Fortune may, in fact, favor the bold, Werebangers. But only the Bold and the Beautiful. Not the Bold and the Moronic . . .
Whether you’re an athlete, a writer, a sexual Adonis, or a trained assassin, dreaming big is admirable. But starting small will give you much greater odds at achieving success in the long run.
It’s a shirtless marathon, not a shirtless sprint.
Preserve your resources. Set manageable goals. Practice. No sense blowing your load, only to find yourself totally unprepared, just when the stakes are at their highest . . .
In this week’s installment of Teen Wolf, our scrappy Scooby Gang each, in their own way, grappled with this very important life lesson . . .
Both Kira and Papa Argent learned that flying solo, and not being a team player, can have dire consequences . . .
Lydia learned that small numbers can lead to large discoveries.
Scott and Liam learned that impulsivity and jumping to conclusions, often leads to bad decision making.
And Little Baddies, Garrett and Violet, learned that greedy egomaniacs make for super sh*tty assassins. Don’t walk before you can run. And don’t try to kill an Alpha, when a Beta is worth almost as much cash . . .
Let’s recap, shall we?
[As always, a big howling shout out to Andre, whose supernaturally brilliant screencapping abilities would undoubtedly garner him a dangerously high rank on the Beacon Hills Deadpool, if the Benefactor was aware of his existence (or enjoyed reading completely obscure Teen Wolf recaps in his or her spare time).]
And . . . another one bites the dust . . .
Poor, sweet, blonde Carrie Hudson.
We barely knew yee . . . or yee hand.
For what it’s worth, C-Dog, it was your haircolor that doomed you to death. Blondes have historically fared ridiculously poorly on this show . . . where it seems that fortune, in fact, favors the brunette . . . and, in some cases, the ginger . . .
(My personal theory on this, is that Jeff Davis once had a blonde boyfriend, who did him particularly dirty.)
Also, Carrie, not to be rude to the deceased, but at 23, you are most certainly old enough to know not to take car rides, from guys who look like the Mild Mannered Serial Killer / Rapist from pretty much every episode of Law and Order:SVU I have ever seen . . .
“The Sun, the Moon, the Truth,” repeat both Carrie the Blonde and DeMarco the Creepy Beer Distributor, just moments before their respective untimely demises?
More like The Headless, the Handless, and the “just enough cliched pre-death lines to earn you a SAG card . . .”
I’m going to go out on a limb here, and guess that Stiles’ “red taped” unsolved mystery crime board looks nearly identical to the storyboard currently housed in the writers room at Teen Wolf headquarters. That said, as far as methods of revealing painstakingly complex plot synopses in a somewhat natural manner go, this one was pretty solid. As Stiles basically recapped the first few episodes of Season 4 of Teen Wolf to his dad, us fans learned a few new tidbits about the series’ mythology that hadn’t yet been explicitly revealed in the context of the story proper. For one thing, the code name “Allison,” that Lydia discovered at the end of last week’s episode, only cracked a third of the Deadpool Code. This would explain why known supernaturals, like Peter Hale, Malia, and Kira’s mom, weren’t on the first list.
We also learned the reason why Derek’s and Scott’s numeric “value” seemed so much lower than, say, the random wendigo family killed in the first episode. Basically, the reason is that, unlike the apparently lame wendigos, whose deaths were only worth $250K a piece (chump change), Derek’s and Scott’s decapitated, pretty, but not particularly bright, brains are worth . . . wait for it . . . millions of dollars . . .
Any chance the actual benefactor is Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers series?
Also worth millions dead, and much less alive? Kira, Lydia, and pretty much anyone else with top billing on this show. (I wonder if the cast members have tried using their deadpool $ amounts to negotiate their salaries for next season. Just a thought . . .)
Apparently, all these seemingly random monetary sums are meant to add up to $117 million, which is precisely the amount “stolen” (Though I’m still not entirely convinced that Peter Hale didn’t orchestrate the entire thing.), from the Hale vault at the end of Episode 2 . . .
Given all that, the task of our Scooby Gang and the Beacon Hills PD should be pretty easy, right? Decode the rest of the Deadpool, save the lives of a few supernaturals, and/or use them as bait to capture and eventually bring down The Benefactor, thus foiling his (or her) master plan to rid California of hot sexy shirtless folks with bad teeth and really unnatural looking colored contacts . . .
Correction, it would be easy, if Banshee Lydia spent more time using her supposedly “genius” IQ to crack the codes, and less time doodling and getting hypnotized by record players (which, for what its worth, folks her age shouldn’t even know how to work, seeing as I’m pretty sure that nobody in the world has played a record since sometime in the mid 80’s.)
“I was gonna crack the code, but I got high . . . I was going to save all my friends from death, but I got high. Now, I’m the only castmate left on the show, and I know why, yeah, because I got high, because I got high, because I got high . . .”
My, what a big stick you have!
“Wise I am, totally platonic, our relationship is . . .”
Promptly stepping into Danny’s shoes as the oddly perceptive (not to mention good at getting unsightly stains out of carpets) “token gay friend,” new guy Mason casually remarks on how odd it is that Creepy Garrett seems to be lying about where he lives, and Creepy (but hot) Liam is likely on drugs, based on his more-hyperactive-than-usual tendencies, sudden inexplicable bursts of energy, and Hulk-like strength. He also brings Liam some Bad News. It turns out the Beacon Hills lacrosse team is scheduled to scrimmage none-other-than Liam’s old snotty, rich kid, prep school . . . you know, the one he got kicked out of for vandalizing his coach’s car.
To say Liam is unhappy with this turn of events is the understatement of the century . . .
. . . and . . . to make matters worse, he heads off to the locker room to blow off some steam, only to find this hot older guy malevolently fondling his stick!
“Grrrr! Get your grubby paws off my big stick.”
Silly Liam! It was just a tease! Worry not, because Daddy Scott has your stick (and your balls) safe and sound in his possession! And they can never be broken, or stroked without your consent! At least, not on his watch!
Derek watches this exchange between Wolf Daddy and Wolf Baby and finds it positively adorable! In fact, I don’t think I’ve seen Derek this happy, since the first time he learned how to use a cigarette lighter . . .
Elsewhere in school, Kira’s dad also engages in a fatherly display of advice to his daughter. “I don’t care if someone is paying professional assassins millions of dollars to murder you, playing high school lacrosse is much more DANGEROUS,” he warns.
“Orange is the new black, and red is new dead!”
And they say fathers no longer know best . . .
Intermittent Explosive Disorder (It’s not just the punchline to your bathroom jokes anymore . . .)
I’m not going to lie, when Liam admitted to Scott and Stiles that he suffered from Intermittent Explosive Disorder, following a rather tense run-in with his old prep school rival, and an impromptu trip fully clothed into the showers, I thought Stiles was going to hand him a bottle of Immodium or some Gas-X, and call it a day.
“Please don’t mind my young friend, Liam. He may seem angry and unstable, but actually he just suffers from explosive diarrhea.”
But apparently, IED a real DSM-diagnosed disease endured by people with SERIOUS anger management issues. The kind of people who completely destroy their coach’s car, just because he benched them from a few high school lacrosse games . . .
Geez, and we thought Derek had a knack for picking mentally unstable Betas to join his pack . . .
Liam calmly confesses that the reason he doesn’t take his anti-psychotic meds is that they make him sluggish, and unable to perform well at sporting events . . . It’s actually a common complaint of bipolar patients and sufferers of various forms of schizophrenia. Manic episodes, for all their inherent danger, are actually oddly pleasurable to mania sufferers. They make them feel alive, strong, even invincible . . . almost like . . . you know . . . werewolves . . .
To make matters worse, our Scooby Gang has just learned that (1) Surprise! Blonde Carrie’s killer was a lacrosse player, who cleverly hid his murder weapon inside a lacrosse stick (I guess to prevent fingerprints, or just because he had to one up his girlfriend, whose murder weapons double as fashion accessories, and who has access to rare strains of wolfsbane.), and (2) that killer may or may not be Liam’s “good pal” Garrett.
Elsewhere on school grounds, Derek and Chris discuss the inevitable “intermittent explosion” that is were-jaguar Kate, how awkward it will be for Chris to have to basically put-down his own sister, and how inconvenient it is for Derek that Kate has apparently, not only stolen his balls, but also his trusty werewolf powers.
This is going to end badly . . .
It’s game time, Lacrosse Fans! Lets whack around some balls, settle some old scores, and stab some folks with wolfsbane-laced lacrosse sticks . . .
Kira would gladly enter the fray to help her boy toy Scott, but she just got benched for being a ball hog. Typical fox! Always biting off more than she can chew (hint, hint, wink wink) . . .
In the center of the field, tensions are high when Liam majorly clashes with his prep school arch rival, and is badly injured, leading Papa Scott to believe that Sneaky Garrett snuck in and wolf-stabbed his ass.
But nope, just a garden-variety wrist break . . . Scott will fix that right up . . .
Pop! All better!
Preppy Douchebag, however, is much less lucky . . . because HE’S ACTUALLY A WEREWOLF, AND GARRETT’S TARGET THE WHOLE TIME!
(Phew, that was close! I thought Good Ole Garrett was actually going to murder someone I sort of / kind of cared about!)
But Preppy Douchebag’s not dead yet. Instead, the Surprise Beta is sleeping off his wolf poison in the locker room, when guess who comes by to make a bigger mess of things.
Hey Evil Necklace Chick! It’s time for a Little Decapitation Vacation. (Here’s hoping she washes that thing in between murders. Because, EWWW!)
Then, in comes Scott to save the day, causing Evil Violet’s eyes to become blinded by dollar signs. She turns her nasty blood gunked necklace on the True Alpha, only to have him casually rip it from his neck, which, by the way, is a ten times cooler True Alpha trick than that bubble popping thing he did a couple seasons back.
“Listen, for the last time, I’m not wearing your ugly ass necklace, no matter how many times you ask. I already have a girlfriend!”
“Well, why didn’t you just say so?”
Preppy Douchebag and Scott are both safe!
Evil Violet is down for the count . . .
. . . but, unfortunately not dead . . . you know . .. because there are still a few more episodes left in the season, and it’s too early to eradicate her ass . . . I guess.
Meanwhile, over at the Sheriff’s Station . . .
Just Hurry Up and Banshee Already!
Poor Lydia, she’s a popular girl, wealthy, a straight A student. This is someone used to getting what she wants, be it good grades, great clothes, flawless hair, jocks with big muscles. She’s not used to failure. And her new banshee powers seem to be setting her up for nothing but . . .
Vampires, were-whatevers, witches, warlocks, wizards . . . their supernatural powers are designed to make them winners. Their resumes include talents like superhuman strength, perpetual youth, light speed, mind control, magic . . .
Lydia’s powers make her a screamer, really morbid, and mildly schizophrenic. They make her an outcast . . . and the fact that she hasn’t yet mastered them, when her friends need her abilities most, just makes this whole thing more of a drag on everyone’s favorite red-head.
And so, it’s time to call for some reinforcements . . .
Because Meredith is much less grounded in what most of us would call the Natural World (in fact, she gives me the impression of being somewhere on the higher end of the autism spectrum), she’s quite a bit more open and attuned to what appears to be the Banshee Friends and Family Cell Phone Network, which Lydia, unwittingly used to “call” Meredith in her evident distress. Of course, the Banshee Network doesn’t involve actual phones, a concept “smart” Lydia fails to grasp, when she proceeds to shove an iPhone in poor Meredith’s face and scream at her to “call someone.”
And because Meredith is not particularly verbal and can’t necessarily explain herself in a way that most non-banshees would understand, she simply does what she’s told, offering up the number to correspond to the answer she sees in her head to the question Lydia is incessantly asking.
It’s a testament to how brain-fried and frustrated this whole failed-Banshee thing is making Lydia, that the girl who speaks ten languages, and can usually crack codes and translate ancient texts like its nobody’s business (We saw her decode something similar with Stiles using a periodic table to spell out Kira’s name, early on, last season), can’t look past the surface of what Meredith is saying to its hidden meaning.
Perhaps, that’s also the reason that Malia, who, by everyone’s estimation is much less educated and not nearly as book smart as Lydia, deciphers Meredith’s numerical list almost instantly. After all, for Malia, a girl who spent half her life as a literal animal, nothing is as it seems. Everything is code. Everything has hidden layers, rules, and meanings that she can’t even begin to decipher, despite the fact that her friends seem to understand them almost inherently.
“What if its like algebra?” She posits calmly. “What if the numbers stand for letters?”
Another code name . . . another dead friend of poor Lydia’s . . . another crack at another third of the list .. . .
I think someone owes Ms. Meredith an apology, don’t you, Lydia?
Of course, the big reveal here was what most of us suspected, ever since the hot Deputy blustered onto the scene, making strange speeches about how he was drawn to Beacon Hills, how young he looks for his age (not really . . . looks his age to me, except for the fact that all the teenagers in his town look 7 to 10 years older than they are supposed to be), dismantling bombs like its no one’s business, and speaking about tomahawks, intuitionists, and other things that are seemingly before his 24-year time on Earth.
That’s right, Werebangers. Deputy Parrish is a supernatural. The question is, what kind?
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he’s a Phoenix. One who rises from the ashes, each time he dies, always looking exactly the same as he did at his first death. It would explain his old timey vocabulary, his almost eerily calm manner, and his seeming attachment to death (like Lydia) and fearlessness when it comes to coming in contact with explosives.
What say you, Teen Wolf Fans?
“We Hunt Those Who Hunt Us.”
Not too long ago, Allison posited a new maxim for her much-diminished werewolf hunting family of two. “We fight for those, who can’t fight for themselves,” she offered.
Papa Chris seemed to like it. But Allison’s gone, and her maxim did little to keep her alive long enough to see much past her 18th birthday.
And now Chris, truly alone in this world, must answer to the Calavares’ and their old school hunter ways. Embracing the old hunter maxim would force Chris to betray the same folks who have become his allies in recent days, his surrogate family: Scott, Derek, Lydia, even Stiles, all of whom are now in the position to hunt hunters, must hunt them, in fact, to keep themselves alive.
“Come to the darkside. We have pizza . . . and burritos!”
So, which maxim will he follow?
Only time will tell . . . time, and this admittedly awesome trailer for the second half of this season . . .
Until next time, Werebangers!