Poor Damon! This was really NOT your episode, was it? NO Sexy Shirtless Bathtime Fun, NO scenes with ELENA, TOTALLY SHOWED UP by Vampire Elijah, and FORCED to be the Masochist in some Random Werewolf’s Creepy S&M Fantasy. Methinks SOMEONE needs a hug, BIGTIME!
Well this was a rather eventful episode, wasn’t it? Here’s just a quick rundown of SOME of the things that happened on TVD this week: Salvatore Brothers and witches got tortured; werewolves got their hearts ripped out; we started to HATE Tyler; we began to LOVE Tyler again, and then he LEFT Elijah OWNED us all; and Jeremy and Bonnie started swapping spit.
Whew! Just thinking about it, makes me all tired and sweaty . . . In fact, you know what I need now? A SHOWER!
And THAT was the unnatural and manipulative way I managed to work Naked Damon into this recap . . . Any questions?
Prepare to have your hearts ripped out TVD fans. Because this recap is about to begin . . .
And then there were THREE . . .
It’s fitting that this episode was entitled “Crying Wolf”
because most of those EVIL VAMPIRE-TORTURING WEREWOLVES finally friggin died! GOOD RIDDENS! After all, the hour’s opening moments featured Soul Crusher Jules and Wereoaf Brady tearfully preparing to BURN their dead, after last week’s Were/Vamp/Witch Showdown. Then THIS GUY appears literally out of no where . . .
And he just starts babbling on . . . and ON . .. and ON, as if we are automatically supposed to know who the f*&k he is, but we DON’T. We don’t really care who he is either. Because he’s a WEREWOLF, who is not Tyler, which, by definition, means he SUCKS ASS. Nevertheless, Random Dude played an important enough part in this episode that I am unfortunately required give him a name. So, I will: Weredork.
Anyway, Weredork helpfully informs Soul Crusher Jules and Wereoaf Brady that, since Mason was hanging out with Vampire Katherine before he croaked, and seemed intent on finding the Moonstone, one can deduce that: (1) Team Salvatore jacked the Moonstone, after murdering Mason; and (2) they are currently collecting all the ingredients they need to break the Moonstone Curse. As loyal TVD fans, we know that Weredorks assessment of Team Salvatore is only half-true. But, for now, we are willing to go with it, anyway (if only so Weredork will finally shut the hell up) . . .
Wereoaf Brady responds to this new discovery, by saying, in his typical overly simplistic Comic Book Villain way, “We can’t let that happen, even if we have to kill EVERY LAST VAMPIRE . . .”
[Insert Cheesy Maniacal Laugh Here]
(Coincidentally, here are some OTHER things Wereoaf Brady would view as justification to “KILL EVERY LAST VAMPIRE:” (1) A vampire stole his girlfriend; (2) a vampire THOUGHT about stealing his girlfriend; (3) a vampire stole his Cocoa Puffs (Thereby, driving him cuckoo.); (4) a vampire has a better Maniacal Laugh than he does; (5) a vampire has more hair than he does . . .)
From the Dog Poo-Covered Forest of the Were People, we are then transported to a much Kinder, Gentler Locale, namely Vampire Barbie’s Dream House, where Vampire Barbie, herself, is cuddled up in bed with BOTH Elena and the Witchy Bonnie. (Male Fantasy, much?)
“Hello, LADIES! Got room for one more?”
The phone rings. And Elena literally falls out of her bed and onto her rump, trying to answer it. And all I can say, is that I WISH someone had a GIF of this moment that I can share with you. Because, to me, anyway, watching Ridiculously Attractive People Fall Down (provided nobody gets seriously hurt, of course) is ALWAYS funny.
Oooh . . . wait . . . nevermind! I just found one!
Not surprisingly, Elena’s Gentleman Caller just so happens to be Stefan. (CLEARLY, this vampire has never learned the “Don’t Call a Girl’s House Before 10 a.m. on Weekends, Because She Needs Her Beauty Sleep” Rule.) Fortunately, for Stefan though, Elena doesn’t seem to mind being woken up too much . . .
Is it just me, or does the above screencap look EXACTLY like one of those Love Line ads they air on television at 3 a.m? You know . . . the ones that promise Very Lonely Men that if they “CALL NOW, for only a $1.95 a minute, they can have phone sex with Criminally Underage Females?”
Speaking of Sex Lines, as far as Phone Sex Operators go, Elena would a be a NATURAL! Observe the kittenish, and almost nauseatingly flirtatious, way in which she tells Stefan she wants to “have a Slumber Party with him,” and convinces him to drop everything, for an impromptu weekend getaway at her family’s lakehouse. Fortunately for Stefan, he’s been around long enough to recognize an Opportunity for Lots of Sex when he sees one. And so, he instantly accepts his girlfriend’s invitation.
“Who’s your Pimp Daddy? Awww yeah, it’s ME!”
Speaking of BIG PIMPS . . .
Mama’s Got a Brand New Scarf . . .
Woah . . . Alaric looks REALLY jealous . . . of Andie!
Those of you who watched last week’s installment of TVD (and, seriously, how could you NOT HAVE? It was SO AWESOME!), know that it ended with a Wet and Soapy Damon getting hot and heavy with a certain “Action News” reporter . . .
Well, it turns out she spent the night with Damon at La Casa de Rich and Awesome. (Sorry LADIES!) The next morning, (just like Damon’s LAST Sex Toy, Caroline) we find Andie sporting a telltale new scarf around her undoubtedly vampire Hickey-covered neck, and cheerfully obeying every Damon’s every command. Before she leaves, Andie helpfully informs Damon that Elijah will be hosting a Historical Society Event in town. Damon’s curiousity is piqued by this information, because he has a TOTAL Man Crush on Elijah. (Can you blame him?)
Then, Damon catches Andie at the door, and pulls her into his hypnotic gaze, “You are falling hard [for me],” he commands. (Not that he NEEDS to do this, mind you, given who he is, and WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE NAKED).
“You may be the one,” a Tranced Out Andie agrees before exiting .
By the way, Delena fans will proudly note that Damon clearly COULD HAVE used this trick on Elena, back during “Rose,” when he first confessed his love for her. He DIDN’T, of course, because he DOES LOVE HER, and wants what they have together to remain REAL and PURE. (Regarding My Favorite TVD Scene EVER, we sort of get to revisit it, later in this episode. But not exactly in the way you might think . . .)
It’s Time for a Little Bromance!
Speaking of people who are not-so-secretly in love with Damon (See what I did there? ;)), his Bromantic Buddy, Alaric, is waiting in the wings for Andie to leave, so that the pair can engage in a much-needed Team Bad Ass Reunion . .
The two immediately begin gossiping like school girls, with Damon noting how “excited” he is to crash Elijah’s Historical Society Tea Party. “
Oooh! What are you going to wear?” Alaric coos excitedly, secretly hoping that Damon has decided to wear nothing at all . . . You’re not planning to KILL Elijah at his own Tea Party, are you [ because that would just be RUDE]?” Alaric, ever the Master of Decorum, inquires with concern.
“No . . . but I think it’s time we met,” Damon replies.
Ummm . . . Damon, haven’t you ALREADY met Elijah? (And by “met” I mean, “staked his ass once. Then, a few episodes later, watched in horror, as he ripped the hearts out of two vampires at once, with the same ease, and lack of concern, with which most people take peanut butter out of the pantry.”)
That’s right! You BETTER BOW DOWN!
Surprisingly, Damon actually DOES want to
hook up with talk to Elijah, BEFORE he kills him. Specifically, Damon hopes that Elijah will let him in on his TRUE intentions regarding Elena. But, considering Elijah, is NOT THAT DUMB, it’s probably a good thing that Caroline, Bonnie and Jeremy have a MUCH STUPIDER subject from whom this information can be obtained, namely, Luka the Puke-a!
She put a spell on YOU!
That’s right, Boys and Girls! Luka (a.k.a. Wind Orgasm Guy) . . .
. . . knows what Elijah’s been hiding! (Him and Big Bad Warlock, Papa Jonas, are in cahoots with the guy, after all.) And, unlike Elijah, Luka’s not smart enough to keep all this a secret from his nemeses . . .
A Warning to Jeremy: Do NOT F*&K with BONNIE BENNETT! When her boyfriends screw her over, she gets revenge, BIG TIME. And, judging by what she did to Luka this week, if you screw this up, headaches are going to be the LEAST of your problems, Mini Gilbert!
“Is it too late to un-cancel my subscription to Match.com?”
While Caroline and Jeremy look on, with a mixture of awe, and horror, Bonnie pretty much singlehandedly (1) lures Luka into her Witchy Web . . .
. . . (2) mind-f*&ks him into unconsciousness; (3) drags him back to her house; (4) makes him have a REALLY PAINFUL LOOKING seizure (Then again . . . is there really any other kind of seizure, besides a REALLY PAINFUL ONE?)
. . . (5) puts him in a trance . . .
. . . (6) gets him to reveal information about Elijah that’s ALMOST DEFINITELY going to get him murdered; (7) and then makes him forget the whole incident ever happened . . .
Enjoy your blissful ignorance while it lasts, Luka! Because once Elijah finds out what you told Bonnie, trance or no trance, the only “more screentime” you will be getting is a not-particularly-well-attended funeral!
What we learn from Luka through this, admittedly immoral, interrogation process, is the following: (By the way, forgive me for the extensive use of LISTS in this recap. It just seems kind of necessary, given everything we’ve learned this week.) : (1) Elijah’s ULTIMATE plan is to kill Santa Klaus . . .
(2) Since Santa Klaus is OLD AS F*&K, the only way to KILL HIM is to make him vulnerable. And the only way to make him VULNERABLE, is to perform the Moonstone Sacrifice. After THAT sacrifice is performed, Klaus will be temporarily weakened. And Elijah can go in for the kill.
(3) In order for this to happen, Elena must DIE . . .
(4) Finally, not that we actually CARE, but Jonas and Luka are working with Elijah, because he promised to release Luka’s sister from Santa Klaus’ clutches, if they agreed to give the BAD ASS MO FO a helping hand.
Mind Rape of Luka completed, Bonnie promptly calls Damon to share this information with HIM, who, in turn calls Stefan. (It’s like PLAYING TELEPHONE!) Then, the Little Witch turns her attention to Mini Gilbert, whose been giving the girl Puppy Dog Eyes the WHOLE NIGHT!
Bonnie soon launches into another one of her ENDLESS TIRADES about why she can’t be with Jeremy. “I’ve known you forever,” explains Bonnie matter-of-factly. “I’ve seen you through your Awkward Phase . . .
. . . your Emo Phase . . .
. . . and your Druggie Phase . . .”
(Ummm . . . yeah Bonnie? Don’t act like your so special. We’ve seen all those “phases” too. They happened over the course of about five episodes . . .)
“But now, you’ve turned into this HOT GUY, who’s really sweet,” Bonnie concludes.
Mini Gilbert may be a bit younger than the rest of his Scooby Crew. But he’s NO DUMMY! He knows an INVITATION when he sees one. And so he pulls his Witchy Woman in close for a Big Juicy Wet One . . .
I’m happy for your Mini Gilbert. Really, I am. But, like I said earlier, just do yourself a BIG favor, and DON’T MAKE HER ANGRY!
Because if you do, you may not live to regret it.
Speaking of people you REALLY shouldn’t mess with . . .
Damon Gets Pinned to the Wall (and not in a good way) . . .
So, I mentioned earlier, that Damon was headed to a little Tea Party to have a little meeting with the Big Bad Elijah. Needless to say, it doesn’t go well . . .
Elijah thinks Damon should KNOW HIS ROLE (i.e. protect Elena, and otherwise, BUTT OUT!) “The moment you cease to be of use to me, you are dead. So, you should do what I say,” threatens Elijah.
Not typically one to do what he’s told, Damon is not cool with this . . . AT ALL . . . But he gets a bit cooler with it, after Elijah shoves him in to a wall, and sticks a pencil in his neck . . . OUCH!
Needless to say, it’s been a rough day for Damon, and he’s VERY MUCH looking forward to a nice relaxing evening spent
having sex withgossiping with Alaric about his new girlfriend, and Elijah’s awesome hair. Unfortunately, Damon can’t relax long, because he has WERE-Company . . .
Before Damon can say, “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf,” Alaric has been shot, and is playing dead. (Don’t forget, dude’s got the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality on his side!)
“Jewelry is a man’s best friend!”
. . . and Damon himself has been made into a Sex Museum Exhibit, by Jules, the Weredork , and some soon-to-be-dead Were-extras . . .
Having been on the OTHER SIDE of this situation not so long ago, Damon can’t help but note the irony of it all . . .
But then ELIJAH THE AWESOME ARRIVES! Once at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elijah begins doing what he does best, i.e. ripping the hearts out of random pesky supernatural creatures (like Weredork), and assorted TVD extras, who are not playing nice with his new Man Friend, Damon . . .
Needless to say, this is the third time Elijah has spared / saved Damon’s life in furtherance of the promise he made to Elena back during Episode 10. Understandably, Damon is impressed
and more than a bit turned on.
Unfortunately, however, Soul Crusher Jules got away, before Elijah had the chance to literally RIP HER A NEW ONE . . .
“Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah, I still have my [non-functioning and black as coal] heart!”
(Elijah always did seem to have a bit of a soft spot, for the LADIES, if you know what I mean . . .)
But aside from THAT major (not to mention highly plot convenient) misstep, on Elijah’s part, most of the pesky were-losers are now dead, Alaric is OK, Damon is safe, sound, and has a brand new role model, and everyone (involved this plotline, at least) can, for now, live happily ever after . . .
Well . . . except for Useless Aunt Jenna . . .
. . . who thinks her boyfriend, Alaric, stood her up because he was “grading papers and fell asleep; and can’t understand why she’s stuck living in such a BORING TOWN! 😉
Meanwhile, over at the Lakehouse . . .
Ding Dong the Wereoaf’s Dead (and Tyler’s regretful, and Elena’s got some ‘splaining to do)
While Elena waxes poetic about her long-term future with Stefan (in a scene which is a bit snoozy, and nauseatingly Twilight-esque, but actually ends up being REALLY important . . .) . . . the EEEVVILL WEREWOLVES are plotting to ensure that the Happy Couple’s IMMEDIATE future will SUCK royally . . .
Tyler has just arrived at the Were-house. So, Weredork decides to fill him in on the whole “Moonstone Curse” thing . . .
“I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that my whole purpose in this episode is to impart all the BORING, but important, information that the characters and you need to know to understand what’s going on here. Then, I have to DIE fast, before my presence becomes too tiresome to TVD fans, predisposed to hate my guts. But, actually . . . no . . . come to think of it . . . that’s exactly right.”
Weredork dully explains to Tyler how the Moonstone Curse restricts vampires from walking in daylight (unless, of course, they have Sunscreen Rings), and forces werewolves to change during the full moon. If the vampires break the curse, they can walk around outside anytime they want (which, most of them can do ANYWAY, due to Sunscreen Rings). But, if WEREWOLVES break the curse, they can turn at will, and don’t HAVE to transform, during the Full Moon. This of course, means they don’t have to turn AT ALL, if they choose not to do so.
Tyler likes this idea, VERY MUCH! Gee, I wonder why?
Weredork also explains to Tyler that the Petrova Doppelganger, who LOOKS like Mason’s ex girlfriend Katherine, is NEEDED to break the curse. (Of course, he carefully leaves out WHY she’s needed, and what she would have to do to actually break it.) An-Eager-to-Please Tyler
douchebaggily helpfully points out that ELENA is the Petrova Doppelganger, after seeing a picture of her look-a-like Katherine. Tyler even goes as far as to offer to help find his so-called “friend.”
Tyler does this, by bumping into Caroline at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls. He then pretend to try to apologize to her again for standing around and doing NOTHING, like a TOTAL jackass, last week, while she was getting TORTURED by his Were-Loser Friends. Needless to say, Tyler’s lame APOLOGY fails miserably. But THIS doesn’t . . .
*cough a$$hole cough*
Of course, like many of you, I don’t initially notice Tyler surreptitiously putting Caroline’s cellphone in his butt pocket, after he accidentally / on purpose bumps into her. (People can itchy back there, sometimes, you know?) So, when Elena gets a text from “Caroline” asking to talk, and she replies that she’s headed to the Lakehouse, I think that text is REALLY from Caroline.
So, when the camera paned up from the phone to EVIL TYLER, wearing a Cat Who Ate the Canary expression on his face . . .
. . . I may or may not have thrown a pillow (or ten) at the television screen . . .
Just sayin . . .
Meanwhile, Stefan and Elena are at the Lakehouse, enjoying their time together, by HAVING SEX exploring their surroundings.
(Seriously? Because if it was DAMON, you just know they’d be HAVING SEX!) After all, Elena hasn’t visited the Lakehouse, since her parents died. And there is much teary-eyed reminiscing to be done. That being said, there are SOME things in your childhood vacation home that you shouldn’t go searching for, when your boyfriend is in town . . .
The Awkward Moment when your Vampire Boyfriend finds your Parents’ Secret Vampire Slayer Weapons Stash . . .
But before Elena even has the chance to come up with a convincing lie as to what these “tools” were used for (“Ummmm, my parents were REALLY Aggressive Gardeners?”), Stefan and Elena learn that they are not-so-much alone in the Lakehouse. Then, THIS happens . . .
To add insult to injury, Tyler is there too, looking particularly menacing (and, regrettably, very hot).
On the ground, and writhing in pain, Stefan begs Tyler for help. “We don’t want to break the Moonstone Curse,” Stefan pleads to his “friend.”
“But I DO,” replies Tyler, before shooting him in the leg. (Oooh, Steffy! Bet you didn’t see that one coming, did you?)
While Tyler continues to hold Stefan at gunpoint, Wereoaf Brady chases Elena around the Lakehouse, saying creepy things to her like, “I can smell you.” (Is it just me, or does Elena get chased around houses by psychos, EVERY SINGLE EPISODE?)
“Awwww, man, NOT AGAIN! This kickass boots I’m wearing are simply not made for running stairs.”
Fortunately, for Elena, she manages to incapacitate Wereoaf Brady, long enough for a now-conscious Stefan to rip out his heart, Elijah Style (Am I spotting a new- trend here?)
“Hey, Elena . . . guess what we’re having for dinner tonight? I hear it tastes JUST LIKE CHICKEN!”
(By the way, is it just me, or do the “hearts” on this show always seem to resemble hand grenades? Maybe that is supposed to be “symbolic” or something . . .)
Nice knowin’ ya, Wereoaf Brady! That’s what ya get, for Screwing with Vampire Barbie!
Stefan briefly contemplates de-hearting Tyler too. But, ultimately, he decides against it. Instead, the Younger Salvatore informs the Temporary Villain that this Moonstone Curse he seems so intent on breaking, requires Elena to DIE, in order for him to accomplish it.
“I’m sorry Elena. I didn’t know what they were going to do to you. I just didn’t want to be like this anymore,” Tyler mumbles guiltily.
Too little, too late? I’d say so, if I was Elena. But our girl, Gilbert, has a heart of PURE GOLD. And she responds to Tyler’s admittedly inadequate apology for breaking into her dead parents’ home, SHOOTING HER BOYFRIEND, and stalking her with a Were-oaf, by offering him up one of her trademark hugs . . .
Hugs by Elena: They can turn even the baddest of boys, GOOD! Just ask THIS GUY!
Wonder of wonders, Elena’s Magic Hug does seem to do it’s job on Tyler. Toward the end of the episode, our favorite Teen Wolf once again heads to the Scene of the Phone-Stealing Crime (Seriously, I hope he RETURNED that! Caroline seems like a gal who REALLY likes her phone). Once again, he confronts Matt, with whom he had “words” earlier on in the episode . . .
Apparently, Clueless Matt is FINALLY getting tired of being lied to. He also realizes that Tyler and Caroline
are obviously in love are the ones doing most of the lying to him. Understandably, it pisses him off. Tyler, who recognizes this, comes clean to Matt, by saying the SWEETEST PRO-FORWOOD SPEECH IMAGINABLE!
And here it is:
“I’ve been going through a rough time, something I can’t really talk about. And Caroline’s been helping me through it. She’s been there for me, more than anyone’s ever been there my entire life. And I kinda fell for her. I don’t know how anyone wouldn’t because she’s pretty incredible. She loves you, and she needs you. And to be honest, she deserves someone like you, so you be good to her. Okay?”
You can watch the scene, in all it’s Forwoody Awesomness, here:
Honestly? I know it doesn’t take back his pansy-assedness of last week, or his douchiness of this one. And yet, Tyler’s speech to Matt, which SO OBVIOUSLY came out of the Damon Salvatore: Bad Boy Pining and Self-Sacrificing for Dummies Handbook, by the way, (Watch that FABULOUS scene from “Rose” again, and compare, if you don’t believe me!).
“I know, I’m awesome!”
. . . had the impact of giving me TOTAL amnesia of all of Tyler’s bad acts, and only leaving me with THIS . . .
Oh, yeah! I’m THAT easy!
And, BECAUSE, af ter a brief hiatus, I am now totally on Team Tyler again, I found the end of the episode, in which Tyler visits Caroline secretly, one last time . . .
. . . leaves his own mother a Dear John note . . .
. . . and escapes to Lord Knows Where, but definitely away from Mystic Falls, with Soul Crusher Jules . . .
. . . so incredibly hearbreaking.
Not that I don’t think that Tyler will be BACK, or anything. Because he TOTALLY WILL! The question is, however . . . will Caroline be waiting for him, when he returns . . .
*Sigh* MAN, I hope so! Because this . . .
. . . is not something you can just throw away!
Did I mention that, when Stefan learns Elijah’s true intentions from Damon, and confronts Elena about how her “friend” basically wants her to DIE, she says that ALREADY KNOWS, AND DOESN”T GIVE TWO SH*TS?
Contrary to what we might have assumed, Elijah did NOT trick Elena into thinking he was going to save her, when he had no intention of doing so. Rather, Elena VOLUNTARILY agreed to sacrifice her life, so that Elijah would spare the lives of the people she loves
(LIKE DAMON!). Stefan, of course, is so TOTALLY not cool with the idea of his girlfriend playing martyr . . .
He’s also kind of pissed at her for saying that the two had a “LONG FUTURE” ahead of them (back when she was trying to get into his pants, earlier on in the trip), when she knew all along that it wasn’t the case. (See? I told you that sappy Stelena scene at the beginning of the episode would be important!)
And yet, watching this exchange, I found myself only thinking of ONE thing: What’s DAMON going to do, when he finds out about Elena’s Quest for Martyrdom? Because, you KNOW Damon’s going to have some sort of a plan to save his Lady Love!
Personally? I’m hoping it involves him showing up in Elena’s bedroom naked, and COMPELLING her to want to stay alive, using body parts other than his eyes, if you catch my drift. Of course, that’s just me . . .
And that’s all I’ve got, Fangbangers! As for next week’s TVD installment, “The Dinner Party” you can check out the Extended Promo here:
Dinner party hijinks? Elijah being awesome? Damon snarking at everyone? A petulant Katherine? The return of DARK STEFAN? Am I the only one wishing it was Thursday, already?
See ya, then!