KISS ME, You Viking Vamp! – A Recap of True Blood’s “I Hate You, I Love You” (a.k.a. “Me and the Devil”)

“DUDE!  Just start crying, and act like I scared you.  Trust me, it is TOTALLY going to get you laid!” 

 Howdy, Fangbangers!   The moment in the series that you’ve waited four seasons to see has finally arrived (THE SHOWER SCENE?).  It is the moment when Sookie begins to see Eric as more than just a super sexy stallion with fabulous abs, and the ability to give her mindblowing sex for six hours straight dangerous manipulative vampire who, ultimately, can’t be trusted.  Throughout the episode, we watch Sookie grow closer to Amnesia Eric (IN THE SHOWER????).   She finds herself instinctively wanting to protect him (FROM WATER THAT IS TOO HOT?), hold him tight (UP AGAINST THE WALL OF THE SHOWER?), and comfort him (BY RUBBING HIS MAN PARTS WITH SOAPY WATER?).  The “L” word is even tossed out once during the hour (LOTS OF SOAPY WATER?)

Unfortunately, this wasn’t the week for The Shower Scene . . .

But at the rate things are moving between these two, that can’t be too far away . . .  Oh, and some other stuff happened this week too.  So, I guess I’ll talk about that, as well . . .

Well . . at least we won’t have to worry about seeing Joe Lee in his underwear anymore!

R.I.P. Creepy Crotch Man and Mrs. Creepy Crotch!  We barely knew you (but we hated you, anyway)!

When we last left Tommy Boy, the REALLY ANNOYING poor kid was on his hands and knees with a chain around his neck.  (It may sound kinky, but it was actually pretty awful.)

Apparently, Ma and Pa Creepy Crotch were low on funds, and needed their Meal Ticket son to start dog fighting for them again.  But the Creepy Crotches made one fatal mistake:  NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A HORMONAL TEENAGE BOY WHO CAN TURN INTO A PITBULL, AT WILL!

“Just because I’m not old enough to vote, doesn’t mean I can’t chew your face like a doggy biscuit.”

Soon enough, Tommy gets the upper hand in this fight.  Within minutes, he has somehow managed to remove the chains from his neck, and put them around JOE LEE!  Now, I must say, while I’m happy with the ultimate outcome (Those Creepy Crotches HAD TO GO!), I am a little disappointed with this so-called “Big Epic Fight Scene.”  I mean . . . think about it . .  .here we have THREE SHAPESHIFTERS at battle with one another.  So, already the ten-year old in my head is coming up with all sorts of potential animal matchups . . . like a game of Shifter Rock, Paper, Scissor.  (Now, if Tommy becomes a Bear . . . and  Joe Lee a Tiger . . . and Mama Mickens a Lion, who will win?)

(The BEAR . . . obviously!) 

But I guess Alan Ball and Co. decided not to do that, since it would make Tommy’s ultimate murder of his parents (He whacked them both on the head with a metal pipe, in a clear gesture of self-defense), less “poignant” and “meaningful.”  Whatever . . . I just really wanted to see a Boxing Bear!

Of course, as we know, when it comes to Tommy, when the going gets tough, the tough whine to Sam.  So, off drives our anti-hero (with his dead parental units rotting away in the back seat of a stolen truck) to Sam’s house.  As douchey as Sam can be sometimes, he looks way better with his shirt off than Joe Lee he truly loves his brother, and can’t bear to see him waste away in jail, especially for doing something that, in all honesty, will probably make the world a better place with less ugly naked people in it.  So, when Tommy barges into Sam’s bedroom crying about the “little accident” he had, Sam vows to help him cover up his crimes . . .

“I have something important to ask you, Tommy.  So, please, be honest.  I look better without my shirt on than Joe Lee looks, right?  RIGHT?” 

Sam’s and Tommy’s Escape Plan hits a bit of a road block, when Sam’s truck gets pulled over by Sheriff V Addict, Andy Bellefleur . . .

Tommy contemplates turning himself in to Andy.  However, surprisingly enough, it’s Closet Bad Ass Sam’s idea that he hide in the trunk with his parents’ corpses instead.  (Talk about a Parent – Child Bonding Moment).  Despite Sam’s vigorous protests, Andy seems insistent on searching Sam’s trunk (probably because he thinks there might be V in there).  However, when Andy opens the door to search, he is greeted by . . . a crocodile . . . or is it an alligator . . . I can never tell the difference.

Andy understandably freaks out.  And after Sam makes some lame excuse about wanting to “return the animal to the wild,”  Sheriff V-Addict is more than happy to go back to his car and do some more drugs.  Once again, I was a tad disappointed by the “Shifter Choice” here.   I would have REALLY liked to see Tommy turn into a PIG, if only so that I could hear Andy scream THIS again . . .

Interestingly enough, Sam’s lie about returning the alligator to the wild, has some truth to it, since a nearby lake is precisely where the brothers bury Ma and Pa Creepy Crotch’s bodies.  When they don’t sink right away, Sam tosses a handful of marshmallows in the water near the bodies, because, apparently, crocs/ alligators like marshmallows.  (So much, for Ma and Pa Creepy Crotch coming back as vampires in Season 5.  Zombies, maybe?)  This is great, since now I know what to buy my pet Crocodile for a snack.  Thanks True Blood!

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Tommy is kind of turned on impressed by how good Sam is at covering up murders.  So, by way of explanation, Sam clues Tommy in on his OWN double homicide of Lexi and Elijah from The Vampire Diaries his con artist ex girlfriend and her slimeball boyfriend.

Is it a bad sign, that I actually think this is the sexiest picture of Sam Trammell I have in my arsenal?  Oddly enough, when he’s NOT bat shit crazy and shooting people, he just doesn’t “do it” for me . . .

There’s nothing like swapping murder stories, and burying corpses, when it comes to bonding brothers together.  I suspect that this is the beginning of a beautiful BROMANCE  . . .

Well, at least until Tommy inevitably turns into a Skinwalker, as a result of killing his parents  . . .

So . .  . yeah . . . for the past two seasons, I’ve found the Sam and Tommy storyline INCREDIBLY lame.  However, as I’ve mentioned in other recaps, I think the Skinwalker concept has the potential to be VERY COOL, if done correctly.  And, while I would rather, SAM have the power than Tommy, I suspect the latter will find more “creative” uses for it than Sam ever could .  . .

That will teach you to have sex in front of your Evil Baby . . .

“Man . . .  PTSD . . . Serial Killers . . . Maenad Possession . . . Evil Babies.  Life was so much easier when I was on Gilmore Girls and dating that Lane chick . . .”

Is it just me, or did Arlene seem to handle the “Message from the Great Beyond” on her living room wall WAY better than she handled Evil Baby pulling the heads off the Barbie dolls or giving her Pink Eye . . .

“Clearly, Mommy appreciates my mad artistic skills!”

In fact, Arlene actually seemed a bit relieved that (1) her husband no longer thinks she’s a TOTAL nutbar; and (2) since the message referred to the “Baby” in the third person, said Baby probably didn’t write the message.  Awwww, Silly Arlene!  Hasn’t she ever met those annoying people who always refer to themselves BY NAME when they talk?  Can’t Evil Baby be one of them?

No matter.  Suddenly, Arlene is clutching her Devil Spawn to her chest, and telling Terry that the Big Bad Scary Ghost Graffitti artist better not harm her sweet child, or she will just scream a it REALLY LOUD, using that grating voice of hers . .  .

Interestingly enough, it’s actually Terry who’s idea it is to hire the Local Exorcists to come and chase the Evil away . . .  Said Local Exorcists end up being none other than Tara’s Terrible Mama, Skunk Head Lettie Mae . . .

Did an animal die on your head, or is your Ugly Ass Wig just really happy to see me?

 . . . and the Reverend she started boning last season . . .

As far as Demon Hunters go, Lettie and the Rev are pretty underwhelming.  Apparently, their idea of exorcising demons is singing folk songs and throwing salt around the house.  That’s all?  I wanted screaming, and chanting, and funny dances around the room!  Honestly, Terry and Arlene should have hired Marnie and the witches, or that (now dead) pharmacy worker who took $800 dollars from Tara to “cure her and her mom’s” EVILNESS.  At least THOSE GUYS would have put on a show!

I think my favorite part of the scene was when Arlene inappropriately told Lettie Mae how grateful she was that “you people” could do something like this for her.  (Because, apparently it isn’t a True Blood episode, if Arlene isn’t saying something RACIST.)  Seeing Lettie Mae’s furious response to her inquiry, Arlene quickly tried to cover up, by claiming she was merely referring to them being “very black religious.”  However, Lettie Mae was not fooled, and probably left one or two demons in Arlene’s house, just out of spite . . .

This, of course, brings me to later that night, when Arlene and Terry are SO HAPPY that their house is “free of demons” that they decide to SCREW IN BED, with their Evil Baby taking notes “sleeping” just a few inches away . . .

“What can I say, I’m an exhibitionist!” 

Arlene and Terry just seem SO THRILLED and relieved about their new demon-free home, that you just KNOW Evil Baby is going to do something to piss on their parade.  And PISS, he does . . .

Nope, that’s not the “Passion of Your Love” you smell burning, folks.  It’s your roof . . . 

The Ancestor F*&ker Strikes Again . . .

Bill must be better in the sack than I thought, if his great, great, great, great granddaughter is STILL willing to screw his brains out, despite it being TOTALLY NAUSEATING that they did it in the first place.  I have to say, it smells SUPER a smidge desperate, not to mention sad, when Portia barges into La Casa de Bill and, using her admittedly admirable legal research skills, begins providing Bill with an ORAL (no pun intended) report in support of incest.  (Honey, what you are doing may not be illegal, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t REALLY, REALLY gross!)

Unable to get his “grandchild” to listen to reason, Bill resorts to compulsion, glamouring  Portia, not only to NOT be sexually attracted to him, but to be so repulsed by the New King of Louisiana that the mere sight of him makes her want to scream . . .

And SCREAM Portia does, as she dashes from the house like a Bat Out of Grandpa F*&ker Hell . . .

“Was it something I said?” 

Speaking of victims of unwanted sexual advances by inbreds . . .

Good Gravy, HOYT!

Best . . . GIF . . . EVER! 

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When we last left Jason, he had successfully escaped Crystal and those inbred freaks from Hotshot, and was being rescued, by his best pal, and his best pal’s modelesque vampire girlfriend, who fed him blood to heal his wounds.  The pair drove him back to his house, where Jessica, who’s surprisingly maternal, I might add, gently deposited our Sexy Shirtless Martyr onto a bed that thankfully did not include handcuffs, ceremonial face mud, or 14-year old girls wanting to get de-flowered . . .

Hoyt is so proud of his girlfriend for her Mad Healing Skills, that  he is literally holding on to his heart.  Mr. “I Don’t Need That Sh*t” has finally come to appreciate the wonders of drinking vampire blood.  And, to celebrate, he would like very much to get laid . . .

Unfortunately, Jess’s crushing guilt over glamouring Hoyt to forget her recent infidelities has put a major damper on her sex buzz.

Sorry Hoyt! 

Hoyt senses Jess’s discomfort and wonders whether she killed another trucker.  Oddly enough, Hoyt’s guess is not that far from the truth, since Jess’s Trucker Murder started out being kind of sexual too!  Hoyt is just confused as to who drank who’s blood is all!  When Jess offers to take Hoyt home with her, he pouts, and opts to stay at Jason’s.  (Perhaps, he thinks he will have a better chance getting laid by Ghost Daddy, than by his own girlfriend.)

The next day at Merlottes, Jason fills Hoyt in on the horror that is a Werepanther Gang Bang . . .

Unfortunately for Jason, Hoyt’s been so hard up for sex lately that it doesn’t sound all that bad to him!  As a result, Jason doesn’t quite get the sympathy he is seeking.  He does, however, experience an epiphany of sorts, something akin to his religious conversion of Season 2, only MUCH FUNNIER!  Jason recognizes something we’ve known about him all along Alan Ballthe Lord is punishing him for HAVING SO MUCH SEX.

Remember Jason’s priapism . . . his addiction to V . . . that time when all his girlfriends kept getting killed, and the town thought he was a serial killer?  Every bad thing that ever happened to Jason in True Blood history could really be traced back to one thing SEX ADDICTION . . .

You may be addicted to sex, Jason Stackhouse.  But WE are addicted to WATCHING YOU HAVE IT! 

My favorite part of the scene had to be when Jason impersonated the Lord himself, who is clearly smiting him, for being such a slut:  “Jason Stackhouse, you have f*&ked too many hot women . . . see how you like it now,” mimicked Jason, in his best God Voice.  Oh, also, Jason, apparently calls Hoyt “Bubba.”  How adorable is that?

Speaking of Bubba TOTALLY kept interrupting Jason’s “Sex is Bad” story to complain about the “distance between him and Jess.”  HELLO!  Hoyt!  Gangbanging Torture versus Little Lovers Quarrel?  NO CONTEST!

There’s a Full Moon out in Bon Temps tonight, so we know that Jason is headed for some Big Trouble.  But, for now, the Lord takes pity on Jason, and gives him a V-induced sex dream .  . .

 HEY!  Where did your Gang Bang Scars GO, Ghost Daddy?  This MUST be a dream!

My FAVORITE sex dreams of ALL TIME are the ones where you know that you are dreaming, and, therefore, have free reign to make things as AWESOME as you want them to be.  They happen rarely, but when they do happen, they ROCK!  Jason gets to have one of those dreams, this week.  And Dream Jess starts riding him, like he’s a mechanical bull at a Honky Tonk bar . . . but not before admitting to him that he is, in fact, dreaming.  This way, he doesn’t have to feel like he’s screwing over his best friend.  EVERYBODY WINS!

Ride em’ Cowgirl! 

But then Dream Jess starts talking about what sex positions Hoyt prefers DURING the act.  And I don’t care how hot you are, that’s a SERIOUS SEX NO, NO!  What’s worse, Dream Jess starts SHOUTING OUT HOYT’S NAME while she “O’s.”  And THAT’S when things start getting REALLY weird . . .

“Oh HOYT!” 

Good Gravy, INDEED!  Poor Jason!  He can’t even have an innocent sex dream without being punished by the Man Upstairs for doing so.  Then again, who knows?  Maybe he LIKES having sex with Hoyt . . .

Free Agency – It’s Not Just for Athletes Anymore

We had this one seemingly completely random Alcide scene this week, in which some strange long-haired guy comes to his house in the middle of the night (Hey Alcide!  What’s with the tank top?  Why the hell don’t you sleep shirtless?  What’s the matter? You don’t love us anymore?), claiming to be the Werewolf Packmaster of Shreveport.  Packmaster Marcus is, apparently, very intent on Alcide joining his little wolf club.  But Alcide assures “Marcus” that he’s a LONE WOLF / FREE AGENT, and has no interest in running in this greasy-haired guy’s pack.

YOU GO ALCIDE!  I can almost forgive you for keeping your shirt on . . . almost.

Ahhh . . . much better! 

Book readers will agree that Alcide’s “lone wolf” status is a fairly significant departure from the series.  And I can’t help but wonder how it will affect future storylines.

As for Marcus, those of you who saw the promos for later episodes in the season, will undoubtedly recognize him as Luna’s CRAZY EX BOYFRIEND.  So, it seems that Alcide’s storyline will probably cross path’s with Sam’s at some point, for better or worse . . .

Over the River and Through the Woods, to Grandpa Goat Killer’s House, We GO!

After Marnie made Pam’s face fall off last week, my Laffy Taffy, Lala, had some choice words to say to her.  “Hooker, you pissed off another vampire, and then took a nap!”  He exclaims, when Witchiepoo (as Laffy calls her . . . and I will now call her, for the rest of her time on the show), wakes up wondering what went down . . .

“I have a killer headache.  Being possessed is EXHAUSTING!” 

When Witchiepoo explains that she had been possessed by someone who was “trying to protect them,”  Lala thinks she’s full of crap, and leads Laffy and Tara out of the forest, and away from the Crazy!

“Don’t leave now!  The party is just getting started.  I brought TWISTER!” 

Jesus somehow gets in his head the brilliant (read “ridiculous”) idea that his old mean grandpa in New Orleans can help them defeat the vampires.  Jesus believes this to be true, because when he was a little kid, his grandfather made him stab his pet goat and lick the knife.

Ummm . . . OK? 

The sex with Jesus must be really good, because Lala actually AGREES to go on this little roadtrip with his boyfriend to visit this Old Fart Animal Abuser.  When they arrive, Old Fart claims that he was expecting them.  Sure you were Grandpa . . . sure you were . . .

And now, for the juicy stuff . . .

“I Dream of Sookie”

“And I dream of Amnesia Eric!” 

Peeping Toms are generally creepy . . . unless they look like Alexander Skarsgar, in which case, they are AWESOME!

We watch Amnesia Eric ogling Sookie’s sleeping form for a few moments, until Godric (He Never REALLY dies, does he?) appears out of nowhere, and starts stroking our Viking Vamp in an extremely homoerotic fashion . . .

“Awww!  Amnesia Eric, you are SO CUTE!  I just want to pinch your little cheeks!” 

In distinctly un-Godric-like fashion,  Yoda Vamp instructs Eric that his true nature leaves him incapable of love.  Amnesia Eric argues that Sookie can redeem him.  Yoda Vamp says, “NAHHHH!”  So, really, as far as he is concerned, Amnesia Eric just just embrace his true nature, and Eat Sookie . . .

SUCKY , SUCKY! 

And walk into the sunlight with Godric . . .

The image of himself making Sookie scream (just wait until the SHOWER SCENE) upsets Eric so much that he wakes up with a start . . .

That’s it!  No more Fairy drinking before bedtime!

A horny  scared Amnesia Eric rushes into Sookie’s bed, in desperate need of cuddles from his Very Bad Dream  . . .

“I just want to be close to you, Sookie!  That’s why I’m going to rub my head on your “flower.” 

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A completely guileless Amnesia Eric explains his dream to Sookie.  And she, in turn, tells Eric what a nice DUDE Godric was.  And how, in real life, he’d be TOTALLY cool with this Eric’s new discovery of his “sensitive side.”  Wearing her little cupid shirt, Sookie strokes Eric’s hair like a mom comforting a little kid, but the hungry way she’s looking at him, tells another story, entirely.

Amnesia Eric seems particularly perturbed this week by what a Sex on a Stick  complete asshat he was capable of being, during his “Old Life.”  He wants to know if he used to be evil.  And Sookie kindly explains that, while he certainly wasn’t Ghandi, he wasn’t the Maenad, either.

“Silly Amnesia Eric . . . Ghandi could never those abs!   (Wait a minute, wouldn’t AMNESIA make him forget who Ghandi was?)

This prompts Amnesia Eric to inquire as to whether he can spend the rest of he evening in Sookie’s bed.

AWWWW YEAH!

Clearly, wanting a little more Viking in her, Sookie agrees, provided that Amnesia Boy keep his hands and his fangs to himself.  “I would never hurt anything as beautiul as you,” whispers Eric, as he cleverly pulls Sookie in for a tight affectionate spooning session.  (So much, for keeping his hands to himself!)

 

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“Hey Sookie, squeeze my nipples!”  Firm, aren’t they?  Before I got amnesia, I used to work out!”

“When my Grams tells me to run, I RUN!  (She DIDN’T.  And look what happened to her!)

Wanting to get to the bottom of this Amnesia Eric Thing once and for all (though, to be honest, I can’t imagine why . . . not with all the great sex she’s about to have), Sookie mindreads Witchy Waitress Holly to find out where Marnie, a.k.a. the Witch Who Made Eric Adorable and Pam . . . Not So Much keeps her shop.  At first, Marnie is hesitant of helping Sookie.  But, for whatever reason, when the Fairy Waitress explains that her favorite shows growing up were Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Charmed she decides to oblige . . .

What about BUFFY, Sookie?  You mean, you weren’t a Vampire Slayer fan? 

I actually really enjoy when Sookie puts on her “sweet country girl” act, in order to do investigative work.  For one thing, it tends to make her voice and accent A LOT less shrill.  For another, this was something that Book Sookie used to do all the time.  So, it’s nice to see that aspect of the stories played out so well, by Anna P . . .

At first, it seems pretty obvious that, without her Moon Goddess Possessor, Marnie is nothing more than fraudulent, no-talent hack.  She starts grasping at straws with Sookie, as most mind readers are wont to do.  But, of course, Sookie’s Fiesty Dead Nana sees an opportunity, and decides to take it . . .

“I’m BAAACK!” 

Grams proceed to give Sookie three important pieces of advice.  Two I liked VERY MUCH.  One . . . I didn’t AT ALL!  Let’s see if you can guess, which one . . . Granny says:

(1)  Watch out for your brother he’s on the run from some Inbred Sex Fiends, and at serious risk for sprouting hair in some VERY unattractive places . . .

“Save me, Sookie . . . from my overused weiner, and from myself!”

2) Don’t give your heart to Vampire Eric.  His amnesia is only temporary .  . .

And, finally . . .

(3) RUN FROM THAT CRAZY B*TCH, MARNIE!

And run is exactly what Sookie decides to do, right out that door and into Amnesia Eric’s pants.

Now, for the part you’ve all been waiting for . . .

Nothing Like the Taste of Vampire Tongue in the Evening . . .

Back at Sookie’s house, her and Tara share a little bonding sesh, in which Tara finally admits to being a Cage Fighting Lezzy, who’s girlfriend just found out that she lied about her name, when she received her Social Security checks.

(OK.  . . explain this to me.  Why is Tara getting Social Security checks, again?  If it’s due to her age, she sure looks great for sixty-something!)

Shrink Sookie comforts Tara, just as she did with Amnesia Eric a few hours earlier.  (WOAH!  What’s with Sookie being all nice, wise, and advice-giving, all of the sudden.  It’s weird . . . Maybe she has amnesia too!)

Sorry, honey!  I just tell it like it is . . . 

Sookie instructs Tara to fight to win back her girlfriend, and to always be honest.  But Tara doesn’t exactly take to these Hallmark card statements.  She cleverly wonders whether Sookie could ever forgive Bill for lying to her.   (NO WAY!  HELL NO!  DON’T DO IT, SOOKIE!  Not when you have a REAL MAN around the house . . .)  Of course, Sookie pragmatically sidesteps the question.  But, when she realizes that it’s almost vampire wakeup time, she quickly and rudely kicks Tara out so that she can get down to having Shower Sex with Amnesia Eric.

Unfortunately for Sookie, however, this wakeup call came too late . . .

“Hey Tara, would you mind berating me, for a little while, I’m REALLY trying to close the deal with Sookie.  And she seems to really dig my weepy vulnerable side . . .  Just don’t make fun of my hair, OK?”

Oh, Tara!  I was actually starting to LIKE you, this season.  But I should have known that you’d be back to your self-righteous b*tchy self, before long.  When Eric emerges, Tara holds a gun at him.  And he bares his fangs at her.  (BITE HER, ERIC!  BITE HER!  SUCK HER DRY!)  Despie having become quite the pathological liar herself, of late, Tara is FURIOUS with Sookie for laying all this B.S. on her about honesty, while she was secretly harboring a Viking Vampire in her pants bed.

Tara then proceeds to helpfully recap EVERY SINGLE BAD THING Eric ever did on the show, since Episode 1 (undoubtedly saving many new fans from having to buy the DVD, in the process).  Meanwhile, Eric looks on shocked and horrified.  And Sookie just wants her friend to shut the heck up.  Finally, Tara leaves . . .

And it’s time for my FAVORITE Seric moment of the evening.

With Tara finally gone, a tearful Amnesia Eric wonders whether everything she said about him is true.

Sookie, of course, can’t deny it.  So, instead, she tries to bolster Amnesia Eric’s shaken confidence by telling him what a big weiner he has.  How capable of decency and genuine change he his, and how kind.  She also tells him that she likes him . . . just the way he is, which, of course, reminds me of a SIMILARLY AWESOME scene on ANOTHER vampire show . . .

The parallels between Sookie and Eric’s first “Sookie-initiated” kiss, and Damon and Elena’s first “Elena-initiated” one, are actually quite striking.  And if I didn’t only have one hour left to finish this recap, I’m sure I would bore you to tears with them.  So, be thankful I’m in a bit o a rush.

Anywhoo . . . unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) Sookie’s incessant complimenting of Eric DOESN’T make him feel better at all.  Or, perhaps it does, but he instinctively knows, if he plays his cards right, he can get MUCH more.  So, a dejected Eric trudges out into the darkness alone.  “There is a light in you that is so beautiful, I couldn’t bare it if I snuffed it out,” he says solemnly, as he’s leaving.  All together now:  AWWWW!

“Oh, come on, Sookie!  You’re not REALLY going to let me leave, after a line like that . . . are you?” 

So, out of the house runs Sookie, doing her best Fairy Godmother impersonation . . .

“Get in my panties, you Big Burly Hunk of Man Meat!”

Eric rushes into Sookie’s arms, and they share a sweet innocent embrace, that gradually loses its innocence . . .

Once those two started embracing like that, I had a feeling SOMETHING was going to happen.  But I figured it would have to be Eric who initiated it.  What ACTUALLY happened was MUCH better . . .

“Mmmm .  . . your ear smells good.  Let me taste it.” 

“Mmmm delicious . . . I wonder if your tongue tastes the same way . . .”

You know, a few book fans expressed some annoyance here about the Seric coupling storyline moving too slow, or at least, significantly slower than it did in the book.  But I actually felt like Sookie and Eric’s progression from sexually charged-antagonists . . . to unlikely roommates . . . to mutual protectors . . . to lovers came across as very natural the way it was done here.  Particularly, in this episode, you could see Sookie’s feelings for Eric begin to grow and change.  I think the clincher moment for her, was when Marnie asked Sookie if she was newly in love, and she blushed, as if the thought had never occurred to her  . . . but then seemed to realize, at least subconsciously, that she WAS.

And of course, this wouldn’t be a recap of MINE without a sexy MAKEOUT GIF for you to enjoy, would it?

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So, OF COURSE, Cockblock Bill has to screw this up, right?

“You F*&k with my Face, it’s Time to DIE!” 

Poor Pam!  She sure looked hideous with her falling off face, and creepy veil, didn’t she?  “Just what the world needs, more beekeepers,” Bill snarked, when his adversary’s maker threw herself at his mercy.  Pam was out for blood, thinking that Marnie deserved to die for her crimes against memory and pretty faces.  But Bill, of course, didn’t agree (LAME!).  He instead decides to bring Marnie in for questioning, using his Wiccan Mole, Katie, to catch her by surprise . . .

In jail, Marnie has another flashback, care of the CHICK WHO’S possessing her.  It involves said witch praying with a bunch of other witches in her jail cell, when a bunch of priests and assorted religious figures, enter the room, and proceed to vamp out and eat her friends . . .

(Maybe it’s the naughty girl in me, but I kind of love the idea of Vampire Priests . . . almost as much as I love Bill’s suggestion that there are currently vampires working for Fox News.  It actually explains a lot. ;))

King Bill interrogates the jailed Marnie, first over the loudspeaker, and then by glamouring her in her jail cell.  (COME ON, WITCH POSSESSOR!  You gave Eric amnesia . . . you took off Pam’s face . . . and Bill gets NOTHING?  Have you no decency?)

There he is, Marnie!  Make his weiner fall off! 

(Come on!  You know you want to do it!)

Unfortunately, both methods of interrogation yield the same result.  Marnie genuinely seems to “lose time” when possessed, and therefore, genuinely has NO CLUE how to undo all the havoc she has wreaked.  Pam is going to be PISSED!

King Bill calls a meeting of all the remaining Sheriffs in Louisiana (Eric is obviously too busy screwing Sookie to attend.).  He warns them of the danger of witches.  One Sheriff thinks witches are silly.  King Bill does NOT APPROVE . . .

I must say, I was rather impressed by the diversity of the Sheriffs in this decidely Red State.  Let’s see . . . We have a Blond GOD . . .

“At your service.” 

A fairly hot teenager-looking dude . . .

 . . . a woman who looks like she belongs on CNN as a news anchor (or, perhaps, at a Biker Bar  . . . take your pick) . . .

 . . . and a guy who is destined to play the Evil Pharoah in remake of The Ten Commandments (or Jafar in the live-action version of Aladdin) . . .

This last sheriff is arguably the most important, since he appeared in the Marnie Flashback, and knows first-hand the damage that witches can do.

Looks different with HAIR . . . 

Out of all the sheriffs, he seems to be the only one willing to kill Marnie (and as we see from the promos for the final half of the season, he doesn’t do a very good job).  Eventually, the stress of the situation gets the best of Pam, and she starts monologuing about how important it is for the sheriffs to band together and KILL THE B*TCH!  “She gave Eric amnesia!”  Pam accidentally lets slip.

Now Bill knows Pam has been hiding something, as this is the first he’s heard of this information . . .

“I’m so MAD AT YOU, I COULD JUST EAT OFF THE REST OF YOUR NASTY FACE!” 

Without much coaxing at all, Bill is able to elicit from Pam some even more pertinent information . . . that Amnesia Eric is f*&king hiding at Sookies . . .

OH PAM!  WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?  We’ve always been buds, and all.  But I SWEAR, if you sick Bill on Amnesia Eric, and prevent me from getting my Shower Scene, I WILL CUT YOU!  Just sayin . . .

And that’s all I’ve got for this week’s True Blood installment.  Well . . . almost ALL . .  Before I go, I’d like to leave you with a few parting gifts . . .

(1) A link to fabulous fansite where I collect most (if not all) of the spectacular screencaps you see here . . .

(2) A link to a place where you can view, in its entirety, the juicy spoilery True Blood panel from this year’s Comic Con

(3) And finally, the most tantalizing trailer in True Blood history . . .

Have a Fangtastic week, everyone!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Eric Northman Wants YOU (to Come and Play With Him) – A Recap of True Blood’s “I’m Alive and On Fire”

Dear Mom,

                       Please buy me an underwater camera for my birthday.

         Hugs and Kisses,

        TV Recapper

Hey there, Fangbangers!  Welcome to another installment of the “I Drooled Over Amnesia Eric So Much that I Forgot Nearly Everything Else that Happened in this Episode” Recap Show (Well . . . except for what happened to Pam.  I wish I could have amnesia for what happened to Pam.  That was GROSS!).  But, truthfully, we learned a lot from this week’s True Blood!  Like, for example, what happens to a vampire, after he’s eaten the WHOLE fairy . . . 

Fairy Goggles . . .

 . . . and how to stake a trailer trash werepanther in the forest, while standing on a tree top (because you never know when a skill like that could come in handy) . . . 

 Thank you, Jason’s Hot Back, for remaining free of scary werepanther bites, and nasty sex scars, against all odds . . .

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We also learned why you shouldn’t leave out markers for your Demon Baby . . .

 Nice penmanship, Evil Spawn!

. . . and, most importantly, we learned HOW TO READ!

So, what are we waiting for?  Let’s start LEARNING! 🙂

(By the way, special thanks to THIS SPECTACULAR SITE, for the majority of the fabulous screencaps you see here.  The less-than-fabulous ones, I made myself. :))

This Butt’s for YOU!

Amnesia Eric thinks Sookie has had a real stick up her butt, lately.  So, he generously decides to extract it for her . . .

When we last left Amnesia Eric, he was chowing down on some sweet Fairy Surprise . . .

 (As in, “SURPRISE!  You’re dead now . . .)

Now Claudine is nothing more than a tasty memory.  But her fairy dust remains, and it’s starting to tickle Eric’s brain .  . .

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First, he falls, face first, to the floor.  But then, he quickly recovers, and starts weaving toward Sookie, with a goofy smile on his face, and blood smeared across his chin, like a very messy baby . . .

“I want MORRRRRRRRE!”  He slurs contentedly.

As per usual, Sookie treats Eric like a disobedient child.  SPANK HIM, SOOKIE!  SPANK HIM!  “No!  You ate the WHOLE Fairy,” she tells him, frustratedly.  “And now you have to go to your room!”

(I love how Sookie doesn’t shed so much as one tear over the untimely demise of her Fairy Godmother.  Because, you know, if this was Cinderella, she would be bawling her eyes out .  . .)

“Damn Straight!”

Eric doesn’t want to go to his room.  He wants to eat Sookie.   And he tells her so, as he leans in close, and seductively whispers in her ear.  (See?  Even completely wasted, Amnesia Eric knows how to score with the ladies.)

“No!”  Sookie exclaims.  (She says “No” this week, almost as much as Eric said “Sorry,” last week)  “You’ll kill ME!”

I loved Eric’s shocked and saddened facial expression here, as he contemplates the notion of murdering his lover.  “I would never hurt you,” he explains earnestly.

But my favorite part of the scene  HAS to be, when Eric REFUSES to go inside (even though it is almost dawn) and gleefully pinches Sookie’s ass TWICE, before running away at vampire speed . . .

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Currently experiencing Ass Envy . . . 😦

Meanwhile, over at Fangtasia . . .

“Take this Crown, and Shove it . . . Your Heiny Highness . . .”

“You, stay away from MY Maker, you mean old Ancestor F*&ker!”

Eager to clean up the evidence of his little Sending Eric off to Be Killed by Witches Scheme, Bill visits Pam at Fangtasia, demanding that she inform him of Eric’s current whereabouts.  Pam kindly reminds Bill what a ruthless slimy crown-wearing douchebag he’s always been become, and then innocently claims that she has no clue where Eric is hiding.

Bill pouts, and says something like this:

So, Pam laughs in his face, and goes back to her job of being awesome and wearing kickass clothes . . .

But over in Rape Town I HATE THIS PLOT, AND AM SOOO GLAD MY JASON BABY FINALLY ESCAPED FROM IT! . . .

“I Want Candy.”

“Awww man, I really hope my Daddy doesn’t watch True Blood . . .”

For about the third episode in a row, Poor Shirtless Gory Jason is being ridden like a pony, by some trailer trash chick.  This girl looks particularly familiar.  I wish I had a screencap of her to show you.  But I think that she’s the same girl who jumped Jason in the police station, back during the Maenad Possession of Season 2.  If someone could confirm this for me, I would be oh so grateful . . .

“And I would be OH SO GRATEFUL, if you got on with this part of the recap, so I could escape this Hell Hole, and go back to being the Sexy, but Dimwitted, Comic Relief, already . . .”

(Sorry Jason! I’m on my way . . .)

So, that first girl, who may or may not have humped Jason back in Season 2, starts crying, because, even though Jason is tied up, and can’t exactly “reciprocate the love,” he still remains the best sexual partner she has ever had.  (Well, I guess when you screw your relatives all the time, things are bound to get a little yucky.  Isn’t that right, Bill Compton?)

The Old Dude from Hotshot sends in the next “candidate.”  She can’t be more than 13-years old . . .

“Breed, Ghost Daddy, Breed!”  Old Dude instructs Jason, before leaving these two to “do their thing.”

The pre-pubescent has learned well from her fellow trailer trash extras from the movie Deliverance, and promptly threatens to cut Jason’s manhood off, if he doesn’t lay there inert, while she, essentially takes her own virginity from herself.

Fortunately, Jason is eventually able to get through to the young girl, by telling her that her first time should be special.  Specifically, Jason explains that the first man Little Girl screws should be a guy who buys her stuff like candy.  (Of course, judging by Jason’s last sexual encounter’s assessment of the “eligible bachelor’s in hotshot,” this is a TOTAL LIE!  If Little Girl stays in Hot Shot, Jason Stackhouse will undoubtedly remain the Best Sex She’s Never Had.  (Join the club, Honey!)

Nevertheless, Little Girl eventually loosens Jason’s cuffs, allowing him to FINALLY ESCAPE THIS MISERABLE STORYLINE . . .

 . . . at least, for now . . .

Bad Dreams, and Puritanettes, Who Needed a Good Lay . . .

“So, let me get this straight . . . you set Eric up to get amnesia, so that he could seduce Sookie with his innocent, sweet, loveable ways?   Thank you!  This is, by far, the kindest thing you’ve done for fans, since that time you got kidnapped, and weren’t around for a couple of episodes.“

“I think I just pooped in my pants.”

Unable to find Eric himself, Bill is forced to call Vampire League Leader Nan, with his tail between his legs, and inform her of the teensy weensy mistake he made.  Nan is undoubtedly beginning to wonder why she hired such an imbecile to be king.  Furthermore, she doesn’t think witches are supernatural adversaries worthy of as much man power as Bill has been using to combat them.  She helpfully explains to us that during the Salem Witch Trial, witches were easily brought down by a bunch of Uptight Puritanettes, Who Needed to Get Laid.  (Who knew?  Aside from Arthur Miller, of course.)

Apparently, both Nan and Pam shop at S&M-Loving Vampire B*tches R’ Us . . .

Nan demands that Bill find Eric and bring him back, without spilling any human (or witch) blood . . .  Ummm .  . . yeah, good luck with that, Mister Beeeel . . .

Speaking of witch trials, Marnie is having a bad dream about the chick who occasionally possesses her body.  In the dream, she is being burned at the stake . . .

“Psst . . . you, down there.  Got a hairbrush?  I’d really hate for my charred corpse to have bedhead.”

“AHHHHHH! Anything but bedhead!”

In the dream, the witch starts chanting curses in Latin against the men who are burning her.  The  writers of the show helpfully translate these for us, in subtitles at the bottom of the screen.  (See above.)  Then Aunt Petunia Marnie, who doesn’t know a LICK of Latin, in her natural, unpossessed state, starts chanting along with the witch, before she waking up in bed, in a cold sweat, and undoubtedly wondering if Harry Potter is still in his bedroom under the stairs . . .

Shirtless Men Fighting Over Sookie (AGAIN)

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Sookie, once again, heads to Alcide’s house in hopes of having some hot doggy style sex, and requests his help in finding the Missing Eric.  Alcide wastes no time unzipping his pants and dropping trou for Sookie . . .

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Then the Lord made Alcide.  And he was GOOOOOD!

Once he has taken a nice long whiff of Eric’s scent, Alcide shifts into that cute little white wolf thing, and dashes off to find Eric.  He eventually locates him in a nearby lake . . .

DOGGY LIKE!

“Who has two hands, and likes to have sex underwater?  THIS GUY!”

Eric goofs around, in the water for a while, loving life, and soaking up the sun.  But when Alcide shifts back to his gorgeous shirtless glory, Eric promptly enters into a pissing contest with him, the unspoken prize being a First Class Trip inside Sookie’s panties . . .

Unfortunately, for Eric, he’s at a bit of a disadvantage, being allergic to the sun and all.  (He has only been able to last this long, as a result of the fairy blood he recently ingested.)  When Eric starts to feel the painful effects of Vampire Sun Exposure, Sookie mothers him, by calling him out of the water, and wrapping his body in her legs a big red blanket.

Papa Alcide then graciously helps Sookie get Eric home . . .

Elsewhere in the forest . .  .

Survivor  – Bon Temps: Jason Stackhouse Edition

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(And coming from the guy who was once thrown in jail on suspicion of being a serial killer . . . that’s saying a lot, CRYSTAL!)

While on the run, Jason rewards us for putting up with this Terrible Gang Bang Storyline, by promptly ripping off his shirt, and positioning his body in all sorts of attractive ways, that hide his unsightly sex bruises . . .

YEAH BABY!

Meanwhile, back in Trailer Trash Town, the Evil Felton has sneakily surmised that Little Girl is still a virgin.

This scene was SO wrong, on SO many levels . . .

Felton then rushes into Jason’s room, and learns that his Ghost Daddy has flown the coop, and tied up Old Dude to boot (maybe they could use him as a replacement “stud.”)

So, Felton rips off his shirt (of course) . . .

You know, if he wasn’t EVIL, and he didn’t come from such a garbage dump of a gene pool, Felton could actually be considered kind of hot!

 . . . turns into a panther . . .

. . . and heads off in pursuit of Jason, a.k.a. the Community Vibrator.  Now, while I do give kudos to the production department for fixing the cheesy werepanther image of Season 3, and making it much more realistic, I MUST gripe about the “panther sounds.”  These were just plain annoying! 

Throughout the scene, every two minutes, without fail, the panther would make a sound . . . the EXACT SAME SOUND . . . EVERY . . . SINGLE . . . TIME.  The sound guys didn’t bother to change the cadence, or the pitch, or ANYTHING. As a result, Felton’s werepanther growl sounded less like something you would hear in the jungle, and MORE like something you’d hear at a football game, before they brought out the mascot.  Just sayin’ . . .

Now, Jason isn’t a guy who known for his exemplary education, but, apparently, he’s at least read Lord of the Flies, since he knows enough, even in his weakened state, to sharpen a tree branch at both ends, climb up a tree, and attack the werepanther from above.  (Then again, maybe they teach you how to do stuff like that in the Bon Temps Police Academy.) 

Jason stabs Were-Felton in the head.  The latter, gets one last chomp at his leg, before falling naked and dead to the ground.

Nice knowing ya’, Felton!  That’s one Evil Werepanther down, one more to go . . . Obviously, I’m referring to Crystal.  (The rest, as far as I’m concerned, are basically just misguided dirty kids, and an Old Dude.  So, we can let them live, I think provided we never have to see them on screen EVER AGAIN.)  Speaking of that OTHER Werepanther that needs to be put to sleep . . .

And to think, I used to love ALL animals . . .

Talk about a wackadoo, Crystal is actually THRILLED that Jason murdered her boyfriend / sex partner / close relative.  And no matter how many times Jason threatens her with a stick, and tells her it’s over between them, girlfriend will just NOT TAKE A HINT.  She’s convinced that he will come crawling back to Hotshot, once his friends and family learn what happened to him.  “I’ll be waiting for you, at the Full Moon,” she calls after him cheerily, as he stomps away.

All I can say is, MAN, I HOPE NOT!  Because I can’t take any more of this crap.

Fortunately, Jason’s storyline ends on a high note this week, with Jess and Hoyt finding him on the side of the road, and Jess feeding Jason her blood to heal him.

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Team Jasicca, anyone?

Awww!  Don’t be mad at me, Hoyt!  I just call em’ like I see em’.  And there was some serious near-death, eye f*&king going on between those two . . .

Speaking of incest . . .

Portia and Bill Sitting in a Tree . . . The FAMILY Tree, that is!

“I know . . . I’ll just keep a copy of my Family Tree over my bed, so everyone I bone can check to make sure they aren’t related to me, first.”

Remember last week, when THIS happened  .  . .

And I reacted THIS way . . .

NOW YOU KNOW WHY!  Yes, boys and girls, Vampire Bill’s meeting with Andy and Portia’s grandmother went swimmingly well . . . at least until they figured out that they were all related to one another.  “Yu ahr mah great, great, great, great granndawtahhhh,” Bill admitted to his girlfriend on the porch, in that grating charming accent of his.

Poor Portia!  I wonder how many times she showered, after learning that she had “a little Compton in her” LOOOOOONG before she had a “little Compton in her,” if you catch my drift.  S0, much for incorporating “sex” into the business relationship . . .

In other effed up family news . . .

Tommy Can Read Books (But Apparently NOT People)

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OK . . . so we all know that Tommy Boy is a bastard, in pretty much every conceivable way.  He tried to steal from Sam, many times, and once, tried to get him hit by a car.  He manipulated Maxine Fortenberry into taking him in and teaching him how to read, only to decide to abandon her, and bilk her out of cash, at the first opportunity.  He’s a WHINY BRAT most of the time. 

A boy only a mother could love . . .

All that being said, I couldn’t help but feel just the teensiest bit bad for him this week.  After all, with parents like Jolie and Whatever-the-Heck-his-Mom’s-Name-Is, did Tommy have any chance to come out any better than he did?

 

Last week, I mentioned that I was a bit skeptical of the whole, “Let’s randomly pay Maxine Fortenberry lots of cash for oil” storyline.  As it turns out, my skepticism was founded, as it appears this may very well have been a ruse to bring Tommy back into the Mickens’ fold. 

Where I missed the boat, however, was in interpreting the reason behind Mommy Micken’s avoidence of the topic of her husband.  I thought she killed him.  That made me happy.

Yes, I’m a BAD PERSON.  Got a problem with that?

And while Mommy patted Tommy on the head, and told him what a smart boy he was for learning to read, I really thought, for a second there, those two might make it out of this season alive.  But then Jolie came out and put a chain around his son’s neck, thereby,  forcing him to return to the dogfighting ring.  And well, that was the end of that . . .  Just, whatever you do writers, don’t make us have to see Jolie NAKED AGAIN!  BECAUSE EWW!

I still think that Sam will eventually end up killing a family member this season, which will result in him becoming a Skinwalker.  However, now, my money is on Mommy Mickens being the victim, instead of Tommy.  (I’d say Jolie, but I don’t think the two are blood related.)

Speaking of Sam . . .

Blah, blah, blah, Jealous Ex Boyfriend Emergency, Bah

“Who’s your Daddy?”

That’s right, folks.  Once again, Sam’s storyline was deadly boring.  He stopped by Luna’s house, uninvited.  She seemed briefly annoyed, because she didn’t want him to know she had a kid. 

“Hey, I like kids . . . well, except for the one I shot in the leg . . .”

But Luna’s kid (her name is Emma, by the way) is not the real problem.  She’s cute, and likes to play Barbies.  (What more can a guy ask for in a surrogate daughter?)  The problem is the kid’s dad.  Apparently, he’s that brand of abusive stalker assh*le that only seems to appear in Lifetime movies.  Oh, yeah, and he’s also a werewolf . . .

In brighter news, Sam wasn’t nearly as douchey and detestable this week, as he’s been in recent weeks.  And his scenes with the little girl were actually kind of cute.  So . .  . yay for progress!

You know what’s not cute?  DEMON BABIES!

Terry Finally Wakes Up and Smells the Evil Baby Poop

OK . . . I take that back, Demon Babies can be cute.

So far this season, Baby Mikey has been pretty good about restricting his evilness to only stuff that Arlene could see.  This made Arlene look TOTALLY INSANE . . . which, let’s face it, made me like Evil Baby a whole lot more than I suspect I should have.

Get on with your Bad Self, Evil Baby!

But this time, Evil Baby showed its true colors to Terry by writing “Not your baby” in red marker on the living room wall, as Arlene and her two older children slept nearby.

In MUCH sexier news . . .

Eric Charms Sookie / Sookie Nuzzles Alcide / Debbie Pretends She’s Not Still a TOTAL NUTBALL

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Up until this point, Sookie has seemed kind of annoyed with Amnesia Eric.   It’s almost as though she didn’t quite believe his “condition” is real.  This sweet short scene illustrated the first sign of cracks in the brittle coat of armor Sookie has placed over her heart, ever since He Who Shall Not Be Named Beeeeeeeeeeeeel stomped on it so, mercilessly last season.

Like a cranky small child at bedtime, the afternoon finds Eric in his cubby hole, restless, and unwilling to sleep.  He also doesn’t want to be alone.  “Stay with me,” he begs Sookie, with disarming earnestness.

To which fans replied . . .

But Sookie (though she looked quite tempted by the Viking Vampire’s proposition) replied, “I’ve got human stuff to do.”

WHAT IS SHE NUTS?????!!!!!!  Perfect opportunity for mindblowing sex = WASTED!

Not to worry, Eric.  It’s early in the season yet.  You’ll get her next time . . .

Upstairs and out on the porch, Alcide called Sookie out for trusting Eric, and letting him live in her house, given his dubious past.  To this Sookie replied.  “Ring, ring, ring . . . hello, Pot?  It’s Kettle calling.  Guess what?  YOU’RE BLACK!”

That’s right, Alcide certainly has NO place telling Sookie she can’t let Eric sleep in her cubby hole, when Evil Trailer Trash Debbie is sleeping in his BED.  Unless, of course, he’s .  . . JEALOUS? 😉

Alcide and Sookie than share a WAY MORE THAN FRIENDLY extended hug, much similar to the one they shared together at the end of Season 3, with Sookie burrowing her head deep in Alcide’s muscular chest, and Alcide clearly relishing the closeness of his fairy princess . . .

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Meanwhile, Eric listens in on their conversation, pouting . . . (but at least, he can’t see The Hug from his cubby hole).

Back at Alcide’s House Trailer Trash Debbie in Sane Person’s Clothing inquires suspiciously as to whether Alcide shifted that day and why.  (I have no doubt she smells fairy on him!)  Alcide because he may be strong and sexy, but he’s also dumb as dogsh*t is honest with his girlfriend about spending the day with Sookie.  Debbie acts like she doesn’t mind, and thanks Alcide for being honest.  But there’s a glint in her eye, as she does this that just SCREAMS CRAZY TOWN! 

Hide your pet bunny, Alcide!

Bill Compton – Cockblock Extraordinaire

I mentioned cracks in Sookie’s emotional armor, in the previous scene.  But in this one, we get cracks in her panties as well! 🙂  It all starts when Sookie comes to visit Amnesia Eric in his cubby hole, and finds him depressed and listless.

I remember watching TVD last season, and being shocked at Resident Bad Boy Vamp Damon’s longing for humanity.  I had a similar reaction to Eric’s sad realization that he would never get to truly experience the sun again, in the same way he did earlier that day . . .

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In many ways, True Blood vampires have MORE to miss about being human than other television and film vampire incarnations, because they ARE literally “Dead Until Dark.”  Amesia Eric’s confession got me to wondering whether Memory-Having Eric experienced the same sense of loss last season, after HE got to spend some time in the light, as a result of drinking some of Sookie’s blood . . .

But enough about THAT!  You want to hear about the Seric SEXUAL TENSION, right?

There are plenty of naysayers who say that Sookie’s feelings for Amnesia Eric must be considered as completely separate from her feelings for Memory-Having Eric, as their personalities are so vastly different.  And yet, in this scene, Sookie speaks of Memory-Having Eric fondly, noting how confident and content he always seems to be, and how everything just seems to roll off his back.

 . . . or put him ON his back, whichever you prefer.

I also found it interesting that Amnesia Eric read enough into Sookie’s description of Memory-Having Eric to cause him to be jealous of his former self.  “You think I am weak,” he pouts.”

Sookie smiles sweetly at him, telling him that she simply wants to make him happy.  Well, Eric may have Amnesia, but he is NO DUMMY!  He knows an opening, when he sees one.  “Just kiss me once, and I will be happy,” he tells her.

The pair lean in close to one another, with passion in their eyes.  She looks at him intently.  He returns the gaze.  They move closer to eachother . . . Their bodies are touching . . . Their lips are inches apart. And then . . .

“Somebody, is at the door,” Eric announces.

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STUPID BEEEEL!  GRRRRR!

“Yeah, so I know that you are all big and important, now, and all.  But could you please leave so that I can have hot sex with go back to kissing Eric?”

Bill wants to know where Eric is (“He’s in my pants,” replies Sookie.  “Or, at least he would be if you didn’t come and eff it up!”) .  Sookie lies, and says she has no idea.  When Bill goes to search her home anyway, since, Eric, after all, does OWN it, Sookie lays a guilt trip on him, asking if she has ever lied to him before.  That made me laugh.  Way to go, SOOKIE! 🙂

Bill pushes past Sookie to search her house anyway, but stops at the threshhold.  He then gets a sad look on his face, and leaves.  And for about two seconds, I actually felt bad for Bill . . . but then, I got over it.

Meanwhile, in Scary Witch Land . . .

YOU RUINED PAM’S FACE!  (YOU BASTARD!)

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I love the contrast between the whiny scatterbrained Marnie and the self-assured remorseless Hallow who occasionally possesses her body.  We got to see the dichotomy between these two in full force, when Lafayette, Tara and Jesus, approached Marnie requesting help to remove the Amnesia spell from Eric, so that Pam didn’t kill them all.  To her credit, Marnie really did seem to want to help.  It’s just that . . . as a witch .  . . well, she kind of sucks!

Uhhhh .  . . I didn’t mean that.   Sorry!

“Get your ass on the Goddess Line, and get her to turn it around,” said Lafayette, of Marnie’s “Witchy Godmother.” 

Lafayette had more reason than ANY of them, to want Marnie to follow Pam’s wishes, after all, if anyone knows the evil Eric F*&king Northman can do, it’s HIM.

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Eventually, Hallow DOES give in, and help Marnie to find the spell she is seeking.  And so the Witchy Scooby Gang head out to meet Pam in the middle of the forest.  The problem of course, is that Pam is being extra special ornery, spouting out insults at the entire gang, cursing like a sailor, and lodging individual threats at everyone involved.

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This makes Marnie nervous, but it makes Hallow ROYALLY PISSED OFF, which is why she chooses this exact moment to do something REALLY INCREDIBLY DISGUSTING TO PAM’S FACE!  (In fact, it’s SO DISGUSTING that I refuse to put a picture of it on my blog.  Instead, you’ll get this cute picture of a kitty . . .

You’re welcome!

And that’s all she wrote.  🙂  See you next week, Fangbangers!

(This has sort of become the unofficial “closing credits” for my True Blood Recaps.)

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Sometimes, Sex Can Be Icky . . . – A Recap of True Blood’s “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin’?

Don’t worry, Eric, sexual ickiness is clearly NOT something you have to worry about!

(NOT ICKY . . . AT ALL! :))

Now, Vampire Bill, on the other hand . . .

Greetings Fangbangers!  While last week’s installment of True Blood featured “A Whole Lotta Naked,” this week’s episode featured A Whole Lotta Sex.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t the GOOD kind of sex . . . AT ALL!

“You mean there is such a thing as bad sex?”

(Oh yes there is JASON!  And, unfortnately, you are about to learn that first hand.)

So, strap on a condom, and renew your prescription for The Pill, because we are about to get started on this recap!

Amnesia Eric Apparently Watches the Jersey Shore

 “Eat your heart out, The Situation!”

When we last left our new pal, Amnesia Eric, and his roommate, Sookie, he was sniffing her from the window of her car, and telling her how good she smelled.

“Thanks Eric, but I think that’s just the pine tree air freshener hanging from my dashboard!”

This week, Eric continues to soak in Sookie’s stench, until she tires of being his personal Scratch n’ Sniff sticker, and drives away.  Now, you would think that, after four seasons of being attacked at night by supernatural creatures, while driving in her car, Sookie would learn to . . . I don’t know . . . CLOSE HER WINDOW!

But she doesn’t . . . so THIS happens . . .

Now, Sookie’s MAD!  So, she gets out of her car, and PUNCHES AMNESIA ERIC IN THE NOSE!

The fact that Eric was so utterly shocked, and hurt, by the fact that the girl he just VIOLENTLY PULLED OUT OF THE WINDOW OF HER CAR WITH HIS BARE HANDS would possibly want to do him harm, makes me wonder if he not only has amnesia, but has lost his short term memory, as well.

“Does this mean you DON’T want to have sex with me?

Sookie exasperatedly explains to Eric that his pretty little nose will heal right away, since he’s a vampire.  So, he should really stop crying about it.  Eric’s response?

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Did you hear that, Fangbangers?  Amnesia Eric just confused the blonde, southern, spunky, fairy waitress with the brunette, northeastern, puffy-haired, fake-baked, dumpling.

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I don’t know . . . if I was Sookie, I might have punched him again, at this point! 

But then, Sookie starts asking Eric what happened to him.  Eric gets so flustered and upset, that he starts talking in Sexy Magical Panty Dropping Language Viking  Swedish.  Then, he starts describing the Evil Witch who “took everything away from him.”  And he becomes all sad, scared, and baby blinky eyed, like a puppy who was just banished to the dog house, and is trying desperately to win back his owner’s affection.

“Awwww come on Sookie, don’t you want to bone me give me a bone?”

Sookie takes one look at that hot manly Bod of Godliness those wide innocent eyes, and takes pity on her confused roomie.  And so, she agrees to take this lost puppy home for a long round of shower sex with her, provided he doesn’t touch or bite her.  (Oh Sookie!  You are SO going to be eating Eric’s pants those words, in a few episodes!)

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“This is the beginning of a beautiful sex life friendship!”

Important Fact: Eric Northman is TICKLISH!

*tee heee heee heee*  “That tickles!”

When Eric and Sookie arrive back at the house, Eric (who is now wrapped in an adorable fleece blanket, which, apparently, Sookie keeps in her car for whenever Impromptu Car Sex Opportunities arise) lingers uncomfortably on her doorstep . . .

From a vampire mythology perspective, I found it interesting that Sookie had to re-invite Amnesia Eric into the home he now technically owns.  After all, though Eric no longer REMEMBERS purchasing Sookie’s house out from under her, he STILL has contractual rights to it.  Yet, even after Sookie TOLD Eric that he owned the house, he still would not enter until he received a formal invitation.  This leads me to believe that there is at least some psychological component to the whole “The vampire has to be invited into your home to gain entrance” rule.

Anywho . . .

When Eric eventually does come in, his muddy feet track dirt all over Sookie’s ugly crocheted rug, which is NOT COOL, as far as Sookie is concerned.  So, she makes him shimmy around the thing, a movement which does some very flattering things for his already delectably pinchable bum . . .

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Shake your bon-bon!  Shake your bon-bon!

Sookie then decides to wash Eric’s dirty feet in a basin, as he giggles and splashes around like a toddler.  He stops for a moment to admire Sookie and tell her how beautiful she is.  I love the way Eric seems to be rediscovering his attraction for Sookie, in its purest most innocent form.  I think it’s also great that he no longer has ANY GAME.  Viking Vamp Eric may have been a seductive, often manipulative, charmer, but Amnesia Eric perpetually wears his heart on his sleeve and his woody in his pants.

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Don’t worry, Eric!  You are going to get it all back soon enough . . . and then some!

While scrubbing away, Sookie calls Pam, who’s right in the middle of dinner (a.k.a. eating a dude), to inform her of the current situation.  Pam has dumped her leftovers, and is on Sookie’s doorstep, before you can say Jesus Metaphor.

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OK . . . now maybe I have a dirty mind, but what exactly does this look like to you?

Eric, who has no recollection at all of his own “child” exclaims, “WHO THE F*&K IS THAT,” when Pam arrives at the door.  Then he actually APOLOGIZES for being RUDE!  (Who IS this guy?)  Sookie is not exactly thrilled to learn that an Evil Coven of Witches is after Eric.  “I have to deal with WITCHES’ now,” she exclaims!

You think THAT’S bad, wait until you get a load of the WEREPANTHERS!

Sookie is even more unhappy to learn that she has to babysit Eric, while Pam works to help him regain his memory.  Since she NEVER EVER LEARNS, Sookie has the brilliant (read: ridiculously dumb) idea of going to King Beeel for help with Eric’s little problem.  “You tell Bill, and I will rip you to PIECES!”  Pam exclaims furiously.

At which point, Eric lashes out at Pam, literally throwing her out of the house, with the vampire powers he, apparently, still remembers how to use quite well . . .

I hope she washed her feet, first!

Poor Pam!  Here she is, trying to be helpful to her Maker, and she has to hear lectures from Amnesia Eric on how she has to be nice to SOOKIE!  I bet that really DUSTS HER DOILIES (and not in a good way)!

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Pam explains to Remedial Student Sookie that Vampire Bill was the one who actually ORCHESTRATED Eric losing his memory, by sending him into the witches’ coven unprotected, knowing FULL WELL what they would do to him, once he arrived there.

Thank you, King Beel, for helping to ensure that Sookie and Eric make sweet, sweet love in the very near futue.   Your douchedom is, actually, much appreciated, in this rare instance.

Though it seems completely unnecessary at this point, Sookie feels the need to add that Bill ONLY wants revenge on Eric because he TASTED some of his prized Sookie Shortcake, without paying for it, first .  . .

*ahem*

Upon hearing that he has once SUCKED STACKHOUSE, Eric seems rather pleased with himself.  “I did?”  He inquires excitedly. 

Of course, Sookie has to be a killjoy and tell Eric that this was a non-consensual  suck.  “You, basically, fang-raped me.”

This causes poor Amnesia Eric to apologize for about the 85,000th time this episode.  “Sorry,” he says.  (I’m starting to think that “Sorry” is Amnesia Eric’s middle name.)

Pam warns Sookie not to tell anyone that Eric is hiding out at her pad.  She then leaves Sookie’s Love Shack to go kick some ass, and eat some neck . . .

Sookie’s Ass Has Its Own Theme Song (Don’t you wish YOURS did?)

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Sookie leads a timid, very poorly dressed (Jason Stackhouse!  I expected more from your wardrobe!)   Amnesia Eric downstairs to his newly-renovated cubby hole to get some shut-eye (dead eye?).  Now that he’s got her in his bedroom, our Wiser Than He Looks protagonist decides to interrogate his hostess.  “Are you mine?”  He asks.

“Nope.” Sookie replies.

LIAR!

“Do you belong to another vampire?”  Eric inquires.

“Nope.” Sookie answers.  (This one is true.)

“Would you like TO BE MINE?”  Eric asks, hopefully.

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“No, I would not!”  Sookie responds frustratedly.

Yet another LIE!  Tsk, Tsk!

Eric must sense that Sookie is fibbing, because he catches her at the doorway, and extends his fangs, breaking two of Sookie’s All Important House Rules, in under a second . . .

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“Do I have bad breath?  It must have been that Marnie I ate, earlier this evening.”

SURPRISE!  Amnesia Eric says “Sorry,” yet again.  (Hey guys!  I just thought of a GREAT drinking game you could play, during this season of True Blood.  You’ll be drunk off your ass in no time!)

“He said ‘SORRY!’  Everybody DRINK!”

Speaking of ass . . . As Sookie climbs the cubby hole ladder, back into her living room, Eric unabashedly admires her ASS-ETS.  While he does so,  a song plays that shares the title to this episode.  Once she’s upstairs, the music stops. 

It’s the only time music plays throughout the entire hour.   And, as a result, it’s was a bit jarring for this viewer.  Typically, the title of the episode represents the song that plays during the final credits.  But, this week, “Season of a Witch” played during the credits.  So, basically, “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin”  is nothing more than Sookie’s Ass Song.  

“I WANT MY OWN ASS SONG!”

You’re KILLING ME, Alcide!

How could something so beautiful, be SO STUPID!

Probably because she doesn’t trust herself not to jump his bones, Sookie is desperate to get Amnesia Eric out of her house and her pantalones.  So, she visits Alcide, since he “owes Eric one.”  When Alcide sees Sookie, it is just like old times!  There are lots of eye-f*&ks, “meaningful” stares, and hugs that last just a bit too long to be considered merely friendly . . .

“Your nose smells good, Sookie!”

“Well, actually Alcide, I’m just getting over a sinus infection . . .”

So, you can imagine how shocked Sookie is to find THIS CHICK inside Alcide’s house, waiting to give her a Big Ole Hug!

OMG, guys!  It’s Trailer Trash Debbie.  And supposedly she’s “not on drugs anymore,” and “loves the Lord.”  She’s also dyed her hair shockingly Sookie blonde, presumably because she thinks (with good reason) that this is what Alcide likes.  It’s TOTALLY Single White Female.  But the grossest part about the whole scenario is when Alcide starts WILLINGLY MAKING OUT WITH DEBBIE!

Silly Alcide?  Didn’t you read the books?  Just like a tiger can’t change its spots, a Trailer Trash Werewolf can’t change her BATSH*T CRAZY!  And the sooner you learn that, the better off you will be!

Long story short, Alcide is too busy getting crabs from Trailer Trash Debbie to help out Sookie.  Oh well!  I guess she’ll have to shower him, herself.  Darn!

Beware of the Ugly Ass Doll, and the Eyes of a Cheating Vampire

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Jess has something important she wants to talk about with her Daddy.  But King Beel has some “Vampire Business” to dispense with, first.  The anti-vampire campaign in Bon Temps is in full force.  And one unlucky vamp, has become the unwitting spokesperson for the cause, having been caught on YouTube eating a chick in an alleyway.

This website is real, by the way.

Even though the woman in the video clearly did NOT die, and the vampire in question was only doing what Bill himself, used to do back in the 80’s . . .

King Hypocrite.

The “benevolent” King Beel, decides to put the guy to death, in order to . . . wait for it . . . “send a message.”  (I’ve got a message for you, Beel.  It starts with a F and ends with a U.)

Fortunately, Daddy-O is a bit more lenient with Baby Vamp Jessica, when SHE confesses to feeding on Sexy Non-Hoyt guy in the Fangtasia bathroom, last week (but, perhaps, only because SHE didn’t get caught, like that other guy did).  King Beel actually gives GOOD advice to Jessica, telling her that she owes it to Hoyt to be honest about her unfaithfulness.  Interestingly enough, these father/daughter scenes are the ONLY times I can stand Vampire Bill. 

(Nevermind that King Beel has absolutely NO BUSINESS teaching Jess the importance of truth, considering that he was lying to Sookie from the moment he met her . . .)

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Good dad .  . . horrible creature

When Jessica comes home she finds a pissed off Hoyt, once again clutching that creepy burnt up doll, which, apparently, is Chuck from Child’s Play incarnate.  After all, no matter how many times they throw the ugly thing away, it just KEEPS COMING BACK!

 I don’t know, Hoyt . . . if you hate the doll so much, why do you seem to spend a few minutes every episode HUGGING it?

Eventually, the young couple decide to give the dirty doll to Arlene’s Evil  Devil Baby, which, when you think about it, is probably the most appropriate place for it!

Baby LIKE!

As it turn out, however, Evil Dolls are the LEAST of Jess’ and Hoyt’s problems.  When Jess confesses to Hoyt about eating another man, Hoyt is understandably upset.  And so Jess makes a decision that we are SURE is going to come back and bite her in the ass.  She compels her own boyfriend to FORGET WHAT SHE DID!

Watching this, I couldn’t help but be reminded of ANOTHER Baby Vamp who compelled her then-boyfriend to forget some “bad” things about her . . .

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Of course, THAT time, the wussy wimp boyfriend ASKED for the compulsion, because he supposedly, though it ended up being nothing more than an EVIL trick (long story) couldn’t, in the words of Jack Nicholson, “Handle the Truth” . . .

Hoyt is OBVIOUSLY compelled against his will.  In fact, his last words, before falling under his girlfriend’s spell are, “Don’t you dare.”

Now, you know how I hate to say Beel  is right, EVER!  However, I’m pretty sure his prediction that, if Jess didn’t tell Hoyt about her unfaithfulness, he would find out on his own, is probably prophetic . . .

Speaking of Beel, and family . . . *ahem*

“It’s a REAL GOOD THING vampires can’t procreate .  . .”

I’m going to try my VERY best to not spoil this storyline.  But those who have read the Sookie books undoubtedly are feeling my EXTREME pain with respect to the scene in which Bill and Portia make “sweet, sweet, love.”

Want proof that Vampire Bill sucks at romance?  Check out the dinner he has with his new girlfriend, in which she tellls him that they should “consider adding sex to their [relationship]” simply because they are both powerful and intelligent.  Bill then proceeds to make this long boring speech about how his heart is too old to love, and blah, blah, blah . . . presumably, attempting to put Portia to sleep, so he doesn’t have tohave sex with her her.

Wake me up, when I’ve returned to your television screen!

But, you’ve really gotta hand it to Portia!  Having listened to all those lame lines and B.S., She’s sTILL DTF (a.k.a Down to F*&k).  So, “F” they do, as I proceed to vomit up my TV dinner . . .

In other nauseating news . . .

Jason Gets Laid By Lots of Ladies in the Same Night!

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Don’t get too excited, Jason!  It’s not quite what you think . . .

Poor Jason!  His whole life, he’s probably been waiting to have as much sex as he gets to have in this episode.  Then again, when he dreamed of this day, he probably didn’t imagine himself, drugged, chewed up within in an inch of his life, tied to a dirty bed, and repeatedly raped, by a bunch of unhygienic , gap-toothed girls who refer to him as “Ghost Daddy!”

I never thought I’d say this about my lover, Jason Stackhouse, but PLEASE get this creepiness OFF my TV screen!  (Oddly enough, he still looks pretty hot, though!)

So, apparently, not only is Jason being converted into a werepanther to impregnate CRYSTAL, he’s also being used to impregnate the ENTIRE female population of Hot Shot who’s over age 13!

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At least Andy’s finally woken up from his drug-induced stupor long enough to realize that his partner is MISSING! 

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 Even though Andy still has no idea where his bromantic buddy is (not to mention, he is so effed on V that he’s in NO CONDITION to help him) I’m still glad Andy got to call Jason’s cell phone, if only so that we could hear his hilarious answering machine:

  “You’ve reached Jason Stackhouse’s voicemail.  I’m not hear to take your call right now.   If this is an emergency, call 911, and ask for me!”

“Hi, 911?  Can I talk to Jason Stackhouse, please?  I’m stuck in Hotshot, with a bunch of hillbilly freaks, who are trying to rape me!  What . . . . what do you mean ‘He’s not there?’  Where the heck is he?”

Speaking of Andy, he finally came clean to Sam about his “V” addiction.  And, as we know, admitting you have a problem is the first step to solving it. 

Unless, of course, your problem involves maenad-induced pig hallucinations, in which case, you are on your own!

Speaking of Sam, he bonded a bit with former former f*&k buddy, Tara, and scolded Tommy Boy, when he claimed he wanted to steal Maxine’s “Natural Gas” money.  So, much for brotherly bonding . . .

Stealing from people is WRONG, Tommy Boy!  (But holding them at gunpoint, until they give you cash, and then shooting them anyway, is right.)

Honestly, I didn’t really quite buy the whole, Maxine’s living on a Natural  Gas landmine, and some dude just randomly knocked on her door, like Publisher’s Clearinghouse, offering her all this cash for no reason.  Either this is a Long Con, or the most unrealistic, contrived storyline ever.  Personally, I feel like this whole Sam/Tommy storyline, has been a bit setup for Sam to end up KILLING Tommy, so that he can become a “Skinwalker” and be able to shift into other humans, like his new girlfriend Luna can.  But that’s just me?

You probably should have stuck with the dogfights, Tommy Boy!  Because your days of illiterate whining are numbered . . .

Pam threatens to have sex with Tara, Laffy, and Jesus.  (Now, that doesn’t sound so bad, does it?)

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Awwww . . . isn’t that just the sweetest thing you have ever heard?

Still having absolutely NO CLUE what they’ve done to Eric, Marnie’s coven is PISSED OFF, and ready for revenge.   “He came into my house, and tried to get us to stop practicing our religion,” an indignant Marnie exclaims. 

Tara and Laffy, however, who each have personal experience with the Viking Vamp, aren’t as quick to want to go after him with pitchforks.   After all, both cousins are still nursing some SERIOUS PTSD after their respective vampire run-ins.

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Eric F*&king Northman, indeed!

But alas, Pam recognizes Laffy’s witch powers, and sees HIM as the quickest possible way to track down Eric’s witchy nemesis.   So, she kidnaps him and tosses him in the fateful dungeon where he spent many months, back in season 2.

“By the way, Laffy!  I LOVE your purple tank.  Where did you get it?”

Once they realize he’s missing, Tara and Jesus rush to Laffy’s aid, armed with a gun filled with wooden bullets.  (As former-Queen Sophie Anne can tell you, wooden bullets are NO JOKE!)  When Tara and Jesus arrive, Ginger the Banshee Waitress screams,  (SURPRISE!)

How on Earth does this woman still have a voicebox?

However, eventually, Pam and the feisty threesome broker what seems to me like a very reasonable deal:  They bring Pam to Marnie.  And, in return, Pam doesn’t eat and screw their brains out . . .

If Everyone Claps Their Hands and Says “I Believe” Maybe She Will Come Back to Life!  (Who am I kidding?  She’s TOAST!)

Nice knowin’ ya, Claudine!

That night, Sookie is sitting at her kitchen table, engrossed in a Charlaine Harris book . . .

“YES!  Just a few more pages, until I get to have shower sex with Eric!”

 . . . when she suddenly gets a nervous feeling in the pit of her stomach.  She checks Eric’s cubby hole, and finds it empty.  Frantic, Sookie rushes outside, to find Worst Fairy Godmother Ever Claudine on her doorstep.  Claudine has the NERVE to ask Sookie to come back to the worst opening sequence in the history of True Blood Fairy Land, where she can eat glow fruits, and hang out with more dead relatives.  Sookie says, thanks but no thanks.  And Claudine gets pissed.  But before she throw lightning bolts at Sookie, Eric emerges from the backyard, hungry for dessert, FAIRY DESERT.

Within minutes, Eric has devoured all the “good parts” of Claudine.  The rest turns into this .  . .

My precious . . . face.

Needless to say, Sookie is not pleased. 

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(How fitting that Amnesia Eric’s new catchphrase is the last word of the episode.)

And that’s all I’ve got.  See you next week!

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Yes . . . I do plan to use this GIF at the end of every TB recap.  Got a problem with that? 😉

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever] [Have Blood Will Travel!  (a TVD / True Blood Crossover Fanfic)]

A Whole Lotta’ Naked Going On – A Recap of True Blood’s “You Smell Like Dinner”

“Hey!  I know you!  Aren’t you that chick from the Harry Potter movies?”

“Woah . . . on second thought, maybe not.”

Happy July 4th, Fangbangers!  You know, i think it’s actually rather fitting that this particular episode of True Blood aired on the Eve of our nation’s birth.  After all, it featured, among other things, a political revolution . . .

Coincidentally, this is also what Vampire Bill looks like, when he loses at Paintball.

. . . a “family barbecue” . . .

“If this is dinner, I can’t WAIT for dessert!”

 . . . lots of drinking . . .

 . . . bonfires . . .

 . . . fireworks . . .

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. . . and enough Hot Naked Man Meat to fill a nude beach!

So, pop open a beer, break out the sparklers, and throw some steak on the barbecue, because it’s time to get all hot and bothered with your favorite spunky waitress, and her smoking hot vampire pals . . .

Jason Stackhouse is NOT a Lollipop!

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When we last left the World’s Most Adorable Policeman, Jason Stackhouse, he was chilling in a cooler, thanks to his trailer trash budies in Hotshot.  He wakes up open-shirted, tied to a bedpost, and with the strange sensation that someone’s tongue is on his skin.

“Woohoo!  Sounds like SOMEONE had a great night!”

Then, he turns to his side, and realizes that the person doing the licking is this creepy teenage boy named Timbo.

You can definitely tell how much growing up Jason has done, since last season.  The old Jason and most rational human beings would have totally freaked out at the prospect of a boy with questionable hygiene slobbering his saliva all over his bloody forehead.  But New and Mature Jason seems to take his situation in stride.  “It’s not that I don’t appreciate the licking.  I’m just more of a bandaid kind of guy,” Jason explains calmly.

Of course, there are some things you just can’t bandaid.

Here are these two creepy kids that knocked our Jason unconscious, tied him to a bedpost, and started drooling all over them.  And Jason is just calmly chatting with them, much like a mild-mannered dad would talk to a kid who just spilled milk on the countertop.  I don’t know whether to hug him, lick him, or slap him in the face for being so blase about his own safety.

Yet, ultimately, Jason seemed to have the right idea.  He sensed his captors’ reluctance over holding him prisoner. And, by sweetly telling the inbred how much he loved and cared about him, Jason eventually got Timbo to agree to loosen his makeshift handcuffs.

Enter Batsh*t Crazy Felton and his shotgun!

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Sweet naive dumb Jason immediately starts worrying about his trailer trash girlfriend, Crystal, who he supposedly stole from this Dipsh%t, last season. 

I never saw what all the fuss was about with her . . .

Oddly enough, it’s Felton that sets him straight.  Just as Jason calmly tried to explain to the Hotshot teens that tying people up and licking them against their will is “not a very polite thing to do,” Felton explains to Jason that when you are tied to a bedpost, and have a fully-loaded shot gun up your nose, it isn’t exactly the time to be thinking about sex.  Who says you can’t learn anything from watching True Blood? 

Man, this Felton guy seems to be a bit smarter than we once thought.  So, when Felton tells Jason that he is about to be f*&ked . . .  well . . .

Creepy Crystal makes her appearance later, and SURPRISE, she’s in on the whole thing.  Yeah, I wasn’t that surprised either.  She leans over Jason’s bed and coos in his ear that this is the only way the two of them are going to “be together forever.”  And suddenly, I’m wondering whether I accidentally switched over to one of those Lifetime movies . . .

“Together forever?  So, you’re a vampire now, too?”

Then Andy comes to town.  And there is hope in our hearts that he will save the day, and his partner from a life of inbred idiocy.

“MY HERO!”

 But nope.  He’s just there to pick up his next fix of vampire blood investigate V-dealing in Hotshot.  Crystal stuffs some gauze into Jason’s mouth, so he won’t scream.  I can think of worse things she could have put in there.  Meanwhile “Criminal Mastermind” Felton instructs some geezer to hand over the V to Andy, so that he leaves Hotshot, without conducting any further “investigation.”

 With Andy out of the picture, the time has come for Crystal and Felton to reveal their TRUE intentions for kidnapping Jason.  “We are going to make a baby,” Felton explains, as he starts unbuttoning his pants.

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(Hmmm . . . yeah . . . I’m thinking that’s not scientifically possible, Felton.  You get an A for effort, though!)  As it turns out, it’s Crystal who’s going to be boinking our boy Jason to make a baby.  Apparently, the only real bullets coming out of Felton are the ones in his shotgun.  So, if Crystal wants a werepanther kid, she’s going to have to screw another werepanther.  Rather, than choose any of the other 150 brothers and male cousins she’s humped in the past, Crystal opts instead to “put a little Stackhouse in her.”

Can you blame her?

But wait . . . you might be thinking to yourself  . . .  Jason isn’t a werepanther?  Well, that’s when things get REALLY beastly, folks.  Poor Jason, the final scene of his story makes getting licked by Timbo seem like a Naked Picnic in the Park . . .

Remember when the only thing Jason had to worry about, was whether his girlfriend would kill his gay vampire friend for V?  Those were the days . . .

Both Crystal and Felton immediately morph into werepanthers, and start RAVAGING Jason Stackhouse’s half-naked body WITH THEIR MOUTHS!

Meanwhile, back at Sookie’s House . . .

Eric Psychoanalyzes Sookie, Panties Fall Across the Land

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When we last left our FAVORITE TB couple to be, Eric was clutching Sookie’s bathrobe, and our girly parts her heart strings, when he said those three words every woman wants to hear . . . but only if someone who looks like Alexander Skarsgard is saying them: “You . . .  are . . . mine.”

If anyone out there was still doubting Sookie’s and Eric’s capacity for Smoking Hot Coupledom, this scene should have bit the naysayers in the neck, once and for all.  The snarky, witty, and sexy banter shared by these two is unmatched by any other two characters on this show (with the exception, perhaps, of Vampire Pam, and . . . well . . . anybody). 

Each line was more titillatingly clever than the next.  Each passionately frustrated look the pair shared pushed them ever closer to ripping one another’s clothing off, and getting down and dirty, right on the staircase of Sookie’s recently-renovated home.

Speaking of the staircase, that’s where we begin our episode.  Sookie is rushing down the stairs away from her lover pursuer.  Note to Sookie:  Never attempt a foot race with a vampire.  You will ALWAYS lose.  Of course, when you are with Vampire Eric, even “losing” is winning, in a way. 😉

Within seconds, Eric is in front of her once again.  “That is no way to treat your landlord,” Eric snarks.

THIS is how you treat your landlord.

“What do you want from me?”  Sookie whines. 

“Everything,” replies Eric calmly (Coming from the guy who was able to bone Yvetta for six hours straight, without tiring, I’d say that’s a pretty fair trade.)

Sookie then explains to Eric that, when he purchased her house, SHE didn’t come with it.  “Then, I seriously overpaid,” replies Eric.  (Hmmm . . . I wonder if Eric had his attorney include “Sookie” in the Real Estate Contract, as a pre-condition for purchasing the home.)

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Thus begin our Sookie Psychoanalysis Session.  Though not technically related to Sookie’s inner Id, Eric begins the discussion with a long erotic description of what Sookie smells like.  “Your blood is like sunshine in a pretty blonde bottle . . . That is what vampires smell, when they smell you.”

I’ve got sunshine .  . . on a cloudy day  . . . when it’s cold outside, I’ve got the month of May.  I . . . guess . . . you . . . say . . . what can make me feel this way .  . .  SOOKEH!

Eric than offers Sookie the best sex of her life protection from the Evil Sunshine Sniffing Vampires of Bon Temps.  “I bought this house, because I care about you,” he explains.

“I’m just asking you to consider my offer.”  (Oh!  COME ON, SOOKIE!  Consider his offer, dammit!)

Eric’s psychoanalysis kicks into full gear, when he asks Sookie to recall the time that Vampire Beeeeel first announced that she was his.  “How did it make you feel?”  Eric inquires, in his best impression of a REALLY hot version of Dr. Phil.

“It made me feel nauseous angry,” explains Sookie.

“But it also made you feel safe.”  Eric replies. 

It is at this point in the scene that Eric launches into his surprisingly deep analysis of “The Two Sookies.”

Sookie #1

Sookie #2

Listen to Eric explain the difference between the Two Sookie’s was like listening to an interview with Alan Ball, if Alan Ball was a studly Viking Vamp you desperately wanted to screw, in which he explained the driving motivations behind a sometimes-VERY confusing character.  Suddenly, Sookie makes sense to me! 

Thank you, Eric Northman!  Now, let’s go have sex.

According to Eric, there is one part of Sookie that is desperate to live out a normal boring human existence, as a waitress in Bon Temps, and another, supernatural, mind-reading, vampire-loving, ass-kicking, fairy Sookie who wants to be Eric’s sex slave wants more from her life.  I suspect this assessment of Sookie is correct, and explains why she sometimes seems to shun the very supernatural existence in which she regularly gets herself embroiled. 

But enough of that Psychological Mumbo Jumbo, let’s get back to the FLIRTING!  Sookie wants to know if Eric thinks her legs will just magically open for him, just because he wants them to do so.

They sure seem open to me.

“Well, that was saucy!” Eric exclaims, as the dirty pictures of an open-legged Sookie begin invading his brain at full force.

Daddy like!

Whereas Vampire Bill always seemed put off by, and frustrated by Sookie’s “un-ladylike” potty-mouthed back talk, Vampire Eric is intrigued and impressed by Sookie’s sharp wit, and take-no-prisoners attitude.  In fact, he encourages it, as he believes that it is Sookie’s mental toughness that will ultimately keep him save when he cannot do so. 

In other words, TEAM ERIC, FTW!

Why Can’t You Pay My Beeeeeel?

Speaking of “He Who Does Not Belong with Sookie,” Sookie rushes to a now fancy-schmancy King Bill’s house only to be accosted by a Creepy Gun Toting Security Detail.  Not yet aware that Bill has been made King of Louisiana, Sookie is clearly taken aback by this rude interruption of her attempt to Cry to Daddy that Eric was Mean to Her.  (I thought she didn’t trust him anymore?  Hmmm.)

When one of the Men in Black informs Bill that his former play thing is on the premises, His Majesty allows little Sookie to pass onto his property.   “Yeah . . . y’all stand down!”  Sookie explains, as she stomps off to Bill’s.  (Sometimes Sookie bugs me, but I ADORED her this week.  Anybody else feel the same way?)

When Sookie arrives at Bill’s house, he is conveniently finishing up his “Kingly Duties” of Boning that Sophie Anne – lookalike  / Witch Spy from last week. 

“Dude!  Stop calling me Sookeh!  It’s really rude!”

The stench of sex is fresh in the air, as an all fanged up “Katerina,” who is part of his “security”  (What exactly is she securing, his weiner?), exits the premises.  Man, what a douche Bill has always been become.  Could you imagine screwing a guy, and promptly being told to leave so that the REAL object of his affections can have her turn?  And what about Sookie?  I mean, I understand, Bill wants to show his ex what she’s “missing,” but really, that was just gross.

BEEEEEEEEEL (you ought to be ashamed of yourself)!

Anywhoo . . . Sookie’s all pouty-lipped and baby faced, when she asks Bill for help with the whole “Eric Situation.”  She really knows how to work this guy.  Unfortunately, Bill claims that there is nothing he can do about Sookie’s little “situation.”  Thankfully Unfortunately, Eric has some “friends in high places,” so Bill’s hands are tied.

Nice buddy!  Way to rub it in!

Bill “helpfully” suggests that Sookie crash at another human’s house, while everything gets sorted out.  However, Sookie, who’s way smarter than Bill, knows that this will immediately result in Eric’s buying that house too.

Now, I own your friends too!  I smell an orgy!

Before sarcastically bidding “his Excellency” goodbye, Sookie inquires of her former beau how he ended up becoming King.  At this point, fans are sitting at the edge of their seat, unless, of course, they already watched the episode last week on HBO GO they want to know how Bill became King too.  But, alas, Sookie was just teasing us.  “Nevermind,” she tells Bill disgustedly.  “Every time I learn something about you I end up wishing I didn’t know it.”

But WAIT!  Bill is staring at the floor, DEEPLY and INTENSELY!  I sense a FLASHBACK!

It’s 1982, do you know where your Beeeel is?

We see Vampire Bill dressed in a ridiculous Billy Idol costume, and we briefly wonder if it’s Halloween.   But no.  Bill is actually a punk rocker, looking for a “taste.”  He hits on a bartender for a bit.  And the two of them head outside for a “drink.” 

Now, Bill is making Bartender’s neck into his own personal chew toy.  Bartender is terrified, and screaming out in pain.  But, lest you think our Vampire Bill is an insensitive Punk Rocker, he promptly heals the bites, with his own blood, and glamours the Bartender to forget what happened.  Heck, Vampire Bill even has time to give the dude with “F*&ker” written on the back of his vest some helpful nutritional advice.  “Take Vitamin D and iron supplements,” he instructs him kindly.

Weirdest back alley makeout session, EVER!

Out of the shadows emerges a familiar face . . .

It’s NAN!  Apparently, before the days when the head of the Vampire League had the Men in Black doing all her dirty work, she was forced to make house calls at seedy night clubs.  She’s been following Punk Rocker Bill around for a while.  Nan is impressed with Bill’s self-control.  He eats like a Super Model: never finishing a meal, and never leaving over as much as a crumb of evidence.

She wants him to join her little vampire club.  They plan to start a new era of vampires who live happily among humans.  To do that, she apparently needs a group of Billy Idol wannabes to infiltrate the government, with their excessive hair gel and nose rings.  Bill seems to be precisely the man for the job!  Umm .  . . yay?

Long Live the Queen . . .  well . . . maybe not

“Hey, what the heck is this?  I was supposed to stick around until Season 7!  I want my money back.”

Flash forward to sort-of present day.  Queen Sophie Anne and Bill are preparing to battle one another.  Their fangs are bared.  They are each wearing their best Evil Vampire Faces.  Then Bill, pussies out, and brings in the goon squad.

This isn’t about honor.   It’s about revenge.  You see, Bill blames Sophie Anne for what happened between him and Sookie . . . even though, let’s face it, if it weren’t for Sophie Anne, Bill would have never MET Sookie, in the first place.  Talk about an ingrate! 

Enter Big Bad Vampire Nan.  As it turns out, she had a reason to want Queen Sophie Anne dead too.  Sophie Anne was dealing V behind the Vampire League’s back.  And NO ONE crosses the Vampire League, and lives to tell the tale.

BILL:  “I am so turned on by you right now.”

NAN:  “Thanks, but no thanks . . . I don’t do dead guys.”

Recognizing that Bill’s murder of Sophie Anne was more than just business, Nan asks Bill what it is about Sookie that makes every supernatural creature in Bon Temps fall all over themselves trying to get into her pants.  Bill tells Nan that, as it turns out, there is nothing special about Sookie at all . . .

After Bill’s nose grows tree-sized, a la Pinocchio, Nan warns him that if he lies to her, he will end up just like Sophie Anne.  Ooh from your lips to Alan Ball’s ears, Nan!  Nan then pays Bill for his loyal service to the American Vampire League by dubbing him King of Louisiana.  “Now, go clean yourself up . . .” instructs Nan, making a hot shower Bill’s first kingly duty.  “You are covered in Queen.”

Now, that was just in bad taste!

Speaking of getting bloody . . .

Devil Baby 2 , Arlene 0

I’ve gotta say.  This is the most adorable Evil Spawn I have ever seen!

Over at Merlotte’s, Sookie is introduced to Devil Baby Mikey for the first time.  She coos and coddles him appropriately, telling the proud parents . . . well . . . one of them is proud at least . . . that Mikey is the cutest little baby she has ever seen. 

“How are you so attractive AND related to Arlene?”

Sookie unintentionally freaks out Arlene by implying that the baby is an “Old Soul,” and that she can read the baby’s mind.  Arlene starts screaming at Sookie for no reason, protesting that she loves her Devil Baby, no matter what her thoughts might be saying to the contrary.  After Sookie leaves, Arlene stares at the baby, and it . . . GIVES HER PINK EYE?

I don’t know, as far as Devil Baby tricks go .  . . this one was kind of lame.  But, hey, he’s just a baby.  I’m sure his head will be spinning around and spewing green goo in no time! 

After declaring her giggling son totally rotten, Arlene rushes off to the bathroom to flush out her eyeballs.  Meanwhile, Sweet Naive Terry just hugs his baby tighter, reassuring him the most, even if he is the Devil Incarnate.  Terry is such a nice dude.   I’m really hoping Devil Baby takes pity on him, and spares his life, after chopping up Arlene’s body into little tiny pieces and mixing it with his Baby Food, don’t you?

“I second that emotion.”

Speaking of people who work at Merlotte’s (Yep .  . . bad transition . . . I know . . .)

More Naked Sam and Naked Tommy . . . meh.

You know, I never thought I’d say this, but I can do with LESS nudity in the Sam Merlotte storyline.

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  You are saying, “But, TV Recapper .  . . you LOVE all of Hollywood’s Naked Creatures!  Half of your blog is filled with them.”  This is all true.  But Sam, Tommy, and their shifter pals are naked so much, I feel like I’ve walked into a nudist colony, whenever they are on screen.  I like my nudity to be surprising, titillating, and, if at all possible, a precursor to sex.

Nudity for nudity’s sake just isn’t as much fun.  Sorry, but that’s how I feel.  So, anyway, Sam and Luna have just finished their wild pony ride.  They are lying naked in the forest.  Sam puts the moves on Luna, by telling her she is too beautiful not to have a story, and, blah, blah, blah . . .

Luna flips out, turns into a horse, and runs away.

Later, she changes her mind and comes back to Merlotte’s for some more Sam shaped nookie, promising to open up to him about her pants her past.  Sam, who could really care less about Luna’s past, and was just pretending to care about it so that he could get laid, gratefully agrees, and kisses Luna some more. Zzzzzzz . . .

Later, at a Shapeshifter Bonfire we learn that Luna is a Skinwalker.  This means that she can shift into not only any animal, but into any HUMAN as well.  (Maybe she can shift this into a more exciting storyline.)    True Blood took a page out of TVD in creating Luna’s Skinwalker story.  Apparently, you can only become a werewolf Skinwalker by killing . . . only, this time, the person you murder has to be a member of your own family.  And since Luna’s mom died giving birth to her . . . well .  . .

“Been there . .  . done that . . . have the back scars to prove it.”

Uh oh!  There is someone in the woods watching the Shapeshifter reunion.  It’s Naked Tommy.  Apparently, he’s been lying about the whole “being a cripple” thing, so that he can continue to get love from Maxine. 

Now, that’s the face of a loving woman!

But, alas, what Tommy really wants is the love of a good woman Shirtless Sam . . .

“I can make you happy, Sam!  We can take the phrase ‘screwing like bunnies’ to a whole new level.”

Sam agrees to try to make things work with his half-brother.  And if I cared at all, I would sigh and say awwww . .  .

Tara’s Back AND WAY LESS ANNOYING than she used to be . . .

“I must say, Tara, becoming a lesbian has done wonders for your fashion sense!”

If this season has made me grow increasingly less fond of Sam Merlotte, it has had the opposite effect on Tara Thornton.  I was so thrilled, when a newly-long haired, well-dressed, smiley, well adjusted Tara surprised Sookie in her backyard.  (Too bad those fairy hallucinations were behind her.  But they went away quickly enough that they didn’t bother me too much.)

Though, admittedly, their relationship seemed strained all last season, Tara and Sookie easily seemed to pick up where they left off, gossiping like school girls, while making plans to eat ice cream and talk about boys. . . and girls.  But, of course, Sookie was a bit distracted by her new beau, to truly give proper attention to her best girl.  After all, Eric had clearly been making himself at home in her house by: cleaning out her refrigerator . . .

Coincidentally, this is EXACTLY how my fridge looks . . .

 . . . and purchasing new “furniture.”

“Hmmm . . . I just kind of hoped assumed he would sleep in my bed.”

Desperate to nip this Eric Thing in the ass bud, Sookie promptly bids adieu to her bestie, and heads over to Fangtasia.

Vampires Eat Who they Want

If Sookie thought she was going to get sympathy from Vampire Pam or Vampire Jessica for her “awful plight of having a Hot Viking Vamp in her bed,” she was wrong.  The Fangtasia vamps have their own problems, having to “hold their fangs” every day, among dump species-ist picketers, who will jump at the chance to catch a vampire behaving badly on camera, so that they can post it on YouTube . . .

Vampire Pam has absolutely no interest in helping Sookie out of her little jam.  Instead, she instructs her to “consider his offer.”  And why not?  Eric is good looking, rich, and “cares about [Sookie] . . . he really does.”

So, why not let Eric play with Sookie’s puppet strings, every once in a while, if it means keeping her safe?  Pam wonders.  “My Fairy Princess . . . you are going to have to be somebody’s, or you won’t BE,” Pam tells her, in no uncertain terms.

“Dance puppet . . . DANCE!”

The thought of being Eric’s puppet for all eternity makes Sookie have to pee.  So, off to the bathroom she rushes.  In there she finds Vampire Jess biting a dude who is most definitely NOT HOYT!

Apparently, Hoyt’s comment that he “doesn’t do that sh*t,” when Jess offered to heal his wound with her blood made the Baby Vamp MAD . . . HORNY MAD!

“Grrr!  I’m so mad at you, I could have sex with this guy, right in the public restroom!”

When Sookie attempts to offer Jess some “maternal” advice about who she should and shouldn’t be biting, Baby Vamp basically throws a “You’re not my Mommy,” back in her face.  Even though I’m NOT a Vampire Bill fan, at all, I kind of like how Jess feels enough of a kinship with him, to be angry at Sookie on his behalf for dumping him.  It shows a fierce loyalty on her part.  Of course, it wouldn’t hurt, if she spared some of that loyalty for her own boyfriend.  “I’ll eat who I want,” pouts Jessica, as she stomps out of the bathroom.

HELLO AMNESIA ERIC!  (We’ve been waiting for you!)

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Based on the events of this episode, I would say we definitely have BILL to thank for bringing Amnesia Eric to life.  Now, whether he KNEW what was going to happen to Eric (he did have a spy in Marnie’s Coven, after all), and did it intentionally, to get revenge on his frenemy for “buying Sookie” remains to be seen.  Anywhoo, we see that Big Bad King Bill has summoned Eric to his castle.

Bill wonders if Eric would be willing to reconsider his purchase of Sookie’s home and the promise of hours and hours of mindblowing shower sex in her newly renovated bathroom .  Eric says (more or less), “Heck NO, King Chump!  You’ve had your chance with the Fairy Princess.  It’s my turn, now!”

“Yes . . . I’m awesome.  I know it.”

King Bill informs Eric that the new coven in town practices “necromancy.”  In other words, they have the power to control the dead . . . which, of course, includes vampires.  Eric boredly offers to get Pam on the case, reminding Bill that he is MUCH older and hotter than Bill, and therefore knows better the risk these witches can cause.  But Bill, who might suspect what will become of Eric later in the episode demands that Eric put a stop to the coven’s evil doings HIMSELF. (SO BOSSY!)

Cut to the coven meeting . . .

Hello, GORGEOUS!

Lafayette and Jesus are there.  And Tara is there too.  She’s not down with the whole Creepy Wiccan thing, and would much prefer to read Good Housekeeping instead.  (Hmmm . . . I wonder if they have any good Cage Fighting tips in there.)

Marnie spends most of the meeting rudely not talking to any of her followers, until suddenly she perks up and decides that, since the clan has graduated from bringing dead birds to life, the next stop is DEAD HUMANS!

Enter, one very sexy Dead Human . . .

“Y’all looking for a Dead Body?”  Eric inquires, doing his best interpretation of a Country Bumpkin. 

Eric then spots Good Ole Laffy in the crowd, and gives him a seductive wink for old times sake.  “Oh, Lafayette.  I didn’t know you were a witch.”

“Oh, honey!  I will be whatever you want me to be.”

Eric tells Marnie in no uncertain terms that their coven is not to convene ever again.  And if it tries to do so, he will find out about it, because “[he] is everywhere.”  (Oh, if only he were.)  Ignoring Eric’s orders, Marnie instructs the coven to join hands and begin chanting.  Eric then lunges for her, taking a big chunk out of her neck.  Enter Cage Fighter Tara, always one to rescue the weak and feeble-minded.  Unfortunately, even her Bad Assedness is no match for the Big Bad Viking Vamp . . .

“Wow, that is quite a grip you have.  No wonder Sookie can’t resist you.”

Ever the good cousin, Lafayette, who, up to this point, hasn’t been joining in the Wiccan games begins chanting alongside his coven mates, in hopes of rescuing Tara.  Just like last time, Lafayette’s chanting, combined with the rest of the group, has an effect on Marnie.  Like a woman possessed (which, of course, she is), her eyes glow, and she starts chanting in Latin.  Oh, she also gets a much prettier face . . . for like two seconds . . .

“Hey, it’s cheaper than plastic surgery!”

“Hey, she’s kind of sexy.  I’d hit that.”

A bewildered Eric walks off in a daze, making sure to take off his shirt and jacket as he leaves.  (Why?  Because he loves his fans, that’s why!  Does there have to be a logical / plot-oriented reason?)

Cut to a few moments later . . .  Sookie is driving in her cute little yellow car, when she finds a cute little Half-Naked Eric wandering in the woods.

“Hey Roomie!  What’s for dinner?  Aside from ME of course!”

“Excuse me, miss.  I seem to have lost my cool black jacket.  Could you help me find it?  I think it’s hiding in my pants.” 

When Eric claims not to know Sookie at all, she assumes he’s kidding around with her . . . that is . . . until he looks her right in the eye, and says this:  “Why do you smell so good?”

That’s right, Fangbangers!  Amnesia Eric is here to stay . . . and he’s in desperate need of a shower!

See ya next week, Tiny Humans!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Sookie in Wonderland – A Recap of True Blood’s Season 4 Premiere “She’s Not There”

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You’re not dreaming, my fellow Fangbangers!  True Blood is back on your television, and it’s weirder, wackier, more bizarre, and — if that final scene was any indication — SEXIER than ever!

Season 4’s premiere episode definitely had a different feel than the three seasons premieres preceding it.  Unlike the last two season openers, which began almost immediately, after the prior seasons ended, “She’s Not There” took a page out of the Sookie Stackhouse Book Series, in that it takes place ONE WHOLE YEAR after the Season 3 finale.  This gives the viewer, who ALSO hasn’t been to Bon Temp in about a year, the feeling that he or she watching the episode take place in “real time,” so to speak.

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“If we drive fast enough (and don’t stop for gas . . . ahem), we can make it home in time for the season premiere.”

Another “page” Alan Ball took out of the books this time around, was its narrative perspective.  One of the main differences between the Sookie Stackhouse BOOKS and True Blood is that, while the former is written in Sookie’s voice (shrill, as it may sometimes be) . . .  the latter is told from a third-person omniscient standpoint, allowing the viewer to see and know plenty of things that Sookie doesn’t.  Here, however, because both Sookie AND the viewer have been gone for a year, we’ve ALL been left in the dark, as to what’s been happening in Bon Temps, while we’ve been away.  As a result, throughout the first episode, we are learning all the CRAZY, SOMETIMES RIDICULOUSLY OUT OF CHARACTER, changes Sookie’s friends have undergone this past year, right along with Sookie, herself.  And most of the time, it leaves us just as confused as she is . . .

Given all these aforementioned book / television similarities, it might surprise you to know that, based on the premiere episode, Season 4 of True Blood might end up being the season that takes the BIGGEST departure from the book series yet.  And the best example of that is probably the COMPLETELY wackadoodle manner in which the episode begins . . .

“I see Queen Mab hath been with you, Sookeh!”

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“Why do I feel like I just walked into a commercial for feminine products?”

Coming into the episode, most of us Fangbangers had already seen the extremely controversial first eight minutes of this episode, as HBO had (unwisely?) released it to fans a few weeks before the series premiere.  I’ll come right out of the gate, and tell you I wasn’t particularly thrilled with it.  While I understand the writers might have seen this as the best way to keep Sookie out of commission for a year, while drawing on an element of the True Blood mythology we haven’t learned much about yet, I just found the scene itself strange, oddly derivative (the Lotus Eaters and Romeo and Juliet references were eyeroll inducing) . . .

 . . .  and sorely lacking the fun, humor, creativity, sexuality, and camp, we have come to expect from True Blood.

*takes deep breath*  OK . . . now that I got that off my chest, let’s frolic a bit in Fairyland, shall we?

When we last left Sookie, she was running in the forest, when Fairy Girl Claudine beamed her up into Fairy World . . .

You can fly.  You can fly.  You can FLYYYYYYYY!

As I mentioned earlier, at first blush, Fairyland looks like a cross between Ancient Greece and a Tampon Commerical.   Sookie and Claudine arrive there in a flash of light, and everybody applauds.  (They probably think Vampire Eric or Jason will follow behind them.  Unfortunately, they don’t . . .I don’t know about the fairies, but if I was there, I’d probably feel majorly ripped off.)

 Claudine then informs Sookie that she is her Fairy Godmother.  Of course, Sookie, being Sookie, is not shy about telling her “new friend” how much she sucks at her job.  Given all the crap Sookie has been through during the past three seasons, fans are inclined to agree with her assessment.

“Next time, try hiding her in a pumpkin.”

While in Fairyland, Sookie runs into good ole’ Barry the Bellhop.  Remember him?  The dweeby fellow mindreader she met in Dallas during Season 2?  Apparently, he’s part fairy too.  But honestly, I was so mesmerized by the hot piece of man meat who functions as HIS fairy godmotherfather? that I wasn’t paying attention to poor Barry at all .  . .

Apparently, Sookie was in the bathroom, during the Fairy Godmother selection process . . .

Barry starts blabbing to Sookie about how TOTALLY RAD Fairyland is, as its the only place that doesn’t make him feel like a “Total Freak.”  (Umm . . . hate to break it to you, Barry.  Your best friend is a Fairy Godmother, who wears a loin cloth and a sparkly gold vest.  You’re kind of a Total Freak, anyway.)  When Sookie asks Barry how long he’s been in Fairyland, he says he “just got there,” a statement we will come to question in just a few more minutes . . .

As the two are talking, Sookie notices that all the fairies are handing out these strange glowing lotus flowers fruits called Lumineres(?), and all the humans are mindlessly gorging themselves on them.  This sends off warning bells in Skeptical Sookie’s head, and she holds on to hers, without taking a bite.  Meanwhile, Sookie encounters another familiar face Gary Cole Grandaddy Earl, and, by golly, he hasn’t aged a bit since Sookie last saw him. (Gasp!  Maybe he’s a VAMPIRE!)

He did manage to get rid of those pesky squiggly lines around his head though . . .

Granddaddy Earl is SUPER surprised to see Sookie looking all grown-up and sporting boobies, considering he was just at her seventh birthday party.  “That was twenty years ago, Grandaddy!”  Sookie exclaims.

“HUH!” Grandaddy Earl says.  “But I JUST GOT HERE!”  (See what I mean?  Who KNOWS how long Barry the Bellhop has been hanging out with Conan the Hot-barian?)

Now, if you thought THAT conversation was awkward, wait until you see what Sookie has to tell Grandaddy next . . .

“I’m sorry Granddaddy, but that ugly shirt you’re wearing wasn’t even in style, 20 years ago.”

Granddaddy wants to know if his wife, Adele, had a “PEACEFUL” death  . . .

 

Ummm . . .

“She died peaceful,” replies Sookie.  (No sense reopening old bludgeonings, right?)

Considering that Granddaddy Earl, like Sookie, is seemingly capable of mind reading (guess, in the TV series, at least, he is part-fairy too), you would think he might have pulled the above gory image out of Sookie’s brain.  But, fortunately, for him, he didn’t.  Sookie is able to use their mutual mind-reading powers to tell him that Fairyland is a trap, and that they have to leave.  The problem?  ALL FAIRIES HEAR WHAT SHE IS THINKING!

Enter the Big Bad Fairy Queen . .  .

Her name is Queen Mab . . . like in Shakespeare?  (Lame . . . I know.)  Anyway, apparently, she’s a little pissed at Sookie for that time when Vampire BEEEL accidentally got stuck in Fairyland, after chasing Sookie there, last season.

Now, she wants to close off the portal between Fairyland and Humanland, so her fairies will finally stop f*&king humans, and making fairy / human hybirds, like Barry, Sookie, and Granddaddy Earl.  Oh yeah . . . she’s also keeping the hybrid humans in Fairyland so she can .  . . HARVEST THEM?

Well, Sookie, for one, is not down with this harvesting sh*t!  And she doesn’t want to eat any stupid lotus flowers glowing fruit, either.  So,  she tosses the fruit on the floor.  And somehow, this action, causes the TRUE Fairyland to emerge from the Tampon Commercial Version.

 

When did I stop watching True Blood, and start watching The Walking Dead?

So, fairies are apparently SUPER ugly in real life.  And Queen Mab is THE UGLIEST OF ALL!

Coincidentally, this is sort of what I look like in the morning, before I put on my makeup . . .

Sookie shoots her magic glow fingers at Queen Mab, which, oddly enough, considering you would think ALL the fairies had glow fingers, seems to work.  Then her and Grandaddy Earl start running away from Fairyland, as the rest of the fairies throw bolts of light in their direction.  As they are running they meet Claudine’s brother, Claude, who claims to genuinely want to help them, escape, and keep the portal between HumanLand and Fairyland open.  In the books, Claude is described as breathtakingly gorgeous.

Ahhhh . . . did I miss something here?

“Hot” Claude, Granddaddy and Sookie continue to run together until they reach a metaphoric fork in the road  . . .

OK . . .  maybe it’s not so metaphorical.

Claude tells Sookie that Queen Mab is closing off the portal (possibly for good).  So, if Sookie wants out, she’s going to have to jump.  And because, ONLY SHE, and NOT Granddaddy Earl refrained from eating the lotus flower Luminere (?) fruit, she’s going to have to jump alone.  Sookie hesitates initially, because . . . well . . . that doesn’t look so safe.  But, fortunately, Granddaddy Earl pushes her down the “Rabbit Hole,” ignoring Claude’s warnings, by going along for the ride . . .

As the pair “land” back in the cemetery, both Bill and Eric awaken simultaneously, upon sensing Sookie’s presence on Earth, once again .  . .

Wake up, Eric!  Your future F*&k Buddy has arrived!  (And, no, unfortunately, I’m not talking about myself.)

Sadly for Granddaddy Earl, his decision to leave Fairyland has resulted in his imminent death, but not before he gives Sookie his pocket watch, as a gift for Jason.  Earl disappears from Sookie’s life, literally.  And she is forced to mourn his passing yet again.  It all makes for an odd, strange, and sad first ten minutes of the episode.

But fear not Fangbangers, things are about to get better . . .

Cuff Me, Police Officer Jason!  (Preferably to a bed . . . and YOU.)

“You are under arrest.  Up against the wall and SPREAD EM!”

Sookie arrives home to find her house all fixed up and fancy.  Apparently, it’s undergoing renovations, and the contractor performing them, refuses to believe she LIVES THERE.  In fact, he’s so sure she doesn’t that he CALLS THE COPS ON HER ASS.  Thinking absolutely nothing of the fact that her HOUSE HAS COMPLETELY CHANGED, Sookie sits down at her kitchen table, reads the inscription from Adele on her grandpa’s pocket watch, and cries, in a manner highly reminiscent of her Season 1 breakdown, after Adele’s funeral.

Then the cops come . . . or should I say the SUPER HOT COP comes . . .

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OK . . . now I know that last season, Jason was riding around in cop cars, following Andy around, and genuinely wanting to be a police officer.  He even took the cop exam, for crying out loud!  But forgive me for thinking that the only time we would ever actually see Jason in a cop uniform would be as a stripper at a bachelorette party . . .

So, color me surprised to find out that Jason (and his SUPER TIGHT POLICE PANTS) has been called to Sookie’s house, while  on duty, to investigate a trespassing call.  Sookie is pretty shocked too, and even more shocked to learn that Jason PUT HER HOUSE UP FOR SALE, because she’s been gone for TWELVE MONTHS!

Time flies when you’re hanging out with the flipping fairies, I guess!  At first, Jason doesn’t exactly believe Sookie’s explanation as to where she’s been all this time.  (He’d always kind of been convinced that Bill killed her.)  However, Jason eventually comes around when Sookie gives him the pocketwatch from Granddaddy.   And suddenly, this show has gone from Tampon Commercial, to The Walking Dead, to Alice in Wonderland, to a Hallmark Commercial, and we aren’t even past the 15-minute mark yet . . .

“This is exhausting!  I’m not sure how I’m going to make it through the rest of this episode.  You know what would help though?  SEX WITH ERIC!”

Speaking of the  Beautiful Viking Vampire (and that Other One) .  . .

“I Never Gave Up Hope (that we would some day get to reenact the shower scene from Book 4)“

“Beat it, Beeeeel!  This is MY season!”

Sookie’s and Jason’s kind of maudlin, would be way more interesting if Jason was shirtless during it touching heart-to-heart is rudely interrupted by the arrival of Vampire Bill (a.k.a. Beeeeeeeeel) on her doorstep . . .

Beel is all needy and apologetic.  “Oh, how I’ve missed you.  I haven’t felt your presence in a year.  I’ve been empty without you.  Now, people can finally stop saying I killed you.  I’m so sorry I hurt you, blah, blah, blah . . .”

You are putting everybody to sleep, BEEL!

Fortunately, Eric arrives on Sookie’s porch to spice things up . . . 

Not yet . . . BUT SOON!

Unlike BEEL, Eric never doubted that Sookie would one day return to his bed Bon Temps.  “I never gave up hope,” he says.  “Understand this . . . everyone who claims to love you: your friends, your brother, even Bill Compton, gave up on you.  I never did.”

It’s an AWESOME opening speech for Mr. Northman.  And Bill can’t help but look guilty as he says it, knowing full well that what he’s saying is true.   Even Sookie, though she tries to hide it, seems affected by the speech.  Then again, maybe she is just remembering ANOTHER sexually intense encounter she had with Eric on this very same porch, just last year . . .

Enter Andy Bellefleur . . .

He’s EXTREMELY ANGRY at Sookie for wasting Bon Temp’s finest’s time searching for her, while she was presumed dead.  Vampire Bill, who’s in the doghouse enough as it is, tries to cover for Sookie, claiming she was away on “Vampire Business” . . .

.  . . which only seems to make things worse for both of them.  After everybody leaves the porch, Sookie tells Bill that, even though a year has passed in Humanland, little time has passed in Sookiehead.  Therefore, the wounds of learning that Bill MANIPULATED SOOKIE INTO FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM, IN ORDER TO GET HER TO DO QUEEN SOPHIE ANNE’S BIDDING are still quite fresh.  Sorry Beel!  No more graveyard sex, for you . . .

Also in this scene, we learn that (1) Andy and Jason are now partners; (2) Andy has been taking V for “medicinal” purposes to help heal his broken arm; and (3) he’s apparently developed a nasty addiction to the stuff.  After so many seasons of seeing Andy “father” the often naive and immature Jason, it was intriguing to see the tables turned, for a change.

After all, if ANYBODY knows what it’s like to be addicted to V, it’s Jason Stackhouse . . .

Remember the Unfortunate Priapism Incident of Season 1?

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Jason does!

Speaking of bromance . . .

Where Old Air Fresheners Go to Die . . .

There’s been somewhat of a mixed response on the message boards, regarding Lafayette’s NEW ‘DO.  Some think it’s “super sexy.”  I think it makes him look like Mr. T . . .

“I pity the fool, who tries to rock this look.”

A year may have passed.  However, Lafayette (or, as I like to call him, My Laffy Taffy . . . or Laffy, for short) and Jesus are still going strong.  But trouble for the couple is looming on the horizon, as Jesus becomes increasingly insistent on Laffy “embracing his witchy roots” and joining Jesus’s coven.  Lafayette reluctantly agrees to go . . . but only for five minutes.  “Ten, if they got drinks,” he adds.  (I KNEW I LIKED THIS GUY, FOR A REASON!)

The coven meeting place reminds me of one of those stores in the mall, where they sell bongs, and peace signs t-shirts.  It’s dank, and dark, and looks like it smells of incense, mildew, and body odor.  The stench of the place emmanates from your television screen.  No wonder Lafayette remarks that this is a place where air fresheners go to die . . .

There are hugs all around, as Jesus introduces Lafayette to the rest of the Motley witch crew.  One of the coven members, is Holly, who you may remember from last season as the Witchy Waitress who tried to perform a spell to kill Arlene’s unborn Devil Baby.  And we all know how well THAT worked out . . .

I sure hope you are better at serving burgers than doing this . . .

The “head” of this coven is a frumpy, doubty, scatterbrained, 50ish coot, named Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter “Marnie.”

Definitely a Deatheater!

Marnie starts moaning, mumbling, chanting, and pretty much looking like your run-of-the-mill Faux Psychic Carnival Kook.  However, things take a turn for the weird / unusual / mildly confusing, when she starts calling out for our Laffy, claiming to be Vampire Eddie from Season 1.  She offers Mohawk Man a rose, and pretty much just shamelessly hits on him, in a way that only Vampire Eddie could . . .

Remember me?

Lafayette is understandably freaked out by the whole “Eddie” thing, but still fairly skeptical of Marnie’s Magical Powers.  In fact, he’s pretty much convinced that Jesus set up the whole thing.  The problem, of course, is that Jesus didn’t know anything about Vampire Eddie. 

I don’t guys, if I were you, I’d stick to the Ouiji Board . . .

Speaking of Dangerous Games . . .

Decapitating Barbies, Mutilating Animals, and Other Signs Your Kid Might Be Evil

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Arlene comes home from work to find Baby Mikey sitting on the floor amidst a whole boatload of headless Barbie dolls.  (How creative?)  This only seems to confirm for Arlene that her Baby is Serial Killer Rene Reincarnated.

Terry, who was in the bathroom, while his infant son was busy murdering the entire Mattel family, doesn’t think there is anything wrong with his son’s new hobby.  “When I was a kid I used to put squirrel heads on lizards,” he remarks helpfully.

Ummm . . . yeah . . . that’s kind of /sort of A LOT WORSE than pulling the heads off Barbie dolls, isn’t it? 

It’s always the quiet ones you have to worry about.  (Then again, maybe it’s just the quiet ones, who come with Warning Labels.)

I must admit, I laughed uproariously when Terry told Arlene that her baby HAD to be good, if it had part of HER DNA in it.  Really, Terry?  Because, last I checked, Arlene was a pretty darn awful person . . . racist, self-absorbed, narrow-minded, obnoxious, a kind of lousy mom .  . . Do I need to continue?  At least, Rene was SMART.  (I mean he faked that really cool accent for an entire season, didn’t he?)

Speaking of taking heads off ladies . . .

Tara Thornton Kicks Ass, Takes Names . . . Changes Teams?

After having been beaten down by her own mother, possessed by a maenad, emotionally destroyed by the death of her first love, and abused by Crazy Train Vampire Franklin . . .

. . . Tara kind of went off the rails a bit, at the end of Season 3.  The last time we saw her, she had chopped off all her hair, and was heading out of Bon Temps to Parts Unknown.  When we see Tara again, she is fighting in a cage match, and beating the stuffing out of some chick named Naomi. 

Apparently, all this beating is a HUGE turn on for Tara (yeah, because THAT’S not unhealthy at all), because, in the next scene, we see her making out hard core with SAME girl she was beating senseless before . . .

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While the pair are making out, some drunk pervy creeper in a long trench coat, propositions them for sex.  Naomi wants to immediately kick his ass, but TARA STOPS HER, and calmly tells the guy off. 

For me, the fact that Tara is able to calmly talk to ANYBODY is WAY more shocking than her newfound interest in the ladies.  In a later sex scene between the two toned chicas, we learn that Tara has lied to Naomi about her past.  She now goes by the androgynous name of “Toni,” and claims to hail from Atlanta.  After Lafayette texts her to let her know that Sookie is back in town, she fibs to Naomi that her grandmother just died.  Then, when Naomi tells her she should go “home” to be with her family, Tara refuses, arguing that she is better off where she is now.  She then returns to the task of fondling Naomi’s large (but miraculously still perky) boobs .  . .

How to Make an Omelete – Vampire Style

The Honeymoon Period is clearly over for lovebirds, Hoyt and Jess.  She seems bored and listless.  He’d rather hug creepy bald dolls in front of the television after work, than have sex with his hot vampire girlfriend.  Hoyt complains to Jessica that there is never any food in the house, because she never cooks for him.  As someone who’s idea of “cooking,” is poking a hole in the plastic wrap on my Lean Cuisine, before popping it in the microwave, I’m TOTALLY on Team Jess for this one. 

It is seriously not fair, how flawless she looks.  It makes the rest of us females look like . . . Queen Mab.

Jess reminds Hoyt that, as a vampire, she finds food gross, and, oddly enough, dead.  To her, going to the Piggly Wiggly is like going to the morgue.  (I’d probably feel that way too, if my local grocery store was actually called the Piggly Wiggly.)  Hoyt responds with, what I think, is an unnecessarily low blow, by telling her that he thinks her biting him and sucking his blood is equally gross, but he deals with it.

OK Hoyt . . . just so we’re clear . . . getting love bites from your supermodel girlfriend is SEXY AS HELL, and don’t you forget it!

Nonetheless, Jessica responds by agreeing to make Hoyt some scrambled eggs.  And by “make some scrambled eggs,” I mean she angrily breaks an entire carton of eggs over a frying pan (making sure to leave in all the shells), stirs it furiously, and plops it on a plate in front of her honey.  Now, I’ve been mad at Hoyt for the past few minutes.  But he earns major points for me by ACTUALLY EATING THE SLOP off his plate!

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The brazen stunt must have won points with Jess too, because, before you know it, the two are laughing uproariously over the broken eggs.

“Am I the only one who finds that personally offensive?”

In other Diplomacy News . . .

“We always look forward to serving humans . . . and I don’t mean for dinner.”

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Apparently, Russell Edgington has gone and given Southern vampires a bad name.  Gee, I wonder why . . .

Head of the Vampire council, Nan Flanaghan, is determined to do some damage control, and that means requiring prominent vampires in the community to reassure humans that they will not punch their fists through their back, and rip out their hearts, just because THEY CAN. 

Nan puts Pam on camera first.  However, since the latter isn’t exactly Miss Congeniality, the PSA comes off as a bit stale and phony.  (By the way, anyone notice a bit of love/hate sexual tension between Pam and Nan?  I’m sensing a hookup later this season!)  Fortunately, Nan has other ideas, regarding how to put a better “face” on vampirism.  “He’s who I want,” remarks Nan, pointing at Eric.  (Don’t we all, Nan.  Don’t we all!)

With a boatload of confidence and a sexy swagger to boot, Eric playfully removes Pam’s microphone from her neck, flicks her hair, and takes her place on the hot seat . . .

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Eric expertly plays to the masses, calling himself a taxpaying small business owner (not a politician), who understands humans, because he used to be one.  He then promises to continue to serve humans at Fangtasia . . . but not for dinner.  It’s a great speech, and Eric’s sexy smile at the end, seals the deal.  How ANYBODY could hate vampires, after spending three minutes staring at Eric Northman’s face is beyond me.  (I couldn’t even remember my name, by the time he was done.)

Meanwhile, Vampire Bill was making a similar stump speech for the older, more conservative crowd, in Bon Temps.  His speech, appealed to their sense of history, their fear of change, and their desire to stick to the status quo.  It was Southern Gentleman Bill at his most boring best.  One not-so-old person who seemed to genuinely enjoy Vampire Bill’s speech was Portia Bellefleur.  Andy’s sister just so happens to be a local attorney, and head of the chamber of commerce.  Throughout the entire speech, she was eye f*&king Vampire Bill so hard, I thought she would give birth to vampire babies right there in the audience.

“Oooh . . . tell me more about the Civil War, Vampire Bill!  It is SO SEXY!”

Our suspicions about a possible romantic involvement between Portia and Bill are confirmed, when Portia meets with Sookie later to help her get her house back from the company that has been prepping it for sale.  During the conversation, Sookie reads Portia’s thoughts, and they are basically one continuous string of “BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL.”

To each her own, I guess . . .

Speaking of men, who may have temporarily moved on from trying to get into Sookie Stackhouse’s panties . . .

Sam Merlotte – Mad Like a Bull, Hung Like a Horse

Over at Merlotte’s everyone is thrilled about Sookie’s return . . .  except Sam.  He’s just PISSED.  We find him griping at Poor Sookie, about how selfish she was for, you know, almost dying and stuff.  (Granted, Bill’s dumb as dogsh*t “Vampire Business” excuse hasn’t put Sookie in the best light.  But STILL . . .  Girlfriend’s been gone for a year.  Pull your thong out of your ass, Sam!)  “A lot has changed around here, since you’ve been gone,” whines Sam.

“Yeah, you’ve gotten a lot more prickly,” replies Sookie.

As it turns out, a lot HAS changed in Sam’s life since he SHOT HIS HALF BROTHER in a drunken rage, last season . . .

Tommy Boy is now permanently disabled . . . has a TERRIBLE Elvis Presley Haircut . . . and currently lives with . . . MAXINE FORTENBERRY?

A lot of people thought the union of Maxine and Tommy was weird, and kind of creepy.  It ABSOLUTELY IS!  However, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. 

Maxine is a woman who doesn’t feel whole, if she doesn’t have a boy in her life to baby and boss around.  Now that her son Hoyt has up and left her for Jessica, Maxine is in desperate need of a surrogate son.  Enter Tommy, an illiterate disabled kid, from a broken home, who can’t read, and can’t take care of himself.  He’s Maxine’s dream come true!    From Tommy’s perspective, all he’s ever really wanted in life was acceptance and shelter, anyway.  It’s why he stuck by his trailer trash parents for as long as he did, and why he put up with all Sam’s emotionally abusive B.S.

Sure, Maxine Fortenberry is an overbearing, narrow-minded, prejudiced biatch, with no qualms about talking about Tushy Cushions in a public area, but she’s all Tommy has, right now . . . Of course, the minute Maxine finds out Tommy is a shapeshifter, in love with a vampire, she will probably kick him to the curb.  But for now, they are just one big happy family.

And yet, seeing Tommy with Maxine only serves to piss off Sam (who, more or less, created this situation) even more.  This is part of the reason Sam attends “anger management” with a group of people who all just so happen to be shapeshifters.  They meet up once a week, drink, talk about their problems, and . . . TURN INTO STALLIONS?

One of the members of this “group” just so happens to be school teacher, Luna, who Sam was eyeballing and smirking at the ENTIRE scene . . . Yep, we all know where THIS is going . . .

Witchcraft is for the Birds . . .

Lafayette is having a bad day.  A V-ed up Andy Bellefleur just physically accosted him, looking for vampire blood on “official police business,” not realizing that Laffy doesn’t deal anymore.  Fortunately, Jason was there to rescue our boy from getting his ass kicked.  But the loyal police partner insisted that Lafayette not breathe a word of Bellefleur’s obvious drug addiction to ANYONE.

So, our hero decides to chill out with a nice fun-filled evening of hokey witchcraft.  This week, Marnie’s bird, Minerva (McGonagal?) has died . . .

She wants the witchy crew to help send Minerva’s spirit to heaven (or whatever version of the Great Beyond thte Wiccans believe in).  She starts off chanting a very PC- funeral-esque type prayer for Minerva.  But then, something comes over her, and the words of the prayer change.  Now, she no longer wants to send the bird’s soul into the great beyond.  She now aims to BRING IT BACK TO LIFE!

The witches in the circle all look a bit confused, and freaked out.   Nevertheless, they comply with their “leader’s” wishes . . . all except Lafayette, who would much rather be home dancing . . .

When she notices that he is not participating, Marnie screams at Lafayette to join in.  Eventually, he does . . .

Then, it happens.  The bird comes BACK TO LIFE . . . for about 6 seconds . . . and  . . . it dies again. (Kind of like Granddaddy Earl.)

“I’m sorry that after all that trouble you went to, your bird is still dead,” Lafayette offers politely.

“It doesn’t matter,” says Marnie callously.

“Yeah, real nice, MARNIE!  You’ll be sorry!  I’ll get you, my witchy . . . and your Little Laffy Taffy TOO!”

After the witchy meeting, one of the witches, heads to a newly renovated Vampire Bill’s house to report on what has been happening at the coven meetings.  (Ooh .  . . an undercover witch . . . I like it).  She’s all sweet and super polite to him, referring to him as “Majesty.”  At first, I thought it was just a term of endearment. 

“Your Majesty is the name I like to call my weiner.”

But based on next week’s previews, it’s much more than that. You see,  BILL COMPTON IS APPARENTLY THE KING OF LOUISIANA!

Does that mean Queen Sophie Anne DIED in her battle with Bill at the end of last season?

Anti-climactic much?

Tune in next week to find out . . .

Speaking of mutiny . . .

What Every Woman Wants for Christmas:  Jason Stackhouse in a Box

I thought martyrs got to be shirtless . . .

That’s better!

When we last left the inbred, meth head, werepanther, community of hotshot, the police force had just shot their leader Calvin Norris.  Crystal begged her new beau Jason to save these dirty uneducated freaks, so he decided to become their leader. 

Oh, Jason, you can do SO much better!

Except, eventually some time during the course of the year, the “leader” became more of an “absentee landlord,” dropping by every so often to give the community food, and the bare necessities of life.  While making one of his weekly dropoffs, Jason learns that the ONE COOLER in the entire community is broken.  But when he goes to investigate, one of the older Hotshot Kids bashes Jason over the head with a tire iron, and LOCKS HIM IN THE COOLER!

NOT COOL INBRED KID!  No one puts my Jason on ice, without taking his clothing off first answering to ME!

Meanwhile, over at Fangtasia . . .

Pam and Jessica – Bathroom Buddies For Life

After the Great Egg Fight of 2011, Jess and Hoyt decide to cut loose at the local vampire bar.  Admittedly, Jess is a bit better at “cutting loose” than Hoyt . . .

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Remind you of anyone?

While Hoyt is at the bar getting Jess a drink, a VERY SEXY ADMIRER approaches, and hits on Jess the way ONLY men who KNOW they are super attractive can . . .

HELLO RANDY WAYNE!

Super Cute Fangbanger offers Jess his body and his blood, in no uncertain terms.  Jess loyally turns the guy down, telling him that she has a boyfriend, but you can tell she’s a bit reluctant about doing so.  Super Cute Fangbanger can tell too, which is why he continues to eye f*&k Jess, while she dances with Hoyt.

The eyef*&king gets Jess SO hot and bothered that she has to escape to the bathroom to keep from jumping at Super Cute Fangbangers neck.  Ever the pot-stirrer, Pam follows Jess to the bathroom, under the pretense of concern for her well being.  “We were worried about you . . . not really,” she snarks.

Pam then proceeds to call Jessica out on the part SHE has been playing in the eye-f*&king with Super Cute Fangbanger.  In a decidedly ANTI-PAPA BILL moment, Pam encourages Jessica to escape from “married life” with Hoyt, and start to embrace her vampire hunter instincts, before she explodes.  Jessica responds by basically telling Pam she’s jealous that Jess has found love and she hasn’t, before storming out of the bathroom.  This is Pam’s response . . .

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LOVE HER!

And finally . . .

“YOU ARE MINE!”

What follows of course, is my FAVORITE scene in the entire premiere episode, for a few reasons:

(1) it involves Sookie and Eric (duh);

(2) it is EXTREMELY EROTIC;

(3) it involves Eric outsmarting Sookie (always a treat); and

(4) it reminds me of one of my favorite scenes from ANOTHER well-known vampire show . . .

Basically, what I’m saying is that I like when hot guys sneak into my bedroom late at night, and dangle long objects in front of me . . . and all that statement implies.

We see Sookie in her bedroom, fresh out of the shower, and clad in her bathrobe.  She turns, sighs, and lets it fall from her body . . .

Well, that’s one way to keep your room clean.  Ladies and gentleman, Eric Northman has entered the building!

I think my FAVORITE part of the scene (even better than the key-dangling part, which I will get to in a bit), is the growl / groan of arousal Eric makes upon seeing Sookie’s naked form for the first time.  He remarks on what a strange, yet satisfying, sensation it is to know that his nightly dreams of her body measure up to the reality. 

Gulp!

Though she would clearly like to be, Sookie is clearly not immune to Eric’s charms.  Anna Paquin portrays Sookie perfectly here, as a woman who is simultaneously, aroused, repulsed, confused, and frightened by the Viking Vampire in her home . . . but IS IT HER HOME?

Sookie, at first, wonders whether she is dreaming, but realizes that she can’t be, as, after a year, Eric’s blood is no longer in her system (which, doesn’t exactly explain, how BOTH Bill and Eric were able to use their blood bond with Sookie to pinpoint the exact time of her return to Earth).  The obvious next question, of course, is how Eric managed to enter Sookie’s house, considering the last time he was there she had rescinded his invitation. 

“You don’t own this house, anymore . . . I own it . .  . which means I also own YOU,” Eric explains, detailing how his certainty that Sookie would one day return to Bon Temps influenced him to make this purchase.

Eric is IMPRESSED.

I mentioned Anna Paquin’s acting skills in this scene, but Alexander Skarsgard’s are notable here too.  The way he looks at Sookie with complete desire, intermingled with smugness over finally having the upper hand in their relationship, and confidence in the disarming effect he is having over her, is Pure Panty-Dropping Perfection.  Add to that the surprising vulnerability of the words he utters next, “You don’t have power over me, anymore,” (which, implies, of course, that she HAD power over him, to begin with, and undoubtedly still does) . . . and  . . . well . .  . I think I just became pregnant.

Of course, I would be remiss if I didn’t end this story, by cluing you in to Eric’s FINAL words to Sookie, the ones we have been waiting to hear him say to her for an entire year . . . the words that Vampire Bill says ALL THE TIME, but somehow they are SO MUCH SEXIER when Eric says them . . .

Wait for it . . .

*faints*

And there you have it, my fellow Fangbangers, the very first True Blood episode of the fourth season.  So .  . . don’t leave me hanging . . . TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

True Blood Season 4 – Spoilers, Speculation, Screencaps, Shirtlessness, and SERIC!

Greetings, Fangbangers!  It’s about that time again!  Summer is almost here!  You know how I can tell it’s almost summer time?  By looking at a calendar, DUH!    Because all the stars on my television screen have suspiciously stopped wearing clothing . . .

SOOKIE:  “You know, it’s really rude to walk around looking all perfect, like that.  All you are doing is making me want to jump your bones the boys with normal-looking bodies feel bad!”

But summer time isn’t just about walking around naked.  (Well . . . it’s MOSTLY about walking around naked.)  It’s also about watching QUALITY summer programming (while naked . . . of course)!  You know, there was a time, not too long ago, when the phrase “Quality Summer Programming” was an oxymoron.  But, thanks in a large part to cable channels like HBO, AMC, Showtime, and . . . yes . . .even ABC Family, serious Summer TV isn’t so oxymoronic ANYMORE! 

Lafayette is very pleased with the new and improved state of summer television.

Perhaps, there is no better example of that than True Blood.  Produced by acclaimed showrunner Alan Ball, and based on the popular Southern Vampire Mysteries series penned by Charlaine Harris, this sublimely-successful television series is about to enter its fourth season.  And, if the collection of recently-released promos for the show are any indication, it’s going to be quite an AWESOME season, indeed.

Season of Seric, HERE WE COME!

The purpose of this post is to analyze and breakdown some of the promotional material HBO has released, during the past few weeks, regarding True Blood,  in hopes of getting a better idea of what to expect during the show’s upcoming season.  (Special thanks to my blogging pal / fellow TB fan / staunch Seric lover, Cherie, over at Spidey Sense, for coming up with the idea for this post.  So, if you don’t like it, BLAME HER!  Just kidding!)

I hope you guys are hungry!  Because we are about to BITE in to some SERIOUSLY juicy True Blood tidbits!

THE SOURCE

As most fans will tell you, each season of True Blood is, more or less, based on a book in the Southern Vampire Mysteries series.  Given that pattern, Season 4 should predominately follow the general plot outline of Book 4 in that series, which, appropriately, is entitled Dead to the World.  Without giving too much away . . . (SPOILER ALERT, SPOILER ALERT, SPOILER ALERT) . . . the main plotpoints of that book were as follows:

(1) The arrival of a nefarious witch coven, led by the super spooky Hallow, in Bon Temps, which led to a tentative alliance formed between the vampires and werewolves in the area to defeat that coven.

(2) Eric’s amnesia, as a result of a spell placed on him by the aforementioned coven, and how that amnesia affects his relationship with one Sookie Stackhouse.  (Hint: SHOWER SEX IS INVOLVED!)

and . . .

(3) Jason Stackhouse’s kidnapping by those wackadoo werepanthers from Crystal Norris’ trailer trash town of Hotshot.

THE NEWBIES

Since, True Blood is never shy about killing off a good portion of their cast each year, every new season of True Blood will inevitably bring along with it, the addition of some . . . for lack of a better term . . . fresh blood.  And Season 4 of True Blood will be no different.  Below is a quick look at the newbies scheduled to spend this summer in Bon Temps . . .

Fiona Shaw, as Marnie “Hallow” Stonebrook

Harry Potter fans will undoubtedly remember Fiona Shaw for her portrayal of Harry’s prickly Aunt Petunia.  But in TB world she is Marnie, an unassuming, not particularly talented, palm reader, who may or may not, as a result of a bewitching possession, end up being this season’s BIG BAD . . .

Alex Breckinridge, as Daisy

Joining Marnie’s coven will be a young witch named Daisy, who is shown in one of the trailers below (I think) getting all teary eyed in front of Vampire Bill.  Daisy will be played by Alexander Breckenridge.  Many of you might recognize Alex from her role as Willa in the FX series Dirt.  However, as a Dawson’s Creek fan, I will always remember Alex as The Girl Who Kissed Dawson Leery And Then Puked, in a Fabulous Season 3 episode (particularly if you were a Pacey and Joey fan) entitled “The Valentine’s Day Massacre.”

Courtney Ford, as Portia Bellefleur

As Andy Bellefleur’s younger sister, an attorney who briefly dated Bill Compton until [SPOILER ALERT: The two found out they were distantly related], Portia Bellefleur has always been a consistent, if not necessarily important, character in the Sookie Stackhouse book series.  However, judging by some of the hot and heavy scenes her character seems to be enjoying in the promos, with Stephen Moyer’s Vampire Bill, something tells me the character’s role in the television series is going to be a bit larger than originally anticipated.

Portia will be played by Courtney Ford, who Vampire Diaries fans might remember as the Girl Who Shot Damon in the Backside with an Arrow, resulting in THIS fun little image . . .

Janina Gavankar, as Luna

Speaking of Love Interests, Sam Merlotte hasn’t exactly had much luck in that department, during True Blood’s first two seasons.  However, that may change when school teacher / fellow shifter Luna (a werebat in the book series) flies into town.  Fans of the Showtime series The L Word might remember Gavankar (who will play Luna) as promiscous lesbian, Papi.  And we all know how much Sam loves his promiscuous women! 

Will there be some Hot Doggy Style Sex in Sam’s future?  Only time will tell!

Vedette Lim as Naomi

Press releases gave us very little in the way of intel on this new character, except to say that she’s a tough-as-nails cage fighter, who ends up getting hot and heavy with her female opponent.  And we all know how much True Blood adores its hard core violent sex scenes with homosexual undertones!  You GO, Naomi!

Speaking of homosexual undertones, guess who just got bumped up to series regular?

Jessica Tuck, as Nan Flanagan

This no-nonsense spokesperson of the American Vampire League was perhaps best known last season for (1) eating out a lady in the backseat of her limo; and (2) sending a SWAT team full of guys dressed like extras from The Matrix to swarm Fangtasia.  And now we will get to see a lot more of her, I guess.  Could she become a possible love interest for Vampire Pam?  It’s certainly possible!

Also returning to Bon Temps this season will be the following relative newcomers: Lauren Bowles, as witchy waitress, Holly Cleary . . .

 . . . Kevin Alejandro, as Lafayette’s voodoo loving beau, Jesus . . .

. . . and Allan Hyde, as the Vampire Who Just Doesn’t Seem to Die, No Matter How Many Times He “Meets the Sun,” Godric (then again, maybe this will just be another flashback . . .)

That’s right Godric, KEEP THAT SHIRT OFF, and you will fit in just fine here!

THE PROMOTIONAL ONE-SHOTS

Last year, in order to promote the show’s upcoming season, the producers of True Blood released a series of three-to-five minute long character-centric minisodes.  These short videos promised to tease what was in store for each of the series’ main characters, during the season.  Of course, in hindsight, while these videos were amusing (some, admittedly, more amusing than others), they actually ended up providing fans with very little, in terms of plot-line teasers. 

This year, as a part of its Waiting Sucks campaign, True Blood has once again decided to release a series of character-centric teaser videos.  Though significantly shorter in length than last year’s minisodes, these teasers are about ten times more informative than their predecessors.  Each of these 30-second shots (which feature a scene from the upcoming season, narrated by the script for that scene) contains suprisingly spoilery information about some of the season’s main plotpoints.

Let’s watch, and analyze, shall we?

(Special thanks to TrueBloodItalia, for providing these fabulous videos for our viewing pleasure.)

Bill and Eric – “New Coven in Town”

In Dead to the World, Eric’s amnesia is revealed within the first few pages of the story.  Apparently, True Blood has decided to start the season off a bit earlier in the timeline than that.  The above scene, I’m assuming, takes place fairly early on in Season 4, possibly in the first episode. 

In it, a clearly not-yet-amnesiac Eric, and Victim of a Ridiculously Bad Haircut Bill discuss the ramifications of a witch coven arriving in Bon Temps.  Never before have we seen Eric Northman this concerned about the arrival of another supernatural creature in his Area.  And, if the rest of the promotional videos are any indication, he is right to be worried . . .

Eric (and Sookie) – “Where am I? Who am I?  (and where are my clothes?)”

Knowing that Eric is meant to have amnesia in this scene, it is interesting to compare it to the one we just watched, above.  Alexander Skarsgard’s temperment has completely changed here.  Gone is the cocky confidence,dark sense of humor, all-knowing stare, and ferocious, “kill first, ask questions later” mentality that we have come to associate with the Sheriff of Area Five.  THIS Eric Northman looks more innocent, less sure of himself, more naive, and, dare I say it, MUCH younger than the one we’ve come to know and love, over the past three seasons of True Blood. 

In short, Mommy Likes this New Amnesia Eric . . . very much!

(Minor gripe:  In the book series, Sookie is driving home from work when she finds a NAKED Eric, running toward her home, clad in only his socks.  If you notice in this season, Eric is wearing . . . pants.   WHY, ALAN BALL, WHY?)

Pam, Tara, Lafayette, and Marnie – “Fix My Man”

This scene obviously takes place AFTER Pam has learned that Eric has amnesia.  She is clearly calling upon new witch Marnie to help her “FIX” her Maker, and return him to his former self.  The problem, of course, is that Marnie (or the thing possessing her) may have actually been the one to CAUSE the amnesia, in the first place.  And, therefore, asking HER for help, may not exactly be the wisest move Vampire Pam has ever made. 

The end of the scene, in which “Marnie” literally stops Pam in her tracks, and lets out an unearthly cackle, is particularly creepy.   Speaking of creepy . . .

Arlene, Terry, and the Demon Baby?

I’ll be perfectly honest.  Last season, I had absolutely NO interest in asshat Arlene, or her, “I may have been impregnated by my Dead Serial Killer Husband” storyline.  That being said, THIS PROMO genuinely gave me chills.  There is nothing I find more frightening then scary supernatural freaky kids.  I

 suspect that Arlene’s demon baby will join a long line of pre-pubescents that scare the stuffing out of me, including, but not limited to:  that chick from The Ring, the kids from The Grudge, all the Children of the Corn, those blonde tots from Village of the Damned, Rosemary’s Baby, the Omen kid, the kid from The Shining, Dakota Fanning’s character in Hide and Seek, and the list just goes on and on . .  .

You know who else is frightening me, lately?

Stepford Trash Wife Crystal and Bondage Jason

Oh, sweet, dumb, Jason!  I have a secret:  I never really liked your girlfriend!  To be honest, I just couldn’t figure out what it was exactly you saw in the plain-looking, not particularly charming, Crystal Norris. 

I suspect there was a part of you, who, after having countless girlfriends of yours DIE UNTIMELY DEATHS, wanted to date someone you could rescue, and actually keep alive, for a change.  Perhaps, Crystal, a werepanther, born and raised in an incestuous, crystal meth-producing, trailer park, seemed like just the girl you could save.

Except, now it looks like she’s tied you to a bed post, is rocking some REALLY unattractive curlers, and is getting all her werepanther friends to torture you and bite you, until you are “REBORN” as “ONE OF THEM.”  See,  Jason, you should have dated a TV Recapper, instead!  We are MUCH safer (and just a little bit less insane)!

Come on over to my place, Jason!  It’s not too late!

Speaking of Potentially Very Happy Couples . . .

Hoyt and Jessica – “I Pity the FOOL who messes with Hoyt’s girlfriend!”

Last season, Hoyt and Jessica experienced a happy reunion, after Hoyt finally forgave his girlfriend for trying to eat his mom.  But just because the pair are happy together, doesn’t mean everybody in Bon Temps is particularly happy for them!  Of course, this is far from the first time, Jessica has suffered the slings and arrows of vampiric racism at the hands of strangers.  However, this IS the first time that racism has been extended to include her human boyfriend, Hoyt. 

Under the circumstances, I’d say he handled it quite well, don’t you? 🙂  In other Relationship News . . .

Sam and Luna (Surprise!  She has a crazy, abusive ex!)

Awww, man!  Do we really have to suffer through another Crazy Ex Storyline, again?  No wonder Bon Temps is so incestuous!  There’s onlyabout five or six NORMAL/ non-psychotic people to date there!

TWO SEXY TRAILERS!

In addition to all the juiciness illustrated above, HBO has also released not one, but TWO, new trailers for the upcoming season.  Admittedly, one is less informative, but (decisively more NAKED) than the second.  The other, in my opinion, gives us a bit more to work with, in terms of plot details.  Ready to investigate?  Let’s start sleuthing . . .

Trailer Number One – So Much Shirtlessness, So Little Time

After I got over the giddy glee of realizing just how much HOT NAKED MALE SKIN was featured in this brief, 39-second trailer, I was shocked to realize just how LITTLE information this trailer provided, in terms of actual Season 4 plotpoints.  I mean, think about it, all we got in the first ten seconds was a series of Scared “Good Guy” Faces . . .

For starters, here is Running Scared (but Shirtless, YAY!) Jason Stackhouse . . .

I can’t really tell whether this shot comes BEFORE his werepanther kidnapping, or after.   On one hand, Jason definitely looks STRONGER and more able-bodied than he appears in later parts of the trailer, leading me to believe he HASN’T been “infected” yet. 

On the other hand, if you look closely, Jason definitely has a big bloody bite mark on his stomach, leading me to believe either (1) he has already been bitten once, but has not been captured yet; (2) his transformation is complete, and, now healing from his bites, he has finally managed to escape his captors.  Since, I doubt, True Blood would want to spoil Jason’s triumphant ESCAPE from Hotshot so early in the series, I’m going to put my money on the former . . .

Speaking of Scared Good Guys, here’s Sam Merlotte . . .

I’ll be the first to admit that this is a pretty useless screenshot.  I’m only including it because of the cheesy Halloween decoration hanging over Sam’s head.  Am I to assume that this season DOESN’T take place during the summer (as previous seasons have), but, rather, occcurs during the fall and winter months?  Or is Sam just EXTREMELY lazy about taking down his holiday decorations . . .

:11-13 of the trailer contrast the Scared “Good Guy” Faces we saw earlier, with some equally useless, and generic, Angry Vampire Faces.  We have a probably pre-amnesiac Eric, a 1920’s costumed Queen Sophie Ann, and a very bizarre looking, Billy Idol-esque Vampire Bill.

80’s flashback, I presume?

At the :15 mark, our patience is rewarded with a nice shot of a Fresh-Out-of the Shower Sookie being ogled by a very turned on (and, most likely pre-amesiac Eric).  “Is this another dream?”  Sookie wonders dazedly. 

No Sookie.  Eric’s desire to separate you from that pesky towel of yours, and have his way with you, right on your Grandma’s old couch, is very real . . .

 

“Yowsa!  Those are some huge melons you’ve got there!”

We follow this up with another five seconds of random, uninformative, Fangtasia shots, one of a Very Happy, Dancey, Vampire Jess . . .

 . . . another of a fierce Pam . . .

(I suspect both of these are from the same episode, as the one-shot featuring Pam and Jess, above.)

 . . . and a third of Shooty Tara . . .

“I am in a very bad mood.  (SURPRISE!)”

My FAVORITE scene in the trailer doesn’t arrive until the 20-second mark, in which we see a shirtless, post-amnesiac, Eric looking at Sookie intently, and moving in for a kiss, one she seems more than willing to accept!

SQUEE!  *Does Happy Dance*

At 21 seconds, Vampire Bill can be found threatening a woman, who I initially thought was Queen Sophie Ann.  However, on second viewing, I’ve come to the conclusion that this is Alex Breckenridge’s witch, Daisy.  Hmmm . . . I wonder what “Big Mistake” she is making, according to Vampire Bill.  (Perhaps, SHE’S the one that gave him that awful haircut!)

“What do you want from me?  I got my Beauty School Degree online!”

Things start to get intense at 22 seconds, when we see Pam toss a purple shirted SOMEONE into the same Vampire Dungeon she used to hold Lafayette captive, during Season 2 . . .

Who dat?

We are also treated to a shot of a clearly, worse for WERE (Get it?), infected, and mustachioed(?) Jason.  In the scene, he is wearing a very ugly flannel shirt (boo!), and, presumably, trying to escape captivity in Hotshot . . .

My second favorite trailer clip arrives at the 25-second mark, when Sookie tells her half-naked growling pal, Alcide, to “Stop making that NOISE!”

Making sex noises in public is SO inappropriate . . . even in a slutty town like Bon Temps

That exercise in awesomeness is followed up by a Party Crasher Pre-Amnesiac Eric, making a VERY grand entrance at a coven meeting, one which may or may not be taking place at Lafayette’s house.

“I have ARRIVED!  (Anyone have six hours to spare for the best sexual experience of your human existence?)”

Speaking of sex (aren’t I always?)  check out Tied to the Bedpost, Bondage Jason, screaming his head off at the 27-second mark  . . .

“Why do I feel like I’ve been in this situation before?”

“Ohhhh . . .”

And because no True Blood trailer is complete without some good old-fashioned necking . . .

Way to go, SAM!

Check that off your list!

Uh oh!  Cheesy Fake CGI Werepanther ALERT, at the 30-second mark!

 

I think I’ll name it Fluffy .  . . or maybe Oreo.

We end the trailer with three quick-fire images of people beating the crap out of other people.  There’s Queen Sophie beating up Vampire Bill, in his own house . . . at least, I think it’s his house . . .

We’ve got Hoyt beating up that racist outside Fangtasia (from the episode clip we watched earlier).  And, finally, there’s SOOKIE PUNCHING AMNESIA ERIC?