Tag Archives: Diego Boneta

Got a Secret. Can You Keep It? – Pretty Little Liars Returns January 3rd

ARIA:  OMG, Guys!  I just got a text message from “A!”

EMILY:  Me too!  What does yours say?

ARIA:  That Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens BROKE UP!

HANNA:  NO WAY!

ARIA:  WAY!

SPENCER:  That’s soooo not true!  I just saw them out together like last week.  That “A!”  She is SUCH a Pretty Little Liar!

Deny it if you’d like.  But I’m willing to bet that SOME of you (and you know who you are) became obsessed, this past summer, with a guilty little pleasure of a teen drama called Pretty Little Liars.  Whether you admit to watching it or not, Pretty Little Liars ended up being quite the little ratings darling, during those hot summer months.  As a result of its unexpected success, ABC Family decided to add the show to its dance card, again this year. 

After a jaw-dropping, sometimes laughable, but almost ALWAYS entertaining, first half of the season, Pretty Little Liars is slated to begin airing ALL NEW episodes starting January 3rd, at 8 p.m.

Wren and Spencer are clearly thrilled by this awesome news . . .

It seems like AGES, since we last checked in on “A’s” Pretty Little Victims, doesn’t it?  With so many characters, storylines, and plot twists, you might find yourself a bit confused as to where we left off . . .

But fear not, my Pretties!  What follows is a PLL primer, which will hopefully help you get up to speed on Pretty Little Liars (i.e. where it’s been, and where it’s going), just in time for the midseason premiere . . .

(By the way, just in case you were curious, the GIFS included this post were brought to you by the F-Yeah Pretty Little Liars Tumblr)

The Books

The Pretty Little Liars television series was inspired by a young adult book series of the same name, which was written by author, Sara Shephard.  The original series consisted of eight books.  Each book focused primarily on one of the four main characters in the series: Aria, Hanna, Spencer, or Emily.  The events that took place during the television series’ pilot episode, more or less directly corresponded with those from the first book in the series.

Recently, Sara Shephard has announced that, based on the success of the first eight books, as well as the television series inspired by them, she plans to add four additional books to the Pretty Little Liars series.  The first of those four books, Twisted, is set to hit bookstores in July of 2011.

The Mystery

You see that girl in the Missing Persons Poster pictured above?  Her name is Alison.  (Ali for short.)  And she’s dead.  At least .  . . we think she’s dead.  Actually, what exactly happened to Ali is one of the main mysteries of both the books and the television series.

About a year before the events of the television series take place, Ali, Spencer, Hanna, Aria, and Emily were having a slumber party in a barn on Spencer’s property, when Ali suddenly disappeared in the middle of the night.  She wasn’t seen or heard from for a year after that. 

Then, a year to the date of her disappearance, Ali’s decaying, smelly, and very stinky body was discovered near that barn.  Now, suddenly, all the girls who attended that slumber party are receiving strange and threatening messages from someone named “A,” who seems to know secrets about them that only the supposedly six-feet-under Alison would know.

What really happened to Alison that night?  And who is “A?”  These are the two main mysteries of the series.

As for the first mystery, well . . . there are a lot of folks out there who’d want to off Alison.  If you watch some of the flashbacks from the series, you will become one of them.  Girlfriend was a b*tch with a capital “B!”  Aside from being pretty, popular, and kind of a ho, Ali really had no redeeming qualities, whatsoever.  In fact, sometimes, figuring out what the heck the girls were thinking, when they decided to befriend Alison is the unofficial third mystery of the series . . .

Everyone seemed to have a motive to kill Alison — from the outcasts she taunted, to the girls whose boyfriends she stole, to the girl she inadvertently made blind, to the boy whose life she ruined, and to the many boys (and girls) whose hearts she broke.  Later in the series, we learn that, among the last people to see Ali alive on the night of her disappearance, was her much older boyfriend, Ian, who she dated in secret . . .

 and her neighbor, Creepy Toby, who was basically sent away to juvie, because of her . . .

The Pretty Little Liars Themselves

(1) Aria

When we first meet Aria, she is the rebel of the group.  We know this because she wears black, and has a purple stripe in her hair.  But her father’s adulterous affair, a year spent in Iceland, and Ali’s death, scare all goth tendencies (including the aforementioned purple stripe) right out of Aria.  She is a more or less well-behaved “sensitive writer type,” by the time we meet her.  Aria’s knowledge of her father’s affair, was a secret that only Ali knew about. 

Aria’s Dirty Daddy

And yet, during the season, “A” dropped that bomb on Aria’s mother, by sending her an anonymous letter about it. 

Aria’s Messed Up Mommy

This letter caused Aria’s mom to become briefly estranged from Aria, and move out of the family household.

“A” also seems to know about the illicit affair Aria has begun carrying on with her English teacher, Ezra Fitz, who Aria met at a bar, and classily screwed in a unisex bathroom, just days before the school year began . . .

Aria and Ezra broke up briefly, when Ezra found a text message from “A” about their relationship, on Aria’s phone, leading him wrongly to believe that his underage girlfriend was “talking out of school.”  Ezra also left town for a period of time, without telling Aria, in search of another teaching job. 

During the couple’s breakup, Aria briefly tried to date Bushy Eyebrows Noel, but that relationship quickly fizzled, when Noel realized that Aria wasn’t yet over her “old boyfriend.”  (And when I say OLD, I mean it in more ways than one . . .)

In the mid-season finale, Aria and Ezra had reunited, and were getting freaky in Ezra’s car, when another car hit her friend Hanna, who had just made a major break in the “who killed Ali” case.  Whoever tried to kill Hanna, also seemed to know about Aria’s and Ezra’s affair, and told the couple so, in no uncertain terms . . .

Apparently, “A” has learned her communication kills from the I Know What You Did Last Summer School of Window and Mirror writing . . .

(2) Hanna

Before the series began, Hanna was an outcast, and, apparently, a major porker.  We know this because, even though she looks JUST AS PRETTY AND THIN in flashbacks, as she does during the actual series, in flashbacks, she wears baggy t-shirts and ponytails, and has bad posture.  Oh  . . . she’s also EATING SOMETHING, in every single flashback scene.

But Ali’s disappearance apparently left an opening in the Popularity Pool.  So, after Evil Ali was out of the way, Hanna “lost a lot of weight” and became the school’s new Queen Bee, along with fellow former outcast, the UBER ANNOYING Mona.

 

Hobbies of Hanna’s include shoplifting and bulimia.  But lest you think she’s just another biatch, Hanna quickly becomes one of the kindest and most relatable characters in the series.  This can be attributed to four humbling things that happen to Hanna, during the course of the series:  (1) her mother’s unfortunate and sudden loss of wealth;

(2) her father’s sudden remarriage;

(3) the termination of her relationship with that Snoozy Bible Thumper Sean;

and (4) her budding friendship with sweetheart outcast, Lucas.

When we last saw Hanna in the mid-season finale, she was hit by a car (A’s car?) and knocked unconscious.  The hit and run occured just moments before Hanna was about to share a “shocking” announcement with her friends, about A’s true identity, and/or who might have killed Alison.

(3) Spencer

Spencer is your typical Type A personality / overachiever.  She wears lots of argyle and sweater vests.  Her family is very wealthy, and her dad is kind of a dick.  Spencer also has a penchant for stealing her older sister’s boyfriends.  The first she made out with was Ian, who, we learn, by the end of the series, was also dating Ali at the time.   Then she starts smooching with her sister’s adorable fiance, Wren . . .

Spencer’s sister catches the pair hooking up in Spencer’s bedroom, and eventually calls off the engagement.  Wren continues to court Spencer for awhile, but then inexplicably disappears . . .

 . . .  and is replaced by new not nearly as exciting boyfriend Poor Alex, who she ironically meets at her family’s country club.  (He’s a BALL BOY, naturally . . .)

Spencer and Alex break up briefly, after Spencer’s sister tries to make Alex think Spencer is embarrassed to be seen with him, because he’s so darn POOR.  But they, eventually the couple makes up.  Spencer later learns that Alex once comforted Spencer’s mother, during a breast cancer scare.  This information touches Spencer deeply, and makes us feel a bit better about Wren’s untimely disappearance but not much

 Throughout the first half of the season, “A” taunts Spencer about what a man-stealing HO she is .  . .  Spencer was also the last of the PLL girls to see Ali alive.  The two supposedly had a BIG FIGHT on the night Ali disappeared.

(4) Emily

Emily is quiet tomboy, who used to date Wife Beater Ben, until he tried to rape her in the gym locker room. 

But Emily actually likes girls, more than boys.  She made out with Ali once, and professed her love to the Queen Bee in a letter, only to be viciously spurned by her.  During the series, Emily begins a tentative lesbian relationship with a girl named Maya, who moves into Ali’s old house . . .

Maya looks to be about 40-years old . . . but is supposedly only 16 . . .

“A” seems aware of Emily’s relationship with Maya, and taunts her with it, by posting pictures of the couple in Emily’s locker.  This causes Emily to break up with Maya, and briefly begin a friendship with Creepy Toby, who she takes to the Homecoming Dance as a date. 

 But Creepy Toby creeps her out too much, so she runs away from him at the dance, and eventually ends up in the hospital, as a result.  Toby escaped authorities after dropping Emily off at the hospital.  He then stupidly called Emily (who he PUT in the hospital) for help during the mid-season finale.  Emily initially acted as though she wanted to help Toby.  However, instead of meeting him when she was supposed to, she sent the cops instead . . .

 

 

The Frenemies 

(1)  Creepy Toby and Blind Jenna

 

Creepy Toby and Blind Jenna (who wasn’t always blind, by the way) were Spencer’s neighbors.  They are step-siblings.  One night Creepy Toby was supposedly spying on the Pretty Little Liar girls.  This infuriated Ali, and made her desperate for revenge.  So, she made firecrackers, and decided to set them off near Creepy Toby’s garage.  But when Spencer peeked into the garage, she saw Creepy Toby and Blind Jenna DOING IT . . .

So, Ali (understandably) freaked out and dropped the firecrackers.  The sparklers went off in the garage, and caused Jenna to become blind.  Jenna now carries around a VERY LOUD cane of destruction, and always makes weirdly suggestive remarks to the girls, for no apparent reason at all.  She also oddly still uses a mirror to put on lipstick, even though SHE CAN’T SEE!

The girls briefly suspected Jenna as being “A,” when they caught her sending strange text messages through her laptop voice recognition program.  Later, the girls found a threatening message written on Spencer’s mirror in Jenna’s ugly shade of lipstick . . .

But of the two people I listed, Toby seemed to the girls a more likely candidate  to be Ali’s killer.  After all, it was TOBY who took the rap for causing Jenna’s blindness.  He did so, after Ali threatened him with revealing the knowledge of his sister-f*cking affair, if he didn’t absolve her of all wrongdoing.  Toby was sent away to juvie, as a result.  As mentioned earlier, Toby was also one of the last people seen with Ali, before she disappeared.

(2) Deputy Douchey

Deputy Douchey is a busy guy.  When he’s not catching shoplifters . . .

  . . . or screwing Hanna’s mom . . .

 or looking hot in a towel . . .

 . . . he’s trying to solve Ali’s murder.  But, basically, he just runs around stupidly accusing the Pretty Little Liars of killing Ali, and making Hanna’s life miserable.  Basically, aside from being kind of hot, Deputy Douchey sucks at life . . .

(3) Mona

 

You know who else sucks at life?  Mona.  We’re still not quite sure why Hanna hangs out with her, as she is really quite annoying.  Mona basically exists to make mean comments to everyone on the show, and repeatedly remind Hanna that her “popularity” is important.  I include her in this synopsis for two reasons only: (1) the events of the mid-season finale took place at HER ery lame birthday party; and (2) she was a MAJOR character in the book series, in more ways than one . . . 😉

(4) Jason

Jason is Dead Ali’s older brother.  He used to be a Goth, but now he’s just an A**hole.  Jason flew onto town on his broomstick toward the end of the summer season, and has been getting in the girls’ way, ever since.  Not only did he completely take over Ali’s memorial ceremony, after the girls worked so hard to put it together,  he, like Deputy Douchey, seems to think the girls had something to do with Ali’s death . . .

The Newbies

When Pretty Little Liars returns on January 3rd, at least three new faces will join the regular cast.  Lindsay Shaw, of 10 Things I Hate About You and Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide will play Paige a fellow athlete, and rival to Emily on the school swimteam . . .

Alona Tal of Veronica Mars and Cane will play Simone, Aria’s old babysitter, and a competitor for Mr. Fitz’s heart . . .

Tyler Blackburn will play Resident Bad Boy, Caleb, who will likely serve as a new love interest for one of the Pretty Little Liars . . .

Promos and Clips

Recently, ABC Family has released some new video footage from the show, to promote the upcoming mid-season premiere.  You can check out the new promo, and two clips from an upcoming episode, entitled “Moments Later,”  below.  ( Special thanks, Team Ezra Fitz, for showing me these!)

Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to end this post with a few of my favorite Cheesy Stalker Messages from “A” . . .

See you on January 3rd, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com]

 

8 Comments

Filed under Pretty Little Liars, Spoilers and Sneak Peaks

Please, wipe your feet, before entering the school – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “The Perfect Storm”

Hey, Emily and Lucas!  I want to show you something.  See this?  It’s called WATER!  You can use it to wash your SNEAKERS . . . you know, when they get DIRTY . . . and you have to go somewhere . . . IMPORTANT . . . like, say, an EXAM.

Tonight’s Pretty Little Liars installment didn’t really get us any closer to finding out who “A” was, or who killed Alison.  But it did provide us with motives for two brand new suspects.

Emily and Lucas

Granted, I don’t really think EITHER of these two “did it,” but it does serve to make things a bit more interesting . . . 

Oh, and you know what else?

IT’S ALIVE!

Yeah, so apparently, Dead Creepy Toby is not so much DEAD, after all.  Then again, I don’t think he “did it” either.  That would be way too easy!  He still scares the crap out of me though . . .

But I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here . . . So, strap on your muddy sneakers and, let’s backtrack a bit . . .

It’s S.A.T. Time!

When the episode opens, Spencer, Aria, and Hanna are studying for the S.A.Ts, which they will all be taking the next day.  They are also waiting for Emily, who is MIA.  Now, I’m not sure exactly how long its been since the writers of this show took their SAT’s.  But you would think that SOMEONE on the staff would have taken the test recently enough (like, say, sometime within the last 50 years) to know that studying vocab words with flashcards the night before the test isn’t really going to help.  The chances of a word on those cards ACTUALLY being on the test, are about as slim as the chances that Toby is actually “A” on this show . . .

“Hey Emily, do you, by chance, know a synonym for the word ‘psychopath?’

Nonetheless, I do have to thank ABC Family for the little vocab lesson I received tonight.  Before this episode, I didn’t know what “meretricious” meant (It means “deceitful”).  Now I do!  Yay, for educational television!

“Tonight’s episode is brought to you by the letter ‘A.”

So, the girls are studying.  Hanna is trying to convince Aria to get with Senor Bushy Eyebrows.  Spencer is gushing over Alex.  Blah, blah, blah . . . pretty boring stuff.  But then someone wonders out loud where Emily is . . .

“Well, I’m not out buying clean shoes to wear for the test, that’s for sure!”

Elsewhere, Emily dashes into her bedroom and locks the door.  She’s soaking wet and muddy from running in the rain.  She empties out the contents of her bag, and shoves them under her bed.  It’s hard to tell what’s in the bag, but we suspect it’s some pretty random and useless sh*t.

Case in point: THIS photograph.

Relieved that she has gotten away unnoticed, Emily slumps down on the bed, heaving a sigh of relief.  That is until her cell phone vibrates.  Hey, Emily!  You got a new text message!  Golly gee!  I wonder who it’s from?

The taunting text messages have returned! 

THAT was awkward . . .

“On the bright side, Mom, at least I’m not boning my sister’s fiance anymore!”

Sigh!

It’s now the day of the exam.  And the same storm that made Emily so wet the night before (ha ha ha) is still going strong — SO STRONG, in fact, that the exam might actually be canceled!

Oh, please no!  The S.A.T’s can’t be canceled NOW!  Not when I finally know what meretricious means!

Spencer’s mother, who we haven’t seen AT ALL since the series started, but is suddenly Miss Overbearing Mommy of the Year . . .

“Woo hoo!  SAG card here I come!  Wait .  . . what’s my daughter’s name again?”

. . . insists on escorting Spencer to the exam.  Once inside the high school, Mama Hastings immediately proceeds to raise hell to anyone who will listen, about the travesty of justice that will inevitably result, if her precious little daughter, Spencer, has to take a test IN THE RAIN!  (Heaven forbid!) 

Spencer . . . now THAT is a girl who would NEVER EVER be caught wearing dirty shoes to an exam.

“If my shoes were dirty, I wouldn’t be able to read the test answers I wrote on them, which, I conveniently stole from my sister’s laptop.”

As it turns out, Spencer’s new beau Not Wren Alex is also taking the S.A.T.’s at Spencer’s high school.  And her mom, may or may not have caught the couple cleaning eachother’s teeth with their tongues, right in the middle of the school hallway.  “Oh, you’re the [Ball] Boy from the [Country] Club,” says Spencer’s mom, with an expression on her face that looks like she just ate poop.

A face like that is generally not a good sign for you, Blue Ball Boy Alex . . .

Alex seems equally uncomfortable during the meeting, and Spencer, being Spencer, immediately assumes the worst.  “What did my mother say to you?”  Spencer demands.

 “I don’t want to talk about it,” replies Alex, in Typical Guy fashion, before basically blowing Spencer off . . .

Spencer doesn’t have too much time to ponder the meaning behind Alex’s sudden departure, however, because she is soon confronted by another moody man, one who looks a little long in the tooth to be taking his S.A.T’s . . . It’s Deputy Douchey of course!

Unfortunately, he had clothes on this time.

Deputy Douchey proceeds to tell Spencer and Co. what us Pretty Little Liar fans already knew.  “Somebody destroyed Alison’s memorial,” Douchey sneers.

Now, it’s Spencer’s turn to look like she just ate poop.  But Douchey’s not really interested in torturing Spencer today.  He has his sites on another Pretty Little Liar . . .

No, it’s not Hanna, although we’ve already established that Douchey secretly wants to get in HER pants . . .

“Moi?”

Douchey wants to know if Emily has seen Creepy Toby lately, who, as I mentioned, is not so much, dead, anymore.  Douchey suspects that Toby killed the memorial (and Ali?).  He also wonders out loud why Emily’s shoes look like someone took a giant dump on them. 

(Seriously?  WTF?  We all know Emily got home early enough the night before to wash her shoes, or AT LEAST change into another pair, before heading off to the exam.  Are we REALLY supposed to believe that the girl took the time to get dressed in a new outfit . . . and then put on those same nasty shoes . . . without bothering to so much as pat them with a sponge or paper towel?)

Fortunately for Emily, Spencer’s mother swoops in to halt the interrogation . . .

‘”I’m sorry, I thought you were my daughter . . . never mind.”

 . . . and the girls head together toward the library, to register for the exam.

Oh, yes!  Reading Great Expectations Makes Me SO HOT!

“Now I know why they call him Charles DICK-ens.”

The girls sit down together at the library to “study” some more . . .

If you look closely at this picture, you can tell that all the books they have open are completely blank . . .

It’s not long before Deputy Douchey comes to bug them again.  “Where were you all last night?”  Douchey demands.

“We were all together, studying,” pipes in Dirty Feet Emily, before any of her friends can contradict her.

“Of course, I’m not lying!  What on earth would give you that idea?”

After Deputy Douchey leaves, the girls confront Emily about her little fib.  She gets defensive.  “I’m going to the bathroom, but if you want to come with me, we can all try to squeeze into the same stall together!”  Emily quips.

“I’m serious.  I’d really like to see you girls in my bathroom stall.”

(Speaking of lesbians, was it just me, or was Emily WAY more interesting in this episode, without Snoozy Maya to bring her down?  Just saying . . .)

As soon as Emily leaves, Spencer gets a text from the suddenly way more prolific A.  “It seems like you girls lost Emily.  Who’s next?”  It says, more or less . . .

Emily gets a text from “A” too, hers makes reference to the Charles Dickens’ novel “Great Expectations,” which apparently the girls had read in English class the previous year . . .

First To Kill a Mockingbird, then Catcher in the Rye, then the Adventures of Tom Sawyer, now Great Expectations . . . We get it, ABC Family!   You want us to read the classics.  You can stop shoving old books down our throats, now . . .

Emily quickly finds the book in question, and pulls it from the shelf.  A few passages are highlighted, but we can’t really see what they are.  A letter falls out of the book addressed to Alison from Emily, herself.  Initially, I thought it was a “Love Letter,” but it actually ended up being a “You made out with me, and then rejected my ass.  I hate your guts, you Big Fat Turd” Letter.

Instantly, we flash back to a year earlier.  Emily and the surprisingly well-read Ali are in the library on the floor.  Ali waxes poetic about how beautiful and romantic Great Expectations was (Clearly, she and I didn’t read the same book.)  Then, Emily tells Ali about her dream that Blind Jenna got her sight back and was miraculously able to use a mirror to put on lipstick!

Look!  It’s a DREAM COME TRUE!

Ali then reads Emily some random passage from Great Expectations.  The reading gets them both so hot and bothered, that they start necking.

On to Flashback 2 . . . Now Emily and Ali are in a gym locker room.  Ali babbles on for a bit about how she would love to go to Paris so that she can eat croissants and shop, even though she could probably do both of those things at the mall down the street.  “Do you know any French families looking to house a nice girl from Pennsylvania?”  Ali asks Emily.

“Sure I do, but then who would YOU stay with?”  Emily replies, or at least that’s how she WOULD reply, if she had any backbone at all . . . which she doesn’t.

The picture Ali used in her application to become an exchange student in Paris.

Did I mention that Ali delivered this entire speech COMPLETELY naked?

(It might interest you to know that, unlike the other actresses on this show, most of whom are in their early 20s, Sasha Pieterse, the actress who plays Ali, is just 14-years old.  Skating on some thin ice there, ABC Fam!)

To further slut things up, Ali asks Emily to help her put her bra on, because she can’t do it herself.  (She must have really short arms.)  Emily complies, taking the request as an invitation to start kissing Ali on her lady parts.  “What are you doing?”  Ali seethes.  “I like boys on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays; Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I’m a total lezzie!  The only reason I would kiss you would be to practice for the real thing.  Take me home, b&tch!  You’re my ride!”  She says to Emily, more or less.

Hence the . . . “You made out with me, and then rejected my ass.  I hate your guts, you Big Fat Turd” Letter.

Emily gets so caught up pondering her Relationship Baggage, that she fails to notice that someone  has swooped in and taken her ACTUAL baggage.  Oh, did I forget to mention, that Emily was SO determined that people not find the Bad Stuff she took home in her bag the night before, that she  BROUGHT IT ALL TO SCHOOL WITH HER?

So, of course, who stole finds the bag, but THIS GUY . . .

Yes, I have CLOTHED pictures of him.  NO, I DON’T feel like using them . . .

Emily might as well have wrapped her guilt in a bow and handed it to Deputy D-bag (which is why we all know she is innocent, by the way – Emily is clearly not smart enough to be “A.”).  In addition to her muddy sneakers, Douchey presents to her: (1) pieces of the destroyed memorial, found in her bag; (2) the “You made out with me, and then rejected my ass.  I hate your guts, you Big Fat Turd” Letter; and (3) pictures of her sitting at the destroyed memorial around the time the crime purportedly occurred.

A tearful Emily explains to Deputy Douchey and the rest of the Pretty Little Liars that she came to the memorial to apologize to Ali for writing the above-referenced letter, and found the memorial already destroyed.  She took its pieces because they were the only ones still left in tact.  She also FINALLY comes out of the closet to her friends (aside from Hanna, who already knew about it).

But, just when it seems like Douchey may have enough evidence to build a case against Emily for Ali’s murder and/or the destruction of her memorial, who steps in to save the day YET AGAIN, but Spencer’s mom!

“Wait!  Are you sure this isn’t my kid?  Darn!”

Ball Boy Gets Lucky . . . Though Not in the Way Some of You Would Have Hoped . . .

Spencer’s Mom informs Douchey, in no uncertain terms, that he has crossed the line, by attempting to interrogate the Pretty Little Liars (all minors, by the way, without an adult present).  Impressed by her mom’s unusually helpful behavior, Spencer finally confronts her, and asks her what her deal is with Alex.

“I f&cked him.  He supported me during a difficult time,” she explains. 

As it turns out, Spencer’s mom had a lumpectomy, and dealt with it by (1) not telling her family about it; and (2) getting completely wasted at the Country Club.  Alex discretely kept her from suffering alcohol poisoning, and kept his word not to tell anyone about what happened.  In return for his good deeds, Alex is rewarded by getting Spencer’s mother’s blessing to date Spencer.  Spencer is so proud of her new boy toy she practically nails him right in the middle of the school hallway . . .

Part of me was kind of hoping they would start salsa dancing again.  They didn’t.

“If it were ME, I totally would have salsa danced with Spencer at school.  I’m just a spontaneous kind of guy!”

We know, Wren!  Oh boy, do we know!

Like Daughter, Like Mother . . .

“Turns out .  . . EVERYONE wants a piece of the white pasty stick legs!”

Still bummed out over her parent’s separation, and Fitzy’s disappearance, Aria . . .

 . . . tries to cheer herself up by taking part in an impromptu jam session with the guitar slinging (Did he take that thing to the S.A.T’s with him?  Seriously?) Bushy Eyebrows Noel.  He plays.  She sings.  (Some chaperones these kids have that NO ONE with any authority has any idea they are doing this!) 

Once Noel was finished playing, his eyebrows provided an encore performance.

 Like Emily and Ali, and their SUPER SEXY Great Expectations read along, Aria and Bushy Eyebrow Noel get swept up in their karaoke moment, and are about to kiss, when who magically appears?  THIS GUY!

But just when you think the clearly jealous Fitzy is going to fight for the woman he loves . . . he doesn’t.  El Wimpo merely reverts back to his same broken record mantra, of “You’re too young.  This will never work,” all the while, repeatedly telling Aria how much he still loves her.  (Talk about mixed messages!)

At the end of the episode, Aria reluctantly agrees both to go out on a “real date” with Bushy Eyebrows, and try to reconcile things with her mother, who she hasn’t been speaking with since her parents separated two weeks ago . . .

Speaking of Aria’s mother . . .

 . . . girlfriend was putting the moves on her daughter’s boyfriend Fitzy, pretty hard core this week, wasn’t she? 

Granted, she doesn’t KNOW it’s her boyfriend, yet, but still.  “If we were in a plane [in this storm], I’d totally be in your lap right now,” Aria’s Mommy explains seductively, while her and Fitzy search for food, during their tenure chaperoning the S.A.T. That Wasn’t.

“Is that an invitation?”

Aria’s mom also plies Fitzy for information about Aria — information that he doesn’t know, because he has been being a Total D-Bag, and ignoring her for weeks.  Nevertheless, I’m really glad that, ultimately, nothing happened between Fitzy and Mommy Montgomery, because that would just be too weird!

Since when did “faxing” become a euphemism for sex?

You know what else would be weird?  A relationship between Aria’s dad . . .

Note: For purposes of this blog post, please pretend Hilary Swank is not in this picture . . .

 . . . and Hanna’s mom!

It all started (like any good porno would) with a blackout, and Aria’s dad coming to Hanna’s mom’s house to “fax something.”  (Ahem.)  The two flirt in the dark over candles and some wine.  They gripe about loneliness, and the trials and tribulations of “single parenthood.”  They make a date to meet up for dinner that weekend.  And then the lights go on . . .  and nothing happens  . . . thank goodness!  Because these two as a couple?  NOT cute!

And, finally, in Fabulous Hanna and Adorable Lucas News . . .

Lucas continues to sell Hanna’s stuff on EBay all through faux-exam day, eagerly tapping her on the shoulder to spread the good news, whenever one of her items is sold.  The two even have a bit of fun at the expense of Hanna’s RIDICULOUSLY AWFUL “friend” Mona, who, unknowingly BOUGHT one of Hanna’s bags.

Evil Mona sloughs it off.  “I meant to do that,” she explains.

But you can tell she’s defensive about the whole thing, seeing as she immediately remarks snidely on Hanna’s sensitive financial situation (“So, what, you’re poor now?”   She asks.) , as well as her newfound friendship with Lucas.  Evil Mona even goes as far as to tell Lucas to grow something that rhymes with WEENIS!

You don’t hear THAT on ABC Family every day!  Awesome Hanna sticks up for Adorable Lucas against Evil Mona, and Lucas is thrilled.  After the S.A.T’s are canceled and the storm has lifted, so that the students can finally leave the school, Lucas thanks Hanna profusely for her kindness.  “There’s nothing to thank.  We’re friends’ right, Geek?”  She remarks lovingly, before heading out of the school.

The normally unflappable Lucas’s face falls a bit, at the mention of the dreaded “f” word . . .  not that he wasn’t expecting it.  He calls after Hanna, we think, to come clean about his obvious romantic feelings toward her.  However, he ultimately loses his nerve. 

But WAS that what he wanted to say to Hanna, or did he have something else to confess?

In the last shot of the episode, we scroll downward to Lucas’ feet, which, like Emily’s, look like someone took a dump on them, even though he’s been at school FOR HOURS with nothing to do but wash the darn things . . .

Note the SKINNY JEANS!

Could ADORABLE LUCAS have destroyed Ali’s memorial?  After all, he DID admit to hating Ali for teasing him mercilessly, throughout her short life. But did Lucas hate Ali enough to KILL HER?  Could HE be the mysterious “A?”

I guess we will have to tune in to next week’s Season Finale to find out . . .

 [www.juliekushner.com]

 

 

 

 

 

20 Comments

Filed under Pretty Little Liars

Change Your Partner, Change the Game: A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Homecoming Hangover”

To call tonight’s installment of Pretty Little Liars a “game changer” is a bit of an overstatement . . . a very cliched overstatement.  And yet, in the most literal sense of the term, that’s what “Homecoming Hangover” was.  After all, this was the episode where everything  . . . CHANGED.  Formerly “hot” romances fizzled out  . . .

I still haven’t given up hope, Wren!  COME BACK!

. . . recently broken relationships were mended, new prospective couplings blossomed, and a MAJOR suspect may very well have been taken out of commission for good.

Now that you know all of the rules have changed, what do you say we start playing the game?

“I Was Hunted Down by Creepy Toby, and All I Got Was This Lame Wrist Brace . . .”

“Thank goodness for this stylish butterfly stitch on my forehead, or you might have never known I was recently in ‘GRAVE DANGER.'”

When the episode opens, Aria, Spencer, and Hanna are still at the Homecoming Dance, searching for Emily when they find her cell phone on the ground . . . along with some broken glass . . . and BLOOD!

“I TOLD Emily she should have never chosen the theme song from The Shining as her ringtone.  That’s just asking for trouble.”

But fear not, boys and girls.  Emily is not dead . . .

 . . . She’s just out for a romantic, late night car ride . . . except, she’s all bloody . . . and unconscious . . .  and Creepy Toby is behind the wheel . . .

Now, those of you who truly believed that Toby would chop up Emily into little bite-sized pieces, and eat them with french fries, have clearly never watched an ABC Family show.  Because in the next scene, Emily is chilling in her bedroom with no injuries at all, except for what appears to be a sprained wrist, and a small, very attractive, cut on her forehead.  Then again, maybe Emily suffered some  brain internal injuries, invisible to the human eye, because she was inexplicably on bedrest for two days. 

As it turns out, Creepy Toby . . .

“That’s ME!”

 . . . merely drove Emily’s unconscious body to the hospital, dumped it near the entranceway, and skipped town on his motorcycle, faster than you could say “raving lunatic.”

The next morning, cops swarmed upon Emily’s home, inquiring as to both Toby’s whereabouts and the location of his psychological records, which seemed to have gone missing that same night (because Hanna took them). 

“Oh yeah!  I’m one Bad Ass Chica!”

At some point during the evening (not sure if it was when Toby was chasing her around the school like a mad man, or dragging her, limp unconscious body into his car), Emily decides that Toby is a “totally sweet guy . . . just misunderstood.” What a moron!  So, she comes up with the brilliant idea to lie to the cops on his behalf, by claiming that her injuries were due merely to her own clumsiness, and nothing more. 

Unfortunately for Emily (and Creepy Toby), precisely NO ONE believes her story, particularly not Emily’s mom.  In fact, Mommy Dearest sees this as a BRILLIANT opportunity to lecture the recently beat up Emily for EMBARASSING her family, by having the NERVE to go to the prom with someone SO UNCOOL!

I don’t understand, Emily.  Why can’t you just date statutory rapists in their mid twenties, like your friends do?”

While Emily is resting up in bed with her barely there injuries, she receives some visitors.  First up are Spencer and Aria, who inform Emily about Toby’s whole “Sister Sex with Blind Jenna” Thing.  Emily who has always really wanted a hot brother to screw, is not quite sure what to do with this information.  Fortunately, My New Favorite Character, Hanna, arrives next, to put things into perspective . . . . She sweetly (and wisely) tells Emily that being a Lesbian is WAY better than dating a Sister F**ker who may very well also be a Stalker / Killer, like Creepy Toby.

Third on the guest list is Blind Jenna . . .

. . . who seems to have replaced her Cane of Destruction with a Hound from Hell.  Blind Jenna’s Guide Dog was so menacing and unstable looking, that if this was a different show, I would have sworn it was Creepy Toby in werewolf form . . .

Jenna also brings cookies, which she insists that Emily eat with milk because it helps the poison in them go down easier.

Fortunately, for Emily, she has seen Snow White enough times to know that taking food from Creepy People is a Bad Idea.  So, she leaves the cookies untouched.  Upon realizing that Emily knows about Creepy Toby’s missing psych file, Blind Jenna begs her for its safe return.  Emily promises Blind Jenna that she will do everything in her power to keep the latter’s Brother F*c*ing Secret safe, by retrieving the file.  However, when Emily texts the other Pretty Little Liars regarding said promise, they have already thrown the file in the LAKE, fully in tact.  

Riiiiiight . . . because NO ONE is going to find it THERE!  Haven’t these girls ever heard of a SHREDDER?

NO!  Not THAT Shredder!  THIS Shredder . . .

Only two can keep a secret, if one of them is SHRED . . .

During this episode, Emily also wins a car . . .

and decides to make a go of it with her lady crush, Maya . . .

 . . . which I would be excited about . . . if these two weren’t the most BORING lesbian couple on the entire planet  . . .

Hanna learns the joys of YouTube . . . and Lucas

“Hey, Hanna!  I found this GREAT video where they make fun of all the girls from Pretty Little Liars.  Wanna see?”

The next day at school, Hanna has to take a makeup picture, for the yearbook, wearing her Homecoming Queen crown. Hanna’s photographer is none other than THIS GUY  . . .

 . . . no . . . actually it’s not him. 

However, OUR guy, Lucas, looks and acts JUST LIKE Seth Cohen from The O.C., which undoubtedly has a lot to do with why I like him so much.  After initially getting adorably shy and flustered around Hanna, upon seeing her once again decked out in her homecoming finest, Lucas quickly develops an easy repoire with the Queen Bee, tossing cute jokes and sarcastic quips her way, as he hones in on her with his camera lens. 

Then, unfortunately, the Boring, Quite Possibly Gay, Sean has to come and ruin everything, with his bitchy attitude and his blubbering about how Hanna ditched him at the dance.    Boo Hoo, Rich Popular Jock Boy, the world’s smallest violin is performing an entire concert in your honor . . .

Beauty and the D-Bag.

Did I mention that this A-hole couldn’t even be bothered to put on a PAIR OF PANTS, before appearing in the photo shoot?  (Then again, Sean was probably just trying to hit on Lucas, by showing him his hot dog . . .)

It’s a tough job, but SOMEONE has to be Sean’s little weiner.

 Sean ultimately throws a temper tantrum, and storms out of the room, leaving Hanna and Lucas alone to flirt with eachother.

Later, Hanna and Lucas bond over the wonderful world of YouTube, and, in particular, a video involving a Snowboarding Turkey.

Not exactly the video I would have chosen to help land ME a date.  But it seemed to work prettyh well for Lucas.  So who am I to judge?

While enjoying their YouTube, Lucas and Hanna learned that they both had something else in common: both had a bad high school nickname bestowed upon them by none other than the Now Dead Ali . . .

Lucas’ was “Herme the Hermaphodite,” because Ali didn’t like his glasses (Huh?  I don’t get it.)  Hanna was “Hefty Hanna” (Now, that one I get, at least).  Wise Lucas then asks Hanna what many Pretty Little Liars fans have undoubtedly been thinking since the start of this show.  Namely, “Why the heck did you all hang out with Ali, if she was such a b*tch?”  (Well, put Seth Cohen Lucas!)

Hanna spouts off some nonsense about Ali having a way of “making people feel special.”  However, I suspect the REAL reason for their friendship was that Ali had a way of “making people popular.”

At the end of the episode, Hanna makes up with Sean, but soon learns that HE, unlike Lucas, has NO appreciation for Snowboarding YouTube Turkeys OR Loud Music (two things which should clearly signify the death knell for ANY high school relationship).  Worry not, Sean . . . you’ll always have Jesus . . .

First Wren Leaves, Now Fitzy, What is this show coming to?

Watch with a heavy heart, as those pasty twig legs and dweeby haircut ride off into the sunset  . . . alone.

But before I get to Fitzy, there’s something else you should know about Sean.  Aside from loving Jesus, and hating Snowboarding Turkeys, he’s also a two-timing bastard.  He taught us that, when he sent a huge bouquet of flowers to his girlfriend’s best friend, Aria, in hopes that doing so would help him to get into her pantalones, pronto.  (By the way, I’m not buying Sean’s whole “abstinence thing” for a minute.   Are you?)

Say what you want about Aria, but she KNOWS bullshit when she sees it.  Suspecting that Sean is only feigning interest her to get back at Hanna for her Homecoming Dance antics, Aria calls Sean out on his behavior, extracting a heartfelt apology from him, in the process.  Aria’ is lucky that this incident blew over fast, because she REALLY doesn’t have time for any more BS in her life.  She’s already chock full.  During this episode, Aria had to deal with the trial separation of her mother and father, AND her brother’s acting out in school . . .

To further complicate matters, overnight, her lover, Ezra a.k.a. Fitzy, seemed to have went the way of Wren and Creepy Toby — having disappeared into thin air overnight (They REALLY are dropping like flies, aren’t they?  It SURE doesn’t help your employment status to have a weiner on this show!). 

Desperate for answers, Aria heads to Fitzy’s apartment, and lets herself in using the hide-a-key he has left under his welcome mat. 

REALLY, Fitzy?  A HIDE-A-KEY?  Under a WELCOME MAT?  In an APARTMENT COMPLEX?  You might has well put a sign on your door that says, “Please Rob Me!”

Anyway, soon after Aria is safely inside Fitzy’s apartment, she hears a message on his answering machine from a nearby high school.  Apparently, Fitzy is applying for a job out of town.  Aria is crushed, though I’m not exactly sure why.  If Fitzy starts teaching elsewhere, Aria and him can bone without fear of repercusion for the whole “student / teacher thing.”  Then again . . . there’s still the whole “statutory rape” thing on the table.  Fitzy can’t exactly make that one disappear, now can he?

Spencer Shish-Kabobs and Salsas into Alex’s Heart

While Aria was LOSING her OLD man (emphasis on the OLD), Spencer was digging her claws into her NEW one.  With Wren seemingly no where to be found he’s probably off shooting a pilot episode somewhere, Spencer has devoted herself wholeheartedly to getting Alex’s pants. 

 Her campaign begins in the kitchen at the country club where Spencer plays and Alex works.  Spencer barges in to apologize for her bad behavior during the Homecoming Dance.  Clearly turned on by Spencer’s persistence and agression, Alex quickly forgives her and agrees to give her another chance, provided she let HIM pick the terms of the couple’s next date.  Spencer is overjoyed.

One – Love. (Two, if you count Wren, which I STILL DO!)

Just in case you forgot what he looks like . . .

Unfortunately, on the day of the Big Date, Alex calls Spencer to cancel, claiming he has to work.  Knowing the country club is closed that day, Spencer quickly becomes convinced that she has been stood up.   So, she does what any good stalker girlfriend would do, she heads to the country club, to catch him in a lie.  Except that, the jokes on her, because, HE’S WORKING AFTER ALL!

You’ve really gotta hand it to Spencer.  Rather than leave with her tail between her legs, she insists on sticking around to help Alex skewer shish kabobs.  She even wears a HAIR NET!  Now, if that’s not love, I don’t know what is . . .

Love means never having to get your hair in the mashed potatos.

And I have to say, despite a slight tiff involving a defaced photograph of Spencer hanging in the kitchen supply closet (someone who works there is apparently not a fan), these two made a mighty cute couple.   As the pair cooked and listened to the radio, an adorably booty shaking Alex (who has a really cute butt, by the way) commandeered Spencer to participate in a surprisingly spicy salsa dance.  And while it wasn’t quite enough to make me jump ship and switch to Team Alex, it WAS fun to watch . . .

At the end of the episode, two fairly important (and spooky) things happened:

(1) Creepy Toby’s Creepy Motorbike was found mangled in the woods.   He is now believed by authorities to be dead.  This prompted the Absent- for- NEARLY – An- ENTIRE Episode, A to, text the following message to Emily:  ‘Thank you for getting Toby out of the way for me;”

(2) That weird leather jacket-wearing, black-gloved person (who must be REALLY hot wearing all those layers, by the way, seeing as it always seems to be pretty sunny in the fictional town of Rosewood) retrieved Creepy Toby’s Creepy Sister F&*king Psych Evaluation from the lake.

So, there you have it.  “Homecoming Hangover” in a nutshell.  All in all, I thought it was a pretty solid, well acted, at times, even surprising, episode.  What did you think?

 

17 Comments

Filed under Pretty Little Liars

Why the heck weren’t MY high school dances this exciting? – A Recap of Pretty Little Liar’s “There’s No Place Like Homecoming”

Breaking and entering, destruction of chemistry labs, freaky gang-type tattoos, allusions to incest, creepo fortune tellers, and, quite possibly, a MURDER, all in a single hour?  I’ve got three words for you: Best.  Dance.  Ever.

Last week, I griped about the disappearance of one of my favorite characters on Pretty Little Liars.  Namely, THIS GUY . . .

Yep  . . . unfortunately, that adorable, drunky Brit, Wren, was missing YET AGAIN this week!  However, unlike last week, where I spent a good portion of the lackluster episode pining for his return, this episode pretty much rocked, IN SPITE of his absence.  Shocking, yet true . . .

(Which is not to say that I don’t want him back, ABC Family!  You BETTER bring him back!)

So, in the words of the inimitable Hanna, who, by the way, was my TOTAL hero and main source of comic relief, this week  . . .

(Who knew Queen Bee Former Fatties could be so funny . . . and likeable?) . . .

 “Let’s get this PARTY started!”

Confuscius say, “Who hijacked MY Fortune Cookie?”

In the darkest corners of human nature, there now lurks a NEW evil . . . and it is shaped like this . . .

When the episode opens, Spencer, Emily, and Hanna are in Aria’s bedroom staging an intervention.  We know that Aria is seriously depressed, because she is wearing a  . . . PONYTAIL!

She is also sporting . . . NON-NAME BRAND SWEAT PANTS . . . from LAST SEASON!

Clearly, this is an emergency of EPIC proportions.  To rescue their friend from the dark fathomless abyss of “dressing for comfort,” the girls arrive, armed with trashy gossip magazines and Chinese food.  What more could a girl possibly want?

Without too much effort on their part, the girls eventually manage to snap Aria out of her Mr. Fitz-shaped depression, and convince her to attend the upcoming Homecoming Dance.  With their “mission accomplished,” the girls quickly breakout the takeout and start to chow down.  Before even touching her food, Hanna heads for dessert (girl after my own heart). 

She eagerly rips open her fortune cookie, yanking out that familiarly tiny piece of paper that, to this day, is my FAVORITE part of eating Chinese food.  Unfortunately, Hanna’s cookie-sized “prediction for the future” isn’t anything positive like:  You will come upon great and unexpected riches.  Nor is it something funny like:  You will eat another fortune cookie.  Rather, it says THIS . . .

Lions and tigers and bitches, oh my!  There is no place like homecoming.  See you there, A!

A’s unexpected use of a Wizard of Oz reference in crafting this taunt, can only mean ONE thing.  SOMEONE in the writers’ room has clearly been reading my recaps, in which I generally enjoy comparing “Dead Ali” to the Wicked Witch of the West.

Then again . . . maybe not.

The rest of the girls quickly open their own fortune cookies.  Sure enough, each one bears the SAME cryptic message.  This development obviously begs the very important question of, “How did A get her message into cookies?”

Does she work at the Chinese Restaurant where the girls got their takeout food?  Did she simply order the Fortune Cookies premade online, and slip them into the girls’ takeout bag, at the last minute?  If the latter is true, how did A know that the girls would be ordering at the exact time they did?

I’m with you, Mr. Monkey!  I don’t get it, either.

Hanna Gets Sexercised

The next day, in what was, hands down, the episode’s funniest scene, Hanna attends an abstinence group meeting with her boyfriend, Sean.  During it, she is asked to participate in a “role-playing” exercise, in which she propositions a boy for sex, and he turns her down for Jesus.  The boy doing the rejecting in the skit is a new guy named Lucas.

 I liked Lucas instantly, if only because his nerdiness, and smart-mouthed defensive sarcasm, reminded me so much of the ever-awesome Seth Cohen from that show The O.C.  And you all know how I LOVE me some Seth Cohen!

Socially awkward and snarky, but loveable, high school nerds?  Meet your king!

“Come back to my bedroom,” monotones Hanna, looking bored as ever.

“I can’t do this,” replies Lucas.

“But you’re so hot,” deadpans Hanna.  (Her delivery of this line, in particular, WAS hysterical!  I only wish I had it on MP3, so that I can play it for myself, whenever I’m feeling down.)

“No, what I mean, is I can’t do this with YOU!” Lucas clarifies.

In a very sweet, and unusually honest moment for the show, Lucas explains how a guy of his social status could never even THINK of having the opportunity to have sex with a woman of Hanna’s caliber.  (Clearly, Lucas has never watched The O.C.)  “I have the physical strength of Screech . . .  keeping my virginity is pretty much a done deal for me,” he concluded.

I had to laugh when I heard the random “Screech” reference . . .

After all, the Lucas character is undoubtedly WAY too young to have watched Saved by the Bell, the sitcom that first featured the character (as are, I would imagine, a good percentage of Pretty Little Liars fans).  Heck, I was a little kid when the show first aired, and I am quite a ways away from high school.  Perhaps Lucas remembers Screech, or rather Dustin Diamond, the actor who played him, from Celebrity Fit Club.  

Or, maybe he found that awful sex tape starring the actor, online, while his parents were asleep in the next room.  Seeing THAT would be enought to make any kid want to stay abstinant FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES!  Then again, later on in the same episode, Lucas also made a Hans Solo reference . . .

. . . leading me to conclude that the character is actually a 40-year old, stuck in a 17-year old body. 

(BTW, the next time Hanna propositioned him for sex during role play, Lucas enthusiastically said, “Yes.”  Atta boy, Lucas!  Don’t let nasty sex tapes starring has-been 90’s stars get you down.)

Speaking of a character on this show who looks and acts too old to be in high school . . .

 . . . Hanna was so inspired by her sexercise, that she decided to play matchmaker for her dear friend Emily.  Having recently learned from A, via instant message, that Emily and middle-aged Maya occasionally enjoyed swapping spit with one another, Hanna more or less invites Maya to the dance on Emily’s behalf.  The problem, of course, is that Emily is already going with someone else .  . . Creepy Toby.

I love high school dances.  They always remind me of that old movie, Carrie.

More on Creepy Toby in a bit . . .

Spencer should really stick to what she does best (Hint:  It’s not dating.)

Having unceremoniously tossed aside, and completely forgotten, about the adorable Wren, as if the hottie was yesterday’s dirty underwear, Spencer is totally ready to head off to the Big Dance with Ball Boy Alex, when the episode begins.  The two share a surprisingly sexy scene together pre-dance, when Alex visits Spencer at school, so that the two could color coordinate their outfits.  (Color coordinate, huh?  OK.  Alex is clearly gay.)

When Alex offers to pay for the dance tickets, Spencer awkwardly explains that she has it taken care of.  “It’s just that you . . . work so hard for your money . . . I’d hate to see you waste it on something stupid like this.”

To Alex’s credit, rather than be offended by the obvious implications of that statement, he simply pulls Spencer into a steamy embrace.  “But I WANT to,” he insists.

He then deftly sticks a wad of cash in the pocket of Spencer’s jeans, like she’s a Vegas showgirl, who just gave him a lap dance.  (Way to stay classy, Ball Boy!)

That night, at the dance, Spencer is surprised (and by “surprised” I mean completely miserable) to see that her sister Melissa also in attendance.

Glory Days . . . They’ll pass you by, Glory Days .  . .

Apparently, it is customary for former Homecoming Queens to pass off the  crown to the next Queen Bee.  And this year, they conveniently chose the Homecoming Queen from the class of 2000, Melissa.  This is probably because she was the only former queen lame enough to show up. 

Wait a second . . . Class of 2000?  Did I mishear that? 

Wouldn’t that make Melissa (and Wren) like 12 or 13 years older than Spencer?  And what about that AP History paper Spencer stole off her sister’s laptop?  I could have sworn the date on it was 2004. 

Even if we give Melissa the benefit of the doubt, and say she WAS part of the Class of 2000, that would mean she wrote the AP History paper that Spencer stole, over a decade ago.  And yet, Melissa still remembers it well enough to recognize it as hers on the website where information regarding Spencer’s award is posted.  I seriously doubt I could recognize a paper I wrote my last year in college, let alone high school, especially ten years after the fact. 

Melissa must have superhuman memory.  A nice skill to have.  Too bad she’s such a raging bitch. 

“I heart the Russian Revolution.  I always really identified with that Stalin guy.”

When Spencer becomes too occupied with the mystery of A’s identity to truly show her date, Alex, a good time, Melissa uses it as an opportunity to plant the seeds of destruction in Alex’s mind about the genuine nature of Spencer’s romantic attraction to him.  “She’s just using your poor ass to make our parents mad,” Melissa explains, more or less.

The statement festers in Alex’s brain all evening, and eventually causes Alex to ditch Spencer’s ass at the dance, without even saying goodbye.  When Spencer confronts Melissa about her misdeeds, the latter explains matter-of-factly.  “I didn’t have to do much.  You screwed that one up all on your own.”

“Who, moi?”

And while I HATE to EVER agree with Evil Melissa, I have to admit she DOES have a point here . . .

But BEFORE all that happened, Spencer and Alex went to visit a fortune teller, who had a penchant for tarot card reading.  (Yeah, we didn’t have THOSE at my dances either.)  At first, it seemed like a typical reading.  The fortune teller droned on and on about a bad relationship, and not trusting people and blah, blah, blah.  The whole thing would have sucked if A didn’t swoop in to make it exciting.  “Say Bye, Bye to Your BFF,” she somehow managed to scrawl on one of the cards. 

Woah!  How did A do that?  Clearly A is a superhero with magical powers!

 . . . or should I say  . . . supervillain.

Awkward much?

As soon as Aria was assigned to help out at the “bean bag toss” table at the dance (which, apparently, had some sort of “carney theme” or whatever), you just knew she would somehow wind up working it with Ezra Fitz and his new uber dweeby haircut.

“I wanted something to match my pasty white legs.”

The two bicker a bit about whether Aria knows “A” and whether she told “A” about her relationship with Fitzy.  Eventually Aria gets frustrated and storms off.  Later, a jealous, Fitzy spies Aria dancing with Hanna’s beau, Sean.  Fitz looks PISSED!

Glory Days . . . They’ll pass you by, Glory Days . . .

To Fitzy’s credit,  when Aria confronted him in the hallway later that night, I really thought, Fitzy was going to say something d-baggy about her “moving on” so quickly.  Instead, he breaks into an honestly heartwarming (even to a TOTAL cynic like me) speech about how he wishes that he could give Aria a good time in the same way boys Aria’s own age could: taking her to movies, introducing her to friends, attending dances together, banging her in the gym locker room, etc.  Fitzy then admits to Aria he got his haircut to impress her, and my heart melted a bit. 

But I STILL hate that awful haircut . . .

Creepy Toby ALWAYS gets the girl (even if she is, technically, a relative)

No one much approved of Emily’s taking Creepy Toby to the Homecoming Dance.  In fact, the couple’s mere entrance into the auditorium causes the entire room to literally turn blue with fear.  (Seriously, what was with the weird lightning in this episode?   Half the dance scenes were lit like a live actions Smurfs movie!)

Which begs a very important question: which Pretty Little Liar would get to be Smurfette?

One of the reasons for the Pretty Little Liars being so “blue” about Emily dating Toby, was that they kind of /sort of thought he killed Ali / was “A.”  You see, apparently, Dweeby Toby found time out of his busy “being a psycho” schedule to get a really gnarly tattoo on his stomach (I thought you had to be 18 to do that.) 

The tattoo said “901 free at last.”  Apparently, the number is not his zip code, but rather the day that  .  . . wait for it . . . Ali disappeared.

To further complicate matters,  Hanna breaks into Jenna’s shrinks office.  (Oh yeah, she totally did that — because shop lifting, car theft/ destruction, and breaking and entering weren’t enough to quench future gangleader Hanna’s taste for crime.  She missed being crowned Homecoming Queen to do it too.)

I may look sweet and innocent, but I’m a totally bad ass MO FO!

Once there, she learns that Toby’s been sexing his stepsister, Blind Jenna . . .

. . . and was in town when Ali disappeared!

Back at the dance, Toby invites Emily to the chemistry lab “to talk.”  Things start out innocently enough, with Emily admitting to Toby that she may very well be a Big Ole Lessie.  But then they take a turn for the frightening, when Toby utters that one line EVERY heretofore mild-mannered serial killer says in movies, before he turns on you and literally eats your face off . . .

“We all have secrets, Emily!”

As if that wasn’t enough of a warning, Emily receives a text message at that moment from Hanna saying, “You’re with A’s killer now.”

Emily freaks out and backs away from Creepy Toby.  He lunges toward her.  Thinking fast, Emily knocks him into a glass cabinet in the chem lab, causing glass to shatter all around him.  Clearly Toby has the same superpowers as A (or IS actually A), because he recovers from the massive fall into glass in mere seconds, and chases Emily down the hallway.  She trips over something and falls . . .

But the final scene just MADE the episode for me.  In it, we see a sign that says, “Rosewood Population 3,488” (or something . . . I can’t really remember the exact number.   I just know it was pretty darn small).  Then, suddenly, a black jacketed hand sprays white spray paint over the final “8,” and uses black spray paint to change it to a “7.” 

The question is . . . who died?  And how does the vandal KNOW about it?

16 Comments

Filed under Pretty Little Liars