OK. Confession Time! Before this episode aired, I had NEVER HEARD A JUSTIN BIEBER SONG. Not one . . . ever. I’m not sure why this is, exactly. But I strongly suspect it might have something to do with his hair. Simply put, it frightens me.
Yeah . . . remember that Chucky doll, they used to make all the horror movies about, back in the 90’s? (I’m not even going to post a picture of him here, because I plan on getting some sleep tonight. Thank you very much!) Well, Bieber’s hair . . . it kind of reminds me of that freaky doll.
So, when I heard Glee was doing a Bieber-themed episode, I was skeptical to say the least. “Would Justin himself be making an appearance?” I thought to myself. “Would I (gasp) have to stare at THE HAIR for AN HOUR?”
The answers to those questions ended up being “No” an “YES,” respectively. And while this wasn’t exactly my favorite Glee installment, it did offer some genuinely funny moments. It also gave me a minor appreciation for The Biebster. (His hair still scares me though . . . A LOT.)
Let’s take a Bieb-alicious look back, at “Comeback,” shall we?
Meet Sam . . . and Sam’s Hair
It’s officially been half a season, since Sam Evans first became a member of Glee club, and since Chord Overstreet joined the cast, as a series regular. Since then, the Glee writers haven given Sam a few solos, his own love interest, and more shirtless scenes than ANY CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW, including (unfortunately) Puck . . .
But what they haven’t really given him is much of a personality. And this week’s episode, while not going all the way, definitely took some strides toward remedying that oversight.
When the episode begins, we learn that, in the wake of her firework-inducing, mono-giving, makeout session with Finn (or, as I have taken to calling him, recently, Finndouche, Quinn has grown bored with Sam and his “mad choosing skills.”
Quinn openly scoffs at Sam’s suggestion that the pair go to “Color Me Mine” for Date Night. Now, as far as hot dates go, “Color Me Mine” probably falls somewhere between “McNugget Happy Meal at McDonalds” and “private jet to the Bahamas.” But we all know that PUCK got in Quinn’s pants, with nothing more than a few cheap beers, and some mildly kind words . . .
So, yeah, Sam, it’s safe to say that it’s not the POTTERY that’s to blame for your Dating Slump, it’s YOU! Or maybe it’s not Sam, so much as his TOTAL LACK OF BACKBONE. When Quinn tells Sam that she got mono, not from kissing Finn, but from giving him mouth-to-mouth when he CHOKED ON A GUMBALL (not the Heimlich, mind you, MOUTH-TO-MOUTH!) . . .
. . . and Sam pretends to believe it, out of fear of losing his Ho-bag Barbie of a girlfriend, we all can see our blonde friend is just a smidge lacking in the cajones department, if you catch my drift.
That may not have been a GUMBALL, Quinn was carrying in her mouth, in the earlier picture. Just sayin’.
But our Sam is optimistic! He believes he can do what it takes to win back Ho-bag Barbie! He’s ready to make . . . wait for it . . . a COMEBACK. And that comeback starts with combing his hair into a creepy sidepart, and singing to a bunch of 13-year olds at what was probably LAMEST BAT MITZVAH EVER!
Seeing as Sam’s foray into being a one-man Justin Bieber Cover Band was SO successful with the Training Bra Crowd, he decides to bring his talents to an audience that DOESN’T make him look like a total pedophile when he performs in front of the — namely, Glee club. So, off Sam heads to the front of the class to perform, Justin Bieber’s “Baby.” To be honest, I found I couldn’t pay much attention to the song itself, because I found Sam’s (Bieber-esque (?)) dance moves, which were somewhat of a cross between the Robot, a Monkey in Heat, and Every Bad Line Dance You’ve Ever Seen, so oddly mesmerizing . . .
Just . . . cant . . . look . . .away.
Sam’s Scandalously Bad Dancing clearly hypnotizes the Glee Girls too, because the minute he starts performing, they are suddenly fawning all over the guy, and clinging to him, like a bunch of wet rags. So, of course, Artie, Mike, and Puck want in on The Bieber Experience too. After all, all three guys have found themselves in a Post V-day slump. And they are in desperate need of some Bieb Street Cred to get back into their respective ladies’ panties.
(OK, this is where I cry B.S., MIKE CHANG! Last week, your girlfriend was so desperately in love with you, that the mere sight of you made her BURST INTO TEARS OF JOY. NOW, just a few weeks later, you honestly expect me to believe that she has become immune, not just to you, but to YOUR ABS too?)
Did I MISS the episode where Tina went blind?
Unlike the rest of the Glee boys, Finn has no interest in Bieberizing himself (at least, at first). After all, who needs Bieber Moves, when you’ve got Gassy Infant ones?
So, the rest of the Glee guys perform YET ANOTHER Bieber song for the Glee girls (and Schue). This time, it’s “Somebody to Love.” Again, the dance moves are bizarre (and, strangely enough, involve . . . chalk? Or maybe that was massive amounts of dandruff, the boys were playing with on stage? I couldn’t really be sure). But unlike with Sam’s first performance, this time, it wasn’t the dance moves that kept me from focusing on the music. It was Puck and his reappearing / disappearing “Bieber Head,” which seemed to switch places with his Mohawk, on and off, throughout the musical number.
Hairy Puck issue aside, the second performance was an especially big hit with Ho-Bag Barbie, Quinn, who IMMEDIATELY decides to dump Finn cold turkey, and go back to her now-Bieberized boyfriend, Sam. Unfortunately for Quinn, Santana has already dug her claws into that ridiculous mop top head. Pulling Sam aside, she forces him to admit that he knows about his girlfriend’s affair with Finn. She also “delicately” offers the Macauley Culkin double her “services”. “I wants on them Froggy Lips. And I wants on them NOW,” she coos . . .
Not surprisingly, Sam dumps Ho-Bag Barbie’s ass, ASAP. And in the character’s final scene, we watch him get “up close and personal” with Santana and “the two rambunctious twins that live on [her] ribcage.”
Personally, I CAN’T WAIT until she gives HIM Mono . . . or whatever Fun Variety Pack of STDs she is currently carrying
Sue-icide is Painless
Sam wasn’t the only Glee cast member in need of a comeback, this week. After her earth-shattering Cheerios cheerleading championship loss, which resulted in the Glee club getting ALL of the school’s extracurricular club money, Sue is SO depressed, that she actually tries to KILL HERSELF by OD-ing on Gummy vitamins! When that doesn’t work, she tries BEATING UP GLEE CLUB MEMBERS. (Can someone tell me how this woman is STILL A TEACHER?)
Emma, being the annoyingly GOOD person that she is, sympathizes with Sue’s plight, and really wants to help. So, she offers her the MOST AWESOME SELF-HELP PAMPHLET IN THE HISTORY OF SELF-HELP PAMPHLETS!
But when that doesn’t work, she flashes her
tits puppy dog eyes at Schue. And, this somehow convinces him to let Sue join Glee club.
WILL: If I do this for you, will you divorce Jesse from Full House, and have white-gloved, compulsively-clean, insanely boring sex with me in the Choir room?
So, of course, Sue uses this opportunity to try and sabatoge the Glee Club, using the oldest trick in the book: pit the members against one another. (Zzzzzzzz — Honestly, Sue, I expected something a little more creative from YOU!) And, so, Sue tells resident divas, and new found besties, Rachel and Mercedes, that each has said that the other has “no talent.” The result is a “Diva Off” to “Take Me or Leave Me” from the musical Rent.
It is also, by far, my favorite performance of the episode . . . which is weird for me, seeing as the pieces that come from musicals typically tend to be my least favorite on the show. (I guess I’m just “uncultured” like that.)
You can check out Rachel and Mercedes, and their fabulous DIVA OFF, right here:
As you may have noticed, Sue’s plan here fails MISERABLY. And the act of singing, which was initially meant to divide Rachel and Mercedes, actually ends up bringing them EVEN CLOSER . . .
Realizing what Sue tried to do to his Glee Kids, Will punishes her
and us with Intense Emotional Manipulation. Oh yes, boys and girls, we are off to sing “This Little Light of Mine” to sick kids at a hospital, or, as Sue calls it, the House of Sad. Thanks Glee! Because, I wasn’t feeling guilty enough about the cracks I made at the prepubescent Bieber’s expense (well, really just The Hair . . . and The Dancing) in this blog. You had to go and make me feel like an even crappier human being, by making me watch THIS!)
Sue’s journey to the House of Sad inspires her to lead the Glee kids in an “Anthem,” which just so happens to be the theme for the upcoming Reginonals Competition. She chooses “Sing” from My Chemical Romance. Now, I know some of your out there were deeply offended that Glee would have the GALL to cover a song by the admittedly fabulous MCR. But I, for one, was actually pretty happy with this performance. Then again, maybe that’s just because I like flannel . . . and furry hats.
Speaking of “Interesting” Fashion Choices . . .
Turns out, Lauren Zizes isn’t really all that good of a singer. But I am a BIG fan of the cheesetastic 80’s inspired outfit she wears, when she performs “I Know What Boys Like,” in front of the crowd, this week . . .
Additionally, I was a HUGE fan of Puck’s suggestion, as to how Lauren could combat her stage fright! As a result of that suggestion, during Lauren’s admittedly “Meh” musical number, we were treated to the teen’s view of what the Glee crew would look like in their underwear . . .
Aside from the obvious titillation of a shirtless Mike Chang, and SUPRISE, yet another shirtless Sam Evans shot, I’d have to say my FAVORITE underwear choices were a toss up between Finndouche and his Power Ranger Underoos, and Sue’s decidedly uncomfy Catwoman / S&M Mistress of the Darkness getup . . .
Will’s Cutoff Short Shorts (seen toward the left of this screencap) bring up the “rear” (No Pun Intended) for a close third.
In fact, my ONLY complaint, about Lauren’s undie choices, was THIS . . .
There is, most certainly, no way in HELL, that Puck sleeps with a SHIRT ON! Opportunity for Greatness = Wasted.
Oh, and then THIS happened, which frightened me . . .
All political correctness aside, you have to admit, that is one SCARY screencap! Also, is that a WEDDING RING on her finger?
In Other Fashion News . . .
“Being Cool” is apparently at the top of Rachel Berry’s “To Do” List, right above THESE ITEMS . . .
AVATAR on Ice Audition, ay? Now THAT would be a fantastic Glee episode!
So, Rachel pays Britney to dress like HER, so that the unpopular Diva can also become a “trendsetter” by association. How does one dress like Rachel Berry? By shopping the Sales Rack of Kids R’ Us, of course!
Rachel’s plan actually WORKS! And, within days, the entire female student body is rocking the “Sexy Librarian Chic,” look or whatever the heck Rachel calls it . . .
The problem is, however, that no one attributes the TREND to Rachel. Rather, they ASSUME the style came from Brittany herself. In fact, they openly mock Rachel for her inability to copy it correctly. (She wore a reindeer on her sweater, when she should have worn a carousel horse.)
“When people look at you, they don’t see your clothes. They see a cat getting its temperature taken . . . and then they hear it screaming,” Brittany helpfully offers, by way of explanation, as to why this anomaly has occurred.
Rachel gets shot down AGAIN this week, when she tries to convince her fellow Gleeks that they should not perform “Sing” at Regionals, because, while flannel and furry hats are cool, they are not cool ENOUGH to beat competitors, like Aural Intensity, the Warblers, and, of course, Vocal Adrenaline. Rachel thinks the group should instead write their own ORIGINAL music.
Though he doesn’t have the balls to stick up for Rachel in the Choir room, WHERE IT COUNTS, Finndouche, de-Douchifies himself long enough toward the end of the episode, to tell Rachel and her Minnie Mouse costume, that he believes she has what it takes to write an original song for Regionals, and, ultimately, convince the Glee kids to sing it at the competition.
“I think you are do for a COMEBACK into my pants,” Finn insists to his Ex, as he walks down the hallway, leaving Rachel to have a Mini-O at the mere notion that this cheating lame-o actually BELIEVES IN HER!
Yeah, I know this picture has nothing to do with what I just wrote. I just posted it here again, because I think it’s really funny. Also, Finndouche and I are in a fight . . . So, TAKE THAT, FINNDOUCHE!
All sarcasm aside, Sue announces, during the final moments of the episode, that she will now be acting as Glee coach for New Directions’ competitors, “Aural Intensity” . . .
(Yeah, because that’s not unrealistic at all! Sorry . . . sarcasm again!)
As a result, Sue will likely have THEM performing MCR’s “Sing,” considering it was her song choice, after all. Therefore, I’m thinking that Rachel’s dream to write her own music for the Regional competition is about to come true . . .
And that was “Comeback” in a nutshell. Did it give YOU the Bieber Fever, or would you prefer that it “GOback” where it came from?