The post where I pretend to have a Twitter Account, and help Jimmy Fallon host the Emmys

 

As you probably already know, the 62nd Annual Primetime Emmy Awards will be airing live this Sunday night (August 29th), at 8 p.m on N.B.C., with Jimmy Fallon acting as host.  What you may NOT know, is that YOU have the opportunity to write some of his jokes!  And who do we have to thank for this groundbreaking opportunity?  Why, Twitter, of course!

You see, unlike during other Emmy specials — where you spend half the time cringing at the lame one-liners the hosts come up with to introduce the show’s various celebrity award presenters — this year, you get to write them, YOURSELF!

Here’s how it works.  When you click on this website, you will be directed to a list of all of the presenters for this year’s Emmy awards.  Do you have something funny, amusing or poignant to say about a particular celebrity?  Do you have an existing Twitter account?  If you have answered “Yes” to both questions, simply click on your favorite actor or actress’s name, and you will be directed to a place where you can tweet about them to Jimmy Fallon and his writing staff. 

If Jimmy and his staff like what you wrote, there’s a chance Mr. Fallon will read it LIVE ON TV (giving full credit to YOU and your creative Twitter handle, of course)!  You can tweet to Jimmy throughout the Emmy Broadcast (or, at least until your choice presenter has presented).  Pretty cool right?

Well . . . here’s the problem.  I don’t have a Twitter account . . .

 . . . and I don’t plan on opening one just for this contest, cool as it may be.  So, here’s what I decided to do.  I’ve written a Twitter-sized Emmy intro for EACH of the presenters.  You can read them.  If any of them don’t make you groan or roll your eyes, feel free to tweet them to Jimmy Fallon.  If you do that, and throw at least partial credit to “KJewls” or “TV Recappers Anonymous,” I will be your best friend for life! 

If not . . . well, at least I tried. 

So, without further adieu, my Emmy presenter introductions:

1) Ann Margret

You might remember her from classic films like Bye, Bye Birdie, The Cincinatti Kid, and Viva Las Vegas.  But what really stands out in my mind is her brilliant performance in The Santa Clause 3.  It’s Ann Margret!

2) Anna Paquin

On HBO’s True Blood, she plays the coolest fairy to ever date a boy that doesn’t age, since Tinkerbell.  It’s Anna Paquin!

3) Alexander Skarsgard

Bite into America’s favorite Swedish meatball  . . . It’s Alexander Skarsgard!

4) Betty White

Before Twilight, or True Blood, or The Vampire Diaries, before the wheel was invented, America’s first true vampire was a Golden Girl.  Please welcome the immortal, Betty White.

5) Blair Underwood

Barak Obama was busy tonight, so we got the next best thing.  Set to play the President of the United States, in the upcoming NBC Drama Series, The Event , it’s Blair Underwood!

6) Boris Kodjoe

He’s sexy.  He’s bald.  He’s black.  He’s beautiful.  I’d do him.  Everybody welcome, Boris Kodjoe!

7) Christopher Meloni

Question:  If Detective Elliot Stabler from Law and Order SVU fought convicted murderer, Chris Keller, from Oz, who do you think would win?  Only this guy knows . . . It’s Christopher Meloni.

8 ) Claire Danes

When Jordan Catalano broke up with Angela Chase, I cried.  When Beth died in the Little Women movie, I cried.  When Juliet died in the Romeo and Juliet movie, I cried.  Stop making me blubber like a baby, Claire Danes!

9) Edie Falco

Last night I had this dream that Carmela Soprano was getting high in the on-call room with Nurse Jackie.  Thanks for the memories, Edie Falco!

10) Emily Deschanel

If this lovely lady is leaning over you and stroking your face, it probably means you’re dead!  She plays Temperance Brennan on Bones.  It’s Emily Deschanel!

11) Eva Longoria Parker

Though perhaps best known  for playing the delectable Gabrielle Solis on Desperate Housewives, our next guest REALLY won my heart as Flight Attendant 3 on Beverly Hill, 90210.  It’s Eva Longoria Parker!

12) Gugu Mbatha Raw

She bears the distinction of having the hardest name to pronounce in Emmy history.  Dr. Who is she?  It’s Gugu Mbatha Raw!

13) January Jones

We can’t really blame Betty for dumping Don Draper on Mad Men.  Her people are Nordic.  It’s January Jones!

14) Jeff Probst

He’s been on Survivor for TEN YEARS, and NEVER once been voted off the island.  Everybody welcome, Jeff Probst!

15) Jim Parsons

In order to invite Dr. Sheldon Cooper to present this award, we had to disinvite Leonard Nimoy and Stan Lee.  They both have restraining orders against him.  Sorry guys!  It’s Jim Parsons!

16) Joel McHale

Joel McHale is the nicest, smartest, hottest, and most wonderful man on the planet.  Shh, I’m only saying this, because I don’t want him to make fun of me on The Soup.  It’s Joel McHale.

17) John Krasinski

For our next presenter, we wanted to get the hottest paper salesman at Dunder Mifflin.  But Dwight Schrute was unavailable, so we settled for Jim Halpert.  Everybody welcome, John Krasinski!

18 ) John Lithgow

What is this world coming to? The world is at war, the economy is a mess, and the dad from Harry and the Hendersons is a serial killer!  Say hello the Evil John Lithgow!

19) Jon Hamm

The Dapper Don Draper is here.  An attendant will be stopping by to retrieve all the panties that just dropped on the floor.  Everybody welcome, Jon Hamm!

20) Julianna Margulies

Women scorned by slutty manwhore hubbies the world over, can take a page out of this lady’s book.  She plays Alicia Florick on The Good Wife.  It’s Julianna Margulies.

21) Keri Russell

Please give a big round of applause for the gal who played Felicity Porter . . . or she might cut her hair again.  Ladies and gentleman, Keri Russell!

22) Lauren Graham

She went from playing the fast talking, coffee swigging Lorelai Gilmore, to the bartending, teacher smooching, Sarah Braverman.  It’s everybody’s favorite MILF, Lauren Graham!

23) Laurence Fishburne

Our next presenter is the only guy who could possibly explain The Matrix movies to me.  It’s Laurence Fishburne!

24) L.L. Cool J.

Someone tweeted me this really funny L.L. Cool J. joke.  But when I told him about it, his mama said knock me out.  Please don’t hurt me, L.L. Cool J!

25) Mariska Hargitay

This next presenter could totally kick my ass.  She plays Dr. Olivia Benson on Law and Order:  SVU.  It’s Mariska Hargitay!

26) Matthew Morrison

On Glee, he plays Will Schuester, a teacher who can Bust a Move, Alone, Like a  Gold Digger, Somewhere Over the Rainbow.  He also looks great in a thong.  It’s Matthew Morrison!

27) Matthew Perry

He’s the Friend who got it on with Courtney Cox BEFORE David Arquette.  Could he BE any luckier?  It’s Matthew Perry!

28) Maura Tierney

Nurse Jackie learned everything she knows about addiction from this next presenter.  She played Dr. Abby Lockhart on ER.  It’s Maura Tierney!

29) Nathan Fillion

I had this great idea for a mystery novel.  So, I tweeted it to Rick Castle.  Then I realized he’s not a real person.  Thanks a lot, Nathan Fillion!

30) Neil Patrick Harris

If Barney Stinson gave relationship advice to Doogie Howser, M.D.  and Dr. Horrible, they’d all look a bit like this guy.  Please don’t steal my job, Neil Patrick Harris!

31) Ricky Gervais

When I made that comment about Dwight Schrute being the hottest paper salesman at Dunder Mifflin, I really offended this guy.  Everybody welcome, Ricky Gervais!

32) Sofia Vergara

I’ll admit, I don’t always understand what she’s saying on Modern Family.  But it always sounds beautiful.  It’s Sofia Vergara!

33) Stephen Colbert

I’m proud to present the next President of the United States, Stephen Colbert!

34) Stephen Moyer

He’s the only person in the world who can make the name “Sookie” sound like a sex act. It’s Stephen Moyer!

35) Ted Danson

This man needs no introduction, because he only goes where “everybody knows his name.”  It’s . . . shoot  .  . . what’s that guy’s name again?  Oh yeah!  Ted Danson!

36) Tina Fey

She’s a writer, producer, actress, and an Emmy and Golden Globe winner.  Thanks for making us all look stupid and lazy, Tina Fey!

37) Tom Selleck

I’m so excited about this next guest.  He’s been such a role model for me throughout his distinguished career.  Everybody, put your hands together for Tom Selleck’s MUSTACHE  . . . oh, and Tom Selleck too, I guess.

38) Will Arnett

Our next presenter is perhaps best known for his role as magician GOB Bluth on Arrested Development.  Well, if you’re such a great magician GOB, why don’t you make your show reappear!  It’s Will Arnett!

There you have it, 38 celebrity Emmy presenters, and 38 introductions for Jimmy Fallon.  I sure hope he appreciates it!  See you at the Emmys!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Tell Me How to Get to Sesame Street – Celebrity Edition

Question: How does a blogger go from writing a post about the “Top Ten R-Rated Robert De Niro Moments” to writing a post about “Sesame Street”?

Answer: YouTube

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been suffering from a bit of “writer’s block” lately (blogger’s block?).  You see, in case you haven’t noticed, this website is called “TV Recappers Anonymous.”  And since most of the shows I love to recap have either wrapped up for the season (Gossip Girl, Lost, The Vampire Diaries, Grey’s Anatomy, Big Love) or won’t start airing for at least a couple of weeks (True Blood, Entourage, Mad Men), I find myself at kind of a loss for “write-about-able” topics.

So, tonight, I initially planned to do this blog post that I’d been planning for a while, but had just never got around to writing.  In it, I would select the most raunchy, f-bomb laden YouTube clips from Robert De Niro films, and post them here for your viewing pleasure.  (Because nothing says “funny” like a potty mouth Robert De Niro threatening to perform random acts of violence on your tushy . . .)

“You talkin’ to me?  Because I’m the only one here . . .”

So, being the “super creative” gal that I am, I headed to www.youtube.com and typed in the words “Robert De Niro.”  And, to my surprise, the FIRST video that popped up was this one . . .

Thanks bazblack!

You gotta love Elmo!  De Niro basically offers to do Taxi Driver and Raging Bull impersonations for him, and he chooses . . .  the cabbage.

“Great source of riboflavin!”

Oh, and the “twist” ending?   With the TWO Elmos?  That was pretty much the most disturbing thing I’ve seen De Niro do, since that movie Hide and Seek . . .

Unintentional creepiness factor aside, this clip got me to wondering about what other celebrities might have recently made guest appearances on Sesame Street.  Here were some of the more amusing ones I found . . .

(Thanks to SesameStreet for posting these!)

Ricky Gervais

If I am ever having trouble sleeping, remind me NEVER to call this guy . . .

As I was watching this, part of me kept waiting for the rest of the cast of the UK version of The Office to pop out from behind Elmo’s bed and start conversing with the camera, documentary-style.

Jake Gyllenhaal

This is the first time in my entire life, I can honestly say that I have ever been envious of an octopus . . .

I guess there’s a first time for everything!

Paul Rudd

If ever an actor was MADE for celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street, it’s Paul Rudd.  He’s just a BIG goofy kid all the time!  I heart him!

“By the way, does this Earth make me look fat?”

Matthew Fox

After watching this clip, I’m pretty sure Matthew Fox wins the award for Celebrity Most Uncomfortable with Being on Sesame Street . . . That being said, this clip was trippy enough to be a Flash Sideways on Lost . . .

Picture this. Dr. Jack Shepard opens his father’s casket in the Season Finale . . . and his Dad’s bones start TALKING TO HIM!  Oh, and Elmo would TOTALLY be the new Man in Black . . . or Red . . . or whatever.

Sarah Jessica Parker

In this fun clip, Sarah Jessica Parker is waiting for “Big.”

And, in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, “Super Grover couldn’t help but wonder, how BIG is Big?”  (Yeah, it actually gets THAT risque.)  Like that first clip with De Niro, this one also has a “twist ending.”  See if you can guess what it is . . .

Neil Patrick Harris

Those of you who watched the episode of Glee in which he appeared as guest star, know that Neil Patrick Harris can sing.  What you might not know is that he also enjoys wearing way-too-small-for-his-body white wings and has a shoe fetish .  . . 

So, there you have it, seven surprisingly adult-themed celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street.  Now aren’t you glad I didn’t end up doing that post on De Niro?  I’ll probably end up writing it tomorrow. 🙂

Glee’s “Safety Dance” a.k.a. Why Dancing in Malls is COOL!

I have to say, after a few lackluster episodes, it was really nice to see one of my favorite new shows of this year, Glee, back on its game this week.  As far as I’m concerned, the high quality of  the recently aired “Dream On” episode, can mainly be attributed to three things.  Or, perhaps, I should say, three people.

First, Joss Whedon, who directed the episode.

Who would have thought the guy who taught Buffy Summers how to pound stakes into vampires’ hearts, was also so adept at choreographing musical numbers?  Then again, didn’t Buffy the Vampire Slayer have a musical episode, once?  I actually think the episode was called “Once More with Feeling.”  (I tried to find a video of it to show you.  But when I looked on YouTube, all I found were a bunch of bad fan videos and high school musical productions.  So, you’ll just have to take my word for it . . .)

Second, Neil Patrick Harris, who acted, danced, and SANG in it.

Third, and, most importantly, for purposes of this post at least, Harry Connick Jr.- lookalike, Kevin McHale, who plays the loveable, wheelchair-bound, Artie Abrams on the show.  This kid is just plain AWESOME, and can do no wrong, as far as I’m concerned!

In the first half of the season, Kevin’s character, Artie, updated the Billy Idol song, Dancing with Myself, giving it a unique jazzy, blues-esque, feel.  This week, he updated yet another 80’s classic, namely Men Without Hats’  Safety Dance. 

In doing so, he proved to the world that just because you are confined to a wheelchair for the rest of your life, doesn’t mean you can’t dance.  (OK . . . actually . . . maybe it does . . . but the episode was all about “dreams.”  So, cut the kid some slack, all right?) 

Words can’t express how much I LOVE the video you are about to see, particularly because it takes place in a MALL.  You see, I’m a Jersey Girl.  So, malls?  They are kind of my thing . . .

(Special thanks to Msikklegunn2, for posting this.)

Speaking of dancing in malls . . . while I was watching the Glee video, I couldn’t help but be reminded of another music video that featured, “Random Mall Dancing.”  Do any of you guys out there rememeber that bizarre, but oddly compelling, music video for Fatboy Slim’s Praise You?  Please allow me to refresh your memory . . .

(Thanks for allowing embedding, toxicblast!)

(I actually think that “dance group” performed in my mall, once . . .)

While on my “mall kick,” I took it upon myself to research what the ORIGINAL music video for Safety Dance actually looked like.  I thought to myself, “I bet this video took place in a mall, too!  After all, the song was written in the ’80s.  And ’80s teens LOVED their malls.  I saw Fast Times at Ridgemont High!  I know how it is!”

 Unfortunately, I was wrong . . .  There were most certainly NO malls in the original Safety Dance video.  Instead, the whole thing kind of made me feel like I was watching a deleted scene from Lord of the Rings.  And I REALLY didn’t like Lord of the Rings . . .

They look mad at me.  Do you think they are mad?  Hopefully, this video will make them feel better . . .

(Video posted by falecomoeditor.  Thank you!)

Give me mall-dancing and Artie, over a medieval-looking village and skipping hobbits, any day!  Well played, Glee!