Greetings, my Pretties! Oh, rainy days! They can be good for so many things . . . like staring longingly out the window . . . or staring longingly out the window AND CRYING . . . or stopping traffic with a soggy, impromptu, supposedly secret, makeout session.
Rain can make our secret emotions bubble up to the surface. It can also give us REALLY bad hair . . .
Remember Paige? Nobody else does . . .
This week’s rainy day installment of Pretty Little Liars was filled with shocking reveals, terrifying twists, lies, betrayals, makeups, breakups, and a whole lot of very wet faces . . .
But, sadly, no shower scenes . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
Reasons why you should invest in a good lock for your bedroom door . . .
“Well, hello there! My name is Ian. I’m your friendly neighborhood pedophile! Don’t mind me. I’m just here to install a nifty little video camera in your room, so I can watch you get naked, while in the comfort of my own home.”
When we last left our liars, Hanna was grudgingly allowing her Super Hacker and Formerly Homeless Boyfriend to extract the video files from A’s cell phone. This week, the girls meet up to examine the fruits of his labor. What they end up finding is quite fruity (fruitful?)
HANNA: “Ick, Ian is so gross. Why do I feel the sudden need to take a shower?”
SPENCER: *rolls eyes* “Gee, I wonder!”
The video begins with that little episode of Ian / Ali snuff porn we’ve all seen about eighty times before by now. “I know you wanna kiss me,” coos Ali humiliatingly to the camera.
Poor girl! Popular and feared as Ali may have been, her lasting legacy ended up being nothing more than a poorly shot sex tape, and some awkward attempts at pillow talk.
Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian can relate . . .
The video then rough cuts to later that night. Now, Creepy Pedo Ian is installing this same camera in Ali’s bedroom, when in walk . . . wait for it . . . Police Boy Garrett and Blind Jenna. Now, there’s a party I wouldn’t want to attend.
Police Boy Garrett: “You promised there’d be hot chicks at this party! WTF man?”
Blind Jenna: *clears throat loudly*
Unfortunately for Spencer, the self-proclaimed “NAT Club” doesn’t dance. What it does do, is bicker with one another, and search aimlessly for a bunch of videotapes that Ali has apparently stole from the membership. As for the club’s fourth member, Facelift Vampire Jason, apparently, he’s passed out drunk somewhere . . . drunk ON HUMAN BLOOD . . .
Apparently, NAT club stands for “Never Accomplish Things,” because the threesome (minus one vampire) never find what they are seeking. They do find Ali’s Magical Mystery Box of SECRETS, however . . . and seem shocked by it’s contents . . .
“So, THAT’S where she’s been hiding our souls . . .”
Of course, we don’t get to see what’s inside the box, because that’s just not how they roll on this show . . .
Then, Police Boy finds out he’s on Candid Creeper Camera, and gets SUPER PISSED at Pedo Ian, for setting him and his lady love up, like that. I guess Ian was looking for some leverage . . . or perhaps, some company in the showers at the Rosewood Correctional Facility. Either way, as we know, things didn’t end well for him . . .
. . . or for Ali, who, we now know, was murdered that same night . . .
“Spencer can’t come to the phone right now . . .”
So, remember two weeks ago, when, in a
horny weak moment, Spencer slid into Abs Toby’s Truck of Loooooove, and gave him a tongue bath?
Well, apparently “A” does too. Because she got an EXTREME CLOSEUP shot of it on camera. That made “A” angry. And you wouldn’t like “A” when she’s angry . . .
“Hey Spence . . . I know you’re freaked out about ‘A’ possibly murdering your boyfriend, and all. But do you think you could teach me how to kill like that? I’m testing out some new moves to use on Maya, the next time we go out bar hopping using her completely unnecessary fake ID . . .”
Wouldn’t you know it, not two seconds after Spencer receives that text threatening her boyfriend’s life, who should pull into her driveway, but the Tobster, himself . . .
“This truck is a real chick magnet.”
Abs Toby calls Spencer from his LOOOOOOVE Truck. This causes Spencer to make the Spencer Face . . .
She then tosses her phone in Emily’s direction, begging her bestie to protect her from the evil sexual urges that are telling her to rush right into that truck and ravage her honey bunny. Unfortunately for Spencer, Emily’s always been, by far, the worst liar of all the Pretty Little Liars. Case in point, her words to Abs Toby: “Spencer can’t come to the phone right now,” she says, in robotic answering machine tones . . .
“What? Why are you looking at me, like that? Would you rather I have told him we were busy practicing our kissing moves?”
In what’s starting to sound a bit broken record-esque, Abs Toby, once again, begs Emily to tell him what the F is going on with his wackadoo girlfriend, who’s humping him in the car, one minute, and avoiding him like rotten cheese, in the next . . .
“Pretty please, can I see her? I’ve recently showered and everything!”
Of course, Emily has no answers that’s she allowed to give him. So, eventually Toby dejectedly returns to his criminally-under-used-of-late Loooooove Truck, and drives away, sporting a very bad case of these . . .
Everybody Loves a Beard . . .
“Me? Gay? Not with this Fozzie Bear hair . . .”
Back at school, the Pretty Little Liars are all complaining about how hard it is to keep their loved ones at bay, in order to protect them from “A”. (Hey! That rhymed!) Well, except for Aria, who’s complaining about how Fitzypoo won’t come close enough to Aria to require her protection. But when Aria gets a little head nod from the curly-haired dude two lunch tables down, the conversation quickly shifts to something on which PLL fans have been speculating ever since the self-proclaimed “Male Little Liar” Holden came to Rosewood a few weeks back . . .
HANNA: *pouts* “Oh! Aria is so lucky. I’ve always wanted a gay best friend.”
EMILY: *clears throat loudly*
The PLL girls immediately suspect Holden of being gay, based simply on the fact that he never hit on Aria. You know, because, apparently, everything with a weiner should want to to stick it in Aria . . .
To prove her beard is straight, Aria saunters over to Holden and confirms their fake date, for the evening. Both little liars are strangely evasive about their REAL plans. But then Aria catches Holden checking out someone who DEFINITELY doesn’t have a weiner, and begins to wonder whether her friends might be jumping the “gay gun” after all . . .
“Well, hello there, little lady. Ever wonder what it’s like to date a guy who strongly resembles a muppet?”
Be Afraid, Caleb . . . Be VERY Afraid . . .
“Sure! I think hacking into a stolen cell phone in public, while sitting two feet away from a cop is a great idea!”
Have you ever had a dream about somebody, and then, when you saw that person the next day, you found yourself irrationally wondering whether that person could tell you had dreamed about them, just by looking at you? Well, that must be exactly how Caleb feels, when he watches stolen video footage of Police Boy Garrett beating the crap out of Creepy Pedo Ian in Dead Ali’s bedroom, only to find Police Boy Garrett himself, sitting just inches away . . .
“Ahhh, yes. The camera loves me. Hey, did I ever tell you about that time I was in the Lizzie McGuire movie?”
Caleb bolts pretty quickly, as soon as lays eyes on the subject of his stolen video . . . so quickly, in fact, that he leaves his keys on the table at the outdoor cafe where he’s working. Of course, you can count on Police Boy Garrett to inform Caleb of his forgetfulness, in a way that sounds suspiciously like a threat. Did he know what Caleb was doing? Probably . . .
it’s not like the idiot tried to hide it at all. After all, the NAT club KNOWS everything . . . except, perhaps, for where to find it’s own videos . . .
It’s Halloween All Over Again . . .
. . . maybe that’s why Hanna is dressed up like Pebbles Flintstone . . .
As tends to be the case on this show, the one person who DOESN’T want to play A’s games anymore, ends up being the one to find the next clue. This time, that person is Hanna. The blonde is in the process of lecturing the girls to turn Caleb’s STOLEN video contents over to the police (And how exactly are they planning on explaining THAT? Not to mention the fact that Police Boy Garrett will obviously get to it first), when she “accidentally, opens the head of that ugly doll in which Ali used to hide her own torturous letters from “A,” back in the day. (There I go, rhyming again . . .)
DOLL: “So THAT’S why my neck’s been killing me lately!”
Most of the letters the girls find were the same ones we saw Ali receive, during the Halloween Special. And yet, there is another message — signed by “A” herself — that Ali received on that same night, which we never got to see . . . until now . . .
(Side note: Since most PLL fans generally assumed that the “A” in the letters the girls have been receiving since Season 1 was supposed to stand for Alison, herself, it’s odd that ALISON also got letters from an “A” before she died. And yet, those fans who believe the Twin Theory of Ali’s murder will find a lot of support for that theory, in this particular clue . . .)
We move into flashback mode, where we are taken back to that faithful Halloween night. Ali and the girls arrive on her front porch, after Noel Kahn’s “eventful” Halloween party to find a not-so-pleasant surprise . . .
“Someone trashed your porch,” says Captain Obvious Hanna, despite the fact that she’s BEHIND Ali, so Ali clearly saw it first.
Sure enough, there are smashed pumpkins all over Ali’s porch. One of those pumpkins still has a knife in it’s head, which is attached to a letter hastily scrawled on the back of one of Noel Kahn’s party invitations . . .
“Hey, can you tell me if I have something in my eye?”
The note, which is a thinly-veiled threat to Ali’s pretty little head, ends up being eerily prophetic, especially considering that Ali ended up having her head bashed in by a long metal object . . . In classic Ali style, she laughs it off, claiming the display is nothing more than a sick joke left by Facelift Vampire Jason’s beer buddies. And yet, the letter seems to have spooked her enough to insist on the girls spending the night with her at her house. She clearly doesn’t want to be alone at a time like this. And, under the circumstances, who could blame her?
Back in real-time, Spencer unfolds the undoubtedly disturbing letter, and confirms it’s sender. “A was after Ali, before she was after us,” remarks Little Miss Super Sleuth . . .
Plot? I hereby pronounce you thickened . . .
The Hypnotic Eyebrows of EEEEEVVVIIILLL . . .
“You are getting very sleepy. When I snap my fingers, you will wax those hungry caterpillars off your face . . .”
At school, Mona (who’s devastation over her tragic breakup with Bushy Eyebrows Noel has clearly caused her to rip her poor pink shirt to shreds, in an act of mourning) is still giving Hanna the silent treatment, for disobeying the “Hoes before Bros Code,” and not supporting her, during this traumatic time. In an attempt at closure, Mona skips up to Noel, to very publicly return the necklace he gave her. But the Bushy Eyebrows win out in the end. And Noel ends up merely smirking malevolently, as he carelessly tosses the returned necklace in the trash, thereby further exacerbating Mona’s obvious humiliation . . .
Hey Mona . . . a piece of advice: Get back at Bushy Eyebrows, by dating his friend over there. I mean, that guy is HAWWWWT. And I bet HE even owns a pair of tweezers . . .
Hanna rushes to the ladies room to comfort her crying friend. “He’s a bad guy,” says Hanna, matter-of-factly. (Ain’t that the understatement of the century?)
“Here, Mona . . . let me lend you my jacket. I don’t know if you realize this, but there’s a hole in your shirt that is suspiciously close to the nipple area . . .”
“I’ve never met anyone who could lie like that,” sniffles Mona, as mascara runs down her cheeks, raccoon style. “It’s his eyes . . . I would look in them, and it was like I was hypnotized.”
She’s right . . . those . . . eyebrows . . . so . . . hairy . . . can’t . . . look . . . away . . .
(Side note: I actually think this reference to Noel’s eyes was meant to be an “A” reference. Since, many times, “A” has been referred to as having “pretty eyes.” But since I’m almost positive that “A” is a girl, this so-called “clue” kind of fell flat, for me.)
Hanna promises Mona to take her out to dinner for a Bushy Eyebrows Free evening, to which Mona readily agrees. Once the two leave, we learn that SOMEONE has been listening in on their conversation. Golly gee, I wonder who that could be?
Surprise! It’s Blind Jenna . . . who, I guess, didn’t have her eye surgery last week, after all. (Either that, or she just really likes wearing sunglasses indoors.) By the way, does anyone else find that Blind Jenna spends an inordinate time lurking in bathrooms? Maybe she has irritable bowel syndrome? That said, Blind Jenna’s listening in on THIS particular conversation, actually has significance later on in the episode . . .
Meet me at the Big Ole Clock . . .
I wonder if Fitzy is in Aria’s “in” calling network . . . or any of the other little liars’ networks, for that matter. Because Aria sure does leave him a lot of unanswered voice mails! You’ve really got to hand it to Aria, though. She sure is persistent. We see her here, instructing Fitzy to meet her at 8 p.m. by a big ole clock, to prove to her that the two of them should continue to secretly bone one another.
Over at Hollis a decidedly dejected looking Fitzy stares at his phone for a few loooong seconds, before returning to his work . . .
Forbidden love? There’s an app for that . . .
Look! He’s flying . . . or not . . .
Last week’s episode ended with “A” loosening some hinges on scaffolding in front of Spencer’s house, where Toby used to work as a construction worker. This week, we get to find out why she did that (assuming, of course, that we never watched the promos, which explain exactly why). Spencer finds out at school about Toby’s accident, and is understandably devastated . . . not to mention, she feels partially to blame . . .
“Oh no! I hope he didn’t hurt his beautiful abs!”
Spencer and her Spencer face rush to the hospital to find Toby looking surprisingly clean and unblemished (save for an arm cast, considering the major kersplat he made, when he hit the ground . . .
“Care for some pity sex, considering I nearly DIED for you?”
Oh, I bet you can’t guess who Abs’ Toby’s has for a physician. I’ll give you hint, he’s GORGEOUS, TASTY, WITTY, has a SUPER SEXY accent, is clearly my future husband, and very well might be the ONLY doctor in Rosewood . . . Give up?
It’s WRENNNNNNN! HOOOOOOORAAYY!
*sighs elatedly. . . takes deep breath*
OK . . . I’m better now. So, apparently, Wren has not given up on the prospect of a Wrencer courtship. (This is news, right?) In a “mark my territory” move that is nearly as effective as peeing on Spencer’s leg, Wren not-so-subtly admits to Abs Toby that he would have married Spencer’s sister if something *cough Spencer’s lips cough* didn’t get in the way.
(I love how Spencer’s facial expression here is a complete mixture of, “Please stop, you are getting me into trouble,” and “*sings*You REALLY likkkkke me .. . you think I’m sexxxxxxy . . . you want to DATTEEEEE me.”)
The scorching chemistry between these two is not at all lost on Abs Toby, who inquires pointedly, whether there is something Spencer “wants” to tell him. Cue the text from “A” . . .
. . . annnnd . . . Spencer’s speedy departure. (Bye Wren . . . for now! We’ll see you soon! I miss you already!)
That not-so-fresh feeling . . .
One of the really nice things about Spencer dating Toby, and Jenna dating Police Boy Garrett is that we no longer had to witness the vomit-inducing creepiness, of Blind Jenna repeatedly trying to rape her OWN BROTHER . . .
Well, unfortunately, with both couples currently on the outs, it’s . . .
Honestly, I still don’t quite understand the squirm-inducing dynamic of the Toby/Jenna “relationship.” Take, for example, the speech she makes to him at the hospital. It is equal parts threatening (“I told you not to go to her house.” “We’re family whether you like it or not.”) . . . jealous (“She’s haunted.” “I’m the only one who belongs here.”) . . . and nauseatingly flirtatious (The whole time Jenna is talking to Toby, she’s amorously massaging his leg . . .)
Oh, and to further confuse matters, did I mention that Blind Jenna might have another boyfriend, already? Or that’s it’s Bushy Eyebrows NOEL?
(Hey, at least we know Noel’s Hypnotic Face Caterpillars can’t hypnotize HER!)
That’s right, when Hanna and Mona head to the restaurant for a Noel-free night on the town, they spot this surprisingly cozy (and yet AWFUL) couple canoodling in the window. And yet, considering we already know that Blind Jenna overheard the girls’ plans. They might just be seeing exactly what that biatch wants them to see . . .
But Blind Jenna is not done wreaking havoc all over this episode. She also has to go and threaten poor Emily at the hospital, and accuse her of WANTING Toby . . . you know . . . in the biblical sense. HELLO! Emily’s GAY! Read the memo, Blind Jenna. And here I thought you knew everything . . .
And who’s fault is that, exactly, Blind Jenna?
Meanwhile, in Halebland . . .
Anyone care for an NAT Club Smoothie?
You know that move “The Ring,” where everyone who watches that video with the weird girl popping out of the well dies in SEVEN DAYS?
CALEB: “You know, everyone’s always telling me I look like the male lead in that movie!”
HANNA: “Oh, you mean the one who ENDED UP DEAD?”
CALEB: “Well . . . yeah . . . but everyone ended up dead, pretty much, except for the lady and her kid, so . . .”
HANNA: “Not helping, Caleb!”
Well, I’m starting to think that’s the case with this USB drive featuring evidence surrounding Ali’s murder. Hanna, apparently, thinks so too. Because the minute she learns that Police Boy Garrett might be stalking her boy toy, Hanna lays waste to the USB drive, killing her blender, right along with it . . .
“You are out of the phone tech business, as of now!” Hanna warns her boyfriend, in that stern voice typically only used by mommies, and high school principals.
Yeah . . . I don’t know about that, Hanna. Old habits die hard . . . and some secrets are just too juicy to leave alone . . .
Speaking of alone . . .
Spoby in Crisis . . . AGAIN.
“Awww . . . he looks so cute in there, all doped up on pain killers. It makes me want to just rush in their, and peek at his abs, one last time.”
Insistent on believing that Abs Toby will never be safe from “A,” as long as the two of them are dating, Spencer asks Emily to do the unthinkable: Dear John Toby for her. And she does it in the most painful way possible too . . . by alluding to Spencer’s very real, but not entirely present tense, involvement with another man . . . THIS GUY . . .
As heart-wrenching as it was, this was actually one of my favorite scenes in the episode, simply because of how well-acted it was. As Emily, Shay Mitchell displayed just the right amount of discomfort, inner turmoil, guilt, and sympathy, over doing something she may or may not agree is the right course of action. Yet, she knows her friend’s intentions are pure . . . and wants to honor her wishes . . .
As for Keegan Allen, he portrays Toby in this scene with just the right mixture of hurt, anger, denial, disbelief, and, finally, a grudging, and bewildered acceptance. Toby asks Emily who the man is with which Spencer is involved. But deep down, we suspect he already fears he knows the answer . . .
Poor Wren. He has no idea what he’s walking into the next morning, when he comes to sign Toby out of the hospital, and is threatened with a beating. Then again, maybe he does . . .
Cue the maudlin music, the torrential nighttime downpour, and of course, the barrage of rainy faces . . .
It must have been all that angst, heartache, and RAINNNN that got to me. Because, when I learned that Toby gave Spencer back the Truck of Loooooooooove, and skipped town (by bus?), leaving only a tersely-worded letter behind, I actually got a little teary . . .
TV Recappers have feelings too, you know . . .
But, in lighter news . . .
How Yoda the College Student Saved Ezria . . .
“A good deed . . . I did do. But laid . . . I sadly did not get.”
Off our stalwart Aria heads to Philadelphia with Beard Holden on a Date with Destiny . . .
And while the two liars don’t really have enough time to share each other’s Deep Dark Secrets, at least they get that pesky “gay rumor” out of the way. . .
OK . . . so, I guess Holden’s not gay. (He sure could have fooled me.) He’s doesn’t live in a library (like Caleb). And he probably never screwed his sister (like Toby), or became addicted to online gambling (like Lucas). So, what secrets does that leave, exactly? 😉
Sans-beard, Aria traipses off to the Big Ole Clock . . . where she waits . . .
. . . and waits . . .
“Dammit . . . all this rain is making me have to pee . . .”
Meanwhile, Fitzy is still in his office, fighting with Yoda student on why the former gave the latter a “B” on his short story . . .
In case you were wondering, the “B” stands for, “B*tch please! A man’s going to leave his rehearsal dinner to chase after a total stranger? That’s horse poopy!”
As Fitzy talks, he begins to realize that he may have adversely graded Yoda student’s paper, due to his
having his period being so utterly bereft without his Aria. And so, being the good little English teacher we know him to be aside from the whole “dating a student” thing, Fitzy kindly agrees to review Yoda student’s story again, when he isn’t in such a fowl mood. Of course, Yoda student is elated. So, elated, in fact, that he decides to offer some parting advice to his favorite troubled teacher . . .
And so, the student has become the teacher. Inspired by those brilliant words, Fitzy pops into his car, and battles a rain storm, so that he and Aria can stop traffic, engage in one of their trademark slo-mo makeout sessions,
carelessly risk getting caught by Aria’s mother, by practically forking in public, and of course, decide to give their relationship another go . . .
Somewhere north of the Death Star, Yoda Student is doing a little dance of joy . . .
Got a Secret Can You Keep It . . . From Hanna?
In what was, perhaps, the most shocking twist of the episode (for me, anyway), Caleb confronts Spencer and Emily to rat out Hanna for the little Information Disappearing Act She Performed with the Blender . . . Needless to say, Emily and Spencer are LESS than amused . . .
But then Caleb shocks them even further, by telling them that (1) he kept a copy of the information; and (2) he wants the rest of the PLL’s to keep all of this a secret from Hanna . . . wait for it . . . to PROTECT HER . . .
It’s a romantic statement, one that’s clearly filled with good intentions. And this is undoubtedly why the girls ultimately decide to let Caleb (at least part way) in on their “A” games, and to keep his involvement a secret from Hanna. Of course, something tells me that Hanna won’t see it that way . . .
The episode ends with “A” cutting up and burning black-and-white photographs of each of our four main Pretty Little Couples necking . . . you know, because burning stuff is fun . . .
This reminds me, remember, back in Season 1, when “A” bought those rats that she named “Aria, Emily, Spencer, and Hanna,” and proceeded to MURDER THEM . . .
Yeah, girlfriend REALLY needs to get herself a hobby, STAT! And that was “The Blonde Leading the Blind” in a nutshell. Next week on Pretty Little Liars, Hanna gets REVENGE . . . maybe . . . She might just end up crying and pouting, a lot . . .
See you then, my Pretties . . .