees . . .

I’d like him to put a little Alpha in me! 

Greasipoo informs the Studly Alcide that he can move up in the pack, if he plays his cards right.  But Alcide doesn’t seem all that interested in such political crap.  Cue Trailer Trash Debbie, and her broken record complaints that Alcide spends too much time with Sookie, and that she is probably better in bed than I am is a TOTAL SLUT bad influence, since she sleeps with all those vampires.  Alcide, reluctantly, promises to stay away from Sookie.  And, to his credit, he keeps that promise for an ENTIRE TWENTY MINUTES!

Sorry Debbie!  You’re just not fairy enough for Alcide.

Meanwhile, over in that it’s becoming really annoying Not-so-Evil Baby Storyline . . .

What Big Freaky Ass Eyes You Have, Ghost Mom!

Awww!  Evil Baby and Evil Baby Doll have matching outfits.  How cute!

So, we finally know what’s up with this weird baby storyline.  Apparently, the ghost haunting Evil Baby Mikey is not Rene’s at all.  Rather, he belongs to THIS CHICK . . .

Creepiest EYES EVER!

Apparently, as we learn from flashbacks, Creepy Ghost Mom had sex with some married white dude, back in the day, and gave birth to a child, that he . . . I think . . . killed, so his wife wouldn’t know he was cheating.  The white dude lived in what is now Hoyt’s house.  And Creepy Ghost Mom had brought Ugly Doll originally as a gift for her dead kid.

 

Don’t hate me because I haunt innocent people, and have really bad taste in toys.  Hate me, because I have scary eyes. 

Somehow, Creepy Ghost Mom believes that Evil Baby Mikey is the reincarnated version of her lost child, because he just so happens to enjoy playing with the Ugly Doll.  So, Creepy Ghost Mom does what any mother would do in a situation like this:  She POSSESSES LAFAYETTE’S BODY!

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That night, while everyone is sleeping at the Bellefleur mansion, Possessed Lala saunters right into the house, like he owns the place, tip toes upstairs, and snatches Evil Baby.  What she/he plans to do with it now, is anybody guess.  However I suspect it involves torturing the poor kid with those annoying ass songs Creepy Ghost Mom always sings . . .

“Get me out of this sh*t storyline, Hooker!”

In other boring news . . .

Cat Barbie Still Doesn’t Like Sam (and neither does Greasipoo) .  . .

“I dated a Cat Barbie once, back when I shapeshifted into a Ken Doll.  She was very pretty, but kind of wooden in the sack, if you catch my drift.” 

Here we go again, folks!  Once again, Sam is at Luna’s house, with his proverbial tail between his legs.  It was good that he came in person, because I don’t think they make an e-card yet for: “I’m sorry my Skinwalker Teenage Brother pretended to be me, and had unsatisfying sex with you.”  Sam tries very hard to get back into Luna’s panties, by telling her, that he thinks that what Tommy did to Luna was worse than what he did to his parents.  (Really Sam?  Because, last I checked, Bad Sex couldn’t KILL YOU!)

“So, what’s a little white lie, if it helps get you laid?” 

Sam wins decidedly more points, by playing Barbies with the kid, while Luna cooks dinner.  But then Greasipoo interrupts dinner.  And he’s SUPER PISSED about Sam’s unexpected presence.  Surprise, surprise!  The “jealous boyfriend” / father of her kid Luna was referring to, is actually Marcus Greasioo, a.k.a Shreveport Werewolf Packmaster.

“I’ve even got an evil villain beard!” 

Sam tries to make peace with Greasipoo, but the dude is clearly not having it.  “You just pissed on the wrong boots, my friend,” he says threateningly.

I don’t know.  I don’t think Greasipoo isn’t giving Samipoo enough credit.  It’s not easy to piss on someone else’s boots.  For starters, it requires excellent aim . . .

Speaking of people who piss on your boots . . .

Tommy Boy Strikes Again!


So, this is how it’s going to be, huh?  Each week a new actor gets to pretend to be Tommy, Tommy assumes a new identity.  Comic Hijinks ensue?

This week, Tommy impersonates his once-surrogate Mommy, Maxine (He stole her clothing and makeup from her house the night before), in order to get his hands on the oil money to which he had learned she was entitled, a few weeks back.  Unfortunately, for him, the payoff ends up being not nearly as much as he expected.  But the day is not a total loss!  After all, Tommy Boy still gets the chance to wear awful makeup, do his hair really weird, and order the food Sam hides for himself in the back of the bar “because he is selfish.”  Just another day in the life of a Skinwalker/ Transvestite!

Lookin’ good, Tommy/Maxine! 

I actually think that Tommy Merlotte, would make for a pretty hot chick, don’t you?

In completely unrelated news, that curler-wearing vampire from last week is dead . . . er . . . deader.  (R.I.P.)  So, of course, V-addicted Andy almost licks her off the floor.

Come on, Andy!  Have a little class!  At least use a fork! 

And finally, the storyline you’ve all been waiting for . . .

“Sit, Viking Vamp.  Good dog!  Now beg for shower sex.”

Poor Eric Northman!  Why must they continue to emasculate you on this show?  Penis size envy, perhaps?  For a while there, things were  looking really good for you.  You were ripping throats out, and taking names.  I thought you were finally coming back to yourself.  Then, THIS happened, and well . . . yuck!

It all starts when King Cockblock compelled a reporter (Selah Pumphrey .  . . readers of the book series should remember the name) to allow him to monopolize the airwaves to give out a Pro Vampire PR message, in light of Curler-Wearing Vampire’s death . . .

Witchipoo honestly cracks me up, with her frantic inability to turn off the television to get Vampire Bill’s annoying face off her screen.  (I feel your pain, Witchipoo!)  This was a clever touch on the writers’ part, as it’s easy to forget that “Antonia” hasn’t been around for a LONG time, and has probably never seen a television in her entire life.

Tara is hanging out with Witchipoo.  For about two seconds, she pretends she didn’t know that the purpose of their little witchy spell that morning was to KILL ALL THE VAMPIRES, and feigns outrage over how AWFUL that is.  Then, Tara gets bored of pretending to be a decent human being, and goes right back to being her sniveling, whining, selfish, murderous self . . .

“Hey, Witchipoo!  You’ve got the wrong idea about me.  I never said I wanted the vampire to all die!  I just don’t want them to be on this Earth anymore.  You know, so you should like ship them all to Uranus, or something. . . ” 

Witchipoo is SEETHING over the fact that her little spell only killed that Curler-Wearing vampire!  But she manages to maintain her cool, when a slick and slimy King Cockblock calls her on the phone to arrange a meeting.

“So, Witchipoo, what are you wearing!”

Witchipoo is hesitant to meet with King Cockblock, at first.  But then he blows so much smoke up her ass that she nearly floats out of the room.  And so the pair agree to meet alone at the cemetery at midnight.  Of course, when the meeting time arrives, neither party is exactly alone.

“Expecto Patronum!” 

“Ditto!”

I love when Sookie and Tara look at one another from across the cemetery, and realize they are on opposite sides of this battle.  It’s a total “Et Tu B*tchay?” moment!  King Cockblock promises Witchipoo that the vampires will leave her alone, if she takes her evil spells off of Eric and Pam.  But since Eric and Pam were some of the many vampires who actually HARMED Witchipoo . . . or rather, “Marnie,” she’s not having it.

But then, Witchipoo starts chanting again.  And Eric does THIS . . .

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 . . . which is a decidedly NON-Amnesia Eric thing to do.  So, maybe she despelled him, after all . . . for now.

Eric’s throat grabber is like the starter gun that begins the race.  And all of the sudden, vampires are kicking witches ASSES, left and right.  Sookie even eliminates a few coven losers with her magic fairy fingers.  (You GLOW, girl!)

“Damn!  I could really use a manicure!  My nailbeds are shot to hell!” 

Then, the moment we’ve all been waiting for arrives.  Pam corners Tara, and prepares to break her neck .  . .  ONCE AND FOR ALL!

 “Go Pam!  It’s your birthday!  Gonna murder Tara, like it’s your birthday!  Gonna rip her throat out, like it’s your birthday.”

But then, who should come and screw it all up? But KING COCKBLOCK, who COMMANDS Pam to spare TARA!

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I CONCUR, PAM!  King Cockblock ruins EVERYTHING!

Then someone SHOOTS SOOKIE!

And if you think she actually dies, I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn for five cents . . .  

Suddenly, all the men in Sookie’s life stop short in their tracks, because . . . you know . . . EVERYBODY LOVE SOOKEEHHHH!

Witchipoo uses this crucial, “Not without my Soookeeeeh” moment, to try on some new colored contacts . . .

. . . and put YET ANOTHER spell on Eric Northman.  This one seems to make him her (sex?) slave.  (Well, hey, at least SOMEONE’S going to get shower sex!)

Meanwhile, it’s actually ALCIDE, who rescues Sookie from her once-a-season near death experience . . .  lifting her up and out of the frey, in those big burly arms of his .  . .

“Man, this is the biggest doggie treat I have ever seen!” 

Of course, where there is an Alcide, there is a Trailer Trash Debbie stalking nearby.  And she is NOT a happy camper.  So, much for that “stay away from Sookie” promise.  Right Alcide?

Apparently, while in her wolf form, Trailer Trash Debbie is capable of curling her hair, and putting on makeup.  Talk about Stupid Pet Tricks.”

So, just to review:  the episode ends with Formerly Amnesia / Now Sex Slave Eric, getting a head rub from Witchipoo;  Sookie being carried off the premises by the Big Bad Wolf; Trailer Trash Debbie rethinking her 80’s hair; and Tara still alive . . .

In short, NO ONE is happy . . . and life sucks.  Did I mention they forgot to include the Shower Sex?

Oh well . . .  better luck next week, Sookehhhh.  If you live that long . . .

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Tata for now, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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SAVE HER, JASON! (We need more sex scenes . . .) – A Recap of True Blood’s “Cold Grey Light of Dawn”

“Marnie can’t come to the phone right now.  (Her body has been inhabited by a 400+ year old Evil She-Witch.)  But if you leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message, she will return your call, before you can say: ‘The Sun.  The Suuuuuuuuuun!”

Greetings, Fangbangers!  Well, another episode of True Blood has come and gone.  And the elusive Seric Shower Scene is still a no-show . . .

But hey!  We still got about five-minutes total of Seric and Alcide engaged in no-holds barred, Wham, Bam, Thank you, Vampire Porn!

Alcide Porn sold separately. 

By the way, did anybody catch that little sneak peek of Wet Soapy SOMETHING in next week’s previews? 😉

 Just sayin’

But that’s next week!  We’ve gotta talk about THIS week!  So, wrap yourself in silver, and prepare for a ride on the Big Pink Coffin, because it’s GO TIME!

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(By the way, special thanks go out again to skarsgardfans.com, for the awesome screencaps you see here.)

Look Out for those Zombies!

Hey Katie . . .  this might not be the best time to ask this .  . . but .  . . now that you’re dead . . . do you think I can have your IPad?

One thing must be said about King Cockblock . . . er, I mean, Beeell . . . he sure pays his security staff well.  How else would Katie be able to afford the IPad she was using to play some Random Zombie Game, in the opening moments of the episode, right before her life got snuffed out, faster than a Mathlete in a Dodgeball Game?

Katie is forced to take a break from killing zombies, when she hears a cry for help.  It’s Witchipoo!  And (gasp) she’s being attacked by Rapey Mc Vampire . . .

“Has anybody ever told you, you look like the guy on those Mr. Clean Bottles?” 

“But WAIT,” you say.  “I’m CONFUSED!  I thought, at the end of last week’s episode, Marnie was CONTROLLING Rapey Mc Vampire’s BOD . . . . Ooooooooh!”

That’s right, boys and girls, our little Queen Sophie Anne look-alike has fallen into a trap . . . and that trap’s name is “Antonia.”  (I’m SO glad, I don’t have to call her Inner Witch, anymore!)

“She’s right, you know.  You TOTALLY look like Mr. Clean!” 

Within seconds, a zombified Rapey McVampire is attacking Katie, like it’s his job, which, right now, it is . . .

 Witchipoo gets Rapey McVampire to compel Katie to tell him the nearest exits, and clear them, to ensure Witchipoo’s escape.  Once this is done, Witchipoo instructs Rapey to KILL Katie.  But, of course, she doesn’t allow him to do it by feeding.  (Way to be a buzzkill, Witchipoo!)

Wait  . . . did she just tell Mr. Clean’s evil vampire twin to “Stay Clean?”  Why do I feel like I just walked into a commercial for one of those nifty Magic Erasers . . . 

Perfect for those pesky blood stains . . .

Having successfully dispatched of Katie, Witchipoo has one more task for Rapey McVampire.  It involves FINALLY revealing her friggin name delivering a Very Important Message to King Cockblock  . . .

(By the way, kudos to Aunt Petunia Fiona Shaw for rockin’ the dual roles.  Witchipoo Antonia is as terrifying and deliciously naughty, as Witchipoo Marnie is doddering and scatterbrained!  The new accent is pretty cool too!)

Meanwhile, outside Merlotte’s, another feisty female is having a run-in with a zombie . . . or at least a vampire who looks like one . . .

“Umm . . . Pam, you have a little something on your forehead . . .”

Now, I love Vampire Pam to death (appropriate choice of words), but, can I just say, I am SO TIRED of looking at that chewed-up face of hers.  Thank goodness her little doctor friend was able to undo some of the damage  . . .

Anywhoo . . . Vampire Pam starts attacking Tara and her girlfriend.  KILL HER!  KILL HER!  And it REALLY looks like she’s going to kill Tara.  KILL HER!  KILL HER!  In fact, she probably would have, if those fabulous folks at TMZ didn’t interrupt.  Cockblocks!

Damn you, Harvey Levin!  Damn YOU!

“What’s the matter with your face?  Are you sure you aren’t a zombie?”  The TMZ journalists wonder.   (You can always count on TMZ to ask the hard-hitting questions.)

Knowing full well that a public human killing, will result in certain death by King Cockblock, Face-Off Pam is unfortunately forced to retract her fangs and retreat .   . .

Damn you, King Cockblock!  Damn YOU!

Later that night, Tara’s girlfriend, once again implores her to leave crazy Bon Temps behind her.  GO WITH HER, TARA!  GO!  But noooo  . .  . Tara, who apparently has a death wish, has to give some lame speech about how everybody she’s ever had a relationship with . . . all two of them . . . have ended up dead.  (But Tara . . . you screwed Sam, and he’s still alive . . . for now.)

“I’m already dialing 911 for you, Lovely!”

Long story short, Tara breaks up with Cage Fighting Girl, who drives away in a huff, taking any redeeming qualities Tara may have had during the first six episodes, right along with her . . .

 But hey, before Pam left, she told Tara that she would turn her into confetti (Ooh!  Party!).  So, there’s hope  . . .

“I See Singing Dead People”

“I’m only here, because they told me I looked too old to be on Glee.  Shhhh!  Don’t tell anyone!” 

So far, my Laffy Taffy, La La (a.k.a. Lafayette) seems to be winning the award for Cast Member tied up in the Most Storylines . . .

“That’s because, I’m the prettiest, Hooker!”

Let’s see, he started off as a reluctant member of Witchipoo’s coven, spent a few episodes with Grandpa Goatlicker (where he found out he has the power to be possessed by the dead . . . which I STILL think is the most awful, unhelpful, magical superhero power since Glow Fingers . . .)

Then again, I guess you would save a lot of money on flashlights . . . 

Then, we find him back at Merlotte’s freaking out because that weird Ghost Lady with the big freaky eyes popped up out of nowhere and started singing to the Evil Baby  . . .

“Hey, La La!  It’s me, Evil Baby.  Question: You wouldn’t by chance be related to that character on the Teletubbies, would you?”

By the way, did you notice how La La called Evil Baby, “Little Booger?”  Nowthere’s a nickname you have to hope, doesn’t stick . . .

You Screw, I Screw . . .

DEBBIE:  “Alcide, stop making that noise!”

ALCIDE:  “Ummm . . . that’s not ME!”

Poor Alcide!  He’s so whipped by Trailer Trash Debbie, you can get rope burn on your back, just from watching him!  This week, we find Alcide and Trailer Trash at a pack initiation meeting.  Greasypoo the Werewolf is rubbing blood on their heads, like its the best gift, since the Tiffany necklace . . .  Of course, Trailer Trash, that needy wench, is thrilled . . . probably because it reminds her of her old pack, and how they all used to get high on V together . . .


“Sit, Debbie!  Good dog.  Now, roll over and play dead . . .”

Alcide, on the other hand, is looking pretty effing miserable.  And Debbie, who’s smarter than we give her credit for (but just a VERY little bit), knows exactly what Mopey Alcide’s problem is.  Let me give you a hint:  It starts with an “S” and ends with an “ookie.”

DEBBIE:  “Why so glum?  Fairy got your tongue?

ALCIDE:  “I WISH . . .  er . . . I mean . . . um . . . I’m just tired.  Yeah, that’s it, tired!”

Trailer Trash Debbie’s concerned that, while Alcide is at the pack meeting with her, in his mind he’s off having woodland creature sex with a certain Blonde Telepathic Fairy Waitress.  “I’m just wishing I could bang her brains out worried about her, out alone during a full moon,” Alcide explains.

Believe it or not, it is actually Trailer Trash who suggests the pair leaving the pack meeting and looking for Sookie.  (It’s almost as if shesomehow knew what they would find!).  As Alcide and Debbie, travel through the woods, they hear the distinct sounds of Sookie.  Oh no!  She sounds like she’s in pain . . .

Woah!  Someone’s going to need an icepack, later . . . for her Yahoo Place! 😉 

Cut to Alcide at home, later that night, banging Trailer Trash’s brains out through Angry Revenge Sex . . .

Special thanks go out to Sookie, Eric, and Trailer Trash Debbie, for making this glorious moment possible .  . .

Next thing you know Needy Trailer Trash Debbie is boo hooing about Alcide secretly being in love with Sookie, hence the Angry Revenge Sex.  (Hey, wake up and smell the dog biscuit, honey!  YOU ARE GETTING TO HAVE SEX WITH ALCIDE!  So, what if he doesn’t love your trailer trash ass!  Beggars can’t be choosers  . . .

Anyway, Alcide reassures Debbie that she’s the only one he loves, and, blah, blah, blah . . . Less talking, more screwing, please!

Speaking of more screwing . . .

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I’ll be honest, I typically don’t find watching booty sex to be particularly erotic.  But there’s just something about the three-way mirror, Amnesia Eric’s flawless form, and the way he rubs his hand across the small of her back sensually, as he’s doing his thing, that just . . . well . . . whew, is it hot in here?

Remember last week, when I talked about how difficult it must have been for Sookie and Eric to move their makeout session from the porch to the couch, without stopping once for air?  Well, how about going from ALL THE WAY IN THE WOODS to the living room, to Sookie’s bedroom, without ever stopping to . . . um . . . “reload?”

I guess having sex is kind of like riding a person.  once you do it, you never forget how . . . even if you are suffering from amnesia . . .

After HOURS and HOURS (and HOURS AND HOURS)  of unadulterated love making of which, unfortunately, we only got to witness about three minutes (Now, if that’s not reason to buy the Season 4 DVD’s in search of Deleted Scenes, I don’t know WHAT is!), Sookie and Eric finally fall into bed together, for some post-coital pillow talk . . .

SOOKIE:  “You know, I’ve been thinking about that sleeveless hoodie you’ve been wearing for the past few episodes.  It’s AWFUL.  How about tomorrow we get you dressed up in a whole NEW look.  I was thinking something a long the lines of Farmer Chic?”

ERIC:  “Farmer Chic?  Man, Sookie!  My thousand and sixty five year old GRANDMA has a better fashion sense than you!” 

In the first of many similar conversations Eric and Sookie have throughout the episode, a concerned Amnesia Eric wonders whether Sookie will still love him, when he gets his memory back, and reverts back to being the Badass Viking Vamp we all know and love . . .

“What, nawwww . . . how could I EVER love THAT?” 

Sookie babbles on and on about how awful Old Eric was, and how she would have never let him into her bed, and blah, blah, blah.  Thou doth protest too much, I think.  If I were Eric, I’d probably be a bit annoyed at Sookie’s near constant need to remind Amnesia Eric of how EVIL old Eric was.  I mean, for starters, it’s kind of rude, especially after the guy has just spent hours giving you the best lay of your life . . .

Additionally, it’s not as though Amnesia Eric is the same as Antonia!Witchiepoo, or Tommy!Sam.  Unlike these individuals, Vampire Eric is still the same individual inside, he just doesn’t remember being it.  So, for Sookie to say that she ONLY likes Amnesia Eric, and HATES Viking Vamp Eric doesn’t make any sense at all, because they are basically the same person.

Eventually, Sookie promises to TRY to still love the Old Eric, when he returns.  (Yeah, because that’s SOOO hard to do1)  She says this, just as Amnesia Eric is deciding that he NEVER wants to remember his past life.  So, much for the pep talk, Sookie!

In other shirtless news . . .

Bros Before Baby Vamps . . .

“I’m too sexy for my shirt . . . too sexy for my shirt .  . . so sexy, it HURTS!” 

When we revisit Jason for the first time since he’s had his “just friends” talk with Baby Vamp Jessica, he’s still all hot and bothered, but trying VERY hard to get his mind of off things .  . .

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Why does this show always make me insanely jealous of the FLOOR?

Workout Time with Jason Stackhouse is interrupted by a surprise visit from Hoyt . . .

Hoyt!  How can you look so sad, when there is so much beauty around you . . . and he’s wearing a hat?

Hoyt SAYS he came over to check on Jason, after the whole Gang Banged by Werepanthers thing.  But really, he wants to gripe to Jason about how Jessica’s love is slipping away, and blah, blah, blah.  Jason would LOVE to be a good friend to Hoyt, and listen to his problems.  But, since the mere mention of Jessica’s name is enough to get Jason thinking about THIS . . .

 . . . instead of a shoulder to cry on, he offers Hoyt some Sloppy Joes instead.  Hmmm .  . . I wonder if that’s a euphemism for something else that’s sloppy . . .

Speaking of Sloppy Jess 😉 (See what I did there?  Let’s go check in on her maker, King Cockblock.)

Rapey Mc Vampire, We Barely Knew Ye (But you still sucked.)

Vampire Slumber Party

Like the Faithful Dog that Rapey McVampire has become, he arrives at King Cockblock’s castle to deliver “Antonia’s” message.  And the message is:  “I’m going to kill you, so I don’t have to deliver the message.”  But fortunately, or unfortunately (depending on how you feel about King Cockblock), Cockblock kills Rapey first . . .

How fitting!  After all, isn’t death the ultimate cockblock?

Though Bill has succeeded in saving himself for now, it is Antonia, who truly has the last laugh.  Because the last dying word on Rapey McVampire’s lips is hers: “Resurrection.”

Silvering:  The Vampire Version of Going to the Mattresses

Seeing the proverbial handwriting on the wall, King Cockblock now has the odious task of telling his vampire subjects that the only way they can avoid certain death, is either to leave town, or voluntarily silver themselves.  The person he has the most difficulty giving this speech to is Baby Vamp Jessica, who, as his progeny, only has to worry about this silly Sun thing, because of him.  (Honestly, I don’t understand why King Cockblock didn’t just tell Baby Vamp to leave town?  Wouldn’t that have been safer than what he ACTUALLY ended up doing?)

“Obviously!”

After informing his fellow sheriffs (well, all except for Rapey McVampire, who already knows) and Jessica, King Cockblock has the awkward task of informing Post-Coital Sookie and Amnesia Eric.  Though dressed, the stench and appearance of hardcore sex weighs heavy on the new couple, with Eric’s new farmer flannel nearly bursting at the seams from the unbridled passion of the past few hours . . .

When King Cockblock asks Amnesia Eric whether his “reunion” with Sookie was a happy one, it occurs to me that his Hiney Highness has REAL issues with self-loathing.  Then again, since he can “feel what Sookie feels,” he probably already knows just how “happy” that reunion was . . .

“If you care for him at all, you will do this.  Or it will be his last day on Earth,” warns Bill.

What?  No more Eric Northman?  NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Silver him Sookie, Silver him HARD! 

Though horrified by the notion of willingly causing her boyfriend pain (and not the good kind of pain, either), Sookie eventually agrees to go to ground with her new boyfriend, silver him, and hold him tight, while they wait for Antonia’s witchy power to take hold . . .

What follows are a series of excruciatingly painful to watch S&M type silvering scenes, in which all of our favorite vampires, willingly weaken themselves, and subject themselves to unendurable pain, in order to prevent themselves from a zombified final Meeting with the Sun . . .

Question: How come all the silvered vampires had bloody ears, but the rest of their faces were scar free? 

No father, likes to see his child in pain.  But it is King Cockblock’s inability to cope with Baby Vamp Jess’s screams of anguish, while he’s silvering her, that may end up costing her his life.  By putting only a very few silver chains on Jessica, Cockblock was not only underestimating his daughter’s strength, he was also underestimating Antonia’s power  . . .

“Hey, could someone let me out of here, so I could use the bathroom?  That O-postive didn’t agree with me AT ALL!”

As for Face-Off Pam, The Resident Doctor to the Supes, is giving her a heaping helping of Vampire Botox, before she goes to ground.

 

Thank the LORD!  Maybe we won’t have to endure another week of that nasty ass face! 

Though Doctor to the Supes delivered the first round of treatment, it is actually Screaming Ginger, who gives her another treatment, before covering her in chain mail, and locking her away, in her pink frilly, Pam-like coffin  . . .

 

Man, I don’t get PAID enough for this sh*t! 

In lighter news . . .

Things Not to Do on Your First Date . . .

Listen up, Andy Bellefleur!  You just might learn something.

(1) DO NOT take your companion on a date to WHERE SHE WORKS.  You know the saying: “Don’t sh*t where you eat.”  Well, “don’t date, where you bus tables,” is it’s less well-known, but equally intelligent, little sister  . .

(2) If the place where you are taking your date serves onion rings and hamburgers, that’s probably a good indication that you shouldn’t wear your suit there.

(3) Don’t BUY your date flowers, and then (a) say you got them on sale and/or (b) take them away, after the date is over.  That’s just moronic!

(4) And finally, if you just so happen to be an addict, right before your first date is NOT the time to first quit cold turkey.

Got it Andy?  Then again, I kind of feel like I should cut you some slack.  I mean, dating has never exactly been your family’s strong suit . . .

Grandpa f*&ker!

Speaking of pointless storylines . . .

Take Your Skinwalking Ass, Elsewhere, Tommy Boy!

“Hey Luna!  Since you seem to be in the habit of screwing members of my family, my Uncle Earl just got out of prison!  He’s 72, and still has one of his original teeth.  But, hey!  Age is just a number, right?  Just ask Tommy . . .”

“Brother f*&ker!”

The Saga of Sam and Tommy is like a rickety Merry-Go-Round at an amusement park.  The same things happen over and over again, and it’s not really working well, but, for sentimental reasons, nobody seems to want to tear it down . . .

We have to stop meeting like this . . .

See, if this storyline sounds familiar to you: (1) Tommy gets himself in trouble;  (2) He comes crying to Sam for help; (3) Sam helps Tommy, because their brothers, and he feels somehow responsible for Tommy’s life sucking so much; (4) Tommy screws up again, betraying or hurting Sam in the process; (5) Sam kicks Tommy out, until . . . (Repeat steps 1 through 5)

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So, do we, Sam!  So, do we!

Now, while I would like to believe that Sam has finally washed his hands of The Boy Who Cried Skinwalker for good.  I, honestly, don’t think we are that lucky.  For me, the best part of this annoying storyline was the look on Luna’s face, when she found out she had slept with Dirty Little Tommy, instead of Sam.  PRICELESS!

Speaking of old annoying habits that die hard . . .

Get a Clue Tara Thornton!

Tara, honey?  Can we talk?  Tell me something, Tara, why is it that you feel the need to be the unwitting sidekick to Every Single Female Villain on this Show?  Remember THIS CHICK?

Perhaps, you don’t, because you were too busy having hardcore sex with Eggs, eating Hunter’s Stew, getting high, and showing off your brand new black-colored contacts to notice her.  But let me remind you.  She took your vulnerability, loneliness, and abandonment issues, and used them to convince you to WILLINGLY BECOME HER PUPPET.

We let it slide, back then, because your mom was an alcoholic b*tch, and your life really did suck, just as much as you said it did.  However, now the Witch Formerly Known as Witchiepoo has manipulated you to do the EXACT SAME THING, by using the EXACT SAME METHODS (with a heaping helping of Anti-vampirism thrown in for good measure).  You know, there’s a saying about this sort of thing, it goes:  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, YOUR AN A$$HOLE!!!!!

Anywhoo . . . with her new wind-up doll Tara’s help, the Witch Formerly Known as Witchiepoo is able to get the whole coven back together, for one FINAL spell.  The goal:  to make all vampires in the area rise from their coffins, and meet the sun.

Now, I’ve gotta say, as much as I hate what she’s doing, this b*tch can be mighty persuasive when she wants to be.  I mean, her little Witchy Pep Rally was so inspirational, I nearly walked into the television, and joined her cult.  And I LOVE MY VAMPIRES . . .

Especially THIS one . . . 

“Understand this,” President Witchiepoo says, “vampires are not immortal.  They are only harder to kill . . . Our human spirits are immortal.  Let us show these vampires the power of the human spirit.  Ask not what your coven can do for you, ask what you can do for your coven.

Then the witches all start chanting, and President Witchiepoo rises a few feet from the ground, making her look like she’s part of a high school production of Peter Pan.  It’s really cheesy exciting .  . .

The Beginning of the End?

Hold on to your coffins, Fangbangers!  Because things are about to get ugly . . . 

It’s high noon.  All the vampires think they might die today.  So, many heart-to-hearts and final words are exchanged.  Sookie and Amnesia Eric continue their conversation about Eric’s memory, and it’s potential devastating effects on Eric’s sex life.  Sookie FINALLY realizes that even Viking Vampire Eric was willing to die for her, back when he offered to meet the sun, in exchange for Sookie’s and Godric’s life back in Season 2.

“It’s about damn time, you realized that we still love eachother, even when I’m a bad ass!” 

Jessica and Bill share a sweet moment in which Bill apologizes for all the pain he’s caused her by turning her.  Jessica admits that, in life, she’d never lived as much as she does now, as Bill’s undead progeny . . .

She also tells Bill that he’s a better parent to her, than her biological parents could ever be.  All together now, “AWWWWWW.”

When Jessica admits that she may have fallen out of love with Hoyt, Bill doesn’t lecture, or judge her for being fickle, he rather, reminds her, that even though she’s a vampire, she still has a human heart, and that it will one day love again.  (Who knew Vampire Bill was such a Team Jassica fan, huh?)

They then talk a bit about the Resurrection, and whether or not it will affect their minds as well as their bodies . . . Unfortunately, they are about to find out . . .

Our would-be Super Hero Jason visits Sookie, just as President Witchiepoo’s spell begins to take affect.  As Jason is delivering his happy, “I’m not a werepanther,” news, wind starts ripping through the house, and Eric starts screaming for the sun.  Sookie dashes back to her lovers aid, but not before sharing with Jason, an important piece of information.  “All vampires might meet the sun today . . . including Jessica.”

Off Jason dashes to save his honey!

You GO, boy!  (Does anybody else, besides me, wish he was wearing THIS on his rescue mission, instead of his dorky cop uniform?  Just sayin’ .  . .) 

Antonia’s powers take hold of Baby Vamp Jessica first, who has the least amount of silver on her (GEE THANKS, BEEEEL!), and thus, is the least physically weakened, when Antonia’s “sun worship” message reaches her brain.  She breaks her chains fairly easily, disarms the guard by the door, and exits the cubby hole she’s been sharing with Beeeel.  When Bill commands her to stop, as her Maker, we wonder, for a moment, if he is immune to the spell.  But then, he asks Jessica to unchain him, so HE can meet the sun too, and learn that this is NOT the case.

What’s interesting in this scene is that Jessica, for the first time, is able to directly disobey her Maker’s orders, leaving him chained up, as she rises to meet the sun.  This illustrates that the witches power over the vampires exceeds even the bonds between Maker and Progeny.  Pretty scary stuff!  In the final moments of the scene, we see Jessica open the doors of Bill’s fancy mansion, exposing herself to the sunlight, just as Jason emerges on the lawn, tackling a guard to get to her . . .

Will Jason rescue her in time?  (DUH!  OBVIOUSLY!  How could the writers possibly pass up an opportunity for INSANELY HOT Jassica sex?)  Or will it be too late?

Tune in next week to find out . . . also next week . . .

Rub-a-dub-dub, it’s the sex scene we’ve all been waiting for!  See you then, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Animal Magnetism (and How it Can Help Get You Laid) – A Recap of True Blood’s “I Wish I Was the Moon”

I’ll have what SHE’S having . . . 

Wooh!  Well, hello, Fangbangers!  Have you cooled off yet from this week’s episode of True Blood?  Or are you still howling at the moon, and rolling in the dirt?

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Well then, hold on to your face (and your butt), and please, try not to shapeshift in the house!  Because it’s time for your weekly True Blood recap . . .

(By the way, special thanks to Skarsgardfans.com for all the awesome screencaps you see here, unless otherwise sourced.)

Sorry, Vampire Beeeell!  You’ve been replaced!

“Dearest, Eric!  Don’t forsake me!  I want you in my ass  mouth dominion.”

Poor King Beel!  He may own the crown, and the keys to the fine State of Louisiana.  But Vampire Eric possesses keys that are MUCH more valuable.  Of course, I’m referring to the keys to Sookie’s legs  panties heart.

“Open SESAME, SOOKEHHHHH!  I’m GOING IN!” 

When we last left our lovers, Amnesia Eric and Sookie were making out a few steps from her porch.  This week, they’ve managed the always- challenging feet of tonguing and fondling one another, while walking backwards, climbing steps, AND removing extraneous items of clothing. (Don’t let TV and films fool you!  This sh*t is HARD to do!  And, more often than not, it involves someone falling on his or her ass.)

ERIC:  “Woah!  Was this couch always here?  Because I could have sworn it wasn’t always this conveniently close to the door.” 

SOOKIE: “Just shut up, and continue humping me, please . . . I peeked at this week’s promos.  Apparently, we don’t have much time until the Cockblock comes, and I’ll be damned if I don’t get to have AT LEAST one ‘O’ before he arrives.

Fortunately, Sookie gets her wish . . .

“Thank you, LORD!  I’ve been waiting four years for THIS!” 

Enter King Cockblock . . .

*insert Depressing Death March Music here* 

“SOOOKEEEEEEHHHH!”  King Cockblock shouts.

Perhaps, he assumes Sookie’s moans of pleasure, are really cries of pain, in disguise!  Nah . . . he’s just a douche.

Then, THIS happens . . .

 . . . and THIS . . .

So, of course, my inner fangirl starts doing THIS . . .

“KILL HIM, ERIC!  You STAKE that King Cockblock!  Stake him GOOD!”

There is an interesting moment, where Eric stands poised with his big ole fire poker over Beeeel’s heart, and demands that Sookie tell him who exactly this creeper is to HER.

 Sookie hesitates for a moment.  The words “ex boyfriend,” “cemetery f*&ker,” “almost blood drainer,” and “master betrayer” undoubtedly run through her brain, before she decides on “He’s YOUR KING,” which , if you think about it, is not exactly responsive to his question.  Nevertheless, Sookie’s answer affects Eric deeply.

“You mean this little twerp is my KING?  What kind of a f*&ked up State is this?” 

“I’m SO moving to New York.”

Even the typically boring stoic Bill is taken aback, when Amnesia Eric drops his fire poker to the ground, falls to his knees, and says, without a hint of irony or sarcasm in his voice, “Forgive me, my liege!”

“When did this show suddenly become Game of Thrones?” 

At some point during the credits, both Sookie and Amnesia Eric manage to put on some clothing.  (All together now: “BOOOOOOO!”)  Now, Bill has his Swat Team minions handcuff Eric (with SILVER, of course . . . BASTARD), and take him away.

Sookie, of course, starts whining and carrying on like it’s her job (BECAUSE, BASICALLY IT IS!), which normally annoys the heck out of me.  However, this time, I’m totally on her side, because she’s whining for a VERY Good Cause  . . . the Continuation of Seric Sex.  Her first argument is that, since Beeelll is not HER king, he can’t just go barging into her house, and taking her nearly seven-foot tall Viking Vampire Vibrator!  Then again, technically this is Amnesia Eric’s house now . . . so, YES, he can.

Sookie – 0; King Cockblock – 1

But Sookie gains back the lead, by seeing Bill’s holier-than-thou “Respect my AUTHORITAYYYY” “I’m really doing this for your own good” explanation for Eric’s arrest as exactly what it is: Jealous Ex-Boyfriend Bullcrap.

“Hey. why don’t you just go back to screwing your great great great great granddaughter and leave me alone!” 

First Bill argues that Eric is a danger to himself and other’s because he is under the influence of a necromancer . . . It may sound kinky.  But don’t let those big fancy words fool you.  He’s REALLY just talking about THIS chick  . . .

“Don’t you worry, Witchiepoo!  A little Visine will clear that RIGHT UP!”

Bill then COMPLETELY contradicts himself, by asserting, alternatively, that Eric is NOT under the influence of a necroblahblahblah Marnie, a.k.a. Witchiepoo, but is actually FAKING his Amnesia to get into Sookie’s pants! (Come on . . . admit it, this would be a BRILLIANT idea, if it were actually true.)

“Ooh!  Would you guys please remind me to try that one on Elena, next season?”

“Well, WHICH is it, Asshat?”  Inquiring Sookies want to know. . .

Sookehhhhh – 2; Beeeeeelll  – 1

 Sookie then blatantly calls Bill out on being jealous, and not being able to cope with the fact that she moved on, despite the fact that HE has been sticking his fangs into every single relative that comes his way.

Sookie – 5, Douchey – 1

“Believe it or not, my existence does not revolve around what or WHO is between your legs,” Bill retorts . . .

OK . . . now, even I have to admit . . . that was pretty darn funny . .

Sookie – 5, That vampire Stephen Moyer plays on True Blood – 2

SOOKIE: “So, you buy my house, and you think my legs are going to magically pop open for you?” (ANSWER- YES!)

ERIC: “Hi King Bill, my name is Eric Northman. I am both the WHAT and the WHO between Sookie’s legs. 

Sookie then pleads for Bill’s leniency, and refuses to leave without her Amnesia Eric.  This wasn’t exactly a witty retort.  However, Sookie gets a point for this, just because it shows how much she loves Amnesia Eric, which pleases my Seric-loving heart to no end.

Sookie -6, Grandkid f*&ker -2

But then, Bill takes Eric away ANYWAY, and instructs his minions to throw Sookie out as a trespasser, if she ever comes on his property again.

Uh oh . .  .

Sookie – 6, Bill (the CHEATER!) – 2072.

GAME OVER, SOOKIE . . . at least, FOR NOW . . .

Smells Like Death (Tastes Like Chicken)

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You know, for the last two weeks, I couldn’t even look at poor Face Off Pam, because she was so hideous looking, that she made me want to vomit.  But Near-Death, Face Off Pam is oddly adorable, with her peekaboo blanket, and Kewpie Doll Eyes.  Thanks Alan Ball, for letting me hang on to my dinner this week . . .

Eric is chilling in Ye Olde Jailhouse of Vampire Bill (where, at this rate, HALF the cast will be residing, by season’s end).  However, as it turns out, he’s not alone.  His progency, Face Off Pam is there too.

You know, seeing this, I couldn’t help but wonder how DUMB King Bill is, to think that it wouldn’t be the LEAST bit risky to put two allies, who are BOTH arguably under a necroblahblahblahs influence, in the same cell together.  I mean, that’s just ASKING for trouble, don’t you think?

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Pam thinks so too, which is why she quickly reveals herself as the stench of death that Amnesia Eric smells.  You can see a bit of Eric’s old “father-daughter” connection with Pam, when he compels her to remove her security blanket from her face.  He then, sadly, gently asks her whether she is afraid.

Perhaps, it is Eric’s indication that he still cares for Pam, that prompts her to try to get him to remember who he truly IS.  Hint:  He’s NOT someone who would EVER bow down to a self-loathing, power hungry, pompous dork, like Bill Compton.  (Her words.  . . not mine.)

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Unfortunately, for Pam, Amnesia Eric has decided (for now, at least) that he no longer wants to remember his old life, and that the eating, screwing and laughing Viking Vampire he used to be is no longer (unless he’s eating, screwing and laughing with SOOKIE, of course).

Denial Ain’t A River in Egypt (It’s a Stick up King Cockblock’s ASS)

Hello, my name is Nan Flanaghan.  My facial expression hasn’t changed in 1,000 years.  Who needs Botox, when you have Bloodbox?” 

When the alarm on Bill’s balls rings, he logs in to his daily Skype session with the woman who has those twins in a vice grip.  Desperately seeking a pat on the forehead or a doggie treat, Bill tells Nan that he has the necromaniboobla and Eric in his custody.

“Please tell me I’m a Good Boy, and validate my continued existence on this Earth.” 

Nan boredly asks what King Cockblock would like to do about this little “situation.”  In response, Bill (SURPRISE!) recommends that AmnesiaEric be given the True Death (AND NOT WITCHIEPOO?  Does that make sense to anyone else?) because ERIC is having hot glorious sex with Sookie under the witch’s power, and is, therefore a way better lover than BEEELL could ever be a “danger to himself and others.”  Nan agrees to “look” into it, and reminds Bill that he has a “tolerance meeting” coming up.  Riiiiight, because Mr. Kill Now, Ask Questions Later, is just the epitome of “tolerant.”

In Cockblock’s defense, he looks like he feels guilty about sentencing Eric to the True Death . . . for about two seconds . . . but then he gets over it, because, apparently guilt isn’t “Kingly”  Who knew?

Someone Buy Evil Baby a Cabbage Patch doll, or something . . . please?


Because that Ugly Ass Doll has just GOT to go!

When we last left Arlene and Terry, things were really heating up between them.  Unfortunately, I mean that literally . . .

The not-too-swift couple awakens to find their house bursting into flames.  Terry rushes to collect the other children and his pet Armadillo, while Arlene searches the house frantically for her suddenly FAVORITE son (even though she was deathly afraid of and hated him for the past four episodes).  The family rushes to the safety of the street, just about two seconds ,before the entire interior of the house literally goes up in smoke!

Arlene is now wailing hysterically, because she never found Evil Baby, and now he is probably Barbecue Baby.  But wait!  He’s OUTSIDE.  In fact, he’s been there since right before the fire started . . . almost as if SOMEONE came and got him out of there, personally.  Could it be the weird ghost lady seen waving at Evil Baby toward the end of the scene?  Quite possibly . . .

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But, hey, as long as the baby armadillo is OK, than I’m OK!

In other news, Andy Bellefleur thinks Sam is a slumlord, because people keep getting shot up, possessed, and burned up in the apartments he rents out.  I’m inclined to agree.  (Just don’t eat my face for it, Sam. Mmm-kay?)

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Speaking of Andy, being a V addict has apparently done WONDERS for his sex life!  Here’s Holly, who JUST HAD HER HOUSE, more or less, burnt to a crisp, and Andy STILL MANAGES to score a date with her!  How’s that for class?

“If he can lift that couch, imagine what he could do with me?” 

And, to think, SHE’S not even a relative of his . .  . PORTIA!

Tommy Merlotte – A New Kind of Cockblock . . .

There are SO many ways to misread this picture . . . 

They say you can never truly know a person, until you have walked a mile in his shoes.  Well, I would venture to guess that the same general concept applies to his skin.  It all starts when Sam calls Tommy  — who is still reeling from MURDERING BOTH OF HIS PARENTS and feeding them to the alligators along with some marshmallows . . .

He then asks his baby brother to open the bar on his behalf.  This results in Tommy Boy having what I like to refer to as a “Man in the Mirror” Moment.  That cliched scene, you see in many TV shows and films in which someone LITERALLY looks in the mirror, and DOESN’T like what they see.  But, fear not Fangbangers, this, otherwise dull Man-in-The-Mirror Moment comes with a bit of a twist


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That’s right, boys and girls!  We guessed correctly.  Having killed his Ma and Pa, Tommy is now, for better or worse, a skinwalker, and his first shift, is into SAM.

Kudos to Sam Trammell for pulling off “Tommy/Sam” with aplomb, this week If you didn’t always get such lame storylines, I’d probably like your character a lot more.  Though “Tommy/Sam” looks exactly like Sam, he is actually VERY different in that:

(1) he walks like he perpetually has a poop in his pants;

(2) he hits on the female bar patrons, like it’s his job;

(3) and . . . oh yeah . . . he is a TOTAL douchebag (Well . . . Sam is too sometimes, I guess, but Tommy/Sam is way worse.)

Tommy/Sam started off his day, by telling a tearful Sookie that, NO, she can’t take off YET ANOTHER day of work to go hunting for Sex Toy Eric Northman.  Why?  You ask?  Well, she pretty much ALWAYS takes off from work, and gets away with it . . .  because she  is Sookie.  And Sookie smells like “Sunshine in a pretty blonde bottle.”

“Don’t you at least want to sniff my butt before I go?”

The funny thing is that as AWFUL Tommy is to go behind Sam’s back and fire his favorite employee who he is secretly in love with, Tommy/Sam kind of had a point.  I mean, think about it, Sookie spent the entire Second Season in Dallas, and the entire THIRD Season in Mississippi.  Then she spent a YEAR hanging with the fairies.  Don’t you think her vacation time should be finished by now?

Though Sookie is certainly not doing it intentionally, I think Tommy is right in assuming that the blonde fairy princess takes advantage of Sam, by using his obvious attraction to her to get what she wants.

Other people Tommy/Sam manipulated this week include:

(1) Jessica, who he promoted from hostess to waitress (Well . . . that was kind of a nice thing to do, but still);

Tommy always did have a bit of a hard-on for her. 

(3) Maxine, who told him what she REALLY thought of Tommy Boy (Hint:  He’s dumber than a box of rocks, and not quite as kind); and

Hint: Not much . . . 

(4) Luna who .  . . well .  . .  he engaged in some VERY awkward sex with, only to VIOLENTLY kick her out of the house, the following morning, so she wouldn’t see him change from Tommy/Sam into just plain old Tommy.  (Now THAT was just wrong.)

You know, of all people, you would think that Luna, a skinwalker herself, would catch on to EXACTLY what Tommy /Sam was trying to do!  But, NOPE!  It was just a bit more mindless sex for her with the guy wearing Sam’s skin . . .

After the whole ordeal is over, Tommy shifts BACK into his own body, retching disgustingly in the sink, before he  falls to the ground, unconscious.  He’s still laying there like THAT, when Sam finally comes home to find him.  I’d say there’s a chance he might not wake up, but that would be REALLY naive of me.  We just aren’t that lucky.

Speaking of altered states . . .

It’s the Great Brujo, Charlie Brown . . .

“I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your creepy goat killer’s shack down . . .” 

Grandpa Goatlicker is pretty obviously still pissed at Jesus, for escaping his evil clutches at age seven or so.  So, to get revenge, he forces the poor twenty something and his boyfriend to wait in the bushes for their horse drawn carriage to come, and rescue them Cinderella-style spirit animal to meander on over, and request to be murdered “for a good cause.”

The whole exchange between Laffy and Jesus in the woods kind of reminds me of It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown children’s special . . .

Jesus is Linus, the staunch believer, even in the face of Laffy (Charlie Brown’s) sincerely doubting voice.  But just when you’ve started to write of Grandpa Ghostlicker as a sociopathic wackadoo, a poisonous snake arrives at Jesus’ feet, ripe and ready to croak.

And croak he does .  . . until Grandpa Goat Licker brings it back to life, and instructs it to issue a deadly poisonous bite to his own grandson.

I’m not entirely sure how Grandpa GoatLicker knows this.  However, he somehow seems to sense that Laffy is a  gateway to the dead.  (DAMMIT!  Are there NO humans left on this show?)  So, not long after Jesus starts to lose consciousness, Laffy starts speaking in Spanish, and harnessing the power of an old dead relative of Jesus’ to bring him back to life.

Interesting . . .

Of course, as we know, Laffy isn’t the only witch with the power to get possessed by dead people (which, when you think about it, is actually a pretty lame “magical power.”)  Witchiepoo’s got “the gift” as well . . .

Witchiepoo . . . I SEE YOU!

“You know, before I got this part, I auditioned for the role of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?  Wanna see?  Hiiiiiyaaah!” 

So, we’ve got Witchiepoo all sad and locked up in her little Beel-created prison.  She’s crying to her inner witch goddess to help her out ONCE AGAIN.  (Geez!  Talk about a NAG!)  So, we are treated to a few more of those truly disturbing flashbacks in which INNER witch is raped and tortured by vampires, and Witchiepoo is forced to watch.

That’s when it happens.  Witchiepoo slits her wrist, asks INNER witch to USE HER to accomplish her goals.  And POOOF!   INTO Witchiepoo’s mouth Inner Witch goes!

OPEN WIDE, Witchiepoo!  Here comes the choo-choo train!

We learn from the flashbacks that INNER witch and her coven were able to control a whole slew of raping and torturing vampires, causing them to SEEMINGLY willingly walk into the sun and burn to death, while the public watched in horror.  Now, I suspect, the same thing is going to happen to Mr. Clean the Vampire Sheriff .  . .


Admittedly, Mr. Clean was not so MISTER CLEAN, back when he gleefully raped and repeatedly bit Inner Witch a long time ago.  And NOW, it looks like Mr. Clean is about to become Mr. Definitely Dead, when he dazedly enters the lions den of the newly-possessed Witchiepoo’s cage and falls to his knees with a petrified, but dazed, look on his face.

Witchiepoo stares down at Mr. Clean with a haughty look on her face, “Ya little f*&k,” she calls him.

Little f*&k, indeed . . .

Nice knowing ya, Mr. Clean . . . (Well . . . not really nice, but whatever . . .)

Night of the Living Werepanther?

“Why do I always seem to wind up like THIS?” 

Poor Jason Stackhouse!  Kidnapped raped, and defiled by crazy inbred werepanthers, left to die on the side of the road, and forced to endure strange sex dreams about his best friend’s girlfriend AND his best friend . . .

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No wonder he’s hiding out in his room, chained to a bedpost . . . wait . . . huh?

Well, it’s taken a few episodes, but Sookie finally seems to remember that she has a brother, and that he hasn’t been around, recently . . .

So,  off she rushes to Jason’s bedside, where she finds him cuffed to the bed.  Of course, her first inquiry is, “Is this a SEX thing?”

Which it isn’t . . .  for once.

In fact, this is a decidedly NON-Sex thing.  Jason has merely decided to take certain precautions, just in case his inner inbred werepanther should decide to make an appearance, due to the Full Moon.  He’d prefer not to eat his friends and family, thank you very much.  “I ain’t never going to forgive myself, if I bite your head off,” offers Jason sweetly.  (Now, that’s BROTHERLY LOVE!)

“But once you turned, wouldn’t the cuffs just fall off?”  Sookie wonders, quite rationally.

Oops . . . it looks like someone is going to have to re-read Werepanthers for Dummies again . . .

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Eventually, Sookie uncuffs Jason and convinces him to go ouside and share a beer with her.  You know, with all the craziness going on in this show, it’s been a while since we’ve been treated to a quiet brother / sister moment.  We get a nice one here, when Jason asks Sookie to shoot him in the head, if he starts sprouting fur.  (I’M SERIOUS!  It was a sweet moment, OK!)

“Uh-uh!”  Sookie says.  “That was not part of the deal.”

“But you PROMMISSSSED!”  Jason whines, in his best petulant five-year old voice.

“I said I’d take care of you.”

“What did you think I meant by that, change my kitty litter?”  Jason exclaims . . .

“Please, don’t let Sookie change my kitty litter!  She’ll go off and have sex with Eric, and forget to do it.” 

Sookie, who knows full well, what it’s like to be a supernatural freak, tells Jason that he can’t run from who is, and that he should embrace his inner werepanther, if that’s what he ends up being.    Girlfriend’s like a Supernatural Dr. PHIL!

Eventually, Sookie leaves the porch to go get another beer.  But when she returns, Jason is GONE!

But don’t you worry about Jason, kiddies!  He’s in good hands . . . specifically, the hands of the women who fed him his blood, and can now FEEL HIS FEELINGS . . .

Yes, I suspect she can feel THOSE feelings too! 

Jessica is working at Merlotte’s, when she FEELS Jason . . . um, well, she feels HIS FEAR I should say we’ll save the more fun stuff for later!, and decides to go outside, and comfort him . . .

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When Jason admits to Jessica that this might be the night of his first werepanther turning, the baby vampire, remembering HER first night turning into a supernatural creature, decides to spend the night with him, so that he doesn’t have to endure his transformation alone.  *insert porn music here*

So, of COURSE, you all know what MY TVD brain was thinking about, don’t you?

That’s right, boys and girls!  Here, we have yet another reason why Caroline Forbes and Baby Vamp Jessica are kindred spirits, who, unfortunately, may never meet except in the context my fanfiction, of course . . .

I have to say, I adored the sweetness and innocence of the way Jason and Jessica related to one another.  As Jason said, he’s not exactly someone known for his IMPULSE control . . .

And the fact that Jason chooses Jessica’s boobs as his “happy place,” while she comforts him through his panic attack, certainly does not bode well for his ability to remain loyal to his best friend for the long haul.  But for now, Jason and Jessica are simply two individuals, who are chastely trying to put aside their romantic feelings for one another, in order to protect the heart of someone they both care about VERY deeply . . .

Well . . . maybe not THAT deeply. 

Given what he has been through, and their innate connection, Jessica finds herself able to relate and confide in Jason, in ways she can’t with Hoyt, who always seems so squeamish about the whole Vampire Thing.  “It’s exciting,” admits Jessica of her newly vampire status, a dreamy look in her eyes.  “I am fast, and strong.   I can smell and taste things that I never smelled and tasted before.  My world used to be small.  But now it is endless.”

Together Jessica and Sookie have been so very good at selling Jason on this whole Supernatural thing, that by the time the end of the night comes, he’s actually disappointed that he DIDN’T change into a werepanther.  “Why did Sookie get all the special?”  He pouts adorably.

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“How could YOU not think you are special?”  Jessica wonders out loud.  “You have the virility of a wild animal, and the body of an Adonis.  I would very much like to f*&k you right now for hours and hours on end.” 

Well, how could Jason not be turned on by an admission like that?   Sitting close to one another, in the moonlight, limbs touching, faces inches a part, there comes the inevitable moment in which Jason and Jessica almost kiss.  But it’s Jason, Mr. No Impulse Control, himself who breaks the spell, all for the love of a good man named Hoyt.

The two fumble their goodbyes, giving eachother friendly shoulder pounds, and vowing not to tell their friend about THIS.

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But, honestly, when people this attractive are mutually attracted to one another, it’s really only a matter of time before the BONING starts . . .

Sorry, Hoyt!  Sometimes the truth hurts . . . 

We come now to two stories, I honestly don’t care all that much about . . .

Meet Tara Thornton and Packmaster Marcus . . . again . . .zzzzzzzzz . . . OMG SERIC SEX, YESSSSS!

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There’s nothing like a heaping helping of Hot Hate Sex to really start an evening out right . . .

Last week, Tara’s new girlfriend discovered that Tara’s name is not Toni, and that she doesn’t hail from Georgia.  So, Guest Star travels down to Bon Temps all the way from New Orleans, to give her a piece of her mind.  Except .  . . she ends up giving her a piece of . . . um . . . well . . .  something else.

In between screw and necking sessions, Tara gives her girlfriend the full Bon Temps tour, complete with a trip to Merlotte’s and .  . . the parking lot at Merlotte’s.  Tara’s girl seems surprisingly OK with the whole “the woman you love has been lying to you about EVERYTHING for six-months thing.”  So, I guess the sex must be REALLY good.  However, before the “Happy Couple” can broach the issue of whether Tara will return to New Orleans, Faceoff Pam materializes.  And she . . . is . . . PISSED!

Be afraid Special Guest Star!  Be VERY afraid! 

Blah, blah, blah, Debbie needs a new were-pack to stay sober in Bon Temps  . . .

 Debbie Downer and Packmaster Greasypoo

blah, blah, blah Alcide is whipped, and decides to attend the new pack meeting, against his better judgment . . .

 Your storyline may be SUPER boring this season, Alcide.  But you still look DAMN sexy, when you are angry!

On the way to their pack meeting, Debbie Downer and Alicide run into a Gun-Toting, One-Woman Search Party for Jason, Sookie, who pisses them off, (but mostly just Debbie Downer) by comparing them to those slimy rape-loving werepanthers.

“Hey, if the fur fits . . .” 

To Sookie’s relief, Alcide informs her that, NO, to his knowledge a human cannot get turned into a werepanther, simply by being bitten.  Thrilled, Sookie dashes back through the forest, as a hungry-eyed Alcide watches her, undoubtedly wishing that the two of hem could engage in SHOOTING of an entirely different sort.  Debbie notices the bedroom eyes on her boyfriend, and is CLEARLY not amused . . .

“I’ll get you my HUNKY . . . and your little FAIRY too!”

Still screaming her lungs out in her trademark nails on chalkboard voice for Jason,  Sookie encounters another man in the forest . . .

“I’m baacccck!” 

BUT WAIT!  HOW DID MY LOVERBOY REMOVE HIMSELF FROM THE CLUTCHES OF EVIL BILL?  Let’s backtrack a moment . . .

“I was born the night she found me.”

Back at King Cockblock’s Castle, Beeel’s goons bring out a very-docile Amnesia Eric, who is ready and accepting of the King’s decision to give him the true death.  “From what I’ve been told, I was a barbarian thug, who never respected your authority . . . He is a stranger to me.  I have nothing to say in his defense.”

Once again, Bill is taken back by Amnesia Eric’s calm acceptance of what is about to happen to him.  So, taken aback, in fact, that he allows Amnesia Eric to make two last requests. (1) “Release Pam, at the rate she is decomposing, she can no longer be any threat to you.” AND . . . here’s the big one.

(2) “Tell Sookie I was born the night that she found me, and because of her, I went to the True Death, knowing what it means to love.”

All together now, AWWWW!

Bill of course, is nauseated by this oddly sentimental showing of affection for his ex, by his sworn enemy, at least until Eric bangs him on the head with this . . . “[Sookie] still cares for you.  After I am gone, I hope you two will find your way back to eachother . . . because she deserves happiness from whoever can give it to her.”

Well, that did it . .  . cue the water works!  The last thing we see, is a very mopey-faced Bill preparing to bring his fancy schmancy stake down on Amnesia Eric’s head.

But THEN we cut to THIS . . .

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WOOHOO!  YIPPPEEE!  YEEHAW!

Well, well, well . . . look who went and grew a soul!

I never thought I’d say this, but THANK YOU BILL!  Thank you for giving us Fangbangers the gift of Seric Sex!  Feel free to go lay as many ancestors as you’d like now!  I promise I won’t judge . . . much.

See you next week, Fangbangers!

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KISS ME, You Viking Vamp! – A Recap of True Blood’s “I Hate You, I Love You” (a.k.a. “Me and the Devil”)

“DUDE!  Just start crying, and act like I scared you.  Trust me, it is TOTALLY going to get you laid!” 

 Howdy, Fangbangers!   The moment in the series that you’ve waited four seasons to see has finally arrived (THE SHOWER SCENE?).  It is the moment when Sookie begins to see Eric as more than just a super sexy stallion with fabulous abs, and the ability to give her mindblowing sex for six hours straight dangerous manipulative vampire who, ultimately, can’t be trusted.  Throughout the episode, we watch Sookie grow closer to Amnesia Eric (IN THE SHOWER????).   She finds herself instinctively wanting to protect him (FROM WATER THAT IS TOO HOT?), hold him tight (UP AGAINST THE WALL OF THE SHOWER?), and comfort him (BY RUBBING HIS MAN PARTS WITH SOAPY WATER?).  The “L” word is even tossed out once during the hour (LOTS OF SOAPY WATER?)

Unfortunately, this wasn’t the week for The Shower Scene . . .

But at the rate things are moving between these two, that can’t be too far away . . .  Oh, and some other stuff happened this week too.  So, I guess I’ll talk about that, as well . . .

Well . . at least we won’t have to worry about seeing Joe Lee in his underwear anymore!


R.I.P. Creepy Crotch Man and Mrs. Creepy Crotch!  We barely knew you (but we hated you, anyway)!

When we last left Tommy Boy, the REALLY ANNOYING poor kid was on his hands and knees with a chain around his neck.  (It may sound kinky, but it was actually pretty awful.)

Apparently, Ma and Pa Creepy Crotch were low on funds, and needed their Meal Ticket son to start dog fighting for them again.  But the Creepy Crotches made one fatal mistake:  NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A HORMONAL TEENAGE BOY WHO CAN TURN INTO A PITBULL, AT WILL!

“Just because I’m not old enough to vote, doesn’t mean I can’t chew your face like a doggy biscuit.”

Soon enough, Tommy gets the upper hand in this fight.  Within minutes, he has somehow managed to remove the chains from his neck, and put them around JOE LEE!  Now, I must say, while I’m happy with the ultimate outcome (Those Creepy Crotches HAD TO GO!), I am a little disappointed with this so-called “Big Epic Fight Scene.”  I mean . . . think about it . .  .here we have THREE SHAPESHIFTERS at battle with one another.  So, already the ten-year old in my head is coming up with all sorts of potential animal matchups . . . like a game of Shifter Rock, Paper, Scissor.  (Now, if Tommy becomes a Bear . . . and  Joe Lee a Tiger . . . and Mama Mickens a Lion, who will win?)

(The BEAR . . . obviously!) 

But I guess Alan Ball and Co. decided not to do that, since it would make Tommy’s ultimate murder of his parents (He whacked them both on the head with a metal pipe, in a clear gesture of self-defense), less “poignant” and “meaningful.”  Whatever . . . I just really wanted to see a Boxing Bear!

Of course, as we know, when it comes to Tommy, when the going gets tough, the tough whine to Sam.  So, off drives our anti-hero (with his dead parental units rotting away in the back seat of a stolen truck) to Sam’s house.  As douchey as Sam can be sometimes, he looks way better with his shirt off than Joe Lee he truly loves his brother, and can’t bear to see him waste away in jail, especially for doing something that, in all honesty, will probably make the world a better place with less ugly naked people in it.  So, when Tommy barges into Sam’s bedroom crying about the “little accident” he had, Sam vows to help him cover up his crimes . . .

“I have something important to ask you, Tommy.  So, please, be honest.  I look better without my shirt on than Joe Lee looks, right?  RIGHT?” 

Sam’s and Tommy’s Escape Plan hits a bit of a road block, when Sam’s truck gets pulled over by Sheriff V Addict, Andy Bellefleur . . .

Tommy contemplates turning himself in to Andy.  However, surprisingly enough, it’s Closet Bad Ass Sam’s idea that he hide in the trunk with his parents’ corpses instead.  (Talk about a Parent – Child Bonding Moment).  Despite Sam’s vigorous protests, Andy seems insistent on searching Sam’s trunk (probably because he thinks there might be V in there).  However, when Andy opens the door to search, he is greeted by . . . a crocodile . . . or is it an alligator . . . I can never tell the difference.

Andy understandably freaks out.  And after Sam makes some lame excuse about wanting to “return the animal to the wild,”  Sheriff V-Addict is more than happy to go back to his car and do some more drugs.  Once again, I was a tad disappointed by the “Shifter Choice” here.   I would have REALLY liked to see Tommy turn into a PIG, if only so that I could hear Andy scream THIS again . . .

Interestingly enough, Sam’s lie about returning the alligator to the wild, has some truth to it, since a nearby lake is precisely where the brothers bury Ma and Pa Creepy Crotch’s bodies.  When they don’t sink right away, Sam tosses a handful of marshmallows in the water near the bodies, because, apparently, crocs/ alligators like marshmallows.  (So much, for Ma and Pa Creepy Crotch coming back as vampires in Season 5.  Zombies, maybe?)  This is great, since now I know what to buy my pet Crocodile for a snack.  Thanks True Blood!

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Tommy is kind of turned on impressed by how good Sam is at covering up murders.  So, by way of explanation, Sam clues Tommy in on his OWN double homicide of Lexi and Elijah from The Vampire Diaries his con artist ex girlfriend and her slimeball boyfriend.

Is it a bad sign, that I actually think this is the sexiest picture of Sam Trammell I have in my arsenal?  Oddly enough, when he’s NOT bat shit crazy and shooting people, he just doesn’t “do it” for me . . .

There’s nothing like swapping murder stories, and burying corpses, when it comes to bonding brothers together.  I suspect that this is the beginning of a beautiful BROMANCE  . . .

Well, at least until Tommy inevitably turns into a Skinwalker, as a result of killing his parents  . . .

So . .  . yeah . . . for the past two seasons, I’ve found the Sam and Tommy storyline INCREDIBLY lame.  However, as I’ve mentioned in other recaps, I think the Skinwalker concept has the potential to be VERY COOL, if done correctly.  And, while I would rather, SAM have the power than Tommy, I suspect the latter will find more “creative” uses for it than Sam ever could .  . .

That will teach you to have sex in front of your Evil Baby . . .

“Man . . .  PTSD . . . Serial Killers . . . Maenad Possession . . . Evil Babies.  Life was so much easier when I was on Gilmore Girls and dating that Lane chick . . .”

Is it just me, or did Arlene seem to handle the “Message from the Great Beyond” on her living room wall WAY better than she handled Evil Baby pulling the heads off the Barbie dolls or giving her Pink Eye . . .


“Clearly, Mommy appreciates my mad artistic skills!”

In fact, Arlene actually seemed a bit relieved that (1) her husband no longer thinks she’s a TOTAL nutbar; and (2) since the message referred to the “Baby” in the third person, said Baby probably didn’t write the message.  Awwww, Silly Arlene!  Hasn’t she ever met those annoying people who always refer to themselves BY NAME when they talk?  Can’t Evil Baby be one of them?

No matter.  Suddenly, Arlene is clutching her Devil Spawn to her chest, and telling Terry that the Big Bad Scary Ghost Graffitti artist better not harm her sweet child, or she will just scream a it REALLY LOUD, using that grating voice of hers . .  .

Interestingly enough, it’s actually Terry who’s idea it is to hire the Local Exorcists to come and chase the Evil away . . .  Said Local Exorcists end up being none other than Tara’s Terrible Mama, Skunk Head Lettie Mae . . .

Did an animal die on your head, or is your Ugly Ass Wig just really happy to see me?

 . . . and the Reverend she started boning last season . . .


As far as Demon Hunters go, Lettie and the Rev are pretty underwhelming.  Apparently, their idea of exorcising demons is singing folk songs and throwing salt around the house.  That’s all?  I wanted screaming, and chanting, and funny dances around the room!  Honestly, Terry and Arlene should have hired Marnie and the witches, or that (now dead) pharmacy worker who took $800 dollars from Tara to “cure her and her mom’s” EVILNESS.  At least THOSE GUYS would have put on a show!

I think my favorite part of the scene was when Arlene inappropriately told Lettie Mae how grateful she was that “you people” could do something like this for her.  (Because, apparently it isn’t a True Blood episode, if Arlene isn’t saying something RACIST.)  Seeing Lettie Mae’s furious response to her inquiry, Arlene quickly tried to cover up, by claiming she was merely referring to them being “very black religious.”  However, Lettie Mae was not fooled, and probably left one or two demons in Arlene’s house, just out of spite . . .

This, of course, brings me to later that night, when Arlene and Terry are SO HAPPY that their house is “free of demons” that they decide to SCREW IN BED, with their Evil Baby taking notes “sleeping” just a few inches away . . .

“What can I say, I’m an exhibitionist!” 

Arlene and Terry just seem SO THRILLED and relieved about their new demon-free home, that you just KNOW Evil Baby is going to do something to piss on their parade.  And PISS, he does . . .

Nope, that’s not the “Passion of Your Love” you smell burning, folks.  It’s your roof . . . 

The Ancestor F*&ker Strikes Again . . .

Bill must be better in the sack than I thought, if his great, great, great, great granddaughter is STILL willing to screw his brains out, despite it being TOTALLY NAUSEATING that they did it in the first place.  I have to say, it smells SUPER a smidge desperate, not to mention sad, when Portia barges into La Casa de Bill and, using her admittedly admirable legal research skills, begins providing Bill with an ORAL (no pun intended) report in support of incest.  (Honey, what you are doing may not be illegal, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t REALLY, REALLY gross!)

Unable to get his “grandchild” to listen to reason, Bill resorts to compulsion, glamouring  Portia, not only to NOT be sexually attracted to him, but to be so repulsed by the New King of Louisiana that the mere sight of him makes her want to scream . . .

And SCREAM Portia does, as she dashes from the house like a Bat Out of Grandpa F*&ker Hell . . .

“Was it something I said?” 

Speaking of victims of unwanted sexual advances by inbreds . . .

Good Gravy, HOYT!

Best . . . GIF . . . EVER! 

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When we last left Jason, he had successfully escaped Crystal and those inbred freaks from Hotshot, and was being rescued, by his best pal, and his best pal’s modelesque vampire girlfriend, who fed him blood to heal his wounds.  The pair drove him back to his house, where Jessica, who’s surprisingly maternal, I might add, gently deposited our Sexy Shirtless Martyr onto a bed that thankfully did not include handcuffs, ceremonial face mud, or 14-year old girls wanting to get de-flowered . . .

Hoyt is so proud of his girlfriend for her Mad Healing Skills, that  he is literally holding on to his heart.  Mr. “I Don’t Need That Sh*t” has finally come to appreciate the wonders of drinking vampire blood.  And, to celebrate, he would like very much to get laid . . .

Unfortunately, Jess’s crushing guilt over glamouring Hoyt to forget her recent infidelities has put a major damper on her sex buzz.

Sorry Hoyt! 

Hoyt senses Jess’s discomfort and wonders whether she killed another trucker.  Oddly enough, Hoyt’s guess is not that far from the truth, since Jess’s Trucker Murder started out being kind of sexual too!  Hoyt is just confused as to who drank who’s blood is all!  When Jess offers to take Hoyt home with her, he pouts, and opts to stay at Jason’s.  (Perhaps, he thinks he will have a better chance getting laid by Ghost Daddy, than by his own girlfriend.)

The next day at Merlottes, Jason fills Hoyt in on the horror that is a Werepanther Gang Bang . . .

Unfortunately for Jason, Hoyt’s been so hard up for sex lately that it doesn’t sound all that bad to him!  As a result, Jason doesn’t quite get the sympathy he is seeking.  He does, however, experience an epiphany of sorts, something akin to his religious conversion of Season 2, only MUCH FUNNIER!  Jason recognizes something we’ve known about him all along Alan Ballthe Lord is punishing him for HAVING SO MUCH SEX.

Remember Jason’s priapism . . . his addiction to V . . . that time when all his girlfriends kept getting killed, and the town thought he was a serial killer?  Every bad thing that ever happened to Jason in True Blood history could really be traced back to one thing SEX ADDICTION . . .

You may be addicted to sex, Jason Stackhouse.  But WE are addicted to WATCHING YOU HAVE IT! 

My favorite part of the scene had to be when Jason impersonated the Lord himself, who is clearly smiting him, for being such a slut:  “Jason Stackhouse, you have f*&ked too many hot women . . . see how you like it now,” mimicked Jason, in his best God Voice.  Oh, also, Jason, apparently calls Hoyt “Bubba.”  How adorable is that?

Speaking of Bubba TOTALLY kept interrupting Jason’s “Sex is Bad” story to complain about the “distance between him and Jess.”  HELLO!  Hoyt!  Gangbanging Torture versus Little Lovers Quarrel?  NO CONTEST!

There’s a Full Moon out in Bon Temps tonight, so we know that Jason is headed for some Big Trouble.  But, for now, the Lord takes pity on Jason, and gives him a V-induced sex dream .  . .

 HEY!  Where did your Gang Bang Scars GO, Ghost Daddy?  This MUST be a dream!

My FAVORITE sex dreams of ALL TIME are the ones where you know that you are dreaming, and, therefore, have free reign to make things as AWESOME as you want them to be.  They happen rarely, but when they do happen, they ROCK!  Jason gets to have one of those dreams, this week.  And Dream Jess starts riding him, like he’s a mechanical bull at a Honky Tonk bar . . . but not before admitting to him that he is, in fact, dreaming.  This way, he doesn’t have to feel like he’s screwing over his best friend.  EVERYBODY WINS!

Ride em’ Cowgirl! 

But then Dream Jess starts talking about what sex positions Hoyt prefers DURING the act.  And I don’t care how hot you are, that’s a SERIOUS SEX NO, NO!  What’s worse, Dream Jess starts SHOUTING OUT HOYT’S NAME while she “O’s.”  And THAT’S when things start getting REALLY weird . . .

“Oh HOYT!” 

Good Gravy, INDEED!  Poor Jason!  He can’t even have an innocent sex dream without being punished by the Man Upstairs for doing so.  Then again, who knows?  Maybe he LIKES having sex with Hoyt . . .

Free Agency – It’s Not Just for Athletes Anymore

We had this one seemingly completely random Alcide scene this week, in which some strange long-haired guy comes to his house in the middle of the night (Hey Alcide!  What’s with the tank top?  Why the hell don’t you sleep shirtless?  What’s the matter? You don’t love us anymore?), claiming to be the Werewolf Packmaster of Shreveport.  Packmaster Marcus is, apparently, very intent on Alcide joining his little wolf club.  But Alcide assures “Marcus” that he’s a LONE WOLF / FREE AGENT, and has no interest in running in this greasy-haired guy’s pack.

YOU GO ALCIDE!  I can almost forgive you for keeping your shirt on . . . almost.

Ahhh . . . much better! 

Book readers will agree that Alcide’s “lone wolf” status is a fairly significant departure from the series.  And I can’t help but wonder how it will affect future storylines.

As for Marcus, those of you who saw the promos for later episodes in the season, will undoubtedly recognize him as Luna’s CRAZY EX BOYFRIEND.  So, it seems that Alcide’s storyline will probably cross path’s with Sam’s at some point, for better or worse . . .

Over the River and Through the Woods, to Grandpa Goat Killer’s House, We GO!

After Marnie made Pam’s face fall off last week, my Laffy Taffy, Lala, had some choice words to say to her.  “Hooker, you pissed off another vampire, and then took a nap!”  He exclaims, when Witchiepoo (as Laffy calls her . . . and I will now call her, for the rest of her time on the show), wakes up wondering what went down . . .

“I have a killer headache.  Being possessed is EXHAUSTING!” 

When Witchiepoo explains that she had been possessed by someone who was “trying to protect them,”  Lala thinks she’s full of crap, and leads Laffy and Tara out of the forest, and away from the Crazy!

“Don’t leave now!  The party is just getting started.  I brought TWISTER!” 

Jesus somehow gets in his head the brilliant (read “ridiculous”) idea that his old mean grandpa in New Orleans can help them defeat the vampires.  Jesus believes this to be true, because when he was a little kid, his grandfather made him stab his pet goat and lick the knife.

Ummm . . . OK? 

The sex with Jesus must be really good, because Lala actually AGREES to go on this little roadtrip with his boyfriend to visit this Old Fart Animal Abuser.  When they arrive, Old Fart claims that he was expecting them.  Sure you were Grandpa . . . sure you were . . .

And now, for the juicy stuff . . .

“I Dream of Sookie”

“And I dream of Amnesia Eric!” 

Peeping Toms are generally creepy . . . unless they look like Alexander Skarsgar, in which case, they are AWESOME!

We watch Amnesia Eric ogling Sookie’s sleeping form for a few moments, until Godric (He Never REALLY dies, does he?) appears out of nowhere, and starts stroking our Viking Vamp in an extremely homoerotic fashion . . .

“Awww!  Amnesia Eric, you are SO CUTE!  I just want to pinch your little cheeks!” 

In distinctly un-Godric-like fashion,  Yoda Vamp instructs Eric that his true nature leaves him incapable of love.  Amnesia Eric argues that Sookie can redeem him.  Yoda Vamp says, “NAHHHH!”  So, really, as far as he is concerned, Amnesia Eric just just embrace his true nature, and Eat Sookie . . .

SUCKY , SUCKY! 

And walk into the sunlight with Godric . . .

The image of himself making Sookie scream (just wait until the SHOWER SCENE) upsets Eric so much that he wakes up with a start . . .

That’s it!  No more Fairy drinking before bedtime!

A horny  scared Amnesia Eric rushes into Sookie’s bed, in desperate need of cuddles from his Very Bad Dream  . . .

“I just want to be close to you, Sookie!  That’s why I’m going to rub my head on your “flower.” 

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A completely guileless Amnesia Eric explains his dream to Sookie.  And she, in turn, tells Eric what a nice DUDE Godric was.  And how, in real life, he’d be TOTALLY cool with this Eric’s new discovery of his “sensitive side.”  Wearing her little cupid shirt, Sookie strokes Eric’s hair like a mom comforting a little kid, but the hungry way she’s looking at him, tells another story, entirely.

Amnesia Eric seems particularly perturbed this week by what a Sex on a Stick  complete asshat he was capable of being, during his “Old Life.”  He wants to know if he used to be evil.  And Sookie kindly explains that, while he certainly wasn’t Ghandi, he wasn’t the Maenad, either.

“Silly Amnesia Eric . . . Ghandi could never those abs!   (Wait a minute, wouldn’t AMNESIA make him forget who Ghandi was?)

This prompts Amnesia Eric to inquire as to whether he can spend the rest of he evening in Sookie’s bed.

AWWWW YEAH!

Clearly, wanting a little more Viking in her, Sookie agrees, provided that Amnesia Boy keep his hands and his fangs to himself.  “I would never hurt anything as beautiul as you,” whispers Eric, as he cleverly pulls Sookie in for a tight affectionate spooning session.  (So much, for keeping his hands to himself!)

 

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“Hey Sookie, squeeze my nipples!”  Firm, aren’t they?  Before I got amnesia, I used to work out!”

“When my Grams tells me to run, I RUN!  (She DIDN’T.  And look what happened to her!)

Wanting to get to the bottom of this Amnesia Eric Thing once and for all (though, to be honest, I can’t imagine why . . . not with all the great sex she’s about to have), Sookie mindreads Witchy Waitress Holly to find out where Marnie, a.k.a. the Witch Who Made Eric Adorable and Pam . . . Not So Much keeps her shop.  At first, Marnie is hesitant of helping Sookie.  But, for whatever reason, when the Fairy Waitress explains that her favorite shows growing up were Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Charmed she decides to oblige . . .

What about BUFFY, Sookie?  You mean, you weren’t a Vampire Slayer fan? 

I actually really enjoy when Sookie puts on her “sweet country girl” act, in order to do investigative work.  For one thing, it tends to make her voice and accent A LOT less shrill.  For another, this was something that Book Sookie used to do all the time.  So, it’s nice to see that aspect of the stories played out so well, by Anna P . . .

At first, it seems pretty obvious that, without her Moon Goddess Possessor, Marnie is nothing more than fraudulent, no-talent hack.  She starts grasping at straws with Sookie, as most mind readers are wont to do.  But, of course, Sookie’s Fiesty Dead Nana sees an opportunity, and decides to take it . . .

“I’m BAAACK!” 

Grams proceed to give Sookie three important pieces of advice.  Two I liked VERY MUCH.  One . . . I didn’t AT ALL!  Let’s see if you can guess, which one . . . Granny says:

(1)  Watch out for your brother he’s on the run from some Inbred Sex Fiends, and at serious risk for sprouting hair in some VERY unattractive places . . .

“Save me, Sookie . . . from my overused weiner, and from myself!”

2) Don’t give your heart to Vampire Eric.  His amnesia is only temporary .  . .

And, finally . . .

(3) RUN FROM THAT CRAZY B*TCH, MARNIE!

And run is exactly what Sookie decides to do, right out that door and into Amnesia Eric’s pants.

Now, for the part you’ve all been waiting for . . .

Nothing Like the Taste of Vampire Tongue in the Evening . . .

Back at Sookie’s house, her and Tara share a little bonding sesh, in which Tara finally admits to being a Cage Fighting Lezzy, who’s girlfriend just found out that she lied about her name, when she received her Social Security checks.

(OK.  . . explain this to me.  Why is Tara getting Social Security checks, again?  If it’s due to her age, she sure looks great for sixty-something!)

Shrink Sookie comforts Tara, just as she did with Amnesia Eric a few hours earlier.  (WOAH!  What’s with Sookie being all nice, wise, and advice-giving, all of the sudden.  It’s weird . . . Maybe she has amnesia too!)

Sorry, honey!  I just tell it like it is . . . 

Sookie instructs Tara to fight to win back her girlfriend, and to always be honest.  But Tara doesn’t exactly take to these Hallmark card statements.  She cleverly wonders whether Sookie could ever forgive Bill for lying to her.   (NO WAY!  HELL NO!  DON’T DO IT, SOOKIE!  Not when you have a REAL MAN around the house . . .)  Of course, Sookie pragmatically sidesteps the question.  But, when she realizes that it’s almost vampire wakeup time, she quickly and rudely kicks Tara out so that she can get down to having Shower Sex with Amnesia Eric.

Unfortunately for Sookie, however, this wakeup call came too late . . .

“Hey Tara, would you mind berating me, for a little while, I’m REALLY trying to close the deal with Sookie.  And she seems to really dig my weepy vulnerable side . . .  Just don’t make fun of my hair, OK?”

Oh, Tara!  I was actually starting to LIKE you, this season.  But I should have known that you’d be back to your self-righteous b*tchy self, before long.  When Eric emerges, Tara holds a gun at him.  And he bares his fangs at her.  (BITE HER, ERIC!  BITE HER!  SUCK HER DRY!)  Despie having become quite the pathological liar herself, of late, Tara is FURIOUS with Sookie for laying all this B.S. on her about honesty, while she was secretly harboring a Viking Vampire in her pants bed.

Tara then proceeds to helpfully recap EVERY SINGLE BAD THING Eric ever did on the show, since Episode 1 (undoubtedly saving many new fans from having to buy the DVD, in the process).  Meanwhile, Eric looks on shocked and horrified.  And Sookie just wants her friend to shut the heck up.  Finally, Tara leaves . . .

And it’s time for my FAVORITE Seric moment of the evening.

With Tara finally gone, a tearful Amnesia Eric wonders whether everything she said about him is true.

Sookie, of course, can’t deny it.  So, instead, she tries to bolster Amnesia Eric’s shaken confidence by telling him what a big weiner he has.  How capable of decency and genuine change he his, and how kind.  She also tells him that she likes him . . . just the way he is, which, of course, reminds me of a SIMILARLY AWESOME scene on ANOTHER vampire show . . .

The parallels between Sookie and Eric’s first “Sookie-initiated” kiss, and Damon and Elena’s first “Elena-initiated” one, are actually quite striking.  And if I didn’t only have one hour left to finish this recap, I’m sure I would bore you to tears with them.  So, be thankful I’m in a bit o a rush.

Anywhoo . . . unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) Sookie’s incessant complimenting of Eric DOESN’T make him feel better at all.  Or, perhaps it does, but he instinctively knows, if he plays his cards right, he can get MUCH more.  So, a dejected Eric trudges out into the darkness alone.  “There is a light in you that is so beautiful, I couldn’t bare it if I snuffed it out,” he says solemnly, as he’s leaving.  All together now:  AWWWW!

“Oh, come on, Sookie!  You’re not REALLY going to let me leave, after a line like that . . . are you?” 

So, out of the house runs Sookie, doing her best Fairy Godmother impersonation . . .

“Get in my panties, you Big Burly Hunk of Man Meat!”

Eric rushes into Sookie’s arms, and they share a sweet innocent embrace, that gradually loses its innocence . . .

Once those two started embracing like that, I had a feeling SOMETHING was going to happen.  But I figured it would have to be Eric who initiated it.  What ACTUALLY happened was MUCH better . . .

“Mmmm .  . . your ear smells good.  Let me taste it.” 

“Mmmm delicious . . . I wonder if your tongue tastes the same way . . .”

You know, a few book fans expressed some annoyance here about the Seric coupling storyline moving too slow, or at least, significantly slower than it did in the book.  But I actually felt like Sookie and Eric’s progression from sexually charged-antagonists . . . to unlikely roommates . . . to mutual protectors . . . to lovers came across as very natural the way it was done here.  Particularly, in this episode, you could see Sookie’s feelings for Eric begin to grow and change.  I think the clincher moment for her, was when Marnie asked Sookie if she was newly in love, and she blushed, as if the thought had never occurred to her  . . . but then seemed to realize, at least subconsciously, that she WAS.

And of course, this wouldn’t be a recap of MINE without a sexy MAKEOUT GIF for you to enjoy, would it?

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So, OF COURSE, Cockblock Bill has to screw this up, right?

“You F*&k with my Face, it’s Time to DIE!” 

Poor Pam!  She sure looked hideous with her falling off face, and creepy veil, didn’t she?  “Just what the world needs, more beekeepers,” Bill snarked, when his adversary’s maker threw herself at his mercy.  Pam was out for blood, thinking that Marnie deserved to die for her crimes against memory and pretty faces.  But Bill, of course, didn’t agree (LAME!).  He instead decides to bring Marnie in for questioning, using his Wiccan Mole, Katie, to catch her by surprise . . .

In jail, Marnie has another flashback, care of the CHICK WHO’S possessing her.  It involves said witch praying with a bunch of other witches in her jail cell, when a bunch of priests and assorted religious figures, enter the room, and proceed to vamp out and eat her friends . . .

(Maybe it’s the naughty girl in me, but I kind of love the idea of Vampire Priests . . . almost as much as I love Bill’s suggestion that there are currently vampires working for Fox News.  It actually explains a lot. ;))

King Bill interrogates the jailed Marnie, first over the loudspeaker, and then by glamouring her in her jail cell.  (COME ON, WITCH POSSESSOR!  You gave Eric amnesia . . . you took off Pam’s face . . . and Bill gets NOTHING?  Have you no decency?)

There he is, Marnie!  Make his weiner fall off! 

(Come on!  You know you want to do it!)

Unfortunately, both methods of interrogation yield the same result.  Marnie genuinely seems to “lose time” when possessed, and therefore, genuinely has NO CLUE how to undo all the havoc she has wreaked.  Pam is going to be PISSED!

King Bill calls a meeting of all the remaining Sheriffs in Louisiana (Eric is obviously too busy screwing Sookie to attend.).  He warns them of the danger of witches.  One Sheriff thinks witches are silly.  King Bill does NOT APPROVE . . .

I must say, I was rather impressed by the diversity of the Sheriffs in this decidely Red State.  Let’s see . . . We have a Blond GOD . . .

“At your service.” 

A fairly hot teenager-looking dude . . .

 . . . a woman who looks like she belongs on CNN as a news anchor (or, perhaps, at a Biker Bar  . . . take your pick) . . .

 . . . and a guy who is destined to play the Evil Pharoah in remake of The Ten Commandments (or Jafar in the live-action version of Aladdin) . . .

This last sheriff is arguably the most important, since he appeared in the Marnie Flashback, and knows first-hand the damage that witches can do.

Looks different with HAIR . . . 

Out of all the sheriffs, he seems to be the only one willing to kill Marnie (and as we see from the promos for the final half of the season, he doesn’t do a very good job).  Eventually, the stress of the situation gets the best of Pam, and she starts monologuing about how important it is for the sheriffs to band together and KILL THE B*TCH!  “She gave Eric amnesia!”  Pam accidentally lets slip.

Now Bill knows Pam has been hiding something, as this is the first he’s heard of this information . . .

“I’m so MAD AT YOU, I COULD JUST EAT OFF THE REST OF YOUR NASTY FACE!” 

Without much coaxing at all, Bill is able to elicit from Pam some even more pertinent information . . . that Amnesia Eric is f*&king hiding at Sookies . . .

OH PAM!  WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?  We’ve always been buds, and all.  But I SWEAR, if you sick Bill on Amnesia Eric, and prevent me from getting my Shower Scene, I WILL CUT YOU!  Just sayin . . .

And that’s all I’ve got for this week’s True Blood installment.  Well . . . almost ALL . .  Before I go, I’d like to leave you with a few parting gifts . . .

(1) A link to fabulous fansite where I collect most (if not all) of the spectacular screencaps you see here . . .

(2) A link to a place where you can view, in its entirety, the juicy spoilery True Blood panel from this year’s Comic Con

(3) And finally, the most tantalizing trailer in True Blood history . . .

Have a Fangtastic week, everyone!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Eric Northman Wants YOU (to Come and Play With Him) – A Recap of True Blood’s “I’m Alive and On Fire”

Dear Mom,

                       Please buy me an underwater camera for my birthday.

         Hugs and Kisses,

        TV Recapper

Hey there, Fangbangers!  Welcome to another installment of the “I Drooled Over Amnesia Eric So Much that I Forgot Nearly Everything Else that Happened in this Episode” Recap Show (Well . . . except for what happened to Pam.  I wish I could have amnesia for what happened to Pam.  That was GROSS!).  But, truthfully, we learned a lot from this week’s True Blood!  Like, for example, what happens to a vampire, after he’s eaten the WHOLE fairy . . . 

Fairy Goggles . . .

 . . . and how to stake a trailer trash werepanther in the forest, while standing on a tree top (because you never know when a skill like that could come in handy) . . . 

 Thank you, Jason’s Hot Back, for remaining free of scary werepanther bites, and nasty sex scars, against all odds . . .

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We also learned why you shouldn’t leave out markers for your Demon Baby . . .

 Nice penmanship, Evil Spawn!

. . . and, most importantly, we learned HOW TO READ!

So, what are we waiting for?  Let’s start LEARNING! 🙂

(By the way, special thanks to THIS SPECTACULAR SITE, for the majority of the fabulous screencaps you see here.  The less-than-fabulous ones, I made myself. :))

This Butt’s for YOU!

Amnesia Eric thinks Sookie has had a real stick up her butt, lately.  So, he generously decides to extract it for her . . .

When we last left Amnesia Eric, he was chowing down on some sweet Fairy Surprise . . .

 (As in, “SURPRISE!  You’re dead now . . .)

Now Claudine is nothing more than a tasty memory.  But her fairy dust remains, and it’s starting to tickle Eric’s brain .  . .

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First, he falls, face first, to the floor.  But then, he quickly recovers, and starts weaving toward Sookie, with a goofy smile on his face, and blood smeared across his chin, like a very messy baby . . .

“I want MORRRRRRRRE!”  He slurs contentedly.

As per usual, Sookie treats Eric like a disobedient child.  SPANK HIM, SOOKIE!  SPANK HIM!  “No!  You ate the WHOLE Fairy,” she tells him, frustratedly.  “And now you have to go to your room!”

(I love how Sookie doesn’t shed so much as one tear over the untimely demise of her Fairy Godmother.  Because, you know, if this was Cinderella, she would be bawling her eyes out .  . .)

“Damn Straight!”

Eric doesn’t want to go to his room.  He wants to eat Sookie.   And he tells her so, as he leans in close, and seductively whispers in her ear.  (See?  Even completely wasted, Amnesia Eric knows how to score with the ladies.)

“No!”  Sookie exclaims.  (She says “No” this week, almost as much as Eric said “Sorry,” last week)  “You’ll kill ME!”

I loved Eric’s shocked and saddened facial expression here, as he contemplates the notion of murdering his lover.  “I would never hurt you,” he explains earnestly.

But my favorite part of the scene  HAS to be, when Eric REFUSES to go inside (even though it is almost dawn) and gleefully pinches Sookie’s ass TWICE, before running away at vampire speed . . .

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Currently experiencing Ass Envy . . . 😦

Meanwhile, over at Fangtasia . . .

“Take this Crown, and Shove it . . . Your Heiny Highness . . .”

“You, stay away from MY Maker, you mean old Ancestor F*&ker!”

Eager to clean up the evidence of his little Sending Eric off to Be Killed by Witches Scheme, Bill visits Pam at Fangtasia, demanding that she inform him of Eric’s current whereabouts.  Pam kindly reminds Bill what a ruthless slimy crown-wearing douchebag he’s always been become, and then innocently claims that she has no clue where Eric is hiding.

Bill pouts, and says something like this:

So, Pam laughs in his face, and goes back to her job of being awesome and wearing kickass clothes . . .

But over in Rape Town I HATE THIS PLOT, AND AM SOOO GLAD MY JASON BABY FINALLY ESCAPED FROM IT! . . .

“I Want Candy.”

“Awww man, I really hope my Daddy doesn’t watch True Blood . . .”

For about the third episode in a row, Poor Shirtless Gory Jason is being ridden like a pony, by some trailer trash chick.  This girl looks particularly familiar.  I wish I had a screencap of her to show you.  But I think that she’s the same girl who jumped Jason in the police station, back during the Maenad Possession of Season 2.  If someone could confirm this for me, I would be oh so grateful . . .

“And I would be OH SO GRATEFUL, if you got on with this part of the recap, so I could escape this Hell Hole, and go back to being the Sexy, but Dimwitted, Comic Relief, already . . .”

(Sorry Jason! I’m on my way . . .)

So, that first girl, who may or may not have humped Jason back in Season 2, starts crying, because, even though Jason is tied up, and can’t exactly “reciprocate the love,” he still remains the best sexual partner she has ever had.  (Well, I guess when you screw your relatives all the time, things are bound to get a little yucky.  Isn’t that right, Bill Compton?)

The Old Dude from Hotshot sends in the next “candidate.”  She can’t be more than 13-years old . . .

“Breed, Ghost Daddy, Breed!”  Old Dude instructs Jason, before leaving these two to “do their thing.”

The pre-pubescent has learned well from her fellow trailer trash extras from the movie Deliverance, and promptly threatens to cut Jason’s manhood off, if he doesn’t lay there inert, while she, essentially takes her own virginity from herself.

Fortunately, Jason is eventually able to get through to the young girl, by telling her that her first time should be special.  Specifically, Jason explains that the first man Little Girl screws should be a guy who buys her stuff like candy.  (Of course, judging by Jason’s last sexual encounter’s assessment of the “eligible bachelor’s in hotshot,” this is a TOTAL LIE!  If Little Girl stays in Hot Shot, Jason Stackhouse will undoubtedly remain the Best Sex She’s Never Had.  (Join the club, Honey!)

Nevertheless, Little Girl eventually loosens Jason’s cuffs, allowing him to FINALLY ESCAPE THIS MISERABLE STORYLINE . . .

 . . . at least, for now . . .

Bad Dreams, and Puritanettes, Who Needed a Good Lay . . .

“So, let me get this straight . . . you set Eric up to get amnesia, so that he could seduce Sookie with his innocent, sweet, loveable ways?   Thank you!  This is, by far, the kindest thing you’ve done for fans, since that time you got kidnapped, and weren’t around for a couple of episodes.

“I think I just pooped in my pants.”

Unable to find Eric himself, Bill is forced to call Vampire League Leader Nan, with his tail between his legs, and inform her of the teensy weensy mistake he made.  Nan is undoubtedly beginning to wonder why she hired such an imbecile to be king.  Furthermore, she doesn’t think witches are supernatural adversaries worthy of as much man power as Bill has been using to combat them.  She helpfully explains to us that during the Salem Witch Trial, witches were easily brought down by a bunch of Uptight Puritanettes, Who Needed to Get Laid.  (Who knew?  Aside from Arthur Miller, of course.)

Apparently, both Nan and Pam shop at S&M-Loving Vampire B*tches R’ Us . . .

Nan demands that Bill find Eric and bring him back, without spilling any human (or witch) blood . . .  Ummm .  . . yeah, good luck with that, Mister Beeeel . . .

Speaking of witch trials, Marnie is having a bad dream about the chick who occasionally possesses her body.  In the dream, she is being burned at the stake . . .

“Psst . . . you, down there.  Got a hairbrush?  I’d really hate for my charred corpse to have bedhead.”

AHHHHHH! Anything but bedhead!”

In the dream, the witch starts chanting curses in Latin against the men who are burning her.  The  writers of the show helpfully translate these for us, in subtitles at the bottom of the screen.  (See above.)  Then Aunt Petunia Marnie, who doesn’t know a LICK of Latin, in her natural, unpossessed state, starts chanting along with the witch, before she waking up in bed, in a cold sweat, and undoubtedly wondering if Harry Potter is still in his bedroom under the stairs . . .

Shirtless Men Fighting Over Sookie (AGAIN)

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Sookie, once again, heads to Alcide’s house in hopes of having some hot doggy style sex, and requests his help in finding the Missing Eric.  Alcide wastes no time unzipping his pants and dropping trou for Sookie . . .

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Then the Lord made Alcide.  And he was GOOOOOD!

Once he has taken a nice long whiff of Eric’s scent, Alcide shifts into that cute little white wolf thing, and dashes off to find Eric.  He eventually locates him in a nearby lake . . .

DOGGY LIKE!

“Who has two hands, and likes to have sex underwater?  THIS GUY!”

Eric goofs around, in the water for a while, loving life, and soaking up the sun.  But when Alcide shifts back to his gorgeous shirtless glory, Eric promptly enters into a pissing contest with him, the unspoken prize being a First Class Trip inside Sookie’s panties . . .

Unfortunately, for Eric, he’s at a bit of a disadvantage, being allergic to the sun and all.  (He has only been able to last this long, as a result of the fairy blood he recently ingested.)  When Eric starts to feel the painful effects of Vampire Sun Exposure, Sookie mothers him, by calling him out of the water, and wrapping his body in her legs a big red blanket.

Papa Alcide then graciously helps Sookie get Eric home . . .

Elsewhere in the forest . .  .

Survivor  – Bon Temps: Jason Stackhouse Edition

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(And coming from the guy who was once thrown in jail on suspicion of being a serial killer . . . that’s saying a lot, CRYSTAL!)

While on the run, Jason rewards us for putting up with this Terrible Gang Bang Storyline, by promptly ripping off his shirt, and positioning his body in all sorts of attractive ways, that hide his unsightly sex bruises . . .

YEAH BABY!

Meanwhile, back in Trailer Trash Town, the Evil Felton has sneakily surmised that Little Girl is still a virgin.

This scene was SO wrong, on SO many levels . . .

Felton then rushes into Jason’s room, and learns that his Ghost Daddy has flown the coop, and tied up Old Dude to boot (maybe they could use him as a replacement “stud.”)

So, Felton rips off his shirt (of course) . . .

You know, if he wasn’t EVIL, and he didn’t come from such a garbage dump of a gene pool, Felton could actually be considered kind of hot!

 . . . turns into a panther . . .

. . . and heads off in pursuit of Jason, a.k.a. the Community Vibrator.  Now, while I do give kudos to the production department for fixing the cheesy werepanther image of Season 3, and making it much more realistic, I MUST gripe about the “panther sounds.”  These were just plain annoying! 

Throughout the scene, every two minutes, without fail, the panther would make a sound . . . the EXACT SAME SOUND . . . EVERY . . . SINGLE . . . TIME.  The sound guys didn’t bother to change the cadence, or the pitch, or ANYTHING. As a result, Felton’s werepanther growl sounded less like something you would hear in the jungle, and MORE like something you’d hear at a football game, before they brought out the mascot.  Just sayin’ . . .

Now, Jason isn’t a guy who known for his exemplary education, but, apparently, he’s at least read Lord of the Flies, since he knows enough, even in his weakened state, to sharpen a tree branch at both ends, climb up a tree, and attack the werepanther from above.  (Then again, maybe they teach you how to do stuff like that in the Bon Temps Police Academy.) 

Jason stabs Were-Felton in the head.  The latter, gets one last chomp at his leg, before falling naked and dead to the ground.

Nice knowing ya’, Felton!  That’s one Evil Werepanther down, one more to go . . . Obviously, I’m referring to Crystal.  (The rest, as far as I’m concerned, are basically just misguided dirty kids, and an Old Dude.  So, we can let them live, I think provided we never have to see them on screen EVER AGAIN.)  Speaking of that OTHER Werepanther that needs to be put to sleep . . .

And to think, I used to love ALL animals . . .

Talk about a wackadoo, Crystal is actually THRILLED that Jason murdered her boyfriend / sex partner / close relative.  And no matter how many times Jason threatens her with a stick, and tells her it’s over between them, girlfriend will just NOT TAKE A HINT.  She’s convinced that he will come crawling back to Hotshot, once his friends and family learn what happened to him.  “I’ll be waiting for you, at the Full Moon,” she calls after him cheerily, as he stomps away.

All I can say is, MAN, I HOPE NOT!  Because I can’t take any more of this crap.

Fortunately, Jason’s storyline ends on a high note this week, with Jess and Hoyt finding him on the side of the road, and Jess feeding Jason her blood to heal him.

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Team Jasicca, anyone?

Awww!  Don’t be mad at me, Hoyt!  I just call em’ like I see em’.  And there was some serious near-death, eye f*&king going on between those two . . .

Speaking of incest . . .

Portia and Bill Sitting in a Tree . . . The FAMILY Tree, that is!

“I know . . . I’ll just keep a copy of my Family Tree over my bed, so everyone I bone can check to make sure they aren’t related to me, first.”

Remember last week, when THIS happened  .  . .

And I reacted THIS way . . .

NOW YOU KNOW WHY!  Yes, boys and girls, Vampire Bill’s meeting with Andy and Portia’s grandmother went swimmingly well . . . at least until they figured out that they were all related to one another.  “Yu ahr mah great, great, great, great granndawtahhhh,” Bill admitted to his girlfriend on the porch, in that grating charming accent of his.

Poor Portia!  I wonder how many times she showered, after learning that she had “a little Compton in her” LOOOOOONG before she had a “little Compton in her,” if you catch my drift.  S0, much for incorporating “sex” into the business relationship . . .

In other effed up family news . . .

Tommy Can Read Books (But Apparently NOT People)

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OK . . . so we all know that Tommy Boy is a bastard, in pretty much every conceivable way.  He tried to steal from Sam, many times, and once, tried to get him hit by a car.  He manipulated Maxine Fortenberry into taking him in and teaching him how to read, only to decide to abandon her, and bilk her out of cash, at the first opportunity.  He’s a WHINY BRAT most of the time. 

A boy only a mother could love . . .

All that being said, I couldn’t help but feel just the teensiest bit bad for him this week.  After all, with parents like Jolie and Whatever-the-Heck-his-Mom’s-Name-Is, did Tommy have any chance to come out any better than he did?

 

Last week, I mentioned that I was a bit skeptical of the whole, “Let’s randomly pay Maxine Fortenberry lots of cash for oil” storyline.  As it turns out, my skepticism was founded, as it appears this may very well have been a ruse to bring Tommy back into the Mickens’ fold. 

Where I missed the boat, however, was in interpreting the reason behind Mommy Micken’s avoidence of the topic of her husband.  I thought she killed him.  That made me happy.

Yes, I’m a BAD PERSON.  Got a problem with that?

And while Mommy patted Tommy on the head, and told him what a smart boy he was for learning to read, I really thought, for a second there, those two might make it out of this season alive.  But then Jolie came out and put a chain around his son’s neck, thereby,  forcing him to return to the dogfighting ring.  And well, that was the end of that . . .  Just, whatever you do writers, don’t make us have to see Jolie NAKED AGAIN!  BECAUSE EWW!

I still think that Sam will eventually end up killing a family member this season, which will result in him becoming a Skinwalker.  However, now, my money is on Mommy Mickens being the victim, instead of Tommy.  (I’d say Jolie, but I don’t think the two are blood related.)

Speaking of Sam . . .

Blah, blah, blah, Jealous Ex Boyfriend Emergency, Bah

Who’s your Daddy?”

That’s right, folks.  Once again, Sam’s storyline was deadly boring.  He stopped by Luna’s house, uninvited.  She seemed briefly annoyed, because she didn’t want him to know she had a kid. 

Hey, I like kids . . . well, except for the one I shot in the leg . . .”

But Luna’s kid (her name is Emma, by the way) is not the real problem.  She’s cute, and likes to play Barbies.  (What more can a guy ask for in a surrogate daughter?)  The problem is the kid’s dad.  Apparently, he’s that brand of abusive stalker assh*le that only seems to appear in Lifetime movies.  Oh, yeah, and he’s also a werewolf . . .

In brighter news, Sam wasn’t nearly as douchey and detestable this week, as he’s been in recent weeks.  And his scenes with the little girl were actually kind of cute.  So . .  . yay for progress!

You know what’s not cute?  DEMON BABIES!

Terry Finally Wakes Up and Smells the Evil Baby Poop

OK . . . I take that back, Demon Babies can be cute.

So far this season, Baby Mikey has been pretty good about restricting his evilness to only stuff that Arlene could see.  This made Arlene look TOTALLY INSANE . . . which, let’s face it, made me like Evil Baby a whole lot more than I suspect I should have.

Get on with your Bad Self, Evil Baby!

But this time, Evil Baby showed its true colors to Terry by writing “Not your baby” in red marker on the living room wall, as Arlene and her two older children slept nearby.

In MUCH sexier news . . .

Eric Charms Sookie / Sookie Nuzzles Alcide / Debbie Pretends She’s Not Still a TOTAL NUTBALL


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Up until this point, Sookie has seemed kind of annoyed with Amnesia Eric.   It’s almost as though she didn’t quite believe his “condition” is real.  This sweet short scene illustrated the first sign of cracks in the brittle coat of armor Sookie has placed over her heart, ever since He Who Shall Not Be Named Beeeeeeeeeeeeel stomped on it so, mercilessly last season.

Like a cranky small child at bedtime, the afternoon finds Eric in his cubby hole, restless, and unwilling to sleep.  He also doesn’t want to be alone.  “Stay with me,” he begs Sookie, with disarming earnestness.

To which fans replied . . .

But Sookie (though she looked quite tempted by the Viking Vampire’s proposition) replied, “I’ve got human stuff to do.”

WHAT IS SHE NUTS?????!!!!!!  Perfect opportunity for mindblowing sex = WASTED!

Not to worry, Eric.  It’s early in the season yet.  You’ll get her next time . . .

Upstairs and out on the porch, Alcide called Sookie out for trusting Eric, and letting him live in her house, given his dubious past.  To this Sookie replied.  “Ring, ring, ring . . . hello, Pot?  It’s Kettle calling.  Guess what?  YOU’RE BLACK!”

That’s right, Alcide certainly has NO place telling Sookie she can’t let Eric sleep in her cubby hole, when Evil Trailer Trash Debbie is sleeping in his BED.  Unless, of course, he’s .  . . JEALOUS? 😉

Alcide and Sookie than share a WAY MORE THAN FRIENDLY extended hug, much similar to the one they shared together at the end of Season 3, with Sookie burrowing her head deep in Alcide’s muscular chest, and Alcide clearly relishing the closeness of his fairy princess . . .

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Meanwhile, Eric listens in on their conversation, pouting . . . (but at least, he can’t see The Hug from his cubby hole).

Back at Alcide’s House Trailer Trash Debbie in Sane Person’s Clothing inquires suspiciously as to whether Alcide shifted that day and why.  (I have no doubt she smells fairy on him!)  Alcide because he may be strong and sexy, but he’s also dumb as dogsh*t is honest with his girlfriend about spending the day with Sookie.  Debbie acts like she doesn’t mind, and thanks Alcide for being honest.  But there’s a glint in her eye, as she does this that just SCREAMS CRAZY TOWN! 

Hide your pet bunny, Alcide!

Bill Compton – Cockblock Extraordinaire

I mentioned cracks in Sookie’s emotional armor, in the previous scene.  But in this one, we get cracks in her panties as well! 🙂  It all starts when Sookie comes to visit Amnesia Eric in his cubby hole, and finds him depressed and listless.

I remember watching TVD last season, and being shocked at Resident Bad Boy Vamp Damon’s longing for humanity.  I had a similar reaction to Eric’s sad realization that he would never get to truly experience the sun again, in the same way he did earlier that day . . .

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In many ways, True Blood vampires have MORE to miss about being human than other television and film vampire incarnations, because they ARE literally “Dead Until Dark.”  Amesia Eric’s confession got me to wondering whether Memory-Having Eric experienced the same sense of loss last season, after HE got to spend some time in the light, as a result of drinking some of Sookie’s blood . . .

But enough about THAT!  You want to hear about the Seric SEXUAL TENSION, right?

There are plenty of naysayers who say that Sookie’s feelings for Amnesia Eric must be considered as completely separate from her feelings for Memory-Having Eric, as their personalities are so vastly different.  And yet, in this scene, Sookie speaks of Memory-Having Eric fondly, noting how confident and content he always seems to be, and how everything just seems to roll off his back.

 . . . or put him ON his back, whichever you prefer.

I also found it interesting that Amnesia Eric read enough into Sookie’s description of Memory-Having Eric to cause him to be jealous of his former self.  “You think I am weak,” he pouts.”

Sookie smiles sweetly at him, telling him that she simply wants to make him happy.  Well, Eric may have Amnesia, but he is NO DUMMY!  He knows an opening, when he sees one.  “Just kiss me once, and I will be happy,” he tells her.

The pair lean in close to one another, with passion in their eyes.  She looks at him intently.  He returns the gaze.  They move closer to eachother . . . Their bodies are touching . . . Their lips are inches apart. And then . . .

“Somebody, is at the door,” Eric announces.

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STUPID BEEEEL!  GRRRRR!

“Yeah, so I know that you are all big and important, now, and all.  But could you please leave so that I can have hot sex with go back to kissing Eric?”

Bill wants to know where Eric is (“He’s in my pants,” replies Sookie.  “Or, at least he would be if you didn’t come and eff it up!”) .  Sookie lies, and says she has no idea.  When Bill goes to search her home anyway, since, Eric, after all, does OWN it, Sookie lays a guilt trip on him, asking if she has ever lied to him before.  That made me laugh.  Way to go, SOOKIE! 🙂

Bill pushes past Sookie to search her house anyway, but stops at the threshhold.  He then gets a sad look on his face, and leaves.  And for about two seconds, I actually felt bad for Bill . . . but then, I got over it.

Meanwhile, in Scary Witch Land . . .

YOU RUINED PAM’S FACE!  (YOU BASTARD!)

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I love the contrast between the whiny scatterbrained Marnie and the self-assured remorseless Hallow who occasionally possesses her body.  We got to see the dichotomy between these two in full force, when Lafayette, Tara and Jesus, approached Marnie requesting help to remove the Amnesia spell from Eric, so that Pam didn’t kill them all.  To her credit, Marnie really did seem to want to help.  It’s just that . . . as a witch .  . . well, she kind of sucks!

Uhhhh .  . . I didn’t mean that.   Sorry!

“Get your ass on the Goddess Line, and get her to turn it around,” said Lafayette, of Marnie’s “Witchy Godmother.” 

Lafayette had more reason than ANY of them, to want Marnie to follow Pam’s wishes, after all, if anyone knows the evil Eric F*&king Northman can do, it’s HIM.

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Eventually, Hallow DOES give in, and help Marnie to find the spell she is seeking.  And so the Witchy Scooby Gang head out to meet Pam in the middle of the forest.  The problem of course, is that Pam is being extra special ornery, spouting out insults at the entire gang, cursing like a sailor, and lodging individual threats at everyone involved.

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This makes Marnie nervous, but it makes Hallow ROYALLY PISSED OFF, which is why she chooses this exact moment to do something REALLY INCREDIBLY DISGUSTING TO PAM’S FACE!  (In fact, it’s SO DISGUSTING that I refuse to put a picture of it on my blog.  Instead, you’ll get this cute picture of a kitty . . .

You’re welcome!

And that’s all she wrote.  🙂  See you next week, Fangbangers!

(This has sort of become the unofficial “closing credits” for my True Blood Recaps.)

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Sometimes, Sex Can Be Icky . . . – A Recap of True Blood’s “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin’?

Don’t worry, Eric, sexual ickiness is clearly NOT something you have to worry about!

(NOT ICKY . . . AT ALL! :))

Now, Vampire Bill, on the other hand . . .

Greetings Fangbangers!  While last week’s installment of True Blood featured “A Whole Lotta Naked,” this week’s episode featured A Whole Lotta Sex.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t the GOOD kind of sex . . . AT ALL!

“You mean there is such a thing as bad sex?”

(Oh yes there is JASON!  And, unfortnately, you are about to learn that first hand.)

So, strap on a condom, and renew your prescription for The Pill, because we are about to get started on this recap!

Amnesia Eric Apparently Watches the Jersey Shore

 “Eat your heart out, The Situation!”

When we last left our new pal, Amnesia Eric, and his roommate, Sookie, he was sniffing her from the window of her car, and telling her how good she smelled.

“Thanks Eric, but I think that’s just the pine tree air freshener hanging from my dashboard!”

This week, Eric continues to soak in Sookie’s stench, until she tires of being his personal Scratch n’ Sniff sticker, and drives away.  Now, you would think that, after four seasons of being attacked at night by supernatural creatures, while driving in her car, Sookie would learn to . . . I don’t know . . . CLOSE HER WINDOW!

But she doesn’t . . . so THIS happens . . .

Now, Sookie’s MAD!  So, she gets out of her car, and PUNCHES AMNESIA ERIC IN THE NOSE!

The fact that Eric was so utterly shocked, and hurt, by the fact that the girl he just VIOLENTLY PULLED OUT OF THE WINDOW OF HER CAR WITH HIS BARE HANDS would possibly want to do him harm, makes me wonder if he not only has amnesia, but has lost his short term memory, as well.

“Does this mean you DON’T want to have sex with me?

Sookie exasperatedly explains to Eric that his pretty little nose will heal right away, since he’s a vampire.  So, he should really stop crying about it.  Eric’s response?

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Did you hear that, Fangbangers?  Amnesia Eric just confused the blonde, southern, spunky, fairy waitress with the brunette, northeastern, puffy-haired, fake-baked, dumpling.

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I don’t know . . . if I was Sookie, I might have punched him again, at this point! 

But then, Sookie starts asking Eric what happened to him.  Eric gets so flustered and upset, that he starts talking in