Tag Archives: Cyler

When the Going Gets Tough (the Tough Get Tortured)- A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Crying Wolf”

Poor Damon!  This was really NOT your episode, was it?  NO Sexy Shirtless Bathtime Fun, NO scenes with ELENA, TOTALLY SHOWED UP by Vampire Elijah, and FORCED to be the Masochist in some Random Werewolf’s Creepy S&M Fantasy.  Methinks SOMEONE needs a hug, BIGTIME!

Well this was a rather eventful episode, wasn’t it?  Here’s just a quick rundown of SOME of the things that happened on TVD this week: Salvatore Brothers and witches got tortured; werewolves got their hearts ripped out; we started to HATE Tyler; we began to LOVE Tyler again, and then he LEFT  Elijah OWNED us all; and Jeremy and Bonnie started swapping spit. 

Whew!  Just thinking about it, makes me all tired and sweaty . . .  In fact, you know what I need now?  A SHOWER!

And THAT was the unnatural and manipulative way I managed to work Naked Damon into this recap . . . Any questions?

Prepare to have your hearts ripped out TVD fans.   Because this recap is about to begin  . . .

And then there were THREE . . .

It’s fitting that this episode was entitled “Crying Wolf” because most of those EVIL VAMPIRE-TORTURING WEREWOLVES finally friggin died!  GOOD RIDDENS! After all, the hour’s opening moments featured Soul Crusher Jules and Wereoaf Brady tearfully preparing to BURN their dead, after last week’s Were/Vamp/Witch Showdown.  Then THIS GUY appears literally out of no where .  . .

And he just starts babbling on . . . and ON .  .. and ON, as if we are automatically supposed to know who the f*&k he is, but we DON’T.  We don’t really care who he is either.  Because he’s a WEREWOLF, who is not Tyler, which, by definition, means he SUCKS ASS.  Nevertheless, Random Dude played an important enough part in this episode that I am unfortunately required give him a name.  So, I will: Weredork.

Anyway, Weredork helpfully informs Soul Crusher Jules and Wereoaf Brady that, since Mason was hanging out with Vampire Katherine before he croaked, and seemed intent on finding the Moonstone, one can deduce that: (1) Team Salvatore jacked the Moonstone, after murdering Mason; and (2) they are currently collecting all the ingredients they need to break the Moonstone Curse.  As loyal  TVD fans, we know that Weredorks assessment of Team Salvatore is only half-true.  But, for now, we are willing to go with it, anyway (if only so Weredork will finally shut the hell up) . . .

Wereoaf Brady responds to this new discovery, by saying, in his typical overly simplistic Comic Book Villain way, “We can’t let that happen, even if we have to kill EVERY LAST VAMPIRE . . .”

[Insert Cheesy Maniacal Laugh Here]

(Coincidentally, here are some OTHER things Wereoaf Brady would view as justification to “KILL EVERY LAST VAMPIRE:”  (1) A vampire stole his girlfriend; (2) a vampire THOUGHT about stealing his girlfriend; (3) a vampire stole his Cocoa Puffs (Thereby, driving him cuckoo.); (4) a vampire has a better Maniacal Laugh than he does; (5) a vampire has more hair than he does . . .)

From the Dog Poo-Covered Forest of the Were People, we are then transported to a much Kinder, Gentler Locale, namely Vampire Barbie’s Dream House, where Vampire Barbie, herself, is cuddled up in bed with BOTH Elena and the Witchy Bonnie.  (Male Fantasy, much?)

“Hello, LADIES!  Got room for one more?”

The phone rings.  And Elena literally falls out of her bed and onto her rump, trying to answer it.  And all I can say, is that I WISH someone had a GIF of this moment that I can share with you.  Because, to me, anyway, watching Ridiculously Attractive People Fall Down (provided nobody gets seriously hurt, of course) is ALWAYS funny.

Oooh . . . wait . . . nevermind!  I just found one!

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Not surprisingly, Elena’s Gentleman Caller just so happens to be Stefan.  (CLEARLY, this vampire has never learned the “Don’t Call a Girl’s House Before 10 a.m. on Weekends, Because She Needs Her Beauty Sleep” Rule.)  Fortunately, for Stefan though, Elena doesn’t seem to mind being woken up too much . . .

Is it just me, or does the above screencap look EXACTLY like one of those Love Line ads they air on television at 3 a.m?  You know . . . the ones that promise Very Lonely Men that if they “CALL NOW, for only a $1.95 a minute, they can have phone sex with Criminally Underage Females?”

Speaking of Sex Lines, as far as Phone Sex Operators go, Elena would a be a NATURAL!  Observe the kittenish, and almost nauseatingly flirtatious, way in which she tells Stefan she wants to “have a Slumber Party with him,” and convinces him to drop everything, for an impromptu weekend getaway at her family’s lakehouse.  Fortunately for Stefan, he’s been around long enough to recognize an Opportunity for Lots of Sex when he sees one.  And so, he instantly accepts his girlfriend’s invitation.

“Who’s your Pimp Daddy?  Awww yeah, it’s ME!”

Speaking of BIG PIMPS . . .

Mama’s Got a Brand New Scarf . . .

Woah . . . Alaric looks REALLY jealous . . . of Andie!

Those of you who watched last week’s installment of TVD (and, seriously, how could you NOT HAVE?  It was SO AWESOME!), know that it ended with a Wet and Soapy Damon getting hot and heavy with a certain “Action News” reporter . . .

Well, it turns out she spent the night with Damon at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  (Sorry LADIES!)  The next morning, (just like Damon’s LAST Sex Toy, Caroline) we find Andie sporting a telltale new scarf around her undoubtedly vampire Hickey-covered neck, and cheerfully obeying every Damon’s every command.  Before she leaves, Andie helpfully informs Damon that Elijah will be hosting a Historical Society Event in town.  Damon’s curiousity is piqued by this information, because he has a TOTAL Man Crush on Elijah.  (Can you blame him?)

Then, Damon catches Andie at the door, and pulls her into his hypnotic gaze, “You are falling hard [for me],” he commands.  (Not that he NEEDS to do this, mind you, given who he is, and WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE NAKED).

“You may be the one,” a Tranced Out Andie agrees before exiting .

By the way, Delena fans will proudly note that Damon clearly COULD HAVE used this trick on Elena,  back during “Rose,” when he first confessed his love for her.  He DIDN’T, of course, because he DOES LOVE HER, and wants what they have together to remain REAL and PURE.  (Regarding My Favorite TVD Scene EVER, we sort of get to revisit it, later in this episode.  But not exactly in the way you might think  . . .)

It’s Time for a Little Bromance!

Speaking of people who are not-so-secretly in love with Damon (See what I did there? ;)), his Bromantic Buddy, Alaric, is waiting in the wings for Andie to leave, so that the pair can engage in a much-needed Team Bad Ass Reunion . .

The two immediately begin gossiping like school girls, with Damon noting how “excited” he is to crash Elijah’s Historical Society Tea Party.  “Oooh!  What are you going to wear?”  Alaric coos excitedly, secretly hoping that Damon has decided to wear nothing at all . . . You’re not planning to KILL Elijah at his own Tea Party, are you [ because that would just be RUDE]?”  Alaric, ever the Master of Decorum, inquires with concern.

“No . . . but I think it’s time we met,” Damon replies.

Ummm .  . . Damon, haven’t you ALREADY met Elijah?  (And by “met” I mean,  “staked his ass once.  Then, a few episodes later, watched in horror, as he ripped the hearts out of two vampires at once, with the same ease, and lack of concern, with which most people take peanut butter out of the pantry.”)

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That’s right!  You BETTER BOW DOWN!

Surprisingly, Damon actually DOES want to hook up with talk to Elijah, BEFORE he kills him.  Specifically, Damon hopes that Elijah will let him in on his TRUE intentions regarding Elena.  But, considering Elijah, is NOT THAT DUMB, it’s probably a good thing that Caroline, Bonnie and Jeremy have a MUCH STUPIDER subject from whom this information can be obtained, namely, Luka the Puke-a!

She put a spell on YOU!

That’s right, Boys and Girls!  Luka (a.k.a. Wind Orgasm Guy) . . .

 . . . knows what Elijah’s been hiding!  (Him and Big Bad Warlock, Papa Jonas, are in cahoots with the guy, after all.)  And, unlike Elijah, Luka’s not smart enough to keep all this a secret from his nemeses . . .

A Warning to Jeremy:  Do NOT F*&K with BONNIE BENNETT!  When her boyfriends screw her over, she gets revenge, BIG TIME.  And, judging by what she did to Luka this week, if you screw this up, headaches are going to be the LEAST of your problems, Mini Gilbert!

“Is it too late to un-cancel my subscription to Match.com?”

While Caroline and Jeremy look on, with a mixture of awe, and horror, Bonnie pretty much singlehandedly (1) lures Luka into her Witchy Web . . .

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 . . . (2) mind-f*&ks him into unconsciousness; (3) drags him back to her house; (4) makes him have a REALLY PAINFUL LOOKING seizure  (Then again . . . is there really any other kind of seizure, besides a REALLY PAINFUL ONE?)

. . . (5) puts him in a trance . . .

. . . (6) gets him to reveal information about Elijah that’s ALMOST DEFINITELY going to get him murdered; (7) and then makes him forget the whole incident ever happened . . .

Enjoy your blissful ignorance while it lasts, Luka!  Because once Elijah finds out what you told Bonnie, trance or no trance, the only “more screentime” you will be getting is a not-particularly-well-attended funeral!

What we learn from Luka through this, admittedly immoral, interrogation process, is the following:  (By the way, forgive me for the extensive use of LISTS in this recap.  It just seems kind of necessary, given everything we’ve learned this week.) : (1) Elijah’s ULTIMATE plan is to kill Santa Klaus . . .

(2) Since Santa Klaus is OLD AS F*&K, the only way to KILL HIM is to make him vulnerable.  And the only way to make him VULNERABLE, is to perform the Moonstone Sacrifice.  After THAT sacrifice is performed, Klaus will be temporarily weakened.  And Elijah can go in for the kill. 

(3) In order for this to happen, Elena must DIE . . .

(4) Finally, not that we actually CARE, but Jonas and Luka are working with Elijah, because he promised to release Luka’s sister from Santa Klaus’ clutches, if they agreed to give the BAD ASS MO FO a helping hand.

Mind Rape of Luka completed, Bonnie promptly calls Damon to share this information with HIM, who, in turn calls Stefan.  (It’s like PLAYING TELEPHONE!)  Then, the Little Witch turns her attention to Mini Gilbert, whose been giving the girl Puppy Dog Eyes the WHOLE NIGHT!

“Roof-Roof, Bow-Wow”

Bonnie soon launches into another one of her ENDLESS TIRADES about why she can’t be with Jeremy.  “I’ve known you forever,” explains Bonnie matter-of-factly.  “I’ve seen you through your Awkward Phase . . .

 . . . your Emo Phase . . .

 . . . and your Druggie Phase . . .”

(Ummm . . . yeah Bonnie?  Don’t act like your so special.  We’ve seen all those “phases” too.  They happened over the course of about five episodes . . .)

“But now, you’ve turned into this HOT GUY, who’s really sweet,” Bonnie concludes.

Mini Gilbert may be a bit younger than the rest of his Scooby Crew.  But he’s NO DUMMY!  He knows an INVITATION when he sees one.  And so he pulls his Witchy Woman in close for a Big Juicy Wet One . . .

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I’m happy for your Mini Gilbert.  Really, I am.  But, like I said earlier, just do yourself a BIG favor, and DON’T MAKE HER ANGRY!

Because if you do, you may not live to regret it.

Speaking of people you REALLY shouldn’t mess with . . .

Damon Gets Pinned to the Wall (and not in a good way) . . .

So, I mentioned earlier, that Damon was headed to a little Tea Party to have a little meeting with the Big Bad Elijah.  Needless to say,  it doesn’t go well . . .

Elijah thinks Damon should KNOW HIS ROLE (i.e. protect Elena, and otherwise, BUTT OUT!)  “The moment you cease to be of use to me, you are dead.  So, you should do what I say,” threatens Elijah.

Not typically one to do what he’s told, Damon is not cool with this . . . AT ALL . . .  But he gets a bit cooler with it, after Elijah shoves him in to a wall, and sticks a pencil in his neck .  . .  OUCH!

Needless to say, it’s been a rough day for Damon, and he’s VERY MUCH looking forward to a nice relaxing evening spent having sex withgossiping with Alaric about his new girlfriend, and Elijah’s awesome hair.  Unfortunately, Damon can’t relax long, because he has WERE-Company . . .

Before Damon can say, “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf,” Alaric has been shot, and is playing dead.  (Don’t forget, dude’s got the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality on his side!)

“Jewelry is a man’s best friend!”

. . . and Damon himself has been made into a Sex Museum Exhibit, by Jules, the Weredork , and some soon-to-be-dead Were-extras . . .

Having been on the OTHER SIDE of this situation not so long ago, Damon can’t help but note the irony of it all . . .

But then ELIJAH THE AWESOME ARRIVES!  Once at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elijah begins doing what he does best, i.e. ripping  the hearts out of random pesky supernatural creatures (like Weredork), and assorted TVD extras, who are not playing nice with his new Man Friend, Damon . . .

Needless to say, this is the third time Elijah has spared / saved Damon’s life in furtherance of the promise he made to Elena back during Episode 10.  Understandably, Damon is impressed and more than a bit turned on.

Unfortunately, however, Soul Crusher Jules got away, before Elijah had the chance to literally RIP HER A NEW ONE . . .

“Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah, I still have my [non-functioning and black as coal] heart!”

(Elijah always did seem to have a bit of a soft spot, for the LADIES, if you know what I mean . . .)

But aside from THAT major (not to mention highly plot convenient) misstep, on Elijah’s part, most of the pesky were-losers are now dead, Alaric is OK, Damon is safe, sound, and has a brand new role model, and everyone (involved this plotline, at least) can, for now, live happily ever after . . .

Well . . . except for Useless Aunt Jenna . . .

  . . .  who thinks her boyfriend, Alaric, stood her up because he was “grading papers and fell asleep; and can’t understand why she’s stuck living in such a BORING TOWN! 😉

Meanwhile, over at the Lakehouse . . .

 Ding Dong the Wereoaf’s Dead (and Tyler’s regretful, and Elena’s got some ‘splaining to do)

While Elena waxes poetic about her long-term future with Stefan (in a scene which is a bit snoozy, and nauseatingly Twilight-esque, but actually ends up being REALLY important . . .) . . . the EEEVVILL WEREWOLVES are plotting to ensure that the Happy Couple’s IMMEDIATE future will SUCK royally  . . .

Tyler has just arrived at the Were-house.  So, Weredork decides to fill him in on the whole “Moonstone Curse” thing . . .

“I know what you are thinking.  You are thinking that my whole purpose in this episode is to impart all the BORING, but important, information that the characters and you need to know to understand what’s going on here.  Then, I have to DIE fast, before my presence becomes too tiresome to TVD fans, predisposed to hate my guts.  But, actually . . . no . . . come to think of it . . . that’s exactly right.”

Weredork dully explains to Tyler how the Moonstone Curse restricts vampires from walking in daylight (unless, of course, they have Sunscreen Rings),  and forces werewolves to change during the full moon.  If the vampires break the curse, they can walk around outside anytime they want (which, most of them can do ANYWAY, due to Sunscreen Rings).  But, if WEREWOLVES break the curse, they can turn at will, and don’t HAVE to transform, during the Full Moon.  This of course, means they don’t have to turn AT ALL, if they choose not to do so.

Tyler likes this idea, VERY MUCH!  Gee, I wonder why?

Weredork also explains to Tyler that the Petrova Doppelganger, who LOOKS like Mason’s ex girlfriend Katherine, is NEEDED to break the curse.  (Of course, he carefully leaves out WHY she’s needed, and what she would have to do to actually break it.)  An-Eager-to-Please Tyler douchebaggily helpfully points out that ELENA is the Petrova Doppelganger, after seeing a picture of her look-a-like Katherine.  Tyler even goes as far as to offer to help find his so-called “friend.”

Tyler does this, by bumping into Caroline at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  He then pretend  to try to apologize to her again for standing around and doing NOTHING, like a TOTAL jackass, last week, while she was getting TORTURED by his Were-Loser Friends.  Needless to say, Tyler’s lame APOLOGY fails miserably.  But THIS doesn’t . . .

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*cough a$$hole cough*

Of course, like many of you, I don’t initially notice Tyler surreptitiously putting Caroline’s cellphone in his butt pocket, after he accidentally / on purpose bumps into her.  (People can itchy back there, sometimes, you know?)  So, when Elena gets a text from “Caroline” asking to talk, and she replies that she’s headed to the Lakehouse, I think that text is REALLY from Caroline. 

So, when  the camera paned up from the phone to EVIL TYLER, wearing a Cat Who Ate the Canary expression on his face . . .

SMUG BASTARD!

  .  . . I may or may not have thrown a pillow (or ten) at the television screen . . .

Just sayin . . .

Meanwhile, Stefan and Elena are at the Lakehouse, enjoying their time together, by HAVING SEX exploring their surroundings. (Seriously?  Because if it was DAMON, you just know they’d be HAVING SEX!)  After all, Elena hasn’t visited the Lakehouse, since her parents died.  And there  is much teary-eyed reminiscing to be done.  That being said, there are SOME things in your childhood vacation home that you shouldn’t go searching for, when your boyfriend is in town . . .

The Awkward Moment when your Vampire Boyfriend finds your Parents’ Secret Vampire Slayer Weapons Stash . . .

But before Elena even has the chance to come up with a convincing lie as to what these “tools” were used for (“Ummmm, my parents were REALLY Aggressive Gardeners?”), Stefan and Elena learn that they are not-so-much alone in the Lakehouse.  Then, THIS happens . . .

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To add insult to injury, Tyler is there too, looking particularly menacing (and, regrettably, very hot).

On the ground, and writhing in pain, Stefan begs Tyler for help.  “We don’t want to break the Moonstone Curse,” Stefan pleads to his “friend.”

“But I DO,” replies Tyler, before shooting him in the leg. (Oooh, Steffy!  Bet you didn’t see that one coming, did you?)

While Tyler continues to hold Stefan at gunpoint, Wereoaf Brady chases Elena around the Lakehouse, saying creepy things to her like, “I can smell you.”  (Is it just me, or does Elena get chased around houses by psychos, EVERY SINGLE EPISODE?)

“Awwww, man, NOT AGAIN!  This kickass boots I’m wearing are simply not made for running stairs.”

Fortunately, for Elena, she manages to incapacitate Wereoaf Brady, long enough for a now-conscious Stefan to rip out his heart, Elijah Style (Am I spotting a new- trend here?)

Hey, Elena . . . guess what we’re having for dinner tonight?  I hear it tastes JUST LIKE CHICKEN!”

(By the way, is it just me, or do the “hearts” on this show always seem to resemble hand grenades?  Maybe that is supposed to be “symbolic” or something . . .)

Nice knowin’ ya, Wereoaf Brady!  That’s what ya get, for Screwing with Vampire Barbie!

Stefan briefly contemplates de-hearting Tyler too.  But, ultimately, he decides against it.  Instead, the Younger Salvatore informs the Temporary Villain that this Moonstone Curse he seems so intent on breaking, requires Elena to DIE, in order for him to accomplish it. 

“I’m sorry Elena.  I didn’t know what they were going to do to you.  I just didn’t want to be like this anymore,” Tyler mumbles guiltily.

Too little, too late?  I’d say so, if I was Elena.  But our girl, Gilbert, has a heart of PURE GOLD.  And she responds to Tyler’s admittedly inadequate apology for breaking into her dead parents’ home, SHOOTING HER BOYFRIEND, and stalking her with a Were-oaf, by offering him up one of her trademark hugs . . .

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Hugs by Elena:  They can turn even the baddest of boys, GOOD!  Just ask THIS GUY!

Wonder of wonders, Elena’s Magic Hug does seem to do it’s job on Tyler.  Toward the end of the episode, our favorite Teen Wolf once again heads to the Scene of the Phone-Stealing Crime (Seriously, I hope he RETURNED that!  Caroline seems like a gal who REALLY likes her phone).   Once again, he confronts Matt, with whom he had “words” earlier on in the episode . . .

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Apparently, Clueless Matt is FINALLY getting tired of being lied to.  He also realizes that Tyler and Caroline are obviously in love are the ones doing most of the lying to him.  Understandably, it pisses him off.  Tyler, who recognizes this, comes clean to Matt, by saying the SWEETEST PRO-FORWOOD SPEECH IMAGINABLE!

And here it is:

“I’ve been going through a rough time, something I can’t really talk about. And Caroline’s been helping me through it. She’s been there for me, more than anyone’s ever been there my entire life. And I kinda fell for her. I don’t know how anyone wouldn’t because she’s pretty incredible. She loves you, and she needs you. And to be honest, she deserves someone like you, so you be good to her. Okay?”

You can watch the scene, in all it’s Forwoody Awesomness, here:

Honestly?  I know it doesn’t take back his pansy-assedness of last week, or his douchiness of this one.  And yet, Tyler’s speech to Matt, which SO OBVIOUSLY came out of the Damon Salvatore: Bad Boy Pining and Self-Sacrificing for Dummies Handbook, by the way,  (Watch that FABULOUS scene from “Rose” again, and compare, if you don’t believe me!).

“I know, I’m awesome!”

 . . . had the impact of giving me TOTAL amnesia of all of Tyler’s bad acts, and only leaving me with THIS . . .

Oh, yeah!  I’m THAT easy!

And, BECAUSE, af ter a brief hiatus, I am now totally on Team Tyler again, I found the end of the episode, in which Tyler visits Caroline secretly, one last time . . .

 . . . leaves his own mother a Dear John note . . .

 . . . and escapes to Lord Knows Where, but definitely away from Mystic Falls, with Soul Crusher Jules . . .

 . . . so incredibly hearbreaking.

Not that I don’t think that Tyler will be BACK, or anything.  Because he TOTALLY WILL!  The question is, however  . . . will Caroline be waiting for him, when he returns . . .

*Sigh* MAN, I hope so!  Because this . . .

 . . . is not something you can just throw away!

Did I mention that, when Stefan learns Elijah’s true intentions from Damon, and confronts Elena about how her “friend” basically wants her to DIE, she says that ALREADY KNOWS, AND DOESN”T GIVE TWO SH*TS?

Contrary to what we might have assumed, Elijah did NOT trick Elena into thinking he was going to save her, when he had no intention of doing so.  Rather, Elena VOLUNTARILY agreed to sacrifice her life, so that Elijah would spare the lives of the people she loves (LIKE DAMON!).  Stefan, of course, is so TOTALLY not cool with the idea of his girlfriend playing martyr . . .

He’s also kind of pissed at her for saying that the two had a “LONG FUTURE” ahead of them (back when she was trying to get into his pants, earlier on in the trip), when she knew all along that it wasn’t the case.  (See? I told you that sappy Stelena scene at the beginning of the episode would be important!)

And yet, watching this exchange, I found myself only thinking of ONE thing:  What’s DAMON going to do, when he finds out about Elena’s Quest for Martyrdom?  Because, you KNOW Damon’s going to have some sort of a plan to save his Lady Love!

Personally?   I’m hoping it involves him showing up in Elena’s bedroom naked, and COMPELLING her to want to stay alive, using body parts other than his eyes, if you catch my drift.  Of course, that’s just me .  . .

And that’s all I’ve got, Fangbangers!  As for next week’s TVD installment, “The Dinner Party” you can check out the Extended Promo here:

Dinner party hijinks?  Elijah being awesome?  Damon snarking at everyone?  A petulant Katherine?  The return of DARK STEFAN?  Am I the only one wishing it was Thursday, already?

See ya, then!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Rumble at the Were-House – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Daddy Issues”

Let’s Get Ready to RUMBLE! 

So, not only did this week’s installment of The Vampire Diaries offer us a Supernatural Battle Royale of EPIC Proportions  (Eat your HEARTS out, Twilight and True Blood!), it also provided a whole BOATLOAD of Gushy Relationship Stuff, sure to appease your inner fangirl, no matter WHO your favorite TVD Couple might be *cough Delena and Forwood cough*  Not to mention, there was WAY more Naked Damon Salvatore in this hour than you could shake a stick at (not that anyone would want to . . . shake sticks at him, I mean.)

Ladies, there is PLENTY more where this came from . . .

See, Damon . . . I know you had kind of a rough go of it last week . . . with all those “tears” and “feelings” and “stuff.”  But even YOU’VE got to admit, things are WAY better in Mystic Falls without Man-Stealer Rabid Rose to kill your buzz, aren’t they?

Harsh, but true, Girlfriend!

See?  I knew eventually you’d come to see things, my way!

Honestly, this episode put me in SUCH a good mood, that I’m not even particularly bothered by Damon’s new Sex Toy, Andie . . . yet.

I’ve got two words for you, New Girl:  Thin . . . Ice.

So, what are we waiting for, Fangbangers?   Let’s get DIRTY and NAKED, with our “Daddy Issues!”  And then, if we’re REAL good, Damon promises to help us “lather up and clean off” by the episode’s end!  Sound like a plan?

A Lot of People Died Last Week . . . Hey . . . wait . . . is that Naked Damon?

It’s morning in Mystic Falls.  Everyone’s got their eye on the morning news, and a re waiting for the Daily Traffic and Weather Report.  Here’s the scoop on both . . . Mystic Falls is about to get WAY more crowded, not to mention a whole lot WETTER . . .

*sigh*

Those of you who have always wondered about the sheer quantity of Senseless Deaths in Mystic Falls, and whether anyone in the godforsaken town ever cared to notice them, got your answer this week.  Yes, the townsfolk do seem to notice.  That’s why last week’s ENTIRE bloody body count made it into the town’s local TV news, within the first few minutes of the episode.  It’s also why Mystic Falls’ Random Event of the Week this week was . . . you guessed it . . . a Memorial Service.

And honestly, I’d like to tell you a bit more about it, such as where to send flowers, and where all the funerals will be held.  The problem is, I missed the end of the news broadcast, because I got a bit . . .  distracted.

Hey . . . wait, isn’t that Damon’s new Sex Toy, Andie on the TV Screen?

(These Orgasmic GIFs have been brought to you by, The Vampire Diaries Tumblr)

Ummmm . . . yeah . . . where was I again?

Oh yeah, Lots of Dead People . . . Town in Peril .  . . Carnage . . . Werewolves .  . . which reminds me . . .

Tyler and Caroline DO IT on top of her car . . . But “IT” isn’t quite what we were hoping for . . .

So, remember last week, when us Forwood (i.e. Caroline and Tyler) fans, got all our little panties up in a bunch, because a certain Romantic Automobile Scene from the promos was suspiciously absent from the episode?

And then, as we were sharpening our pitchforks, ready to give the writers a real piece of our minds, THIS happened, and all was magically forgiven . . .

Well, as promised, Tyler DID manage to get Caroline up on the hood of her car this week . . . just not in the way we wanted him to . . .

“Fooled ya, didn’t I, Forwood Fans?”

If you recall, last week, Jules the Werewolf Soul Crusher revealed to Tyler in the final moments of the episode that his Vampire Barbie might not be quite the Little Angel he always assumed she was.  To give you a better idea of the effect this probably had on Tyler, try to remember how you felt the first time you learned that Santa Claus wasn’t real . . .

Sorry, if I spoiled that for you, kiddies!  But Soul Crusher and I do sort of/ kind of share a first name.  So, what did you expect?

Given what we saw at the end of “The Descent” and the little snippets of the episode to which we were treated in the promos, we pretty much knew that Tyler wasn’t going to be too happy with his Gal Friday, when he saw her again this week.  What we might not have banked on, however, was that Poor Caroline would be so blissfully unaware of her Favorite Werewolf Pal’s sudden change in mood . . .

(While I would LOVE to take credit for this Fabulous Photographic Manipulation, it was actually created, believe it or not, by Matt Davis, a.k.a Alaric Saltzman, and given to me as a “gift” by my fabulous Blogger Pal, Cherie . . .)

So, here we have Caroline, still floating on Cloud Nine, after that AMAZING Kiss she shared with Tyler last week, when she steps out onto her front porch, and finds the Man with the Marvelous Tongue, himself, waiting for her there, once again.  “We need to talk,” says Tyler, his intense eyes piercing Caroline’s soul, as his oh-so-familiar words, send her spiraling upward into an ecstatic high that is undoubtedly The BEST CASE OF DEJA VU EVER!

So, Caroline starts babbling on in an elated rush, saying words she clearly doesn’t mean AT ALL . . . something about how “[they] can’t go there,” and “Matt,” and “feelings,” and blah, blah, blah.

While PRE-Soul Crushed Tyler would have undoubtedly accepted Caroline’s justifications with a sweet smile, some flirtatious words, and a renewed vow of friendship that would SURELY culminate in Super Hot Were Vamp Sex, by the end of the evening, Post-Soul Crushed Tyler just nods expressionless, like a sly cat, just waiting to pounce on his prey.  And because we all know too well, the misdeeds of which THIS Tyler is capable, we can’t help but feel just a teensy bit worried for Caroline, as she walks nonchalantly toward her car.

That’s when the other shoe drops . . .

“What happened to Mason?”  Tyler asks icily.

“Awwww, CRAP!”

He’s dead.  Because Stefan and Damon Salvatore killed him, because they are vampires . . . just like you,” Tyler remarks coldly, looking right through Poor Caroline, as he speaks.

But then, Tyler softens, and a bit of that old charming vulnerability shows through his tough veneer.  In this single moment, Tyler is subconsciously willing Caroline to prove him wrong. . . to allow him to continue to believe her to be his perfect angelic savior, “Is it true?”  He asks softly.

Caroline’s eyes fill up with tears.  She nods . . . slowly.  And then THIS happens . . .

So, Caroline’s up against the car, and in Tyler’s arms, just like we wanted.  And yet, somehow, I don’t think our favorite Baby Werewolf is about to tell Caroline that “whatever [she] needs, [he is] there for [her]” . . .

“I trusted you,” yells Tyler through clenched teeth, as his eyes go gold with werewolf rage.

Fortunately, Caroline’s tears, along with the look of abject terror in her eyes, bring Tyler back to himself.  And so he lets go of Caroline’s jacket collar, shakes the supernatural rage out of his countenance, and stalks away sadly . . .

Useless Jenna Learns ONE of the 50 MILLION Secrets her friends and family have been hiding from her for at least TWO years  . . .

Last week, I suggested that Clueless Matt Donovan go and rent The Vampire Diaries, Season 1 and Season 2 (Now available for pre-order!) DVD’s to get him up to speed on EVERYTHING his so-called “friends” have been lying about to him, since the beginning of the series.  . .

This week, I’m going to take my suggestion one step further, and suggest that Matt and Useless Aunt Jenna watch the entire series TOGETHER in one long Blockbuster marathon weekend.  It would be fun for them, I think.  They could braid eachother’s hair, talk about girls, eat Chunky Monkey off Alaric’s naked body  . . . you know, the usual stuff.

Just think about how many LIVES this would save, and how fewer Super Villains would be invited into the Gilbert Home as a result! 

(Fortunately, though, Jenna has already invited in Elijah, because he’s . . . you know . . . AWESOME.)

So, anyway, Creepy Uncle / Father John is back in Mystic Falls.  And he’s lurking around the Gilbert Kitchen, like a rat on the tracks of a New York City subway station.

We can tell immediately that Bio Dad’s return has had a negative impact on our girl Elena, by the uncharacteristically high ponytail she sports throughout the episode . . .

Then again, perhaps, the new do was supposed to represent the return of Elena’s “inner child,” or something.  I don’t know . . .

Kat looks on with disapproval, as she helpfully suggests a more “fashionable” updo for her favorite fellow Petrova Doppelganger.

While Creepy Uncle / Father John is waxing poetic about how he “loves Elena” and is “here to protect her,” Useless Aunt Jenna stumbles down the steps, a bit sore after a night of Super Hot Screwing with Alaric.  And let’s just say, the sight of the Evil Brother-in-Law she once banged TOTALLY kills her Post-Sex buzz.  When Useless Aunt Jenna tries to kick John out of the house, he and Elena decide to drop a total bombshell on her.  John is Elena’s Bio Dad.  Who knew?  (Well . . . aside from . . . you know . . . EVERYBODY else in the WORLD.)

Speaking of HAIR-RAISING Situations . . .

The Salvatore Brothers Discuss the Logistics of Hero Hair, And Other Pressing Issues . . .

Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, the Salvatore Brothers are engaging in an important Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation.  So, guess who was the main subject of this conversation?  (By the way, if you didn’t answer “Elena,” I’d hereby like to extend to you an invitation to a TVD DVD Marathon Viewing Party, hosted by Clueless Matt and Useless Aunt Jenna.)

“You brought back, JOHN GILBERT?  THAT was your big Save Elena Move?”  Damon asks, incredulously.  (Yeah, Stefan!  I’m inclined to agree with Damon on this one.  Bringing back the Bio Dad earns you a C- tops in my Book of Hero Worship, Baby Salvatore.)

“He tried to BAKE ME TO A CRISP,” Damon reminds his brother, as if any further illumination as to the awfulness of Stefan’s idea is actually necessary.

NO ONE tries to BAKE my Future Boyfriend, and gets away with it!  And yes, I’m ALSO looking at you TOO, Bonnie Firestarter Bennett!  Don’t think I’ve forgotten, because I haven’t . . .

Yet, Stefan has always been a “Go with the Devil you KNOW” sort of guy.  As such, he trusts Creepy Uncle/ Father John and Mommy Dearest Isobel, over the Kickass Awesome Elijah (who, though NOT my Future Boyfriend, I would totally sleep with, especially after this week’s episode).   Stefan hopes that the Diabolical Duo will surprise him, by actually having the best interests of their daughter at heart.  He also figures, as Katherine suggested a few episodes back, that they could clue him into the complex conundrum that is Vampire Santa Klaus and his BIG SACRIFICE.

“As, if I didn’t have ENOUGH problems,” gripes Damon, referring of course, to his recent discovery of FEELINGS, which was brought on by the loss of Man-Stealer Rabies Head Rose.  “I’m changing Stefan.  I may just have to get a Hero Hairdo of my own, and steal your thunder.”

Hero Hairdo:  Check!

Thunder stolen: Double Check!

Papa Vamp Scolds Baby Vamp for Hanging out with a Bad Crowd . . .

“If you so much as LOOK at that Bad News Werewolf again, you are SO GROUNDED, Missy!”

You know, when we learned that the title of this episode was going to be “Daddy Issues,” we undoubtedly were reminded of the VERY MANY dysfunctional families on this show.  The Gilbert Family . . . The Lockwood Family . . . The Salvatore Family, all of them share one thing in common:  Bad Dads!  And yet, most of us, probably forgot about what is undoubtedly the most FUNCTIONAL family unit on this show, Papa Stefan and his Baby Vamp Caroline . . .

Yes, I KNOW, technically it was DAMON, and not Stefan, who’s blood gave Caroline eternal life.  And yet, Caroline has really been without a father figure, for much of the series.  By taking Caroline under his wing, supporting her emotionally, and teaching her how to live a relatively Law Abiding Vampire Lifestyle, Stefan is like the Great Dad Caroline never had . . .

So, it really shouldn’t have surprised any of us that THEIR relationship, was one of chief one’s explored this week.  After Damon leaves La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Caroline emergency texts Stefan, before arriving on his doorstep.  Though she tries to put on a brave face, she is clearly worried about the repercussions of her recent altercation with Tyler . . .

Stefan warns Caroline that Damon will probably KILL her Were-Beau, if he finds out Teen Wolf may have just switched over to TEAM Wolf.  “What if he retaliates?”  Stefan wonders out loud.

“You have to talk to him,” Caroline pleads, in a tone specifically reserved for daughters asking for BIG FAVORS from their fathers.  “You always know the right thing to say . . . He and I were . . . are . . . friends who just so happen to really like making out with one another, and pushing one another up against motor vehicles.

Speaking of Tyler . . .

Soul Crusher Jules tries her hand at playing Mommy . . . Dearest.

“Yes, Tyler, I AM fondling your knee inappropriately right now . . . But I’m only doing it because I want to have Hot Canine Sex with you want to show you just how much I care.”

Now, I know we all HATE Soul Crusher Jules for not killing Rose sooner the major damage she caused to the Budding Forwood Romance.  And yet, after this week, I’m starting to think that HER intentions (I, of course, am NOT speaking for the rest of her Dog Pack!) are not nearly as diabolical, as we once thought.  At first, I assumed that Jules was only interested in luring Tyler to the Dark Side, because she ultimately wanted to use him in The Sacrifice, just as Katherine did with Mason earlier this season.  I don’t think that’s the case, anymore.

Yeah, B*tch, you keep those hands in your lap, where they BELONG!  Just because I gave you a compliment, doesn’t mean I want you trying to hook up with Caroline’s MAN!

The typically frigid Jules is uncommonly warm and, dare I say, maternal, this week, as she invites Tyler to frolic with the rest of her wolf pack, and learn the ways of the Supernatural World.  “Your new life as a lycanthrope is just beginning.  Us werewolves have a Code of Loyalty.  It is my duty and honor to help you.  Please let me,” Jules offers.

Given that Tyler now feels completely alone in this world, as a result of his broken friendship with Caroline, you can imagine how enticing an offer like this might seem to a guy like him.  And yet, Tyler’s still very much a teenage boy!  We forget that sometimes, because the actor who plays him is 26 he looks like THIS . . .

But, this week, Tyler reminded us, by uttering these, OH SO ADORABLE next lines, “I can’t just run AWAY!  Mom would FREAK!”

(Awwww . . . Tyler, I love you!)

Elena Reintroduces her SOULMATE (Yeah, I said it!) to her Bio Dad

I now pronounce you Vamp and Wife.   You may kiss the bride . . .

Elsewhere, Damon and Elena are in agreement that Stefan’s idea to bring Uncle /Father John back to Mystic Falls was TOTALLY IDIOTIC!  But while, OLD DAMON would have simply beat the crap out of Bio Dad, which, admit it, would be SO fun to watch, NEW DAMON who undoubtedly sees Creepy Uncle / Father John as his future Father-in-Law is willing to engage him in a “civil” conversation.  “I’m the Good Guy, now,” Damon explains matter-of-factly . . . (Ummm . . . tell that to Dead Jessica, Damon!)

“I’m coming with you,” Elena replies, seeming a bit to eager to go frolicking with someone who is “just a friend,” I might add.  (Can you blame her?)

When Damon and Elena arrive at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, they run into the WHOLE REST OF THE EXTENDED GILBERT FAMILY.  Alaric, Useless Aunt Jenna, and Uncle / Father John are all in attendance.  All we need are Stefan and Jeremy, and this could be a Wedding Rehearsal Dinner!

“NO, DAMON!  We are NOT having the wedding here.  I don’t care if it IS the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls!  I’d rather go to Vegas . . .”

Useless Aunt Jenna takes this fine opportunity to introduce her “new bestie” Reporter Andie Starr to Damon, because Andie is apparently a Big Ole Ho (much like Jenna, herself), who’s really looking to get down and dirty with a Hot Vamp.

But, like we said, Damon is a “Good Guy” now, and “Good Guys” don’t bone other chicks at their future wife’s wedding rehearsal.  So, Damon rejects Andie’s ass . . . at least, initially, as Elena looks on, undoubtedly feeling smug as hell.

*sings*  “I still got him!  You can’t have him!  Nah-nah, nah-nah, nahhhh-nah!”

Damon then announces that he is “steering clear of all women.”  And at that moment, I hear the collective wails of every female on the entire planet.  (Fortunately, he only keeps that promise for about 20 more minutes.)

Damon then tries to muscle information about Klaus and The Sacrifice out of Uncle / Father John, by using a candle as a metaphor for the Creepo’s life, should he prove to be untrustworthy.

Unfortunately, John isn’t the sort of man to be intimidated by vampires who “know how to give blow jobs out candles.”  To the contrary, he is INTRIGUED by them.

“I need to know I can blow trust you.  Then we can talk,” responds John, before strutting away effeminately.

Speaking of the game of Suck and Blow, let’s head over to the Trailer Park, were Soul Crusher Jules has returned to reunite with some old Chew Toys friends . . .

Bad DOGS!

Meet Werewolf Brady.  He dresses like a farmer, and talks like a Comic Book Villain.  But, at least for now, we will let those things slide, because (1) he is hot (duh!); and (2) he’s making out with Soul Crusher Jules, which will likely prevent her from making a play for Tyler, at least until the Big Brawny Were-oaf kicks the bucket, which Villains like him often tend to do on this show, typically within about 3 episodes. . .

JULES: “What’s that I taste on your breath?  Have you been eating Girl Scout Cookies?”

BRADY:  “Not the cookies. . .  just the scouts.”

After they are done swapping dog breath, Jules and Brady talk about their MASTER PLAN.  Brady wants to avenge fellow dog, Mason’s untimely death.  Jules wants Tyler’s hot teen wolf ass for her pack collection.  So, they compromise, and decide to get both.  (Hear that?  That’s your Werewolf Code of Loyalty at work, people!  It’s a Doggone Dogmocracy!)

Meanwhile, back at the Lockwood Mansion. . .

Stefan and Tyler get Up Close and Personal . . .

It sure is convenient that Stefan was invited into the Lockwood House during the Season Premiere, to attend the Mayor’s funeral.  Otherwise, he would have NEVER been able to do THIS.  At first, Stefan, ever the pragmatist, tries to calmly discuss the ways in which a Supernatural World can be Super-Friendly TOO!  “We can really use a Scooby Doo in our Scooby Gang.  You interested?  Mini Gilbert’s getting mighty lonely, playing Scrappy, all by himself!  Vampires and Werewolves can live together in harmony,” Stefan, more or less, tells Tyler, in his own TVD version of Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” Speech.

But Tyler’s not really buying it.  So Stefan instead tries some Tough Love, by throwing Teen Wolf up against the wall.  (Actually, I’m pretty sure there’s something in the contracts of the actors on this show, that requires someone to be shoved up against a wall, at least once per episode.)  “Without a Full Moon, you are no match for me,” he growls at Tyler.  “And, while we’re at it, stop being such a dick to [Caroline]!”

Stefan’s harsh actions frightens Tyler, so much, that he ends up calling “Mommy” . . . and by “Mommy” I mean, of course, Soul Crusher Jules.  (BIG MISTAKE, TYLER!  HUGE!)

“Omigod!  You SHOT Caroline!  You, bastards!”

Before you can say “RUN CAROLINE!,” Jules and Brady have cornered their baby vamp, against her car . . . AGAIN.  (Note to Caroline:  Learn to use public transportation.)

See?  Much better!

And then, Brady . . . SHOOTS CAROLINE IN THE HEAD, WITH A WOODEN BULLET!

Source (for the awesome gif, of course, the MONKEY IS ALL MINE! 🙂

Fortunately, for Caroline, she’s made of Sugar and Spice and Vampire Awesome!  So, she can pop those bullets out of her body, like it’s Child’s Play.  Thank goodness, Caroline is such a True Blood / Vampire Eric Northman fan, otherwise, she never would have known about this unusual skill set of hers . . .

“Hey, Tyler!  Caroline needs you to suck something out of her neck . . .”

Unfortunately, though, getting shot still HURTS LIKE HELL!  And Caroline, who’s been thrown into a CAGE by Crazy Jail Warden Were-Oaf Brady, is getting shot at A LOT!

Of course, having watched the promos, most of us KNEW that this was going to happen to Caroline, eventually, this week.  And yet, that didn’t deaden the impact Brady’s torture of Caroline had on us fans AT ALL.  Kudos to Candice Accola, who’s hoarse cries of helplessness, screams of pain, and pleading, “Why are you doing this to me?”  literally brought tears to my eyes, every time the gun went off. 

Brady’s Hotness Points = Officially flushed down my toilet.  DIE DOGGY, DIE!

(That being said, this may sound awful but . . . was anybody else slightly relieved that, contrary to what the promos would have us believe, Tyler didn’t, at least consciously, have any part in this?)

When Stefan calls Caroline’s phone to see if she is OK, Jules picks up, and gives Stefan an earful of his surrogate sire’s anguished screams.  “You have twenty minutes,” she says.  “Bring Tyler or Caroline dies.”

It’s time to call your brother, Stefan!  Because it looks like YOU are going to need some serious reinforcements . . .

“Be the Better Man.”

As a TVD fan, and a recapper, I generally like to try to find the bright side in things.  And if there was a bright side to Caroline’s painful torture, at least STORYLINE wise, it was THIS scene between Damon and Elena.  When Damon receives the call from Stefan about what’s going down with Caroline and the weres, Damon’s got blood on the brain . . . Tyler’s blood. 

As is typical of her in such situations, Elena begs Damon to be “good,” and not kill Tyler.  And yet, Elena does something a bit different this time, to make herself seem more persuasive.  It’s something we haven’t really seen her do, since the Bad Moon Rising episode, where she manipulated Damon, who she HATED at the time, into giving her information about Katherine.  Elena seductively places her hand on Damon’s arm, and holds it there.   She then looks deep into his eyes, and says, “Too many people die here.  Be the better man.”

Source

The significance of this movement is not lost on Damon, who knows EXACTLY what his lady love is attempting.  And he is NOT happy with it . . . at all.  “You need to stop doing that . . . assuming that I’m going to be the Good Guy, just because it’s YOU, who’s asking.”

And yet, in a few moments, we will see that Damon does EXACTLY what Elena wants him to do, PRECISELY because it is her who did the asking.  They call marriage the  Old Ball and Chain for a REASON, Damon!  And you are TOTALLY whipped!

Sidenote:  I found this scene particularly interesting, because it called to mind a recent interview that Nina Dobrev gave to Wetpaint.com.  In it, Nina argued that, even though Damon made her FORGET his declaration of love for her, Elena definitely knows how Damon feels about her, “Of course, Elena doesn’t know, because Damon didn’t outright tell her… but she knows. You know when someone likes you or is in love with you,” she says.

In the Bad Moon Rising episode, Elena manipulated Damon’s desire to “be her friend” again, after the whole Jeremy Neck Snap Incident.  But this week, we saw the first signs of Elena’s awareness of Damon’s LOVE for her.  Though Elena may have always had a subconscious knowledge of the extent of Damon’s feelings, this is really the closest she has come to acknowledging them, indulging them, and using them to her advantage.  Is it mean?  Absolutely, does it bring a smile to this Delena Fan’s face, anyway?  YOU BET IT DOES!


Then Damon tells Uncle / Father John to babysit his own daughter (something, he’s probably NEVER done before, by the way), and heads off to Fight for Team Salvatore.

Vampires versus Werewolves versus . . . Warlocks?

Hey, look!  It’s the Three Hotmigos!

At the Were-House Salvatore Squared form a Salvatoreo Sandwich around Tyler their bargaining chip.  “Release Caroline, and you will get Tyler,” bargains Stefan.

“We are going to try his way, before my way,” snarks Damon.  “My way is a bit bloodier.”

Of course, our Scooby Gang is feeling pretty confident at this point that they can overtake Soul Crusher Jules, especially considering the apparent Lack of Full Moon Wolfiness surrounding her.  But then, Jules calls in for reinforcements . . .

And that puts an end to THAT idea.   The Salvatore’s drop Tyler like the hotcake he is!  So Baby Were heads inside the trailer to do what he should have done ALL ALONG — FREE CAROLINE!

Meanwhile, outside, the Weres and Vamps are at a bit of a Standoff.  “Which one of you killed, Mason?”  Were-oaf Brady asks.

“That would be, ME!”  Damon replies happily.

“Make sure that one suffers,” Brady responds maniacally.

And suffer he will, because these weres don’t mess around!  They’ve got fire power, and an arsenal of crazy weapons that would make Alaric Saltzman proud.   The Salvatore Brothers don’t have weapons or fire with them today . . . just a Can a of Whup Ass, and a Heaping Helping of AWESOME!

Source

Honestly, I wish there were more gifs and picspam of the Were/ Vamp fight, because it was downright FANTASTIC to watch.  And yet, when Caroline emerged from the trailer, and THIS happened to her . . .

 . . . I stopped paying attention to the fight, and started yelling at Tyler to get his butt over there and HELP OUT!  He didn’t . . .

But you know who did?  THIS GUY . . .

Who the HECK would have thought that the Jonas Brother from Another Mother would end up being a Savior of Salvatores?  And yet, save them he did, by giving all the werewolves in the place a massive dose of that BIG BAD HEADACHE thing we always see Bonnie using on all the vampires.  Within moments, all the weres are incapacitated (except Tyler).   Everyone left standing is looking at this guy in shock, as if to say, “Who the f*ck are you?”

“Elijah made a promise to Elena.  I’m here to see that it is upheld.  Go now,” says Jonas to Caroline, Stefan and Damon.

He then turns his attention to Tyler . . .

“When your friends awaken, give them a message.  They need to get the hell out of this town.”

OK . . . so remember when I told you I fell in LOVE with Elijah this week?  THIS is why!

Source

When Elijah promised Elena that none of her friends would get HURT, I assumed that promise would be strictly limited to them getting hurt by OTHER VAMPIRES  .  . . I didn’t think he would take it as far as to act as a 24-7 PERSONAL BODY GUARD to ALL of Elena’s friends.  Now that is just PURE AWESOME!  In fact, if Elijah actually APPEARED in this episode, I probably would have hugged my television screen (and probably got massive electric shock, as a result).

A Friend in Need . . .

Of all the characters on TVD this week, Caroline probably wins the WORST DAY EVER AWARD.  And yet, when Stefan comes to check on her, after the whole “Cage Ordeal,” she offers him a pained smile, and promises him that she is going to be just fine.

“I’m not your girly little Caroline anymore,” notes the Baby Vamp ruefully.  “I can handle myself.”

“You sure can,” replies Stefan, before leaving Caroline to pick the rest of the wood out of her ass.

Caroline offers the same brave face to Matt, when he calls to tell her that she forgot to meet up with him.  (Ummm . . . she’s been a bit busy, Dude!  If you watched those DVD’s like I told you to, you would KNOW that!)  Though Caroline claims that she can’t see her Ex-Beau, because she is “taking care of Bonnie,” Matt, who is working at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls at the time, knows that this is a bald-faced lie . . .

Source

Yeah . . . so apparently Jeremy and Bonnie are like “Boyfriend / Girlfriend” now.  Whatev . . .

Caroline may have been perky with Stefan, and sweetly dismissive with Matt, but she shows no such restraint with Tyler, when he shows up her door to apologize for  her whole “Being Locked up in a Cage, and Shot in the Head Multiple Times by my Crazy Dog Pound Friends” thing . . .

“I lied to protect my friends.  I lied to protect you.  I expected you to HELP, but you just STOOD THERE . . . It is too late, Tyler.  We are not friends, anymore.  What happened tonight will NEVER happen again.  Take THAT back to your Were Pack and get the hell out of my house!”

Now, I have to admit that, THOUGH HE TOTALLY DESERVED it for being a COMPLETE WUSS, during the Supernatural Battle Royale of 2011, when Caroline went off on Tyler like that, I got a bit teary.  And there was a big part of me that wanted to give Tyler a hug . . .

But that part of me got MAJORLY PISSED off all over again, when Tyler went running to his new Crazy Were-Losers, and  told them about THE MOONSTONE!

Seriously, Doofus?  Did Stefan’s “I Have a Were/Vamp Dream” Speech teach you ABSOLUTELY nothing?”

You are SO on my poopy list, now Tyler!

Speaking of my Poopy List . . .

Creepy Uncle / Father D-bag

Meanwhile, Creepy Uncle / Father John tried to “play nice” by giving Elena her adoptive mom’s bracelet . . .

 . . . and teaching Damon how to kill an Original Vampire using stakes and ash.  (IS THAT IT?  Honestly, I was hoping you would need something way cooler than that to kill someone as awesome as Elijah . . . Pennies from Heaven, perhaps?)

But then John screwed up EVERYTHING by joining Team Katherine, and promising to free her from her tomb . . .

Then again, THIS could be an excellent opportunity for us Kefan fans to get the REAL Katherine / Stefan sex scene we’ve all been dreaming of, for quite some time now . . .

KJewls Poopy List

Brady the Were-oaf

Soul Crusher Jules

Were-extras

Rose (even though she’s dead . . . YAY!)

Tyler (for “being a dick to Caroline,” and for spilling the beans about the “Moonstone”)

Creepy Uncle / Father John  (They better have sex, dude!  That’s all I’m going to say.  Or your ass is going right back on this list.)

Alls Well that Ends SEXY!

Back at Caroline’s house, Stefan has commandeered Elena and Bonnie, and transported them to the poor tired Baby Vamp’s place for some MUCH NEEDED Girl Time . . .

Even as a staunch Delena fan, I must admit that my heart softened a bit, when Elena turned to Stefan and mouthed, “I love you,” to him for having  truly been there for her Bestie, when she needed it most.  Undoubtedly,  while all this is happening, Elena is thinking about what a good DAD Stefan would be . .  . if he were ever actually capable of having kids .  . . which he’s not. 

Speaking of Delena . . .

I know that technically it’s “weird” of me to classify this scene, which features Damon naked and necking with that random reporter chick, as a Delena scene.  And yet, it’s not what Damon DOES in this scene that’s important (OK . . . who am I kidding? Damon being naked is ALWAYS important!) . . .

 . . . but rather, what he SAYS, during the scene (while naked) that’s so very satisfying to me, and, I suspect to other members’ of my Mother Ship . . .

“I need help, because I love a woman I WILL ABSOLUTELY EVENTUALLY HAVE can never have,” Damon tells his new Sex Toy, while gulping down glasses of wine, and lathering his hot bod with soap bubbles.  “I’m in love with her, and it’s driving me crazy.  I’m not in control . . .  I’m bad . . . I do things . . . I kill people,” Damon adds, before compelling Andie to be calm, in a super hot way, that involves her staring at his luscious lips, and intense eyes.

(OK . . . does this make you calm?  Because it makes me positively hornygiddy!)

” She wants me to be better, but I can’t be,” Damon concludes, his eyes welling up with tears for maybe the third or fourth time this season, which I LOVE!

Long story short . . . Damon still LOVES Elena, so much so, that he’s become one of those guys that talks about the girl he LOVES with the girl he SLEEPS with. 

Now, what I’m actually liking about Andie, and why she’s TOTALLY cool with me so far — in a way that Rose never was — is that she’s perfectly happy to just be the Booty Call.  So far, at least, Random Reporter Sex Toy sees no need to be in a “relationship” with Damon, or even really be his friend.  She’s just his “distraction,” and that’s FINE with her!

In fact, Andie acts like most of us probably would act, if we were lucky enough to be making out in a bathtub with Damon Salvatore  — just thrilled to be THERE! 🙂  Andie even gives Damon some pretty awesome advice, “Love does that . . . it changes people.  You can change.”  (You are right, Andie!  HE CAN CHANGE!  The question is, do we really want him to?)

In the end, Damon is tired of listening to Andie talk.  (So, are we! )  So, he tells her to just kiss him, and be his distraction.  And doggonit if it’s not the most romantic, “I plan to use you for sex, and you will like it” pickup line, I have ever heard in my entire life!

(Of course, I’m ad-libbing a bit  here, because it’s about 4 am, and this is the LONGEST RECAP I HAVE EVER WRITTEN!  But you can check out the full scene, in all its Nudy Glory here.)

And that was the amazing “Daddy Issues” episode, in a VERY LARGE, nutshell.  Thanks for reading, Fangbangers! 

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Watch out for those mood swings! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Descent”

Nice knowing ya, Rosie!  Well . . . actually . . . it wasn’t all that nice.   But to rank on the dead is just in poor taste.  Don’t ya think?

Welcome back, fellow Fangbangers!  How excited are you to have TVD back on your weekly TV viewing schedule?  Because I’m positively THRILLED!

Tonight’s mid-season premiere episode DEFINITELY did not disappoint!  The entire hour was JAM PACKED with massive makeout sessions (there were THREE!), major betrayals (Who’d have thought Jules would end up being a scarier super villain than Old Vampire Elijah?), suspense, oodles of sexual tension, and LOTS of dead bodies (I think this may have been the bloodiest episode in TVD history!). 

But perhaps, most importantly, this episode showcased the PHENOMENON that is Ian Somerhalder.  Damon Salvatore broke my heart, and RIPPED IT OUT, many times over, throughout this episode.  And his final scene positively stopped my heart.

Would someone PLEASE give this man an Emmy?  PLEASE!

So, what are we waiting for?  Let’s RIP into this recap.  Shall we?

(By the way, Katherine was no where to be found, anywhere in the episode.  Bonnie and Jeremy were missing too, for that matter.  Very strange . . .)

Worst Camping Trip EVER!

Question:  Which TVD character would you most want to go on a camping trip with?  Answer:  Not JULES! 

The episode begins with Jules waking up stark naked in the forest.  “Well THAT sounds like a FUN Camping Trip,” you say!  Ummm . . . yeah, but not when you wake up naked next to a HEAPING PILE OF GROSS DEAD BODIES AND DISMEMBERED LIMBS!

Realizing that her werewolf self must have REALLY gone off her diet last night (Campers are SO fattening!), Jules begins the process of torching the place, to destroy all evidence of her binge.  But when a park ranger arrives on the scene, Jules knows she has to think fast.  So she rushes into the bloody tent and starts fake crying about how “A Werewolf ate all my friends!  Boo HOO HOO  Wahhhh!”

Helpful Mr. Park Ranger decides to help “Poor Defenseless Jules” by “calling in the accident [to the local police].”  BAD MOVE!  Within a second, Jules has wacked Ranger Rick to death, with some nearby wood . . . and NOT in a good way.  See what I mean about this episode being a BLOODBATH?  We haven’t even SEEN the opening title card yet, and already there are approximately five dead bodies (4 campers, and one now-headless ranger).

(Something tells me there’s going to be some HEAVY competition for the Senseless Death Award tonight!)

Stefan rewards fans for surviving the hiatus, by taking off his shirt . . .

So, BEFORE the title card, we get LOTS of death and destruction, and within 30-seconds after it, we get a HALF-NAKED Salvatore!  You’ve gotta hand it to those TVD writers!  They sure know how to give us girls what we want!  Elena is greeted by Shirtless Stefan in his bedroom at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  And, because she cares deeply about us fans and our SUPREME case of Vampire Love Deprivation, she takes FULL advantage of the situation, by pulling him in for a sexy kiss.  (Wouldn’t you?)

Now, if this was DAMON, said kiss would be IMMEDIATELY followed by a raunchy sex scene of EPIC PROPORTIONS.  But this is the “Sensible Vampire Brother.”  And so Stefan decides he and Elena should “talk” instead.  “I’m going to totally ruin the mood, aren’t I?”  Stefan notes wisely, as he PUTS HIS SHIRT BACK ON.

Mood = Ruined

In typical Sensible Stefan fashion, he would like talk to Elena about her Bad Life Decisions.  Specifically, Stefan is concerned about the Bad Life Decision, that caused Elena to “get in bed” with Elijah (See what I did there?), in order to, presumably, save the rest of the Scooby Gang from suffering Death by Santa Klaus . . .

Elena wryly notes all the times STEFAN has put HIS life in danger, to save her.  Speaking of putting one’s life in danger, it appears that both Elena and Stefan have been taking daily shots of vervain together, which is not nearly as fun as “shots of tequila” . . .

The purpose of this exercise is two-fold.  First, they want to provide Elena protection from ALL the evil vampires that will inevitably try to kill her throughout the rest of the season. Second, they want Stefan to build up a vervain tolerance, a la Vampire Katherine.  Speaking of Vampire Katherine, Elena is postively THRILLED that her doppelganger is still locked away in that tomb.  However, she can’t, for the life of her, understand how Elijah was able to COMPEL her to stay there . . . her being . . . you know . . . a blood sucker and all.

Recalling his “conversation” with Vampire Katherine from the previous episode . . .

I wish my “conversations” went more like this . . .

 . . . Stefan notes that Elena’s Bad Mommy Isobel would be the best person to provide Stefan with the Cliff Notes version of the Original Vampires  for Dummies Handbook.

“Remember ME, b*tches?”

Elena HATES the idea of Stefan getting involved with her Mommy Dearest.  And yet, since she’s “in bed” with Elijah, she really doesn’t have the right to complain about who Stefan chooses to “hang out with,” now does she?

Tell Me Lies.  Tell Me Sweet Little Lies.

 

You know how, when you ask your boyfriend if “these pants make you look fat,” you’re really asking him to lie through his teeth, to make you feel better?  Well, apparently, the same goes for vampires Gnarly Grotesque Werewolf Bites.  When we first reunite with Damon, after a TOO LONG HIATUS . . .

Man, I LOVE this GIF!

 . . . he is playing Doctor Feel Good to an increasingly weepy Man Stealer Rose, who is waxing poetic about her LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG life.  Clearly feeling generous with his compliments, Damon compares Rose to a fine wine, which, if you think about it, is really just a nice way of saying you’re an Old Hag.  When Rose notes that perhaps her time has come to die (Oh, it HAS, honey!  It definitely has!), Damon chastizes her for being a Negative Nelly.  “If you are going to keep being maudlin, I’ll kill you myself, just to put ME out of your misery.”  (Foreshadowing much?)

Doctor Damon then prescribes Rose some tasty vampire blood.  (“Drink a cup of this, and call me in the morning.”)  Rose announces that she thinks the blood is helping her back wound.  But when Damon goes to investigate, it looks like TOTAL CRAP! 

“That is one SERIOUSLY UGLY back!”

And yet, having 140 plus years of practice at being the boyfriend of COUNTLESS girls (and then eating them, of course), Damon knows well enough that Rose wants him to lie through her teeth.  “It looks better!”  He fibs.  “And for the record, those pants don’t make you look fat AT ALL!”

Enter Elena . . . Damon wants HER to lie about Rose’s gnarly back too!

“Oh that sh*t is just GROSS!  That’s what you get for screwing with My Man, HO!”

Elena has come to ask Damon to talk Stefan OUT of contacting Isobel, because she thinks Elijah won’t like it.  Apparently, at some point, during the hiatus, Elena has become Elijah’s b*tch, in more ways than one.  But Damon AGREES with Stefan about getting help from Isobel.  (Hmmmm .  . . I wonder why!)

So, Damon’s not going to help Elena.  But he wants Elena to help HIM, by playing nursemaid to Brokeback Rose, while he heads out on the town.  “Elena is a do-gooder.  It’s in her nature.  She can’t resist,” remarks Damon.  (Awww!  He so luuuuuuuuves her!)

Before Damon can leave, however, Elena pulls him aside.  She wants him to talk about his FEELINGS because she luuuuuves him.  You see, Elena understands Damon, and knows that he’s affected by Rose’s upcoming demise.  Damon, however, isn’t quite ready to let Elena into his screwed up psyche again, not after what happened that LAST time . . .

“I luuuuve you.  It’s just too bad you can’t remember that.  Because we could have really great sex, if you did.”

“Death happens.  The sooner she dies, the better,” explains Damon.  (Awwww, Damon!  I agree.  But we all know you don’t really feel that way about your F*ck Buddy!  And the sooner you accept those feelings, the better!)

But Damon’s right.  All this death stuff is getting kind of maudlin.  It’s time for a change of scenery.  Don’t you think?

 It’s Barbecue Time!

Given that the first 10 minutes of the episode feature a series of dismembered bodies going up in flames, and a gross-out shot of Rose’s charred and bitten back, I’d say the fact that Mystic Falls’ Event of the Week is a Barbecue is a wee bit inappropriate.  Don’t you?

No matter though.  Everything is all rainbows and cute puppies, when Caroline runs into Tyler (who is looking positively adorable in his football uniform, by the way) for the first time since, well  . . . THIS . . .

Caroline, ever the cheerleader, is all peppy and friendly, as she congratulates Tyler on a a job well done, during Baby’s First Were Transformation.  “Last night was a victory. Let’s take it!”  Caroline exclaims.  “So, what do you say we have a little Victory Party in your bed?”

Tyler, though slightly “sore” from the previous night’s adventures (hint, hint, wink, wink) clearly feels a lot of gratitude toward Caroline for helping him through this difficult time, and tells her as much.  “I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been there,” he remarks.

Though their dialogue may seem benign enough, the whole scene is just CHARGED with delicious sexual tension.  Caroline keeps tilting her head to the side flirtatiously, blinking compulsively, grinning from ear to ear, and giggling like a school girl.  She also can’t stop staring at Tyler’s mouth. 

Can you blame her?

For his part, Tyler is looking at Caroline adoringly, his head cocked toward her, like she’s the most beautiful Baby Vamp in the world.  And he’s SMILING!  Tyler NEVER SMILES!  It’s enough to make me want to run through the television screen, rip off both of their clothes, and tell the two of them to JUST DO IT ALREADY!

So, it’s kind of depressing that Caroline has to ruin the mood, by telling Tyler that he sort of, kind of, almost killed her last night.  “It’s no big deal, really.  But . . . one bite, and it’s curtains for me,” Caroline notes nonchalantly.

Tyler wisely inquires as to how Caroline knew about the Legend of the Were Bite.  But Caroline demurs, asserting that she must have “read it somewhere.”  (Werewolf Bites for Dummies, perhaps?)  Unfortunately, before Tyler can piece together the extent of the sacrifice Caroline made for him, Matt arrives and cock blocks him .  . .

Caroline immediately starts babbling about how “there’s nothing between [her] and Tyler.”  And, you know what?   Me thinks thou protest WAYYYY too much!  But Matt doesn’t notice, of course.  Because Matt doesn’t really notice ANYTHING .  . . ever.

To prove this, he starts telling Caroline what a sublimely HONEST person she is, and how refreshing it is that she never keeps anything from him. 

Yeah, Caroline.  It was pretty hilarious, wasn’t it?

Matt then tells her, he’s not happy about the “way things are between them.”  (You mean because she’s in love with your best friend, Matt?)  To prove, just how NOT happy Matt is, he plants a long wet one on Caroline.  It was the third hottest kiss of the evening.  #2 went to Stefan and Elena, from earlier in the episode.  Number 1 is on it’s way . . . (How’s that for subtle foreshadowing? ;))

And how does Caroline respond to said kiss?  Well, she runs away, of course.  You see Matt? Werewolf Tyler tried to literally bite her head off in a dungeon, and she STAYED.  You made out with her for five seconds, and she LEFT.  That should probably tell you something. . . .

 Doing Damon’s Dirty Work (Sounds Kinky!)

So, Team Bad Ass is back!

Well . . . sort of.  I love how Alaric went from being Damon’s mortal enemy, to Damon’s ass-kicking buddy, to Damon’s b*tch in a matter of half a season.  We see Mr. Chunky Monkey himself . . .

 . . . lounging at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . . again.  (See, that’s one thing Damon and Alaric will always have in common, Alcoholism.)  Alaric’s mission, should he choose to accept it, is to call Damon, when Evil Werewolf Jules arrives back at the bar.  And arrive she has!  Stefan has also arrived at the bar.  And though he chastizes Alaric for getting Dirty with Damon doing Damon’s dirty work, he too has a favor to ask the Scooby Gang Errand boy.  Specifically, he wants Isobel’s digits.

The Awkward Moment when the boyfriend of your Slutty Vampire Ex’s kid asks for your Ex’s number, so the two of them can hook up.

Alaric honestly doesn’t seem all that keen on Stefan contacting Isobel.  But, being the good Errand Boy he is, he promises to text Stefan with Isobel’s updated contact information, once he is able to track it down.

Rose Goes Batsh*t Crazy – Take 1

Bed head and pasty face . . . NOT a good look for you, Rose.

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, things are getting hot and heavy between Nurse Elena and bed-ridden Rose.  For starters, they are hanging out in the Very Special Place where EVERY TVD viewer wants to be . . . DAMON’S BEDROOM!

Rose makes me like her a little more (a VERY little bit, mind you) when she forces Elena to admit that she’s massively turned on by being in Damon’s bedroom, and shocked that it’s not quite the Love Shack she expected it to be.  Elena was secretly hoping that Damon invested in silk sheets (MUCH better for screwing!).  No matter though, Elena.  I strongly suspect that Damon will BURN his bedsheets, now that Rose and her cooties have been in them.  His next pair will DEFINITELY be silk, for YOU.

Rose also forces Elena to see how lucky she is that two hot vampires LOVE her.  (Thank you Captain Obvious!)  She then chastizes her new Nurse for getting involved with Elijah, and risking her precious human life.  “You really are determined to die, aren’t you?  Rose inquires.  (Woah, Rosie’s on a roll!)

But then, suddenly Rose gets all loopy, and starts mumbling about the horses.  Next thing you know, she’s choking on blood, and spitting up.  So, Elena rushes to get her glass of water.  But when she returns, the Man Stealer is gone!

OK . .. I spoke too soon.  She’s not gone.  She’s just behind Elena, looking LIKE A CRAZED LUNATIC!

Rose pushes Elena up against a wall, and starts rambling on about how this is all HER fault.  Elena holds her ground, forcefully reminding Rose that she is ELENA, not Katherine.  Eventually, Rose snaps out of it, and starts blubbering about how sorry she is for trying to MURDER Elena, after having just told the poor girl not to risk her life.  “Don’t be scared of me!”  Rose insists, as she heads back to bed.  (Worst . . . advice . . . ever!)

Back at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

Salvatore Brothers Unite / Damon and Jules engage in a pissing contest

While he is waiting for his hot older brother Stefan gets a text from Alaric, including Isobel’s new number.  He rings her up, and leaves her a message.

“Yo Izzie!  It’s me, Stef!  Heeyyyyy!  We should totally meet up!  Drink some bunnies, talk about how we can control Elena’s life — it will be just like old times!”

When Damon arrives, all smouldering and angry, and sexy, Stefan tries to calm him down long enough to talk about his “feelings” regarding Rose’s probable demise.  (Am I the only one noticing a pattern here?)   “I’m FINE!”  Damon exclaims, which, by the way, is the Official Motto of the NOT Fine.

Stefan kindly reminds Pissy Damon that the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls is unusually crowded today.  (Doesn’t anybody work or go to school in this town?)  So, ripping Werewolf Jules’ spleen out of her throat here would probably be ill advised.  (But A LOT OF FUN!)  Damon then confronts Jules, and asks for a Werewolf Bite Cure, in exchange for her getting to keep her spleen.  It’s not much of a bargain really, and Jules tells him as much.

“Spleens aren’t essential organs, anyway.  So there!”

Jules tells Damon that the only way to “cure” Rapid Vampire Zombie Rose is to drive her stake through her heart, which we all pretty much already knew.  She then tells Damon to bite her, before stalking out like the Evil People Eater she is.

“You want me to bite you, Jules?  Well, that can be arranged . . .”

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .

Rose Goes Batshit Crazy – Take 2

Someone get this chick a bib . . . and a muzzle!

Elena has kindly brought Rose some fresh bed sheets.  (I bet they aren’t silk though!)  However, when she returns to Damon’s bedroom . . . SURPRISE . . . Rose is gone again!  (Honestly, I’m not sure why they didn’t chain that b*tch to the bed, the first time.)  Unfortunately, Elena doesn’t have Evil Zombie Vampire GPS, so she tries the next best thing.  She calls Damon. 

 “Get the f*&k home you, Bloodsucking Bastard!  Your Lunatic Screw Toy is TRYING TO KILL ME!”

Elena finds Rose stuffing her face with Damon’s and Stefan’s soccer mom blood stash.  When Elena confronts Rose, she GOES NUTS!  (Must be a Closet Eater!)  Looking bloody, gross and nauseating, Decrepit Zombie Rose chases Elena through the house.  And suddenly, this has gone from The Vampire Diaries to Dawn of the Dead 2: Electric Boogalo0.  When Elena opened her curtains and let the Sunscreen Ring-free Rose’s skin get burned by the sun, I CHEERED FOR JOY!  (She deserved it, dammit!)

But then, Elena DUG HER NAILS in Rose’s gross werewolf wound!  And, I must admit, I threw up in my mouth a little bit. 

Elena then wisely holes herself up in Damon’s study.  Dimwitted Rose never seemed like much of a reader.  So, Elena feels safe there.  Through the door, Rose starts apologizing to Elena, and telling her she “won’t try to kill her again.  She promises.”  (Yeah, Elena!  And if you believe that I have a Statue of Liberty I’d like to sell you for real cheap!)

Fear not, though.  Because Elena is smarter than I sometimes give her credit for.  And she doesn’t trust that Rapid Zombie Vamp for a second!

When Elena finally finds the courage to leave the study, armed with a stake, she runs into Damon.  “Where’s Rose?”  He inquires, clearly concerned.

“Why, she’s at the Mystic Falls barbecue, gnawing on a janitor, of course,” replies Elena. . .(or, at least, that’s what she WOULD reply, if she actually KNEW what Rose was doing).

Civil Service is a MIGHTY dangerous occupation in Mystic Falls.   Random Janitor guy, this award’s for you!

Matt Donovan, “You Can’t HANDLE the TRUTH!”

Also at the barbecue, is a decidedly less Bloody Matt, who wants to know why Caroline ran away from his tongue kisses, and what exactly she’s hiding from him. 

“Watch this, Matt!  Maybe it will help!”

A tearful Caroline tells Matt that she loves him, which, if you didn’t know she was a vampire, would probably seem like the biggest non-sequitur ever!  Fortunately, before Caroline is forced to explain herself, Matt gets distracted by a Shiny Cheerleader seeking Hamburgers.  So, Caroline takes that opportunity to escape.

“You Went on a Murderous Rampage.  It Happens!”

Damon and Elena find Rose, at the barbecue, eventually.  But not until AFTER she kills YET another unsuspecting Mystic Falls resident, by breaking in to the roof of her CAR!  Rose feels kind of guilty for all the eating she’s been doing (PIG!)  But Damon, ever the non-judgmental f*ck buddy, doesn’t seem to be bothered by it.  “You went on a murderous rampage.  It happens,” he assures her.

Back in bed, Rose starts monologuing about the joys of humanity, and how Elena, should appreciate her life, and blah, blah, blah . . . I just fell asleep typing that sentence . . .

Damon tells Elena to leave, and does a bit of Inception Mind F*king on Rose, placing her in a dreamy version of her home village, where she lived when she was human.  Rose has long crimped 80’s hair now, and a fugly floor-length blue dress.  It’s all very Little House on the Prairie.  Rose and Damon have a perfectly idyllic time together in dream land, racing through the fields, reminiscing about old times.  Meanwhile, in the REAL WORLD, Damon is cradling a sleeping Rose, with a stake poised at her chest.  And he is CRYING . . .

Damon hesitates a bit.  This is clearly hard for him.  But eventually, he stakes Rose.  It’s a mercy killing, really . . . She was in pain.  And she was PAINFUL to watch.  Now we have ALL been put out of our misery .  . . well, except for Damon.  And he’s miserable enough for all of us!

Damon drives Rose’s body out to Sheriff Forbes, who has been compelled to forget that he’s a vampire.  So, she thanks him profusely for keeping the town “safe” from vampires, and bids him adieu.  When he arrives back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena is waiting there for him.

Elena understands Damon in a way that nobody else does, not even Stefan.  And she knows he’s hurting.  Damon, however, is not willing to admit his pain to the woman he loves . . . yet.  “You want to hear that I cared about Rose.   I didn’t”

“I don’t believe that,” Elena presses.  “You feel something.”

“I feel it, and it SUCKS,” Damon admits.  “Especially, because it was supposed to be me.”

“You feel guilty,” Elena notes.  “You are so close [to humanity].  You can’t give up.”

At this point, Damon fires back at Elena, telling her what everybody else has been thinking, ever since she made that fateful deal with Elijah.  “All you’ve DONE is give up!”  (And then again . . . perhaps, Damon’s talking about Elena giving up on her romantic feelings for HIM!  Yeah, that’s probably just wishful thinking on my part.)

“Go home, Elena,” Damon repeats sadly.  “I’ve had enough doom, gloom, and personal growth for one night.”

“OK,” Elena relents. 

She then turns to leave, but not before turning toward him, and offering him a sweet and powerful embrace.  Their eyes lock for a moment, and volumes of thoughts and emotions are exchanged in a single glance.  For a moment, it looks like they might kiss.  But it wouldn’t be the right time, not now.  Instead, Damon puts his head on Elena’s shoulder and allows himself a few quiet sobs.  It’s touching, and beautiful.  And I only wish it lasted longer . . .

Speaking of scenes I wish lasted longer . . .

Hallelujah!  It’s a Forwood Ambush KISS!

Remember earlier, when I was ranking the episode’s steamiest kisses?  Here comes #1!

When Caroline arrives home from the Barbecue, Tyler is waiting for her on her porch.

“We need to talk,” Tyler opens. 

(Usually, those are words signifying BAD NEWS.  But that’s not so, here.)

“Why would you risk it?” Tyler asks, referring of course to the couple’s night of hot passion, and Tyler’s poisonous teeth.

Caroline downplays the extent of her sacrifice for Tyler, explaining simply, that he needed help, and she was there.  But Tyler is not so easily convinced.  He senses that Caroline has some romantic feelings for him, ones that mirror his own.  And, so he presses further.  “I don’t understand you, Caroline!”

Caroline can’t take it anymore.  Overwhelmed with emotion, she lashes out at the Baby Wolf.  “Why is it so hard for you to let people help you  .  . . to let someone care?   Well, I’m sorry Tyler, but I cared.  I care about you.”

And that’s all Tyler needs to hear.  He rushes to Caroline, and presses her up against the wall, holding her face, and kissing her passionately.  No longer able to control her emotions, she kisses him back with an intensity and fervor, she never knew was possible before. ( Intense Nights Spent in a Dungeon with a Hot Naked Boy can do that do a girl.)  And yet, I had to wonder, whether, if a Werewolf Bite could kill a vampire, what would a Werewolf Hickey do?

Caroline must be thinking about this too, which is why she pulls away from Tyler. 

Baby’s first Vampire-gasm

  “We can’t do that,” she exclaims.

Rather than argue with her, Tyler actually apologizes, which makes me love him even more. 

“Everybody needs to stop kissing me!” Caroline whines, as she rushes into the house. 

(Coincidentally, Caroline, if you ever get tired of all that pesky kissing, I’d be MORE than happy to take your place.  Just sayin’)

Evil Jules Does the UNTHINKABLE

His heart still filled with love, and his tongue still covered in sweet vampire saliva, Tyler heads toward the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls to meet up with Jules, who seems to have been there ALL FRIGGIN DAY.  (Just what Mystic Falls needs!  Another Alchy!)  Jules doesn’t waste any time, clawing her way into Tyler’s head.  Within a matter of about a minute, she’s dropped about five bombshells on the poor werewolf.  And here they are:

(1) She knows about him and Caroline, and their (True Natures)

(2) Uncle Mason is DEAD.

(3) Caroline may have played a role in his demise.

(4) Mystic Falls is crawling with vampires, and Caroline is in league with them.

(5) Mystic Falls will soon be crawling with werewolves like Jules and Tyler.

Poor Tyler!  It seems Damon isn’t the only TVD guy in serious need of a hug!

Speaking of unwanted guests invading Mystic Falls,  did I mention that Creepy Uncle / Father John is back in town?

Hmmmm . .  . I wonder if Elena’s less than proud papa is going to ask Jeremy for his Ring of Immortality back, now that  vampires will most likely be trying to kill him again . . .

Damon has an Emotional Breakthrough (and Breakdown)

A highly distraught, emotional, and . . . you guessed it . . . WASTED, Damon is lying around in the middle of an abandoned road, when an unlikely driver comes upon him.  Her name is Jessica, and she is definitely in for a ROUGH NIGHT!

Damon compels Jessica to stand still, but doesn’t compel her to be calm, which would have made things much more pleasant for her, I think.  He needs someone to talk to, and she’s there for him, whether she wants to be, or not.  He is lost . . . metaphorically, and existentially . .. and she . . . a human, and a female, represents the crux of his existential crisis. 

Elena’s words to him about him being “so close” to humanity are clearly on Damon’s mind, when he says, “All I’ve got is trouble . . . I’ve got a secret .  . . I can’t be what SHE wants me to be . . . This is who I am,” Damon cries.

 He is unhinged, and more emotional than we have EVER seen him before.  (It’s heartbreaking and fascinating to watch.  And if Ian Somerhalder doesn’t get an Emmy nomination for it, I will personally drive down to the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences and give them a piece of my mind.  Anybody with me?)

Jessica pleads with Damon for her life.  “Are you going to hurt me?”  She whispers.

“I’m not sure,” he replies truthfully.  “I’m NOT HUMAN . . . and I miss it . . . more than anything.  That’s my Big Secret,” admits Damon,  his voice choked by tears.

He then sets Jessica free, and the viewers breathe a sigh of relief.  But, in typical TVD fashion, just when we think we’ve got it all figured out, EVERYTHING CHANGES.  Moments after Damon let’s the girl go, he rushes her, and kills her.  His bloody face filled with pain and remorse, once he’s done. 

 (“You went on a murderous rampage.  It happens!”)

As we focus on Damon’s vamped out visage, the music playing in the background, creepily belts out the words “Who’s next?” as the screen fades to black. 

Next week’s presumably werewolf-centric episode, entitled “Daddy Issues,” promises some tough times between Hot Couple, Tyler and Caroline, as the Bany Werewolf begins to question the Baby Vamp’s loyalties and true intentions.  Oh, and Elena seems to be wearing an ABNORMALLY high PONYTAIL.  What’s up with that?

You can watch the EXTENDED preview for the episode, here:

So, what did you think folks?   Did you enjoy The Descent?  Were you as NOT sorry to see Rose go, as I was?  Do you want to KILL Jules for turning Tyler against Caroline, as much as I do?  The comment section is all yours, my fello Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under Live Blogging Event, The Descent, The Vampire Diaries

The Vampire Diaries has FINALLY returned! Let’s celebrate with a LIVEBLOG!

It’s been a loooooooooong time, since The Vampire Diaries last graced our television screens . . .

Not quite 145 years .  . . but it sure felt like that long!

We have waited patiently . . .

(Admittedly, some of us may have been more patient than others .  . .)

And FINALLY our patience (or lack thereof) has been rewarded.  Because the wait is over, Fangbangers!  As for those Sexy Salvatore Brothers, well . . . THEY’RE BAAAAAAACK!

As you ALL probably know, The Vampire Diaries’ “The Descent” premieres January 27th at 8 p.m. on the CW.  The question is, how do YOU plan to celebrate?

Will you DANCE?

Or, perhaps, have a few drinks?

Do you plan on getting laid that night?

Maybe, you will get to do a ALL OF THE ABOVE!  (You lucky DOG, you!) 

But whatever you decide to do, momentous occasions like this simply don’t happen every day!  And when they do come around, it’s important to share them with fellow fangirls (and boys) like yourselves!  For this reason, my Brilliant, Gorgeous, Hilarious, and All Around Amazing Blogging Pals, Amy of Imaginary Men, and Cherie over at My Spidey Sense is Tingling, and I have decided to LIVEBLOG THE MID-SEASON PREMIERE!

What’s a LiveBlog, you ask?  Well, it’s kind of like a chat room where you can talk (well, more accurately, “type”) about “The Descent” with other fabulous fangirls, like yourself, while the show is airing.  Or, if you’re shy, just read along.  And let US do the work for you!

  In addition to covering the play-by-play of the episode, and repeatedly cooing over the hotness of the show’s cast  (Comments like “OMG!  HE IS SO GORGEOUS!” are, of course, inevitable, in these types of forums, and TOTALLY welcome!), Amy, Cherie and I will also be regaling you with screenshots from the episode, hot photos of the cast, and fun live polls, in which can take part. 

TYLER: *reads*  “Who’s the hottest character on The Vampire Diaries?  I’m going to go with choice “C,” Tyler!”

CAROLINE:  “Hmmmm . . . what are the other choices?”

TYLER:  “Hey!  Don’t make me go all werewolf on you, again!”

Of course, if you miss the LiveBlog, and want to check it out after the episode airs, you can do that too!  Here’s an example of a LiveBlog we did back in September, for the show’s season premiere. 

“Haha!  Those girls TOTALLY thought I was dead, when Damon broke my neck, back in ‘The Return.’  Silly Fangbangers!”

(Oh, and just a quick note, because we had some confusion last year.  A LiveBlog is not the same thing as a LiveStream.  Unfortunately, the technology we have available to us from CoverItLive does not allow us to stream the episode to other viewers, over the internet.  It provides “chat” services only.  There are a number of other websites that will stream the episode for you, of course.  However, us fangirls don’t have the resources — or the necessary legal approval — to offer you that particular service.  Sorry, in advance!)

So, if you are up for celebrating The Vampire Diaries’ mid-season premiere with a bunch of crazy fangirl bloggers, who share a love of  both snarky commentary and shirtless vampires . . .

 . . . CLICK HERE at 8 p.m. on Thursday, January 27th! 

(You never know WHO you might meet! 😉 )

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under Live Blogging Event, The Vampire Diaries

Let’s Have Some Fun with The Vampire Diaries’ Promotional Posters!

Aside from being an amazing show, with stellar writing, and a talented, not to mention, sublimely sexy, cast, The Vampire Diaries is also known for its INGENIOUS marketing strategies.  Every few months, the CW marketing department releases a few new fabulous posters to promote the show.  These posters tend to feature one or more of the cast members in a sexually suggestive pose, adorned by both the TVD logo, and a titillating tagline, which hints a bit at what’s to come on the show. 

Here are a few of my favorite promotional posters, from The Vampire Diaries’ recent past . . .

In honor of the upcoming mid-season premiere of The Vampire Diaries, the CW has released three NEW posters, one featuring each of the show’s three main characters.  The first poster was released around the time that the show’s mid-season finale, “By the Light of the Moon” aired.  Elena was the focus of that poster. 

Its tagline,  “Death is a sacrifice Elena is not willing to make,” was a not-so-subtle reference to the dangerous deal Elena made with Elijah, in order to release Stefan from the Underground Tomb, where he and Katherine were heretofore trapped.  (It also probably referred to “The Sacrifice,” the title of Season 2’s tenth episode.)

The second new promotional poster was released in early January 2011.  I’m pleased to report, that it featured my FAVORITE character, Damon Salvatore, in a mesmerizing EXTREME CLOSEUP! 

As for its tagline, “Look out Damon, your emotions are showing,” it refers to Damon’s increasing inability to “turn off his emotions,” particularly when it comes to the people he loves (Stefan and Elena), and the friends, who have helped him along the way.  Could these not-so-hidden emotions impact his relationship with Elena, in the upcoming episodes?  Will Damon’s “forgotten” declaration of love to his brother’s girlfriend, be “remembered,” once again?  (MAN, I HOPE SO!)

The third installment of this new poster series, features Stefan Salvatore.  According to interviews with Paul Wesley, himself, his tagline,  “There’s a reason he always gets the girl,” refers to Stefan’s nefarious, almost Damon-like past, and the one woman in it who deemed him capable of redemption. 

This can only mean two things, TVD fans: (1) more flashbacks to 1864; and (2) DARK STEFAN RETURNS!

But why must Elena, Damon, and Stefan be the only cast members of The Vampire Diaries to get their own promotional posters?  What about the rest of the cast?  Honestly, I think this is a travesty of justice!  For this reason, I have decided to create MY OWN posters for some of the OTHER residents of Mystic Falls . . .

Here’s one for our favorite Baby Werewolf, Tyler Lockwood . . .

Not creative enough for you?  Perhaps, this one will be more to your liking . . .

But what about Tyler’s new Gal Friday, Caroline?  Surely SHE deserves a poster too!

In fact, I don’t think one poster is enough for Caroline Forbes.  After all, Vampire Barbie isn’t just a character, she’s a commodity to be “played with” by fangirls (and adoring boys) EVERYWHERE!

Having already covered, Tyler and Caroline, I would be remiss not to create a poster for the third point of that aforementioned Love Triangle.  Of course, I’m referring to the Cute but Clueless, Matt Donovan . . .

Speaking of Clueless, what about Aunt Jenna?  Doesn’t SHE deserve some poster love too?

While we are on the subject of Jenna, what about her dashing History Teacher Turned Vampire Slayer Boyfriend, Alaric Saltzman?  Surely, Damon’s bromantic buddy, and favorite weapons enthusiast is worthy of a poster all his own.  Isn’t he?

Hmmm . . . I think I’m missing a new couple here . . . Oh, I KNOW!  It’s Mini Gilbert and Bonnie the Teenage Witch!

But enough about all these Good Guys, I need some VILLAIN posters!   Let’s start with the biggest villain of them all . . . ROSE!  (Hey, she interferes with my Delena Mother Ship!  That makes her a BIG BAD VILLAIN, OK?)

But, you know, there are villains I ACTUALLY LIKE on this show.  And one of them is Kickass Vampire Katherine.  Granted, unlike the other cast members for whom I’ve created posters, Katherine HAS already been featured in promotions before.  (See the poster featuring her and Stefan, above).  Nevertheless, this Tomb-Dwelling Femme Fatale has never had her OWN poster . . . until now . . .

(It’s a Full House reference . . . just in case you missed it.)

Another villain we all love to hate, is the mysterious OLD VAMP, Elijah.  He’s smart, intense, wryly humorous, and scary as ALL HELL!  So, I for one, think it’s high time, he got inducted into our TVD Poster Hall of Fame . . .

Well, that about does it for the villains, we KNOW.  But what about the ones we haven’t met yet . . .  You all know who I’m talking about, right?  I’ll give you a hint, he’s a vampire who’s name rhymes with “mouse.” 😉

So, there you have it.  Now ALL of the main cast members of The Vampire Diaries have their own promotional posters, just in time for mid-season premiere . . .

Well . . . almost everyone . . . 

Speaking of “The Descent,” I am proud to report that my blogging pals, Amy from Imaginary Men and Cherie from My Spidey Sense is Tingling, will be LIVE BLOGGING the entire episode!  Be sure to check back here, later this week (probably this Tuesday or Wednesday) to find out how YOU can join in with the fangirly festivities. 

See you then, my fellow FANGBANGERS!

[www.juliekushner.com]

10 Comments

Filed under Promotional Posters, The Vampire Diaries

The Vampire Diaries Episode 2.12 “The Descent” – Let’s Spoil and Speculate!

Well, hey there, Damon!  Long time, no see!  No really . . . it’s been too long . . . WAY . . . TOO . . . LONG!

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.  I hope that’s true.  Because, with The Vampire Diaries on hiatus for another two weeks, that’s all us fang-banging fangirls have got to tide us over until Thursday, January 27th, at 8 p.m . . . some pictures (along with an awesome extended promo and some pretty juicy spoilers, of course).

“Oh Rose, darling!  You must tell me where you get your makeup.  That shade of lipstick you are wearing is simply TO DIE FOR!”

By now, many of you have probably already seen the photo stills that CWTV.com released for its midseason premiere episode of The Vampire Diaries entitled “The Descent.”  Now, normally, when the CW releases these photos, I tend to flip through them relatively quickly, and then save them to my laptop (in an electronic folder entitled “Delena,” no less — my personal biases are a secret to NO ONE, least of all my personal computer), so that I can use them later in my recaps.  This time, however, I thought I’d do something a bit more fun with these photo stills than simply file them away . . .

If anyone understands the allure of a good photograph, it’s Vampire Katherine.

Here’s how our little game is going to work.  I’m going to post each of the photo stills CW released to promote “The Descent.”  Then, I’m going to speculate a bit about what each photo might mean to the episode, including relevant episode spoilers, to the extent that I have them. 

 

Fear not, Spoilerphobes!  I’ll always try to give you fair warning, before I start “spilling the beans” . . . or, perhaps I should say, “the fangs” on a particular episode plot point.  Though, in all honesty, if you ARE a Serious Spoilerphobe, and you noticed the title of this post, before starting to read it, in the words of Damon Salvatore . . .

I mean no offense, of course . . . I’m just trying to avoid having my head bitten off, later. 🙂

You understand . . . right?

Now, that we’ve gotten that part out of the way, this is the fun part.  After each picture, I’m going to include a poll that allows YOU to speculate about what YOU think will happen in the upcoming episode.  (Further, more detailed, speculation on your part in the comment section is encouraged, and much appreciated, of course.)  Then, when the episode actually airs, we can look back fondly on our speculations.  And depending on how we did, we can either boast about our obvious psychic abilities . . .

 . . . or hang our heads in embarrassment and shame, for how incredibly off our predictions actually ended up being . . .

So, strap on your vampirically-compelled thinking cap, and let the GAMES BEGIN!

I am actually going to group these first three pictures together, since they all seem to be related (and likely come from the same scene) .  . .

The stylish new gal with the bangs, and the skinny jeans, and the heels that seem way too dressy to be worn late at night on a deserted street in Mystic Falls is Ahna O’Reilly.  (At least, that’s her real name, her character’s name is Jessica.)  If you recognize Ahna, it’s probably for one of two reasons: (1) you saw her in the film Forgetting Sarah Marshall; (2) you read one of the MANY articles, in which she told anybody and everybody who would listen, that her boyfriend, James Franco, is most certainly NOT GAY!  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

Though some articles seemed to suggest that these two were “getting cuddly” in the above pictures, I think the fact that Damon’s compelling Jessica in this picture seems pretty obvious, based on the way he’s holding her shoulders . . .

Connor from “Brave New World” would likely agree with my analysis . . . if he was still ALIVE. 

. . . the intense Svengali-esque expression on Damon’s face . . .

 . . . and the vacant obedient expression that Jessica seems to be wearing . . .

Now, that’s what I saw, when I looked at these pictures, here’s what I know.  WARNING!  MAJOR SPOILERS TO FOLLOW.  (Avert your eyes, and scroll down to the words END SPOILER, if you don’t want to know.)

WetPaint.com had these VERY SPOILERY things to say about the Jessica character, and what may very well be her ENTIRE story arc!

Jessica: 22 year old girl. Driving along road when she almost hits a guy laying in the road. She runs out to make sure he’s okay, she’s scared and can’t see his face. After guy pulls a bottle out, she comes to the conclusion that he’s drunk. She gets smart and starts to return to her car. Guy vamps out and compels her not to move. He then starts talking outloud to himself, wondering if he should kill her or not. She pleads with him not to. He says, “I have to”, and rips into her throat.

By “Guy”, I’m pretty sure they mean “Damon.”  After all, Damon learned to hunt from Katherine.  And, if you recall, this was precisely the way Vampire Katherine obtained her “meals,” back in 1864.  The difference here, of course, is that unlike 1864-era Katherine, Damon doesn’t NEED to kill in order to drink blood.  In fact, he’s got a freezer full of conveniently packaged, Blood Juice Boxes, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .

You also might have noticed, that since he’s gone all lovey dovey about Elena, Damon’s been laying off the thrill-killing human sauce quite a bit these days.  The above-synopsis suggests as much, when it notes that Damon is actually debating with a compelled Jessica (and his conscience) about whether he should kill her (much like Stefan did with HIS compelled Potential Female Meal in “Miss Mystic Falls.”)

So, why Jessica?  And why now?  My guess is that Damon’s dilemma has a lot to do with Rose and the Werewolf Rabid Zombie disease  that Jules inflicted on her last week, by biting her, while in werewolf form.  I’m thinking mere Blood Bags aren’t enough to salvage the sick Rose’s thirst.  So, a very guilt-ridden Damon (After all, Jules only bit Rose to get back at HIM, for what she’s pretty sure he did to HER friend, Mason), has likely been forced to head out, and do a little human “grocery shopping.”

But, here’s my question for YOU:

And here’s one more:

END SPOILER

On to the next set of stills . . .

Poor Damon!  It seems like every few weeks he gets a new recurring character enemy, who’s out to make his life a living hell.  (No pun intended.)  Not that the guy doesn’t bring it on himself sometimes, but, you’ve got to admit, it happens pretty darn often.  In the pre-hiatus episode, “By the Light of the Moon,” Michaela McManus’ Jules proved herself to be the next member of the TVD Villain of the Month Club.

First, she stalked into town, asking the WRONG types of questions about a certain missing Lone Wolf Lockwood . . .

Meet October’s Now-Dead Villain of the Month!

Then, she had the audacity to OPENLY threaten TEAM BADASS, in the Only Bar / Social Establishment of Mystic Falls of ALL PLACES!

FOR SHAME!

Then, she gave Damon’s new f&*k buddy, Rose, Were-Rabies!  (See “Ugly Rose” picture up top, as evidence.)  If the episode synopsis for “The Descent,” and the rumors surrounding the episode, are any indication, the showdown between Damon and Jules will get MIGHTY heated, in the upcoming episode . . .

Of the three pictures of Jules in the forest shown above, the first one seems to be the most telling, at least in terms of plot points to come.  Jules is seen setting fire to SOMETHING (a body?  evidence? something of particular value to Damon?)  Behind her in the picture, is what appears to be a crudely-designed cross, fashioned out of some tree bark, a wooden stake, and what appears to be a ripped t-shirt.  Perhaps, Jules built the cross, because she belived it would provide her with some kind of protection against the town vampires.  It also might have been used in some weird werewolf fire ritual.

Whatever it is, Jules is doing, she doesn’t look particularly happy to be doing it.  In the first picture (the only one featuring the fire) she appears solemn.  In the second (in which she is simply standing, and looking into the distance, she looks serious, and determined.  The third picture is interesting, in terms of Jules’ expression.  On first glance, she seems frightened, as if she is being pursued by a deadly predator (Damon?).  But when I looked at the picture again, I saw something else . . . grief, and sadness.  Perhaps, Jules has just learned for certain that Mason is dead, and is mourning the loss of her dear friend . . .

That’s what I saw in those pictures.  Now, it’s YOUR turn . . .

Here we have a very sick-looking, and extremely depressed Rose, seated on a leather Ottoman in the library of La Casa de Rich and Awesome, presumably right in front of the fire.  (Jules did mention in the promo that “chills” was one of the first signs of Were Rabies).  She’s got a near-empty highball glass of blood in her hand, but it doesn’t seem to be offering her any solace or comfort.  Standing above Rose, is a very concerned looking Damon, holding a Bag-of-Blood.

I’m thinking that this scene takes place earlier in “The Descent.”  After all, Rose definitely looks ill, but she doesn’t yet resemble the Bat Sh&t Crazy Zombie Vampire we saw stalking Elena toward the end of the promo for this episode.  We know from the past few episodes, that Damon has developed a sexual relationship with Rose, but also a friendship.  He likes her, and feels incredibly guilty for being the indirect cause of her pain, and quite possibly, the end of her VERY long life.

The promo poster for this season that teased Damon about his “emotions showing,” seems highly applicable to this scene.  After all, the Damon we knew, back in early Season 1, cared more or less only for himself, and the two women he loved (Katherine and Elena).  Now we see Damon caring deeply about a friend.  This is new territory for him.  Slight spoilers have teased that Elena and Rose will have a discussion this week, that will bring to the forefront Elena’s true feelings for BOTH Stefan and Damon (YIPPEE!). 

Rose already knows how Damon feels about Elena.  However, it is highly likely that Rose and Damon will discuss their feelings for one another, and ELENA’S feelings for Damon together, during this episode.  A wise commenter once suggested to me that the only cure for a Werewolf Bite should end up being the Blood of a Petrova Doppelganger.  I love the idea!  There’s a certain poetic justice to it.   And it would definitely be a catalyst for all these “feelings” discussions, the castmates are supposed to have during this episode.

And yet, such a solution to Rose’s Werewolf Bite would suggest that Rose could survive this episode.  And based on another released photo still that I will post below, I’m not quite sure she will . . .

Here come those polls again . . .

Ahhh . . . There’s nothing like a heated argument to get the collective Delena blood boiling, and their passions for one another, overflowing, ready to erupt, at a moment’s notice!  These two LOVE to fight with one another, and always seem to have something NEW to fight about.  In this particular case, I’m thinking this fight between Damon and Elena, is over one of four things:

(1) The deal Elena made with Elijah last week, in which Elijah agreed to free Stefan, and keep all of her friends safe, in exchange for her letting him use her as bait, to draw out Evil Vampire Klaus, and eventually KILL HIM . . .

Something tells me Damon will NOT be happy about THIS at all!  We all remember how he reacted the LAST time Elena voluntarily went on a “Suicide Mission” to protect the Salvatore Brothers, and her friends in Mystic Falls . . .

(2) Damon’s handling of the vengeful Jules.  (Something tells me Damon is going to want to go BALLS TO THE WALL against Jules for what she did to Rose.  And Elena — worrying about DAMON getting bitten too — won’t think that’s a wise idea at all.)

(3) Seeing that a very sick Rose has become a threat to Elena, Damon might suggest killing his former f*&k buddy, before she can cause any more harm than she already has.  The Lately Suicidal Martyr Elena would certainly not approve of this plan . . .

(4) Rose snitches to Damon about Elena’s feelings for him.  Or better yet, Damon confesses to Rose about how he told Elena he loved her, and compelled her to forget about it.  Then, the dying Rose decides to let Elena know the truth.  (Maybe BOTH happen!)  Forced to confront their mutual feelings for one another, Damon and Elena engage in a heated and passionate argument about love, truth, and honesty.

I would LOVE for the fight pictured to be about #4.  But, unfortunately, I suspect the writers feel it is too early in the season for that to happen.  So, my vote’s with #1.  Damon is scolding Elena about the deal she recently made with the not-particularly-trustworthy Elijah . . . 

And you?

Of course, us Delena fans have been jumping for JOY over this picture!  While the earlier “fight” pictures seem to take place inside Damon’s La Casa de Awesome, earlier on in the episode, this picture seems to have been taken at night, during the episode’s final moments (though Damon and Elena are wearing the same clothing in both).

This looks like the same woods were Jules had her bonfire.  Only, that scene was shot during the day.  This is clearly a night time shot.  But look at the light in the background.  That might be another bonfire!  Or is it the same one?  If so, how has the whole forest not gone up in flames by now?  What keeps these fires so contained?

Wait . . . what am I talking about . . . you guys don’t care about the fire!  You care about the HUGGING!  You care about Elena’s sympathetic eyes, and the way she’s consoling a seemingly heartbroken Damon.  You may even be remembering a nearly IDENTICAL scene from last season (which also took place in the woods at night), during which Elena comforted a very emotional Damon with a sweet hug, after he learned that Katherine wasn’t in the tomb.

But WHY is Damon so emotional THIS TIME?  What happens in this episode, to make him react this way?  And why is Elena so quick to hug him, after she just spent quite a bit of time fighting vigorously against him in the previous set of photo stills.  The most obvious answer would be that Rose has died.  Damon, of course, feels responsible, and regrets not being able to save her.  Elena is, once again, touched by his humanity, sees how much he has grown to care for Rose, and wishes to take some of his pain away.

Of course, I could be wrong . . .

Why does everybody always think that pictures have to MEAN something?  Can’t we sometimes just appreciate art for art’s sake?  (OR hot for hot’s sake?)  Above are two stills of Damon from “The Descent.”  In the first, he is in “La Casa de Rich and Awesome.”  It looks like Elena has just arrived.  (If you look at the right hand corner of the picture, you can see the shirt she is wearing in the other stills.)

On the surface, it’s a picture that doesn’t provide you with much information.  But look again.  Look at the expression on Damon’s face, as he sees Elena, for, possibly, the first time in this episode.  The last time they were together, Stefan was locked in a tomb, and Elena was under . . . “house arrest.”

So, Damon might be a bit surprised to see Elena.  You can see an element of that in his face.  He also might be a smidge annoyed, that she undid his plan to keep her safe so easily.  I see a little of that as well.  He also looks a tad impressed, for the same reason.  But mostly, I see love.  Damon’s eyes are dilated.  His lips are pursed.  This is the look of a man who has just laid eyes on the woman he loves unconditionally. This is the picture of tummy butterflies . . .

The second picture is more intense.  It is taken at night, in the forest, possibly just a few moments before that epic embrace Damon and Elena are about to share.   He looks haunted . . . or hunted.  Perhaps, a little bit of both.  That second picture show’s a man  . . . well, a vampire . . . ready for action.  Damon’s adrenaline is pumping.  It’s fight or flight time, and he’s both the predator and the prey.  Your move, Damon Salvatore . . .

So, now we’ve discussed ALL of the photos CWTV released to promote “The Descent.”  But what about the photos that weren’t there.  For starters, having watched the previews, we KNOW that a major portion of the episode will deal with the budding Matt-Caroline-Tyler love triangle, which will culminate in not one but TWO swoon-worthy Ambush Kisses . . .

Now let’s break this down . . .

Here’s Matt . . .

 . . . and here’s Tyler . . .

Now, I’ve made no bones about where I stand on this issue . . . I’m Team Taroline (Forwood / Cyler) all the way . . .  But this post isn’t about me, it’s about YOU . . .

Also rumored to be in this episode:  some Stelena sex . . .

Just to recap, we’ve got TWO kisses for Caroline, and sex and a SEXY hug for Elena.  It looks like our Mystic Falls girls are going to be VERY busy during the Season premiere . . .

Don’t worry, Bonnie!  You’ll get your turn soon too!

Well, there you have it folks.  A smorgasboard of spoilers and speculation to whet your whistle, while you wait for TVD to return to your television screen.  But there’s GOT to be some spoilers out there that I missed, or ideas I failed to consider.  So, I hand the baton over to you, fellow fangirls.  Speculate away!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under Photo Still Speculation, Spoilers and Sneak Peeks, The Descent, The Vampire Diaries

TV Couples Showdown: Veronica and Logan (of Veronica Mars) versus Caroline and Tyler (of The Vampire Diaries)

Last week, I thoroughly entertained myself, by conducting a fairly in-depth comparison two of my favorite television couples, Pacey and Joey of Dawson’s Creek, and Damon and Elena of The Vampire Diaries.  In fact, I was SO entertained, that I thought it might be fun to try again, with two other television couples I have to come to adore, namely, veteran couple, Logan Echolls and Veronica Mars of Veronica Mars, and newbie couple, Tyler Lockwood and Caroline Forbes of The Vampire Diaries. 

As you can see, Caroline is a HUGE LoVe fan!  So, she is very excited about this.

(Special thanks for this post go out to the veronicamars tumblr, for many of the fabulous GIFs and screencaps you see here; and to my brilliant blogger pal Cherie, for her inspiration, and for allowing me to pick her brain on many occasions, regarding what makes both of these couples tick.  Oh . . . and you know the drill on the YouTube videos.  Most of them aren’t embedded. So, just click on the internal links and ENJOY!)

Tyler Lockwood and Logan Echolls —  Poor Little Rich Sheep in Wolves’ Clothing

Regarding Logan Echolls, in the pilot episode of Veronica Mars, Veronica can be quoted as saying, “Every school has an obligatory psychotic jackass.  And he’s ours.”

Given that Logan bashed in the headlights on Veronica’s car with a crowbar, shortly thereafter, we certainly can’t blame her for making such a harsh comment toward her future soulmate.

One might argue that, had we asked Caroline who the “obligatory psychotic jackass” in her school was, at least during the pilot episode of The Vampire Diaries, she probably would have said, “Tyler Lockwood.”

And though Tyler didn’t bash in the headlights on anybody’s car, he DID bully young Jeremy Gilbert, and date rape Vicki Donovan . . .

Perhaps, Logan and Tyler are such major asshats when we first meet them, because of their startlingly similar upbringings. 

Both teens are extraordinarily wealthy.  Logan’s father is a famous, award-winning, actor.  Tyler’s father is the Mayor of Mystic Falls.  Both dads are TOTAL jackasses, who emotionally abuse their sons, and beat the crap out of them, on a regular basis.

At school, Tyler and Logan would both be considered “popular,” though whether said popularity is attributed to their “pleasing personalities,” or their wealth and, tendency to beat up others who disagree with them, is arguable.  Nonetheless, at the start of their respective series’, both Tyler and Logan have hot girlfriends, with matching reputations for “putting out.”

Tyler’s girlfriend was Vicki Donovan.  She was eventually murdered by Damon Salvatore.  Then turned into a vampire. 

Vampire Vicki was then murdered again by Stefan Salvatore (but he only did it in self-defense).  To make a long story short: Vicki’s DEAD!

Logan dated Lilly Kane. 

Lilly screwed Logan’s dad (Ewww!) . . . and videotaped it.  So, Logan’s dad killed her. 

Unlike Vicki, Lilly only died once . . .  (though bloody incarnations of her appeared throughout the series; so, it felt like she died multiple times).

Following the deaths of their first loves (slutty though they may have been), both Tyler and Logan experience a run of bad luck.  And each blow they receive causes them to feel even more vulnerable and alone.  Tyler’s father dies in what he believes was a freak fire (he was actually murdered by some Angry Tomb Vampires) . . .

Logan’s mom commits suicide, by jumping off a bridge . . .

Logan learns his dad killed his girlfriend.  And, to add insult to injury, he just so happened to be porking her at the time.  Tyler learns his dad was a WEREWOLF!  And, to add insult to injury, because Tyler killed someone accidentally, he’s going to become a WEREWOLF TOO!

As you can probably tell. by now, these are some SERIOUSLY DAMAGED DUDES!  And it’s going to take a pair of really special ladies to fix their wagons up right! 😉

Caroline Forbes and Veronica Mars:  Spunky Blondes with Major Ass-Kicking Capabilities

In addition to being blonde and petite, Veronica and Caroline possess many similarities to one another.  For starters, they were each the daughter of a Town Sheriff.

As for Caroline’s and Veronica’s other parents (Caroline’s dad and Veronica’s mom, respectively), they were more or less, absentee.  Caroline’s dad left Caroline’s Sheriff Mom for another man.  (Yep!  That’s gotta hurt!)  Veronica’s mom left Veronica’s Sheriff Dad because she was an alcoholic depressive, who was unable to cope with family trauma.

When their series’ began, both Caroline and Veronica were dating sweet, but kind of bland boys, who just so happened to be best friends with their respective eventual soulmates.  Caroline dated Matt Donovan (brother of Dead Vicki) . . .

Matt and Tyler were best friends.

Veronica dated Duncan Kane (brother of Dead Lilly) . . .

Duncan and Logan were best friends.

Before the series began, both Veronica and Caroline were rather naive and innocent, and had little to worry about, aside from what they were going to wear to prom . . .

 . . . or whether they would win the local beauty pageant . . .

But then, things happened in both of their lives, that forced them to reevaluate their priorities.  Veronica’s best friend died.  And as a result of the murder investigation that followed, her father was shunned by the community, and lost his job as sheriff.  She was then dumped by her boyfriend, and all of her rich friends, and date raped at a party.

As for Caroline . . . well . . . she was in a near-fatal car accident, then killed by a girl who looked JUST like her best friend.  And then . . . she became a vampire.

The teens’ respective experiences forced them to grow up fast.  It made them wiser, tougher, and a bit more jaded about the world around them.  But it also caused them to become fiercely protective of the ones they love.  In other words, Caroline’s and Veronica’s trials and tribulations prepared them for the intensely dramatic (and sometimes traumatic) romantic relationships into which they were about to enter . . .

Love Begins . . .

Tyler and Logan came to Caroline and Veronica, when both were at extremely vulnerable places in their lives.  Logan refused to believe that his mother had committed suicide, and, knowing that Veronica had a knack for private investigation, begged her to help him learn the truth about what really happened to her.

Tyler came to Caroline, upon learning that he was a werewolf, because she seemed to know more about his condition than he did himself.  Since Caroline was a Baby Vamp (a fact she later reveals to Tyler) she has some idea what he’s going through, and promises to help him cope with his first Full Moon Transformation . . .

Both Caroline and Veronica are there to support Tyler and Logan, when their respective research projects result in them learning some SERIOUSLY BAD NEWS.  Logan is forced to come to terms with the fact that his mother has, in fact, committed suicide, and is not merely hiding from her husband, as Logan originally suspected . . .

(Hey, did you catch how Big Sis Trina called Logan’s dad, The Big Bad Wolf?  Now if that’s not a Tyler parallel, I don’t know what is!)

For their part, Tyler’s and Caroline’s research turns up a DVD of a VERY PAINFUL werewolf transformation, as experienced by Tyler’s cousin Mason.  Tyler realizes to his horror that the awful experience he just witnessed on his computer screen is inevitable for him . . .

On the day of the transformation, Caroline accompanies Tyler to an underground dungeon, and supports him through the whole horrifying ordeal, hugging him, and whispering to him calmly, as he writhes in pain. 

 

Caroline does this, despite the fact that, with every extra second she remains in that dungeon, the amount of danger she is in increases tenfold  . . .

When it is all over, Caroline’s is the first name Tyler calls . . .

After going through such intense experiences together, it is inevitable that these two pairs will couple.  And so, both women are eventually rewarded for supporting their Vulnerable Bad Boys, with Ambush Kisses .  . .

“Our First Kiss Won’t Be The Last”

When a good girl rescues a bad boy, it is only natural that he rescue her right back.  In Veronica’s case, Logan beats the crap out of an undercover FBI agent who’s sort of / kind of kidnapped her . . .

The incident culminates in Veronica’s and Logan’s first kiss.  She kisses him chastely at first to show her gratitude for the rescue attempt.  Logan’s return kiss is MUCH more aggressive (and WAY hotter)!

 As for Tyler saving Caroline, and kissing her . . . well . . . neither event has actually occurred on the show as of the date of this blog entry.  HOWEVER, during the preview for The Vampire Diaries’ January 27th episode, entitled “The Descent” we DID see Tyler promising Caroline that he would do ANYTHING for her.

(Brought to you by the F-Yeah Tyler Lockwood Tumblr!) 

Later in the same episode (at least, according to that AWESOME promo), Tyler follows through with his promise, by giving Caroline EXACTLY what she needs .  . . a big juicy AMBUSH KISS!

Yes, boys and girls.  When it comes to Tyler and Caroline, things are DEFINITELY headed in the direction of love . . . or should I say LoVe!

Other Similarities

Aside from having similar beginnings, the parallels between Logan’s and Veronica’s relationship and Tyler’s and Caroline’s are simply not to be ignored!  Check out the couples’ mutual love for “playing dress-up” . . .

 . . . and um . . .  undress . . .down?

As for Caroline and Veronica, both are VERY feisty!  And neither is afraid to kick her boyfriend’s ass, when he deserves it . . .

(from TVD gifs)

And I guess . . . on occasion, they also kick the asses of people who aren’t their boyfriends .  . . at least, when the situation requires it.

Unfortunately, Veronica’s and Logan’s story is already over . . .

But Caroline’s and Tyler’s is JUST BEGINNING!

And, while we don’t know exactly where Baby Vamp Caroline and Baby Were Tyler will take us in the upcoming TVD seasons, if their predecessors, Veronica and Logan are any indication, we can be sure, that it will be EPIC . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under Television Super Couples, The Vampire Diaries, Tyler and Caroline, Veronica and Logan, Veronica Mars