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Where’s Waldorf? – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Back-up Dan”

“Yes, my New York Post functions as a passport, a credit card, and lining for my cat’s litter box.  I’m a princess, now.  I can do whatever the f*&k I want!” 

Greetings, Upper East Siders!  It’s time for another exciting installment of: The Princess . . . The Robot  .  . . The Donut . . . and The Dark Night . . .

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(Guess which half I care about?)

I’m Leaving on a Jet Blue Plane . . .

When we last left our new Princess of Monaco, she had just temporarily escaped the nefarious, and perpetually unintelligible, Robot Prince, and was hiding away in a clown car . . . driven by a Donut.

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“Oh crap, you mean this isn’t a cab?”

Together with the Donut, the Princess traveled to a Major New York Airport, where she was shocked to find that PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY STARING AT HER!  Surely, this had nothing to do with the fact that she was wearing a BIG POOFY WEDDING DRESS AND TIARA.

“OMG . . . that’s Blair Waldorf . . . and boy, that car accident really did a number on Chuck Bass’ face and hair, Poor Guy!”

“Ummm . . . I think that’s actually Dan Humphrey she’s with.”

“Really?  WHY???

“In a few seconds, it’s going to be Bieber Fever,” gripes the Princess, raising her arms in aggravation at the unwashed leering masses.  (She might also have been referring to Dan Humpty Dumpty’s hair . . .)

BLAIR: “Can I brush it, pretty please!”

DONUT: “I tried a few times.  The hairbrushes never made it out alive.  I have reason to believe some of them are hiding in my brain.” 

Aghast at the rudeness of nosy travelers, the Princess stomps around a bit, and barks orders to the donut.  “Donut!”  She says.  “Get me a plane ticket to the Dominican Republic, so that I can annul my marriage to Louis-bot, because the Domican Republic does not recognize human-cyborg unions.”

“Go forth, my minion.  And, if you are successful, I will permit you to eat lunch with the cool kids on the steps of the Met .  . . for three minutes and thirty seconds.” 

Had the Donut been a person, as opposed to a pastry, he might have gently reminded the Princess that, in the interest of privacy, it would make much more sense to order plane tickets online from his iPhone, while tucked safely behind the tinted windows of the clown car.  But instead, Donut just sighs dramatically (as Donut tends to do), and shakes his frizzy head back and forth (as Donut also tends to do).

“She frustrates me . . . and yet, I still have this strange urge to bone her.  Dammit weiner!  This is all your fault.” 

Speaking of the Princess, it finally occurs to her that she might need an item of clothing that ‘s NOT a wedding dress, in order to pass through security unnoticed.  (Plus, given how heavy her gown looks, it’s highly likely she would have had to pay for two plane tickets, should she decide to wear it in-flight.)  First, the Princess tries to borrow some clothing from a “commoner.”

“How many times do I have to tell you, Complete Stranger, tights are NOT pants.”

 Initially, said commoner is thrilled at the thought of being approached by a REAL Princess.  But then she takes one look at the Donut, and determines that a REAL Princess would never associate herself with such a fatty food item.  “You’re terrible,” says the commoner, to the Donut.

And in that moment . . . another Chair fan was born . . . 

Cue the sighing of the Donut . . . and the head shaking . . .

Now, the Princess is forced to get her royal sweatshirt and sweatpants at the not-so-royal gift shop.  I suspect this experience was a rather unusual one for the Princess, who’s idea of a “gift shop” is the service counter at Harry Winston wear a certain wedding ring from a Dark Knight is still waiting patiently for her return.

Meanwhile, the Donut rolls over to a kindly attendant at Jet Blue (product placement alert!) and purchases the Princess a ticket in . . . GASP . . . COACH!

“Oh the humanity!”  

Shortly thereafter, the Princess returns, decked out in her new incognito tourist garb.  However, since said garb does not include one of those face masks gang members use to rob banks, she is only slightly less recognizable than she was before.

Only Blair Waldorf could make this look good . . .

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Ah!  But here’s the problem.  In her haste to leave the Evil Robot Prince, our Princess seems to have forgotten her passport!

No worries!  Blair Waldorf is a Princess!  And everyone knows that Princesses are free to use newspaper headlines as passports!  Oh wait . . . they aren’t?  Well, it sure was a nice try!  The Princess contacts her lady-in-waiting Dorota promptly in order to rectify this pesky no passport, no luggage problem.  Meanwhile, Little Donut calls Big Donut to tell him about all the fun adventures he’s having with the Princess.  “Shhh!  Don’t tell anyone,” says the Donut, knowing full well that his father, though kindly, has a bigger mouth than Gossip Girl, herself . . .

“Could you say that again, a bit slower?  I’m taking notes so that I could use this in my Facebook Status Update.” 

The Princess, of course, is furious about this.  She remarks conversationally that her mother never got botox, and therefore, has an emoticon for a face.  How interesting, I would think that GETTING botox would make one look more like an emoticon, not less.  Emoticon faces are always so enviably wrinkle-free!

Meanwhile, back at the wedding that was . . . then wasn’t . . . then was again . . .

The Case of the Missing Princess

Amazing, isn’t it?  How Blair managed to escape her own super dramatic, off and on, wedding without anyone noticing, least of all her supposed best friend, S?  Serena’s been asking EVERYONE about the whereabouts of the new princess, as Madonna’s Like a Virgin, ironically strums in the background.  (I suspect Serena hasn’t been a virgin since age 10.)

When Serena meets up with Blair’s mother, the latter asks her if Blair seems happy with Louis-bot?  You know, because the public release of a tape, in which her daughter admitted she was madly in love with someone else, and only marrying the robot for “religious reasons,” hasn’t truly clued her in to her child’s true state of mind . . .

Serena responds to this inquiry, as per usual, by looking confused, and mildly put off . .  .

“I am confused, and mildly put off . . .” 

Next up is Chuck, who also has no clue where Princess Blair has gone off too. Serena suggests that perhaps, the Princess went to the roof, Hangover style, to eat a tab of E, and go hang out with Mike Tyson and his pet tiger.

Is it a far-fetched idea?  Absolutely.  But, then again, if you were forced to spend an eternity with Louis-bot, wouldn’t you too contemplate taking a long leap off of something VERY, VERY HIGH?

Chuck then receives a call from his hotel, informing him that Blair is in his apartment.  Let the dirty Chair-centric thoughts ensue . . .

Serena and Chuck find the third member of the NJBC outside hitting on the Help, a.k.a. Lola, a.k.a.  the REAL Charlie Rhodes, a.k.a. apparently, the only  caterer girl in the Upper East Side.  Nate helps Caterer Girl carry heavy crates, because he thinks this will show her that he is “strong . . . . like . . . bull” and therefore, an animal beneath the sheets . . .

“I can also lift these crates with my Other Arm, if you catch my drift . . .” 

Lola seems to buy the act, quite easily.  And when Nate’s friends come, and ask for help driving the getaway car to free their friend the Runaway Bride, she jumps on the opportunity to join the hilarity  . . . you know, because it sure beats mopping red wine and vomit off of table 2 . . .

Hey, if Louis-bot chops Blair up into teeny tiny pieces with his claw hand, is there any chance I could take her spot as fourth member of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club?”

Over at Chuck’s place, the NJBC and Lola are shocked to find that the new inhabitant of Chuck’s home is not Blair, at all, but rather not-Gossip Girl Georgina!

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Nate, ever the polite gentleman takes it upon himself to make introductions.  “She is pretty much the worst person you will ever meet.  Therefore, try to avoid eye contact at all times.”  (Solid advice).

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“What have you done with Blair?”  Chuck asks defensively, possibly suspecting Georgina of vicious acts of cannibalism, lesbianism, or some mixture of the two . . .

“I will cut you, Georgina.  (I have knives hidden in my bowtie.)” 

“Why do you always assume my motives are nefarious?”  Georgina asks nefariously.

She claims to know where Blair has disappeared, and offers her services in the interest of plot development good faith.

Shortly thereafter, Serena calls the Donut, who pretends he’s still partying away at the wedding he left hours ago.  Did I mention that the Donut really likes to boogie . . . an impressive feet, when your arms are made with a mixture of dough, powdered sugar, and jelly.  He also just so happens to be feigning amnesia of that little instance in which Serena professed her love to him, and he responded by looking at her as if she announced, “I slaughter puppies . . . really cute ones . . . just smash in their heads with blunt objects . . .  one by one.”

“Gotta go potty,” Donut concludes, ending the call in a way that would make a recently potty-trained three-year old proud.

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Soul-crushing rejection aside, Serena still fully and completely believes her unrequited lover that Blair left her wedding with Louis-bot, and hasn’t been seen or heard from since.  Silly Serena!  Haven’t you been watching this show for the past five years? Don’t you know that nothing anyone says on the phone on this show is EVER truthful?

Count on Georgina to set Serena straight on the true motivations of her NOT-boy toy . . .  But before she can impart anymore wisdom, Georgina receives intel on Dorota’s whereabouts and exits stage left . . .

As if on cue, Serena finds Blair’s phone, on which are multiple texts from Louis-bot, inquiring as to her whereabouts.  Hmmm . . . I wonder if Louis-bot texts in unintelligible gibberish too?

In which we hear the word “dowry” more times in an hour than we will probably ever hear it in our entire lives . . .

Back at the wedding, Louis-bot is still unsuccessfully pretending he has a soul . . . and a personality.  Mama-bot then calls him on his cell phone, which, of course, he has in his pocket, probably because he uses it to keep his robot self fully-charged.

“Domo arregato, Mr. Louis-boto.” 

There were a few things about this conversation that I found hilarious (1) Louis-bot needs his mother to inform him that his bride left the reception hours ago; (2) Mama-bot is only slightly more intelligible than her son, so when they speak, it sounds like a chorus of sheep at a petting zoo . . . (3) Mama-bot rips Louis-bot a new one, for revealing his true Evil Cyborg self prior to the wedding, as opposed to after Blair was already pregnant with a brand new copy of his devil spawn . . .

“Even I can’t understand what my son is saying, half the time.”

“I feauh zat ze may haf leyf” says Louis-bot, in response (Translation: I fear that she may  have left.)

Since Louis-bot is patently incapable of donig anything for himself, including, bot not limited to: having sex with a woman, wiping his own behind, blowing his nose to evacuate boogies, and oiling his various meal parts, Mama-Bot decides to take the reigns and investigate, Blair’s disappearance for herself.

“Oh, HELL TO THE NO!” 

She visits with Mama Waldorf, who doesn’t find it at all odd that the woman who her daughter just publicly humiliated, by admitting to everyone that she doesn’t really love his son.  Eventually, however, she completely abandons the facade, and resorts to petty threats.  According to Mama-Bot, Blair has to stay true to her marriage to Louis-bot for at least a year, or risk activating the “dowry” portion of the agreement, which would pretty much bleed the Waldorf family completely dry of cash . . .

Then, Blair might have to resort to wearing flannel pajamas from Walmart, like this . . . 

Ummmm . . . wait a second here . . . correct me, if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t Blair’s getting an annulment render the entire prenuptial agreement null and void, since there would no longer be any “nuptials” to speak of?  Just saying . . .

Anywhoo . . . Mama Waldorf is understandably freaked out by Mama-Bot’s threats, as ignorant of the law as they might be . . .

Meanwhile, Georgina attacks Dorota,  and locks her Blair’s walk-in shoe closet, which, as far as prisons go, doesn’t seem like a bad place to be imprisoned . . .  I suspect she did this to keep Dorota from warning Blair that Georgina was on her tail.

“Oh no, please don’t put me in a room with one million dollars worth of shoes!” 

And yet, it seems like a rather excessive thing to do, simply to get a scoop on a story, don’t you think?

Back at the airport, Princess Blair awakens to the puddle of drool she left on Donut’s shoulder, and a news briefing in which Louis-bot pleads with the masses to help him find Blair, because she, “Haz nut bien hershelf ladelley” (Translation: Has not been herself, lately)

Well, Louis-bot, this is something on which we agree . . .

At least on television, he comes with subtitles . . . 

Donut Dan suggests that Blair come with him to a hotel so that they can have the sex he’s dreamed of having with her, every night for the past year  won’t be discovered.  Off they go!

Nate Archibald doesn’t DATE liars .  . . this week.

Back over in the storyline that none of us care about all that much, Nate . . . who seems much more interested in getting laid, than in finding his bestie Blair . . . is shocked when Lola asks him for . . . wait for it A BEER!  Beer?  Nate thinks to himself.  Poor people are so interesting, with their peculiar drinking habits.

“You drink it out of a CAN?!  Aren’t you afraid of cutting your lip on the opening?”

While Nate tries to figure out what exactly a BEER is, and whether he can make one from the $700 bottle of scotch, Chuck has hidden on the top shelf, Lola takes a call.  “OH HI MOM, CAROL RHODES!”  Lola says loudly enough for the entire Upper East Side to hear her. “Oh, I’m here in Michigan studying for an exam, and definitely not flirting with an Archibald who used to bone your niece!  Gotta run!  Toodles!”

Overhearing this causes Nate to make this face . . .

He asks Lola who was on the phone.  And she promptly responds that it was her boss, despite having screamed “MOM,” into the phone multiple times throughout the conversation.

“Gotta go potty,” Nate says, no longer nearly as interested in getting into Lola’s underoos as he was a few moments ago . . . either that or he just couldn’t figure out that whole beer thing . . .

“Are you effing kidding me, guy who slept with your ex girlfriend’s boyfriend’s mother, and the woman who might possibly be your best friend’s mother?” 

And that would be the end of this boring happy couple.  But FATE steps in, in the form of Lola doing a random “flower delivery” job at Lily VDW’s house.  Of course, Lola starts rambling on about “not dating boys named Nate” . . . you know, because that’s what you do on flower delivery jobs, tell your client about your love life, in great detail.  Lily, of course,  picks up on the fact that Lola is referring to Nate.  So, she decides to call him, and see if she can’t play a little matchmaker.  Nevermind the fact that Lily knows next-to-nothing about her would-be-niece, save for her name.

You might want to work on your own kid’s love life first . . .  just sayin. 

A little thing like this would never stop Lily from helping he daughter’s ex boyfriend get laid.  What a great mother she is!

In the end, Nate explains to Lola his whole pet peeve about “lying people.”  And, really, you can’t blame the guy.  I mean his cousin DID try to kill him.  That’s going to give anyone trust issues!

“If it’s any consolation, I only did it, because I’m a genuinely terrible person!” 

But alas, all that hard work, and Nate still has to go home with a pair of these  . . .

“I’m interested in hearing about your world.  I’m just not sure I want to be in it.”

Oooh!  Rejected!  But hey, you could always go back and find Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena!  I hear she’s an easy lay!

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What have I done to deserve Donut?

Now at the hotel, Dan and Blair are bickering, because Dan thinks Blair treats him like crap, by running to HIM, only when she needs a place to hide, and Chuck when she wants AMAZING SEX and UNPARALLELLED LOVE.  In response, Blair responds that the Donut should really be nicer to her, considering she’s been having pretty much the Worst Year Ever.  “I hope someone yells at you on your special day,” Blair retorts.

This, of course, prompts Dan to bring up the whole “Dair fanfiction” thing.  You know, the book Dan wrote about a hotter, smarter, cooler, version of himself hooking up with Blair?  The book she NEVER actually read?  Fortunately, this irksome conversation is interrupted by a knock on the door .  . . but not a Dorota knock, because she’s “a stickler for shave and a hair cut.”

It’s THESE GUYS!

Thanks to Dorota, Serena and Chuck located the missing Blair, and are ready to help her escape the Evil Louis-bot.  “You ran away with Humphrey, and he took you here?” Chuck says,  crinkling his nose in disgust at the shabby hotel accommodations.  (Ahhh . . . I love Chuck!)

“I know, right?”  Blair replies.

Surprise!  Here comes Georgina with her trusty camera. This girl is EVERYWHERE, isn’t she?  After snapping, a GG-sized picture of the reunited foursome, Nu-Gossip Girl casually lets it slip that it was Serena who leaked the video of Blair’s conversation with Chuck to Gossip Girl.  Serena quickly cops to the charge, much to Blair’s horror.

Ever the Chair shipper, Serena claims to have done this to save their love.  (HOORAY!)  She also claims to be really hurt that Blair ran away with Dan, the man Serena luuuuuuves . . . at least for today . . .when she SHOULD have been running away with Serena.  You have to admit, girlfriend has a point.  That was pretty darn stone cold Blair and Donut!

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Speaking of people Blair should have turned to in her time of need, aside from Donut, Chuck immediately offers to hire Blair a plane to the Dominican Republic.  Now, THAT’S more like it.  But . . . cue Darth Vader music . . . because Mama Bot is now in the building, making this hotel officially the WORST HIDING PLACE EVER . . . possibly even worse than hiding in a major airport with a wedding dress!

“They will never find me here.” 

“Gozip Gurl, knows more about you zen ur own muzzer,” says Mama-Bot (Translation: Gossip Girl knows more about you than your own mother.)

Cue that dowry talk again zzzzzzzzzzz!

“When and if we get together, it has to be as equals.”

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It’s time for our weekly Chair scene.  No matter how similarly these scene might be written to one another, the delivery, familiarity, and delivery is always flawless.  Chuck promises to protect Blair .  . . to pay the dowry . . . to do whatever it takes to protect her from Louis-bot, and keep her from being unhappy with a man who doesn’t love and respect her.  He reminds her that her pact with the Lord was broken the day she ran out on the wedding.  And yet, he’s still here, alive . . . well . . . and incredibly HOT!

But just as Blair said, during the couple’s epic and gut-punching breakup, during Witches of Bushwick, Blair cannot enter into a relationship with Chuck, beholden to him.  She wants them to be together as equals, so that there is never any distrust or resentment between them.  She promises Chuck that Louis-bot will never never touch her . . . she means this, obviously, in more ways than one.

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“Louis won’t be the end of me,” she says, once again, leaving Chuck alone and heartbroken.

But Blair has more apologizing to do.  So, she goes down to the bar and apologizes to Dan, for taking advantage of him, and never reading his fanfiction.  She even apologizes for making fun of his ridiculous hair, and tells him she knows he wrote Louis-bot’s wedding vows.  It’s all happiness, and Golden Girls, and “thank you for being a friend.”  They hug.  Donut once again promises he will be there for the next time she needs something jelly filled and doughy to lean on  . . .   How generous and donuty of him!

AMIGO SUPREMO! 

She “knows what she has to do’ . . . no matter how senseless, silly, and ridiculous it might be.

Back at the Waldorf house, Mama Waldorf is making me proud again, by sticking up to the BOTS!  She tells them she will sell her business, spend any amount of money, and do whatever it takes to not have the robots own the humans.  (I’ve seen a few horror movies with this as the exact premise.)  Then, Blair comes by, and says she’ll marry Louis-bot, so as not to subject her mother to financial ruin.

It’s martyric .  . . and a little dumb, because we all know there are so many ways out of this . . . the most obvious one being hiring a LAWYER.  Hey, isn’t one of Blair’s many dads one of those?

But my current theory is that someone has tape of what Louis-bot said to Blair about their marriage being in name only, on the night of the wedding.  And THAT, my friends, will be Louis-bot’s downfall.  Either that, or he’ll get run over by a pack of wild elephants.  Please tell me they have those in Monaco.  Now, that’s something I’d really like to see.  Throw his Mommy in their too, while we are at it .  . .

Oh, did I mention that Georgina isn’t really Gossip Girl, but rather, just a substitute, since the REAL GG stopped posting, around the time of Chuck’s and Blair’s accident?

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I think most of us probably figured that out already.  But it’s actually nice to have the mystery of GG remain a mystery, at least for  a little while longer.   And hey, it still could end up being someone totally random, like Beer-drinking Lola!

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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STOP . . . THAT . . . WEDDING – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s 100th Episode, “G.G.”

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Greetings, Upper East Siders!  And welcome to the game show, Stop That Wedding.  During this Game Show, a number of contestants will try to stop Blair Waldorf’s wedding to the evil, and often incomprehensible, troll cyborg, Louis-bot.

Meanwhile, viewers at home will try to guess which contestant will ultimately be successful in stopping this wedding.  Since this IS the 100th episode of Gossip Girl, we have a special prize today for the viewer at home, who correctly guesses which contestant stops the wedding.  Tell them what they will win, Bob!

It’s . . . LIMO SEX with Chuck Bass!

Haha! Just kidding!  Everyone knows that if Blair Waldorf’s wedding is successfully stopped, the only person who will be having limo sex with Chuck Bass, for the rest of eternity, will be . . . of course .  . . Blair Waldorf.  But hey, if you win, I’ll be sure to give you a nice big hug.  OK?

So, grab your buzzers, boutineers and bridal bouquets, because it’s time to play STOP . . . THAT . . . Wedding!

Except that it actually did . . . 😦 

Getting Wiggy with It!

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It looks like our first contestant of the evening is none other than Blair’s best friend and maid of honor, Serena van der Woodsen.  When the episode begins, she is dreaming that she’s Marilyn Monroe, with a REALLY BAD WIG!  In the dream, she’s singing “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend,” in an oddly-accented voice, while Chuck Bass, Donut Dan, Nate, Louis-bot, and a bunch of never-to-be-seen-again male extras dance around her, attempting to win her favor.  Then, Blair arrives as Audrey Hepburn and takes Chuck Dan away.

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(Interestingly enough, in most of Blair’s dream sequences, she is also Audrey Hepburn.  But in those dreams, it usually tends to be Serena taking sh*t from her.  Go figure!)

Well, clearly this dream has turned into a nightmare . . . both for our first contestant, Serena, who, for some inexplicable reason, has decided she’s madly in love with the Donut again .  . . and for viewers at home, who know that the only person Blair should be “taking away” is Chuck.  Under the circumstances, can we  really blame Serena for waking up in a cold sweat?

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Now, dream sequences are super cheesy and kind of annoying adorable.  And this one ended with Blair running off with someone other than her robot betrothed.  So, that’s good, right?  However, dreams, unfortunately, cannot stop weddings.  And so, our first (unconscious) attempt of the hour at stopping Blair’s wedding is met with a LOSER BUZZER . . .

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Don’t despair, Serena.   You will get another chance to play, later on in the episode!

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Awakening Serena, is none other than Blair’s trusty housekeeper / erstwhile sidekick / notorious Chair shipper, Dorota.  Could she be our second contestant, folks?

Nope!  Unfortunately for Dorota fans, the writers seem to have lobotomized Dorota, in honor of Blair’s wedding day.  Because our normally feisty maid is as excited about Blair’s impending nuptials as  . . . well . . . actually no one . . . because no one else really seems to want it to happen, including Blair, herself.  Now, even though Dorota technically isn’t playing the game, I’d say this definitely deserves a LOSER BUZZER!

Meanwhile, father and son, Humpty Humphrey Squared, are enjoying a scrumptious breakfast of Cynicism and Gloom (a Humphrey Specialty).  Rufus wants to know if the Donut is planning to pull a Graduate, i.e. stop the wedding and runaway with the bride.  Donut responds that everyone knows that Blair loves Chuck.  Why on Earth would she run away with me?  such shenanigans seem more up Chuck Bass’ alley, than his own.  From your lips to the Lord’s ears, Donut . . .

Forgive me, Father, for I have Montezuma’s Revenge . . .

Over at the Empire Hotel, Chuck and Bad!Priest are also enjoying a healthy breakfast, while they jointly plot the demise of Blair’s wedding.  This would make them Contestants 2 and 3, respectively, in our exciting game.  Bad!Priests gives Chuck some choir boy garb, which he claims will help him get into the wedding unnoticed.  Riiiiiight . . . because, once Chuck is wearing a black robe, no one is possibly going to be able to recognize HIS FACE.

Where exactly did this guy get his Seminary School degree?  Sesame Street?

Bad!Priest also apparently plans to put a sleeping pill in another priest’s food, so that he, himself, can replace him, in the performance of Blair and Louis-bot’s wedding ceremony.  Then, when Bad!Priest asks if anyone contests the marriage, Chuck will rise and tell the world that he heard Blair CONFESS that she is actually in love with him.

OK, I’m confused, why exactly does this plan require drugging the other priest?  Wouldn’t the other priest also ask if anyone contests the marriage, especially since it’s  . . . oh, I don’t know PART OF A TRADITIONAL WEDDING CEREMONY ?

This whole drugging the other priest thing just seems unnecessarily mean.  So, now, of course, I’m rooting for Contest 3, Bad!Priest to lose this game . . . well, as long as someone else stops the wedding, of course.  (If no one else can do it, I’m Team Bad!Priest, all the way . . .)

But worry not, Upper East Siders, it’s Chuck Bass to the rescue!  You see, all this time, he’s been serving Bad!Priest water from Mexico.  And you know what happens to people who drink water from Mexico, who don’t actually live there, right? MONTEZUMA’S REVENGE!  Been there, done that, sent the postcard . . . And I wouldn’t wish it any Priest, no matter how Bad!

Yep, Bad!Priest now has the squirts, and is apparently out of the game.  Thanks for playing, Bad!Priest.  You won’t be going home, empty handed, however.  As a consolation prize, we’d like to offer you a box of Immodium and a gas mask . . .  And, hey, for what it’s worth, the Church would probably frown on your having limo sex with Chuck Bass, anyway . . .

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Elsewhere, Georgina Sparks is walking through the park dressed like the Dowager Countess from Downton Abbey.

She blames Blair Waldorf for basically ruining her life.  So, of course, she desperately wants to stop the wedding, not realizing that this would actually be a REALLY good thing for Blair.  Georgina meets up with Bad!Priest on the way to the port-a-potty, and begins plotting with the Flatulent Father.  In doing so, she picks up the much-coveted title of Contestant Number 4 . . .

“Jesus owes me one,” Georgina explains, as she finishes explaining her plans to bone Louis-bot, just moments before the wedding is set to take place.

WOAH!  Talk about taking one for the Team . . .

(By the way, I guess we are supposed to assume that Louis-bot has “working anatomy,” because he, like, apparently, knocked Blair up, and stuff.  But the jury’s still out for me.  I also can’t help but wonder what an “O” face must look like, on a guy who’s completely incapable of showing any form of human emotion, whatsoever . . .)

“Those sparks coming from between my legs mean I must be aroused.”

Speaking of the android groom . . .

Lucky Louis-bot

“Iyyy em the lookiesth mienn een the wuryild,” says Louis-bot (Translation: I am the luckiest man in the world.)

Note that he says this line, with about as much excitement as most of us would say, “I have to go pick up my dry cleaning.”

Serena smiles graciously, while, on the inside she would very much like to cut Louis-bot’s bot-head off with a meat cleaver.  (That would be ONE way to stop the wedding!)  Stepford Dorota reminds Serena that, one day, she too will find someone who loves her, as much as Chuck Louis-bot loves Blair.  Well, that’s aspirational!

Personally, I think Serena could find household appliances, who love her more than Louis-bot loves Blair.  But I digress.  Elsewhere Louis-bot and his mother are slow dancing.  Will SHE be a contestant in our game?  It certainly wouldn’t be the first time she tried to stop her son’s nuptials . . .

Apparently, not.  You see, Mama Bot is now super excited about this union.  And why not?  That good ole car accident that murdered Blair’s baby, and nearly killed Chuck sure was great for publicity!  She figures that the fact that Louis-bot is still willing to marry this “damaged goods” woman will make him a martyr, in the eyes of the public.

Wow, step aside Bad!Priest.  Evil has a new name, and it rhymes with Mother Chucker . . .

“I kin beleef yuuu errr sayink theez, moderr” scolds Louis-Bot.  (Translation: I can’t believe you are saying this, Mother.)

And if I understood one word he was saying, I suspect I might actually agree with him . . .

Oh, did I mention that Donut Dan is going to step in as Louis-bot’s best man and Serena’s escort, because Louis-bot has no human friends ‘s real best man got “called away at the last minute?”

Congratulations, Serena!  You might not win this game, but your chances of getting laid on Blair’s wedding night, just increased, tenfold . . .

But wait . . . Blair has just arrived at the Waldorf manse, wearing what looks like a cupcake on her head.

(Seriously, the hats people were wearing throughout this episode were positively ridiculous.  Just because Fergie’s kids wore toilet bowls and balloon animals on their heads for the last royal wedding, doesn’t mean EVERYONE has to do it.  Just sayin . . .)

Blair drags Serena into her room, in hopes that Serena will help her chase away some of the butterflies and nausea that come along with making the WORST DECISION OF YOUR LIFE.  Serena complies with the most prophetically awful words anyone on a TV show could say: “What could possibly go wrong?”

Sneaky Serena . . . you might win this contest, yet . . .

In which everyone who isn’t Blair wonders why they are still single . . .

It should come as no surprise to you long-time Gossip Girl fans that Nate Archibald’s storyline for this week, is entirely self-serving, and completely disconnected from the  actual plot of this episode.  Slutty boy that he is, Nate tries to hit on the catering girl, who, unbeknownst to him, just so happens to be the REAL Charlie Rhodes.

“My plan is to bang all the relatives of every cast member on this show . . . and their pets, of course . . . Monkey.”

Of course, he loses major points by not remembering her name.  But “Lola” really shouldn’t take that too personally.  Here are some other things that Nate often forgets:  (1) his own name; (2) his address; (3) how to add and subtract; (4) to put on underwear, before leaving the house . . .

Anywhoo . . . Lola gets points for being spunky, and calling Nate out on his crap.  It’s just too bad she has to be wearing an unflattering tuxedo, while she’s doing it . . .

Moments later, Donut Dan emerges from the rehearsal breakfast.  So, Nate starts griping to him, about how he once thought he’d be married to Blair.  But now he’s been single for an entire episode.  So, clearly his life must be over.

NATE: “I heard this rumor, that if you go over a week, without having sex your weiner shrivels up and falls off.”

DAN: *whistles uncomfortably* 

“Maybe that’s my problem,” Nate muses. “I pay too much attention to the wrong guest star   woman old enough to be my mother   supervillain girl.”

Donut Dan surmises that Nate has many worse problems than that.  But Donut Dan isn’t exactly Casanova, himself.  So, he really shouldn’t be talking right now.  Nate notes how weird things have become on the Upper East Side, when the most honest man they know is Chuck Bass.  (Well, actually, it’s not so weird . . . especially, when you consider the fact that Nate and Donut don’t seem to know any other men, aside from eachother and Chuck Bass . . .)

“Sometimes, I wear this mask, so Nate will think I’m someone else . . .” 

Speaking of Chuck, Nate and Dan call him to make sure he’s not going to stop the wedding.  STOP THE WEDDING! STOP THE WEDDING!  STOP THE WEDDING!  Chuck calmly tells Nate that he has no intention of stopping Blair’s wedding, and would much prefer spending the day walking his dog.  (Unfortunately, this is not a euphemism for sex or self-pleasuring.  What a fun scene THAT would be!)

Of course, if you believe that, I have a bridge I can sell you in Brooklyn, right outside Humpty Humphrey’s apartment . . .

In which, Blair’s mother redeems herself for five seasons of absentee parenting, in one single AWESOME gesture . . .

As Blair settles into her wedding gown (but never brushes her hair, which has oddly started to take on a sort of Insane Mountain Woman look), she tries to play matchmaker with her Maid of Honor, instructing Serena to buck up and tell Dopey Donut how she really feels about him.  (Ahh . . . honesty.  Blair might want to start taking her own advice, for a change.)

A time of self-reflection? 

But when Blair’s mother arrives to bid her daughter the best of luck, Blair suddenly suffers a panic attack, and begs to be removed from her wedding dress.  Her daughter’s seemingly allergic reaction to the thought of marrying the Cyborg Prince prompts a realization in Elinor Waldorf.

Usually when a bride yells, ‘Get it off.  Get it off,’ on her wedding night, it’s for another reason, entirely . . .” 

Apparently, she had the same reaction to her doomed-to-fail marriage to Blair’s gay dad, but not to her nuptials with the adorably dorky, Cyrus Rhodes.

“I have a last minute errand to run,” say Elinor, before promptly exiting, stage left.

The next time we see Mama Waldorf, she is standing in Chuck Bass’ open doorway . . .  Before Chuck can protest, Mama awesomely gulps down his glass of mid-afternoon scotch in a single gulp.  “I don’t want my daughter to wait to be happy.  When I was in the church, I kept feeling like there was something I had forgotten.  Than, I realized what it was  . . . you . . .”

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That’s right, Upper East Siders.  It seems Dark Horse Contestant, Elinor Waldorf has just moved herself to the front of the fray.  Will SHE be the one to stop her daughter’s wedding?  Only time will tell . . .

A Head for Scheming, and a Body for Screwing

At the Church, Lily is wearing a toilet bowl cleaner on her head.

Meanwhile, Georgina slips out of her choir boy robes, and into a slutty dress.  She requests a meeting with Louis-bot, in private, so that she can show that dumb hunk of metal what it’s like to screw a real trainwreck.

“Come and get me, Bot Boy!” 

So, while Louis-bot give in to temptation?  Are robots even capable of experiencing arousal?  Unfortunately, we will never get to find out, because Lily and Rufus locate Georgina, and kick her out of the church, before Louis-bot even gets a chance to see her in her whorish dress.  Well, I know at least two people who are going to LOSE this game . . .

But Georgina isn’t about to go down without a fight.  She still has one more ace up her sleeve.  And she’s not afraid to use it . . .

“Don’t marry him.”

“Don’t be mad at me,” Elinor Waldorf says plaintively, as she leaves the always-dapper-looking Chuck Bass in Blair’s bridal suite, as she takes her exit.

(And in that moment, Chair fans around the world let out a collective cheer, and then began to hold their breath, in synchronization.)

All Chuck and Blair scenes are beautiful in my eyes, but this one was particularly so.  We are clearly looking at the New Chuck Bass, here.  He is calm, collected, and confident that what he is doing is the right thing.  But he is also gentle, and earnest.  Chuck is speaking to Blair from a place of pure love, without judgment or manipulation.

He speaks to her about wanting her to be happy.  He wants to run away with her, and spend the rest of his life with her, just as they had planned to do in “Riding in Town Cars with Boys.”  “It should be us up there, and you know it,” he says determinedly.

And there is Blair, confirming Chuck’s suspicions, and expressing her love in return.  “Of course, I love you, Chuck.  I have always loved you.  I love you more and more every day if it is even possible to love someone that much.”

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Sounds great right?  So, what’s the problem?  The problem is Blair still wants to go through with this sham of a wedding, and is still hiding behind that ridiculous “Pact with the Man Upstairs” to do it.  “Not living with you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done . . . I can’t be with you.  You should find someone who loves you too.”

Given the insanity of what Blair is saying, surely no one would fault Chuck for throwing up his hands in frustration, tossing over a few chairs, and storming out of the room.  But he doesn’t.   Instead, Chuck just smiles and says, “I have.  She’s standing right in front of me.”

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And with that statement, Chuck became the man to beat in this competition.  But then Serena entered the room, and brought the conversation to an abrupt end.  Bad timing, or clever strategy, inspired by her desire to win “Stop the Wedding,” for herself?

You can examine the entire gut-wrenchingly glorious exchange here . . .

Georgina and Serena each up their game .  . .

After Serena kidnaps Blair for some much-needed pre-weddding girl talk, Georgina enters stage right demonstrating the much-over used Slow Clap.  That’s right, boys and girls, Contestant Number 4 got the entire Chair exchange ON VIDEO (possibly the same video you just watched).  But Georgina surprises everyone with a hail mary.  Instead of keeping the video for itself, she shows it to Chuck.  It’s a win-win move.  Now, no matter who stops the wedding, she wins the prize.  (Because Chuck can’t very well have sex with himself, can he?  Well . . . actually he can .  . . see self pleasuring discussion above . . .But that’s neither here, nor there.)

Elsewhere, Serena throws her hat back in the ring with her classic, “Don’t enter into a false life, because you are afraid to enter your real one,” speech.

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Lest we forget how eloquent Serena has become, since two episodes ago, when she started blogging.  (More on that, in a bit . . .)

But Blair is determined to be miserable, dammit!  She’s going to have her robot marriage, if it kills her.  You know, because the car crash, didn’t . . .

Poor taste? 

But Serena’s not done, she also takes time to tell Chuck about the infamous (read MORONIC) PACT WITH THE LAWD that Blair is using as her excuse for entering into a lifetime of boredom, misery, and “Domo Arigato, Mr. Louis-bot,” sex . . .

Ahh, but has Serena shot herself in the foot?  Armed with Georgina’s video, Serena’s intel, and Bad!Priest’s confessional secrets, Chuck officially has EVERYTHING he needs to leave his competitors in the dark and . . . wait for it . . . STOP THAT WEDDING.

“Please, save the applause until after the show.” 

But will he?

iPhone now or forever hold your peace . . .

Most of us were hoping it wouldn’t get this far.  And yet, there’s Blair walking down with her two dads, the hot gay one (remember him?) and the adorable little muppet that is Cyrus Rose (I’m just glad he didn’t bring that lame son of his.)

Everyone is watching, and no one (except Stepford Dorota) seems particularly happy about what’s going on.  Louis-bot, in particular, looks like he needs his batteries recharged.

Then comes the moment we’ve all been waiting for, when the Priest says those iconic words, “Speak now or forever hold your peace.”

And heeeeeeeeereeeeee’s Chuckie . . .

“Good lord, what are you WAITING FOR? Do I have to give you a personal invitation?  STOP THIS THING, LOVER!” 

Buuuuuut . . . he says nothing.  (You know I love you, Chuck.  But I have to do this: LOSER BUZZER!)

I hope we can still be friends . . . 

Oh, but wait a minute, apparently someone didn’t see the sign outside the church that said “silence your cell phones, during the ROYAL WEDDING.”  Suddenly, the whole entire chapel is a buzz with iPhone vibrations.  It’s Gossip Girl.  She apparently has the Chair LOVE footage, and has decided to send it to all Blair’s wedding guests.

Doesn’t ANYBODY turn off their cell phone at a wedding? 

Blair runs out in tears, her unbrushed hair flapping in the breeze behind her.

“You’re FREEEEEE!  Run for your life!” 

Louis-bot still looks like he’s about to fall asleep.  But the rest of the congregation is shocked.  Ladies and gentlemen, I  think we have  a winner.  Then again, WHO IS GOSSIP GIRL, ANYWAY?

It’s clearly, Veronica Mars, DUH! 

Georgina takes a moment to gloat, explaining to the rest of the cast, Scooby Doo style how any of them could have easily been the one who sent the video to Gossip Girl, thus single-handedly ruining Blair’s wedding.  (Honestly, I’m more interested in knowing which one was dumb enough to keep the volume up on their phone, during the ceremony.)

Oh, but here’s an interesting tidbit.  Georgina is pretty sure Chuck Bass is innocent.  After all, he’s not the kind to write stories.  He has stories written about him.  Remember?

Blair thinks Chuck did it, though, despite his protestations to the contrary.  She tries to explain to him her whole “I found religion” thing.  “You were dead,” she says.  “I saved your life.”

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Well . . . Blair . . . ummm . . . I’m going to have to disagree on both of those fronts.  But you get an “A” for effort, and, of course, angst.  What you get an “F” for is telling Louis-bot that you are still willing to go through with this sham of a wedding.  And you get a double “F” for not thinking it’s the least bit weird tha Bot’s first words, upon hearing this “great news” are, “Let me talk to my Mommy, first.”

In which Louis-bot shows more emotion then we’ve seen him emote the entire season  . . .

Fortunately, we are spared the nausea of having to suffer through Louis-bot’s most unintelligible translation of Donut’s vows to Blair, as well as their, about as sexy as your grandma kissing a moose, marital kiss.  Next stop, reception!

Things happen kind of fast, from this point forward.  Nate waddles off to hit on Lola.  And by “hit on her” I mean, he tells her he remembers her name, and where she goes to school.  Now that’s romantic!   Elsewhere, Serena tells Dan she’s in love with him . . .

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  . . . and he responds by making this face  . . .

“You don’t have to respond now,” says Serena pitifully, as every last shred of dignity leaves her body in search of wedding cake . . .

Blair is slow dancing with Louis-bot, and telling him, how happy he should be about being her seventh choice for a life partner, behind Chuck, Nate, Dan, Rufus, Serena (I can see it, can’t you?), and Chuck’s dog’s Monkey.  But Louis-bot shocks everyone by growing a pair of balls, and the kind of blackened soul one can only get from out-staying your welcome about eight episodes too long on the Upper East Side (See e.g. Vanessa, and basically any of Blair’s and Serena’s boyfriends, who weren’t part of the main cast, with the notable exceptions of Carter Baizen and Drug Dealing Damien).

“Do I smell fish?  Ick, Robot Breath . . .” 

“Theerrr ees nothink betwin us boot a contrect.  When we errr alowyn, we will be stranjursh.  My muzzer tol me loof has nothink to do with mayerieg.  Now I know she ees righth.”  (Translation:  Their is nothing between us but a contract. . . When we are alone, we will be strangers.  My mother told me love has nothing to do with marriage.  Now, I know she is right.)

And he says it all with a big fat smile on his face.  Classic.  Since no one ended up winning Stop that Wedding, I may actually have to give the robot the prize of limo sex with Chuck . . . Sad, but true.  Louis-bot also admits that Dan wrote those so-called epic vows we never got to hear.  Ouch!

Now, do I feel bad for Blair, at this point, despite some of the terrible choices she made to bring this fate upon herself.  Absolutely!  But hey, if Blair goes along with this, she could get to be a REAL princess, AND NOT have to actually sleep with, or spend time, with Louis-bot.  She can also have limo sex (and any other kind of sex, with Chuck on the side.  So, it’s kind of win-win, right?

NOOOO.  Blair wouldn’t do that, Upper East Siders.  She’s “honorable” and “newly religious.”  And she certainly isn’t this TV Recapper.  So, she makes a Secret Phone Call, and dashes off into the night.

Meanwhile, Chuck is at home drowning his sorrows (Fortunately, being Good Chuck hasn’t curbed his rampant alcoholism.)

. . . when we see him call for a car, to head back to the wedding.  Did Blair call him?

We wish . . . She actually ends up getting into the Just Married Mobile with the Donut.  *sigh*

Well, at least it wasn’t a stretch limo.  If it was a stretch limo, I might have broken my television.  And, as you know, I reallllly love my television.

Oh, and did I mention that GEORGINA signs off the episode as Gossip Girl??!!!

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I definitely wasn’t expecting that!  Though, she HAS been around since ALMOST the beginning of the show . . . well when she wasn’t in Belarus or Bible Camp, at least.  And yet, something about the website on which Georgina was posting, kind of gave me pause.  For one thing, it looked suspiciously like The Spectator Blog Site Serena used to use.

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Remember a few episodes back, when people stopped sending blasts to GG, and started sending them to Serena instead?  Well, what if Georgina is NOT Gossip Girl, at all, but rather a mere hacker imposter.  She did, after all, make a reference to being “reborn.”

As much as I loved the shock value of this twist ending, part of me hopes that Georgina is NOT Gossip Girl.  I don’t know.  I just always kind of liked the idea of the Real Gossip Girl being an outsider . . . someone sort of on the fringes of this elite society, as opposed to one of its chief villains . . . someone like Lola . . .

But there you have it folks, that was “G.G.” in a nutshell.  So, what did you think, Upper East Siders?  Will the episode live Happily Ever After with you?  Or are you already counting on some hefty alimony payments from the inevitable divorce?  As always, I’m eager to hear your thoughts . . .

XOXO!

[http://www.juliekushner.com/ingeneious.html!]

[Fangirls Forever – now with Funny Valentine’s day tees!]

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