Tag Archives: Dad

Unmasked – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Illuminated”

the mask

Happy Faux-Halloween Werebangers!  As much as this week’s installment of Teen Wolf was all about black-light parties, mostly naked people with paint on their toned torsos, and oddly-attired warriors, who may or may not have descended from fireflies, with the capacity to tattoo people with their fingernails and produce long swords from their stomachs . . .

sword maker

2 18 hencer holding a knife pll

. . . it was also about masks . . .

time to die

smokin

.  . . but not just the masks we wear on Halloween with the little eye holes cut out of them so we don’t bump into walls while we are trick-or-treating .  . .

got a rock

. . . but the more subtle masks we wear every other day of the year.  These are the masks that allow us to hide parts of our true selves from the rest of the world . . . parts of ourselves that we don’t like, or don’t think others would accept . . . parts of us that make us seem less . . . normal . . .

stiles like i have the right 2 one

stiles like i have the right 2 2

become

Source

Of all the characters on Teen Wolf, Stiles — goofy and virginal, though he might be  – always seemed to be the one most comfortable in his teenage skin.  It’s one of the things I always admired most about his character  . . . how unabashedly unafraid he was of being himself, even if being himself got him pushed around or excluded, or kept him from getting the girl . .  .

stiles with wolf hat

In “Illuminated,” however, we learn that Stiles too is wearing some masks.  And these masks are more dangerous than the ones donned by his friends.  Why?  Because he doesn’t even realize he’s wearing them . . .

wake uppppp stiles

So turn out the lights, break out the glow-in-the-dark body glitter, and beware of creepy neck-tattoo giving ninjas, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf-cap . . .

more dancing stiles

[As always special thanks to my supernaturally gifted screencapper Andre, who I would totally invite to my blacklight party if I had one, because I know I could trust him not to tattoo me against my will in a wine cellar . . .]

SMUSH!

jack o

It’s a bad day to be a jack-o-lantern in Beacon Hills, with mean derelict kids around every corner, just waiting to put their foot in your skull, and turn your brain into the mushy stuff on the inside of a pumpkin pie . . .

smush

“What did I do to deserve this?

But worry not jack-o-lanterns!  The Neighborhood Watch has come to the rescue!

matrix

why

“Dressing up like the guys from The Matrix for Halloween is SO last decade!”

Boy, the Neighborhood Watch has changed a lot since I was a kid.  It used to be a bunch of soccer moms in bathrobes.  But these guys are stylin!  I mean, check out those leather dresses.  I would not want to be Jack-o-Lantern Killer in Beacon Hills.  That’s for sure!

leather jackets scottnerdedstiles 1

Speaking of the Neighborhood Watch, Jack-o-Lantern Murder isn’t the only bad act that seems to royally piss them off.  They also seem to REALLY HATE THE POSSIBILITY OF PREMARITAL SEX.

off shirt 2

Sorry Isaac.   But the Neighborhood Watch is apparently very against the idea of your impregnating Allison with your were-cub sperm . . .

time to die

Population control . . .

When Allison and her dad find Isaac, he’s super traumatized and definitely still feeling the effects of his run-in with the black skirted ninjas, who he described as having Firefly Eyes . . .

what happened

“Between this and my dad locking me in the freezer before getting killed by my classmate the were-lizard, I’m going to probably need to be in therapy until I die.”

Hmmm . . . now where have we seen fireflies before on this show?

firefly people

Something about the way Allison’s dad was behaving during Isaac’s “debriefing,” seemed to suggest this wasn’t his first time at the Firefly Eye Guys rodeo.  Maybe it was the way he instinctively knew that beating the sh*t out of Isaac to force him to wolf out would break the spell the Firefly Eye Guys had him under . . .

punch throat

(Then again, perhaps he was just using that as an excuse to beat the sh*t out of the current winner of the Teen Werewolf Most Likely to Bone his Daughter this Season award . . . sorry Scott.)

another werewolf

Or maybe it was the way he warned Allison and Issac to keep their mouths shut about the Firefly Eye Guys for the next 24 hours while he “figured things out.”

shifty dad

cant trust anybody color

Oooooorrrrr maybe it was the BIG OLE BROKEN FIREFLY EYE GUY MASK HE HAD HIDDEN AWAY IN HIS DRAWER, RIGHT NEXT TO HIS SECRET STASH OF HASHISH AND PORN MAGS . . .

so pretty

ep 9 obviously stiles

And if we think the Firefly Eye guys react poorly to kids smashing up jack-o-lantern faces, imagine how pissed off they get about people who smash up THEIR FACES!

kidnapped dad

Cue the theme song, which was a bit more “club dancey” than usual, wasn’t it?  I was only kidding about it last week, but this week’s version of the theme song REALLY did remind me of this . . .

This Girl is on Fire

Once upon a time, there was a popular young adult fiction character who wore a pyrotechnically enhanced outfit designed by Lenny Kravitz, and everyone called her The Girl on Fire . . .

girl on fire

But That Girl apparently, has nothing on our Kira, whose face literally appears to burst into flame, every time someone snaps her picture.  Now, most cameras these days have a Red Eye Reduction function that is probably very helpful for folks like Scott .  . .

red eyes

However, until iPhone invents a Face Flame Reduction Feature, Kira is kind of crap out of luck . . .

on fire

But hey, at least she didn’t end up chargrilled by Mr. “Their Eyes Were Glowing” Barrow!  Something that Scott’s dad honestly seems pissed off about, because dead kids have always been super good for his career.  Have I mentioned yet this recap that Scott’s dad is a douche?

le douche

Well, consider it mentioned!  Anywhoo, the Scooby Gang, plus Kira, find themselves in super hot water with Douchey Daddy for accidentally blacking out the entire town in their attempt to evade being murdered by a child-killing psychopath.  The nerve of these kids and their pesky survival instincts!

darn kids

Meddling Kids!

Douchey Daddy gets incredibly frustrated when he can’t get a straight answer about what happened from our characters . . . something Papa Stilinski finds positively hilarious, because, for once, he’s not the adult being made to look like a moron by a bunch of teenagers less than half his age.

winky stiles

“How come you and Lydia always seem to solve every mystery on this show, when no one else can?”  Scott’s dad asks, echoing the question in the minds of Teen Wolf fans everywhere.

“Because my dad’s in law enforcement,” Stiles replies with a wink.

power station 1

dad in law en

Adorable . . . but also not true.  I mean, Scott’s dad is in law enforcement too, and it hasn’t helped him a lick, when it comes to logical reasoning .  . .

no idea what im doing

I mean, Scott’s a sweet guy and all, but, let’s face it, he’s kind of dumber than wolf poo  . . .

teen wolf 12 cry scott

Of course, by the end of this episode, we have another, more logical, explanation as to why Stiles has seemed to miraculously have all the answers so far this season.  And it’s genius, on a Usual Suspects-like level that leads me to believe I haven’t been giving these writers nearly enough credit in my recaps this season.

mischeivous stiles

I like how the show took the inherent ridiculousness of the “Kill Kira” coded message on the chalk board last week, and immediately offered the explanation that SOMEONE ELSE, aside from Barrow, wrote it.    Now, while that assumption ended up being correct, I’m not sure, as a detective, I would have immediately arrived at that conclusion.  (In fact, if I recall from the message boards on last week’s episode, most fans, myself included, assumed that the code came from Barrow, himself.)  I mean the guy was basically a schizo psychopath who enjoyed killing kids with glowing body parts.  Why would he need a coded message instructing him to do the thing he loved doing so much in the first place?

glowing

Just a thought . . .

Speaking of glowing body parts . . .

Clothing Option . . . Paint Mandatory

At School in the Dark, Stiles finds a new mysterious key on his key chain, which I can totally relate to, because every time I stick my hand in my purse, I’m always finding things I don’t remember putting in there.  I swear I’m convinced my purse is a portal to another land . . .  either that or a very expensive trash receptacle for old receipts, candy wrappers, pens without ink and unmatched gloves  . . .

key enter

But enough about me!

Let’s talk about Kira . . .

i so want to hit that

Last week, Stiles was TOTALLY pro Kira, telling Scott he should absolutely hit that because he’s “the hottest girl” in school . . .

hot girl

Then again, maybe Stiles was just saying those things to hit on Scott . . .

attractie to gay guys

This week, Stiles basically thinks Kira is Jenny the Darach 2.0, which makes her more or less undateable, unless you are really hot for people who secretly look like Lord Voldemort . . .

shes evil

“Let’s leave the dating of secret murderers / super villains to MY future girlfriends, mmmm kay?”

voldemorteet

. . . or you’re a moron . . . like Derek . . .

torn up derek 2

And because I had the exact same idea last week, I am now more convinced than ever that Stiles and I do, in fact, share a brain . . . which worries me, because I’m pretty sure Stiles’ brain has a tumor in it . . .

not a tumor

In the boy’s locker room, Aiden and Ethan are naked, and everyone else is fully clothed, because, like children in the 1950s, these are two characters that are at their best when seen not heard.

the nakeds

Danny’s there too.  He’s fighting on the phone with some unseen person, about a blacklight party, which will now have to be canceled due to the “blackout.”  Hello Irony!

make them want us

Ethan wants to help Danny find an alternative location for the party, because he feels that will help him find an alternative location into Danny’s very busy pants.  He also believes that helping Danny through a really bitchin party will make Care Bear Scott know that Ethan and Aiden “care a lot” about their fellow man.  And even if this doesn’t cause Scott to make Ethan and Aiden into fellow Care Bears like Stiles . . .

awww stilesy

flower power

. . and Isaac .  . .

isaac scarf

grumpy

. . . and Lydia . . .

lydia smirk

stopped caring

. . . it might at least convince him to take the twins on as Care Bear cousins . .  . you know . . . the characters that weren’t bears, but still got to make an appearance every so often in the Care Bear Movies, and Specials, because they were basically nice people/ animals .. .

At first, Aiden is not down with being a Care Bear Cousin.  But then Lydia, whose mom will likely be brutally murdered very soon is now teaching at the school (?) and everyone knows that the only teacher at Beacon Hills High who can never die is Coach Crackpot tells Aiden that he can’t f*&k her in janitors closets anymore because his murdering Boyd just became a total turn off.

no bad guys

big boyd wolf

“Awww . . . how sweet . . . and also about 10 episodes too late.”

And Aiden and his blue balls decide being a Care Bear Cousin is better than being eternally celibate.  So, he decides to help Danny by suggesting he throw a party in Derek’s supposedly abandoned loft.  Yes, Aiden, because throwing a party in the place where Boyd died, will TOTALLY make Lydia forget you killed him.  Good thinking!

gotcha twins

Photo Finished!

Kira is sitting alone in the hallway eating her sad sandwich, and wearing very sad pants.  Scott completely ignores Stiles’ advice .  . .

bad scott

. . . and decides this is the perfect opportunity to hit on her . . .

sad pants

. . .to show her gratitude Kira shows Scott her nifty magical power that involves looking weird in photographs . . .

taking pic

(I don’t know, Kira.   I always look weird in photographs too.  And nobody’s ever tried to electrocute me for it . . . yet.)

Scott agrees to help get Kira’s cell phone (which contains evidence of her weird photographs) out of the police station’s evidence locker.

Meanwhile, Derek (rightfully) scares some kids who are stupid enough to go trick or treating in an abandoned parking lot during a blackout.   (Seriously, are all the parents in this town mentally retarded?)  But before he does that, he gives them candy.  Because grown men who carry Milky Ways and M&M’s  in the back of their truck, just in case they happen to come upon unaccompanied minors aren’t creepy at all . . .

candy for kids

“Hey kids, wanna hop in the back of my truck and eat Snickers?”

tee hee

“Sure sounds like fun!”

arh

“STRANGER DANGERRRRRRRRR!”

Obstruction of Justice 101

I’ve always said that watching Teen Wolf makes me smarter and more pervy.  This week’s installment of Teen Wolf had the added benefit of making me a better criminal!  Be amazed as Stiles teaches us just how easy it is to break into the police department and steal incriminating evidence against yourself!

thieves

Step 1 – Clone the key cards

Thus proving that Stiles literally does own the keys to every door in this entire town . . . including the door to his own mind, Lydia’s heart, and of course, the chemistry lab.

stiles key

“This could be The Key to solving this week’s mystery . . . literally”

Step 2 – Avoid the completely incompetent police force, by merely crawling underneath them . . .

dummy

“Off to get some donuts.”

Step 3 – Unlock evidence Drawer

the phone

Step 4 – Find evidence, and then dawdle for an unreasonably long time for no other reason than to increase narrative tension . . .

too long to charge

                Was it just me, or did that phone take a ridiculously long time to charge enough just to turn on?  That’s BAD product placement, if ever I saw it.  An iPhone takes about 20 seconds.  Just sayin . . .

Step 5 – Almost get discovered, just so Stiles will have to save your ass by being Stiles . . .

I don’t know about you.  But I vote when Teen Wolf gets canceled about 25 seasons from now, Stiles gets his own spinoff, which consists solely of him ragging on Scott’s Douchebag dad for an entire hour . . .  I’d watch that show.

the hero

P.S. What do you guys think the “big secret” Stiles’ dad has on Scott’s dad is that makes the latter hate the former so much?  Part of me thinks it has something to do with Scott’s mom . . . then again, maybe that’s because I’m totally rooting for Stiles’ dad and Scott’s mom to start boning in the next season or two.  They’d be adorable together!  Admit it!

not amused by stiles

After they escape, Kira is totally turned on by her introduction into a Life of Crime.  She wonders whether Scott and Stiles have ever broken the law like this before, at which point, Stiles wryly hands Kira a DVD set of the first 2.5 seasons of Teen Wolf, and replies, “Only every Monday at 10 p.m., for the past three years.”

teen wolf abortiaclinique

Ain’t No Party Like a Firefly Guy Party

Danny’s blacklight party is banging!

time warp

The music rocks, the nudity and creative body paint all over the place is insane.

And what other place can you go to get drawn on by Kelly Osbourne!

kelly o

.  . . or at least someone who looks a lot like her.

kelly os

Danny is eagerly getting painted up, when someone calls for ice, and a flirty Ethan tells him he’ll   . . . BE RIGHT BACK . . .

very gay

painted 3

Silly Ethan.  Did you forget you were on a horror show?

be right back

Sex makes men stupid . . .

While Ethan goes off into a dark abandoned corner of Derek’s loft to get brutalized, Danny notices some uninvited guests at his party, who are wearing way too much clothes . . .

matrix guy

“Why is Neo from The Matrix at my blacklight party?”

uninvited

But they have cool firefly eyes, so he decides to let it slide.

Elsewhere in the loft, Allison and Isaac show up at the party completely overdressed (just like the firefly guys).  So, they decide to improvise and also hump . . .

where are we

. .  . because really no blacklight party is complete without some good old fashioned humping . . .

talk scott 1

talk scott 2

talk scott 3

Also humping?  Stiles!  You go boy!

mackin

So what if he may end up being this season’s Big Bad?  Stiles is so Geek Chic and Dorky Sexy that even lesbians whose girlfriends were recently brutally murdered want to bone him!  Because everyone knows that having Stiles in your mouth is better than any antidepressant.

stiles

But who does Stiles want in HIS Mouth?  Answer:  Apparently EVERYONE!

like boys

like boys 2

Source

It’s always the “innocent” ones that end up being the biggest freaks in the sheets . . .

halloween shy sexy amariesworld

Stiles takes a break from sucking face with a lesbian to notice that his Magical Mystical Key has chemicals on it . . . as in chemicals from a chemistry lab.

check out your key

glowy key

RUH ROH!  It looks like our baby may have done a bad bad thing . . .

Speaking of bad things . . .

Ashes, ashes, they all FALL DOWN!

At the blacklight party, relationships, advance, discoveries are made, people are attacked, and everyone gets tattoos, all in a matter of minutes!

After coming to a silent understanding with Allison that they are both going to screw other people this season, Scott finally sees Kira for what she really is . . . a fox . . .

No, I mean, like, a real fox . . . like the “fire” around her body in pictures actually has a fox shape . . .

fox head

And being a member of the canine family himself, Scott totally digs it . . .

next victim

Allison and Isaac too finally give in to their mutually shared sexual tension, which causes Allison to discover Isaac’s brand new neck tattoo.  A backwards “five,” put there by the Firefly Guys?  Why, are they dyslexic?

found sign

Then again . . . it could also be an “S” for Superman . . . or STILES . . .

stiles rescue

Speaking of the Firefly Guys, Lydia spots them at a crowded party stalking her.  And so, rather than staying amidst the massive crowd of people who will undoubtedly keep her safe, she decides to say “I’ll BE RIGHT BACK,” to no one in particular, and heads out to balcony alone.

oh no

“Oh no, demons are trying to get me!”

make it easier

“Let me go out here, and make it so much easier for them to do so.”

draco malfoy facepalm

Silly Lydia!  This is what happens when you don’t hang out with Stiles, and allow him to makeout with lesbians instead of protecting you . . .

And they say you’re the smart one . . . sheesh.

not an orgy - Copy

The Firefly Guys take Lydia’s Banshee scream, give her the dyslexic tattoo, and then seem to entrance her in some sort of way.   But I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to determine what the consequences of that entrancement are . . .

look into my firefly eyes

“Look deep into my firefly eyes.  You are getting very sleepy.”

really loved you in matrix

“I really loved you in The Matrix, Mr. Keanu Reeves.”

Also, attacked and tatted up?  Ethan . . . and Derek . .  . whose super pissed off about it, and breaks up the party, the exact same way he traumatized those pesky trick our treaters.

this partys over

“STRANGER DANGERRRRRR!”

The Scooby Gang, minus Stiles, reconvene in the now empty loft to face off against the Firefly Guys.  I smell a Musical Battle Sequence . . .

kung fu fighting laala

“MORTAL KOMBAAAAAATTT!”

Unlike most Musical Battle Sequences on this show, in which the Werewolf Always Wins.  This time around, the Werewolf Always Sucks Ass . . .

had a bad da

In the Scooby Gangs’ defense, Firefly Guys are much better armed than our heroes, with Magical Tummy Swords . . .

sword maker

Hypnotic Tattoos . . .

superman

 

negativity and scarf

 

Bet Isaac is wishing he was wearing the scarf last night . . .

isaac scarf

“No tatt for me, Firefly Guy!”

And the Ability to Regenerate Heads . . .

danger

Then The Sun comes and saves everyone from getting murdered!  Hooray Sun!

the sun

Unfortunately, things are less sunny elsewhere in Beacon Hills, like back at the Argent house, where Papa Argent looks like he had a pretty crap day . . .

dying daddy

Also having a crap day, Stiles who has just learned that HE might be the one trying to kill Kira . . . which was a pretty ingenious development on the part of the writers, as it makes the oddity of Stiles magically figuring out the “code” on the board make so much more sense in hindsight.  It also makes Lydia’s comment about not wanting to be with the “bad guys” seem much more ironic / ominous.

evil stiles

Either that, or he’s dreaming / in a coma . . .

sleeping stiles

Or he has a brain tumor . . .

not a tumor

Whatever the reason, Stiles sure seems to be working very hard to make sure “The Hottest Girl” in school doesn’t get it on doggystyle with “The Fox.”

abominable snowman

Thus, proving that prolonged virginity can make you evil and/or cause brain tumors / comas.

So, go forth and get laid, Werebangers!  It might just save your life and YOUR SOUL!

sex me now 2

Until next time . . .

hi stiles

 

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Filed under Teen Wolf

MOUNTAIN ASSSSHHHHHHHH! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season 2 Finale “Master Plan”

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Greetings, Werebangers!  Though it was a bit cartoony at times, and there were a few too many “plot-sicles” (Yes, I just made up a new word.) left hanging by the end of the hour for my taste, “Master Plan” was nothing if not entertaining.  The hour was jam packed with no less than FIVE potential deaths (though two of them just so happened to be by the same person), one breakup, one makeup, one surprise twist that resulted in the most unintentionally hilarious shouting of the words “MOUNTAIN ASH,” I suspect I will ever hear in my lifetime, one massive supernatural brawl to the tune of the series’ theme song, and a beautifully well-lit extended shot of Colton Hayne’s ass . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty thanks to my pal Andre, who’s kickass screencaps are the Shiny Key that keeps me from turning into a Snot-Secreting Giant Killer Lizard, each week. :)]

In which everyone thinks that Jackson is dead (but we know he’s SNOT) . . .

“Let’s see . . . so far, this series, you’ve made a claw come out of my mouth, black blood come out of my ears, a snake come out of my eyeball, green scales come out of my neck, a tail come out of my ass, and now THIS.  Can’t a guy temporarily die in peace?”

When we last left our favorite boy vengeance lizard, he had just attempted reptil-icide, by clawing out his insides in the middle of a lacrosse field.  (Now, if that doesn’t constitute a game penalty, I don’t know what does!)

Shortly thereafter, the medics arrive to cart away the seemingly DOA Jackson and his decidedly Swiss-Cheese looking tummy.  Being the “kind and generous” soul she is, Mama McCall volunteers to ride in the ambulance with him.

“Ooh!  Can I come along?  Can I?  Can I?  This is the most lines of dialogue I’ve had all season!

Now, normally, this would be against ambulance policy.  But hey!  It’s not like his actual parents (1) are present; (2) know, or seem to give two leaping lizards (See what I did there?), about the fact that their son might be future worm food.  (For the record, I’d like to think that if I randomly started spending my evenings as a big green ugly monster / mass murderer, my parents would sense something was up enough to at least wonder whether I was “on drugs.”)

“In my defense, Jackson is not my biological son.  Tyler Lockwood from The Vampire Diaries is my Real Son.  (And I didn’t give two craps about him, either).”

So, Mama McCall is graciously invited along for the trip!

Later, we are at the morgue.  And Mama McCall is still hanging out with Dead?Jackson!  (OH, honey, I know he’s pretty.  And I know you’re lonely.  But, trust me, girl.  You really can do better than an under-aged half-lizard corpse encased in a cocoon of snot . . .)

“I just want to be loved, dammit!  Love me, Dead Snot MAN!”

Oh, that’s right!  I haven’t even gotten to the part about the snot yet!  You see, I’ve come to the conclusion that every episode of Teen Wolf must, as a rule, contain at least one moment that will cause me to gag uncontrollably.  In “Master Plan,” this was the first of three . . .

As if it wasn’t nauseating enough that Jackson’s been leaking more mucus than Sneezy the Dwarf, this season, now he’s literally covered in the stuff.  (Yes, yes . . . I’m aware that it’s supposed to be “venom.”  But it sure as heck looks like snot to me!)

Frightened, and more than a little bit grossed out, Mama McCall, who, last I checked, was not a medical examiner, calls her son and his new f*&k buddy bestie, Isaac — who are also not medical examiners, so that the three of them can all stand around and gawk at Jackson’s naked, booger-covered, corpse.

“I can’t believe I gave up tickets to The Dark Knight Rises for this . . .”

Now, that’s what I call Family Bonding . . .

One thing can be said about Jeff Davis and Co.  They definitely know all the tricks in the book, when it comes to creating a Good Scare Moment.  And they do so here, as Mama McCall unzips Jackson’s body bag very . . . verrrry . . . slooooowwwwly . . .

What’s the matter Mama McCall, afraid of waking Mr. Snotty Pants?

Oops . . . too late.


Question out there to anyone who knows “stuff” about lizards.  Do they really have teeth like that?  Because . . . yuck.

Anywhoo . . . Mama McCall zips that body bag back up faster than you can say, “lizard dentures.”  Of course, it’s uncertain whether Mommy Dearest does this more because she’s afraid of getting eaten by those rotted chompers, or because Jackson is suffering from a wicked case of post-death Halitosis . . .

In which Stiles gets his ass handed to him by a dying old geezer, for no logical reason (but it still makes us cry) . . .

Source

Elsewhere, Stiles gets literally thrown into the Argent’s basement by some faceless Roid-head type.  (Geez!  How many Argents are there in this town?  Because I’m starting to think that these guys could give that wacky Duggar family a run for their money when it comes good old fashioned baby-making . . .  Come to think of it, maybe that’s why Allison only dates Scott.  Maybe he’s the only guy in town to whom she’s sure she’s not related!)

After belly flopping on the hard cold ground (What’s the matter?  Couldn’t spring for carpeting Argents?  Is money really that tight in the werewolf murder business?), Stiles finds himself face to face with the Argent’s newest tree ornaments, Boyd and Erica, who are quickly eclipsing Stiles, as the most consistently physically abused members of this cast . . .

This whole “being a werewolf” thing sounded a whole lot better in the instructional pamphlet . . .

Through some random exposition, we learn that the reason this loveable were-pair is currently dangling from the Argent’s ceiling, is that they are getting slowly charbroiled by bolts of electricity.  And the reason they are getting slowly charbroiled by bolts of electricity, is because Jeff Davis secretly loves torture porn because this apparently keeps them from wolfing out.  (This kind of makes me wonder why Derek didn’t use the same tactic, when he was trying to nurse his cubs through their first Full Moon together, a few weeks back.  Then again, if he had done that, it might have actually worked we probably wouldn’t have gotten to see this . . .

Oh hey!  Gerard has joined this party!  He’s come to emasculate Poor Stiles, by showing him that he can, in fact, be beaten up by a 98-year old (or, whatever age this guy is).

“I totally OWNED that young whipper snapper!”

Seriously, Teen Wolf?  Isn’t it bad enough that all Stiles’ friends are supernatural superheroes, and he never gets laid?  Now, you’ve got to have him SH*TCANNED by Oldies?  What’s next?  Is Betty White going to pop by give him a few drop kicks, and a punch in the face?

What made the scene even more difficult to watch was the fact that Stiles didn’t even try to fight back . . . not in the least.  This, actually got me thinking . . . to all you male viewers out there, who patently refuse to hit women (which, I sincerely, hope, is ALL of you Y chromosome owners), do you utilize the same standard when it comes to male geezers?  If so, at what age does it become patently immoral to clock an oldie in the face with your fist?   I’m serious.  I’d like to know your thoughts on this issue . . .

Now, I guess it’s safe to assume that the Argents kidnapped Boyd and Erica, in hopes of torturing them into giving up Derek’s location.  However, Gerard’s reasoning for hijacking Stiles is a bit more murky.  Was he meant to be used as bait for Derek or Scott?  Because it kind of seems like Grandpa just knocked the kid around a few times, and sent him packing . . .

“So yeah, I’m going to head on home now.  If you need anything, just yell . . . oh, wait, nevermind . . .”

That said — and I know I’m a totally awful person for saying this – but Beat-up!Stiles looked kind of sexy . .  . like Brad Pitt in Fight Club sexy.  I mean, he was dinged up just enough that you would felt bad for him, but not enough that it really messed up his adorable face.  Clearly, the makeup department Gerard has a talent for giving people attractive bruises . . .

Don’t be sad, Stiles.  Chicks dig scars . . .

Anyway, Stiles came home and had a tearful reunion with Papa Stilinski, so that we could all meet our Teen Wolf Weekly Cry Quota.

And then our snarky hero pretty much moped around in his room for three-quarters of the episode.  (Hey, you’d be bummed out too, if you just got the poop kicked out of you by a 109-year old!)

I’m never helping old people cross the street ever again!

At least, that’s what he did, until a Special Someone entered his bedroom .  . .

In which Stiles and Lydia, once again, remind us why we should shop at Macy’s  . . .

Be still my beating hard, Lydia is in Stiles’ bedroom at night.  And we all remember what happened when Stiles was in Lydia’s bedroom, back in Season 1, don’t we?

*grumbles* I’m not going to mince words here.  This scene was a major cock tease (and female equivalent) for Stiles and Lydia fans.

In fact, when it comes to cock teases, this scene almost rivals that one time we almost got to see Stiles without his shirt on in sheer cock teasiness . . .

I mean, it just had so much potential!  Think about it.  The couple is alone in the bedroom.  They are both feeling emotionally raw and vulnerable . . .  It could have been EPIC.

It wasn’t . . .

Things started off promising enough, with Lydia, the “Beautiful Crier,” beautifully crying as she stares, with puppy dog eyes at Stiles and his oh so sexy Fight Club face wounds . . .

“Come on!  Kiss me, you fool.  This is the stuff fanfictions are made of!”

Except, she’s not crying for Stiles . . .

Remember that time when Jackson asked Lydia for the key to his house back?  But she never got around to actually giving it back to him, because they started making out, and then he TURNED INTO A LIZARD?

Well, Lydia certainly remembers.  And now that Jackson might be dead, she really wants to give him his key.  After all, he’s a Possibly Dead Guy.  And when you are a Possibly Dead Guy, you just never know when your Not-Biological Parents are going to send you invitations to family dinner.  And when you get those invitations, you’re going to need a key . . . because . . . they aren’t going to let you in, once they see how badly you’ve decomposed . . .

“Dead Guys need home cooked meals sometimes too!”

Let’s get back to that key in a minute, because Lydia has suddenly become distracted by the need to be in this week’s obnoxiously obvious Macy’s commercial shiny objects . . . and by shiny objects I mean REALLY BIG MACY’S BAGS (Show the label, MTV!  You have to show the label, like you’ve done for these past two weeks.  Otherwise it doesn’t count!) filled with really small items of jewelry.

“Hi Teen Wolf fans.  Check out my MACY’S bags.  Because I shop at MACY’S.  Yes, MACY’S.  (Nod and smile, or I’ll have to show them to you again.)”

“Ah-ha!”  Stydia fans say!  Now, we will finally learn what was IN THAT BOX . . . You know the one, don’t you?

Yep, that’s the one . . .

Except, we don’t . . .

But we do get to find out what things Stiles ended up not giving Lydia for her birthday, which, included, among other things, a whole lot of jewelry from Macy’s!  Remind them that it’s from MACY’S!, and . . . wait for it . . . a massively large Flatscreen TV . . .

“Hey Lydia, I bought you a TV, so that you can watch Teen Wolf, and learn what an idiot you are for choosing Jackson over Stiles.

(They must pay single-parent sheriffs really well in Beacon Hills.  Because, last I checked, Stiles doesn’t have a job . . . not even one of the dinky, embarrassingly low-paying ones, most of us end up getting in high school.)

Anyway, call me tremendously naive, because I truly believed that Lydia would be touched enough to kiss Stiles, when she saw all these un-given gifts . . .

But NOOOOOO . . . she just wanted to talk about getting Jackson that DAMN KEY!  I was MAD!

Stiles was mad too, which was why he yelled at her . . . in that sexually tense, “I’m yelling at you, because I’m feeling very emotional right now, and I secretly want to jump your bones” kind of way . . .

“Stop moping about your stupid key, and look at my sexy face wound! NOW!”

Because Stiles hates the idea of Lydia putting Jackson’s life before her own.  He finds it selfish  . . . that’s right, I said selfish, because, by putting his life before her own, Lydia is presenting the rest of the world with the very real possibility of having to cope with her eventual death, just like Papa Stilinski (and, I guess, Scott, if he wasn’t busy doing other things) had to cope with Stiles being kidnapped and drop kicked by a 506-year old man . . .

See, it all comes full circle . . .

Now, me?  If someone was yelling at me like that, all fiery and passionate, and caring and stuff, I totally would have kissed him . . . .

Lydia?  She left . . .

It’s time for Dad to come back to give Stiles another pep talk about being “The Hero,” even though his version of “The Hero” always seems to get beaten up, rejected, ignored in favor of lizardy douchebags, and never gets laid . . .

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Spiderman and Batman would definitely not approve.  But the sentiment was still very nice, Papa Stilinski.  You get an “A” for effort.

Your words also might have ultimately convinced Stiles to do the very selfless and heroic thing he ended up doing toward the end of the episode.  But more on that later . . .

In which Peter goes from Psychotic Murderous Gorilla-Thing Alpha to Derek Hale’s Wisecracking Yoda, in two episodes flat . . .

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Now, I love me some sexy, undead, Peter Hale.  So, I’m not going to complain.  But since when does coming back from the dead, through an elaborate scheme that involves possessing a teenager, drugging a bunch of high school kids, and having your nephew’s unconscious body dragged across town, result in a Complete Personality Transplant?

Are we really supposed to believe that Uncle Peter, who, last season was Mad as Heck and KILLING EVERYONE, really went through all this trouble to come back to life, just so that he can be a Wise Snarky Sidekick for Derek Hale?

After all, our Scooby Gang already has a Velma (Stiles), and a Guy Who Spouts Off Random Expository Mythological Mumbo Jumbo When Necessary (the Vet).  So, what exactly is Peter Hale bringing to the table, this time around (aside from his SASSY, of course ;))?

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No matter.  This week, Peter is helpful, with his surprise hidden laptop, that just so happens to show the real reason Jackson is currently encased in snot.

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Apparently, like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, Jackson is a Beta Kanaima, turning into an Alpha Kanaima . . .   Also, like a butterfly, he’s going to HAVE WINGS . . .

Peter even found an animation of it, which he isn’t going to show you, because it’s Too Hot for TV . . .

I don’t know, given the fact that Jackson never actually TURNED into an Alpha Kanaima just like no one actually BECAME the kanaima, just because they broke the Rules of the Kanaima, as was hinted a few episodes back, I would have at least liked to have seen the video.  Wouldn’t you?

In which Allison sasses her dad / has Evil!Hair . . .

Allison shares with her dad her best impersonation of THAT gymnast . . .

Speaking of sh*t we didn’t see, we never did find out what was in that letter that made Allison become such an uber b*tch.  At this point in the story, we are led to believe that Allison is well aware of at least a good portion of Gerard’s wacko plans, including his kidnapping / electro-shock therapy of Boyd and Erica, his manipulation of the Kanaima, maybe even his kidnapping Stiles.  And, much like the honey badger, she just “don’t care” . . .

She also doesn’t care for her father trying to talk some sense into her, by kindly explaining that she’s become Grandpa Slave just as much as Kanaima Jackson has . . .

Given the way she’s been treating everyone lately, I’m kind of glad Daddy Dearest broke her stupid crossbow.  B*tch totally deserved it . . .

Chris Argent – He may not be as warm and cuddly as Sheriff Stilinski (but he does drive a faster car) . . .

As the only remaining Argent who hasn’t lost his marbles at this point in the story, Papa Argent earns major points this week for freeing Boyd and Erica, and, ultimately, allying with Team Scooby, to stop Grandpa Crazy Pants and intercept the Kanaima.  He even gave part of the gang a ride to the Warehouse, where Jackson was being held, in his uber-fast Mid Life Crisis Car . . .

Rumble in the Were-House!

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for . . . the Battle Royale, in which Lizards, Werewolves and Hunters all assume their true form, and inexplicably kick the crap out of one another to the tune of the show’s theme song, for three glorious minutes, while Peter just kind of hides in the backround, and makes funny faces.

“What, and mess up this hairdo?  Seriously!”

There’s a twist though.  The fight ends with the kanaima GRABBING ALLISON, even though the two were supposedly on the same team.

“Come on!  Don’t you think we make a cute couple?”

That’s right, Werebangers.  It’s that time again . . . for the Big Bad Villain to give his Big Bad Villain Speech, and explain the REAL reason, why he’s been doing all these Big Bad Things, all season long.

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As it turns out, Grandpa Argent didn’t come to town to avenge his daughter’s death at all . . . and he didn’t link to the kanaima to kill Derek.  Truth be told, Grandpa Werewolf Hater . . . he who was so quick to convince Papa Argent to kill his wife, has really been going through all this trouble to . . . wait for it. . . force Scott to force Derek to turn the old man into a WEREWOLF . . .

SCOTT: “Come on, lay one on him!”

DEREK: “But I don’t WANNA!  He’s wrinkly.  Can’t I give Stiles a hickey instead?”

How’s that for a surprise!  You know how Grandpa has been popping those pills all season, well, basically that’s because he’s dying of cancer.  And he won’t be dying of cancer, anymore, if he becomes a werewolf . . . even if that would make him the thing he hates most in this world . . .

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Seemingly trapped, we see Scott force Derek to give the geezer the bite.  The latter raises his teeth-marked arm in triumph . . .

“Huzzah!  I’m bleeding black blood!  HOORAY . . . wait . . . what?”

 . . . and then all that gross black sh*t starts spurting out of every orifice of his body, and I become nauseated for the third time this hour . . .

Now, this is how those Grumpy Old Men movies SHOULD have ended . . .

BUT WHY?  You might be wondering . . .

Because, my friends . . . wait for it . . . SCOTT HAD A PLAN!

This for me is the most surprising twist of the episode, that Scott did something kind of smart for once in his life . . . though, actually, I imagine it was mostly the Vet’s idea.  Of course, Scott at least gets credit for SMELLING Grandpa’s death, just like Isaac smelled it on that cute puppy a few weeks back . . .

Through flashbacks, we learn that Scott and the Vet have secretly been filling Gerard’s cancer pills with .. . wait for it . . .

AHHH!  MY FAVORITE PART OF THE EPISODE.  Come on!  How could you NOT laugh at that?  That’s friggin hilarious.  Here, let’s watch it again . . .

Then Grandpa Crazy Pants drops to the ground in a black bloody mess.  And we THINK he’s dead.  But he’s actually just heading out to play a good ole game of “Hide and Seek.”  See you next season, ya Wackadoodle . . .

In which Lydia and Jackson have their “Yellow Crayon” Moment (and we are annoyed on Stiles’ behalf) . . .

Named after a scene from Buffy the Vampire Slayer in which a temporarily EVIL!Willow, is brought back from the brink, by her pal reminding her of that one time in band camp, when she stuck a flute up her p*ssy that time in kindergarten when she cried over a broken yellow crayon, because crying over broken yellow crayons =’s HUMANITY with a capital “H,” Yellow Crayon Moments are ones where one TV character helps another regain his or her grip on reality through the use of a seemingly useless, but highly symbolic totem . . . you know . . . kind of like Leonardo DiCaprio’s spinning top in Inception except, not like that at all . . .

Off-screen, Stiles must have changed his mind about the whole “Hero” thing, because he ends up bringing Lydia to the warehouse after all.  She gives Jackson his key.

“What, no flat screen TV?  Cheap B*tch!”

The pair then flashback to “better days” . . .  you know, when Lydia and Jackson could bone regularly without fear of Jackson turning green and scaly, or Lydia, screaming like a banshee and running naked around the forest . . .

Apparently, this boning flashback is supposed to symbolize TRUE LOVE . . .

So, Jackson turns human again. HOORAY!

Annnnnd . . . then Derek and Peter stab him from both sides, and, presumably, kill him . . .

“What’s the matter, Jackson?  Are you ticklish?  I bet you are!  *tickle, tickle, tickle*  Oops!  Damn claws!”

Lydia kneels at his side, reminding him that, yes, she still loves his green scaly, serial killing self.  We’ll miss you, Jackson!  Have fun in Heaven . . . except, under the circumstances, that’s probably not where you’re going . . .

Buuuuut, suddenly,  Jackson’s back up again, to the tune of triumphant music.  Now, his ass lit up like the SUN!  It’s GLORIOUS!

“I’m too sexy to be a kanaima . . . too sexy to be a kanaima . . . too sexy to . . . something that rhymes with kanaima (enema?)”

Or, as Glorious as Ex-Kanaima Butt Porn can be . . .

You see, Jackson found his identity, he’s REBORN as a WEREWOLF . . . a BLUE-EYED werewolf, like the Hales, not a GOLD-EYED one like everyone else . . .

“Now, I’m BEAUTIFUL!”

Now, is this because of the whole “rebirth” thing, or does it have something to do with Jackson’s lineage?  Tune in next season to find out . . .

Oh, I almost forgot, Jackson and Lydia are back together again.  And they are PDA-ing all over the place, while Stiles is stuck watching . . .

Seriously, dude just CANNOT catch a break, this week . . .

In which a bunch of other random stuff happens to set us up for next season . . .

I remember, back in the day, watching that third Lord of the Rings movie, and just cracking up, because the damn thing just NEVER EVER ended . . . every time the screen faded to black, I was up and out of my seat like an Olympic sprinter, ready to dash out of the theater and beat the post-3.5 hour movie potty line . . . and every single time, I was rewarded for my patience with YET ANOTHER FINAL SCENE.  There, were like ten of them . . . I may, or may not have ended up peeing in my pants . . .

Why am I telling you this?  Because this was precisely how Jeff Davis chose to end Season 2 of Teen Wolf .  . . that sneaky bastard.  First, we got the scene with Boyd and Erica surrounded by werewolves, doing that butt wiggle thing Derek does so well .  . .

Then, we learn from Peter Hale that those werewolves are actually a PACK OF ALPHA’S (though none of them look like Peter’s Gorilla Alpha . . . weird) out to reclaim their territory.

THEN, Allison breaks up with Scott, and he’s surprisingly chill about the whole thing.  (Oh, P.S. She’s not evil anymore.)

“No worries . . . I’ll just go shopping for a new girlfriend . . . at MACY’S.”

Then, the Vet and the Guidance Counselor have one of their annoyingly cryptic conversations, while clad in this show’s trademark black leather jackets, while dipping their gloved hands in Gerard’s nasty black blood . . .

He’d much rather show you another finger, but this is a family blog  . . .

FINALLY . . . Stiles and Scott . . . um . . . play lacrosse together? No, seriously, that’s actually how it ended. 🙂

And that was “Master Plan” in a nutshell.  And that was our Season.  I wanted to thank all of you guys who shared it with me, whether it was through your kickass comments, or just by reading my inane ramblings, every once in a while (even if you skipped the boring parts :)).  It’s truly been a blast!  See ya next season, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever – Now with Team Stiles and Team Derek tees!]

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The Graveyard Shift – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Omega” and “Shape Shifted”

[I didn’t forget about you, my Pretties!  A recap for Pretty Little Liars’ “It Happened That Night” should be up within the next 24-hours.  I promise to try and make it extra special snarky, and screencappy, so that (hopefully) it will be worth the wait.]

 

Welcome back, Werebangers!  With a brand new, more than a bit porn-y, opening sequence . . .

. . .  and a slew of new characters on both sides of the werewolf / hunter divide, Teen Wolf’s actors and writers have promised that this season will be sexier, darker, gorier, and more frightening than the last. So, of course, this begs the question:  Did the first two episodes deliver?

Let’s review, shall we?

(As always, I’d like to offer a hearty were-banging thank you to my good pal Andre, for the awesome screencaps you see here . . . particularly the shirtless ones. ;))

-OMEGA-

Slippery When Wet

Jackson waits, while a school of female fish shove dollar bills in his underpants.

One thing can be said for the writers of Teen Wolf . . . they sure do know their audience.  Opening the episode with a wet, ripped-shirted Jackson, emerging from a river, in all his rippling pectoral glory, was an absolutely ingenious move.

 “Here’s the bite that I knew was there all along, but I’m going to pretend to be surprised about, so that you can look at my arm muscles, while I flex.”

In fact, I bet 98% of viewers were so aroused by the sight, they completely failed to realize that it had no significance to the plot, whatsoever.  Then again, lizards / shapeshifters enjoy the water . . . Like I said . . . brilliant.

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You know what was slightly less brilliant?  This . .  .

“Weeeeeeeeeee!”

Scott Receives an Ultimatum / Gets the Runs

Poor Scott!  Only you (and some REALLY bad CGI graphics) can make the sight of a wolf-in-heat, rushing to hump his prime mate,  look like a constipated crab on acid.

“Doh!”

On one hand, I truly appreciated the effort the producers put into this scene.  It would have been much easier for them to go with the tried and true “Superman Effect,” in attempting to illustrate that Scott . . . um . . . runs fast, now that he’s lupine.  But we’ve all seen that before.  I can guarantee that you’ve never seen this.  So, it was something new . . . new and unintentionally hilarious.  But new, nonetheless.

We interuppt this Constipated Crab Moment to bring you a flashback  . .  one that presumably takes place in the not-too-distant past, but definitely after the events of the season finale.  Scott and Alli are hard at work sucking face in Alli’s car.  (At least, I think it’s Alli’s.  Scott still doesn’t have his own wheels, right?)

ALLISON” “Uh, Scott?  I don’t know how to tell you this, but you kind of have dog breath.”

SCOTT:  “Sorry.  I ate a squirrel on the way over here.”

All of the suddden, Papa Arent rips Scott out of the car by his shirt, and pins him violently against the hood of the car, pressing the barrel of a gun right into his skin.

Foreplay?

My first instinct was to think that this was a really dumb move on Daddy’s part.  After all, threatening a horny werewolf like that is the surest way of getting your cajones chewed off.  Then, I remembered that getting Scott to lash out is precisely Papa Argent’s modus operandi, just as it was with Derek, last season . . .

“Make . . . my . . . day . . . White Fang!”

One show of fang from Scott, would be all it took to permit Daddy to blow the former’s brain’s out under his so called “Argent Family Code of Honor.”  But, Code or no Code, having a gun in your face, or in the face of your boyfriend .  .  . well .  . . it kind of sucks.  And I suspect it’s that generalized suckiness that prompts Allison to tearfully cut a deal with her father, while remind the latter that this not-so big, not-all-that-bad, wolf had actually saved both father and daughter’s life, in the not-so-distant past.

“I’ll never see [Scott] again,” promises the girl who goes to school with Scott, has a locker fairly close to his, and even, if I recall correctly, shares a couple of classes with him.

Papa Argent relucantly agrees to this compromise.  (Papa Argent is kind of a moron . . . but hot, in that scruffy, middle-aged, Poor Man’s George Clooney-kind-of-way.)  Once Daddy-o is safely out of the picture, Scott andd Allison share an angsty hug on the roof of the car, as Allison tries to politely ignore the fact that Scott recently peed himself . . .

Back in Present Day, Scott and his goofy crab legs sneak into Allison’s bedroom windo wfor an impromptu sex session.  (Well,  that didn’t take long .  . . and I mean that in more ways than one.)

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m all for watching attractive people hump one another on my television screen.  Who isn’t?

On the other hand, I feel like we get scenes like this, between Scott and Allison just about every other episode.  Not to mention the fact that THEY ALWAYS LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME!  The same location . . . (Allison’s room / bed) . . .  the same fumbling awkwardness to the tune of blaring pop music . . . the same . . .  choreography.  In fact, you could probably cut and paste any Sallison sex scene from any episode, into another episode, without anyone being any the wiser.

From Season 1 

Now, I get that, as far as teen sex goes, monotony and awkwardness, is actually rather realistic.  I just kind of wish that these two would change things up every once in a while . . . you know .  . . for the fans!  For example, have sex in Scott’s house sometimes (His mom DOES work the night shift at the hospital,  after all.), try out a couple of different sexual positions (doggy style?), some rap music (Snoop Dog), a little role playing (Little Red Riding Hood), maybe even some fun costumes (dog collar).

In the couple’s defense, they do happen to be kind of pressed for time.  Not two minutes into the pop song, Mama Argent comes back for where ever the heck she was prior to this moment, and barges into Allison’s room.

SCOTT:  “Do you think we should . . .  I don’t know . . . like invite her to join in?”

ALLISON: “Scott, that’s my MOM!”

SCOTT: “I know.  But I don’t want to be rude!”

To say Mommy Dearest is suspicious of her daughter’s recent behavior is the understatement of the century.

That Mama Argent . . . she sure is one scary b*tch.  From her severe, woman-discharged-from-the-Marines-for-beating-up-her-comrades haircut, to her monotone voice, to those big alien eyes, to the way she not-so-subtly thrashes about Allison’s room opening closets, peeking under beds, and just barely failing to locate the naked Scott, now-hiding on the rooftop . . .

Best Christmas Decoration EVER! 

 . . . I’m pretty sure this was the most frightening scene in the entire episode.  And if you recall, this was an episode where SOME GUY GOT CHOPPED IN HALF!

Nevertheless, Scott somehow manages to escape from the Argent household undetected by the parental units.   He always does!

Meanwhile, over in the hospital . . .

It could have been worse.  She could have opted for a bath . . .

It’s safe to say that less than a week has passed since the events of last season’s finale . . . otherwise, Stiles REALLY needs a shower.  According to Scott’s mom, my loveable little Yoda man has spent every waking minute (and more than a few sleeping ones) holding vigil at Lydia’s hospital bedside, as she recovers from the unfortunate “Alpha Mauling” she suffered, during her prom.

We find our hero, dozing on an uncomfortable chair, and engaging in a rather naughty conversation with some dream girl . . . or maybe boy.

“Oh Derek! You look so good wearing my t-shirt.  Now take it off.” 

“You’re SO dirty,” a sleeping Stiles muses, as a smile creeps across his lips.  “You first.  No, me first?  Well . . .”

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Needless to say, I would PAY to get inside that dream sequence.  As a groggy Stiles awakens to hit the vending machine, we turn our attention to Lydia, who rudely (but wisely . . . we all know what 75% of the parents are like on this show) rejects her father’s offer to help her into the shower.  As our heroine lathers herself,  we notice that the water beneath her feet is becoming increasingly tinged with black goo.  Not cool at all!

Rather than stepping out of the dirty shower and calling an attendant, like most normal people would do in this situation, “self-sufficient” Lydia decides to play plumber, digging into the disgusting drain with her bare hands.  Now, the black water is almost up to her knees.  She brings her hands upward to find piles and piles of  . . . HAIR.  Lydia cries in disgust, but she still doesn’t get out of the tub until SOME DEAD GUYS HAND GRABS AT HER FROM THE DRAIN . . .

Need a hand? 

Cue the screaming . . .

I find it interesting that everyone on the show, including Stiles and Scott (who at this point is miles away) recognizes Lydia’s trademark screams.  Stiles promptly abandons his happy reunion with the Reeses Pieces he freed from that stubborn vending machine, and rushes to his lady love’s side.  But when he and the doctor’s arrive . .  . wait for it . . . she’s gone!  Oh, and the water is sparkling clean and hair free.  Go figure!

Oh, P.S., in her haste to escape the Evil Man Hand, Lydia forgot something very important . . . her clothes.   Way to go, Lady Godiva!

Always the smartest kid in the room, Stiles cleverly snags Lydia’s hospital gown, so that his doggy friend can track down her scent.  Yoda then promptly reunites with Allison the Werewolf Slayer and Teen Wolf,  in hopes of finding Lydia before the Argents do.  The image of  Scott riding with his head out the window like a Golden Retriever, sniffing the wind, will likely stay etched in my memory forever.  In fact, I think it’s some of the best acting we’ve seen Tyler Posey do, since this show started.  No joke.

“It’s hard to smell Lydia in the middle of all this gasoline and roadkill.” 

Meanwhile, over at Kate Argent’s grave . . .

Pet Cemetery

Some teenager is operating a crane to dig the hole in the ground that will eventually include the body of Kate Argent.  We know this teenager is important, because he’s attractive.  And no attractive faces go to waste on this show.  (By the way, what kind of cemetery hires a 16-year old to operate heavy machinery like that in the middle of the night?  That’s just bad for business.)

“Child labor laws are for wimps.  My little brother delivers newspapers in his diapers.” 

Random Teen Who We Don’t Know Yet, hears a gross munching sound, and finds a werewolf munching on the liver of one of the deceased.

The werewolf notices the teen, and easily upends the crane.  Now, Random Teen We Don’t Know Yet is stuck under a crane in the grave he just dug for Kate Argent, just waiting to be eaten.  But worry not, Random Teen!  Derek is here to rescue you!

This almost makes getting buried alive worth it . . . 

Just hanging out . . .

Elsewhere, Scott’s cute little doggy nose has led his search party to the area outside Derek’s house, sight of . . . well . . . pretty much every bad thing that’s ever happened on this show ever . . . Then again, it’s also where we first got to see this . . .

Stiles finds something he thinks might be a clue.   “Hey!  Is this a trip wire?”  He exclaims excitedly.

And Stiles is supposed to be the Smart One . . . 

Whoops!  Next thing you know, Scott’s hanging from a tree.  Thus, proving that even Yoda makes mistakes.  The Argent hunters arrive shortly thereafter, and some threatening words are exchanged between Scott and Papa Argent.  The latter intimates that he suspects Lydia of being a newly turned werewolf, and if he finds her, he’ll chop her body in half.  What a swell guy!

 I actually think Lydia’s not a wolf, but, rather, a Banshee Death Alarm.  But hey, what do I know?

Jackson’s “Time of the Month”

The following morning, the cops are on the lookout for Lydia and the graverobber who attacked Random Teen and ate some corpse’s liver at a cemetery.  (Could the two be one in the same?)  Stiles dad the Sheriff (Remember him?)  questions Random Teen along with his father, a.k.a. The Guy who played Mitch Leery on Dawson’s Creek.  I swear, Dawson’s dad hasn’t aged a day.  He must be a vampire.

Or the Flash . . . same difference. 

Derek approaches Jackson for help finding Lydia, since (1) the three of them are presumably all part of the same were pack now; and (2) well, Jackson DID date the girl, after all.  But Jackson has no interest in becoming part of any pack OR helping his ex girlfriend not be chopped in half.  Jackson is clearly a total sociopath . . . one who’s mean to homeless hippy werewolves.

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He’s also bleeding profusely out of his nose and ears . . . black blood . . . kind of like the stuff Lydia found in her shower.

Ease up on the coke . . . man.

Some might say that getting a female period in your nose is the price you pay for being an asshat.  But Derek clearly has a bigger heart than I do.  He looks legitimately worried for Jackson, when he tells the latter that the excessive bleeding is a sign that his body is rejecting the werewolf bite.

Your face may be all f*&ked up.  But you’re ass is clearly open for business.”

This, of course, begs two questions: (1) Why is Jackson’s body rejecting the bite, when Scott’s didn’t?  (Is it simply because there’s still wolfsbane in his system, or is there a more interesting reason, like, for example something in Jackson’s lineage?), and (2) What are the repercussions of this for Jackson?  (Will he die?  Will he eventually turn into the so-called “Abomination” hinted at in the trailers for this season?  Will he need to constantly have tampons hanging out of his nose?)

Four Maulings and a Funeral

Back at school, we are reunited with some old characters . . . like that Creepy Chemistry Teacher everyone used to think was the Alpha, who REALLY has it in for Stiles, after the latter’s father tried to peg him for murder  . . .

No reason for this picture.  I just wanted to share with you the awesomeness that is Stiles’ t-shirt . . . and this is coming from someone who doesn’t ever want to have kids . . . 

. . . and everyone’s favorite Crackpot Lacrosse Coach .  . .

Separated at birth? 

We are also introduced to some new characters, like the weird (but, of course, still attractive) guy with the camera, who seems to have a real hard-on for Allison.  (Doesn’t everybody on this show?)

“I fulfill the show’s emo quotient.  I also might be a shapeshifter who takes pictures of people and thinks so I can assume their forms at a later time.

There’s also a sweet scene in which Scott comforts a distraught Allison, as she prepares to attend her aunt’s funeral . . . you know . . . if you are into that sort of thing . . .

. .  . sweet scenes, I mean, not funerals  . . . though, of course, you might be into those too.

At Kate’s funeral, the press and that creepy camera guy are all hounding the Argents.  Then this old  guy comes and breaks creepy camera guy’s film cartridge, after the former snaps some pictures of Allison.

“Dammit.  I knew I should have used my iPhone instead.” 

Turns out, this is her grandpa, and he’s one scary dude.  In fact, Grandpa Argent and his Crazy Eyes make Papa Argent look like Big Bird by comparison (Not Mama Argent though . . .  she’s still the scariest.)

Stiles and Scott watch these events unfold before them, as the pair hide behind and old gravestone.  Always trying to keep things positive,  Stiles suggests that possibly Gramps and the rest of the Argents are just here for the funeral.  But Scott knows better.  “They are reinforcements,” he says glumly.

“You know, Stiles’ dad is kinda buff.  Maybe’ HE’S the lizard.” 

Then Stiles’ dad finds the scheming pair, and drags them back to a squad car.  They aren’t there long though.  A call comes in about someone attack an ambulance and eating it’s already dead passenger.  Stiles and Scott, of course, immediately assume it’s Lydia doing the eating.  How rude!

As soon as the two can get away, they form their own search party in the woods.  “Just find her,” pleads Stiles, in regard to his lady love.  (Sigh!)

Source 

Shortly thereafter, Scott smells wolf and takes off in the direction of the stench.  Turns out, it’s not Lydia at all.   It’s that dirty hippie wolf who’s been eating all the dead people.  Go figure!  The two tussle, but Scott eventually loses sight of the guy, until that is, the latter gets tripped up by, you guessed it, another trip wire.

Worst . . . gig . . . ever .  . . 

Enter the Argent Family . . .

He didn’t really need those pesky legs anyway . . .

Grandpa Argent has a big f*&king sword . . . I’m talking Medieval, Game of Thrones sh*t here.  As he waves around his surrogate weiner, Gramps waxes poetic about Omega wolves, who, for whatever reason, lack pack affiliation, and therefore are weak, and easily killed.  Dirty Hippie Wolf tries in vain to defend himself.  He was just looking for the Alpha, he swears!  He didn’t hurt anyone living . . . and therefore never ran afoul of the Argent’s precious Code.

Too bad for Wolfie, that Gramps doesn’t need no stinking Codes.  He slices through Dirty Hippie Wolf’s bottom half like it’s butter.  There’s this creepy moment where the wolf looks down at his now half-body with fascination, before bleeding to death.

“This is SO COOL!  Oh wait . . . no it’s not.  They cut off my balls too.” 

Scott, who’s watching from a distance is understandably horrified.

“Derek, this is really not the time to get handsy.”

Fortunately, Alpha Derek has arrived to comfort him . . . and give him a big ole man hug . . . which probably would have been a lot more appreciated, if he had actually lifted a finger to save Dirty Hippie Wolf.  He didn’t.  But hey.  You can’t blame a guy for wanting to literally save his own balls from being dismembered from the rest of his body.

Never one to give up a good teaching moment, Alpha Derek chooses this inopportune moment to remind Scott why it’s a REALLY good idea to be part of pack, if you don’t want to lose your legs.  “Look at them.   This is what they do,” Derek says fiercely, forcing Scott to look at the bloody corpse.  “This is a declaration of war.”

Apparently Gramps thinks so too, as he tells an admittedly freaked out Papa Argent, in no uncertain terms that the “Code” ceased to exist the minute Kate Argent croaked.  Weak wolves, new wolves, pansy wolves, naked chicks running around in the forest, Gramps wants to cut them all in half, just because he can.

“We’ll find them, and we’ll kill them.  We’ll kill them all,” Gramps declares ominously.

Elsewhere, a naked Lydia emerges from the forest looking for a coat.

Source 

Stiles has never been so jealous of a coat in his life . . .

-SHAPE SHIFTED –

Nice knowing ya, Dawson’s Creek Dad (except . . . not really)

Now we’re at Random Teen’s house.  (I told you this guy was important.)  Apparently, his name is Issac and he’s getting a D in chemistry.  That’s all we know about the character at this point.  Oh yeah, and did I mention his dad’s a psychopath?

 As far as depictions of domestic abuse go, this one is pretty top notch.  You can feel the tension in Isaac’s body as he carefully evades his father’s seemingly harmless questions about his grades, like a soldier navigating his way through a field covered with landmines.  And man, is Dawson Leery’s dad terrifying . . . Sure, he’s saying all the right things . . . encouraging his son to be honest, and telling him it’s OK that his grades aren’t up to par.  But just below the surface there’s an undercurrent of viciousness, a killer’s instinct.  When Bad Dad starts tossing plates at his son, we know immediately that this is far from the first time.

“Dawson would never put up with this sh*t.” 

Then again, it IS probably the first time that Isaac has been able to HEAL himself from his father’s abuses.   That’s right boys and girls.  We have a new werewolf!

Upon realizing what has just occurred, Isaac escapes on his bike, with Bad Dad in hot pursuit.  Part of me was waiting for the character to get into a car accident, because he dropped his ice cream cone on the front seat of the car, and bent down, like a total moron to pick it up . . . which, some of you might recall is precisely how Bad Dad’s Alter Ego, Mitch Leery bit it on Dawson’s Creek.

But Bad Dad’s fate is much worse.  When he emerges from the car, he learns that something is watching him . . . and that something is definitely not a werewolf.

He kind of looks like This Guy . . .

 Does the fact that I cheered just a little bit when that Lizardy Thing mauled Bad Dad in his car make me a bad person?  That’s what you get for abusing hot twenty-somethings posing as teens . . . and, of course, spawning that turd, Dawson Leery . . .

New wolf Isaac rushes to his Alpha Derek for help, swearing up and down that he didn’t kill his father . . . though clearly, he can’t be too overwrought that the douchebag is dead.

Well, that’s one way to get a job, during the recession . . .

Elsewhere, Scott and Allison are making out again.  Snore . . .

Oddly enough, I’m much more interested in what Allison’s parental units are doing on their so-called date night.  Here’s a hint, it involves kidnapping Allison’s principal and sticking massively large guns in his face, until he promises to resign from his post.

“Coincidentally, this is also the size of my secret weiner.” 

Watch out Beacon Hills High!  Principal Gramps is coming to get you!

But she lost NINE POUNDS!

Poor Lydia.  Being known as “That Naked Chick” who ran around in the woods for a weekend isn’t exactly garnering her the popularity she thinks she deserves .  . . even though she did lose nine pounds!  (Banshee diet, I guess.)

Source 

Her ex-boyfriend Jackson isn’t exactly offering her comfort either.  The asshat basically tells her that if he had it to do over again, he wouldn’t save her life.

Oh, and P.S., she should watch out for the Full Moon.  It’s not exactly a scene out of Lydia’s favorite movie, The Notebook.

Scratch and Sniff Lacrosse

Speaking of Full Moon preparations, Stiles knows exactly how to handle Scott’s “time of month” this time around . . .

Fifty Shades of Stiles?

Too bad it makes him look like an S&M fetishist in front of his coach . . .

In the locker room, Scott smells something aside from the usual B.O., dirt, and aftershave.  There’s another wolf on the premises.  The question is who?  Scott has a plan to figure it out,  one that involves playing goalie turning team practice, and rushing out of the goal to tackle and SNIFF all his teammates, until he finds the one that smells like dog.

Needless to say this is probably my favorite scene in the entire episode.

Coach Crackpot quickly asked Stiles what was wrong with his friend .  . .

Source

Weird Camera Guy passed the Scratch and Sniff test with flying colors.  As did Danny, who got bonus points for smelling awesome.  “It’s Armani . . . my cologne,” Danny exclaims proudly, as Scott fights off the urge to make love to him right there on the Lacrosse field.  (It’s the one time during this episode that I wished MTV had smellovision.)

Jackson noteably escaped from practice, before Scott could smell him, probably because he worried about what the latter might find in his scent . . .  wolf?   death?  Or something much worse?

Eventually, it’s Isaac’s turn to square off with Scott.  Cue the matching colored contacts.  It’s like love at first were-bite.  “Please don’t tell anyone,” Isaac pleads.

Unfortunately, this conversation is cut short by the cops, who take Isaac in for questioning about his dead dad.  Scott knows full well that the idea of a brand new wolf locked in a not particularly well-secured holding cell during a full moon isn’t good for anyone.  “You know how I said I no longer have the urge to kill?”  Scott muses to Stiles.  “He does,” Scott said of Isaac.

It was an interesting moment, one that intrigued me quite a bit about Isaac’s character, and what type of wolf he will become.  Clearly, this is someone who’s been abused and beaten down, emotionally and physically all his life.  That kind of persistent torture makes you feel weak and powerless.  It makes you vie for an escape, some avenue of control in your life.  Derek likely saw this in Isaac, and knew that, as a result, he would be amenable to undergoing the transformation.

Yet, Derek’s decision to turn Isaac might not have been completely altruistic  After all, he’s a packmaster at war, now.  And to fight a war, you need good soldiers.  I suspect that Derek also saw in Isaac exactly what Scott is seeing now . . . an untenable rage, bubbling just beneath the surface.  That rage could make Isaac an excellent warrior.  But it also makes him a potential loose cannon.

Nevertheless, Scott clearly feels a kinship with Isaac, that goes beyond mere pack membership.  He sees him as a man who’s been wrongly accused.  And he wants to help him, by breaking him out of the pokey . . . which, of course, means Stiles has to help him too.

Teen Wolf and Yoda to the Rescue

Back at school Stiles’ Sheriff dad is questioning Jackson, who also happens to be Isaac’s next-door neighbor.  Jackson callously admits that he knew Isaac was a victim of abuse, but that this was “not his problem.”

Ugh!  Jackson, you suck!  I don’t care how good you look in a wet t-shirt.  I hope your nose and ear bleed travels to your ass . . .

Back in chemistry class, Scott and Stiles are desperate to know what Jackson is telling the police about Isaac.  And the best way to figure that out is an impromptu trip to the principal’s office  . . .

Of course, Scott and Stiles haven’t yet been informed about the new principal at their school, but they are about to find out . . .

Principal Gramps clearly has done his homework on these too, especially Scott, who he notes is Allison’s “ex-boyfriend.”  It seems pretty obvious that Gramps knows Scott’s a wolf.  And yet, he doesn’t immediately chop him in half, like he did the Hippie Wolf.  The question is why.  I’m thinking it’s because he has bigger plans for Scott . . . plans that might just involve using him to locate the rest of his pack.

Ever the loyal friend, Stiles opts to take one for the team, by stewing in detention, while Scott dashes off to rescue Isaac, who has just been carted off to jail, just as he predicted.  Of course, Derek magically appears at this moment, to help with the “war effort.”  With his leather jacket, and dark glasses, Derek kind of looks like The Terminator . . . only hot  . . . and without the Austrian accent.

Source

Derek has something to show Scott . . . something that could seriously hurt Isaac’s murder defense, if the cops find it . . .

Elsewhere . . .

The Most Boring Sex Tape Ever

Jackson gets Weird Camera guy to lend him a video camera for 100 bucks so that he can make a solo sex tape.  Just kidding.  He wants to videotape his werewolf transformation.  He flexes for the camera a few times, before heading to sleep.  And that’s all that the camera catches . . . eight hours of Jackson . . . alone . . . in bed.

Needless to say, this tape won’t get as many hits on YouTube as the one Kim Kardashian made.

So, it appears Jackson is still 100% Grade A douchebag human . . . or is he?

The House of Hor-weres

The minute Derek alluded to Isaac having a worse motive to kill his father than run-of-the-mill battery, I thought the kid might have been sexually abused.  The writers don’t necessarily go that far with the character.  However, we do get to see Isaac’s dad’s unique idea of punishment, which, apparently, involved locking his son, in an icebox for extended period’s of time.  Oddly enough, this gives Scott an idea . . .

Back at the Argent’s, Gramps and Papa are also discussing Isaac’s case, and whether or not they have enough proof to chop him in half.  Allison tries to listen in, but they shut the door in her face, in a very Godfather-esque way.  Allison does learn part of her family’s plan however.  It involves a sheriff taking wolfsbane into Isaac’s cell, enough of which will kill him.

You know, I like you a lot better, when your tongue isn’t permanently attached to my best friend’s face.”

Allison calls Stiles (Nice to see these two teaming up for a change.), and together they devise a plan . . .

Those Meddling kids

You remember last season how solid Alli was with a crossbow, right?  Well,  this week she uses those skills to put a flat tire in the wolfsbane carrying cop’s car, and to shoot him in the leg.  I’ve never really been an Allison fan.  But even I’ve got to admit that’s pretty bad ass.

Gives new meaning to the term “woody.”

Allison then heads to Isaac’s house (Isn’t that a crime scene?  How are all these people just entering and leaving it, willy nilly?), while Stiles bounds off to jail to somehow save Isaac,  who’s undergoing his first wolf transformation, as we speak.

In the basement of Isaac’s house, Derek again pitches his “Be All That You Can Be In My Pack” speech to Scott, who lectures his new packmaster on his seeming need to turn every lost soul in Beacon Hills into a werewolf, without properly informing them of the risks.  “I can make you a better werewolf.  I can teach you to use ALL your senses . . . not just your nose,” Derek teases his new pal, before heading off to the jail, himself.

Enter Allison.  She and Scott share some kisses and more angst, before Scott finally convinces her to lock him in the icebox during his transformation.  She hesitates, but ultimately obeys.  Moments later, that THING arrives.  It’s the same one that killed Not-Mitch Leery.  It sidles toward Allison, and she screams, grabbing her teeny tiny knife for protection.  (Where’s her crossbow?)

Scott hears her terror, and breaks out of his icebox, half-wolfed out, just in time to see the THING sprout lizard legs,  crawl on the ceiling and exit stage left.

“What the heck is that?” We wonder.  My pal Andre has an idea.

Of course, the more pressing question, for purposes of the show, anyway, is WHO is that?  My early money is on Creepy Camera Guy, (1) because he already seems kind of obsessed with Allison; (2) because he’s on the same lacrosse team as Isaac, and probably knew about his home situation; and (3) because his appearance thus far in the series has been totally random and seemingly useless.  (I mean, honestly, couldn’t Jackson have bought his own camera?)

Anyway, that’s my theory.  What’s yours?

My Hero!

Meanwhile, at the jail, Derek and Stiles are shamelessly flirting with one another.  Derek brags that he can easily distract the female guard with his hotness, while Stiles rescues Isaac.   Stiles watches Derek charm the pants off of the lady cop, clearly jealous . . . though it is uncertain whether it’s Derek or the cop that are earning most of his jealousy.

“That boy is such a tease.  I’m not letting him borrow my shirts anymore.   That’s for sure.  Fool me once, big guy!”

By the time Stiles gets to Isaac’s cell, two important things have happened (1) Wolf Isaac broke out of his cage; (2) Limpy, the wolfsbane carrying cop, who Allison shot, has returned to the jail.  Isaac promptly attacks and disarms him, before turning his attention on a now-scared sh*tless Stiles.  Worry not though, it’s Derek and his ruby eyes to the rescue.

All he has to do is show his teeth to Wolf Isaac, and the latter starts cowering in the corner.   “How did you do that?” Stiles asks, breathlessly, passion in his eyes.  (Yes, I know I’m laying it on thick. ;))

“I’m the Alpha,” Derek says confidentally,  before exiting stage left.

I’m not sure if it’s that simple though . . . One could argue that Isaac submitted to Derek’s will, not because Derek is the Alpha, but because Isaac instinctively fears abuse from his parental figures.  Would Scott have yielded in this situation?  Or Jackson?  Or Lydia?  Only time will tell . . .

Stiles’ dad enters the jail, just in time to find Stiles standing awkwardly in a room filled with one unconscious werewolf, and one unconscious sheriff.  “He did it,” Stiles exclaims adorably, pointing at Isaac.

It’s a brilliantly understated ending to a well-written pair of premiere episodes.  Don’t you think?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Accentuate the Positive, Eliminate the Vanessa & Dan-itive (a.k.a. My Gossip Girl Season 4 Wish List)

 

Greetings fellow GG fans!  Can you believe there are only TWO more episodes left, before Season 3 draws to a close, and our favorite Upper East Siders ride off into the sunset (most likely to the Hamptons) for summer hiatus?  (The season finale episode, entitled Last Tango, Then Paris, is scheduled to air on May 17th on the CW.)

“OMFG, S!  That TV Recapper Girl is staring at us again!  Doesn’t she know we’re on vacation?” 

As the summer months will definitely be long, hot, and lonely, without my wealthy and stylish New York friends to party with on Monday nights, I thought it might be fun, just this once, in lieu of my usual weekly recap, to peer into my crystal ball into Gossip Girl‘s future, a.k.a Season 4.

Here’s the thing . . . I’ve been a fan of Gossip Girl pretty much since it started, which was back in 2007.   (Sheesh, I can’t believe it’s actually been that long!  I feel OLD!).  When you’ve been with a show for that long, you can’t help but become invested in its characters and storylines.  You also can’t help but form some REALLY STRONG opinions on which aspects of the show you think work, and which . . . well . . . don’t.  So, without further adieu, here is my Wish List of Ten Things I’d Like to See More (or Less) of during Season 4 of Gossip Girl .  . .

1) More C&B Moments!

This one is so obvious, it almost goes without saying.  But, of course, I am going to say it anyway.  As far as I am concerned, Chuck and Blair are, and have always been, the true heart and soul of Gossip Girl.  Every time Leighton Meester and Ed Westwick are on screen together, their explosive on-screen presences and undeniable sexual chemistry are so intense, that I sometimes fear that their collective “heat” will burn a hole in my television set.  Check out this SMOKING HOT fan video of the pair, if you don’t believe me!

Early on in Season 3, Chuck and Blair fell into that WAY TOO common trap suffered by many of television’s great super couples.  Here’s how it goes. . .  You have these two sexy characters that are TOTALLY hot for eachother.  But, for one reason or another, they can’t couple.  (Maybe one of them is dating someone else.  Maybe the two are pretending to hate one another.  Or maybe each member of the pair is simply too proud to admit their true romantic feelings, out of fear of hurt or rejection.)  In Chuck’s and Blair’s case, it was ALL OF THE ABOVE!

So, FINALLY the Season Finale comes.  And the writers give fans what they have been clamoring for since the first episode, a dramatic event that throws the two unrequited lovers together and FORCES them to admit their feelings for one another.  Fans rejoice!  Pause and rewind buttons are worn out on television sets, as “shippers” replay the sexy satisfying moment of coupling OVER AND OVER AGAIN!  DVDs of the Season are preordered en-mass, JUST so people can rewatch the finale.  Fangirl blog posts are written in ALL CAPS with lots of smiley face emoticons!

Then the following Season begins and the pair is now a COUPLE.  And the writers are stumped as to what to do with these fan favorites.  So, first, they give the new couple a lot of makeout and sex scenes to appease the fans.  Then they throw the pair into ridiculous situations, just so the two can fight with one another, and somehow be involved in the story.  But the “fights” seem lame and contrived, and the loyal fans don’t buy into them for one second.  These fans soon grow bored with the same people they once tuned in week after week to see.  Unfortunately, it happens all the time.  And it happened to Chuck and Blair.

But now that the two have broken up (but obviously still care for one another), the writers have an EXCELLENT opportunity to rebuild the angst and sexual tension Chuck and Blair once had.  There can ONCE AGAIN be longing looks, and ALMOST sex moments!  There can be sexy “I want to rip your clothes off, because you infuriate me so much,” bickering.  And there can be the inevitable jealousy that arises when one of the pair tries in vain to “move on.”

You have the power to REALLY make this work GG writers, so DON’T SCREW IT UP!  Don’t instantly throw Chuck and Blair into random and unfulfilling relationships with new characters we don’t care about, or old characters we don’t like that much (cough, Jenny, cough).  Curious as to how to fill Chuck’s and Blair’s time while they are single and, once again, longing for one another, writers?   #5 on this list, should help you out there . . .

2) DOWN WITH DAN AND VANESSA!

“Hey Vanessa, what are you watching?” 

“The Chuck and Blair parts of our show.”

“Cool, let’s do that for the remainder of our screen time.  Maybe it will make us more interesting .  . .”

People who read my recaps might get the idea that I HATE Dan and Vanessa.  I don’t (or at least, I didn’t).  You know when I liked Dan and Vanessa?  Back during Season 1, when they were the poor kids, thrown in with a bunch of rich kids they didn’t like and felt morally superior to.  Because Dan and Vanessa were different than the rest of the GG crew.  They were snarky, and not as well-dressed, and a bit less attractive (Sorry guys!).  So when they made fun of Serena, Nate, Chuck and Blair, you laughed with them, and related to them.  Then the writers got the “great” idea to incorporate Dan and Vanessa into the gang.  They even made Dan RICH! 

“Yo, Jeeves!  I called you TWO WHOLE minutes ago!  Where the F is my limo?  I’d rather DIE than ride the subway!”

What’s worse?  They took these two GREAT sidekicks,  and not only put them center stage, but put them center stage TOGETHER!  Why?  Vanessa and Dan are practically the SAME PERSON!  They are both artsy fartsy, self-righteous, outsiders, who prefer talking about art and literature to partying and having sex.  How can such people even exist on a show like Gossip Girl AT ALL?  Let alone take up 15 minutes of screentime each week .  . .

The TV version of a sleeping pill . . .

Now, I’m not saying to get rid of Dan and Vanessa ALTOGETHER (Although, seeing as the writers just shipped Vanessa off to Haiti, they may, ultimately, have decided to do just that).  I’m simply saying keep them as snarky sidekicks.  Let them give sage advice to our less “level-headed characters.”  Let them provide a grounded sense of realism to the show (as long as such grounded realism lasts under 7 minutes . . .).  Gossip Girl is supposed to be about ostentation, fashion, gorgeous people, bad immoral behavior and teenage angst.  Mature cast members need not apply.  Which leads me to #3 on this list . . .

3) Ix-Nay on the Parental Units’ Storylines, Por Favor!

OK, this one is probably going to sound a little ageist.  But just as I am not cool with Dan and Vanessa eating up twenty minutes of perfectly good GG screentime, nor am I copacetic with that same screentime being devoured by:  Lily van der Woodsen, Dr. van der Woodsen, Rufus Humphrey (and/or that slutty neighbor chick who wants in his pants), Eleanor Waldorf, and Cyrus Rose.  I would, however, make an exception for the Dead Bart Bass . . .

This guy is just too cool!

Look, I’ll be the first to admit it.  There are PLENTY of great shows out there that revolve around the “Over 40” set.  Like, for example, Desperate Housewives or The Golden Girls.

Gossip Girl just ISN’T one of those shows . . .  It’s on the CW, for crying out loud – The NETWORK for late teen, and early twenty-something angst!  Now, I know these teens DO have parents.  And I am not expecting the show to convert said parents into off-screen incoherent buzzing sounds, a la Charlie Brown. . .

 . . . nor should they be just a pair of “feet,” like The Nanny in The Muppet Babies.

All I’m saying, is I don’t need to be informed EVERY time Lily is propositioned by one of her many, many, MANY aging bachelors.  And I don’t need to see that furrowed brow look that Rufus gets every time he feels “insecure.”  Enough is enough!

4) Fire Little J’s Stylist!

(Self explanatory)

5) Bring Back Scheming Blair and Self-Destructive Chuck!

Earlier in this post, I suggested that the writers keep Chuck and Blair single and hot for eachother during most of Season 4.  I also suggested that I would provide the writers with guidance, as to how to keep the characters’ busy during those long uncoupled months.  Here it is!  Gossip Girl was never about “good behavior.”  We love our characters best when they are being naughty!  So, enough of all of this maturity!  Let Chuck get self-destructive, drunk, and slutty with random girls.  Let Blair scheme and connive to get what she wants and to get revenge against those who double cross her.  Better yet, let these two awesomely adorable baddies self-destructively scheme and connive TOGETHER, like they did during Season 1!

6) Get thee to Columbia, GO!

When a high school show transitions into a college show, it is typically a make or break time for the series.  Lesser shows have failed in making the transition, but Gossip Girl did a fairly good job of it.  The writers managed to keep all of the characters in NYC and, therefore, relevant to the series, while not falling into the “they should all go to the same college” trap, into which other shows have fallen.  For example, it makes total sense, that the non-academically inclined Chuck, and the under achieving, Slutty Serena would not attend school at all, while the born-with-a-silver-spoon-in-his-mouth Nate would be able to use his lineage to get into an Ivy League school.  However, I can’t say I’ve been all that pleased with the show’s portrayal of NYU.

Having taken summer classes at NYU, I am happy to report that it’s a fine establishment, no where near the lame artsy fartsy place it’s portrayed as on the show.  Now that BOTH Nate and Blair are attending Columbia on the Upper West side, the writers have a BRILLIANT opportunity to portray a second college in a more realistic way than they portrayed the first.  The change of scenery might be nice too . . .

7) “New York . .  .  it’s streets will make you feel brand new.  It’s lights will inspire you.”  USE IT!

As someone who works in NYC, I generally love Gossip Girl’s glamorous and CLEAN portrayal of my city.  However, they keep showing us the SAME TWO BLOCKS!  NYC is a vast playground, in which our favorite characters can thrive and play.  Take advantage, writers!  Wouldn’t you LOVE, for example, to see Blair muck it up in the not always so classy, Times Square?  Or watch Serena get laid in the Bronx?  Because I WOULD!

8 ) Put the “F” back in OMFG!

I absolutely ADORED the “OMFG” Gossip Girl campaign that jump started Season 2 of the show.  After all, how could you possibly top posters like these?

Except, lately, I feel like the show has gotten a bit .  . . how do I say this . . . TAME!  So, here’s a tip for the writers: in Season 4, try to include at least one OMFG (slutty) moment per every 20 minutes of Gossip Girl.    You get extra bonus points if the slutty scene in question involves Chuck and / or Blair.

9) Little Eric . . . BIG Backstory!

In last week’s GG installment, “It’s a Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad World,” the chronically underwritten Eric van der Woodsen really got a chance to shine.  And fans FINALLY got to see Connor Paolo flex his acting chops.  The episode also gently reminded us that ERIC TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE back in Season 1!  Why did he do this?  What made him so depressed?  I would really love to see this storyline explored (possibly through flashbacks) during Season 4.  And I think Mr. Paolo is up for the challenge . . .

10) If Nate only had a brain (and a decent storyline) . . .

It’s no secret that Chace Crawford is easy on the eyes.  But I THINK he can actually ACT too.  Although, you wouldn’t really know this from watching Gossip Girl, of late.  In recent episodes, it seems as though Nate’s only function is be the sex toy for whatever lady happens to desire his “services” at the moment.  If GG was a porno (and sometimes I wonder if it is), Nate would be the Pizza Delivery Guy.

Earlier in this post, I saved you writers A LOT of screentime by nixing storylines for Dan, Vanessa, and the Upper East Side Parental Units (except for, of course, Awesomely Dead Bart Bass).  Let’s fill some of that screentime with a meaty Nate storyline — perhaps, one that doesn’t involve him taking his clothes off at the the first opportunity . . .

There you have it GG fans, my Wish List for Season 4 of Gossip Girl.  Oh, and if, by chance, you happen to be experiencing GG-related withdrawal symptoms this summer, I recently came across an EXCELLENT Gossip Girl blog site, that will be sure to satisfy all of your OMFG needs.  Here’s the link:

http://chuckandblairtheperfectpair.wordpress.com/

The writers of the site are VERY nice, and will be happy to assist you. (Just don’t mention the whole “Chenny” thing to them.  You might make them angry . . .  ;))

XOXO

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