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“If You Want My BLOODY, and You Think I’m Sexy . . .” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “There Goes The Neighborhood”

Me = seriously wishing that this ACTUALLY happened during the episode . . .

One of the things I love about The Vampire Diaries is how far the show manages to push the envelope, in terms of sexual content, while still staying within the boundaries of its 8 p.m. basic cable time slot.  The producers  have somehow managed to make this show the equivalent of a FULL HOUR of foreplay.  It’s INGENIOUS!

E = MC Screwed

Because, if you really think about it, in every GOOD vampire story, the exchange of blood is, more or less, a metaphor for sex.

The pleasure / pain sensation that comes from being “bitten” is obviously supposed to be an “O” moment . . .

“Ohhhhh, yes!”

And the whole “compulsion” / “mind control” thing is all about being able to have sex with strangers, without feeling guilty or slutty, or having to go to sex rehab with Tiger Woods and Jesse James . . .

“The Salvatore brothers made me do it . . . and THEM.”

You know what ELSE I love about The Vampire Diaries?

A duh . . .

So, while tonight’s episode of “VD” wasn’t exactly my FAVORITE (No sexually tense Damon and Elena moments?  WTF!), it still managed to make me happy like nothing else on television today can (except for maybe True Blood, which won’t be back until this summer).  Let’s revisit the foreplay, shall we?

Elena & Stefan, Caroline & Matt – Swingers?

Truthfully, this was probably the dullest storyline of the evening.  But, seeing as Elena was heard, during the episode’s opening, bitching to Stefan about how she much she wishes her life was “normal,” I think that was kind of the point.  (Honey, take it from an expert.  Normal?  It’s WAY overrated!)

So, Stefan wants to prove to Elena that the two of them are a “normal” (i.e. “boring”) teenage couple.  Meanwhile, cloyingly insecure Caroline is beginning to have doubts as to whether her new beau, Matt, is over Elena, who also happens to be his ex.  Therefore, someone comes up with the “brilliant” idea that these two uber attractive couples should engage in one big fat orgy double date with one another.

“You know, Stefan . . . in the book version, Elena was BLONDE (hint, hint).”

The double date is kind of lame.  The group decides to hit up what is, apparently, the ONLY bar / restaurant / place to meet socially outside of school in Mystic Falls.  They do this, even though three members of the group aren’t old enough to legally drink, and the fourth should be too old to walk upright, without turning into a puddle of dust and bone, let alone have a beer.  Caroline, of course, gets jealous when Elena and Matt reminisce about their past.  So, Matt decides to make it up to her by screwing kissing her in Stefan’s hot red vintage sports car.  Stefan, meanwhile, stands idly by, acting all mature, and perfect, and well-adjusted.   ZZZZZZZZ.

Sorry Stefan.  This “healthy relationship” business  just isn’t going to work for me.  I prefer my men broken, tormented, and, generally, assholey . . .

Now THAT’S more like it!

Three-some’s a Crowd!

Speaking of Damon, his ULTRA-posthumous dumping by Elena’s doppelganger, Vampire Katherine, coupled with his getting his ass kicked by a girl (Vampire Pearl, to be exact), has left him in a seriously prickly mood.  And so, like the above-referenced foursome, he too went to that ONE AND ONLY BAR to drown his sorrows.  Soon, thereafter, he is  joined by Matt’s Slutty Mom, and Elena’s Aunt Jenna, who, apparently, was friends with Matt’s Slutty Mom, back when the two were teens.

OK, I’m sorry.  But this is really starting to bug me.  How old exactly is Aunt Jenna supposed to be?  I understand that she’s the sister of Elena’s deceased mother, but I always presumed her to be the MUCH YOUNGER sister (like late 20s, early 30s, tops).  (After all, the actress is virtually the same age as Nina Dobrev, who plays Elena.  And she LOOKS IT too.)  Now, I’m suddenly supposed to be believe that the girl pictured above is in her 40s?  Did I miss something here?  Is Aunt Jenna a vampire too, and nobody told me about it? 

Anyway, Damon, Matt’s Slutty Mom (I can’t recall whether they actually gave her a name yet), and Ageless Aunt Jenna, proceed to get totally sloshed at the bar.  Then things start to get all hot and flirty, as the trio practice knotting cherry stems with their tongues (a skill I desperately wanted to acquire at age 13.  And for that reason, probably STILL have an entire cherry tree of missed tries, lying at the bottom of my stomach).  Unfortunately, Tanked Aunt Jenna bails, and my hopes of seeing a hot menage walk out the door, right along with her.

Yeah, it never happened on THAT show either . . .  DAMN YOU, misleading trios!

After the bar, Damon takes Matt’s Slutty Mom (hereinafter “MSM”) back to his La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  And you gotta hand it to MSM.  This woman  is so secure in her own total sluttiness, that Damon doesn’t even have to compel her.  Within mere moments, he has thrown her up against the wall, and is about to bang and bite her brains out.  Unfortunately, Poor Damon gets cock blocked, when Elena and her Fabulous Foursome arrive back at the house.  (So, Stefan and Damon live together now?  I thought Stefan resided at his Now-Dead “Uncle”‘s house?  This show is getting to be more confusing than Lost . . .)

Welcome to the Fang House

“When you’re good to Mama, Mama won’t beat the sh$t out of you . . .”

Meanwhile, those 20 some-odd vampires, who recently broke out of the cemetery, after about 150 years of entombed imprisonment, are now holed up in some old farmhouse, which is run, with an iron fist, by Mama Pearl.  There, since they aren’t allowed to leave, the vamps all drink blood from the same source.  This Poor Matronly Lady!  The woman’s been mind controlled and bitten so many times by now, that her brain and entire body are probably the consistency of cottage cheese.  Not sexy! 

Yet, most of the vampires, like Hottie Harper (played by Sterling Sulieman), who we briefly met last week . . .

 . . . try to make the best of a bad situation, by reveling in new technology like TELEVISION and TEXT MESSAGING!  However, the EVIL VAMPIRES, like Frederick (played by Stephen Martines). . .

 . . . (who you just know is supposed to be bad news, because he wears black, and has overly tweezed eyebrows, that are perpetually pointed, like the one’s little kids draw to represent “angry people”), and his Random Not-Long-For-This-Show Girlfriend, aren’t having it.  After a brief tussle with Mama Pearl, Frederick and his Random-Not-Long-For-This Show Girlfriend break out of Fang House. 

And where does the Bad News Couple head first, you ask?  Well, ONE AND ONLY BAR in town, of course!  There, Frederick mistakes Elena for Vampire Katherine.  Then he tries to compel Aunt Jenna to let him bite her, only to learn that she is protected by vervain, and cannot be mind controlled.  Later, Frederick and his Random-Not-Long-For-This-Show Girlfriend, break into La Casa de Rich and Awesome by crashing through its window.  (I guess that’s one way around the “Vampires have to be invited inside” Rule . . .)

A fairly well-choreographed fight scene ensues between Frederick, Random Girlfriend (I just can’t type that name anymore.  It’s a good thing I’ll never have to use it again), Damon and Stefan.  Random Girlfriend gets her ass staked, winning the award for Senseless Death of the Episode.  Frederick, of course, escapes to Live and Re-Die another day . . . 

To Everything, Turn, Turn, Turn (Me into a Vampire)

In other news, Elena’s Little Bro, Jeremy (Steven McQueen, who has been looking unusually yummy, of late), is up in his room surfing for porn researching vampires.  A few episodes ago, Jeremy looked up the word “vampire” on that Wanna-Be-Google Search Engine, Bing.

This week, we found him, trolling for information in a Vampire Lovers Chat Room.  Seriously, a chat room?  Am I missing something?  Because I thought people stopped using “chat rooms” sometime around 1995 (which, interestingly enough, is probably when this Jeremy character is supposed to have been born). 

So, Jeremy is supposed to be this cool, former druggie, loner guy, right?  Why does he spend all his time sitting at the computer.  Shouldn’t he be sitting on the hood of a car in an abandoned parking lot, smoking cigarettes and looking “dangerous”, like the rest of his stereotype?

“Heyyyyyy! I resemble that remark!”

Fortunately, Jeremy doesn’t have to surf for porn research vampires for too long, because Vampire Anna has magically popped back into his life . . .

Fairly certain that Anna is an actual vampire, Jeremy begins testing the waters with her, by asking her probing questions about her family, and pointedly not inviting her into his home.  (HELLO!  You already invited her in last time, Jeremy!  She can come in whenever she wants now.  Read The Rules, Doofus!) 

 But things REALLY get interesting, when Jeremy “accidentally” takes a big ‘ole slice out of his hand with a knife in the kitchen.  (Now THAT’S an infection waiting to happen . . .)  Hungry Anna, who has, no doubt,  grown tired of sucking on that Old Lady (who knows where SHE’S been), is overtaken by desire, and sucks the heck out of Jeremy’s bloody hand.  The chemistry between these two is stellar.  And the scene is WAY hotter than it should be, especially considering it involves cannibalism and a really gory appendage . . .

When Anna demands an explanation from Jeremy as to why he goaded her into biting him, putting his own life at risk in the process, Jeremy shocks Anna by explaining that he wants her to  . . . TURN HIM INTO A VAMPIRE!

Tune in next week, when EVIL Vampire Frederick  (who, in addition to having angry pointy eyebrows is also, apparently, into S and M) decides to chain up and torture Stefan to “thank” him for getting the Fang House vamps locked in that tomb all those years ago . . .

Bite ya, later VDers!

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The Good, The Bad, and The Zombies – A Vampire Diaries Recap of “Fool Me Once”

There must be something in the water in TV Land this week. On Tuesday’s episode of Lost, there was much talk of “zombies.” Actually, the Lost zombies were not exactly of the “eat brains” variety.  Rather, they fell more into the “spiritually empty” realm of zombie-ism.  But they were zombies, nonetheless.

“On second thought . . . eating brains would be a really good way to reduce my carb intake.”

The “zombies” in tonight’s episode of The Vampire Diaries, however, were a bit more literal-minded. These entombed undead bloodsuckers certainly looked the part, with their vacant stares, cob-webbed attire, and skin falling-offy faces.

“Fool Me Once” was not exactly The Vampire Diaries’ prettiest episode, nor its strongest. There was a lot of bad and ugly here, and not all of it included Katherine’s decrepit, centuries-old, friends.  But there were definitely some highpoints to this, the last episode of the series, before it goes  on a month-long hiatus. So, without further adieu, let us separate the dead from the undead, shall we?

“Living” it Up in Motel Vampire

The episode begins with Elena waking up in a shabby motel room, to find vigilant Vampire Ben McKittrick holding her captive.  Or, at least, he would be vigilant, if he wasn’t fast asleep. A frightened Elena tiptoes toward the door. As you watch her, you just know Hot Bartender Vamp is going to jump out, give her a scare, and prevent her from leaving (the “fake escape,” is, after all, the oldest trick in the horror movie book).

When Ben does jump out for the obligatory scare, he tries to compel Elena to stay captive, by using that mind bendy thing they showed in the trailer. Of course, that ended up being a tease. Elena is still wearing her vervain necklace at the time, and, therefore, is immune to his “charms.”

Creepy Stalker Vamp Anna then jumps out and scolds Ben for his stupidity.  And, I have to say, given that they used such a hot actor to play Ben, I was a bit disappointed with the blandness of his two-episode character arc. (Stefan literally torched Hot Bartender Vamp at the end of this episode, so I’m pretty sure he’s gone for good.) Granted, The Vampire Diaries already has its share of sexy and brooding bad boys, but I think Ben had the potential to be more than Anna’s bumbling sidekick.

“I coulda been a contendah!”

Anyway, after suffering through what was officially the worst date ever, Bonnie is stuck slumming it in Motel De Vamp too. As it turns out, Vampire Anna has decided to use Elena and Bonnie as bait to get the Grinimore from Stefan.  (Is it just me, or is Elena used as “bait” in every single episode?)

With the help of Bonnie’s Witchy Grandma, Stefan finds the motel where Elena and Bonnie are being held captive, and rescues them by performing the heroic act of . . . wait for it . . . opening the window shades. Yeah, apparently, unlike Stefan, Damon, and Anna, D-list Vampire Ben not only cannot venture out doors during daylight, he cannot experience any sunlight whatsoever.

Back safe and sound at Witchy Grandma’s house, the Scooby Gang decides to help Damon to open the tomb, if only to get Creepy Stalker Vampire and her various D-list minions off their back. There is one problem with this.  After having been betrayed by the Scooby Gang in the last episode, Damon basically hates their guts . . . Elena offers to take one for the team, and reestablish with Damon the trust that has been broken between them.

“WOO HOO! YIPPEE! An Elena and Damon scene! I knew there was a reason I watched this show . . .”

It’s Just a Matter of Trust and Fashion Facilitation

One of the worst things about being single (for me anyway), is that there is no one there to help you unzip your dresses and secure the clasps on your bracelets and necklaces. Clearly, Elena Gilbert will never have this problem. In what was, of course, my favorite scene of the evening. Elena comes to Damon with her tail between her legs, ready to grovel.

Elena recognizes that Damon was more hurt by Elena’s betrayal at the cemetery last week than Stefan’s, due to the special connection these two have with one another. “You and I have something,” Elena explains, using as evidence the fact that Damon chose not to compel her when the two went down to Georgia together a couple of episodes ago.

“Who says, I didn’t,” challenges Damon, who gets some glee at seeing Elena flinch at his remark.

In a bold move to earn his respect and trust, Elena removes her vervain necklace, allowing Damon total control over her. Touched by the gesture, Damon moves toward her and takes the necklace. However, instead of tossing it away, he gently reattaches it to Elena’s neck. “I didn’t compel you in Atlanta, because we were having fun.  And I wanted it to be real.  I am trusting you.  Don’t make me regret it,” whispers Damon in Elena’s ear.

Wow . . . Please excuse me for a moment, while I wipe the drool off my keyboard . . .

The Lamest Party Ever

“Hey, what do you say we play a rollicking game of bingo when we get home?”

Remember shows like The O.C., where there was a party in every episode, and at every party there was at least one fight and one drug overdose? I do, and for that reason, I was massively disappointed by “Duke’s Cemetery Party.” After all, we had all the makings for a truly awesome party here.

For starters, it was at a cemetery filled with vampires.  Second, Tyler was there! And he likes to beat everyone up! Third, Jeremy was there! And he used to like to get wasted ALL THE TIME! Finally, new couple Matt and Caroline were there! Surely, I can count on them for some heavy petting and steamy necking.

What did I get instead? Tyler lecturing Jeremy about how he used to “be cool.” Jeremy moping around in the corner, mooning over Anna.  Sure, Vampire Ben ended up punching Jeremy’s lights out.  But it wasn’t nearly as much fun to watch as you would think.

And how about our hot new love couple: Matt and Caroline? Did they spend the episode heating up the screen with their newfound passion for one another? Not exactly. Instead, they made “Speeches” to each other and had in-depth philosophical conversations about how to make their relationship work. I  felt as though I had inadvertently changed channels away from my hot and sexy teen drama and, had instead found a talk show starring him . . .

This couple showed a lot of promise with their adorably sexy “car kiss” at the end of last weeks episode. However, the fact that they are already psychoanalyzing one another during the second week of their relationship, doesn’t bode well for them . . . AT ALL!

In Other, More Exciting, News . . .

Back at the tomb, Bonnie and her Grandma successfully complete the spell that will open the gates to Vampireland. Damon enters the tomb with Elena, who is accompanying him as, you guessed it, bait. You see, Damon fears that, without Elena, the witches will burn the tomb down with him still inside it. And we soon find out, that’s exactly what Granny plans to do.

When Vampire Anna rushes in after Damon to retrieve her Mommy, Grandma explains to Bonnie that the spell they cast will allow anyone to enter the tomb, but only humans, like Elena, to exit. While Damon is searching for Katherine, Anna finds her now Crypt Keeper-esque Mommy and tries to feed Elena to her. Elena screams out, causing Stefan to run to her rescue.

Now that a vampire they actually like is stuck in the tomb, Bonnie and Grandma are forced to open it for real. When they do, Anna and her mother rush out, as do Stefan and Elena. Unfortunately, an increasingly frantic Damon is still inside searching for Katherine.  Stefan returns to the tomb and drags a reluctant Damon out seconds before it closes.

Anna confesses to a heartbroken Damon that she always knew Katherine wasn’t in that tomb. Apparently, Anna had run into Katherine a few years back, and the latter seemed to have no intention of finding Damon again.  In a surprisingly sweet scene, Stefan returns home with Damon to comfort him over his heartbreak.

The Vampire Diaries = Ageist?

Back at La Casa de Bonnie, Grandma isn’t looking so hot. It seems that this evening of staying up late and casting spells has taken its toll on her.  When Bonnie leaves the room to get her grandmother tea, she returns to find her dead.

This really dusts my doilies! After all, Grandma was the only sensible non-vampire adult in the whole show (unless you count Jenna and Alaric, which I don’t). Not only was she smart, but she was tough as nails. After all, she beat the crap out of Damon using only her mind!Am I supposed to believe that a hardcore witch like this would meet her demise as a result of merely muttering a few words in Latin? Come on The Vampire Diaries, don’t you realize that old people can be fun? Haven’t you ever seen The Golden Girls?

. . or that awesome Snickers Superbowl commercial starring Betty White?

But I digress.  After a few heart-wrenching moments of mourning dear old Grandma, we return to the infamous tomb, which turns out to be not-so-much closed, as a zombie-esque decrepit dude finds out when he merely pushes lightly on the door . . .

Personally, I would have liked to see all the zombies emerge and do The Thriller dance here, because that would have been awesome.  But no such luck . . .

Well, there you have it folks . . . See you on March 25th!

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Vampires Get Puffy Eye Bags Too – A Vampire Diaries Recap of the Episode “Unpleasantville”

            Tonight’s retro, 50s themed episode of The Vampire Diaries was a sock-hopping, soda-popping, poodle skirt-wearing good time, for a number of reasons.  For one thing, we got to imagine what the stars of our favorite gothic teen drama would look like if they had, instead, been cast in a remake of Happy Days.  Starring Damon Salvatore as “The Fonz”!

Eyyyy!

            Secondly, this episode introduced us to a brand new piece of refreshingly recognizable eye candy, in the form of the always-yummy Sean Faris, who plays the hopefully recurring beverage-slinging “washed up ex-jock” / potential love interest of Bonnie / evil vampire, Ben McKittrick.

          Finally, we maintained the recent trend established in this show of one senseless death per episode.  Oh, Creepy Hoodie-Wearing Vampire, we hardly knew thee . . .

        With those three things in mind, let us sharpen up our fake fangs, smear some ketchup on our lips, and get on with the recap, shall we?

More Baby Mamma Drama for Elena

            Early on in the episode, Elena confronts Aunt Jenna about her revelations of the past week. 

(By the way, the writers kind of glossed over exactly how Elena broached this sensitive subject to her current guardian.  Perhaps it went something like this:  “Hey Auntie, my vampire boyfriend found out I was adopted, because he rescued me from the car crash that killed our parents, using his superhuman strength.  He then stalked me at the hospital to make sure I wasn’t his long-undead girlfriend from the Civil War era, who happens to look just like me.”) 

          Aunt Jenna confirms that Elena was, in fact, adopted.  According to Jenna, Elena’s biological mom was a teenage runaway who the Gilberts took into their home.  Elena’s dad, a doctor, delivered Elena, and when the runaway disappeared, the Gilberts, who had, up to this point, been unable to conceive a child, doctored the birth certificate and raised Elena as their own.  When pressed for further details, Jenna offers that Elena’s biological mother was named Isabel and that she had grown up right in their home town. 

            Later, we find out that Alaric’s wife, the woman tragically (killed?) (turned?) by Damon, was also named Isabel.  Coincidence?  Probably not, given how this show has progressed thus far.  And yet, this development raises some intriguing questions that will likely come into play as the series progresses.  Could Alaric be Elena’s biological father?  Could Damon?  (Ick, I hope not.)  How is Isabel (and, by extension, Elena) related to the currently entombed vampire Katherine?  Perhaps Isabel is still alive . . . or maybe even undead?

                Speaking of Alaric, he used his time as chaperone of the school dance to interrogate Damon as to the latter’s reasons for being in town.  Instantly suspicious, Damon tries his mind bendy trick on Alaric to ascertain his true intentions.  At first, Alaric’s interest in Damon seems genuinely innocent, and Damon is led off the scent.  However, later, we find that Alaric’s hands are filled with crushed vervain, making him immune to Damon’s hypnotic charms.  This begs the question, how much exactly does Alaric know about the Salvatore brothers?

Unlike Druggie Jeremy, Stepford Jeremy Doesn’t Do Vampire Love

            It appears that the total 180 Elena’s little brother has done, personality-wise, since Damon did that little mind-bendy thing on him, after Vicki’s untimely undead death has, in fact, stuck.  The former rebel is now getting A’s on extra credit papers, kissing up to teachers by offering them up precious and rare family heirlooms, and serving un-spiked punch at school dances.  In short, he’s become a nerd . . . and a celibate one at that.

            In fact, throughout the episode, Jeremy diligently fends off the advances of the increasingly needy-seeming home-school history buff, Anna.  However, it isn’t until Anna shows up at his school dance uninvited, and insists that he steal back his ancestor’s journal from his history teacher, so he can give it to her instead, that I started to really worry for the youngest Gilbert.  Visions of Fatal Attraction and boiled bunnies danced in my head. 

 

“I will not be ignored . . . Jeremy!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYpeKbHKVbU

            Then of course, Amy got those tell tale black lines on her face. And her eyes got all puffy and rimmed with dark circles.  Apparently, on Vampire Diaries, this is a sign of vampiric hunger.  But for me, that’s just what I happen to look like when I wake up in the morning.  Go figure!  As it turns out Amy is a “bad vampire” who teamed up with the Creepy Hoodie-Wearing Vampire who tried to kill Elena in last week’s episode, in order to free Katherine and the other vamps eternally locked underground in a tomb. 

Geez, how slutty was this Katherine?  Because apparently there wasn’t a vampire in Virginia, male or female who didn’t “hit” that one . . .

“Oh my God, you killed Creepy Hoodie-Wearing Vampire!  You Bastard!”

 

            Like another well-known slow walking, hoodie-wearing character, this episode introduced us to a guy who knows how to die, but can’t seem to stay dead.  When we first met this Vampire (i.e. he already died once), he had just been hit by Elena’s car, and appeared to be dead (again).  Then, he tried to kill Elena, before being stopped by Damon.  He starts off this episode by stalking Elena via cell phone.  In an effort to protect his girlfriend, Stefan provides her with her own family heirloom (Way to regift, d-bag!), a pocket watch that points out the whereabouts of nearby blood suckers.

            Later, as Elena prepares for the school dance, the pocket watch starts going haywire.  Elena understandably freaks out and calls Stefan, only to have Damon pick up the phone.  When Damon informs her that Stefan is on the way to her house, Elena relaxes, convinced that the pocket watch is merely illustrating the presence of her lover . . . that is until she finds Creepy Hoodie-Wearing Vampire lounging around on her ceiling.  Stefan quickly comes to her rescue, and the undead dude gets away.

            Stefan calls Damon. Then, the newly-formed Scooby Gang (every teen show has one) plot their revenge.  Recognizing that now that Creepy Hoodie-Wearing Vampire has been invited into Elena’s home (he posed as a pizza boy), and that he will not stop until he kills her, the trio decide to use Elena as bait at the dance in order to confront the guy.  Elena reluctantly agrees.  So, off to the dance we go.

            Things start off fairly normal, with Elena and Stefan sharing a slow dance, and Elena teasing Stefan about his age.  “You’re so teaching me the hand jive,” she insists.  (Elena, honey, I was still about three decades away from being born during the 50’s, and I know how to hand jive.  Like most self-respecting women, I learned from watching Grease.  And you call yourself a girl  . . .)

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcZjpGeHhR4

            Stefan soon leaves Elena alone and heads off to pursue a guy he thinks is Creepy Hoodie-Wearing Vamp.  (It ends up being a ruse).  Once alone, Elena receives a cryptic phone call, informing her that she must meet Creepy Hoodie-Wearing Vampire, or her brother dies. Elena walks into the trap and is attacked by “the hooded one,” who she stakes with a pencil, but to no avail.  (Aren’t they supposed to like, disintegrate, or something?  I mean it worked pretty well for Vicki and Lexi, right?)  Then both Stefan AND Damon come to the rescue, each taking turns fatally staking Hoodie Dude with available pointed objects.  The problem is . . . dude just won’t die.

            And so, the Scooby Gang takes this opportunity to interrogate the staked vamp about Katherine, who the latter claims to know.  According to this vamp, they will need Bonnie’s ancestor Emily’s Grimindor (sp? – Every time they mentioned this word on the show, I found myself thinking about Harry Potter’s House at Hogwarts, very similar name, right?) to free Katherine from the tomb. 

 

(If you recall, earlier in the episode Stefan agreed to help Damon free Katherine, provided the latter let the other entombed vampires die, and left town.  Later, an unusually devious Stefan revealed to Elena that he had no intention of helping Damon with his nefarious plan.)

            With one last staking Creepy Hoodie-Wearing Vampire FINALLY dies and all is right in the world.  Or is it?

A Date with a Vampire

            After setting her sights on the older man (the question is how much older, years . . . or centuries), Bonnie strikes up some flirtatious conversation with Ben McKittrick, a former high school football star who now tends bar in town.  Eventually Bonnie gets the courage to ask her crush out  . . . for karaoke night?  (Note to Bonnie:  unless you are Jordin Sparks, this is a terrible — I repeat, terrible — idea for a first high school date.)  McKittrick declines the opportunity to be the next Vampire Idol, but agrees to date Bonnie elsewhere. 

            However, just in case you were getting excited about the blossoming romance between these two, moments later McKittrick is attacked by none other than Jeremy’s creepy home schooled vamp friend, Anna.  However, instead of killing him, she kisses him.  As it turns out, these two are a blood-sucking vampiric item, equally intent on freeing Katherine from her underground grave.  So much for a healthy relationship, Bonnie . . .

Caroline Gets Her Man

            In the “living” relationship world, Caroline finds herself repeatedly frustrated by her “friend” Matt.  Apparently, Matt’s inability to get over Elena, and his seeming unwillingness take things to the next level with Caroline, are becoming a major buzz kill for the blond vixen.  When Matt gives Caroline the cold shoulder, Caroline confronts him.  Matt explains to her that he is not ready to enter into another relationship, using the classic cop out line, “It would just ruin our friendship.” 

          Having, personally, both said and received this line, I can tell you firsthand, it usually isn’t taken well.  And this time is no exception.  Caroline declares the pair’s friendship over and storms out.

            Moments later, in a move that seems custom-made for teen dramas and romantic comedies, Matt follows Caroline out with his car, and before she can yell at him some more, he pulls her in for a romantic kiss right in the middle of the street.  After doing this, he says, “This will never work,” before kissing her some more.  Yeah, we know, Matt . . . but it is fun to watch, anyway . . .

            And that was our show, in a nutshell . . .  Tune in next week, when we go further back in time to analyze Slutty Vampire Katherine’s origins.

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