I actually find this really impressive, Nick. My tears always evaporate or my face, or fall into my lap, before I can manage to put them in a jar. What you did takes real dedication! (Now, go take a shower, and get a haircut.)
Backsliding . . . falling off the wagon . . . relapsing . . . engaging in self-destructive behavior . . . being BAAAAAAAD. We’ve all done it before. And, I hate to say it, but we’re all going to do it again, sooner or later. We’re human. And it’s natural to fall back on bad habits, return to bad relationships, and make the same mistakes over and over again.
That’s really what this episode of New Girl was about . . . all the bad decisions we make when we are lonely, horny, have had too much to drink, or are suffering from a broken penis heart.
Poor Jess! Dumping Russell sure brought out the emo chick in her . . . with her big glasses, and and her, make-you-wanna-slit-your-wrist depressing music, playing on endless loop throughout the night, and her being curled up in a ball in her pajamas making Pouty Face all day! (See, Nick and Jess NEED to be together! They even cope with breakups in the same ridiculously melodramatic way.)
Question: When you are the DUMPER in the relationship, do you earn the right to your Melodramatic Depression, in the way that the DUMPEE does? I’m saying, if the DUMPEE didn’t like . . . cheat on you . . . or something.
Because I’m going to go out on a limb, and say “no.” I think when you find the courage to get out of a relationship, for no other reason than the fact that being in it doesn’t make you happy, you should be doing this . . .
(Sadly, watching this clip made me realize that this is exactly how I look when I dance.)
Not this . . .
This, I think, is why Jess’ roommates were a lot less supportive of her moping, than, perhaps, they would have been otherwise. Take, for example, Winston’s “cheery” remarks about The Soundtrack of Jess’ Discontent . . .
Or Schmidt’s remark when she finally turned off the music . . . “No . . . wait! Turn it back on! After 80 times, I finally get it! It’s . . . A RIVER!”
Oh, but Nick was the worst offender by far! Literally dancing your new-old girlfriend around in front of the girl who’s, not only nursing a broken heart, but, quite obviously in love with you, is cold man . . . just cold.
Later, at That Random Bar Where Nick Works (which I’m starting to think is the New Girl equivalent of TVD’s Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls) . . .
Schmidt explains to Jess the dangers of “Backsliding,” and hides her Bunny-Shaped cell phone, so she doesn’t drunk dial Russell in a moment of weakness. What Schmidt doesn’t count on, is Jess having a run-in with Nick Miller, Backslider Extraordinaire. He explains that terrible, emotionally abusive, relationships CAN be magically turned into good and healthy ones! It’s just a matter of timing . . .
But it’s not to who you think . . . She’s going to call Nick, right? Please let it be Nick. Oh . . . wait . . . Nick is still in the bar. Damn!
The Tale of the Slow Motion Sneeze
So, you guys remember Paul? You know, the guy who dressed like a gourd . . . and who Jess started dating during the Thanksgiving episode? The one she had really bad sex with . . . who Nick was super jealous of hated . . . who broke up with Jess when he realized she didn’t love him yet . . . even though they’d only been dating for a few weeks, when it happened? Yeah . . . he’s back. That’s a wayyyy bigger backslide than returning Russell, don’t you think?
Here’s my question. Weren’t Jess and Paul only actually dating for a few weeks? What the heck did she do to him to make him cry so much in that short amount of time? Did she beat him repeatedly with sharp objects? Did she try to extract his teeth from his mouth, while he was sleeping? Because, I’m thinking this relationship had WAY worse problems than just bad sex, and rushed “I love yous.” Just saying . . .
Despite the obvious warning signs, Nick’s jumping headfirst into a repeat doomed-to-fail relationship with Caroline, seems to make Jess more determined than ever to couple up with Paul again. She rushes to his classroom to tell him as much. And it’s there that Paul reveals HIS deep dark secret . . . He has a serious girlfriend . . . one who kind of/sort of looks like an Asian-version of Jess . . . complete with Minnie Mouse-style clothing, emo glasses, and some seriously thick bangs . . .
Moral-to-a-fault, Jess initially seems determined to rat Paul out to her Asian Alter Ego. But Paul ends up beating her to the punch. And it’s at that moment that we learn that Asian Jess is also an incredibly Ugly Crier. Clearly, this is a match made in adorkable Heaven. Jess knows “true love” when she sees it except when it comes to her and Nick. And she’s not about to let it pass by her ex . . .
Jess even goes as far as to help Paul propose to her Asian self . . . right there in the classroom . . . minutes after the chick found out she was cheated on. It was the most awkward . . . awful . . . proposal ever . . . and yet so very Paul. Asian Jess said yes! Some kid in the class played here comes the bride on his clarinet . . . It was beautiful.
OK . . . not really. But it did cause Jess to have an epiphany about love, and why it’s important not to settle for a relationship that, deep down, you know, will fail. When a relationship is right for you, you’ll know it, as soon as you’re in it! (At least that’s how it works on TV!)
Jess rushes home. She can’t wait to share her new wisdom with Nick so that she can stop him mid-backslide. But will he listen?
“Summer’s Day is not a B*tch!”
How very Clockwork Orange of you!
Speaking of jumping into things wayyyyy too fast, in the course of a single episode, Nick has gone from seducing Caroline in his bedroom with incense and the song “Sentimental Reasons” to contemplating moving in with the chick . . .
Serious times call for serious measures. So Winston and Schmidt stage an intervention, literally holding his eyes open, and forcing him to watch a video he made of himself, back during his last breakup with Caroline. It was a dark time for Nick . . . He looked like Jesus . . .
. . . if Jesus was a homeless crazy person. He wouldn’t leave his couch. And spent his days collecting his own tears, and writing Caroline poems . . . like this one . . .
That’s beautiful, Nick! Shakespeare couldn’t have said it better himself.
Any sane person would have taken one look at the video, and gone running from that relationship, as fast as their legs could carry them. But not Nick. The allure of sandwiches, sex, and not being alone was just too powerful for him . . .
But there’s just something about seeing Schmidt conversing with all these old people about how to make relationships work that warms the cockles of Cece’s heart. (Personally, I’ve never really understood that phrase. What the heck are “cockles,” anyway? They sound dirty.) She tells Schmidt that, for the first time in her life, she wants to be in a real relationship. And she wants to be in one with him . . .
Annnnnnnd then he screams in agony, and passes out from the pain.
Apparently, all this healthy, happy, talk of love and long-term relationships was just too much for poor Schmidt’s crooked knotted wizard staff of a weiner to take.
Attention: We interrupt this recap for a segment during which I do nothing but share gifs that make fun of Winston’s perpetually expanding in size, and increasingly ridiculous earring . . . (Thank, i-heart-vampire-series.tumblr for all the great Winston gifs below.)
We now return to your regularly scheduled recap . . .
“You deserve love.”
Do you like a little romance, and unrequited angst with your comedy?
We’ve got some of that! Things actually start out really promising. It’s the end of the episode. Jess has just had her epiphany about true love, and not having to settle for less. She rushes to tell future soul mate Nick all about it, and finds him fresh out of the shower, looking all nakey and hot . . .
It’s enough to get any girl flustered. Fortunately, Jess has her speech pre-prepared. And it’s a good one . . . complete with it’s very own Tom Waits impersonation. (Though, to be honest. I don’t know who Tom Waits is . . . never heard him speak . .. and thought she sounded more like the Cookie Monster.) Jess tells Nick that he’s wrong about love and timing. She tells him that when love is real, and right. It’s right all the time.
She says all the right things. And she says them, while looking deeply into eyes and naked chest with such intensity and passion, that Nick can’t possibly do anything else but grab her face and kiss her, right?
WILL: “Just so you know, I’m not wearing any pants under here . . .”
Nothing says “glee-ful,” like a funeral, right? This week, Fox’s most peppy prime time program, took a turn for the teary, when it focused on the untimely death of the most beloved relative of McKinley High’s LEAST beloved coach . . .
Oops! I don’t think she liked that remark.
And yet, the episode wasn’t an ENTIRE cryfest. We also got to experience, a few tour de force musical numbers, a sentimental tribute to Will Schuester’s impressive sweater vest collection . . .
Hopefully, now that he’s given all of his clothing away, we’ll get to see more of THIS Mr. Schue . . .
. . . and, perhaps, most importantly, we got to watch Jesse St. James metaphorically make breakfast on the heads of all the Glee club members that AREN’T Rachel Berry . . .
“I already got MINE, guys! Now it’s your turn!”
So, wipe that egg off your face, and keep some Kleenex on hand for a good cry, because it’s time for your weekly Gleecap!
New Directions, New Villains and Zombies Who Like to Poop . . .
Any guesses as to how many innocent bottles of hairstyling gel were harmed in the making of this photo still?
It’s almost time for Nationals, Gleeks! And you know what that means! It’s time for the Glee kids to fight with one another over who gets a solo! (YAY!)
For reasons that completely defy the imagination, Will decides to use his perpetually miniscule budget to hire a “show choir consultant” to help New Directions succeed in its upcoming competition. And who better for the job, then the college dropout, who broke Rachel’s heart, and completely screwed over the club last year, by pretending to be one of its members, and ditching them at the very last minute, to sing for the enemy?
How could you not trust THIS face?
That’s right, boys and girls! It’s Jesse St. Jack Ass, reporting for duty! And if he wasn’t so friggin hot, I’m sure I’d have lots more bad stuff to say about him . . .
Jesse informs Will and Will mindlessly agrees, because he apparently packed his brain and soul in the same box as his sweater vests that the ONLY way for New Directions to win Nationals, is if they focus their entire performance around the club’s “best” singer. In Jesse’s defense, this DOES seem to be the strategy most commonly employed by McKinley High’s most formidable opponents. Take, for example, Vocal Adrenaline . . .
. . . and, of course, who could forget, The Warblers . . .
Of course, Finn, the humble soul that he is, suggests that he and Rachel lead the club in a duet. At which point Quinn (who would rather give birth to another illegitamate child, than see Rachel and her boyfriend eye f*&king eachother on stage) “kindly” reminds her “honey” that this was precisely the strategy that lost New Directions the Regional competition to Vocal Adrenaline last year.
“Don’t make me go all Lucy Caboosey on your ass!”
Adding insult to injury is St. Jackass, who tells Finn that the latter is not particularly talented at singing OR dancing. Oh, also, according to Jesse, when Finn performs, he looks like a “zombie who likes to poop.” This, of course, begs the question of what, exactly, a “Pooping Zombie” looks like . . . I’m going to guess that it looks something like this . . .
. . . combined with THIS . . .
. . . and mixed with a little of THIS . . .
(Mean or not . . . you’ve got to admit, the Jackass has a point) . . .
So, Will decides to hold “auditions” for his Glee kids to determine which of them gets to be the New Directions’ equivalent of Blaine Warbler . . .
Under normal circumstances, I suspect that the ENTIRE Glee club would have auditioned for the solo role at Nationals. However, since Finn was busy perfecting his Defecating Dead Guy Face . . .
. . . and since half of the episode was spent on Sue’s storyline the rest of the cast was . . . ummmm . . . washing their hair that day, the only ones who actually auditioned for the spot were Rachel (SURPRISE!), Kurt (SHOCKER!), Santana, and Mercedes . . .
First up was Santana, who sang Amy Winehouse’s “Back to Black.”
Her performance was pretty darn awesome. And the fact that she did it stone cold SOBER unlike the REAL Amy Winehouse was majorly impressive. She was also wearing an adorable outfit during her performance, which certainly doesn’t hurt (See above – I WANT THIS!). Though, I must say, given Santana’s usual “take no prisoners” personality, I was a bit disappointed that when singing the line, “He kept his _______ wet,” she replaced the word “dick” with the, significantly less naughty (and, therefore, much less fun), “lips.”
“What exactly do you have against ‘dicks’, Santana?” 😉
You can check out Santana’s entire performance, by clicking the internal link below . . .
Though Will thought this performance was “fabulous,” Jesse was underwhelmed, claiming that Santana missed the “emotion of the song.” Personally, I think Jesse was just offended by the lack of “dick” in the number. Think I’m exaggerating? Then explain this to me: Why did Jesse draw a picture of a puss . . . er . . . I mean . . . a cat, in his notepad, while Santana was singing?
What’s new, Pussy Cat?
Let that be a lesson to you, Santana: Censorship is BAD!
Next up was Kurt. He sang “Some People” from the Broadway Play Gypsy. And it was. . . well . . . very . . . KURT-y. That’s probably the best way to describe it . . .
I think part of the problem with the performance for me, was that my mind kept wandering during it. I kept getting distracted by those bizarre skull and crossbone flare pants Kurt wore on stage, coupled with hisweird “tied in the back like a paint smock” vest. Seriously, who DRESSES this kid? Edward Scissorhands?
One thing that can be said for Kurt though, he is VERY FLEXIBLE! Check out this move he managed to do, at the end of the musical number . . .
Blaine APPROVES!
But you know who DOESN’T approve of Kurt? Jesse! He wonders if Kurt is aware that “Some People” is a “Girl Song.” “I make my living singing “Girl Songs” Kurt explains. Point well taken, Kurt. But that still doesn’t explain those ridiculous pants . . .
You can check out Kurt’s performance by clicking on the link below:
Third up was Mercedes. She sang Otis Redding’s “Try a Little Tenderness,” which, if you are an afficionado of cheesy 80’s movies like me, you will remember as the song Jon Cryer’s Duckie absolutely KILLED (in a good way), during the film, Pretty in Pink . . .
If Santana’s and Kurt’s performances were good, Mercedes was AMAZING! (Though, admittedly, her dancing abilities are nowhere near up to par with those of the Duckster!) Even Jesse St. Jackass let out a “WOW,” when Mercedes belted out the song’s extremely challenging refrain.
This one is going on my ipod, FOR SURE! You can check the performance out, for yourself, below . . .
And yet, despite being obviously impressed by Mercedes vocal range, Saint Jackass still had little nice to say about McKinley High’s most unapologetic diva. He even went as far as to call the poor girl, of all things . . . LAZY!
After Mercedes kindly offered to allow Jesse to “taste her fist,” Rachel took the stage with, you guessed it, her 85,000th Barbra Streisand song.
Now, I know . . . “Babs” is supposed to be Rachel’s “idol” and all . . . but COME ON! Enough is enough! There ARE other singers on this planet besides Barbra, that sing ballads, you know!
Anyway, Rachel sang a song called “My Man.” Believe it or not, I had actually never heard the song, before the episode aired. And I don’t particularly want to hear it again.
Performance-wise, Rachel, as usual, did a fine job . . . well . . . except for two things: (1) she kept picturing Finn throughout the number, which was . . . nauseating annoying, to say the least; and (2) she made these weird, sort of constipated, facial expressions throughout the number. Perhaps, Rachel’s Great Love for Finn is starting to make her emote like he does . . .
If you are a Rachel fan, and/or a Barbra Streisand fan, you will definitely want to check out the link below . . .
You know who’s a HUGE Rachel fan? Jesse St. Jackass!
OK . . . so, he might not have been such a big fan, back then. But he’s definitely one now! And because he really wants to touch Rachel’s Berries admires her work, St. Jackass has absolutely nothing bad at all to say about his ex girlfriend’s performance. In fact, he thinks the Glee club’s Nationals’ performance should revolve around her . . . again.
Despite Jesse’s endorsement, however, Will ultimately decides that, rather than award ANY ONE GLEE KID a solo, the ENTIRE Glee club will sing original songs TOGETHER at Nationals . . . thereby making this entire audition process a whole load of poo.
“Haha! Jokes on YOU, Gleeks!”
The audition process wasn’t a TOTAL loss, however. It DID help Saint Jackass move one step closer to popping Rachel Berry’s cherries!
“Will Schuester, this is your ‘What Not to Wear’ Fasion Intervention.”
So, remember a few weeks back, when April invited Will to be in her lame ass Broadway show with her? Well, it turns out he’s going! In doing so, he’s leaving EVERYONE and EVERYTHING behind him, including the Glee kids, Emma, and those HIDEOUS sweater vests. Of course, Will hasn’t told his students this yet, because we need some sort of cliffhanger in the season finale he doesn’t want to distract them from winning Nationals.
While at Will’s house helping him pack, Emma tells Will that she remembers the sweater vest he wore when they first met. I can’t decide whether I think that is really sweet, or incredibly disturbing. So, the next day, Emma shows up at school WEARING THAT VEST . . .
(OK . . . I’ve made my decision, now . . . I’m going to go with “incredibly disturbing.” Thank you very much.)
Hmmm . . . let’s see, what else happened this week? . . . Oh yeah . . . the funeral.
Pure Imagination
It started like any other episode, with Sue and Terri trying to foil the Glee club’s plans to fly to New York, by rerouting their plane to Libya. (Libya? Really?) But then we learned that Sue had kicked Becky off of the Cheerios. And things got pretty maudlin, pretty fast . . .
When Will finds out about this, he confronts Sue about her incredible lack of sensitivity. Sue surprises Will by explaining that she kicked Becky off the Cheerios, because Becky reminds her too much of her older sister, Jean, who died of pneumonia in her sleep the night before. As is often the case in these type of situations, Sue blames herself for not being there for Jean, during her final moments.
Will informs the Glee kids of Sue’s loss. And, despite their extremely contentious relationship with the cheerleading coach, the kids arrive at her office, flowers and stuffed animals in hand, to pay their respects . . .
Finn and Kurt, both of whom know personally what it is like to lose a close family member, are particularly sympathetic to Sue, when she explains that she is too emotionally overwrought to sort through Jean’s personal items at the nursing home, or plan her funeral. So, the pair (who have already planned a FABULOUS wedding for their parents – remember?) commandeer the Glee club to help out an Enemy in Need.
Upon learning that Jean loved the film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, the Glee kids decorate the funeral home, with the film in mind, adorning Jean’s coffin with extra large lollipops, gumdrops, candycanes, and, of course, Everlasting Gobstoppers.
Now, no offense to Jean (may she rest in peace), but, am I the only one who finds the Willy Wonka movie POSITIVELY TERRIFYING? I mean, think about it, this is a story about kids that, as a result of some pretty minor infractions, turned blue and obese, drowned in chocolate, got shrunk to ant size, were attacked by squirrels, and got dropped down loooong trash chutes.
Just sayin’
Poorly-selected theme aside, the funeral was a truly beautiful one. It featured, among other things, Sue’s heart-tugging speech about her sister (which Will kindly read for the typically-stone cold educator, when she became too choked up to continue), uplifting videos of the deceased, during happier times . . .
. . . and the Glee kids tear-jerking performance of the song “Pure Imagination,” which was featured in the original film.
Oddly enough, the event inspired Finn to break up with Quinn, in the parking lot outside the funeral home. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a Quinn fan, at all! And I never particularly cared for Finn and Quinn as a couple. But SERIOUSLY? Talk about BAD TIMING! I mean, how insensitive can you get?
“Are you friggin kidding me, Poopy Zombie?”
Of course, any sympathy I may have had for Quinn was lost, the moment she told Finn that she didn’t mind if he continued to have feelings for Rachel, provided he dated Quinn through next year, so that the pair had another shot of winning Prom King and Queen.
Obviously, a girl who makes THIS kind of request of the boyfriend, who is clearly trying to dump her for SOMEONE ELSE, is either extremely shallow, or has pitifully low self esteem. (Maybe a little bit of both?) That being said, Quinn’s emotional exit from the car following the Big Dump, illustrated that the Wanna-Be Prom Queen’s feelings for Finn may, in fact, be deeper than she would like the casual onlooker to believe . . .
Oh, and she also threatened to do something naughty to Finn at Nationals. Hmmm . . . I wonder what she’s planning . . .
Hide your bunnies and your balls, Finn!
The question is: now, that Finn has FINALLY made up his mind until he inevitably changes it again, can he win back Rachel, before she falls headfirst into the ass of Jesse St. Jackass? Do we really care?
Only time will tell . . .
In other potential Character Redemption News, by way of saying “Thanks for the funeral,” Sue has decided that she no longer wants to send the Glee kids to their certain deaths in Libya. (PROGRESS!) She’d much rather . . . run for a seat in the House of Representatives?
You’ve really gotta love a Random Plot Point, like this one!
Oh, and she let Becky back into the Cheerios, even going as far as to offer the loveable teen the position of Captain, for the following year.
When the tightly-knit pair hugged one another, toward the end of the episode, I must admit, I got a little misty-eyed . . .
Did I mention that Will’s ridiculously annoying ex Terri (she of the fake pregnancies, and such) is moving to Miami to become manager of the Bed, Bath and Beyond Sheetz n’ Things store, down there?
Sayonara Sucka!
Or that this SAME woman randomly decided to get the ENTIRE GLEE CLUB first class tickets to New York for Nationals? (The “Sheetz” in Lima must pay REALLY WELL!) Yeah . . . I thought it was totally random too.
But, instead of talking about side characters, who I DON’T care about very much, let’s talk about ones that I actually LIKE . . . who were totally missing from this episode . . .
Where’s the Beiste?
And the Sunshine?
And why the F*&K didn’t PUCK have any lines or shirtless scenes this week?
Next week, is Glee season finale! (Can you believe this show has been on for two full seasons already?) In honor of the Big Event, the entire cast will be heading to New York City for the National competition!
You can check out the promo for this Sure-to-Be-Epic episode HERE:
So, my fellow Gleeks, the time has come for you to make your predictions: Will New Directions beat out Sunshine Corazon and her Vocal Adrenaline teammates, this year? Or are they destined for yet another crushing defeat? You’ll have to tune in next week, in order to find out. See ya then!
“You can get married as many times as you want, but there is only one prom,” says Quinn Febray, during Glee’s epic PROM EPISODE.
“This is how I decided to spend the alimony payments from each of my five ex-husbands. One lame tiara, for each lame man.”
Ahhh . . . the Prom Episode, every teen show has one. And only some of them are actually worth watching. After all, when it comes to prom episodes, there’s a whole lot of CLICHE to go around: the Pre-Prom Pictures, the Ugly Duckling Transformation, the Long, Slow Walk Down the Stairs, while the Admiring Boyfriend Looks On, the Inevitably Fight Over a Girl (or Guy), the Romantic Slow Dance Moment, and, of course, the crowning of the Prom’s King and Queen. And with cliches, comes a WHOLE LOT OF OPPORTUNITIES to be unmemorable . . .
A MAJOR Opportunity for a Cliche is RIGHT HERE! It’s a GOOD THING that these two didn’t win Prom King and Queen. That’s all I’m saying! (Oh, and Finn? 1985 called. It REALLY wants your powder blue cumberbund back . . .)
Fortunately, Glee’s “Prom Queen” managed to deftly sidestep all of the typical Prom Episode Traps that were just waiting to trip it up. The result was a genuinely fun-filled, toe-tapping, heart warming, tear-inducing, hour of television.
My fellow Gleeks, the time has come to zip up those dresses, strap on the corsages, spike the punch, and practice dancing the night away, in those ridiculously uncomfortable high heels. In the iconic words of Sam Evan’s “Who’s ready for some PROM?”
I Love it When Glee Gets All Self-Deprecating and Self-Referential!
“Give me back my BALLS, B*tch!”
The moment I knew that I was going to LOVE this week’s installment of Glee occurred about two minutes into the episode, when Jacob Ben-Israel shoved a microphone in Puck’s face, and asked him a question that was purportedly given to him by “fans at home: “Where does Lauren keep your balls?”
“Fans from Home,” INDEED! I think MANY of us have been asking ourselves this very question, ever since the writers made the BIZARRE decision to couple Puck and Lauren, back during the Valentine’s Day episode. So, it’s comforting to know that at least SOMEONE in the writers’ room is listening. Because, as much as I desperately want to have sex with ADORE my Sexy Puck-meister . . .
. . . even I must admit that he does act a tad “Neutered Puppy”-esque when hanging around a certain Full-Figured Female.
Cute? Definitely! Bad Ass? Not exactly . . .
And did you notice how Puck and Lauren had virtually no scenes together, this week? I smell PROGRESS!
Strike THREE, Zizes! YOU’RE OUT!
That being said, the fact that Puck chose to “up his street cred” this week, by (1) NOT spiking the Prom Punch; and (2) rocking out to a rather annoying song written by a 13-year old, leads me to question whether or not Lauren not only chopped off his manhood when she started dating him, but gave him a LOBOTOMY too . . .
That being said, I still want to attend a party in his pants . . .
In other META-news, when Principal Figgins asks Mr. Schue if his Glee kids could perform at prom (Apparently, Air Supply canceled AGAIN! Stupid Air Supply!) . . .
. . . Sue Sylvester pipes in with a list of all of the WORST SONGS EVER PERFORMED on Glee by the Glee Club. Included on this list, of course, are . . .
“Run, Joey, Run”
(Coincidentally, it is from the video of “Run, Joey, Run” that I obtained my absolute FAVORITE, and, admittedly, very much overrused, Sexy White-Tank Wearing Puck GIF, which you may have noticed above.)
AND . . .
that ridiculous “Hair” / “Crazy in Love” Mashup . . .
Now, THIS was REALLY BAD!
One thing that’s gotta be said for Glee, when the show messes up, at least it’s willing to ADMIT IT . . . most of the time, anyway.
Was it just me, or did Brittany seem unusually smart, this week? Perhaps, when Lauren cut off the frontal lobe of Puck’s brain, she ended up donating it to the web host of Fondue for Two . . .
There was a bit of intrigue, early on in the episode, regarding which Glee kids would take which other Glee kids to prom. (Because, HEAVEN FORBID, any of them take NON-CAST MEMBERS, right?) I mean, we already knew that Finn was going to take Quinn (yawn), Mike was going to take Tina (zzzzzz), Puck was going to take Lauren (BOO!), and Santana and Karofsky were going to be eachother’s closeted dance partners. But it was interesting to see the, usually proud and independent, Mercedes so decidedly bummed about not having a date . . .
MERCEDES: “I can’t understand why no one has asked me to prom yet?”
RACHEL: “Do you think it might have something to do with the fact that you are wearing a HUGE, SCARY OPEN MOUTH on your chest?”
Some have argued that Mercedes sudden interest in having a boyfriend, when she has seemed to show NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER, in the past, seems out of character, and more like a Plot Device, than anything else. However, I kind of feel like Mercedes is someone who hides her insecurities behind a cloak of false bravado. And, as such a person, she would sooner knock something she can’t have, than admit that she truly wants it. That being said, I love that Mercedes’ friendship with Rachel has evolved to the point where the former can be truly honest with the latter, about her hopes and dreams.
Ho’s Before Bro’s!
Speaking of Rachel, we all know she can be SUPER selfish sometimes. So, it was really refreshing to see her take others’ needs into consideration, this week.
Finny LIKE!
She did this by orchestrating a group date between Mercedes, Sam, and herself so that (1) all of them had dates to the prom; and (2) Sam’s financial situation did not keep him from attending. Way to go, Rach!
Trouty Mouth is very pleased!
“I am a TOTAL PIMP!”
Meanwhile, Blaine struggles with his own insecurities about attending prom with Kurt, as a result of a traumatic experience, during Blaine’s public school days, when he was beat up for attending a Sadie Hawkins dance with one of his gay friends . ..
In an Awesome Mutually Mature Boyfriend Moment, Kurt, despite obviously REALLY wanting to attend the prom, tells Blaine that he would be willing to skip the event, if Blaine feels uncomfortable with it. Likewise, Blaine, though clearly not without reservations, loves Kurt so much, that he is willing to face up to his deepest, darkest, fears in order to make Kurt happy. (By the way, I love how, when Kurt asks Blaine to the prom he actually refers to him as “Blaine Warbler.” SO CUTE!)
Secretly hoping that their public acts of kindness will win them points in the Prom King and Queen Race, Team Beard, Santana and Karofsky offer to give Kurt round the clock protection from bullying (well . . . at least during school hours).
This inevitably results in some VERY interesting and intense moments between Kurt and Karofsky, which I plan to discuss more fully in just a bit. But, for now, let’s talk about Artie . . .
Dear, sweet, Artie! You broke my heart many times over this week, from your Fashion Disaster Prom Wardrobe (Elvis Hair? Orange Suit? Ruffled Shirt? NO! NO and HELL NO!), to your defeated (and, let’s face it, slightly pathetic) acceptance of torture at the hands of Sue Sylvester. But nothing you did this week, broke my heart like your failed serenade of Brittany.
“I know you are mad at me now, but I was wondering if you would possibly be interested in having a threesome with Santana and me? Best of both worlds, right?”
Sure, you called her stupid, which was probably the ONE thing you could have said to Brittany that would get her to dump you. And, yes, you kind of added insult to injury, by singing, of all songs, Stevie Wonder’s “Isn’t She Lovely” to her, which is, after all, a song about a NEWBORN BABY . . .
The lyrics, “Less than ONE MINUTE OLD,” should have probably clued you in to that one . . .
But still, to be shot down, in front of an ENTIRE HOME ECONOMICS class, because your ex tells you that she would rather go to her prom ALONE, and have hot sex with Santana dance with lots of random guys, instead of YOU . . . now that’s GOTTA HURT! Artie, if I wasn’t sure it would give me a painful electrical shock (I’ve actually tried this before . . . “smart” . . . I know), I probably would have hugged you right through the television screen . . .
Everybody Loves Rachel . . . for a change (well, except, maybe, for Quinn)
“Yes! They are fighting over ME! Rachel Berry! Everybody loves ME! I’m awesome. Oh, boys! Stop fighting! This is terrible! Someone is going to get hurt . . . and I can’t afford to break my nose, again.”
Rachel Berry may already have TWO dates to the prom. But she’s about to get at least one more (and, if Eye F*&king counts as “dating,” possibly TWO more). We see Rachel practicing her solo number for the prom, Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep.” Then, seemingly out of nowhere (Seriously, is there NO security at this school?) Jesse St. James magically appears in the auditorium, transforming her already highly emotive solo into an extremely sexually-tense duet . . .
You can check out the pair’s full performance here . . .
Whatever you may have felt about the so-called “St. Berry pairing” back in Season 1, and it’s unfortunate, not to mention, completely out-of-the-blue, ending . . .
Sunny side down?
. . . the sexual chemistry between Jonathan Groff and Lea Michele is undeniable (which is odd, considering that Groff is so clearly GAY). And never is the pair more on fire, than when they are mutually breaking into song. If you recall, this is precisely how the couple’s relationship first began . . .
JESSE: “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a woman on top of a piano. It’s very Pretty Woman.”
RACHEL: “But we are in a library . . . and there are old people in the background, watching us.”
JESSE: “Doesn’t that turn you on?”
RACHEL: “Not really.”
JESSE: “Work with me here. I’m trying to get you laid.”
Though, admittedly, I prefer the original Adele version of “Rolling in the Deep” to what “Rachel and Jesse” performed here, both the acting and directing of this scene are positively flawless. I love the way the singers’ facial expressions alternate from almost angry, to wistful, to attracted, to indifferent, to competitive, and, finally, to joyous at various points throughout the number. I also appreciate the way Rachel and Jesse circle one another around the piano, as they sing, engaging in what seems to be a strange, and undoubtedly sexual, mating dance between predator and prey . . . lover and scorned . . . where the participants are each simultaneously playing both roles.
JESSE: “There is something different about you. Did you get a nose job?”
RACHEL: “No, Jesse! I decided against doing that. Geez! Don’t you watch Glee?”
As it turns out, Jesse, who was supposedly a senior in high school, during the show’s first season, has (conveniently) dropped out of college, and now (also conveniently) wishes to start his own business as a consultant to Glee Clubs and show choirs. His reason for breaking into McKinley High? Well, it seems to be two-fold:
(1) He wishes to apologize to Rachel for the whole “egg-head” business. Apparently, selling his girlfriend out for a fourth consecutive championship win of a HIGH SCHOOL competition seems short-sighted to him, in hindsight (Gee, ya think?); and
(2) He knew Rachel’s prom was coming up, and wanted to take her. (You know . . . because college guys always keep track of rival high school’s social calendars, while they are away.)
Was this a contrived way for the writers to bring back this character? Absolutely. And yet, I’m actually really excited about Jesse’s return, not only because I enjoy his interactions with Rachel (She tends to be WAY less whiny and annoying, when she’s with him.), but because I’m positively THRILLED about what his return is going to do to Finn . . .
Watch out Finn-y! Your emotions are showing!
Speaking of Finn, he sure seemed to be All Aboard the Rachel Train, this week, didn’t he? The minute Finn learned that Rachel was considering taking Jesse to prom, he suddenly seemed SUPER CONCERNED about Rachel “getting her heart broken again.”
(After all, the only person allowed to break Rachel’s heart is FINN, right?)
Rachel rightly tells Finn to go f*&k himself, that, as someone who’s currently dating Quinn, he has NO RIGHT to weigh in on Rachel’s romantic rendezvous. Rachel (Bless her heart, girlfriend was pure PERFECTION this episode!) then proceeds to make Finn even SORRIER about dating the wrong girl, by expertly offering him advice on how to purchase the perfect corsage for his ACTUAL girlfriend but probably not for long Quinn. (“A Gardenia . . . with a green ribbon around it . . . to match her eyes,” Rachel suggests).
Oh, Finn! You poor smitten, little boy! You are SO SCREWED!
Tension rises between Finn and Jesse, when the two encounter one another at Breadsticks (which, apparently, is the only restaurant in Lima, Ohio) later in the episiode. Finn, in a not-so-subtle allusion to the “Little Game of Egg Toss” Jesse played with Rachel’s head, last season, asks the college dropout, if he ordered “eggs” for dinner.
In return, Jesse makes a few snide remarks about Finn’s bad dancing skills . . .
Ahem . . .
. . . even going as far as to offer HIMSELF to QUINN as a dance partner, when she gets tired of Finn-y Boy stepping on her feet.
Jesse – 1, Finn – 0
At the prom, when Rachel sings her solo number to Christina Perri’s “Jar of Hearts” (What happened to “Rolling in the Deep”?) Finn, who just so happens to be dancing with Quinn at the time, keeps leering at Rachel, as if he wants to swallow her whole . . .
. . . Finny Boy conveniently misinterprets Rachel’s nearly orgasmic reaction as displeasure and TOTALLY SNAPS, attacking Jesse like a wild drooling rabid dog, who hasn’t eaten in weeks. This, of course, gets BOTH Jesse and Finn promptly tossed out of the prom. Quinn is upset by this, because she BELIEVES it will prevent her from winning prom queen. But, in all honesty, she actually doesn’t win, because nobody really likes her . . .
Take that, Lucy Caboosey!
The smallest little violin in the world begins playing, as Quinn rushes off sobbing to the bathroom (“I’m not going to be prom queen, BOO HOO HOO! My life is over. I’m transferring schools . . . AGAIN,” she wails.)
And Rachel, ever the glutton for punishment, actually rushes in to comfort this b*tch. (Seriously, Rachel was like SUPERHUMANLY ANGELIC this week. This means that, next week, the writers will probably make her Evil Incarnate.) So, what does Rachel get for trying to be a decent human being to Quinn in her so-called hour of need? Well, she gets THIS . . .
But, like I said, Rachel COULD DO NO WRONG this week. And even after Quinn gives her “free blush” on one side of her face, Rachel sticks around to find out why Quinn is “so upset.”
Well, for starters, Quinn is upset because she currently wants Finn. Tomorrow, she might want Puck. And the day after, she might want Sam. But today, it’s Finn. And the day Quinn wants someone, she’ll be DAMNED if he’s interested in someone else!
What I found interesting about Quinn’s “little speech,” was that she seemed LESS upset about the fact that Finn seems currently more attracted to Rachel, than to her, and MORE upset about the fact that OTHER people noticed that, and, (she thinks) didn’t select them as Prom King and Queen because of it. Way to keep your priorities straight, girl!
“Oh, don’t cry Quinn . . . it gives you wrinkles.”
The other thing Quinn claims to be worried about, is something the writers ALWAYS have her character worry about, every time they want to make her “sympathetic” to the audience. Quinn complains to Rachel that life is SO MUCH HARDER for her, than it is for Rachel, because, unlike Rachel Quinn is just so pretty. And as a result of her ridiculous attractiveness (and lack of other redeeming qualities), post-high school life for Quinn might actually end up being pretty darn disappointing.
I hate to say it, but Quinn’s probably right about her future . . .
Nonetheless, Rachel lies through her teeth, assuring Quinn that she’s more than just a pretty face. She’s a better person than me, that Rachel. That’s for DAMN sure!
You know who else is a MUCH better person than I am? EVERYBODY Kurt Hummel.
One of the coolest things about Kurt Hummel, I think, is that he’s not just content to be an out-and-proud teen. Rather, Kurt sees it as his personal mission to educate teens and adults on having tolerance for various alternative lifestyles. And though that Bizarre Kilt Thing Kurt wanted to wear to prom, SERIOUSLY freaked out his dad, Finn and Blaine, not to mention rivaled only ARTIE’S tuxedo, as the WORST PROM OUTFIT ever . . .
. . . I still respected the courage it took for Kurt to wear it. Speaking of respect, I think Karofsky gained a whole lot of it for Kurt, when the latter found it in his heart, not just to forgive the former for bullying him, but also to take pity on the pain he was experiencing as a closeted gay youth . . .
Kurt’s kindness, and his recognition of Karofsky’s inner turmoil, causes the normally stoic jock to break down into uncharacteristic tears. Moved by Karofsky’s display of emotion, Kurt encourages him to stop hiding his true self, and come out of the closet “not tomorrow, but when you can.”
Unfortunately, things take a turn for the worst at prom, when Puck and Sam sing Rebecca Black’s Friday, which, though better than the original version, still makes me want to clean out my ears with bleach . . .
SAM: “We are SO going to get our asses kicked for doing this song, aren’t we?”
Well, I guess that’s not such a bad thing, in and of itself. But then, in a cruel twist, the McKinley High School kids insensitively nominate KURT as Prom Queen, causing both him AND Santana, to run out of the auditorium in tears.
Blaine sweetly comforts Kurt outside by the lockers, offering him the same comforting safety net, Kurt had offered him back when he worried about attending the prom in the first place. “We don’t have to stay here, you know. We can leave and never look back.” But Kurt isn’t ready to accept defeat just yet. Instead, he decides to (1) return to the auditorium and get coronated; (2) dance to Mercedes’ and Santana’s rendition of “Dancing Queen;” and (3) in doing so, impliedly, tell all the homophobes in his student body to go F*&k Themselves . . .
(By the way, PRINCIPAL FIGGINS, the kids at your school play a practical joke on a gay male student, by electing him prom queen, and YOU allow him to be coronated to the tune of DANCING QUEEN, of all songs! FOR SHAME!)
That being said, since it WAS Mercedes and Santana singing, don’t you think they could have . . . I don’t know . . . sang a DIFFERENT SONG? Like “Macho Man,” perhaps? 😉
For a moment, it looks as though Karofsky might muster up the courage to actually dance with Kurt. But, seeing his classmates’ reaction to Kurt’s bold acceptance of the crown, frightens Karofsky to his core. And, at the last second, Karofsky runs from the auditorium, once again, in tears. Fortunately, Blaine is standing right behind Kurt at the time, and is more than willing to “have this dance” with him.
(Speaking of Blaine, his rocking out to the most awkwardly titled song ever, the “I’m Not Going to Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance,” was pretty awesome, right? Now, don’t get me wrong,, it’s not that I particularly love the song. But boyfriend SURE CAN DANCE! Plus, I found the number refreshingly non-Warbler-esque, which was great . . . for me, anyway!)
I mentioned Santana, earlier. She shared a very sweet scene with Brittany outside the auditorium, in which she tearfully wondered why everyone hated her, just because SHE hated THEM. 🙂 An unusually-wise-this-week Brittany argued that the rest of the school didn’t vote for Santana because they would rather play a mean joke on Kurt because they can somehow tell that she’s not being true to herself. (Now, that’s a nice idea and all. But, then, how did KAROFSKY win?)
Argument fallacies aside, my heart warmed a bit, when Brittany told Santana that if she “embraced the awesomeness of who she is, she would have won.” Now, honestly, I’m not sure I believe that . . . but it was a sweet thing to say, nonethless.
And when Brittany politely told Santana to stop whining, pull her head out of her ass, and be supportive to Kurt in his time of need, well, that was EVEN sweeter . . .
Wearer of the Worst Prom Outfit Ever . . . meet the Worst Plotline Ever.
As I sort of mentioned earlier, there was also this sort of bizarre storyline, in which Puck convinced Artie to spike the punch at the dance . . . and then Sue Sylvester CAUGHT Artie doing it . . . so she randomly tortured him with dental tools . . . until she found out that he DIDN’T actually spike the punch?
Yeah . . . rest assured, that plotline was about as random, and annoying to watch, as it probably was to read. So,I’m not going to spend any more time on it than what you see here. . . except to say that, perhaps, the whole point of the storyline was simply to once-again punish Artie for wearing that Ugly Ass Suit . . .
Don’t worry Artie! Everyone makes mistakes! Next week will be better for you, I promise. (Because, we all know it can’t get much worse!)
So, that was basically “Prom Queen” in a nutshell. Next week’s Glee installment, entitled “Funeral,” promises to be a much darker episode. . . not to mention, a deadlier one. You can check out the promo for THAT episode HERE . . .
Now, it’s time to start speculating, my fellow Gleeks, if you haven’t started already. Which cast member do you think has already sung his (or her) final Swan Song? Tune in next week to find out . . .
Well, would you look at that? It’s a gay vampire riding in on a white horse to “save the day!” (Insert sexual euphemism and/or cheesy pun here.)
Did I miss something? Did Valentine’s Day come early this year? Because there sure was a lot of LOVE in this episode. And I’m not just talking sex either. (Sadly, there was none of that.)
I’m talking about that real mushy gushy stuff. The kind of “stuff” that would make you drop someone’s favorite beverage at their doorstep a few minutes before dawn (Hoyt and Jessica); or write a list about why you’d be a good father to their kids (Terry and Arlene – He passed anger management and tamed an armadillo); or babysit a drunk (Andy and Jason); or save a person’s life (Lafayette and Tara); or feel “disturbingly human.” (Sookie and Eric)
So, what you do you say, we get this lovefest started?
Things That Go Growl In The Night . . .
“Mmmm, Eric, your breath smells refreshingly minty. What toothpaste do you use?
“AB – Negative.”
When we last left our good pal Sookie, her and Vampire Jessica were “feeling” Bill. Their “feelings” let them to a crashed car, with a werewolf corpse inside. Operation Werewolf markings were on both the body and vehicle. Despite having little luck previously, Sookie, armed with new intel, decided to take another shot at asking Vampire Eric for help in finding her Bill (or should I say “Beaaal” like she says it). At Fangtasia, Sookie tells Eric about the whole werewolf thing, and initially, he seems unimpressed. “Your obsession with Bill Compton is going to get you killed,” he says matter-of-factly.
But then Sookie, wisely, does the same thing I do whenever I get pulled over by a cop for suspected speeding (not that it happens often, mind you) . . . She cries!
Oh no! Not like THAT! That’s real crying! Ugly crying! That NEVER works . . .
Ahh . . . much better! Good form, Sookie!
Although his facial expression never changes, you can tell that Eric, in his own sexy vampiric way, is highly moved by Sookie’s tears. “Please don’t do that,” he says without affect, “It makes me feel disturbingly . . . human.”
WOO HOO! Sookie and Eric sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S . . .Sorry, got a little carried away for a moment there. I’m back now . . .
Dejected, Sookie leaves Fangtasia with a final plea to Eric that he help her find Bill. At first, it seems as though Eric has no intention of helping Sookie. Once she is out of sight, he crumbles up the paper she gave him with werewolf intel, and tosses it aside. But then . . . suddenly, he’s in Germany, in a Nazi uniform, and guess who’s there?
It’s GODRIC! He’s ALIVE! I mean . . . DEAD . . . I mean . . . undead?
Actually, the answer is none of the above. Godric (played by Allan Hyde) is still very dead-dead, which means this is a World War II flashback. Apparently (as Eric explains to Sookie later), Operation Werewolf had some sort of connection to the Nazis back in the day, but they, like the vampires, were around long before that.
In the flashback, a she-wolf eats an American solider. Eric and Godric come upon her, and Eric attacks the she-wolf. She claims they are on the “same side.” Eric disagrees. (Nice to know my lover isn’t a real Nazi. That would have been a bit of a turnoff, I think . . .)
Like the “Operation” Werewolves in present day, She-Wolf seems a bit hopped up on vampire blood. She begs Eric for a drink. And, although Godric cautions against it, Eric complies. But then She-Wolfs goes apesh*t, and Vampire Eric has to finish her off. Godric doesn’t like that at all, and he gives Eric a real judgy look. Parents . . . they’re no fun at all . . .
Later, Jason comes over to Sookie’s house to play. She tells him how much she misses Bill, and the way he says “Sookeh!” (Great impression, by the way! Way to go Anna P! Bet you and Mr. Moyer were practicing that one in bed!) She then tells him about the existence of werewolves. He’s thrilled! “Does that mean Bigfoot is real too? SANTA?!” He asks, excitedly.
Awww! Jason!! Sweet, hot, dim-witted Jason! I already saw this scene in the promos for the show. But it still made me giggle and squeal like a little school girl the second time around!
When Sookie arrives at work, she finds herself stalked by a real creepy looking werewolf. But he disappears before she can get a good look at his ugly mug. That night, ANOTHER werewolf breaks into Sookie house. Fortunately, Eric comes to the RESCUE!
There were a ton of great scenes in this episode, but I’m pretty sure this second Sookie / Eric scene of the evening was my favorite, for obvious reasons. Eric arrives at Sookie’s door and inquires after the intruder. He then tells her that he lied to her earlier, and comes clean about the whole “Operation Werewolf ” thing. “Why are you telling me this now?” Sookie asks.
“Because circumstances have changed . . . I have no interest in rescuing Bill. In fact, it would be advantageous to me if he were never to return. However, now they are coming after you . . . and I . . .” Eric hesitates, unsure of the proper words. (He seems almost . . . disturbingly human.)
” . . . my objective was to protect you from danger, not increase it. Your life is to valuable to throw away,” he finally concludes.
“What do you want me to do?” Sookie whispers.
“I want you to invite me in, so that I can protect you, and have passionate, primal sex with you. Hopefully both.”
Sookie seems taken aback by his request, a bit angered by his boldness, and more than a little turned on by the sexual proposition (REMEMBER “stamina” is Eric’s middle name).
A much stronger woman than I am (You had me at primal sex, Eric!), Sookie insists she still belongs to Bill. Eric concedes that is true. They talk a bit about the difficulties of Sookie’s relationship with Bill.
Suddenly, Eric gets up in Sookie’s face and demands he be invited in. Sookie begins to argue again, but notes the new insistence in his voice, and ultimately invites him inside. At that same moment, a werewolf enters the home, braced for attack.
Eric bares his fangs, and Sookie grabs her gun and shoots, just as the werewolf begins to pounce . . .
Andy and Jason = BFFs Forever
Cutest couple EVER!
While Sookie and Eric are battling werewolves and flirting shamelessly with one another, another adorable twosome is navigating the waters of a new and beautiful friendship. If you recall, Andy has taken the rap for shooting Eggs, even though Jason ACTUALLY shot him, in order to protect his big cuddly loverboy, Andy.
But now, Andy is being hailed as a hero, an Jason is a bit jealous. The elder Stackhouse copes with his feelings just like everyone else in this town seems to . . . by getting wasted, of course!
“I keep trying to be good and do the right thing,” slurs Jason. “But I always end up doing the wrong thing.”
Andy doesn’t know exactly how to respond to this sudden drunken show of emotion by his bromantic buddy. So, he does what any good boyfriend would do in this situation, he compliments his pal’s good looks. “You’re prettier than most girls!” Andy offers optimistically!
You can say THAT again! Andy!
But Andy doesn’t say it again. Instead, he tells Jason that he could do anything he puts his (admittedly small) mind to, as long as he applies himself. Andy then drags a drunken Jason along with him to a nearby trailer park called “Hot Shot,” where some guy named Calvin Norris is suspected of having a meth lab. While Andy is attempting to chase down the suspect, Jason comes across one of the few girls out there, who may actually be just as pretty as Jason, himself . . .
Jason tries to talk to Miss Pretty (Lindsay Pulpisher, playing the new upcoming role of Crystal Norris), but she runs away before he can get many words in. This gives Jason just enough time to tackle Calvin Norris for Andy and save the day! We knew Andy was right about Jason being pretty. But, it looks like he was also right about that whole “applying himself” thing. Who knew?
Vampire Jessica Makes Bill a Grandpa!
“Crap! I’m a mom! But, how can that be? I thought I was supposed to be a Virgin for all eternity! Is this like Divine Conception, or something?”
Vampire Jessica is a bit distracted. You see, she ate this guy, and fed him her blood. And now he’s rotting and decaying, and stinking up her coffin, not to mention her “dad’s” entire house. So, it’s understandable that she’s not exactly in the mood for nookie. So, when Hoyt arrives at her home, with a six pack of her favorite brand of True Blood, in hopes of reconciling, she’s a bit less than friendly.
To Hoyt’s credit, he gives this really great heartfelt speech to Vampire Jess, about how he understands why she tried to eat his mother, and how the two of them can fight their flawed natures together. Vampire Jess is clearly moved by the speech. But she’s so horrified by the heinous murder she committed, and embarrassed by her stinky home, that she pushes Hoyt away. And I felt so bad for the poor guy, I literally almost cried.
Convinced that her “victim” is “Dead-Dead,” Vampire Jessica begins to make plans for his proper disposal, even going as far as to rent a chainsaw to hack up Dead Guy’s body parts (Mmmmm, yummy!) However, when she returns to the basement that evening, the body is GONE!
Lafayette and Tara Meet Mysterious Men / Decide Life is Worth Living . . .
Surprising precisely NO ONE, Lafayette rescues Tara from her half-hearted pill-swallowing suicide attempt. Hoping to keep her from trying to off herself again, Lafayette takes Tara to a surprisingly classy mental hospital where Lafayette’s (extremely sharp and witty for a crazy gal) mom is currently residing . . .
Lafayette’s mom (Alfre Woodard) tells Lafayette that he was “killed” when he came out as being gay. He claims Tara was “killed” too. “Almost,” replies Tara, quite truthfully.
Neither Lafayette nor Tara say much to Mommy. After all, Lafayette didn’t really want to see her, he just wanted to use her to teach Tara a lesson. Namely, don’t go nuts like my mom, or I’ll lock YOU away too! Lafayette DOES exchange quite a few words with this guy, however . . .
. . . his mother’s caretaker, Jesus (played by Kevin Alejandro).
No, no . . . not that one. (It’s pronounced Hay-soos.)
And based on the close talking and lascivious looks these two were giving one another, you just KNOW they are going to hooking up sometime real soon! It’s HIGH TIME our boy Lafayette got some loving! After all, he hasn’t had Vampire Eric’s blood in a while, and he REALLY needs something new to dance about . . .
Back at Merlotte’s, a mysterious vampire approaches the bar. In hopes of making small talk, Tara tells him that she wants to kill herself. (Very nice, Tara! What a conversationalist you are! It’s a real wonder you’re still single!) Fortunately, for Tara (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), the new vampire dude . . .
. . . who we know from promos is Franklin Mott (played by James Frain), is unperturbed by Tara’s admission. In fact, he’s so unperturbed, that later that night, he holds some drunk dudes upright while Tara kicks the crap out of them for fun. Ahhh . . . young love!
The Family That Shifts Together, Stays Together . . .
“Oh, don’t worry! This is how we greet ALL of our long lost relatives, down in Hickville!”
After being held at gunpoint by a man who ends up being his biological brother, Tommy (Marshall Allman), Sam is led inside a shabby home. There, he reunites with his worse-for-wear mother and father. As it turns out, both Mommy and Tommy Merlotte (well . . . Mickens, actually) are shifters, like Sam, while his father is “normal.”
Sam’s Mommy cries a bit (but the tears are no where near as pretty as Sookie’s, and therefore, are less, effective) about how she didn’t mean to give up Sam and blah, blah, blah . . . Sam’s a bit resentful about being put out to pasture to fend for himself as a child, but remains remarkably polite to his trashy bio parents.
The same cannot be said for Sam’s brother, Tommy, who instantly resents him for intruding on his “happy family.”
But then, suddenly (almost TOO suddenly), Tommy wants to make friends. His olive branch of peace? “Let’s go for a run,” offers Tommy.
Sam immediately takes off his shirt, and I get excited . . .
But then he turns into a dog . . .
Oh well . . . can’t win em all!
Tommy turns into a dog too. But he’s this weird funny looking bull dog thing . . . not cute at all. While the two are out running, a car conveniently swerves into their path.
“Miraculously” Tommy has enough foresight to turn into a bird and fly away before the car can hit him. Sam fares slightly less well, rolling out of the way, just moments before becoming road kill. The bad news is, his brother clearly tried to kill him. The good news is, Sam wound up naked in the bushes, as a result. SO HOT!
Who Knew There Were So Many Good Recipes You Could Make with Blood?
And lastly, we have Vampire Bill and his bloody journey to Mississippi. It looks like Alan Ball has heard our complaints. He seems to be totally intent on making Bill Compton more interesting this season.
Last week, Bon Temps’ Dullest Vamp starred in that hot gay dream with Sam. This week, he BIT OFF SOME DUDE’S EAR! (Now, that’s not very “Southern Gentleman” like, now is it?) Upon finding Vampire Bill looking like an extra in a zombie movie, Big Gay Vampire King Russell Edgington (Denis O’ Hare) . . .
. . . lectures head werewolf Coot (Grant Bowler) on letting his men feed on Vampire Bill. He then disposes of the remaining werewolves (aside from Coot). Finally, in yet another homoerotic scene that would not seem at all out of place on the cover of a romance novel, Russell invites Vampire Bill aboard his massive white steed . . .
Russell brings Vampire Bill back to his bedroom his mansion. It is there that Bill is introduced to Talbot (played by Theo Alexander), Russell’s lover, as well as home decorater, in-house chef, and host extraordinaire.
I haven’t known this character long, but already I ADORE him! In sheer queenishness, Talbot could give Lafayette a real run for his money. Here’s hoping Talbot ditches old fogey Edgington, and heads to Bon Temp for some Lafayette-flavored loving SUPER soon!
While Bill and Russell talk business in a way that is polite, while still filled with thinly veiled threats, Talbot regales them with a four course meal that includes, blood sherbert, blood soup, the blood of some Thai boy, and blood from a woman who eats nothing but Tangerines. Take that lame True Blood bottles from Merlotte’s!
Russell meanwhile has a proposition for Vampire Bill. If Bill spills the information he has on Queen Sophie Anne, Russell will give him the position of Sheriff of Area 2. Apparently, Russell would like to marry Sophie Anne, in order to increase the size of his dominion. He believes that having some blackmail material under his belt, might help him to persuade her to enter into the union. Bill claims he has no information on Sophie Ann. However, Russell begs to differ.
Russell insinuates that Bill initially traveled to Bon Temps on orders from Sophie Anne. We later learn that Russell has hired someone to search Bill’s home back in Bon Temps. There, the searcher finds a drawer full of personal information about Sookie.
Could Bill have seduced Sookie solely on Sophie Anne’s request? Is there whole relationship a LIE? If such a development means Sookie will dump Bill’s ass and run straight into Eric’s arms, I say, BRING IT ON, BABY!
When Bill fails to respond to Russell’s insinuations, the Big Gay Vampire King resorts to threatening Sookie’s life (by sending werewolves to her home perhaps?). That’s when Bill gets angry! It’s also when his maker Lorena magically appears . . .
And Bill responds by doing what fans of the show have wanted him to do to Lorena since she first appeared . . .
He throws a lamp at her head and SETS THE B*TCH ON FIRE!
Dammit, Bill Compton! Stop making me like you so much!
That’s all I’ve got folks. All in all, it was a stellar second episode, in my opinion. Quick-moving, well-plotted, and jam packed with sexually tense Sookie and Eric goodness — exactly how I like my True Blood!
“I am dressed like this, and all you want to do is talk about your ‘feelings’? Seriously?”
Watching Grey’s Anatomy tonight was like reading one of those relationship advice columns they put in the back of fashion magazines: there was tons of psychobabble, a few choice one-liners, and virtually NO ACTION! (Save for a single hot — but way too PG for my taste — Bailey and Gasman smooch, buried at the back end of the episode.)
Playing the part of “Dear Abby” this week was Callie, who, like the aforementioned relationship columnist, sagely dealt out bite-sized morsels of free advice to her colleagues throughout the episode, until she found herself in a lovers’ quandary of her own . . .
So, without further adieu, let’s take a look at the lonelyhearts letters that found their way into Callie’s inbox during this episode . . .
Dear Callie,
My character has been an insufferable hypocritical tool for about a half-dozen episodes now. First, I dumped my significantly younger girlfriend for an inconsequential guest star my daughter. Then, I traveled to Private Practice LA and boinked a friend of mine, but bitched out my ex when she did the same thing. Finally, I continue to berate and threaten my ex’s sort-of new beau for having the gall to screw MY WOMAN, even though I am currently screwing the entire nurse’s staff in the on-call room. How should the writers go about redeeming me to the viewers?
Sincerely,
Dr. McSteamy Turdface
In the episode’s opening moments, Mark Sloan a.k.a McSteamy is working out his pectorals, like a man, and whining about his loneliness, like a cranky toddler. Callie suggests that Sloan find himself an age-appropriate woman, and begin a mature adult relationship with her. She reasons that such a relationship will enable Sloan to, ultimately, get married and produce an army of little baby Sloans, all with excellent hair and a talent for bedding members of the opposite sex.
Sloan sets his sights on Teddy, to whom he has said maybe two words, since she has first appeared on the show.
“Well . . . you’ve f&#ked every other character on this show. I guess it’s my turn . . .”
Initially, the spunky, but highly socially awkward, Teddy literally laughs in Sloan’s face when he asks her out. However, a few choice words from Arizona cause the Cardio God to reconsider. “Mark is like candy,”Arizona offers. “You eat it and then you forget about it.” In other words . . .
Teddy takes Arizona’s advice, and tells Sloan she would like to meet him after work for drinks (and a late night game of “hide the salami”). But Teddy balks again when Sloan suggests “dinner.” After all, dinner with Sloan sounds less like a piece of candy that you suck on and forget, and more like a 16 oz. rib eye steak that’s tough to chew, full of bones, and often ends up stuck in your teeth afterward.
Not a lollipop . . .
At the episode’s conclusion, Sloan makes his third and final offer: lunch. Sloan explains he wants to date Teddy in broad daylight to make sure she is not a vampire, because he would ultimately like to get married and have lots of babies. (Yeah, I didn’t really get it either . . .)
If a man I barely knew asked me out on a first date, by babbling on about marriage and children, you know what my response would be?
But, maybe that’s just me . . . Teddy actually seemed kind of turned on by the whole thing. Go figure!
Dear Callie,
It has been a LONNNNGGGG time since I last went on a date. To give you a better idea of just how long it has been, I have enclosed a photograph of the outfit I wore on my last date:
In fact, the only person I have ever had sex with in my entire life was my ex-husband. Now I am dating this total studmuffin. Tonight is my THIRD DATE (and you know what that means . . .). Not only do I have no clue how to raise the “sex issue,” I’m also really scared of sleeping with him too soon. After all, he is leaving the show soon to star in a stupid Shondra Rhimes pilotI don’t want to get hurt. What should I do?
Very truly yours,
Frightened of Fornicating
Chandra Wilson was absolutely adorable during this episode: asking Callie to pick up condoms for her, because she was too embarrassed to do it herself, dodging Chief Shephard when he asked her about her lunchtime appointment, and freaking out at the suggestion of getting a Brazilian wax in preparation for her date (I too have had the “surgical field” conversation with my girlfriends. It happens to be quite a divisive issue among the female population.)
At the end of the episode, Bailey and Gasman have their iconic third date at his house. I loved how Gasman called Bailey out on her incessant monologues, and how she tends to use them as a defense mechanism to keep others at bay. I also thoroughly enjoyed the new couple’s sex talk. Sure, it sounded like something directly out of an After-School Special, but these two talented actors made the stilted dialogue work well. What the heck is Shondra Rhimes doing, making us fall for this man, only to steal him away, once we become truly attached to him? Shame on her!
Dear Callie,
I REALLY NEED to win the Harper Avery Award! It’s been kind of a crappy year for me. I just got back from rehab, and my new pipsqueak of a boss keeps kicking me while I’m down, and reminding me of my new lower status in the medical world. If I won the Avery Award, I could rub it in his pretty boy face. How do I get that award, dammit?
Sincerely,
Former Dr. McBoozy (Future Avery Award winner?)
I know it sounds terrible to say this, but the whole massive tumor storyline was neither particulary unique nor interesting. (The actor and actress potraying the husband and wife pair grappling with a terminal illness, did a great job, however). I’m also getting a bit tired of the constant medical one-upmanship aspect of the show.
I’d be a bit concerned if I checked into a hospital where all the doctors ever did was show off their techniques for one another and screw each other in the on-call room, instead of ummm . . . you know, trying to make me healthy? And why does every technique these doctors perform have to be “new” and “never done before.” What happened to the basics of healing?
In short, Owen’s and Richard’s fight to care for the right to operate on the massive tumor patient was lame. As was Derek’s excuse for choosing Owen’s “fly by the seat of my pants” technique for the surgery over Richard’s methodical one. What made this storyline bearable was Cristina Yang.
I love how she played these two men off of one another for her own personal gain. I also enjoyed her little dig at Dr. Hotness Jackson Avery for talking up his grandfather’s purportedly altruistic reasons for creating the award in question. “This has been a message from the Harper Avery Foundation . . .” – classic!
Also, classic was Meredith’s threatening Owen, after she caught him acting jealous of Sloan for dating Teddy, when he is SUPPOSED to be involved with Cristina. “[Christina] is part of my team,” asserted Meredith. “Hurt her and I’ll kick your ass!”
While Meredith proved herself to be a loyal friend to Cristina, she was significantly less of one to her half-sister Lexie. Big Grey merely stared at her sibling, dumbfounded, when Lexie broke down in tears in the bathroom, upon realizing that Sloan was moving on, and that she was not yet over him. Would a pat on the back have been too much to ask for?
Clearly, Meredith never owned one of these, as a child . . .
In other news, Arizona, Perky Patron of all things Pediatric, does not want children EVER, but Callie does, and that biological clock is just ticking away. I smell trouble brewing on the horizon for these two . . .
Does this mean we can’t watch Saturday morning cartoons in bed together anymore?
So what did you think of this episode? Are you happy about the prospective Teddy / Sloan coupling? Will jealousy make Owen reevaluate his feelings for Teddy and Christina? Can Bailey and Gasman possibly make it work when they are on two different television shows? How do YOU prepare your “surgical field” for date three?
Let's Go Shopping!
Buy Comeuppance!
Buy Hollywood Warlock!
Buy InGENEious!
Buy Life Sucks, Death Bites!
Buy Me and You, Inc.!
Snarky Goes to Hollywood!
The Exquisite Corpse
TV Recappers Anonymous 