“We’re Not in Coyote Ugly anymore, Toto!” – A Brief Look at the Pilot for USA Network’s Covert Affairs

“We’re tough!  We’re (relatively) young.  We’re pretty.  One of us is pretending to be blind.  Welcome to the CIA, bitches!”

Tonight, I checked out the pilot episode for USA’s new spy drama, Covert Affairs, on Hulu.com.  The show stars Piper Perabo as 28-year old CIA newbie, Annie Walker.  Some of you out there may remember Perabo from her starring role in this  . . .

(Don’t you like how I was supposed to show you a video of Piper Perabo from Coyote Ugly; and I ended up showing you the ONE and ONLY clip in the ENTIRE movie, that featured the Hot Aussie Dude shirtless and dancing?  Yeah . . . I thought you would.)

Oh, hello again, Shirtless Adam Garcia!  Thanks for stopping by.  But I should probably go back to talking about Covert Affairs now . . .

In terms of characterization, Perabo’s Annie Walker is pretty much EXACTLY what you’d expect from a leading lady in this type of show.  She’s tough, but knows how to turn on the dainty charm, when necessary.  She was burned by an old relationship that abruptly ended, and is, therefore, perpetually single, which worries the heck out of her family and friends.  She walks and talks like a supermodel, but can throw out clever one-liners worthy of the Fat Guy in sitcoms.  She’s “brand new” at her job, but is already “the best her employers have ever seen.” 

Oh, and she prefers to track down international spies and dangerous crime lords, while clad in teeny tiny skirts and ungodly high designer heels . . . (Who doesn’t, right?)  One of her colleagues on the show puts it best when he says she “fits the male fantasy profile perfectly.”

“Does this shade of mascara clash with my gun?”

Starring alongside Perabo, as Walker’s colleage and Guy Friday a.k.a. “the funny friend she is NOT attracted to” is Christopher Gorham, who you may remember as THIS GUY  . . .

 . . . wait . . . that probably didn’t help you at all, did it?  Let’s try again.  THIS GUY . . .

That’s right, boys and girls, it’s HENRY from UGLY BETTY!

Henry . . . er . . . I mean Christopher . . .  plays Augie Doggie . . .

Oops. . .  sorry, I mean . . . Auggie Anderson, a young CIA officer who was blinded in a freak accident on the job.  He now exists solely to provide Annie Walker with unlimited support / platonic friendship / semi-witty banter, and, therefore, will never get his own storyline.  Oh, and every other sentence out of his mouth is BLIND joke.  I guess this is OK though, because he’s BLIND.  Did I mention that he’s BLIND?  BLIND. 

What’s the matter? Am I annoying you with my constant and repetitive references to the character’s non-seeing nature?  Try listening to that for AN HOUR . . .

Also starring in Covert Affairs is SANDY COHEN from The O.C.!

Yep.  That’s Peter Gallagher . . . known best for his massively furry caterpillar eyebrows, and “middle-aged dude” sexiness.  (Those of you who are a little bit older might also remember Peter as the Coma Guy that Sandra Bullock crushed on in While You Were Sleeping.)

“OMG!  Unconscious guys are SO HOT!”

Here, Gallagher changes things up a bit, by playing precisely the type of guy that Sandy Cohen would HATE. Gallagher’s CIA director, Arthur Campbell, is a total stuffed-shirt — one with the rare ability to deliver cliched, but highly emotional, lines like, “We will track him down, so help me God,” in a manner completely devoid of any human emotion whatsoever. 

Gallagher’s wife, and Annie and Auggie’s direct superior, is Joan Gallagher, played by Kari Matchett.

As is typical with these type of “newbie learns the ropes” -themed dramas, Joan comes off, at least in the pilot, as kind of a cold-hearted b&tch.  But of course, you KNOW that, eventually, assuming the show doesn’t get canceled first we will get to see her softer side.  I also presume that she will ultimately end up taking on a sort of “parental” type role in Annie’s life, despite the two looking remarkably similar in age.

Also featured in the pilot was Anne Dudek, who you might remember as the woman who played Betty Draper’s friend, and fellow Desperate Housewife, Francine, on AMC’s Mad Men.

Dudek plays Danielle Brooks, Annie’s older and well-meaning, if slightly judgmental, and totally clueless, sister, in whose poolhouse Annie inexplicably lives.

Annie’s mysteriously disappearing ex, seen mostly through flashbacks, is THIS GUY . ..

Eion Bailey.  (He’s a little hairy for my taste, but I’ll take him.  With a name like “Eion,” it has to be good!)

Rounding out the main cast, at least in terms of the pilot episode, is Eric Lively.

And if, for any reason, you are thinking that the actor looks a lot like what you imagine Serena from Gossip Girl would look like as a man, you are absolutely right . . .

Eric is Blake Lively’s older brother.  He plays a womanizing senior CIA agent, named Conrad Sheehan III.

 (By the way, why is it that every time a television character has a number after their name, to signify their “wealthy roots,” it always seems to be 3?  Can’t rich people count past that number?)

 Conrad’s entire role seems to revolve around flirting mercilessly with Annie.  He acts like he’s “important,” and, yet, never seems to do any actual CIA work.  According to Wikipedia, Eric’s character will eventually be replaced by that dude from Heroes,  Sendhil Ramamurthy . . .

 . . . although I’m not sure why.

OK, I get it now . . .

All snark and shirtlessness aside, this was actually a pretty enjoyable pilot episode.  It moved briskly, and kept my interest throughout its over an hour-long running time.  Cliched aspects of her character aside, Perabo’s Annie Walker was surprisingly likeable and interesting to watch on screen.  And for a newbie, she seemed to pull off the heavy duty action sequences required of her quite well

 (It’s really nice to know that all that dancing on the bar Perabo did during Coyote Ugly wasn’t all for naught.)

Granted, the episode was not without its shortcomings.  For starters, some of the Washington D.C. set designs were fake as hell.  For example, clearly, the show’s producers have never rode the D.C. Metro.  Here’s a hint:  It’s actually REALLY CLEAN!

In the producers defense, those who’ve ridden subways in practically any other city might never have guessed this.  But if I found this picture on Google, this multi-million dollar show ABOUT THE CIA, should have been able to find it too.  If not the cleanliness, they could have at least mimicked the D.C. Metro’s trademark waffle ceilings . . .

And, of course, the so-called plot twists in this pilot aren’t exactly “jaw dropping.”  In fact, if you are like me, you will probably pick up on all of them WAY before Annie does.  And seeing as SHE picks up on them WAY BEFORE the rest of the CIA, that really doesn’t say much about our nation’s “intelligence,” now does it?

But all that aside, Covert Affairs is an entertaining hour.  One I wouldn’t mind adding to my weekly television watching rotation . . . at least on a temporary basis.

Covert Affairs airs Tuesday nights at 10 p.m. on the USA Network.  You can watch the trailer for the show here:

And its pilot episode, here.

OMFG? Not so much . . . – The Top Ten “Been There, Seen That” Teen Television Cliches (Part 1 of 2)

It is probably no secret to anyone who has ever stopped by this blog before (or even just examined the above “collage”), that I am a sucker for Trash-tastic Teen Television.  I have been a fan of these types of shows since the age of eight.  That was when I first decided that I desperately wanted to be a teen.  And I have no doubt that I will remain a fan, long after I have cruised past “old age,” and am forced to squint through my coke bottle glasses, and smile through my dentures, at the sight of some pipsqueaks (who bear a suspicious resemblance to my grandkids) attending prom on my small screen.

“That is one hot threesome.  Oh, when I think back to my first threesome . . . ah memories!”

Having been around the “teenage television” block quite a bit since my eighth birthday, I have come to notice a few patterns among my favorite teen dramas.  Over the years, I have watched in wonder, as certain storylines traveled across decades,  time zones, and networks, just to reach my lowly television set, over and over (and over and over) again . . .  So I’ve decided to investigate these storylines, in hopes of FINALLY figuring out what makes them so “gosh darn special!”

1) “Hit me with a baby, one more time!” – The Pregnancy Scare and/or Actual Pregnancy Plotline

The Storyline: Our teen female protagonist has sex . . . usually for the first time.  Her partner is either a long, LONG time boyfriend, with whom she has been discussing doing the deed for the ENTIRE season . . .

 Or, conversely, he is a one night-stand, who she (a) barely knows; or (b) seemingly despises.  There is never any in between. 

In the very next scene, our protagonist learns that she has missed her period.  She is FLIPPING THE F&CK OUT!

She keeps her discovery a secret from everyone, except for her best friend.  And the best friend is inevitably the one who convinces the protagonist to take the pregnancy test.

Regardless of the pregnancy test’s ultimate result, inevitably there comes a time when our protagonist has to have “The Discussion” with “The Maybe Baby Daddy.” 

 Sometimes, he takes it well . .  . usually, he doesn’t . . . at least, not at first.

Now, if the protagonist ends up not being pregnant . . . well then . . . THAT’S IT!  Our protagonist is RELIEVED!  She feels brand NEW!  She’s CHANGED!

She will pretend this whole little sweeps week episode never happened (or, in the case of Manny Santos, and Degrassi, the U.S. will pretend this whole episode never happened . . . by NOT AIRING IT, until about 3 years after it was actually filmed).  However, if our protagonist IS pregnant . . . we get stuck with a baby storyline for ALL ETERNITY (or at least it will seem that way  . . .)!

Examples: Brenda on 90210 (not actually pregnant); Andrea on 90210 (actually pregnant / had baby / raised baby); Summer on The O.C. (not actually pregnant); Manny on Degrassi: The Next Generation (actually pregnant / had abortion); Liberty on Degrassi: The Next Generation (pregnant / had baby / gave baby up for adoption); Emma on Degrassi: The Next Generation (not actually pregnant / feeling left out because EVERYONE else on her show actually was); Blair on Gossip Girl (not actually pregnant);  Georgina on Gossip Girl (To Be Determined?); Amy on Secret Life of the American Teenager (actually pregnant / had baby / is raising baby); Quinn on Glee (actually pregnant / had baby / gave baby up for adoption).

Why it’s a cliche?

“Hey there, boys and girls!  I’ve got a message for you!  Premarital sex is BAAAAAAAAD!”

Teen television programs tend to be written by adults.  And even the most hip and forward thinking adults, don’t like to think about their 15-year old kids f*c*ing eachother’s brains out like bunny rabbits on acid. 

So they ever so subtly try to scare the crap out of their kids, by showing them how having sex once can RUIN THEIR LIVES FOREVER!  It doesn’t really work . . .

This storyline is SO overdone that precisely NO ONE is shocked or dismayed by the prospect of a female protagonist  . . . missing her period.  Hey writers, want to REALLY scare your kids celibate?  Give your television characters crabs. 

That will permanently glue your teen’s legs shut for sure!

2) “OH NO!  You killed .  . . what’s his name again?” – The Death of the Peripheral Character Plotline

 

The Storyline:  There is this recurring character on your favorite show that has becoming increasingly annoying, of late. 

You can’t quite put your finger on it, but you just think the character really sucks. 

And you can’t wait for him or her to leave your television screen ALONE! 

You spend WAY too much time bashing this minor character on online message boards, and in snarky recaps of the show.  In those messages, you may or may not beg the show’s writers for said character’s untimely demise. 

Then the character actually DIES. 

And you’re secretly happy that you got what you wanted. 

But NOW you’re convinced you are very sh*tty person.  Because, REALLY, what kind of nice, normal person is HAPPY when someone dies, real or fake?  Even though very few of the characters on your show seemed to like this character any more than you did, while he was alive, they all make a big show of mourning and /or having a funeral for him or her.  

Your favorite character will inevitably give the eulogy for this character.  And it will be all warm, and fuzzy, and heartfelt . . . and, of course, totally depressing. 

And YOU will surprise yourself by crying like a baby when you watch it (probably out of guilt for openly hating the character so much . . . or . . .  maybe the scene just reminds you of a dead relative).  After the episode airs, the show’s entire cast will COMPLETELY forget that this dead character ever existed . . .

Examples: Scott on 90210, Abby on Dawson’s Creek; Rick on Degrassi: The Next Generation, Johnny on The O.C., that dude Serena supposedly “killed” on Gossip Girl, Percy and Reed on Grey’s Anatomy (not technically a teen show, but still . . .), Vicki on The Vampire Diaries

Why it’s a cliche?  The “Very Special” Dead Person episode of any teen show is sure to be a ratings grabber, no matter how unlikeable the soon-to-be dead character was before he met his demise.  Plus, killing any character on their show (even if it’s just a one-episode guest star) allows producers to run that oh-so-original . . . “SOMEBODY WILL DIE!” promo the week before their episode airs, and you know how ALL producers LOVE that promo! 

3) “Hot for Teacher!” – The Inappropriate Student / Teacher Relationship Plotline

The Storyline:  The protagonist has a crush on his or her very attractive (yet obviously lonely, and very desperate), teacher. 

The teacher makes a lame ass attempt to rebuff the protagonists affections, but fails miserably. 

Soon the student and the teacher are doing the horizontal mambo together in secret. 

Someone always finds out.  Someone always exposes them for the sluts they both are. 

It always ends badly . . .

Examples: Pacey and Miss Jacobs on Dawson’s Creek, Paige and Mr. O on Degrassi: The Next Generation, Dan and Miss Carr on Gossip Girl, Aria and Mr. Fitz on Pretty Little Liars

Why it’s a cliche?  Forbidden love is HOT!  And cougars are all the rage!  Plus, who HASN’T had a crush on one of their teachers and indulged in a naughty fantasy, or two (or twenty) involving same? 

 Mine was my freshman history teacher in high school.  He was pretty young, compared to most of my teachers at that time . . . probably in his mid-to-late twenties . . . and single.  Actually, he kind of looked like this . . .

 . . . only he was a wee bit older . . . and he generally wore shirts (unfortunately).  Coincidentally, Mr. Devlin, if your reading this . . . 😉

4) “Cheaters never win, and winners never . . . whatever.” – The Cheating on a Test / Plagiarism Plotline

Storyline: The protagonist REALLY needs to pass a particular test or ace a certain paper.  He or she is under a lot of external pressure to do so. 

 But something happens, so that he or she doesn’t have time to do the appropriate amount of studying and /or research.  He or she is tempted, upon receiving answers to the test or a pre-written paper, to . . . CHEAT!

The protagonist struggles with whether or not to enter into the dark evil world of “school crime,” but ultimately does. 

Because the character cheated, he or she does so well on the test or paper that his teacher inevitably wants to enter him or her in some national competition of some sort related to the aforementioned paper or test.  Smothered by guilt, the character eventually comes clean.  He or she then gets in trouble . . . 

But not in nearly as much trouble as the character would, if caught, in . . . say . . . the REAL WORLD . . .

“It can’t possibly be worse than when I got that awful haircut . . .”

Examples: Felicity on Felicity, Andie on Dawson’s Creek, Rusty on Greek, Lindsay and Daniel on Freaks and Geeks, Spencer on Pretty Little Liars

Why it’s a cliche?  One word:  schadenfreude.  You see, here’s the thing . . . every teen show has that one uptight overachieving character, who always gets A’s, is super judgmental of all of her “less brilliant” friends, and never seems to do anything wrong.  Admit it!  It’s kind of fun to see tight asses like that crack under the pressure . . .

Make that VERY fun!

5) “I’m gonna do real bad things to you .  . . and make you DO real bad things!”  – The “Bad Influence” Plotline

The Storyline: Our protagonist is going through kind of a “rough patch” in his or her life.  He or she is therefore looking to let loose, and have some sort of emotional and/or physical release.  In walks a character who is fun, adventurous, and more than a little dangerous. 

Our protagonist starts hanging out with the “dangerous” character a lot. 

(Click the internal link to watch!)

Before you know it, he or she is behaving just like the “dangerous” character, and getting into all sorts of trouble as a result.   

 The protagonists other friends are jealous of all the fun their typically boring protagonist is now having.  But they are also worried.  Inevitably, the moment comes when protagonist is about to get into a cr*p load of trouble with the “dangerous” character. 

 The friends stage an intervention of sorts. 

It works!

 The dangerous character rides away on the evil broomstick by which it came.  All is, once again, right (and boring) with the world . . .

Examples: Abby influencing Jen on Dawson’s Creek, Georgina influencing Serena on Gossip Girl, Damon influencing Caroline on The Vampire Diaries, “The Freaks” influencing Lindsay on Freaks and Geeks, that character Paul Wesley played on Everwood influencing Hannah on Everwood, that character Paul Wesley played on The O.C. influencing Ryan and Seth on The O.C.

Why it’s a cliche?  Everybody’s got a dark side.  Secretly, we all want to be a little “bad” sometimes.  The good news is that we can do it safely and vicariously, by watching our favorite “good” television characters “go bad,” albeit temporarily.  They have fun while doing it . . . and so do we, at least until their lame friends bring them back to earth.

Well, that’s all the teen television cliches I have for tonight.  But please tune in tomorrow, when I tackle love triangles, love-hate relationships, prom, the ever enlightening “trip to Europe,” and, of course, the dreaded ski trip  .  . .

Anatomy of a Trailer – Touchstone Pictures’ “You Again”

OK.  So, a film about a former high school nerd, who is now “all-grown up” and successful, but soon finds herself reverting back to her old ways, when the school bully conveniently re-enters her life?  It’s not exactly the most original movie premise out there.  And yet, with a cast that includes none other than:

 my girl-crush Kristen Bell (of Veronica Mars fame),

Jamie Lee Curtis,

Sigourney Weaver,

Kristin Chenoweth,

Cloris Leachman,

and the always ADORABLE Betty White

 . . . I simply HAD to post this trailer.  So, here it is (special thanks to TrailerDelinquent, over at YouTube, for posting this):

Let’s analyze, shall we . . .

:12 – I’m not sure how I feel about Jaime Lee Curtis and Victor Garber as Kristen Bell’s parents.  Don’t get me wrong, they are both GREAT actors.  It’s just that they are so “dark complected” compared to Bell’s blonde, fair-skinned, look.  Maybe she is supposed have been adopted?

That being said .  . . I’m TOTALLY loving Garber’s “doo-rag” in this dinner scene!

:28 – I was wondering how they would make the super cute Kristen Bell into a convincing nerd, for “flashback scene” purposes.  I don’t have to wonder anymore . . .

Nice job, wardrobe and makeup department!  They even (gasp!) gave my girl highly realistic looking PIMPLES!

:36 – Now, I may be broadcasting my “inner nerd” when I say this, but I think mascots, in general, are pretty awesome . . . Well, maybe not that one.

Now, do you see what I mean about the pimples?

:47 – “Hugsies!”  – UGGHHH!  I already HATE Odette Yustman’s character, and it’s been less than a minute!

:54 – It definitely looks like they photoshopped together ACTUAL high school pictures of Jaime Lee Curtis and Sigourney Weaver to make this fake yearbook picture.  (Devil horns not included, of course.)

1:12 – OH NO!  They DID NOT just allude to a Jamie Lee Curtis “money shot!”

Sheesh!  The woman does ONE movie with Lindsay Lohan . . .

 . . .  and already she’s exposing herself in public.  This is yet another GREAT reason to ban “Lilo” from all future cinematic appearances!

1:16 and 1:48 – For a movie trailer, this has has a surprisingly  good soundtrack!  The first song you hear is “Good Girls Go Bad,” by Cobra Starship.  The second one is Little Jackie’s “The World Should Revolve Around Me.”  Remind me to add these two tracks to my ipod, OK?

2:08 – “Somebody call US Weekly.  Let’s find out who wore it best!”

Sorry Jamie Lee!  I’m going to have to go with Sigourney on this one . . .

2:24 – “I’m also on the Facebook . . . and the Twitter.”  –  I heart Betty White!  I’ll definitely be stalking her on both Facebook AND Twitter, once I finish this post.

 

You Again bullies into theaters on September 24, 2010.  Will YOU see it?

Saving Stefan Salvatore – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Let the Right One In”

 

“Let’s kick some Vampire Ass (but not mine, of course)!”

Before I put on my recapper’s hat, and attempt to provide you with some moderately (or, at least, minimally)  intelligent commentary on this week’s VD installment, I ask that you please forgive me my brief fangirl moment.  I LOVED this episode!   I LOVED it so much, in fact, that I would very much like to have hot raunchy sex with it;

marry it; pop out lots of babies from it;

and grow old with it, for vampiric eternity.

This one-hour, game-changing VD installment was packed to the gills with non-stop action, teen angst, and, of course,  drama, drama DRAMA!  A Buddy Cop-esque Bromance was born!  A darkside to a heretofore angelic character was exhibited!  Hearts were broken (and stabbed)!  Senseless deaths abounded!  A woman who at one time seemed long lost, was finally FOUND . . . but not in the way her friends and family had initially hoped!  Folks, it doesn’t get much better than this . . .

So, without further adieu, let’s take a fond look back at this pivotal, awesome-as-all-heck, VD episode!

Binge and Purge

“Do you think all this rain makes me look fat?”

It rained A LOT during this episode.  And not just drizzly droplets of rain, either.  Buckets of liquid hell rained down on Mystic Falls, throughout the entire hour, soaking all the characters to their core.  And while the “dark stormy night” cliche tends to be overused, particularly in films and shows of the supernatural horror genre, it really worked here.  Perhaps this was because most of the episode took place in broad daylight, a place of great discomfort for those light-hating vampires. 

It was the DISCOMFORT of the characters that really cinched the mood for this story.  After all, walking in the rain sucks.  Getting mud in your shoes sucks.  Falling down a hill and grabbing onto a hand attached to a dead body . . . well . . .  perhaps I’m getting  a bit ahead of myself here.

After declining Damon’s enticing offer of “two liters of soccer mom in the fridge,” a thirsty Stefan goes out in the woods in search of blood of the non-human variety.  There, he is attacked by two of EEVVIL Vampire Frederick’s goons.  Apparently, EEVVIL Vampire Frederick did not take too kindly to his girlfriend winning the “Senseless Death Award” last week, and sought revenge against this Kinder Gentler Salvatore, as  a result  . . .

“Payback’s a wet bitch, bloodsucker!”

The goons take Stefan back to Mama Pearl’s Vampire Hidey Hole, and tie him shirtless to some ropes dipped in the toxic-to-vampires vervain.  Now, I’m pretty sure that the whole POINT of all this was for the writers to have some excuse to show us Paul Wesley looking like this . . .

 . . . and I’m totally OK with that!

When Stefan fails to come home from his personal “Hunting Party,” Big Brother Damon becomes a bit concerned, and rallies the troops for a rescue mission.  Damon’s first recruit for the “Save Stefan” team is, of course, Elena . . .

Her job on the mission?  Well . . . to look pretty, basically.  After all, Elena is a GIRL, and that’s basically ALL girls did back in Damon’s day, that and play croquet, drink tea, and discuss Jane Austen novels.  Although Elena desperately wants in on the “kick ass first, take names later” plot to save her man, Damon won’t let her.  Although he “feels her pain” about losing a lover to a Vampire Hidey Hole (memories of Vampire Katherine much?), her life is “valuable” to him and, therefore, not to be put at risk.  Now, I don’t know whether to be seriously turned on by Damon’s sexy gallantry here (He adoringly cupped Elena’s face in his hands when he said it.), or seriously pissed off by his rampant chauvinism.  Damn you, Damon and your confusing MIND GAMES!

Damon’s other recruit?  Alaric!

His job?  To BORE the opposition to death with his  snooziness.  Just kidding (sort of).  Actually, Alaric just so happens to have in his possession a golf bag full of vervain-tipped darts.  (Who doesn’t, right?)  Since, the only weapon Damon had for battle was his own lean muscles and generalized awesomeness, the Smart and SexyVamp figured that having Alaric’s weaponry as a backup certainly wouldn’t hurt. 

The problem? Apparently, back in the day, Damon screwed Alaric’s wife and turned her into a vampire.  So, she left his boring ass.  Not exactly the stuff “bromances” are made of.

Never one to give up without a fight, however, Damon resorts to Plan B.  In order to get his hands on those weapons, he tells Alaric that if Alaric helps him save Stefan, Damon will force Mama Pearl to give up the info as to where Alaric’s wife is currently located. 

  

Seeing as Mama Pearl also hates Damon’s guts, and could easily kick his ass (even with both of her hands and one leg tied behind her back) this is, of course, a bald-faced lie.  Fortunately for Damon, Alaric is desperate . . . and stupid . . . enough to fall for it.  And so, off head our two heroes into Mama Pearl’s Vampire Hidey Hole.  It is there, that Damon meets the fusty Old Ms. Gibbons, who all of the vampires living in the Hidey Hole have been drinking, and mind-controlling lately. 

So, what does “Our Hero” do?  Well, he does what anyone would do in this situation . . .  he BREAKS HER NECK, of course!  Wait . . . what?

Senseless Death Award?  I think we have a winner . . .

Inside, Damon and Alaric, vervain tipped arrows in hand, proceed to kick some SERIOUS vampire ass, all the while, muttering hilarious one-liners to one another, like any good buddy cops would do.  Meanwhile, Elena is outside . . . LOOKING PRETTY, until she realizes that NO ONE CAN SEE HER.  So, Elena heads toward the Vampire Hidey Hole herself.  As I watch her do this, I’m praying that her “girl power” bravery, doesn’t cause her to get kidnapped or captured, thereby, ruining it for my whole sex, a la Kate from Lost, every single time she is placed in this exact situation.

Girl Powerless.

Fortunately, my girl Elena does not disappoint me.  Not only does she kick a bit of vampire ass on her own, her human hands are also NEEDED to untie the vampire-poison laced ropes from Stefan’s hot shirtless arms.  Damon and Alaric then assure Elena and the newly freed Stefan that they are not done KICKING VAMPIRE ASS . . . even though the reason for the ass-kicking is no longer in the building. 

So, out of the Hidey Hole and back into the rainy woods go Elena and a battle-weary Stefan, ALONE.  Soon after, the pair are attacked by EEVIL Vampire Frederick.  As a result, Stefan is seriously injured.  So, Elena takes one for the team, by allowing Stefan his first healing taste of human blood . . . hers.

And you really have to hand it to the producers of this show for avoiding the typical vampire flick cliche of making “feeding” look like hot sex.  Because when Stefan feeds off Elena, it doesn’t look hot at all.  It looks . . . well . . . like a girl getting her arm chewed off by some dude with rabies.  Then, when EEVVIL VAMPIRE Frederick comes back for one final scare, a Feral Looking, Drooling and Snarling, Stefan does him in for good, but, unfortunately, freaks the crap out of Elena, in the process.

“Gag me with a spoon!  I didn’t sign on for this sh&t!  Maybe playing croquet and ‘looking pretty’ isn’t such a bad idea, after all.”

Later that night, Damon heads out for drinks with his new bromantic partner Alaric, who shows his loyalty to Damon by . . . RANDOMLY PUNCHING HIM IN THE FACE! 

Super Sexy Damon = NOT a punching bag, POOPYHEAD!

Had he harmed an inch of that beautiful face, Alaric would be DEAD TO ME.  But Damon survived the faceplant relatively unscathed.  And so, I can officially say this about the typically snoozy Alaric . . . HE IS AWESOME!  (for now, at least)  When Drunken Damon arrives home, however, he finds Snarly Stefan huddled in a corner, having decided to take Damon up on his Bloody Soccer Mom offer, after all.  And you know what they say . . . once you go “Soccer Mom” you never go back . . .

 . . . and that was how Bambi’s mother got to live  another day . . .

Bite Me, Anna

 

In other news, Jeremy continues his campaign to get Anna to turn him into a vampire.  And it seems like Anna is about ready to take him up on his request.  Unfortunately, for Anna, she soon learns that Jeremy is “just not that into her.”  Turns out, “VampJer” prefers ACTUALLY DEAD girls to UNDEAD ONES.  Sucks to be Anna right now . . .

Speaking of Actually Dead girls . . .

The Senseless Death that Keeps on Giving . . .

The typically uber dull Caroline is out driving during the rainstorm, when her car gets  stuck in the mud.  To make matters worse, when Caroline gets out of the car to make a phone call, she falls down a hill.  Fortunately, a helping hand is there to pull her back to safety.  Unfortunately . . . that hand belongs to a corpse.

“And she TOTALLY screwed up my manicure too . . . BITCH!”

Poor Caroline!  Just when she thought her day couldn’t suck more, now she has to go tell all of Mystic Falls, including her boyfriend, who just happens to be Vicki’s brother, that Vicki is VERY dead.  And you KNOW how everyone just LOVES to shoot the messenger!  So, of course, upon hearing the news, Mattykins blows off Traumatized Caroline and rushes into Elena’s recently chewed-up arms . . . 

 Anyone have the number for a good therapist?  Because I think our girl Caroline is REALLY going to need one!

And that’s all she wrote folks!  Tune in next week, when the formerly Kinder Gentler Salvatore goes BAT SH&T BLOOD THIRSTY INSANE!!!!!! Is it Thursday yet?