Tag Archives: Dermott Mulroney

The Passion of the Jess – A Recap of New Girl’s “Tomatoes”

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Ahhh . . . Russell, a.k.a. the Fancyman . . .

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Ever since the character started dating Jess, a few weeks back, we all pretty much suspected that he wouldn’t be long for this series.

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(Well . . . almost all of us.)

I mean, sure, he seemed nice enough.  He had a good job . . . lots of cash.

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The dude had a real talent for shot-gunning beer, and playing True American.

He even had the Nick Miller Stamp of Approval, something neither of Jess’ previous beaus on the show managed to obtain.

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And yet, there was just something about Russell’s and Jess’ relationship that was . . . how do I put this kindly . . . REALLY, REALLY BORING.

Given that, it’s not surprising that many New Girl fans (Nick and Jess shippers, in particular) have spent the last few weeks trying to predict what Unforgivable Faux Pas would chime the death knell for this particular relationship.

Would Russell say the dreaded “I love you,” too early, like Paul?  Would he buy Jess a cactus, like Julia did for Nick?  Would he cheat on Jess, like Spencer?

As it turns out, Russell’s downfall was much simpler than that.  And it all boiled down to one simple word . . . passion.

Though difficult to describe, passion is a surprisingly easy thing to see.  Either you have it . . .

.  . . or you don’t.

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In essence, that was what “Tomatoes” was all about . . . passion . . .and tomatoes . . . and Schmidt’s weiner . . .

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Let’s review, shall we?

Sowing the Seeds of a Brighter Tomorow

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The episode began with Nick swearing off women . . . for approximately ten minutes . . . opting instead to shower affection on something a bit less likely to break his heart and/or get him convicted of statutory rape and/or get him a VD . . . namely, tomatoes.  Yes, Nick was very serious about his tomatoes this week . . .  so serious, in fact, that he even built them their very own scarecrow . . . which he subsequently murdered . . .

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(By the way, if Martin Scorcese ever actually directed a remake of The Wizard of Oz, it would totally win an Oscar . . . just sayin’.)

 . . . but that’s neither here nor there.

As a Prospective Parent of Tomatoes, Nick was a doting, if unorthodox, father . . . one who ascribed to the Alicia Silverstone School of Child Nourishment.

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I don’t know about you, but I personally always enjoy a little backwash in my salad.

Unfortunately, for Nick, his friends were being less than supportive of his new endeavor . . . well, except for Jess, of course . . . who, in a sense, functioned as the Working Tomato Mom, to Nick’s stay at home dad.

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“You like my personality?”

Meanwhile, Cece and Schmidt were busy trying desperately to pretend that they were “just not that into one another.”

Ultimately, this extended game of foreplay resulted in Schmidt boning Cece’s German roommate, Nadia, who admitted to liking his face so much, she wanted to “punch, punch, punch” it.

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It was a match made in Heaven . . . or Fight Club, whichever you prefer.

Violent tendencies aside, here are some other things you should know about Cece’s roommate, and the things she likes  . . . (just in case you have any interest in “sexing her in the face” later . . . or something)

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Did I mention that she’s a violent jungle predator in the sack . . . her vajayjay may actually have a right angle in it, and that she turned Schmidt’s weiner into a battered highway cone?

Now, THAT’S a scene I would have liked to have seen . . .

But hey, if it got these two crazy kids to finally admit their feelings for one another, it was all worth it, right?

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Speaking of love, sex, and MAN PAIN IN YOUR PANTS  . . .

“Even if it’s harder and hurts more.” 

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*giggle snort*  “She said she wants it harder . . . That’s dirty!”

After an awkward naked hug with Russell’s ex wife Ouli in the local gym sauna (Personally, I never understood those women  — usually older women — who walk around gym locker rooms just gleefully flaunting their “wares” for all to see.  What’s up with that?  Is body self-consciousness something that just dies when you hit middle age?)

. . .  Ouli’s boobs hypnotize Jess, causing her to invite her along on a dinner date with her and Russell.  When Jess tells her boys about what she’s done, Nick gets this secretly happy glint in his eyes, recognizing that there might actually be some trouble in Fancy Man Paradise.

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Oh honey, you aren’t fooling ANYONE!

Jess isn’t worried, though.  She has this situation under control.  She’s great at dealing with awkward situations . . . and by great, I mean she tap dances to the song “Surrender,” and sings off key, whenever people around her are fighting.

At the Mexican restaurant, Russell, who’s barely changed his facial expression once, the entire time he he’s been with Jess . . .

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 . . . suddenly looks like he wants to ravage Ouli right there on top of the Nacho basket, as the two fight about something ridiculous . . . like donkeys, or getting lost on vacation .  . . or Ouli’s uber annoying habit of lisping authentic Southern Spain style, whenever she speaks in Spanish.

“Threesome, anyone?”

Jess is horrified, and yet just a little bit turned on.  Suddenly, she’s determined to evoke in Erstwhile Boringman Russell, the sex stud she briefly witnessed over her dinner of fajitas, margaritas, and Ouli.  (And yes, it did inspire her tap dance and sing “Surrender” in public restaurant.  Poor girl.)  During a decidedly boring date, during which Jess graded papers, and Russell did . . . well, whatever, rich people do during their spare time . . .probably count their money, or something . . .

. . .  Jess tried desperately to get Russell passionate about HER.

She starts simple, by saying think, over and over again, accenting the “K.”  Then she squats, and does her scary pop out eye thing in his face.  But when she tries to ravage him, right there on the couch, she totally isn’t having it.  “You hurt my teeth, Jess,” he whines.

Long story short, Russell gets dumped for failing to bring the passion.  YAYYYYY!  WOO- HOO!  YIPPEE!  What a shame!

“I want what you have with Ouli . . . even if it’s harder and hurts more,” she explains dejectedly, as she leaves his death trap of a car . . .”

Hasta la vista, Rusty.  You weren’t the first of Jess’ Non-Nick boyfriends.  And, unfortunately, you probably won’t be the last, either . . .

Elsewhere, Nick is failing miserably at Plant Parenthood.  And he’s taking all his anger out on Winston . . . he of the nauseatingly sweet “healthy relationship” he just won’t shut up about.  I feel your pain, Nick.  Happy people are THE WORST, especially, happy people in relationships.  They should just go hang out on another planet from the rest of us, as far as I’m concerned.

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That said, you know what made ME happy?  The last scene of this episode.  (Well, second to last, if you count that post credits roll of Schmidt and Winston gluing store bought tomatoes on Nick’s poor dying plant . . . He really shouldn’t have murdered that scarecrow.)

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Jess returns to the apartment after her last date with Russell, feeling miserable, dejected, and angry at the world.  And just when she wants to curl up in a ball in her room and die, out pops Nick in his sexy blue boxers, and white tee.  The sound of old timey music, and the scent of nauseating incense waft out of his room . . . i.e. the telltale signs of a seduction scene orchestrated by a guy who, mentally and emotionally, never really left college.

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I’d like to tell you it was all planned for Jess, but it wasn’t.

Because standing next to Nick is Caroline, wearing the telltale flannel, and smelling like sex . . . Nick Sex.  Jess is in a very vulnerable place right now.  She’s lonely, jealous, and frustrated.  And there, standing in front of her is her roommate, who’s about to make the biggest mistake of his life . . . with someone who is not her.

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Nick, of course, knows none of this.  He’s just happy to be screwing a girl who’s old enough to drink.  And Jess’ angry accusations and judgments are irking him, as much as they are secretly turning him on.  What unfolds in the next two minutes, is the most intense, awkward,  sexy, ridiculous, booty-shaking, fight-until-you-almost kiss-but-don’t-actually-kiss-because-we’re-probably-saving-that-for-the-season-finale-or-something moment I have ever witnessed in my LOOOOONG television history.

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Seriously, the sexual tension between these two was emanating from my television screen in waves that were so strong, I might have become unintentionally impregnated by their sheer force.  Jess, you wanted true passion, that’s HARD and HURTS (hint, hint, wink, wink).  Well, you got it, honey!

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Now, if we could just get that spare guest star girlfriend out of the way . . .

Until next time, New Girlians!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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“I want to rub my face all over his face!” – The Lazy Recapper takes on Mad Men, Game of Thrones, Gossip Girl, Glee and New Girl

[Don’t worry, Fangbangers!  Your TVD-cap of “Heart of Darkness” is on its way, and will hopefully be posted sometime before midnight, E.S.T. Friday, April  20th.  I promise to make it worth the wait.  And even if it isn’t, at least all those Delena gifs will be pretty to look at!]

 

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There was plenty to love in this week’s TV lineup: smart one-liners, shocking reveals, grown men engaged in fisti-cuffs, baby scares, illicit affairs, disco-dancing cross dressers, and even some chewing gum that got caught at the VERY WRONG PLACE at the VERY WRONG TIME.  So, of course, I wanted to “rub my face” all over all of it . . .

well . . . except for maybe the chewing gum (That’s just gross).

Let’s review shall we?

Game of Thrones – “What is Dead May Never Die”

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This week on Game of Thrones, Tyrion Lannister once again illustrated his cunning and overall awesomeness, by marrying off his 10-year old niece Myrcella off to two different (both twenty years her senior) at the EXACT SAME TIME . . .

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 . . . which, in Game of Thrones-land, isn’t nearly as creepy as it sounds.  OK . . . scratch that . . it’s absolutely as creepy as it sounds.  But you can’t blame Tyrion for living during an effed-up time.  Can you?

In other Tyrion news, DUDE, dump that Shae Wench.  And dump her fast.  Trust me on this one, little guy.  I’m only looking out for you . . .

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Elsewhere in Westeros, we met Renly Baratheon’s wife, Margaery, who we learned is a real . . . umm . . . how do I put it nicely, “team player,” when it comes to carrying out the Commandment of “Honor thy Husband.”

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She’s also VERY, VERY committed to her family.  (Perhaps, too committed?  Then again, isn’t everyone on this show.)

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This week, we were also introduced to Brienne of Tarth, who just so happens to be my favorite character from the George M.M. Martin book series on which this show is based.  Brienne kicked her king’s boyfriend’s ass in a jousting match, and earned herself a spot on the Kingsguard, as her chosen reward.

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(Personally, I would have asked for money . . . or a Vegas vacation . . . but that’s just me)

Still, I admire the androgenous Brienne’s strength and moxie.  She should REALLY do something about that hair though . . .  It makes her look  like Macauley Culkin . . .

Speaking of poor fashion choices . . .

Mad Men – “Signal 30”

This week on Mad Men, Don Draper joined the ever-growing Ugly Jacket Club . . .

He took it off a few minutes later to “fix a broken sink,” but that damage had already been done.  Honestly, if I was a guy who looked like Don Draper, I’d probably never wear a shirt . . . EVER.  And a jacket?  Well, that’s as superfluous an item of clothing as this clown nose . . .

 . . . particularly if it looks like it was made from someone’s picnic blanket . . .

And yet, this episode wasn’t really about Don and his questionable wardrobe choices.  It had a lot more to do with good ole Pete Campbell.

Pete had quite the busy week this week.  For starters, he went to driving school, and crashed and burned with a perky blonde high school chicky.  Dammit!  Who’s going to take Pete to the prom now?

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Pete also got to wine and dine some British big wig from Jaguar (which Brits apparently pronounce as “Jag-oo-arrrr.”)

“Tastes like my dignity . . . “

Helpful hint, Pete.  If you have to wear a big, while you are eating it . . . it’s probably not a classy meal.  You know what else isn’t classy?  Chewing gum on your dingaling . . .

Confused?  See . . . I forgot to mention that, after eating Baby Food with Bibs Pete and Mr. Jag-oo-arr traveled  to the Best Little Whore House in Manhattan, where Pete decided to role play a little Game of Thrones.  (He was Joffrey.)

 This may have seemed like good fun at the time.  But, ultimately, it resulted in SCDP losing the Jagooar account . . . thanks to Mr. Jagooar’s decision to get horizontal with one of those girls, who always leaves their chewing gum under chairs in public places  (I HATE people like that.), and clearly mistook Mr. Jagooar’s weiner schnitzel for one of those chairs.  Oops!

This business loss positively infuriate Lane, who had brought the account to SCDP in the first place.  A few harsh words were exchanged on both sides.  And, before you know it, this often stuffed shirted Madison Avenue advertising agency, had morphed into it’s very own version of Fight Club . . . with Lane playing the role of Tyler Durden as Brad Pitt, and Pete paying the much less lucky role of Tyler Durden as Ed Norton.

 In other words, Pete got his ass handed to him, BIG TIME.

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Let that be a lesson to you, folks.  Never mess with those Nerdy British types.  Not only are they surprisingly scrappy.  But most of them have never had chewing gum placed on their hot dog.  (They were much too busy beating people up in alleyways to concern themselves with such nonsense.)

While Pete went home early to lick his wounds (or, perhaps, have his wife lick them for him) . . .

“Don’t look at me, Don.  I’m HIDEOUS!”

 . . . Lane retired to his office, where he was promptly comforted by a newly maternal Joan.  “If they tried to make you feel different than them, you are.  And that’s a good thing,” she offered supportively.  Lane responded by doing this . . .

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AWWWWK-WARD!

Well . . . at least it could have been awkward, if Joan idn’t handle the situation like a TOTAL boss.

Her face inscrutably blank, Joan quietly rose to open the door, thereby decidedly closing off the possibility for Kiss: THE SEQUEL.  But then she came right back to sit down next to Lane, silently reassuring him that this would not change their business relationship or their friendship, in the slightest.  Though I strongly suspect both parties will be looking at one another a bit differently from now on . . .

Joan even offered her “pal” Lane some parting humor.  “Plenty of people have wanted to do that to Pete Campbell,” Joan mused.

I could think of a few . . . .

In other news, Ken Cosgrove is my spirit animal, because he’s a writer with a day job.  (In fact, he’s a much better writer than I am, if the excerpt from his short story at the end of this week’s episode is any indication.  I bet he doesn’t even NEED animated gifs as a substitute for real humor . . .)

Sexy legs too . . .

You keep writing, Ken!  Don’t let The Man get you down!

Roger Sterling a.k.a. The Man 

Speaking of writers forced to use pen names to maintain their anonymity . . .

Gossip Girl – “Salon of the Dead”

This week on Gossip Girl, Serena was almost expose by Lola as the new titular GG .  . . but then he wasn’t.  Sorry, Lola!  The idea of S as Gossip Girl is apparently a tough sell.  After all, up until she graduated high school few people on the Upper East Side even knew she could read and write . . .

Lola’s brief foray into super-sleuthing Veronica Mars territory wasn’t a total  wash, however.  She did manage to accidentally reveal Diana Mc Slutty Slut as Chuck’s real bio mom . . . a real that seemed to be a “Shocking Suprise” to the good fictional folks of the UES, even though it neither shocked nor surprised anyone who actually watches Gossip Girl.

Poor Chuck!  Is there anyone on this show who hasn’t abandoned my Baby Bass?

*clears throat*

Well . . . aside from Nate, of course . . .

 Ah . . . bromance

Though Chuck’s initial reaction to this reveal was to run like heck, eventually, he did manage to sit down for an adult heart-to-heart, with Whorey van Whoreson.  Of course, it wasn’t long before mother and child were forced to grapple with the overwhelmingly ickly realization that Chuck’s mommy had been porking his best friend and roommate just inches away from where Chuck slept.  “I was planning on watching you from afar,” Diana said.

“Nate’s bed isn’t that far,” Chuck quipped.  (Well, she sure walked right into that one!)

Ahhh . . . good ole Chuck . . . always bringing the funny, even though he just foun out his mom is a slutty child molester from a video uploaded to his cell phone by a Special Guest Star, and the love of his life is dating a donut with Chia Pet hair . . .

In other much less interesting news, Blair and the Donut had the Lamest Coming Out Party ever . . . In fact, it was soooo bad, they both had to leave at the same time “to get ice.”  (You know a party is crap, when the hosts can’t even wait to leave it.)  To make matters worse, the Happy Couple, couldn’t even be bothered to invite their REAL friends, the Non-Judging Breakfast club to their party.  Of course, the crew ended up crashing anyway.  But it didn’t save the lameness of the event . . . or this increasingly sour storyline . . .

You know what might have saved this party though . . . some dancing . . .maybe even a little disco dancing.

Glee – “Saturday Night Gleever”

The few of you out there, who used to read my Gleecaps know that the show and I haven’t exactly been speaking terms lately.  And yet, each week, I always manage to find some aspect of the episode that I love.  This week my heart went out to a sassy cross dresser named Unique, and her Boogie, Boogie Shoes . . .

Also, Lord Tubbington made an appearance . . . the fat cat, who to this day, remains my favorite Glee character of all time.  I mean, just look at how talented this cat is!  And how many cats do YOU know who can actually say they were in a sex tape . . .

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Speaking of sex tapes, Brittany might not always show her love for Santana in the best ways, but you have to know that her and Santana’s road to slutty stardom was paved with excellent intentions.  And when you think about it, Brittany’s right.  Having a sex tape, and going on weird reality shows is the most surefire way to become famous these days.  Just ask the Kardashians .  . .

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I also love that Brittany came up with the idea to apply Santana for a cheerleading college scholarship, though I suspect it was actually Sue who penned the application, and possibly wrote the essay too.  After all, it would take a VERY liberal, liberal arts college to accept a higher education application that was written in crayon, and featured a hand-drawn picture of Lord Tubbington on the bottom . . .

It would be easy to write Brittany off as “just another stereotypical dumb blonde.”  And yet, the character can be surprisingly astute sometimes, especially when it comes to Santana.  Perhaps, a more accurate way to describe Brittany would be “childlike.”  Speaking of children . . .

New Girl – “Kids”

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Ahhh, if it isn’t the “my period is late, and now I have to reevaluate my life priorities” Baby Scare Storyline.  We’ve all seen it about a million times before.  And yet, there really is no fake baby like a Fake Schmidt Baby, who requires his very own Douche Baby Jar.

But Cece isn’t the only cast member contemplating her ablity to be a mom.  Jess too is forced to take on the role of the Dreaded Adult, when she is asked to babysit Russell’s 11-year old Sarah.  But Sarah isn’t just your ordinary, garden variety 11-year old. In fact, she just so happens to share the collective brain of every Nick fangirl who watches this show.

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That’s right New Girlian’s!  Sarah thinks Nick is SUPER HOT . . . even though his eyes look “like poop.”

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Truth be told, she would very much like to “rub [her] face all over his face” (but not all over his eyes . . . you know, because of the whole “poop” thing).  Sarah’s episode-long love for Nick is great for the show, for a few reasons.  For starters, she gets Jess to admit that Nick is hot, “in a rumpled, small town PI-kind of way.”

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Sarah also seems to singlehandedly break Nick of his already three-or-four episode long habit of dating college girls, by inadvertently showing him JUST how much younger than him they actually are.  (Hint: His current date used to ride the school bus with Sarah.)

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But, best of all, Sarah’s little temper tantrum, get’s Nick and Jess to sit on the floor together,  outside their bedroom door, stare dreamily into one another’s eyes,  and each confess to Sarah why they are both so terrible for OTHER people to date, while, at the same time, proving just how perfect they are for ONE ANOTHER to date.

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So, hooray for Sarah.  But I still can’t figure out how she was spawned from these two .  . .

I mean, red-headedness is supposed to be a recessive trait, right?

Oh, and, just in case you were curious, Cece and Schmidt aren’t pregnant.  So, there little “caramel miracle-to be” may have to wait another season.

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Better luck next time, Future Schmidt Baby!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Game of Thrones, Glee, Gossip Girl, Mad Men, New Girl