Tag Archives: curse

A Bad Day for Gingers – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Family Business”

cover image blondie

Sorry Brunettes, Gingers, Silver Foxes, and Raven-Haired Beauties! This week on Once, if your hair is not the color of sunshine, Tweety Bird or scrambled eggs, this woman wants you dead . . . like yesterday.

ouat 4.2 disney snow

“Is it too late to invest in some bleach?”

She’s Snow Hitler, basically . . .

Elsewhere in Fairytale Land, Belle did a pretty crappy thing to Anna for a pebble and an even crappier thing to Rumpelstiltskin for a hat box.

terrible dream

“Oh Rumple! I just had this horrible nightmare in which I acted like a total asshole for an entire episode . . . oh, you mean that wasn’t a dream? Crap!”

And Hook? Well, he didn’t do very much at all, save looking sexy and making some wry comments about how gosh darn incestuous Storybrooke has become . . .

everyone in town is related making eyes at eachother

making eyess

once a child

Still so pretty though . . .

So hug your favorite Rock Troll and steer clear of evil mirrors that talk too much, because it’s time for another Once Upon a Time Recap . . .

(You can check out the rest of this recap here.)

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Filed under ABC, Once Upon a Time

Last Weekend at JerBear’s (Part 2): A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Stand by Me”

the walk out

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Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.  These are the five stages of grief.  And they were all on display, during this Very Special Episode of The Vampire Diaries . . . each with their own supernatural twists, of course.

not crazy just passionate

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So, break out your hankies, Fangbangers!  Because this one is going to be a tearjerker . . .

damon soulful crying

(Oh, and please don’t forget to checkout my informal tribute to Jeremy Gilbert in Part 1 of this recap!  JerBear needs your support today!)

broken picture

[As always, special thanks to Andre for all the kickass screencaps you see here.  He claims he’s going to not read this recap in protest of it’s inevitably schmaltzy content.  But we don’t actually believe him, do we? :)]

shakes head

Denial

she's michael jackson

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“There’s absolutely no way that my brother is dead.  I am NOT in denial.”

It’s Elena who first discovers Jeremy’s limp and lifeless body, covered in his own blood.

hugging dead jer

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Poor guy!  Dumped unceremoniously on the floor, while Katherine escaped to lord knows where . . .

the kat thank me brought cure

 . . . and “Silas” sauntered off to literally “put on his new face.”

300px-Face_Off_Poster

A body like that deserves better . . . Ugly, decrepit, thousand plus year old Silas got his own entire tomb.  Sexy Jer Bear should have at least gotten a small mausoleum, complete with a life-sized marble statute etched in his likeness . . . kind of like Michaelangelo’s David . . . except maybe not as tall . . .

photograph body

steven tattoos

pictures of jer bear

She carries him all the way home from Nova Scotia swaddled in a blanket, like a baby.

swaddled jer

thats not a casserole

“That’s not a casserole!”

Trust me, if Jeremy was alive to see that, he would have hated it.  But Elena can’t help but baby Jeremy.  He’ll always be her little brother, no matter how old or supernaturally buff he gets.  Besides, he’s not really dead .  . . just taking a supernatural ring-induced nap . . . right?  RIGHT?

stefan shrug

Damon stays back in Nova Scotia to find the still-missing Bonnie, and break the bad news  about the cure to Rebekah.  This leaves Stefan and Caroline to deal with Elena, and pass one another “She’s cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs,” looks, as Elena straddles the dead guy in his bed, and cups his ringed hand in her own, like she’s about to propose marriage.  Jeremy would have hated that too!

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take it and get out

Morbid as these scenes were, I have to laugh when Stefan tries to prevent Elena’s vampire ears from hearing him talk about her to Caroline by . . . TURNING ON THE SINK.  Is this guy for real?  This is even more ridiculous than his TURNING ON THE MOTORCYCLE last week to prevent Klaus from overhearing him.

Damon eye roll

I am proud of Elena for putting those two in their places.

happy elena

She isn’t going nuts.

big bitch crazy

She has good reason to believe Jeremy is still alive . . . sort of.  After all, this isn’t exactly the first time Jeremy Gilbert has laid lifeless on his bed . . . In fact, it’s probably the fourth or fifth.

don't die jer

elena and jer

And besides, JerBear lost his manly tattoos in the caves!  That should make him human again, right?  And humans wear rings of immortality that actually work, in this world . . . even if wearing them eventually turns their minds to mush.  (Sorry Alaric.)

2 22 more drinking alaric vocal-masturbation

Elsewhere, in Denial Town, Caroline is hoping that a nice casserole will make everything better.  Stefan is finally coming to grips with the fact that his ex-girlfriend might just wind up remaining a vampire bonded to Damon for all eternity.  As for Damon, he’s in the forest, trying to convince himself he stayed behind just to find Bonnie . . . not not because he dreads having to face an utterly bereft Elena, and fears that he won’t be able to take away her pain.

damon dont judge

But then poor Jer’s body starts getting grey and stinky.  And for a girl with a vampire nose to avoid that, her denial has to not only exist, but be pretty darn deep.  Is there a doctor in the house?

vampire emergency

Anger

3 6 warrior elena

“NO!  It’s NOT science.  Where was science when you used vampire blood to save my life?”

Someone calls Doctor Meredith, who has to perform double duty as a coroner / undertaker, when she tries to convince Elena to “release the body to her.”  (Shouldn’t she be wearing gloves, a lab coat . . . a surgical mask . . . something?  Talk about unsanitary.)

2 11 best drunk hanna

Meri-DEATH drops a medical text book babble-filled truth bomb on Elena.

sad mer

“Blah, blah, blah, bloodloss, bloating, blah, blah, blah . . . lividity . . . YOUR BROTHER IS A CORPSE!  GET THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL!”

attack

“NEVERRRRRR! DIE, PUNY HUMAN!”

And honestly, I can’t blame the newbie vamp for going full on Mean Girls rage fest on her ass. . .

strangle regina

After all, when has TVD given two licks about SCIENCE?  Never!

We All Go a Little Mad Sometimes

“I like science!”

NOBODY CARES, SHANE!

This is a world where Mythological “Rules” are made to be broken, and science just plain doesn’t exist .  . . (which likely explains why the students at Mystic Falls High only seem to attend classes in history and gym).  Meredith, herself, probably had to get shipped off to Nova Scotia just to attend Med School.

hold back

Stefan immediately leaps into Hero Mode, in order to prevent Elena from murdering his wife The Only Doctor / Coroner / Undertaker / Supernatural Shrink in Mystic Falls.  But he need not worry.  All it takes is for Matt Donovan to pop by with his Cry Face, and Elena melts into a warm puddle of goo . . . as do we all . . .

Maybe this Matt Kid has superpowers, after all!

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Elsewhere in Anger Town, “Shane” breaks the news to Bonnie that JerBear has taken off his shirt for her for the very last time.  Girlfriend is so pissed that her hookup prospects have just been limited to . . . that guy who’s sort of/ kind of her brother, that she starts to burn down the ENTIRE FOREST WITH HER MIND!  Smokey the Bear would definitely not approve . . .

At this point, part of me was REALLY hoping that Bonnie would turn into the Lost smoke Monster and eat “Shane” ass . .  .

smokey

But alas, it was not to be . . .

soap dish smash

Also angry?  Perpetually Cockblocked Damon!  Damn that Stupid Bond for making him feel perpetually guilty about getting laid by the woman he’s loved for our seasons!  He’d like to KILL that sire bond, if he could.  But he can’t.  So, instead, he uses Rebekah as a human shield to block the arrow heading for his heart.  He then beats that Vampire Hunter Vaughn Guy, within in an inch of his life.

stabbin me

By the way, I’m still trying to figure out what that guy’s purpose on the show is exactly.  Has JerBear’s death and Tyler’s “disappearance” left an opening for Window Dressing on the TVD Casting Roster?  If so, why is Vaughn always wearing so much clothes?

dont understand

Bargaining

3 2 damon please

“I’ll do whatever it takes.”

Bonnie . . . Bonnie . . . Bonnie.  Everybody needs Bonnie.  She’s been the magical answer to seemingly every supernatural kerfuffle into which the gang has got itself embroiled in the past.  Why not this one too?

bonnie shane 2

The problem, of course, is that Bonnie doesn’t want to be found.  She wants to curl up into a ball and die, thank you very much.  So, “Shane” has to take drastic measures.  He has to get his eyes all wide and buggy, and mesmerize Bonnie into believing she could bring JerBear and his hot bod back to life.

ring around

When that doesn’t work, he literally brings back the dead .  . . albeit temporarily.  Suddenly, JerBear is on the floor asking Bonnie for help.  Nevermind that he is actually back in Mystic Falls stinking up the Gilbert house . . .

fake jer

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Bonnie doesn’t question it.  She’s still enamored with the memories of her hand running across that delicate firmly muscled skin.  She’ll do whatever it takes to get that body back.  Fortunately, “Shane” has the solution.  Bringing JerBear back to the world of the living?  It’s easy.  All you have to do is murder twelve innocent humans.  No biggie!

drinking shane

Just when Damon is about to return home Bonnie-less, the intrepid witch literally runs right into his arms.  Bonnie and Damon hugging?  Without trying to strangle one another, in the process?  Clearly, the apocalypse is upon us!

hug bonnie 1

hug bonnie 2

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BabyScared

Speaking of the apocalypse, since when did “Silas” become Keyser Soze from The Usual Suspects?  From the character’s mythological “too bad to be true” beginnings, to his masquerading as that doofus nerd, Professor Dumpy Dork  . . . They even had the temporarily incapacitated Vaughn borrow a line straight from that iconic film, when he was warning Rebekah about the big bad’s inevitable escape.  “How do you run from the Devil, if you don’t even know what he looks like?”

Yeah, I don’t know about you.  But I wasn’t all that shocked when the soon-to-be-dead Shane revealed that Silas had somehow assumed his form, in order to wreak havoc on Mystic Falls.

funny shane

“Anybody have a toothbrush I could borrow?”

I was only surprised he didn’t do it sooner.  That said, I have to say that”Shane” is much sexier as Evil Silas, than he ever was as that annoying, boring mythology spewing, Professor Dumpy Dork.  So, there might be hope for this character yet . . .

funny face shane

“You like me?  You really like me?”

Meanwhile back home, Matt brings Elena to school, to show her that it’s OK to still have hope for her brother’s survival.   And why not? School is a pretty hopeful place for the Scooby Gang.

school is rad

“So this is what our high school looks like.  I forgot!”

Think about it.  They haven’t been there for months, and yet no one has ever been expelled!

ok to have hope

ok to have hope 2 thistvd

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It kind of makes me wonder what the writers are going to do with the inevitable “college” transition for this group.  I mean, these guys are seniors, right?   Have they even applied to colleges at this point?  Have they taken their SATs?  I guess the crew is counting on compelling the admissions officers of the colleges of their choice.  Otherwise, I sincerely hope that Mystic Falls has its own community college . . .

tyler caroline laptop

Tyler: “I’m a Phoenix!”

Caroline:  “No you aren’t, Loser.  You’re a hybrid.”

Tyler: “No, I mean the online colle . . . never mind.”

Anywhoo, Damon brings Bonnie back home, and she explains Silas’ Wackadoo Plan.  Crazy TVD Mythology Alert!

warning

So, here’s the deal . . . Bonnie’s Desperate Loony Ancestor apparently somehow created this separate purgatory for all dead supernatural beings, all so that, when immortal Silas took The Cure and died, his Vampire/Witch self would be separated from his human beloved forever.  But if Bonnie murders 12 humans, that Other Side will somehow cease to exist.  This means that all currently dead Supernaturals come back to life, and all soon-to-be dead supernaturals, like Silas, can go to Heaven (or Hell) just like their human counterparts.

got to be kidding

Sounds great, right?  Except for the fact that some of these supernaturals are SERIOUSLY BAD DUDES .  . . folks like the Hidey Hole Vamps, Esther, Mikael, Kol, and those hot Vampire Hunters from the Original Five to name a few . . .  folks that the Scooby Gang REALLY doesn’t want to see come back to life.  Let’s not forget the fact that doing this involves KILLING MORE PEOPLE.

i told you so

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Aside from that, I’m pretty sure Silas/ Shane is full of sh*t.   I don’t think he has any plans for bringing these people back as anything but evil zombies, primed to do his bidding . . . but that’s just me . . .

nodding oh yeah

Except, maybe it’s not just me.  Because while Bonnie is spitting her Silas-imbibed Crazy Juice all over the Gilbert Kitchen table, Elena is getting this look on her face.  It’s a look of understanding . . . of realization . . . of knowledge . . . of  . . .

Depression

the match

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“There is nothing here for me anymore, Stefan.  Every inch of this house is filled with my love for people who have died.”

April calls looking for Jeremy, and Elena admits that he can’t come to the phone. . .  because he’s dead.  She admits it to April, at the same time that she admits it to herself.  There is no more denial.   No more anger.  No more bargaining.  All that is left is the stench of death, rising from Jeremy’s bed . . . and depression.

hes dead

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As the rest of the Scooby Gang looks on in horror, Elena impulsively drowns the house in kerosene.  She tosses Jeremy’s sketches, and his X-box on the floor, along with the dearly departed Alaric’s bourbon.  She gives Damon Jeremy’s immortality ring (a foreshadowing to Damon’s eventual inadvertent transformation back into a human?).

the ring

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She’s crying and babbling like a woman who has officially lost all of her family.

no more room

scaring me

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She’s scaring Caroline, who has made a vampire career in Keeping up Appearances . . . who hasn’t been able to reach Tyler to tell him what is going on, and who is being eaten up inside by grief, guilt, and concern for her friend.

broken down matt

Outside in his car, Matt has just dropped Wackadoo Bonnie at home, and has finally allowed himself to experience the loss he has been holding at bay for Elena’s benefit.  His wrenching release of emotion is arguably more heartbreaking than anything we’ve experienced throughout this entire emotional episode . . .

matt car breakdown

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Back in the Gilbert’s house, Elena is inconsolable.  She’s screaming and crying.  She’s in pain.  Suddenly, it’s as if all the familial losses of the past three seasons, that she’s kept at bay, in order to soldier on, have suddenly revisited themselves upon her, with a vengeance.

i hurts

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It’s one of the curses of being immortal.  You are doomed to watch the people you love die, over and over again.  And you can never join them.  It’s something Stefan and Damon have inevitably had to cope with in their long lives.

miss being human

But Elena is not 165.  She is only 18.  And she has already lost more loved ones than she can count on her fingertips.  She’s not sure she’ll be able to survive this . . . and, quite, honestly, neither are her friends.

im not enough

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Damon and Stefan both love Elena, in their own ways.  And it literally kills them to see her in this much pain.

big comfort

Stefan tells Damon to do what he has to do to help Elena, even if it involves invoking the dreaded sire bond.

help her

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I’ve actually given this a lot of thought.  I’ve tried to determine whether Damon had any other options available to him, to help Elena, aside from doing what he ultimately did.  Had he done nothing, but comforted her, and allowed her to cry on his shoulder, would she have eventually soldiered on?  Or would she have become so bereft that she ultimately took her own life, by meeting the sun?

comfort

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In terms of evoking the sire bond, was there some other command Damon could have given, aside from the one he ultimately gave to ease her pain?  My first thought was that he could have told her to simply substitute her sadness for feelings of hope and comfort.  But I suspect that would not have worked.  After all, though rooted in  love, the sire bond actually only effects actions, and cannot be used to CHANGE emotions, in and of, itself.

act not feel

A more practicable solution would have been for Damon to tell Elena to FORGET . . . FORGET that Jeremy had died. . .  FORGET all the loss she experienced.  Heck, he could even tell her to believe that Jeremy had stayed in Denver. And she would have believed it, if she thought that believing that would have made him happy.

jerelena

But would that have been a better solution, or an even more inhumane one?

intense damon

So, Damon did what I believe he truly felt was his only option.  He told Elena to turn off her humanity, and her emotions, even if it meant that her love for him would cease to exist.  He did it to spare her pain . . . possibly to save her life.  He did it to give her the gift of . . .

turn it off

want you to do

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Acceptance?

after the turn off

no feelings no attachments

“I’m not enough for her.  Not this time.”

Outside, for their very last Porch Scene, Damon and Stefan come to, if not necessarily a truce, at least an understanding of one another.  Damon explains to Stefan why what he did for Elena was the only possible solution in his eyes.

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know that 2

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Damon assumes he will eventually be able to use the sire bond to bring back Elena’s humanity, when the time is right.  But, honestly, I’m not so sure.  If the sire bond is seeped in Elena’s preexisting love for Damon, what happens when she no longer feels that love.  Will he still have the same hold on her?  That remains to be seen.

3 2 hello brother damon

Anywhoo, the loss of Jeremy, in a weird way, brings these two brothers together, who, despite their differences, are grateful to still have one another, even after all these years . . .

Inside, Elena gives her brother one last look, before coldly lighting the match that will ultimately incinerate her childhood home.  In telling Elena to reconsider her decision, Stefan is appealing to a humanity that Elena no longer has.  She answers dispassionately.

kerosene spill

jeremys drawings

What a waste of good artwork!

A home fire is the best excuse for Jeremy’s untimely demise.  So what if April Young, who was told Jeremy was dead hours ago, asks questions?  She could always be terminated . . .

april 2

In the final moments of the episode, Damon, Stefan and Elena leave the Gilbert House in a Slo Mo sequence that manages to be both Bad Ass and Utterly Depressing at the same time . . .

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It’s kind of like watching the opening scene to Reservoir Dogs over again  . . . after you’ve seen it before, and know that pretty much everyone is going to die . . .

Back inside the Gilbert household, Jeremy burns to a crisp, along with his drawings, his sneakers, his X-Box, and let’s not forget Elena’s diary.  Don’t fret, JerBear.  Other Side or No Other Side, you can rest assured you are going to get laid like a champ in the Great Beyond . . . Dead or alive that body of yours is just too good to resist!

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I’m burning up for your love, JerBear!

Next week on TVD, Evil Elena eats some cheerleaders, joins a nudist colony, and engages in a foursome with Stefan, Damon, and Caroline.  In other words, “Bring it On” is going to be the best fanfiction ever written!

See you in a few weeks, Fangbangers!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

The Boy Who Cried “Dead” (and the Wolf who Cried “Gone”) – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Down the Rabbit Hole”

life sucks get a helmet

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Hola, Fangbangers!  This week on TVD, someone DIED again . . . but maybe not permanently . . . it’s kind of hard to tell.

don't die jer

elena and jer

bonjer

elena stabs jer

2 22 jer alaric uzmama

Someone left Mystic Falls forever    for a REALLY, REALLY LONG TIME     for a few episodes, at LEAST!

tyler points

And someone RETURNED FROM ETERNAL EXILE, at least until her NEXT eternal exile!

the kat thank me brought cure

This is a big deal, right?  I mean these sorts of things don’t happen every week . . .

must be thurs

OK, you got me.  They kind of do happen every week in Mystic Falls.  But still!   When someone dies, they usually stay dead!

not dead forget your mistakes

When someone leaves, they usually stay gone!

shakes head

When someone returns, they usually stick around.

no no no its delena love

All these things could mean big changes for the show, as we know it.  RIGHT?

stefan shrug

No?  Oh well!  On with the recap, anyway  .  . .

[As always, special thanks to Andre, who will undoubtedly miss screencapping JerBear’s abs, just as much as I miss writing about them!]

Skin Care with Damon Salvatore

flawless

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When we last left Damon Salvatore, he was dead . . .

got to be kidding

No, seriously.  I don’t mean like “undead.”  I mean, that vampire hunter guy snapped his neck, and he wasn’t breathing.  (See what I mean about deaths being unusually passe and temporary, on this show?)

Anywhoo, Damon’s alive again now . . .

3 8 dance

Except, he’s got a noose around his neck, and is being humiliatingly dragged around Lost Island by the guy who “killed” him . . .

soap dish smash

These two are flirting with one another, something fierce.  The Vampire Hunter (who’s name is “Vaughn” by the way), compares Damon to a mosquito, an adorable pet name, if I’ve ever heard one.

mosquito

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He also tells Damon that he’s been watching him, and all his friends closely (Though, apparently, not closely enough to know that Damon doesn’t give two craps about Bonnie.); and that he plans to use him to wake and kill the Infamous Silas.

In return, Damon remarks on Vaughn’s nifty new tattoo (which apparently sprouted new wings around the same time THIS happened) .  . .

defans jeremy hulk

tattoo eee

Then, the eternal stud boasts of his own, supple, ink-free, skin.

know tatts

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Oh, just get a room already, you two .  . . or at least a nice hole in the ground!

We interrupt this Very Sexy Infomercial for another “Previously on The Vampire Diaries” phone conversation . . .  Take it away, Elena . . .

elena on phone

“Like previously .  .  . on The Vampire Diaries . . .  we all went to this crazy island, where dudes wearing dreadlocks and white face paint occasionally try to  stake us and shoot us with arrows.  But you and Tyler didn’t get to come, because you were  both busy getting hit on / almost murdered by Klaus.  And then, like,  Damon and I TOTALLY got into this big fight, because I want to take The Cure.  And he like . . . doesn’t?  And then he disappeared, and I thought it was because he was mad at me.  But I think he’s like actually in a lot of danger?  So, um, anyway, even though last week we said we had no cell phone reception here, and now it seems like we lied . . . would you mind going to Klaus’ house, picking up his sword map, and sending us pictures of it?  Because we totally came to this remote and dangerous island without any plan, whatsoever?”

caroline on phone

“What?  Elena?  I can’t hear you.  This is a really bad connection.  *makes fake static noises into the phone*  Ohhh, I think I’m losing you.  Gotta go. Have fun failing to get The Cure.  Byeeeeeee!”

elena on phone 2

“I can’t believe that b*tch hung up on me, on MY SHOW!”

Then, Caroline goes to Klaus’ house, so she can fondle his big ancient sword, which isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds . . .

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need my help 2

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“Thanks so much for your help!  Here, have a rock!”

Poor Not-Johnny Depp . . .

johnny depp guy

depp tonto

He went through all this trouble to capture Bonnie and JerBear, and all he got for his troubles was a DAMN ROCK!

rock

Shane said the rock . . . like . . . had some sh*t like that.  Bull honky!  It looked like a plain old rock to me!  And it certainly didn’t help keep Not Johnny Depp from ending up like this . . .

dead guy

happy sad

Sorry Not Johnny Depp guy!  Unlike the rest of the characters on this show, I’m thinking you are probably going to STAY dead.  But hey, look on the bright side, at least you don’t have to shell out extra cash for a fancy gravestone!  You already have a rock!

Gravestone Eyes

Aramaic for Dummies

Back in Mystic Falls, Tyler, Caroline and Klaus are having a great time surfing for porn on the internet . . .

more pictures

pictures of jer bear

“Hey, look!  It’s Andre’s screencaps!”

 . . .  and taking turns rubbing Klaus’ big ancient sword . . .

holding sword

Tyler: “I think my sword is bigger.”

Caroline: “Trust me, it isn’t.”

jerbear sexy

“Hey Caroline, don’t YOU want to hold my sword for a little while?”

hold sword

Tyler: “I’m not going to lie, this is making me feel a bit uncomfortable.”

Actually, Tyler and Caroline are using Klaus’ surprise knowledge of Aramaic to translate the sword.  They immediately call Rebekah on the phone to share the intel with her, figuring she’s on Team Scooby, anyway, so why not.  But then Klaus drops a not particularly surprising, because we all pretty much knew this from the beginning bombshell on them, which makes them wish they used cell phone minutes a bit more wisely.  As it turns out, there’s only enough vampire cure for ONE PERSON!

BabyScared

Oh no!  If Vampire Klaus Barbie gets to the cure first, the Scooby Gang won’t be able to use it to .  . . SAVE ELENA!  Oh the humanity!

caroline cryin

damon soulful crying

stefan crying gif

crying jess

“I don’t know why I’m crying.  I’m not even on this show.”

So, I guess now, in the words of the Three Musketeers,  it’s all for one, and one for .  . . ONE?

Meanwhile, back on Lost Island . . .

Stefan and Elena – Friends Forever . . . Literally

friends like that

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Stefan and Elena share a nice platonic moment, during which Stefan admits that he still wants to grow old and eventually croak, even if that means never being able to insert his 160 + year old weiner (which might very well become instantly wrinkly, once he gets the cure) into Elena ever again.  Watching from afar, Rebekah doesn’t find this moment all that platonic . . .

jelly

rebekah heart

Poor Beks . . . she’s always a bridesmaid.  (But hey, at least she’s the bridesmaid that ends up getting laid in the coat closet at the wedding reception!)

shhhdamon beks memory

stebekah

With her new knowledge about The Cure in tow, Rebekah cleverly separates Elena from Stefan, so that she can reveal to the latter her deep dark secret about  The Cure’s limitations.  She then asks Stefan if he’s going to end up giving the darn thing to Elena, anyway.  He can’t deny it, so she breaks his neck.  Ahhhh, young love . . . or, perhaps, I should say really, really, really  old love!

bitch mode activated

And just like that, another temporary death has rocked Mystic Falls.

Later, Elena comes to Stefan’s temporary death rescue, at which time he breaks for her the bad news about The Cure.  Elena’s response to this news is arguably more surprising than anything else that happens during the episode . . .

everyone deserve

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2 15 surprise

WOAH!  Look who’s gone and become all self-aware on us!

surprised-face

All sarcasm aside, I was kind of proud of Elena, in this moment.  In past seasons, Elena has always been treated by the rest of the cast (except, maybe Rebekah) as a Delicate Flower, because she was a young fragile human, in a world of Old Dangerous Vampires, Werewolves, Witches and Whatevers.

damon gives elena flower

2 16 matt wtf face

“And what am I, chopped liver?”

But now, Elena is a vampire, who has committed murder.

killer headline

She has no greater claim on her humanity / right to The Cure than any other life-loving vampire on this show.  And the fact that she understands that, and is willing to own up to it, makes me a lot more sympathetic to her character, than I have been in recent episodes . . .

happy elena

In fact, Elena gets over the fact that she’s probably going to be a vampire for the rest of eternity, a lot quicker than one might suspect.  Instantly, she’s rushing toward the cave, dragging Stefan in tow, so that the pair can obtain the cure, and use it ON KLAUS!

klaus tums

“Not before I get my spinoff, b*tches!”

Things we do for love .  . .

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Also in the cave, Damon refuses to continue to be dragged around as Vaughn’s vampire puppy dog.

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“I’ll let you off your leash, once you lift your leg and pee on the tree!”

Like the rest of the crew, thanks to Vaughn, he has also been blessed (or cursed, depending on the way you see things) with the knowledge that there is only one cure.  And while Vaughn’s idea to use the cure on SILAS, thereby preventing an impending apocalypse, even if it means all vampires shall STAY vampires for eternity, definitely seems like the better deal for Damon . . .

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delena sex real

 . . . he’s still willing to risk all that, if it means making the woman he loves happy.  (Little does Damon know, Elena is TOTALLY willing to forgo the cure, if it means continuing to bone him for the rest of time, without Klaus constantly on their tail.)  So, Damon makes a move to beat the crap out of Vaughn, along with some help from a surprising source . . .

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Rebekah!

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So what if they both end up totally getting their asses handed to them, by a mere HUMAN guest star, and end up passed out next to one another on the floor . . .

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It’s the thought that counts, right!

Later, when Stefan and Elena come to Damon’s rescue, he agrees to bow out gracefully, and let Stefan keep the proverbial Hero Hat that fits his slightly large head so well.  Damon doesn’t really want Elena to have the cure, because he fears it will be the end of their relationship.  But he’s not going to inadvertently stand in the way of her obtaining it either . . .

love you damon

Further up in the cave, Elena encounters a familiar face . . . one that has no trouble whatsoever kicking her BUTT!

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“This  is sooooo not my episode!  I’m calling my agent.”

Golly gee!  I wonder who it could be?

It’s the CIRCLE OF LIFE and tattoo removal

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Over in Nosebleed Bonnie land, Shane finds a Perfect Circle, and positively no one’s everyone’s favorite witch uses the shape as an excuse to fondle Jer Bear’s naked body, once again.  (Honestly, can you blame her?)

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JerBear: “But Bonnie, I thought you loved me for my mind?”

Bonnie: “Shut up and take off your pants, I have Very Important Witchy Work  to do!”

JerBear: “But the tattoo is only on my chest.”

Bonnie: *whistles awkwardly*

hot hand job

Bonnie: “Wow, I can feel your tattoo moving and growing.  The magic must be working.”

Jer Bear: *whistles awkwardly*

Bonnie must have really strong hands!  All it takes is a few fondles, and Jer Bear’s tattoo’s disappear, like he’s just had the Best Laser Treatment EVER!

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“Thanks for the free tattoo removal.  You know, I also have this freckle on my left butt cheek that I never much cared for.  Do you think you could take that off too?”

Elsewhere, Vaughn’s tattoos disappear as well.  Unfortunately, no one had the foresight to take off HIS shirt, or this could have REALLY been a party!

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“This is total crap.  I’m calling my agent too!”

Knowing what a total unapologetic perv I am, I suspect a lot of you assumed that my favorite part of this episode was that the mere fact of Bonnie touching JerBear’s Man Parts caused an honest-to-goodness avalanche in the Silas Cave . . .

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But that’s not true at all!  My actual favorite part of the episode came a little later, when that same avalanche ended up paralyzing Professor Dumpy Dork, and the rest of the Scooby Gang left him to ROT!

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Now THAT was awesome!  Honestly, they should have done that about five episodes ago!

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But then, JerBear has to go and ruin all that awesomeness, by putting his shirt back on.  LAME!

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“I’m sorry!  My nipples got cold, OK?”

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Welcome back, Zombie Granny!

Bonnie knows she’s getting closer to Silas’ coffin when her Ghost Granny, who is suddenly sporting a SERIOUS case of the Crazy Eyes, pops up out of no where, and tells her that she should feed her blood to the rotted dead corpse . . .

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“Hi sweetie!  Go kill yourself, OK?  Grandma knows best!”

Fortunately, JerBear, who’s seen more dead people in his lifetime than that kid from The Sixth Sense . . .

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 . . . knows that Zombie Grams is nothing more than a figment of Bonnie’s Silas-controlled imagination.  He knows some sense into Bon-Bon, just in time for her to get stabbed in the back by that pesky Vampire Hunter Vaughn.

The Long(ish) Goodbye

With Bonnie out of commission, Klaus has earned his Get Out of Box Free Card, and can no return to the important work of Terrorizing the Cast of The Vampire Diaries Until His Spinoff Begins . . .

santa klaus

Not wanting Klaus to kill her boyfriend again, or chase him out of town for the 85,000th time, Caroline appeals to the Original Vampire’s “softer side,” by admitting to him that, like him, she too prefers her fangy, eternally youthful self, to the shallow, self-absorbed human brat she was back in Season 1 . . .

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   . . . at least not anymore . . .

In return for this heartfelt admission, Klaus agrees to let Tyler take another multi-episode hiatus, before he goes and tries to kill him again.

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Caroline: “Does this mean that Tyler gets a spinoff too?  It could be called Hungry Like a Hybrid?”

Klaus: “Don’t push your luck.”

Outside on the porch, Caroline and Tyler share a tearful, sweet, and possibly, but probably not, permanent, goodbye. . .

forwoody

Tyler: “See you next season?”

Caroline: “Absolutely . . . well . . . unless the writers have given me another love interest by then, in which case, nice knowing ya . . .”

forwood goodbye

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The on again, off-again couple genuinely promise to attempt to live full and happy lives without one another.  And I swear I’m not crying, it’s just raining on my face . . . or I’m chopping onions .  . . or something . . .

The Selfless Salvatore

Speaking of touching, Rebekah and Damon share a surprisingly genuine moment, during which Rebekah expresses her admiration for Damon’s selflessness, with regard to Elena and the cure.

get the damn cure

 

I really do like Rebekah, and think it’s about time she gets herself a hookup that isn’t Elena’s sloppy seconds.  Anyone else agree?

Surprise!

Further down in the cave, we FINALLY get our first glimpse of the ever elusive SILAS . . .

silas

 

And I hate to say this, but he kind of looks like Mikael . . . you know   . . . that OTHER big scary vampire type, who started off entombed, until he fed on one of the cast members, and then awoke, only to die about two episodes later . . .

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3 6 eat kat

 

Deja-vu?

If you recall, it was actually the unlucky Kat, who received the honors of being Mikael’s first meal, which is fitting, when you think about it, because . . . well . . . I’ll get to that in a bit.

So, Vampire Hunter Vaughn is fighting with Vampire Hunter Jer Bear, when “Elena” makes a surprise appearance, and rescues her brother from certain death . . .

kat vaughn

JerBear’s first hint that “Elena” isn’t quite herself, is when he has to REMIND her not to KILL Vaughn, and risk being saddled with that pesky Vampire Hunter Murderer curse again.  His second hint, is when she refuses to help paralyzed Bonnie, which I think is just good sense.  That witch is a pain in thee ass!

brat

 

But alas, JerBear figures out a bit too late that the vampiric female, who came to his rescue is not his sister at all, but . . . wait for it . . . KATHERINE PIERCE . . .

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the kat eating apple petrova gifs

 

Annnd . . . then she feeds JerBear to Silas, who breaks his neck, and leaves him lying dead on the floor.  (So much for avoiding that Hunter Killer Curse, Katherine!)

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dead jer 2

 

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So, is Mystic Falls’ Shirtless Wonder REALLY dead?  Or just FAKE DEAD . . . like all those other times?

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It’s hard to tell at this point.  And this makes it difficult for me, as a viewer, to have a genuine emotional response to a loss which, if it actually sticks, will be a pretty major blow to the Mystic Falls Community, on multiple levels . . .

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(I’ll miss those ARMS, that’s for sure!)

The promos certainly want us to believe that JerBear is gone for good.

But IS he?

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Only time . .  . and next week’s episode will tell . . .  See ya then, Fangbangers!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

A Good Day to Be an Underdog – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “We all go a little mad sometimes”

So many really great pornos started just like this.  Except, if this was a porno, Damon would be wearing a fireman’s hat or a Superman cape . . . and nothing else . . .

“We all go a little mad sometimes,” Fangbangers.  It’s a movie quote that I thought originated from the 90’s horror classic, Scream.

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But apparently, it’s even older than that . . . like, Psycho OLD . . .

The promos for this week’s episode (and its title) were misleading . . . in a good way.  What many of us thought would be a rather annoying episode about Elena’s Trip to Wacky Town  . . .

. . . actually ended up being less about our female protagonist’s episode-long psychosis, and more about the series‘ underdogs finally getting their time to shine, whether that meant getting the girl, saving the day, or making yet another hybrid’s head into a Pez dispenser, just to add some ink to their arm tattoos   . . .

Then again, whether Damon and Klaus could actually be considered underdogs on this show, is likely a point of contention among fans . . .

Nonetheless, “We all go a little mad sometimes,” was definitely a “game changer: of an episode, more of one, perhaps, than any of the episodes that preceded it, this season.  So, hold on to your heads, your hearts, and your sunscreen rings, because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

Why you should always think twice, before stabbing people in the carotid artery . . .

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JEREMY: “If you didn’t want me to make you waffles for breakfast, you could have just said so.”

You know what sucks about hallucinating that every single person you know looks exactly like That Dude You Killed?

“I must just have one of those faces . . .”

Well, aside from the obvious, there’s a really good chance, you’ll end up murdering your baby brother in the kitchen, by jabbing a steak knife into his carotid artery.

Sh*t happens . . .

First of all, you’ve really got to hand it to Elena Gilbert.  I mean, I’ve heard of people who sleep walk, sleep talk, sleep eat, even sleep drive, but Sleep Kill?  Now, that’s impressive . . .

The episode begins with Elena awakening from a bad dream, and heading to the kitchen for a hot drink, only to find Hotty the Ex Vampire Slayer, standing before her all broody and bloody.  For a guy who got knifed in voice box, Dead Connor sure is chatty. He’s yammering on and on to Elena about how he has a brother, and how he died in an unmarked grave, and Boo Hoo Hoo WAHHHH.

Could you really blame Elena for wanting to shut him up again, by poking a fork in his kneck, like a chef testing how well his meat is cooked?  Except, there’s one slight problem.  Connor doesn’t exist anymore.  And Mini Gilbert just so happens to be standing in his place . . .

“If you people don’t stop poking holes in my body, every time you go temporarily insane, or are just in a really bad mood, I’m going to compel myself back to Denver . . .”

That makes a whopping THREE deaths for Jeremy, who had his neck snapped by Damon, in Season 2, and was shot by Sheriff Forbes at the end of that same season.  This new death, at the hands of his own sister, doesn’t quite land Jeremy in Alaric territory . . . I mean, that guy died like 580 times .  . .

. . . and lord knows how many times Rebekah and Elijah have met the sharp end of that White Oak stake.

However, it still gives Mystic Falls’ resident Scrappy Doo a one up on his sister, who, so far, has only croaked twice . . .which, on this show, is like a walk in the park . . .

While Elena waits for her brother’s Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality to kick in, she calls Damon for moral support.  After all, if anyone knows what it feels like to temporarily kill Jeremy Gilbert, it’s Damon.

Also, Saint Stefan’s vampire buzzkill ways, coupled with a few recent fibs on his part, not to mention the surprise resurgence of his obviously sexual relationship with one Klausipoo (Come on, those two aren’t fooling ANYBODY!) have been enough to move the younger Salvatore brother down one notch on Elena’s Emergency Contacts list . . .

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STEFAN: *whistles uncomfortably*

But then Damon calls Stefan to come over . . . I think because the poor blue-eyed vamp has become so used to getting denied nookie on this show that he’s started to cockblock himself . . .

Except Elena doesn’t want to talk to Stefan, she wants to have We Both Killed Jeremy Gilbert Once, But that Doesn’t Necessarily Make Us Bad People Sex with Damon! take a shower, thank you very much!

 

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This would be a great commercial for dishwasher detergent.  “Look NO DISHPAN HANDS!”

Unfortunately, for Elena, once she’s alone again, her hallucinations start kicking back into high gear.  What’s a baby vamp to do?

“Eat my feelings?”

Elsewhere in Mystic Falls . . .

There Ain’t No Party Like a Headless Hybrid Party . . .

Tyler, Hayley, and the rest of their Wacky Woof Pack have apparently spent the night repeatedly toasting to the life of That Random Hybrid that Got Blown Up Last Week, but not to the life of That Random Hybrid Who Got His Head Chopped Off Two Weeks Ago, thus proving that, much like high school, every Wacky Woof Pack has it’s jocks that people actually care about, and its mathletes that they don’t.  Sucks to be you, Headless Hybrid Number 22!

Then, Hayley does this thing where she seductively feeds Tyler booze from her finger.  And I guess it’s supposed to be sexy.  But as anyone who’s actually been up all night partying knows, all-night partiers’ fingers are the last places you want to be licking (well, almost the last places), because you have no idea where they’ve been . . .

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“Contrary to popular belief, my mouth is NOT your sink.”

Caroline comes flouncing in at that moment in a huff to engage in the ex-girlfriend ritual of “returning ex-boyfriend’s belongings in a box.”

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I don’t know . . . taking the time to pack your exes crap in a box, just so you can hand deliver it to him . . . it seems like a lot of work to me.  Personally, I like to throw all my ex-boyfriends’ sh*t in my cat’s litterbox, and let her do the rest of the dirty work.  But that’s just me . . .

“I knew my hat smelled funny.”

It sure makes Klaus happy though, who just so “happens” to walk in at the moment all this is going down.  The Original Hybrid wastes absolutely no time giving Caroline those trademark googly eyes that say, “When you’re done playing FedEx Delivery Girl with Tyler, come play Naughty Nurse with me.”

But it looks like the joke might be on Klaus.  Because, the minute the blonde vamp exits stage right, Hayley and Caroline are patting one another on the back for a ruse well-played, and Tyler and Caroline are tonguing one another, like it’s their job.  (Be careful, Caroline.   Tyler’s tongue just had Hayley’s all-night party finger all over it.  Can you say, Germ Party?)

 

Turns out, the whole scene was just a ruse to throw Klaus off the gangs’ Master Plan to free all the hybrids from their Master’s Sire Bond.  In fact, one hybrid named Chris is already a success story.  Sorry Chris.  We all know what happens to hybrids who get a name that isn’t “Tyler,” don’t we?

Enjoy having a name, and partying with Sexy Finger-Sucking Hayley, while you can.  Because it looks like you just got a first class, one-way ticket to the Hybrid Pez Head Hall of Fame . . .

Adventures in Babysitting Elena Gilbert . . .

After paying his hybrids a visit, Klaus calls his boyfriend Stefan for a quick booty call.  I can’t tell you exactly what he says.  But I suppose it goes something like this:

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“Hey my Ripper Stud!  How’s it hanging?  Has your not-nearly-as-good-in-the-sack-as-me girlfriend started going all loony tunes from killing a vampire hunter yet?  She has?  So, in other words, both my love interests’ significant others are misbehaving, and making me look gooooood.  This must be my lucky day! Pull down your pants.  I’m coming over.”

Klaus explains to Stefan that part of the Curse of the Five is that, when a vampire kills one of them, the dead hunters spirit haunts that vampire until he or she offs herself . . . you know, permanently.  Klaus wants Stefan to lend him Elena to make sure she doesn’t rid the show of it’s main female protagonist.  Stefan is understandably leery of his boyfriend’s promise.  After all, we all know what happened the last time Klaus “borrowed,” Elena . . .

Unfortunately, for Stefan, Elena chooses this exact moment to mistake Damon for Dead!Connor.  And, within minutes, the latter rushes right into Klaus’ waiting arms . . .

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All of the sudden, this show just became one of those “zany” sitcoms, where the main character loses the kid he’s babysitting for, and has to go on all these CRAZY adventures, to find the kid, before The Parents get home . . .

A Christmas Carol – Mystic Falls Edition

Klaus locks Elena in one of those elegant-looking dungeons that all civilized super villains seem to have built into their homes.  It’s there that Crazy!Elena starts morphing into Mystic Falls’ version of Ebenezer Scrooge.  And just in time for the holidays!

We’ve already seen Elena be visited by the Ghost of Vampire Present, a.k.a Hot!Dead Connor. But now it’s time for Elena to get a glimpse into her vampire future, a.k.a Katherine.  I have to say, though I was initially annoyed that the writers took the time to bring back Elena’s Vixen Doppelganger, only to have her be little more than a figment of Schizo!Elena’s warped imagination, I kind of enjoyed watching Nina Dobrev so expertly turn her own alter ego to mush, with some awesomely biting insults.

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It’s hard being That Girl in the show or the movie, with whom all the hot supernatural creatures are madly in love, who always seems to need saving, and who is inadvertently responsible for most, if not all, of the untimely deaths in the series.  Because, as much as female fans might want to be you, a lot of them will also want to shove pointy objects up your ass, or, at the very least, feed you lard, and make your face break out in lots of pimples.  Just ask Bella Swan and Sookie Stackhouse . . .

So, while loving Vampire Diaries means, at least to some extent, loving Elena Gilbert, we all also hate her a little bit too.  And the part of us that hates her, got a real kick out of hearing our complaints about the character emerge directly from the mouth of Katherine Petrova . . .

In which I hope Professor Boo Radley doesn’t end up being this Silas Guy (because then I won’t be able to call him Professor Boo Radley anymore) . . .

Our Scooby Gang always seems to be searching for some “cure,” don’t they?  Just last week, they were hunting for a cure for vampirism, now they are seeking out a Cure for Crazy.  Their Pal Bon-Bon suggests that Professor Boo Radley might be just the guy to give them the answers they are seeking.

Worst Show and Tell EVER!

For the second time this season, we are subjected to another one of Boo Radley’s boring lectures about the occult . . .

.  . . except this one is about a seriously pissed-off dude named Silas, who literally lives under a rock.  It also raises some questions.  Could this Big Bad Silas guy be “the cure” to vampirism everyone is talking about?  Is Professor Boo Radley his alter ego, a la Clark Kent and Super Man?  Does this mean, I’m going to actually have to start listening to Professor Boo Radley, when he talks instead of sleeping, or taking a bathroom break, because his words might actually be important to the show’s mythology?  Man, I hope not . . .

As Matt cleverly pointed out, during his random chat with Damon at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls (Damon is still ordering drinks for Alaric, by the way.  How adorable is that?) . . .

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 . . . anyone who knows anything in this town is just assumed creepy, until proven otherwise.  And Professor Boo Radley sure does seem to know a lot about The Five.  Not only was he IN CAHOOTS with Hot!Connor, he also seemed to have been IN CAHOOTS! with that wackadoodle Pastor Young from the premiere episode.  Did I mention it was Professor Boo Radley, who conveniently clued in the rest of the Scooby Gang to the information they needed to secure Jeremy Gilbert’s status as a new vampire hunter?

Something smells fishy about Professor Boo Radley, and it’s not just all that gel he uses in his hair, or that his hippy dippy candlelit office probably reeks of patchouli.  It’s something else . ..  something BAAAAAAD . . .

In which we continue our trend of senselessly murdering hybrids, and Caroline takes her turn as the romantic lead . . .

Armed with the information they received about The Five, the Scooby Gang formulates a new two-pronged Save Elena plan.  First, free her from Klaus clutches, with the help of no-longer-sired-to-Klaus-hybrid Chris.  Then, get Jeremy to kill a vampire, thereby activating himself as a new member of The Five, and simultaneously breaking the hold DeadHOT! Connor has on Nutzo!Elena before she kills herself . . . again.

The first part seems like it should be easy.  After all, with Scooby Gang sympathizer Chris guarding her door, all Stefan really has to do is walk right in and free Elena, right.  Except, like I said, Stefan  is the Worst Babysitter in the World!

So, of course, two minutes after Stefan walks through that dungeon door, Elena is all, “Stefan, when did you turn into a hot bald black man who’s trying to kill me? AHHHHHHHH!”

She runs out.  And he loses her, AGAIN . . .

I know I shouldn’t be laughing at Stefan’s pain, and Elena’s psychoses, but I totally am . . .

Over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Klaus flirts some more with Caroline.  And she uses her feminine wiles to get the Original Hybrid on board with the Scooby Gang’s plan to “activate Jeremy” and “save Elena.”

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Whether your Team Klaroline or Team Forwood, you have to admit, Candice Accola and Joseph Morgan are fun to watch on screen together.  Their chemistry is just so different than the one that exists between Caroline and Tyler, that it makes this new love triangle, which could come off as stale or cliche with lesser actors, something fresh and interesting . . .

That said, I couldn’t have been the only one rolling my eyes, when Klaus told Caroline that if Tyler was still sired to him, the baby hybrid would never hurt the Vampire Barbie.  REALLY?  Says the guy who, just last season, used his sire bond to get Tyler to POISON CAROLINE WITH HIS SALIVA and almost kill her, just so Klaus could come to her rescue?

Here’s some advice, Klaus:  when trying to woo your lady love, play toward your strengths: buying expensive jewelery and dresses, offering up exotic vacations, doing that panty-dropping smirk thing you do, drawing ponies . . .

Save the “Honorable Guy / Hero” stuff for your adversary, Tyler, because it just doesn’t work for you . . .

Shortly thereafter, in a scene that upset me more than I thought it would, Sort-of Anonymous Hybrid Chris runs into Klaus, just moments after helping Team Scooby and paving the way toward his freedom.  The Original Hybrid stabs the poor guy, and then steps aside while Sweet Little Jeremy hacks off the head of yet another hybrid, in order to . . . wait for it . . . SAVE ELENA . . . the only difference is that, unlike the first one he killed, this one was genuinely a nice guy.  Too bad the writers had to go and give him a name . . .

I know a lot of people were disappointed in Tyler for throwing that glass at the wall in anger, upon learning that, not only had he pretty much hand delivered his fellow pack member to certain death, but that Caroline agreed to go on a date with Klaus, in order to ensure that it would happen.  But personally, I think that anger was kind of justified, under the circumstances.  Old Season 1 Tyler probably would have broken a heck of a lot worse than a wine glass, had that happened to him . . .

In which Damon Salvatore saves the day (AND quotes an 80’s movie), all in the same hour!

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Damon uses his expert knowledge of Elena to conclude that her wackadoodle self ran off to Wickory Bridge, i.e. “the place where it all began.”  But before he can find her, we get a fun little scene where The Ghost of Elena’s Vampire Present (Hot!DEAD! Connor), and the Ghost of Elena’s Evil! Vampire Future (Missing! Vampire Katherine) team up with the Ghost of Elena’s Not-So-Vampire Past (Mommy!) team up for a fun little game I like to call “Get Elena to kill herself.”

Now, if Connor Ghost was creepy, and Katherine Ghost was intellectually satisfying, Mommy Ghost was just frigging hilarious, though,  I suspect the last was not entirely intentional.  Come on . . . the blank expression she had on her face . . . the Stepford Wife smile . . . her complete lack of irony, as she told Elena, “Hey, you were an awesome human daughter, but as a vampire, you suck.  You should totally throw yourself off the bridge, honey, and join your underwater parents, whose corpses might still be there.  It’s what a Good Daughter would do . . .

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“Hmmm . . . I wonder what I’m having for dinner tonight.  I’m so tired of fish.”

Dramatic music blares in the background, as Elena stares over the bridge, and THROWS AWAY HER SUNSCREEN RING . . .

Now, that’s just a waste of perfectly good jewelry, not to mention environmentally unsound.  Just think about all the fish with insanely small heads who might choke on that ring . . .

Fortunately, Yummy Damon appears just moments after Jeremy chopped off Poor Chris’ head, thereby breaking the Suicide Spell on Elena FOREVER . . . or, at least, until the show comes up with another Spell That Puts Elena’s Life in Danger . . .

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The two of them exchange A LOOK . . . you know, the one.  It’s a look that says.

DAMON: “Hey sexy.  I’m so glad your still dead, but not, you know . . . DEAD, DEAD.  I’d really like to have sex with you right here on this bridge, where you keep almost dying.”

ELENA: “Hey hot stuff.  I’m so glad you came to see me at the exact same spot where I chose Stefan over you, and was punished for doing so by DYING.  Also, I’d really like to have sex with you right on this bridge, because why not?

Then, the SUN COMES UP, which would normally be poignant and romantic . . . a metaphor for LIFE AND HOPE, except . . .

Well . . . this is a dead chick we’re talking about who just threw her sunscreen ring in river, so . . . OOPS.

Worry not, it’s Damon to the rescue!  He grabs Elena, and jumps into the water with her like Superman, saving her supernatural jewelry, just like he saved her vervain necklace, back in the day.

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Except, this time, Elena is SUPER APPRECIATIVE .  . . so appreciative that when Damon comes to see her in her bedroom the following morning she . . . wait for it . . .

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. . . fondles his . . . fingers.

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DARN . . . so close, right?  But wait . . . there’s more.

“It’s not you, it’s me . . . and my vampire sex urges for your older brother.”

Elena and Stefan have a heart to heart on the porch, after self-sacrificing brother extraordinaire Damon finally came clean to Elena about the whole “vampire cure” thing.  But for those of us who assumed we’d be subjected to YET another Stelena makeup scene, BOY were we wrong.  In a confession that literally caused my jaw to drop, Elena admitted to Stefan that her feelings for DAMON were growing stronger, and that she was not the same person with whom Stefan fell in love.

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And in a confession that dropped my jaw further, Stefan AGREED.

And then, they BROKE UP!

Holy crap!  For four years, Delena fans have been waiting for Elena to FINALLY recognize and give in to her romantic feelings for Damon.  But we never expected it to happen like this . . . It all just seemed so . . .matter-of-fact?

In a way, it’s the perfect time for the writers to explore the Delena relationship.  Not only does it give a nice nod to how Damon and Elena came together in the book series, it also makes sense.  While Stefan’s adoration of Elena remains largely fixated on the person she was . . . Damon has shown her, time and time, again, this season, that he loves, not only the young woman she was, but also the vampire she’s becoming . . .  His love is without condition or judgment.

It is accepting of Elena’s new-found impulses and flaws.  And while Elena is learning to accept her new self, she needs to be with the kind of man who can accept her too . . .

If I had to express one gripe about the way all this went down, it would be that, in the context of the season, it seemed to come a bit out of left field.  I mean, sure, Delena fans have all spent long hours analyzing scenes that show Elena fighting her unresolved passions for Damon.  But if we are to believe now that Elena feels MORE passionate about Damon, since becoming a vampire, I would have liked to have seen a scene or two, before she made her confession, which illustrated this . . .

Because aside from that one that one scene at the frat party . . .

. . . and a very short scene, in which Elena appeared to be checking out Damon’s shlong, we haven’t really gotten much of that so far this season.

Then again, I strongly suspect that the best is yet to come.  After all, anyone who’s ever had a secret crush knows that it’s when you actually verbalize it to your friends that it becomes the most real.  Suddenly, those feelings are out there in the world, and “playing it cool.” is simply no longer an option.

Just in time for the Miss Mystic Falls pageant. . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

When things go bump (and grind) in the night . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Heart of Darkness”

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The moment I got an electric shock from fondling my television screen . . . Totally worth it.

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  Long time, no fangirl!  Just in case you missed it, this week on TVD, ELENA FINALLY KISSED DAMON . . . and they humped against a dirty motel wall . . . and did some rather naughty things with their fingers in bed . . . it was all so deliciously tawdry, and long awaited, that I spent much of the episode celebrating . . .

Also, there was THIS . . .

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Oh, and I guess some other stuff happened too . . .

So, let your Big Bad Alter Ego out to play, because this episode of TVD is rated “M” for “More Makeouts Than We’ve Seen All Season.”

The Mysterious Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Saltzman

We begin the episode, in the basement of La Casa de Rich and Awesome, also known as ‘The Time Out Corner for Misbehaving Salvatores and Friends.”  That little cage sees more action than a motel that rents by the hour i.e. the place where Damon and Elena shacked up this week   I mean, think about it.  Stefan goes there when he’s all Mean and Rippery.

Damon “rested there,” while he suffered from a nasty case of were-rabies.

Elijah vacationed there, during one of his many Temporary Deaths.

And now it’s Multiple Personality Disorder Alaric’s turn!

Psychotic or not, you have to give Alaric credit for his willingness to endure self-imposed lockdown, so that his Jack Nicholson from The Shining Other Self doesn’t run off and murder all his friends, while he sleeps.

However, when Elena popped by to offer him some food and light reading . . .

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 . . . I couldn’t help but wonder how long he’d been down there, and what the Good History teacher was doing about the all-important Three S’s” of Life (sh*t, shower, shave).  Because I definitely didn’t see a toilet in there . . . or a hose.  So, unless Warden Stefan was willing to act as chaperone, I’m thinking that place smelled pretty darn rank.

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Anywhoo . . . Elena’s real reason for visiting Alaric, of course, has more to do with her, than with him.  After all, she’s going on a little road trip to Denver with Damon to sow her wild sex oats  “rescue Jeremy,” and she needs a little moral support from her erstwhile father figure.

Understandably,  Alaric is pretty grumpy about the idea that Damon and Elena will be off exploring one another’s nether regions, while he’s busy playing “Find the Stake” with Stefan.  I mean, from the looks of things, it’s been a while since Prisoner Alaric has received a conjugal visit from the Good Doctor Crazy Nanny Carrie Meredith.  (Apparently, attempted murder is not so great for your sex life.  Who knew?)

Except . . . as it turns out, ALARIC’S a total psycho, which means he and Crazy Nanny Carrie are kind of perfect for one another . . . 

Alaric wonders out loud how Stefan is feeling about this Delena Sexcation.  And Elena responds that it was HIS IDEA!  Well now, this takes the concept of Brotherly Love to a whole new level, doesn’t it?

“Bye honey!  Be SAFE!  Have fun dry humping my brother!

A bit of awkwardness ensues, when Elena pops by La Casa de Rich and Awesome to meet up with Damon, and Stefan meets her at the door.  “Have fun trying to coax that Big Stick out of Alaric,” Elena offers helpfully.  (No, she doesn’t actually say that.  But I kind of wish she did.)

“Be safe,” Stefan replies morosely, as Damon whisks Elena toward the door.

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Oh don’t you worry your pretty little head about that, Steffie.  You know vampires can’t impregnate humans or spread STDs!  Though they do love to try . . .

Battle of the Blondes

We then move over to Mystic Falls High, where the students are hard at work preparing for their Bloodbath Prom . . . er . . . I mean Decade Dance.  Seriously, at this point the administration should just pick a day at random, where they line the students up against a wall, and randomly slaughter them, Hunger Games style.  It would be much more efficient.  But while we are on the subject of high school, does anyone else find it ironic that 1,000-year old vampire, Rebekah, seems to be the only one who regularly attends?

Caroline and Rebekah are apparently having a contest to see which of them can out “Regina George” the other.

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And the passive aggressive insults are flying across the gym like dodgeballs . . .  Personally, I think Caroline won this fight, though.  Her, “at least I don’t have sex with everyone I make eye contact with,” comment was filled with win.

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(Everybody knows that “slut jokes and fat jokes,” are the girlfight equivalent of “yo mama” jokes  . . .)  As for Rebekah’s retort . . .

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 . . . it probably would have been more effective if the two girls didn’t look so very much alike . . .  And yet, when Blonde Boy Matt sided with Rebekah, when it came to choosing a 20’s themed decade dance, over Caroline’s proffered 70’s one, it appeared that former featherweight champion, Vampire Barbie, might be forced to concede a victory in this round.  The latter stormed out of the gym in a huff, while Rebekah looked on, her face practically brimming with smug satisfaction . . .

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But, as it turns out, the jokes on Rebekah.  Apparently, Matt and Caroline orchestrated the entire argument, just to give Caroline an excuse to leave school, and engage in Sexy Times with Tyler.  (Seriously?  What is with all these guys offering up their ex-girlfriends as sexual sacrifices to the Altar of Alpha Male?)

Now, maybe this makes me a Bad Person.  But I would rather eat glue, than give an ex-boyfriend I’m not over yet, free reign to start boning my more attractive and probably better in bed rival . . .  It’s one thing to accept that your ex has moved on.  It’s quite another to give them an INVITATION to do it . . . particularly, when YOU aren’t getting any, yourself.

“Doh!” 

Boozing Buddies

Speaking of sacrificial males, Stefan has decided that in order for Bad Alaric to come out to play, Good Alaric needs to take a nap.  So, the Broody Vampire decides to speed matters along, by offering Alchyric some liquid lunch . . . which actually makes sense, since I’ve never seen the guy eat.  (You know how vampires only require blood for sustenance?  I’m starting to think the same concept applies to Alaric and Booze.)

Alaric, of course, tries to go all Dr. Phil on Stefan, and his mind boggling decision to get Elena to explore her feelings for Damon via road trip.  Stefan basically admits that in order for him to continue to pursue things with Elena, he has to know she isn’t lusting after his brother.  (Why Stefan?  It never stopped you, before.)

“Scoot over, brother.  It’s my turn to get the neck.”

Alaric and Stefan also reflect upon whether their Psycho and Ripper so-called alter egos, respectively, are really just themselves after a Bad Day.  “The same things that drive him, drive me,” Alaric reflects wisely.

Of course, if anyone knows anything about being driven by bloodlust to do Bad Things, it’s Stefan.  But for Alaric’s sake, he puts a kinder spin on things.  “It’s not you,” he reassures his buddy boy.  “It’s just your darkest parts.”  (Well, THAT sounds dirty . . .)

The “darkest parts” of Alaric’s Chunky Monkey, a.k.a. the chocolate fudge . . .

But while all this navel-gazing and moody self-reflection might BORE Alaric, it doesn’t necessarily put him to sleep.  This, of course, means more “physical” tactics will have to be employed.  And, unfortunately, I’m not talking about sex.  Though really, nothing sends a warm-blooded male to dreamland faster than a solid roll in the hay.  I’m referring to a good, old-fashioned ASS KICKING . . .

Fortunately, Klaus has magically appeared to deliver said ass-kicking.  And when Stefan gives his ex boyfriend the Cliff Notes version of the whole “Save the Cheerleader, save the World Destroy the Missing Stake.  Save the Vampire Bloodline,” concept, Klaus helpfully breaks Alaric’s neck, thereby FINALLY powering this starting-to-become-a-bit-draggy plot line forward.

Sweet Dreams, Good Alaric!  (And THANK YOU, KLAUS!)

“Have you met YOU?”

I have to admit I was a bit disappointed, when the episode cut directly to Damon and Elena, already in Denver.  I mean, isn’t the whole point of a Sexy Times Road Trip, the hours and hours of having absolutely nothing to do but stare at one another, and bond over the bad in-flight movie?

Obviously the duo MORE than made up for this, by the episode’s end.  But at this point in the game, I was a little peeved.

Damon and Elena find Jeremy alone at the batting cages, striking out, of course.  “I should have compelled him to be better at baseball,” Damon quips.  (I don’t know.  If I was a teenage boy, there are a few things I’d want to be compelled to be “better” at, but baseball isn’t one of them.)

“STRIKE ONE”

“STRIKE TWO”

“STRIKE THREE!  YOU’RE OUTTTT!”

 The duo quickly fill Jeremy in on at least part of the reason they are really here . . . to get “I See Dead People” Jeremy to “talk” to Rose, and find out which Original sired her, so that the Scooby Gang doesn’t kill that one.  “So, you came all the way up here to get me to talk to some dead vampire?”  Jeremy gripes.

No, we also came up here, to make sure that Ring of Immortality Ring your wearing hasn’t already turned you into a drooling, vampire-hating loony toons, like your guardian, Alchyric.  “Dead and vampire is redundant, but yes,” Damon replies.

Jeremy promptly informs his darling sister, who has effectively traveled across the country to have sex with Damon effectively prevent the extinction of vampire kind, that the Vampire Apocalypse is just going to have to wait.  Apparently, Mini Gilbert has much more important things to do than save the world . . . like whacking balls with a “dear friend.”

Remember that time, an episode or two ago, when  Jeremy told Elena over the phone that he was heading out to spend time with “some friends?”  And most of the fandom immediately took this a a sign that Jeremy, much like his guardian before him, had already taken a One Way Trip to Crazy Town?  In fact, many fans even went as far as to suggest that these “friends” Jeremy was referring to may actually be vampires he’d already murdered, in the same way he offed that hybrid, before being sent away in the first place . . .

As it turns out, fans were right to be worried about the fact that Jeremy made “a friend.”  Apparently, sexy little Jer is only allowed to have real “friends” if they belong to his sister, or secretly want to sleep with him.  “Didn’t you find it a little weird that you made a friend so fast?  Have you met you?”  Damon chastises Jeremy later for his poor judgment.

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So, yeah, long story short, Jeremy’s friend was “Kol,” a reveal that probably surprised precisely no one, since we knew the Original Vamp had been stalking Jeremy, and his new dog (See, at least Jeremy has a Man’s Best Friend), ever since the latter arrived in Denver.  That said, I must admit, I did feel a bit bad for Jeremy, when Kol admitted.  “You and I are not really buds,” before bashing Damon’s head in with an aluminum bat.  (Of course, I felt worse for Damon for being beaten by an aluminum bat.  But, I felt bad for Jeremy too!  I mean, everyone should have REAL friends right.  Even if those friends just so happen to be blood sucking sociopaths . . .)

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Eventually, Damon manages to stake Kol with something that ISN’T dipped in or made from white oak ash (i.e. good for temporary death nap, but nothing more), and the threesome escape the batting cages, relatively unscathed.  But  . . . with Kol knowing the groups whereabouts, they can’t well stay in Denver.  So, you know what that means.  It’s time to check into the Sex Motel!  (Can I get a hell yeah!)

In which I take back everything bad I ever said about Rose the Vampire . . .

Unfortunately, this vacation isn’t only for Delena pleasure.  It’s for business too.  So, upon arriving at the hotel Jeremy “I talk to dead people” Gilbert manages to channel Ghost Vampire Rose, through Damon’s memories of her.

When Damon first starts waxing poetic about Rose’s death being beautiful, and sweet, and blah, blah, blah, Elena thinks he’s blowing smoke up Jeremy’s ass.  And understandably so.  After all, the last time Elena saw Rose, she looked like this . .  .

. . . and was literally trying to chew Elena’s face off.  It’s not really an image one soon forgets.  Interestingly enough, it’s Jeremy, who has either already connected with Rose, or simply managed to get hi s hand on the TVD Season 2 DVD that corrects Elena’s misinterpretation of the situation.  “Damon was talking about the dream he gave her when she died,” he offers.

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(Damn, Ghost Whisperers, always thinking they know everything . .  .)  After the reunited pair get the banal chitchat out of the way . . . (Yes, Rose is still hot.  Yes, she misses Damon, but is NOT obsessed with him.) . . . things start to get really interesting.

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Now, those of you who have read my recaps before know full well, that I was far from Rose’s biggest fan.  I believe the nickname I used for her was “Boyfriend Stealer.”

In fact, for weeks after she died, I refused to use any other photograph to illustrate this character but her Were-Rabies Mugshot.

Here we go again . . .

 It wasn’t really anything personal.  It’s just that, as a Delena shipper, I found the fact that Rose was constantly humping Damon to be . . . well . . . how do I put this kindly .  . . REALLY ANNOYING!

That all changed when Elena told Jeremy THESE fateful words, “Tell Damon I’m rooting for him and Elena.”

That’s right, Fangbangers.  Apparently, my former fictional arch rival is a fellow Delena shipper.

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This means she and I have the incontrovertible bond of folks who share the same ship.  And, therefore, I must love her like a sister.  (It’s easy for me to do this, since I am an only child, and really have no concept of what “loving someone like a sister” actually means.)  So, Rose, if you are out there . . . in Heaven, or wherever it is that rabid vampires go .  . . I’m sorry for calling you Man Stealer, posting ugly pictures of you on the internet, and not being particularly sad when you died.  I truly hope you can forgive me.  Oh, and if you ever want to come to my house, and watch Season 2 of The Vampire Diaries with me on DVD (We can skip your death episode of course), I promise to invite you inside.

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Oh, but back to the real reason we called Rose.  Who sired her?  As it turns out, it wasn’t ANY of the Originals.  Rather, the woman who sired Rose was a girl named “Mary Porter,” a.k.a. Scary Mary.  (Well, this certainly complicates things.)  Though Rose doesn’t know where Scary Mary lives off hand, apparently there’s some Vampire Phone Chain she can tap into.  Rose promises the Scooby Gang that she will do some research, and get back to them with an answer, before bidding them a fond adieu.

This, of course, means Damon, Elena and Jeremy can’t leave until they hear back from Rose.  Damon calls Stefan with the AWESOME . . . er . . . I mean terrible news.  “We’re stuck in a motel,” says Damon glibly.

The look on Stefan’s face upon hearing this admission is totally priceless.  Sorry, buddy.  But hey, you wanted Elena to explore her feelings for Damon.  And now she’s going to have an entire night in a not particularly big bed to do just that . . .

Mother/Daughter bonding?  (Yeah, we should have remembered that NEVER really happens on this show.)

Back at La Casa de Richer and Awesomer, But Not as Well Decorated (also known as the Originals’ house), Matt drives Rebekah home from school.  And she is so impressed that a boy actually did something nice for her, that she looks like she wants to hump his leg.  All joking aside, I REALLY these two together, and hope they both live long enough on this show to make a go of it.

“Thank you!  I WILL have a nice life.  Because I’m the only human left on this show . . . unless you kill me, of course.”

Rebekah’s good mood is short-lived though.  Because when she crosses the threshhold into her home she’s greeted by none other than her miserable murderous, slightly bug-eyed Mommy.  Mommy Dearest tells Rebekah that the latter really should have no hard feelings about the whole “I tried to kill you” thing, because she’s dying now too.  We all know how starved Rebekah is for ANY show of love and kindness.  So, of course, she cracks immediately, cradling her mother’s hands as the latter . . .  “dies.”

In the words of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.  “Big mistake . . . HUGE!”

“Tell him to suck it,” and other moments of Forwood Cave Porn

Meanwhile a much happier reunion is occurring in the Forest Where Bad Things Happen.  I really do love how horny Caroline and Tyler always seem to be.  I mean, think about it, whenever they aren’t broken up, these two are ALWAYS, ALWAYS boning.  This week they were almost too busy boning to engage in any dialogue at all.

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They boned against the tree .  . . They boned against the cave wall . . . They boned on the cave floor.

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They would have boned at Caroline’s house.  But they couldn’t because Lizard Forbes was home, which meant they actually had to talk.  Well, that don’t go over so well . . .

(Yes, before you guys, all jump down my throat, I know that Caroline and Tyler had a very sweet post coital conversation on the cave floor, during which Caroline said Klaus should suck it (HE WISHES!), and admitted to Tyler that if the Scooby Gang killed Klaus he would die too.  Caroline and Tyler are fully capable of engaging in adult conversation.  They’d just much rather have sex.  And there’s nothing wrong with that.  I mean, have YOU seen them?  I’d bone all the time too . . .)

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But back to Caroline’s house, where everything went to hell, and all because Caroline just COULDN’T bear to throw away that darn pony picture that Klaus drew her.  Ruh-roh!  Tyler didn’t like that one bit.  And I for one, think his anger was justified.  I mean, the way I see it, if a sociopathic psycho killer draws a picture of you, there are only two rational reasons why you would want to keep it.  (1) He’s a FAMOUS psycho killer.  And you plan on selling the picture on E-bay for a crapload of money.  (2) You’re hot for the psycho killer.

Sorry Caroline . . . we haven’t seen you on E-bay.  So, I’m thinking it’s option 2 for you . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Looooooooove Shack . . .

In which Elena finally ravages Damon, a.k.a. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!

His suspicion piqued by Rose’s offhand comment, Jeremy understandably wants to know what’s going on between Elena and Damon.  The problem is that Elena’s not quite ready to admit what’s going on to herself yet .  . . at least not for another hour or so.  But Jeremy takes the hint anyway, and lets Elena and Damon share the second bed, while he sleeps alone.  Smart boy . . .

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Later that night, Elena is watching an open shirted Damon strut around the hotel room with his shirt hanging open (which is my FAVORITE Damon Look, by the way), and looking hotter than I’ve seen him look like .  . . EVER.

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And this is including all those shower scenes!  She’s staring him like she wants to swallow him whole.  And even though she tries to pretend she’s sleeping when he turns around, he notices . . . as all hot guys notice, when girls are ogling them like construction workers.

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Sensing an opening (smart boy), Damon crawls into bed with Elena, but lays on his back, so as not to make her feel pressured.  It’s not the first time they’ve slept together.  But it IS the first time Elena has seemed so very eager.  And Damon doesn’t want to screw up the moment.

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Elena starts the conversation, as she turns toward Damon, her eyes roving his mostly naked body.  Her eyes are already filled with yearning and wanting.  I suspect it’s already taking all her strength not to jump him right here and now.  But she’s got to treadly lightly too, as this is a “test of her true feelings.” And she doesn’t want her hormones to get in the way.

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“You never told me what you did for Rose,” Elena muses.

“It wasn’t about you,” Damon responds wisely.

It’s an important point to make.  Because, as far as Elena has always been concerned, Damon only did good, and selfless things for Elena’s benefit, because he loved her, and sought her approval.  But Damon’s selfless actions with regard to Rose, really didn’t have anything to do with Elena, or even with love for that matter.  Damon did what he did, because he cared about Rose as a friend, and because it was . . . wait for it . . . the right thing to do.  In fact, when he had the opportunity to tell Elena about it, when she comforted him later in the episode, he chose not too, because, as he said, it had nothing to do with Elena or his love for her.

Elena can be dense sometimes, but even she recognizes a selfless gesture when she sees one.  And this gesture of Damon’s is starting to make Elena feel all tingly in her pants.  You can see her face flush, and breathing quicken, even though it is dark.  As much as Elena “loves” Stefan, I don’t recall a time where she ever seemed this incontrovertibly turned on by his mere presence and the sound of his voice.

“Why don’t you let people see the good in you?”  Elena muses.

I love what Damon said here . . .  “When people see good, they expect good.  And I don’t want to have to live up to anyone’s expectations.”

Those two sentences explain so much about who Damon is, and why he behaves the way he does.  In the same way Rebekah craves affection, Damon fears rejection.  And why not?  In a way, he’s been rejected all his life . . . by his father . . . by his brother . . . by the women he loves.  So, rather than put himself out there, and risk being rejected again, Damon turns inward.  He pretends to be cold and heartless, because it’s easier that way.  Because if people saw how truly large his heart was, they might toy with it, and break it.  And he’s simply not ready to bear the brunt of that pain for another eternity.

Of course, we have seen Damon show his goodness to many people . . . people he loves and cares about . . . like Stefan, Elena, Alaric, and Rose.  But he always does so with a caveat.  “I don’t do GOOD,” he tells them all . . . a pleading refrain.

When what he really means is, “Please don’t break my heart again.”

Elena understands all this instinctively, which is why she’s now so incredibly hot for Damon, she can’t breathe.   She turns her body toward the ceiling, mimicking his earlier gesture, but not before she reaches for his hand . . . What starts as a gesture of solidarity and understanding, becomes something much more . . . intense.  Seconds later, these two are having some serious Hand Sex.  There’s rubbing, massaging, groping and fondling.  Put it this way, if these were any other body parts, aside from fingers, this scene would be rated NC-17.

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Can you blame Elena for needing to go outside for some “air?”  And, more importantly, can you blame Damon for following her?  He knows a turned on hot tottie when he sees one!

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 By the time Damon approaches Elena, she’s literally gasping for breath.  She can’t resist any longer.  She grabs him, and kisses him intensely.  He throws her against the wall of the dirty motel passionately, as he kisses her chest and neck . . . there is not a single erogenous zone left untouched.  (Well . . . maybe ONE erogenous zone.)  She’s moaning, he’s panting.  It’s the dry hump of all dry humps.  And it is awesome.  And for one brief minute, the world is a perfect SEXY place.

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And then Cockblock Jeremy comes and ruins it all . . .

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Apparently, Rose has found Scary Mary in Texas, or wherever.  Who cares?  I want more Delena Almost Sex!  I’ve waited THREE SEASONS FOR THIS, DAMMIT!  Let’s relive it, shall we?

Where’s Fake Friend Kol when you need him?

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Vampire Hoarders – Scary Mary Edition

All sexual frustration aside, you know what?  I’m kind of disappointed that we never got to meet Scary Mary.  I mean, if DAMON thought she was creepy,  she must have really been a piece of work.  And yet, not creepy enough for our Bad Boy Vamp not to screw her in the past.

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That IS pretty Scary . . . Mary . . . 

“I said she was creepy, not ugly,” Damon quips, as Damon and Elena wander her haunted farmhouse of freakishness.  (They made Jeremy wait outside.  “Why so you two can make out more?”  Jeremy griped.  WE WISH!)

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Don’t mind if we do  . . .

Of course, Kol killed Scary Mary, before they got there.  Now, not only will we never get to meet Scary Mary.  We aren’t going to find out which Original sired her . . . probably for another season or so.  Maybe I’m exaggerating.  But I’m starting to think not.  Kol starts beating Damon up again.  Because it seems that poor Damon can’t go two episodes without getting torture or a beat down.  That’s just the price you pay for being a stud, I guess.

On a shippers note, I did love how both Elena and Damon put themselves in harms way to protect their makeout buddies.  “Don’t you touch her,” Damon growled, thereby causing my panties to drop again for about the 80th time this hour.

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But be wary, Delena fans.  Angst is-a comin . . .

In which Elena screws everything up (AGAIN),  but Rose gives us hope . . .

Outside Scary Mary’s house, Damon and Elena fondle one another’s wounds, as we know they LOOOOVE to do with one another.

But Damon makes the mistake of asking Elena what her sudden change of behavior is all about.  “Stefan thinks I have feelings for you,” Elena mumbles pathetically.

“Do you?” Damon asks stupidly?

(Really Damon?  You have to ask.  I mean, did you WATCH that hotel scene?)

“I don’t know,” replies Elena.

(AGRRRRHHHHH!  These people are killing me!)

Then, Elena has to go be all b*tchy, and admit that part of her was hoping that Damon would sabotage their makeout session, so Elena wouldn’t have to face the fact that she’s in love with someone who isn’t SAINT Stefan.

As frustrating as this scene was, I have to say, I was super proud of Damon for staunchly refusing to behave badl, thereby giving Elena an excuse to deny her feelings, and go running back to Stefan again.  Things may have ended badly between Damon and Elena, this week.  But I think, overall, it was a positive thing that Damon held his ground and leveled the playing field.  It’s about time, Elena chose a Salvatore once and for all, based on her true feelings, and not on some lame technicality . . .

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On the car ride home, Ghost Rose whispers in Jeremy’s ear that Damon and Elena had a fight, which is why they are now not talking, whereas, prior to this, they were eating one another’s faces.  (Well, THANKYOU, Captain Obvious!  And here, I thought they had just caught a bad case of mono / bronchitus, from all that kissing they were doing earlier.)

But like I said, I can’t bash Rose any more . . . especially not when she assumes the voice of the entire Delena fandom, by explaining why exactly, Stefan is the “safe” choice for Elena (because Rippers are SUPER safe), while Damon is the SEXY choice.  “She makes him a better person.  But he changes her too,” she explains surprisingly eloquently.  Damon challenges [Elena].  He makes her question her beliefs.  He is either the best thing for her or the worst.”

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Well, I’m going to go with THE BEST . . . but, other than that, I really couldn’t have said it myself.  I never thought I’d say this, but THANK YOU, Rose.  Thanks a lot.  (And, hey, if you ever want a side career, in TV recapping, you know who to call . . .)

Welcome back, Psycho Killer!

Back in Psycho Killer rehab, Alaric has woken up from his neckbreaking still himself . . . unfortunately.  Now, Stefan has to resort to beating Good Alaric up, in order to get Bad Alaric to come out and play.  Alaric even removes his ring, to raise the stakes.  It’s a surprisingly unpleasant scene, with Alaric bleeding everywhere, and Stefan desperately trying to fight the bloodlust he NEEDS to make this happen.

Eventually, Psycho!Alaric does appear.  And he starts flinging insults at Stefan like it’s his job.  “You’re pathetic,” he sneers.  “You’re nothing,” etc. etc.

But Psycho!Alaric isn’t all that smart, apparently, because it only takes him about two minutes to reveal that he hid the stake in the cave “where no vampire can get it.”  (Seriously, what’s with these people and caves?  Doesn’t anyone in Mystic Falls like to hang out above ground anymore?)

Of course, by the time Stefan and Psycho!Alaric arrive upstairs, Klaus and Rebekah are already waiting for them.  “Rebekah” gallantly offers to escort Psycho!Alaric to the cave, so Klaus can flirt some more with Stefan.  Honestly, Klaus has such a big boner for Stefan it’s not even funny.  It makes his boner for Caroline, look like . . . well . . .a handdrawn picture of a pony.  “I want my friend back,” Klaus gripes.

But Stefan isn’t about to be won over so easily this time.  He’s accepted his Ripperness, dagnamit!  And now NO ONE can control him . . . well . . . except for maybe Elena . . . boyfriend is TOTALLY whipped.

Here comes the TWIST . . .

Meanwhile, over in the caves, Psycho!Alaric, knowing he’s in grave danger of an Original Ass-Whipping / Cave Murder, tries to strike a deal with Klaus Barbie, before he crosses the threshhold back to where vampires CAN travel.  “Only one Original has to die,” he pleads.  “Help me, and I’ll make sure it’s not you.”

A fair enough proposal, but Rebekah isn’t having it . . . as she Boldly Goes into the Cave Where No Vampire Has Gone Before.  You see . . . because Rebekah isn’t a vampire anymore . . . She isn’t even Rebekah, anymore.  She’s MAMA “I WANT ALL VAMPIRES TO DIE” Esther  . . . .

. . . who’s currently borrowing her daughter’s body, like I used to borrow my best friend’s clothing in junior high.  (Her body fits better though . . . My best friend was WAY TOO TALL for me to fit in her pants.)

I smell an ALLIANCE OF EVIL . . .

And that was “Heart of Darkness” in a nutshell . . . next week we get another Deadly Decade Dance.  You can check out the Extended Promo, and a sneak peek here . . . (I’d give you the Canadian one too, if I could find it . . .)

Until next time, my fellow Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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“Dead” Men Don’t Dance (Unless They Are Damon!) – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Last Dance”

ELENA:  “Psst . . . Bonnie . . . so I have this plan that’s going to make Delena fans and Bamon fans totally want to kill one another.  It’s going to be SO COOL!  Are you interested?”

BONNIE:  “That depends . . . does it involve me having blood gushing out of my nose, and making constipated facial expressions, while I shoot bolts of light out of my fingertips?  Because I really hate that . . .”

ELENA:  “Umm . . . welllllll .  . . yeah . . . But you also get to butt hump Damon on the dance floor, for a little while!”

BONNIE:  “I’m IN!”

“Make Love . . . Not War.”  That’s a saying you always hear people say, when they talk about the 60’s . . .  and about the hippies, who made that era an extremely “groovy” (not to mention, REALLY SLUTTY) time to be alive.  So, it’s fitting that this episode of TVD, which centers around a 60’s dance, was chock full of both love AND war.  But you don’t really care about that, do you?  You just want to watch Damon wiggling his butt in tight leather pants! 

Shame on YOU!  I was trying to teach you a HISTORY LESSON!  Now, I know how Alaric feels (the REAL one)!

Yes, there was definitely something for EVERYONE in “The Last Dance.”  For example, no matter what SHIP you are on, your favorite couple probably AT LEAST danced together tonight.  (Except for Forwood!  Sorry Forwood fans!)  Your favorite character probably had at least one BAD ASS moment to shine on screen!  And the character you HATE the most, probably had at least one scene, where he or she was either flatly rejected, or (SURPRISE!) thrown up against a wall! 

Have you ever wondered who Steven R. McQueen pissed off in the TVD writer’s room, to ensure that (1) all Jeremy’s girlfriends get whacked; and (2) he gets his ass pummeled each week, by everyone from invisible witch girls, to middle aged men in Coke bottle glasses, to skinny 14-year old boys?

Though not quite as “plot heavy” as last week’s installment, “The Last Dance” was still an action-packed hour, complete with twists, turns, fights, cliffhangers, deaths, rebirths, and enough AWESOME Delena eye-f*&king to impregnate an entire COUNTRY of TVD fans, just from watching the show! romance to fuel fanfiction writers for the next YEAR AND A HALF, AT LEAST!

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Oh, the wonderous possibilities . . .

So, only one question remains, Fang Bangers, “May I have this dance?”

Playing House with AlarKlaus

You know what I really hate?  When evil old vampires possess my History teacher, and he compels me to stab myself repeatedly in the knee!  That just really sucks!  (It also makes wearing short skirts very difficult.)

Well, that’s ONE way to get rid of cellulite!

When the episode begins, we check in on AlarKlaus, who, apparently, has moved into Alaric’s house (which I guess makes sense . . . I just thought someone of Klaus’ stature would choose more fancy digs, than what one can purchase on a high school teacher’s salary).  Bunking with AlarKlaus is the kidnapped Katherine, and Klaus’ gay lover Sumo Warlock.  It sure sounds like a party to me!

After railing on Alaric’s admittedly boring as all heck “Safari Sam” wardrobe . . .

Chunky Monkey, notwithstanding . . .

. . . AlarKlaus (who’s new voice and accent makes him sound much less like Yoda than he did last week  . . . which is refreshing) starts trying to glean information about the Scooby Gang from a very grumpy-looking Katherine.  Unfortunately, Katherine’s been kind on the outs with the Scooby Gang, ever since THIS happened . . .

and THIS . . .

 . . . and let’s not forget THIS . . .

So, she doesn’t have very much information to GIVE!

In fact, the Katherine we see this week is a VERY different vamp, from the confident, in charge, villainess we saw in “Plan B,” who single-handedly maneuvered a Useless Aunt Jenna Suicide Attempt AND a Stelena Breakup, AND a Tyler werewolf curse activation, all without even breaking a sweat!

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The Katherine of “The Last Dance” is someone who has very much been beaten at her own game — rejected by BOTH Salvatores, betrayed by her best (only?) friend, and kidnapped by AlarKlaus.  It’s odd seeing a character who was once seemingly willing to DO anything, and betray ANYBODY, in order to stay alive, literally begging her tormentor for death.  And yet, in requesting to be put out of her misery, the usually sly Katherine makes yet ANOTHER mistake!  Because now that Klaus knows what Katherine WANTS, he’ll definitely make sure she doesn’t get it. 

“I’ve been searching for you for 500 years.  So, I’ll be sure to make your death take at least half that long,” AlarKlaus explains to a petrified Katherine.  And that’s how AlarKlaus came to compel Katherine to stab herself in the leg . . . over . . . and over . . . and over again.  “And if you get bored . . . switch legs,” he offers.  “Don’t be so glum, Kat!  The fun is just beginning!”

FUN, indeed!

FIRST he makes hilariously true jokes about Alaric’s bad wardrobe, and THEN he makes Katherine do the vampiric equivalent of a rat caught in a trap, who is forced to chew off its own legs.  It’s OFFICIAL!  AlarKlaus is about ten times cooler (not to mention, hotter) than the Useless Aunt Jenna-dating Alaric will EVER BE!

Ahhh, but can he DANCE?

It’s Time for a Knock-Knock Joke!

DAMON:  “Knock, Knock!”

ELENA:  “Who’s there?”

DAMON:  “Damon”

ELENA: “Damon who?”

DAMON: “Damon, who wants to get into your pants.”

ELENA:  “You may enter . . . them.”

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome (which, thanks to some quick and dirty paperwork, has hereby,  been redubbed Elena’s Casa de Rich and Awesome) the Salvatore brothers are standing on the front porch, waiting to be “invited” into the home that has LITERALLY been in their name for centuries.  Last week, when Damon half-jokingly told Elena that he would be “really pissed” if she refused to invite him back into his own house, I just KNEW that comment was going to come back and bite him in the ASS! 

And bite, it DID!  Because while Elena let Stefan into the house, without giving him much thought or attention, for that matter, when it came Damon’s turn, she decided to use this as an opportunity to engage him in some HIGH QUALITY flirtation and eye f*&king, before he “crossed the threshhold” into HER home (and, inevitably, her panties).

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“What are we twelve?” Damon asks, feigning annoyance, when he is secretly LOVING all the attention he is getting.

“One of us is,” says Elena, flirtatiously, blocking the door, and posing seductively, in a manner that would make doppelganger Katherine proud!

Elena makes Damon promise that he will OBEY the “owner of the house,” before allowing him to enter.  Upon hearing this statement, my mind immediately fills up with KINKY S&M images of these two . . .

“Damon, you’ve been a VERY BAD BOY!   You must OBEY ME!  Say my name, B*TCH!”

Oh, yeah, and I almost forgot.  Bonnie is at the house too.  And because it’s Mystery Meat Day at the cafeteria, Elena and Bonnie have decided to make their biannual pilgrimage to school.  Damon doesn’t want Elena to leave.  He’d much rather OBEY her some more upstairs in one of the bedrooms.  But Elena knows that the plot of this week’s episode requires her to attend at least one class, and lunch.  So, she insists.  “Next to Bonnie is the safest place I can be,” Elena offers helpfully.

Painfully Obvious Foreshadowing Moment #1

Journey to CougarTown

*sings* “Caroline’s mom has got it going on.  She’s all I want, and I’ve waited for so.  . .”  Ick, nevermind!

Back at Caroline’s house, Matt Donavasshole has arrived.   But he’s not there to visit to his girlfriend, like a normal red-blooded teenage boy would, he’s there to visit her, not particularly feminine, mother.

MATT:  “Ms. Forbes, are you trying to seduce me?”

LIZ:  “That depends . . . is it working?”

Apparently, Sheriff Lizard Forbes would very much like for Matt to keep boning her daughter, and playing dumb (Well, that part should be easy for him, at least!) about all the information Caroline told him last week.  That’s right boys and girls!  Lizard Forbes, not only knows HER own daughter’s secret, she also knows DAMONS . . . and STEFAN’S  . . . and ELENA’S . . . and TYLER’S (Way to be discreet, CAROLINE!)

“I just need you to buy me some time, while I figure out how to dig myself out of this ridiculous Black Hole of a Plotline the writers have dug for our now ridiculously unlikeable characters.

I’m sorry, but I just don’t understand this storyline AT ALL!  I suspect the point of this conversation was to make fans of the show HATE Matt less.  After all, he’s only doing what Caroline’s MOM wants him to do, right?  Right? 

WRONG!  The fact that Matt is chosing his girlfriend’s MOTHER, over his actual girlfriend just makes him a Mama’s Boy, not to mention a TOTAL WEINERFACE POOPYHEAD!

At least last week, when I thought Lizard and Donovasshole actually had a PLAN, behind their manipulation and betrayal of Caroline, I was intrigued by their newfound villainy.  Now, I’m just confused . . . and bored.  In fact, let’s just forget the aforementioned scene ever happened, OK?

POOF!  It’s been forgotten!

Don’t Know Much About History (But Know a Ton About Being CREEPY!)

Wanting to “lay eyes on his precious doppelganger,” AlarKlaus decides to head to school.  Normally, of course, this would be the absolute WORST place to find Elena, since, as I mentioned, she’s NEVER THERE.  But Elena IS at school today.  So, when AlarKlaus, under the guise of Alaric, arrives at his history class, it gives him the perfect opportunity to ogle and leer inappropriately at Elena, the daughter of his ex-wife, and adopted daughter of his now-ex girlfriend.  (Umm, yeah . . . because that’s not incestuous at all!)

“Care to join us, Elena?  We were playing pin the tail on the Chunky Monkey.”

The funniest part of this scene, of course, was that, unlike vampire Stefan, who, during the pilot episode, was a walking encyclopedia of dates and events.  New History Teacher AlarKlaus doesn’t remember a THING about the 60’s!  He’s been around so darn long that individual decades don’t even register on his radar! 

Not only can AlarKlaus not teach worth a DAMN, he also doesn’t know ANY of his students’ names, or what he was teaching in class the day before!  Of course, nobody in the class, least of all Elena, thinks there is anything at all strange about this.  Of course, I attribute this to the fact that the REAL Alaric is an alcoholic, who goes out drinking with Bromantic Buddy Damon every night, and always shows up to class wasted . . .

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At lunch “Dana” or as I like to refer to her “Creepy Compelled Girl from the Promos,” asks Elena if she is going to the 60’s dance tonight.  She then tells her that a “hot guy named Klaus,” who DOESN’T look like her history teacher, wants her to save the “last dance” for him.

“3 scenes, 3 lines.  You know what that means, don’t you?  SAG CARD, HERE I COME!”

By the way, did anybody else find it strange that AlarKlaus was “human,” in the sense that Bonnie would be capable of killing him rather easily, were it not for the use of a Protection Spell . . . and “human,” in the sense that he could, enter Elena’s house without an invitation (more on that later) . . . but “vampiric” in his ability to compel others?  Now, maybe this is because compulsion is something that occurs in the mind, and not the bodyAnd yet, I’ve always considered it to be an exclusively VAMPIRE power, which would mean that someone inhabiting Alaric‘s body, shouldn’t have been able to do it.  Any thoughts?

The knowledge that Klaus has invaded Mystic Falls High and miraculously compelled an Extra to play his “wingman,” makes Elena cry we, we, we, we, we all the way back to her Casa de Rich and Awesome, to tell the rest of the Scooby Gang the bad news.  I smell a Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation!

“Well Hi, There, Super Villain!  Wanna kill me?  Here’s HOW!”

So, remember how Damon used to be a member of the Let’s Kill All the Vampires in Mystic Falls Committee?

Well, it seems Klaus has taken a page out of the Salvatore Playbook, and has decided to join team Save Elena from Klaus . . .

It ends up being a BRILLIANT MOVE on Klaus’ part, actually.  Not only is the Scooby Gang COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to the fact that AlarKlaus acts ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE ALARIC, they also proceed to carefully detail for him their Klaus-killing plan.  Even though, presumably, Alaric himself, has probably heard it before (most likely during one of his and Damon’s LONNNNG nights of binge drinking). 

“I’m the Plan of Attack,” says Bonnie, like the humble gal she is.

When AlarKlaus challenges Bonnie’s ability to kill a Big Bad Vampire like himself Klaus, Bonnie gladly proves him wrong, by doing THIS . . .

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Look on the bright side, Damon.  At least it wasn’t a Wall Slam!

After his fun with the Scooby Gang, AlarKlaus heads back to Alaric’s crib and proceeds to play with himself “Safari Sam’s” toys.  Said toys include a SERIOUS arsenal of BAD ASS WEAPONRY .  . .

(As we already knew.)

 . . . and of course, lots of top quality liquor.  (See, I told you he’s an Alchy!)

AlarKlaus worries out loud that Bonnie (or as he lovingly refers to her, the Witch B*tch) might actually be able to defeat him, by murdering Alaric’s body.  So, Sumo Warlock comes up with the “brilliant” idea to “protect” AlarKlaus through a spell. 

Alert the media!  It speaks!

Once protected, Klaus can provoke Bonnie into using all her powers, thereby causing her to croak, just like the Great Witch Prophecy of Emily Bennett had said she would.

“Screw you too .  . . EMILY!”

And this brings us to the night of the  Next Last Dance . . .

Dance with the Devil (and everyone else on this show TOO!)

It’s 60’s Dance Night, and our Scooby Gang is trying to “blend in with the crowd,” and have fun, while,  at the same time, “tracking down and kiling Klaus.”  ALMOST everyone in the gang does a great job with the whole “Blending In” thing . . . except for . . . well . . .

You know you are a Major Buzzkill, when EVERYONE ELSE AT THE PARTY is wearing hot pants, and hippie outfits, and YOU show up dressed as an ASSASSINATED PRESIDENT, Matt DONAVASSHOLE!  It’s called a THEME dance, not Halloween!  Just  sayin’! 

Outside the dance, a still extremely concerned Jeremy tries to give Bonnie his Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality.  (Gee, I wonder why he would think she would be in danger?)

 

Bonnie declines Jeremy’s “marriage to life” proposal . . .

DEN-IED!

 . . . arguing that the ring only works on HUMANS and, as a witch, Bonnie is NOT exactly human.  You know, for all the MASSIVE hatred of all things supernatural, Bonnie has exhibited in the past, admitting that she is somewhat of a “monster” herself, is a MAJOR step in the right direction for our girl,  Bonnie!  And you know what THAT means, don’t you?

Painfully Obvious Foreshadowing Moment #2

Meanwhile, a very efficient AlarKlaus, has already begun the arduous task of Making the Compelled Humans Do His Work For Him.(LA-ZY!)  First, he “hires” “Dana” to give Elena the song dedication we witnessed in the promo.  Then, he commandeers “Dana’s 14-year old date and his rather wimpy looking friends” to “make some extra extra credit.”  AlarKlaus then slips this Second String Geek Squad some of Alaric’s gnarlier vampire hunting weapons (which reminds me, where the heck did AlarKlaus HIDE THOSE?  In his TIGHT PANTS?  A man purse, perhaps?)  to carry out this week’s Mini Gilbert Smackdown. 

But still, through it all, Damon is not impressed,  and he tells AlarKlaus as much . . .

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While, AlarKlaus goes and cries in his punch bowl, at Damon’s rejection of his villainy, Damon himself tries to IMPRESS his lady friends, with his Mad Dancing Skills, the excellence of which we are already well aware .  . .

Unlike AlarKlaus, who’d much prefer a more “prim and proper” decade, like the 20’s, Damon genuinely seems to feel at home in the 60’s. (I attribute this to the leather pants.)  And when he sees that his soon-to-be lover Elena is not enjoying herself quite as much as she should be, he sets out to change that, in one of my FAVORITE Delena moments of the episode . . .

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In a move that many of us Delena fans would like to view as a “foreshadowing of things to come,” Damon QUITE LITERALLY spins Elena away from Stefan’s arms, and into his own.  Elena is shocked, and pleasantly surprised by the gesture.  So, she shows her appreciation, by ogling Damon’s manparts, and staring at his eyes and lips, as if she would very much like to swallow them all whole.

 (Might I remind you that THIS is Ponytail Elena!  And, as we learned in “Daddy Issues” Ponytail Elena is ALWAYS down for Sexy Times with Damon!)

“You are very good at this,” says a Breathless Elena, as the tension of being stalked by Klaus starts to leave her body, and a DIFFERENT kind of tension, begins to build DOWN BELOW.  Damon further diffuses Elena’s discomfort, by offering up a bit of that patent snarky humor of his we all enjoy so much . . .

“Remember the LAST Dance we went to, where the vampires were all like ‘Arrrrrgh’ and you were all like ‘AHHHHHH?” 

I’m not even making that up!  Damon ACTUALLY says these words to Elena!  And it’s pretty friggin hilarious!  But Damon is not just saying it, to give fans of the show a little Season 1 flashback . . .

Memories . . . like the corners of my mind . . . misty water-colored memories . . . of the way we were!

He says it to remind Elena that she’s on the SCOOBY GANG!  And the Scooby Gang ALWAYS wins in the end!  GO TEAM!

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Having already swept Elena off her feet, Damon turns his attention to more practical matters.  And so begins his Ass Grind Fest with Bonnie Bennett, while the pair whisper Sweet Klaus Magical Murder Schemes in one another’s ears .  . .

Ponytail Elena, of course, is NOT AT ALL COOL with this!  No one is going to ASS GRIND with Damon, besides HER!  “What are THOSE TWO up TO?”  Ponytail Elena asks Jeremy pointedly, her kitty claws, ready to scratch Bonnie’s eyes out . . .

Ooh, I bet Damon LOVES it when she gets jealous!

A Broody Jeremy leaves the dance promptly.  So, Sensitive Stefan, always the group’s unofficial shrink, rushes to comfort him.  It is there, that Jeremy finally spills the beans on Bonnie’s Deadly Witch Sacrifice Plans.  So, of course, Stefan blabs to Elena.  And Elena confronts Bonnie.  And it becomes this BIG OLE Game of Telephone, Scooby Gang style! 

Elena pulls Bonnie aside, and tells her, once and for all, that she is NOT dying to save Elena’s life.  But Bonnie notes, not unkindly, that Elena would do the same thing for her.  And Elena can’t deny this . . . There is crying, and hugging, and all sorts of HO-mantic goodness .  . . and all while Poor Jeremy is getting his ASS HANDED to him, by a bunch of twerps, for the 85,000th time this season.  But when Damon and Stefan come to his rescue, they figure out pretty quickly that the twerps were compelled, and that this is all ONE BIG TRAP.

Meanwhile, “Alaric” has come outside to inform Elena and Bonnie that “Klaus has Jeremy.”  They quickly follow him back inside the school.  Ruh-ROH!

The Showdown!

I love how INCREDIBLY long it took Elena and Bonnie to finally figure out that Klaus had possessed Alaric’s body.  In fact, when AlarKlaus, who was clearly SO DONE pretending to be a mild-mannered history teacher, started verbally threatening them in the hallway, their first thought was that he was COMPELLED by Klaus to do it.  “Are you still on vervain, Alaric?”  Elena inquires.

Finally, AlarKlaus gives up being cryptic, and grudingly SPELLS IT OUT FOR THE GIRLS . . . “I’ll give you a hint, I’m not Alaric,” AlarKlaus admits.  (Well DUH!)  Now that all their secrets are finally out on the table, AlarKlaus comes clean about the fact that it is BONNIE he wants to murder this evening, not Elena.  So, Bonnie starts going all witchy on his ass.   But thanks to Sumo Warlock’s protection spell, it isn’t quite as effective as she would have hoped.  “If you kill this body, I’ll just have to go and get myself another one . . . maybe Jeremy’s,” Klaus notes . . .

“You mean, there’s a scenario out there, where I might actually WIN a fight, for a change?  HELLS YEAH!”

(Hmmm, now the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality protects Jeremy from Death by Supernatural Beings.  I wonder if it protects him from possession by Supernatural Beings . . . interesting . . .)

Knowing a lost cause when they see one, Elena an Bonnie dash off in retreat.  Outside, the school, we see Damon employ a similar Divide and Conquer Vampire Trick to the one we saw Klaus use on Elena and Bonnie, earlier.  (I swear there must be a Vampire Playbook out there, somewhere!) 

“GO FIND STEFAN,” Damon instructs Elena.  (And she falls for it . . . AGAIN!)

Where’s your head at, girlfriend?  Keep this up, and the next thing you know, you’ll be hiding important ancient artifacts in soap dishes!

Alone again with Bonnie, Damon begins to describe to her his plan for Elena’s survival, in earnest . . .

Bonnie’s Big Sacrifice

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“You’re ass is GRASS, AlarKlaus!”

The Big Battle Scene between Bonnie and AlarKlaus takes place in some student lounge.  It’s not much of a battle, really.  Because the pair NEVER so much as lays a finger on one another.  We see Bonnie do her, nose bleed, raised hand, glaring thing.  Alaric gets thrown around the room a bit, Mini Gilbert style, but always gets up unscathed. 

Then, vending machines start exploding, and my heart goes out to the students at MysticFalls  High.  Because I know just HOW LONG school days can be, when you can’t get your $.75 pack of pretzels, or your $1.00 Diet Coke with Lime!

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Umm . . . Bonnie?  I don’t know how to tell you this, but your nose is like REALLY BLEEDING, and you’ve got some lightning sparks in your hair . . .

Speaking of Bonnie’s hair, I’ve just figured out the REAL benefit of witchy fighting: NO BAD HAIR DAYS!  You can save the world, and still look like you just stepped out of a salon!  (Well . . . as long as you plug up those unsightly nose bleeds, that is!)

Anywhoo, Elena arrives on the scene just in time to see AlarKlaus disappear into thin air, and Bonnie drop dead . . .

Now, if you’ve read these recaps before, you know that Bonnie and I aren’t exactly the best of “pals.”  But you’ve really gotta hand it to Nina Dobrev, and her Mad Acting Skills.  Because when she rushed onto the scene, and started bawling over Bonnie’s lifeless body, I must admit, I grew a bit teary-eyed, myself. 

Moments later, the Salvatore Bro’s rush onto the scene, with Damon instructing Stefan to get Elena away from the body, so that he can DO HIS BUSINESS.  Being the Good Little Boy that he is, Stefan complies. 

Meanwhile, Damon gently closes Bonnie’s eyes, and carries her down to some weird candlelit room.  (What’s with witches and candles anyway?  Can someone explain this to me?)  Damon finds Jeremy in the parking lot, and solemnly directs her to Bonnie’s underground grave.  When he gets down there, Bonnie opens her eyes . . .

SURPRISE!  Bonnie’s NOW A FLESH EATING ZOMBIE!  She’s ALIVE!  Haha, fooled you, TVD fans!  Aren’t accidental deaths meant to manipulate the audience into having FEELINGS for a character they may or may not have originally given two craps about HILARIOUS!

Now, that you’ve totally flipped your sh*t, it’s time for a little product placement.  You see, apparently, Jeremy brought his little mini laptop with him to the dance (DORK!)!  I’ll show you how he plans to use it in a bit.  Meanwhile, let’s go check on Elena, who’s not in on the “SUPER FUNNY” Death Fake Out, YET . . .

“I will ALWAYS choose YOU!”

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Back at Elena’s Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan is trying in vain to comfort his girlfriend, who is still completely inconsolate over the not-so-much-death of Bonnie.  When Damon comes  home from “burying the Witch Bitch,” a tearful Elena, really lets him have it, “You knew she was going to DIE,” Elena insists.

“Yes,” replies Damon.  *facepalm* 

(See, if I were Damon, my first words, upon entering the house, would have been.  “HAHA, BONNIE’S ALIVE!  APRIL FOOL’S!”  I mean, talk about burying the lead!)

Not surprisingly, Elena slaps Damon for his insensitive words . . . HARD! 

And THAT’S when Damon FINALLY decides to tell her the truth: that  Bonnie had to make Klaus BELIEVE she was dead, so that he would stop trying to attack her.  Damon’s reasoning for keeping this from Elena was that, he believed that, if she knew what was going to happen, she probably wouldn’t have put on as believeable a Cry Face, as she did that evening.  (Well . .  . it WAS a good Cry Face!)

Elena happily rushes to her room and heads online.  Back in the Bat Cave, Jeremy has set up his underground WiFi connection, which allows Elena and Bonnie to SKYPE together!  YAY!  Lamest Best product placement ever! 

You can just imagine the tagline on the inevitable commercial that will result from this,  “Have you faked your own death?  Are you bored and lonely, living life underground, while all your friends and family are having fun upstairs?  SKYPE can HELP!”

(Which reminds me . . . doesn’t Bonnie have parents?  Aren’t THEY going to start to wonder, why she never came home from the dance?  Aren’t there ANY good parents on this show?)

And YES, I am looking at YOU, Useless Aunt Jenna!  Little Miss, I’m Going to Live on Campus for a Week, While the Two Children in My Care Get Beat Up, and Psychologically Tortured, at a School Dance, and one of them somehow “Purchases” a MANSION!

AHEM!

Oh, DON”T even get me started!

Downstairs, at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan is pouting, because Damon didn’t let him in on the Oh-So-Funny plan he and Bonnie had to PUNK Elena.  Damon rightfully argues, that had he told Stefan, Stefan would have undoubtedly gone blabbing to Elena, and ruined everything.

“Don’t get me wrong Stefan, I don’t mind being the Bad Guy,” Damon begins.  “I’ll make all the Life and Death Decisions while you worry about the collateral damage.  I’ll even let her hate me for it.  But at the end of the day, I’ll be the one to keep her alive.”

Harsh words, Elder Salvatore . . . but true.  I actually think THIS moment represents a real turning point for the Stefan-Elena-Damon love triangle.  But not for the reasons you might think.  Remember back in “Rose,” when Damon told Elena that he loved her, but ultimately compelled her to forget it, because he felt that Stefan was more DESERVING of Elena’s love, than he was?

Who am I kidding?  Of COURSE you remember!  It was EPIC!

Well, THIS is the first time we’ve seen Damon actually question whether or not that is actually true.  Here, BOTH Stefan and Damon are coming to the realization that Damon MAY, in fact, be better equipped to save Elena, than Stefan is.  After all, Damon is willing to hurt Elena, in order to keep her safe, whereas Stefan might not be capable of doing so.  Interestingly enough, Stefan never contests Damon’s accusations against him.  Rather, he seems to take them to heart, in a very personal way.

And I think that it is THIS realization on Damon’s part, that allows him to be as upfront with Elena, about his feelings for her, as he is in the next scene.  While Damon does not go QUITE as far, as he did in “Rose,” in that he does not verbally use the word, “love” to describe his feelings for her, the words Damon does use are JUST as powerful of an indicator of that emotion. 

I’ll let you watch the scene in full first, so you can get the complete impact.  And then I’ll make a few choice comments . . .

Watching this scene again, I’m struck by how very HONEST both Damon and Elena are with one another, about their true intentions.  In hindsight, you can almost SEE the moment, when Elena makes the decision to do what she does in the final scene.  Once she’s decided, she all but telegraphs to Damon, her choice, as if begging him to say the thing that will stop her.  “Let me get one thing straight, I will NOT let Bonnie die for me,” says Elena.  “There has to be another way.”

You can try to hide your true  feelings from Damon.  But Flirty Hair Pulls of Lust don’t LIE, Elena!

But Damon loves Elena so very much, that he can’t hear what she is trying to tell him in this moment, which is tragic on so many levels.  “Let me get one thing straight,” he begins, “If it comes down to you or the Witch again, I will gladly let her die.  I will ALWAYS . . . CHOSE . . . YOU.”

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Just as Damon realized that he HAD to keep his plans regarding Bonnie a secret from Elena, in order to protect Elena’s life, Elena now realizes that she has to keep her decision from Damon, in order to protect Bonnie’s life.  And it is because they are both such similarly passionate people — who are willing to sacrifice everything  forthose they care about — that Damon and Elena will NEVER agree on the lengths they should go to keep Elena safe. 

I think my favorite moment of the scene, was the very final one.  This is after all the confessions have been made, when Elena realizes that her next move is going to be a major betrayal of Damon’s love for her.

After saying good night to Damon, Elena turns back toward him, and looks him straight in the eye.  (For a second there, I REALLY did think she was going to kiss him.)  Clearly, there was SO MUCH that Elena wanted to say to Damon: about his feelings for her . . . about HER feelings for him . . . and  about the sacrifices people make for ones they love.  And I actually think Elena came EXTREMELY close to telling Damon her plans regarding Elijah.  But in the end she knew that she couldn’t.  Instead, Elena leaves Damon’s room, sad, confused, and resigned to her fate.

As Damon watches Elena go, he too has left a lot unsaid, regarding just how much he truly loves her, and how much it kills him to see her in pain, especially when he is the one causing it.  And yet, now that Damon is FINALLY starting to realize how much he truly deserves Elena, there’s a good chance HE may unburden himself to her completely,someday soon.  Hopefully, that day will come sooner, rather than later.

But first . . . he will have THIS new development to deal with . . .

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As you recall, the Rhythm Method of Murdering Vampire Originals has one small catch . . . “pull out” too late, and you’ve got another pesky little vampire bun in your oven!  That’s right boys and girls!  Thanks to Elena, ELIJAH HAS RETURNED!

Speaking of Elijah, next week, we get to see him in Flashback Mode, complete with a Brand Spanking OLD haircut!  Oh, and did I mention the TITLE for next week’s episode?  It’s called “Klaus.”  Yes indeed, the REAL Voldemort will be showing his face on your television screen VERY SOON!  You can check out the extended preview for the episode, right here:

In the epic words of Elijah himself, “I believe the term you are looking for is ‘OMFG.'”

See you April 21st, fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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How Klaus Became the NEW Voldemort!- A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Know Thy Enemy”

Damon:  “So, you’re KLAUS, now?  WTF Alaric!  I thought we were supposed to bros?  Do the words ‘Team Badass’ mean NOTHING to you?”

Alaric:  “Ummmm .  . . yeah . . . sorry about that.  But, hey!  At least I won’t be forcing you to hang out with my Boring Ass Girlfriend, anymore!”

Damon:  “True . . .”

OK, so remember THIS GUY?

“Dammit Harry Potter!  If I was on The Vampire Diaries, they would  have made me HOT . . . or, at least, given me a nose.”

Well, then you know how, in the first few Harry Potter books and films, “Big Bad” Voldemort never actually MADE an appearance.  He just hypnotized all these random folks to do his bidding, while he skulked around town, in search of a new face.  (Honestly, can you BLAME him?  I mean LOOK at the guy?)   

That’s kind of what Klaus has become on The Vampire Diaries.  Everybody talks about him.  Some folks even work for him.  But nobody seems to actually know what he looks like unless they read the spoilers.

In related news, Alaric Saltzman has officially become AWESOME once again . . .

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“AlarKlaus?”

He is also randomly sporting a bizarre new voice and accent, that makes him kind of sound like Yoda . . .

“Words . . . I speak.  Understand them . . . you will not.”

Oh, and in case I didn’t mention it before, THE LONG HIATUS IS OVER!  THE VAMPIRE DIARIES ARE BACK, FOR GOOD!

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Let’s get on with that recap, shall we?

Breaking News:   Useless Aunt Jenna comes face-to-face with an Evil Vampire . . . and actually DOESN’T invite her inside the house!

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There’s a first time for everything!

The episode begins literally right where we left, off a few months back, with Isobel (who’s such a RIDICULOUSLY awful mother, she makes that corpse in the basement at the end of Psycho look positively maternal, by comparison) arriving on Elena’s doorstep.  This makes things incredibly awkward for Useless Aunt Jenna, who, in the past few seconds, has just learned the following:  (1) her boyfriend’s wife is not quite as DEAD as he made her out to be; (2) that undead b*tch gave birth to Elena; and (3) everybody in Mystic Falls, except for Jenna, herself, already seemed to know this.  Needless to say, Jenna has had better days . . .

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“Wow, my character hasn’t done this much emoting on screen since . . . well . . . ever!”

Being the “rational and mature” guardian that Useless Aunt Jenna is, she responds to this Unwelcome Home Invasion by . . . throwing a temper tantrum, and disappearing for the rest of the episode.  (You’ve really gotta love all the stellar examples of parenting on this show.  It’s no wonder, everybody runs around, throwing eachother into walls, and biting one another!  It’s like Lord of the Flies on this show!)

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“SNIFF . . . now, I’m never going to get to see Alaric’s Chunky Monkey AGAIN!”

Speaking of Alaric, he stopped by the Gilbert House to (1) apologize to Useless Aunt Jenna for being a Terrible Boyfriend . . . and (2)  to do something us TVD Fans have been wanting to do, ourselves, since Season 1 . . . PUNCH Uncle / Father John in the FACE!

An image that has resulted in the destruction of many television screens . . . due to objects being thrown at them . . .

Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .

Kat Plays for Both Teams (in more ways than one)

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Katherine tells the Salvatore Brothers that, despite having played for Team Smug Asshole (a.k.a. Isobel and Uncle / Father John) for the past few episodes, she is now “TOTALLY” batting for our Salvatore Scooby Gang.  The CunningVamp promises to do whatever it takes to help those Sexy Salvatores save Elena, so long as that means offing Santa Klaus.  Of course, no matter how many times Katherine dances around the living room, like a girl who really has to peepreparing for a strip tease,  neither vampire brother particularly seems to trust her.

As it turns out, the brothers’ suspicions are well-founded!  Just a few scenes later, we find Kat encountering Isobel at the “Safe House” the latter supposedly purchased for Elena.   (“It’s the nicest foreclosure on the block,” Isobel notes proudly, in TVD’s first ever, Timely Recession Reference.)

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At first, Kat attacks Isobel, by . . .  throwing her up against the wall.  SURPRISE!  (I’m beginning to think this is some form of Bizarre Vampire Greeting, considering how often it’s done on the show.)  Soon after, the pair are being all flirty and seductive with eachother.  There’s definitely this odd sapphic chemistry between them.  In fact, watching Katherine and Isobel interact, I can’t help but wonder if these two have ever “known one another in the biblical sense,” if you catch my drift . . .

“Yeah, thanks for giving me Crabs, last time you were here!  That was fun!”

The other odd thing I noticed about Isobel, is that, ever since she’s returned to Mystic Falls, she has lost all emotional affect in her voice.  Every line she utters is delivered in this painfully dull monotone kind of like James Franco hosting the Oscars.  Of course, in hindsight, this noticeable change in Isobel’s personality (assuming she has one!) actually makes a lot of sense to her character’s particular plotline.  But initially, I must admit, I attributed it to bad acting.  (Sorry Mia Kirshner!)

“Don’t worry, I ain’t mad at ya!  (I’ll just eat you in your sleep.)”

While Isobel and Katherine chat, we learn that Katherine, at Isobel’s urging, is actually planning to cut some kind of deal with Klaus, in which her own life will be spared, in return for her turning over to him the Moonstone  . . . and Elena.

(We also learn that Isobel has a nickname for Useless Aunt Jenna . . .  “Auntie Vanilla “. . . I like it . . . but I still think “Useless Aunt Jenna” is better.  Just sayin’!)

Later, while Damon and Stefan are out playing Save Elena Games, Katherine begins ransacking La Casa de Rich and Awesome, in search of the Mysterious Moonstone.  Of course, she’s not averse to helping herself to a few of the boys’ OTHER possessions, while she’s looking . . .

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After searching nearly the entire house, Kat heads to the bathroom to wash her hands.  It is there that she locates the Moonstone, which has been hidden by Damon (who always said the darn thing looked like “soap, “anyway) in the Biggest Soap Dish Ever!

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Now, I know a lot of TVD viewers out there were understandably annoyed at the USUALLY brilliant Damon, for picking such a seemingly lame hiding place for such an important object.  Many of you might have even wondered why Damon, an admittedly “manly man” keeps so many Fancy Girly Hand Soaps in his bathroom, in the first place!  The answer to the second inquiry is quite simple, actually:  Damon REALLY likes getting clean . . .

As for why Damon chose the Soap Dish as the Moonstone’s Hiding Place, I’d have to say, the writers “compelled” him to do it, as a gift to US!   Because, think about it, had Damon NOT hidden the Moonstone in the soap dish, we would not have been treated to THIS . . .

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“GRRRRR . . . Wearing clothing makes me SO MAD!” 

Or this . . .

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“GRRR . . . Girly Soaps make me SO MAD!”

I rest my case.  Speaking of the Sexiest Salvatore. . .

Damon meets the ONLY women on the PLANET who don’t want him in their house!  (Of course, they are DEAD . . . and have no taste.)

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Just so you know, Damon . . . MY DOOR is ALWAYS OPEN!

Damon spends a large chunk of the episode hanging out with Witchy Bonnie and Mini Gilbert.  NOOOOOOO!  Hang out with ELENA, DAMON!  YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HANGING OUT WITH ELENA!

A witch, a vampire, and a Gilbert walk into a house . . . I think I once heard a really bad joke that started like this . . .

You see, through his many years of trying to rescue Katherine from the tomb she wasn’t in . . . , Damon learned the location of the house where all the Mystic Falls witches were burned alive, back in 1864.  If Bonnie can harness the power of these witches, she can kill Klaus.  So, Bonnie, Jeremy and Damon, pick up a spell book from a probably VERY RANK- smelling Jonas’ house . . .

(BTW, I love how DEAD LUKA has been rotting away on the floor of that apartment for MONTHS, and nobody seems to care!)

 . . . and head to the all-powerful Witch Burning Site.

“Hi, honeys . . . we’re HOME!”

As it turns out, three is DEFINITELY a crowd, at the Dead Witch Bed and Breakfast.  And soon after Damon enters the house, strange things start happening to him. (Unfortunately, none of those “strange things” involve his clothing magically disappearing from his body.)

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First, Damon finds himself glued to the floor.  Then, his Sunscreen Ring suddenly stops working, and he gets the WORST SUNBURN EVER!  Wisely, Damon decides to leave the house before things get “too intense.”

Alone in Witchland, Bonnie and Jeremy start preparing to perform the “I see dead people . . . and take all their powers” spell.   While Bonnie mumbles and chants gibberish, the witches start whispering something in her ear. 

“Pssst, you’re boyfriend is REALLY HOT.  Think he’d mind if we all had Hot Invisible Poltergeist Sex with him?”

Of course, Nosy Jeremy wants to know what the witches are saying, but Bonnie won’t tell him (which means she probably agreed to the Hot Poltergeist Sex Thing).  Suddenly, Bonnie is screaming in pain.  And Jeremy gets ghost f*&ked thrown into a wall for the 85,000th time this season . . .

“I’m starting to think that the universe is trying to tell me something . . .”

Then, it’s all over.  And Bonnie and Jeremy celebrate, by making out again . . .

Outside, the house, Bonnie shows off her  newfound witchy powers, by making Mystic Falls have Really Bad Weather for 15 seconds . . .

I would have made myself a Super Model / Lottery Winner, instead . . . but that’s just me.

After doing some research, Jeremy learns that using all those witchy powers necessary to kill Klaus, will result in Bonnie’s death as well . . .

“ANOTHER Dead Girlfriend?  Are you friggin kidding me, with this?  That’s IT!  Next season, I’m totally turning gay!”

Speaking of soon-to-be-dead folks . . .

Isobel’s Big Plan

While in town, Isobel confronts Alaric, tells him how much she used to love him  . . . and has her Massively Large Warlock Body Guard, Jedi Mind Trick him into unconsciousness.  (Did you ever notice how EVERY vampire has their own witch on this show?  The Salvatores have Bonnie.  Elijah had Jonas.  Klaus has this nameless Sumo Warlock.  Is there some sort of a Witches R’ Us store in Mystic Falls that I don’t know about?) 

Isobel then heads to the Lockwood Mansion, where Elena is accepting some random award on behalf of her OTHER Dead Mom.  Once there, Izzie seemingly kills Uncle / Father John, by biting him in the neck and tossing him down a flight of steps.  (Geez, punched in the face, bitten, AND thrown down steps.  It’s not really this guy’s episode, is it?)

“At least I got to keep my balls all my fingers, this time!”

While, the crowd is tending to Uncle / Father John . . .

Katherine is “tending to” Elena . . .

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Moments later, Stefan finds “Elena,” and takes her out of the mansion.  The problem is, The REAL Elena is gone!

When Stefan finally figures out what has happened, Katherine, looking remarkably like Elena, stabs Stefan with a syringe (filled with what exactly?  It was never explained . . ) and tosses him into her “bush.”  Sexual symbolism abounds . . .

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And in this moment, Delena fans across the world, simultaneously updated their Tumblrs and Facebook pages, with the best thing that has happened to their SHIP (at least symbolically), since Damon told Elena he loved her in “Rose.” 

Then Damon magically appears!

After assuring the masses at La Casa de Lockwood that Uncle / Father John is unfortunately not dead yet, Damon proceeds to entertain them, by performing  a Ventroliquist and Dummy Act with Elena’s Bio Dad’s limp body . . .

“Now, watch me make him dance!”

Back at The Nicest Foreclosure in Town, Katherine gets  . . . kidnapped by . . . Sumo Warlock?

Meanwhile, Isobel drives an unconscious Elena to a grave site, that I had assumed would be for Elena’s adopted parents, but was actually Isobel’s own . . .

Isobel explains to Elena how no one is actually buried there (DUH!).  However, a part of Isobel really did die, when she became a vampire.  Isobel wistfully wishes that Elena got to meet the nice (probably dull) Isobel, who studied supernatural things, regularly boned Alaric, not to mention Uncle / Father John (Maybe she wasn’t so dull, after all!), and genuinely loved her bastard child daughter.  Then, Isobel gets a call from Sumo Warlock.  He tells Isobel, that her “job” is done, and Elena is free to go! 

Wait . . . huh?

Apparently, Klaus compelled Isobel to do ALL the evil crap she did during this episode!

OK . . . so let me get this straight . . . Klaus compelled Isobel to (1) get Katherine to find the Moonstone; (2) have Alaric kidnapped; (3) push John down the steps; (4) kidnap Elena; AND (5) betray Katherine, so that SHE could get kidnapped, while carrying the Moonstone. 

(Does being compelled give you, like, Super Human Memory or something?  Because that seems like a WHOLE LOT to remember to do  . . .   even for a non-Hypnotized Zombie Type . . .)

But at least now we know why Isobel seems to have lost her ability to emote, since last season!  She’s been a Klaus’ Toy Robot this entire episode!

Speaking of rotting and decayed flesh, Isobel tells Elena that she’s “sorry she was such a disappointment to [her].” The vampiress then rips off her Sunscreen Necklace (I thought they only came in rings!) and “tragically” meets the sun, a la Godric in True Blood.  The difference, of course, is that Godric made killing yourself, look pretty darn awesome, while Isobel, quite honestly, looked a bit rough, during her Dramatic Death Scene . . .)

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“I’m FLYING!”

Oh, HONEY!  You really need to moisturize!

“Isobel Fleming . . . consider yourself OWNED!”

Sayonara, Mama Isobel!  It’s been . . . REAL . . . interesting. 

(For those of you keeping score, Elena has now experienced, FIRSTHAND, the death of THREE PARENTS!  How many YEARS of therapy, do you think it’s going to take to erase THAT?)

Meanwhile, in Not-So-Clueless-Anymore Matt News . . .

And you thought TYLER did Caroline dirty! (a.k.a The Forwood is MUCH BETTER than Caratt Plotline)

“I have three things to tell you, Mama Forbes.  (1) I think your daughter is an Evil Bloodsucking Vampire; (2) she probably killed my Slutty Sister; (3) I’m SUPER hot for Cougars in Uniform . . .”

So, throughout most of the episode, Poor Caroline is trying to get in touch with Matt, who has been avoiding her, ever since she SAVED HIS LIFE at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  (Way to be grateful, DOUCHE!)  When Caroline, inappropriately, asks Tyler’s mom, where Matt might be, the latter reminds Caroline that HER SON, TYLER is also missing, and that Forwood belong together, so Caroline should really get her priorities straight! 

(Oh, by the way, how weird is it that Snooty Mama Lockwood is officially, by default, the BEST MOM ON THIS SHOW?)

Outside, the Lockwood Mansion, Matt accosts Caroline’s mom, with crazy talk of vampires and supernatural beings having something to do with the death of his sister.  Later, Matt arrives at Caroline’s house, with some BIG FAT LIE story about Mama Forbes bringing him there to “cool down.” after his “outburst.”  Matt’s Big Monologue about how alone he feels, being the only Clueless Human in a clearly Supernatural World . . .

 . . .  is remarkably reminiscent of Tyler’s admission to Caroline (which also took place at her house) about how alone he felt, having to cope with the Werewolf Curse, all by himself . . .

Except . . . you know . . . Tyler’s speeched rocked, and Matt’s . . . well . . . didn’t.

Anywhoo . . . Matt claims that he wants to know everything about Vicki’s death, and what’s going on in Mystic Falls.   So, Caroline gives him these . . .

Just kidding!  But Caroline REALLY does seem to have told Matt everything that’s been happening on the show, at least, everything that has happened since she became totally awesome a vampire.  (I wonder how long THAT took!) 

Then, Cry Baby Matt tells Caroline that he’d rather not know all this Scary Stuff. WUSS! So, he asks Caroline to compel him to forget everything he just BEGGED her to tell him, moments earlier.  (Way to WASTE CAROLINE’S TIME, MATT DONVA$$HOLE!)  Reluctantly, Caroline obliges . . .

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“Don’t worry, Matt. Vampires and werewolves don’t really exist . . . And Santa Claus is real . . . and so is the Tooth Fairy . . . and the Easter Bunny.  Also, there is no war, or poverty, or hunger.  The world is a Perfect Place.”

The Big Twist comes just seconds later, when Matt hops into  . . . Mama Forbes car and starts boning her reveals everything.  “I did what you said.  I drank that vervain stuff, got [Caroline] to tell me everything, and then told her to make me forget it.  I think she DIED,” Matt whines to Caroline’s mom.  Caroline’s mom tearfully agrees . . .

Well YEAH, GENIUSES!  She DID die!  That’s what makes her a VAMMMM-PIRRRRRRE!

Honestly, I don’t know who made me madder in this scene:  (1) Matt, for manipulating Caroline, and then (AFTER hearing her obviously HEARTFELT, and extremely guilt-ridden, confession about what’s been going on in Mystic Falls) STILL not believing her to be the same sweet girl he supposedly fell in love with not too long ago . . . just because she happens to drink a little blood, every once in a while . . .

“That’s SO racist!”

 . . . or (2) Caroline’s OWN mother, for so easily thinking the worst of her daughter, just on the say-so of Some Dumb Kid She Used to Date.

You know, what?  Why choose?  Here’s what I have to say to BOTH of them!

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Come back soon, Tyler!  Your girl, Caroline, NEEDS YOU!

In MUCH Nicer Boy News . . .

Team Salvatore FOR THE WIN (for now . . .)!

How’s this for a rockin’ present?  Upon realizing that EVERY BAD GUY IN THE WORLD has access to the Gilbert home  (Thanks, AUNT JENNA!), and that Elena needs a place where she can be safe, Damon and Stefan decide to DEED LA CASA DE RICH AND AWESOME OVER TO HER . .  . OMG!  They gave her an ENTIRE MANSION!  Holy CRAP!

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Later, the two brothers bond over booze, and the knowledge that, because THEY are the only ones who know that Bonnie has her witchy powers back, she is  literally their Secret Weapon to Kill Klaus . . .

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Speaking of Klaus, Katherine wakes up on the floor of Sumo Warlock’s hideaway to hear him performing weird creepy chants over an unconscious Alaric’s head.  Then, “Alaric” wakes up . . . and he’s got this disturbingly evil look in his eyes, which makes me think Sumo Dude programmed him to be some Mindless Killing Machine.  But Nu-Alaric is something WAY COOLER THAN THAT! 

“Lovely Katarina.  I’ve missed you,” he warbles in that weird new accent of his. 

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“Klaus?”  A dumbfounded, and clearly terrified, Katherine replies.  (And . . . that’s when I peed my pants . . .)

Next week’s episode promises a WHOLE LOT MORE AlarKlaus, not to mention some funky costumes, and a TON of DELENA DANCING!

You can check out the kick ass extended promo for “The Last Dance” here:

Is it Thursday yet? 8)

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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