“Afraid of driving alone at night? Not sure what dangers may be in the store for you, just around the corner? Put an inflatable Creepy Toby in your back seat TODAY, and drive in ‘comfort’ TOMORROW!”
WOAH! Pretty Little Liars gave us quite the little twisty, turny Season Finale, didn’t they? And talk about piling on the potential suspects! At this point, ANYONE can be “A,” can’t they? Heck, I could be “A!” But I’m not . . . (or am I?).
In addition to keeping us guessing as to the identity of Ali’s killer, “Keep Your Friends Closer” also provided fans with a whole bunch of information about what (and WHO) Ali was doing, outside Spencer’s farm house, on the night she was murdered. But no matter how much information we learned, everything seemed to keep leading us back to THIS GUY . . .
. . . who I will hereinafter refer to as “Pedophile Ian.” (You’ll understand why, soon enough . . .)
So, without further adieu, LET THE HUNT (and the scavenging) BEGIN!
My Super Schmucky Sweet 16!
When the episode begins, the girls each receive invitations from Mona the A**hole to attend a party, in honor of her being born 16 years prior. (Perhaps, a Day of Mourning would be more appropriate?) The girls reluctantly accept the invitiations. However, (all except Hanna) plan on bailing on the b*tch. That is, until they get a text message that reads, “Camp Mona is a scavenger hunt, and I’m the prize. Come find me b*tches! – A”
GAME ON! Looks like our girls will be “glamping” after all. (Whatever the heck that means!)
“Mirror, Mirror, on the wall. Who’s the most annoying castmember of them all? IT’S ME!”
Later, Mona the A**hole (who had WAY TOO MUCH screentime this week, if you ask me) arrives at Hanna’s house begging for handouts. Apparently, having a spa party named after her wasn’t enough. This b*tch wants a fancy dinner too. Hanna tries to get out of it, because who the heck would want to spend time with this horrible troll she doesn’t have the money to pay for dinner. But Hanna’s mom, who has overheard the exchange and feels super guilty about all the sacrifices her daughter is making, due to the family’s precarious financial situation, spots Hanna the only $100 bill in her wallet.
“Don’t sweat it, honey! You can turn tricks to pay me back tomorrow!”
But when Hanna ends up canceling on Mona anyway, due to being stuck in the principal’s office (more on that later), her “Best Friend” turns on her completely, by (1) starting some rumor that Hanna got thin through liposuction; and (2) disinviting Hanna to her lame party. OH THE HUMANITY!
But I really had my heart set on getting BLOWN (dry . . . in the Blow Room, of course). . .
Now, about that liposuction rumor . . . Mona claims she got a text about it from “A.” Really? Because it doesn’t seem like Hanna ever told Mona about “A.” And if Mona doesn’t know who “A” is, why would she listen to “A” over Hanna? Unless of course, MONA IS “A?”
“Does this mean we don’t have to go this lame ass party?” Emily asks, hopefully, upon hearing about Hanna’s and Mona’s “messy breakup.”
But Hanna forces them to go, because she’s tired of “A’s” games, and she wants to “scavenge” her. Besides, Hanna plans on crashing Camp Mona, so that SHE can hunt for “A” too . . .
(Please take Lucas with you, please take Lucas with you, please take . . .)
Hanna DIDN’T take Lucas to the party, nor did she take my OTHER fave Pretty Little Liar man . . .
(Not like she even knows Wren to take HIM, but still!)
I can’t help but wonder, whether things would have ended up better for her, if she had brought company along . . .
Move over Deputy Douchey! You’ve Been Replaced (by the FBI . . .)
“So, I parade around your television screen half-naked, and THIS is the thanks I get! I’m FIRED? WTF!”
Once again, the Fabulous Four are called to the Principal’s office together, and once again, their meeting is “All About Ali.”
Apparently, in addition to terrorizing her classmates, reading the classics, and eating cute little puppies for lunch, Dead Ali was also quite the Child Porn Star, in her day!
Observe Ali’s expert “O” Face!
But Ali’s hottest video, was the one made on the day of her death (which I guess makes it Snuff Porn?). The video was sent to the Rosewood Police Department by an “Anonymous” party, the day before. And it was the receipt of this video that forced the local rent-a-cops to come to the conclusion that they were out of their league, and that bigger guns were needed. In the video, Ali is stripping out of a hideous green button-down sweater, and “making love” to the camera. “I know you wanna kiss me,” she says seductively to her audience.
Honestly, after seeing some of the places that mouth has been? No, not really . . .
The girls confirm that the yellow dress Ali is wearing in the video is the one she wore on the night of her disappearance. But the origins of that hideous green sweater remain a mystery. Emily also notes that the place where the video was filmed has been creatively named “Kissing Rock.” In return for this information, the FBI let the girls in on the fact that the still MIA Creepy Toby remains their primary murder suspect.
Later, a news broadcast on television informs the girls that a warrant has been issued for Creepy Toby’s arrest. Apparently, the jacket Ali was wearing in her Child Porn Flick was Toby’s and the blood on it matched his blood.
What? Does this mean Ali and Toby “Sister F*&ker” Cavanaugh were SECRET LOVERS?
How is that even possible? Well . . . I KNOW how it’s possible . . . but . . . you get my drift.
Pedo Ian Rides (Everyone) Again . . .
“Why do I get the feeling, I’ve been here before?”
Remember early in this season, when Spencer met her sister’s fabulous then-fiance, Wren, and the two hit it off like perfect soulmates . . .
. . . and started going at it like horny bunny rabbits?
(Well, I’m glad YOU do, because the writers of Pretty Little Liars certainly don’t seem to!)
But I digress . . . apparently, this wasn’t the FIRST time, Spencer swapped spit one of her sister’s men.
From a flashback scene, we learn that Melissa’s then-boyfriend, Ian, used to help Spencer with her “hockey swing” (insert sexual euphemism here), and sometimes ended up helping her with her TONGUE- SWING . . .
The costume and lighting designers did a very nice job making Troian look younger in this scene. Certainly closer to the 14 or 15 she was supposed to be in the flashback, than she is in real life. But that only made her tryst with the 20-something Ian character more disturbing.
Hence, the nickname, Pedophile Ian. (And don’t even get me started on his later romantic scenes with the ACTUAL 14-year old who plays, Ali, Sasha Pieterse . . .)
But if anything GOOD came from Pedo Ian’s unceremonious return to Rosewood, it was that it allowed Spencer to FINALLY attain forgiveness from her sister, Melissa, for singlehandedly ruining the latter’s upcoming nuptials . . .
Spencer even convinced Melissa to give Pedo Ian another chance, even though he had dumped her all those years prior. (Then again, considering what happened at the end of this episode, maybe that wasn’t such a good idea. But hey, if anyone can protect themselves from violent nutjobs, it’s Crazy Nanny Carrie from One Tree Hill!
Pedo Ian, consider yourself WARNED!
It’s EASY! Like taking MONEY from Little Old Ladies!
There’s a special place in Hell reserved for people who bilk Grandmas out of their live savings. And, from the looks of it Hanna’s mom is going there for sure! It all started when Hanna’s mom, Ashley, started falling behind on her bills, as a result of a difficult economy. Cutbacks were made in Ashley’s life, and in the life of her daughter. Fun Time in the Marin house was over. No more caviar in the fridge . . .
. . . no more douching . . .
or Deputy Douchey-ing . . .
No more inviting male prostitutes over for some “Afternoon Delight” . . .
In short, no more fun. Unfortunately, for Hanna’s mom, all that cutting back may have come too little to late, because she had become delinquent on her mortgage payments, and her house was about to be foreclosed upon.
But don’t you count out Ashley just yet! After all, she gave birth to Hanna, the best shoplifter in ALL of Rosewood!
Well . . . except for that one time, when she got caught . . .
But, let me tell you, solid shoplifting genes like that? They DON’T just appear out of nowhere. Those are a BIRTHRIGHT!
For those of you who were always left wondering where exactly it was that Hanna’s mom worked, we finally got that answer in tonight’s episode. She works at a bank. A bank where little old ladies, who have NO relatives, receive gobs of money from other dead little old ladies, and leave hundreds of thousands of dollars of cold hard cash in a safety deposit box (Perish the thought of putting it in an ACTUAL savings account!), which they only visit once a year, after which, they conveniently forget to take back the deposit box keys.
So, of course, with “no other options,” Hanna’s mom absconds with the cash. And she must work in a really bad neighborhood too! Because, as she is driving away, this told wackjob creeper asks her for a ride. Ashley firmly declines and guns it out of there like a Bat out of Hell. I mean, look at the guy . . . wouldn’t you?
F*cking a Stranger in the Bar Bathroom may earn you an STD, but it also makes for a fabulous POEM!
Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
I have Genital Warts,
and, now, SO DO YOU!
Poor Aria! Everytime she tries to get out from between Fitzy’s legs and begins to move on with her life, he pulls her back in.
“It’s my white, pasty stick legs! They’re utterly irresisitible.”
Early in the episode, Aria is standing by her locker, trying to plan a first date with her new sort-of beau, Bushy Eyebrows Noel . . .
Bushy’s brilliant idea? Stay at home and watch movies on TV. Seriously Romeo? For a FIRST date? How old exactly do you think Aria is, 85? Just because she DATES geriatrics, doesn’t mean she IS one! As the two continue on their BORING conversation, a book conveniently falls out of Aria’s locker. And, lo and behold, there is a note from “A” attached to it . . .
“Someone named A wants you to read page 22,” offers Noel, excitedly. “You should TOTALLY do it. Why not? Be SPONTANEOUS!” (Coincidentally, Noel’s idea of spontaneity is wearing black socks, instead of his usual white.)
Aria opens the book, which I presume is a school literary magazine, of some sort, to page 22. Turns out, there’s a poem on that page . . . written by, who else . . . Ezra Fitz.
The poem is called B26, which, if I recall, represents the song playing on the jukebox in the bar where Aria and Fitzy first met, and later screwed, in the bar bathroom. Ahhh, memories! Apparently, for Fitzy, those couple of minutes spent with his back up against a dirty mirror, cheap soap running down his pant leg, toilet paper on his shoe, banging the living daylights out of some jailbait, was the single most romantic moment of his ENTIRE LIFE! This was why he wrote a poem about it, and chose to publish it in the High School Literary Journal so everyone under the age of 18 could enjoy reading about his raunchy sexcapades.
When Aria reads the poem, she is absolutely infuriated by the mixed signals Fitzy has been sending her. She rushes to his classroom to confront him.
Aria reams Fitzy a new one for claiming not to want anything to do with her, and then drafting this porny love poem about her for the entire student body to read. Fitzy has very little to say in response. And when, Aria tells Fitzy, loudly and in no uncertain terms, that she is through with him, who walks in? THIS GUY . . .
It’s Bushy Eyebrows Noel! And while Mr. Excitement, didn’t seem at all suspicious as to why “A” was telling Aria to read her English teacher’s poem, he totally seems clued in to the situation now. And he looks PISSED! It looks like Aria’s phantom “Boyfriend from Iceland” just got a whole lot closer to home. To make matters worse, based on the portion of the conversation Noel heard, it totally seemed like Fitzy was making unwelcome advances toward Aria. Yep, Bushy Eyebrows is TOTALLY going to rat Fitzy out to the PoPo for being a Baby Lover . . .
Creepy Toby: Here TODAY, Gone to the Slammer, TOMORROW. . .
The FBI may be combing the town in search of Toby Cavanaugh, but apparently, they haven’t been looking in Emily’s car, because THAT’S where he is! I never quite understood why, in these “sneak into the person’s car and scare them” scenes, the guy or girl always seem to wait in the backseat. Because if it were me, I would be TOTALLY crouched down on the driver’s side. Then when he got into the car, I would grab his legs, and see how high I could get him to jump. A total missed opportunity if you ask me.
As it turns out, Creepy Toby is stalking Emily because he wants to tell her HIS side of the story, you know the one he never got to tell her at prom because he was too busy crashing into glass, and she was too busy, falling on her face and being knocked unconscious.
Emily takes Toby to a small secluded wooded area (REAL SMART, there girl! Because someone will SURELY hear you, if you scream THERE!). Toby then explains that Ali misunderstood his relationship with Blind Jenna. She saw the siblings BONING . . .
. . . and automatically assumed Blind Jenna was being raped. But according to Toby, these two are IN LOVE . . . and not a brotherly- sisterly love, either.
And, NO, in case you were wondering, the fact that these two AREN’T related by blood doesn’t help me feel better about this situation AT ALL!
In terms of Alison, Toby explains that he DID meet her in front of Spencer’s barnhouse the night she disappeared, but only to talk to her. And he gave her his sweater, to warm her up when she was cold. The last Toby saw Ali, according to him, was when she was getting into the car with “some old dude.” Despite telling Emily all this, Toby inexplicably would like to speak with her more, and tells her where he will be for next few hours, until he goes out on the lam again. And it is in this exact spot where the coppers pick him up and arrest him.
Now, as you know, I’ve never exactly been Creepy Toby’s biggest fan, but, based on what we’ve seen in this episode, I think we could all pretty safely assume that HE is neither “A” nor Ali’s killer. Therefore, you’ve got to feel bad for a guy who may very well have been wrongly accused. And for that reason, I offer this to YOU, Young Cavanaugh . . .
(Special thanks go out to Amy over at Imaginarymen for providing me with the inspiration for the FABULOUS tee!)
In Other News . . .
Emily’s dad returned home from Iraq, today . . .
But her mother mysteriously received an envelope containing Emily’s “tonguing Maya” photos . . .
And the look on her face upon reviewing them was none too pleased . . .
“I attended Camp Mona, and all I got were these damn skidmarks on my face!”
“Well, heck. At least I didn’t have to get BLOWN, like Aria and Emily!”
“Oh stuff it, Half-Dead Hanna! You WISH your hair was big enough to warrant its own zip code!”
Over at Mona’s self-indulgent bore of a birthday party (16-years old and no boys allowed? SERIOUSLY?) . . .
I’m thinking that the girl-to-guy ratio at this party might be a bit more Emily’s speed, than Aria and Slightly Slutty Spencer’s
. . . Spencer, Aria and Emily, begin receiving clues from “A” for their “scavenger hunt”. Their first hunch leads them to where they found Ali’s bracelet a few episodes back.
A’s not there. But a “Jenna” necklace is. (OK, so what’s the deal here? Does EVERYBODY get an ugly fabric bracelet with their name on it? Do I get one? Seriously, it’s like Ali bought stock in the Ugly Bracelet Company before she died . . .)
Next to the ugly “Jenna” bracelet is a note from “A” informing the girls that they are in the wrong place. (Well, DUH, A’s not here, so it HAS to be the wrong place!) Spencer, however, who is clearly a bit wiser than I am, recognizes the double-meaning inherent in the world “Wrong.” She ultimately determines that “A” is hiding in a place called “Wright’s Playground.” There, Spencer finds a heart etched into a tree saying “Alison loves Ian.”
Meanwhile, Aria gets a text from Fitzy, in which he says he needs to see her. He conveniently parks somewhere near Wright’s Playground (hmmmmm . . . interesting). Once Aria gets in the car, Fitzy tells her that he always loved her, and was looking for a job elsewhere so that he and she could be TOGETHER without fear of repercussion, NOT to run away from her, as Aria had initially suspected.
However, when Fitzy caught Aria flirting with Bushy Eyebrows, he thought the high school GUY might be more appropriate for a high school girl. Aria chastizes Fitzy for not recognizing the strength of her feelings for him. Then the two engage in an encore of their infamous “Car Makeout Scene” from a few episodes back.
In a truly creepy scene, we see a ghostly figure looming over the back of the car, as Aria and Fitzy go at it, oblivious to the SCARY THING behind them. Fortunately, that “thing” is not out to kill them, it is just out to leave a cute little love note on Fitzy’s car. “I SEE YOU,” the oh, so, mature “A” writes on the back of the car, using the condensation from the window as her (or his) canvas. Though genuinely frightening, the whole thing was also a bit cliche, and reminded me a bit too much of that very special scene from the film I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, where the killer took the same tired approach to scare its victims, as “A” did . . .
By this time, Hanna has successfully crashed the party . . .
She quickly locates Wright’s Playground, and hangs out nearby, waiting for something to happen. Something DOES! Hanna takes out her binoculars, and spies Aria and Fitzy making out inside the car. Then she sees SOMETHING ELSE, and that SOMETHING ELSE may be the key in figuring out who A is. It IS definitely the key for Hanna, who immediately texts Spencer that she knows “who A is.” But, as Hanna is walking toward the girls, to spread the news, she is HIT BY A CAR, AND KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS! She even stops BREATHING!
And where was Fitzy when all this was going down, you ask?
Who knows? Perhaps, he was writing poetry about girls who get hit by cars, and the boys who love them . . .
Sigh! Poor Lucas!
The rest of the Pretty Little Liars instantly gather around Hanna, screaming, crying, and calling for an ambulance. It was admittedly a highly emotional scene. I was very moved.
As the credits roll, we are treated to the final portion of Ali’s Child Porn Star video, the portion which its author had apparently excised from the copy he or she had sent it to the FBI. At the end of the video, Ali turns the camera around to face her boyfriend who is doing the videotaping, and that boyfriend is THIS GUY . . .
And, here, you thought I was kidding about the whole “pedophile” thing . . . 😉