Something is rotten in the state of Rosewood . . .
Spencer is neglecting her studies?
Paige is stepping out on Emily . . . with Caleb?
Hanna is going out to gay bars?
Fitzy’s a daddy?
Dead Ali might have been pregnant?
And yet none of these things are quite as shocking and horrifying as this image . . .
Be afraid, my Pretties . . . be very afraid. The world as we know it clearly has ended. Let’s review, shall we?
I Dream of Evil . . .
Poor Spencer . . . even her sex dreams end up being a Pain in the Neck . . .
Spencer’s episode-opening nightmare provides us viewers an interesting peak into the psyche of the tightest-wound of the Little Liar Crew. On one hand, she is unable to rid herself completely of her romantic (and sexual) feelings for Abs Toby. After all, he’s still her first true love, the man to whom she gave her virginity. And let us not forget THOSE ABS!
And yet, on the other hand, Spencer knows better than anyone how dangerous this person is . . . how evil and deceitful. He’s betrayed her in a way that is deeply personal, and unfathomably painful.
Is it any wonder that girlfriend is going a wee bit crazy, right now?
Speaking of coping with a Case of the Crazies . . .
Parental Guidance Suggested
For a show that usually seems to only feature parental units, when they are being creepy, suspicious, absentee or judgmental . . . (and sometimes all of the above)
. . . this week’s installment of PLL sure did seem to showcase a lot of (sort of) positive parent/child interaction. Like, for instance, Emily’s mom seemed appropriately concerned for her daughter’s mental and emotional help, when the latter got a package from the family of her girlfriend’s killer, which, oddly enough featured a bunch of personal cards and letters she wrote to the first dead love of her life, Ali.
“Can I offer you a hug? Or perhaps a cookie?”
Hanna’s mom offers to switch Hanna out of classes with Mona at school. This way, even if the latter continues to terrorize and try to kill her, at least it won’t bring down Hanna’s grades!
Way to have those priorities in order, Mommy Dearest!
Aria’s dad finally admits he’s been a super crappy parent to Aria . . . you know, by cheating on her mom, and asking her to lie about it . . . being aggressively manipulative toward her boyfriend . . . accusing her and her friends of trying to burn a teacher to death . . . leaving her home alone with his looney tunes girlfriend, who tried to poison and kill her . . . and, apparently, being too cheap to heat the house, when she was a baby?
But hey, admitting you suck is half the battle, right?
The Ali Diaries, Part 26
For a girl who literally thought she was too cool for school, Ali was quite the prolific writer, wasn’t she? I mean there are notebooks upon notebooks out their detailing every mean conversation she’s ever had with anyone at all!
Personally, I’m thinking Ali did all this writing in hopes that her life story would one day be made into a movie starring Kristen Stewart. But that’s just me . . .
At their regular morning Previously on Pretty Little Liars Meeting at the coffee shop, the girls (minus Spencer, who is already on the train to Crazy Town, and, therefore, cannot attend the meeting) pore over Ali’s most recent memoirs, which they find in an old Biology notebook, from Emily’s secret stash.
In the notebook, Ali talks to someone who isn’t Emily about some “beach hottie” from whom she was hiding . . . wait for it . . .a DEEP DARK SECRET . . .
But who could this elusive Beach Hottie be? Was it THIS GUY?
He certainly liked to Hang Out with Ali, back in the day . . . (Get it? Hang out? I guess you had to be there.)
Perhaps, it was that guy who randomly taught her how to fly a plane in one episode? Or maybe it was Aria’s dad?
One person it definitely not was Abs Toby. Why? Because he spent that summer in juvie, dressed up like a weird shirtless pirate, or the maid from an old seventies sitcom . . .
“For your information, I happen to be playing Smee in the juvenile detention of Peter Pan.”
“Raise the Roof, Dawg!”
We learn about Ali’s unceremonious visit to Jailhouse Toby, in which she accused him of writing her “A” letters (He denied it, of course), via flashback. And yet, part of me kind of wished we got to read about it in Ali’s diary instead. Because, let’s face it, we all know Ali would have had some hilarious things to say about the pair of women’s pantyhose he chose to wear on his head, while he was speaking to her . . .
In the school potty room, Emily tries to re-awaken Spencer’s recently dormant sleuthing gene, by showing her Ali’s Diary-Masquerading-as-a-Biology-Notebook. But Spencer’s not having it, AT ALL. In fact, she implies that Ali was a Big Fat Ho, who probably deserved whatever “Beach Hottie” dished out at her expense, whoever the f*&k he was . . .
Emily’s a bit horrified by this newer, darker, Spencer. In fact, I think a part of her is a bit relieved when her friend finally breaks down and cries, admitting that she and Toby broke up.
“Phew,” Emily thinks to herself. “You’re just depressed. For a second there I was worried that you were going to give up dedicating your whole life to solving the two-year old murder of the girl who treated us all like crap . . .”
Speaking of people who are now dedicating their lives to a dead girl . . . and a Crazy Mona . .
Well that’s one mystery solved . . .
“WHAT DID YOU SAY, CALEB . . . HANNA’S BOYFRIEND? YOU WANT ME TO MEET YOU AT A GAY BAR . . . AND NOT TELL HANNA. OK! WHAT? NO, I’M NOT INTENTIONALLY TALKING LOUD, SO HANNA COULD HEAR ME. WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?”
So, remember that time when someone put a yummy cow’s brain in Mona’s locker?
And most people thought either (1) Lucas did it, (2) Mona did it to herself, or (3) that random kid who’s bike Toby sabotaged did it?
Well, it turns out, the answer was “D, none of the above.” Caleb was the culprit!
It makes sense, when you think about it. After all, didn’t the guy LIVE at the school for a few months, back when he was homeless and broke . . .
before he found out he had a magically rich mom? Of course, he’d manage to obtain access to the keys to any rooms containing edible stuff! Boy’s gotta eat, right?
Then again, it’s also possible that he killed the cow with his bare hands, before giving it a lobotomy, and shoving his handiwork in the most evil A team member’s locker . . .
Just a thought.
Anywhoo, Hanna overhears Paige’s end of her conversation with Caleb, and decides to do a little late night sleuthing of her own, to see what her boyfriend and Emily’s girlfriend are plotting.
This is Spencer’s brain on The Crucible
“I want to eat that kid’s brain, and crush his skull with my fingernails.”
Given her already emotionally volatile state, perhaps Arthur Miller’s The Crucible . . . a story about a group of women, who are accused of witchcraft, and ultimately burned at the stake . . . all because of one evil b*tch, and her team of sycophants, wasn’t the best book for her to read. Spencer totally flips out in English class! Then, she storms out of the room, as a horrified Ella Montgomery stares after her in confusion.
“Was it something I made you read?”
Speaking of bad messages, Spencer gets a text on her phone, supposedly from Aria, which claims that Fitzy broke up with her, because she finally told him he had a love child with the girl from the show Alex Mack . . .
“Our baby will be magical, and have the ability to turn into green goo.”
Girlfriend is HOPPING MAD on Aria’s behalf. And so, without a second thought, Spencer rushes off to find Fitzy at a random picnic table behind the high school. Though, honestly, I’m not quite sure why he’s there. Having an important conversation with a squirrel, perhaps?
Spencer REALLY let’s Fitzy have it for doing Aria dirty. And it’s a really powerful moment. I mean, wouldn’t we all like to have a loyal friend like Spencer to tell off our ex boyfriends in situations like this?
Except, there’s one problem . . . Fitzy never dumped Aria . . . because he didn’t know she was keeping his lovechild a secret from him . . . until now . . .
Way to let the illegitimate bastard child out of the bag, Spencer . . .
Speaking of uncomfortable encounters, Fitzy just wanders right into the cafeteria while Aria is eating lunch. (Is there NO security at this school at all?), and asks her point blank IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL, if he has a kid.
ARIA: “What? You actually believed that? Oh that Spencer, she is such a kidder. April Fools . . . in February!”
Now, whatever your personal feelings about Ezria, you have to credit where credit is due. Fitzy handled this whole thing surprisingly well, under the circumstances. Though he expresses disappointment with Aria for not being honest with him, he ultimately doesn’t actually break up with her over her truth withholding. By the conclusion of the episode, he’s accepted responsibility for what’s happened, confronted the mother of his child, and agreed to go see his son, and possibly take part in his life.
Who would have thought I guy with a penchant for dating teenagers could end up being such an adult, himself? What can I say? I’m proud of you, EzzyBoo!
Speaking of pride . . . well . . . gay pride . . .
Hanna’s Surprise Foray into Lesbianism
When Hanna follows Paige to what she believes is the secret Anti-A Lair she shares with Caleb, imagine her surprise when she finds Paige hitting on that chick from the PLL web series. Ducking to avoid being spotted by Paige, Hanna inadvertently finds herself close dancing with this chick, who bought her one of the “pink drinks” (sex euphemism?) earlier in the hour.
Emily would be so proud of her bestie / former roommate!
At least until the part where Hanna gets into a bar brawl with the girlfriend of her Pink Drink Purchaser!
“You B*TCH! Now, I’ll never get to find out what a ‘pink drink’ tastes like!”
Maybe Hanna wouldn’t make for such a good lesbian, after all. Off to the pokey you go, girl! But not to worry! Emily is waiting for you there . . .
Beach Hottie = Deputy Douchey?
“You again? Don’t you ever leave?”
Thanks to a conveniently placed picture in the cryptic Biology notebook, Emily learns that Ali’s secret penpal was none other than Snake Murderer Cece!
Upon visiting That Other Blonde, Emily learns that Ali was possibly PREGNANT . . .
. . . Beach Hottie was the possible father . . .
. . . and he may have killed Ali, rather than let her reveal the secret!
Now, that’s some pretty big gossip! But it’s nothing compared to what the girls find out, when Emily goes to turn over the information to Deputy Douchey and the rest of squad of Keystone Cops. Get this, Deputy Douchey spent the summer at Cape May with Ali and Cece.
Could Deputy Douchey be the Beach Hottie?
Here’s a better question. Doesn’t ANYONE on this show (aside from Caleb . . . and Emily) date females their own age?
In other news, Spencer sort of / kind of tells Aria she deserved to be ratted out to Fitz, regarding the whole secret love child thing . . .
Then, the “Smartest” Little Liar further cements her shame spiral by . . . EATING A TV DINNER . . .
. . . having a good old-fashioned Ugly Car Cry . . .
. . . and meeting some creepy older dude in a diner / giving him Toby’s key?
Oh dear! It looks like someone is in serious need of a friend-tervention! Where are those girls from Glee, when you need them, right?
Next week on Pretty Little Liars, Emily gets hypnotized and goes after Dead Ali with a shovel? More importantly, I find out where I can buy myself a Hanna Marin Bobble Head, like the one the Girl in the Red Jacket blow torched at the end of the episode. Come on! Don’t pretend you don’t want one!
Until next time, my Pretties!