Truly Bloody (And a little gross) – A Recap of True Blood’s “I Got a Right to Sing the Blues”

 

This week on True Blood, our girl Tara FINALLY got her GROOVE back . . . and then she stuck it in the back of Franklin’s head . . . multiple times.

I really thought he was going to last longer.  Didn’t you?  Now, if we could just get rid of Lorena . . .

I’m going to be honest with you guys.  I missed a good portion of this episode.  Now, don’t worry, I don’t think this will effect my recap.  You see, I HEARD the entire episode, I just didn’t SEE all of it . . . because my hands were covering my face for a good portion of the hour.

I was hiding my face for SO LONG during this episode, I almost missed NAKED ALCIDE!

But I didn’t!

So, are you ready to get gory?  Let’s get on on with the recap!

The Sophisticated Vampire

“When I said I wanted to new skylight on the ceiling, this WASN’T what I meant.”

When the episode begins, a Smiling Russell Edgington drags Sookie Glow Fingers back to his Big Gay Mansion.  Clearly wanting to make up for being such a Major Dick this whole Season, Vampire Bill decides it’s time to protect his woman.  He does so by brutally staking one of Russell’s body guards.  He then wraps his legs around Russell’s head, which you would think the Big Gay Vampire King would like . . . but he doesn’t.  In fact, he dislikes it so much that he throws Bill at the ceiling. 

Bill “hangs” out there for a little while, before falling back to earth.  Talbot is PISSED about the sudden and unwarranted home renovations.  Something tells me Russell won’t be getting any tonight!

Russell has his remaining guards drag Bill to the “slave chambers.”  Sookie rushes toward him, but is surprised when Vampire Eric grabs her roughly by the wrist and brings her to Russell.

“I wouldn’t let go of this if I were you.  I don’t know what it is, but I do know it is quite valuable,” intones Eric, looking super sexy in his Panty Dropper Blue Sweater, even though he is currently being a Total Tool (or, perhaps, because he’s being one).

“Eric, what the f*ck!” Sookie exclaims.  (Ooh, a lovers’ quarrel!  I see some AWESOME Makeup Sex in these two’s future . . .)

“Awwww, it thinks we’re equals,” coos Eric, maddeningly referring to Sookie, as if she’s his pet.  (He’s gonna get spanked for sure!)

“You’ve been a Bad, Bad Vampire!  I’m going to make you pay, Dirty Boy!”

Lorena interrupts to inquire as to what Russell plans to do with Slave Bill.  “You will kill him,” replies Russell matter-of-factly.

To Lorena’s credit, she actually looks a little upset about having to Kill Bill.

But when Sookie threatens Lorena’s life, if she dares harm her man, Lorena’s fangs literally come out.  “I would love to rip you open, and wear your rib cage as a hat,” Lorena growls.

Tre Chic!

A Sookie is a Terrible Thing to Waste

Eric is instructed to take Sookie into the study, so that Russell can interview her later.  When Sookie tries to protest, Eric lovingly puts his hand over her mouth, “Shut the F&ck Up,” he warns her.

In the study, Sookie and Eric have a hilarious exchange about what just went down between them.  “I hope you were behaving that way for the King’s benefit,” seethes Sookie. 

When Eric denies being disingenuous with the King, Sookie fires back with an on-point impersonation of the Hot Sheriff himself, throwing his own affectionate words from the Season 3 premiere episode back in his face.  “Sookie . . .  your life is too valuable to throw away.  You make me feel almost human,”  she monotones.

Eric can’t deny that Sookie is valuable, but he refuses to cop to expressing any sort of sentiment toward her.  “You must have dreamt it,” he replies.  (Oh no, Eric . . . YOU must have dreamt it!)

Later Russell enters the room, and inquires as to the source of Sookie’s Telepathy, and her Glow Fingers.  “Maybe I’m an alien,” Sookie offers helpfully.

In response to Sookie’s inquiries about Bill’s whereabouts, Russell informs the Alien that Bill has been stalking her keeping a file on her family history.  But love is blind to reason, and Sookie doesn’t seem to react very much to the news.  She is later locked away in one of the Big Gay Mansion’s many rooms.  “Beeeeeeellllll!”  She yelps, because we haven’t heard her do that in about ten minutes, so it’s high time she did it again.

Vampire Bill has fallen and he can’t get it up .  . .

“You got a heating pad or something?  This floor is hell on my sciatica.”

In the grotesque S & M portion of the evening, we watch Lorena as she brutally tortures Bill . . . by forcing him to listen to her inane monologue and crybaby tears. 

“I always forget that I need to wear waterproof mascara when torturing!”

Oh yeah, she’s systematically cutting him with surgical tools, while he’s tied to the floor, too.  Vampire Bill tries to appeal to Lorena’s sympathy, by telling her that he wishes he knew her when she was human and still cared about life.  Lorena whines annoyingly, slightly affected by Bill’s grand speech, but she keeps butchering him anyway.  Unfortunately for Lorena, this sweet little Snuff Film is interrupted by Drug Addled Werewolve,s Coot and Debbie, who barge in hoping for a taste, “from the source.”

Dude, if you weren’t hot I would SO hate you.

YOU, I hate!

Never one to let a meal grow cold (even though, admittedly, this one has been COLD a long time), Trash O’ Deb gets right down to sucking.  Coot, however, prefers to play with his food first.  So he proceeds to kick the cr*p out of the defenseless Bill for murdering his were-friends.  Lorena looks on boredly, wondering whether Rib Cage Hats come in pink to match the new dress she just bought . . .

I now pronounce you Man with Mace-Head

Did I just say that BILL and LORENA provided the “grotesque S&M” portion of the evening?  Because, actually, I think Franklin and Tara had them beat by a MILE!  Things started off “sweet” enough, with Franklin returning to his soon-to-be marital bed, clad in a girly white nightgown to match Tara’s hideous white wedding dress.

“You do realize that blood stains show up on white fabric, don’t you?”

Tara feigns happiness to see her Groom-To-Be, but Franklin has nagging insecurities about her sudden show of affection.  “You didn’t even notice that I shaved for you!”  He pouts, as he straddles his living doll.

Tara tries to relieve Franklin’s doubts by ramping up the sex appeal, or, at least as much as she CAN ramp it up with her arms tied to the bedpost, while wearing that AWFUL gown.  She begs to be untied, so that she can “pleasure him better.”  Franklin complies.  Once untied, Tara begs to taste Franklin’s blood on her last night as a human.  She takes a HUGE chunk out of his neck, which, honestly, I didn’t know was possible with human teeth.  It’s pretty disgusting.  “Kill me, kill me, kill me,” begs Franklin in the throes of passion.”

“OK,” says Tara.

“I can be very obedient when I want to be.”

Once Franklin has fallen asleep, Tara uses the strength she has drawn from Franklin’s vampire blood to communicate with Sookie telepathically, since she knows from Franklin’s intel, that her friend is ocked up nearby.  “I’m coming to get you girl.  We are going to get out of here.  Be ready,” she thinks to herself.

Tara then turns to the cadre of weapons conveniently located on the wall of her bedroom, and selects an ancient mace, which she promptly bashes into Franklin’s skull . . . multiple times . . . until he’s nothing more than a bloody stew.  Poor lovesick puppy never had a chance . . .

 

 

“But I shaved for her!  I don’t understand!”

I Now Pronounce You Beard For Life

While Tara is bashing Franklin’s skull in, Eric is engaging in a romantic card game with Talbot.  Russell interrupts, and requests Eric’s presence on a little “road trip.”  Eric, who assumes the purpose of this trip will be to rescue Pam from the evil clutches of the Magister, is noticably eager to get moving.

“Come rescue me, Big Daddy!”

“You NEVER take me anywhere!  You prefer to surround yourself with sycophants,” Talbot explains.  (That’s the spirit, Talbot!  Confuse him with your big words!  That will get him back in your bed for sure!)

In the car en-route, Vampire Eric really ramps up the charm, even going as far as to allude to  having sexual interest in Russell. 

However, having witnessed last week’s Viking flashback, we know that Eric has a Master Plan, and vengeance on his mind.  The two discuss King Russell’s “ownership” of the V-addicted werewolves, and his plans to have the supernatural world united for World Domination.  But when Eric inquires about Pam, he learns that Russell has another destination in mind.  The two are headed to Queen Sophie Anne’s house.

The last time we saw Queenie here, she was enjoying a day-long game of Yahtzee.  Now she seems content playing with lottery scratch-offs.  Clearly, this is someone who needs to get a hobby.  Queen Sophie is not at all excited to see Eric and Russell on her doorstep, seeing as the pair has just murdered her guards and tied up her lover, Hadley (who also happens to be Sookie’s cousin).  But Vampire King Russell, ever the romantic, doesn’t concern himself with this.  Instead, he gets on his knees and proposes.

“Go f*ck, yourself,” Queen Sophie replies politely.

At which point, Eric tackles her to the floor like a linebacker.  “No, YOU go f&ck YOURSELF,” he clarifies.   (Wow, lots of f&cking in this episode . . .)  “I’m older than you .  . .you framed me.  Therefore, I renounce my fealty to you.  My loyalty is to the King.”

To celebrate this grand proposal, Eric hopes to kick things off by breaking Queen Sophie Ann’s neck, but Russell doesn’t let him.

Russell diplomatically offers the terms of the couple’s engagement.  He will never touch her.  (Because they are both gay . . . get it?)  He will make all her debt and legal problems disappear.  She will not be prosecuted for dealing V.  Sounds like a damn good deal if you ask me.  The Queen reluctantly agrees to marry Russell, then runs off to find and f&ck her girlfriend . . .

In Sam’s Trailer Trash Family News . . .

Tonight, we learned why Joe Lee had said that he “owned” Tommy, during last week’s episode.  In a revelation that surprised precisely nobody, Tommy’s mom revealed that the family had been surviving on the money Shapeshifter Tommy earned as a pitpull in dog fights.

What WAS surprising, to me anyway, was that Mommy Mickens used to dog fight too . . .

Well . . . maybe not SO surprising.  After all, we always knew she was a b&tch.

In Shirtless Jason Stackhouse News . . .

Jason continues to get it on with Crystal in the woods, complimenting her on how literally hot she is, and explaining to her how he isn’t a virgin (Now that’s the understatement of the century!)  When Jason begs Crystal not to break his heart, she cries.  All tears aside though, things are going great, until Crystal smells something funny, and excuses herself.

“Dammit!  I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that bean burrito at the precinct!”

The next day, when Jason arrives at Crystal’s trailer with flowers, this D-Bag who tried to bash in Lafayette’s car (more on him a little later) answers the door.  Crystal soon follows, claiming that the D-Bag is her fiance and that she’s never met Jason in her life.  Crushed, a dejected Jason slouches off.  As he heads to his car however, he finds himself face to face with the naked ASS of the high school football star who he reamed a new one for being cocky at Merlotte’s last week.  Jason gets an IDEA!

“It’s not what you think.  But it SURE looks that way, doesn’t it?”

Jason inexplicably interrupts the high schooler mid-screw, and performs a citizen’s arrest on his butt for “lewd conduct in a public place.”  (Hey, Jason knew the word “lewd!”  Color me impressed . . .

“Something about you ain’t right .  . .” Jason explains. 

That may be true Jason Stackhouse.  But you have to admit, the kid had a really cute ass!

Speaking of Homoerotic Moments  . . .

 . . . Lafayette and Jesus get pretty hot in a car of their own this evening . . . once Lafayette establishes that Jesus isn’t Satan, of course.  (Always an important question to ask your prospective boyfriends.)  They then move their action into Lafayette’s apartment, but are interrupted by the sound of breaking glass.  Lafayette and Jesus run out, to find D-Bag and his cronies from the trailer park bashing in Lafayette’s car.  D-Bag just has enough time to get out a few choice words about Lafayette’s V-dealing tendencies, before Jesus threatens him with a bat, and Lafayette beats the stuffing out of him.   “Tell your friends you just got beaten up by two f*gs,” Lafayette yells after D-bag, as he runs away.

Unfortunately, Jesus heard the part about the V-dealing, and no longer wants any part in Lafayette’s drug-tainted thongs . . .

Jesus is V- free!

In Vampire Jessica News . . .

Our Teen Vamp seems to be really learning how to control her powers.  After a slight slip of fang at Merlottes, Vampire Jessica tries to make amends with Arlene, by glamouring a customer to give the waitress a BIG tip, after she got all the other restaurant patrons to stiff her last week.  She also successfully FEEDS on this patron without killing her . . .

You go, Vampire Chick!

Back at the Big Gay Mansion . . .

SOOKIE:  “Beeeeeeeeeellll!”

TARA:  “Oh, hell no!  Do you have any idea what I’ve been through to get to you?   You better say MY NAME, b&tch!”

Tara breaks Sookie out of Big Gay Jail, by beating up the guards outside Sookie’s room.  The two escape the mansion, but Sookie annoyingly wants to go back and rescue Vampire Bill.  Tara thinks she’s f*cking nuts!  I agree.  Once again, Tara is running through the fields, when she encounters yet another werewolf, but this one looks different . . .

The first time I saw it in the promos, I thought it was some kind of Were-Vampire, but I was wrong.  It was THIS GUY!

NAKED!

Back in his human form, Alcide tells Tara he is here looking for Sookie, but Tara is too busy staring at his gorgeous abs and large johnson to pay much attention to his words.  “Do you have a car so we can have hot passionate animal sex in it?”  She inquires.

“Yeah,” replies Alcide.

And off they go . . .

Meanwhile . . .

Sookie finds a blood drained, nearly lifeless, Vampire Bill on the floor of the “Slave Quarters.”  She professes her love to the dying vamp, promising to do whatever it takes to save him.  Then Lorena magically appears . . .

Sorry, I just liked the rib cage hat too much, not to use it again . . .

As the episode ends, Lorena attacks Sookie, biting her neck until she screams for mercy.  That’s not good!

And there you have it folks, a Truly Bloody True Blood.  Did you like it?  Or was all just a bit too much gore and too little Shirtless Stackhouse . .

P.S. For those of you out there, who are wondering where my Mad Men season premiere recap is, I PROMISE it will be up tomorrow.  Sorry for the delay.  Contrary to popular belief, I do require SOME sleep . . . 🙂

 

 

The Runaway Bride of Franklin-stein – A Recap of True Blood’s “Trouble”

“Damn that Julia Roberts!  She made it look so easy!”

Howdy Fangbangers!  Tonight’s True Blood installment featured a boatload of lovin’, and a monster truckload of CRAZY, to boot.  Both were delivered in one truly twisted package by none other than THIS GUY  . . .

But “Trouble” wasn’t ALL about Franklin’s disturbing (albeit, at times, oddly humorous) “relationship” with Tara, there were also new flirtations, “sparks” of both a figurative, and a LITERAL (I’m looking at you Sookie Glow Fingers!) nature, betrayals, and, of course, after a WAY TOO LONG hiatus, a SHIRTLESS Jason Stackhouse.

We missed you, baby!

So, without further adieu, let’s take our tops off and fall in love.  Shall we?

Franklin Mott: Texts Like a Champ, Cries Like a B&tch

“Hey, you would cry too, if they took away YOUR unlimited texting plan!”

When we first see the Object of Franklin’s Obsession, Tara, she’s  . . . a little tied up.

Then, in walks Russell and Lorena, having recently finished gorging on that sad, but still skanky, stripper from last week’s episode.  But what surprises Tara, more is that BILL is with them . . .

This may surprise Tara, but it doesn’t surprise US at all.  After all,  WE saw him snacking on the Skank Stew, with our very own eyes, last Sunday.  What did surprise me, however, was what PIGGY EATERS these vamps were!  Seriously, who over the age of 3 eats like this?

“That stripper was yummy, Mommy!”

Please don’t tell me that the Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi and his new Sheriff can’t afford to invest in a pack of wet naps.

Tara pleads for Vampire Bill to rescue her.  Unfortunately, Bill cannot engage in any strenuous activity until 30 minutes after he has finished eating, or he gets really bad cramps.  So he tells Tara, “No.”

No worries!  Franklin has fun plans for his human doll, Tara!  And those fun plans involve dressing her in the ugliest, least flattering, wedding dress I have ever seen, and tying her to the bedpost.  What fun!

“Hope you brought a bed pan.  Because I really have to pee.”

When Lafayette texts Tara to ascertain her whereabouts, Franklin (after making sure Lafayette isn’t a boyfriend of hers) uses the opportunity to display his mad texting skills.  “Watch how fast I can type, ‘motherf*cker,”’ he brags, as his vampire fingers go all swirly whirly, like a raver on ecstacy. 

Tara seems impressed.  She might even clap . . . if her hands weren’t attached to the bed.  Later that day, while Franklin sleeps in bed next to her (Don’t vampires sleep in coffins, in this world?), Tara gnaws through her arm restraints (SERIOUSLY?  What kind of crazy, gnarly, teeth does this girl have?). 

 Free at last, she dashes out of the mansion in broad daylight, sprinting across the field, as fast as her legs can carry her.  Unfortunately, she’s spotted by the guard dog.

I wish MY guard dog looked like that!

Guard Dog Coot tackles Tara, and starts licking her face . . . Just kidding, only Franklin is allowed to do that.

When Coot returns Tara to “her rightful owner,” Franklin bursts into tears.  He’s just bawling like a baby.  He can’t understand why, on earth, Tara would possibly want to leave him.   Especially after he offered her a VINTAGE dress, and fed her exotic cuisine.

Tastes like Skanky Stripper chicken.

Tara, recognizing that being “nice” to Franklin will earn her more privileges and a better chance at escape, turns on the charm.  Not an easy feat for a girl who, lets face it, isn’t all that charming to begin with.  Tara tells Franklin she doesn’t fear him, only the other vampires.  She also explains how, while the flowers look delicious, she’d really much prefer some Mac ‘N Cheese.  Franklin seems elated by Tara’s sudden change in heart.  He offers to plan a celebration in honor of Tara’s last night being human.  He wishes to make her his Vampire Bride.

This time, my shocked face is genuine.  I didn’t see that one coming . . .

Later, while Franklin is chatting with the Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi . . .

 . . . we learn a few things: (1) that Franklin was the one searching Vampire Bill’s house for intel on Sookie; (2) that Russell hired him to do it; (3) that, for whatever reason, Vampire Bill is not only keeping a dossier on Sookie, he also appears to be charting Sookie’s geneology, to ascertain the origins of her telepathy.  Because that’s what all good boyfriends do for the girls they love, right?  Stalk them. 

“But, of course!  Love means never having to get a restraining order!”

Jason Stackhouse: Dumber than a box of rocks, but pretty enough for it not to make a difference

Undoubtedly, the fine citizens of Bon Temps can sleep a little better tonight, knowing that Jason Stackhouse is out there protecting them.  And by “protecting them,” I mean cruising them while shirtless, and giving them the best Tree Hump they ever had.  Yes, this episode marked Jason’s first day on the job as an “Assistant Liason Deputy,” after he bribed new Sheriff Andy Bellefleur to let him on the force.

Crime has a new enemy.  And it looks GOOD shirtless!

At first, Andy, who, unlike Jason, is no dummy, keeps his protege safely behind the desk.  At first, Jason doesn’t seem to mind too much.  After all, there are SO many fun things to do behind a desk!  One can . . . make a paperclip jump rope!  Or put ink from a stamp pad all over his face!  Or play paper football!

But after a while, Jason starts to go a bit stir crazy, and begs for something “more active” to do.  And like, I said, Andy is no dummy!  He’s also my hero.  Because he provides Jason with a task that not only helps the citizens of Bon Temps, it also helps True Blood fans across the world!  It’s a task that involves Jason taking off his shirt AND getting wet!

“Working at the CAR WASH! Ohohohoh!  Working at the CAR WASH, yeah!”

Andy has Jason wash the cop cars!  BRILLIANT!  While Jason is flexing his muscles, however, he spies a familiar face.

“Hey, there Hot Stuff!  Allow me to introduce myself.  I’m your Next Conquest!”

Jason is so excited about seeing his dream girl again  (The first time he spotted her, she was crying in a field, in the trailer park.), that he forgets to put his shirt on before hopping in the cop car and giving chase.  (Woo Hoo!)

When Jason asks Crystal for her license and registration, she staunchly refuses.  “Are you resisting me?”  Jason inquires, amazed that anyone would have the nerve to resist his abs an officer of the law. 

But Crystal doesn’t believe Jason’s a real cop.   And rightfully so.  He has no badge . . . and no shirt.  Undeterred, Jason invites Crystal to meet him that night at Merlotte’s, which apparently is the ONLY bar in town, because no one seems to go anywhere else . . . EVER.  (Fangtasia is actually a few towns over.)  While Jason waits for Crystal, he runs into Andy who tells him that, thanks to a few pulled strings, Jason CAN become a cop.  The only problem, he has to pass THE EXAM.

Seeing as the only tests Jason “passes” are the pregnancy tests he buys for the girls he might have accidentally knocked up . . .

It may say “minus,” but for Jason this one’s an A+ for sure!

Fortunately, for Jason, Crystal arrives to save the day!  

 She leads Jason out into the woods and the two start humping against a tree, like two dogs in heat.  (Can’t you get splinters from tree bark?  Bark burn, perhaps?) 

The whole tree f*cking scenario is so romantic that Jason immediately starts talking about love, marriage, and all that mushy crap.  “Dude!  It’s our first date!  Stop being such a woman!”  Crystal scolds.

(No, actually, she doesn’t say that.  But she DOES tell Jason to not get caught up in future talk, and to just worry about the here and now.)

Great advice, Crystal!  A tied down Jason = Some very sad fans indeed.

Jesus Loves Me

Speaking of getting tied down, Lafayette seems well on his way to doing just that.  When his mother’s nursemaid, Jesus, comes to visit our favorite drug – dealing fry cook at Merlotte’s, Lafayette is convinced his mother has died.  But no, Jesus simply wants inside those infamous Lafayette Pantalones.

Can you blame him?

And, let me tell you, Jesus could give Franklin Mott a run for his money in sheer aggressiveness.  When Lafayette tells the nursemaid he has to work, Jesus WAITS at the bar for him to finish his shift for NINE HOURS!  Can you imagine spending NINE HOURS at Merlotte’s?  Do you have any idea how much REALLY BAD country music you’d have to listen to?  (Shudders)  Now THAT’S dedication!

In Eric News . . .

Eric arrived at Big Gay Vampire Russell’s house.  He looked hot.  He flirted a bit with the ALSO hot, Talbot, in hopes of gleaning some important information from him later.

“Team Eric all the way!  He’s a much cleaner eater than Bill!”

In a play to rescue Pam from the evil clutches of the Magister, Eric asks Russell about Vampire Bill’s whereabouts, sticking to his story about how he believes  Bill to be dealing illegally V.  Russell calles his bluff, by bringing in Bill himself to refute these charges.  As soon as Eric hears that Bill has “switched teams,” he does what any good lovesick vampire would do, inquires after his girl.  “Does this mean that Sookie is free?”  He asks, a seductive glint in his eye.

Bill says, “Yes.”

Rest up, Viking Vamp!  Someone is about to give that “stamina” of yours a real run for its money . . .

While touring La Casa de Big Gay Vampire King, Eric comes across a Viking crown.  He recognizes it instantly as the crown his father wore when he was Viking King back in the day.  Apparently, Eric had “stamina” even back then.  In the flashback, Eric was so busy sticking it to the milkmaid, he failed to notice his parents were being killed by werewolves.   The dark cloaked figure controlling the werewolves, who absconded with Eric’s father’s crown, was none other than Russell Edgington.  Leaning over his father’s corpse, Eric vies for revenge. 

Well  . . .  seeing as centuries have passed since this happened, he’s a little late, but here’s hoping  Eric FINALLY gets what he wants . . .

Oh yeah . . . and I guess the “vengeance” part too (assuming he has any time left over, from his nonstop schedule of mindblowing sex.)

In Sam and his Annoying Redneck Family News . . .

Tommy is growing on me . . .

. . . and I’m not just saying that because he has a gun to my face. 

He was really sweet to Vampire Jessica, when she was obviously hurting over seeing Hoyt having prospectively “moved on” with another woman.  He also seemed really vulnerable when he begged Sam to be able to sleep over at his house, because he was afraid of what Joe Lee might do to him, if he returned home.  That night, a very drunk Joe Lee nearly broke down Sam’s door, demanding his son’s return.  I really hope this storyline isn’t going where I think its going.  Because I’m generally not a big fan of the incest  . . .

Let’s save the After School Specials and Abused Kid Stories for Lifetime, shall we, True Blood?

Speaking of Vampire Jessica . . .

. . . I loved how she got back at Arlene for being a hater.   And yet under the circumstances, you can’t really BLAME Arlene for fearing Vampire Jessica will glamour her, when she seems to do it to EVERYBODY ELSE. 

Did I mention that Arlene and Terry are moving in together?

Did you care?  Because I sure didn’t. Don’t get me wrong . . . I LIKE Terry.  I just really don’t like Arlene.  And I really don’t like Terry WITH Arlene.  So, I prefer to ignore this storyline.  Thank you very much.

And then there was Sookie . . .

Despite their FAB chemistry last week, Sookie and Alcide didn’t seem to be meshing very well this week.  Perhaps it was because he kept insisting on keeping his shirt on . . .

Hasn’t Jason Stackhouse taught you ANYTHING?

Sookie and Alcide spent most of the episode bickering, and it didn’t look pretty on either of them.  Sookie kept barging into Alcide’s head and reading his thoughts.  When she wasn’t doing that, she was nagging him about finding Beeeell! 

Alcide, for all his “evolved gentleman” talk, came off as a bit of a chauvinist pig, refusing to let Sookie help him in his investigation of the Big Bad Werewolves.  Something tells me that unless Sookie teaches him right, Alcide will end up with a meek, barefoot and pregnant wife, whose sole joy in life is to feed her wolfman raw meat, after a full day spent cleaning the house.

“Mmmm, tastes like Sookie!”

That night, Trashtastic Debbie barges into Alcide’s home, her She-Mullet flapping in the wind.

Sookie really lets her have it for her poor treatment of Alcide.  She then tries to read Debbie’s thoughts to glean information about Bill, but comes up empty handed because Debbie has no brain.

Later, Sookie and Alcide visit the werewolf packleader to ask for help against the Big Bad Werewolves.  Unfortunately, said packleader is a WIMPY WEINERFACE.  The mere mention of the Big Bad Werewolves and the Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi has the “Grand Exalted Leader” nearly pissing his pants with fear . . .

Who’s afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?  The Big Bad Wolf.  The Big Bad Wolf.  Who’s afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?  Hahahahahaaa.

Back at La Casa de Alcide, Sookie receives a visitor.  It’s VAMPIRE BILL!

Bill and Sookie embrace lovingly, as if the whole, “Lorena and I f*cked like only two vampires can” statement was never made.  Bill warns Sookie she has to leave ASAP.  At this point, I’m trying to remember whether Bill was actually invited in to Alcide’s house, as per vampire rules.  He just seemed to magically appear there.

But you know who DEFINITELY wasn’t invited in?  THIS TURD . . .

Russell barges into the house with Coot and his werewolf goons.  They attack Bill and Alcide first.  Poor Alcide gets kicked in the nuts.  AGAIN!  That boy SERIOUSLY has to invest in a protective cup, if he wants to keep hanging out with Sookie . . .

But when Coot lunges for Sookie, she does that sparkly lightning bolt thingy with her hand that we saw her do last season to Maenad Maryanne.  Coot flies backward from the impact of the electric shock.  Far from being annoyed by the incapacitation of his top henchman, Russell seems THRILLED by this recent turn of events.  He laughs uproariously.  “FANTASTIC!”  He howls.

Here’s hoping next week’s episode begins with Sookie sticking a lightning bolt up RUSSELL’S ass.  We’ll see how much he’s laughing then . . .

Hooked on V, Worked for ME! – A Recap of True Blood’s “9 Crimes”

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  After having a week off to enjoy some fireworks, eat burnt barbecued weiners, and get wasted on cheap beer, our favorite Bon Temps residents returned this week to do even more BAD THINGS.  As you may have noticed from the title of this post, this True Blood episode was entitled “9 Crimes.”  Since, to my knowledge, the title was never explicitly explained in the context of the episode, this forced me to break out my trusty old Criminal Law book . . .

Lo and behold, there were NINE CRIMES committed during this episode.   These crimes were (in no particular order): breaking and entering (Tommy Merlotte at Sam’s house); theft (Tommy from Sam again); squatting (Sam’s white trash biological family); falsifying evidence (Andy Bellefleur re: the circumstances surrounding Egg’s death); extortion (Jason to Andy re: same); dealing illegal narcotics (Eric, Pam, Lafayette re: V); kidnapping (Franklin to Tara); assault and battery (Franklin to Tara); murder? (Lorena, Bill, and Russell to that stripper chick – implied).  Actually, there were way MORE than nine crimes committed in this episode. But this is True Blood, not Law and Order.  And there’s really no need to get technical . . .

So, without further adieu, let’s get criminal.  Shall we?

Alcide Gets Shirtless.  TV Recapper Wins Twenty Bucks

Clearly Joe Manganiello is basking in the glory of our mutual win.  Hence, the cool shades . . .

Not to toot my own horn, but . . .

Toot, Toot!

Last week, I entered into a friendly wager as to when Joe Manangiello’s character Alcide Herveaux, would take off his shirt, and reveal those god-like man pects of his.  I bet that THIS would be the week he did it.  The VERY FIRST SCENE of the episode proved me right!

Now, even though Alcide is very much the “new suitor in town,” and I am still a Sookie / Eric girl all the way . . .

. . . I must admit that the chemistry between these two was pretty palpable.  And the fact that they were both obviously fighting their feelings for one another, made the whole scene even hotter. 

When the episode begins, Sookie is in Alcide’s bedroom, “nursing” his wounds, all of which are conveniently located in the oh-so-sexy abdominal and lower back region.  (See?  Even Evil Drug Addicted Werewolves can appreciate the value of a pretty face.  Alcide’s didn’t have a scratch on it.) 

As Sookie fondles him  treats his wounds, the two discuss Alcide’s ex, Debbie.  Feeling obvious sympathy for Alcide’s “man pain,” Sookie allows her hand to linger affectionately on his shoulder.  In a highly sexually charged moment, Alcide notices the hand, and looks at Sookie.   They share “a moment.”  A moment that is interrupted when Cock Block Bill calls . . .

It Takes a “Real Man” to Dump His Lady, Via Telephone (and by “Real Man,” I mean “Spineless Turd”)

“Can you hear me now, A**HOLE?”

Yep, this was the episode where Bill “dumped” Sookie, to save her from a life of boredom and bad sex danger, sadness, and lethal threats from powerful vampires.  Oh, and this wasn’t your Garden Variety Dump, either.  Bill may be dull beneath the sheets, but when it comes to making a girl feel like crap, this dude is a CHAMP! 

In this lovely conversation, Bill tells Sookie that he has VOLUNTARILY left her, and that he is now with Lorena.  “Me and Lorena just made love.  We f*&ked like only two vampires can,” explains Bill, conversationally, bringing back to my mind that oh-so-passionate “head-turning” scene from the last episode.

Yeah . . . thanks for the memories, Vampire Bill.

I REALLY wanted the typically Spunky Sookie to fight back, after receiving this AWFUL treatment from the guy who had, just a few episodes back PROPOSED to her.  But, I guess she was caught off guard.  Because, despite all the d-bag things Bill was saying to her, Sookie just kept blubbering on and begging him to reconsider.  HELLO!   HE CHEATED ON YOU . . . with HER . . .

 . . . and told you SHE was better in bed than YOU.  What more evidence do you need to BEAT this MO FO?

“Don’t try to find me.  I do not wish to be found,” Bill finally concludes, before HANGING UP ON HER!

“Oh no you di-n’t!”

Alcide tries to comfort Sookie, having recently experienced a similar dumping of his own, at the hands of Trashy Debbie.  Unfortunately, the wolfman appears to be missing a sensitivity chip.  “No matter how well you think you know someone, they always end up kicking you in the nut sack,” Alcide sweetly offers.

“I don’t have a nut sack,” replies Sookie, dumbfounded.

You do now . . .

Alcide then puts his big muscular manly arm around Sookie  She inexplicably sniffs his armpit (yum), and nestles her head in his chest.  “You feel so warm,” she says flirtatiously (Good ole Sookie, always a STAR at hitting on men, even when in the midst of a crisis).

“It’s a werewolf thing.  We always run hot,” replies Alcide.

Truer words have never been spoken . . .

Gentlemanly Alcide, not wanting to take advantage of Sookie during her time of need (damn!), rises from the bed (no pun intended).  “You probably want some privacy,” he mutters.

“That’s the last thing I want,” answers Sookie, coyly.  (Wow, the girl is RELENTLESS.)

“Well . . . let me at least put a shirt on,” Alcide demands, before leaving the room.

Did he just say what I think he said?  A boy in True Blood who WANTS to keep his shirt on?  He MUST be new . . .

A Dream is a Wish Your Weiner Makes . . .

You know who has NO problem taking his shirt off, and taking advantage of Sookie during her time of need?  THIS GUY . . .

A few scenes later, we see our favorite Viking Vampire standing outside Sookie’s window.  The only problem?  Sookie’s window is on the third floor.  “Can all vampires fly?”  Sookie inquires, after inviting the second hunk of the evening into her bedroom.  (Girl wastes NO TIME.)

“Can all humans sing?” Eric quips in response, as he moves toward her seductively.  “How goes the search?”

“Turns out [Lousy Lay, Phone Dumper Bill] is not what I was looking for,” Sookie replies, grabbing Eric’s open black shirt with her fingers and clawing at its buttons.

She inhales Eric’s scent (apparently, girlfriend REALLY likes to sniff), and is taken aback by the fact that he has one.  “You smell like the ocean in winter.  Bill doesn’t smell like anything at all.  How is that possible?”

“That’s because Bill is BORING and I am AWESOME!  It’s not possible,” whispers Eric, who is so turned on by Sookie, that he has been rendered completely incapable of making snarky and very obvious comebacks about Bill’s lack of stamina.  His eyes roll back in his head in ecstacy.

“You used to play by the North Sea as a boy,” explains Sookie.

Eric’s eyes widen.  He blinks back tears.  He has never met anyone who understood him this way, who saw him as more than a cold (but very hot) vampire enforcer.  “I can smell your memories,” continues Sookie.  “I’ve got skills you can’t even dream about.”

Suddenly, the two are kissing one another ferociously, hands in eachothers’ hair, nails clawing at eachother’s necks.  And it’s SO HOT and DIRTY, it makes the previous scene with Alcide look like Sesame Street.  Sookie pushes Eric down on the bed, and allows her nightgown to fly away with the breeze from the open window, leaving her in just a bra and panties.  She straddles him and says, “Want some more?”

But her voice sounds different . . . because it isn’t her . . . It’s Yvetta.  Eric “awakens” in Fangtasia.  Yvetta is giving him a lapdance.  The sex scene . . . it wasn’t real.  Eric looks depressed.  So are we . . .

Sam and his Stray Dogs (and Baby Vampires)

“The most exciting thing about my trailer trash family storyline is ME, and how good I look with my shirt off.  Too bad you didn’t get to see it this week.”

Sam wakes up in the middle of the night to find a “bird” trying to get into his safe.  Of course, the “bird” is none other than his ass hat new brother, Tommy.  Sam responds to this breaking and entering / theft by OFFERING TOMMY A JOB AT MERLOTTE’S!  Huh?

“What? I don’t look like a model employee to you?”

Santa Sam also offers to get his Ma and Pa a place to live, when he learns that they’ve been kicked out of their home, and have been squatting in his parking lot for days.  Bad Move, Santa!  I know they are supposed to be his family and all, but I just don’t trust these folks.

In addition to rescuing Ma, Pa, and Tommy, Sam also offers a waitressing job to the now-orphaned Vampire Jessica, a plot development I am actually really excited about.

“Welcome to Merlotte’s can I take your order?  Tonight’s specials include a nice big bite on your neck, and a highly painful death.”

The only problem is that, now that she is out in the open, Vampire Jessica is bound to run into people from her previous life.  This means she’s going to have to keep “glamouring” cute boys into forgetting her existence, like that adorable little bible thumper, who visited her in the bar during this episode.  But, hey, at least that means she can’t meet other men.  So, there is still hope for Hoyt . . .

I miss these two together.

Tara Thornton Can’t Catch a Break . . .

“Sookie gets Alcide and Eric in a SINGLE episode, and I get THIS?  Are you SERIOUS?”

Things just went from bad to worse for Poor Tara, after she was forced to let Franklin into her home, at the end of last week’s episode.  First, Franklin glamoured her into giving up information about Sookie’s relationship with Bill.  He then used her as a puppet, putting words into her mouth, when she called Sookie to ascertain the girl’s whereabouts.   According to Franklin, his “employer” was interested in finding Sookie.  But we don’t know who that is yet.  Or do we?

Franklin then threw Tara up against the wall and gave her the nastiest tongue kiss EVER, before tying her up and gagging her in Sookie’s home!  The next day, Franklin kidnaps Tara and takes her on a little “road trip”  to see none other than the Big Gay Vampire of Mississippi, and Bill’s new boss himself, Russel Edgington.

Is it just me, or does this guy have his nose in EVERY plotline this season.  Russel is SO the new maenad!

To add further insult to injury, Russel’s boy toy, Talbot, thinks Franklin brought Tara as food, and he’s NOT INTERESTED.  “Ugh, she’s skinny,” he scoffs.  Ouch.

“Were”‘s The Beef?

Although initially reluctant to help Sookie continue her search for ass hat Bill (He even called her a “doormat,” lol.), Alcide ultimately changes his mind when he learns from Sookie that his ex Debbie is hooked on V, and getting initiated into the Evil Operation Werewolf pack that night.  Sookie found this information out from Alcide’s cool, albeit uber-trashy, hairdresser sister, Janice, who was WAY disappointed when she found out Sookie wasn’t already boning Alcide.

When Janice learns that Sookie is heading back to Lou Pine’s were bar, she eagerly offers to give Sookie a “make under” so that she will fit in better.  Apparently, the werewolves in Mississippi left their fashion sense back in the 1980s, and country girl Sookie is just way too wholesome (and modern) to mesh well with the rest of the gang.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a picture of the actual Skanky Sookie, but I CAN tell you, that she ended up looking something like THIS . . .

 . . . except with a black wig, instead of a pink one, and .  . . you know . . . NOT Natalie Portman.  But you get the idea.

At Lou Pine’s, Alcide has a painful run in with Fug Debbie and her Hideously Greasy She Mullet.  (Would someone explain to me WHY a guy like Alcide would EVER consider dating a girl like THAT, let alone pine for her?  Because to me, it just defies explanation.) 

In a conversation that closely paralleled Sookie’s with Bill, Debbie tells Alcide she’s moved on to a better man, or perhaps more accurately, a better wolf — a wolf who’s name is just an “er” ending short of being REALLY unfortunate.

“The fact that you are hot, and have muscles, is the ONLY reason you didn’t get your ass kicked in elementary school . . . COOTER.”

Debbie’s initiation ceremony begins with a familiar face meeting her on stage . . . Bet you can’t guess who .  . .

I TOLD you, he gets his nose in everything!  So, apparently, Russel has been the V supplier of these werewolves all along.  The wolfmen bow down to him, as he bites his own wrist, and allows its blood to leak into a bevy of shot glasses.  All of the wolves drink the blood eagerly, except for Alcide, of course, and Debbie, who isn’t aloud to drink or else “her brand will heal.”   Debbie screams in pain, as she is fondled by a bunch of ugly weres and marked with a hot cattle brand.  I’d actually feel bad for her, if she wasn’t such a raging b&tch.

Then, either because it’s a full moon, or because they simply got excited by the branding ceremony, the entire bar starts to morph into actual werewolves, including Alcide.  His eyes yellow, as he literally BARKS at Sookie to run away.  Elsewhere, Vampire Bill is alerted to her danger by his internal Sookie Alarm, which apparently is unaware that the two have already broken up.

Mr. Bill has Gone BAD!

This week, Vampire Bill continued his downward spiral into vampiric evil.  Last week, I admitted thinking that his  recent evil deeds kind of made him seem interesting and hot.  This week?  Not so much . . .

After breaking Sookie’s heart into a thousand pieces, Vampire Bill had another joyless roll in the hay with Evil Lorena.  He then literally threw her out of his room.  With Lorena’s nasty sex juices still on his body, he went downstairs to have a little chat with Big Gay Vampire of Mississippi, Russel.

There he is again.  Busy little bee, that Russel.

Bill offered Russel information about Queen Sophie’s commandeering of Vampire Eric to illegally deal V in Louisianna.  (What?  Do ALL Vampire Kings deal their own blood now?)  He did this in exchange for the death of Lorena, the lady he just laid.  So, basically, Bill screwed Lorena (twice), as well as, Eric, Pam, and Queen Sophie, in just a matter of minutes.  And Eric said Bill didn’t have stamina . . .

Later that evening, at Russel’s behest, Bill finds a sad young stripper for Russel and Lorena to eat.  He watches her be tortured to death for a little while, before taking a few bites for himself.  How’s that for a gentleman?

“At least after I ate, I said thankyou.”

A Kinder, More Sensitive Vampire Eric (who still knows how to kick some ass)

If Vampire Bill was showing his dark side this week, and displaying his truly douchy qualities, Vampire Eric was doing quite the opposite.  In addition to sweetly pining over Sookie during the episode’s first half, Eric also came to Lafayette’s rescue when he got into some trouble, while trying to deal V to some uninterested clients.  He also ingeniously nicknamed Lafayette, “RuPaul.”

 Good one, Eric!  Fellow Nickname Champ, Sawyer (from Lost) would be proud!

As the two drove away in Lafayette’s brand new ride, provided to him by Eric himself, Eric attempted to give the adorable gay man advice on “sales techniques” and “catering to different demographics.”

“Hooker, I am SO Team Eric now.  You have NO idea!”

Unfortunately, the bromantic buddy session was cut short, when Eric learned that the “Magister” was raiding Fangtasia.  Apparently, after his informative conversation with Vampire Bill, the annoyingly omnipresent Russel Edgington tipped off the Magister to Eric’s V dealings.  When Eric returns to the bar, he finds his “child” Vampire Pam, being bound and tortured by the Magister’s goons.

The good news is, you get to be a series regular this season, Vampire Pam.  The bad news is, it looks like you get to spend a good portion of the season as damsel in distress. . .

When the Magister threatens Vampire Pam’s life, Vampire Eric is visually distressed over the thought of losing his “child.”  He will do anything to save her, even if it means throwing Vampire Bill under the bus for being behind the V dealing.

Payback’s a b&tch, isn’t it, Vampire Bill?

In OTHER news. . .

Andy Bellefleur is the new sheriff of Bon Temps!

And while I think Andy will make a FABULOUS sheriff, I couldn’t help but giggle at fellow cop, Kenya, and her sour grapes assessment of the whole thing.  “Apparently, all you need to do to become sheriff in this town, is drink like a fish, hallucinate farm animals, and shoot potential murder suspects.”

Special thanks to Kenya for reminding me of one of my FAVORITE running jokes from Season 2. 

Also, the typically angelic (and gorgeous) Jason Stackhouse . . .

. . . was uncharacteristically a**hole-esque this week, when he picked on a high school football star out of jealousy, and tried to blackmail Andy into making Jason into a cop, without having to go through the proper protocol.  And while I was really MAD at Jason, for treating his loyal pal so shabbily, if his actions pave the way for more “buddy cop” moments between these two in episodes to come, I think can manage to forgive it.

What I CAN’T forgive, however, was that Jason’s SHIRT was ON the entire episode!  Fix that next week, Alan Ball!  Please?

 

Bill Compton’s got moves that will make your head spin! – A Recap of True Blood’s “It Hurts Me Too.”

“Hey, Sookie!  Did you see what your boyfriend just did to that chick’s head?  That was some freaky sh*t!”

“Yeah.  I know I’m supposed to be all mad that he like totally cheated on me.  But I just keep rubbing my neck, and thinking, ‘Better you than me, b*tch.  Better you than me . ..'”

Boy, did Alan Ball and Co. reap the benefits of being on “pay cable,” and having a “Mature Audiences” rating tonight!  Tonight’s True Blood installment featured no less than THREE hard core sex scenes, each one more raunchy than the next, three pretty gruesome dead bodies, and one . . . burning bush.

Did I mention we got introduced to THIS GUY?

I’m starting a little betting pool on how many more episodes before we get to see this hot werewolf without his shirt on.  Any takers?  I’m willing to bet it happens next episode.  Sookie and Alcide have to SLEEP eventually.  And if you looked like THAT, would YOU wear clothing to bed?  I think not . . .

So, let’s try to “wrap our heads around” this episode, shall we?

 Ooops!  Sorry, Lorena!  I guess that was in poor taste, under the circumstances . . .

“Lessons in Good Housekeeping” by Sookie Stackhouse

Poor Sookie!  For a girl who seemingly spends every episode cleaning her house, she sure collects a lot of interesting stains on that carpet of hers.  (Maenad-induced orgy juice anyone?)  When we last left our favorite Merlotte’s waitress, she was hanging out with Eric.  And the two crazy lovebirds were engaged in their own unique brand of foreplay.  You know the drill.  Eric makes sexual innuendos; Sookie fends him off passionately; they stare angrily / lovingly into one anothers’ eyes; someone tries to kill Sookie . . .  the usual.

The higher the body count, the hotter the love . . .

This week’s candidate for a Viking Vampire Ass Whupping was a random nameless werewolf hopped up on vampire blood.  He apparently hailed from that pesky Jackson, Mississippi-based were-gang that has been bothering Vampire Bill for two episodes now.  Sookie tries to shoot him herself, but in a  brash show of machismo (“No way I’m letting my lady do my murdering for me!”), Eric dives in front of the bullet, and valiantly takes it in the chest, before literally chewing the were’s head off. 

 “I got your carpet wet,” admits Bloody Eric apologetically, his speech garbled by the bits of man-dog still lodged in his teeth.  (He’s been alive for centuries, and still NO ONE has taught him not to speak with his mouth full.  Someone clearly needs a Mommy!)

Eric and Sookie then head back into Sookie’s already corpse crowded backyard to bury the latest Trophy of Love.  Sookie is not so much bothered by the fact that someone died in her house, as she is by the fact that Eric killed him before she could “mind read” him in to giving up Bill’s whereabouts.  And you just KNOW that Eric’s got it bad for the spunky barmaid, when he actually responds to her ungrateful idiocy by APOLOGIZING! 

My heart really went out to Mr. Macho Vamp, as he sheepishly admitted to Sookie that he might not have been strong enough to save her from the V-strengthened werewolf, had they held off any longer on killing him.  Talk about having your metaphorical balls cut off!  That admission really had to hurt. 

On their little romantic post burial stroll back home, Sookie tells Eric that she must go to Jackson to find and rescue Bill.  “Do us all a favor and stay out of trouble,” warns Eric.  “You are no good to anyone, if you are killed.”  (Awwwww!  He so LUUUUUVES HER!)

The next afternoon, after putting together an impromptu funeral for Tara’s Eggs . . .

Sunny side DOWN . . .

 . . . Sookie is scrubbing up her bloody floor, when a mysterious stranger approaches her from behind. (Wink, wink!)  She hears the stranger thinking about how pretty and blonde she is, and immediately runs into the house.  But the stranger is faster and more powerful.  He wraps his big sexy arms around her waist, and says “Eric Northman sent me.  I’m here to look at your boobs after you.”

Clearly Eric has a lot of confidence in his “stamina” to be OK with Sookie going on vacation with a guy who looks like this.

Typically, werewolves and vampires don’t mix.  However, Alcide apparently owes some sort of debt to Eric that is in need of repayment.  So, off head Sookie and Alcide to Lou Pines, a hardcore werewolf biker bar.

Lou Pines?  Really?  Is that the best you can do, Alan Ball?  I could think of about a thousand cooler names for a werewolf bar than this.  How about, for example, “The Hair of the Dog (that Bit You),” or “No Fleas,” or “WERE’S the Beer?”  (Get it, “were,” like in WEREwolf . . . never mind.)

Anyway at Lame-O Lou Pines, Sookie puts on her dumb blonde act, in hopes of getting some information on Mr. Bill.  She reads one dude’s mind and figures out he was one of the were’s that kidnapped Bill in his car.  (Sheesh!  How many werewolves were IN that car, anyway?  Because I’m pretty sure we’ve met at least six already.   Bill must have one of those clown cars, I used to see in the circus . . .)

“We’ll all be expecting our SAG cards in the mail, thank you!”

Random Clown Car Werewolf catches wind that Sookie is not the brainless bimbo she seems, and starts attacking her.  In typical True Blood male fashion, Alcide tries to jump in and rescue her.  He gets in a few good punches, before the rest of the werepack starts beating the crap out of him.  Luckily, the owner of the bar (Lou Pine, I presume?), breaks up the fight and kicks out the offending weres.  Then, in a complete non-sequitur moment, the bar owner tells Alcide that his ex-girlfriend is gettting engaged to Coot, head of the Evil Werewolf Clan, the following day, at the bar.  (WAY TO STAY CLASSY, Alcide’s ex!)

Hmmm . . . so Alcide’s former girlfriend went from dating this  . . .

 . . . to this . . .

Color me impressed!

Creepiest O Face, EVER!

Apparently, Sookie and Eric aren’t the only human / vampire pair turned on by random acts of violence.  When we last saw Tara, she was punching the stuffing out of some drunkards, while “new in town” vamp Franklin Mott gallantly held them still for her.  Now she’s in bed with the new vamp, and the poor girl looks like she’s having a seizure! 

Now, I don’t know if this was done on purpose. (Rutina Wesley gave some FANTASTIC O Face, back when she was getting it on with Eggs in Season 2.  So I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt here.)  But, watching this, I honestly couldn’t tell if Tara was enjoying herself, or literally having the life f&*ked out of her.

While doing the deed, Tara begs Franklin to bite her and he refuses.  When she asks him why, he replies, “Because you want me to.”  (OH NO!  That’s never a good sign!  RUN TARA!  RUN LIKE THE WIND!)

During the post-coital cuddling session, Tara basically blows Franklin off, telling her she can’t be in a relationship now and blah, blah, blah.  But, of course, this wouldn’t be True Blood, if Tara wasn’t being beaten up, mind controlled, and abused.  So, when Franklin visits Tara at Sookie’s house, where she is staying for the time being, it didn’t surprise me at all they he compels her against her will to let him in.  Here we go again . . .

(Sidenote:  If Vampires can COMPEL or GLAMOUR humans to invite them into their homes, why don’t they do it all the time?  Isn’t that the ultimate loophole?)

Vampire Jessica just got in over her HEAD . . .

“I’d rather be taking my SAT’s, than dealing with this sh*t.”

The Good News is Vampire Jessica’s “dad’s” house doesn’t have that awful smell anymore.  The Bad News is that Jessica’s lost something you can’t exactly pick up at the local Lost and Found. (And NO, I’m not talking about her eternal virginity). 

In a classic little scene, Jessica calls Vampire Pam to ask for advice on her little problem.  Just like her maker, Vampire Pam apparently never learned not to talk with her mouth full.  She picks up the phone right in the middle of doing something that rhymes with  . . . bug crunching?

“Oh, don’t be such a prude, TV Recapper!  I was eating out!  What’s the big deal?”

Vampire Pam basically tells Jessica not to worry about the whole Missing Person Thing.  “No body, no problem,” she says, more or less.

Later, however, Vampire Jessica is visited by that Pesky Vamp, Franklin Mott . . .

 . . . who, apparently, has a gift for her . . . the severed head of that Missing Dude she killed!   (Hoyt found the rest of his body, buried in Bon Temps).   Mott basically plans to blackmail Vampire Jessica — keeping her murderous tendencies a secret, in exchange for information on Vampire Bill. 

(Uh . . . Franklin, that was a nice “gift” and all, but I think she would have preferred a necklace . . .)

Miscellaneous Plot Points

Before I get to the episode’s “Big TWIST,” let’s get the other minor storylines out of the way . . . . 

First, Jason Stackhouse is HOT!

But, you knew that already . . . What you didn’t know was that he wants to become a cop!

NO!  Not an angel!  I said a COP!

But he couldn’t go through with the application process, because he kept seeing bullet holes in people’s heads, as a result of his guilt over killing Eggs.

Sheriff Budd randomly quit the police force, because he got tired of looking at dead bodies.  That means that this guy will probably end up in charge . . .

Arlene is pregnant, which means the stupidest baby in Bon Temps is about to be born . . .

But it’s not Terry’s . . . which begs the question, “Who else, in their right mind, would screw Arlene “So I Married a Serial Killer” Fowler?”

Sam’s family is a bunch of alcoholic hicks . . . and his biological brother and dad hate him. 

But at least he looks nice with his shirt off . . .

Finally, Eric gave Lafayette a hot new car, so he could conduct his V-dealing business in style.

Lafayette is thrilled.  Wouldn’t you be?

Vampire Bill is Turning Heads Everywhere He Goes!

Back at the Big GayVampire King of Mississippi’s house, Russell “stops, drops, and rolls” burning Lorena up in an expensive rug. 

Talbot is PISSED!

King Russell then more or less threatens to harm Sookie, if Bill doesn’t leave Queen Sophie Anne’s “kingdom” in Louisianna, and pledge “fealty” to him in Mississippi.  That morning(?), while Bill is sleeping, he flashes back to his early “baby vamp” days, when he visited his wife (that chick who played Ryan’s one time GF Lindsay on the O.C.) . . .

 . . . and learned that his son died of “the pox.”  When Bill cries tears of blood over the loss of his child, his wife freaks out and shoots a hole in his arm.  Giving Bill her best “I told you so,” face, Vampire Lorena, convinces him to glamour his wife so that she forgets about his reappearance.  “Vampires will only cause humans pain.  The only way we can show love for humans, is by leaving them,” she says, more or less.

Pained by the memory of his wife, Bill walks downstairs and immediately agrees to be Vampire Russell’s b&tch for all eternity.  When Lorena comes by to gloat . . .

. . . Vampire Bill screws her, while trying to rip her head off.  But instead of breaking her neck, he ends up twisting her head around, like she’s some perverse pornographic Gumby doll.

It’s gross!  But Lorena doesn’t seem to mind.  In fact, mid screw, she tells Bill, “I still love you.”

Except, Bill can’t hear her . . . because her head’s on backwards . . .

Tune in next week, when Alcide will, hopefully, takes his shirt off, and allow me to recoup on my bet.  Because I could really use the cash . . .

“Conscience Off! Dick On!” – A Recap of True Blood’s Season 3 Premiere “Pack of Wolves”

“Hey, look at me.  I’m naked on TV!  That never happens!”

Welcome back fellow Fangbangers!  Another season of True Blood is officially upon us.  And from the looks of it, the town of Bon Temps is, once again, about to get very bloody (not to mention slutty).  Tonight’s premiere episode, may not have given us all that much in the way of plot development.  However, it did offer a ton of biting, a prospective new group of villians, some great one liners, and more hot shirtless men than a Gay Pride Parade. 

Speaking of gay pride, am I the only one who was TOTALLY shipping a Bill and Sam coupling, after this episode?  Those two are SPICY!  And with a cool shipper name like BAM, it’s pretty obvious that this is a couple destined for greatness . . .

“I’ve always admired a man with big ‘belt buckle.'”

But, perhaps, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here . . . let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

He’s My Boyfriend, and I’ll Whine if I Want To . . .

Bon Temps has installed a new security security system.  Here’s how it works.  These two nag and yell . . . and all men are instantly repelled.

The episode begins pretty much right where the Season 2 finale left off.  Bill has been kidnapped, and Sookie is desperate to find him.  And let me tell you, hell hath no fury, like a nearly-engaged woman jilted.  After chewing out the female police officer investigating the crime scene, and interrogating a very distracted (and for good reason) Vampire Jessica, Sookie heads out to Fangtasia to put the moves on question Eric.  But before she can speak to him, she has to get by Pam first.

Have I mentioned lately how THRILLED I am that this fabulous femme has been upgraded to “season regular” status?

“I don’t recall telling you that purple was my favorite color,” coos Pam, making Whiny Purple Dress-Wearing Sookie noticeably uncomfortable.  (But Sookie, I thought you were bisexual? Or, maybe I’m mistaking you for the actress that plays you.)

“I don’t have time for any lesbian weirdness from you,” replies Sookie.  (Awww!  Poor Pam!  Foiled again!)

After pushing past Pam, (“She overpowered me!”), Sookie finds Eric in the midst of a LONG screwing session with new Fangtasia dancer, Yvetta.

I’m not usually one to notice high production value, but I ADORED the way this encounter between Sookie and Eric was shot.  With it’s soft lighting, and hazy pastel hues, the scene felt more like an erotic dream than a television show.  Alexander Skaarsgard’s blatant nudity certaintly didn’t hurt either. 

The tension between these two nearly hits a boiling point, when Sookie shamelessly accuses Vampire Eric of orchestrating Bill’s kidnapping.  Eric gamely denies these allegations.  However, he does take the opportunity to berate Vampire Bill’s sexual prowess (“Is Bill’s stamina not up to snuff?”), and flirt with Sookie (“I want what is his.”).  After securing Vampire Eric’s “promise” to find Bill, Sookie heads to the police station to yell at more cops, before heading back home.  There, she encounters fellow Spurned Sister on the Rag, Tara . . .

Tara’s Eggs are No Longer Sunny Side Up . . .

“Bacon just isn’t the same without Eggs . . . “

Now don’t get me wrong.  I feel for Tara.  If my boyfriend looked like this .  . .

 . . . and was shot dead, after confessing to a series of murders he committed while “not in his right mind,” I would be pretty bummed too.  But it’s really hard to like Tara, when she spends all her time screaming at everybody.  I mean, it’s always OK to yell at Arlene, because she’s dumb, annoying, and more than a little racist.  But cute, cuddly, Andy Bellefleur?  Unacceptable! 

 The worst, however, is when Tara lays into SOOKIE (who put a roof over her head, and saved her LIFE) for letting Eggs “see” the many murders that he committed, while under the influence of the maenad.  “You basically signed his death warrant, you b*tch,” growls a Rabid Tara at her “former” best friend!  (Someone shoot this girl with a tranquilizer gun, and put us ALL out of our misery, please!)

Tired of babysitting his unruly witch of a cousin, Lafayette passes Tara off to her self-centered, crazy, former alcoholic, born-again Christian MOTHER.  BAD MOVE!  After just a few hours with this unbearable woman,  Tara is in the bathroom trying to OD on pills. 

Of course, we already know she’ll survive.  So, there’s really not much suspense here.  After all, based on the promos we’ve seen, Tara has to LIVE, so that she can have some very NOT HOT vampire sex with THIS BLOODSUCKER . . .

“Hey, Bad Kisser Guy!  Do us all a favor, and bite off her tongue, will you?”

First Sign of the Apocalypse: Jason Stackhouse can’t get it up!

“My weiner is depressed.  Kiss it, and make it better?”

Thank heaven for Andy Bellefleur!  Without his taking the rap for shooting Eggs, Jason Stackhouse would most certainly have been put in jail for murder.  And while he would undoubtedly look cute in an orange jumpsuit, a SHIRTLESS Jason Stackhouse is a terrible thing to waste.  Andy visits Jason at his house, in an attempt to keep him in line and to keep their “shooting story” straight. 

And then, suddenly, and out of no where, it seemed as though Andy Bellefleur had been possessed by female True Blood fans everywhere.  Because, for no rational reason whatsoever, Andy stopped talking about the dull “murder thing,” and started talking about how important it was for Jason to get laid . . .

“The Fangirls’ wish is my command!”

In order to “eliminate suspicion” and “keep up appearances,” Andy instructs Jason to act as he did BEFORE he shot Eggs (and BEFORE he joined that religious cult too, I guess).  That means LOVING THE LADIES, and LOVING THEM LOTS! 

“Conscience off!  Dick on!”  Andy commands.

Now THAT is a Jason Stackhouse motto, I can LIVE with!

Later, Jason hits up Merlotte’s with new roomie, Hoyt.

Welcome back, Jim Parrack!  LOVE the new buff bod!  Not such a fan of the new hair, though . . .

The two quickly and effortlessly pick up these pretty, but kind of dense, recent NYU grads, both of whom randomly have a thing for dogs.  But when they bring the girls back home, Hoyt is too busy whining over the loss of Vampire Jessica to do much screwing, and Jason keeps picturing the girls with bullet holes in their heads.   NOT a turn on!  (Note to the men out there:  If you TELL a girl that you keep seeing bullet holes in her head, she WILL think you want to murder her.  Some things are better left UNSAID.) 

Needless to say, neither of these sexy men get laid during this episode.  This is too bad.  Because I was REALLY hoping for some Jason Stackhouse Post-Coital Dancing . . .

“WOW!  Look at the size of that bullet hole!  Just kidding . . .LET’S BOOGIE!”

The Miraculous Tale of Vampire Bill, the F-U Crew, and Some Old Lady . . .

Well, the writers sure didn’t make us wait too long before telling us who took Vampire Bill.  Although his captor referred to his Band of Bumbling Idiots as the “F*&k You Crew,” those who have watched the promos, undoubtedly recognized him Werewolf Biker Badass, Coot (played by Grant Bowler). . .

Coot and his DOGS are trying to drive Bill to their secret lair.  The only problem is that they can’t seem to stop eating him.  (Don’t you hate it when that happens?)  So, the car goes off road, and Bill manages to escape.  Having been drained of quite a bit of blood, Vampire Bill wanders into some Old Broad’s home, feeds on her, and leaves, but not before glamouring her, and extracting some very important information for the viewers at home.  It turns out, our pal Bill is in Mississippi!

The Shirt Off His Back . . .

“Vampire Bill, I’m so upset!  I had the lamest plotline of this ENTIRE episode!

“Let’s f*&k!”

“OK, Vampire Bill.  That would make me feel much better.”

It’s a real shame that Vampire Bill is in Mississippi, and not Arkansas, where Sam is, because that would have undoubtedly improved this portion of the episode.   Sam’s storyline tonight was a MAJOR snoozer.  Apparently, he’s on a hunt for his biological trailer trash Mommy, and deadbeat brother .  . . blah, blah, blah.  Now on to the good stuff! 

So, if you recall, last season, Sam was stabbed in the chest, and was seriously wounded as a result.  If not for his massive intake of Vampire Bill’s blood, he would have died.  Of course, taking a lot of blood from a Vampire has its consequences.  For one thing, it makes you have sexual feelings for the Vampire you drank from, regardless of your previous sexual preference. 

So, one night, while Sam is sleeping, he has a dream that someone has visited him at his hotel.  THIS Vamp . . .

After being invited in, Vampire Bill asks Sam for some clothing, and Sam literally gives him the shirt off his back.  But Vampire Bill doesn’t put it on.  Instead, after admiring Sam’s physique, he asks to use his shower.  He then invites Sam to join him, and Sam AGREES!  “We are going to have a great time,” replies Bill.

And just when these two crazy kids are about to make out, Sam wakes up . . .

I WANT MORE BAM!  And I want it NOW, dammit!

Vampire Blood for Sale!  Get it While it’s Cheap!

So, it turns out, Vampire Eric wasn’t being entirely honest with Sookie, when he was asked if he had anything to do with Bill’s disappearance.  In fact, HE had hired people to kidnap Bill TOO!  Except, the F-U crew got there first!  Pam instructs Eric to tell Queen Sophie Ann about Vampire Bill’s disappearance, since Bill is the only other vampire aware that the Queen and Eric are selling vampire blood on the black market. 

Eric scoffs at this idea.  However, soon after, Queen Sophie comes to HIM, along with that creepy dude who played J.J. on Big Love . . .

Apparently, there is some sort of two-for-one special on HBO Series stars.

I don’t recall what position “J.J.” holds in the vampire community.  However, I assume it’s high ranking, and has something to do with “law enforcement.”  (If you recall, this was the guy that forced Vampire Bill to “make” Vampire Jessica, as punishment for his killing another vampire.  “J.J” also seems to be higher up than Queen Sophie Ann, because he was bossing her around quite a bit, throughout this scene.

I must admit, initially, I wasn’t overly impressed with Evan Rachel Wood’s portrayal of Queen Sophie Ann during Season 2.  I just found her to be too over the top, and not nearly “queenly” enough.  However, Wood went a long way toward redeeming herself in my eyes tonight.  Watching her manipulate “J.J.” into thinking she was unaware of the marketing of Vampire Blood was pure poetry.  And seeing her strong arm the typically unfazeable Vampire Eric into selling off all of his black market vampire blood at a major financial loss to him, was even more satisfying.

This classic scene was followed up by another equally pleasurable one in which Vampire Pam, on Eric’s orders, pressured Lafayette to sell off his “goods.”  “Are you picking up what I’m putting down?”  Pam whispered in the ear of a terrified Lafayette.

Clearly, no further elaboration was necessary.  When Vampire Eric makes a request, Lafayette listens.  End of story . . .

Cartoon created by the folks at  www.campblood.org

16 and Pregnant?   And a Vampire?  (Well . . . not exactly)

When we last left Vampire Jessica, she had taken a major bite out of some D-baggy trucker dude, she picked up at a bar.  Now, with Papa Vampire Bill nowhere to be found, Baby Vamp Jess is forced to pick up the pieces all by herself.  She tries to revive the nearly dead dude, but does so to no avail.  Eventually, he dies (or does he?).  And in impulsive decision that, while misguided, was surprisingly astute for such a young vamp, Vampire Jessica feeds the maybe dead guy her own blood.

We don’t know yet whether he was actually turned into a vampire.  All we know is that he’s stinking up Bill’s house.  If I recall correctly, in True Blood world, the “transition” from human to vampire takes a few days.  It’s also possible that if this guy was TOTALLY dead, it would be too late for him to actually “drink” Jessica’s blood and change over.  So, we can’t really be sure whether Vampire Jessica has just made herself into a “teen mom” and Vampire Bill into an “absentee grandpa.”  Only time will tell.   But I’m excited about this plotline, nonetheless.

At the end of the episode, Sookie, having noticed that Vampire Pam can “feel” her maker, Eric, “call her,” approaches Vampire Jessica, wondering whether SHE can do the same thing.  Apparently she can.  Unfortunately, just like the airing of award shows, Vampire Jessica’s “sense” of Bill is on a time delay.  So while, she was able to help Sookie find Bill’s crashed car and the dead F-U crew member in it, she was not able to find his current location, which is in the middle of a pack of ravenous werewolves.

It seems that they used REAL wolves in filming this scene, which makes the above picture all the more adorable, fangs and drool, notwithstanding.

So, there you have it folks, my first True Blood recap of the season.  What did YOU think of the episode?  Was it worth the wait?

 

 

True Blood Season 3: Anatomy of an AWESOME New Promo!

I’m with you, Lafayette!  That’s how I felt, after I watched this video TOO!

If you’re a True Blood fan, and you’ve stopped by this blog, during the past few weeks or so, you know that I have been getting particular joy out of “leaking” the Drop of True Blood minisodes, on here, about a week before they air live on HBO.  What you DON’T know, is that I have also been trolling YouTube for solid promos for the show’s upcoming third season.  Unfortunately, the ones I’d been finding, up to this point, had been a bit, forgive the expression, “bloodless,” lasting, on average, about 35 seconds, and showing little more than a teasing scene or two. 

So, you can imagine how THRILLED I was, when I was randomly flipping channels this evening, and, entirely by accident, came across this gem . . .

(Special thanks go out to TrueBloodItalia for posting this, allowing embedding, and, basically, making my night!)

Color me impressed!  HBO gave us A LOT to work with here, especially considering that the season premiere is still about three weeks away.

Let’s analyze, shall we?

:5 – We open with a far away shot of an unidentified shirtless man.  I’m going to take a shot in the dark here, and guess that it’s Vampire Bill.   As Shakira once said, “The pects don’t lie.”  Or, was it hips?  I don’t know.  It was definitely something about a hot body part telling the truth . . .

:14 – Eric to Sookie:  “You’re so blinded by your obsession with Bill Compton, that you are going to get yourself killed.”

Translation: “I love you, Sookie!  Toss that Old Dead Windbag to the curb and give a tall Viking Vampire some hot lovin’!”

OK, maybe that translation was a bit of a stretch.  But I’m a Sookie / Eric Shipper all the way!  And I was HIGHLY satisfied with all the screen time that these two had together in this trailer!  I mean, you have to LOVE Eric Northman.  He’s cocky!  He’s confident!  He does that seductive “eye thing,” when he’s trying to infuriate / seduce Sookie . . .

In short, he reminds me VERY MUCH, of another television vampire that I adore . . .

:16 – Eric to Sookie:  “You’re life is too valuable to be thrown away!”  (OK.  I didn’t even HAVE to translate that one.  It was Eric/Sookie Shipper Friendly, all on its OWN!)

:21 – Here, we get our first shot of new True Blood character, Franklin Mott, played by James Frain . . .

The casting call sheet described him as an “older vampire and love interest for Tara” . . .

That description is consistent with a character of the same name, who appears in the third book of the Southern Vampire Mysteries, Club Dead, on which this season’s True Blood is purportedly based.  However, based on the few scenes I have seen involving this character, my impression is that the show will offer a darker interpretation of Franklin Mott than the one depicted in the book.  The scenes between him and Tara, seem less like love and more like rape / torture.   Tara, honey, I love you, but you have some BAD taste in men and friends (cough, Maryanne from Season 2, cough)!

:22 – Case in point, that was some UNSEXY sex, if you ask me!

:23 – Don’t you hate it when you’re in some backwoods town, and some dirty hillbilly puts a huge shotgun in your face?  Because it happens to me ALL THE TIME . . .

WOW!  Does that screencap look 3D, or what? 

:25 – 27 –  It looks like this little scene was our introduction to two more new True Blood characters, namely Sam’s little brother, Tommy Merlotte, played by Marshall Allman .  . .

 .  . . and Mommy Merlotte, played by J. Smith Cameron . . .

These two DIRTY-UP nicely, don’t they?  Who knew levelheaded Sam had such Trailer Park Trashy roots? 

:33 – This is what happens when Baby Vampire’s Makers go away!  It makes Good Vamps go Bad!  (Isn’t that the name of a Cobra Starship song?)

:34 – Ahhh, Pam!  Same trademark Laura Bush-style wardrobe, same snarky attitude.  Kudos to the producers for wising up and FINALLY making Kristin Bauer a series regular . . .

:37 –  Eric to Sookie: “Invite me in!”

Ooh, la la!  Close talking!  Intense looks!  He’s trying to rescue her from WEREWOLVES!  My Relation-Shipper senses are all a-tingly!

:50 –  This exchange between Sookie and her brother Eric?  Comedic Gold!  Just look how EXCITED Jason gets, when faced with the possibility that Santa might actually be real  . . .

I heart Ryan Kwanten!

: 57 – WOAH!  Who’s that slut rubbing up on Vampire Bill?

:59 – OK, boys, this is a classic example of what NOT to do when kissing a girl!  Check out Tara’s look of utter revulsion, if you don’t believe me . . .

1:06 – Welcome back, Andy Bellefleur!  Have you lost weight?

More Andy and Jason antics in Season 3  = EVEN MORE COMEDIC GOLD!

1:14 – Eric to Sookie:  “You’re no good to Bill or to me, if you’re dead.”  (Alexander Skarsgard looks good, even when his mouth is caked with nasty blood and guts.  Now THAT’S the mark of a REAL MAN!) 

1:19 – Here’s our first shot of Joe Manganiello, as Werewolf Alcide Herveaux.

Did you notice how he totally looked Sookie up and down, as he said “Eric Northman sent me to look after you.”  (Sheesh, is there ANY man on this show who DOESN’T want Sookie . . . aside from her brother, of course ?)  It looks like these two will be headed on a road trip to Jackson, Mississippi to “collect Bill.”  And we all KNOW that naughty things have a tendency to happen on ROAD TRIPS . . . 😉

1:23 – Holy, Biker Bar, Batman!  Did I accidentally flip over to Sons of Anarchy on FX, and not realize it?

1:31 – Meet Big Gay Vampire King of Mississipi, Russel Edgington, played by Denis O’Hare.  Observe the most unattractive facial expression on the planet . . .

1:32  – Awwww, puppy!

Come on, those CGI graphics are WAY TOO CUTE to be a werewolf!

1:37 – Here’s a shot of Bad Ass Werewolf Biker Dude, Coot, played by Grant Bowler . . .

Nice abs!

1:39 – Speaking of abs, Vampire Bill .  . . have you been working out?

1:41 – Stop, Drop, And ROLL, Random Burning Man!

1:42 – Do I really need to explain my inclusion of this picture into this post?  I didn’t think so . . .

1:43 – This picture goes out to my new blog pal, Buddy, who says I ONLY show Shirtless Men pictures on My Blog . . .

I’m pretty sure this is ANOTHER dream sequence .  . . The question is:  Is it Sookie’s dream, or Eric’s, or BOTH?

1:47  – Speaking of “Santa,” I’m pretty sure Christmas came early this year.  After all, I was able to get a screencap of THIS blink-and-you’ll-miss-it shot from the promo!

1:48 – Four out of five dentists recommend flossing, at least once a day . . .

Vampire Bill just ate the fifth dentist . . .

1:55 – Bill to Sookie: “Do not try to find me.  I do not wish to be found!”  (Bill, sweetie, with men like Eric and Alcide on her side, why would she even WANT to find you?  Be careful what you wish for, Mr. Compton . . .)

There you have it,  the True Blood extended promo in a nutshell.  Lots of new characters and werewolves, a TON of shirtlessness (both male and female), a boatload of sex, some blood, and MORE than a handful of Sookie and Eric moments, to boot . . . What could be bad?

True Blood premieres Sunday, June 13th at 9 p.m. on HBO,  be there or . . .  well .  . . having seen THIS trailer . . . do you REALLY need any MORE reasons to watch?

Suck on This! : True Blood Season 3 – The New Cast

As you may have noticed by now, I am a card-carrying member of the Vampire Lovers Club.  Yes, I’ll admit it.  I go batty for bloodsuckers!  I am famished for fangs!  I go nuts for neck bites!  I . . . well . . . you get the idea .  . .

That being said, it probably isn’t much of a surprise to you that I absolutely adore both HBO’s fangtastic drama True Blood, and the books on which the series is based, Charlaine Harris’ Southern Vampire Mysteries.  With CW’s Vampire Diaries on hiatus until March 25th, the next Southern Vampire Mysteries book, Dead in the Family, not due out until May, and True Blood‘s Season 3 not set to air until this summer, I have been experiencing a bit of “blood loss” of late — some “undead withdrawal” if you will . . .

(I know . . . that was cheap of me.  I apologize for the shameless self-promotion.  I promise it won’t happen again . . . for the rest of this blog entry.)

To appease my bloodlust, I had initially planned on doing a blog entry on the unbelievably sexy men of True Blood (which I may still do, eventually).  However, while I was combing the net for pics of said sexy men, I came upon some intriguing information about the insane number of new cast members that will be appearing on True Blood during its third season!  If the show follows its current pattern of covering one book per season, Season 3 of True Blood should be loosely based on Book 3 from the Southern Vampire Mysteries Series:  Club Dead (one of my personal favorites). 

While I instantly recognized some of the below-listed new characters as ones who appeared in Club Dead, others did not make an appearance until much later in the book series.  To further complicate matters, there are still other names on this list that I don’t recognize at all!  Just in case you haven’t had a chance to read the books, I will keep this type of information to myself, for now.  I certainly don’t want to get ravaged by the Spoiler Nazis.  Unless, of course, they look like this:

Ravage away, Jason Stackhouse. Ravage away!

So, without further adieu, here are just some of the new characters that have been added to the True Blood roster for its upcoming Season 3, and the actors who have signed on to play them . . .

1) Alcide Herveaux (played by Joe Mangiello)

Who’s he?  A werewolf who teams up with Sookie to help her search for Vampire Bill, who, if you recall, was kidnapped in last season’s cliffhanger ending. 

2) Debbie Van Pelt (played by Brit Morgan)

Who’s she?  Alcide’s angry and kind-of-crazy ex-girlfriend.  Something tells me that her and Sookie aren’t going to be the best of pals . . .

3) Jesus (played by Kevin Alejandro)

Who’s he?  Lafayette’s spicy Latin love interest and the caretaker for his ailing mother

4) Lafayette’s Mommy (played by Alfre Woodard)

Who’s she?  Self explanatory . . .

5) Franklin Mott (played by James Frain)

Who’s he?  A rich and powerful vampire who will serve as a love interest / sugar daddy to a bereft Tara, who is still mourning the death of her Season 2 love interest, Eggs (apparently,  she’s not mourning all THAT much . . .)

6) Crystal Norris (played by Lindsey Pulshiper)

Who’s she?  A girl from the wrong side of the tracks who will serve as the next conquest for the gorgeous, but slutty and not too bright, Jason Stackhouse — recently deprogrammed from the religious cult he fell in with during Season 2.

7) Coot (played by Grant Bowler)

Who’s he?  Resident bad ass and leader of a pack of hardcore werewolf bikers.

8) The former (VERY former) Mrs. Bill Compton (played by Shannon Lucio)

Who’s she?  Self explanatory . . .

9) Russel Edgington (played by Denis O’Hare)

 Who’s he? The big gay Vampire King of Mississippi.

10) Talbot (played by Theo Alexander)

Who’s he?  Boyfriend of the big gay Vampire King of Mississippi

11) Tommy Merlotte (played by Marshall Allman)

Who’s he?  Little brother to Sam Merlotte

12) Mommy Merlotte (played by J. Smith Cameron)

Who’s she?  Self explanatory . . .

Oh my!  It looks like I’m going to be needing a scorecard to keep all of these new names straight.  Hey, at least by the time the summer comes, I will already have all of the headshots I need to write my True Blood recaps . . .

See ya then, fellow bloodsuckers . . .