Tag Archives: Derek

The Shadow Knows . . . – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Riddled”

stiles in strife

 

honeybadger dont care

Source

“The Riddler” . . . not exactly one of  the Batman franchise’s most impressive villains.  For one thing, he seemed totally redundant.  I mean, why would Gotham need another “Joker-type” when it already had the Best Joker Ever?

good at something

Second, “The Riddler’s” modus operandi was basically asking his adversaries inane questions . . . making him seem much less like a Denizen of Evil, and much more like your Annoying High School Algebra Teacher . . .

old riddler

But, more than anything, “The Riddler” just looked lame . . .  with the scrawny body, the bad ginger haircut,  the head-to-toe neon green spandex suit with those stupid question marks all over it.  This was a man meant to evoke fear in the hearts of comic book geeks the world over?  He looked more like an out-of-shape cage dancer you’d find working at a gay nightclub catering to the over-70 crowd .  . .

gay dancing riddler

Teen Wolf too has had problems in the past creating truly terrifying looking baddies.  I mean, they always got off to a promising start.  Who could forget the mesmeric druid chanting of the Darach . . . the growls of the Alpha pack and the bloody marks they left in their wake .  . . or hushed talk of the unstoppable, all powerful Demon Wolf?

demon wolf

But then, when these evil doers finally made their way to center stage, their appearances were . . . well .  . . a bit underwhelming, to say the least . . .

cyber smurf

voldemorteet

funny face grandpa

In a sense, Season 3B’s Big Baddie is a comment on all the poorly executed villains of Teen Wolf past.  He’s a Riddler done right .  . .

whose behind the mask

Sure, just like a certain Batman character, the Nogitsune speaks in puzzle, using his words as weapons.  His war against the Scooby Gang is one waged, not on it’s body, but rather against it’s mind, soul and, perhaps most importantly, it’s heart.

crying stiles

But unlike the Baddies before him, the Nogitsune’s appearance is truly terrifying, mainly because it has no appearance at all!  By lingering in the darkness,  and shrouding itself in shadow, the Nogitsune becomes no one and everyone all at once.  He (or she) embodies all of our deepest most secret fears, and tosses them back at us in the form of a mirror showing us our darkest, most despicable, selves  . . .

whose behind the mask 2

He also has really f*&ked up teeth . . . and f&*ked up teeth are the worst .  . .

nogitsune teeth

So, come out of the shadows, Werebangers; and be sure to bring your thinking caps . . .  and some dentures,  because it’s time to get “Riddled” . . .

[Once again, a special thanks go out to Andre the Most Powerful and Talented Screencapper in all the Land . . . also the first person I would call at 4 a.m., if I ever found myself trapped in a coyote den having schizophrenic conversations with myself . . .]

Wish you were here . . .

Poor Stiles!  He’s on a Bad Trip.  And I’m not talking about the usual garden-variety bad trip . . . the kind where the pillow smells like feet, the blanket has bed bugs, the pool is being fumigated, the baby in the room next store won’t stop crying, and you are positive the housekeeping staff is stealing your toiletries.  I’m talking about the Wrong Turn, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House of Wax, Evil Dead kind of Bad Trip . . .  the kind that usually ends with you rotting away in a forest, missing a few of your most prized body parts . . .

crawling

 

panic now

Stiles wakes up in the middle of the night to find himself in a dark, fetid smelling place, with no clue where he is or how he got there.  What’s worse,  he’s injured and can’t escape.  What’s even worse than that?  He’s pretty sure he’s not alone . . .

wake uppppp stiles

Stiles still has his trusty cell phone though!  And in Beacon Hills, even the Depths of Hell, apparently, get pretty decent cell reception.  So, Stiles does what any of us would do in a situation like this.  He calls . . . The Hottest Girl.

hot girl

Even under the best of circumstances, Scott is not exactly a brainchild.  And he’s hindered here by a sleep-fogged mind, and the almost incoherent,garbled ramblings of a confused and clearly terrified Stiles.   But Scott still does his honest best to keep his bestie calm, and find out the information he needs to find his pal quickly, and keep him from harm.

wazzuuuup

wazzup

The problem, of course, is that the call keeps getting disconnected!  And whenever Scott calls him back, it goes straight to voicemail!   Time to switch to Verizon, Scott!  (Hmmm, I wonder if I can get product placement money for saying that.)

can you hear me now scott

hear me now

 

 

Scott wakes up the new Robin to his Batman (who also happens to be currently boning his ex), Isaac, so that the two can be useless and ineffective together in finding their pal.  (You know what they say, two half-brains is better than one!)

i think i just

“I think I just pissed my self.”

orly

“Me too!”

But Stiles is no dummy.  He knows that if he wants to increase his odds of being found, he has get someone with above-average IQ on the case as well.  And so we head to Beacon Hills High, where Lydia and Aiden are engaged in some Sexy Naked Painting Times to the tune of Sexy Retro Music from not-so-retro Bose Speakers, without the threat of being found by school security, because,  as Lydia rightly notes,  “No one in their right mind would take a nightshift job at the High School Where All Extras Die Gory and Painful Deaths.”

thinker

 

the_thinker

 

lydia smirk

 

“Screw this Banshee Crime Fighting Sh*t.  I’m going to art school!”

And then, just when it seems like things are about to get a little X Rated, Stiles, whose possession by the Nogitsune has apparently armed him with Magical Cockblocking Abilities, chimes through the speakers with a Very Important Message: DON’T HAVE SEX WITH THAT DOOFUS FORMER ALPHA AGAIN, WHEN YOU COULD BE TAKING MY VIRGINITY FROM ME. “HELP FIND ME!”

sexy time

artschool

standing

bose

 

hi stiles

 

“Hey Lydia!  It’s me . . . Stiles .  . . climbing through your speakers . . . snatching up your sex life.  The usual.”

Come quick, Lydia/ Daphne!  Stiles/Velma and the rest of your Scooby Gang need you!

dammit

deflated balloon

The Cats in the Cradle

You ever play that game when you were a kid?  The one where you and a friend would hold a single string together, and use it to form a series of unrelated images, the chief of which being a baby cradle, and a cat’s eye, which all somehow wove together to tell a very abstract, loosely defined, story?

ep 9 obviously stiles

There’s a bit of childlike innocence in Stiles’ obsession with the red yarn, and his use of it to weave together “unsolved cases” in Beacon Hills.  It’s almost as if there’s a part of Stiles that believes that by physically connecting a series of unrelated incidents together with a strand of yarn, he can somehow forge a literal connection between them.

pulling strings

It’s also kind of f*&ked up.  Seeing the strands of red yarn, each connecting  from a gruesome picture on his bedside wall to his bedpost, one can’t help but be reminded of every episode of Law and Order: SVU she ever saw, where the bad guy inevitably gave away his identity by having similarly lousy taste in room decoration.

crazy board

4 12 psycho handbook

 

But, as Lydia notes when she and the Scooby Gang convene in Stiles’ yarn-warped bedroom, Stiles’ Yarn Art may very well be more than a childish pipedream, or even the workings of a diseased mind.  Stiles may be offering his friends up a clue to all the wacked out things that have happened in the town over the past few years.  Could the Nogitsune be the cause of all of them?  Could the Nemeton?

likes you  a lot

 

the picture 1

 

the picture 2

 

evil tree

 

After rightly lecturing Scott for listening to an addled-brained Stiles’ advice,  and not telling the teen’s own father he’s missing, Lydia decides to remain behind, amidst the yarn of Stiles’ psyche, in hopes that she alone might be able to decipher the message her partner in crime has been desperately trying to convey.

red unsolved

 

colored strings

If only Stiles was around to see how easy it was to get Lydia to more spend time on his bed . . .

teen wolf allison argent stiles

It’s Just Me, Myself, and I

With the flashlight app from his cellphone casting the only light in his world of darkness, and his foot bare and bloodied inside a coyote trap, Stiles’ schizophrenia / multiple personality disorder / existential crisis gets a bit more literal,  when a bandaged figure crouched in the corner of Stiles’ prison, scratches the Oni “Self” tattoo onto the wall in white chalk, in between what appears to be two crude drawings of eyes.  Then the figure cackles demonically and disappears, as the “self” mark evaporates, and Stiles is left alone with nothing but his smelly bloody feet and those pesky judgy eyes . . .

shin light

 

“Hey buddy, you got a first aid kit in here?  I could really use a band-aid?”

bloody foot

 

ust chillin

 

“No bandaid.  Just the entire roll of toilet paper wrapped around my head.”

disappearing self

damon dont judge

But who is Stiles’ true Self anyway?  Is he the scared kid lying on the floor in the middle of the night?  The crazy kid with all the yarn over his bed?  The goofy guy who everyone thought was funny, but no one took seriously?  The smart guy who solves all the mysteries for the Scooby Gang?  Or the freaky guy with toilet paper wrapped around his head, who draws all his “S’s” backwards?

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

And just like that, this show just got a whole lot more Meta . . .

Wack-a-doodle

It’s kind of refreshing to see that Scott’s douchey dad has become the Town Joke, after he spent the first few episodes trying to make Stiles’ dad look like the crazy one.  With his jacket wrapped around him like a cape, due to his broken arm, Papa McCall storms into the Sheriff’s office and tries to give the new deputy hell for not following up on his description of the “Caped Crusader” that massacred his arm last week.

daddy o

The Deputy smiles smugly as he inclines his head toward the two Wanted Posters behind him, both of which look more like those “Learn to Draw Cartoon” advertisements you find in the back of comic books, than renderings of actual criminal masterminds.  One picture looks like a cross between a Cowboy and a Pirate.  The other looks like a cross between a Ninja and Darth Vader.

haha

 

darth vader

“Hey dipshit,” the Deputy tells Agent McCall, more or less.  “Maybe if you pulled your head out of your ass long enough to listen to the police radio, every once in a while, you’d know that nobody gives two craps about the Ninja that clipped your wing, when the Sheriff’s son has gone missing on the coldest night of the year . . . .”

going to die

At the hospital, the cops have located Stiles’ jeep, but it’s been abandoned and the batteries are dead.  Surprisingly enough, it’s Derek of all people, who makes himself the most useful, by smelling Stiles’ body odor on the rooftop of the hospital, and concluding that he smells “stressed.”

on the roof sniffing

 

“Smells like Teen Spirit.”

Well thank you, Captain Obvious!   I’m glad you are here to tell me he’s stressed.  Because the last five times we’ve seen Stiles on screen, he’s seemed downright chipper to me!

winky stiles

In all seriousness though, Derek wins MVP of this episode for being the first member of the Scooby Gang to correctly ascertain that Stiles is struggling for control of his body against the Nogitsune trying to possess it, and make it do  Very Bad Things!  He proves himself further useful later, by explaining to Kira that her Electric Light Show with Barrow might have been the precise spark the Nogitsune needed to make that possession possible.

derek to andre

 

“I rule!”

Hey Sterek fans?  Do you think it’s possible that Secret Sex has the ability to transfer IQ points?  Because Derek seems to have gone and become intelligent on us all of the sudden?  Who’dda thunk it?

sterek next to eachother

 

“Was it as good for you as it was for me?”

Back on Stiles’ bed,  Lydia decides to play banjo with Stiles’ Crazy Strings,  and somehow comes up with the idea that Stiles might be trapped in an insane asylum.  Why? Because the Crazy Strings told her so!

touching string

Dear sweet Lydia,  Stiles might not be the only one who ends up trapped in an insane asylum by the end of this season.

now im crazy gg plotholes

On the bright side, the two of you could share a cell, and spend your days drawing one another crazy pictures!  Now, if that’s not True Love, I don’t know what is!

lyd and sty

stydia kiss 6

 

Ooh, how embarrassing!  Lydia gets the entire police force to search for Stiles in the basement of the insane asylum and he was never there!

not there

lydia brave tatikatelena

Or was he . . . .?

self

 

mischeivous stiles

My What Big Teeth You Have?

Alter Egos can be a real pain in the ass, sometimes.  And Stiles’ alter ego is the worst!  First of all, Dude doesn’t shut up.  Yammering on in Japanese, then English, then Japanese again, spouting off stupid riddles that no one cares about.  “When is a door not a door?”  “Everyone has it but no one can use it?”  “Hey,  watch my magic trick, where I make the trap on your foot switch legs!”

stiles alphabet 1 allisonargents

 

stiles alphabet2 allisonargents

What a douchebag!

He’s basically the kid from the Jerry MacGuire movie, only slightly less adorable . . .

Then, he gets all up in Stiles face with his  janky teeth and bad breath,  and tells him that “we” have to save ourselves, or “we” are going to die.

 

2 16 damon says stop talking

Now, that’s just rude.   There’s no “we” about Stiles Situation.  Bad Teeth Guy doesn’t have his leg trapped in a coyote trap?  Bad Teeth Guy is warm and cozy in his rotten bandages, so HE’S NOT FREEZING TO DEATH in a thin cotton t-shirt.  Bad Teeth Guy can just get up and leave anytime he pleases.

In fact, he’s doing it right now, dragging Stiles across the floor, like it’s no big deal.

shut up

 

“This is really not very sanitary!”

Outside of Hell, Papa McCall has somehow used his vital life experiences of getting drunk and peeing in closets, because he was convinced they were toilets, to find Stiles in a coyote den.

Wait, what?  Did I miss a connection here?

here's a story about my pee

 

“So, basically, what I’m trying to say is that, all this time you thought I was just a bastard and a bad drunk, I was really a super hero whose pee possessed magical powers.”

So, according to Papa McCall, Stiles was sleepwalking and wandered right into the coyote den, where they found the pretty chick from The Secret Circle a few episodes back, and where the cops apparently sprayed some stinky stuff, to keep the animals, but not the Nogitsune, at bay.  And the poor guy’s basically been sleeping this whole time.  In fact, he may very well have been sleeping all through Season 3B.

rescued

That’s fine.  But it doesn’t explain the abandoned jeep, or the stinky sweat smell on the hospital roof .  . . or the Crazy Strings, or the “S” on the insane asylum wall, or what it was about Papa McCall’s laundry basket that made it look so much like his toilet . . .

gameovertoiletBig

Color me confused . . .

BatMan Strikes Again . . .

Derek wanders into Beacon Hills High, as he is wont to do on occasion, hijacks Kira, and takes her back to the site of her almost-electrocution.

kira and derek

Ahhhh . . . memories!  There, they find Stiles’ Magical Metal Bat, which has been magnetized and possibly possessed by evil demons, much like Stiles’ brain .. .

bat the bat

im batman haa

Speaking of Stiles’ brain, back at the hospital, Mama McCall finally breaks the news to Papa Stilinski that his son might be suffering from the same degenerative brain disorder that killed his mother ten years earlier.  Papa Stilinski is understandably devastated, but admits he’s been suspecting the same thing for quite awhile.   They agree to have some tests done at the hospital.

sad dad

 

“I think I liked it better when my son was solely used on this show for comic relief.”

Not cool, Teen Wolf writers.  Stiles’ brain is too cute to be fried, scrambled,  hard boiled, or sunny side up, maybe.  But never fried!

broken eggs

Fix this, Jeff Davis!  And fix it fast!  Or I’ll personally see to it that all your breakfast bacon is burnt for all eternity!

gives me joy

S.O.S. – Save Our Stiles

As Stiles waits to endure his MRI, he and Scott speak honestly about his possible condition: frontal temporal dementia, which is basically incurable . . . unless, of course, you have a powerful Alpha Werewolf Friend with the power to bite your brain, and make it healthy again.  The two lifelong best friends embrace, as their parents look-on sadly, in this quietly devastating scene that is possibly one of the series’ strongest to date . . .

bromance

A word about frontal temporal dementia . . . After reading a bit about it, am I the only one who thinks the symptoms don’t seem all that consistent with Stiles’ and his mother’s at all?

great cap

For one thing, they both seem much too young,  considering the disease tends to afflict most individuals in their 50s and 60s, while Stiles is still a teenager, and his mother passed in her early 30s.  For another, sleep paralysis, hallucinations, insomnia, none of these are listed as common symptoms of frontal temporal dementia.  In fact, they are more common symptoms of other diseases . . . like, say, a brain tumor . . .

not a tumor

So, now I’m thinking that either Jeff Davis an Co., didn’t do their web MD homework, before choosing their character’s ailments, or BOTH Stiles and his mom never had frontal temporal dementia at all.  Rather, they are/were both suffering from something else .  . . something everyone has but no one can lose . . . the Shadow of the Nogitsune.

crying stiles in hos

Though,  I guess the MRI they show of Stiles’ brain toward the end of the episode would beg to differ with me . . .

thanks mommy the mri

What do I know, I’m not a doctor . . . I’m just the recapper.

doctor-bot-operation

Speaking of symptoms . . .

Lydia appears to be suffering from a really bad migraine.

lyd screams

Did I say migraine?  I meant MRI / brain hijacking sympathy pains for Stiles.

 

It’s not easy being a banshee . . .

In which the Bad Guys Win . . .

Inside the MRI machine, Stiles faces off with Toilet Paper Head, FINALLY solves that stupid riddle (“It’s a SHADOW, DAMMIT!”), and gets to meet the man behind the Charmin for all his trouble.

eyes open

And the guy dressed up in the lame Mummy Halloween costume with the funky-looking teeth is .  . .

great shot

toilet paper on floor

good stiles

STILES?!

bad stiles more

 

BabyScared

Wait . . . what?

take off shadow

So, Stiles has an evil doppelganger?  What is this The Vampire Diaries?  All I know is if someone starts talking about “Saving Elena” I’m changing the channel . . .

shadow self

All kidding aside, Evil Stiles is both super cool, and extremely terrifying.  Real Stiles could stand to take a few notes from this guy . . . what with his sexy Bad Guy Walk, and sly self confidence.  Lydia would f*&k Evil Stiles in a heart beat . . .

no thank you

 

stydia big 2

By the way, I’d totally watch the HBO version of this show, in which Stiles and Evil Stiles engage in a threesome with Banshee Lydia . . .  Now, that would give her a good reason to scream .  . .

not an orgy - Copy

Back on the roof of the hospital, Derek and Scott learn that Real Stiles and his stinky stress sweat, ultimately lost the battle with Evil Stiles and the pair ended up electrifying the entire power grid of the hospital, all  while Real Stiles was supposedly “dreaming” in the smelly coyote den.

explosion

Take that, Papa McCall . . .

electrifying

Elsewhere in the hospital, Evil Stiles attempts to make his escape, only to be encountered by the two remaining Oni he didn’t kill in last week’s episode, and their fearless leader . . . Kira’s mom?

bamf

 

honeybadger dont care

 

It’s a pretty cool scene, actually, with Kira’s mom all sophisticated and self-righteous, “I’ll kill you, even if you are hiding inside the most popular character on Teen Wolf!”   She threatens coolly.

stiles doesn't care

 

bored now

Evil Stiles shrugs it off, throwing some major shade in the direction of his elder.  “Bring it on, Firefly B*tch,” he responds, before casually walking out of a hospital that’s about to be completely electrified.  In other words, Nogitsune Stiles is the Honey Badger . . . basically . . .

Outside the hospital, a stray electrified wire almost kills Kira . . .

foxfire

ah no

 

surprised-face

Somehow, I think the Girl on Fire will make it out just fine .  . .

Speaking of girls Scott wants to bone, Allison seems to be on a completely different show from everybody else.  She slept through Stiles’ entire ordeal.   And now she’s getting telephone messages from Fake Japanese Internment Camps?  (By the way, for an honestly brilliant theory about the Nogitsune’s true identity that actually connects to Allison’s bizarro subplot, check THIS out . . .)

two allisons

Evil Stiles is unamused . . .

unamused

Next time on Teen Wolf . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

stiles with wolf hat

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Unmasked – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Illuminated”

the mask

Happy Faux-Halloween Werebangers!  As much as this week’s installment of Teen Wolf was all about black-light parties, mostly naked people with paint on their toned torsos, and oddly-attired warriors, who may or may not have descended from fireflies, with the capacity to tattoo people with their fingernails and produce long swords from their stomachs . . .

sword maker

2 18 hencer holding a knife pll

. . . it was also about masks . . .

time to die

smokin

.  . . but not just the masks we wear on Halloween with the little eye holes cut out of them so we don’t bump into walls while we are trick-or-treating .  . .

got a rock

. . . but the more subtle masks we wear every other day of the year.  These are the masks that allow us to hide parts of our true selves from the rest of the world . . . parts of ourselves that we don’t like, or don’t think others would accept . . . parts of us that make us seem less . . . normal . . .

stiles like i have the right 2 one

stiles like i have the right 2 2

become

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Of all the characters on Teen Wolf, Stiles — goofy and virginal, though he might be  – always seemed to be the one most comfortable in his teenage skin.  It’s one of the things I always admired most about his character  . . . how unabashedly unafraid he was of being himself, even if being himself got him pushed around or excluded, or kept him from getting the girl . .  .

stiles with wolf hat

In “Illuminated,” however, we learn that Stiles too is wearing some masks.  And these masks are more dangerous than the ones donned by his friends.  Why?  Because he doesn’t even realize he’s wearing them . . .

wake uppppp stiles

So turn out the lights, break out the glow-in-the-dark body glitter, and beware of creepy neck-tattoo giving ninjas, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf-cap . . .

more dancing stiles

[As always special thanks to my supernaturally gifted screencapper Andre, who I would totally invite to my blacklight party if I had one, because I know I could trust him not to tattoo me against my will in a wine cellar . . .]

SMUSH!

jack o

It’s a bad day to be a jack-o-lantern in Beacon Hills, with mean derelict kids around every corner, just waiting to put their foot in your skull, and turn your brain into the mushy stuff on the inside of a pumpkin pie . . .

smush

“What did I do to deserve this?

But worry not jack-o-lanterns!  The Neighborhood Watch has come to the rescue!

matrix

why

“Dressing up like the guys from The Matrix for Halloween is SO last decade!”

Boy, the Neighborhood Watch has changed a lot since I was a kid.  It used to be a bunch of soccer moms in bathrobes.  But these guys are stylin!  I mean, check out those leather dresses.  I would not want to be Jack-o-Lantern Killer in Beacon Hills.  That’s for sure!

leather jackets scottnerdedstiles 1

Speaking of the Neighborhood Watch, Jack-o-Lantern Murder isn’t the only bad act that seems to royally piss them off.  They also seem to REALLY HATE THE POSSIBILITY OF PREMARITAL SEX.

off shirt 2

Sorry Isaac.   But the Neighborhood Watch is apparently very against the idea of your impregnating Allison with your were-cub sperm . . .

time to die

Population control . . .

When Allison and her dad find Isaac, he’s super traumatized and definitely still feeling the effects of his run-in with the black skirted ninjas, who he described as having Firefly Eyes . . .

what happened

“Between this and my dad locking me in the freezer before getting killed by my classmate the were-lizard, I’m going to probably need to be in therapy until I die.”

Hmmm . . . now where have we seen fireflies before on this show?

firefly people

Something about the way Allison’s dad was behaving during Isaac’s “debriefing,” seemed to suggest this wasn’t his first time at the Firefly Eye Guys rodeo.  Maybe it was the way he instinctively knew that beating the sh*t out of Isaac to force him to wolf out would break the spell the Firefly Eye Guys had him under . . .

punch throat

(Then again, perhaps he was just using that as an excuse to beat the sh*t out of the current winner of the Teen Werewolf Most Likely to Bone his Daughter this Season award . . . sorry Scott.)

another werewolf

Or maybe it was the way he warned Allison and Issac to keep their mouths shut about the Firefly Eye Guys for the next 24 hours while he “figured things out.”

shifty dad

cant trust anybody color

Oooooorrrrr maybe it was the BIG OLE BROKEN FIREFLY EYE GUY MASK HE HAD HIDDEN AWAY IN HIS DRAWER, RIGHT NEXT TO HIS SECRET STASH OF HASHISH AND PORN MAGS . . .

so pretty

ep 9 obviously stiles

And if we think the Firefly Eye guys react poorly to kids smashing up jack-o-lantern faces, imagine how pissed off they get about people who smash up THEIR FACES!

kidnapped dad

Cue the theme song, which was a bit more “club dancey” than usual, wasn’t it?  I was only kidding about it last week, but this week’s version of the theme song REALLY did remind me of this . . .

This Girl is on Fire

Once upon a time, there was a popular young adult fiction character who wore a pyrotechnically enhanced outfit designed by Lenny Kravitz, and everyone called her The Girl on Fire . . .

girl on fire

But That Girl apparently, has nothing on our Kira, whose face literally appears to burst into flame, every time someone snaps her picture.  Now, most cameras these days have a Red Eye Reduction function that is probably very helpful for folks like Scott .  . .

red eyes

However, until iPhone invents a Face Flame Reduction Feature, Kira is kind of crap out of luck . . .

on fire

But hey, at least she didn’t end up chargrilled by Mr. “Their Eyes Were Glowing” Barrow!  Something that Scott’s dad honestly seems pissed off about, because dead kids have always been super good for his career.  Have I mentioned yet this recap that Scott’s dad is a douche?

le douche

Well, consider it mentioned!  Anywhoo, the Scooby Gang, plus Kira, find themselves in super hot water with Douchey Daddy for accidentally blacking out the entire town in their attempt to evade being murdered by a child-killing psychopath.  The nerve of these kids and their pesky survival instincts!

darn kids

Meddling Kids!

Douchey Daddy gets incredibly frustrated when he can’t get a straight answer about what happened from our characters . . . something Papa Stilinski finds positively hilarious, because, for once, he’s not the adult being made to look like a moron by a bunch of teenagers less than half his age.

winky stiles

“How come you and Lydia always seem to solve every mystery on this show, when no one else can?”  Scott’s dad asks, echoing the question in the minds of Teen Wolf fans everywhere.

“Because my dad’s in law enforcement,” Stiles replies with a wink.

power station 1

dad in law en

Adorable . . . but also not true.  I mean, Scott’s dad is in law enforcement too, and it hasn’t helped him a lick, when it comes to logical reasoning .  . .

no idea what im doing

I mean, Scott’s a sweet guy and all, but, let’s face it, he’s kind of dumber than wolf poo  . . .

teen wolf 12 cry scott

Of course, by the end of this episode, we have another, more logical, explanation as to why Stiles has seemed to miraculously have all the answers so far this season.  And it’s genius, on a Usual Suspects-like level that leads me to believe I haven’t been giving these writers nearly enough credit in my recaps this season.

mischeivous stiles

I like how the show took the inherent ridiculousness of the “Kill Kira” coded message on the chalk board last week, and immediately offered the explanation that SOMEONE ELSE, aside from Barrow, wrote it.    Now, while that assumption ended up being correct, I’m not sure, as a detective, I would have immediately arrived at that conclusion.  (In fact, if I recall from the message boards on last week’s episode, most fans, myself included, assumed that the code came from Barrow, himself.)  I mean the guy was basically a schizo psychopath who enjoyed killing kids with glowing body parts.  Why would he need a coded message instructing him to do the thing he loved doing so much in the first place?

glowing

Just a thought . . .

Speaking of glowing body parts . . .

Clothing Option . . . Paint Mandatory

At School in the Dark, Stiles finds a new mysterious key on his key chain, which I can totally relate to, because every time I stick my hand in my purse, I’m always finding things I don’t remember putting in there.  I swear I’m convinced my purse is a portal to another land . . .  either that or a very expensive trash receptacle for old receipts, candy wrappers, pens without ink and unmatched gloves  . . .

key enter

But enough about me!

Let’s talk about Kira . . .

i so want to hit that

Last week, Stiles was TOTALLY pro Kira, telling Scott he should absolutely hit that because he’s “the hottest girl” in school . . .

hot girl

Then again, maybe Stiles was just saying those things to hit on Scott . . .

attractie to gay guys

This week, Stiles basically thinks Kira is Jenny the Darach 2.0, which makes her more or less undateable, unless you are really hot for people who secretly look like Lord Voldemort . . .

shes evil

“Let’s leave the dating of secret murderers / super villains to MY future girlfriends, mmmm kay?”

voldemorteet

. . . or you’re a moron . . . like Derek . . .

torn up derek 2

And because I had the exact same idea last week, I am now more convinced than ever that Stiles and I do, in fact, share a brain . . . which worries me, because I’m pretty sure Stiles’ brain has a tumor in it . . .

not a tumor

In the boy’s locker room, Aiden and Ethan are naked, and everyone else is fully clothed, because, like children in the 1950s, these are two characters that are at their best when seen not heard.

the nakeds

Danny’s there too.  He’s fighting on the phone with some unseen person, about a blacklight party, which will now have to be canceled due to the “blackout.”  Hello Irony!

make them want us

Ethan wants to help Danny find an alternative location for the party, because he feels that will help him find an alternative location into Danny’s very busy pants.  He also believes that helping Danny through a really bitchin party will make Care Bear Scott know that Ethan and Aiden “care a lot” about their fellow man.  And even if this doesn’t cause Scott to make Ethan and Aiden into fellow Care Bears like Stiles . . .

awww stilesy

flower power

. . and Isaac .  . .

isaac scarf

grumpy

. . . and Lydia . . .

lydia smirk

stopped caring

. . . it might at least convince him to take the twins on as Care Bear cousins . .  . you know . . . the characters that weren’t bears, but still got to make an appearance every so often in the Care Bear Movies, and Specials, because they were basically nice people/ animals .. .

At first, Aiden is not down with being a Care Bear Cousin.  But then Lydia, whose mom will likely be brutally murdered very soon is now teaching at the school (?) and everyone knows that the only teacher at Beacon Hills High who can never die is Coach Crackpot tells Aiden that he can’t f*&k her in janitors closets anymore because his murdering Boyd just became a total turn off.

no bad guys

big boyd wolf

“Awww . . . how sweet . . . and also about 10 episodes too late.”

And Aiden and his blue balls decide being a Care Bear Cousin is better than being eternally celibate.  So, he decides to help Danny by suggesting he throw a party in Derek’s supposedly abandoned loft.  Yes, Aiden, because throwing a party in the place where Boyd died, will TOTALLY make Lydia forget you killed him.  Good thinking!

gotcha twins

Photo Finished!

Kira is sitting alone in the hallway eating her sad sandwich, and wearing very sad pants.  Scott completely ignores Stiles’ advice .  . .

bad scott

. . . and decides this is the perfect opportunity to hit on her . . .

sad pants

. . .to show her gratitude Kira shows Scott her nifty magical power that involves looking weird in photographs . . .

taking pic

(I don’t know, Kira.   I always look weird in photographs too.  And nobody’s ever tried to electrocute me for it . . . yet.)

Scott agrees to help get Kira’s cell phone (which contains evidence of her weird photographs) out of the police station’s evidence locker.

Meanwhile, Derek (rightfully) scares some kids who are stupid enough to go trick or treating in an abandoned parking lot during a blackout.   (Seriously, are all the parents in this town mentally retarded?)  But before he does that, he gives them candy.  Because grown men who carry Milky Ways and M&M’s  in the back of their truck, just in case they happen to come upon unaccompanied minors aren’t creepy at all . . .

candy for kids

“Hey kids, wanna hop in the back of my truck and eat Snickers?”

tee hee

“Sure sounds like fun!”

arh

“STRANGER DANGERRRRRRRRR!”

Obstruction of Justice 101

I’ve always said that watching Teen Wolf makes me smarter and more pervy.  This week’s installment of Teen Wolf had the added benefit of making me a better criminal!  Be amazed as Stiles teaches us just how easy it is to break into the police department and steal incriminating evidence against yourself!

thieves

Step 1 – Clone the key cards

Thus proving that Stiles literally does own the keys to every door in this entire town . . . including the door to his own mind, Lydia’s heart, and of course, the chemistry lab.

stiles key

“This could be The Key to solving this week’s mystery . . . literally”

Step 2 – Avoid the completely incompetent police force, by merely crawling underneath them . . .

dummy

“Off to get some donuts.”

Step 3 – Unlock evidence Drawer

the phone

Step 4 – Find evidence, and then dawdle for an unreasonably long time for no other reason than to increase narrative tension . . .

too long to charge

                Was it just me, or did that phone take a ridiculously long time to charge enough just to turn on?  That’s BAD product placement, if ever I saw it.  An iPhone takes about 20 seconds.  Just sayin . . .

Step 5 – Almost get discovered, just so Stiles will have to save your ass by being Stiles . . .

I don’t know about you.  But I vote when Teen Wolf gets canceled about 25 seasons from now, Stiles gets his own spinoff, which consists solely of him ragging on Scott’s Douchebag dad for an entire hour . . .  I’d watch that show.

the hero

P.S. What do you guys think the “big secret” Stiles’ dad has on Scott’s dad is that makes the latter hate the former so much?  Part of me thinks it has something to do with Scott’s mom . . . then again, maybe that’s because I’m totally rooting for Stiles’ dad and Scott’s mom to start boning in the next season or two.  They’d be adorable together!  Admit it!

not amused by stiles

After they escape, Kira is totally turned on by her introduction into a Life of Crime.  She wonders whether Scott and Stiles have ever broken the law like this before, at which point, Stiles wryly hands Kira a DVD set of the first 2.5 seasons of Teen Wolf, and replies, “Only every Monday at 10 p.m., for the past three years.”

teen wolf abortiaclinique

Ain’t No Party Like a Firefly Guy Party

Danny’s blacklight party is banging!

time warp

The music rocks, the nudity and creative body paint all over the place is insane.

And what other place can you go to get drawn on by Kelly Osbourne!

kelly o

.  . . or at least someone who looks a lot like her.

kelly os

Danny is eagerly getting painted up, when someone calls for ice, and a flirty Ethan tells him he’ll   . . . BE RIGHT BACK . . .

very gay

painted 3

Silly Ethan.  Did you forget you were on a horror show?

be right back

Sex makes men stupid . . .

While Ethan goes off into a dark abandoned corner of Derek’s loft to get brutalized, Danny notices some uninvited guests at his party, who are wearing way too much clothes . . .

matrix guy

“Why is Neo from The Matrix at my blacklight party?”

uninvited

But they have cool firefly eyes, so he decides to let it slide.

Elsewhere in the loft, Allison and Isaac show up at the party completely overdressed (just like the firefly guys).  So, they decide to improvise and also hump . . .

where are we

. .  . because really no blacklight party is complete without some good old fashioned humping . . .

talk scott 1

talk scott 2

talk scott 3

Also humping?  Stiles!  You go boy!

mackin

So what if he may end up being this season’s Big Bad?  Stiles is so Geek Chic and Dorky Sexy that even lesbians whose girlfriends were recently brutally murdered want to bone him!  Because everyone knows that having Stiles in your mouth is better than any antidepressant.

stiles

But who does Stiles want in HIS Mouth?  Answer:  Apparently EVERYONE!

like boys

like boys 2

Source

It’s always the “innocent” ones that end up being the biggest freaks in the sheets . . .

halloween shy sexy amariesworld

Stiles takes a break from sucking face with a lesbian to notice that his Magical Mystical Key has chemicals on it . . . as in chemicals from a chemistry lab.

check out your key

glowy key

RUH ROH!  It looks like our baby may have done a bad bad thing . . .

Speaking of bad things . . .

Ashes, ashes, they all FALL DOWN!

At the blacklight party, relationships, advance, discoveries are made, people are attacked, and everyone gets tattoos, all in a matter of minutes!

After coming to a silent understanding with Allison that they are both going to screw other people this season, Scott finally sees Kira for what she really is . . . a fox . . .

No, I mean, like, a real fox . . . like the “fire” around her body in pictures actually has a fox shape . . .

fox head

And being a member of the canine family himself, Scott totally digs it . . .

next victim

Allison and Isaac too finally give in to their mutually shared sexual tension, which causes Allison to discover Isaac’s brand new neck tattoo.  A backwards “five,” put there by the Firefly Guys?  Why, are they dyslexic?

found sign

Then again . . . it could also be an “S” for Superman . . . or STILES . . .

stiles rescue

Speaking of the Firefly Guys, Lydia spots them at a crowded party stalking her.  And so, rather than staying amidst the massive crowd of people who will undoubtedly keep her safe, she decides to say “I’ll BE RIGHT BACK,” to no one in particular, and heads out to balcony alone.

oh no

“Oh no, demons are trying to get me!”

make it easier

“Let me go out here, and make it so much easier for them to do so.”

draco malfoy facepalm

Silly Lydia!  This is what happens when you don’t hang out with Stiles, and allow him to makeout with lesbians instead of protecting you . . .

And they say you’re the smart one . . . sheesh.

not an orgy - Copy

The Firefly Guys take Lydia’s Banshee scream, give her the dyslexic tattoo, and then seem to entrance her in some sort of way.   But I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to determine what the consequences of that entrancement are . . .

look into my firefly eyes

“Look deep into my firefly eyes.  You are getting very sleepy.”

really loved you in matrix

“I really loved you in The Matrix, Mr. Keanu Reeves.”

Also, attacked and tatted up?  Ethan . . . and Derek . .  . whose super pissed off about it, and breaks up the party, the exact same way he traumatized those pesky trick our treaters.

this partys over

“STRANGER DANGERRRRRR!”

The Scooby Gang, minus Stiles, reconvene in the now empty loft to face off against the Firefly Guys.  I smell a Musical Battle Sequence . . .

kung fu fighting laala

“MORTAL KOMBAAAAAATTT!”

Unlike most Musical Battle Sequences on this show, in which the Werewolf Always Wins.  This time around, the Werewolf Always Sucks Ass . . .

had a bad da

In the Scooby Gangs’ defense, Firefly Guys are much better armed than our heroes, with Magical Tummy Swords . . .

sword maker

Hypnotic Tattoos . . .

superman

 

negativity and scarf

 

Bet Isaac is wishing he was wearing the scarf last night . . .

isaac scarf

“No tatt for me, Firefly Guy!”

And the Ability to Regenerate Heads . . .

danger

Then The Sun comes and saves everyone from getting murdered!  Hooray Sun!

the sun

Unfortunately, things are less sunny elsewhere in Beacon Hills, like back at the Argent house, where Papa Argent looks like he had a pretty crap day . . .

dying daddy

Also having a crap day, Stiles who has just learned that HE might be the one trying to kill Kira . . . which was a pretty ingenious development on the part of the writers, as it makes the oddity of Stiles magically figuring out the “code” on the board make so much more sense in hindsight.  It also makes Lydia’s comment about not wanting to be with the “bad guys” seem much more ironic / ominous.

evil stiles

Either that, or he’s dreaming / in a coma . . .

sleeping stiles

Or he has a brain tumor . . .

not a tumor

Whatever the reason, Stiles sure seems to be working very hard to make sure “The Hottest Girl” in school doesn’t get it on doggystyle with “The Fox.”

abominable snowman

Thus, proving that prolonged virginity can make you evil and/or cause brain tumors / comas.

So, go forth and get laid, Werebangers!  It might just save your life and YOUR SOUL!

sex me now 2

Until next time . . .

hi stiles

 

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Filed under Teen Wolf

The Graveyard Shift – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Omega” and “Shape Shifted”

[I didn’t forget about you, my Pretties!  A recap for Pretty Little Liars’ “It Happened That Night” should be up within the next 24-hours.  I promise to try and make it extra special snarky, and screencappy, so that (hopefully) it will be worth the wait.]

 

Welcome back, Werebangers!  With a brand new, more than a bit porn-y, opening sequence . . .

. . .  and a slew of new characters on both sides of the werewolf / hunter divide, Teen Wolf’s actors and writers have promised that this season will be sexier, darker, gorier, and more frightening than the last. So, of course, this begs the question:  Did the first two episodes deliver?

Let’s review, shall we?

(As always, I’d like to offer a hearty were-banging thank you to my good pal Andre, for the awesome screencaps you see here . . . particularly the shirtless ones. ;))

-OMEGA-

Slippery When Wet

Jackson waits, while a school of female fish shove dollar bills in his underpants.

One thing can be said for the writers of Teen Wolf . . . they sure do know their audience.  Opening the episode with a wet, ripped-shirted Jackson, emerging from a river, in all his rippling pectoral glory, was an absolutely ingenious move.

 “Here’s the bite that I knew was there all along, but I’m going to pretend to be surprised about, so that you can look at my arm muscles, while I flex.”

In fact, I bet 98% of viewers were so aroused by the sight, they completely failed to realize that it had no significance to the plot, whatsoever.  Then again, lizards / shapeshifters enjoy the water . . . Like I said . . . brilliant.

Source 

You know what was slightly less brilliant?  This . .  .

“Weeeeeeeeeee!”

Scott Receives an Ultimatum / Gets the Runs

Poor Scott!  Only you (and some REALLY bad CGI graphics) can make the sight of a wolf-in-heat, rushing to hump his prime mate,  look like a constipated crab on acid.

“Doh!”

On one hand, I truly appreciated the effort the producers put into this scene.  It would have been much easier for them to go with the tried and true “Superman Effect,” in attempting to illustrate that Scott . . . um . . . runs fast, now that he’s lupine.  But we’ve all seen that before.  I can guarantee that you’ve never seen this.  So, it was something new . . . new and unintentionally hilarious.  But new, nonetheless.

We interuppt this Constipated Crab Moment to bring you a flashback  . .  one that presumably takes place in the not-too-distant past, but definitely after the events of the season finale.  Scott and Alli are hard at work sucking face in Alli’s car.  (At least, I think it’s Alli’s.  Scott still doesn’t have his own wheels, right?)

ALLISON” “Uh, Scott?  I don’t know how to tell you this, but you kind of have dog breath.”

SCOTT:  “Sorry.  I ate a squirrel on the way over here.”

All of the suddden, Papa Arent rips Scott out of the car by his shirt, and pins him violently against the hood of the car, pressing the barrel of a gun right into his skin.

Foreplay?

My first instinct was to think that this was a really dumb move on Daddy’s part.  After all, threatening a horny werewolf like that is the surest way of getting your cajones chewed off.  Then, I remembered that getting Scott to lash out is precisely Papa Argent’s modus operandi, just as it was with Derek, last season . . .

“Make . . . my . . . day . . . White Fang!”

One show of fang from Scott, would be all it took to permit Daddy to blow the former’s brain’s out under his so called “Argent Family Code of Honor.”  But, Code or no Code, having a gun in your face, or in the face of your boyfriend .  .  . well .  . . it kind of sucks.  And I suspect it’s that generalized suckiness that prompts Allison to tearfully cut a deal with her father, while remind the latter that this not-so big, not-all-that-bad, wolf had actually saved both father and daughter’s life, in the not-so-distant past.

“I’ll never see [Scott] again,” promises the girl who goes to school with Scott, has a locker fairly close to his, and even, if I recall correctly, shares a couple of classes with him.

Papa Argent relucantly agrees to this compromise.  (Papa Argent is kind of a moron . . . but hot, in that scruffy, middle-aged, Poor Man’s George Clooney-kind-of-way.)  Once Daddy-o is safely out of the picture, Scott andd Allison share an angsty hug on the roof of the car, as Allison tries to politely ignore the fact that Scott recently peed himself . . .

Back in Present Day, Scott and his goofy crab legs sneak into Allison’s bedroom windo wfor an impromptu sex session.  (Well,  that didn’t take long .  . . and I mean that in more ways than one.)

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m all for watching attractive people hump one another on my television screen.  Who isn’t?

On the other hand, I feel like we get scenes like this, between Scott and Allison just about every other episode.  Not to mention the fact that THEY ALWAYS LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME!  The same location . . . (Allison’s room / bed) . . .  the same fumbling awkwardness to the tune of blaring pop music . . . the same . . .  choreography.  In fact, you could probably cut and paste any Sallison sex scene from any episode, into another episode, without anyone being any the wiser.

From Season 1 

Now, I get that, as far as teen sex goes, monotony and awkwardness, is actually rather realistic.  I just kind of wish that these two would change things up every once in a while . . . you know .  . . for the fans!  For example, have sex in Scott’s house sometimes (His mom DOES work the night shift at the hospital,  after all.), try out a couple of different sexual positions (doggy style?), some rap music (Snoop Dog), a little role playing (Little Red Riding Hood), maybe even some fun costumes (dog collar).

In the couple’s defense, they do happen to be kind of pressed for time.  Not two minutes into the pop song, Mama Argent comes back for where ever the heck she was prior to this moment, and barges into Allison’s room.

SCOTT:  “Do you think we should . . .  I don’t know . . . like invite her to join in?”

ALLISON: “Scott, that’s my MOM!”

SCOTT: “I know.  But I don’t want to be rude!”

To say Mommy Dearest is suspicious of her daughter’s recent behavior is the understatement of the century.

That Mama Argent . . . she sure is one scary b*tch.  From her severe, woman-discharged-from-the-Marines-for-beating-up-her-comrades haircut, to her monotone voice, to those big alien eyes, to the way she not-so-subtly thrashes about Allison’s room opening closets, peeking under beds, and just barely failing to locate the naked Scott, now-hiding on the rooftop . . .

Best Christmas Decoration EVER! 

 . . . I’m pretty sure this was the most frightening scene in the entire episode.  And if you recall, this was an episode where SOME GUY GOT CHOPPED IN HALF!

Nevertheless, Scott somehow manages to escape from the Argent household undetected by the parental units.   He always does!

Meanwhile, over in the hospital . . .

It could have been worse.  She could have opted for a bath . . .

It’s safe to say that less than a week has passed since the events of last season’s finale . . . otherwise, Stiles REALLY needs a shower.  According to Scott’s mom, my loveable little Yoda man has spent every waking minute (and more than a few sleeping ones) holding vigil at Lydia’s hospital bedside, as she recovers from the unfortunate “Alpha Mauling” she suffered, during her prom.

We find our hero, dozing on an uncomfortable chair, and engaging in a rather naughty conversation with some dream girl . . . or maybe boy.

“Oh Derek! You look so good wearing my t-shirt.  Now take it off.” 

“You’re SO dirty,” a sleeping Stiles muses, as a smile creeps across his lips.  “You first.  No, me first?  Well . . .”

Source 

Needless to say, I would PAY to get inside that dream sequence.  As a groggy Stiles awakens to hit the vending machine, we turn our attention to Lydia, who rudely (but wisely . . . we all know what 75% of the parents are like on this show) rejects her father’s offer to help her into the shower.  As our heroine lathers herself,  we notice that the water beneath her feet is becoming increasingly tinged with black goo.  Not cool at all!

Rather than stepping out of the dirty shower and calling an attendant, like most normal people would do in this situation, “self-sufficient” Lydia decides to play plumber, digging into the disgusting drain with her bare hands.  Now, the black water is almost up to her knees.  She brings her hands upward to find piles and piles of  . . . HAIR.  Lydia cries in disgust, but she still doesn’t get out of the tub until SOME DEAD GUYS HAND GRABS AT HER FROM THE DRAIN . . .

Need a hand? 

Cue the screaming . . .

I find it interesting that everyone on the show, including Stiles and Scott (who at this point is miles away) recognizes Lydia’s trademark screams.  Stiles promptly abandons his happy reunion with the Reeses Pieces he freed from that stubborn vending machine, and rushes to his lady love’s side.  But when he and the doctor’s arrive . .  . wait for it . . . she’s gone!  Oh, and the water is sparkling clean and hair free.  Go figure!

Oh, P.S., in her haste to escape the Evil Man Hand, Lydia forgot something very important . . . her clothes.   Way to go, Lady Godiva!

Always the smartest kid in the room, Stiles cleverly snags Lydia’s hospital gown, so that his doggy friend can track down her scent.  Yoda then promptly reunites with Allison the Werewolf Slayer and Teen Wolf,  in hopes of finding Lydia before the Argents do.  The image of  Scott riding with his head out the window like a Golden Retriever, sniffing the wind, will likely stay etched in my memory forever.  In fact, I think it’s some of the best acting we’ve seen Tyler Posey do, since this show started.  No joke.

“It’s hard to smell Lydia in the middle of all this gasoline and roadkill.” 

Meanwhile, over at Kate Argent’s grave . . .

Pet Cemetery

Some teenager is operating a crane to dig the hole in the ground that will eventually include the body of Kate Argent.  We know this teenager is important, because he’s attractive.  And no attractive faces go to waste on this show.  (By the way, what kind of cemetery hires a 16-year old to operate heavy machinery like that in the middle of the night?  That’s just bad for business.)

“Child labor laws are for wimps.  My little brother delivers newspapers in his diapers.” 

Random Teen Who We Don’t Know Yet, hears a gross munching sound, and finds a werewolf munching on the liver of one of the deceased.

The werewolf notices the teen, and easily upends the crane.  Now, Random Teen We Don’t Know Yet is stuck under a crane in the grave he just dug for Kate Argent, just waiting to be eaten.  But worry not, Random Teen!  Derek is here to rescue you!

This almost makes getting buried alive worth it . . . 

Just hanging out . . .

Elsewhere, Scott’s cute little doggy nose has led his search party to the area outside Derek’s house, sight of . . . well . . . pretty much every bad thing that’s ever happened on this show ever . . . Then again, it’s also where we first got to see this . . .

Stiles finds something he thinks might be a clue.   “Hey!  Is this a trip wire?”  He exclaims excitedly.

And Stiles is supposed to be the Smart One . . . 

Whoops!  Next thing you know, Scott’s hanging from a tree.  Thus, proving that even Yoda makes mistakes.  The Argent hunters arrive shortly thereafter, and some threatening words are exchanged between Scott and Papa Argent.  The latter intimates that he suspects Lydia of being a newly turned werewolf, and if he finds her, he’ll chop her body in half.  What a swell guy!

 I actually think Lydia’s not a wolf, but, rather, a Banshee Death Alarm.  But hey, what do I know?

Jackson’s “Time of the Month”

The following morning, the cops are on the lookout for Lydia and the graverobber who attacked Random Teen and ate some corpse’s liver at a cemetery.  (Could the two be one in the same?)  Stiles dad the Sheriff (Remember him?)  questions Random Teen along with his father, a.k.a. The Guy who played Mitch Leery on Dawson’s Creek.  I swear, Dawson’s dad hasn’t aged a day.  He must be a vampire.

Or the Flash . . . same difference. 

Derek approaches Jackson for help finding Lydia, since (1) the three of them are presumably all part of the same were pack now; and (2) well, Jackson DID date the girl, after all.  But Jackson has no interest in becoming part of any pack OR helping his ex girlfriend not be chopped in half.  Jackson is clearly a total sociopath . . . one who’s mean to homeless hippy werewolves.

Source 

He’s also bleeding profusely out of his nose and ears . . . black blood . . . kind of like the stuff Lydia found in her shower.

Ease up on the coke . . . man.

Some might say that getting a female period in your nose is the price you pay for being an asshat.  But Derek clearly has a bigger heart than I do.  He looks legitimately worried for Jackson, when he tells the latter that the excessive bleeding is a sign that his body is rejecting the werewolf bite.

Your face may be all f*&ked up.  But you’re ass is clearly open for business.”

This, of course, begs two questions: (1) Why is Jackson’s body rejecting the bite, when Scott’s didn’t?  (Is it simply because there’s still wolfsbane in his system, or is there a more interesting reason, like, for example something in Jackson’s lineage?), and (2) What are the repercussions of this for Jackson?  (Will he die?  Will he eventually turn into the so-called “Abomination” hinted at in the trailers for this season?  Will he need to constantly have tampons hanging out of his nose?)

Four Maulings and a Funeral

Back at school, we are reunited with some old characters . . . like that Creepy Chemistry Teacher everyone used to think was the Alpha, who REALLY has it in for Stiles, after the latter’s father tried to peg him for murder  . . .

No reason for this picture.  I just wanted to share with you the awesomeness that is Stiles’ t-shirt . . . and this is coming from someone who doesn’t ever want to have kids . . . 

. . . and everyone’s favorite Crackpot Lacrosse Coach .  . .

Separated at birth? 

We are also introduced to some new characters, like the weird (but, of course, still attractive) guy with the camera, who seems to have a real hard-on for Allison.  (Doesn’t everybody on this show?)

“I fulfill the show’s emo quotient.  I also might be a shapeshifter who takes pictures of people and thinks so I can assume their forms at a later time.

There’s also a sweet scene in which Scott comforts a distraught Allison, as she prepares to attend her aunt’s funeral . . . you know . . . if you are into that sort of thing . . .

. .  . sweet scenes, I mean, not funerals  . . . though, of course, you might be into those too.

At Kate’s funeral, the press and that creepy camera guy are all hounding the Argents.  Then this old  guy comes and breaks creepy camera guy’s film cartridge, after the former snaps some pictures of Allison.

“Dammit.  I knew I should have used my iPhone instead.” 

Turns out, this is her grandpa, and he’s one scary dude.  In fact, Grandpa Argent and his Crazy Eyes make Papa Argent look like Big Bird by comparison (Not Mama Argent though . . .  she’s still the scariest.)

Stiles and Scott watch these events unfold before them, as the pair hide behind and old gravestone.  Always trying to keep things positive,  Stiles suggests that possibly Gramps and the rest of the Argents are just here for the funeral.  But Scott knows better.  “They are reinforcements,” he says glumly.

“You know, Stiles’ dad is kinda buff.  Maybe’ HE’S the lizard.” 

Then Stiles’ dad finds the scheming pair, and drags them back to a squad car.  They aren’t there long though.  A call comes in about someone attack an ambulance and eating it’s already dead passenger.  Stiles and Scott, of course, immediately assume it’s Lydia doing the eating.  How rude!

As soon as the two can get away, they form their own search party in the woods.  “Just find her,” pleads Stiles, in regard to his lady love.  (Sigh!)

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Shortly thereafter, Scott smells wolf and takes off in the direction of the stench.  Turns out, it’s not Lydia at all.   It’s that dirty hippie wolf who’s been eating all the dead people.  Go figure!  The two tussle, but Scott eventually loses sight of the guy, until that is, the latter gets tripped up by, you guessed it, another trip wire.

Worst . . . gig . . . ever .  . . 

Enter the Argent Family . . .

He didn’t really need those pesky legs anyway . . .

Grandpa Argent has a big f*&king sword . . . I’m talking Medieval, Game of Thrones sh*t here.  As he waves around his surrogate weiner, Gramps waxes poetic about Omega wolves, who, for whatever reason, lack pack affiliation, and therefore are weak, and easily killed.  Dirty Hippie Wolf tries in vain to defend himself.  He was just looking for the Alpha, he swears!  He didn’t hurt anyone living . . . and therefore never ran afoul of the Argent’s precious Code.

Too bad for Wolfie, that Gramps doesn’t need no stinking Codes.  He slices through Dirty Hippie Wolf’s bottom half like it’s butter.  There’s this creepy moment where the wolf looks down at his now half-body with fascination, before bleeding to death.

“This is SO COOL!  Oh wait . . . no it’s not.  They cut off my balls too.” 

Scott, who’s watching from a distance is understandably horrified.

“Derek, this is really not the time to get handsy.”

Fortunately, Alpha Derek has arrived to comfort him . . . and give him a big ole man hug . . . which probably would have been a lot more appreciated, if he had actually lifted a finger to save Dirty Hippie Wolf.  He didn’t.  But hey.  You can’t blame a guy for wanting to literally save his own balls from being dismembered from the rest of his body.

Never one to give up a good teaching moment, Alpha Derek chooses this inopportune moment to remind Scott why it’s a REALLY good idea to be part of pack, if you don’t want to lose your legs.  “Look at them.   This is what they do,” Derek says fiercely, forcing Scott to look at the bloody corpse.  “This is a declaration of war.”

Apparently Gramps thinks so too, as he tells an admittedly freaked out Papa Argent, in no uncertain terms that the “Code” ceased to exist the minute Kate Argent croaked.  Weak wolves, new wolves, pansy wolves, naked chicks running around in the forest, Gramps wants to cut them all in half, just because he can.

“We’ll find them, and we’ll kill them.  We’ll kill them all,” Gramps declares ominously.

Elsewhere, a naked Lydia emerges from the forest looking for a coat.

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Stiles has never been so jealous of a coat in his life . . .

-SHAPE SHIFTED –

Nice knowing ya, Dawson’s Creek Dad (except . . . not really)

Now we’re at Random Teen’s house.  (I told you this guy was important.)  Apparently, his name is Issac and he’s getting a D in chemistry.  That’s all we know about the character at this point.  Oh yeah, and did I mention his dad’s a psychopath?

 As far as depictions of domestic abuse go, this one is pretty top notch.  You can feel the tension in Isaac’s body as he carefully evades his father’s seemingly harmless questions about his grades, like a soldier navigating his way through a field covered with landmines.  And man, is Dawson Leery’s dad terrifying . . . Sure, he’s saying all the right things . . . encouraging his son to be honest, and telling him it’s OK that his grades aren’t up to par.  But just below the surface there’s an undercurrent of viciousness, a killer’s instinct.  When Bad Dad starts tossing plates at his son, we know immediately that this is far from the first time.

“Dawson would never put up with this sh*t.” 

Then again, it IS probably the first time that Isaac has been able to HEAL himself from his father’s abuses.   That’s right boys and girls.  We have a new werewolf!

Upon realizing what has just occurred, Isaac escapes on his bike, with Bad Dad in hot pursuit.  Part of me was waiting for the character to get into a car accident, because he dropped his ice cream cone on the front seat of the car, and bent down, like a total moron to pick it up . . . which, some of you might recall is precisely how Bad Dad’s Alter Ego, Mitch Leery bit it on Dawson’s Creek.

But Bad Dad’s fate is much worse.  When he emerges from the car, he learns that something is watching him . . . and that something is definitely not a werewolf.

He kind of looks like This Guy . . .

 Does the fact that I cheered just a little bit when that Lizardy Thing mauled Bad Dad in his car make me a bad person?  That’s what you get for abusing hot twenty-somethings posing as teens . . . and, of course, spawning that turd, Dawson Leery . . .

New wolf Isaac rushes to his Alpha Derek for help, swearing up and down that he didn’t kill his father . . . though clearly, he can’t be too overwrought that the douchebag is dead.

Well, that’s one way to get a job, during the recession . . .

Elsewhere, Scott and Allison are making out again.  Snore . . .

Oddly enough, I’m much more interested in what Allison’s parental units are doing on their so-called date night.  Here’s a hint, it involves kidnapping Allison’s principal and sticking massively large guns in his face, until he promises to resign from his post.

“Coincidentally, this is also the size of my secret weiner.” 

Watch out Beacon Hills High!  Principal Gramps is coming to get you!

But she lost NINE POUNDS!

Poor Lydia.  Being known as “That Naked Chick” who ran around in the woods for a weekend isn’t exactly garnering her the popularity she thinks she deserves .  . . even though she did lose nine pounds!  (Banshee diet, I guess.)

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Her ex-boyfriend Jackson isn’t exactly offering her comfort either.  The asshat basically tells her that if he had it to do over again, he wouldn’t save her life.

Oh, and P.S., she should watch out for the Full Moon.  It’s not exactly a scene out of Lydia’s favorite movie, The Notebook.

Scratch and Sniff Lacrosse

Speaking of Full Moon preparations, Stiles knows exactly how to handle Scott’s “time of month” this time around . . .

Fifty Shades of Stiles?

Too bad it makes him look like an S&M fetishist in front of his coach . . .

In the locker room, Scott smells something aside from the usual B.O., dirt, and aftershave.  There’s another wolf on the premises.  The question is who?  Scott has a plan to figure it out,  one that involves playing goalie turning team practice, and rushing out of the goal to tackle and SNIFF all his teammates, until he finds the one that smells like dog.

Needless to say this is probably my favorite scene in the entire episode.

Coach Crackpot quickly asked Stiles what was wrong with his friend .  . .

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Weird Camera Guy passed the Scratch and Sniff test with flying colors.  As did Danny, who got bonus points for smelling awesome.  “It’s Armani . . . my cologne,” Danny exclaims proudly, as Scott fights off the urge to make love to him right there on the Lacrosse field.  (It’s the one time during this episode that I wished MTV had smellovision.)

Jackson noteably escaped from practice, before Scott could smell him, probably because he worried about what the latter might find in his scent . . .  wolf?   death?  Or something much worse?

Eventually, it’s Isaac’s turn to square off with Scott.  Cue the matching colored contacts.  It’s like love at first were-bite.  “Please don’t tell anyone,” Isaac pleads.

Unfortunately, this conversation is cut short by the cops, who take Isaac in for questioning about his dead dad.  Scott knows full well that the idea of a brand new wolf locked in a not particularly well-secured holding cell during a full moon isn’t good for anyone.  “You know how I said I no longer have the urge to kill?”  Scott muses to Stiles.  “He does,” Scott said of Isaac.

It was an interesting moment, one that intrigued me quite a bit about Isaac’s character, and what type of wolf he will become.  Clearly, this is someone who’s been abused and beaten down, emotionally and physically all his life.  That kind of persistent torture makes you feel weak and powerless.  It makes you vie for an escape, some avenue of control in your life.  Derek likely saw this in Isaac, and knew that, as a result, he would be amenable to undergoing the transformation.

Yet, Derek’s decision to turn Isaac might not have been completely altruistic  After all, he’s a packmaster at war, now.  And to fight a war, you need good soldiers.  I suspect that Derek also saw in Isaac exactly what Scott is seeing now . . . an untenable rage, bubbling just beneath the surface.  That rage could make Isaac an excellent warrior.  But it also makes him a potential loose cannon.

Nevertheless, Scott clearly feels a kinship with Isaac, that goes beyond mere pack membership.  He sees him as a man who’s been wrongly accused.  And he wants to help him, by breaking him out of the pokey . . . which, of course, means Stiles has to help him too.

Teen Wolf and Yoda to the Rescue

Back at school Stiles’ Sheriff dad is questioning Jackson, who also happens to be Isaac’s next-door neighbor.  Jackson callously admits that he knew Isaac was a victim of abuse, but that this was “not his problem.”

Ugh!  Jackson, you suck!  I don’t care how good you look in a wet t-shirt.  I hope your nose and ear bleed travels to your ass . . .

Back in chemistry class, Scott and Stiles are desperate to know what Jackson is telling the police about Isaac.  And the best way to figure that out is an impromptu trip to the principal’s office  . . .

Of course, Scott and Stiles haven’t yet been informed about the new principal at their school, but they are about to find out . . .

Principal Gramps clearly has done his homework on these too, especially Scott, who he notes is Allison’s “ex-boyfriend.”  It seems pretty obvious that Gramps knows Scott’s a wolf.  And yet, he doesn’t immediately chop him in half, like he did the Hippie Wolf.  The question is why.  I’m thinking it’s because he has bigger plans for Scott . . . plans that might just involve using him to locate the rest of his pack.

Ever the loyal friend, Stiles opts to take one for the team, by stewing in detention, while Scott dashes off to rescue Isaac, who has just been carted off to jail, just as he predicted.  Of course, Derek magically appears at this moment, to help with the “war effort.”  With his leather jacket, and dark glasses, Derek kind of looks like The Terminator . . . only hot  . . . and without the Austrian accent.

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Derek has something to show Scott . . . something that could seriously hurt Isaac’s murder defense, if the cops find it . . .

Elsewhere . . .

The Most Boring Sex Tape Ever

Jackson gets Weird Camera guy to lend him a video camera for 100 bucks so that he can make a solo sex tape.  Just kidding.  He wants to videotape his werewolf transformation.  He flexes for the camera a few times, before heading to sleep.  And that’s all that the camera catches . . . eight hours of Jackson . . . alone . . . in bed.

Needless to say, this tape won’t get as many hits on YouTube as the one Kim Kardashian made.

So, it appears Jackson is still 100% Grade A douchebag human . . . or is he?

The House of Hor-weres

The minute Derek alluded to Isaac having a worse motive to kill his father than run-of-the-mill battery, I thought the kid might have been sexually abused.  The writers don’t necessarily go that far with the character.  However, we do get to see Isaac’s dad’s unique idea of punishment, which, apparently, involved locking his son, in an icebox for extended period’s of time.  Oddly enough, this gives Scott an idea . . .

Back at the Argent’s, Gramps and Papa are also discussing Isaac’s case, and whether or not they have enough proof to chop him in half.  Allison tries to listen in, but they shut the door in her face, in a very Godfather-esque way.  Allison does learn part of her family’s plan however.  It involves a sheriff taking wolfsbane into Isaac’s cell, enough of which will kill him.

You know, I like you a lot better, when your tongue isn’t permanently attached to my best friend’s face.”

Allison calls Stiles (Nice to see these two teaming up for a change.), and together they devise a plan . . .

Those Meddling kids

You remember last season how solid Alli was with a crossbow, right?  Well,  this week she uses those skills to put a flat tire in the wolfsbane carrying cop’s car, and to shoot him in the leg.  I’ve never really been an Allison fan.  But even I’ve got to admit that’s pretty bad ass.

Gives new meaning to the term “woody.”

Allison then heads to Isaac’s house (Isn’t that a crime scene?  How are all these people just entering and leaving it, willy nilly?), while Stiles bounds off to jail to somehow save Isaac,  who’s undergoing his first wolf transformation, as we speak.

In the basement of Isaac’s house, Derek again pitches his “Be All That You Can Be In My Pack” speech to Scott, who lectures his new packmaster on his seeming need to turn every lost soul in Beacon Hills into a werewolf, without properly informing them of the risks.  “I can make you a better werewolf.  I can teach you to use ALL your senses . . . not just your nose,” Derek teases his new pal, before heading off to the jail, himself.

Enter Allison.  She and Scott share some kisses and more angst, before Scott finally convinces her to lock him in the icebox during his transformation.  She hesitates, but ultimately obeys.  Moments later, that THING arrives.  It’s the same one that killed Not-Mitch Leery.  It sidles toward Allison, and she screams, grabbing her teeny tiny knife for protection.  (Where’s her crossbow?)

Scott hears her terror, and breaks out of his icebox, half-wolfed out, just in time to see the THING sprout lizard legs,  crawl on the ceiling and exit stage left.

“What the heck is that?” We wonder.  My pal Andre has an idea.

Of course, the more pressing question, for purposes of the show, anyway, is WHO is that?  My early money is on Creepy Camera Guy, (1) because he already seems kind of obsessed with Allison; (2) because he’s on the same lacrosse team as Isaac, and probably knew about his home situation; and (3) because his appearance thus far in the series has been totally random and seemingly useless.  (I mean, honestly, couldn’t Jackson have bought his own camera?)

Anyway, that’s my theory.  What’s yours?

My Hero!

Meanwhile, at the jail, Derek and Stiles are shamelessly flirting with one another.  Derek brags that he can easily distract the female guard with his hotness, while Stiles rescues Isaac.   Stiles watches Derek charm the pants off of the lady cop, clearly jealous . . . though it is uncertain whether it’s Derek or the cop that are earning most of his jealousy.

“That boy is such a tease.  I’m not letting him borrow my shirts anymore.   That’s for sure.  Fool me once, big guy!”

By the time Stiles gets to Isaac’s cell, two important things have happened (1) Wolf Isaac broke out of his cage; (2) Limpy, the wolfsbane carrying cop, who Allison shot, has returned to the jail.  Isaac promptly attacks and disarms him, before turning his attention on a now-scared sh*tless Stiles.  Worry not though, it’s Derek and his ruby eyes to the rescue.

All he has to do is show his teeth to Wolf Isaac, and the latter starts cowering in the corner.   “How did you do that?” Stiles asks, breathlessly, passion in his eyes.  (Yes, I know I’m laying it on thick. ;))

“I’m the Alpha,” Derek says confidentally,  before exiting stage left.

I’m not sure if it’s that simple though . . . One could argue that Isaac submitted to Derek’s will, not because Derek is the Alpha, but because Isaac instinctively fears abuse from his parental figures.  Would Scott have yielded in this situation?  Or Jackson?  Or Lydia?  Only time will tell . . .

Stiles’ dad enters the jail, just in time to find Stiles standing awkwardly in a room filled with one unconscious werewolf, and one unconscious sheriff.  “He did it,” Stiles exclaims adorably, pointing at Isaac.

It’s a brilliantly understated ending to a well-written pair of premiere episodes.  Don’t you think?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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“We find them, and we kill them. We kill them ALL!” – A First Look at Teen Wolf Season 2

Wake up, Stiles!  It’s time for a new season . . . 

Last summer, MTV, home to “masterpieces” like Teen Mom and Real World: Season 265, surprised everyone, by taking a cheeseball 80’s movie starring Michael J. Fox, as the hairiest high school basketball star ever . . .

  . . . and turning it into a genuinely entertaining, smart, well-acted, and, at times, even downright scary, television drama series . . .

I mean, sure, at the beginning, most of us were just watching Teen Wolf for the pretty naked men.  Because, let’s face it, there was A LOT of that . . .

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“Doctor, why am I wearing pants?  Don’t you know I appeal more to the 18-34 demographic without them?”

 . . . but somewhere along the way we actually started giving two craps about these characters . . . wondering what was going to happen to them, and guessing who the mysterious Alpha Wolf would end up being . . .

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Hint:  It wasn’t This Guy . . .

Now, that the series is entering its sophomore season, the stakes are even higher for both its writers and actors.  No longer will Teen Wolf be blanketed under the protection of diminished expectations

No longer will the mere promise of gratuitous images of Tyler Hoechlin’s abs, be enough to keep us coming back for more . . .

OK, that’s a lie . . . I’d totally watch a show, just to see this . . . 

Coming into Season 2,  fans are going to expect even more blood, guts, and gore . . .

 . . . massive plot twists . . .

 . . . sex scenes that give the TV Ratings system the middle finger . . .

 . . . romance . . .

 . . . adventures in homoeroticism . . .

. . . and, yes, even some character development . . .

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So, the REAL question is, can the series continue to deliver?

Without further adieu I proudly present to you, both the first official Teen Wolf Season 2 trailer, and the first ten minutes of the show’s sophomore season premiere . . .

 

(Special thanks to my blogging pal Andre for the awesome screencaps you see below.)

My first impression of the new season is that the writers and producers have cleverly taken the aspects of the series that worked in Season 1, and amplified them in Season 2.  For example, Season 1’s pilot featured a whole lotta half-naked Scott . . .

 The first ten minutes of Season 2 features a whole lotta half-naked EVERYBODY . . .

Season 1 revolved largely around Scott adjusting to his new werewolf persona . . .

Season 2 will feature Jackson, Lydia, and at least two new characters adjusting to their new lives as supernatural creatures . . .

 Season 1 explored the various differences between Beta werewolves and the supposedly all-powerful Alpha . . .

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Season 2 will introduce new species into the mix.  Among these species will be the much-discussed Omega wolf (The first episode of the season will be entitled “Omega.”), the shapeshifting “abomination” that’s brutally eviscerating townspeople throughout the season, and whatever the f*&k Lydia is now (a wolf?  a banshee?).  Of course, there’s always the possibility that all three of these entities are actually one in the same . . .

*snickers*  Season 2’s Big Bad kinda looks like Batman. 

“Beef jerky . . . yum.”

Which brings me to my next comparison . . . the Main Murder Mystery.  In Season 1, fans knew that it was the Alpha who had been committing brutal murders throughout the town.  However, they weren’t quite sure of the Alpha’s identity.  Many fans initially expected Jackson, due to his increasingly bizarre behavior, and the wackadoo hallucinations he suffered, throughout the series . . .

This season, I suspect one of the main suspects for the brutal murders around town will be Lydia, who was brutalized by the Alpha last season, but never actually turned into a werewolf.  Like with Jackson, the first ten minutes of Season 2 show Lydia experiencing bizarre hallucinations.  She also seems, based on the trailer, to regularly blackout, and awaken nude (SURPRISE!) in close proximity to where the murders are taking place.

My current theory?  Lydia is NOT the Season’s Big Bad at all . . . but actually a banshee, inevitably drawn to death, and forced to harken its arrival, through ear-piercing cries of agony.  (It would certainly explain all her screaming . . . though I’m not sure why being bitten by an Alpha wolf would cause someone to morph into this.)

Season 1 introduced us to the Argents, a crazy werewolf-slaying family, who, despite their supposed adherence to some sort of Code of Conduct, possessed a strong tendency to kill first, and ask questions later . . .

In Season 2, they are still the Argents.  And they are still crazy.  Now, there just seem to be more of them . . . and they have KNIVES . . . lots and lots of knives . . .

SCOTT: “Uhh . . . Derek, is that a knife in my ass, or are you just really excited for Season 2?”

For me, two of the weakest aspects of the first Season of Teen Wolf were the snooze-worthy supposed-Romeo and Juliet relationship between Scott and Allison . . .

And some of the more laughable CGI graphics on the show . . .

With respect to the former, I suspect that the Romeo and Juliet-ness of Scott and Allison’s story will only increase, now that Allison knows she’s a huntress, and her family knows that Scott is a werewolf . . .

“You were supposed to be MY boyfriend, dammit!”

However, whether these heightened circumstances actually serve to make this relationship more interesting to watch remains to be seen.  I, for one, am still skeptical . . .

As for the CGI graphics on the show . . . well . . . that little Leap Frog Number Scott was doing on the way to Allison’s house definitely made me giggle .  . . though, I suspect that wasn’t its intention.

Is he supposed to be running or taking a sh*t?

On a much more positive note, I absolutely predict that Season 2 will feature much more STILES!  And that, my friends, is a very good thing . . .

But hey, writers. . . let’s get the guy a little romance this summer, OK?  He’s earned it . . .

So, my fellow wolfbangers, it’s your turn to sound off on the first sneak peeks of Season 2.  What are your thoughts on the new characters?  The new creatures?  Scott’s new haircut?  Jackson’s new abs?  Who do you think is this season’s Big Bad?  Why wasn’t Derek naked in ANY of these shots?

And, perhaps most importantly, who was Stiles dreaming about in the first five minutes of the episode?  Lydia . . . the night nurse . . . Derek . . .  or Danny?

That’s all I’ve got.  See you on June 3rd, my fellow werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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The Rise of Evil Louis-bot – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “I Am Number Nine”

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Greetings, Upper East Siders!  First off, though I most certainly missed posting this recap by November 7th, I wanted to take this super special opportunity to wish you a Very Happy Limoversary.  Not sure what a Limoversary is, GG fans?  Well, I’ll give you a hint . . .

That’s right, GG’ers, four-years ago today, Chuck and Blair were getting busy in the backseat of one very lucky limo.  And despite all the time that has passed, I’m still 100% convinced that this scene remains one of the best television love-making scenes of ALL TIME.  Don’t believe me?  Well, then I suggest you give it another look .  . . for old time’s sake . . . of course. 😉

To this day, every time I hear the song “With Me,” by Sum 41, it still makes me a little tingly .  . . which is probably why it remains on high rotation on my iPod, over four years after it was released . . .

While the GG writers regretably did not pay direct homage to this Chair-gasmic moment, in “I Am Number Nine,” it is sort of fitting that this episode aired on Limoversary.  In fact, it could be easily argued that Episode 6 has allowed Chuck and Blair to come full circle in their relationship from where they were on that fateful, November 7, 2007.

Just as that split second, when Chuck turned toward Blair in the limo, and asked her, “Are you sure?” catapulted the pair from sexually-tense frenemies into the Glorious Abyss of Genuine Coupledom .  . . so too did Chuck’s Epic Apology Speech this week provide a clean slate for the pair . . . enabling them to start fresh.  And this moment, Chair fans — much like the Limo Scene that preceded it — is one we will inevitably look back on as the event that ultimately enabled Chuck and Blair to form an even more perfect union than the one they once had . . .

Speaking of weddings, Blair, apparently still thinks she’s having one with Louis-bot . . .

And that means she’s gotta get herself a bridesmaid . . .

So ya wanna be a bridesmaid?

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(OK . . . what exactly is Blair wearing on her head, here?  Because it vaguely resembles a man’s jockstrap?)

I’m not going to say too much about Blair’s Fierce Minion Bridesmaid Competition, since about 98% of the scenes relating to this storyline appeared in the CW promos for the episode.  (See, and this is why I always prefer Canadian Promos!  Riddle me this, American Promo Writers: Why on Earth, would you promote a television program, by only showing scenes from one, rather insignificant and not particularly entertaining portion, of an upcoming episode?)

While I’m in a gripey mood, let me continue on this whiny track, for just a few more moments.  Now, I understand that there can be only one Maid of Honor at Blair’s wedding.  And that honor should absolutely go to Serena.

Friends that lay together . . . stay together. 

But, who the heck told her she had to limit herself to ONE bridesmaid?  Is that a Royal Wedding Thing?  Because, from where I come from, women who through large weddings can have up to eight bridesmaids.  And this means ALL of Blair’s minions could have easily been included in the wedding.  (And besides, more bridesmaids, means a better Bachelorette Party and Bridal Shower, both of which we all know Blair wants very much.)

“It would take all three of us to afford you a really good stripper for your Bachelorette Party.  But, since we didn’t win the competition, you will be stuck with THIS GUY . . . “

Also . . . Crazy CHARLIE/Ivy/Call Me Serena?  SHE’S Blair’s choice for Bridesmaid?   Really?  It would have made more sense, if Blair selected DAN!  At least he actually talks to her, on occasion . .  (Plus, I hear he looks mighty pretty in a dress.)

“Why do you keep picking on me, Recapper?   What did I ever do to you?” 

(Sorry, Dan.  You just have a habit of posing for a lot of really ridiculous screencaps.  I can’t help but use them against you.)

That said, it was fun to reunite with the minions again (minus Nelli Yuki, of course).  Puss Face Penelope, in particular, has always been a minion, near and dear to my heart.

As for the Bridesmaid Competition itself, my favorite part, I think was when Blair yelled “cover that baby bump,” to her prospective bridesmaids, as they fumbled with a mannequin version of Blair, and one of the minions (I think it was Jessica) said, “What Baby Bump?”

It’s true.  When are they going to start putting the basketball up Blair’s designer dress, so that she actually looks to be with child . . . Lately, all it seems like all they are doing differently with her, is making her dress a tad more grandma-like, than usual.  (See outfit above.)  And wearing grandma clothes does  not a baby mama make . . .

For the record, I’m pretty sure, my grandmother actually owned this shirt. 

Anywhoo  . . . after the girls braved the “physical portion” of the competition, the second part, involved attending the episode’s “Party of the Week,” and being the first to kiss the Most Eligible Bachelor in attendance.  And I bet you will never guess who THAT was?

Nope . . . guess again!

It’s NATE ARCHIBALD! 

To make a long story short, Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena ends kissing Nateypoo first.  And, as a result, she  is the one that ultimately wins with the so-called coveted position of Blair’s bridesmaid.  (This is only after Penelope accidentally FALLS into a member of the waitstaff, an infraction that apparently merits instant bridesmaid disqualification.)

Actually . . . these two look kind of cute together.  Don’t you think? 

Now, how Faux Charlie got herself into this unique predicament, is another story entirely . . .

Catch a Cougar by the Toe

While I enjoy Elizabeth Hurley has an actress, and think her character Diana has become a fun little, pot-stirring, addition to the cast, I can’t say I’m all that enthused about her “relationship” with Nate.

“Would you like me to sing you a lullabye, before I kiss your winkie, goodnight?” 

I mean, really, how many times can a person screw on a wooden desk top, before it starts getting boring .  . . (not to mention, all those painful ass splinters).

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Yes, Chuck . . . we KNOW!

 For me, more interesting than anything Diana had to do involving Nate and Faux-Charlie this week, was her surprising decision to help Serena out with HER problems (more on those later), and, of course, her awkward little meeting with Chuck.  (“You look very familiar . . . MOM!”)  I’m just glad he didn’t hit on her, because that would have REALLY made me gag.

“Excuse me, you look very familiar.  Have you ever breast fed me?”

But back to Diana and Nate . . . It’s the eve of the launch party for Diana’s online Gossip Rag, The Spectator.  Nate is suddenly SUPER interested in him and Diana taking their “relationship” public, as opposed to just f*&king on all PUBLIC surfaces.  In fact, he takes things one step further, by insisting Diana take HIM as her date to the launch party.  But Diana isn’t having it, and makes some lame excuse about not mixing business with pleasure.

“But mixing business with pleasure is the only reason I took this job.  You didn’t think I actually wanted to WORK, did you?” 

Then Diana makes the mistake of having Charlie/Ivy / Call Me Serena and Nate deliver her party invitations for her.  Faux Charlie inevitably bails on her invitation delivery, opting instead to participate in Blair’s Bridesmaid Competition. (She hopes to cover the Blouis Nover Going to Happen Royal Wedding, first hand, for the Spectator.)  This results in Nate, picking up her slack, and ultimately delivering an invitation to Diana’s ACTUAL date to the party, and sort-of boyfriend, the much more age appropriate, but decidedly less attractive, “Keith.”

“I’d tell you off, right now, but I have about 30 marshmallows in my mouth . . .” 

Nate, of course, is furious (or, at least, as furious as his baby brain cells allow him to be).  And Faux Charlie, who knows nothing about Nate screwing Diana (though, honestly, I don’t see how anyone in the Upper East Side could NOT know, given what massive sluts these two are), and thinks only that Nate is hung up on some random girl, decides to use Nate’s heartbroken-ness to win Blair’s Bridesmaid Competition, by gallantly offering to go to the Spectator Launch Party as Nate’s date, to help make his lady love jealous.

The plan works.  Faux Charlie successfully shoves her tongue down Nate Archibald’s throat (Hmmm . . . I wonder if she got a contact high from that?) right in the middle of Diana’s Big Launch Party Speech (RUDE!)  Seeing Nate kiss another woman clearly has an effect on Diana, who stops mid speech to gawk at the not-so-couple.

“Call me, Diana.” 

But Diana gets her revenge later by (1) calling out Faux Charlie for only kissing Nate as part of a “game;” (2) ultimately, deciding to go public with her relationship with the guy who is LITERALLY young enough to be her son, on HER website, of all places;

and (3) threatening Faux Charlie to keep her grimy imposter paws off her Nateypoo, or else she will reveal the Faker’s true identity . . .

Game, Set, Match.  Diana: 1 / Faux-Charlie: 0

The Only Thing Dan Will Ever Have in Common with Mark Zuckerberg . . .

“It’s all in the hair . . .” 

Who knew there was such a commercial market for Dair Fanfiction?  Apparently, Dan’s book, “The Inside” is number nine on the Best Seller’s list.  But when he meets with Serena’s boss about his writing the screenplay for the film (a condition of his giving her the movie rights), she peppers him with TERRIBLE story demands, like that the movie be made into a musical, and contain a new adorable orphan character, a la Oliver Twist . . . since Dan hasn’t really been the “outsider” he claims to be,  since around the second episode of Season 1 . . .

“Come on, Dan!  Haven’t you always been looking for an excuse to showcase your kickass dance moves?”

Donut Dan — who undoubtedly had dreams of Ryan Gosling playing his character — balks at the idea, and storms out in a huff.  (Wow, it didn’t take long for HIM to become a DIVA.)  Enter Serena, who convinces Dan to give up the idea of writing the screenplay, because he’s “too close to the subject matter.”  Besides, he should be planning his second novel . . . which, undoubtedly, will be another Dair fanfiction .  . .  Serena then promises to look out for Dan’s best interest, with respect to the screenplay for Inside, which, if we all know Serena, inevitably means, she’s about to let him down . . .

“Not to worry, GG fans, there are OTHER ways I can satisfy Dan.  I’ve been told I have a mouth like a hoover.

Enter Serena’s b*tchy boss.  As it turns out, she never planned on letting Dan write the screenplay after all.  And had brought up all those lousy story ideas on purpose, just to scare him off of the project.  She’s had Aaron Sorkin lined up to write the thing, all along!  Go figure!

This, of course, makes Serena feel like total crap, for the unwitting part she played in selling her ex-boyfriend down the river.  But she feels like even WORSE crap, when she learns that it is her boss’ intention to make Dan’s thinly veiled character the VILLAIN of the piece, a la Mark Zuckerberg’s character in the social network.

OH THE HORROR!

Honestly, I don’t see what the big fuss is about over this?  Dan, himself, said that his character was selfish, self-absorbed, and uber judgmental.  So, what’s the big deal, if the film about the movie portrays him as such.  After all, wasn’t it Dan, himself, who argued for his ability to take “creative license” in making all his friends and family look like crap in HIS book.  By “Zuckerberg-ing” Dan, wouldn’t Aaron Sorkin and co., just be returning the favor?

Just saying . . .

Nevertheless, Serena is desperate to keep her promise to Dan.  And she finds help in doing that, from the most unlikely of sources . . . DIANA.  Apparently, Diana has some dirt on Serena’s boss, that’s simply too juicy to be avoided.  With the snap of Diana’s fingers, she gets Serena’s boss to kill the film project.  Unfortunately, this also has the effect of getting Serena fired, which, of course, is exactly what Diana intended.

“I talk like a phone sex operator, and scheme like a soap opera villainess.  You can learn a lot from me, S.” 

If this was an HBO show, these two would definitely be doing one another . . .

You see, Diana somehow believes that her BIGGEST competition in the media market, is some pimply-teen named Gossip Girl, who runs a free website, which details the lives of the same five people every day.  And Diana hopes to run this girl out of business, by hiring Serena to write her own autobiographical blog for the Spectator.  (That’s funny.  I didn’t know Serena could write . . .)

And if this first blog entry is any indication, SHE CAN’T! 

Serena is hesitant at first.  However, she loves the idea of letting the public know the REAL her, and ultimately accepts.

“XOXO, THIS, Gossip Girl!”

The only problem is that Humpty Humphrey is a selfish bastard, and, upon learning his precious film project has been killed, blames SERENA for doing this on purpose so that SHE won’t look bad on film.  Sorry, Serena!  No good deed goes unpunished.

But hey, at least Dan’s lame book isn’t on the Best Seller List, anymore!  Better luck season, buddy!

“Hey, now we’re both has-beens!” 

And now, finally, the storyline you’ve ALL been waiting for . . . Well, at least it’s the storyline I was most eager to recap . . .

The Incredible Shrink-ed Chuck

Look at me . . . all evolved, and surrounded by books that aren’t porno magazines . . .”

Haha.  I love how Louis-bot went from Soggy Sponge to Cheesy Cartoon Super Villain, in the matter of one week.  I guess the GG writers thought we needed to see Louis-bot as evil, so that we would know he wasn’t the right man for Blair.  But, come on!  Give us fans a little credit!

“With a name like Blouis . . . it has to suck!” 

We’ve always known that Louis-bot isn’t the right man for Blair.  For starters, he ISN’T CHUCK! He’s also a FRIGGIN ROBOT!  So, there’s really no need to underestimate our intelligence, by temporarily turning Louis-bot into a mustache twirling cretin, for the sake of this plot.

*Insert evil, heavily accented, laugh here* 

Nevertheless,the story begins with Chuck describing to his new therapist his surprisingly phallic dream about chasing some unattainable skyscraper.  (Somehow, when I used to picture Chuck’s dreams, I always figured they would regularly feature various instances of sex with Blair . . . well hoped they would, is more accurate.

Dream a little dream of us . . . 

 Though Chuck immediately assumes that the skyscraper represents the unattainable love of his supposedly departed parents, Lady Shrink thinks his subconscious is hiding some deeper loss.  *cough Blair cough*

That’s right, boys and girls. Blair is apparently the p*nis-looking architectural structure of Chuck’s fantasies . . .

Chuck knows it . . . his shrink knows it . . . and every single person who has ever watched GG knows it.  It’s just that no one is ready to talk about it quite yet . . .

Lady Shrink leaves the session more than a bit frustrated with her client’s apparent emotional blockage.  Then, out pops Louis-bot and his overtly effeminate umbrella.  Most villains tend to have an evil pet, who they lovingly stroke, while making plans for world domination.  But the umbrella seems a more fitting evil accessory for this cyborg.  Besides, robots usually don’t know how to take care of animals.

OK . . . so, watching the scene again . . . it appears that, Lady Shrink is actually the one holding the girly umbrella, not Louis-bot.  That won’t stop me from pretending it’s his, though.  Because that’s just how I roll . . .

Louis-bot has an EVIL JOB for Lady Shrink to do.  And he pays her to do it, with a big fat envelope of cash, which he hands to her in broad daylight, without any apprehension at all that someone, like say GOSSIP GIRL, could have easily witnessed the exchange.  SUPER VILLAIN FAIL!

I love how, in honor of his new evil persona, Louis-bot has been programmed to speak with a bizarre accent that is twice as incomprehensible as the one he usually uses to utter his dialogue.  I know we are supposed to be terribly frightened by Louis-bot’s maniacal plans to catapult Chuck into Crazy-dom.  And yet,  when the cyborg bleats out things like: “Tuhhhhhn Chack eeentooo tha monzterrr hez beeeeen fur tweenteee yeurz.  Fiynd heez fooze and liiiiiight eet.”   (Translated as: Turn Chuck into the monster he’s been for twenty years.  Find his fuse and light it.) I can’t help but giggle uncontrollably . . .

( . . . which is odd, because I usually find any form of a European accent on a man incredibly attractive . . . French, in particular.)

The next day, Lady Shrink pops by Chuck’s house for an impromptu un-therapy session.  And she immediately starts doing Louis-bot’s bidding, by attempting to invoke anger in Chuck, over his current situation.  “You have to face the fact that you didn’t let Blair go, you lost her to someone else.”  Lady Shrink prods . . . words alone that could have sent the Chuck of Old barrelling into a drunken rage, a season ago . . .

But, rather than lashing out in anger, New Chuck reacts with remorse to Lady Shrink’s accusations.  He even goes as far as to admit to Lady Shrink that, all this time, he’s been holding on to the Harry Winston ring with which he prepared to propose to Blair a couple of seasons ago . . . It’s a romantic gesture, for sure.  But also a symbolically problematic one, since the ring represents the Chuck and Blair of the past.  And, if these two individuals are ever going to find their way back to one another, which, of course, they will, they have to do it, as the individuals they are destined to become, not the ones they used to be.

LADY SHRINK: “I’m so turned on by you, right now.”

CHUCK: “I know.  . .” 

Lady Shrink is visibly affected by Chuck’s highly sentimental gesture, the ease with which he opened up to this sold out shrink, and Chuck’s sincerity toward completing his healing process.  As she leaves the Empire Hotel, Lady Shrink texts Louis-bot to tell him the plan is a no-go.

Louis-bot is FURIOUS that his plans for Blair-domination have, once again, been foiled.  He later accosts Lady Shrink at the dog park, when she tries to return the money-filled envelope to him.  Of course, Chuck is out there walking Monkey at the same time.  (Monkey  = TOTAL CHAIR FAN), and overhears MOST of the conversation.  But New Chuck no longer gets mad, when things don’t go his way, he gets even.

“We’ll show them.  Won’t we, Monkey?” 

At the Spectator Party, where, of course, Lady Shrink is also in attendance, Chuck begins in Old Chuck fashion, by accusing Lady Shrink of using hypnosis to rape him, a notion that really shouldn’t be funny at all, but is funny . . . at least in this context.

Dammit!  He wasn’t supposed to remember that .  . .” 

When Lady Shrink denies it, Chuck tells the truth that Louis-bot has been paying Lady Shrink to reveal confidential information about her and Chuck’s therapy sessions together.

“Clearly, I have been traumatized.  Would anyone here like to give me a hug . . . BLAIR!” 

Upon hearing this announcement, Lady Shrink is embarrassed and disgraced; Blair is furious; and Louis-bot looks like he needs an oil change.  Of course, Diana is thrilled, because this would be a pretty awesome “cover” story for her online tabloid.

BUSTED! 

When Blair confronts Louis-bot about this accusation, he doesn’t deny it,  deciding instead to admit to Blair that he has found the paternity test, which suggested that Blair doubted the her baby was his, and may have been looking for a way out of marrying him.  (No word on the OTHER obvious reason one would get a paternity test . . . that she f*&ked some other guy, at the same time she was f*&king you.)

Ummm . . .  so I guess the paternity test confirms the baby is half-robot, after all.  BUMMER!

Blair makes up some B.S. about wanting them both to have the peace of mind of knowing that they belong together.  Louis responds that he needs Blair to see that Chuck is “wrong for her.”  (Yeah, Louis-bot. Go watch the first two seasons of Gossip Girl, and try and make that statement again, with a straightface, would you?)

Then Blair accuses Louis-bot of TURNING INTO Chuck, and storms off.  (HE WISHES!)

Lady Shrink redeems herself a bit, at least, in my eyes, by taking the time to tell Chuck how threatened Louis-bot is by Blair’s love for him.  She also admits to him that, even though she tried to provoke him, Chuck chose, instead to actually make her wack-therapy session productive, by letting go of his past.  “Continue down that road, and you may find some kind of peace,” instructs Lady Shrink, as she hands Chuck back his ring.

“Will you marry me, Chuck Bass!”

Aha!  So, Lady Shrink is Team Chair, after all!  It kind of makes me wish Louis-bot wasn’t able to so easily corrupt her, as she probably could have been a REALLY AWESOME therapist for Chuck, under other circumstances.

That night, a man comes to Blair’s house to apologize, and she assumes it’s Louis-bot.  BUT IT’S SOMEONE WAY BETTER!  Watch and learn, GG’ers!

Poignant  . . .touching . . . and absolutely perfect, this scene has secured my fate in a Happily Ever After for Chuck and Blair, even if such an ending might still be very far away.  It was super nice of GG writers to read our blogs, tumblrs and message board comments, about all the unresolved baggage between Chuck and Blair, and address it in one, sweeping, well-acted, by Ed Westwick,  and all encompassing monologue by the inimitable Chuck Bass.

There was an apology for that terrible moment in Chair history, when Chuck struck out at a glass window WAY TOO CLOSE to Blair’s head, upon learning that she was someone else’s fiance . . .

. . . an apology for the missed connection at the Empire State Building, to which Blair arrived, following Dorota’s giving birth, to accept Chuck’s proposal of marriage, only to find him long gone . . .

. . . an apology for Chuck’s trading Blair for a hotel .  . .

. . . an apology for the games Chuck and Blair played with one another throughout much of Season 2,  during which neither felt comfortable saying those very important three words, and eight letters to one another, out of fear of getting their hearts broken . . .

Source

And, of course, perhaps, most importantly, there was this . . .

Source 

Blair likely didn’t know how much she needed to hear these apologies from Chuck, until she heard them.  And her reaction to these words is a perfect mix of admiration, adoration, acceptance, and sadness.  I simply adore how Chuck told Blair he knew that she would be an amazing mother, because she never gave up on people, even when they deserved it.  I also loved Blair’s subtle admission that she would continue never to give up on Chuck.  And though, it was hard for me to hear as a Chair fan, I was proud of Chuck  for his maturity, in deciding that he would try to live for himself from now on.

And yet, like Blair, I wanted something more.  I wanted Chuck to tell Blair that he still loved her, and would always love her, even if they spent the rest of their lives apart.  Perhaps, it wouldn’t have been the most MATURE thing to say.  And it certainly would have gone against the notion of “closure” Chuck was obviously aiming for, in making this speech.  Yet, I think it would have had a bigger impact on Blair than Chuck thinks it would . . . and would have gone a long way toward getting her out of this sham of a marriage with Louis-bot.

Speaking of Louis-bot, he’s skipped town, so that Blair and him can spend some time apart.  Can I get a HELL-YEAH!

The episode then ends on a horribly depressing note, with Chuck walking to Harry Winston in the rain (no uber-effeminate umbrella for this guy, no sir!) . . .

 . . . and placing that SUPER EXPENSIVE ring on its door step, where surely no one will steal it .  . . after all, this is the Upper East Side, after all.   (Coincidentally, I’m going to Harry Winston, tonight.  Anyone want to join me?)

While “I Am Number Nine,” didn’t exactly end on a high note, next week’s promotion does give us some hope that next week’s episode will be a bit,  lighter, a bit naughtier, a bit maskier, and . . . dare I say . . . a bit CHAIR-IER?

Check out the CW promo here:

Not surprisingly, the Canadian promo is a bit more telling, not to mention, enticing . . .

Am I right?  Or am I right?

Until next time, Upper East Siders.  XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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There Goes My Baby – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Fasting and The Furious”

BLAIR: “Your mother is requiring my baby to have an oil change, and a battery recharge, every month?  But that doesn’t make any sense! No human child needs Double D Batteries to live!” 

LOUIS-BOT: *whistles uncomfortably*

(By the way, special  thanks to Home of the Nutty, for the gorgeous screencaps you see here.)

Greetings Upper East Siders!  It’s Yom Kippur in Gossip Girl World, a.k.a. The Day of Atonement, a.k.a. HUNGRY DAY.  What better time could there possibly be to tell your parents that you’ve been knocked up by a robot prince, than when they are too delirious with hunger to be truly disappointed in you for it?  Clearly, this is Blair’s and Louis-bot’s reasoning, when they finally confront their parents with news of Blair’s pregnancy, at the start of the episode.

ELEANOR: “But how is that even possible, Blair?   He’s a robo . . .”

CYRUS: (interrupts) “Now, now Eleanor, there’s no need to be rude toward our cyborg future son-and-law (through his teeth) we don’t want the Queen to have us beheaded.” 

QUEEN SOPHIE: “Yippee.  I always knew you would be a marvelous baby making machine.  You have spectacular child-bearing hips.  That said, you WILL agree to unplug murder the child, in the event that it’s not a boy, right? 

Blair’s and Louis-bot’s gamble, in choosing to reveal this information when they did, actually seems to be a good one.  After all, aside from Blair’s mom’s reminder that Blair hasn’t finished college yet (I’m glad SOMEBODY remembered!), the parental units seem to take the baby news shockingly well.  Of course, this does move up the couple’s wedding plans, just a bit.  “We don’t want another bastard on our hands!” Sophie jokes pointedly.

Hmmm . . . did she mean a bastard, as in a child born to an unwed mother?  Or a BASS-tard?

“I’m Baby Bass.” 

Doing it Doggy Style. . .

Meanwhile, elsewhere in town, the Dan /Chuck /Monkey bro-dog-mance continues . . .

Source

Apparently, Dan has bought a little gift for Monkey.  It’s a black, shiny S&M collar.  How thoughtful!

“You know, Dan.  If you want to play dirty sex games with me, all you have to do is ask.” 

Upon seeing the naughty collar, Chuck gleefully notes that he knows a lot of women, who would look good in it, which basically means, that a lot of Chuck’s sexual partners have REALLY thick necks . . .

Not you, Blair.  YOUR neck is perfectly proportioned. 

It’s not all that surprising that Dan is showering Chuck and Monkey with sex toys, when you consider that, at this point in the story, Chuck and his trusty canine sidekick are they only people on the show who don’t HATE DAN’S GUTS.  I mean, Dan’s own DAD isn’t even returning his calls, for crying out loud!

“I don’t know why you’re mad, Rufus.  If it weren’t for me, you would never have gotten that job offer to be on Real Househusbands of NYC.” 

Always one to look on the bright side of things, Chuck reminds Dan that, at least now, all his so-called friends and family are ignoring them, because they hate him . . . as opposed to before, when they ignored him, because they didn’t know he existed.   (Good point!)  Someone who DID always seem to know Dan existed was Serena.  And when she calls Dan and invites him out for coffee, the Dopey Donut becomes immediately convinced his days as a Social Pariah are over . . .

Haha!  Sucks for him!

Silly Dan!  Clearly, he hasn’t watched the first four seasons of Gossip Girl.  Because, if he did, he would know that nobody forgives ANYONE on this show, without getting horrible revenge on them for whatever bad thing they’ve done, first.

Meanwhile, Monkey — who clearly takes after his owner — starts sniffing the butt of some seemingly random shrink’s dog . . .

“I’m Monkey Bass . . . and you have a nice ass.” 

This, of course, gives Chuck the “fabulous” idea that he and the lucky shrink should ALSO be sniffing eachother’s butts.  After all, what’s good enough for Monkey is good enough for Chuckie, right?  Shrink Lady immediately assesses Chuck as someone who’s in need of some serious sexual favors psychological help.  So, she offers him her business card.

“For a good time, call . . .” 

Chuck wastes absolutely no time, plopping himself on Shrink-o’s therapy couch, and propositioning her . . .

Source

Unfortunately, Shrink-o REJECTS HIM!

The way I see it, there can only be three logical reasons for this: (1) she is a lesbian; (2) she is blind; or (3) she watches Gossip Girl, is a huge Chair fan, and isn’t willing to be this season’s Lame Plot Device to keep the happy couple apart . . .

“Hey!  I resemble that remark.” 

Whatever the reason, Chuck ends up leaving his first “therapy session,” with nothing but a $250 invoice, and a pair of these . . .

But, hey, at least he still has Monkey to keep him warm at night . . .

 .  . . which is more than can be said for a certain Dopey Donut . . .

Inside: The Movie (Based on a Best Selling Novel by Humpty Humphrey)

“When I portrayed you in my book as a shallow, drunken, slut, with no redeeming qualities, whatsoever, I meant it in the nicest way possible.”

Having been tasked by her new boss, Cruella Deville, with the assignment of securing the film rights for Dan’s SPECTACULAR novel, Serena is forced to suck up her pride, and invite her ex-boyfriend, F. Scott Fitzjackass, out for coffee. On the surface, Serena seems to play very nice with Dopey Donut.  But, if you watch her closely, you can tell she’s secretly plotting ways to murder him, by lighting his muppet-esque hair on fire .  . .

Dan, of course, is oblivious to all of this, and informally offers Serena the movie rights to his book, without a second thought.  But then, after Dan leaves the shop, his Evil ASS-istant (HATE HER!)  . . .

“Hi Dan.  I’m on my way out to eat some puppies, and smother newborn babies with pillows, but before I do that, let me entice you to do something else that will make your friends hate your guts . . .”

 . .  . calls to tell him that Harvey Weinstein wants the movie rights to Gossip Girl Inside.  So, of course, now Dan’s all “Serena, WHO?”

*insert game show buzzer noise*

Meanwhile, in the storyline that nobody’s cared about for weeks, but, which suddenly got interesting, in the last few seconds of this episode . . .

Blah, Blah, Blah Charlie/Ivy/ Call Me Serena, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blackmail / Spying

“Wake up, Faux Charlie, things are about to get exciting . . . for a change.” 

After information about Diana’s Poor Little Rich People Cell Phone Heist from last week is leaked to Gossip Girl, Diana finds, much to her chagrin, that her tawdry tabloid website cannot go live yet, without making Diana’s illegal deeds TOTALLY obvious to Manhattan’s elite.  Desperate for an alternative news source, Diana propositions both the blackmailed Faux Charlie, and Sex Toy Nate to find out information about their “pals” the Bass’ and Van Der Woodsens.

NATE: “You know, one of these days, I’m going to get a REAL storyline . . . one that doesn’t involve me getting manipulated by the middle-aged guest star my character is currently boning.”

DIANA: “It’s good to have to dreams . . .” 

Back at the Van Der Woodsen Mansion, Moronic Lily inexplicably tells Faux Charlie all about the Big Bad Safe filled with Big Bad Van Der Woodsen and Bass Family Secrets, before leaving with Rufus to attend the Waldorf’s Yom Kippur Thingy.

“I’d gladly leave you the combination to the safe, so that you could break in and use the Top Secret Information contained inside to destroy our lives.  Unfortunately, I don’t know how to count past the number five.” 

Charlie eventually entices Nate to help out with her “devious” plan.  Nate, for his part, secures the combination to the safe from Chuck Bass, who had broken into it with Serena once before.  (And, of course, the Van Der Woodsens didn’t think to change the combination, since then.  HOW IDIOTIC CONVENIENT!)

The combination to the safe ends up being Chuck’s mother’s birthday.  (Remember that . . . because it ends up being important later.)

After opening the safe, and extracting the documents hidden therein, Nate suddenly has a crisis of conscience.  He doesn’t want to deliver the information to Diana, even if it means he’ll never be the next John F. Kennedy, Jr.  (Umm  . . . Nate, next time, you might want to try having a role model who DOESN’T DIE REALLY YOUNG in a FREAK PLANE CRASH!  Just sayin’.).  Nate also reminds Charlie that, because she’s supposedly RELATED to the Van Der Woodsen’s, she probably shouldn’t want to expose their deep dark secrets, EITHER!

“Oh, that’s right.  For a second there, I forgot I was pretending to actually be a member of this f*&ked up, dysfunctional, family.  Thanks for reminding me.” 

Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena pretends to return the information to the safe, for Nate’s benefit.  But, of course, she ends up turning it over to Diana, anyway.  Now, HERE is where things finally get interesting . . .

“Don’t you wish every family had a folder conveniently labeled ‘Big Bad Family Secrets?’  It would make the often time-consuming art of successful blackmail SO much more efficient . . .” 

Diana surprises viewers, by actually RETURNING the folders to Faux-Charlie, claiming that none of the information contained within them is remotely newsworthy.  But then, after Faux-Charlie leaves, we see that Diana has kept ONE particular piece of information from Bart Bass’ folder.   It is . . . wait for it . . . a PICTURE OF DIANA from when she was a bit younger . . . like . . . say TWENTY YEARS YOUNGER.  (Now, how old is Chuck Bass again? ;))

Remember how I said that the fact that the combination to Bart’s safe was Chuck Bass’ mother’s birthday was significant?  Is it possible that Diana is Chuck’s long lost mother, once thought to be dead?

Though Diana burned the picture in question, before it could inevitably fall into the wrong hands, I think it’s VERY safe to say that this little tidbit of information is destinted to haunt the Upper East Side, sometime in the very near future . . .

Shrink-Wrapped Bass

Speaking of Chuck, he strikes out with the Good Doctor AGAIN, at the Waldorf’s Yom Kippur thingy.  (This has to be a record for him.)  What’s worse, as a consulation prize to sleeping with her, she decides to give him a free impromptu therapy session, right there in the street.  And the results are NOT pretty . . .

“That will be another $250, thank you for your time.” 

OK.  Now we know, FOR SURE, that the Shrink-o is a huge Gossip Girl fan.  Because she psycho-analyzes poor Chuck to a TEE!  She basically tells him that he never had a childhood, and therefore acts like a child, in all the worst ways.  She then explains to him that he pays for sex, so that he can always be in control.

“Your superficial connections, and lack of authentic emotion leave you isolated and alone . . . not just tonight, always.  I wish you all the best.  But you are going to need more than that to lead a happy and normal life,” she concludes.

 “Oh, and while we’re at it, why the heck did you f*&k that Raccoon Zombie, Jenny Humphrey, back in Season 3?  That was SO whack!  And don’t even get me started on that Raina thing . . .”

Wow, Lady!  Why don’t you tell Chuck, how you really feel?

*sniffles* “She was just SO MEAN!  All I wanted to do was give her the best sex she ever had in her long boring life!”

Of course, it seems more than a bit unrealistic that this woman — without being psychic, or spending hours with a Gossip Girl DVD box set — could surmise all of this about Chuck, after reading a few tabloid stories, and spending all of three minutes with him.  But what kept the scene from being completely ridiculous was Ed Westwick’s acting ability.  Watching Chuck take in this all-too-accurate assessment of his personality was pretty darn heartbreaking, as his glib cocky smile, gradually gave way to understanding, and, ultimately, depression . . .

Someone needs a hug . . . 

Westwick’s sublime mastery of this difficult scene almost makes me forget the fact that (1) Chuck came to this EXACT same realization last week, with Lily, making the shrink’s monologue a bit redundant; and (2) there was not a SINGLE Chair scene to be had in this ENTIRE episode . . .  ALMOST.

*silently seething* 

Anywhoo, at the end of the episode, Chuck calls this same shrink, but this time to set up a GENUINE appointment for some much-needed therapy . . .

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And if the CANADIAN PROMO for the next episode is any indication, this psychotherapy is going to have a MAJOR impact on the Chair relationship.  Now, whether that impact ends up being positive or negative, remains to be seen  .  . .

Elsewhere, on the Upper East Side . . .

Baby-Bot Needs a New Boarding School . . .


In-laws . . . gotta love em!

Tensions run high in the Waldorf household, when Louis-Bot’s Slimy Priest Kissing Wench of a Sister, Beatrice-Bot plants the seed in her mother’s head that Blair might not raise her baby in a way suited for a future Monaco royal heir.  So, Sophie then places a whole bunch of conditions on Blair, requiring her to give birth to the baby in Monaco, and have the baby attend boarding school there.

At first, Blair is appalled by Queen Sophie’s conditions.  But when she turns to her supposed bestie Serena for support, and Serena blows her off, because of WORK problems, of all things . . .

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(That’s funny, when Serena usually blows Blair off, it’s for sex with Random Guest Stars or Nate. . .)

 . . . Blair suddenly and inexplicably becomes convinced that she has NOTHING left for her in NYC (overdramatic much?), and instantly agrees to all of Queen Sophie’s conditions.

But wait . . . it gets worse.  Enter that annoying Tabloid Journalist witch, Diana who might be Chuck’s mom.  Hoping to snag a story for her stupid online Beta version of Gossip Girl, Diana indirectly helps Beatrice to (1) convince her mother that these baby-raising conditions need to be in writing; and (2) somehow insert into this oddball baby-raising contract provisions that are so preposterous even this new Stepford version of Blair won’t be able to agree to them.

“I just have to insert my wanker, into EVERY SINGLE storyline on this show, don’t I?”

The plan goes off, without a hitch of course.  As expected, Blair and her family are severely disturbed by the notion of having to sign this ridiculous contract, which, among other things, prevents Blair from ever spending more than 48 hours in New York, without prior approval of the monarchy.

“But how will I manage to maintain my inevitable marital affair with Chuck Bass, then?  Most of our sex sessions last at least six hours!”

But the biggest shocker, of course, comes from Louis-Bot, who ACTUALLY STANDS UP TO HIS MOTHER, for once.  (Blair has reprogrammed him well.)  When Queen Sophie publicly threatens to disown, and refuse to acknowledge, Louis-Bot, if his soon-to-be wife doesn’t sign the contract, Louis-bot turns around and replies that, as heir to the throne, it is Baby-bot’s decision whether HE (or SHE) chooses to acknowlege HER.  While, I’m not sure that’s true from a political standpoint (After all, what if Baby-Bot is female?  Would she still be more powerful than the reigning Queen?), kudos to Louis-Bot for FINALLY growing a pair . . .

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Well . .  . so much for THAT!

Oh, and Diana got her Big Bad Tabloid story, just in case you cared . . .

Headline of the Day: Royal Robot Wars . . . a.k.a. Real Steel 2, Electric Boogaloo

The altercation led to a very sweet exchange between Blair and her mother, though . . .

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And this, in turn, convinced Rufus to forgive his son for effectively portraying him as a high class male prostitute in his book!  So . . . YAY for positive parent-child relationships that aren’t Louis-bot’s!

 Speaking of Blair’s cyborg fiance, don’t know about you, but I found Louis-bot’s supposedly sweet remark that, “You’re my only family now,” at the end of the episode, to be more than a bit creepy.  I mean, really, when you think about it, a line like this is really just a hop, skip, and a jump from the much over-used, “If I can’t have you, NO ONE CAN!”

In fact, Louis-Bot proves himself to be a Fiance on the Brink of a Possible Psychotic Breakdown, when he finds Blair’s Paternity Test results and, rather, than immediately confronting Blair with them, he instead contacts . . . wait for it . . . CHUCK’S NEW SHRINK for help with the matter.

RUH-ROH!

How convenient is it that there’s seemingly only ONE therapist on the Upper East Side, and she just so happens to have a pooch who’s ass Chuck’s Monkey likes to sniff?  Be afraid, Blair Bear, be VERY afraid . . .

Oh, I guess I should finish telling you about Dan’s movie option, should I?

The Love of Her Life . . .

When Serena learns from a public television interview that Dan is NOT going to offer her the movie rights to his book, after all, she is SUPER PISSED . . .

I said PISSED . . . not wasted!

That’s better!

Furious with Dan for ruining her chances at success in a job that has suddenly become The Most Important Thing in Serena’s Life, at least, until next week our blonde book villain decides to sabotage Humpty Humphrey’s chances of selling the movie rights to his book to anyone else aside from her boss.  

Well . . . not really  . . . but it certainly wasn’t a very nice thing to do.

She does this by leaking to a major online publication a rumor that Dan has ALREADY promised the rights to Serena’s boss.

Slimy as it was, Serena’s Evil Plan ultimately WORKS, in that Dan eventually agrees to GIVE Serena’s boss the movie rights (but only because no one else gives two craps about him and his lame book anymore), provided that HE gets to write the screenplay.

(Seriously?  He writes screenplays, too?  What’s next,  Donut Dan for President?) 

Dan and Serena then have a heart-to-heart conversation about how Serena’s character, just like Nate’s, isn’t JUST her, but rather, an amalgamation of her, and other book and TV characters that Dan stole borrowed from alternative media sources because he lacks originality as an author.

“My second novel will be entitled SuperDan, and will feature a character that rises above his humble Brooklyn beginnings, to fly around NYC, and battle evil, while wearing a cape, and a bodysuit, with a big “D” emblazoned on the front.” 

This makes Serena feel a little better.  But she’s still bummed about the fact that Blair got to be the heroine of Dan’s book, while SHE is merely the Drunken Slutty Sidekick.

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Having considered Dan to be the Love of Her Life (and, considering how many people Serena has had sex with loved in her lifetime, this should be a HUGE honor for Donut Dan), Serena is hurt to learn that he might not feel the same way about her.  Dan later apologizes to Serena for this, claiming that it is WAY too early in Dan and Serena’s lives for them to know who the True Loves of Their Life are.  His MAY be Serena . . . but it also may be Blair (MAN, I HOPE NOT) . . .  or Chuck . . . or Monkey.  Who really knows?

That said .  . . Dan and Serena’s conversation does raise an interesting question about “soulmates.” Specifically, exactly how old does one have to be to recognize his or her True Love?  What do you think, GG’ers?  Do we need to wait until we are old and wrinkly, before we can figure out who the loves of our life are?  Or is this something we know instinctively, the moment we experience it?

*clears throat*

One thing is FOR SURE, however.  We definitely don’t need to wait until we’re old, to figure out, is who our True Friends are.

Therefore, it is fitting that, at the end of the episode, Serena FINALLY apologizes for being such a douchette to Blair, and COMPLETELY ignoring Queen B’s ass, while she was going through all this awful crap with her baby, and Louis-Bot’s despicable family.

As it turns out, Serena was merely acting out, because she was jealous of the generally positive way Blair was ultimately portrayed in Dan’s story, as opposed to the unbelieveably AWFUL way Serena was portrayed.  “You were the star of Dan’s book,” Serena admits with a pout.

“Well, it’s pure fiction,” Blair replies kindly, offering Serena a big ole hug . . .

AWWWWW! 

Here’s hoping these two besties never again let jealousy, selfishness, or boys get in the way of their eternal friendship.  *cough Fat Chance cough*

So . . . that was “The Fasting and The Furious,” in a nutshell.  In two weeks, Gossip Girl returns for “I Am Number Nine,” during which we will get our first taste of Bridezilla Blair, and her less-than-lucky prospective Bridesmaids . . .

(By the way, did you guys notice how the Canadian promo makes this upcoming episode look AWESOME, and the American one, above, makes it look . . . um . . . ridiculous, cheesy, dumb  slightly less awesome?  Weird . . .)

Anyway, I’ll see you all on November 7th.   Until then, XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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It’s Lonely on the Inside – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Memoirs of an Invisible Dan”

[For those looking for a recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” it’s on it’s WAY!  I just have to load a few more Delena-centric gifs ;), and rework some photo captions.  Best case scenario: it should be up early this afternoon.  Worst case scenario, it should be up by 7 p.m. (Eastern Standard Time)  There’s nothing wrong with being a little “fashionably late,” right? ;)]

“Say cheese, all you miserable people from Dan’s book!”

I’m going to break tradition by beginning this recap with a personal anecdote.  (I promise you it’s at least partially relevant to this recap.)  Here goes . . . I’m a