The Women Scorned – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Original Sin”

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Greetings, Fangbangers!  It’s no secret that everyone’s favorite teen vampire show has always been a bit of a sausage factory . . .

 . . . at least metaphorically speaking . . .

For four seasons, the series has been almost exclusively dominated, both in the hero and in the villain column, by eternally youthful and modelesque men with uncommonly large . . .

 . . . muscles . . .

. . . super human strength, razor-sharp teeth . . .

tortured souls, and hearts of only slightly tarnished gold who, despite being instantly desired by everyone they meet, seem to only have eyes for the daintiest, most delicate, of damsels of distress, who just so happen to live right next door . . .

OK .  .  . so maybe they aren’t always all that dainty.  But I think you get my point . . .  Mystic Falls has almost always been a man’s world, where the women may be the prizes, but the men are typically the fighters.

And that’s always been OK with me .  .  . because . . . I like sausage . . . A LOT!

That said, this week’s female-dominated hour felt like a refreshing change of pace.  It was an hour dominated by women heroines (and anti-heroines) joining forces to protect the men they cared about most . . .

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 . . . sassy foreign chicks with strange unidentifiable accents, who consistently outsmarted every single man with whom they came in contact . . .

 . . . and Quetzalcotal  Q*bert  Catsoup QUETSIYAH . . . a wacked-out, bad-ass witch who takes the concept of post-breakup brooding to an entirely new level .  . .

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(I mean, most of us just buy a pint of Baskin Robbins, break out the sweatpants, cry a bit on the couch and call it a day.)

Now, THIS is a Big Bad I can get behind!

Let’s review, shall we?

Because Hipsters Taste Like Chicken . . .

The episode opens with Stefan, fresh from his summer-long stint hanging out underwater with the cast of Finding Nemo . . .

. . . stumbling down a deserted street at near-dawn, looking less like a hungry vampire and more like one of the dancers in the music video for Michael Jackson’s Thriller . . .

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He’s doing that dazed, sort of shuffle step thing you do when you’ve just gotten out of a REALLY long movie, and realize that at some point during the second half of Lord of the Rings you’ve forgotten how to walk . . .

Let’s not forget, Stefan has just been on a summer-long, starvation diet, which means he’ll look great in his new swim trunks.  But . . .

Stefan’s first order of business as a free vamp is to get some breakfast to go.  He stops at the generically named Joe’s Bar, where the only thing on the menu is a hipstery looking bartender who somewhat resembles Lindsay Lohan’s ex girlfriend, Samantha Ronson . .  .

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It’s far from the gourmet meal he was hoping for in that it probably tastes a lot like cigarette ash, overpriced hashish, and music by Bon Iver, but it will have to do in a pinch . . .  Seconds after chowing down on the little lady, Stefan suffers a crisis of conscious, or maybe just a bad case of indigestion.  Either way, he allows Not-Sam-Ronson escape with her life . .  .

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Then, Stefan rushes out into the sunlight, and falls to his knees in agony, while he waits patiently for his face to burn off . . .

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Silly Stefan!  Who goes on a tropical adventure and forgets to pack their sunscreen . . . ring?

I Dream of Steffy

Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena Gilbert wakes up in bed in cold sweat, wondering why she had a dream about Sam Ronson, and thinking it might be because she’s been watching too many episodes of TMZ, circa 2008.  Damon is lying in bed next to Elena, wondering how anyone could manage to sleep in La Casa de Rich and Awesome and have a dream about anyone other than him!

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Then Katherine stumbles into the room and announces that she had the same dream.  Damn that pesky, Sam Ronson!  She ruins everything, including Damon’s beauty sleep.

Of course, everyone remembers that Stefan was in the dream too.  So, they all head off on a road trip to Random Bar, USA to find Stefan, and literally “put a ring on it,” before his finely chiseled face starts to look like a sundried tomato . . .

Shortly thereafter, we are treated to a scene in which Nina Dobrev (Elena), other Nina Dobrev (Katherine), and Ian Somerhalder (Damon) drive to an undisclosed location, while other Nina Dobrev (Katherine) teases Nina Dobrev (Elena) about not really loving Ian Somerhalder (Damon) as much as she claims that she does, seeing as she continues to have mysterious dreams about Sam Ronson Stefan . . .

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Take into consideration the fact that Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev broke up in real life shortly before filming this scene, and you can imagine what’s going through Ian’s head right about now.

Talk about life imitating art!  This scene is officially Ian’s worst nightmare come to life!  And Damon doesn’t really like it much either . . .

But at least the vampire could take solace in the fact that he still has the girl, something his human counterpart can’t . . .

Invasion of the Pothead Snatchers

Back in Mystic Falls, exotic foreign chick, Nadia, gets a call from Silas, who thinks that Nadia’s last minute decision to kill her boyfriend in a convenient store was a crappy way of her to show her loyalty to the evil villain’s cause.  He wants her to do something more profound.  Clearly, Silas is being short-sighted.  I mean, here is a guy who only drinks human blood out of styrofoam cups, because he finds taking it directly from the skin too tacky and classless.  And here, Nadia killed her boyfriend in a place where STYROFOAM CUPS ARE SOLD!  It doesn’t get much more meaningful than that . . .

Anywhoo, Silas wants Nadia to steal Bar-Boy Matt’s immortality ring (So much ring theft on this show, this week!) and kill him too.  Nadia agrees, but you can tell she’s up to something . . .

She corners Matt in the back of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  Matt is understandably concerned, seeing as the last time these two met, some random dude massaged his face, forced him to wear black colored contacts, and then made him take a nap on the floor.

Sure enough Nadia is massaging his face, and forcing him to wear black colored contacts too!  Except this time, Matt doesn’t take a nap on the floor.  Instead, he starts talking like the villain from every action movie I’ve ever seen.  He’s yelling at Nadia for killing him, one minute, and sucking her face the next.  And it . . . is . . . AWESOME!

Truth be told, I thought Nadia’s beau Gregor was kind of boring.  And Matt can be kind of boring too, at least when he’s not high on pot, then he’s HILARIOUS . . .

But Matt-as-Gregor?  NOW THAT GUY is SEXY with a capital S!  Who knew Zach Roerig had this in him?

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I’m really digging this storyline.

Anywhoo, Nadia tells “Gregor” to call Elena using Matt’s phone.  And though we don’t actually get to hear their conversation, we can imagine it goes something like this . . .

“Hey, Matt are you feeling OK?”

“Ahhh . . . ya . . .why?”

“Because you sound like the bad guy from that cartoon we used to watch back when we were kids . . . the one with the talking moose.”

Fortunately, for Nadia and Gregor, Elena is much too self-absorbed to pay any attention to  sudden personality transplants exhibited by any character on this show whose name isn’t “Stefan” or “Damon.”  And so, she willingly gives Matt/Gregor all the information he needs to find Katherine.

The last we hear of Matt/Gregor he’s asking Nadia to bring him to wherever it is she buried his body (Possibly in the dumpster behind the 7-Eleven where she took his life?).  Later that night, Matt wakes up on the floor of his home with mud on his shoes, and no memory of the last six to eight hours.

Just another day in the life of Mystic Falls’ favorite pothead waiter . . .

Speaking of Strange Trips . . .

Stefan awakens in an abandoned cabin, having been rescued by a mysterious woman who looks suspiciously like Sam’s dead girlfriend Luna from True Blood. 

At first, Mystery Woman seems like a pretty gracious host.  She closes the shades to block out the sun.  She offers him a hot beverage . . .

She tells him about how she rescued him, and kindly fed him the owner of the cabin in which they are staying, following his emergence for the sea . . .

Nevertheless, Stefan is understandably leery of his host’s courtesies.  After all, this a woman who willingly admits to being in love with SILAS, a guy whose willingly tried on more different faces than a Mr. Potato Head doll . . .

A guy who threw Stefan’s body into the sea, and then nearly Single White Femaled him out of existence . . .

. . . a guy with more personalities than a game of Guess Who . . .

Clearly, a woman who loves Silas has TERRIBLE taste in men, and is generally not to be trusted.

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Stefan, ever the gentleman, politely asks his gracious host why she doesn’t find Silas and go jump in a lake with him, never to be seen again.  That decision might be good for Stefan, but it would be very bad for the storyline.

Besides, Silas doesn’t want to jump into a lake with Stefan’s host because, the truth of the matter is . . .

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You see, Stefan’s host is not Amara, it’s QUETSIYAHHHHHHH!

Eat your heart out, Silas!

Though I’m generally not a fan of heavy flashback episodes, I do like when villains get to tell their side of the story in a way that’s more subtle and emotionally evocative than the typical last-minute, pre-death, desire for World Domination monologue we typically get in shows like these.

Yes, Quetsiyah (or “Tess” as she now likes to be called) is clearly a wackadoodle, bunny-burning baddie of the Fatal Attraction mold, who simply can’t get over the fact that the man she loved didn’t love her back .  . .

But she’s also smart, savvy, and has a pretty legitimate beef against her old beau, Si . . .

I mean dumping your girlfriend, because you fell in love with her minion?  Understandable.

But jilting your girlfriend at the altar, stealing her immortality cure, and using it on her minion?  That’s just AWFUL!

Torture away, Quetsiyah!  You’ve earned it!

Did I mention that Silas’ “True Love” looks like this?

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I’m officially convinced that in about two seasons, the entire cast of this series will be played by either Nina Dobrev or Paul Wesley.  It’s like Orphan Black for vampires . . .

Long story, short.  According to Quetsiyah, she finds Amara, forces the cure for immortality down her throat, kills her, rips out her heart and offers it Silas, along with another vial of the cure, so he can die too.  You know, like Romeo and Juliet . . . only really, really gross .  . .

The problem is that Quetsiyah never planned on letting Silas and Amara be together in the afterlife.  Instead, he created this weird walled off purgatory place where Quetsiyah and Silas would be stuck together, hating one another for all eternity.  Ahhh, now we are back in familiar villain territory . . .

But then Bonnie dropped the veil, releasing all supernatural beings from purgatory, thus making it possible for “true loves” Silas and Amara to be together again . . . assuming Amara is actually dead, and doesn’t pop up alive and ready to wreak havoc in the season finale . . .

So, now Silas REALLLLY wants to die . . . which means taking The Cure . . . which means killing Katherine and draining it from her body.  Got it?

So, now we know what Silas wants with Katherine.  And we know that Quetsiyah wants to somehow kill Silas, before he gets the cure, so he can end up back in purgatory with her . . .

We just aren’t sure what Nadia wants with Katherine . . . or why the Scooby Gang seems so intent to keep Katherine from Silas, even if that potentially means Silas staying alive longer than necessary and continuing to torture and mind hump Mystic Falls.  I mean, are we sure Silas needs ALL of Katherine’s blood to get the cure?  Maybe he just needs enough to fill an 8 oz. styrofoam cup?

To further complicate matters, apparently throughout history, in response to either Silas and Amara becoming immortal though Amara was arguably only immortal for about five minutes or them not being able to be together, “The Universe” has created throughout history about 85,000 people who look like Paul Wesley and Nina Dobrev just so they can fall in love and live happily ever after . . .

It sounds to me like “The Universe” needs to find a more productive use of its time . . . Maybe it could take up blogging . . .

The Clone Wars

Back at the generically named Joe’s Bar . . .

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Damon and Elena question Not-Sam Ronson about her new neck hickey.  And Not Sam Ronson rudely poisons Damon with a shot of vervain.  But hey, at least it’s free booze, right?  That stuff’s hard to come by, these days  . . .

Then, Nadia pops in and asks which one of the Nina Dobrevites in the bar is Katherine, so that she can shoot her.  Katherine “gallantly” points to Elena, but Nadia the body-snatching, threesome-having, boyfriend-murdering sexpot wasn’t born yesterday.  She knows a curly haired, saucy, villain-not-quite redeemed Nina Dobrev when she sees one . . .

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Nadia chases Kat into the woods, and, in an odd turn of events, Elena, the same woman who was so intent on murdering Katherine last season that she nearly lost her humanity for good over it, rushes to her rescue . . .

Unfortunately, Elena has never been all that good at rescuing people, and ends up getting her neck snapped by Nadia in the process.

This is your brain on Quetsiyah . . .

Meanwhile, back at the cabin, Damon has finally found Stefan,  who Quetsiyah has helpfully tied to a chair and covered with plant life.  So much for hospitality!  She explains to Damon that she wants to link Stefan’s mind to Silas’ and then fry both of their brains, so Silas can no longer mind control people anymore.  Possible side effects?  Stefan might be forced to spend the rest of his life as a brain dead moron . . .

Well, at least it’s for a worthy cause.  Let’s do this!

I can already tell I like Quetsiyah more than I ever liked Bonnie, because I found the former’s Latin mumblings amidst fire and candles riveting, while whenever the latter does spells, I have this inexplicable desire to throw things at my TV screen . . .

Stefan is bleeding out of his eyeballs, and Damon looks mildly frightened . . .

Just kidding, I’m sure Big Salvatore was genuinely concerned for Little Salvatore’s well being . . .

Meanwhile, back in the woods, Silas has located Nadia and Katherine.  He is about to mind control Good Ole Nads (that’s my new nickname for her, I just decided) to shoot herself in the heart with a gun.  (I wrote a fanfiction like this once.  Do you think Julie Plec stole my idea?)

. . . when suddenly he starts eyeball bleeding too.  This gives Nads and Kat a chance to escape to a hotel, where hopefully they will have the lesbionic love affair fanfiction writers have been dreaming about for five seasons. I mean, come on!  We already know Nads swings both ways . . . and Kat’s always struck me as being a bit “loose” sexually,  if you catch my drift.

You know who’s totally not getting laid though?  Stefan!  He’s all bloody faced and passed out in a chair.  This gives Quetsiyah the opportunity to tell Damon why he should leave his little bro behind to be the wacky witch’s human voodoo doll / love slave . . .

“Fire hazard, shmire hazard, Steffy . . . I thought you liked candlelight dinners?  (Hint: If you don’t, I’ll make your eyes bleed and chargrill your brain again.)”

According to Quetsiyah, “the Universe” will make sure Stelena is endgame, despite the personal feelings of this particular TV Recapper . . .

Damon considers this for a moment, before ultimately deciding to do the “honorable” thing by strangling Quetsiyah, and taking his brain-fried brother home to recover on the couch . . .

“I’m Stefan Salvatore.  Who the f*&k are you?”

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Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena and Damon watch over a still snoozing Stefan, while they jointly agree that they don’t need no stinking Universe’s blessing to bone each other on a regular basis . . .

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It’s a refreshing show of maturity for Damon’s character – who in the past has shown a tendency toward massively self destructive behavior – that he is refusing to let his own insecurities, or the words of witchy naysayers, get in the way of his relationship with the woman he loves more than life itself. Of all the characters in this show, I would argue that it’s the 175+ year old vampire whose grown the most since the series began . . .

We interrupt this heartfelt Delena moment, to bring you the last five minutes of every episode of a daytime soap opera I have ever watched . . .

That’s right, boys and girls.  Stefan has amnesia!  SURPRISE!

See ya next time, Fangbangers!

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Redemption Maybe? – Vampire Diaries Season 4 Revamped Part 3 – Klaus Mikaelson

“If you want to be bad, be bad with a purpose.  Otherwise you’re just not worth forgiving.”

These are the iconic words Damon utters to Klaus Mikaelson, during a mid-season conversation that’s about as “Meta” as TVD gets . . .

One could probably imagine a similar conversation taking place in the TVD writers’ room, around the time Plec and Co. got their greenlight to film the back door pilot to “The Originals.”

After all, Klaus had been the series’ main Big Bad for three seasons know, roughly 75% of the life of the show.   And now, there was a good chance the Original Hybrid would be blessed with a series of his very own . . . a series where the character would be featured, not as the show’s antagonist, but as its protagonist.

It was a tall order.  Fortunately, the writers  already had two templates as to how such a feat could be accomplished.  The first was another blonde villainous vampire, by the name of Spike, who made a similar journey from Season 2 Big Bad, to Season 4 Questionable Ally on the critically acclaimed TV series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

The second was Damon Salvatore himself, the ultimate TVD Bad Boy MOSTLY Redeemed . . .

Step 1 – Make the Villain Fall in Love . . .

Everyone remembers the first time Spike spied Buffy at a party, and was instantly plagued with an intense desire, both to kiss her, and kill her.  Damon felt the same way about Elena, the first time he laid eyes on her   . . . his brother’s girlfriend, who bore the same face as his lost love.  She seemed to be the ultimate pathway toward Sweet Revenge.

So, too did Klaus experience this conundrum, firsthand, when, to get revenge on his errant sire hybrid Tyler, he compelled him to lethally bite his girlfriend, Caroline . . . potentially ending her new vampire life, before it even really had a chance to begin . . .

When Klaus first arrives at the Forbes household, his motives are unclear.  Is he planning to let Caroline die, to teach Tyler a lesson in obedience?  Is he hoping to seduce her, thereby taking from Tyler, the one aspect of his life, over which Klaus, up to this point had no control?

Whatever Klaus had initially planned to do, it’s clear from the way he looks at Caroline, lying vulnerable on the bed, that he’s changed his mind.  Seeing this young woman, on the cusp of young vampire life, lying helpless before him, does something to Klaus.  It changes him imperceptibly.

So, Klaus tells this dazzling woman, what no one else would, that vampirism, while “dark” and “monstrous,” can also be beautiful, because LIFE is beautiful.  And then, he gives her a choice . . . immortality or death.  This insanely powerful vampire, who has done nothing that wasn’t directly in his selfish interest, from the moment he set foot in Mystic Falls, for the first time, relinquishes control of his life and his Master Plan to Caroline, for reasons he may not yet entirely understand.

The result is a scene that remains one of my favorites in TVD history . . . And this is coming from a staunch Damon fan . . .

Klaus may have begun his wooing of Caroline back in Season 3, through expensive gifts, vacation promises, and pictures of ponies . . .

But it wasn’t until Season 4 that Klaus really started making headway toward winning Caroline’s heart.  And he did it in a way that the Klaus of earlier season’s would never have even considered.  He did it by listening to her, opening up to her, and by not taking advantage of her when he had the opportunity to do so  . . .

Like, for example, when he was in Tyler’s body, early on in the Season . . .

Sure KlausiTyler comes off like a bit of a cad in this scene. But he’s also surprisingly chivalrous!  Michael Trevino does a great job conveying Klaus’ emotions during this season.  He’s clearly turned on and pleasantly surprised that the woman he loves is FINALLY attacking him sexually.  And yet, as much as he wants Caroline, there’s a part of him that can’t bear to have her under false pretenses.  So, he exposes his true identity, and, in doing so, loses the opportunity for Hot Hybrid Sex . . .

It’s the second “half-way” decent thing he did for Caroline in Season 1.  (Rescuing her from that anti-vampire cult, being the first.)  And there’s plenty more where that came from . . .

Let’s not forget that Klaus came as Caroline’s date to the Miss Mystic Falls Dance?

Just as Buffy reawakened the quiet poetic side of Spike on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Elena awakened the selfless side of Damon, so too does Caroline seem to bring out an oddly lighthearted cheeky version of the usually single-mindedly power hungry Klaus.

He smiles, he jokes . . . he makes a good show of pretending to care about things that Caroline cares about . . . things that would otherwise have no meaning for him whatsoever, like pageants, proms, and party dresses . . .

And what girl wouldn’t appreciate a guy with the unique ability to be the Fairy Godmother to her Cinderella, while still looking like Prince Charming?

(Even if it does make you wonder what happened to all the girls who used to wear the dresses he stores in his closet?)

Of course, every budding relationship hits a bit of a snag.  And Klaus finds himself relapsing into old habits, when he, once again, is responsible for Caroline’s receipt of a lethal werewolf bite . . . a bite he issues himself, out of anger at Tyler, and Caroline’s brutal rejection of him . . .

And yet, when all is said and done, Caroline and Klaus make amends, and end up parting as “friends (?),” with Klaus temporarily ceding the love of his life to the same young hybrid that’s been a thorn in his side all season .   . .

You know what they say, “if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you, due to series cancellation, it was meant to be.”

So, why the ultimate change of heart, with respect to Tyler?  Especially, considering how intent Klaus initially seemed on keeping these two lovebirds apart indefinitely . . .

I suspect it had a little something to do with Step 2 of our Redemption Plan . . .

Step 2 – Find a New Big Bad, So the Old One Can Unite with the Scoobies Against Him . . .

In Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Spike joined the Scoobies after the ultimately corrupt initiative put a chip in his brain, preventing him from hurting humans.  This made Spike no longer a threat to Buffy and her gang.  It also gave him impetus to fight on their side, as it enabled him to kill the only type of being he still could . . . demons.

Likewise, in Season 2, Damon promptly put aside his differences with his brother, so the two could battle a mutual, and much more powerful enemy . . . Klaus, himself . . .

The writers must have had quite a difficult time coming up with a Bigger Bad than Klaus.  After all, we are talking about a 1,000-year old virtually unkillable vampire, who also possesses full werewolf powers.    But it wasn’t Silas’ strength that made him such a threat to the Scooby gang, it was his impressive ability at mental manipulation . .  .

Not only could Silas impersonate any person or thing, he could also see inside people’s minds, and expose their deepest darkest fears and secrets.  As a result, Klaus found himself reluctantly found himself in a role entirely foreign to him . . . that of VICTIM . . .

Sexy buff shirtless, victim . . . but victim, nonetheless . . .

Ahh yes, the infamous bloodline . . . another nifty way to align Klaus to the Scooby Gang, was for the writers to literally tie his survival to their own.  Thanks to some crafty mythology, Klaus can no longer die, because killing him would effectively demolish the ENTIRE CAST OF THIS SHOW . . .

I bet Spike is wishing he thought of that one.  It sure beats his method of maintaining character relevance . . .

While, in previous Seasons, Klaus was the Ultimate Enemy, like Spike and Damon before him, Klaus suddenly found his own personal interests aligned with Damon, Stefan, Caroline and co.  And so, he helped them, in their quest to defeat Silas, by solving the key to the Hunter’s Map that would lead to the vampire cure.  (He hoped to use that cure on Elena, so her human blood could produce more hybrids.)

“Human blood bag for all eternity . . . BFF . . . same difference.”

A vulnerable, lovelorn, character, fighting on the side of good, to defeat the Big Bad, who sometimes becomes prey to the ultimate predator . . . Season 4 Klaus sure sounds like a hero to me . . .

except when he isn’t .  . .

Step 3 – Keep the Former Villain Behaving Badly Enough That He Doesn’t Lose His Edge . . .

Heroes are great and all . . . but they can be SUPER boring.

So, when writers are tasked with redeeming a Bad Boy, they always must make sure he remains just evil enough to still be interesting.  (Plus, there’s the ever present issue of character consistency.  A guy like Klaus doesn’t just automatically start shaking hands and kissing babies, just because he fell in love with a pretty girl!)

And so, for every kind, romantic, or selfless act Klaus committed in Season 4, he had to do something truly awful, just to balance things out . . .

Revenge Sex with Hayley . . . definitely not your finest hour, Klaus . . . (hot triangle tattoo notwithstanding)

No act was more awful than the Christmas Massacre Klaus committed in episode 9 of the Season.  Betrayed, once again by Tyler, and the hybrids, who Tyler systematically taught to break themselves of their bond with the Original, Klaus is BEYOND pissed.  This single calculated act has painfully exposed the Original Hybrid’s two Achilles Heels’ his pride and his loneliness.

And so Klaus lashes out in the only way he knows how, by ripping from Tyler everything he cares about.  Murdering 13 people in a single episode,  one of whom is a completely harmless human.  It doesn’t get much more villainous than that . . .

And yet, as Caroline once said, “Anyone who can love, is capable of being saved.”

Can New Orleans be Klaus’ salvation?  Can Caroline?  How about that ridiculous plotline spawn in Haley’s belly?

Throughout Season 4 of TVD, Klaus has shown himself to be capable of both exceptional good, and horrifying evil.  But is it enough to make him a relateable protagonist on his own series?  A series without Caroline . . . the woman, who made all this sort-of redemption possible?

Only time will tell . . . and for an immortal like Klaus, time is definitely on his side . . .

Speaking of everyone’s favorite Vampire Barbie, she’s next on my Re-Vamped list.

See ya then, Fangbangers!

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From Being the Eternal Stud to “Taking Care of the Kids” – The Vampire Diaries Season 4 RE-Vamped Part 2: Damon Salvatore

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“I’m just stuck here fighting my brother, and taking care of the kids,” gripes Damon Salvatore to a ghostly Alaric in the middle of Season 4.

It’s a line that pretty well encapsulates the Elder Salvatore Brother’s role this season, in the same way that “Life sucks, wear a helmet,” another iconic line of his, embodied his role in Seasons 1 through 3.

Like many things about this season, being a Damon fan was a bit of a mixed bag in Season 4.  On one hand, in comparison to other seasons, the self-proclaimed stud had things pretty easy.  I mean, sure, he had his share of beat downs, stakings, and neck snaps, but there seemed to be a lot less of them than in previous seasons.

Even his “Lethal Werewolf Bite,” in the Season Finale seemed less painful and certainly less symptomatic than his similar Brush with Death in Season 2 .. .

Also on the bright side of things, let’s not forget that DAMON FINALLY GOT THE GIRL . . . not just once, but TWICE in a single season.

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And even during the episodes when Damon and Elena weren’t together, he was constantly proving his worth by supporting and accepting her, when others turned their backs.

Sounds good right?

So, why the “mixed bag” you ask?

Well, this was actually the first season that Damon Salvatore came very close to assuming Sidekick Status on his own show!

I mean sure . . . he was being a “Good Guy” and “Taking care of the kids,” but at what cost?

In previous Seasons, Damon Salvatore always had his own distinct character arc . . . one that was refreshingly separate from, though always tangentially related to, whatever drama he had going on with Stefan and Elena at the time.

In Season 1, Damon transformed himself from an angry villain hell bent on vengeance against his brother, and the town that sent him on his path to destruction .  . .

. . . to a hero, willing to risk his life for that very same brother and town.

In Season 2, Damon went from a lovesick puppy, who pined over the same woman over a century at the expense of everything in his life, to a man capable of sharing his heart and soul, not just with one woman, but with three: Elena, Rose and Andie, each in different ways.

In Season 3, Damon struggled to find a balance between his loyalty to his absent brother, and his undeniably intensifying relationship with Elena.  As if that wasn’t difficult enough, he also endured two huge losses.  Alaric and Andie were the only two people with whom Damon felt he could truly confide, without judgment or accusation.  When they died, he felt more alone than ever . . .

In Season 4, Damon’s character arc was noticeably less distinct.  He helped Elena deal with her newfound vampirism.  He coped with the implications of the sire bond, and what they meant to his love life.  He mourned the loss of Elena’s humanity.  He struggled with the decision of whether or not to give Elena the Cure to Vampirism.

Elena, Elena, Elena . . .

Can’t a guy get a storyline to himself?

That said, Damon did have quite a few defining character moments this season.  And I would be remiss, if I didn’t point them out in this post.

The Matt Donovan Dichotomy

I find it interesting that, in the premiere episode of the Season, Damon blames, and wants to kill Matt, for his unwitting role in Elena’s Journey Toward Vampirism.   (Had Stefan allowed Matt to die, Elena would have stayed human.)  And yet, at the end of the Season, Damon is the only character to recognize that Matt is the key to Elena’s regaining her humanity.  Damon’s ability to ultimately accept Matt as an integral part of Elena’s life, shows a huge amount of growth on his part . . .

Ch . .  . ch . . . ch . . . CHANGES

As a staunch and unapologetic Damon Fan, I was deeply offended by the fact that all the kindhearted things that Damon did for Elena during her early days as a vampire, were immediately discounted by TVD characters, and fans, alike, as a result of that pesky sire bond.   Yes, the sire bond was arguably to blame for Elena’s initial inability to drink blood from anywhere other than the human vein.  And yes, the sire bond both initially triggered Elena’s suffering from the Hunter’s Curse (Damon accidentally suggested that Elena should kill Connor), and ultimately cured her of that same curse.

But that doesn’t make the unconditional love and acceptance Damon showed Elena during those difficult early weeks of her transition any less sincere.

After all, Damon knew nothing about the sire bond, when he took Elena under his wing, and helped her to accept her new life as a vampire.  He helped her, comforted, and supported her, when no one else would, not because he knew she was supernaturally programmed to obey his every command, but because he loved her unconditionally, even during those times when she was at her most vulnerable and least loveable . . .

If Damon had his choice, he never would have chosen the Sire Bond for Elena.  So, why should he be punished for its existence?

Punish the writers for that one!

The Humanity Conundrum

Though Damon cannot be held responsible for the Dreaded Sire Bond, he’s a bit more culpable when it comes to the birth (and eventual “death”) of Humanity Free Elena.  Hard to shift blame on THAT one, especially when Damon literally MADE Elena turn it off . . .

Now, in Damon’s defense, his heart was certainly in the right place.  In one sense, Damon understands Elena’s dark side, in a way no one else does.  He knows and respects the part of her that isn’t all hearts and roses.  Damon also hates to see Elena in pain, and instinctively understood, that, in the days, following her last living relative’s untimely demise, Elena needed a vacation from the more self-righteous aspects of herself.

What I think Damon SERIOUSLY underestimated, was Elena’s capacity and hidden affinity for BAD.  In a way, it was almost comical how shocked and offended the Salvatore Brothers were, when Elena started being rude and biting strangers, when that’s precisely what EVERY SINGLE VAMPIRE DOES WHEN HIS HUMANITY IS TURNED OFF!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t like Humanity Free Elena either.  But, perhaps, her existence was necessary, in order to get Damon and Stefan to take her down from that pedestal they both kept her on for three seasons.

The Pedestal . . .   Here was yet another way that Damon proved himself worthy of Elena’s love this season.  While Stefan promptly washed his hands of Elena, the moment she stopped behaving all sweet and cuddly around him . . .

. . . Damon merely shrugged off Elena’s “evil” antics, and became more determined than ever to get her the Cure . . . even if that meant losing her to her brother for good.  (And let’s not forget, that it was ultimately Damon who discovered the precise route toward FINALLY putting Elena’s humanity on reboot.)

Yes, the CURE.  Never has a plot device been such a royal pain in the ass .  . .

Damon made no bones about how he felt about the Cure.   He didn’t want it.  And he didn’t really want Elena to take it either.  Because as much as Damon deeply misses being human, and the touching vulnerability that comes with it .  . .

. . . he loves being a vampire more.  And I’d like to think that Damon wanted that for Elena too . . . wanted her to learn to accept the odd joys of vampirism, and come to accept her new self, even more than he simply wanted her in his bed at night .  . .

Yet, nonetheless, when Damon got his hands on the cure, at the end of the season, he was going to give to Elena . . . even though her humanity was on, and she was back to herself.  He was willing to give it to her,  if she desired it, because he valued her happiness above all else . . .

Well .  . . almost all else . . .

Damon Salvatore is not a black and white character.  He lives in the shades of grey, in between, even in seasons like this one, designed to show off his “softer, more romantic side.”    That’s what I’ve always loved about Damon.  Just when you think he’s going to go and get all mushy on you, he does something surprisingly shallow, like choosing death over taking the Cure, aging, and wrinkling that pretty face of his .  . .

I adore the fact that Damon can still be selfish and shallow, because it makes him all that much more real to me.  And I guess, based on Elena’s ultimate choice in the Season 4 finale, Elena Gilbert feels the same way . . .

Even an Eternal Stud Needs an Ego Stroke, Every Once in a While . . .

When every woman in the world is a sly smile, and compulsion-laced stare away from sleeping with you, it’s easy to get a swelled head.

Damon Salvatore always did a pretty stellar job of portraying himself to the world as self-assured, to the point of arrogance . . . about his looks, his strength, and, most importantly, his sexual prowess.

But beneath all that bluster and bravado, was a vulnerable vamp who was surprisingly insecure . . .  one who had been taught, by the first woman he had ever loved, that no one could ever love him, on his own merits.

In past seasons, it was always the external things that kept Damon from finding happiness with Elena.  HER feelings for Stefan . . . HER distrust of Damon’s motives . . .HER fear of the dark influence loving Damon would have on her soul.  But in Season 4, the greatest enemy to Damon’s finding happiness with Elena was Damon himself.    As thrilled as Damon was when Elena FINALLY chose to give herself to him, in early Season 4, he was also cautiously skeptical.

And it was this skepticism, that plagued his consciousness with doubt of Elena’s true feelings, the minute that pesky sire bond came into play . . .

After four seasons, Damon had come to accept Elena’s rejection, as a matter of course.   So, when she behaved differently with him, it was difficult for him to lower his guard and just live in the moment.

The look on Damon’s face in the Season finale, when Elena FINALLY chooses him, of entirely her own accord, is one of beautiful ecstasy, but also one of shock . . . almost as if he can’t believe that fortune and true love have finally found him . . .

Damon’s happiness in “Graduation” is hard fought, and well deserved.  As Damon fans, we rejoice in the opportunity to share this with him  . . .

At least until next Season, when the writers will undoubtedly screw it up . . .

And there you have it . . . Damon Salvatore in Season 4.

Next up?   The Big Bad with an odd penchant for drawing snowflakes, and collecting Caroline-sized dresses in his closet . . . Of course, I’m talking about Klaus Mikaelson .  . .

See ya then, Fangbangers!

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The Vampire Diaries Season 4 – RE-Vamped: Part 1 – Elena Gilbert – From Virgin to Vixen to Vampire and Back Again

Funny thing about recaps . . . they pass their “Sell By” date pretty quickly.  If you’re a day or two late . . . no problem.

But by about the fourth day after the episode aired, your detailed play-by-play is starting to smell a bit like sour milk.

This is particularly true during May Sweeps, when every night heralds a new season finale to discuss and dissect over the proverbial water cooler.

For this reason, I’ve decided that, instead of offering up your garden variety recap, this blog series is going to be more of a TVD Season 4 Retrospective, with a few Season 5 predictions / wishes thrown in for good measure.

Don’t get me wrong, I still ABSOLUTELY plan on talking about all the CRAZY that went down during “Graduation,” (How could I not?  I’m a Delena fan, after all.)  I’m just going to do organize things a bit differently . . .

What follows is a brief look at each Scooby Gang character’s arc this season.  We’ll talk about the Good . . . the Bad . . . and, of course, THE SILAS of each . . .

This first installment will feature everybody’s favorite Brunette Baby Vamp . . .

Elena Gilbert

Season 4 of TVD was definitely the Season of Elena . . .

Yes, yes, I know.  Every season of TVD is technically the Season of Elena.  She’s the Special Snowflake, after all . . . the character everyone loves . . .

. . . wants to befriend . . .

.  . . hates . . .

. . . wishes to enslave . . .

. . . wants to kill.

But this season, for the first time, plotlines had less to do with how other characters interacted with Elena, and more to do with how she reacted to them.  Perhaps, even more than that, Season 5 was about how Elena reacted to herself, and the Changes she was undergoing.

Turning Elena into a vampire was arguably one of the show’s most polarizing decisions.  On one hand, from a feminist perspective, it was nice to see an empowered, dangerous, Elena, as opposed to her damsel in distress incarnation from previous seasons.

On the other hand, on a show where so many of the main characters were vampires, it was difficult for fans to extensively sympathize with Elena’s struggles with transformation.  Yes, anger issues, blood lust, hunger, fangs popping out at inopportune times . . . these are all frustrating.

But the writers struggled to convince viewers that they were somehow MORE frustrating and painful for Elena, than they were for Stefan, Damon, Caroline, or any of the other vamps in Mystic Falls.

So, in order to make Elena’s transformation story uniquely compelling, the writers had to raise the stakes.  They made her incapable of drinking blood from anywhere other than the vein . . .

They made her first impulse kill a vampire hunter, and saddled her with a crazy-making Hunter’s Curse . . .

They gave her . . . the dreaded SIRE BOND . . .

Talk about polarizing!

I suspect if you ask TVD writers, many were surprised by how violently fans responded to this particular plotline.  After all, from a purely mythological standpoint, the strong bond of loyalty and obedience between Maker and Made is nothing new.  We’ve seen it on other vampire series, like True Blood and Twilight.

TVD itself even explored such a relationship previously between Klaus and Tyler.

The difference here was that, in this case, the Sire Bond wasn’t used as a plot device to bring characters together.  It was meant to break them apart.  Delena fans were frustrated by the implication that Elena’s being turned by Damon’s blood somehow cheapened the romantic relationship the pair had been gradually building with one another over the course of three seasons.

Furthermore, they were infuriated by the fact that the first time Damon and Elena FINALLY got to do the deed, it was interrupted by scary music, and an ANNOYING conversation, during which Caroline and Stefan explained the nature of the sire bond.

Damon fans were frustrated by the writers seeming refusal to let the Elder Salvatore Brother ever “get the girl,” under genuine circumstances.

They felt that the sire bond cast a dark pall over Damon’s actions toward Elena.  His rescue of her from the hunters curse, his solution to her “blood problem,” his acceptance of her new vampire form, when all her friends seemed to shun her, these should have been seen as gallant and romantic.  But, under the shadow of the sire bond, they seemed somehow manipulative and controlling.

Stelena fans, devastated by the couple’s break up, early on in Elena’s vampire transformation process, latched on to the sire bond as evidence that the Damon and Elena relationship wasn’t “real.”  But that didn’t make the coupling any easier for them to watch.

Vampire mythology gurus complained that the show’s explanation for the sire bond was inconsistent and nonsensical, not only in comparison to other series’ sire bond explanations, but to the rules the show previously created for itself.  They wondered, for example, how, if the sire bond was so rare, how Damon managed to have two women develop this bond to him, while all the other non-hybrid vampires of the world had none.

They asserted that if the sire bond developed as a result of preexisting feelings of love between Maker and Made than why did neither Stefan nor Damon develop such a bond with Katherine Pierce.

And finally they complained about how Elena, who seemed perfectly capable of disobeying Damon during the first week’s of her vampirism, suddenly seemed completely incapable of ignoring his plans, the moment the bond was revealed.

Come to think of it, perhaps, the Sire Bond wasn’t all that polarizing.  Pretty much, everyone hated it . . .

Fortunately for fans, the sire bond plotline only lasted a few weeks.  After that, Elena had another Unique Vampire Problem, with which to cope . . .  her newfound lack of Humanity.

Humanity Free Elena stemmed from what was, in my opinion, one of the most powerful, and well executed plot twists of the season . . . Jeremy Gilbert’s death.  “Stand By Me” was a heartbreakingly beautiful and powerful TVD episode, during which Elena literally lost everything she cared about . . . her brother .  . . her home . . . her will to live . . . and finally, her ability to love.

Given the careful and clever way in which Humanity Free Elena was introduced, I think many fans, initially, were on board with this new version of an old character.  They wondered how she would distinguish herself from Katherine . . . the other “Bad” version of a character played by Nina Dobrev.

They gleefully, if a bit concernedly, contemplated how Elena’s newfound evilness would impact her usually all-consuming love life.  They tried to guess what type of “villain” Evilena would be . . .

The fans response to Humanity Free Elena was a bit of a mixed bag.  Some fans enjoyed just how different she was than regular Elena.  To the writer’s credit, unlike with their development of Ripper Stefan, back in early Season 3, the TVD crew pulled no punches here.  As far as “moral compass” characters go, Humanity Free Elena was pretty terrible.  She insulted EVERYONE . . .

She tried to eat most of her friends . . .

She broke the neck of random waitress . . .

She stole clothing and cars . . .

She dyed her hair pink .  . .

And yet, as a villain, Elena wasn’t quite as much fun as others of her ilk.  She wasn’t a master of wry one liners like Damon . . .

. . . or a sex kitten like Katherine . . .

She lacked the dignity of Elijah . . .

.  . . and the unexpected charm of Klaus.

Even Ripper Stefan, at his worst, had a sort of so- frightening-you-can’t-look-away ravenous menace to his character that Evilena lacked . . .

As for the show’s EPIC love triangle, Elena’s lack of Humanity, for all intents and purposes, placed it entirely on hold, frustrating fans on both sites of the Stefan versus Damon debate . . .

But, eventually, like her Inability to consume blood bags, her Hunters Curse, and her Sire Bond, Elena’s lack of humanity came to an end.  The plotline concluded with a touching reaction on Elena’s part to the almost-death of her first boyfriend Matt.

At this point, the storyline shifted away from Elena, and on to Silas, his Apocalypse, and of course the Cure . . .

Having made quite a few missteps with Elena’s characterization this season, I think the writers ultimately got it right at the end.  Giving the cure to Elena’s nemesis Katherine was an inspired move, for a few reasons (most of which, I plan to discuss in the Katherine section of this series).

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For one, it showed that the cast and crew were committed to Elena’s continued vampirism.  They didn’t take the easy way out, by “undoing” it at the last moment.

Another thing the writers did right was having a humanity full, vampiric, non-sire bonded or hunters cursed Elena choose Damon during the season  4 finale, just as she chose Stefan at the end of Season 3.  For starters, this choice will enable the writers to truly explore the Delena relationship under genuine circumstances, something they never got a chance to do in Season 4.

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Now, I may be in the minority here, but I adored Elena’s declaration of love to Damon in “Graduation.”  Her insult-laced monologue was more romantic to me than any goopy poem about roses and hearts ever could be.  For me, it perfectly summarized what captivated me about this relationship, when it was first introduced, back in the middle of Season 1.

That Damon loved Elena when she was a human was a foregone conclusion.   After all, Human Elena was easy to love . . . kind, generous, sweet, and damn near perfect.

But the true test of Damon’s love for Elena came when she became a vampire . . . Flawed, and, at times, savage.

Vampire Elena was not quite as easy to love, as her human counterpart.  This is evidenced by the way other members of her Scooby Crew, began to treat Elena, shortly after her transformation.

And yet, when everyone turned against Vampire Elena, Damon stuck by her.  He told her that he loved her unconditionally, for exactly who she was . .  . human or vampire . . . wild and impulsive or restrained . .  . tough or vulnerable.  Those were just the details.  None of them mattered to Damon.  She was still the girl of his dreams.

Up until this point, Damon’s insecurity regarding his relationship with Elena had to do with the fact that he was never sure that she felt the same way about him, as he did about her.  Back in the earlier seasons, Damon always felt like Elena was trying to turn him into Stefan.  She seemed to be constantly judging his actions, urging him to DO better, and BE better.  Then, the Sire Bond came around.  And even though, during that time, Elena seemed altogether accepting of Damon, he could never be sure whether her acceptance was real.

However, in the finale, Elena stands before him and confirms, vehemently, that yes, Damon can be impulsive, aggressive, short-sighted and foolhardy.  She knows this all too well about him.  Yet, Elena loves Damon, not just in spite of his worst attributes, but because of them.  And isn’t that really what all of us want in a true love?  Someone who can not only appreciate and embrace our beauty, but our ugliness as well?

Presumably, next season will feature a brighter, shinier Elena than this Season incarnation.  Her brother is alive again.  Her humanity is on.  She’s got a new hot boyfriend to whom she isn’t sire bonded.  All is right in the world . . . at least until about five minutes into the Season 6 premiere . . .

And there you have it … Season 4 Elena in a nutshell.  Next up, the eternal stud of the Salvatore Household . . . Damon!

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Death Takes a Holiday – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Walking Dead.”

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Impending Apocalypse notwithstanding, our Mystic Falls Scooby Gang seemed to be having a pretty good day, in this week’s “The Walking Dead.”  Old friends were reunited . . .

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Old scores were settled . . .

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And lots of liquor was imbibed . . .

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Not for Bonnie, though.  Her day kind of sucked.  Apparently, all dark magic expression and no play, make Bonnie one dead witch . . .

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And let’s not forget Silas.  In the course of a single hour, the guy  went from being Caroline to Stefan to Alaric to a statue of Alaric, stolen from Madame Tussaud’s museum of frozen celebrities . . .

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He kind of looks like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

The Homicidal Maniac Workout Plan

Personally, I’ve always really admired Elena Gilbert’s dedication to fitness . . .

I mean, here is a girl, who, as a human, took down a supernaturally strong, ridiculously buff, vampire hunter, just because she was REALLY PISSED OFF.

This is one scrappy special snowflake!  Throughout the course of the series, quite a few episodes have been dedicated to Elena’s take-no-prisoners workout regimen.  I smell an exercise video in the works!

This week, Elena begins the episode in workout mode once again.  She’s breaking cement blocks with her feet, and doing chin-ups on the ceiling.

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Stefan hopes all this exercise will make Elena forget she wants to murder Katherine . . .

Yeah . . . not so much . . .

Caroline is on Distract Elena Duty too.  But instead of fitness, she opts to involve Elena the Orphan in Graduation Invitation Stamping?

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Great idea, Caroline.  Reminding Elena that her family members are dead, and can’t attend her graduation, when some of those family members are dead because of Katherine, is DEFINITELY going to keep Elena from wanting to kill Katherine.

The Scooby Gang really should have considered putting Damon on distract Elena duty . . .

Just saying . . .

Meanwhile over in the Forest Where Bad Things Always Happen . . .

Stuck on You

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Foreshadow much?

Bonnie and Katherine each have something one another want.  Katherine has a big ugly rock from Silas’ grave.  Bonnie has the power to make Katherine invincible.  (Sounds like a fair trade to me!)

Not trusting that Katherine will give up her precious Big Ugly Rock, on her own volition, Bonnie does a spell that physically links Katherine and Bonnie together.  This means neither can go more than 25 feet from the other, without being shocked, like a dog running up against one of those electric fences.  It’s kind of like a Restraining Order in Reverse.

Now, personally, if I was Katherine, I would have used this to my advantage . . . and told Bonnie I hid the big ugly rock at a five-star hotel in Aruba.

This way, at least I’d get a good vacation out of the deal . . . even if it meant having to share a hotel bed with someone who probably mutters in Latin, and suffers from bloody noses, in her sleep .  . .

“Can you ask room service to bring up some extra tissues?”

Instead, Katherine just gives up the Big Ugly Rock.  Lame!  You’re going soft on us, Kitty Kat . . .

Silly Rabbit, Blood Bags are for Vampires . . .

When I was a kid, I always assumed that the real reason you left cookies and milk for the fat guy in the red suit, on Christmas Eve, was so that, after he broke into your home through your chimney, he’d be full and happy enough not to make off with your valuables and eat the family pet.  Pretty morbid huh?

For the same reason, I always thought that taking the blood bags out of Mystic Falls Hospital was a terrible idea.    You’re not protecting the hospital from hungry vampires, you’re just taking away their cookies.  And when Silas doesn’t have his cookies (particularly when he needs them to Bring About the Apocalypse in 24 hours), he’s just going to change his face into the pretty nurse from the reception desk, and eat all your patients.

Now, you’ve got this whole stockpile of blood bags, and no one to use it on, except the population of vampires you were hiding it from in the first place.

Let that be a lesson to you about leaving Santa his cookies, Lizard Forbes . . .

You Can’t Get Blood from a Stone . . . or Can You?

It’s getting mighty windy at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

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This couldn’t have something to do with the whole Drop the Veil / Apocalypse thingy, would it?

Nahhhhhh!

Elena may have her humanity back, but she’s still being a heinous b*tch.  She tells Rebekah that she’s not her friend.  And she refuses to apologize to Caroline for calling her repulsive last week.  At least Humanity Free Elena liked to party . . .

Homicidal Elena just plays darts, and pretends the board is Katherine’s face . . .

Someone get this girl a Midol please, because this Vampire Period has gone on way too long . . .

When the power goes out in Mystic Falls, starting from the three points where all those people died, the Scooby Gang figures out that Bonnie is triggering the “Expression Triangle” and dropping the veil, BEFORE the Full Moon.  They race to the center of the triangle to find her, which, of course happens to be right in that magical place they never go . . . SCHOOL.

Elena can give two craps about Bonnie and her Apocalypse Schmocalypse.

She just wants to kill Katherine.  But then she finds out Bonnie is WITH Katherine.  And she’s ready to go in, all guns blazing.

Warrior Princess Mode Activated . . .

She even provides the Gang with a key piece of information, which helps them to get underground where the spell is occurring.  Who knew Elena had such an intimate knowledge of the school’s underground passageways?  It looks like someone’s been spending science class making out in the boiler room . . . You go, Elena!

Underground, Bonnie’s hugging a rock and making it bleed.

Personally, I prefer my magic tricks to be of the Cute Fluffy Rabbit Pulled Out of a Hat variety.  But that’s just me.  Anywhoo, I guess the veil is down now.  At least around Mystic Falls . . .

Back upstairs, Damon tells Elena that she isn’t allowed to play in the Stop Bonnie / Potentially Kill Katherine games.

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So, she stakes his ass.

This is becoming a highly abusive relationship . . .

Fortunately, Damon gets a helping hand from a surprising source . . .

They’re BAAAAAAACCKKKK!

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Whether you are Team Delena, Team Stelena, or Team Klaroline chances are you are still on Team Badass . . .

This bromance knows no bounds.  And the fact that Matt Davis’s “other” show has recently been canceled, means that this relationship just might live to see another season . . .

How sweet of Alaric to keep a watch over his errant vampire buddy from the Great Beyond!

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Alaric helpfully explains that, at this point, the “Veil” to the “Other Side” is only down around Mystic Falls.  This means that while, theoretically speaking, every supernatural dead creature CAN cross over to the Land of the Living, only those still on contract with the CW actually do it . . .

Sorry Megan Fox.  That doesn’t include you.

And while Damon is thrilled to see his long lost buddy, he can’t help but be a wee bit skeptical.  After all, Silas has been wandering around impersonating literally everybody by Damon’s mother.  So, why wouldn’t he impersonate Alaric too?

Alaric is a bit hurt that Damon would accuse him of being Silas.  But he’s more than ready to prove he’s the Real Deal.  Would Silas know about the duo’s Secret Alcoholic’s liquor stash at the high school?

“It’s really YOUUUUU!”

Actually, I hate to break it to you Damon.  But . . . yeah . . . Silas would totally know about Locker 42.  That’s what he does!  He gets into people’s heads, and uses their inner most thoughts against them.

So, while I’m totally with Damon in wanting Alaric to be real.  There are some things that happened later in the episode, which made me question the veracity of this reunion.  Let’s just leave it at that.

Meanwhile, over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Matt and Rebekah are trying to have a Romantic Candlelight Apocalypse Dinner, when they get cockblocked into engaging in an Undead Family Reunion of their own . . .

That Kol.  He really is one perpetually pissed off dude, isn’t he?  He makes Big Brother Santa Klaus look downright congenial . . .

“Thanks for making me look good, Kol.”

Theoretically speaking, the untimely death of Jer Bear, should have rendered Kol free of that pesky “Unfinished Business” that seems to plague so many miserable ghosts these days.  But nooooo!  Kol has to get greedy and kill Elena.  He even makes a shiv out of a liquor bottle and stabs Matt just for sh*ts and giggles . . .

“Why is everybody always making me bleed?”

Rebekah quickly jumps to offer Matt some of her vampire blood.  But Matt politely declines.  “My position as the sole human character left on this show, makes me so much less likely to get killed off.  So, I’m going to stay away from the Big Bad Vampire Juice, if you don’t mind,” he explains.

Beks heads off in search of a first aid kit . . . a HUMAN one.

Doppelganger Hijinx Etcetera

Katherine asks for slack on her Bonnie leash to investigate a noise she hears in the basement.  Surprise!  It’s Elena.  So, are these two kicking the sh*t out of one another going to become like a weekly thing?

Meanwhile, Bonnie’s down the hall, screaming and moaning, because Elena is hurting her “feelings twin.”  That’s what you get for linking yourself to someone who everyone wants dead, Bon-Bon.  It’s the reason she wanted invincibility in the first, place, HELLO!

Plus, since Bonnie already used that Big Ugly Rock to bring down the veil.  She doesn’t really need to be linked to Death Trap Kat, anymore, now does she?

While “Caroline” convinces Bonnie to break the link, Stefan heads off to intervene on yet another fight between his two ex girlfriends that has absolutely nothing to do with him . . .

“When did everybody stop loving me?”

Homicidal Maniac Elena is not the least bit amused with Stefan for ruining her murder games.  And the fact that he did it to prevent Elena from inadvertently killing Bonnie does little to diminish girlfriend’s rage.  “Dead Bonnie, meh,” Elena shrugs the idea off.  “Here, Stefan.  Have a date with my fist.”

Now, Elena, if you keep beating up your boyfriends they won’t worship the ground you walk on, anymore!  (Who am I kidding?  It’s your show.  They will ALWAYS worship the ground you walk on . . .)

Meanwhile, back at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Rebekah finds Caroline in a bit of a psychological pickle . . .

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But wait . . . isn’t Caroline with Bonnie?

SILAS, YOU RAT BASTARD!  You’ve done it again!

So, while Beks is gently breaking Real Caroline out of her Silas-induced Mind-Mush . . .

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Bonnie is being taunted by FAKE CAROLINE / REAL SILAS.  Who dances around her in a circle, turning into a different face, every five seconds.  Silas helpfully explains to Bonnie that the ugly Uncle Fester / Voldemort mug was nothing more than just a ruse, to make Bonnie believe he couldn’t get into her head anymore.  You know what that means, don’t you Fangbangers?  Silas is hot.  Just like everybody else on this show.  SURPRISE!

Just once I’d like for there to be a villain on this show whose truly hideously deformed.  It might make for a nice change of pace, you know?

I hear this guy is available . . .

Silas also throws in a piece of mythology we all might have forgotten about . . . The Hunters Curse.  Theoretically, Silas should have been suffering from it, after he drained Jer Bear of Blood.

And yet, it makes sense that the Beautiful Mind Guy, who gets into people’s brains and impersonates others, like it’s his job, would be able to easily defeat a curse that involves . . . someone getting into your brain and impersonating someone else .  . .

So, much for that useless piece of mythology . . .  Silas hears Damon in the distance.  So, he decides to turn into Alaric, and make Bonnie believe she’s suffocating.  Like I said, it’s a bad day for Bon-Bon . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Special Snowflake Cemetery for dead Gilberts . . .

Welcome back, Jer Bear!

Unable to murder Katherine, Elena is stuck with dealing with those pesky emotions, she’s been trying to bury for a third of the season .  . .

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Uhhh . . . Elena?  Not to be insensitive or anything, but haven’t you only been feeling like “this” for the past two minutes?  Before that you were all . . .

Fortunately, for Elena, yet another distraction is conveniently heading her way . . .

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Yes, that’s the nice thing about impending death, it prevents you from being depressed about the deaths of others.  And Suicidal Elena seems more than ready to meet her Maker.  After all, most of her friends and family are already on the “Other Side.”  At least they were, until that whole “veil dropping thing” that happened about five minutes ago . . .

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Hey, remember back last season, when Kol and Jer Bear were batting cage buddies?

Those were the days, huh?  Now, Kol is in a murderous rage all the time, and Jer Bear is . . . well .  . . doing this . . .

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Except, it actually ends up being Stefan, who breaks Kol’s neck just when he’s about to finish his oh-so-cliched villain line:  “Kill me once, shame on me.  Kill me twice. . .”

DAMMIT STEFAN!  I wanted to hear the end!

Cue the Gilbert Family reunion . . .

No, not that one!  More like this one . . .

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Back underground .  . .

Be Calm . . . Kill . . . SILAS?

Bonnie thinks she’s suffocating.

But Grams pops by to tell her  . . .

“Just kidding!”

This episode actually contains within it a surprisingly inspirational message about mind over matter.  All these big strong supernatural characters are repeatedly being undermined by the limitations of their own brains.  In other words, ending the World’s Apocalypse really comes down to nothing more than good old fashioned “positive thinking.”

And positive thinking is exactly what Bonnie does, when she sees “Alaric” and makes believe he’s turning to stone.  And then, that’s precisely what he does . . .

“Kind of feeling a bit stiff here!”

Did I say Alaric?  I meant Silas . . .

At least we are meant to assume that it’s Silas.  But I’m still skeptical . . . more on why in just a bit . . .

Happy Happy, Joy Joy?

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I actually really hope this scene is real, because it was one of my favorites in the episode.  Alaric and Damon spend Alaric’s final moments, pre veil re-lift hoisting “Silas'” cemented body into a trunk, and getting toasted on cheap liquor.  “I thought you were cutting back,” Damon chides.

“I thought you were going to protect the children,” Alaric retorts.

Touche, Alaric!  And when Alaric gives Damon the cure he found in Silas’ pocket, and tells him to “get the girl.”  I’m cheering!  How sweet!  How fitting!  How perfect!  Especially when you consider how long it took protective pseudo dad Alaric/ Chunky Monkey to come around to the idea of a Delena Courtship .  . .

But then I thought:  “How do you get something out of the pocket of a person who is encased in cement?”

And then, I started to wonder if the thing encased in cement was really Silas, or just poor Alaric, who can’t seem to catch a break, even on his Dead Guy Holiday?

And if Silas is skulking around Mystic Falls, maybe that thing he gave Damon wasn’t the cure at all, but something else entirely. OR . .  . maybe it is the cure.  And he’s planning to pretend to be Elena or Stefan, so that when Damon gives the cure to them, he can take it for himself.

But that doesn’t matter, right?  Because in order for Silas to do what he plans to do, the veil needs to be COMPLETELY down, not just partially down like it is now .  . .

Cue Bonnie’s descent into magic fueled Dark Willow Madness . . .

Down goes the veil.  And Bonnie goes tumbling right after it . . .

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I wonder if ghosts still get nosebleeds . . .

In happier news, Damon wasn’t the only Salvatore who got to make nice with his Bestie, this week . . .

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Good ole, Lexie!  Always telling it like it is, and clearly shipping Delena from the great beyond.

Speaking of ships, it makes sense that Lexi would stamp her seal of approval on the Staroline relationship, be it platonic (like Stefan’s and Lexi’s, or otherwise) . . .

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Not only are they both blonde, perky, vampire barbie types . . .

Both Lexi and Caroline seem to bring out a surprisingly light-hearted humorous side of Stefan, we don’t often get to see on the show.  In short, he actually SMILES when he’s with these two.  And even broody Stefan deserves a laugh every once in a while . . .

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Now, whether that spells a romantic future for these two in Season 5, remains to be seen.  It also depends largely on This Guy . . .

And This Guy. . .

Speaking of romances up for grabs, Beks and Matt get yet another romantic romance cockblocked.  This time the culprit is Rebekah’s ancient ex with the distractingly long Fabio hair . . .

“Why do I suddenly feel like I’m on the cover of a bad romance novel?”

And his sexy vampire hunter friends . . .

Oh these three probably had quite the Hot Gay Dance Party over on the other side . . . Kind of wish I was there to see it . . .

But now, it’s all about the VENGEANCE!

Ruh-roh, Scooby Gang!  It looks like your graduation party just got a lot more crowded . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever] [ my tumblr]

Don’t Eat the Prom Queen! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Pictures of You”

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OMG, Fangbangers!  It’s Senior PROM TIME!  Can you believe it?  It seems like a really, really LOOONNNNG time ago only yesterday, that our scrappy Mystic Fall-ians were just innocent sophomores trying to make it through history class, without getting eaten by the broody new kid . . .

 

. . . or his hot older brother . . .

 

. . . or those 50 or so random people that all seemed to move into the town at the same time, even though no one had ever seen them before.  (Where were they living, all this time?  In an underground tomb?)

TV Prom episodes  are a lot prom itself, in the sense that people tend to have REALLY high expectations for them.  They are meant to encapsulate the series’ high school experience in a way that is nostalgic, romantic . . . EPIC . . .

“Pictures of You” wasn’t really that type of TV prom.  I mean, sure . . . the broad strokes were there . . . the pretty dresses . . .

. . . the cast mate who got crowned prom queen . . .

. . . a few sexually charged slow dances. . .

 

They had those past pictures of the cast appear on screen throughout the hour, which seemed designed to evoke nostalgia in the most literal sense possible . . .

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Yet, I wouldn’t really describe this as a typical High School Prom Episode.  And I think that has something to do with the fact that TVD isn’t actually a high school show.

Yes, yes, I recognize that it is technically a high school show, in the sense that the characters are supposedly of high school age.  But Mystic Falls High isn’t really a character on TVD, in the way that Capeside High, Degrassi, Constance Prep, or Neptune High were characters in their respective shows.  I suspect this has something to do with the fact that the students of Mystic Falls High never actually attend school, apart from the occasional decade dance, football game, or random gymnasium Klaus-mauling . . .

And this made it difficult for me, as a viewer, to care which lucky female won the title of Prom Queen Caroline was totally robbed, by the way. , which couple shared its last romantic slow dance together, and which heretofore virginal young couple would be checking in to the hotel upstairs, for a little cherry popping action.

In essence, I experienced the Mystic Falls High Prom much as Evilena did . . . which is to say, more or less, emotion-free, apart from a strong inexplicable desire to murder Bonnie Bennett . . .

Now, don’t get me wrong, Fangbangers.  This is not to say that I thought “Pictures of You” was a bad episode of TVD.  It just wasn’t . . . you know . . . EPIC.

Let’s review, shall we?

Burning Up for Your Love

“I thought these sorts of dreams were supposed to be wet.”

In the episode’s cold open, Bonnie travels to the cemetery, inexplicably dressed in an intensely ugly Bill Cosby sweater . . .

WHY, WARDROBE DEPARTMENT, WHY????

At this point in the series, Elena Gilbert has so many dead family members and friends, that the town has thoughtfully gone and dedicated an entire cemetery just to them . .  .

“I’m trying to Rest in Peace, but that loud sweater keeps waking me up!”

Usually it takes about a year to get a headstone on your grave.  But Jer Bear got his in about two weeks! Niiiiiiice!

Bonnie is tearfully paying her respects, when, who should pop up, but the Man, the Myth, the Legend . . . Mini Gilbert himself!

OK, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t what Jeremy was wearing  when he died . . . 

Now, the hoodie I vaguely remember.  But where did he get that  jacket, Dead Guys R’ Us?

Strange Fact about Dead Jer . . . he has an accent now?  Is that, like, something that happens to you in Heaven . . . you suddenly become British?  Now, I get that this isn’t really Jeremy, but, rather, Silas’ incarnation of the dead teen.  But no one else who Silas impersonated had an accent before.  So, I’m kind of confused.   Is Steven R. McQueen preparing for an upcoming role in Season 4 of Downton Abbey that I didn’t know about?

The Grantham Estate sure could use another wood chopper . . .

Anywhoo . . . JerBear tells Bonnie to “wake up.”  At first, she assumes he’s being metaphorical.  But it turns out the request is literal, as she opens her eyes to find her couch on fire.   Stop smoking in bed, Bonnie!

Trust me, you don’t want to die on this show.  You’re not a Gilbert, so you probably won’t get your own gravesite.  They’ll likely end up just shoving your ashes in some old shoebox, like poor Grams . . .

Dress You Up in My Love

It’s PROM DAY!  And everybody is getting ready.  Actually, just Caroline and Bonnie are getting ready.  Stefan and Damon are playing with their balls, while bitching about Evilena . . .

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And Klaus, Elijah and Rebekah are having a family meeting . . .

“Hey, do you think they will let us take this house set with us to our Spinoff Series?”

As we all know from last week, Elijah now has The Cure.  So, being the Good and Honorable Original Vamp he is, the Most Gentlemanly Mikaelson allows Rebekah and Klaus an opportunity to explain why each deserves it over the other.  This makes Elijah kind of like King Solomon .  . . you know, apart from the whole “cut the baby in half” thing . . .

“I once ate a baby.  Does that count?”

Though both Originals make strong cases, ultimately Rebekah wins!

So Klaus, who has never been known for being a particularly gracious winner, tells Beks that when she dies, he will watch her suffer, and then compel her to forget him.  How precious!  I think I read that on a Hallmark card once . . .

I know this shouldn’t be hot, because they are related and all . . . but it kind of is . . .

However, Elijah’s offer of The Cure to Rebekah is not without strings.  In a plot conceit that reminded me a bit of the kind of thing Rumpelstiltskin would do to his bevy of gullible Disney Princesses on Once Upon a Time  . . .

 . . . Elijah tells Beks that, in order to win The Cure, she has to prove that she can survive her entire Prom, without the use of any sort of vampire magic, whatsoever.  You know, kind of like the rest of us saps had to endure our proms .  . .

Fortunately for Beks, her new roommate and erstwhile Fairy Godmother Evilena is there to make sure she doesn’t f*&k things up, and lose her opportunity at humanity.  Because, as we’ve all been told about 80 times this season, a human Rebekah means NO chance for a human Elena.   And that’s precisely what Evilena wants . . .

There ain’t no party like a Humanity-Free Vampire Party!

In Prom Episodes, there’s always that awkward moment where Frenemies run into one another, while dress shopping.  And “Pictures of You” is no exception . . .

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Trying to eat your best friend will inevitably put a damper on any relationship . . .

It’s becoming a bit of a running joke on this show, that, whenever Evilena covets an item of clothing of someone else’s, she will inevitably end up wearing that item of clothing . . .

It happened with that random cheerleader’s ugly blue hair ribbon, and Katherine’s heels.  So, now, of course,  it’s going to happen with Caroline’s much beloved red prom dress . . .

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Even if that means the writers have to conveniently remove the vervain from the town water supply, in order to make it happen . . .  (Someone care to explain that one to me?  Was it Silas?)

Of course, Caroline’s loss ends up being Klaus’ gain, because it forces Vampire Barbie to come to him, seeking fashion expertise . . .

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Of course, Klaus always finds Caroline’s anger adorable, during the rare moments, when it’s not directed at him. And though it is a bit disturbing that Klaus seems to have a closet filled with women’s wear, cultivated solely for the purpose of lavishing a high schooler with gifts . . .

I couldn’t help but be touched by the fact that the Big Bad Original Vamp was willing to take time out from his busy day of World Domination and Silas Screwing to help Caroline cope with her Fashion Crisis.  Also, that dress? SUPER HOT . . .

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As another recapper mentioned, had this been a Typical Prom Episode, we would likely have been treated to a montage, during which Caroline tried on dresses for a bemused Klaus, possibly to the tune of Pretty Woman . . .

Instead, we got a sort-of montage of Silas trying on the faces of the entire cast.  But more on that in just a bit . . .

Love the way you lie . . .

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I don’t know about your prom, but mine was characterized  by a lot of false niceness.  People who had hated one another for four years, suddenly hugged and told one another they looked fabulous.  Everybody smiled for the camera, and took pictures with people they would never have spoken to, let alone touched, otherwise.

 Conversely, the Mystic Falls prom was pretty much characterized by everyone being an A$$HOLE . . .

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April told Rebekah she didn’t get any votes for Prom Queen . . . NOT ONE!

Matt and Elena both told Rebekah she was a terrible person, who never did anything nice, and, therefore, would make a hideous human . . .

Elena told Damon she never really loved him . . .

She then admitted to Stefan that she felt nothing, while dancing with him, because she lacked any sort of heart capable of such feelings . . .

Elena told Matt he should have turned his emotions off, back when Vicki died . . .

She told Bonnie that she was just a Brainwashed Crazy Person, who couldn’t bring Jeremy back, and was pretty much a reminder of everything bad that ever happened to Elena . . .

(OK, that part was kind of true.)

Back at the Klaus House, Klaus told Elijah that — even though Elijah gave Klaus the one stake that could kill him, thereby ensuring he would NEVER DIE at least not while his spinoff remained on the air and even though he is  now his Only Living Brother . . .

 . . . Klaus would still kill Elijah’s lover Katherine, pretty much just to be a dick . . .

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In return, Elijah basically told Klaus he was a pathetic being with no life . . .

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Personally, I think honesty is overrated.  If  any of you out there are about to hurt my feelings, because you feel that I “have a right to know the truth,” know that I’d prefer Sweet Little Lies, any day, and twice on Saturday.  Thank you very much . . .

Speaking of blissful ignorance . . .

I’m Just a Killer for Your Love . . .

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While Damon is drinking away the sorrows of (temporarily) lost love . . .

And Stefan and Caroline are reassuring one another that they will learn to love again, Bonnie is outside dancing with Faux Dead Jeremy, Who Now Inexplicably Has a British Accent . . .

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By the way, what’s the deal with Silas always rubbing up on Bonnie?  He did it as Shane.  He’s doing it as Jeremy.  He even talks about doing it, when he’s Stefan  . . .

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I get that Silas needs Bonnie to do his Apocalypse Spell or whatever (which, for the record, I thought was already done, after they killed those twelve witches).  But this kind of seems like more than that.  This seems like Evil Villain Puppy Love.

I thought Silas was all about that other chick . . . you know . . . the one he’s apparently trying to die for.  But something tells me, that, when this is all over, Silas and Bonnie will have become the new Caroline and Klaus . . . just in time for Klaus to get his own show.  Just my prediction . . .

Anywhoo, Bonnie gets all pissed at JerBearSilas for tricking her for the umpteenth time, and starts making all the car alarms go off in the parking lot.  This, I suspect, was supposed to make her appear “dangerous,” but actually seemed like a rather helpful trick.   I HATE when I’m in a large parking lot, and I can’t find my car, because I’m too far away from it to use that clicker thingy.  With Bonnie around, that wouldn’t be a problem . . .

In other Lost-Lovers-Sort-of-But-Not-Really United News, Klaus gave Tyler a ten-minute reprieve from his Eternity on the Run to share a single slow dance with Caroline on Prom Night . . .

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OK, OK . . . now, I don’t want to sound like an old stick in the mud.  I’m first and foremost a Forwood Fan. So, of course, I think Caroline’s and  Tyler’s Slow Dance Reunion in her living room was lovely.  All I’m saying is that, if I only had ten minutes to spend with the Love of My Life, before he went back to an Eternity on the Run, I wouldn’t spend it wearing so many layers of clothes, if you catch my drift . . .

Am I wrong?  Speaking of wrong . . .

Love Hurts . . .

After Rebekah’s adorable dance with Matt . . .

 . . . during which she tells the male bar wench that he’s “beautifully human” (which is sweet, in a sort of backhanded way, like being told you’re “refreshingly normal” or “not bad looking”)

 . . . her chance to be human starts to gradually slip from her fingers.  It all starts when Matt and Bonnie get crowned Prom King and Queen . . .

OK.  Let me pause for a moment.  Matt and Bonnie?  What the WHAT?

OK, Matt as Prom King, I get.  Everybody likes Matt.  That appears to be his sole defining characteristic on this show, apart from his talent for cleaning tables, and asking people if they want fries with that .  . .

But Bonnie?  Since when did Bonnie become the most popular girl in school?  Now, I’m not saying she was unpopular, per say.  It just always seemed like Caroline was the girl involved in student council, Miss Mystic Falls, cheerleading, dance committee, and all other school activities . . .

 . . . while Bonnie sat home and . . . lit candles with her mind.

When Bonnie was standing up there on that platform, part of me was expecting the pigs blood to fall down on her head, a la Stephen King’s Carrie . . .

But, instead Bonnie just almost got eaten by Elena, and proceeded to Mind Rape her . . .

Things start to get interesting, when Bonnie, after fighting with Elena, actually does start to do a little Stephen King Carrie homage, by making STRONG WINDS (flatulence?) blow around the dance hall.  Unfortunately, she leaves, before she can do any real damage . . .

My favorite part of the episode happens next . . .

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Evilena may have no soul.  But no one can say she’s not loyal.  Think about it.  How many friends of yours would be willing to eat a chick, just because she let you down . . .

Also,  let’s face it.  Annoying April had it coming . . . and not just because she didn’t let Rebekah be Prom Queen, despite the fact that girlfriend has been waiting 1,000 YEARS to go to a prom!

April just sucks . . . plain and simple.  And she deserved to be Elena’s snack, because of it . . .

So, of course, Rebekah has to be all “good” and save her. even if it means breaking her Human for a Day pact with Elijah . . .  just because Matt told her it was the “right thing to do”. . .

Things start to get a little crazy at this point.  This is because for pretty much the last ten minutes of the episode, the writers decide to have SILAS PLAY EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER ON THE SHOW . . . It’s like a one-man production of Hamlet . . . if Hamlet was evil . . . and had magical powers.

Silas is Damon . . .

 . . . leading Stefan into the woods, before promptly staking his ass.

Silas is Stefan . . . taunting Damon about the veracity of Elena’s feelings for him, before staking his ass . . .

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Silas is Jeremy, for the 87th time this episode  (Jeremy seems to have more lines as a dead fake British guy, than he did when he was alive), telling Bonnie to “control her anger, and “dangerous” tendency to make wind and  set off car alarms.

But most importantly, Silas is Rebekah, when he tells Elijah she “passed his test,” and promptly steals the cure from his hot little hands . . .

Oh Elijah . . . you really aren’t the smart brother, are you?

“That’s me!  That’s me!”

Out in the parking lot, Elena tries to kill Bonnie again.  And this time, Bonnie gets REALLY pissed off about it . . . as opposed to the slightly pissed off she was, the first time . . .

Elena (naturally) calls to Damon for help . . .

Once the pain threatening to blow apart her skull finally stops, Elena looks at her erstwhile lover. And there’s a brief moment between them that alludes to genuine feeling between them, not just on Damon’s side, but on Elena’s as well . . .

Upon seeing this, Damon and Stefan decide that the true route toward recapturing Elena’s humanity lies not in bombarding her with love, but in sex with DAMON!!! cultivating her fear of death.  I smell some hot torture scenes in our future . . .

We all know how much TVD enjoys those . . .

In the final scenes of the episode, Klaus obtains a cryptic message from Katherine, which sends him to his spinoff New Orleans . . .

 . . . while Bonnie encounters the REAL face of Silas, which is apparently disfigured, but probably only in that Sexy Ugly Way CW Stars are “disfigured.”

Next week on TVD, the much-awaited backdoor pilot of The Original makes its TV debut . . .

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Are you psyched or skeptical, my dear Fangbangers?

See you next time!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Katherine Pierce Project – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “American Gothic”

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Greetings Fangbangers!  Have you ever wondered what TVD would be like, if Katherine was its leading lady, instead of Elena?  Try this premise on for size: Nina Dobrev stars as Katherine Pierce,  an “ordinary” vampire gal trying to get her life back on track, in the “wacky” small town she’s compelled to universally adore her.  But when a REALLY Old Flame re-enters her life (Daniel Gillies, as Elijah Mikaelson) . . .

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 .  . . will Katherine be willing to give up the “normal”world she’s built for herself, for a second chance at True Love?

Also starring Sookie Stackhouse as “the Wacky Best Friend” . . .

Regina Mills as “That Bitchy Neighbor Who USED to Control the Town, until Katherine Came Along” . . .

Victoria Grayson as “The Other Bitchy Neighbor” . . .

Nick Miller as “The Hot Bartender / Handyman” . . .

 . . . and Daenerys Targaryen as “That Crazy Lady Who is Always Babbling About Her Dragons” . . .

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Coming this Fall to NBC (because the CW doesn’t do Sitcoms . . . or shows featuring characters over the age of 25).

With a shiny new locale, and two previously-absent characters taking center stage for much of the hour . . .  

ELIJAH . . . .

 .  . . this week’s pre-hiatus (Another one?  Already?) installment of TVD certainly felt like a different show.

Personally, I think it made for a nice change of pace.

So, ease on down to Death Diner, and don’t forget to tip kill your waitress . . .

 . . . because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

Dark Clouds and Silver Linings

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After hours on the road, Thelma and Louise Elena and Rebekah conveniently take a rest stop at the one town that just so happens to contain Katherine Pierce.  They know they are in the right place, because Elena’s roadside snack mistakes her for Katherine, just seconds before the Big Bite . . .

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As I suggested in the introduction, I  love the idea of Katherine compelling an entire town to be her Happy Meals.  And I kind of wish we got to explore it further.  The way the townspeople were compelled to ONLY remember Katherine when SHE was talking to them, and not when anyone else inquired after her (as Rebekah tried to do, in the first scene)?  Absolutely brilliant!

I was also intrigued by the fact that the supposedly stone cold Katherine appeared to be taking into account all the Bite Fetish Preferences of her various food sources.  Case in point, that one chick preferred to be bitten on the wrist, and actually appeared hurt and offended when Elena-as-Katherine seemingly ignored her wishes.

 That’s kind of chivalrous of Katherine, don’t you think?  Especially when you consider how many people she likely feeds from in that town, and the wide range of wacky ways on which each probably prefers to be fed.  How does she keep track of them all?  Perhaps, she keeps a list somewhere?  Or maybe even. . . A DIARY?

“Today the mailman told me he would prefer I only feed on him, by biting him in the ass.  Too much?”

Silver Lining: Rebekah and Elena ultimately find Katherine.

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Dark Cloud: Upon being discovered, Katherine promptly kicks Elena’s ass.  (Then again, depending on how you feel about Elena, maybe that could be construed as a silver lining too . . .)

Also on the road, on the hunt for THE CURE . . .

 . . . are Stefan and Damon.

Silver lining: Damon finds his precious car, which the girls abandoned on the road, in favor of a newer shinier model . . .

Dark cloud: It’s out of gas.

While refilling the tank, Damon and Stefan agree that New Elena kind of sucks ass, because she steals ugly blue ribbons from cheerleaders hair, eats people without wiping off her mouth, steals cars, and, perhaps, most importantly, won’t sleep with either of them . . .

Silver Lining: Mutual rejection by Elena = Salvatore Brotherly Bonding, something we haven’t really seen in a while on this show.

“Kiss me, you fool!”

Dark Cloud: This means that we’re going to have to wait until Damon takes another shower for us to see him naked again. 🙂

Silver Lining:  Damon showers more than any character on this show.

So, right about now, you are probably wondering what the deal is with this whole “Dark Cloud / Silver Lining thing.  Is this my new gimmick?  Is it going to replace my obsession with Surprised Monkey . . .

Scared Baby . . .

 . . . or this completely random picture of Stiles from Teen Wolf?

No.  Honestly, I just really liked the way Stefan said “Dark Cloud” in this scene . . .

Truth: if Stefan said the words “Dark Cloud” like that in every episode, I would be much more attracted to his character than I am now . . .

 . . . just not enough to become a Stelena fan.  Sorry.  I’m not sorry.

A Beautiful Place to Die

Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Klaus has a really bad boo-boo, in a Naughty Place that he can’t scratch.

Sorry ladies, I’m talking about his back . . .

Silver Lining: Caroline comes to his rescue, and is being all flirty with his shirtless, in pain, possibly dying, ass, by cupping his face in her hands, and giving him big pouty googly eyes.

Dark Cloud: Oops, did I say Caroline?  I meant Silas, who decided to make himself look like Caroline, just for sh*ts and giggles.

Wait . . . so this guy is a cross dresser, now?

(BTW, “Caroline” makes a much better Silas than Professor Bushyhead Dumpy Dork . . . just saying.)

Back in Katherine Town, Klaus Barbie Rebekah, has come to Evilena’s rescue,  and introduces Katherine to a little ass kicking, herself.  The two hot vamps muse about what a beautiful place the town is to die.  Meh, I’ve seen much prettier places to die . . .

Everyone’s hungry.  So, the three girls take a break from their mutually assured,  oddly sexually charged ass kicking of one another, to eat some pie at the local Death Diner.  That’s such a Dude thing to do, isn’t it?  Settle your differences with fisticuffs, and then go eat immediately after, as if you all didn’t just try to kill one another . . .

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Doppleganger Hijinks 2: Electric Boogaloo

At Death Diner, the Search for the Cure has hit a bit of a snag.  Katherine won’t give up the goods . . .

 . . . so the three girls sort of just hang around acting passive aggressive with one another, while occasionally stabbing one another with forks.

Then, Elena hits pay dirt, when she notices a conveniently placed appointment on Katherine’s phone with the mysterious “EM.”

Tsk, tsk Katherine.  One would have thought you’d have more creative nicknames for the dude you’re screwing than just his initials.

Anywhoo, Elena decides that she’s going to impersonate Katherine at this meeting, something I’ve been wanting her to do, since Katherine first appeared.   You see, Katherine was always actually really GOOD at playing Elena.  And it was always my secret hope that Elena would SUCK at playing Katherine, and that it would be hilarious to watch.  I wasn’t wrong.

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Kudos to Nina Dobrev for instinctively realizing that Elena is a bad actress, and using that to her best advantage.  Everything about this scene is filled with win, from Elena’s ridiculous exaggeration of Katherine’s mannerisms, to Rebekah’s acting advice “make your voice deeper . . . more mannish,” to the look on Katherine’s face, when Elena insists on taking those killer high heels.

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Back in Mystic Falls, Caroline is also suffering from a case of mistaken identity.  Klaus thinks she’s SILAS AGAIN!  He’s pouting and telling her to leave him alone, like a 10-year old, getting accosted by a bully.

Then, Caroline makes some inane comment about prom committee, and Klaus realizes that this type of shallow, single-mindedness just can’t be faked.  HIS LADY LOVE IS HERE TO RESCUE HIM!  HOORAY!

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Back in K-Town, Elena meets Katherine’s “friend.”  SURPRISE!  Not really.  It’s Elijah.

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Bigger surprise?  He starts eating “Katherine’s” face.  And DAMN is he a good kisser!

Once again, I’m wishing I was watching the Katherine Show, so we could see what these two are like between the sheets.  I’m thinking it would be pretty torrid!

Reading the message boards, I notice that quite a few people were bothered by this development . . . specifically, the way it “tarnished” the image of Elijah as the consummate gentleman, the “smart brother,” in the words of Rebekah, i.e. the only male character on this show immune to sexual manipulation by girls who look like Nina Dobrev.

(For the record, while Elijah is still my favorite Original, flaws and all, I’m pretty sure the title of “Smart Brother,” should go to Kol.  No fawning over teenagers for that guy!  Then again, I guess being smart didn’t do him much good, in the long run, considering he spent more time in a coffin than any of his siblings.)

I certainly understand that sentiment, and felt the same way to an extent.  And yet, the new knowledge that Elijah occasionally thinks with his weiner . . .

 . . . does make him seem more three-dimensional and real.  And this “character veracity” will be important, once the character is carrying his own series.

But back to that kiss.  To Elijah’s credit, he knows enough about tonguing Katherine to determine when he isn’t doing it.  And this is one of those times.  Ruh-roh, Evilena!

Hide and Seek

Back at Death Diner, the Salvatore Brothers join Katherine and Beks at their table.  “There goes the neighborhood,” indeed!  In the course of a single episode, what was once a One-Vampire Town is slowly becoming . . . well . . . Mystic Falls!

Katherine glibly reveals that she basically set up Elena to get murdered by her “friend” Elijah, and all but sky writes that her and the Original Vamp are currently doing the Horizontal Mambo, on a regular basis.

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 Salvatore Squared and Rebekah pretend to be disgusted by this.  But we all know they are secretly turned on / jealous.  Well . . . except for maybe Rebekah, who really shouldn’t be thinking about her big brother that way . . .

After some maneuvering, the group decides to split up, with Katherine grudgingly leading Damon and Beks to THE CURE, while Stefan copes with the Evilena Hostage situation.  Clearly, Stefan got the better end of the deal, since his “problem” was solved with a simple phone call.

“Don’t kill my version of Nina Dobrev, and I won’t kill yours,” Elijah offers, more or less.

Elsewhere in K-Town, Katherine takes Beks and Damon to a house she claims is hers, though it’s pretty obvious she either killed its original occupants, or compelled them to give it to her.  She did, however, have time to put her own touches on the place . . . like have an empty fishtank filled with vervain water installed right in the middle of the living room.  Classy!

“What a waste of a good tank!”

(By the way, remember back in Season 1, when vervain was this rare-hard-to-find plant that Uncle Salvatore was growing in small quantities in his basement?  Now, apparently the Mayor of Mystic Falls has enough to taint the ENTIRE town’s water supply.  And Katherine manages to get herself an entire tank full in East Bumblef*ck, PA.  What gives?)

So, Damon is reasoning out loud all of the different places Katherine would be most likely to hide the cure in her home.  And at this point, I’m literally screaming at my television.  “It’s in the SOAPDISH! CHECK THE SOAPDISH!”

But instead, Damon checks the fish tank.  So, this happens . . .

Should have gone with the soapdish.  That’s all I’m saying . . .

To Damon’s credit, there is SOMETHING in that fish tank that looks suspiciously cure-shaped.  Katherine ends up giving it Beks before bolting.

Then Beks holds the little bottle aloft, doing an excellent impression of Smeagol from Lord of the Rings . . .

“My precious!”

 . . . before downing that red goo like it’s a jello shot she’s just been given by the character James Franco plays in Spring Breakers . . .

Stefan runs in just in time to say, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” for the second time in two episodes.  But to no avail.

Glug, glug, Beks drinks the cure and promptly passes out (because everyone knows that James Franco’s character in Spring Breakers roofies all his jello shots).

When Beks wakes up she’s super excited about the whole “being average” thing.  She feels FREE!  She feels ALIVE!  She feels like getting knocked up, and popping out puppies, ASAP!  She feels . . .

 . . . like getting a stake thrown at her head by Damon?

And just when you think this will be the shortest Cured Vampire Life Ever, Beks catches the stake with her hand, and her wound immediately heals.

Human?  Not so much . . .

Sorry Beks, it looks like you just got yourself Katherine-d . . .

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Also finding fake stuff?  Caroline, who’s digging inside the blood, guts and goo of Klaus’ back, like he’s a turkey she’s stuffing.

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(I bet Klaus wished she was really “stuffing” him, if you know what I mean.)

This whole vampire bloodline conceit actually works well in this case, because it makes Klaus a “Special Snowflake,” just like Elena used to be . . . only this time it’s actually for a good reason.  Elena is a Special Snowflake, because if she croaks, the Salvatores will never get to bone her again.

Klaus is a special snowflake, because if HE dies, the Salvatore Brothers won’t be able to bone ANYBODY ever again, because they will die too . . . and so will Katherine . . . and Tyler . . . and Caroline . . . and Elena.  Because Klaus is pretty much indirectly responsible for the vampirization of the entire cast.

Caroline takes a pause from Back-Digging to remind Klaus (as she does every week) what a little sh*t he is, and how, even though she thinks he’s hot (especially shirtless), the fact that he’s tried to kill her and her friends multiple times, and succeeded a few, is kind of a major turn-off.

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She thinks Klaus should let the guy she’s been boning return to Mystic Falls, because that would be a Major Turn ON!

Wait . . . what?

Klaus yells back, more or less, “Don’t sass me, Little One!  I’m your Big Bad Special Snowflake!”

Then, POOF!  All of Klaus’ pain disappears . . . basically because it was never there in the first place.

Silas, you scheming Mind-Rapist, you!

Klaus thanks Caroline profusely for the magically curative powers of her Incessant Nagging. And it’s an oddly sweet moment . . . or at least as oddly sweet a moment can be, when you consider that Klaus is leaving the show in a couple of episodes.  And these two probably aren’t going to “happen” romantically, before then.

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Let this be a lesson to all you couples out there.  The next time your boyfriend or girlfriend chides you for being a pain in the ass.  Just tell them you are keeping them from feeling their imaginary back pain!

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The Real Deal

Back in K-Town, Elijah is holding Elena hostage, so that the Salvatore Brothers and his sister don’t kill Katherine.  But because Elijah is so civilized, this hostage situation involves genial smiles and polite conversation.

(Remember back in Season 2, when Elijah kidnapped Elena for the first time, and he was the Scariest Hostage Taker EVER?  A lot has changed since then . . .)

Elijah wants to know what happened to Elena?   She used to be such a nice girl . . . the kind of girl to whom you write elegant missives about the nature of her beautiful soul!  Now, she’s a total sh*t!

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Elena calmly explains how she became a total sh*t when Elijah’s girlfriend killed her brother.

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Then, to add insult to injury, she adds that she burned his love letter to her.  What a dirtbag move!

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Elijah seems genuinely bummed out about the death of JerBear.  (The two shared the same dedication to hair care products, after all.)  But he’s obviously more bummed out about the loss of those elegantly written sort-of letters.  Elijah is pretty much the William Darcy of TVD . . .

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Elena continues to needle Elijah, reminding him that Katherine is 100% manipulating him so that he can broker a peace treaty on her behalf with Klaus.  And Elijah just looks so sad to hear this, that I cheer when Katherine comes from behind and breaks Elena’s neck.  B*tch had it coming!

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But then Elijah gives Katherine the cold shoulder about the whole JerBear Murder, which has come to symbolize for him their entire relationship . . . a Tragic Sham, not to mention a Waste of Good Hair!

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To Katherine’s credit, she looks genuinely saddened by Elijah’s sudden rejection.  Though, at this point, it’s uncertain whether that sadness, comes from the actual loss of sensational sex with Elijah (which would certainly make ME cry, if I was her), or the fact that she’s pretty much just earned herself another 500 years of running from Klaus.

Whatever the real reason, Katherine makes strides to prove her loyalty to Elijah, by obtaining the ACTUAL cure (it was hiding in the Bite-Me-in-the-Wrist Chick’s house, from the beginning of the episode), and offering it up to Elijah to do with it what he will.

Elijah then reunites with his baby sister.  And the two of them head back to Mystic Falls. (In another stolen car, I presume?)

Back at Death Diner, Stefan and Damon continue to nag Elena about taking the cure.  So, she gets mad, and kills a waitress . . . in broad daylight . . . in front of EVERYONE.  (Though, I guess those who actually remember what happened will blame it on Katherine).  Elena warns the boys to stop trying to cure her, or she’ll keep killing random extras on the show.

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“Killing random extras on the show?  But that’s our job?”  Damon pouts.

“I know!”  Stefan commiserates.  “Evilena sucks.  Her and I are SO broken up.  It’s high time I got a life,” he adds.

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And it only took him about three-quarters of a season to figure that out!

Next week on TVD . . . hiatus.

The week after that . . . hiatus.

But after that, this . . .

Some are speculating that the Evilena in these promos is actually Katherine, given the focus in multiple shots on the bracelet on her wrist . . . a bracelet that looks remarkably similar to the daylight one Katherine refused to take off in this week’s episode.  But would Katherine risk returning to Mystic Falls just to play a trick on the Salvatore Brothers at prom?  Tune in two weeks from now to find out.