Those of you who watched Lost’s penultimate episode, “What They Died For,” last night (which was excellent, by the way), already know that, during it, the “mysterious and godlike” Jacob finally selected Jack Shepard as his “Candidate” to replace him on the Island.
(And, for those of you who were surprised that it ended up being Jack, I have GOOD NEWS for you! I am in the process of selling the Empire State Building for dirt cheap! If interested, please send a check in the amount of $1 million, made payable to TV Recappers Anonymous, at . . .)
Yeah, it was kind of predictable (and by “kind of” I mean “very”) that Jack would take the reins as “Guarder of the Light Thingy.” And yet, while many of us viewers immediately surmised that this would ultimately end up being the case, Jacob, himself, was not nearly as quick on the uptake. In fact, it literally took this dude CENTURIES of bringing people to the island and watching them die senseless deaths, to solve, what was essentially, a Human Resources Issue.
But all of this could have been avoided, had Jacob simply took advantage of modern hiring technology. (After all, we already know the Island has internet access . . . )
So, just for kicks, I thought it might be fun to see what a “Jacob’s Candidate” job posting might have looked like, had it actually been placed on a job search website, like Careerbuilder.com.
Job Title: “Protector of the Light”
Location: Undisclosed, but we call it “The Island”
Employee Type: Full Time (And I’m not talking a 40 – 60 hour work week, either. I mean REALLY full, like you will do ABSOLUTELY nothing else, for the duration of your life.)
Manages Others: Nah, we killed all the “Others.” Except for maybe, this guy.
Job Type: Security, Godliness
Experience: No prior experience necessary
Salary: Non-applicable (Your “payment” is the pride of knowing that you have been chosen over centuries of other less worthy applicants, you ungrateful turd.)
Benefits: See “salary” description above. But you are more than welcome to all the fish . . . and polar bears that you want to eat.
To be honest, we haven’t actually SEEN a polar bear around these parts since Season 1. But that’s OK. It just means more FISH FOR YOU!
1) Keep the Man in Black from “entering the Light”
2) Keep the Light from going out
3) Keep the Man in Black from killing you
4) Find more suitable replacement “Candidates,” just in case you fail to do items 1 through 3
5) Smolder, brood, and generally try to look self-important ALL THE TIME.
1) A crappy home life a MUST!
2) Nonexistent or minimal sex life . . . unless you are this guy . . .
In which case, screw all you want!
3) Daddy issues
4) God complex
5) The ability to run quickly, and cover long distances, when chased by a polar bear or puff of black smoke . . .
Transportation: Last time we checked, there were three ways of transporting one’s self to the island. They are: (1) plane or jet crash;
(2) shipwreck; or
Please note: Here at the Island, we do not cover your relocation expenses. However, should you arrive at the Island via means 1 or 2, you may ultimately be able to have your travel fees reimbursed, as a result of a class action lawsuit begun on your behalf. There is no guarantee of your actually receiving such reimbursement, however, as most people in the outside world are probably going to think you are DEAD.
So, what are you waiting for? Apply Now! Your violent and untimely death FUTURE is just a mouse click away! 🙂