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Werepocalypse! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Weaponized”

owwwww

Just when you thought it was safe to take your PSATs . . .

(Coming soon to a high school located on a Hellmouth Beacon near you . . .)

                In a season that was in grave danger of becoming the Assassin of the Week, Teen Wolf decided to change things up a bit this past Monday, by . . .

so excited sowk7

. . . having another assassin of the week.

yawning

In all fairness though, The Chemist was not your run-of-the-mill One Episode Baddie.  While his predecessors preyed on the viewers’ basic fears of things like . . . people without lips . . .

shhhh

. . . and people who looked like the kid from Home Alone . . .

creep

Macaulay-Culkin-5393890

The chemist (who, by the way, so much resembled one of my high school English teachers, that it was truly frightening) taps into our more deep seated fears, the kind of fears we don’t talk about at parties . . .

ep 8 funny stiles

. . . You know like the fear of catching some strange incurable disease for a reason completely unknown to you, and dying a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad death that is sure to leave you with a disgusting corpse no undertaker could fix . . .

help me please

ep 9 stiles hale tumblr going to die

In short, this was basically the Cabin Fever of Teen Wolf episodes . . . (Google it. ;))

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre, who is ten times better than your run-of-the-mill Benefactor assassin, because he gives me “visual confirmation” of all the supernatural kills, without ever requesting payment. ;)]

Caught between some rocks/ash and a hard place . . .

We’ve missed you, Mountain Ash . . .

mountain ash again

mountain ash

Just when we think you’ve abandoned us for dead, you show up in some tea-drinking douchebag’s laboratory.

nope drinking tea

“That’s Sir Tea-Drinking Douchebag to you!”

(Screw recapping, I’m going to move to Beacon Hills and start a side business selling Mountain Ash to assorted evil-doers . . . and the occasional Scooby Gang Member.  I’ll call it Mountain Ash R’Us, and it’s going to make me enough money to retire in two years tops . . .)

counting the money

Now, I understand that this scene was meant to set the stage for The Chemist’s mass infection of our Scooby Gang with Zombie Werewolf Disease, but, logically, why was it necessary for our Assassin of the Week to use a random no-name wolf as his Crash Test Dummy?  Hadn’t he already confirmed his virus a success after massacring an ENTIRE PACK OF WEREWOLVES in the open woods?

deadest

I’m going to guess the virus works . .  .

One would think that letting the virus loose in an open space would be child’s play in comparison to that.  Just saying . . .

Anywhoo, sucks to be THAT werewolf . .  .because he’s looking ROUGH.

grosser

Needless to say, I don’t think this scene will make it on to this actor’s Sizzle Reel . . .

Meanwhile, back at the McCall house, Scott has stolen his mom’s old cassette player, so he and Stiles can listen to instructions on how to murder half the population of Beacon Hills, while staring at a sh*t ton of money in a duffelbag, and contemplating stealing $500,000 from one of their closest friends.

what do we do

Just think about how many t-shirts with whimsical sayings on them Stiles could buy with half a million dollars!

studd mufffin drink coffee do good

(Remember the good old days, where a night of fun for teenagers was a good old fashioned keggar at the house of a kid whose parents are away for the weekend, the possibility of underage sex, and a night filled with generalized debauchery and really bad choices?   *sigh* Kids today . . . they just don’t know what they are missing.)

Evil Planus Interruptus

Malia runs up to Scott’s room unannounced to tell Scott and Stiles that Satomi’s back is mostly / almost all dead, and that Derek is currently carrying future love interest Braeden to the hospital like the BAMF he is.  (You’ll have to excuse Malia for not calling or texting first.  After all, she has been a coyote for the last eight years of her life.)

hiding it

 

not what you think

whatchu up to

“I used to hump trees.  I don’t judge.”

 

Meanwhile over at everyone’s favorite veterinarian’s office . . .

the vet ac

“Thanks, but I’m pretty much the only veterinarian on TV, since that sitcom starring the talking monkey got cancelled after two episodes.”

It is a dark and stormy night . . .

dark and stormy night

Beacon Hills . . . the only place where the entrance to the local vet’s office, looks just as ominous and foreboding as the entrance to the nuthouse . . .

eichen house

Deaton is trying to lock up shop for the evening when he is attacked by a black hooded avenger skilled in the art of Samurai .  . .

battle it out

Cue the slow-mo Matrix homage to techo music . . .

But who is this Black Hooded Avenger?

fighting stance

Is it another assassin?

big gun

Neo?

matrix1

A teenage mutant ninja turtle?

ninja

Nahhh, it’s just this senior citizen . . .

its mee

. . . apparently, “trying to hack your weiner off with a sword” is a traditional Japanese Werewolf Greeting.

(You’ll have to excuse Satomi for not calling or texting first . . . she’s really, really old.)

Test Anxiety

With Daraches, Kanimas, Death Destroyers of Worlds, Assassins without Mouths, and Evil Japanese spirits on their tail each week, it’s sometimes easy to forget that Scott, Stiles and Co. are just your average mid twenty-somethings, who have been playing high school students for the last five years of their lives (two and a half of which has been spent on their ridiculously long junior year).

ephemeral

Enter the PSAT episode . ..

psat

It’s a rite of passage for many a high school drama . . .

we can survive

Most of those high school dramas, however, don’t start their Very Special PSAT Episodes off with a massive outbreak of a deadly virus . . .

sleepig

sleepdrool

Not a hickey . . .

rash

Definitely not a hickey . . .

another rash

Perhaps, Worst Banshee Ever, Lydia should take some lessons in Death Intuition from her Mommy Dearest, who showed some surprise brilliance in being the first person to determine that the rashes that were appearing on students and teachers alike were, in fact, the trademark signs of a deadly disease.   (And then showed some surprise stupidity, by fondling all the infected with her bare hands . . .)

touching

Hello?  At least spring for some Purell?

(BTW, did anyone find it strange that Mama Martin, though clearly exposed to the virus, never showed any signs of illness, even though there was no evidence that she ever ingested the antidote?  Later evidence in the episode suggests that Lydia may have gotten her banshee powers from her father’s side . . . more on that in a bit . . . but clearly her mother is no supernatural slouch, either.)

The Banana Men Cometh

bannana men

Be honest, if the CDC weren’t obviously the terrifying harbingers of Death and Rare Inexplicable Sudden Onset Illness, you’d think they were pretty funny looking, wouldn’t you?

banana

Yellow Space Suit is the NewBlack Big Bird  . . .

Anyone who has been under the age of ten in the last century or so, undoubtedly remembers the concept of cooties, or as we used to call them the [insert outcast’s name here] Touch.  The idea was not so much that having bodily contact with an outcast would cause your body to be infested with some sort of made-up bug, but rather that it would make you also become an outcast, which, to a ten-year old, was a fate far worse than any sort of real or imagined bug infestation.

cootie

Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you have the cootie shot.

Circle, circle, square, square, now you have it everywhere .  . .

I mean, sure, on some level, I think most kids recognize that the concept of cooties is fake and mean-spirited bullying . . . that you can’t become like someone, just from touching them.  But still most of us believed it enough to scoot over in our seats, when the supposedly infected walked past.

can't sit with us

Fear is a powerful motivator.  And while the common practice of Disease Control to treat all exposed subjects as infected, until proven otherwise (even if that means quarantining them together with the already infected, thus ensuring that their likelihood of actually becoming infected themselves is greatly increased), is definitely the smartest method of preventing the unnecessary  spread of disease, it’s also super shitty for the uninfected quarantined, who undoubtedly are made to feel like nine-year olds wrongly classified by their peers as having “cooties.”

I think Jeff Davis did a nice job here of showing the impact an implied “accusation of infection” has on a heretofore healthy person, without beating us over the head too much with the point . . .

But then, everyone got sick anyway, so that point was made moot . . .

owwwww

 

Sounds like some serious indigestion . . .

In Which Lydia Martin Talks to Stuff . . .

Poor Lydia, it feels as though she’s spent the entire season talking to inanimate objects and not getting a response . . .

listening

“Hello, Record Player.  You look extra special pretty today.  Is that a new turntable?  Does this ponytail make me look fat?”

mer con

“Poor box.  Do you ever wish you were some other shape?  Something less . . . I don’t know . . . boxy, like an hourglass maybe?”

stuff

“I bought you something, empty bottle of old lady perfume!  Look, it’s dead flowers.  I bet you both smell alike!”

Kudos to actress Holland Rhoden for taking a sort of crap storyline, that has pretty much permanently isolated her from the rest of the cast, and turned it into acting gold.  You can truly feel the red-headed banshee’s anguish, disappointment and guilt as she ponders questions with no easy answers.

im sorry wish i

Meredith and Lydia were never exactly the kind of girls you’d imagine being fast friends with one another . . .

meredith

Socially awkward Meredith, with her strange taste, odd affectations, and general inability to relate to the general public, was undoubtedly the target of more than her share of “Cootie Rumors” in high school . . .

. . . and they were probably made by girls who looked and acted a lot like Lydia.

lydia smirk

That said, the pair of banshees did share a definite connection in the few scenes they shared with one another.  And that connection, if this photograph is any indication, is more than meets the eye . . .

creepy

Count on Meredith to cherish a sepia-toned picture of herself taken in the most dull and nondescript location possible .  . .

The simplest explanation for Meredith having a photograph of herself taken at Lydia’s lake house, is that the two women share a relative.  Could Meredith have been the secret lovechild of Papa Martin?   I suspect we will learn the answer in the next week or two . . .

Suffice it to say, Lydia sadly missed out on the opportunity to use her magical powers to save Meredith.  (And by Magical Powers I mean “talent for fashion and haircare.”)  It might not have saved her life, but girlfriend’s corpse would look totally fierce . . .

awesome lyd pic

Divide and Conquer

When Scott, Malia and Kira start showing signs of infection, it immediately becomes clear that their symptoms are not the same as the rashes, uncontrollable sweating, dizziness, fever and fainting experienced by the human population.

Notably, no humans suffering from the virus experience this . . .

cant change back

. . . or this . . .

bleeding from fingers

not retract

. . . and most definitely not this . . .

shocking

. . . which, of course, is precisely why The Chemist’s assassin strategy is more effective than that of his predecessors.  He simply releases the virus into the air where he assumes supernatural creatures will be, and, before he knows it, they are literally “dying” to reveal themselves  .  . .

This is why Scott and Co. need to go into hiding, like, yesterday . . .

how to get in

. . .not to mention the fact that allowing the werewolves, foxes and coyotes to mingle with the human population in their current state, seems like the most obvious way to expose their identities, not just to assassins, but to the rest of the natural world . . . something they are not quite ready to do.

Welcome back Weird, Creepy, Hale Vault under the high school!  For about the third time this season, you have become the perfect plot device  . . .

sucka

Weird, Creepy, Hale Vault has officially become the new Mountain Ash . . .

But who will open it to let them in?

not telling

I know  . . . how about the girl who is a Hale, but doesn’t yet know she’s a Hale, because no one bothered to tell her about her true paternity . . .

opens the door

“Can you open the vault?”  Scott asks sweetly.  “You are the only one here with .  . . um, really long nails . . .” he offers, more or less.

Malia looks dubious, and a bit mistrustful, having determined by now, that, yes, her new friends (and boyfriend) are definitely hiding something from her . . .

malia nails

. . . but she says nothing and complies.

Stiles decides to quarantine himself with his buddies, to ensure that they will have some form of human flesh to eat when they inevitably wolf out uncontrollably, due to the virus . . .

going to die

Smart guy!

You’re Coming Back, Right?

While Derek drools over his new love interest’s bed at the hospital?

moony

hears

That didn’t take long!”

Deaton finally discovers the source of the virus that is wreaking havoc on the wolf population of Beacon Hills.  Apparently, it’s a weaponized form of canine distemper .  . .

sad dog

Thank you, Teen Wolf, for teaching me about a new dog disease!

Back at school, Stiles volunteers to leave the vault, and let the massive hordes camped outside the school know that Scott, Lydia, and Malia are OK . . . you know . . . apart from dying a painful death and stuff.

leave mal

Malia makes Stiles promise to come back for her and he does.

All together now . . . awwwwww .  . .

the gift of tp

Back at the vet’s office, Derek has now arrived, just in time to reminisce with old grandma Satomi about this stinky tea she and his mom used to drink together.

talk about tea

 

“And it’s filled with vitamins, and antioxidants, and keeps me looking way younger than my 1,000 years of age.”

Hello, Derek!   People are dying here.  Save the Lipton Commercial for later Mmm-kay!

But wait!  Apparently, the tea is (conveniently) the cure to canine distemper, it’s the reason Satomi managed to stay alive, while most of the rest of her pack croaked.  (Take that coffee, soda and Red Bull drinkers!)

lightbulb-idea

But how do we get the tea to Scott and co., before they all die, and this show has to change its name from Teen Wolf to Teen Nothing . . .?

dancing stiles moon

Also known as The Stiles Show . . .

Of course, the Magical Tea is already in the vault!  And why wouldn’t it be?  Secret vaults are the absolute best places to hide everything!  From $117 million in bearer bonds to useless medallions, to teens dying of Dead Dog Disease, to gross tea made out of mushrooms!

mischeivous stiles

You know what else I bet is in the vault?

mountain ash

Meanwhile, Scott, Kira and Malia have all gone blind, which means they only have a few more minutes to find the stinky mushroom tea and snort it, preferably before the final credits roll . . .

wake uppppp stiles

Visual Confirmation Required

Stiles figures out that Coach caught the virus by “borrowing” the stamp pad used to fingerprint the PSAT test takers, after his red one ran out of ink.

approved

“I was wondering how that idiot got sick?”   The Chemist muses, having gone into full-on villain mode, now that we have less than ten minutes left in the episode, and it’s become clear he’s not going to be invited back for an encore . . .

im evil

Like this guy . . .

waiting

Might as well go out in a blaze of glory, right?

And apparently, this blaze involves a gun with a silencer that The Chemist easily snuck into Beacon Hills High, because Beacon Hills High has the Worst Security EVER.

gun with silencer

 

this sucks shot

“This day could have gone better.  Not going to lie . . .”

Stiles threatens to shoot Stiles if he doesn’t tell the Chemist where his supernatural friends are dying . . . er . . . I mean, hiding.  And Stiles, bless his heart, refuses to talk, even if it means giving up his life for the rest of the pack, when he is the only one for whom this virus is not deadly.

cryin

“At least now if I croak, I finally won’t have to worry about dying a virgin.”

The Chemist puts a gun to Stiles head and BLAM, Stiles’ face is covered in blood . . .

confused and crying

“Death is wetter and saltier than I imagined.”

. . . but not his own.

plip

“Such a clean death . . .  Must be from all the tea I’ve been drinking . . . *winks before dropping dead, as the Lipton logo appears over his face*”

banana savior

All hail the Banana Man!  This episode’s true hero, whose bullet magically managed to make it into the back of the Chemists brain and out the front, but conveniently dropped to the floor before harming our leading man, despite that the latter was standing mere inches away at eye level . . .

Unmask yourself, Banana Man!

here i am me

 

“It’s MEEEEEE!  YAY!”

Wow!  Was not expecting that . . .

No time to discuss the years of therapy Stiles will undoubtedly have to endure throughout his adulthood, for what just happened to him (and . . . you know . . . the whole Japanese possession thing), Papa McCall has a message for Stiles from Deaton and Co. . . “Get the mushroom tea.  Save the Werewolves!  Save the World!”

think like stiles

Stiles rushes to tell his blind friends through the vault about how their cure has been sitting mere inches away from them this whole time!   (Go figure!)

Fortunately for the Scooby Gang, only blindness (not deafness) is a symptom of canine distemper. And so Scott manages to “smell” the tea, knock it down and expose it to the air in the vault in just the knick of time.  Everyone is saved . . .

gross tea again

Maybe  . . .

More Money, More Problems . . .

Back at the hospital Satomi faces off against another assassin.  This one is a plain old vanilla shooter, and as such, she is defeated easily by the little lady who is a few centuries her senior . . .

killing matrix dance grr got that was weird

Less easily managed is the reaction no-longer-blind Malia has to finally seeing her name on the Deadpool list . ..

malia hale

scared peter - Copy

The good news is that Scott and Stiles no longer have to lie to her.  The bad news is, it looks like they won’t be talking to her either . . .

walk out

Ouch . . . that’s cold.

Next week on Teen Wolf, Scott practices a skill most canines know well .  . . playing dead . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

teenwolfmtvstyles

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Death Becomes Them – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Orphaned”

a lot like death

This was a pretty bloody one, Werebangers! It appears that no one was safe from the Grim Reaper’s mighty scythe this week on Teen Wolf ...

Not these rejected extras from the cast of Sons of Anarchy . . .

corp

Or this unfortunate pack of nomadic hippy Buddhist werewolves (who inexplicably cobbled enough money to send one of their own to Prep SCHOOL?) . . .

deader

I guess selling alcohol to minors is a more lucrative undertaking than we thought . . .

hate my job

Too soon?

Not Beacon Hill’s increasingly sparse population of cops (which may be a bit of a secret relief to Sheriff Stilinski, seeing as the entire station house looks roughly the size of a bathroom) . . .

dead guy on floor

Or loveable, possibly autistic, banshees with really cool hair . . .

strang

And certainly not Evil!Macauley Culkin . . .

slice

Macaulay-Culkin-5393890

. . . and his EVIL-I-ER girlfriend . . .

deda aga

But all was not Doom and Gloom in this week’s episode entitled “Orphaned” . . .

There were golden farts . . . (which, BTW, are way funnier than clear farts)

gold fart

And happy reunions . . .

face off

And there was hugging . . .

stydia

. . . lots . . .

hug 1

 

. . . and lots . . .

hug pet

. . . of hugging . . .

another hug

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty shout out to Andre for the spectacular screencaps you see here. Capturing all 31 Flavors of Scott McCall’s Confused Facial Expressions is by no means an easy job! But someone has to do it.]

trademark scott face

scott bullet

scott wolfed

ephemeral

There’s Just Something About a Mixtape . . .

More impressive than anything else that happened in this episode, to me, anyway, was the fact that someone on Teen Wolf’s production crew was able to find (1) a store that still sells cassette tapes; and even more shocking, (2) a car with a built in tape deck.

tape deck

Screw the Deadpool! That jalopy Kate was sleeping in was clearly a classic. She could have raked in some serious G’s selling that thing!

And while Kate at least seems old enough that she would know what to do with the strange clear plastic rectangle placed before her while she slept . . .

ep 8 hungry kate

Not born yesterday . . .

I’m thinking the highly specific instructions on the tape . . .

instructions

. . . came in very handy for Evil!Macauley and Co., who probably assumed they had inadvertently stumbled upon the protype for the iPhone 6.

gives me joy

Psst! Jeff Davis, your age is showing . . .

And while I like to consider myself more a descendant of the MP3 Generation (OK . . . so, maybe I’m more of a Compact Disc Child, but there’s no need to point fingers.), I must admit there’s something a bit more personal about a lovingly compiled mixtape, than the “cool playlist” you uploaded to all your Facebook Friends on the cloud last week, in less than three minutes. For one thing, mixtapes make it that much more difficult to ignore your friends’ and significant others’ more idiosyncratic music tastes . . .

gave her a mix tape

“If I have to fast forward through another Justin Bieber song, I’m going to scream!”

crying jess

But I digress . . . a lot . . .

This week’s Teen Wolf episode opens to a flashback to 25 years earlier, when people still used cassette tapes four weeks earlier, when Hobo Kate woke up in a run-down sports car on a rainy night to find a new tape in her heretofore completely ignored tape deck . . .

Undoubtedly eager to hear some new Werejaguar Workout tunes, Kate quickly slips the tape into the cassette deck and presses “play.”

seth wanna play theocalltheway

So, of course, you could imagine how pissed off she is to find that the substance of the tape is much less “Jock Jams” and much more “National Geographic: Werewolf Edition,” complete with the trademark sleepy voice of some guy straight out of central voiceover casting for The Discovery Channel . . .

bad mix tape

Kate’s out for REVENGE!

So, she text messages all her cuddly bear friends . . .

carebear stareee mama bear bear in supermarket

And the group head out on an Assassin Murder Spree . . .

“Who made me this crappy mixtape, that doesn’t include a single song by Katy Perry?” She demands furiously! (Come on, we all know Kate’s a big fan of “Roar.”)

roaring

The Biker dudes are clueless, offering up only the fairly unhelpful informational tidbit that Evil!Macauley received the same mixtape, and was equally annoyed because it included no songs by One Direction.

tok

So Kate and the Bad News Bears eviscerate their asses. (But in Papa Bear’s defense, he at least looks like he feels kind of guilty about it . . .)

hang in there

blood on face

“Poor guy! He had great style. Remind me to ask Mason what gets blood stains out of leather?”

Little Orphan Violet

You ever see the straight-to-video sequel to Annie, where Annie’s slightly less nauseatingly adorable bunkmate Violet gets told by Miss Hannigan to “make these floors shine like the top of the Chrysler Building” one too many times, and decapitates her drunk ass with a thermal cut wire, before escaping the orphanage to seek vengeance on evil adults everywhere?

annie

No?

Your loss. That was a damn good movie!

Back at school, Violet gets an evil glint in her eye, when she finds herself getting strong-armed by Deputy Parrish, a.k.a. Jordan Parrish, and it’s not just because he looked so good naked in the promos . . .

arrested

phoenix

He’s on the Deadpool! And worth a cool $5 million.

parrish

Papa McCall takes this opportunity to taunt Violet about her parent-less-ness, as he offers a paternal wink back at his son Scott, perhaps, reminding him that having a “sh*tty, alcoholic, absentee dad,” is way better than having no dad at all . . . kind of . . .

ep 8 mean scott

Meanwhile, over at the Vet . . .

Is it Rabies?   Because it kind of looks like Rabies . . .

cant hold him

Douchebag Brett is naked on Deaton’s operating table.   (Hey Deaton, how are you getting all the hot males to disrobe for you?)   He’s frothing at the mouth, and seizing something fierce. Stiles and Derek are trying to hold him down, but failing miserably, because Kate has kidnapped Derek’s Were Balls, and Stiles is . . . well . . . Stiles.

der funny face ha

out of shape stiles

It just occurred to me that these two haven’t had the opportunity to share much screentime of late, so it’s kind of nice to see them grunting and sweating on each other, for old time’s sake . . .

big sterek 2

Then, Peter comes and clocks Douchebag Brett in the face, like it’s his job . . .

evil peter pan

Derek seems suspicious. Then again, maybe he’s just jealous of Peter’s hypnotic baby blues . . .

wolfing again

“You have beautiful eyes. I used to have beautiful eyes, before I had slightly less beautiful red eyes . . . and then I had beautiful blue eyes again (Sniffle).”

torn up derek 2

Deaton then takes the opportunity to cut into Douchebag Brett’s tummy and emit a noxious gas.

gold fart

Too much Taco Bell?

“Three things that don’t wish to be hidden, the Sun, the Moon, the Truth,” Douchebag Brett chants . . .

Hey, Werebangers, that sounds like the annoying catch phrase of the about-to-be-killed? Doesn’t it?

nodding oh yeah

Deaton remarks that the phrase is actually Buddhist, which causes Derek to make the connection between these targeted werewolves, and the only over 18 Asian woman he knows, aside from Kira’s mom . . .

sato

Derek, that’s a little racist. I’m not going to lie . ..

Mo Money, Mo Problems . . .

Back at school, Scott finds Evil!Macauley’s Deadpool stash conveniently hidden in his gym locker. (Dude was a professional assassin, but didn’t think to invest in a safe deposit box for his millions of dollars in Benefactor dough? What a schmuck!)

money bag

dollar signs

Scott then stealthily lies to Liam about finding the money. Though, I’m not sure how he managed to explain to the Beta wolf why, if he “found nothing,” in the killers locker, he still decided to leave the lockers with his massive red gym bag in tow.

no idea what im doing

“I find smelly gym socks a major turn on. It’s a True Alpha thing.”

Also, not to be nitpicky, but with a serial killer on the run, wouldn’t even the most rudimentary police officer think to immediately commandeer all of the contents of said killer’s locker as evidence?

sheriff do not remove

Just saying . . .

Back at the McCall House, Mama McCall is pleading with the electric company to turn her power back on. Apparently, she’s three months late on her bills, despite the fact that she’s pretty much the only employee still alive at the Beacon Hills Hospital. Now, if those aren’t grounds for a major raise, I don’t know what is!

fridge

Not to mention the fact that Scott’s dad, the Big Fancy FBI Guy, has been crashing on the couch for months, basically rent free. Hello? Child support!

5 20 pay back time

All of this is a roundabout way of saying, Scott’s kind of poor, but probably shouldn’t be . . .

Either way, that Deadpool money currently sitting under his bed (and right under Big Fancy FBI Guy’s nose) is looking mighty appetizing to him, right about now . . .

under bed

Friends with (Death) Benefits . . .

The whole dynamic Liam shares with his froshie pals is honestly a bit confusing. We are led to believe that Mason is his adorable gay best friend for life, despite the fact that the two kids apparently didn’t attend the same school until just a few months prior. Maybe . . .

confused liam

(Help me out, Lacrosse Fans. Is this generally a fall sport, or a spring one?   Because we know the season just started.)

Granted, Mason and Liam could have been childhood neighbors, who were lifelong friends, despite NOT going to the same school. But that doesn’t explain the pair’s being supposedly so tight with Garrett and Violet. Two “kids” who seemingly transferred to Beacon Hills High for the sole purpose of crashing Liam’s and Mason’s lame weekly “Movie Nights.”

the new class

“Hey, who is up for watching Teen Wolf 2? I hear the guy from Arrested Development was awesome in it?”

No matter. After the events of this week’s episode, it is pretty safe to say, after the events of this week’s installment of Teen Wolf, the bromance between Mason, Liam and Garrett is DUNZO!

bust

unfriend you

runn blood on groun

“Wait, let me get some salt. It will wash the blood stains right out of this concrete!”

Nothing says, “you are no longer part of my social circle,” like throwing your former pal into a really, really deep water-logged Hole of Schmutz, not unlike the place where James Franco chopped off his arm in 127 Hours . . .

in mud help

can't sit with us

“You can’t sit with us.”

Follow my nose . . .

follow your nose

By the way, did you know that Froot Loops are all the same flavor. As someone who has eaten froot loops, just about every day, since she got her first baby teeth, and literally just learned this five minutes ago, I feel your pain, if your mind has just been blown . . .”

In this week’s installment of Teen Wolf, Malia fully cements herself as part of the pack, by proudly becoming the last cast member to be inappropriately stalked by Derek on school grounds . . .

your trn

yumm

Since, Derek’s schnoz has been a bit on the fritz lately, and Malia is an old pro when it comes to smelling poo in coyote caves, and fear in lacrosse stands, everyone’s favorite Former Alpha recruits the sassy werecoyote for a little school day game of “Find the Buddhist Were Pack and warn them of impending death.”

Malia is more than happy to go along for the ride, since her boyfriend Stiles spends every even episode with Lydia, and this is one of them.

malia nails

Finding a bullet in the grass leads Malia to determine that Brett’s pack of Buddhist wolves has gone into hiding. (I hope they brought Froot Loops!)

Thinking like her boyfriend . . .

think like stiles

. . . leads Malia to determine that the pack is hiding in place infused with Buddhist meaning . . .the easternmost point in Beacon Hills.

east point

(Congratulations Malia, your nose has officially just become more useful to the Scooby Gang than Lydia’s annoying screaming . . .)

lyd screams

Too bad you and Derek are already too late.

deadest

In your defense, attractive Were-cousins. A pack that thinks lying out in an open field is an effective hiding strategy kind of deserve to bite it . . .

I’m guess Evil!Macauley and Violet poisoned their food supply with the yellow fart wolfsbane?

macaulay_culkin

That sucks. What’s worse, I bet all this could have totally been avoided, if they just ate Froot Loops, like I said in the first place. . .

Amidst the wreckage, Derek finds one lone survivor. Braden the Mercenary . . .

located her

“Well, I’m not technically a werewolf, so wolfsbane doesn’t work on me. Also, I can’t die yet, because you and I haven’t boned, Der Bear. Didn’t you watch the Comic Con trailers?”

“I like you. I’m going to keep you.”

like you

going to keep

Deputy Parrish (Please don’t end up being evil, Deputy Parrish. Because, the way Meredith looked at you, in this week’s scene, it kind of seemed like you might by the Benefactor, i.e. Evil. And I really don’t want you to be evil. You are so pretty!) gains major points with our Scoobies, by (1) having a little self-deprecating sense of humor about his impending demise . . .

5 dollars kill self large

. . . and not being above using a bit of bribery to get Stiles and Lydia into Eichen House, where they will once again seek Meredith’s help in determining which of Lydia’s dead friends was lucky enough to be the code to crack the final third of the Deadpool list.

I think Stiles has even developed a little man crush on the guy . . .

hi stiles

Meredith, however, is slightly less charmed, and understandably so. After all, what good has helping the Scooby Gang got her so far, apart from being targeted by the Benefactor, and berated by the Ginger.

leave me alone

go away

She never even got to bone Isaac, for crying out loud!

isaac scarf

 

I wouldn’t help them if I was you, either Meredith . . .

That said, I probably wouldn’t have gone as far as this banshee in making my refusal known. “No means no,” for sure.

strang

But self strangulation, means, “Definitely not.”

(Assuming Meredith actually did strangle herself. Does anyone else smell the possibility of foul play? Follow your nose . . .)

she did

stydia

We’ll miss you, Meredith.   Here’s hoping a smirking Daniel Sharman clone is waiting for you in that big Banshee-Friendly Eichen House in the Sky . . .

meredith

It’s an Evil!Macaulay Kabob (Tastes like Chicken!)

Elsewhere on campus, Evil!Macaulay is engaging Scott in some good old-fashioned blackmail.   “Stop my boo from getting transferred to Alcatraz, and I won’t let your Mini-Me get poisoned to death,” he offers helpfully.

hoodie man

As the two sort-of enemies head out on their dastardly stakeout, we know Scott means business, because he’s wearing a hoodie . . .

I don’t think I’ve seen Scott wear a hoodie in the entire four seasons of this series. I like it . . .

2 9 you hot big

But by the time Scott and Evil!Macauleyreach the car transporting Violet, which is conveniently being chaperoned by Deputy Stilinski and Papa McCall, natch . . ., the Berserkers have already done Scott’s job for him . . .

sleeping

I’d say this car has been successfully stopped. Wouldn’t you?

“Violet’s already gone,” Scott warns.

But Douchey Evil!Macauley isn’t smart enough to take no for an answer, he starts showing off his mad fencing skills to the Berserkers, who, for the record, seem less than impressed. (Of course, that may be because their helmets make it difficult to enjoy all the fancy swordplay to its fullest.)

slice

R.I.P. Garrett, best of luck in Home Alone 7 . . .

Violet, you’re turning Violet!

Upon learning that Kate is responsible for kidnapping Violet, and Violet is the only person left alive (haha), who knows where Liam has been stored, Deaton and Scott call upon Chris Argent, who brings the pair to a place conveniently called “Argent Arms.” Talk about a sh*tty hiding place for someone named “Argent!”

argent arms

Apparently, no one in Beacon Hills ever played the game hide and seek as a child.

“I thought we could do this later,” Kate muses, upon being confronted.

tumblr_n9q3heOpV01qggrzoo7_250

That doesn’t mean her and her Bears aren’t up for a fight. And while the Grizzlies don’t quite kill Scott and Chris (because Kate won’t let them) . . .

. . . they do toss them around quite a bit. And Scott gets tossed right into Violet . . .

deda aga

“At least now you can be reunited with your parents . . . and your boyfriend . . . and your boyfriend’s parents. And three-quarters of the cast of this episode. Hey, I wonder if they have Movie Night in Hell.”

Somewhere in Beacon Hills, Mason is coming up with some really great tips to get Berserker Murder Stains out of denim jackets . . .

Coming Soon to a Coffin Near You . . .

Upon determining that the third key to the Deadpool might not be someone who is already dead, but rather someone who will die before the show’s hiatus, Stiles and Lydia quickly uncover the list using Derek’s name, a good guess, seeing as the character has “fake died,” at least twice every season.

derek

A few interesting things to note about the third list. First, it includes Liam, despite the fact that the Teenier Wolf was only bitten a few weeks ago at most, after all this killing started. (You recall, he was bitten when Scott was trying to save him from Wendigo Sean, after the latter was tracked down by The Mute.)

malia hale

confused liam

This means that either the third list was created sometime after the first two, OR that the Benefactor has some Banshee-like powers of omniscience.

Second, the list refers to Malia as a “Hale,” as opposed to “Tate,” the name of her surrogate dad on the show. Malia’s true parentage is particularly rare known fact on this show, one that, at least we are led to believe is still a mystery to Malia herself, her clueless biological father, Peter, and, pretty much, everyone in Beacon Hills apart from The Scooby Gang.

smirky peter

Given that, it seems strange that The Benefactor would be so willing to give that information out to every assassin of supernaturals, within a 20 mile radius . . .

Speaking of Peter, I don’t recall seeing him on the list (did I miss him?), which would seem to make him a prime suspect as The Benefactor, one who could have easily coordinated the “heist” of his own money, and used it to eliminate the supernatural competition, rendering him Alpha Supreme in Beacon Hills.

lit your fire

Of course, a smart Benefactor, who also happened to be of supernatural origin would put himself on the list to avoid such suspicion . . .

Someone like this guy?

handsome thank you

Then again, perhaps, the true Benefactor is someone a bit more surprising . . . someone who has flown a bit more under the radar recently . . . a person whose smart enough to frame a fellow former Teen Wolf villain as his (or her) pawn . . .

gerard scott

mom bat

ep 10 shirtless danny

Just a thought . . .

Here’s Howling at You, Kid!

Right about the time all hope seems lost for Sexy But Illegal Liam, he gives out a howl, leading Scott to uncover his location, and bring him back to Deaton’s for the “golden fart” treatment, just in time . . .

howl

resc

It is at the vet’s office that Scott has his annual epiphany. “No one else should die on this show . . . not even the extras,” Scott announces determinedly.

great power

Yeah, good luck with that . . .

Elsewhere, in a dank, dirty sewer, two rats make a deal with one another. One seeks control and acceptance back into her family fold, despite the monster she has become . . .

take a shower found me pete and kate

The other seeks . . . wait for it . . . POWER.

always been the alpha

Next week on Teen Wolf, everyone gets the Ebola virus and dies.

surprised-face

Nah, I’m just monkeying around.

Get it, monkeying . . . Ebola virus?

eye roll jackson

Too soon?

nodding oh yeah

Until next time, Werebangers!

dancing stiles again

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Filed under Teen Wolf

Target Practice – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “I.E.D”

i e d

walking time bomb

Fortune may, in fact, favor the bold, Werebangers.  But only the Bold and the Beautiful.  Not the Bold and the Moronic . . .

surrounded by idiots

Whether you’re an athlete, a writer, a sexual Adonis, or a trained assassin,  dreaming big is admirable.  But starting small will give you much greater odds at achieving success in the long run.

ep 5 running derek

It’s a shirtless marathon, not a shirtless sprint.

Preserve your resources.  Set manageable goals.  Practice.  No sense blowing your load, only to find yourself totally unprepared, just when the stakes are at their highest . . .

going to die

In this week’s installment of Teen Wolf, our scrappy Scooby Gang each, in their  own way, grappled with  this very important life lesson . . .

Both Kira and Papa Argent learned that flying solo, and not being a team player, can have dire consequences .  . .

fall

Lydia learned that small numbers can lead to large discoveries.

samsung phone

Scott and Liam learned that impulsivity and jumping to conclusions, often leads to bad decision making.

bad scott

And Little Baddies, Garrett and Violet, learned that greedy egomaniacs make for super sh*tty assassins.  Don’t walk before you can run.   And don’t try to kill an Alpha, when a Beta is worth almost as much cash . . .

finish-him-o

Let’s recap, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

[As always, a big howling shout out to Andre, whose supernaturally brilliant screencapping abilities would undoubtedly garner him a dangerously high rank on the Beacon Hills Deadpool, if the Benefactor was aware of his existence (or enjoyed reading completely obscure Teen Wolf recaps in his or her spare time).]

And . . . another one bites the dust . . .

Poor, sweet, blonde Carrie Hudson.

blonde and soon to be dead

We barely knew yee . . . or yee hand.

stumphand_applause

 Too soon?

For what it’s worth, C-Dog, it was your haircolor that doomed you to death.  Blondes have historically fared ridiculously poorly on this show . . . where it seems that fortune, in fact, favors the brunette . . . and, in some cases, the ginger . . .

dead erica

dead heather

(My personal theory on this, is that Jeff Davis once had a blonde boyfriend, who did him particularly dirty.)

gives me joy

Also, Carrie, not to be rude to the deceased, but at 23, you are most certainly old enough to know not to take car rides, from guys who look like the Mild Mannered Serial Killer / Rapist from pretty much every episode of Law and Order:SVU I have ever seen . . .

creep

swack

big mis

big mistake huge

“The Sun, the Moon, the Truth,” repeat both Carrie the Blonde and DeMarco the Creepy Beer Distributor, just moments before their respective untimely demises?

glowy

More like The Headless, the Handless, and the “just enough cliched pre-death lines to earn you a SAG card   . . .”

Storyboard Time!

the board

I’m going to go out on a limb here, and guess that Stiles’ “red taped” unsolved mystery crime board looks nearly identical to the storyboard currently housed in the writers room at Teen Wolf headquarters.  That said, as far as methods of revealing painstakingly complex plot synopses in a somewhat natural manner go, this one was pretty solid.   As Stiles basically recapped the first few episodes of Season 4 of Teen Wolf to his dad, us fans learned a few new tidbits about the series’ mythology that hadn’t yet been explicitly revealed in the context of the story proper.  For one thing, the code name “Allison,” that Lydia discovered at the end of last week’s episode, only cracked a third of the Deadpool Code.  This would explain why known supernaturals, like Peter Hale, Malia, and Kira’s mom, weren’t on the first list.

big prob

We also learned the reason why Derek’s and Scott’s numeric “value” seemed so much lower than, say, the random wendigo family killed in the first episode.  Basically, the reason is that, unlike the apparently lame wendigos, whose deaths were only worth $250K a piece (chump change), Derek’s and Scott’s decapitated, pretty, but not particularly bright, brains are worth . . . wait for it . . . millions of dollars . . .

dr-evil

Any chance the actual benefactor is Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers series?

Also worth millions dead, and much less alive?  Kira, Lydia, and pretty much anyone else with top billing on this show.  (I wonder if the cast members have tried using their deadpool $ amounts to negotiate their salaries for next season.  Just a thought . .  .)

borrow money

Apparently, all these seemingly random monetary sums are meant to add up to $117 million, which is precisely the amount “stolen” (Though I’m still not entirely convinced that Peter Hale didn’t orchestrate the entire thing.), from the Hale vault at the end of Episode 2 . . .

always been the alpha

Given all that, the task of our Scooby Gang and the Beacon Hills PD should be pretty easy, right?  Decode the rest of the Deadpool, save the lives of a few supernaturals, and/or use them as bait to capture and eventually bring down The Benefactor, thus foiling his (or her) master plan to rid California of hot sexy shirtless folks with bad teeth and really unnatural looking colored contacts . . .

derek alpha

Correction,  it would be easy, if Banshee Lydia spent more time using her supposedly “genius” IQ to crack the codes, and less time doodling and getting hypnotized by record players (which, for what its worth, folks her age shouldn’t even know how to work, seeing as I’m pretty sure that nobody in the world has played a record since sometime in the mid 80’s.)

because i got high

“I was gonna crack the code, but I got high . . . I was going to save all my friends from death, but I got high.  Now, I’m the only castmate left on the show, and I know why, yeah, because I got high, because I got high, because I got high . . .”

My, what a big stick you have!

mad and broody

soulful

“Wise I am, totally platonic, our relationship is . . .”

Promptly stepping into Danny’s shoes as the oddly perceptive (not to mention good at getting unsightly stains out of carpets) “token gay friend,” new guy  Mason casually remarks on how odd it is that Creepy Garrett seems to be lying about where he lives, and Creepy (but hot) Liam is likely on drugs, based on his more-hyperactive-than-usual tendencies,  sudden inexplicable bursts of energy, and Hulk-like strength.  He also brings Liam some Bad News.  It turns out the Beacon Hills lacrosse team is scheduled to scrimmage none-other-than Liam’s old snotty, rich kid, prep school .  . . you know, the one he got kicked out of for vandalizing his coach’s car.

bastard rr

To say Liam is unhappy with this turn of events is the understatement of the century . . .

 . . . and . . . to make matters worse, he heads off to the locker room to blow off some steam, only to find this hot older guy malevolently fondling his stick!

breaking

breaky breaky

“Grrrr!  Get your grubby paws off my big stick.”

Silly Liam!  It was just a tease!  Worry not, because Daddy  Scott has your stick (and your balls) safe and sound in his possession! And they can never be broken, or stroked without your consent!  At least, not on his watch!

here you go

Derek watches this exchange between Wolf Daddy and Wolf Baby and finds it positively adorable!  In fact, I don’t think I’ve seen Derek this happy, since the first time he learned how to use a cigarette lighter . . .

good at this

crazy derek

Elsewhere in school, Kira’s dad also engages in a fatherly display of advice to his daughter.  “I don’t care if someone is paying professional assassins millions of dollars to murder you, playing high school lacrosse is much more DANGEROUS,” he warns.

whats this ish

Orange is the new black, and red is new dead!”

And they say fathers no longer know best . . .

Intermittent Explosive Disorder (It’s not just the punchline to your bathroom jokes anymore . . .)

I’m not going to lie, when Liam admitted to Scott and Stiles that he suffered from Intermittent Explosive Disorder, following a rather tense run-in with his old prep school rival, and an impromptu trip fully clothed into the showers, I thought Stiles was going to hand him a bottle of Immodium or some Gas-X, and call it a day.

firm hand

“Please don’t mind my young friend, Liam.  He may seem angry and unstable, but actually he just suffers from explosive diarrhea.”

But apparently, IED a real DSM-diagnosed disease endured by people with SERIOUS anger management issues.  The kind of people who completely destroy their coach’s car, just because he benched them from a few high school lacrosse games .  . .

anger mang

Geez, and we thought Derek had a knack for picking mentally unstable Betas to join his pack . . .

wolf pack turne

wolf-packphotos

Just kidding!

Liam calmly confesses that the reason he doesn’t take his anti-psychotic meds is that they make him sluggish, and unable to perform well at sporting events . . . It’s actually a common complaint of bipolar patients and sufferers of various forms of schizophrenia.   Manic episodes, for all their inherent danger, are actually oddly pleasurable to mania sufferers.  They make them feel alive, strong, even invincible . . . almost like . . . you know . . . werewolves . . .

scott dog dish

To make matters worse, our Scooby Gang has just learned that (1) Surprise! Blonde Carrie’s killer was a lacrosse player, who cleverly hid his murder weapon inside a lacrosse stick (I guess to prevent fingerprints, or just because he had to one up his girlfriend, whose murder weapons double as fashion accessories, and who has access to rare strains of wolfsbane.), and (2) that killer may or may not be Liam’s “good pal” Garrett.

knife wound

lightbulb

Elsewhere on school grounds, Derek and Chris discuss the inevitable “intermittent explosion” that is were-jaguar Kate, how awkward it will be for Chris to have to basically put-down his own sister, and how inconvenient it is for Derek that Kate has apparently, not only stolen his balls, but also his trusty werewolf powers.

ep 11 the lick

werewolf jail

 This is going to end badly . . .

It’s game time, Lacrosse Fans!  Lets whack around some balls, settle some old scores, and stab some folks with wolfsbane-laced lacrosse sticks . . .

teen wolf allison argent stiles

Wait, what?

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

Kira would gladly enter the fray to help her boy toy Scott, but she just got benched for being a ball hog.  Typical fox!  Always biting off more than she can chew (hint, hint, wink wink) . . .

yip

fall

In the center of the field, tensions are high when Liam majorly clashes with his prep school arch rival, and is badly injured, leading Papa Scott to believe that Sneaky Garrett snuck in and wolf-stabbed his ass.

owy

But nope, just a garden-variety wrist break . . . Scott will fix that right up . . .

ephemeral

Pop!  All better!

Preppy Douchebag, however, is much less lucky . . . because HE’S ACTUALLY A WEREWOLF, AND GARRETT’S TARGET THE WHOLE TIME!

we hot dou

surprised-face

(Phew, that was close!  I thought Good Ole Garrett was actually going to murder someone I sort of / kind of cared about!)

But Preppy Douchebag’s not dead yet.  Instead, the Surprise Beta is sleeping off his wolf poison in the locker room, when guess who comes by to make a bigger mess of things.

wih

Hey Evil Necklace Chick!  It’s time for a Little Decapitation Vacation.  (Here’s hoping she washes that thing in between murders.  Because, EWWW!)

Then, in comes Scott to save the day, causing Evil Violet’s eyes to become blinded by dollar signs.  She turns her nasty blood gunked necklace on the True Alpha, only to have him casually rip it from his neck, which, by the way, is a ten times cooler True Alpha trick than that bubble popping thing he did a couple seasons back.

a little tight

not wearing it

“Listen, for the last time, I’m not wearing your ugly ass necklace, no matter how many times you ask.  I already have a girlfriend!”

nice try bit

“Well, why didn’t you just say so?”

Preppy Douchebag and Scott are both safe!

hot girl

Evil Violet is down for the count . . .

dance

 . . .  but, unfortunately not dead . . . you know . .. because there are still a few more episodes left in the season, and it’s too early to eradicate her ass . . . I guess.

Meanwhile, over at the Sheriff’s Station . . .

Just Hurry Up and Banshee Already!

Poor Lydia, she’s a popular girl, wealthy, a straight A student.  This is someone used to getting what she wants, be it good grades, great clothes, flawless hair, jocks with big muscles.  She’s not used to failure.  And her new banshee powers seem to be setting her up for nothing but . . .

lydia brave tatikatelena

Vampires, were-whatevers, witches, warlocks, wizards .  . . their supernatural powers are designed to make them winners.  Their resumes include talents like superhuman strength, perpetual youth, light speed, mind control, magic .  . .

stiles with wolf hat

Lydia’s powers make her a screamer, really morbid, and mildly schizophrenic.  They make her an outcast . . . and the fact that she hasn’t yet mastered them, when her friends need her abilities most, just makes this whole thing more of a drag on everyone’s favorite red-head.

lyd screams

And so, it’s time to call for some reinforcements . . .

meredith

Because Meredith is much less grounded in what most of us would call the Natural World (in fact, she gives me the impression of being somewhere on the higher end of the autism spectrum), she’s quite a bit more open and attuned to what appears to be the Banshee Friends and Family Cell Phone Network, which Lydia, unwittingly used to “call” Meredith in her evident distress.  Of course, the Banshee Network doesn’t involve actual phones, a concept “smart” Lydia fails to grasp, when she proceeds to shove an iPhone in poor Meredith’s face and scream at her to “call someone.”

interrog

And because Meredith is not particularly verbal and can’t necessarily explain herself in a way that most non-banshees would understand, she simply does what she’s told, offering up the number to correspond to the answer she sees in her head to the question Lydia is incessantly asking.

2-4-3-3-6

It’s a testament to how brain-fried and frustrated this whole failed-Banshee thing is making Lydia, that the girl who speaks ten languages, and can usually crack codes and translate ancient texts like its nobody’s business (We saw her decode something similar with Stiles using a periodic table to spell out Kira’s name, early on, last season), can’t look past the surface of what Meredith is saying to its hidden meaning.

so mean

Perhaps, that’s also the reason that Malia, who, by everyone’s estimation is much less educated and not nearly as book smart as Lydia, deciphers Meredith’s numerical list almost instantly.  After all, for Malia, a girl who spent half her life as a literal animal, nothing is as it seems.  Everything is code.  Everything has hidden layers, rules, and meanings that she can’t even begin to decipher, despite the fact that her friends seem to understand them almost inherently.

malia nails

“What if its like algebra?”  She posits calmly.  “What if the numbers stand for letters?”

2-4-3-3-6

Aiden

Another code name . . . another dead friend of poor Lydia’s . . . another crack at another third of the list .. . .

what he said

I think someone owes Ms. Meredith an apology, don’t you, Lydia?

sad lyd

Of course, the big reveal here was what most of us suspected, ever since the hot Deputy blustered onto the scene, making strange speeches about how  he was drawn to Beacon Hills, how young he looks for his age (not really . . . looks his age to me, except for the fact that all the teenagers in his town look 7 to 10 years older than they are supposed to be), dismantling bombs like its no one’s business, and speaking about tomahawks, intuitionists, and other things that are seemingly before his 24-year time on Earth.

polite guy

sees jordan

That’s right, Werebangers.  Deputy Parrish is a supernatural.  The question is, what kind?

confused liam

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he’s a Phoenix.  One who rises from the ashes, each time he dies, always looking exactly the same as he did at his first death.  It would explain his old timey vocabulary, his almost eerily calm manner, and his seeming attachment to death (like Lydia) and fearlessness when it comes to coming in contact with explosives.

bomb squad pic

you look really

handsome thank you

What say you, Teen Wolf Fans?

phoenix

sexy teacher 2

“We Hunt Those Who Hunt Us.”

Not too long ago, Allison posited a new maxim for her much-diminished werewolf hunting family of two.  “We fight for those, who can’t fight for themselves,” she offered.

allison tear heir of slytherin

Papa Chris seemed to like it.  But Allison’s gone, and her maxim did little to keep her alive long enough to see much past her 18th birthday.

conflicted c

And now Chris, truly alone in this world, must answer to the Calavares’ and their old school hunter ways.  Embracing the old hunter maxim would force Chris to betray the same folks who have become his allies in recent days, his surrogate family: Scott, Derek, Lydia, even Stiles, all of whom are now in the position to hunt hunters, must hunt them, in fact, to keep themselves alive.

come to the dark side

“Come to the darkside.  We have pizza . . . and burritos!”

So, which maxim will he follow?

Only time will tell . . . time, and this admittedly awesome trailer for the second half of this season .  . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

dancing stiles again

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Filed under Teen Wolf

Unbelievers – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Girl Who Knew Too Much”

you just don't believe

don't believe 2

Source

We know the fire awaits unbelievers.  All of the sinners the same.

Girl, you and I will die unbelievers, tied to the tracks of the train.

-Unbelievers by Vampire Weekend

Belief . . . in our causes, in our selves, in our family, friends and lovers.  Believing in something is essential to our survival as human beings.  It gives our lives direction and meaning.  It gives us hope, and the strength to get out of bed each morning, and face another day.

stydia big 2

Sure, this week’s episode of Teen Wolf was about revealing the not particularly surprising identity of the Darach, and the even less surprising explanation of Lydia’s gifts.  But it was also about the Scooby Gang struggling to believe . . . in one another’s good intentions and abilities, and in their own capacity to become heroes, and defeat evil.

my hero

stiles with wolf hat

For a show steeped in fantasy and the supernatural, “The Girl Who Knew Too Much” sure did see a lot of characters being forced to face Reality . . .

stiles sad 3

Brush up on your Druid chanting, and artistic representation of Oak Trees, Wolfbangers, because it’s time for another recap . .  .

ephemeral

[As always, special thanks to my awesome screencapper Andre, who I know would be kind enough to spare my life, if he ever forced to engage in the ritualistic sacrifice of obscure bloggers . . .]

Death Becomes Her

Can I just put it out there that I believe the TV Trope of Anonymous-Unimportant-Character-is-Introduced- and-Subsequently-Killed-Off-in-the-First-Five-Minutes-of-Your-Teleplay should be banned for all eternity?

die in blinkin8

sour wolf

Yeah, yeah, I know.  Anonymous Character deaths are a necessary evil when your main story plotline is Serial-Killer-Murders-Three-Vaguely-Related-Characters-Each-Week.  I mean, there’s only so many “Important Characters” you could eviscerate in a single season, without causing fan revolt, right?  (Sorry Boyd!)

boyd kicking ass

And I also recognize that, in this particular case, the “entertainment value” of these scenes has much less to do with the murders themselves, and more to do with figuring out what “theme” will tie them together, so we know which of our main characters is currently in danger of not making it out of the episode alive.

dead baby day 1

dead baby day 2

Source

I just wish the writers would change it up a bit.  You know, instead of having the character get introduced and die in the first scene . . .

hello my name is

unfortunate plot device

Why not start with a lighthearted scene featuring the main characters, to lull the viewers into a false sense of security, and THEN bring on the random violent death . . .

hello my name is 2

less of a

Or maybe you introduce the random character in the first scene, but, in a surprise twist, you let THAT character survive, and kill off the main character nobody was worried about . . .

there again

red herring

A third option?  What about making the anonymous character / assumed victim ultimately turn out to be the villain of the episode . . . kind of like the Teen Wolf writers did themselves, when they introduced Kate Argent, back in Season 2?

1_kate

big bad

My own petty grumbles notwithstanding, this week’s “Opening Kill” was actually pretty masterfully done.  For one thing, I found the victim’s stupidity maddeningly engaging.  Girlfriend looks about 100 pounds soaking wet.  And she still decides to wander around an empty school alone, even after she sees an unidentified being dragging a HUMAN body across the floor, with as much ease as if it was a cotton blanket.

feety

stupid bitch chasing the ghost

It takes a lot to get me to scream at the television, these days.  So, the fact that I am yelping, “GET OUT OF THERE!” and “CALL FOR BACK UP,” and finally “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUUUUUU!” throughout the entire cold open is actually pretty impressive.

dumb girl

no no on

Then comes that deliciously meta moment where the soon-to-be victim finally encounters the corpse she’s been watching the killer drag across the floor all this time, only to find that . . . wait for it . . . IT’S THE VICTIM HERSELF.  She’s been chasing her own dead body, this ENTIRE TIME!

dead shelf

“At least I died clean . . .”

Now, that’s gotta hurt . . .

You know what else has to hurt?  This . . .

dead shelf killer

“Oh no!  Lord Voldemort is going to kill me.  Where’s Harry Potter when you need him?”

draco malfoy facepalm

Speaking of meta, I love the self-referential nature of the scene that follows, during which Lydia gripes about how annoying it is to constantly be the one finding the all the dead bodies.  So, Scott graciously “finds” this one for her . . .

find the body

the effing angel of death

(Speaking of Angels of Death, wouldn’t this be a slightly cooler thing for Lydia to be than what she ultimately ended up being?  Angels of Death are awesome!  Banshees just give you a headache.)

found the body

Small town cops . . . always sleeping on the job .  . .

This show is quickly becoming the “Where’s Waldo” of Druid Sacrifices . . .

wheres waldo

Another nice touch is the later reveal that this particular “Anonymous Murder” isn’t quite so anonymous, in that both Stiles and his dad are personally acquainted with the victim.  As the son of the local Sheriff, who also happens to be a single dad, it makes sense that Stiles would spend a lot of his childhood hanging around the police station, and would, therefore, know most of the cops that worked there.  The fact that Stiles had a relationship with this female cop before she died adds some realism and poignancy to a supernatural series that can sometimes come across as a bit cavalier about its high body count . . .

mopey stiles - Copy

Meanwhile, over at the Argent Apartment . . .

The Morally Ambiguous Father Figure Club

It’s a surefire sign that something is amiss in your parent / child relationship, if a series of brutal murders occur in your hometown, and your first thought is “Yeah, my dad totally did that.”

allison twirly stiles pls

Unless, of course, your father is This Guy . . .

Dexter-dexter-26095020-1280-800

The fact that Allison was so quick to assume her father was the Evil Darach, says a lot more about her than it does about him, particularly since, I suspect that few viewers ever genuinely considered him a suspect . .

argents

Then again, maybe all this cloak and dagger suspicion was just an excuse to get Allison rolling around on her bedroom floor with Isaac .  . .

hump hump d

Because if anyone understands what it feels like to be the spawn of a possible sociopath, its the guy whose dad used to lock him in the icebox for sh*ts and giggles, when he breathed too loud at the dinner table . .  .

vulnerable isaac

For about two seconds, Allison seems genuinely annoyed that Isaac climbed through her bedroom window, simply because Scott told him to do so .  . .

isaac

(Honestly, sometimes its hard to tell who Isaac has a bigger crush on, Allison or Scott. . . .)

kissy face alissac

looking at you

Source

But then she gets to straddle him on the floor, while he’s sporting what I’m sure is a massive hard-on, and, instantly all is forgiven . . .

knifepoint

straddle hump

Source

Allison quickly fills in Isaac on the whole “My dad is probably the Darach” thing.  And the two quickly head to Papa Argent’s lair, where they promptly find, etched into his desk, an artistic representation of all the Druid Sacrifices that have occurred in the town this past season . . .

guardians

OK, now I know I just said that Papa Argent never seemed like a legitimate suspect to me, but the whole desk art thing threw me for a bit of a loop.  For one thing, etching a Celtic symbol on your desk, with words like “Virgins” and “Guardian” emblazoned across its center, pretty as it might be, seems like a tremendous waste of time for a detective, who could have just as easily gotten the information across, using a piece of notebook paper and a black magic marker.  Secondly, it’s just plain illogical.  Say you catch this Darach, and all the murders are over.  Now, you are stuck having to buy an entirely new desk for when the next inevitable supernatural murderer waltzes into town . . .

soap dish smash

Anywhoo, after calling Stiles and warning him that his “Guardian” cop father might be next on the Darach’s hit list, these two crazy kids figure out where the next body will likely be discovered.  So, they head over there, pronto, for what they believe will be a Daddy / Daughter fight to the death . . .

Smells Like Sex and Plot Exposition . . .

Special congratulations go out to the two-weinered monster of Ethan/Aiden this week, for sprouting a second personality to match its second face and sexual preference!

dont do it

“It’s like looking in a gay mirror . . .”

It all starts when Aiden tells Ethan that just because the Demon Wolf told him to have sex with Danny, doesn’t mean that Ethan should actually enjoy it . . .

another shot of danny

But enjoy it Ethan does, soooooooo much!  And better yet, now that the Alpha Pack has decided that nobody else on the show gives two sh*ts about Danny, Ethan can enjoy the sex guilt free!

dethan

Personally, I think Aiden’s just jealous, because HIS mandatory sexual conquest, Lydia, stopped f*&king him, after he used Derek’s claws to kill her sort of/ kind of / but not really pal Boyd . . .a total faux-relationship faux pas.

blue balls

But Lydia’s “friends” force her to start screwing Aiden again, so that they can pump Ethan for more information about Deucalion, which should probably make Lydia feel a bit prostitutety.  But it doesn’t . . .

not an orgy - Copy

Hmmm . . . I wonder if werewolves have the capacity to transmit venereal diseases . . .

grotesque-forward-walking-spanner-crab1

Crabs . . .

Perhaps, they just transmit fleas like the rest of their species . . .

So, while one personality heads off to Pound Town, the kinder gentler one is punished with the much less glamorous job of Plot Exposition . . .

exposition

Apparently, before Ethan/Aiden were the studly two-headed Alpha Wolf that occasionally shared a brain and a pair of pants, they were just a puny pair of Omega Wolves, who suffered regular abuse at the hands of their pack.

the bitches of the pack

That is, until one faithful day when a kindly Demon Wolf taught them to merge bodies, and become a Shrek-looking psycho killer . . .

offended shrek

Question: How did Demon Wolf know they could this?  Is there some sort of a Werewolf Handbook out there that we should know about?

stefan shrug

Has Demon Wolf been eating Twins for breakfast, the way most athletes eat Wheaties?

destroyer of worlds

Oh, and did I mention that Alpha Pack wolves have a very bad habit of murdering their trusty pet Druid Emissaries, along with the rest of their pack?

picture of the wolf

Sucks for you, Chick from Pretty Little Liars . . .

Also, now there’s a pretty good chance this Darach Thing is nothing more than an Undead Disgruntled Former Employee, which, in case you were curious, is kind of like a regular Disgruntled Former Employee . . . only smellier.

donald trump you're fired

We interrupt this Plot Exposition to bring you More Sex .  . .

mackin la

And we interrupt More Sex to bring you this Pretty Picture of a Swirly Thingy . . .

artwork by cora

Damn, Lydia and Straight!Wolf fogged up those windows FAST!

whats that

Oh, I’m sorry, did I say Pretty Picture of a Swirly Thingy?  I meant MASSIVE ASS-KICKING BY DEREK HALE.

ep 9 go derek maria-ackles

Oh, I’m sorry did I say MASSIVE ASS KICKING BY DEREK HALE?  I meant Not Particularly Impressive Attempt at an Ass Kicking By CORA HALE . . .

you die

Still girlfriend gets points for spunk, along with what is probably a concussion . . .

thwack

ouchie

 Fortunately, Ethan has the magic power of being able to “feel” when his brother is being a douchebag (which is pretty much all the time).  So, he rushes in with the rest of the Scooby Gang to stop his brother from morphing from Pathetic Loser Who Beats Up Teenage Girls into Horrible Human Being Loser Who Kills Them . . .

now im pissed

“B*tch ruined my black wife beater shirt . . . All the coolest wife beaters wear them!”

Speaking of horrible, Cora is kind of the most ungrateful wench ever.  She thanks the Scooby Gang for saving her life by telling them they suck at their job as Crime Fighters.  “All you guys do is find the bodies,” Cora quips.

BRRRRRR!  That’s COLD!

see me 2

Rudeness aside, Girlfriend’s kind of got a point . .  .  It seems like each season, the series’ Big Bad successfully murders increasingly more Casting Extras, before the Scooby Gang can finally pull their heads out of their asses long enough to stop them . . .

verbal keyboard smash

Speaking of people with their heads up their asses . . .

Afternoon Darach elight

We interrupt this Scene of Actual Character Development and Plot Significance to bring you this completely pointless Moment of Derek and English Teacher Making Out in the Middle of a Creepy Dark Tunnel . . .

dennifer

Remember how I used to say the writers should hurry up and give Derek Hale a love interest, because watching a delicious male specimen like Derek Hale hump another human being would be a MAJOR turn-on, no matter who that human being happened to be?

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

Be careful what you wish for Wolfbangers . . .

Let’s add “Thinks Only With His Weiner” and “Occasionally Forgets What Show He’s On” to the ever-growing list of character flaws the writers have saddled poor Derek Hale with this season.  Shall we?

We interrupt this makeout for yet another shot of Lydia Martin Screaming . . .

lyd screams

That’s right, Wolfbangers, it looks like some other random extra has been taken.   It appears the Darach’s current target of “Guardians” is not actually “Cops,” as the Scooby Gang once thought, but . . . wait for it . . . teachers.

talk to hot english

Apparently, the Episode’s First Victim was a Teacher, Before she was a cop, which is convenient news for the storyline, but really sucky news for her . . .

As promised, Isaac and Allison track the new body to yet another abandoned warehouse.  (Sidenote: Beacon Hills apparently contains even more Abandoned Warehouses than it does werewolves and random assorted supernatural creatures.  They should put THAT in the brochure . . .)

There, they encounter the body  . . .

the body

the Darach .  . .

medium_voldemort-looking-up-9fzhu4mo

. . . and Allison’s dad, who, SURPRISE, isn’t a Serial Killer After All!  Huzzah!

cool dad

Truth be told, Allison’s Pops looks mighty sexy, as he came out of the shadows guns blazing to attach the evil Darach . . .

argent chris

DILF . . .

And yet, considering the guy is supposedly this FABULOUSLY Talented Hunter, you’d think he’d be better at conserving bullets . . . or at least, actually hitting the target at which he was shooting . . .

machine_gun_cat

Darach: 1, Papa Argent: 0

It looks like everybody’s favorite Druid is going to have to Die Another Day . . .

Speaking of dying . . .

Dying to Be Heard

At least as far as TV Parents go, Papa Stilinski is typically beyond reproach, working hard every day to support his son financially and emotionally, while keeping him (mostly) safe from the evils that seem to lurk around Beacon Hill’s every corner.  The writers even allow him to solve a crime every once in a while!

sheriff pic

This week, however, Papa S has a bit of a setback, character wise, when Stiles, after weeks of procrastination and hand-wringing, finally decides to come clean to him about the fact that the two of them are actually characters on a supernatural teen television series, despite the sheriff’s belief that he is the star of CSI: Beacon Hills.

No amount of carefully-crafted chess metaphors are going to make an average blue-collar guy like Sheriff Stilinski take this information well . . .

teen wolf chess

“You see, Allison’s the Queen.  Scott’s the King.  Danny used to be the pawn.  But now, I guess Lydia’s the pawn.  Isaac’s the Rook.  And I’m the Knight that actually gets sh*t done . . .”

Disbelief is one thing, but Papa S’s anger at Stiles for revealing this information makes the scene particularly hard to watch.

heart wrench

But wait . . . there’s hope!  Stiles has an ACTUAL WEREWOLF, on hand!  Show him your funky wolf face, Cora Hale!  Make the man a believer . . .

woozy

 . . . or just fall on the floor, and take a nap . . . whichever you prefer . . .

After taking Cora to the ER, Stiles tries again to get through to his father, who is now thoroughly fed up with his son’s “overactive imagination.”  But Stiles has one final hand to play, and it’s a doozy.

mom would have

Stiles’ mother’s untimely demise has always been an emotional lynchpin of this series.  The revelation of Stiles’ panic attacks, his belief that he somehow played a role in his mother’s death, his father’s struggles with alcoholism, all of these little peeks into the collective Stilinski family psyche have made these characters so much more complex and interesting than they otherwise would have been.  So as much as I love nerdy, jokey Stiles, Dylan O’Brien’s seamless ability to convey the character’s darker, more vulnerable side, never fails to impress me.  And we got a nice glimpse of that in this episode . . .

stiles-15

That said, Papa Stilinski and I are kind of in a fight right now . . .

No one makes my Stiles cry, without incurring my WRATH . .  .

smash 2

Speaking of people who refuse to be silenced, Mama McCall helpfully recounts to Papa Stilinski the tale of a  female patient  mauled by animals a few weeks back, who somehow managed to get an entire flock of birds to mourn her death, by committing suicide against her hospital window?

Sound familiar?

birds

There aren’t any birds at Cora Hale’s bedside though, only one very guilty-feeling big  brother . . .

guilty brother

Meanwhile, back at Beacon Hills High . . .

Concert of Horrors

You know your town suffers from way too many, untimely, unexplainable by traditional science, deaths, when you start foregoing the tradition funeral / memorial service, and start paying homage to your dearly departed by just throwing them a high school band concert, every once in a while.  You know, because nothing says “I’m sorry you were hung from your wrists and gutted like a fish,” like a bunch of sweaty 16 year olds playing a bad rendition of Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” in a smelly gym . . .

memorial concert 2

Our entire Scooby Gang converges on the school that night to watch a lame concert, and protect their beloved teachers from being the Darach’s next victim.  Danny is one of the players. So lovestruck Ethan wishes him luck by giving him a breathmint, before he goes on stage . . . a gift which not only implies that the poor kid has bad breath, but also is REALLY dangerous to be sucking while you are PLAYING A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT.  Hasn’t this kid already choked enough on foreign substances to last a life time?

breath mint

Source

puking danny

Though really dumb about the art of playing musical instruments, Ethan is smart enough about supernatural killers to know that something SUPER BAD is going to go down at his concert.  So, he tells Danny to find him, the minute things start to go wrong . . .  unless of course he’s under the control of the Darach at the time, and chanting in Druid . . . in which case Ethan will just see him later, Mmm-kay?

playing music

Meanwhile, in the audience, Lydia has a surprisingly sweet moment with Scott, during which she promises to find the dead body BEFORE it dies this time around.  Scott promises her that, if she does that, he will put an end to the Darach.  They hold hands and silently remind the audience that they once sucked face, back in Season 1 . . .

swear i will

hands

Source

Then, Lydia gets a text to meet Aiden, in private for a matter of “Life and Death,” which in Aiden-speak is code for “Blue Balls.”

right now

Lydia goes to meet him, around the same time Aiden complains that he lost his phone.  Ruh-ROH!

Upon hearing that telltale chanting once again, Lydia finds herself face-to-face with the ever elusive Darach, who is . . .

Because Every Woman Who F*&ks Derek Hale Turns Out to be Dead or Evil (sometimes both)

DEREK’S F*&K BUDDY MAGIC COOCHIE THE ENGLISH TEACHER!  SURPRISE!  Not surprised

evil english

This reveal reminds me of the time, back early in the season, when a disgruntled Sterek fan wrote publicly to Jeff Davis, about how much she hated the Dennifer pairing, a ship that seemed to come literally out of nowhere, caused Derek to behave in a manner that was entirely out of character, and had about as much substance as one of those bad romance novels my grandma used to buy for $2.50 at the local Shop Rite . . .

mackin

Jeff Davis cautiously replied that he hoped the fan didn’t give up on the show, because there was more to Dennifer than met the eye . . .

Clearly, this is what he meant.  And while the Jennifer-as-Darach plot conceit mostly exonerates Davis for what appeared to be the poorest written romance in Teen Wolf history . . . (It was SUPPOSED to be SHALLOW, GUYS!  She’s EVIL!  It’s like writing Lord Voldemort as a romantic lead in Harry Potter . . .  Dude just doesn’t do hearts and flowers.)

darach

Be my Valentine?

 . . . it does present to viewers another, much larger problem, one which I like to call the “Dumbification of Derek Hale.”

torn up derek 1

The two or three of you that have actually been reading these recaps of mine since Season 1 know that Derek was MY GUY . . .

ep 9 yeah derek just teenwolf

(I didn’t jump onto the Stiles Bandwagon with you smarter, less shallow, viewers until somewhere around late season 1 .  . .)

He was the “Bad Boy” . . . the “Brooding, Morally Ambiguous Anti-Hero” with the dark past, who was battling his own personal demons . . . and (as all TV Bad Boys do) just really needed the good love of a nerdy TV Recapper to solve all his problems . . .

ep 5 running derek

let me love you

But as the series progressed, I learned, much to my chagrin, that Derek is not an anti-hero because he’s morally ambiguous . . .  he’s an anti-hero, because he fails miserably at heroism . . .

scary derek

Let’s face it, in the past two seasons, the writers have made Derek terrible at solving crimes, lousy at battling big bads, unskilled at choosing pack members, uninspiring as an Alpha, inexperienced as a leader, not so hot at being a big brother, and an absolutely HIDEOUS judge of character, when it comes to the women with whom he chooses to share his Little Dog . . .

ep 5 kate der

Having Derek, a guy who supposedly has SERIOUS trust issues, fall so quickly for an evil vixen like Jennifer, who most of the fans pegged as being bad news, since the day she creepily texted all her students a quote from Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness, does terrible, horrible, no good very bad things for a character, who was already in serious need of image rehabilitation.

hot trainer der

And I’m just not sure the writers are going to be able to put the proverbial Humpty Dumpty back together, this time around . . .

Oh, and I almost forgot.  Lydia’s a Banshee . . .

lyd screams

naked lydd

ep 5 screaming lyd

Jennifer tells her so, in one of those frustrating scenes where the Big Bad has it’s nemesis by the claws, and then proceeds to talk for 12 minutes, rather than just . . . oh . . . I don’t know, killing her, like she promised to do in the first place.

grabbing her

“I know I was supposed to be doing something right no.  And I just can’t seem to remember what it is . . .”

(Here’s a fanfiction idea for you guys.  I think Stiles should have been the one to tell Lydia of her true nature.  I just think the reveal would have been a lot more poignant coming from him, given all the two have been through together, with respect to Lydia’s “gift.”  Start writing now! ;))

Meanwhile, back at the concert, the entire high school band becomes possessed and starts that creepy chanting, as one of the teachers, a piano teacher, quickly falls dead of Mistletoe poisoning .  . .

bad chant

dying teacher

But hey, at least Danny’s breath is super fresh!

Poor Stiles’ Dad.  He should have baby stepped into the world of Supernatural Knowledge, when Stiles gave him the chance.  Instead, in a matter of about two minutes, he (1) watches a Concert of Evil; (2) hears Lydia Banshee Scream; (3) sees Scott Wolf Out; (4) Gets kissed by a hot teacher, who turns into Lord Voldemort mid tongue lashing;

made out with darach

(5) gets staked in the stomach with a flying knife thingy; and (6) probably gets kidnapped as the Darach’s next Guardian Sacrifice, while his son watches in horror from behind a locked door, in the episode’s chilling final cliffhanger moments . . .

knifed dad

“Is it Friday yet?”

Methinks someone is going to be needing A LOT of therapy, after this all is over . . .

But hey, at least now, he knows his son is not a liar . . .

poor stilesy

Next week on Teen Wolf , Peter Hale finally comes out of retirement!  Stiles and Lydia MAKE OUT . . . and I’m sure some other stuff happens with that pesky Darach . . .

Until next time, Wolfbangers!

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Filed under Teen Wolf

Nature versus Nurture – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Visionary”

derek the bluegold to blue

“I kind of always assumed it was genetic,” shrugs Stiles, when asked by Peter if he knows why some werewolves have golden eyes, and others have blue.

ep 8 funny stiles

This week on Teen Wolf, we learn that, unlike human eye color, the hue of a werewolves’ peepers is borne out of life experience.

life sucks get a helmet

In fact, much of “Visionary” deals with the theme of “Nature versus Nurture.”

born into greatness

In addition to offering up some pretty meaty back stories for Beacon Hills’ most notorious heroes and villains, this uber ambitious Teen Wolf installment also aimed tackle some of the series’ longest running mysteries, like:

Was Derek Hale always such a sour wolf?

ep 9 go derek maria-ackles

Does he know how to play any other musical instruments, apart from his washboard abs?

derek dream 1

Was Peter Hale always such a creepy stalker type (or is this a new “post death” habit he’s developed)?

looking good peter hale

Was Dead!Ennis ever capable of human speech beyond just grunting?

dying ennis

“Grrrrrrrrr .  . .”

Is Deucalion faking his blindness, or what?

the deuce

see or not

Does telling the fable about the scorpion and the frog three times in one hour make the story less annoying?

2 16 damon says stop talking

And yet, as informative as this season of Teen Wolf has been, I fear there are some questions about this show to which we might never learn the answers.  For example:

What the f*&k is up with the Teen Wolf timeline?

how old

Are Derek and Peter Hale secretly older than the Salvatore Brothers on TVD?

as young as

If werewolves age more slowly than normal humans, how come they are the only characters in flashbacks that consistently get older, while the human adults always look the same?

chris argent

sheriff thinksession

funny face grandpa

Frustrating, isn’t it?

verbal keyboard smash

Anyway .  . . onward, to the RECAP!

[As always, special thanks to our resident recapping genius, Andre, who I know would totally be kind enough to squeeze my hand and take all my pain away, if I ever started drooling black goo .  . .]

About a Girl

For a good looking guy, Derek Hale sure has SH*TTY luck with the ladies . . .

hot derek

Up until this point, we’ve all assumed that it was saucy sociopath Kate Argent, who converted Derek into the cliched Lone Wolf, by seducing him, and then summarily proceeding to BURN DOWN HIS HOUSE, AND KILL EVERYONE HE EVER LOVED . . .

ep 5 kate der

As it turns out, Derek’s experience with Kate only further cemented his belief that love sucks, and almost always ends in horrific untimely death . . .

ep 12 dead kate

Meet Paige.  She plays the oboe(?), and wears Mom Jeans.

oboe

mom jeans

staring at

She’s also about to ruin Derek for women for all eternity . . .

torn up derek 1

(Well .  . . at least women, who don’t have magic coochies .  . .)

talk to hot english

When Paige who almost looks too much like Miss Magic Coochie for it to be a mere coincidence accuses young Derek of interrupting her “Band Practice” . . .

basketball in gym

. . . he proceeds to shove his balls in her face . . .

balls in face

. . . well . . . more like one ball, actually.

eye roll

Derek Hale – DE-NIED!

blue balls

Round Two of the Mating Game:  Paige offers to tell Derek her name, if he can play her a musical instrument.  Derek’s choice?

plays triangle

(Personally, I think the drums would have been a more manly selection.  But the triangle wins on snark value, as it is pretty much the most useless musical instrument ever invented . . . No offense to all you Concert Trianglists out there . . .)

hate you

mackin time

kiddy kisses

Thank you for playing the Mating Game, Derek and Paige!  You may now proceed to grope and fondle one another in dark, creepy abandoned places, where teens like you tend to get killed in horror movies . . .

its perfectly safe

“Come grope me in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre house.  It’s totally safe!”

making out in caves

you love me dreams lost in water

Speaking of killers, this episode marks the return of Young!Peter, a character wh0 heretofore only existed in Lydia’s wacky hallucinations . . .

lose something

staring at you

What’s interesting about this portion of the episode is that Derek’s flashback is told entirely from the point-of-view of Peter, even though Peter seems to have NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH THIS STORY.

chillin pete

“I’m just cool like that.”

So, basically, we get to watch a bunch of scenes with Derek and Paige, during which Peter is inexplicably lurking in the background, doing absolutely nothing of importance . . .

lurking pete

stalker

lurking 1

lurking 2

In other words, it’s kind of like what happens in every episode of this season . .  .

peter says hi luceateis - Copy

Some fans have speculated that this is because Peter is lying to Cora and Stiles.  And that HE and not Derek was the true heartbroken lothario in this story.

perfect combinations

He’s even shown to have golden (and not blue) eyes himself, when the story begins . . .

peter with golden eyes

But what would Peter gain by lying about something as seemingly unrelated to the main narrative as this?

stefan shrug

Since we are on the subject of Peter, it’s important to note that his presence in the story is our first shred of evidence that all is not what it seems, when it comes to werewolf aging.

what century

After all, in present day, Peter appears to be a good six to seven years older than Derek, whereas in the flashbacks, he looks to be only a year or two older tops . . .

no one will ban

To further complicate things, Flashback!Derek makes a comment that Peter isn’t supposed to be on school grounds.  Since we already know from previous episodes that the latter graduated from Beacon Hills as a basketball star, this little tidbit of information would seem to suggest that Peter IS much older than Derek, and DID graduate about six or seven years earlier than him, but still LOOKS the same as he did in high school.

basketball

Speaking of playing basketball . . .is it a mere coincidence that both Peter and his nephew excelled in the sport?  Or is this yet another hint that Derek’s “Doomed Love Story” with Paige was actually Peter’s own?

He’s also a tad pathetic for continuing to hang out with high school kids, despite being well into his mid twenties . . .

teen wolf 12 eye roll

Then again, the same could be said about Derek and Peter, in present day . . .

Anywhoo, if we are to believe Peter’s narrative, even though he is the first to plant the seeds in Derek’s head that he must turn Paige into a werewolf, or risk losing her forever . . .

turn her

bite is a gift

So is herpes, buddy . . .

 . . .  it’s ultimately Derek who arranges for Ennis to attack Paige at school, and give her “The Bite.”  (Of course, this so-called agreement between Ennis and Derek happens off-screen.  So, we can’t be too sure.)

2 16 lie

So, a bite is exactly what Paige gets.

stranger danger

magic eraser

Talk about someone who should be banned from school grounds.

pedo

playing hard to get

“I love it when girls play hard to get.”

gotcha en

“Hey there, Little Girl.  Ever had a hickey from a Big Bad Wolf?”

And then she BITES THE DUST . . .

sterek comfort

“I am the Angel of Death.”

hand grasping

smush

But not before a heartbreakingly agonizing scene during which she tells Derek she pretty much knew exactly what he was, and loved him anyway . . . thereby making this whole biting thing completely unnecessary.

know who you are

She could have lived, DAMMIT!

draco malfoy facepalm

Let that be a lesson to YOU, people who like to hire strange men to bite their significant others .  .  .

naughty naughty

Paige then, more or less, asks Derek to kill her fast, because she is unable to cope with the pain of the slow, painful death of her body rejecting the bite . . .

he killed her

So, Derek gives Paige the “Hug of Death,” which I assume breaks her spine.

And that’s how Derek Hale first became a murderer, or more accurately a mercy killer.  He saw an animal in a lethal amount of pain.  And he put that animal to sleep . . .  kind of like a veterinarian . . .

the vet ac

That was cold.”

Of course, like I said, most veterinarians don’t hire grunting gorilla types to bite people’s pets, and make them die .  . . no matter how much that would help their business to thrive . . . at least I hope not.  Almost immediately after “killing” Paige, Derek gets a shiny new pair of colored contacts . . .

derek the blue

mommy

“Worry not, Sonny Boy.  I still love your murderous ass.  Too bad I’m about to suffer a horrible death, like every other woman in your life . .  .”

Peter tells Cora and Stiles that wolves’ eyes turn from gold to blue, after they take an innocent human life.  (As a blue-eyed person myself, I find this highly offensive and “color-ist”)

listening to story 2 three

“I’m not a colorist.  Some of my best friends have blue eyes!”

It also poses more questions than it answers.  Jackson’s eyes turned blue, when he became a wolf, presumably because of all the people Matt had him kill as a kanaima . . . most of whom did little more wrong than attend a party where a little boy fell in the pool and almost drowned.  Sure, laughing at a drowning kid is mean, but it doesn’t make a person sufficiently “not innocent” to deserve untimely death . . .

blue eyes

On the other hand, Jackson only killed while under the control of Matt, and arguably should not be “blue,” for actions over which he had no autonomy.

matt and ma

kanima tatt

too soon haha - Copy

The case of Peter, who’s beta form also includes blue eyes, is even more intriguing.  Peter killed a crap load of people as the Alpha in season 1.  However, each of those people played a significant role in the fire that killed his family.  And therefore, arguably none of them were “innocent,” like Paige.

peter pan

Perhaps, Peter secured his blue-eyed beta form when he killed Laura Hale to become an Alpha. . .

crying chick

teen wolf chewed body

But was Laura Hale, herself truly innocent?

At the time we first heard about her, we all assumed that Laura inherited her title of Alpha, when her shapeshifting mother Talia (who we now know was Alpha prior to Laura) died in the Hale family fire.

But according to “Ye Olde Wise Hale Family Guide” Deaton (with the exception of Special Snowflake Scott) Alphas only become Alphas by killing their predecessors.  So, did Laura kill Talia?  And, if so, under what circumstances?  Had she euthanized her mother due to injuries she sustained in the fire?  Or was the murder something a bit more malicious?

wachu talking about deuchy

“Whatchu talkin about recapper?”

I found it noteworthy that Laura Hale appeared nowhere in this flashback, despite her presumably being around the same age as Peter and Derek at the time all this “Paige Stuff” was going down . . .

dont understand

Have I confused you enough yet?

awww stilesy

Here’s another question?  What happens to a pack whose Alpha dies for reasons entirely unrelated to homicide?  Do they just wander the Earth Alpha-less?  Because that seems like a pretty piss poor way to run a species . . .

wolfy adrixu00

“Will YOU be my Alpha?”

Upon determining that Sassy Uncle Peter is full of sh*t, Stiles decides to go to the source, and ask Derek himself, what really happened between him and Paige.  So, maybe we’ll get some answers from him.

sterek next to eachother

“So, do you wanna talk about it?”

“NO!”

“All righty then . . .”

But somehow I doubt it.  Derek has never exactly been the eloquent type .  . .

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

This is your brain.

walking with brain

This is your brain on Teen Wolf . . .

squish

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Flashback Land . . .

Beware the EYES of March . . .

Peter Hale isn’t the only Teen Wolf villain doling out bedtime stories.

drooly

In exchange for some magical hand fondles from Scott, that sexy Drooler of Shoe Polish, Gerard Argent decides to tell Scott and Allison the story of how Deucalion first lost his sight . . .

hand shake

this hurts me worse

“This feels kind of like an orgasm . . . only really, really sh*tty.”

It all starts when Ennis . . .  yes THAT Ennis . . . loses a member of his pack, presumably after that member is killed and cut in half by Gerard himself.

soon to be dead

blah

“So much for being the first talking Asian wolf on this show . . .”

If we are to believe Gerard’s story, before they became the Alpha Pack, Ennis’s Pack, Kali’s Pack, and Deucalion’s Pack all live in the vicinity of Beacon Hills.

damn you ennis

*lots of hot extras, who we will unfortunately never see again*

the douche

For example, I’m really liking the guy to the left of the douche who ultimately tried to kill Deucalion . . .

(Also if we are to believe Gerard’s story, the Argent family lived in Beacon Hills long before they supposedly “moved in to town” during the episode pilot.)

teen wolf hunters

Commence retcon immediately . . .

Ennis somehow arranges for all the packs to convene in Beacon Hills to discuss the “Hunter Situation.”  Specifically, he wants to meet with Derek’s mom, because she’s a naked chick, with the power to turn into a “Real Wolf,” as opposed to those bizarre wolf-headed man things into which everyone else on the show turns.

pissed ennis

full happy wolf

Happiest wolf ever . . .

nakey lady

Happiest Wolf Ever after a good shaving . . .

But then, of course, once everyone arrives at the meeting, Sneaky Ennis decides to engage in some graffiti.

cave painting ennis

Apparently, doing this makes everyone in the room wolf-bound to help him in his plan to get vengeance on the hunters.

this guy sucks

BETA 1: “Dammit, I knew I should have gone to the bathroom.  Now, I’m stuck on this stupid Revenge Death Mission . . .”

BETA 2: “Ennis is an ass.  He’s the kind of guy who would kill his own pack, just to gain their powers.  We are so lucky we have a nice, level-headed Alpha like Kali leading us.  She’d never do something awful like that.”

KALI: “Whistles.”

Long story short, pretty much everything bad that’s ever happened in this series is Ennis’ fault . . .  No wonder they decided to squash his head like a melon . . .

melon head cat

Gerard and the wolf pack ultimately arrange a “peaceable” meeting, and, from Gerard’s telling, the wolves turn on him, as is their “nature.”

meeting

There goes that pesky Scorpion / Frog story again   . . .

However, as viewers, we have the benefit of SEEING flashbacks.  So, we know that Gerard is full of crap, and lashed out against the wolves first, by gassing them with wolfsbane . . .

gassy

“I swear I thought it was the air conditioner . . .”

lots of gas

“All right, which one of you wolves farted?”

 . . . and then wacking them on the noggin with this weird club thingy that makes him look like a REAALLLLLLY OLD version of Bam-Bam on the Flintstones . . .

bam bam

bam bam bam

better bam bam

Of course, it’s Gerard who ultimately blinds Deucalion . . .

boing

“Care for some Lasik Surgery?”

its electrifying

electrifying

oh my eyes

“I knew I should have just stuck with contacts . . .”

 . . . but not ALL of him  . . . as one ill-fated power hungry beta soon learns, when he tries to use Deucalion’s newfound blindness as an opportunity to take control of his pack . . .

you are done

“I’m not being beta to a blind wolf again.  They are always making me walk into walls.”

deucalieyes

“See ya in hell, Douchebag!”

You see, Deucalion may be blind as a human, but as a wolf, he still has his full sight.  (And that, my dear Wolfbangers, was the first part of this story that actually made sense to me.)

nodding oh yeah

Nice knowing ya, Guy Who Strangely Resembles Marcel from The Originals.  See ya next lifetime . . . when you become a vampire in New Orleans.

how you like me now

So, now we know Deucalion wasn’t always such a douchebag.  In fact, he probably would have ended up being a nice, peace loving Alpha, with a penchant for old man sweaters straight out of This Guy’s closet . . . .

better mr. rogers sweater

mr-rogers

“Won’t you be my beta?”

 . . . were it not for Ennis and his cave paintings . . .  He also, apparently, wouldn’t have had that accent.  (Because I’m pretty sure he didn’t have it in the flashbacks.)  Because suffering and loss have the power to make you British . . . who knew?

demon wolf

Like Stiles and Cora, Allison and Scott also happen to think their bedtime storyteller is full of crap . . .

dont believe you

“Why should I believe you when sh*t LITERALLY comes out of your mouth, every time you speak?”

But to really learn the truth about what happened back then, Allison and Scott will probably have to ask Deucalion himself

destroyer of worlds

. . .  which seems like a monumentally BAAAAD idea . . .

Speaking of Bad Ideas, guess who has decided to take up cave painting?

revenge

remembering

no no on

Silly Sour Wolf!  Revenge Plots are for people who want to end up with their heads squashed . . .

Next week on Teen Wolf, we finally get to learn what Lydia is probably a banshee, and the true identity of the darach probably Magic Coochie.

darach

Also  . . . SHIRTLESS ALPHA DANCING!

shirtless male review

more shirtless male review

(It’s like Magic Mike . . . only hairier)

magic mike

Annnnnd here’s the trailer(s) . . .

Until next time, Wolfbangers!

stiles with wolf hat

[www.juliekushner.com][My Tumblr] [Fangirls Forever 2 – I SELL TEEN WOLF SHIRTS HERE!]

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Sacrificial Wolf – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Currents”

awkward death

“Well this is awkward . . .”

One of the downsides of being a lead protagonist on a supernatural series is that the mere act of being your friend, relative, lover,  or random acquaintance literally causes people to DIE.  Elena Gilbert, Buffy Summers, Sam and Dean Winchester, Sookie Stackhouse, the folks from Being Human, Arya Stark . . . these folks actually share very little in common with one another, apart from the impenetrable cloud of death that follows them wherever they go . . .

the effing angel of death

Unfortunately, the same goes for Scott McCall and Derek Hale, both of whose friendships are not unlike some venereal diseases . . . incredibly painful and deadly, if not properly treated.

going to die

All of this is basically my long-winded way of saying, R.I.P. Vernon Boyd.  If only you had been wearing protection . . . like a bullet proof vest, or a body condom . . .

condom 2

Thank goodness, Stiles already has one of those . . .

condom 3

But if I were Isaac, I’d probably be wearing this over my clothes every week .  . .

Immortals-2011-daniel-sharman-31573654-534-800

Is that a toilet plunger he’s holding?

This week, on Teen Wolf we learned all about currents . . .

the current

 .  . . and why, no matter how badly you want to be kissed on Christmas, it’s a bad idea to eat Mistletoe . . .

puking danny

 . . . also this week on Teen Wolf, I was reminded why I’m petrified of moths . . .

lots of moths

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always special thanks to my amazing screencapper Andre, to whom I would absolutely lend my body condom (never used . . . don’t worry), if I thought, for a second, that being my friend was harmful to his health . . .)

It’s Hard Out There for a Pimp Nurse . . .

Mama McCall is having a rough night.

having a bad day

sad mom

It’s as if she went to bed a supporting character on Teen Wolf, and woke up the star of Grey’s Anatomy . . .

ep 10 yay mom

“Doctor McDreamy is so steamy!”

McDreamy

 .  . . which would be great for a swinging single lady like Mama McCall, except for one small problem . . .ALL THE HOT DOCTORS ARE EITHER DEAD . . .

dead guy on floor

 . . . or out catching butterflies . . . with their mouths . . .

eating the moth

“Nom-nom.   Got one!”

Talk about warped priorities!  Then again, what do you expect from a woman stupid enough to pick up a hitchhiker who looks like THIS . . .

hitchhiking no no

“Could I possibly trouble you to drop me off at the Gates of Hell?”

(I guess they don’t teach you about Stranger Danger in Med School.)

Meanwhile, back in the hospital, Scott takes away some lady’s pain, just by fondling her boob wrist.

touch me

veiny hand

I thought he was only able to do that with puppies!

Then, because everybody needs a little Christmas (right this very minute), Ethan carries Danny into the hospital.  And the latter proceeds to vomit SO MUCH Mistletoe (definitely an entire wreath’s worth) all over the hospital floor . . .

puking danny

mistletoe kisses

Ethan must eat poison mistletoe all the time, because he knew exactly what it was the minute Danny spewed . . .

you rock

“My boyfriend is a total lightweight . . .”

(It kind of reminds me of that time, back in fourth grade science class, when I had to dissect pellets of owl vomit, and determine, based on the types of bones I was pulling out, what the bulimic bird had for breakfast.  I wish I was kidding about this . . .)

stiles grossed out

I’m just trying to figure out how the Darach managed to get Danny to eat all that plantlife, without him even knowing what he was consuming.  Of course, I have my theories . . .

mistletoe weiner

Christmas weenie?

(Speaking of kissing, if we are to believe what Ethan told Scott this week, now that the Alpha Twins know that Scott doesn’t give two craps about Danny, the “love” between this computer hacking, musical instrument-playing, science nerd / former best friend of Jackson and the Gay Alpha Twin could actually be 100% legit.  And they say romance is dead!)

i promise

cuddles dan eth

From Showmance to Romance . . .

When Danny stops breathing, due to an allergic reaction to the mistletoe, Mama McCall saves him by stabbing his chest with a syringe, to allow air his escape his lungs.  I was impressed to learn that the medical science presented in this scene was actually real . . . at least the part about the deflated lung, and the syringe.  I’m not really sure about the whole “Mistletoe Thing.”

Mama McCall is hero!  (Though, in hindsight, wouldn’t it have been easier for Scott the Messiah to just fondlle Danny’s chest a little bit, like he did with that lady?)

in pain

“Now you tell me?”

Speaking of ladies in pain,  did you ever hear the expression, “You are what you eat?”  Because apparently, that doctor chick from earlier in the episode turned into a moth, which made driving her car highly inconvenient . . .

found moth

Driving Ms. Mothy . . .

I’m just kidding, of course.  Moth eating lady, and that Other Doctor are both taken (and ultimately killed) by the EEEEEVVVVIIIIIL DARACH.  I just happen to think transforming the doctor into a bug would have been much funnier, than hanging her from the ceiling (like MISTLETOE!) and murdering her off-screen . . . DARACH FAIL!

voldemort

“I get no respect.”

Window Dressing

Speaking of fails, Kali the Werewolf may be tops, when it comes to grabbing foreign objects with her toes, and murdering people.  But when it comes to Threats Disguised as Window Art, she’s kind of one-note.

tagging

kali

“I think it’s beautiful.”

If I were her, I’d probably go for something a bit more personal, like “KALI & ENNIS 4 EVA.”

dying ennis

Rest in Peace guy who had no lines the entire season (and who eventually had his face squashed like a rotten melon).

Speaking of window dressing, how adorable were Scott and Isaac, when they kept bedside vigil by Mama McCall’s bedside, so she wouldn’t be kidnapped by Lord Voldemort and his band of Evil Moth-Loving Tree People?

sleepy mommy

So what if they ended up being the Worst Bodyguards EVER?  It’s the thought that counts, right?

woah shes up

“We were just resting our eyes.  We promise.”

mom wakes up

“I don’t remember anyone telling me this kid moved into our house.”

In other window dressing news, I know Deaton’s a vet, and loves animals, and all.  But his idea of curtains leaves much to be desired . . .

window treatment

“I wanted my drapes to match my carpet.”

Upon seeing the moths hanging out outside his window, Deaton calls Scott, and tells the werewolf he’s about to require a rescue.

calling you

“Is this 1-900-KILLDARACH?”

can you hear me now

“I can’t talk right now.  My English teacher keeps texting me about not taking calls during class.”

I thought this was particularly insightful on Deaton’s part.  I mean, if I saw moths outside my window like that, I’d probably just call the exterminator.  Or, more likely, I’d tell whoever was in the house with me at the time to go kill them, while I cowered in the corner with my hands over my eyes.  Yeah, I’m THAT Girl  . . .

I hope you have flood insurance . . .

I’m not exactly sure how much time passed between the events of “Motel California” and those of “Currents.”  But I did find it odd that Boyd and Isaac never said boo to Derek about how he more or less faked his own death, devastating the pack, while he hid out in a hole boning the English Teacher . . .

thank you for being a live

“You are pretty much the worst packmaster ever.  But we still heart you.”

I also find it strange that Derek seemingly had no problem with flooding his whole apartment, just so that MAYBE he could electrocute one barefoot wolf lady.

sounds like a terrible idea

“Your idea is kind of terrible, to be honest.”

Granted the guy has no furniture in his apartment, apart from  . .  . sometimes a table.  So, it’s not like there was much property to be damaged.  But still . . .

P.S.  Where is Peter during all this?

smirky peter

“You people are idiots.”

Sassy Uncle Pete would have totally talked some sense into this crew, if he were here.  Maybe Boyd would even still be alive!

Daddy Daycare

Stiles, I know things are tough for you right now.  But its high time you came out to your dad about how pretty much all your friends are werewolves, and your future girlfriend is most likely a banshee  . . .

it gets better

Like they say in those commercials . . . “It gets better.”

Speaking of getting better, Team Parents was a roll this week.  Not only did Mama McCall save Danny’s life, and manage to make it through the entire hour without getting eaten by moths, she also, along with Sheriff Stilinski, pretty much solved the entire mystery of the episode.  The nurse and the sheriff basically took on the roles typically embodied by Stiles and Lydia on this show.  Like Stiles before her, Mama McCall was responsible for determining the way in which the Darach murdered the “healers.”  (Asphyxiation by hanging).  As for Sheriff Stilinski, he not only ended up being the first on the scene, when Scott’s father figure Deaton first went missing, he was also, ultimately, the one who ended up saving his life.  (More on that later of course . . .)