“Hey, there Crazy Cop Guy! Long time, no see! Hey, remember that one time when you were 10, and I ate your dad? Haha, GOOD TIMES!”
(Ummm . . . yeah . . . so this recap . . . is ridiculously late. Sorry about that! Consider it a “Refresher Course” to prepare you for tomorrow night’s episode!)
With Friends Like These . . .
This past week’s episode dealt with the various ways in which one’s past can come back to haunt him, in ways he may never have expected. It all started with Social Butterfly Aidan wanting to expand his Social Network. After all, the dude had been on the planet for centuries, and STILL, his only Facebook Friends are Bishop and his motley crew of Evil Blood Suckers . . .
Bishops “Likes” include: Vampire Recruitment, Compelling waitresses to give you free food, Grave Robbing, and World Domination
. . . Shut-in Sally, who’s Status Updates are always the same. (ex. “I miss Danny.” “Gee, I wonder Danny still thinks about me.” “Do you think I can have Hot Ghost Sex with Danny some day?”)
“Blah, blah, blah DANNY, blah, blah, blah SAD, blah, blah, blah, I LOVED HIM,” *sniff, pout, cry, repeat*
. . .and Josh, who once a month, leaves embarassing, and incoherent ramblings on Aidan’s “Wall” . . .
EXAMPLE: Grrrrroworororor Nom, Nom, Nom, Tasty Bunny, GRRRRRRR, Yummy Deer, GRRRR
So, Aidan has this great idea to start a Neighborhood Watch. (You know . . . to protect the community from scary things that could really hurt them . . . like vampires, werewolves, and ghosts.) Inherent irony of the situation notwithstanding . . . seriously? THAT was Aidan’s grand plan to make Cool New Pals? Was it Aidan’s INTENTION to collect the lamest group of friends EVER? Because, really, how many “cool people” do you know who participate in the Neighborhood Watch?
Oh yeah . . . Granny over here looks like just the person I’d want protecting the streets from evil, while I sleep.
Seriously though, if Aidan and Josh REALLY wanted to start a social circle including a group of their peers, wouldn’t it have made more sense to start a Twilight book club?
Bella, Edward, and the rest of the Cullens “Like” this . . .
Most notable among the Neighborhood Watch attendees are . . . Josh’s Mini Me
. . . some chick who looks like Daria Morgendorffer from that old MTV cartoon . . .
Man, I miss that show!
. . . Danny . . . who, of course, leaves right away, after seeing how LAME this party is . . . (
Not that Danny isn’t ALSO lame, because he totally is!)
“Is this the Star Trek Fan Club meeting?”
. . . and this Creepy Cop Guy with Mountain Man Facial Hair, who keeps staring intently at Aidan, like he wants to make out with him . . .
“Oooh, he must work out! I wonder if he has a Cop Fetish . . . or a thing for Guy’s with Beards . . .”
Aidan and Josh Try to Pimp Out Sally . . .
The next morning, the three roomies are hanging out in the bathroom, discussing how Sally might not be nearly so uptight and annoying, if she got laid every once in a while. So, Aidan and Josh decide to set Sally up with a ghost that Aidan met while working at the hospital. His name is Tony. But I would prefer to refer to him as the Ghost of Eighties Past . . .
At first, Sally is not down with boinking this Hair Band Reject. She likes her men more boring, soft-spoken, and effeminate. You know . . . like Danny. But then, through some scientific miracle that I can’t even begin to explain, Ghost of Eighties Past is able to SHAKE SALLY’S HAND (
and, from the looks and sound of it, give her a MAJOR GHOST ORGASM!) . . .
I hope he washed his hands, first!
Suddenly, Sally is totally down for “playing” with the Ghost of Eighties Past. Things get even MORE exciting, when he tells her that she is not stuck in the house forever, as she previously thought. (Oh, thank the LORD! I couldn’t take much more of that!) You see, Sally doesn’t have a corporeal form like you and me. And, for that reason, she can go anywhere she wants, just by using her MIND!
This, of course, THRILLS Sally to no end. And, knowing that she can go anywhere, I bet you will never guess where she decides to go first?
Yeah . . . right back to the bathroom, where she was two seconds ago! (Girl’s got the imagination of a peanut!) After everyone’s peed and pooped, Sally decides to go downstairs and bother Josh, who is watching TV with his new friends Mini Me, and Daria Morgendorffer. The problem is, only JOSH can see her, which basically makes him look like a TOTAL lunatic, in front of his new pals . . .
The Awkward Moment when you are watching TV with your pals, and a weird Ghost Chick sits on your lap, and starts talking to you about flying . . .
Finally, Josh and the Ghost of Eighties Past manage to convince Sally to get the HELL out of the house. And so she does . . . and by out, I mean RIGHT OUTSIDE HER DOOR. (I lied. Peanuts are WAY more imaginative than Sally . . .)
Sally is so VERY proud of herself for moving an extra two inches, that she begins dancing around in circles like a five-year old. Ghost of Eighties Past, of course, sees this as a BRILLIANT opportunity to get into her sweatpants . . .
I mean that literally, of course, “Tony’s” bottom half ACTUALLY intertwines with, and becomes part of, Sally’s. It’s kind of gross, actually. Sally, of course, is APPALLED at the notion of screwing anyone aside from Dear Danny. And she tells Tony as much. Feeling rejected, Tony skulks back to his Mom’s Basement, where you just know he lived, until the day he died . . . at age 35. As for Sally, she goes back inside to pout about . . . you guessed it . . . Danny.
Josh tries to put some sense into Sally, explaining to her, that life isn’t an old Demi Moore movie from the Early 90’s. So, she’s never again going to be able to make “sweet, sweet . . . ghostly pottery” with Danny. The sooner she gets used to that, the better . . .
Then Ghost of Eighties Past returns to apologize to Sally. And I fell in love a bit more with Josh, as he defended Sally’s honor and chastity. “Well, if it isn’t Casper the HANDSY Ghost! Not THE PLAN, MAN!” Josh growls at Tony (even though, let’s be honest, getting Sally laid was TOTALLY his plan!).
Once he’s certain that Sally isn’t going to get Ghost Raped in her own house, Josh leaves the Dead Pair to their own devices . . .
Sally reluctantly forgives Tony for being an Invisible Date Rapist, and ultimately agrees to continue her Ghost Therapy with him. Since, Tony knows that Sally SUCKS at choosing travel destinations, he decides to select the next one . . . and it’s . . . a cemetery.
Wow, morbid much? Come to think of it, maybe letting Sally pick the destination all the time, wasn’t such a bad idea, after all. Ghost of Eighties Past Tony has decided to show Sally her grave, so that she can FINALLY come to terms with her own death. In Tony’s experience, doing this usually gives a Ghost the closure they need to cross over to the other side . . .
Unfortunately, for Sally, it just gives her grass stains on her ass! So, Tony decides to let her pick the next destination for their Wild and Wonderful Ghostly Journey . . . I’ll give you three guesses as to where they go. But I’m sure you will only need one. (And, no, it’s not the bathroom, this time.)
*sigh* Danny AGAIN! This time, she’s in his friggin house, staring at him, while he sleeps in his friggin bed. Ghost of Eighties Past gets fed up with her
(just like the rest of us) and bails. We don’t blame him.
Back at the apartment, Josh tells Sally that he doesn’t think that her moving into Danny’s place will give her the closure she needs to move on to Heaven, or wherever it is she’s meant to go. So, Sally heads back to the cemetery to do some thinking . . . Tony is there waiting for her. He tells her that listening to Sally do nothing but bitch and moan about Danny for two days made him
want to strangle her think about the love of his life, and whether she was doing “OK.”
So, he visited her. And, guess what, she’s doing JUST FINE, without the Hair Band Reject, who she dated ONCE 23 years ago! (SURPRISE!) Tony helpfully notes that, because his “ex” girlfriend was “open” to his presence, he was able to physically touch her . . hand. (Don’t get too excited, this is SyFy, not Skinimax . . . )
But you KNOW how much Sally likes HANDSHAKES, right?
So, this is VERY good news for her.
Then, a Very Cheesy and WAY TOO Literal Door to the Otherside magically appears in the cemetery. Everybody assumes its for Sally. (Actually, NOBODY assumes its for Sally. Because then there would be no more show. And we’ve only had three episodes so far. But we’ll play along . . .)
Sally tells the Ghost of Eighties Past that she knows the door is for HIM, not her. And so, he thanks her, and heads toward the door, secretly wishing his Guest Star Appearance could have been longer than one episode . . .
Don’t be sad, Tony! I hear they are filming a Ghost Version of Friends on the other side, and need someone to play Joey. You’d be PERFECT!
At the end of the episode, Sally returns to Danny’s house.
(AGAIN? SERIOUSLY? ARE THEY KIDDING WITH THIS?) She tries to “touch” Danny, but finds, to her chagrin that he may already be “touching” someone else, if you catch my drift . . .
The Awkward Moment when you realize that your best friend and your once-fiance might be f*&king, and that they might do it on the couch RIGHT IN YOUR LAP!
And now for the storylines that didn’t annoy me . . .
Keeping the Neighborhood Safe from Graffiti Artists
Awww, Josh! You’ve gotta love him! He may not always get the best plotlines on this show. But he always makes do with what he has, by tossing out cute one liners, and charming us with HILARIOUS facial expressions! This week’s storyline, no joke, revolved around Josh trying to catch a neighborhood grafitti artist. His partner in crime on the hunt, was a guy who was pretty much exactly the person Josh WOULD HAVE BEEN, had he never been werewolf-ed.
While on the Watch, Josh chats with Mini Me, and learns that his alter ego is hoping to start his medical residency at the same hospital where Josh is currently working as an orderly. If you recall, Josh wanted to go to medical school, but never enrolled due to his CHANGE. Though Josh tries to be friendly and nonchalant, you can tell this conversation is really making Josh feel like crap about his life.
So, when the pair actually do find the Graffiti artist in question, a highly emotional Josh goes all Wolverine on his ass!
No, he wasn’t shirtless at the time. Yes, I’m using this adorable image anyway. Got a problem with that?
Mini Me looks on with amusement, which quickly gives way to horror, as Josh nearly rips the poor hoodlum in half, for doing nothing more serious than leaving a little extra paint on the wall. Eventually, Josh comes back to himself, and skulks away, as the graffiti artist, thankfuly, regains consciousness.
The next day at work, Mini Me is at the hospital awaiting an interview for the residency position, when he sees poor orderly Josh, literally sweeping crap off the floor. Mini Me wants to take Wolf Boy out for lunch. However, a miserably depressed Josh declines. Josh later admits to Aidan that he no longer wants to do his transformations at the hospital. He feels that, in order to maintain a “human” lifestyle,” he must embrace the wolf within him. Only by keeping that part of his life completely separate from his REAL one, will he be able to completely ensure that no one he cares about gets hurt.
The bad news, of course, is Poor Josh now feels even more lonely and isolated than before. The good news? I smell MORE OUTDOOR NUDEY SHOTS! 🙂
The Mind is a Terrible Thing to Drive Insane . . .
After learning from Bishop that the Crazy Cop Dude who was giving Aidan the eye, during the Neighborhood Watch meeting, has been using police resources to peek into Aidan’s past, Aidan promises that he will “handle it.” So, he meets Crazy Cop dude at a nearby bar, and confirms that the guy really is Batsh&t Insane, just as Bishop had feared . . .
Even though Crazy Cop Dude looks quite a bit older than Aidan, the former is ABSOLUTELY certain that Aidan is the evil criminal who murdered his dad in cold blood, back when Crazy Cop Dude was just 10-years old. To prove his point, Crazy Cop Dude pulls out a police sketch of his dad’s killer — a drawing that he’s probably had stuffed in his pants for about 30-years now. (EW!)
I assume this picture is supposed to look just like Aidan. But, honestly, it looks more like Frankenstein to me . . .
Aidan logically reasons that there is no way he could have killed Crazy Cop Dude’s father, as he wasn’t even “ALIVE” when the guy was murdered. (Get it . . . he was UNDEAD, during that time! Har, de, har, har) Then, since awkward conversations always make Aidan have to pee, he excuses himself, and heads to the bathroom . . . Of course, Crazy Cop Dude follows.
Quick, Aidan . . . PEE ON HIS LEG!
Crazy Cop Dude REALLY wants Aidan to take off his shirt (as do WE!). Unfortunately, his reasons aren’t NEARLY as fun as ours. You see, Crazy Cop Dude remembers that his dad’s killer had a tattoo on his chest with the name “Celine.” He wants to see if Aidan has the same tattoo. Fortuntely (or unfortunately, depending on how much you really wanted to see Shirtless Aidan this week), Aidan manages to scamper away before Crazy Cop Dude gets a chance to undress him.
But just when we think our boy Aidan’s going to be A-OK, Crazy Cop Dude jumps him in some alleyway. And then THIS happens . . .
Where’s the Neighborhood Watch when you need them, right?
Now, that Aidan’s been nailed to the wall, like some cheap piece of religious artwork, Crazy Cop Dude takes this opportunity to ogle his chest (YAY!). And yes, as supected, Aidan does bare the incriminating CELINE tattoo on his chest. But, honestly, I was too mesmerized by his hot pects and erect nipples to give that much thought . . .
Once Crazy Cop Dude has left the scene, and Aidan has finally managed to disimpale himself from the WALL, our Friendly Neighborhood Vampire rushes to the hospital for a quick drink . . .
And, honestly, I’ve got to say, given how LONG Aidan has been drinking blood, I’m a bit disappointed in what a Piggy Eater he turned out to be. Aidan, take note: there are WAY classier ways to dispose of a blood bag. Watch and learn . . .
You know, Aidan should REALLY start thinking twice about visiting public restrooms, because when he gets out of the stall after his little snack (looking FABULOUS, in his Super Tight White Tank Top, I might add), yet another Creepo is waiting for him . . .
Bishop is in the Potty with Aidan. Apparently, Big Bad Vampire Daddy REALLY wants to rub in Aidan’s face, what a “crap” job he has done so far in taking care of this whole Crazy Cop Dude thing . . .
*sings* “Nah-nah, nah-nah, nahhhh-nah, you’re a Sucky Vampire!”
Aidan insists that, contrary to appearances, he TOTALLY has everything under control. You see, Aidan plans to compel Crazy Cop Dude to forget that Aidan killed his father, all those years ago. Bishop thinks this is a TERRIBLE idea, as Aidan has always been pretty lousy at compulsion, and has undoubtedly become even worse at it, since he stopped consuming LIVE blood. Bishop would prefer the more “honest” method of turning Crazy Cop Dude into a vampire himself.
I notice that this seems to be Bishop’s answer to EVERY problem. If Nike’s slogan is “Just Do It,” Bishop’s must be “Just Turn Them.” What Bishop doesn’t realize, however, is that his plan presents a number of logistical problems — the most notable being this: If EVERYONE on Earth is a vampire, who will be left to eat?
Not believing that his SIRE will make the right decision, when it comes to handling Crazy Cop Dude, Bishop (who in addition to being Head of Vampire Human Resources, and Local Funeral Director, is also, apparently, Police Chief) heads over to Crazy Cop Dude’s House to “talk.”
To be honest, I’m not quite sure why BISHOP didn’t compel Crazy Cop Dude to forget about his father’s murder, himself. After all, HE would certainly be strong enough to successfully remove the offending memories, without screwing the guy up any more than he already was. But, NO . . . Bishop is intent on getting another vampire for his growing collection. And so, he offers Crazy Cop Dude the Vampire Recruitment Pitch.
Crazy Cop Dude isn’t impressed. But when he tries to escape, Bishop’s henchman is waiting for him . . .
But before Mr. Henchman can turn Crazy Cop Dude into Aidan’s Blood Brother, Aidan arrives on the scene and intervenes. Henchman is ready to do battle with him, but Bishop smugly insists that Aidan and Crazy Cop Dude be left to their own devics. Clearly, Bishop has bigger plans in store for his petulant vampire child . . .
So, Aidan tries his hand at removing the offending memories from Crazy Cop Dude’s brain . . .
“I’ve got a headache THIS BIG . . . and it’s screaming for Vampire Compulsion!”
The next day, Aidan stalks Crazy Cop Dude’s home a bit. And when Aidan spies Crazy Cop Dude picking up the morning paper like a Normal Person, he is, understandably relieved . . .
Problem solved, right? Well . . . not exactly . . .
Cut to the next morning, where Bishop is giving Aidan a few choice words about the events of the previous evening. “You were right, Aidan. YOUR WAY was MUCH more humane,” Bishop snarks, throwing a large brown envelope in front of his “child,” before exiting stage left. And you KNOW what was in that envelope, don’t you?
THIS . . .
OK . . . now THAT’s just gross!
Just as Bishop had predicted, Aidan’s botched attempt at helping Crazy Cop Dude, by plucking traumatic memories from his brain, had the unintended effect of driving him so BATSH&T INSANE that the poor guy offed himself. Now, that’s gotta suck! Whether or not you felt this result was inevitable, your heart had to go out to poor Aidan, as he flipped through those grisly photographs, and wondered whether he could have somehow prevented this from happening . . .
(Kudos to Sam Witwer for quietly breaking my heart during this scene, with his understated, yet breathtakingly touching, performance.)
And, just because I don’t like to end my recaps on a truly depressing note, please enjoy this picture of Sam Witwer Shirtless and holding a phallic object . . .