Welcome back, My Pretties! This week, on Pretty Little Liars, each of our four favorite Rosewood High Students were forced to face down their own personal demons. For Aria, that demon was the green-eyed monster, we all know her better as . . . jealousy.
For Emily, the demon was a fear of abandonment. Coincidentally, she found it at the bottom of a liquor flask.
Hanna had to cope with the guilt she felt over leading on someone who had romantic feelings for her. But are you REALLY leading someone on, if you have romantic feelings for them, in return?
. . . and Spencer, well, her demon had a face (EVIL) . . . and a name (PSYCHO IAN) . . . and had just married her sister (DISTURBING).
Oh, and can SOMEONE tell me who the HECK this guy is? Please!
So, now that you’ve met all the demons, what do you say we start “hunting them down?” Shall we?
Aria Battles a Green-Eyed Monster Named Simone (with a Teddy Bear between her legs)
When Aria first learns that her childhood babysitter, Simone, is back in town from NYC, she is thrilled! And the fact that Simone is a “published author” (something Aria has always strived to become), who has enough money to sponsor all four of the PLL girls for an upcoming dance-athon makes Aria even more excited to pick her brain. (Clearly, none of the writers of Pretty Little Liars know anything about what “publishing short stories” actually pays, i.e. usually NOTHING.) But when Simone starts making a play for Ezra Fitz, by meeting him for “coffee” . . .
“Lay a hand on my babysitter, and I will pour these lattes down your pants, Fitzy!”
. . . following him to LAME school dances . . .
. . . offering to pass his VERY badly written “romantic” poetry on to publishers . . .
. . . and regaling him with embarrassing tale’s of Aria’s childhood, including one about a certain teddy bear that she used to keep between her legs . . .
Honestly, can you blame her?
. . . Aria has just about had it with her “childhood friend” and so-called “role model.”
When Aria confronts her mother about it being high time for Babysitter’s Club Reject Simone to skedaddle, the brilliant (and by “brilliant,” I mean “idiotic”) woman who raised her actually assumes that her daughter is jealous of FITZY for monopolizing SIMONE’S time! “Good men are hard to find,” Aria’s mom suggests, in her defense of Simone’s aggressive man-stealing tactics. “When you get a little older, you will understand.” (Ummm . . . how old exactly does this woman think her daughter is? EIGHT?)
Then again, how much intellectual prowess can you expect from a woman who willingly chose to procreate with THIS LOSER . . .
Is he cute? Absolutely! Is he a catch? Not so much . . .
Having received NO HELP AT ALL from her own mother, at one point during the school dance marathon, Aria becomes so enraged with jealousy, that she looks about ready to go all Jerry Springer Show on Simone’s ass!
“That biatch STOLE MY MAN! I’m going to rip every single hair OUT OF HER HEAD . . . with MY TEETH!”
Fortunately, Spencer is able to stop Aria, before she does something rash. (Well, actually, it’s unfortunate, because an Aria Versus Babysitter Girl Fight for Fitzy’s affections would have been an absolute JOY to watch!)
“Heck yeah, it would!”
After the dance, a tearful Aria confronts Fitzy in the parking lot, wondering out loud whether Fitz might prefer dating Simone, someone REALLY ANNOYING!
But, worry not, Ezria fans! Because Fitzy quickly sets his girlifriend straight, by explaining to her, in no uncertain terms, that his heart belongs to Aria, and ONLY Aria. (Awwww!) They couldn’t make out in the parking lot, however . . . because someone might see them . . .
Emily Gets Swindled, Gets New Ringtones, and Gets TOTALLY Wasted!
Poor Emily! Just when she finally gets up the courage to come out to her parents, and give her heart to another person, the woman of her dreams gets shipped off to a Creepy Religious Camp to be “scared straight.” When the episode begins, Emily is just DYING to call Maya on her cell phone. Unfortunately, once Maya got to Creepy Religious Camp, the Cult Leaders Counselors there blocked all of Emily’s calls!
But, worry not, Emily! Random Rebel Phone Expert is here to rescue YOU . . .
. . . provided you pay him a boatload of cash, of course. (I repeat, where the HECK did this guy COME FROM?)
After nearly bilking Poor Lovesick Emily out of her life savings, Random Rebel Phone Expert does manage to somehow fix Emily’s phone so that she can successfully call Maya at Creepy Religious Camp. (YAY!)
But when Emily finally DOES talk to Maya, her new Gal Friday seems WAY too perky for someone who was just shipped away to Creepy Religious Camp for carrying weed in an Altoids box . . .
MAYA (on phone): “This one time . . . at Creepy Religious Camp . . . I stuck a flute up my . . .”
Instantly convinced that Maya either no longer loves her, or was lobotomized upon arrival at Creepy Religious Camp by her
Cult Leaders Counselors, a very distraught Emily, goes through Hanna’s coat, and pulls out a large flask of liquor, the contents of which she promptly pours down her throat. Within literally SECONDS, Emily is COMPLETED WASTED. (Gotta love ABC Family and their exposition of the “Consequences of Underage Drinking!” Next week, I bet Emily’s going to be a RAGING ALCOHOLIC!)
Drunk Emily, of course, decides that this is the PERFECT opportunity to tell all the PLL girls EXACTLY what she thinks of them. She also pretty much publicly accuses Psycho Ian of killing Ali. (Nice going, Em!) Fortunately, Spencer and Hanna take her home, before she can do TOO much damage. They even successfully prevent her from drunk dialing Maya. (NOW, that’s friendship!)
Someone is going to have a PRETTY bad hangover, tomorrow morning!
Hanna Becomes A’s Prostitute
While Aria and Emily fret over matters of the heart, Hanna seems more concerned with Matters of the Wallet. Specifically, Hanna’s Deadbeat Mom is broke AGAIN, because “A” STOLE her Stolen Cash Stash. If you recall, for the past few weeks, “A” has been using the stolen money to make Hanna her unwitting slave, inflicting psychological torture on the poor girl, so that she can “earn” the money back. (Seriously, “A” DEFINITELY hates Hanna the most! This is the THIRD week in a row, that she got the brunt of “A’s” torture, while the other girls got off virtually scot free!)
Hanna tries to wriggle out from “A’s” clutches, by getting a respectable job. Unfortunately, however, her mom is such a deadbeat credit risk, that NO ONE WILL HIRE HER DAUGHTER! And so, my favorite PLL is stuck doing “A’s” bidding AGAIN. This week, her “bidding” involves ditching her Boring Ass Boyfriend Sean . . .
. . . and dancing with Lucas, instead, in exchange for MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF CASH! (I’m liking “A” more and more, every minute! 🙂 )
Though initially reluctant to dance with the girl who unwittingly stomped on his heart . . .
. . . Lucas eventually complies, and the two spend most of the night in one another’s arms . . .
When it comes time for the Last Dance, Hanna dutifully returns to her Boring Ass Boyfriend. But then she receives one final text from “A,” who makes her an offer she can’t refuse . . . $1,000 for one more dance with Lucas.
When Sean learns that Hanna will be ditching him for Lucas once again, he dumps her. (YAY . . . oops . . . I mean, POOR HANNA!)
Having witnessed the entire exchange, Lucas sweetly comforts a crying Hanna, during the last dance. But a small glint in his eyes, suggests he might not be all that dissatisfied with how the evening turned out . . .
After the dance, Lucas sympathetically offers to drive Hanna home, but she declines, telling him that she needs to care for Drunk Emily. Lucas understandably looks disappointed, but, being a good sport for a change, he gently embraces Hanna, before stalking off. Once she is alone, Hanna finds a scarf in her pocket containing all of the money she “earned” inside.
Now, I’m not sure WHY Hanna doesn’t IMMEDIATELY suspect Lucas of being “A.” However, I’m sure many of us watching at home mentally moved him up a notch on our suspect list right at this moment. After all, shortly after Lucas went back inside, SOMEONE retrieved “A’s” signature black jacket, and thick gloves from the coat check at the dance, and promptly departed the school dance.
It’s important to note that many of the other characters heretofore seen as suspects (Creepy Toby, Blind Jenna, Bushy Eyebrows Noel, and Maya) were nowhere to be found, during this episode. Additionally, those who suspected Fitz of being “A” undoubtedly noted that HE had already left the party with Aria, by the time “A” arrived at the coat check. In fact, the only other MAIN suspect unaccounted for at the time of the infamous “Coat and Glove Pickup” was Psycho Ian . . .
Snoopy Spencer Strikes Again . . .
There’s Spencer’s Signature Goofy Sleuthing Face again . . .
If you recall, when we last left our PLL Girls, they were at Spencer’s house, watching Dead Ali Snuff porn on Spencer’s laptop. (By the way, kudos to the WISE Hanna for being the ONLY Pretty Little Liar to note that Ali’s “groans of pain” may have actually been “groans of pleasure,” if you catch my drift. ;)) After a bit of hemming and hawing, the girls ultimately decide that they should turn the incriminating video in to the police, the following day, during lunchtime. As they are discussing this, who should enter, but Psycho Ian himself (of course)!
Woah . . . it’s a picture of Ian on my laptop, next to a picture of Ian on another laptop. How very META!
Though Ian ACTS as though he has NO CLUE what the girls were up to when he first entered the room, it should come as no surprise to ANYONE watching the show, that Spencer’s laptop is “mysteriously” stolen from her gym locker at school, just moments before the girls planned to take it to the police . . .
It’s important to note here, of course, that the ONLY time Spencer had the elusive laptop out of her sight, was when it was in her GYM locker, the combination to which, aside from Spencer, only the school coaches know. (IAN’S a Coach! See where they are going with this?)
At the dance, Snoopy Spencer notes the number on Ian’s coat check, surreptitiously takes it, and, with the help of Aria, manages to steal the keys to Ian’s desk drawer from his jacket pocket. But when Spencer tries to break into the locked drawer, who should be conveniently lurking nearby, but THIS GUY!
OMG! It’s Random Rebel Phone Expert! Suddenly, HE’S EVERYWHERE! (I hope that’s not because he’s “A.” Because that would be totally out of the blue . . . not to mention REALLY lame.) A now desperate Spencer offers to pay off Random Rebel Phone Expert to keep quiet about what he saw, but the dude who TOTALLY extorted the heck out of Emily for her “phone upgrade,” suddenly, doesn’t want a penny from Spencer. Weird . . .
It’s no matter though, because Spencer can’t get into the locked drawer, anyway. So, she reluctantly returns to the dance. Then, after Drunk Emily confronts Ian on the dance floor, slurring that she “knows what he did,” Ian forcefully grabs Spencer into a slow dance. Once he has his arms around her neck, Psycho Ian demands to know exactly to what incident Drunk Emily is referring. Thinking fast, Spencer claims Drunk Emily is merely referring to the time Pedo Ian made out with her then 14-year old ass (as opposed to that OTHER time, when he boinked, and possibly killed a then 15-year old Ali). Ian threatens Spencer to keep their Grotesque Makeout Session a secret from now on. Spencer nervously agrees to do so, undoubtedly wondering the whole time, whether Ian actually believed her little fib.
And yet, when Spencer arrives home from the dance, she finds her laptop has mysteriously returned . . .
Not surprisingly, the Ian- incriminating Dead Ali Snuff Porn video is no longer anywhere to be found in the computer’s memory. However, “A” has conveniently left the girls a digital photograph in it’s place. The photo is of Ali sneaking out of the farmhouse, where the girls had their sleepover, on the night she died. The words “watch your back. I didn’t,” are typed in yellow across the bottom photograph. SPPPOOOOOOKKKY!
And that was “Careful What U Wish 4” in a nutshell. So, now I turn the discussion over to you, my Pretties? Who do you think is “A”? Who killed Ali? And were you as happy to see Boring Ass Sean go bye-bye, as I was? 😉